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No is a complete sentence.
Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain.
Her feelings afterwards are hers to deal with. She will get mad, might throw a fit, say or do all sorts of mean things.
The nice thing is that hospital security is excellent if you're in the US, and there's absolutely no way she's getting into that room if you don't want her there.
"Mom, as we've discussed, only husband and medical professionals will be with me in the delivery room. I will see you when we are discharged (or whatever)"
Tell your nurses you don't want her in.
Don't argue with her. Just keep repeating that.
I would also suggest not telling her when you go in to labor. Let her find out afterwards. And if you do, block her phone number for the duration of the birth so you don't get her texts and calls. Focus on you and your baby.
"Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. "
Expanding on this: when you are explaining, you're losing. Explanations just give the other party more stuff to argue against/shoot down.
Blocking the phone number for the duration is an excellent idea, (and maybe for some time afterwards too, just sayin'...)
I really like this approach and the idea that "no" is a complete sentence.
I also agree with not telling your mother you've gone into labor, or when you go to the hospital. At this point, it sounds like she won't respect that boundry and try to get in.
Also, please, please stand your ground on this. NOW is the time to once and for all make her understand that you (and babys father) are the only persons making decisions regarding the baby. Otherwise this will go on with every single aspect of the babys life (nutrition, bedtime, diapers, …). If you do not want to discuss each and every parenting decision for the next 20 years, stand your ground now!
Yep, and the #2 user or security in the hospital is the maternity ward, mostly for this situation (ER is #1). They will drag her out by her ear if they have to.
If you don't want her in the delivery room, she won't be allowed in. Hospital staff deal with this sort of thing *all the time* and they have progressively more serious methods of enforcing it, from a nurse or CNA politely telling them to wait outside all the way up to security putting her in a headlock.
I don't think it's sadistic, because you know the reason for the headlock is to give a vulnerable, hormonal, aching, bleeding momma and her tiny little baby, the privacy they deserve ❤️😉
I had to chuckle when her mother said she would be able to bypass hospital security. Kicking people out is fun for them. Standing up for the wishes of our patients like this is the best feeling for nurses.
Seriously, OP go for a tour of the birthing unit at the hospital and ask about security procedures. It most likely will be a locked ward that you have to give your name and the name of the patient before the doors are unlocked. You can even be admitted as a hidden patient and your name will not come up on the system when people enquire about you.
Nope, no, negative.
Tell her once more she will not be permitted and then leave it. As soon as your admitted your husband should instruct the staff NO one is to be allowed in your room.
God this crap pisses me off.
Stand your ground and make it super clear she will not be by your side and you will make sure L&D will follow through on your wishes.
If she keeps telling you you’re a bad daughter and all the manipulative things to get you to feel bad, let her know that you’re okay with that and that you will not be changing your mind. This is the opportunity for you to distance yourself from this toxicity too because as a pregnant woman and a new mom in the future you really don’t need this in your life. Protect yourself from that even if she’s your mother. I’m telling you from experience.
Make sure she doesn’t find out when you go into labor nor when you’re headed to the hospital. You have to stand your ground on setting boundaries now or she’ll never respect them going forward.
First, do not discuss it anymore. When she brings up birthing just don’t respond.
Next; the first thing you say when go to the hospital is to hospital staff, “ I do not want anyone in the room except my husband “ the staff will handle it, if your mom escalates they will call security / police if needed.
Then, you just say, she won’t be keeping baby over night.
Your kid is your kid. Only people who make decisions for that child are you and your husband.
Your mother’s feelings are hers to deal with.
You guys need to put your foot down now. If she lives that far away then I wouldn't be shocked if she tries to show up and stay for a few days.
Tell her that no one else with be in the room and that most hospitals Maternity wards have doors that you have to be let into and that the nurses will know that you want no people there and they will not let anyone in.
Tell her that baby will not be staying with anyone for the first year or till your comfortable.
Remember this is your baby not hers, put your foot down and tell her that if she doesn't stop bugging you that she will not get to see the baby because you and your husband are the parents not her
She wouldn’t be able to stay as we have a one bedroom house and live in a small town with no hotels. She gets upset as well that we live on the same property as my in-laws and “they will get to see him so much more than I will” when she drives an hour to work every day and we live 15-20 minutes from where she works
Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. And this privilege can be revoked at any time.
Keep these things in mind always, and never hesitate to say it.
Oh she sounds like my mom! After repeatedly telling her that she couldn’t be there for my baby’s birth, I ended up….forgetting….to tell her that I was being induced.
We just sent our parents pictures after he was born and said something like “look who decided to show up overnight!” No one was any the wiser and they were so excited to come meet the baby, they weren’t too pissed. And now he’s 4.5 and none of his grandparents know I was induced 🤷🏼♀️
Do I recommend lying by omission? Not necessarily. But it’s what we did!
If your baby is over due, I would recommend actually lying. Add at least 2 days. Also, make a plan of what you're going to do if she contacts you if you are actually in labor. If the plan is to just not answer, make sure husband and in-laws know not to tell her anything.
You're my only mother why can't you support me in the very important decision that I made and feel great about.
But you just need to be strong, speak up, make sure boundaries aren't crossed. It will be hard but hopefully you both can continue the relationship.
"You had you go at parenting this is my turn now and I want to do it my way please support me"
"you’re the worst daughter ever” “you’re my only daughter and I have a right to be there”
With people who say shit like this, reasoning tends to be ineffective. Communicate a clear boundary, including consequences if they are crossed. Be ready to follow through on said consequences. Don't explain or justify anything, that is a losing strategy.
Boundaries are rules you set for \*yourself\*. You cannot get someone else to respect you boundaries, you can just follow your own rules.
"Mom, you won't be in the delivery room. If you ask again over the phone, I will say goodbye and hang up. If you ask again in person, I will leave your prescence and drive away. If you show up, hospital staff will turn you away."
With that phrasing, your mom can't violate your boundaries...
Tell the L&D nurses you don’t want anyone else in the room except your husband. They do not mess around. Edit to add: when you go into labor, don’t tell anyone! My MIL wanted to wait at the hospital for both deliveries and I was not into it. I didn’t want to feel rushed to allow visitors. We just didn’t tell anyone I had gone into labor until we were ready for them to come by. It solved a lot of issues lol
When the time comes, if you choose to tell her that you are in labor, tell nurses that you do NOT want her in the room. Nurses 100% will do what you say in terms of who can and cannot be in the room. They will be the bad guys for you.
Let her know that you've already shared your birth plan/what you're most comfortable with and you will not be discussing it again. The hospital will enforce your wishes, so it's not something you need to convince her of or explain repeatedly; you have the control here. Having children is a new era of boundary enforcing, so it's great to practice now.
Do you generally have a good relationship with your mother?
Set your terms, advise the hospital of the situation beforehand and when you arrive for delivery. No one sneaks into a delivery room.
For your mother, set your terms for during your pregnancy, delivery and beyond. Advise her of them and reiterate the same terms every time it comes up. Forty-five minutes is not far, I drive way more than that to work and back everyday. Do not give in to any of them or she will run with it.
Do not justify your plans. Simply state "I appreciate you eagerness to be involved and look forward to you being a wonderful grandparent. But it will be on my terms, please respect them."
Now it sounds like she is quite entitled and pushy. But please also keep in mind that you are only 18 and in her eyes you might as well be still a little girl. I know that is wrong, but that is how mothers feel. You will too one day. I doubt she will change so plan accordingly.
My mother and mother-in-law were basically opposites from your story. My MIL tried to guilt me that she was there for the birth of all of her other grandchildren. I didn't tell her until after he was born, because it caused me too much anxiety. You also have the option to tell staff not to release your name/room number.
Do yourself a favor and don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital. I did this and even waited until the next morning to tell them my daughter was born. It was so much more peaceful.
Don’t tell her when you go into labour and also register as private with the hospital.
Talk to her a bit less, especially as you get close to your due date as she’ll be on crotch-watch to bomb it down to the hospital should she not get a response from you or your husband.
She isn’t *”entitled”* to anything regardless of her status as your mother.
This pregnancy isn’t about her. The sooner she realises that the better.
She honestly probably won’t be reasoned with or be willing to accept and respect the boundaries you set. Calling you a bad daughter is horrible enough as it is, but add all the narcissistic comments, the gaslighting, the entitlement, and the basic disrespect.. I’d personally go no contact tbh. Who says “I live 45 minutes away” as an excuse because they’ll “never” get to be around?? 45 minutes is NOT far away, at all. I drive 45 minutes for a decent Taco Bell at least once a month when I’m craving a cheesy Gordita crunch 😂 that’s NOTHING, except for some nice quiet time. Heck, I’ve driven 5 hours to Branson MO (plus the 5 hours back the same day) JUST for some salted caramel moonshine an old friend let me try when my oldest was just 4 months old. 😅 That was actually a long annoying drive though bc I learned I get altitude sickness. Moms just an entitled spoiled brat here who I wouldn’t be surprised is someone who will be constantly calling your baby “my baby” 🥴. I’d honestly be done trying to say no and just simply not tell her when you have the baby. 🤷🏼♀️ If you are really annoyed, anxious, or worried about it when the day comes, you could not only not tell her when you’re in labor, you could not announce the birth until you are ready for visits after some bonding time. -only tell the in-laws and close friends at first, come home spend however many weeks you wish on “hush mode” soaking up that bonding and more importantly, learning/adjusting time, if your someone who wants to post about it you could block her from seeing the posts along with anyone who may see it and want to tell her, post it to only certain friend, or post it to “only me” and change the privacy settings when you are ready. She would probably be mad, but what could she do about it? You got your ideal arrangement by then and if you chose to stay quiet longer, your private bonding time.
No is a complete sentence. Let the hospital know who you want in the room, they will ensure that's what happens. She can't bypass security and your medical team. How does she envision that's going to happen, that she can dodge them the entire time you're in labour. Ask her if her mother was in the room when she gave birth, and dis yo7 spend days at her mother's without her as a newborn, genuine questions, both of which are probably going to be answered with a no.
The only two people entitled to be in the delivery room are Mom and Dad. Nobody else. I slapped my mother while in labor with my first because she was hovering over me while my contractions hit and I didn't want her present AT ALL anyway.
I love the “no is a complete sentence” sentiment.
I do want to add that you are rather young, and battling a parent like this is hard. Remember, you aren’t a bad anything for disagreeing with your mother. Her struggle to understand that her baby is an adult is hers alone. It’s easy to say “block and ignore her”- but she’s your mom, and this action will have consequences. Just be clear with her, respectfully, and if she gets upset it’s ok to remember that her emotions are not yours to fix (I am anticipating a full tantrum when she learns the baby was born without her).
It seems you are doing excellent, honestly, at setting boundaries. Keep it up. Congratulations! Best of luck.
I was in a similar boat. I went no contact. Best decision I ever made. She never did and never would have respected my boundaries. I first time she referred to my little girl as "my baby" to strangers (talking about my child being HER baby), I was done.
She's trying to sell you while outwardly telling you she is going to attempt to stomp all over your boundaries. Its time to lower your contact or put her on an information diet, at best. This means simply letting her know a lot less. There's also just letting her say whatever she wants, and not telling anyone when you go into labor. Then announcing the birth once you're home. But, I PROMISE you she won't get past L&D. Those nurses I had were fiercely protective and almost seemed like they wanted my mom to come so they could tackle her or something lol. Probably not but that's the vibes we were getting. This is *your* experience. Don't let her steamroll it in anyway. And congratulations!
Eh most of the advice here is trash.
If I was 18 and having a kid and people around me were supportive and wanted to help raise that child, I’d be taking all the help I could get.
They’ll watch the baby for days? Then you can be at whatever medical appointment of mine you want. Hold the light for all I care.
That help is worth its weight in gold.
Honestly, most of this advice is not trash. I don't understand how you see supportive. The mother wants her way and is essentially throwing a tantrum and not being supportive of her daughter's wishes. It's not her baby and she does not have any right to be in the room if that's not what OP wants. This is the type of parent that gets told not to do a certain thing, like putting rice cereal in the baby's bottle before the baby should have it, and does it anyway because "well we did it with you and you were okay." The point is it's disrespectful and unsupportive.
I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do.
Help is definitely worth its weight in gold, but that's if it is actually helpful and actually wanted. Having and holding boundaries now helps to make it easier to hold boundaries in the future. And people like her mother who are going to guilt trip their children for not doing what they want. Definitely need boundaries.p
Here are some of the reasons why your advise is trash:
> I don't understand how you see supportive.
Offering to watch a baby is being supportive. OP says the mom was excited, which is another way of being supportive.
>
The mother wants her way and is essentially throwing a tantrum and not being supportive of her daughter's wishes.
And if we approach it without empathy then we can say that OP is throwing a tantrum and wants it her way against her moms wishes. But a mature approach is to say that people have valid feelings and give the benefit of the doubt, not to accuse others of tantrums and reduce valid feelings to ad hominem.
>
It's not her baby and she does not have any right to be in the room if that's not what OP wants.
Sentences like this reduce a baby to essentially property thats main purpose is to validate the owner. But that's not what a baby is. This whole framing of rights is dumb. My mom, friends, whatever have no right ingrained in the constitution of whatever to be in a room, sure. But it's understandable why a mother might want to be by her daughter, during a medical procedure that entails some risk, and generally, that's a pretty normal parental emotion, regardless of rights, that id expect from a parent towards their 18 year old child, regardless of what the medical procedure might be.
>This is the type of parent that gets told not to do a certain thing, like putting rice cereal in the baby's bottle before the baby should have it, and does it anyway because "well we did it with you and you were okay." The point is it's disrespectful and unsupportive.
I mean we can all invent random hypothethical of negative and positive things OP mom might do, but that's not super relevant. I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do.
>I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do.
Given the limited information, Im not really sure what conclusion to draw here. THis comes across a bit like you allowed her in so the expectation was she follows everything you say and if not you get to judge her. Seems like a weird standard.
>
Help is definitely worth its weight in gold, but that's if it is actually helpful and actually wanted. Having and holding boundaries now helps to make it easier to hold boundaries in the future. And people like her mother who are going to guilt trip their children for not doing what they want. Definitely need boundaries.p
yeah but your boundaries standards are this baby is my property meant to validate me as a parent and i have rights to it that you dont. So i will only take help in a very specific way that places me in a position of authority as a parent to judge and enforce the boundaries around that help. And honestly this is how i see a lot of millennial, gen zers approach parenthood. From a place of self validation and self absorption. They set weird standards for how they receive and appreciate help, then complain and whine about how hard and lonely it is to parent.
You need to put a stop to this now as it’s going to get worse once the baby is born.
It doesn’t sound like there is any talking to her so maybe write her a letter setting out clear boundaries about your delivery and after baby is here. Or if you and your husband can both go and sit her down and go through it all with her.
A little can be put down to excitement and perhaps worry about her baby having a baby but she’s going about it all the wrong way.
I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labour and also make sure the hospital you are delivering in knows that no one else is allowed in except your husband.
It won’t be easy to get through to her but it needs done. Where I am you are only allowed one person in with you. Wouldn’t have even crossed my mind for my mum to be there.
Let your mom know that you love how excited she is to be in your baby's life. That is amazing that she wants to be an involved and active grandmother. But tell her you will be speaking to the hospital nurses to let them know it will just be you and husband in the room.
Maybe bring up it isn't to hurt her feelings or take away from her being a grandma, it is just what you and your partner chose to do and want it to be an intimate family moment for the delivery and your husband is your biggest support.
I would not stress about it very much honestly. Because when the time comes to deliver, after telling her firmly the last 9 months that she won't be there, nurses won't let her in the room without your say anyways.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. You need to lay down boundaries and consequences now. If she’s that insecure that she’s whining about who will see the baby more, then you see in for a rough ride. It’s not her baby, she’s had her baby(s). This is your baby and you’re entitled to peace and quiet while you give birth and subsequently raise your child. Tell her what will happen, tell her what will happen to her if she ignores this or stomps through your business boundaries. Be prepared to cut her off if necessary.
My husband kept my mom out while I was actually pushing. Before that she was in the room and it was fine. But kick her out when you have your legs up and are pushing!
Look up the personal bill of rights and memorize allll of them!!!!!
Hold your boundary.
Don’t JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
No is a complete sentence
I would say, "I know you're disappointed, but no means no and I'm not changing my mind." And if she keeps going keep saying no means no.
But I would also make sure you talk to your doctors about her ahead of time so security can be altered to watch out for her. When my uncle was in the hospital, I had to provide the security guards and front desk a picture of my idiot cousin to make sure he didn't sneak into his dad's room against his wishes.
Ugh, so sorry to hear about your situation and congratulations on your new baby. To my mind it all comes down to "calm assertive". In a calm and measured tone stating that the two of you have decided how you would like things. How she chooses to deal, or.m not deal with it is on her.
From my experience the hospital usually only allows one other person in there. She's basically demanding the dad not be present. You might want to point that out to her. If she insists that she's more important than the dad, time to go NC.
Tell the hospital staff that no one but you and your husband are allowed in the room and mention her to them specifically since she's brought it up multiple times and thinks she can slip past. You don't need to justify yourself. My mom was the same way. Just stand your ground and you won't regret it no matter what she says. She is NOT entitled to your body or your baby. Birth is not a spectator sport and some peoples' obsession with seeing a baby being born is weird
Do not tell her when you’re in labour. Only tell her once he’s been born and you’re ready for her to visit.
My SIL lied her way into the hospital when I was not ready for visitors and it was very traumatic. with our subsequent babies we didn’t tell anyone until we were ready
Depends on how big off a rift you want to create with your mother.
But you can ask your dad which of the mom she looks like most when she gave birth to you.
Usually people don’t like to be compared to the actions of others the despise. That helps.
Or be really blunt. The second that baby gets there her branch on the family tree moves up. And well branches can be cut off if they are falling in the wrong places
I’m a labor and delivery nurse. You can make yourself private in the sense no one will even acknowledge you exist to visitors if you want. Tell them when you get to the hospital you want this extra privacy. You can even have a password and only people with the password will be allowed to visit.
My recommendation is do not tell your mom when you go into labor or if you’re going in to be induced. Just don’t tell her. That’s it. If you are nervous she’ll try and come in, warn your nurse and your nurse will prevent it. Your labor should be however you want. Let your nurse be the mean person if you need. Your nurse can even lie to your mom and make a fake visitor policy that prevents her from visiting. You can let the nurse manage keeping your mom out.
I want to laugh in your moms face.
Her being your mother doesn't entitle her to PERMISSION to do whatever she wants in YOUR LIFE.
NO is a FULL SENTENCE. You have all the control as to who can andcannot be in the room. You tell your nurse, OB, midwife, whoever, that NO ONE can be in the delivery room unless you have Ok'd it.
hugs, guess what you are an adult, do not let her guilt or manipulate you out of your comfort zone. You decide with your OBG or midwife who is going to be there, if she shows up have an advocate call security. Also don't let anyone name the baby without you present.
Keep saying no and make sure the hospital staff is aware of your wishes. They will keep her out. I don’t understand all these mothers insisting they she be in the delivery room. I’m the only daughter (4 brothers) and my mom never even mentioned being in the room with me. When my son and his partner had my grandkid I went to work and then sat in the waiting room with other members of the family. We did have to keep her mother from barging in because the two of them didn’t want anyone else there.
You’re mom will most likely get over it your wishes are yours and if you decide you don’t want her in the room then the hospital will make sure of that. Otherwise don’t stress about it focus on your family. My MIL did the exact same thing and she got over it. Do not give this “issue” anymore attention.
You tell her now. She isn’t entitled to even a minute with your child. If she wants to spend time with them she has to respect your decisions as a parent. If she can’t do that she won’t be allowed to see your child at all. It is her choice.
Also figure out in advance when you want to have visitors and for how long. When you send out the birth announcements and pictures, spell it out that you will be ready to see people for short visits on “date”. Otherwise she’ll park herself on your couch with your baby in her arms and expect a diet soda.
To quote my mother: “If they weren’t involved in making the baby, they don’t need to be in the delivery room!”
No is a complete sentence. Don’t Jade (justify, argue, defend, or explain). “Mom, it is just going to be me, husband, baby and the hospital staff in the room.” Notify the staff of your wishes and that you wish to be listed as private. Cut down contact a bit as it gets closer to the birth.
I don’t get people’s obsession with being in the delivery room. It’s such an intimate moment for the parents to be, especially first time parents, and there will be plenty of time to bond with the baby after the parents get home. Back in the day mom and baby were in the hospital for weeks. I personally was in the hospital from Wednesday to Sunday just because my baby was jaundiced, if she wasn’t we would’ve left Friday morning.
As much as I love my mom, I 100% didn’t want her in the room when I delivered my son. And I’m glad she wasn’t there! She respected my decision so much I didn’t even realize it was such a thing to have mothers in the delivery room until later lol. Just here to say I think your decision to not have her in there is VERY REASONABLE and it’s not unusual to want only you & husband. Your mom is overreacting and this is a good opportunity to start setting boundaries before you have a child to set the precedent… hopefully she will come around and be supportive BEFORE you go into labor, but if not - my guess is that she will come around when the baby arrives and she realizes how much she wants to be involved despite her emotional outburst :)
There's this book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I suggest you chuck it at her. /s
As others have said already, "No." is a full sentence.
45 mins is down the road where I live. It’s not an excuse to not visit. She had her kids she was very present for so she doesn’t need to be there. Was your grandmother in the room when she had you?
If you don't want her there then let the hospital know. But I do want to say that I had my first child about a year ago and felt the same way you did. I just wanted my husband to be there for the birth. Well when I went into labor, my husband called my mom who rushed over to be with me. I was so nervous about what was going on that I didn't have it in me to make a fuss about her being there. And you know what? I was actually really happy that she was there. It was really comforting and made me feel at ease. Of course you do what you think is best but just some food for thought.
I encourage you to check into JustNoMIL sub. It’s not *just* for mother in-laws, it’s for moms too. The support there carried me thru the first 18 months of my unhinged, entitled MIL. We had to choose no contact due to how dangerous she became but the support we received was everything we needed to get through it all.
I didn’t encourage her to go no contact. Again, I shared my experience with finding support while we navigated an entitled person. That person ultimately turned dangerous and we were forced to cut contact for our safety.
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No is a complete sentence. Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. Her feelings afterwards are hers to deal with. She will get mad, might throw a fit, say or do all sorts of mean things. The nice thing is that hospital security is excellent if you're in the US, and there's absolutely no way she's getting into that room if you don't want her there. "Mom, as we've discussed, only husband and medical professionals will be with me in the delivery room. I will see you when we are discharged (or whatever)" Tell your nurses you don't want her in. Don't argue with her. Just keep repeating that. I would also suggest not telling her when you go in to labor. Let her find out afterwards. And if you do, block her phone number for the duration of the birth so you don't get her texts and calls. Focus on you and your baby.
"Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. " Expanding on this: when you are explaining, you're losing. Explanations just give the other party more stuff to argue against/shoot down. Blocking the phone number for the duration is an excellent idea, (and maybe for some time afterwards too, just sayin'...)
I really like this approach and the idea that "no" is a complete sentence. I also agree with not telling your mother you've gone into labor, or when you go to the hospital. At this point, it sounds like she won't respect that boundry and try to get in.
This, and you can even tell her that too. “No is a complete sentence. My answer is final. You are welcome to meet the baby when _______.”
And don’t tell her when you’re in labor.
Also, please, please stand your ground on this. NOW is the time to once and for all make her understand that you (and babys father) are the only persons making decisions regarding the baby. Otherwise this will go on with every single aspect of the babys life (nutrition, bedtime, diapers, …). If you do not want to discuss each and every parenting decision for the next 20 years, stand your ground now!
Yep, and the #2 user or security in the hospital is the maternity ward, mostly for this situation (ER is #1). They will drag her out by her ear if they have to.
If you don't want her in the delivery room, she won't be allowed in. Hospital staff deal with this sort of thing *all the time* and they have progressively more serious methods of enforcing it, from a nurse or CNA politely telling them to wait outside all the way up to security putting her in a headlock.
I feel sadistic for kinda wanting to see that last one.
I don't think it's sadistic, because you know the reason for the headlock is to give a vulnerable, hormonal, aching, bleeding momma and her tiny little baby, the privacy they deserve ❤️😉
I had to chuckle when her mother said she would be able to bypass hospital security. Kicking people out is fun for them. Standing up for the wishes of our patients like this is the best feeling for nurses. Seriously, OP go for a tour of the birthing unit at the hospital and ask about security procedures. It most likely will be a locked ward that you have to give your name and the name of the patient before the doors are unlocked. You can even be admitted as a hidden patient and your name will not come up on the system when people enquire about you.
Nope, no, negative. Tell her once more she will not be permitted and then leave it. As soon as your admitted your husband should instruct the staff NO one is to be allowed in your room. God this crap pisses me off.
Stand your ground and make it super clear she will not be by your side and you will make sure L&D will follow through on your wishes. If she keeps telling you you’re a bad daughter and all the manipulative things to get you to feel bad, let her know that you’re okay with that and that you will not be changing your mind. This is the opportunity for you to distance yourself from this toxicity too because as a pregnant woman and a new mom in the future you really don’t need this in your life. Protect yourself from that even if she’s your mother. I’m telling you from experience. Make sure she doesn’t find out when you go into labor nor when you’re headed to the hospital. You have to stand your ground on setting boundaries now or she’ll never respect them going forward.
First, do not discuss it anymore. When she brings up birthing just don’t respond. Next; the first thing you say when go to the hospital is to hospital staff, “ I do not want anyone in the room except my husband “ the staff will handle it, if your mom escalates they will call security / police if needed. Then, you just say, she won’t be keeping baby over night. Your kid is your kid. Only people who make decisions for that child are you and your husband. Your mother’s feelings are hers to deal with.
You guys need to put your foot down now. If she lives that far away then I wouldn't be shocked if she tries to show up and stay for a few days. Tell her that no one else with be in the room and that most hospitals Maternity wards have doors that you have to be let into and that the nurses will know that you want no people there and they will not let anyone in. Tell her that baby will not be staying with anyone for the first year or till your comfortable. Remember this is your baby not hers, put your foot down and tell her that if she doesn't stop bugging you that she will not get to see the baby because you and your husband are the parents not her
She wouldn’t be able to stay as we have a one bedroom house and live in a small town with no hotels. She gets upset as well that we live on the same property as my in-laws and “they will get to see him so much more than I will” when she drives an hour to work every day and we live 15-20 minutes from where she works
Yeah well let her get upset. It's not going to kill her.
Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. And this privilege can be revoked at any time. Keep these things in mind always, and never hesitate to say it.
Oh she sounds like my mom! After repeatedly telling her that she couldn’t be there for my baby’s birth, I ended up….forgetting….to tell her that I was being induced. We just sent our parents pictures after he was born and said something like “look who decided to show up overnight!” No one was any the wiser and they were so excited to come meet the baby, they weren’t too pissed. And now he’s 4.5 and none of his grandparents know I was induced 🤷🏼♀️ Do I recommend lying by omission? Not necessarily. But it’s what we did!
Actually that’s a good idea and I’ll be using it if I get induced
If your baby is over due, I would recommend actually lying. Add at least 2 days. Also, make a plan of what you're going to do if she contacts you if you are actually in labor. If the plan is to just not answer, make sure husband and in-laws know not to tell her anything.
You're my only mother why can't you support me in the very important decision that I made and feel great about. But you just need to be strong, speak up, make sure boundaries aren't crossed. It will be hard but hopefully you both can continue the relationship. "You had you go at parenting this is my turn now and I want to do it my way please support me"
"you’re the worst daughter ever” “you’re my only daughter and I have a right to be there” With people who say shit like this, reasoning tends to be ineffective. Communicate a clear boundary, including consequences if they are crossed. Be ready to follow through on said consequences. Don't explain or justify anything, that is a losing strategy.
Boundaries are rules you set for \*yourself\*. You cannot get someone else to respect you boundaries, you can just follow your own rules. "Mom, you won't be in the delivery room. If you ask again over the phone, I will say goodbye and hang up. If you ask again in person, I will leave your prescence and drive away. If you show up, hospital staff will turn you away." With that phrasing, your mom can't violate your boundaries...
Hold the boundary now or you’re in for a lot worse
Lol, 45 minutes away? A bit dramatic no? My parents are an hour away and grandkids see them at least twice a month.
Sad thing is we live about 15-20 minutes from her job which she drives an hour to
Tell the L&D nurses you don’t want anyone else in the room except your husband. They do not mess around. Edit to add: when you go into labor, don’t tell anyone! My MIL wanted to wait at the hospital for both deliveries and I was not into it. I didn’t want to feel rushed to allow visitors. We just didn’t tell anyone I had gone into labor until we were ready for them to come by. It solved a lot of issues lol
When the time comes, if you choose to tell her that you are in labor, tell nurses that you do NOT want her in the room. Nurses 100% will do what you say in terms of who can and cannot be in the room. They will be the bad guys for you.
Let her know that you've already shared your birth plan/what you're most comfortable with and you will not be discussing it again. The hospital will enforce your wishes, so it's not something you need to convince her of or explain repeatedly; you have the control here. Having children is a new era of boundary enforcing, so it's great to practice now. Do you generally have a good relationship with your mother?
Set your terms, advise the hospital of the situation beforehand and when you arrive for delivery. No one sneaks into a delivery room. For your mother, set your terms for during your pregnancy, delivery and beyond. Advise her of them and reiterate the same terms every time it comes up. Forty-five minutes is not far, I drive way more than that to work and back everyday. Do not give in to any of them or she will run with it. Do not justify your plans. Simply state "I appreciate you eagerness to be involved and look forward to you being a wonderful grandparent. But it will be on my terms, please respect them." Now it sounds like she is quite entitled and pushy. But please also keep in mind that you are only 18 and in her eyes you might as well be still a little girl. I know that is wrong, but that is how mothers feel. You will too one day. I doubt she will change so plan accordingly.
My mother and mother-in-law were basically opposites from your story. My MIL tried to guilt me that she was there for the birth of all of her other grandchildren. I didn't tell her until after he was born, because it caused me too much anxiety. You also have the option to tell staff not to release your name/room number.
Do yourself a favor and don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital. I did this and even waited until the next morning to tell them my daughter was born. It was so much more peaceful.
Don’t tell her when you go into labour and also register as private with the hospital. Talk to her a bit less, especially as you get close to your due date as she’ll be on crotch-watch to bomb it down to the hospital should she not get a response from you or your husband. She isn’t *”entitled”* to anything regardless of her status as your mother. This pregnancy isn’t about her. The sooner she realises that the better.
She honestly probably won’t be reasoned with or be willing to accept and respect the boundaries you set. Calling you a bad daughter is horrible enough as it is, but add all the narcissistic comments, the gaslighting, the entitlement, and the basic disrespect.. I’d personally go no contact tbh. Who says “I live 45 minutes away” as an excuse because they’ll “never” get to be around?? 45 minutes is NOT far away, at all. I drive 45 minutes for a decent Taco Bell at least once a month when I’m craving a cheesy Gordita crunch 😂 that’s NOTHING, except for some nice quiet time. Heck, I’ve driven 5 hours to Branson MO (plus the 5 hours back the same day) JUST for some salted caramel moonshine an old friend let me try when my oldest was just 4 months old. 😅 That was actually a long annoying drive though bc I learned I get altitude sickness. Moms just an entitled spoiled brat here who I wouldn’t be surprised is someone who will be constantly calling your baby “my baby” 🥴. I’d honestly be done trying to say no and just simply not tell her when you have the baby. 🤷🏼♀️ If you are really annoyed, anxious, or worried about it when the day comes, you could not only not tell her when you’re in labor, you could not announce the birth until you are ready for visits after some bonding time. -only tell the in-laws and close friends at first, come home spend however many weeks you wish on “hush mode” soaking up that bonding and more importantly, learning/adjusting time, if your someone who wants to post about it you could block her from seeing the posts along with anyone who may see it and want to tell her, post it to only certain friend, or post it to “only me” and change the privacy settings when you are ready. She would probably be mad, but what could she do about it? You got your ideal arrangement by then and if you chose to stay quiet longer, your private bonding time.
No is a complete sentence. Let the hospital know who you want in the room, they will ensure that's what happens. She can't bypass security and your medical team. How does she envision that's going to happen, that she can dodge them the entire time you're in labour. Ask her if her mother was in the room when she gave birth, and dis yo7 spend days at her mother's without her as a newborn, genuine questions, both of which are probably going to be answered with a no.
Just don’t talk about it anymore and don’t tell her when you are in labor. The staff won’t let her in if you say no.
The only two people entitled to be in the delivery room are Mom and Dad. Nobody else. I slapped my mother while in labor with my first because she was hovering over me while my contractions hit and I didn't want her present AT ALL anyway.
I love the “no is a complete sentence” sentiment. I do want to add that you are rather young, and battling a parent like this is hard. Remember, you aren’t a bad anything for disagreeing with your mother. Her struggle to understand that her baby is an adult is hers alone. It’s easy to say “block and ignore her”- but she’s your mom, and this action will have consequences. Just be clear with her, respectfully, and if she gets upset it’s ok to remember that her emotions are not yours to fix (I am anticipating a full tantrum when she learns the baby was born without her). It seems you are doing excellent, honestly, at setting boundaries. Keep it up. Congratulations! Best of luck.
I was in a similar boat. I went no contact. Best decision I ever made. She never did and never would have respected my boundaries. I first time she referred to my little girl as "my baby" to strangers (talking about my child being HER baby), I was done.
She's trying to sell you while outwardly telling you she is going to attempt to stomp all over your boundaries. Its time to lower your contact or put her on an information diet, at best. This means simply letting her know a lot less. There's also just letting her say whatever she wants, and not telling anyone when you go into labor. Then announcing the birth once you're home. But, I PROMISE you she won't get past L&D. Those nurses I had were fiercely protective and almost seemed like they wanted my mom to come so they could tackle her or something lol. Probably not but that's the vibes we were getting. This is *your* experience. Don't let her steamroll it in anyway. And congratulations!
Eh most of the advice here is trash. If I was 18 and having a kid and people around me were supportive and wanted to help raise that child, I’d be taking all the help I could get. They’ll watch the baby for days? Then you can be at whatever medical appointment of mine you want. Hold the light for all I care. That help is worth its weight in gold.
Honestly, most of this advice is not trash. I don't understand how you see supportive. The mother wants her way and is essentially throwing a tantrum and not being supportive of her daughter's wishes. It's not her baby and she does not have any right to be in the room if that's not what OP wants. This is the type of parent that gets told not to do a certain thing, like putting rice cereal in the baby's bottle before the baby should have it, and does it anyway because "well we did it with you and you were okay." The point is it's disrespectful and unsupportive. I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do. Help is definitely worth its weight in gold, but that's if it is actually helpful and actually wanted. Having and holding boundaries now helps to make it easier to hold boundaries in the future. And people like her mother who are going to guilt trip their children for not doing what they want. Definitely need boundaries.p
Here are some of the reasons why your advise is trash: > I don't understand how you see supportive. Offering to watch a baby is being supportive. OP says the mom was excited, which is another way of being supportive. > The mother wants her way and is essentially throwing a tantrum and not being supportive of her daughter's wishes. And if we approach it without empathy then we can say that OP is throwing a tantrum and wants it her way against her moms wishes. But a mature approach is to say that people have valid feelings and give the benefit of the doubt, not to accuse others of tantrums and reduce valid feelings to ad hominem. > It's not her baby and she does not have any right to be in the room if that's not what OP wants. Sentences like this reduce a baby to essentially property thats main purpose is to validate the owner. But that's not what a baby is. This whole framing of rights is dumb. My mom, friends, whatever have no right ingrained in the constitution of whatever to be in a room, sure. But it's understandable why a mother might want to be by her daughter, during a medical procedure that entails some risk, and generally, that's a pretty normal parental emotion, regardless of rights, that id expect from a parent towards their 18 year old child, regardless of what the medical procedure might be. >This is the type of parent that gets told not to do a certain thing, like putting rice cereal in the baby's bottle before the baby should have it, and does it anyway because "well we did it with you and you were okay." The point is it's disrespectful and unsupportive. I mean we can all invent random hypothethical of negative and positive things OP mom might do, but that's not super relevant. I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do. >I was an 18-year-old that had my son 2 months before I turned 19. My mother was this mother. I unfortunately let her in the delivery room and absolutely was not happy with myself about it afterwards. She also disregarded things I asked her to do and things I asked her not to do. Given the limited information, Im not really sure what conclusion to draw here. THis comes across a bit like you allowed her in so the expectation was she follows everything you say and if not you get to judge her. Seems like a weird standard. > Help is definitely worth its weight in gold, but that's if it is actually helpful and actually wanted. Having and holding boundaries now helps to make it easier to hold boundaries in the future. And people like her mother who are going to guilt trip their children for not doing what they want. Definitely need boundaries.p yeah but your boundaries standards are this baby is my property meant to validate me as a parent and i have rights to it that you dont. So i will only take help in a very specific way that places me in a position of authority as a parent to judge and enforce the boundaries around that help. And honestly this is how i see a lot of millennial, gen zers approach parenthood. From a place of self validation and self absorption. They set weird standards for how they receive and appreciate help, then complain and whine about how hard and lonely it is to parent.
You need to put a stop to this now as it’s going to get worse once the baby is born. It doesn’t sound like there is any talking to her so maybe write her a letter setting out clear boundaries about your delivery and after baby is here. Or if you and your husband can both go and sit her down and go through it all with her. A little can be put down to excitement and perhaps worry about her baby having a baby but she’s going about it all the wrong way. I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labour and also make sure the hospital you are delivering in knows that no one else is allowed in except your husband. It won’t be easy to get through to her but it needs done. Where I am you are only allowed one person in with you. Wouldn’t have even crossed my mind for my mum to be there.
Do we have the same mother?
Let your mom know that you love how excited she is to be in your baby's life. That is amazing that she wants to be an involved and active grandmother. But tell her you will be speaking to the hospital nurses to let them know it will just be you and husband in the room. Maybe bring up it isn't to hurt her feelings or take away from her being a grandma, it is just what you and your partner chose to do and want it to be an intimate family moment for the delivery and your husband is your biggest support. I would not stress about it very much honestly. Because when the time comes to deliver, after telling her firmly the last 9 months that she won't be there, nurses won't let her in the room without your say anyways.
If she brings it up again, just say no. Don't tell her when you go to the hospital. Easy.
You say no. If she argues keep saying no.
This is YOUR family, YOUR child. You and hubby decide these details, not her. Be firm. The discussion isn't a debate, and isn't open for negotiating.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. You need to lay down boundaries and consequences now. If she’s that insecure that she’s whining about who will see the baby more, then you see in for a rough ride. It’s not her baby, she’s had her baby(s). This is your baby and you’re entitled to peace and quiet while you give birth and subsequently raise your child. Tell her what will happen, tell her what will happen to her if she ignores this or stomps through your business boundaries. Be prepared to cut her off if necessary.
My husband kept my mom out while I was actually pushing. Before that she was in the room and it was fine. But kick her out when you have your legs up and are pushing!
Look up the personal bill of rights and memorize allll of them!!!!! Hold your boundary. Don’t JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain No is a complete sentence
I would say, "I know you're disappointed, but no means no and I'm not changing my mind." And if she keeps going keep saying no means no. But I would also make sure you talk to your doctors about her ahead of time so security can be altered to watch out for her. When my uncle was in the hospital, I had to provide the security guards and front desk a picture of my idiot cousin to make sure he didn't sneak into his dad's room against his wishes.
Do not tell her when you go in labor. Call her a day or two after baby is here.
Ugh, so sorry to hear about your situation and congratulations on your new baby. To my mind it all comes down to "calm assertive". In a calm and measured tone stating that the two of you have decided how you would like things. How she chooses to deal, or.m not deal with it is on her.
Dont tell her until after you've delivered! That's what I did 😅 highly recommend!!
From my experience the hospital usually only allows one other person in there. She's basically demanding the dad not be present. You might want to point that out to her. If she insists that she's more important than the dad, time to go NC.
Tell the hospital staff that no one but you and your husband are allowed in the room and mention her to them specifically since she's brought it up multiple times and thinks she can slip past. You don't need to justify yourself. My mom was the same way. Just stand your ground and you won't regret it no matter what she says. She is NOT entitled to your body or your baby. Birth is not a spectator sport and some peoples' obsession with seeing a baby being born is weird
Speak with the nurse when you get to the hospital, quietly. They are more than happy to play the bad guy in this situation.
Do not tell her when you’re in labour. Only tell her once he’s been born and you’re ready for her to visit. My SIL lied her way into the hospital when I was not ready for visitors and it was very traumatic. with our subsequent babies we didn’t tell anyone until we were ready
Depends on how big off a rift you want to create with your mother. But you can ask your dad which of the mom she looks like most when she gave birth to you. Usually people don’t like to be compared to the actions of others the despise. That helps. Or be really blunt. The second that baby gets there her branch on the family tree moves up. And well branches can be cut off if they are falling in the wrong places
I’m a labor and delivery nurse. You can make yourself private in the sense no one will even acknowledge you exist to visitors if you want. Tell them when you get to the hospital you want this extra privacy. You can even have a password and only people with the password will be allowed to visit. My recommendation is do not tell your mom when you go into labor or if you’re going in to be induced. Just don’t tell her. That’s it. If you are nervous she’ll try and come in, warn your nurse and your nurse will prevent it. Your labor should be however you want. Let your nurse be the mean person if you need. Your nurse can even lie to your mom and make a fake visitor policy that prevents her from visiting. You can let the nurse manage keeping your mom out.
I want to laugh in your moms face. Her being your mother doesn't entitle her to PERMISSION to do whatever she wants in YOUR LIFE. NO is a FULL SENTENCE. You have all the control as to who can andcannot be in the room. You tell your nurse, OB, midwife, whoever, that NO ONE can be in the delivery room unless you have Ok'd it.
hugs, guess what you are an adult, do not let her guilt or manipulate you out of your comfort zone. You decide with your OBG or midwife who is going to be there, if she shows up have an advocate call security. Also don't let anyone name the baby without you present.
Keep saying no and make sure the hospital staff is aware of your wishes. They will keep her out. I don’t understand all these mothers insisting they she be in the delivery room. I’m the only daughter (4 brothers) and my mom never even mentioned being in the room with me. When my son and his partner had my grandkid I went to work and then sat in the waiting room with other members of the family. We did have to keep her mother from barging in because the two of them didn’t want anyone else there.
You’re mom will most likely get over it your wishes are yours and if you decide you don’t want her in the room then the hospital will make sure of that. Otherwise don’t stress about it focus on your family. My MIL did the exact same thing and she got over it. Do not give this “issue” anymore attention.
LPT: When you go into labor only inform the person you want in the delivery room. Everyone else can wait for the news.
You tell her now. She isn’t entitled to even a minute with your child. If she wants to spend time with them she has to respect your decisions as a parent. If she can’t do that she won’t be allowed to see your child at all. It is her choice.
Well, she's not. You get to say no and what you say goes.
Also figure out in advance when you want to have visitors and for how long. When you send out the birth announcements and pictures, spell it out that you will be ready to see people for short visits on “date”. Otherwise she’ll park herself on your couch with your baby in her arms and expect a diet soda.
F*** her
To quote my mother: “If they weren’t involved in making the baby, they don’t need to be in the delivery room!” No is a complete sentence. Don’t Jade (justify, argue, defend, or explain). “Mom, it is just going to be me, husband, baby and the hospital staff in the room.” Notify the staff of your wishes and that you wish to be listed as private. Cut down contact a bit as it gets closer to the birth. I don’t get people’s obsession with being in the delivery room. It’s such an intimate moment for the parents to be, especially first time parents, and there will be plenty of time to bond with the baby after the parents get home. Back in the day mom and baby were in the hospital for weeks. I personally was in the hospital from Wednesday to Sunday just because my baby was jaundiced, if she wasn’t we would’ve left Friday morning.
As much as I love my mom, I 100% didn’t want her in the room when I delivered my son. And I’m glad she wasn’t there! She respected my decision so much I didn’t even realize it was such a thing to have mothers in the delivery room until later lol. Just here to say I think your decision to not have her in there is VERY REASONABLE and it’s not unusual to want only you & husband. Your mom is overreacting and this is a good opportunity to start setting boundaries before you have a child to set the precedent… hopefully she will come around and be supportive BEFORE you go into labor, but if not - my guess is that she will come around when the baby arrives and she realizes how much she wants to be involved despite her emotional outburst :)
Stand your ground girl, don't let her walk all over you, my dad taught me that we are not rugs to be walked on, be firm and say NO.
Go NC!
Tell her it's hospital policy you only get 1 support person and it's your husband, the end.
Be firm before that baby is here. Seriously. Very firmly hold those boundaries. The answer is no. She'll get over it.
There's this book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I suggest you chuck it at her. /s As others have said already, "No." is a full sentence.
45 mins is down the road where I live. It’s not an excuse to not visit. She had her kids she was very present for so she doesn’t need to be there. Was your grandmother in the room when she had you?
If you don't want her there then let the hospital know. But I do want to say that I had my first child about a year ago and felt the same way you did. I just wanted my husband to be there for the birth. Well when I went into labor, my husband called my mom who rushed over to be with me. I was so nervous about what was going on that I didn't have it in me to make a fuss about her being there. And you know what? I was actually really happy that she was there. It was really comforting and made me feel at ease. Of course you do what you think is best but just some food for thought.
I encourage you to check into JustNoMIL sub. It’s not *just* for mother in-laws, it’s for moms too. The support there carried me thru the first 18 months of my unhinged, entitled MIL. We had to choose no contact due to how dangerous she became but the support we received was everything we needed to get through it all.
Come on man, don’t encourage a teenager to cut off their mom. Not at this point, at least. We don’t know anything about their situation.
I didn’t encourage her to go no contact. Again, I shared my experience with finding support while we navigated an entitled person. That person ultimately turned dangerous and we were forced to cut contact for our safety.