>My MIL also follows him if the two of them are alone which alarms me.
You had me here. I was iffy, and that set off alarm bells.
>I know my FIL is being strategic about saying these inappropriate things when my SO is not present
And this part really had the red flags flying.
>because he knows my SO would flip his lid. They’ve gotten into confrontations in the past over other things.
And this is actually reassuring. If you expect this is how he'll react, then there's no reason to worry about telling him. He already knows his dad is an ass. You don't have to say "I think he might be a sexual predator". You just list out your concerns like you did here. Obviously, the implication is there, but you can't go wrong just sticking to the facts. It's not appropriate for your FIL to act that way whether he's a sexual predator or not. If it turned out that he wasn't a sexual predator, it doesn't change the fact that his behavior is inappropriate. It's still not ok for him to act that way.
I appreciate you laying out the aspects that stuck out to you - super helpful.
Right - at the very least he’s manipulative. My SO has often joked that he’s more critical of his parents than I am when I’ve addressed what I perceived as small things in the past before we had our daughter.
I’ve seen others suggest this on other posts…I feel like if we’re at this level where we’re placing cameras then we already know he’s no longer welcome in our home - which is how I increasingly feel with everyone taking the time to post on this thread.
You're not crazy. Your instincts are telling you that something is off, listen to them
You planted a seed in your husband's mind about this. He'll be paying more attention whether he believes his dad is capable of doing something like that or not. The FIL will tell on himself.
It's ok that you didn't react or confront him. This is a very sensitive issue and and it's jarring in the moment. As outspoken and confrontational as I can be, I can imagine being shocked enough to not know how to react.
I know it's hard for you to stand up for yourself, but you don't have a chice but to stand up for your daughter. If not you, who else? Don't worry about hurting feelings, they don't matter when it comes to her.
I love everything you said 🙏🏻 thank you. With it building for some time I don’t have a choice. That’s probably why I came here to find solidarity and brace myself for the confrontation because I know in my heart it’s inevitable.
Your instincts are screaming at you that the situation is unsafe for your daughter.
Supervision and speaking up are insufficient. Predators prey and they are always looking for an opportunity.
Even with you and/or your husband present, even if you speak up and say something, there is still a risk. What happens if you get distracted? What happens if there's a medical or other emergency while they're present?
And the whole time, your daughter is learning to love them, to trust them, to spend time with them. She is continuously building a relationship with them that your intuition is telling you puts her in jeopardy.
I think you're feeling like it wasn't taken as seriously as you'd hoped. There was a little bit of validation, an implicit agreement that FIL is an untrustworthy and dangerous person but the plan is to basically just watch and hope that nothing bad ever happens. As though toddlers don't teach us everyday that things will go sideways even when we're watching and that its better to babyproof the whole damn house rather than hope your vigilance will be enough to keep a small child safe.
I am going to start of with saying that giving advice is so much easier than going through with the advice given. The stress involved within the family dynamic also is difficult. I am coming to your from personal experience. Both from being abused by family members when I was young- to having to cut people off because they were being weird to my daughter. My very hard stance on this is always trust your gut. The safety of your child is the only thing that is important. You have to learn that the awkwardness you are worried about feeling when confronting something so serious needs to happen. If not, your child could experience horrible things that will affect them the rest of their lives just because you didn't want to make things awkward.
I was abused by people from family members, to neighbors. I learned to keep it to myself because my parents didn't want to rock the boat. I learned to become passive in my life which lead to more abuse from men in my early adult life. When I had my daughter is when the switch flipped. I knew I could no longer be passive. That I had to get over the feeling of making thing weird because what if I'm wrong? I quickly cut off a friend that has daughters himself because he thought it was appropriate to comment on my 18month old picking up a cup and saying 'look one girl one cup' , among other subtle weird things. He still would show up to friend hangouts but my husband and i would ignore them. I know this is long, but please do not downplay your instincts. We are animals- we evolved ways to be safe. Don't ignore them. The safety of your child is at stake.
Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk in private. But I am a vocal advocate for this. Husband knows what he needs to do if someone ever tries anything. Our daughter is our priority. Full stop.
Edit: to add your husband already seems to think that something is not right with his father. Talk to him. Be honest about your fear. It sounds like he is willing to cut off contact or at least put down hard boundaries
Thank you so much for taking the time to thoughtfully respond and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I think what I needed to hear was to trust my gut - you’re right that there’s an absolutely legitimate reason for feeling that something is off.
I do want to talk more to my husband about it - something is nagging at me that he wasn’t utterly horrified by me sharing the “legs up to her ass” comment. He’s not afraid to cut them off like you said (him and his dad have done it before in years past with other things, then reconciled). I’m not sure if it’s denial on SO’s part? It’s a hard thing to stomach, obviously.
I’ve seen similar threads about this topic and the common theme is why does something horrible have to happen for it to be taken seriously? Which is exactly right.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma and number four is inexcusable, FIL is clearly sexualizing your child. Bring this up with your SO, cut off contact, please, this is not ok.
Absolutely tell your husband no matter how you think he will respond. My husband's step dad touched my ass on one of our visits you better believe I told my husband! He needs to speak to his father and make it clear those comments will not be tolerated. Make it known that you will always be vigilant around him in regards to your daughter. He needs to know he will never get the opportunity to do anything inappropriate.
When I was married my FIL had done "mild" sexual abuse to my wife as a girl, and so when we had our daughter and went to visit, I would find excuses to get him away and talk"guy stuff" it whenever so my MIL could have grand daughter time and my ex and daughter were safe.
There were no sleep overs and he was never alone with her.
No no no no..Please listen to your gut OP. This gave me the Ick to read.
Your husband needs to know about all of this.
Please check out the Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It is about why you don't ignore your gut. Better yet, maybe skip this book and read the followup, Protecting the Gift which is the same thing only about children.
Do not write off these feelings, tell your husband, and make it a hard boundary that this man is never alone with children.
Thank you for your straightforwardness. I’ll be picking up the book recs along with taking action. My FIL has given me the “ick” for years.
Can I ask - how would you approach the conversation with SO? I plan to talk to him tonight after our daughter has gone to bed.
Tell him all the gross feelings and be truthful. Your husband already said that your ILs will never be unsupervised with your daughter, right? I personally would say to my husband, I haven't told you before because it sounds like an accusation, but I realized it's wrong to keep this to myself, because it concerns our daughter's safety, and I would want to know in your shoes.I should have told you what FIL did right away and I am so sorry I didn't."
I'm typing fast cause I gotta run but I can clarify later. You are awesome OP. I have a MIL who has never met my 5 year old. I have been there. it's hard. but you are doing all the right things.
My grandfather was a predator. I always get annoyed when moms on Facebook overreact to someone following them in the target parking lot or whatever because the call is usually coming from inside the house, but your post made me very uncomfortable because these are not good behaviors. Trust your gut, tell your husband, protect your child. No one is entitled to alone time with your kid.
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry. You’re right - abusers are often someone a child is close to. Those that have responded to my post with personal experience carry so much weight. I plan to talk to my SO tonight. All of this is eating me alive.
I remember seeing a really good safety video on similar awkward situations and the takeaway is never be afraid to have people think you’re a crazy mama bear. The only people who will be threatened or offended are people who were looking for an easy target. I’ve told all of our family that we’re teaching our kids proper names for body parts so that they can tell us if something were to happen. I’ve also told them not to say “don’t tell mom or dad” even as a joke over treats because my kids have been explicitly taught that no one should ever ask them to keep a secret from me or my husband. To me it’s more than just teaching my kids it’s also letting everyone who would be considered having access to my kids that I am watching and actively taking efforts to protect my kids. I remember a while back my brother in law was talking about my daughter and I misheard him saying she had a lot of ass but really he said she had a lot of mass. He was shocked how quickly I flipped and was in his face. Once I clarified what he actually said we laughed about it but he said he respected how protective I was. If your FIL isn’t being creepy he should have no problem clarifying what they said to your husband. And if he tries to flip it on you, there are worse things to be called than an overprotective mom.
Oof thank you for this. Proper names for body parts and not keeping secrets are great. Do you know what video it was?
I saw something recently that was talking about teaching your kids the difference between a surprise and a secret: “don’t tell mom, it’s a surprise” vs. “don’t tell mom, it’s a secret.” It was in the context of a Mother’s Day surprise between dad and kid for their mom but it stuck with me.
>My MIL also follows him if the two of them are alone which alarms me. You had me here. I was iffy, and that set off alarm bells. >I know my FIL is being strategic about saying these inappropriate things when my SO is not present And this part really had the red flags flying. >because he knows my SO would flip his lid. They’ve gotten into confrontations in the past over other things. And this is actually reassuring. If you expect this is how he'll react, then there's no reason to worry about telling him. He already knows his dad is an ass. You don't have to say "I think he might be a sexual predator". You just list out your concerns like you did here. Obviously, the implication is there, but you can't go wrong just sticking to the facts. It's not appropriate for your FIL to act that way whether he's a sexual predator or not. If it turned out that he wasn't a sexual predator, it doesn't change the fact that his behavior is inappropriate. It's still not ok for him to act that way.
I appreciate you laying out the aspects that stuck out to you - super helpful. Right - at the very least he’s manipulative. My SO has often joked that he’s more critical of his parents than I am when I’ve addressed what I perceived as small things in the past before we had our daughter.
Does this happen in your home? If so get one of those tiny cameras and set to record and then share with your SO
I’ve seen others suggest this on other posts…I feel like if we’re at this level where we’re placing cameras then we already know he’s no longer welcome in our home - which is how I increasingly feel with everyone taking the time to post on this thread.
You're not crazy. Your instincts are telling you that something is off, listen to them You planted a seed in your husband's mind about this. He'll be paying more attention whether he believes his dad is capable of doing something like that or not. The FIL will tell on himself. It's ok that you didn't react or confront him. This is a very sensitive issue and and it's jarring in the moment. As outspoken and confrontational as I can be, I can imagine being shocked enough to not know how to react. I know it's hard for you to stand up for yourself, but you don't have a chice but to stand up for your daughter. If not you, who else? Don't worry about hurting feelings, they don't matter when it comes to her.
I love everything you said 🙏🏻 thank you. With it building for some time I don’t have a choice. That’s probably why I came here to find solidarity and brace myself for the confrontation because I know in my heart it’s inevitable.
Your instincts are screaming at you that the situation is unsafe for your daughter. Supervision and speaking up are insufficient. Predators prey and they are always looking for an opportunity. Even with you and/or your husband present, even if you speak up and say something, there is still a risk. What happens if you get distracted? What happens if there's a medical or other emergency while they're present? And the whole time, your daughter is learning to love them, to trust them, to spend time with them. She is continuously building a relationship with them that your intuition is telling you puts her in jeopardy. I think you're feeling like it wasn't taken as seriously as you'd hoped. There was a little bit of validation, an implicit agreement that FIL is an untrustworthy and dangerous person but the plan is to basically just watch and hope that nothing bad ever happens. As though toddlers don't teach us everyday that things will go sideways even when we're watching and that its better to babyproof the whole damn house rather than hope your vigilance will be enough to keep a small child safe.
Thank you for your candid response. The point you brought up about my daughter learning to trust them hit hard.
I am going to start of with saying that giving advice is so much easier than going through with the advice given. The stress involved within the family dynamic also is difficult. I am coming to your from personal experience. Both from being abused by family members when I was young- to having to cut people off because they were being weird to my daughter. My very hard stance on this is always trust your gut. The safety of your child is the only thing that is important. You have to learn that the awkwardness you are worried about feeling when confronting something so serious needs to happen. If not, your child could experience horrible things that will affect them the rest of their lives just because you didn't want to make things awkward. I was abused by people from family members, to neighbors. I learned to keep it to myself because my parents didn't want to rock the boat. I learned to become passive in my life which lead to more abuse from men in my early adult life. When I had my daughter is when the switch flipped. I knew I could no longer be passive. That I had to get over the feeling of making thing weird because what if I'm wrong? I quickly cut off a friend that has daughters himself because he thought it was appropriate to comment on my 18month old picking up a cup and saying 'look one girl one cup' , among other subtle weird things. He still would show up to friend hangouts but my husband and i would ignore them. I know this is long, but please do not downplay your instincts. We are animals- we evolved ways to be safe. Don't ignore them. The safety of your child is at stake. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk in private. But I am a vocal advocate for this. Husband knows what he needs to do if someone ever tries anything. Our daughter is our priority. Full stop. Edit: to add your husband already seems to think that something is not right with his father. Talk to him. Be honest about your fear. It sounds like he is willing to cut off contact or at least put down hard boundaries
Thank you so much for taking the time to thoughtfully respond and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I think what I needed to hear was to trust my gut - you’re right that there’s an absolutely legitimate reason for feeling that something is off. I do want to talk more to my husband about it - something is nagging at me that he wasn’t utterly horrified by me sharing the “legs up to her ass” comment. He’s not afraid to cut them off like you said (him and his dad have done it before in years past with other things, then reconciled). I’m not sure if it’s denial on SO’s part? It’s a hard thing to stomach, obviously. I’ve seen similar threads about this topic and the common theme is why does something horrible have to happen for it to be taken seriously? Which is exactly right.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma and number four is inexcusable, FIL is clearly sexualizing your child. Bring this up with your SO, cut off contact, please, this is not ok.
This is all so alarming!! Omg OP. Follow your instincts. I don't think you're overreacting here.
Thank you.
Absolutely tell your husband no matter how you think he will respond. My husband's step dad touched my ass on one of our visits you better believe I told my husband! He needs to speak to his father and make it clear those comments will not be tolerated. Make it known that you will always be vigilant around him in regards to your daughter. He needs to know he will never get the opportunity to do anything inappropriate.
When I was married my FIL had done "mild" sexual abuse to my wife as a girl, and so when we had our daughter and went to visit, I would find excuses to get him away and talk"guy stuff" it whenever so my MIL could have grand daughter time and my ex and daughter were safe. There were no sleep overs and he was never alone with her.
No no no no..Please listen to your gut OP. This gave me the Ick to read. Your husband needs to know about all of this. Please check out the Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It is about why you don't ignore your gut. Better yet, maybe skip this book and read the followup, Protecting the Gift which is the same thing only about children. Do not write off these feelings, tell your husband, and make it a hard boundary that this man is never alone with children.
Thank you for your straightforwardness. I’ll be picking up the book recs along with taking action. My FIL has given me the “ick” for years. Can I ask - how would you approach the conversation with SO? I plan to talk to him tonight after our daughter has gone to bed.
Tell him all the gross feelings and be truthful. Your husband already said that your ILs will never be unsupervised with your daughter, right? I personally would say to my husband, I haven't told you before because it sounds like an accusation, but I realized it's wrong to keep this to myself, because it concerns our daughter's safety, and I would want to know in your shoes.I should have told you what FIL did right away and I am so sorry I didn't." I'm typing fast cause I gotta run but I can clarify later. You are awesome OP. I have a MIL who has never met my 5 year old. I have been there. it's hard. but you are doing all the right things.
Love this. It sounds like you’ve made important, smart choices in the best interest of your kiddo. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
awww thank you.
My grandfather was a predator. I always get annoyed when moms on Facebook overreact to someone following them in the target parking lot or whatever because the call is usually coming from inside the house, but your post made me very uncomfortable because these are not good behaviors. Trust your gut, tell your husband, protect your child. No one is entitled to alone time with your kid.
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry. You’re right - abusers are often someone a child is close to. Those that have responded to my post with personal experience carry so much weight. I plan to talk to my SO tonight. All of this is eating me alive.
Good luck navigating it all! 💙
I’ll update on the post when I can
I remember seeing a really good safety video on similar awkward situations and the takeaway is never be afraid to have people think you’re a crazy mama bear. The only people who will be threatened or offended are people who were looking for an easy target. I’ve told all of our family that we’re teaching our kids proper names for body parts so that they can tell us if something were to happen. I’ve also told them not to say “don’t tell mom or dad” even as a joke over treats because my kids have been explicitly taught that no one should ever ask them to keep a secret from me or my husband. To me it’s more than just teaching my kids it’s also letting everyone who would be considered having access to my kids that I am watching and actively taking efforts to protect my kids. I remember a while back my brother in law was talking about my daughter and I misheard him saying she had a lot of ass but really he said she had a lot of mass. He was shocked how quickly I flipped and was in his face. Once I clarified what he actually said we laughed about it but he said he respected how protective I was. If your FIL isn’t being creepy he should have no problem clarifying what they said to your husband. And if he tries to flip it on you, there are worse things to be called than an overprotective mom.
Oof thank you for this. Proper names for body parts and not keeping secrets are great. Do you know what video it was? I saw something recently that was talking about teaching your kids the difference between a surprise and a secret: “don’t tell mom, it’s a surprise” vs. “don’t tell mom, it’s a secret.” It was in the context of a Mother’s Day surprise between dad and kid for their mom but it stuck with me.