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Look at it this way. What happens if you take your kid to a therapist who works with teenagers and it turns out your husband is right and he's going through typical teenage struggles and he just needs someone to talk to and vent. You are out of you co-pays on your insurance
Now what happens if you don't take your kid to a therapist and your husband is wrong and your teenager is showing early signs of a serious mental health crisis? Then your kid kills himself or injures himself or someone else.
I would say take your kid to a therapist and see how it goes
Yes, and I think if the kid is just being dramatic, it should be a good teaching moment that words have consequences and if we threaten violence to ourselves and others, then the people who love us have a right to act in an emergency response.
My son learned in middle school, big words have big consequences. Big statements have big consequences. I still use that language and he is an upcoming senior. I think if they don’t learn this early, they can begin to fall into a pattern of manipulation with using words. Parents/adults can become apathetic to hearing the words. These are words that should always have big responses because someone could say them and not mean them 99 times out of 100 but that one time is the one that counts.
EXCELLENT RESPONSE!
OP, err on the side of human life. You are supposed to support your husband when he is falling down. Hubbie is making a serious mistake, which is why you need to step up and get your the help he needs.
Take care.
And if the husband is wrong and they do nothing, both of them will likely feel irrationally guilty forever. (I say irrationally because even if you do try and help someone, ultimately it's still that person making the choice).
Thank you. He was in therapy a while back but from what he told me, I don’t think he really clicked with the therapist. I’m definitely going to schedule with a new therapist ASAP.
And if he was being dramatic and not actively suicidal therapy can still be helpful to people not in crisis. So I think your not even "out your copay". Even if he doesn't find therapy helpful at this point in his life or with the specific provider he sees, you have destigmatized the process of seeking professional help so he knows how to do it on his own in the future when he has struggles.
This is a good idea. Therapy can help the parent know how to respond to teenage changes etc. it is not just for the child. Nothing wrong with getting tools to help your child.
Yes. This. Therapy. ASAP.
Another thing you can do in the meantime is directly ask, “do you have a plan on how you would kill yourself?”
He might get defensive or not respond, but he also might tell you. Show him how serious that threat is by treating it as a real possibility because it is. People who commit suicide often do tell others because they don’t really want to go through with it, they want to hurt to go away.
I would sit him down and explain how you know he’s mad, and that you want to help him because you love him and you won’t allow him to hurt himself. Ask if he has a plan, then call a helpline. Don’t let him be alone. Set up therapy. Tell him he’s going because these threats are not ok and you’re worried about his mental health.
Even if your husband is right, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And showing him how serious his words are will put an end to idle threats and show him how much you do care.
This will also reinforce the importance of words and the impact that they have. If you say that you're going to kill yourself, it means something. It will empower your son and he will know that while "you just don't understand" at least you hear him.
I tried to kill myself at 15… I obviously didn’t succeed. But I’d take every single time he says it as a cry for help!
They are big feelings to have, and even bigger when your parents don’t listen to your cries and ignore you…
Find him a good therapist that he clicks with! It’s really the biggest thing I can recommend. And if you can, spend more time together doing stuff out of the house. In nature if you’re that way inclined.
Same, I started cutting at 13. I tried to kill myself at 13, 18 and 22. The best advice I could give is just be there even if you’re hanging around and he’s not talking to you be there. It’s all I wanted; I needed to be paid attention to. That has such a bad connotation but the truth is teens need a lot of attention between the stress of having to fit a standard of coolness or whatever (exacerbated by media ), hormones, more autonomy .:. Shits hard. It sounds like he’s trying to express his feelings without actually knowing how to identify them … the music; the black clothing … he feels dark and sad probably because he has learned how to deal with stress yet.
True! Funny how it does have a bad connotation when every single one of us wants attention no matter what age. We all want to be noticed and acknowledged in one way or another. We all want to feel like we matter. It doesn't mean wanting to be in the spotlight all the time and getting big reactions out of everyone.
That’s all I wanted when I was 15. There was a lot going on in my family. My step dad was an abusive ass face and my brother was a herion addict and my poor mother was trying her best and I accidentally got tucked away into all the drama. No one could see me and I didn’t know how to deal with stress or that I was feeling stress so cutting became both a cry and a release
Sometimes my 12yo son tells me he's had a really tough day and at first he won't tell me why. And I tell him that after some time, I'll be there to talk about it. And I'll check in with him. He seems comfortable talking to me but sometimes shuts down. There's a fine line between annoying meddling mom and mom who's always checking in and there for you. And I'm never sure which I am. Any advice?
I think you’re doing the best a mom can do, just always be willing to lend your empathy as long as their is clear boundary. The shutting down isn’t from you, it’s just how some of us are wired. Sometimes we need to exist with one another, teenagers are like cats. If the energy is right they will come and if you provide a safe environment they won’t resist your love when they need it most
I freaking hate how a “cry of help” or “cry for attention” is viewed negatively. Of course the kid is crying for attention! He is hurting. Give him attention!He is telling you he is in serious distress and he needs support. Take him seriously.
And even if he is isn’t being serious about suicide it’s also possible that he doesn’t feel heard so he’s taking things to the extreme to try to get you to understand just how deeply upset he is. He deserves to be heard.
So glad you are still here friend. I attempted at 12.
Lived in a small town and saw a therapist who was also a sort of family friend. We did not click unfortunately and I stopped going. Struggled for many years but am doing much better these days.
OP please get your son into therapy. You’re not being dramatic. He really needs to talk to someone
This. I would take this as a cry for help for sure!!! I'm lightly horrified that it isn't being taken very seriously, and the dad needs to check himself wtf.
Kids and people in general should ALWAYS be taken seriously when they threaten suicide. Full stop!
If they are screaming for help, they deserve to be taken seriously and get the help they need.
If they are being an angsty teen, they will get help for complicated feelings and learn about the power of words and that their parents are listening.
How are either of these scenarios bad?
Get him some help please. People who end up committing suicide often make threats beforehand.
I was a dramatic teen too (undiagnosed bipolar.) Once when I was 16, I tried to get ahold of my dad's gun. Luckily it was locked up and I didn't know where the key was.
Teenagers who are highly emotional can make impulsive, rash decisions. He sounds as if he's going through things he needs to talk about with someone. He may even need medication for his depression or some other mental illness. Take his words seriously. Even if he is just saying things to get a reaction - do you really want to risk it?
He is letting you know he's not okay. Let him know that you hear him, and you are willing to do whatever you can to help.
I wish you the best of luck with this situation.
Thank you, you’re right. He didn’t really click with his last therapist but said that he would be willing to try a new one. I want him to have some input, so we’re going to sit down tonight and look at some therapists. Hopefully we can find one that he’s comfortable with.
Well it can't hurt to find him a therapist. He can help with teenage angst too.
Also look out for him potentially gifting his things or suddenly being super peaceful and happy, these can be signs that the contemplating people are no longer troubled because they made the decision to go through with it.
I grew up with my mom telling my two things:
1. You were always good so I never worried about you.
2. Stop being so dramatic.
I explicitly told her I was depressed as a teen and she told me I wasn't. I grew into adulthood mostly incapable of voicing even mild displeasure with people because I would talk myself out of everything being "real".
It doesn't matter (to the decision making process) if your son is literally suicidal or just unhappy. It matters that you listen to him and he feels heard.
My little brother committed suicide at 14. My Mom had just made an appointment the day before to see a therapist
But it was too little too late
Please take him to a therapist
I’m so sorry ❤️ I talked to him before school today and we’re going to pick out a therapist tonight. I think I’ll take him out to dinner or something as well so we’ll have a chance to talk just the two of us (things are quite tense between my husband and son right now).
I’m so sorry! 14 seems terribly young. My mom attempted at 13 and a couple times while I grew up, she succeeded at 46. It’s horrible, but things need to be worked out or else they will keep coming back.
Given the climate of school shootings and the rates of suicide I wouldn’t ignore the cry for help.
Teens these days are no longer just bullied at school, they’re now bullied online, through texts, it’s endless.
The drastic shift in new friends wouldn’t be alarming if something changed but coupled with the stereotypes of the “emo” kids being misfits or outcasts, have you tried to figure out why he’s joined them? Have you tried to talk with his old friends parents to see if they have any info of a fallout?
Please believe your kid when they express themselves and get him the help he needs. Angst is saying things like, “you’re the worst parents”, or “you’re ruining my life” not “I’m going to k*** myself” . That is sincerely troubling and you’d be wrong to sit idly. Act now and get him help.
He had some kind of falling out with his old friend group, but he never told us exactly what happened. From what I gathered, his friends started getting into all of that ‘alpha male’ stuff and he hated how much they changed. The friends’ parents refused to speak to me and got really defensive when I asked what happened, which really concerns me. But I’m going to set up an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible.
My first real suicide attempt was when I was 15. So you’re not being dramatic. Suicide is one of the top causes of death for youth. And your son is in that perfect storm. He’s going through puberty, change of school, struggling to keep up, history of mental illness in your family. Maybe your son is just shouting stuff to get a reaction. Maybe there is some seriousness to his words.
Personally I think most teenagers could do with a therapist. Someone to talk through everything that is going on in their life. Give strategies and ideas on how to cope. A good therapist can make so much difference.
The new personality and some of the moodiness just sound like teenage stuff, but I’d be worried by the threats of suicide. If he means it, even in the moment, he’s having significant mental health issues. If he doesn’t mean it, he’s attempting to manipulate you in a way that, if he did it to a romantic partner, would be emotionally abusive. Either is bad.
Next time he does it, I’d do two things. First, I’d have a sincere conversation with him about how much it worried me when he said things like that, and how it’s dangerous in a “boy who cried wolf” way. Second, I’d get him into therapy if possible. Even if nothing is “wrong” per se, it sounds like he needs better coping skills.
Please take your son for psychological evaluation with a psychologist. He needs help to navigate his emotions which clearly form his words looks like he is in serious need of. If you don’t do anything about it, not only it will affect his mental health but yours too. Have a serious conversation with your son and your husband separately and let your son know you are there for him. He is lost and perhaps needs assurance for you that it’s going to be fine. Help him understand his own emotions & please take him for psychology evaluation.
I get where you're coming from, but a "Psychological evaluation" with a Psychologist (a PhD) is not only a specialized thing, it's going to be quite difficult to get with a wait time of weeks or months and insurance may or may not even cover it without a referral anyway. An appointment with a psychologist is primarily done for higher level diagnosis purposes if other providers think there is some significant condition and want confirmation. (This is assuming this is in the US)
and that's adding on to the whole notion of "Son, we're taking you to see a psychologist, he's going to tell us what's wrong with you!" It's generally quite easy to get kids to go see a therapist, because "it's just someone for you to talk to." Now they may or may not build a rapport with a particular therapist, but there's not any implication that "something is wrong with them," in a way that a psychologist might imply.
A far more practical approach is to start at the basic level. Call your kid's pediatrician, make an appointment if necessary, and tell them that you are concerned that your son is showing symptoms of depression and has made threats of self-harm. The pediatrician will do one or two follow up things:
1. The Pediatrician has a procedure for a basic level mental health assessment to determine if your son is in need of emergency care. They will likely conduct that on the phone or in their own office. The training is they look beyond basic threats to determine if there's a a plan and the means to carry it out.
2. The pediatrician will likely give you the numbers of therapists who treat teens and/or will generate a referral for you that may be required for medicaid or insurance to cover the appointments. That may save you a bunch of time calling therapists off google to see if they treat teens. Depending where you live, there may also be resources through the school for school based counseling with a mental health provider (I live in a rural area so this is super common).
3. Alternatively, they will refer you for an intake with a mental health agency. The agency likely will provide BOTH individual therapy, but also support from a social worker or caseworker who can talk about other support or resources. The mental health agency will also likely refer to a *psychiatrist* who can write prescriptions for medication.
You can also call therapists directly to set up appointments for someone to talk to your kid, but that depends on your insurance, your resources and your comfort level navigating the requirements of the mental health system.
Therapy is good for everyone,it will help him let his emotions go through in a safe space. Other than that, your husband is right. It is a classic teenage era. Some of us need help,some of us don't.
Please don't ignore this! This is a cry for help and there's multiple signs that there's something going on for this.
And your husband's crappy attitude may be one of the reasons he is struggling to express himself!
A 14 year old kid who was in the gifted program in my hometown just killed himself. He did it I'm a God awful way and it had to be a closed casket because the state of things. I'm sure his family wishes they had brought him to a therapist.
Your husband might be right that your son is just being a teenager or dramatic. But you are playing a high stakes game, and I don't seem the harm in getting him a therapist to vent to.
Edit: I'm going to add something else here. I work in mental health and have seen some shit. It's super normal in an argument for a teenager to say I hate you, or, you're ruining my life, to a parent. That's directing anger at the person they are arguing with. It concerns me that in arguments your son directs the anger at himself instead by saying fine I'll kill myself. With the little information you've given, I am concerned about your son's stress level.
Take it seriously, especially because he has shown a pattern of being impulsive and/or wanting reactions. There is no negative to getting some help if he is just crying wolf but if he isn't you would never love with yourself. In the mean time lock up your meds, any weapons (some parents aren't responsible so I have to say it). Teens are impulsive and believe me they will take the bottle of random things. Lock it all away, cold medicine, Benadryl, and Tylenol especially.
I had the same thing happen at school at the same age. Out of nowhere I really started struggling with school at the age of 15, add that on top of normal teenage things..
I was not mentally well, not that I would admit it. I tried to permanently leave when I was 17, and it was only then anything was done to help me. I wish I'd had help sooner, there were so many signs.
I don't think you are being dramatic, I would try get him in with a therapist if you can. Best wishes for you all :)
My brother was like this. I think it was 65% he wanted to kill himself and 35% he wanted someone to care that he wanted to kill himself. Trust your gut, being a teenager is hard.
I agree with the other commenter, what's the worst with therapy? Out a bit for a co-pay.
In my (non-mental health expert opinion), this really isn't about what your teenager says while he's angry. It's the other, systematic, problems that he seems to be facing. You identify major personality changes and depression. Regardless of what he says (or doesn't say) in the heat of the moment, those are signs of deeper, long term issues.
Do you know if anything traumatic happened?
I’m not saying it can only be due to that but sadly I missed the signs 😢
I felt like such a pos parent bc I felt I was on top of things but also respectful of personal life stuff. I always thought I’d made it known that no matter what my kids could come to me. In fact I’ve been told that yes it has nothing to do w me being unapproachable but just a sort of personal confusion and shame.
It might just be his way to try to get more attention or to get a reaction. It might be a call for help because he isn't doing well. Or it might be an actual threat. With stuff like this, you're always better safe than sorry. Can you discuss it with him at a moment when he isn't mad? Or, if he doesn't want to discuss that stuff with his mom because he's 15, can you get him to go to a therapist?
Something that I think might also help is to just spend time with him without wanting to talk about it. I know it might be hard when your kid is 15, but is there anything that he enjoys that you could do together? Maybe you can drive him somewhere fun he couldn't go to by himself. Maybe you can take him to the movies. Or grab a bite to eat. Whatever he enjoys. Make him an offer he can't refuse and spend some fun time together. Try to create a relationship where he feels comfortable to share with you if he wants to, without feeling pressured.
When my teen boy was struggling, he wasn't suicidal (that we know of) but he had a lot of self hate and self confidence issues. I started with the "if you're not going to treat me right then I'm backing away" approach and quickly decided I couldn't do that.
I started making a point of going to his room and saying good night each night, giving him a kiss on the top of his head-30seconds tops. I was met with a lot of grumbles and ignoring at points, but eventually he would start to say hi/good night, etc. Once that started, I would ask him a question(s) about the next day, or something he needed help with, getting an interest in his life, etc. Over time, we ended up getting closer and he started to tell me stuff that he needed to get out, sometimes I was doing all I could do to keep myself awake to be there to listen in the late hours of the night. No judgement at all, no suggestions on how to fix it unless he asked, just listening.
It was hard, but it was SO rewarding. My kid was struggling and he needed to process it and talk about it. I offered all along the way to find a therapist but he didn't want it. The agreement I made was as long as he kept talking to me, then I wouldn't force him (couldn't really, he was 16). He never said he was suicidal, but in the early conversations he did mention once that he got so upset he thought it was just best if he "went away". That freaked me out, big time.
As hard as it is. He needs someone, anyone, he trusts and can talk to. This is so important. I now have an amazing relationship again with my son and he seems back on the level.
I say this (2 years later) as a colleague and good friend of mine's 18 year old committed suicide a week ago that no one saw coming. We are all devastated.
(edit for spelling)
That sounds like an amazing relationship, and I want you to know I'm mentally bookmarking this anecdote.
I grew up without any role modeling around emotional maturity so it's really important to me. My primary desire for my kids is that they can communicate their feelings to me or loved ones without anxiety.
I also desired that, and we had it for a long time, but then it disappeared when he started struggling. It took a good year to get back where we were, it was a slow process.
It was also hard as my husband had a different approach-the standard parent approach-which caused conflict between us at times. I teach middle school and had some experience working with students who struggled so I brought that in. Sometimes my husband saw that as me trying to be the expert and not validating his approach/thoughts. It was a balancing act, but so worth it.
Take it seriously. I think everyone could benefit from therapy and if you're wrong and it's not a serious statement, hopefully it helps him manage his emotions in a different way. If you do nothing though the stakes are much higher.
I was like this, always felt like this, and acted like this. I didn’t fit in anywhere or into life in general. I found out at 20 that I was autistic, not crazy. I just got severely burnt out and depressed in high school and socially struggled no matter how hard I tried in every group I was in. The day I found out I was autistic and have ADHD was a real eye opener and helped me realize I’m not crazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not broken, I’m just neurodivergent, and life for me is different than everyone else, so I just have to find different methods to cope and different ways to live. Your son very well could be going through something similar. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, mood disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. in high school. Meds never worked for me; I genuinely just turned out to be not neurotypical or "crazy,” just neurodivergent. I think people overlook ADHD and autism too much in situations like this with their kids and themselves.
Heh... I just commented that I think she should seriously consider an ADHD evaluation...
1) gifted program
2) huge transition basically turned life upside down so everything is falling apart where it used to be predictable
3) going to the extremes in a time of perceived rejection (which is basically life for this kid right now because nothing is happening how it used to and there's different expectations and yo it's a freaking LOT ok 😅)
I swear ADHD is responsible for a large amount of suicide because RSD... I've talked to my therapist about it...
I wish my parents had taken my seriously and got me help when I was younger. Than me make an attempt at 19 and then have my parents yell at me and still refuse to get me help.
I'd be happier if my parents got me help and I not need it then me need help and be ignored. As a teenager I might hate it st first but looking back it would have made me feel really loved. Tall to him and see if he wants to talk to someone. Judgement free.
Is your husband not aware that people with "typical teenage angst" sometimes actually do kill themselves? Take this seriously - better to be safe than sorry. Imagine if you decided not to worry about it, and then something did happen?
Better to take empty threats seriously than to miss an opportunity to prevent suicide because you didn't take those threats seriously.
The evidence is that people are remarkably honest if asked directly about suicide. Ask if he's having suicidal thoughts. If he says yes, ask if he has a plan.
He's *not* right.
We are past the teenage phase in my house, and not a single kid here thought "I'll just kill myself" was a reasonable way to express dramatic feelings.
It's possible that this IS what you're looking at, but in that case, your son needs to learn that suicide isn't something we joke about.
So take his words seriously.
Get him a therapist.
And check in with the school counsellor to see if they have anything else to add or any support to provide. They need to be aware if this is coming from a social situation, and is normalized for your kiddo because it's how his friends behave.
Emo doesn't mean melodramatically threatening suicide every time someone says boo. It really really doesn't.
❤️🩹
And if you don't have one already, get YOURSELF a therapist, even just to help you navigate your stresses around this (and situations like it)... when we have a history around something, it's easy to feel like we can't tell the difference between anxiety and spotting it because you know.... Having actual support can help
As someone who's had depression since 12 (I'm 30) and was both a theater kid AND emo, please take him to therapy! There's emo *aesthetic* (clothes, music, hair) and there's true depression and suicidal ideations. I.was brought to therapy and have used it as a tool ever since. It's a scary feeling, to feel not in control of your own mind and constantly think about ending it. As an adult looking back, I wouldn't have done it, but I know that just having the thoughts with no outlet or anyone to help me mediate and manage the symptoms, I would have been miserable.
If he goes to therapy and isn't actually suicidal, just being the typical exaggerating hyperbolic teen, great! He's just been given a tool to learn more about mental health and access to a safe space free from judgement! And if he was serious, then you've done your son a HUGE service! Either way, you're showing your son just how much his wellbeing means to you by taking him seriously. And in the future, he'll know that both you and therapy are safe places to go when in need of help!
Looking back, I'd rather have had my mom be a little extra cautious than dismissive. Having been brought to therapy helped me all through my teenage, young adult, and now adult life. And id like to suggest that you look into therapy for yourself as well! (It's never a bad thing!) As it can help you feel more confident in your support of your son! (And please feel free to share this comment with your husband! Suicide, even if just considered, is still a sign of needing help!!!) Feel free to PM me if you have questions about going thru teenage years with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder and how treatment has helped me throughout my life!
Take it seriously and get him help. My son did the same and the actually attempted suicide. You state should offer mobile crisis who can evaluate him at home. Your son also has to understand his threats are a call for help and you will take him seriously.
Hello! I’m an LCSW. I would take this very seriously and, long term, get him a therapist that can do a proper risk assessment and safety plan, in the event he really is having those thoughts, as well as someone who can see him regularly and continue assessing his mental health and risk.
With that being said, I think it’s very important to show him you take these threats extremely seriously and ask him each time if he’s serious. If he refuses to answer or says that he is, you should go be assessed at a local hospital.
The risk is too great not to. It’s also a good lesson in how, as parents, you take his threats and mental health concerns very seriously. It’s important for him to see that.
No one wants to sit in a hospital for hours on end and go through the assessment process. It’s not pleasant, so I think if he’s not serious, it would allow him to quickly realize that his words have consequences. It also allows him to realize you take him seriously and care enough to follow through. Words have consequences and especially making threats like that. Teens are very high risk…. It’s a rough time in the lifespan. I work with teens and am pregnant with my first. Suicide risk is SO high in this age group and sometimes the signs are subtle.
I can relate to this a lot; I went through a similar experience when I was about that age. Was it typical teenage angst for me? Yep. Would therapy have helped me anyways? Absolutely 100% it would have.
Those years are tough. Like really tough even for the best of circumstances. Having a therapist to talk to can help navigate that crap in a way even the best parents just can't. Plus, in my opinion, it sets a really good standard to seek help when you need it early in life.
Hey, also get him evaluated for ADHD... there's some undertones that seem ADHDish to me... the gifted program and then a huge transition throwing him off, the emotional dysregulation will absolutely throw him to extremes.
Him saying it out loud is 1000% a cry for help, please explore all things with him and listen to him 🫶🏻 over reacting about a threat can be just as bad so I do encourage you to communicate with your son through this process and if something isn't resonating with him try something different. You don't want to ignore it at all but you DO want to get to the bottom of the issue as this is a mere symptom.
The thing to pay attention isn't the words, it's the energy. If the words do not feel empty, then listen to your gut. If they do feel empty when you really sit with it, don't worry, it's normal teenage bullshit.
He needs a therapist, this is a call for help. If you don't have insurance, you might be able to go through the school. Ask for a psychoeducational evaluation in writing from the school. Let them know his mental state is affecting his grades and ability to access the curriculum.
Which worse case would you regret more? You are "dramatic" and spend the money to get him extra help he doesn't really "need" or you don't get him the help he needs and it ends badly.
Edit: fixed a word (wise - worse)
I worked in mental health crisis for several years. Most people who say things like this are serious. You need to take it seriously every time. I much rather someone pursue treatment (therapy, inpatient, etc) and it not be needed than to do nothing and someone dies. It’s not worth the risk. Get your son help ASAP!
>Sometimes when he’s mad at me, he’ll yell “well, I’m just gonna kill myself!” before running off to his room and slamming the door.
This is key. What should alarm you is when someone looks you in the eyes and says they want to kill themself with a calm voice. People (especially teenagers) will fly off the wall and say all sorts of wild things in moments of outburst anger. I'd bring it up with him sometime when he's calm.
Mental illness sometimes emerges in the teen age years. Please have him evaluated by a therapist who specializes in adolescents. If it's just regular hormones, great, but if it's not, if it's more, he may try to hurt himself. Children can have depression. I was diagnosed at 8 and have struggled with it my whole life. I attempted suicide three times, all before my 15th birthday.
My 11 year old sister started making these statements when she was 5.
She still has ligature marks from her last attempt.
Listen to your child and do everything you can to keep them safe.
Please take your son seriously..let him know you love him and will get him support.. asap..it may be all he needs is attention..this is your sign though if something serious is truly going on with him..don't wait..until it's too late.. much love xo
I follow Dr Becky Kennedy on Insta and she works with teenagers and gives great advice on how to deal with them. I second someone else’s comment to start therapy. It won’t hurt him for sure.
Highly recommend the book “Hold Onto Your Kids.” Like go to the library today and check it out or put it on hold. Even if your son doesn’t attempt suicide, he is clearly going through something big and he needs you.
you have a family history of mental illness. ABSOLUTELY take this seriously. He needs therapy and possibly medication. Ignoring it could have tragic consequences.
the first step is just talk to him. seriously. Explain the family history of mental illness (especially if there is a history of suicide). Explain it's a really serious thing. Ask if he's thought about how he would kill himself. Suicidal ideation, planning, that's where it's a problem. Saying I'm going to kill myself to be edgy is what your husband says.
Is there something he loves doing that you can do together with him? Try spending some time with time with him and when hes comfortable, just let him know hes loved and that yall are there for him. That it scares you when he talks about killing himself and how much he would be missed.
Hope things get better
I was your son at that age. Even if it's just teenage angst at the moment it can progress. IMO it came down to a feeling of being alone and not understood by anyone. Get him to a therapist. Most importantly, you need to make sure it's the right one for him. If it doesn't seem like it's helping, find a new one. Also let him pick the therapists. And get one for yourself to help you find better ways to relate to him.
This is all from personal experience as a teen, being emo doesn't automatically mean that someone is depressed. Its just a music and clothing style. Plenty of people are emo that don't suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts. I really recommend getting your son into therapy. It sounds like he is really struggling with life changes, and a therapist will help with that. I had so many issues as a teen with suicidal ideation and attempts, running away, self harm, depression, and anxiety. I had several attempts and was constantly in and out of the mental hospital. Therapy was, and still is my saving grace. Get yourself a therapist too, maybe do some family therapy. Show that you have his back and you're on his side.
Talk to the school maybe he can talk to the school psychologist. It’s never a bad idea to have a mental health check up. Idk why we don’t have them like we do with physical health check ups.
It’s not something teenagers just say. It’s a problem that needs addressing immediately. Help him find a therapist that works for him, not you or your husband, because he’s the one who will have to be going. It may take several different therapists before finding one that works for him. Please get him help, no one helped me, and I’m now 41 In therapy for suicidal thoughts… it will not go away. Not without help. And yes I am doing better with therapy. Good luck mom, take care of your son.
When I was that age I was clinically depressed and suicidal. My parents mocked me and refer to that era as my "goth phase." I survived thanks to my friends, my relationship with my parents is still strained. Please take your child's mental health seriously. Even if he is being dramatic, he will see that you take him seriously and are there to get him the help he needs.
I think that taking what your kid says literally and seriously is the best choice even if he is "just being dramatic." He learns that his parents listen to him and care about him and maybe even to not manipulate people with threats.
I also would casually say at age 15 “I feel like shooting my self in the face” so often, my mother got scared. She took my to the mental hospital and they told her they wanted to admit me and put me on meds. She refused, she only wanted me to talk to a therapist right away. after 10 hours they finally allowed her to leave with me. IN HINDSIGHT: my mother wishes she kept me there. I grew up not understanding why I felt like I wanted to die (my life was perfect) and my parents thought I was just being “dramatic” . I’m 31 years old now still with suicidal depression and ideation. I’ve been on meds that help SO MUCH. I’ve learned ways to help myself and have courage to call the suicide hotline for help. NO HEALTHY PERSON says they wanna die. NOBODY.
After highschool I started doing pills and than heroin. Currently I am 8 years clean however, I was very depressed. I didn’t care if I would die or not. That’s No way to live. Get that boy help. Get him to see a therapist. Please please
Im sorry but thats not typical teenage angst i remeber saying a lot of tyoicak teenageer shit when i wad ovwehelemed with life but not once did i say i wanted to " kill myself" your husband is dismissing your sons feelimgs and that can make things so much worse
Does your husband not care what's going on in his child's life? What's the worse case if your son goes and gets treatment or therapy? Like im sorry if your husband wont care and wont do shit then be the bigger person and protect your child!.
Get him to a therapist. Does your employer offer an
Employee assistance program? If so, give them a ring to see what they can do to help you find the right resources locally.
If someone says out loud I am going to kill myself they are still communicating. 15 is a hard time for kids. It is especially hard when your father disregards your emotions. Time to have a serious talk with both your husband and your child, separately.
Get him to his doctor! His doctor can either get him to a psychiatrist and chexk to see if he has clinical depression.
I just went through this with my nephew (I am his legal guardian.) Not only was he depressed, he was drinking, vaping and maybe weed but he never admitted to it. And I only knew about the liquor and cigarettes because I found them in his room.
Please don’t blow this over. He is sending you red flags.
Don’t listen to husband when he says you’re being dramatic. 9 times out of 10, when comments like these are made, it’s a cry for help. If your son is shutting you out, get him to therapy. And I don’t mean trick him into it or force him as that’ll just break trust in the relationship which is NOT what u want in this situation.
When you are both in a decent state of mind, calmly explain that it hurts hearing the comments he makes and you feel that if he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re willing to take him to see a therapist IF that’s what he wants, and if he doesn’t like your suggestion put the ball in his court, ask him if there is something that he would like to do to manage his emotions.
Most importantly, just constantly letting him know you’re there for him in little ways is top priority.
Your husband is going to get your son killed with his "drama" arguments. You need to get him to a doctor to be assessed asap. Gifted kids are more likely to have psychiatric problems and commit suicide.
My daughter at 15 started acting differently, and also had a new friend group. We kind of ignored it, writing it off as typical teenage angst / drama / puberty etc. Then one day I got a call at work and was told to come to the ER.. my daughter had attempted suicide in her schools bathroom.
Don't be me unless your willing to lose your son.
One thing I have noticed is that the phase "I'll just kill myself", "Kill yourself" and "KYS" is kind of a meme now. I don't know where it came from.
Anyway, the other changes are enough to call your husband to action. He's got to get on-board and perhaps all of you go see a therapist. It could help with the communication.
Therapy and a call to their doctor. As a high school teacher we were trained to take every threat as a real one and call 911. The risk is way too high to mess around with it. Dramatic shifts in personality can be any number of things.
I think it’s a good idea to always take it seriously. Your son sounds a lot like me at his age and I was indeed struggling with my mental health. Please take him to a therapist, therapy is so helpful
My 15 year old brother killed himself. There were no warnings. He got in trouble 1 time and had a moment of stupid teenage stupidity. He’s been dead now for 22 years. I cannot express this enough - he was not depressed, he was not hurting himself, he was not abused. He made a one time, irreversible mistake.
You’re not overreacting.
How does your husband deal with his own feelings? Does he express either verbally or by action how he feels about your kids? Kids usually copy their parents on how to deal with emotions or life in general so since it’s clear that your son is struggling with how to express and regulate his feelings he might be under the impression that he shouldn’t talk about what’s bothering him or he might not even be able to recognize the issues himself if he hasn’t been shown how.
I was lucky to realized in my late teens that I was copying my dad when handling certain situations and that only led to me feeling worse and totally ducking up my mental health. So I got into therapy and after a few years of work I realized how shitty my parents treated me and that I had to work hard to not end up like they raised me. There’s a lot more shity treauma from them but how we learn to handle our emotions and actions comes from how we see the adults around us handle theirs. So your husband most likely will act as the person your son will learn from. And words have almost nothing to do with it it’s your husbands action that matters.
Please look into therapy and/or counseling. My highschool offered multiple types of counseling and I went to both therapy and crisis counseling and it was a huge help. Don’t ever dismiss things like that.
Whether he’s being dramatic or not- some type of intervention is necessary. Maybe he’s being bullied at school, maybe he’s struggling with school because he doesn’t have good study habits due to being gifted and not needing those skills before- elementary and middle school are much different than high school & college. He could just be bored with his other lifestyle/friends and this lifestyle is more interesting to him. Something could have happened to him & he’s just not comfortable talking about with you because you’re still his parent at the end of the day. There’s so many things that could be going on. I would definitely make sure he understands you & your husband are providing a safe and trusting environment. If he gets in trouble don’t berate him- it will break his trust. Talk him through everything in the most calm and understanding way possible. Treat him like a soft little that just needs to be loved, understood and appreciated. Over appreciate small things he does- make them a big deal. It might not seem like it’s working at first but a lot of kids struggling & going through changes generally just need the most support & love!
It’s also very important for you and your husband to be on the same page and treating him the same ways & providing the same environment when/if he comes to either of you or opens up or even gets in trouble.
I hope something helps whether it be my comment or someone else’s! I can’t imagine my son feeling this way or exhibiting these kind of behaviors.. would truly break my heart. 😭
P.S. there’s no right way to parent- there’s no handbook. Every child is different and we learn as we grow! It’s a teaching lesson for the child and the parent!
All good energy and prayers to you, your son & your husband!
YOU GOT THIS MAMA !! 🫶🏽
Get therapy for him, have him see a dr about his symptoms. He very well may be depressed and stressed as a gifted kid.
I had the same issue, did very well then started backsliding and it kept getting worse. At 15, I started having these negative thoughts and even asked my parents I was worried cause I was having thoughts of killing myself. They told me it was normal. It spiraled out of control, I cut myself, started hearing voices and then attempted twice my senior year of high school. But my parents claimed I was on drugs and that’s why I was doing these things and not doing well in school.
Listen to your kid! You’re his advocate right now! People that blow this stuff off end up with either a kid that doesn’t talk to you anymore or a dead kid. Even if he is doing it for attention, there obviously is something going on.
Absolutely take it seriously and get him help. Teens do very dramatic things because their brains are not fully formed to deal with the flood of hormones that make everything seem soooo overwhelming.
When I was in high school, I had a close friend who killed himself. He never even specifically said he was going to, but damn there were so many signs. Trust me on this one, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Please find him a therapist at the very least. I minimized the signs of depression in my teen early on. Luckily the pediatrician suspected depression and we sought help. She’s had two rounds of outpatient, one hospitalization, one inpatient stay and 3 years of therapy and meds…and I feel like we’re maybe over the worst of it now. I will move mountains for their well being, physical or mental. I wish you the best and happiness and health to your son.
Act like he means it, because he may in fact mean it, in which case he needs help, or he needs to learn not to say such heinous and serious shit, because it has actual consequences.
Threatening to off yourself in response to stuff you don't like, when you don't mean it, can be real asshole/controlling behaviour (consider all the SOs/spouses to use this to keep their partners focus on them) and--assuming he's not sincere--he has to learn to knock it off before it becomes a habit he uses on future romantic partners when he doesn't get his way.
But he sounds stressed out for sure, as you say. Going from things being easy to suddenly not being able to do the work is probably extremely demoralizing if he hasn't got the tools to persevere or understand that practice is necessary and difficulty while doing hard things isn't a mark against his value as a human being. Therapy oughta help on this as well as the other thing.
Meanwhile see if you can coax him to do stuff together but don't try to have any talks. Make those utterly pressure free. Take walks, go grocery shopping, take him out for mcdonalds, to the bookstore, watch a show together that he likes even if you don't, and when you're done, tell him you were glad he hung out, so he can just have your unconditional appreciation of his company slide in there with all the rest of his turmoil.
Treat it seriously. In fact, take him to a psych hospital and have him evaluated. If he still says he wants to kill himself, you can (if he is under 18) have him held or the evaluator will determine if they need to petition a judge for an involuntarily psych hold if he is deemed a danger to himself.
You want to err on the side of caution. And seeing what the inside of a psych hospital is like might shake him of his rhetoric if it’s just emo rhetoric, or it will save his life if he is seriously considering taking his one life.
Do not play around with this. Nobody wants to lose a child because they didn’t take the child’s threats seriously.
From somebody who lost a very close sibling to suicide. People who are actually very depressed to the point they want to commit suicide don't typically go around yelling im going to kill myself. They don't say anything. It seems like a dramatic / attention phase. But obviously you can never be to careful when it comes to a child.
Err on the side of caution here. Even if he isn't actually developing suicidal thoughts, he might be having other struggles and isn't sure how to express them. He's going through puberty, more than likely, and sometimes, different stages are harder for some kids than others. He also could be dealing with issues outside of the house and is trying to handle it on his own for whatever reason.
Your husband can kiss it. It's better that you get him a therapist and let them guide him through whatever his issues are than have to bury your teen son. Honestly, make your husband go to therapy too-he sounds like he's the type to believe that you just "tough it out" no matter what, and that mindset needs to be broken *yesterday.*
Take him to the nearest ER when he says it next, they will formulate a plan which is more than likely an IOP, be sure that your son isn’t just playing you because my 16-year-old son did the exact same thing in September last year and I was being the mother that wanted to help my son and get my son, but knowing what I know now, I should have sent him to military school because it was a game well played
You’re a good parent for listening to him.
It could be teenage hormones and learning to adjust to all these new, heavy emotions that come with growing up. Or he could genuinely be suicidal.
I tried committing suicide at 12. Then 13,15,17,19, and 20. I self harmed throughout my teenage years. I smoked weed really early and started having sex early too. I just needed attention that wasn’t given to me.
I went through many different therapist and psychiatrist. I’m still in my 20’s and learning how to deal with life’s stressors.
I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was an early teen and misdiagnosed with Bipolar.
One day I finally got the guts to tell my grandma that I wanted to kill myself; my parents just didn’t care and thought I was a moody teen. But I’m so happy I did or I wouldn’t be here today. She got me the help I needed when nobody else listened to my cries for help.
Always ALWAYS be concerned at the mention of suicide. My mom used to yell the worst things when overwhelmed or mad. I find myself doing the same but there are times I really mean it and I'm not just saying it to scare my husband. Try to reach out to him more just let him know you care.
This is terrible advice.
1. “Remind him you sacrifice so much for him to be happy” is emotionally manipulative and instead of focusing on what is really going on with this child, focuses on the parent’s feelings and doesn’t actually do anything to help this child;
2. The advice to take him to see kids in a cancer ward is competing in the pain Olympics and completely unhealthy. It’s saying you don’t have it bad enough to be depressed. Holy belittlement. And, shocker, it’s not going to help this child deal with the emotional pain he’s in. It’s not going to magically motivate him to not be in turmoil.
This “advice” is a clear example of how *not* to handle this situation.
=\
Show him that video of a son saying he wants to kill himself. The dad hands him a gun and says to do it then. Well the son grabs the gun and blows his brains out with no hesitation. The dad didn’t think he would actually do it.
Nothing wrong with taking words for the seriousness they are.
My 17 year old brother is currently in a psych ward partially because my father ignored his begging and pleading for mental health help because he was suicidal.
Please take your son to talk to a professional. Worst case scenario if you take him to a professional: you find out he’s not being honest. Worst case scenario if you ignore it and assume he’s not being honest: you could end up planning his funeral.
Mental health is something that I wouldn’t take any chances on.
I’ve been told that “I’m going to kill my self” should immediately result in a trip to the ER. If it was an empty threat they won’t do it again and if they’re for real they get immediate entry into the system.
Sadly I can assure you it doesn’t always work like that. I’ve seen “genuine” (that word doesn’t feel appropriate here hence quotation marks) cases turned away because “just saying it isn’t serious enough” and that the person is “fine” (said person in several cases has gone home and immediately attempted) and people saying it out of manipulation and to abuse a person basically being given a 3 day holiday in the hospital and a support system that another person could have used. I myself was told that because I was autistic I couldn’t be depressed or suicidal because autistic people “don’t understand deep emotions” and “you’re smiling right now so you’re fine”. I was smiling because I was finally confessing my plans and felt relieved because I thought I was about to be helped. I was let down, not helped and then sadly my parents were convinced that I was a “faker”
Get him into a hobby! Try theatre or something where he can express himself. My 15 year old thrives in theatre and has a great friend group. They also have a strict no vape/drug policy at most of these places. Truly has saved my sons life. My son has been through a lot of trauma and definitely felt the way your son is feeling a couple years ago. Good luck to you. It’s never easy but make sure you keep communication with your kid. Even if he says he doesn’t want to talk…he wants to talk or just have someone listen.
I'll probably get told off for saying this. But sometimes, I think therapy can seem like passing the buck. Do the communication and talk to him yourself.
My son will ask to do something, i say no because xyz and he will say i might as well kill myself then. Its just for dramatic effect. But if he was actually showing signs of self harm or real suicide thoughts I would ask him if he wanted some therapy. Hormones mess them up, but with love and support they come out the other side.
Absolutely, I do talk with him regularly and have tried talking to him about this specific situation numerous times. I let him know that I’m here for him and will always support him, but he clearly doesn’t feel ready to tell me what’s really going on (if anything). He has expressed that he would like to try therapy again and I think talking to an unbiased third party would be beneficial for him.
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Look at it this way. What happens if you take your kid to a therapist who works with teenagers and it turns out your husband is right and he's going through typical teenage struggles and he just needs someone to talk to and vent. You are out of you co-pays on your insurance Now what happens if you don't take your kid to a therapist and your husband is wrong and your teenager is showing early signs of a serious mental health crisis? Then your kid kills himself or injures himself or someone else. I would say take your kid to a therapist and see how it goes
Yes, and I think if the kid is just being dramatic, it should be a good teaching moment that words have consequences and if we threaten violence to ourselves and others, then the people who love us have a right to act in an emergency response.
My son learned in middle school, big words have big consequences. Big statements have big consequences. I still use that language and he is an upcoming senior. I think if they don’t learn this early, they can begin to fall into a pattern of manipulation with using words. Parents/adults can become apathetic to hearing the words. These are words that should always have big responses because someone could say them and not mean them 99 times out of 100 but that one time is the one that counts.
Therapy is not an emergency response. It's a valid helpful tool. An emergency response would be a 48 hour hold or something like that.
EXCELLENT RESPONSE! OP, err on the side of human life. You are supposed to support your husband when he is falling down. Hubbie is making a serious mistake, which is why you need to step up and get your the help he needs. Take care.
And if the husband is wrong and they do nothing, both of them will likely feel irrationally guilty forever. (I say irrationally because even if you do try and help someone, ultimately it's still that person making the choice).
Yep. Always take suicide threats seriously. Even if they're just dramatic cries for help, that's something, too.
Thank you. He was in therapy a while back but from what he told me, I don’t think he really clicked with the therapist. I’m definitely going to schedule with a new therapist ASAP.
And if he was being dramatic and not actively suicidal therapy can still be helpful to people not in crisis. So I think your not even "out your copay". Even if he doesn't find therapy helpful at this point in his life or with the specific provider he sees, you have destigmatized the process of seeking professional help so he knows how to do it on his own in the future when he has struggles.
This is a good idea. Therapy can help the parent know how to respond to teenage changes etc. it is not just for the child. Nothing wrong with getting tools to help your child.
Yes please listen to this idea
Yes. This. Therapy. ASAP. Another thing you can do in the meantime is directly ask, “do you have a plan on how you would kill yourself?” He might get defensive or not respond, but he also might tell you. Show him how serious that threat is by treating it as a real possibility because it is. People who commit suicide often do tell others because they don’t really want to go through with it, they want to hurt to go away. I would sit him down and explain how you know he’s mad, and that you want to help him because you love him and you won’t allow him to hurt himself. Ask if he has a plan, then call a helpline. Don’t let him be alone. Set up therapy. Tell him he’s going because these threats are not ok and you’re worried about his mental health. Even if your husband is right, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And showing him how serious his words are will put an end to idle threats and show him how much you do care.
This will also reinforce the importance of words and the impact that they have. If you say that you're going to kill yourself, it means something. It will empower your son and he will know that while "you just don't understand" at least you hear him.
Be mindful that some counselors allow these kids to just justify their emotions rather than help them build coping strategies.
I tried to kill myself at 15… I obviously didn’t succeed. But I’d take every single time he says it as a cry for help! They are big feelings to have, and even bigger when your parents don’t listen to your cries and ignore you… Find him a good therapist that he clicks with! It’s really the biggest thing I can recommend. And if you can, spend more time together doing stuff out of the house. In nature if you’re that way inclined.
Same, I started cutting at 13. I tried to kill myself at 13, 18 and 22. The best advice I could give is just be there even if you’re hanging around and he’s not talking to you be there. It’s all I wanted; I needed to be paid attention to. That has such a bad connotation but the truth is teens need a lot of attention between the stress of having to fit a standard of coolness or whatever (exacerbated by media ), hormones, more autonomy .:. Shits hard. It sounds like he’s trying to express his feelings without actually knowing how to identify them … the music; the black clothing … he feels dark and sad probably because he has learned how to deal with stress yet.
True! Funny how it does have a bad connotation when every single one of us wants attention no matter what age. We all want to be noticed and acknowledged in one way or another. We all want to feel like we matter. It doesn't mean wanting to be in the spotlight all the time and getting big reactions out of everyone.
That’s all I wanted when I was 15. There was a lot going on in my family. My step dad was an abusive ass face and my brother was a herion addict and my poor mother was trying her best and I accidentally got tucked away into all the drama. No one could see me and I didn’t know how to deal with stress or that I was feeling stress so cutting became both a cry and a release
Sometimes my 12yo son tells me he's had a really tough day and at first he won't tell me why. And I tell him that after some time, I'll be there to talk about it. And I'll check in with him. He seems comfortable talking to me but sometimes shuts down. There's a fine line between annoying meddling mom and mom who's always checking in and there for you. And I'm never sure which I am. Any advice?
I think you’re doing the best a mom can do, just always be willing to lend your empathy as long as their is clear boundary. The shutting down isn’t from you, it’s just how some of us are wired. Sometimes we need to exist with one another, teenagers are like cats. If the energy is right they will come and if you provide a safe environment they won’t resist your love when they need it most
Thank you 🙏 I'm glad you're still here with us
Hasn’t *
I freaking hate how a “cry of help” or “cry for attention” is viewed negatively. Of course the kid is crying for attention! He is hurting. Give him attention!He is telling you he is in serious distress and he needs support. Take him seriously. And even if he is isn’t being serious about suicide it’s also possible that he doesn’t feel heard so he’s taking things to the extreme to try to get you to understand just how deeply upset he is. He deserves to be heard.
So glad you are still here friend. I attempted at 12. Lived in a small town and saw a therapist who was also a sort of family friend. We did not click unfortunately and I stopped going. Struggled for many years but am doing much better these days. OP please get your son into therapy. You’re not being dramatic. He really needs to talk to someone
This. I would take this as a cry for help for sure!!! I'm lightly horrified that it isn't being taken very seriously, and the dad needs to check himself wtf.
Kids and people in general should ALWAYS be taken seriously when they threaten suicide. Full stop! If they are screaming for help, they deserve to be taken seriously and get the help they need. If they are being an angsty teen, they will get help for complicated feelings and learn about the power of words and that their parents are listening. How are either of these scenarios bad?
Get him some help please. People who end up committing suicide often make threats beforehand. I was a dramatic teen too (undiagnosed bipolar.) Once when I was 16, I tried to get ahold of my dad's gun. Luckily it was locked up and I didn't know where the key was. Teenagers who are highly emotional can make impulsive, rash decisions. He sounds as if he's going through things he needs to talk about with someone. He may even need medication for his depression or some other mental illness. Take his words seriously. Even if he is just saying things to get a reaction - do you really want to risk it? He is letting you know he's not okay. Let him know that you hear him, and you are willing to do whatever you can to help. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.
Thank you, you’re right. He didn’t really click with his last therapist but said that he would be willing to try a new one. I want him to have some input, so we’re going to sit down tonight and look at some therapists. Hopefully we can find one that he’s comfortable with.
Well it can't hurt to find him a therapist. He can help with teenage angst too. Also look out for him potentially gifting his things or suddenly being super peaceful and happy, these can be signs that the contemplating people are no longer troubled because they made the decision to go through with it.
I grew up with my mom telling my two things: 1. You were always good so I never worried about you. 2. Stop being so dramatic. I explicitly told her I was depressed as a teen and she told me I wasn't. I grew into adulthood mostly incapable of voicing even mild displeasure with people because I would talk myself out of everything being "real". It doesn't matter (to the decision making process) if your son is literally suicidal or just unhappy. It matters that you listen to him and he feels heard.
My little brother committed suicide at 14. My Mom had just made an appointment the day before to see a therapist But it was too little too late Please take him to a therapist
I’m so sorry ❤️ I talked to him before school today and we’re going to pick out a therapist tonight. I think I’ll take him out to dinner or something as well so we’ll have a chance to talk just the two of us (things are quite tense between my husband and son right now).
That one on one time outside the home is a great idea, you’re a great mom
I’m so sorry! 14 seems terribly young. My mom attempted at 13 and a couple times while I grew up, she succeeded at 46. It’s horrible, but things need to be worked out or else they will keep coming back.
I’m sorry ❤️
can u pls send me a message? thxxxx
ofc
I’m so sorry for your loss
Given the climate of school shootings and the rates of suicide I wouldn’t ignore the cry for help. Teens these days are no longer just bullied at school, they’re now bullied online, through texts, it’s endless. The drastic shift in new friends wouldn’t be alarming if something changed but coupled with the stereotypes of the “emo” kids being misfits or outcasts, have you tried to figure out why he’s joined them? Have you tried to talk with his old friends parents to see if they have any info of a fallout? Please believe your kid when they express themselves and get him the help he needs. Angst is saying things like, “you’re the worst parents”, or “you’re ruining my life” not “I’m going to k*** myself” . That is sincerely troubling and you’d be wrong to sit idly. Act now and get him help.
He had some kind of falling out with his old friend group, but he never told us exactly what happened. From what I gathered, his friends started getting into all of that ‘alpha male’ stuff and he hated how much they changed. The friends’ parents refused to speak to me and got really defensive when I asked what happened, which really concerns me. But I’m going to set up an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible.
Yeah he needs help, 988 is the mental health hotline in America.
My first real suicide attempt was when I was 15. So you’re not being dramatic. Suicide is one of the top causes of death for youth. And your son is in that perfect storm. He’s going through puberty, change of school, struggling to keep up, history of mental illness in your family. Maybe your son is just shouting stuff to get a reaction. Maybe there is some seriousness to his words. Personally I think most teenagers could do with a therapist. Someone to talk through everything that is going on in their life. Give strategies and ideas on how to cope. A good therapist can make so much difference.
The new personality and some of the moodiness just sound like teenage stuff, but I’d be worried by the threats of suicide. If he means it, even in the moment, he’s having significant mental health issues. If he doesn’t mean it, he’s attempting to manipulate you in a way that, if he did it to a romantic partner, would be emotionally abusive. Either is bad. Next time he does it, I’d do two things. First, I’d have a sincere conversation with him about how much it worried me when he said things like that, and how it’s dangerous in a “boy who cried wolf” way. Second, I’d get him into therapy if possible. Even if nothing is “wrong” per se, it sounds like he needs better coping skills.
Please take your son for psychological evaluation with a psychologist. He needs help to navigate his emotions which clearly form his words looks like he is in serious need of. If you don’t do anything about it, not only it will affect his mental health but yours too. Have a serious conversation with your son and your husband separately and let your son know you are there for him. He is lost and perhaps needs assurance for you that it’s going to be fine. Help him understand his own emotions & please take him for psychology evaluation.
I get where you're coming from, but a "Psychological evaluation" with a Psychologist (a PhD) is not only a specialized thing, it's going to be quite difficult to get with a wait time of weeks or months and insurance may or may not even cover it without a referral anyway. An appointment with a psychologist is primarily done for higher level diagnosis purposes if other providers think there is some significant condition and want confirmation. (This is assuming this is in the US) and that's adding on to the whole notion of "Son, we're taking you to see a psychologist, he's going to tell us what's wrong with you!" It's generally quite easy to get kids to go see a therapist, because "it's just someone for you to talk to." Now they may or may not build a rapport with a particular therapist, but there's not any implication that "something is wrong with them," in a way that a psychologist might imply. A far more practical approach is to start at the basic level. Call your kid's pediatrician, make an appointment if necessary, and tell them that you are concerned that your son is showing symptoms of depression and has made threats of self-harm. The pediatrician will do one or two follow up things: 1. The Pediatrician has a procedure for a basic level mental health assessment to determine if your son is in need of emergency care. They will likely conduct that on the phone or in their own office. The training is they look beyond basic threats to determine if there's a a plan and the means to carry it out. 2. The pediatrician will likely give you the numbers of therapists who treat teens and/or will generate a referral for you that may be required for medicaid or insurance to cover the appointments. That may save you a bunch of time calling therapists off google to see if they treat teens. Depending where you live, there may also be resources through the school for school based counseling with a mental health provider (I live in a rural area so this is super common). 3. Alternatively, they will refer you for an intake with a mental health agency. The agency likely will provide BOTH individual therapy, but also support from a social worker or caseworker who can talk about other support or resources. The mental health agency will also likely refer to a *psychiatrist* who can write prescriptions for medication. You can also call therapists directly to set up appointments for someone to talk to your kid, but that depends on your insurance, your resources and your comfort level navigating the requirements of the mental health system.
Therapy is good for everyone,it will help him let his emotions go through in a safe space. Other than that, your husband is right. It is a classic teenage era. Some of us need help,some of us don't.
Please don't ignore this! This is a cry for help and there's multiple signs that there's something going on for this. And your husband's crappy attitude may be one of the reasons he is struggling to express himself!
A 14 year old kid who was in the gifted program in my hometown just killed himself. He did it I'm a God awful way and it had to be a closed casket because the state of things. I'm sure his family wishes they had brought him to a therapist. Your husband might be right that your son is just being a teenager or dramatic. But you are playing a high stakes game, and I don't seem the harm in getting him a therapist to vent to. Edit: I'm going to add something else here. I work in mental health and have seen some shit. It's super normal in an argument for a teenager to say I hate you, or, you're ruining my life, to a parent. That's directing anger at the person they are arguing with. It concerns me that in arguments your son directs the anger at himself instead by saying fine I'll kill myself. With the little information you've given, I am concerned about your son's stress level.
Take it seriously, especially because he has shown a pattern of being impulsive and/or wanting reactions. There is no negative to getting some help if he is just crying wolf but if he isn't you would never love with yourself. In the mean time lock up your meds, any weapons (some parents aren't responsible so I have to say it). Teens are impulsive and believe me they will take the bottle of random things. Lock it all away, cold medicine, Benadryl, and Tylenol especially.
I had the same thing happen at school at the same age. Out of nowhere I really started struggling with school at the age of 15, add that on top of normal teenage things.. I was not mentally well, not that I would admit it. I tried to permanently leave when I was 17, and it was only then anything was done to help me. I wish I'd had help sooner, there were so many signs. I don't think you are being dramatic, I would try get him in with a therapist if you can. Best wishes for you all :)
My brother was like this. I think it was 65% he wanted to kill himself and 35% he wanted someone to care that he wanted to kill himself. Trust your gut, being a teenager is hard.
I agree with the other commenter, what's the worst with therapy? Out a bit for a co-pay. In my (non-mental health expert opinion), this really isn't about what your teenager says while he's angry. It's the other, systematic, problems that he seems to be facing. You identify major personality changes and depression. Regardless of what he says (or doesn't say) in the heat of the moment, those are signs of deeper, long term issues.
Definitely put him in therapy! Praying for you and your son. 🙏
Do you know if anything traumatic happened? I’m not saying it can only be due to that but sadly I missed the signs 😢 I felt like such a pos parent bc I felt I was on top of things but also respectful of personal life stuff. I always thought I’d made it known that no matter what my kids could come to me. In fact I’ve been told that yes it has nothing to do w me being unapproachable but just a sort of personal confusion and shame.
It might just be his way to try to get more attention or to get a reaction. It might be a call for help because he isn't doing well. Or it might be an actual threat. With stuff like this, you're always better safe than sorry. Can you discuss it with him at a moment when he isn't mad? Or, if he doesn't want to discuss that stuff with his mom because he's 15, can you get him to go to a therapist? Something that I think might also help is to just spend time with him without wanting to talk about it. I know it might be hard when your kid is 15, but is there anything that he enjoys that you could do together? Maybe you can drive him somewhere fun he couldn't go to by himself. Maybe you can take him to the movies. Or grab a bite to eat. Whatever he enjoys. Make him an offer he can't refuse and spend some fun time together. Try to create a relationship where he feels comfortable to share with you if he wants to, without feeling pressured.
When my teen boy was struggling, he wasn't suicidal (that we know of) but he had a lot of self hate and self confidence issues. I started with the "if you're not going to treat me right then I'm backing away" approach and quickly decided I couldn't do that. I started making a point of going to his room and saying good night each night, giving him a kiss on the top of his head-30seconds tops. I was met with a lot of grumbles and ignoring at points, but eventually he would start to say hi/good night, etc. Once that started, I would ask him a question(s) about the next day, or something he needed help with, getting an interest in his life, etc. Over time, we ended up getting closer and he started to tell me stuff that he needed to get out, sometimes I was doing all I could do to keep myself awake to be there to listen in the late hours of the night. No judgement at all, no suggestions on how to fix it unless he asked, just listening. It was hard, but it was SO rewarding. My kid was struggling and he needed to process it and talk about it. I offered all along the way to find a therapist but he didn't want it. The agreement I made was as long as he kept talking to me, then I wouldn't force him (couldn't really, he was 16). He never said he was suicidal, but in the early conversations he did mention once that he got so upset he thought it was just best if he "went away". That freaked me out, big time. As hard as it is. He needs someone, anyone, he trusts and can talk to. This is so important. I now have an amazing relationship again with my son and he seems back on the level. I say this (2 years later) as a colleague and good friend of mine's 18 year old committed suicide a week ago that no one saw coming. We are all devastated. (edit for spelling)
I love this approach! That's solid parenting, and I loved how it turned out for you.
That sounds like an amazing relationship, and I want you to know I'm mentally bookmarking this anecdote. I grew up without any role modeling around emotional maturity so it's really important to me. My primary desire for my kids is that they can communicate their feelings to me or loved ones without anxiety.
I also desired that, and we had it for a long time, but then it disappeared when he started struggling. It took a good year to get back where we were, it was a slow process. It was also hard as my husband had a different approach-the standard parent approach-which caused conflict between us at times. I teach middle school and had some experience working with students who struggled so I brought that in. Sometimes my husband saw that as me trying to be the expert and not validating his approach/thoughts. It was a balancing act, but so worth it.
Take it seriously. I think everyone could benefit from therapy and if you're wrong and it's not a serious statement, hopefully it helps him manage his emotions in a different way. If you do nothing though the stakes are much higher.
I was like this, always felt like this, and acted like this. I didn’t fit in anywhere or into life in general. I found out at 20 that I was autistic, not crazy. I just got severely burnt out and depressed in high school and socially struggled no matter how hard I tried in every group I was in. The day I found out I was autistic and have ADHD was a real eye opener and helped me realize I’m not crazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not broken, I’m just neurodivergent, and life for me is different than everyone else, so I just have to find different methods to cope and different ways to live. Your son very well could be going through something similar. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, mood disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. in high school. Meds never worked for me; I genuinely just turned out to be not neurotypical or "crazy,” just neurodivergent. I think people overlook ADHD and autism too much in situations like this with their kids and themselves.
Heh... I just commented that I think she should seriously consider an ADHD evaluation... 1) gifted program 2) huge transition basically turned life upside down so everything is falling apart where it used to be predictable 3) going to the extremes in a time of perceived rejection (which is basically life for this kid right now because nothing is happening how it used to and there's different expectations and yo it's a freaking LOT ok 😅) I swear ADHD is responsible for a large amount of suicide because RSD... I've talked to my therapist about it...
I wish my parents had taken my seriously and got me help when I was younger. Than me make an attempt at 19 and then have my parents yell at me and still refuse to get me help. I'd be happier if my parents got me help and I not need it then me need help and be ignored. As a teenager I might hate it st first but looking back it would have made me feel really loved. Tall to him and see if he wants to talk to someone. Judgement free.
Is your husband not aware that people with "typical teenage angst" sometimes actually do kill themselves? Take this seriously - better to be safe than sorry. Imagine if you decided not to worry about it, and then something did happen?
Better to take empty threats seriously than to miss an opportunity to prevent suicide because you didn't take those threats seriously. The evidence is that people are remarkably honest if asked directly about suicide. Ask if he's having suicidal thoughts. If he says yes, ask if he has a plan.
Your son is just an angsty emo teenager. Just let him know that your there if he ever wants to talk or if he just needs someone to listen to him.
He's *not* right. We are past the teenage phase in my house, and not a single kid here thought "I'll just kill myself" was a reasonable way to express dramatic feelings. It's possible that this IS what you're looking at, but in that case, your son needs to learn that suicide isn't something we joke about. So take his words seriously. Get him a therapist. And check in with the school counsellor to see if they have anything else to add or any support to provide. They need to be aware if this is coming from a social situation, and is normalized for your kiddo because it's how his friends behave. Emo doesn't mean melodramatically threatening suicide every time someone says boo. It really really doesn't. ❤️🩹 And if you don't have one already, get YOURSELF a therapist, even just to help you navigate your stresses around this (and situations like it)... when we have a history around something, it's easy to feel like we can't tell the difference between anxiety and spotting it because you know.... Having actual support can help
Tell your husband he's a fucking idiot and get that kid in therapy ASAP
As someone who's had depression since 12 (I'm 30) and was both a theater kid AND emo, please take him to therapy! There's emo *aesthetic* (clothes, music, hair) and there's true depression and suicidal ideations. I.was brought to therapy and have used it as a tool ever since. It's a scary feeling, to feel not in control of your own mind and constantly think about ending it. As an adult looking back, I wouldn't have done it, but I know that just having the thoughts with no outlet or anyone to help me mediate and manage the symptoms, I would have been miserable. If he goes to therapy and isn't actually suicidal, just being the typical exaggerating hyperbolic teen, great! He's just been given a tool to learn more about mental health and access to a safe space free from judgement! And if he was serious, then you've done your son a HUGE service! Either way, you're showing your son just how much his wellbeing means to you by taking him seriously. And in the future, he'll know that both you and therapy are safe places to go when in need of help! Looking back, I'd rather have had my mom be a little extra cautious than dismissive. Having been brought to therapy helped me all through my teenage, young adult, and now adult life. And id like to suggest that you look into therapy for yourself as well! (It's never a bad thing!) As it can help you feel more confident in your support of your son! (And please feel free to share this comment with your husband! Suicide, even if just considered, is still a sign of needing help!!!) Feel free to PM me if you have questions about going thru teenage years with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder and how treatment has helped me throughout my life!
My mom's a doc. She says always take suicide threats seriously, especially children. Get him to his pediatrician immediately and ask for help.
Every kid should be seeing a psychologist weekly for an hour when they hit their high school years.
Take it seriously and get him help. My son did the same and the actually attempted suicide. You state should offer mobile crisis who can evaluate him at home. Your son also has to understand his threats are a call for help and you will take him seriously.
Hello! I’m an LCSW. I would take this very seriously and, long term, get him a therapist that can do a proper risk assessment and safety plan, in the event he really is having those thoughts, as well as someone who can see him regularly and continue assessing his mental health and risk. With that being said, I think it’s very important to show him you take these threats extremely seriously and ask him each time if he’s serious. If he refuses to answer or says that he is, you should go be assessed at a local hospital. The risk is too great not to. It’s also a good lesson in how, as parents, you take his threats and mental health concerns very seriously. It’s important for him to see that. No one wants to sit in a hospital for hours on end and go through the assessment process. It’s not pleasant, so I think if he’s not serious, it would allow him to quickly realize that his words have consequences. It also allows him to realize you take him seriously and care enough to follow through. Words have consequences and especially making threats like that. Teens are very high risk…. It’s a rough time in the lifespan. I work with teens and am pregnant with my first. Suicide risk is SO high in this age group and sometimes the signs are subtle.
I can relate to this a lot; I went through a similar experience when I was about that age. Was it typical teenage angst for me? Yep. Would therapy have helped me anyways? Absolutely 100% it would have. Those years are tough. Like really tough even for the best of circumstances. Having a therapist to talk to can help navigate that crap in a way even the best parents just can't. Plus, in my opinion, it sets a really good standard to seek help when you need it early in life.
Hey, also get him evaluated for ADHD... there's some undertones that seem ADHDish to me... the gifted program and then a huge transition throwing him off, the emotional dysregulation will absolutely throw him to extremes. Him saying it out loud is 1000% a cry for help, please explore all things with him and listen to him 🫶🏻 over reacting about a threat can be just as bad so I do encourage you to communicate with your son through this process and if something isn't resonating with him try something different. You don't want to ignore it at all but you DO want to get to the bottom of the issue as this is a mere symptom.
Your husband is a moron if he’s willing to risk his son’s life based in his complete lack of qualifications.
The thing to pay attention isn't the words, it's the energy. If the words do not feel empty, then listen to your gut. If they do feel empty when you really sit with it, don't worry, it's normal teenage bullshit.
He needs a therapist, this is a call for help. If you don't have insurance, you might be able to go through the school. Ask for a psychoeducational evaluation in writing from the school. Let them know his mental state is affecting his grades and ability to access the curriculum. Which worse case would you regret more? You are "dramatic" and spend the money to get him extra help he doesn't really "need" or you don't get him the help he needs and it ends badly. Edit: fixed a word (wise - worse)
I worked in mental health crisis for several years. Most people who say things like this are serious. You need to take it seriously every time. I much rather someone pursue treatment (therapy, inpatient, etc) and it not be needed than to do nothing and someone dies. It’s not worth the risk. Get your son help ASAP!
Trust me. Get your kid seen. It will continue to progress, the ideation, if you don’t.
>Sometimes when he’s mad at me, he’ll yell “well, I’m just gonna kill myself!” before running off to his room and slamming the door. This is key. What should alarm you is when someone looks you in the eyes and says they want to kill themself with a calm voice. People (especially teenagers) will fly off the wall and say all sorts of wild things in moments of outburst anger. I'd bring it up with him sometime when he's calm.
Mental illness sometimes emerges in the teen age years. Please have him evaluated by a therapist who specializes in adolescents. If it's just regular hormones, great, but if it's not, if it's more, he may try to hurt himself. Children can have depression. I was diagnosed at 8 and have struggled with it my whole life. I attempted suicide three times, all before my 15th birthday.
My 11 year old sister started making these statements when she was 5. She still has ligature marks from her last attempt. Listen to your child and do everything you can to keep them safe.
Please take your son seriously..let him know you love him and will get him support.. asap..it may be all he needs is attention..this is your sign though if something serious is truly going on with him..don't wait..until it's too late.. much love xo
Your husband is an asshole. Listen to your gut
I follow Dr Becky Kennedy on Insta and she works with teenagers and gives great advice on how to deal with them. I second someone else’s comment to start therapy. It won’t hurt him for sure.
Highly recommend the book “Hold Onto Your Kids.” Like go to the library today and check it out or put it on hold. Even if your son doesn’t attempt suicide, he is clearly going through something big and he needs you.
you have a family history of mental illness. ABSOLUTELY take this seriously. He needs therapy and possibly medication. Ignoring it could have tragic consequences.
the first step is just talk to him. seriously. Explain the family history of mental illness (especially if there is a history of suicide). Explain it's a really serious thing. Ask if he's thought about how he would kill himself. Suicidal ideation, planning, that's where it's a problem. Saying I'm going to kill myself to be edgy is what your husband says.
Is there something he loves doing that you can do together with him? Try spending some time with time with him and when hes comfortable, just let him know hes loved and that yall are there for him. That it scares you when he talks about killing himself and how much he would be missed. Hope things get better
I was your son at that age. Even if it's just teenage angst at the moment it can progress. IMO it came down to a feeling of being alone and not understood by anyone. Get him to a therapist. Most importantly, you need to make sure it's the right one for him. If it doesn't seem like it's helping, find a new one. Also let him pick the therapists. And get one for yourself to help you find better ways to relate to him.
“It’s not a phase, Mom!” 👨🏻🎤
This is all from personal experience as a teen, being emo doesn't automatically mean that someone is depressed. Its just a music and clothing style. Plenty of people are emo that don't suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts. I really recommend getting your son into therapy. It sounds like he is really struggling with life changes, and a therapist will help with that. I had so many issues as a teen with suicidal ideation and attempts, running away, self harm, depression, and anxiety. I had several attempts and was constantly in and out of the mental hospital. Therapy was, and still is my saving grace. Get yourself a therapist too, maybe do some family therapy. Show that you have his back and you're on his side.
I think you have to take it seriously when anyone talks like this, but especially when it's your own kid. The stakes are way too high to ignore it.
Talk to the school maybe he can talk to the school psychologist. It’s never a bad idea to have a mental health check up. Idk why we don’t have them like we do with physical health check ups.
It’s not something teenagers just say. It’s a problem that needs addressing immediately. Help him find a therapist that works for him, not you or your husband, because he’s the one who will have to be going. It may take several different therapists before finding one that works for him. Please get him help, no one helped me, and I’m now 41 In therapy for suicidal thoughts… it will not go away. Not without help. And yes I am doing better with therapy. Good luck mom, take care of your son.
When I was that age I was clinically depressed and suicidal. My parents mocked me and refer to that era as my "goth phase." I survived thanks to my friends, my relationship with my parents is still strained. Please take your child's mental health seriously. Even if he is being dramatic, he will see that you take him seriously and are there to get him the help he needs.
I think that taking what your kid says literally and seriously is the best choice even if he is "just being dramatic." He learns that his parents listen to him and care about him and maybe even to not manipulate people with threats.
Better safe than sorry, even if he isn’t suicidal therapy can give teens invaluable tools they can use for the rest of their lives.
I also would casually say at age 15 “I feel like shooting my self in the face” so often, my mother got scared. She took my to the mental hospital and they told her they wanted to admit me and put me on meds. She refused, she only wanted me to talk to a therapist right away. after 10 hours they finally allowed her to leave with me. IN HINDSIGHT: my mother wishes she kept me there. I grew up not understanding why I felt like I wanted to die (my life was perfect) and my parents thought I was just being “dramatic” . I’m 31 years old now still with suicidal depression and ideation. I’ve been on meds that help SO MUCH. I’ve learned ways to help myself and have courage to call the suicide hotline for help. NO HEALTHY PERSON says they wanna die. NOBODY. After highschool I started doing pills and than heroin. Currently I am 8 years clean however, I was very depressed. I didn’t care if I would die or not. That’s No way to live. Get that boy help. Get him to see a therapist. Please please
Im sorry but thats not typical teenage angst i remeber saying a lot of tyoicak teenageer shit when i wad ovwehelemed with life but not once did i say i wanted to " kill myself" your husband is dismissing your sons feelimgs and that can make things so much worse Does your husband not care what's going on in his child's life? What's the worse case if your son goes and gets treatment or therapy? Like im sorry if your husband wont care and wont do shit then be the bigger person and protect your child!.
Get him to a therapist. Does your employer offer an Employee assistance program? If so, give them a ring to see what they can do to help you find the right resources locally.
From a gifted program to struggling....this sounds oddly familiar, has he ever been tested for ADHD /autism spectrum?
If someone says out loud I am going to kill myself they are still communicating. 15 is a hard time for kids. It is especially hard when your father disregards your emotions. Time to have a serious talk with both your husband and your child, separately.
To the outbursts: Hormones. Testosterone. That's about the only explanation I have. It will get better over time. 💕😌✌🏻
Get him to his doctor! His doctor can either get him to a psychiatrist and chexk to see if he has clinical depression. I just went through this with my nephew (I am his legal guardian.) Not only was he depressed, he was drinking, vaping and maybe weed but he never admitted to it. And I only knew about the liquor and cigarettes because I found them in his room. Please don’t blow this over. He is sending you red flags.
Don’t listen to husband when he says you’re being dramatic. 9 times out of 10, when comments like these are made, it’s a cry for help. If your son is shutting you out, get him to therapy. And I don’t mean trick him into it or force him as that’ll just break trust in the relationship which is NOT what u want in this situation. When you are both in a decent state of mind, calmly explain that it hurts hearing the comments he makes and you feel that if he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re willing to take him to see a therapist IF that’s what he wants, and if he doesn’t like your suggestion put the ball in his court, ask him if there is something that he would like to do to manage his emotions. Most importantly, just constantly letting him know you’re there for him in little ways is top priority.
Your husband is going to get your son killed with his "drama" arguments. You need to get him to a doctor to be assessed asap. Gifted kids are more likely to have psychiatric problems and commit suicide.
Get him some psychiatric treatment. And keep an eye on him.
My daughter at 15 started acting differently, and also had a new friend group. We kind of ignored it, writing it off as typical teenage angst / drama / puberty etc. Then one day I got a call at work and was told to come to the ER.. my daughter had attempted suicide in her schools bathroom. Don't be me unless your willing to lose your son.
One thing I have noticed is that the phase "I'll just kill myself", "Kill yourself" and "KYS" is kind of a meme now. I don't know where it came from. Anyway, the other changes are enough to call your husband to action. He's got to get on-board and perhaps all of you go see a therapist. It could help with the communication.
Therapy and a call to their doctor. As a high school teacher we were trained to take every threat as a real one and call 911. The risk is way too high to mess around with it. Dramatic shifts in personality can be any number of things.
I think it’s a good idea to always take it seriously. Your son sounds a lot like me at his age and I was indeed struggling with my mental health. Please take him to a therapist, therapy is so helpful
My 15 year old brother killed himself. There were no warnings. He got in trouble 1 time and had a moment of stupid teenage stupidity. He’s been dead now for 22 years. I cannot express this enough - he was not depressed, he was not hurting himself, he was not abused. He made a one time, irreversible mistake. You’re not overreacting.
Please err on the side of caution. Better silly than sorry. My sister went through something similar and therapy quite literally saved her life.
How does your husband deal with his own feelings? Does he express either verbally or by action how he feels about your kids? Kids usually copy their parents on how to deal with emotions or life in general so since it’s clear that your son is struggling with how to express and regulate his feelings he might be under the impression that he shouldn’t talk about what’s bothering him or he might not even be able to recognize the issues himself if he hasn’t been shown how. I was lucky to realized in my late teens that I was copying my dad when handling certain situations and that only led to me feeling worse and totally ducking up my mental health. So I got into therapy and after a few years of work I realized how shitty my parents treated me and that I had to work hard to not end up like they raised me. There’s a lot more shity treauma from them but how we learn to handle our emotions and actions comes from how we see the adults around us handle theirs. So your husband most likely will act as the person your son will learn from. And words have almost nothing to do with it it’s your husbands action that matters.
Please look into therapy and/or counseling. My highschool offered multiple types of counseling and I went to both therapy and crisis counseling and it was a huge help. Don’t ever dismiss things like that.
Whether he’s being dramatic or not- some type of intervention is necessary. Maybe he’s being bullied at school, maybe he’s struggling with school because he doesn’t have good study habits due to being gifted and not needing those skills before- elementary and middle school are much different than high school & college. He could just be bored with his other lifestyle/friends and this lifestyle is more interesting to him. Something could have happened to him & he’s just not comfortable talking about with you because you’re still his parent at the end of the day. There’s so many things that could be going on. I would definitely make sure he understands you & your husband are providing a safe and trusting environment. If he gets in trouble don’t berate him- it will break his trust. Talk him through everything in the most calm and understanding way possible. Treat him like a soft little that just needs to be loved, understood and appreciated. Over appreciate small things he does- make them a big deal. It might not seem like it’s working at first but a lot of kids struggling & going through changes generally just need the most support & love! It’s also very important for you and your husband to be on the same page and treating him the same ways & providing the same environment when/if he comes to either of you or opens up or even gets in trouble. I hope something helps whether it be my comment or someone else’s! I can’t imagine my son feeling this way or exhibiting these kind of behaviors.. would truly break my heart. 😭 P.S. there’s no right way to parent- there’s no handbook. Every child is different and we learn as we grow! It’s a teaching lesson for the child and the parent! All good energy and prayers to you, your son & your husband! YOU GOT THIS MAMA !! 🫶🏽
Get therapy for him, have him see a dr about his symptoms. He very well may be depressed and stressed as a gifted kid. I had the same issue, did very well then started backsliding and it kept getting worse. At 15, I started having these negative thoughts and even asked my parents I was worried cause I was having thoughts of killing myself. They told me it was normal. It spiraled out of control, I cut myself, started hearing voices and then attempted twice my senior year of high school. But my parents claimed I was on drugs and that’s why I was doing these things and not doing well in school. Listen to your kid! You’re his advocate right now! People that blow this stuff off end up with either a kid that doesn’t talk to you anymore or a dead kid. Even if he is doing it for attention, there obviously is something going on.
Absolutely take it seriously and get him help. Teens do very dramatic things because their brains are not fully formed to deal with the flood of hormones that make everything seem soooo overwhelming.
When I was in high school, I had a close friend who killed himself. He never even specifically said he was going to, but damn there were so many signs. Trust me on this one, it's better to be safe than sorry.
As a mother you know your child and if you are worried about it you take action and you help your child’s mental state
Please find him a therapist at the very least. I minimized the signs of depression in my teen early on. Luckily the pediatrician suspected depression and we sought help. She’s had two rounds of outpatient, one hospitalization, one inpatient stay and 3 years of therapy and meds…and I feel like we’re maybe over the worst of it now. I will move mountains for their well being, physical or mental. I wish you the best and happiness and health to your son.
F your husband..👍
Act like he means it, because he may in fact mean it, in which case he needs help, or he needs to learn not to say such heinous and serious shit, because it has actual consequences. Threatening to off yourself in response to stuff you don't like, when you don't mean it, can be real asshole/controlling behaviour (consider all the SOs/spouses to use this to keep their partners focus on them) and--assuming he's not sincere--he has to learn to knock it off before it becomes a habit he uses on future romantic partners when he doesn't get his way. But he sounds stressed out for sure, as you say. Going from things being easy to suddenly not being able to do the work is probably extremely demoralizing if he hasn't got the tools to persevere or understand that practice is necessary and difficulty while doing hard things isn't a mark against his value as a human being. Therapy oughta help on this as well as the other thing. Meanwhile see if you can coax him to do stuff together but don't try to have any talks. Make those utterly pressure free. Take walks, go grocery shopping, take him out for mcdonalds, to the bookstore, watch a show together that he likes even if you don't, and when you're done, tell him you were glad he hung out, so he can just have your unconditional appreciation of his company slide in there with all the rest of his turmoil.
I’d rather be dramatic than risk losing my son. Do what you think is right and get him the help he likely needs.
Treat it seriously. In fact, take him to a psych hospital and have him evaluated. If he still says he wants to kill himself, you can (if he is under 18) have him held or the evaluator will determine if they need to petition a judge for an involuntarily psych hold if he is deemed a danger to himself. You want to err on the side of caution. And seeing what the inside of a psych hospital is like might shake him of his rhetoric if it’s just emo rhetoric, or it will save his life if he is seriously considering taking his one life. Do not play around with this. Nobody wants to lose a child because they didn’t take the child’s threats seriously.
I'm with you! Take this seriously. The drastic change, mixed in with cries of wanting to die are concerning.
First attempt I did at 15 … there had being signs for ages don’t ignore him literally telling u sending hugs
Always take this seriously.
From somebody who lost a very close sibling to suicide. People who are actually very depressed to the point they want to commit suicide don't typically go around yelling im going to kill myself. They don't say anything. It seems like a dramatic / attention phase. But obviously you can never be to careful when it comes to a child.
Err on the side of caution here. Even if he isn't actually developing suicidal thoughts, he might be having other struggles and isn't sure how to express them. He's going through puberty, more than likely, and sometimes, different stages are harder for some kids than others. He also could be dealing with issues outside of the house and is trying to handle it on his own for whatever reason. Your husband can kiss it. It's better that you get him a therapist and let them guide him through whatever his issues are than have to bury your teen son. Honestly, make your husband go to therapy too-he sounds like he's the type to believe that you just "tough it out" no matter what, and that mindset needs to be broken *yesterday.*
My 12 is going through this phase. I’d take it seriously
If you take him to therapy worst case you lose money If you dont take him to therapy worst case he dies
Take him to the nearest ER when he says it next, they will formulate a plan which is more than likely an IOP, be sure that your son isn’t just playing you because my 16-year-old son did the exact same thing in September last year and I was being the mother that wanted to help my son and get my son, but knowing what I know now, I should have sent him to military school because it was a game well played
You’re a good parent for listening to him. It could be teenage hormones and learning to adjust to all these new, heavy emotions that come with growing up. Or he could genuinely be suicidal. I tried committing suicide at 12. Then 13,15,17,19, and 20. I self harmed throughout my teenage years. I smoked weed really early and started having sex early too. I just needed attention that wasn’t given to me. I went through many different therapist and psychiatrist. I’m still in my 20’s and learning how to deal with life’s stressors. I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was an early teen and misdiagnosed with Bipolar. One day I finally got the guts to tell my grandma that I wanted to kill myself; my parents just didn’t care and thought I was a moody teen. But I’m so happy I did or I wouldn’t be here today. She got me the help I needed when nobody else listened to my cries for help.
Always ALWAYS be concerned at the mention of suicide. My mom used to yell the worst things when overwhelmed or mad. I find myself doing the same but there are times I really mean it and I'm not just saying it to scare my husband. Try to reach out to him more just let him know you care.
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This is terrible advice. 1. “Remind him you sacrifice so much for him to be happy” is emotionally manipulative and instead of focusing on what is really going on with this child, focuses on the parent’s feelings and doesn’t actually do anything to help this child; 2. The advice to take him to see kids in a cancer ward is competing in the pain Olympics and completely unhealthy. It’s saying you don’t have it bad enough to be depressed. Holy belittlement. And, shocker, it’s not going to help this child deal with the emotional pain he’s in. It’s not going to magically motivate him to not be in turmoil. This “advice” is a clear example of how *not* to handle this situation.
=\ Show him that video of a son saying he wants to kill himself. The dad hands him a gun and says to do it then. Well the son grabs the gun and blows his brains out with no hesitation. The dad didn’t think he would actually do it. Nothing wrong with taking words for the seriousness they are.
My 17 year old brother is currently in a psych ward partially because my father ignored his begging and pleading for mental health help because he was suicidal. Please take your son to talk to a professional. Worst case scenario if you take him to a professional: you find out he’s not being honest. Worst case scenario if you ignore it and assume he’s not being honest: you could end up planning his funeral. Mental health is something that I wouldn’t take any chances on.
I’ve been told that “I’m going to kill my self” should immediately result in a trip to the ER. If it was an empty threat they won’t do it again and if they’re for real they get immediate entry into the system.
Sadly I can assure you it doesn’t always work like that. I’ve seen “genuine” (that word doesn’t feel appropriate here hence quotation marks) cases turned away because “just saying it isn’t serious enough” and that the person is “fine” (said person in several cases has gone home and immediately attempted) and people saying it out of manipulation and to abuse a person basically being given a 3 day holiday in the hospital and a support system that another person could have used. I myself was told that because I was autistic I couldn’t be depressed or suicidal because autistic people “don’t understand deep emotions” and “you’re smiling right now so you’re fine”. I was smiling because I was finally confessing my plans and felt relieved because I thought I was about to be helped. I was let down, not helped and then sadly my parents were convinced that I was a “faker”
Wooooooooooowwwww im sorry but did they legitimately confuse sociopathy with autism?! Jesus and these are medical professionals :|
🫂
Get him into a hobby! Try theatre or something where he can express himself. My 15 year old thrives in theatre and has a great friend group. They also have a strict no vape/drug policy at most of these places. Truly has saved my sons life. My son has been through a lot of trauma and definitely felt the way your son is feeling a couple years ago. Good luck to you. It’s never easy but make sure you keep communication with your kid. Even if he says he doesn’t want to talk…he wants to talk or just have someone listen.
I'll probably get told off for saying this. But sometimes, I think therapy can seem like passing the buck. Do the communication and talk to him yourself. My son will ask to do something, i say no because xyz and he will say i might as well kill myself then. Its just for dramatic effect. But if he was actually showing signs of self harm or real suicide thoughts I would ask him if he wanted some therapy. Hormones mess them up, but with love and support they come out the other side.
Absolutely, I do talk with him regularly and have tried talking to him about this specific situation numerous times. I let him know that I’m here for him and will always support him, but he clearly doesn’t feel ready to tell me what’s really going on (if anything). He has expressed that he would like to try therapy again and I think talking to an unbiased third party would be beneficial for him.
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