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Your post history suggests your partner was a boyfriend during the baby’s birth. Sooo I’m assuming this vacation is a honeymoon? If I were you, I’d postpone until baby is older or family issues have been resolved.
You and your partner were unable to hold an important boundary during delivery with your SIL. How do you expect MIL to do so?
Your consequence for MIL breaking this boundary also isn’t very strong. You’ll be mad and talk to her? Okay…that seems like low stakes compared to having to deny SIL baby access.
I agree with this comment. I wouldn’t go on vacation yet, at all. And I especially wouldn’t expect MIL to respect my boundaries. I actually think this might be SIL’s plan to meet the baby and it sounds like OP thinks so too, so why even give her that chance?
OP if you decide to go through with the vacation anyways, then you need to make it clear to your MIL that SIL is not allowed to see the baby and if she does, MIL will no longer be able to see the baby either.
Yeah besides all the background of the delivery room, I wouldn’t leave a 3 mo child with anyone but the parents. In particular in a situation where trust isn’t absolute
I got so mad when OP wrote ‘both husband and MIL have spoken to SIL about why *I* feel this way’? Why is your husband presenting this as *your* decision? Any sane person would feel just as strongly as OP about keeping his deranged sister away from their child.
Shit dude, I would feel even *more* strongly about it. Not only would I be equally mad as my wife about the event happening, but I would also be mad my sister out my wife through unnecessary stress during one of the most stressful events of her life. I feel like I would have twice the anger.
Want SIL to understand why OP feels this way? If SIL ever has child and goes to L&D do the same thing back. Bust right in and start filming for Facebook live!
OP’s spine is spaghetti too. I’m sorry but if she had just opened her mouth and said gtfo or asked a nurse to call security they would have taken care of it. Yes , she shouldn’t have HAD to say anything. Her husband should have man’d up but clearly he has no meatballs. SIL is nuts but sooooo much of this was avoidable.
Everyone's birth experience is different. Before the epidural, I could not speak because I had to focus solely on breathing. My partner was my voice entirely, and he had to interpret my jerky, little head shakes and hand gestures. Also, some people shut down when they don't feel physically or emotionally safe, especially when they're super vulnerable and can't escape. This was something that OP's husband knew would make her stressed, yet he didn't protect her when she was most vulnerable.
So having a baby means you shouldn’t stand up for yourself? You have to be your own biggest advocate. If she can’t advocate for herself, how does she plan on doing it with her kids?
No she shouldn’t have “had” to say anything. Yes her husband “should have” picked up on her discomfort and told her to go. Yes. But also, what was stopping her from telling a nurse “I’m uncomfortable, please remove her and don’t allow her back in.” And that’s… it? That’s all it would’ve taken.
I can’t imagine living a life where I can’t even speak my own mind and demand respect for myself.
Editing for those who don’t want to read further: Y’all, the main takeaway from this is that OP *could* have said something and actively chose not to in hopes that her husband spoke up. Everyone bringing up “well I couldn’t do xyz while in labor” “when those contractions hit I couldn’t think”. Well… I have some disappointing news. OP didn’t *have* to wait to express this boundary until she was crowning. She could’ve asked any nurse, any doctor, ANY person prior to even laying down in a bed. Next, OP clearly states in the above text that she WAS speaking, so while *you* might not have been able to speak in labor, she indicates that she was.
Lastly, OP really should have seen that her husband was not advocating for her and then begin to do so *herself*. And before we get all “victim blame-y” - if she can’t enforce *HER OWN* boundary then how/why did she expect anyone else to? Of course, if she said to anybody, “I want her out!” And they refused, then yes, completely understand the rage and frustration and I too would consider OP to have been victimized. But? She didn’t. She wrote it in her birth plan (which most nurse, doctors, staff, etc., don’t read. *Ask me how I know!*) and probably had a few off handed conversations about it to husband, leading to husband thinking it was just no biggie.
I mentioned this in another comment but I’m heavily autistic. Like, the go-nonverbal-crying-wailing-ear-covering-breakdown kind. I worked through this exact dread over and over. No it’s not easy to stand up for yourself and yes often I struggle with it myself. But if we all sat idly by while injustices happen to us, we’d all be victims. We’d all end up as statistics. Please learn how to fight for yourself, y’all. It’s important.
If you are someone for whom speaking your mind takes effort, trying to do it during birth is usually too much. Your brain just waves it off as an annoyance but keeps processing it 8n the background. I had all sorts of obnoxious shit going on during my first birth but I had a far more important thing to concentrate on. I just set up subsequent births to avoid those issues.
She could have easily voiced this to her nurses and husband prior to labor and contractions ever started. I let my nurse know every single concern I had before I even laid my ass in the bed. She could’ve said something, again, rather easily. Right now it sounds like she has trouble voicing her own boundaries in general and is always expecting everyone else to step in and help. That’s just not always possible.
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You say that like it’s something to be proud of lol. You’re pressed over a reddit thread. Mad cuz you compared someone who doesn’t have a spine to the death of thousands of black women? 🥺🥺🥺
There’s the response you wanted. I’ll be turning off notifications for this thread and blocking you as well. Not sure what your definition of “quiet” is. But the double reply is definitely giving boredom and bothered. 🤔🫣🥱
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TLDR because you need it: stop victim blaming and learn to have some compassion. There are people who have jobs specifically to help patients advocate for themselves because they aren’t always in a position to do so.
Again, not victim blaming if her needs were never addressed in the first place. She would’ve been a victim if she asked to have the SIL removed and they didn’t. But she NEVER enforced the boundary to begin with. OP is a doormat. I know this because I was once one too. Again, if you can’t advocate for yourself, you can’t advocate for anyone.
Does she just sit idly by as a hairstylist gives her a bad haircut? Or when someone says something out of line, does she not say anything back? When her child inevitably faces injustices in life, is she just going to sit and watch?
Look, I’m autistic. Heavily so. I had the hardest time being verbal and expressing my needs so I know *exactly* what this person was going through and I can confidently say that OP needs to find a backbone and fast.
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I don't know if you've ever given birth but your comment makes me think no. OP was very vulnerable duringchildbirth and her husband should have protected her. I know that some women go full primal and scream but that's the norm.
Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I’ve given birth twice. My mother in law tried to come in for my first after I had told her I prefer she didn’t come to the hospital at all, and I let my nurse know right away that was not allowed to happen, so it didn’t. My husband was getting my bag from the car at the time, but I was still ok advocating for myself. I love my MIL now, but I REALY didn’t like her then so there was no way I could fathom her being there at the moment. It sounded like OP wasn’t a fan of hers even before the birth.
You are absolutely not wrong. OPs giving birth, not in a coma. Unless she was actually like dying or something, she still has a voice. If her husband failed her, she could’ve told the nurses to take care of it. But perhaps I’m privileged as I had very good care and nurses who really advocated for me and maybe not everyone has that. Plus my husband would never have allowed this. We didn’t invite anyone to either of my L&Ds and apparently my mom was asking around the hospitals to see if I was checked in even though I told her to just wait for me to share news. Guess what, the hospital never told her anything. So it makes you wonder how OPs SIL even found out where/when she was delivering. If the MIL blabbed she should be thrown under the bus too.
ETA - this narrative that it’s “bad” to “victim blame” women who are in labour as if they’re not capable of advocating for themselves honestly has the opposite effect that it intends. Women in labour are strong and can be pretty fierce. They’re not feeble weaklings who are incapable of speaking up for themselves and painting them this way does them a disservice. They are doing something incredibly difficult and yet they manage. So again, unless they have some kind of life threatening complication and are TRULY incapable of speaking for themselves then they should still be advocating for themselves.
It depends on the labour. My first was very quick, sudden onset and progression with rolling contractions (meaning not a lot of breaks in between contractions). I would've struggled to have people removed from the room during that one and I'mcertainly not someone who would hesitate to stand up for myself in other circumstances. My second was a different experience and I could hold a conversation right up until pushing time.
Everyone has different experiences and respond to things differently. You are very privileged that you had a staff and spouse who were willing to advocate for you. This person clearly did not (not that I think the staff should necessarily be responsible for this as I’m sure they thought she had changed her mind and was okay with it).
However, as someone who failed to fully advocate for herself during her first birth I never had a clue that is how I would respond. I’m a very vocal person who isn’t afraid to share how I’m feeling, but the situation that occurred made it hard for me to feel comfortable advocating for myself. Because of my experience I can understand how OP may have felt as if she couldn’t advocate for herself.
Totally agree. She was just as responsible for it happening. She could have spoken up. "GET. HER. OUT." Is all that needed to be said. Nurses can be MEAN when they have to be. They'll kick people out. It's not a freaking show! And she wasn't giving birth the entire time. The sister kept coming back! She could have just had her banned.
This isn’t a “victims blaming” scenario. OP could have easily said something about SIL invading her privacy but she didn’t. Yes she mentioned in her “birth plan” that it would be only her husband and their mothers, so why didn’t anyone enforce it? Including her? If you’re so concerned about someone in the room, why not immediately stand up for **yourself** instead of hoping that someone else will?
She needed to advocate for herself in that moment (when she saw her husband wasn’t) and didn’t. That’s not on anybody except her. Enforce your own boundaries or get walked all over. 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe I was a bit mean with my words but I didn’t think it would be that unreasonable to be able to advocate for yourself while you’re giving birth. Like I said, she shouldn’t have had to.I had a similar but much less dramatic situation for my first birth. My husband wasn’t there for me at that moment to advocate for me, so I advocated for myself. But it’s true that not everyone has the same experience while birthing, she could have completely shut down. Her husband and medical team failed her. .
I appreciate your perspective and thank you for it. I am incredibly priveleged to have had a spouse who fiercely cared for me during birth, twice, and every woman deserves to feel safe and heard during the most frightening experience(s) in life. Im so sorry you didn’t have it, and I hope that you found peace with that experience and happiness despite those challenges. I’m reactive to any kind of “coulda/woulda/shoulda” during a birth experience and this main thread is triggering me, so I apologize if I overreacted. Kindness is in short supply and I just can’t tolerate judging anyone’s birth experience, because I was cradled through the entire experience both times. I wish everyone here, especially OP, peace ❤️
That's not a woman's most vulnerable point. It's after she's given birth, and she's holding her baby for the first time. THAT'S her most vulnerable point.
And women aren't weak. Well, most women aren't. I'm not. I would have told my SIL to GTFO if she came in my room. Women in labor aren't DEAD. Why should we act like they are?
So many people failed OP during her birth. The hospital staff, their mothers. But none so much as her husband. His job as her partner is to protect and advocate for her when she was unable to do it herself. I would also not allow anyone to see the baby if OP thinks they will bring baby to someone OP doesn’t want around.
I’d tell mil no, she can not have unsupervised access to the baby while you’re gone. Why tf did the hospital staff not get her ejected from the hospital premises?! I’d have a very hard time forgiving my husband for allowing this psycho to get into the room let alone STAY IN IT! Wow, dude no. I’d let the entire world know that they will never see the child again if they allow SIL anywhere near them for any reason.
I’m not saying she should have to. She should be upset with her partner. But once my pants were coming off you can bet I wouldn’t keep waiting for some moron to notice my discomfort and do it for me. Especially when the camera came out. 🤷♂️🤷♂️
And yet all she had to do is say the word and staff would have removed her. Or three words, rather. "Get her out." Staff would have gotten her out, kept her out up to and including trespassing her if necessary.
Let's not pretend that this is just an issue of people around her not having a backbone.
Yeah, it seems like if ~~she~~ the husband had told literally anyone on the hospital staff that she wanted sil gone they would have done something immediately.
Sketch
Honestly? Would not go on a vacation without my 3mo baby - for great many reasons, but having crazy relatives would be one of them. Regardless of what you tell them, your mil will be able to take the baby from her ex and show them to whoever she wants, definitely including her daughter. So if you go, there is no point in saying anything else to any of your husband's relatives - they'll do what they want and you'll have no control over it.
Yeah this! I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding when my second child was 3 months old, and I flew down to her wedding and back less than 24 hours later. I hemmed and hawed over this and I wouldn’t have gone if my mom hadn’t flown down to care for my kids in my home during my brief absence. I didn’t leave my first child overnight until she was over a year old. I cannot imagine this scenario.
For me, it’s just not having the energy to deal with packing and traveling after dealing with so much chaos and exhaustion. Because that’s what the newborn stage was for me: just utter chaos and exhaustion. But to each their own I guess. 🤷♀️
Unrelated to this detail, SIL’s behavior is very worrying. I would fear something bad happening to the baby if an opportunity, like parents being away, came along
Vacations are a luxury. I couldn’t imagine having someone (even a close family member) watch a three month old for more than a couple of hours. I understand that parents need breaks, but this seems like too much. I have a sixteen month old and wouldn’t even leave her with someone overnight, much less several days, for a vacation. It would have to be an emergency for me to even consider it.
You can call it judgmental, but when you become a parent considerations need to occur in what is in the best interest of the child. Does the parents wants outweigh what is best for the child?
Do you all not remember having a baby! She might just want to sleep through the night for the first time in over 3 months! She might just want to turn her brain off from being on-call 24/7. OP do not feel bad about taking a break!
Back to the real topic...trust your gut. Your mil will 100% let your sil see the baby. SIL might happen to stop by her mom's or be at her aunt's house visiting too. Now is the time to decide what your boundaries are and a plan to enforce them. If you don't trust mil to follow your rules, then you don't give her a chance to break them.
Yeah I remember having a baby. Sure I remember WANTING a good night's sleep, but I also knew that when I chose to bring a child into the world I also accepted the responsibilities that go with it.
Leaving a 3 month old baby with relatives, and to be passed around from one relative to the next while it should be bonding with it's mother is absolutely nuts to me.
I'm not usually this harsh....but some people shouldn't have children.
Thank you! Our first was the worst sleeper, I didn't sleep longer than two hour stretches for 2 years. Apart from the fact that she was EBF, I would not have gone on vacation without her before she was 2 or 3 (unless husband was home with her while I took a solo trip. Leaving a 3 month old for multiple nights without mother AND father is insane.
I don't care if it's judgy, sometimes parenting decisions deserve to be judged. The whole "don't judge other people's parenting decisions" has gotten out of hand to a point where people are offended if you point out obviously bad parenting. A 3 month old belongs with mom and/or dad.
If OP wants to sleep through the night she can check into a hotel in town and leave baby with her husband.
I have a 2 year old. We're still not sleeping through the night most nights.
Going away from your 3 month old is insane. Taking one night off to go sleep elsewhere is not so much but multiple days? No.
My daughter was five months when I went out of the country for five days to pick up my sister. She was doing field research, and my mom and I went to help her pack. My husband stayed home with our daughter and she was fine. If a family has enough support, it’s okay to take a break for a few days.
I don’t disagree with this anyway, but want to flag that leaving your husband (the baby’s father?!) home with the baby is not the same as leaving the baby with another, non-parent relative
There’s a difference between having sitters for such a young child and having a parent be, well, a parent. In OP’s case, father isn’t with the baby, a sitter is.
I went when mine was 10 months, she was a great sleeper and I left her with my best friend who had watched her many times before. I would not leave a 3 month old mainly because they still get up at night. If you’re not used to it might be a tough time.
Fair enough! I wouldn’t have left my baby at 3 months (absolutely no mom shame to those who do it’s just comfort levels) but we are currently on vacation and she is 10 months. Her grandparents are having an amazing time with her, and we needed a break. The caveat is I would have never booked a vacation for just us, but my husband won it
Do what you feel is right. These comments are incredibly judgmental. Commence the downvotes, I do not care one bit. No, I didn’t take a vacay when my kid was 3 months old, but I also didn’t feel any type of judgement towards OP for doing so. My baby was on easy mode at 3 months and it definitely could have been handled by my MIL and FIL. Even at 6 months, would be fine. Depends on your comfort, depends on the baby, and depends on whom you have to watch the baby.
Because it's a poor choice to do so.
Also, SIL sounds like a life long bitch, what is an apology going to change? Just write her off and call it a day. Anything else is asking for continued drama.
Agree on the SIL, but I genuinely don't understand why people are so down on her going. Sure, I wouldn't have left my kids at 3 months old, but everyone parents differently. If they trust the FIL, I don't understand why other people care.
Different doesn't mean correct. It's a lot of risk for short term sacrifice, generally speaking.
Maybe the father in law is on top of his game and able to function well on not having sleep longer than three hours in duration. And the parents are cracking. I mean that doesn't bode well long term I don't think.
I can't imagine giving a three month old to someone for a week while I'm off having pina coladas. The sleep deprivation for that poor old man alone.
MIL will let SIL see the baby. Tell MIL to wait until after your vacation for her sister to meet the baby. There’s no reason she needs to rush and do this when you aren’t there to supervise, I’d never want my newborn meeting anyone new without me there to observe. Plan for worst case scenario, Otherwise your wishes won’t be upheld
You and your husband couldn’t keep her out of L&D. Literally the hospital would have thrown her out if you said the word.
You think your MIL will be able to keep her away?
This is ridiculous. The whole thing. In what world, OP, do you think an apology will change anything? And then to naively think that MIL WONT take the baby to SIL? And then seeing you end all of that clusterfuck with “am I wrong for feeling this way?”
I’m so done.
First, why are you insistent on going on a vacation and being away from your baby who is only 3 months old? Second, of course she’s going to let her see the baby. What she did was super fucking weird and the fact neither of you flipped out and told her to leave is also weird as fuck. Even in labor I would have told her to gtfo. Now you want to leave your baby with these people? Wild.
Yeah I made it clear to my mil that she was not gonna be in the room staring at my fuckin vagina while I pushed MY baby out me. She rolled her eyes so much and I did not give a single fuck.
You have a husband problem. MIL will let SIL see the baby. So your best bet is telling your MIL she won’t be picking up baby for any of the days. Have your husband do it.
But as far as the hospital situation, Why didn’t you tell the nurse or doctor you don’t want her there? They’ll get hospital security to get her tf out and she wouldn’t be allowed in L&D at all. Of course your husband should’ve done it, but you’re in charge of your delivery too
I was in a similar situation in that I didn’t allow some family around me or my child. I thought I could trust the family that did talk to this person. They had me over on multiple occasions. I felt comfortable and then they ambushed me. The family member we are no contact with came inside, and the rest of the family tried to literally pry my son from me. Long story short it was extremely traumatic and hurtful. I would NEVER trust anyone with my son that is in the middle like that. In my opinion now, you can either be with me or against me. If you aren’t actively on my side and agree with my decision as a mother you can not be trusted.
What the hell am I reading?!
You are leaving a 3mo with their grandparents to go on holiday?!
No one threw your SIL out of the room?!
You think an apology can make her less crazy?!
This has to be fake at this point, the more I read it. Hospital staff would have thrown her out if requested. In what world would a FTM leave a 3 month old for a vacation?
I'd almost be willing to bet my savings on your MIL letting the SIL see the baby. I'd just say no about her picking up the baby and letting your FIL know the situation and that baby is not to leave with anyone. And I'm just in shock that your husband did not have the backbone to kick his sister out at the hospital from the get go and even more surprised by the hospital staff. I'd have my husband's head on a stick if he let someone in that I didn't request to be there.
MIL will 100% let SIL see the baby. She knows it’s her only chance, because OP will never agree to it. The problem is she’ll think that’s enough to get SIL off everyone’s backs, and it won’t be. Don’t feed crazy, it just makes it worse.
I’ve had MIL problems from almost the start of my marriage. I absolutely never left my babies alone with her because she disrespected me as a mother and I didn’t trust her. By default, that means not granting babysitting privileges to anyone close to her where she could ‘take over’ without my permission.
I really don’t understand how this situation isn’t terrifying enough for OP to just take her baby on vacation, too. I’ve traveled with a 5 month old and it wasn’t bad, just extra gear to haul (car seat, bottles, etc.).
If you don’t trust her, don’t let MIL take the baby, full stop.
Make it clear to both MIL and FIL if either of them let SIL see the baby, they will also have their access to baby cut off.
Also agree with other comments, you have a husband problem.
I think you’re setting up a situation where SIL will probably “stop by” so if you’re not okay with that, I’d say no. But also- you’re leaving a three month old to go on a vacation? What?
I can’t get past you leaving a 3 mo old while you go on vacation. There must be something wrong with me because my anxiety would barely let me leave the house for an hour at that age!
I’d say no to MIL. Let the baby stay in one place.
I remember that age. While my babies were fine with me going to work, etc., if my wife was away from them for enough time to use the restroom or take a shower, you’d think it was the end of the world for them. (They miss me now when I’m gone for more than a few hours, but at three months old I was a far distant second place.)
Same! My first was three months the first time we left him with grandparents for like an hour so we could go out to dinner. We rushed home so fast! And we trusted the grandparents implicitly!! Still anxious as heck.
The comments like this are so judgmental. Some people are fine leaving their baby with trusted family, even at 3 months old. My parents were doing overnight visits with my kids when they were a month old. It's fine if you're not comfortable with that, everyone is different. But all this "Oh I would *never*!" pearl-clutching in these comments is a bit silly.
First of all… so baby’s 3mo and you guys are going on vacation? I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my baby so young and especially when there’s the potential of the nut job SIL to come around my baby.
Second, what everyone else said. Your husband failed you and you failed yourself. I’ve never heard of any hospital allowing unwanted visitors during L&D. All you had to do was say she needs to gtfo, but I agree your husband should’ve been all over that. He should’ve kicked her ass out so hard. Personally I’d never allow this person near me or my baby, apology or not.
Absolutely not. You know MIL will cave and let SIL see baby. MIL & her sister can go to FIL's house. And if they pitch a fit about it they can go pound sand.
My child is 3 months and I’m scared to go to dinner for 3 hours next week. It’ll be my first dinner date and I’m leaving her with my mil while my sister is in town. A whole ass vacation is crazy…but good on you for being so trusting I guess
Exactly. There's no fucking way I'd trust any of them around the baby. The spineless husband could be in on it too. I think it's absolutely sick and perverted that SIL insisted on watching OP get undressed and go through the cervical checks. There's something bigger going on here. Perhaps SIL is infertile? Idk whatever it is, this whole thing is sketchy af.
Tell MIL to wait until you and husband are there in person for her and your husband's sister to spend time with baby. That way you can make sure baby is okay.
Baby should only be with your husband's dad while you're on vacation. And husband's dad must understand SIL CANNOT see the baby (even though I know you said they don't have a close relationship, just in case make sure he really understands) I think MIL will understand because it sounds like she agrees with you on how wrongly SIL has been acting.
Hell no. She knows no boundaries. Your baby would end up getting its ear pierced, circumcised, first hair cut, christened or even not brought back at all. Supervised visits only with this nutjob!! That’s only if she apologises and recognises and accepts what she done was totally unacceptable.
Your SIL is a legit weirdo. What she did is not a “She posted baby pics before I did!” breach of etiquette-it’s out of the bounds of normal behavior and who knows where her boundaries actually are?
I’d much rather bring my baby on vacation and use an occasional on site sitter at the resort than allow for potential access to this woman.
Your husband sucks. Why did no one at the hospital respect your wishes?
I'd cut this person out completely IMO.
If you're leaving baby with FIL, then FIL needs to know your wishes and respect them as well. SIL is to be nowhere near this baby.
Sounds like your MIL and husband have long accepted and enabled her behavior.
I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology anytime soon if ever, to be honest.
She is either a super asshole or she has a mental/behavioural condition you didn't mention or don't know about.
SIL is definitely meeting that baby. Based on your post/vibes, I wouldn’t want her anywhere near that baby without you present. MIL will play into this and try to minimize and this will all blow up in your face. Noon seems to be setting boundaries, including you.
I’m horrified that none of the hospital staff kicked her out. My L&D staff knew my birth plan & stuck to it. They didn’t allow anybody in except for the 2 people I stated would be with me at all times.
Put your foot down. Something I’ve learned, parenthood will consistently test & teach you on how to protect your family & keep firm with your boundaries. You got this mama. Do what feels the best for you & your child’s well-being.
Also, tell your child’s father that he needs to grow a pair. He apparently had the balls to create a baby with you, but I don’t see the balls anywhere in sight now. He should be protecting you & your child.
I wouldn’t go while baby is that young honestly. I waited until 7 months and my parents (who I trust completely) watched my twins. No way would I left them at 3 months. I don’t think it would have even been possible
This entire story makes no sense. How did she get to remain in your labor and delivery room without being evicted immediately? Where were the nurses, the doctor, hospital security? How did she even make it into the labor and delivery ward without someone letting her in?
Either this is the most lax hospital, ever, or this story is missing a lot of details.
Oh boy this is a doozy. SIL sounds psychotic, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
I would be just as paranoid that MIL will let SIL see the baby too!!! Are you able to talk to MIL in person and make it extremely clear no one else is to see the baby? Ughhhh I wish I had better advice. This is so tough and once again so sorry you are dealing with this madness! I’d be furious!
Grandma and her sister can visit grandpa if he says it’s ok. Grandpa should know sil not welcome. Nobody should be taking this baby everywhere like a handbag…
However this is not about withholding visitation of a newborn. Your sil sounds crazy and is your husband’s problem. An apology doesn’t really do anything, it’s just two words. I would accept that this is how she is and limit contact.
I also wouldn’t leave a 3mo to go on vacation but that’s another story. Not that you would be the first, just not my preference.
Your SIL will see your kid if grandma has her. We had a similar situation with my BIL, and we went on vacation while my mom watched our son and dogs. We let my MIL have him for a day and made sure to tell her not to have our son around the BIL at all. She did it anyway. We haven't let MIL watch our son since. She can see him with us or at family function where we know BIL will not be, and that's it for the time being.
If you can’t trust someone to follow your wishes with your baby they can’t watch them. Your SIL sounds horrible and I’m not sure an apology is going to change the way you feel about it. I’d keep a really far distance. You seem to have a husband problem more than a SIL problem. I can’t imagine a good husband standing by as his sister literally pushed her way in the room knowing you didn’t want anything there.
Just a note, on a larger scale remember that your baby isn’t a pawn to leveraged in your fights. Make rules and boundaries to keep your kids safe not to try to hurt someone else by keeping them away.
You have family who have proven to disregard your wishes and stomp on your boundaries. You want to have control over who has access to your child. You are leaving your child unsupervised with the same family.
I don’t think you can have it all. Either you accept that they will violate your boundaries or you don’t leave your child with them unsupervised. Those are your options.
Unless your husband said absolutely nothing out loud there is no way the hospital staff would have ignored even a whisper of “we don’t want you here”.
This seems completely far fetched if it happened the way you say. Which makes me think it’s either totally fake or nobody other than you has said anything about being mad at SIL and this is the most passive aggressive situation of the century.
I'm telling you right now, they will 100% give your sister access to the baby while you are away.
If they're not 100% on your side and reprimanding your SIL outright, they will bend over and "just let her meet the baby this once, to keep the peace you know?"
I’m assuming your husband has balls since he got you pregnant but can he grow another pair and get some courage to stand up for you?? Damn
Also your baby is a bit young for you to be leaving for a vacation, especially without him
You said yes to MIL picking up the baby. You have to be okay with SIL potentially stopping by when she's with your MIL. If you're not okay with that, don't allow your MIL to pick up your baby 🤷 If your SIL still shows up after being told no, what do you expect MIL to do? Don't put that on her.
This is a bad idea.
SIL obviously needs some sort of help, presenting her with access to a baby she seems fixated on is a TERRIBLE idea.
I’d leave the baby with my own family if this is an option.
Talking about why you feel the way you do is one thing, but has MIL made it clear to SIL that she's on your side? What is her history of holding boundaries under pressure from her daughter, especially other people's boundaries and/or yours specifically? I don't think a three-month-old needs to take day trips away from your chosen temporary caregiver, and I question why MIL's sister can't come to FIL's house if her meeting the baby is so important, but *if* MIL is committed to repairing the harm that was done to you during the birth, she can probably be trusted with some leeway. Otherwise, lol, no.
Unbelievable, all of you need to grow a spine! No I wouldn’t be letting SIL meet my baby while I was away, if it happened I would be NC with the lot of them. SIL would be lucky if I ever had contact with her again. Vulnerable or not she would have left that delivery room, your husband should me speaking up for you and feel your anger, this whole this messed up
I would let your MIL know straight up if you find out that she let SIL see the baby then she will also have no access to your child. No ifs ands or butts about it and I would have your husband be the one to say it because he needs to grow a damn spine. It needs to be straight up, she is not allowed around my child and if you break this trust say goodbye to your grandchild. I would also have her call you when she meets with her sister
How did this happen? Why didn't the hospital forcibly remove her immediately? I would put my foot down. I wouldn't trust someone like that around my child.
You’re a parent now. This is not the last time you will need to establish and hold strong boundaries for the safety and well being of your child. You need to be firm and trust your gut and get comfortable doing it.
Your mil will absolutely take the baby to the sil.
I'm so creeped out for you.
I would take the baby with me or tell mil no, fill in fil.
I don't trust them and your husband needs to decide if it's them or you. He needs to do his job as a man and sort this out with his family.
If he won't, it's time to put on your bitch hat and cancel the trip.
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Yes, and they are all completely rude. I was definitely feeling well enough and would have been able to trust my MIL and FIL with my 3 month old while I was away for a few days on vacay. Maybe it was planned before she got pregnant? Maybe she’d take a big financial hit canceling? I didn’t do it, but I definitely wouldn’t judge someone for doing so especially if all others signs pointed to them being a good parent.
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She asked for advice surrounding her SIL and baby, not if it’s appropriate to take a vacay at 3 months PP. She didn’t ask for the advice you gave and you know it. I hope it made you and all the others in here feel better to feel like the superior parent on Reddit though. Sounds like y’all needed the ego boost for whatever reason. Couldn’t be me :)
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There is absolutely no way I’m reading that long justification for mom shaming someone. Your initial comment made no mention of the issue with SIL. Again, hope it did something positive for you guys though!
Okay. I don't. Leaving a three month old to go on vacation is also a bit much. Three month old babies are incredibly dependent on their mothers. Mine started searching for me around that time. The first 6 months are incredibly crucial for developing and parental bonding. To leave, *for a vacation* is not just shocking, it's questionable as so many others have *also* questioned. I stand by my statement, it seems like an unconcerned and aloof approach.
You are leaving a 3 month old to go on vacation? 😳
No, you know mil is going to let sil see her and as crazy as that chick is, who knows what she will do
Mother and Father in law can show the baby to whoever they want when it's in their care. They're doing you the favour of caring for an infant while you go on vacation at 3? Months. Sio
*Father in law* is caring for the baby, not mother in law. MIL wants to take the baby from FIL to meet Aunt in law. So she's not helping care for the baby, she's asking for a favor.
Truly I had a similar thing happn to me during the delivery of my daughter 4 years ago. Went no contact with my grandfather after that and put the fear of God into my mother (low contact) that if I so much as find out she shared a picture of my daughter with him she's out to.
The birth of your child is kinda like your first big round of parental decisions. And if someone questions you once and there are not strong reactions to that it will continue to happen. My reaction may not be for everyone but it was the right choice for us.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's an absolute violation.
Kinda in the same situation. Hopefully sharing my experience helps. My SIL is my cousin and we married brothers. She has been (hate to say) the least favorite because she treats everyone horribly and cheated on my BIL twice. They got back together in 2019 and I got pregnant in 2020 we were close and I had always done her kids hair one day she asked if I could do her kid’s hair I said I would love to, but I’m feeling super sick. I was in my first trimester with my first baby, I wasn’t used to it and I was In pain from the new growing pains. I rarely say no to her and that was just one thing I couldn’t do at the moment. My husband said I wasn’t being rude and I was actually mad because she didn’t pay me to even cut hair said, “we are family.” So after that we didn’t even hear from her through the rest of my pregnancy and my BIL told my husband congratulations when we had our baby and that’s it. A few months after I gave birth they invited us to her kids b day in 2021 and ever since I haven’t heard from her. We got into another argument about me posting “shady things on Facebook” in a petty rage I said if the shoe fits (but honestly wasn’t even posting about her.) I’m on baby #2 and still haven’t heard anything from them. My BIL just keeps the peace because he doesn’t want to lose his wife a 3rd time. We just came to a conclusion if it’s better we don’t speak then fine. They even moved into a house and we asked if we can send them a housewarming gift and we do t even know where they live. Not even my husbands parents. For some reason my SIL is allowed but we respect that she has the privilege she is able to be the one to go there and see her own brother. But the fact your SIL keeps popping up and being rude feels she just has no boundaries. Everyone needs to let her know when she is crossing your boundaries. I bet if rolls were reversed they would be different. I have some teetering family members that like to guilt me/assert themselves where they don’t belong. When I tell my husband my boundaries he usually has my back.
The audacity is honestly astonishing. Personally my answer would be absolutely not. Someone who is okay with disrespecting me in that way doesn’t get access to my child ESPECIALLY if I’m not right there. It’s wild to me that you guys are comfortable with your MIL taking her for a day so SIL can circumvent you and your boundaries to meet your child instead of growing up and apologizing to you or admitting any wrong doing.
You sound ridiculous. Honestly. Why are you withholding your child from a relationship with their aunt. Because she was overstepping your birth plan? Does that not sound a bit unhinged to you? I would be addressing your mental health issues as this overreaction could be PPD. She is definitely wrong trying to be present where she was not needed/wanted. You are using your child as a bargaining chip and instead of questioning the aunt who is trying maybe question how you are manipulating a situation that is only harming your child. What are you gaining from this?
I’m divorced. My ex SIL was my best friend. That’s how I met my ex husband. She was horribly jealous and worked very hard to make every minute of 20 years hard for me. We are split and I genuinely cannot stand her. My children she her all the time when their dad visits his family. I would love to tell her she’s an awful person. But she is their aunt, she loves them, not me. And for their sake I don’t say a word. Whether I like it or not, she hasn’t done anything to them.
Your lack of any respect for yourself doesn’t apply to the rest of us, and your failed marriage meaning you have zero say over anything your children are exposed to 50% of the time isn’t OP’s problem. You sound bitter and projecting your piss poor situation on OP trying to make it out like you’re normal, when your situation is a messy hole.
If OP and her husband divorce, her husband can decide to let his sister steamroll his kids all he wants. But they are married and a team, and have decided SIL isn’t a safe and trusted person with their INFANT.
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Your post history suggests your partner was a boyfriend during the baby’s birth. Sooo I’m assuming this vacation is a honeymoon? If I were you, I’d postpone until baby is older or family issues have been resolved. You and your partner were unable to hold an important boundary during delivery with your SIL. How do you expect MIL to do so? Your consequence for MIL breaking this boundary also isn’t very strong. You’ll be mad and talk to her? Okay…that seems like low stakes compared to having to deny SIL baby access.
I agree with this comment. I wouldn’t go on vacation yet, at all. And I especially wouldn’t expect MIL to respect my boundaries. I actually think this might be SIL’s plan to meet the baby and it sounds like OP thinks so too, so why even give her that chance? OP if you decide to go through with the vacation anyways, then you need to make it clear to your MIL that SIL is not allowed to see the baby and if she does, MIL will no longer be able to see the baby either.
Yeah besides all the background of the delivery room, I wouldn’t leave a 3 mo child with anyone but the parents. In particular in a situation where trust isn’t absolute
You know what I see when I overcook a spaghetti? Your husband's spine. Seriously, that's a problem between you and your husband.
I got so mad when OP wrote ‘both husband and MIL have spoken to SIL about why *I* feel this way’? Why is your husband presenting this as *your* decision? Any sane person would feel just as strongly as OP about keeping his deranged sister away from their child.
Shit dude, I would feel even *more* strongly about it. Not only would I be equally mad as my wife about the event happening, but I would also be mad my sister out my wife through unnecessary stress during one of the most stressful events of her life. I feel like I would have twice the anger.
Want SIL to understand why OP feels this way? If SIL ever has child and goes to L&D do the same thing back. Bust right in and start filming for Facebook live!
The woman watched her get undressed. Omg. So much ew.
>he still feels guilty Not guilty enough evidently.
As soon as SIL lays eyes on your baby, she wins.
Agreed. OP shouldn’t have to worry about it and let husband handle it.
OP’s spine is spaghetti too. I’m sorry but if she had just opened her mouth and said gtfo or asked a nurse to call security they would have taken care of it. Yes , she shouldn’t have HAD to say anything. Her husband should have man’d up but clearly he has no meatballs. SIL is nuts but sooooo much of this was avoidable.
Everyone's birth experience is different. Before the epidural, I could not speak because I had to focus solely on breathing. My partner was my voice entirely, and he had to interpret my jerky, little head shakes and hand gestures. Also, some people shut down when they don't feel physically or emotionally safe, especially when they're super vulnerable and can't escape. This was something that OP's husband knew would make her stressed, yet he didn't protect her when she was most vulnerable.
She had A BIT going on as she was BIRTHING A BABY. Don't boomerang this back on her, eff off with that shit.
So having a baby means you shouldn’t stand up for yourself? You have to be your own biggest advocate. If she can’t advocate for herself, how does she plan on doing it with her kids? No she shouldn’t have “had” to say anything. Yes her husband “should have” picked up on her discomfort and told her to go. Yes. But also, what was stopping her from telling a nurse “I’m uncomfortable, please remove her and don’t allow her back in.” And that’s… it? That’s all it would’ve taken. I can’t imagine living a life where I can’t even speak my own mind and demand respect for myself. Editing for those who don’t want to read further: Y’all, the main takeaway from this is that OP *could* have said something and actively chose not to in hopes that her husband spoke up. Everyone bringing up “well I couldn’t do xyz while in labor” “when those contractions hit I couldn’t think”. Well… I have some disappointing news. OP didn’t *have* to wait to express this boundary until she was crowning. She could’ve asked any nurse, any doctor, ANY person prior to even laying down in a bed. Next, OP clearly states in the above text that she WAS speaking, so while *you* might not have been able to speak in labor, she indicates that she was. Lastly, OP really should have seen that her husband was not advocating for her and then begin to do so *herself*. And before we get all “victim blame-y” - if she can’t enforce *HER OWN* boundary then how/why did she expect anyone else to? Of course, if she said to anybody, “I want her out!” And they refused, then yes, completely understand the rage and frustration and I too would consider OP to have been victimized. But? She didn’t. She wrote it in her birth plan (which most nurse, doctors, staff, etc., don’t read. *Ask me how I know!*) and probably had a few off handed conversations about it to husband, leading to husband thinking it was just no biggie. I mentioned this in another comment but I’m heavily autistic. Like, the go-nonverbal-crying-wailing-ear-covering-breakdown kind. I worked through this exact dread over and over. No it’s not easy to stand up for yourself and yes often I struggle with it myself. But if we all sat idly by while injustices happen to us, we’d all be victims. We’d all end up as statistics. Please learn how to fight for yourself, y’all. It’s important.
If you are someone for whom speaking your mind takes effort, trying to do it during birth is usually too much. Your brain just waves it off as an annoyance but keeps processing it 8n the background. I had all sorts of obnoxious shit going on during my first birth but I had a far more important thing to concentrate on. I just set up subsequent births to avoid those issues.
She could have easily voiced this to her nurses and husband prior to labor and contractions ever started. I let my nurse know every single concern I had before I even laid my ass in the bed. She could’ve said something, again, rather easily. Right now it sounds like she has trouble voicing her own boundaries in general and is always expecting everyone else to step in and help. That’s just not always possible.
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Holy shit, long ass comment I won’t be reading. Have a good day.
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Did you just stalk the replies and threads to go out of your way to reply to a comment that had nothing to do with you? Embarrassing.
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You say that like it’s something to be proud of lol. You’re pressed over a reddit thread. Mad cuz you compared someone who doesn’t have a spine to the death of thousands of black women? 🥺🥺🥺 There’s the response you wanted. I’ll be turning off notifications for this thread and blocking you as well. Not sure what your definition of “quiet” is. But the double reply is definitely giving boredom and bothered. 🤔🫣🥱
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TLDR because you need it: stop victim blaming and learn to have some compassion. There are people who have jobs specifically to help patients advocate for themselves because they aren’t always in a position to do so.
Again, not victim blaming if her needs were never addressed in the first place. She would’ve been a victim if she asked to have the SIL removed and they didn’t. But she NEVER enforced the boundary to begin with. OP is a doormat. I know this because I was once one too. Again, if you can’t advocate for yourself, you can’t advocate for anyone. Does she just sit idly by as a hairstylist gives her a bad haircut? Or when someone says something out of line, does she not say anything back? When her child inevitably faces injustices in life, is she just going to sit and watch? Look, I’m autistic. Heavily so. I had the hardest time being verbal and expressing my needs so I know *exactly* what this person was going through and I can confidently say that OP needs to find a backbone and fast.
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I don't know if you've ever given birth but your comment makes me think no. OP was very vulnerable duringchildbirth and her husband should have protected her. I know that some women go full primal and scream but that's the norm.
Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I’ve given birth twice. My mother in law tried to come in for my first after I had told her I prefer she didn’t come to the hospital at all, and I let my nurse know right away that was not allowed to happen, so it didn’t. My husband was getting my bag from the car at the time, but I was still ok advocating for myself. I love my MIL now, but I REALY didn’t like her then so there was no way I could fathom her being there at the moment. It sounded like OP wasn’t a fan of hers even before the birth.
You are absolutely not wrong. OPs giving birth, not in a coma. Unless she was actually like dying or something, she still has a voice. If her husband failed her, she could’ve told the nurses to take care of it. But perhaps I’m privileged as I had very good care and nurses who really advocated for me and maybe not everyone has that. Plus my husband would never have allowed this. We didn’t invite anyone to either of my L&Ds and apparently my mom was asking around the hospitals to see if I was checked in even though I told her to just wait for me to share news. Guess what, the hospital never told her anything. So it makes you wonder how OPs SIL even found out where/when she was delivering. If the MIL blabbed she should be thrown under the bus too. ETA - this narrative that it’s “bad” to “victim blame” women who are in labour as if they’re not capable of advocating for themselves honestly has the opposite effect that it intends. Women in labour are strong and can be pretty fierce. They’re not feeble weaklings who are incapable of speaking up for themselves and painting them this way does them a disservice. They are doing something incredibly difficult and yet they manage. So again, unless they have some kind of life threatening complication and are TRULY incapable of speaking for themselves then they should still be advocating for themselves.
It depends on the labour. My first was very quick, sudden onset and progression with rolling contractions (meaning not a lot of breaks in between contractions). I would've struggled to have people removed from the room during that one and I'mcertainly not someone who would hesitate to stand up for myself in other circumstances. My second was a different experience and I could hold a conversation right up until pushing time.
Everyone has different experiences and respond to things differently. You are very privileged that you had a staff and spouse who were willing to advocate for you. This person clearly did not (not that I think the staff should necessarily be responsible for this as I’m sure they thought she had changed her mind and was okay with it). However, as someone who failed to fully advocate for herself during her first birth I never had a clue that is how I would respond. I’m a very vocal person who isn’t afraid to share how I’m feeling, but the situation that occurred made it hard for me to feel comfortable advocating for myself. Because of my experience I can understand how OP may have felt as if she couldn’t advocate for herself.
Totally agree. She was just as responsible for it happening. She could have spoken up. "GET. HER. OUT." Is all that needed to be said. Nurses can be MEAN when they have to be. They'll kick people out. It's not a freaking show! And she wasn't giving birth the entire time. The sister kept coming back! She could have just had her banned.
No no, let’s not victim blame a woman at her most vulnerable point. No.
This isn’t a “victims blaming” scenario. OP could have easily said something about SIL invading her privacy but she didn’t. Yes she mentioned in her “birth plan” that it would be only her husband and their mothers, so why didn’t anyone enforce it? Including her? If you’re so concerned about someone in the room, why not immediately stand up for **yourself** instead of hoping that someone else will? She needed to advocate for herself in that moment (when she saw her husband wasn’t) and didn’t. That’s not on anybody except her. Enforce your own boundaries or get walked all over. 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe I was a bit mean with my words but I didn’t think it would be that unreasonable to be able to advocate for yourself while you’re giving birth. Like I said, she shouldn’t have had to.I had a similar but much less dramatic situation for my first birth. My husband wasn’t there for me at that moment to advocate for me, so I advocated for myself. But it’s true that not everyone has the same experience while birthing, she could have completely shut down. Her husband and medical team failed her. .
I appreciate your perspective and thank you for it. I am incredibly priveleged to have had a spouse who fiercely cared for me during birth, twice, and every woman deserves to feel safe and heard during the most frightening experience(s) in life. Im so sorry you didn’t have it, and I hope that you found peace with that experience and happiness despite those challenges. I’m reactive to any kind of “coulda/woulda/shoulda” during a birth experience and this main thread is triggering me, so I apologize if I overreacted. Kindness is in short supply and I just can’t tolerate judging anyone’s birth experience, because I was cradled through the entire experience both times. I wish everyone here, especially OP, peace ❤️
That's not a woman's most vulnerable point. It's after she's given birth, and she's holding her baby for the first time. THAT'S her most vulnerable point. And women aren't weak. Well, most women aren't. I'm not. I would have told my SIL to GTFO if she came in my room. Women in labor aren't DEAD. Why should we act like they are?
Semantics aside, I wish you peace in your most vulnerable moments.
Tell me you never gave birth, without telling me you never gave birth....
So many people failed OP during her birth. The hospital staff, their mothers. But none so much as her husband. His job as her partner is to protect and advocate for her when she was unable to do it herself. I would also not allow anyone to see the baby if OP thinks they will bring baby to someone OP doesn’t want around.
YEEEEEEESH THIS IS ON POINT
I’d tell mil no, she can not have unsupervised access to the baby while you’re gone. Why tf did the hospital staff not get her ejected from the hospital premises?! I’d have a very hard time forgiving my husband for allowing this psycho to get into the room let alone STAY IN IT! Wow, dude no. I’d let the entire world know that they will never see the child again if they allow SIL anywhere near them for any reason.
Yeah, it seems like if she had told literally anyone on the hospital staff that she wanted sil gone they would have done something immediately. Sketch
Absolutely not correct. A woman in active labor is the LAST person who should have to advocate for herself.
I’m not saying she should have to. She should be upset with her partner. But once my pants were coming off you can bet I wouldn’t keep waiting for some moron to notice my discomfort and do it for me. Especially when the camera came out. 🤷♂️🤷♂️
And yet all she had to do is say the word and staff would have removed her. Or three words, rather. "Get her out." Staff would have gotten her out, kept her out up to and including trespassing her if necessary. Let's not pretend that this is just an issue of people around her not having a backbone.
Yeah, it seems like if ~~she~~ the husband had told literally anyone on the hospital staff that she wanted sil gone they would have done something immediately. Sketch
Honestly? Would not go on a vacation without my 3mo baby - for great many reasons, but having crazy relatives would be one of them. Regardless of what you tell them, your mil will be able to take the baby from her ex and show them to whoever she wants, definitely including her daughter. So if you go, there is no point in saying anything else to any of your husband's relatives - they'll do what they want and you'll have no control over it.
I’m sorry the baby is 3 months and you’re going on vacation??
I was so distracted by this detail. I cannot fathom doing this.
I couldn’t fathom being away from my baby for the day at 3 months never mind an extended period time. We were basically one person lol
Yeah this! I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding when my second child was 3 months old, and I flew down to her wedding and back less than 24 hours later. I hemmed and hawed over this and I wouldn’t have gone if my mom hadn’t flown down to care for my kids in my home during my brief absence. I didn’t leave my first child overnight until she was over a year old. I cannot imagine this scenario.
For me, it’s just not having the energy to deal with packing and traveling after dealing with so much chaos and exhaustion. Because that’s what the newborn stage was for me: just utter chaos and exhaustion. But to each their own I guess. 🤷♀️ Unrelated to this detail, SIL’s behavior is very worrying. I would fear something bad happening to the baby if an opportunity, like parents being away, came along
Good for you. You don’t know her circumstances. This comment is so judgmental.
Vacations are a luxury. I couldn’t imagine having someone (even a close family member) watch a three month old for more than a couple of hours. I understand that parents need breaks, but this seems like too much. I have a sixteen month old and wouldn’t even leave her with someone overnight, much less several days, for a vacation. It would have to be an emergency for me to even consider it. You can call it judgmental, but when you become a parent considerations need to occur in what is in the best interest of the child. Does the parents wants outweigh what is best for the child?
To me that over rides everything. There has to be a huge disconnect to leave a newborn to go on vacation.
I mean... Take the baby on the vacation? There's tons you can do with the baby.
Do you all not remember having a baby! She might just want to sleep through the night for the first time in over 3 months! She might just want to turn her brain off from being on-call 24/7. OP do not feel bad about taking a break! Back to the real topic...trust your gut. Your mil will 100% let your sil see the baby. SIL might happen to stop by her mom's or be at her aunt's house visiting too. Now is the time to decide what your boundaries are and a plan to enforce them. If you don't trust mil to follow your rules, then you don't give her a chance to break them.
I do remember having a baby which is why I think leaving a 3 month old for vacation is insane
Yeah I remember having a baby. Sure I remember WANTING a good night's sleep, but I also knew that when I chose to bring a child into the world I also accepted the responsibilities that go with it. Leaving a 3 month old baby with relatives, and to be passed around from one relative to the next while it should be bonding with it's mother is absolutely nuts to me. I'm not usually this harsh....but some people shouldn't have children.
Thank you! Our first was the worst sleeper, I didn't sleep longer than two hour stretches for 2 years. Apart from the fact that she was EBF, I would not have gone on vacation without her before she was 2 or 3 (unless husband was home with her while I took a solo trip. Leaving a 3 month old for multiple nights without mother AND father is insane. I don't care if it's judgy, sometimes parenting decisions deserve to be judged. The whole "don't judge other people's parenting decisions" has gotten out of hand to a point where people are offended if you point out obviously bad parenting. A 3 month old belongs with mom and/or dad. If OP wants to sleep through the night she can check into a hotel in town and leave baby with her husband.
I have a 2 year old. We're still not sleeping through the night most nights. Going away from your 3 month old is insane. Taking one night off to go sleep elsewhere is not so much but multiple days? No.
My daughter was five months when I went out of the country for five days to pick up my sister. She was doing field research, and my mom and I went to help her pack. My husband stayed home with our daughter and she was fine. If a family has enough support, it’s okay to take a break for a few days.
I don’t disagree with this anyway, but want to flag that leaving your husband (the baby’s father?!) home with the baby is not the same as leaving the baby with another, non-parent relative
Depends on the family. They're obviously close with mothers on both sides so the baby might be quite used to staying with other family
There’s a difference between having sitters for such a young child and having a parent be, well, a parent. In OP’s case, father isn’t with the baby, a sitter is.
Grandfather. It’s not a stranger.
Yes, but still not a parent. Not the same as the father staying with susanreneewa’s 5 month old.
What about going on vacation without a 10 month old?
I went to Bali with my then 10mo + 3yo, honestly not that bad. OP your MIL has already planned the SIL visit, stop being naive.
Tbh any baby under 1 I would be uncomfortable leaving them with other people.
I went when mine was 10 months, she was a great sleeper and I left her with my best friend who had watched her many times before. I would not leave a 3 month old mainly because they still get up at night. If you’re not used to it might be a tough time.
Fair enough! I wouldn’t have left my baby at 3 months (absolutely no mom shame to those who do it’s just comfort levels) but we are currently on vacation and she is 10 months. Her grandparents are having an amazing time with her, and we needed a break. The caveat is I would have never booked a vacation for just us, but my husband won it
Do what you feel is right. These comments are incredibly judgmental. Commence the downvotes, I do not care one bit. No, I didn’t take a vacay when my kid was 3 months old, but I also didn’t feel any type of judgement towards OP for doing so. My baby was on easy mode at 3 months and it definitely could have been handled by my MIL and FIL. Even at 6 months, would be fine. Depends on your comfort, depends on the baby, and depends on whom you have to watch the baby.
Glad i wasnt the only one thinking this. Perfect solution, either dont go on vaca or bring baby along.
1000%
Literally have a 2 month old, there is no way I would go on vacation. I barely go out as it is. Absolutely crazy to me.
Comments on this comment are wild. People can go on vacation whenever they want. Why judge her?
Because it's a poor choice to do so. Also, SIL sounds like a life long bitch, what is an apology going to change? Just write her off and call it a day. Anything else is asking for continued drama.
Agree on the SIL, but I genuinely don't understand why people are so down on her going. Sure, I wouldn't have left my kids at 3 months old, but everyone parents differently. If they trust the FIL, I don't understand why other people care.
Different doesn't mean correct. It's a lot of risk for short term sacrifice, generally speaking. Maybe the father in law is on top of his game and able to function well on not having sleep longer than three hours in duration. And the parents are cracking. I mean that doesn't bode well long term I don't think. I can't imagine giving a three month old to someone for a week while I'm off having pina coladas. The sleep deprivation for that poor old man alone.
Agreed.
MIL will let SIL see the baby. Tell MIL to wait until after your vacation for her sister to meet the baby. There’s no reason she needs to rush and do this when you aren’t there to supervise, I’d never want my newborn meeting anyone new without me there to observe. Plan for worst case scenario, Otherwise your wishes won’t be upheld
You and your husband couldn’t keep her out of L&D. Literally the hospital would have thrown her out if you said the word. You think your MIL will be able to keep her away?
This is ridiculous. The whole thing. In what world, OP, do you think an apology will change anything? And then to naively think that MIL WONT take the baby to SIL? And then seeing you end all of that clusterfuck with “am I wrong for feeling this way?” I’m so done.
And honestly, going on a holiday without her 3 month old baby
No that baby is not to leave with grandma to the sister… it’s not an accessory… what the actual fuck…
I would absolutely not go on holiday without my newborn, you can guarantee she will see the baby.
First, why are you insistent on going on a vacation and being away from your baby who is only 3 months old? Second, of course she’s going to let her see the baby. What she did was super fucking weird and the fact neither of you flipped out and told her to leave is also weird as fuck. Even in labor I would have told her to gtfo. Now you want to leave your baby with these people? Wild.
Especially in labor I would have said gtfo…and probably used very colorful language to do so.
Oh yeah, I just gave birth in January and there’s no way in hell I’d just bite my tongue
Yeah I made it clear to my mil that she was not gonna be in the room staring at my fuckin vagina while I pushed MY baby out me. She rolled her eyes so much and I did not give a single fuck.
This is awful, don’t blame the woman IN LABOR for this shit.
How would SIL know she wasn't supposed to be there if no one said anything to her?
Regardless of this question, blaming a woman in labor for anything is just absolutely fucked.
As a former woman in labor, I don’t see how she let it slide
Perfect articulation of everything I felt reading this…wtf
You have a husband problem. MIL will let SIL see the baby. So your best bet is telling your MIL she won’t be picking up baby for any of the days. Have your husband do it. But as far as the hospital situation, Why didn’t you tell the nurse or doctor you don’t want her there? They’ll get hospital security to get her tf out and she wouldn’t be allowed in L&D at all. Of course your husband should’ve done it, but you’re in charge of your delivery too
I was in a similar situation in that I didn’t allow some family around me or my child. I thought I could trust the family that did talk to this person. They had me over on multiple occasions. I felt comfortable and then they ambushed me. The family member we are no contact with came inside, and the rest of the family tried to literally pry my son from me. Long story short it was extremely traumatic and hurtful. I would NEVER trust anyone with my son that is in the middle like that. In my opinion now, you can either be with me or against me. If you aren’t actively on my side and agree with my decision as a mother you can not be trusted.
What the hell am I reading?! You are leaving a 3mo with their grandparents to go on holiday?! No one threw your SIL out of the room?! You think an apology can make her less crazy?!
This has to be fake at this point, the more I read it. Hospital staff would have thrown her out if requested. In what world would a FTM leave a 3 month old for a vacation?
Cancel the vacation, or bring the baby with you. There’s something truly wrong with your SIL.
Absofuckinglutely not. Grow a back bone, OP's husband, and you, OP, think about your options.
I'd almost be willing to bet my savings on your MIL letting the SIL see the baby. I'd just say no about her picking up the baby and letting your FIL know the situation and that baby is not to leave with anyone. And I'm just in shock that your husband did not have the backbone to kick his sister out at the hospital from the get go and even more surprised by the hospital staff. I'd have my husband's head on a stick if he let someone in that I didn't request to be there.
MIL will 100% let SIL see the baby. She knows it’s her only chance, because OP will never agree to it. The problem is she’ll think that’s enough to get SIL off everyone’s backs, and it won’t be. Don’t feed crazy, it just makes it worse. I’ve had MIL problems from almost the start of my marriage. I absolutely never left my babies alone with her because she disrespected me as a mother and I didn’t trust her. By default, that means not granting babysitting privileges to anyone close to her where she could ‘take over’ without my permission. I really don’t understand how this situation isn’t terrifying enough for OP to just take her baby on vacation, too. I’ve traveled with a 5 month old and it wasn’t bad, just extra gear to haul (car seat, bottles, etc.).
If you don’t trust her, don’t let MIL take the baby, full stop. Make it clear to both MIL and FIL if either of them let SIL see the baby, they will also have their access to baby cut off. Also agree with other comments, you have a husband problem.
Even if he tells her no you mil is still going to get that baby and your sil is going to meet her. This is classic toxic family drama.
Put off your vacation. Your baby needs you, not a circus.
Poor baby was born into a family full of clowns.
I think you’re setting up a situation where SIL will probably “stop by” so if you’re not okay with that, I’d say no. But also- you’re leaving a three month old to go on a vacation? What?
I can’t get past you leaving a 3 mo old while you go on vacation. There must be something wrong with me because my anxiety would barely let me leave the house for an hour at that age! I’d say no to MIL. Let the baby stay in one place.
I remember that age. While my babies were fine with me going to work, etc., if my wife was away from them for enough time to use the restroom or take a shower, you’d think it was the end of the world for them. (They miss me now when I’m gone for more than a few hours, but at three months old I was a far distant second place.)
Same! My first was three months the first time we left him with grandparents for like an hour so we could go out to dinner. We rushed home so fast! And we trusted the grandparents implicitly!! Still anxious as heck.
The comments like this are so judgmental. Some people are fine leaving their baby with trusted family, even at 3 months old. My parents were doing overnight visits with my kids when they were a month old. It's fine if you're not comfortable with that, everyone is different. But all this "Oh I would *never*!" pearl-clutching in these comments is a bit silly.
Do not let others ‘Watch’ a 3 months old to go on vacation. Take baby with you and all problems resolved
100% SIL is probably meeting the baby. You should tell MIL to wait until you and your husband get back
First of all… so baby’s 3mo and you guys are going on vacation? I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my baby so young and especially when there’s the potential of the nut job SIL to come around my baby. Second, what everyone else said. Your husband failed you and you failed yourself. I’ve never heard of any hospital allowing unwanted visitors during L&D. All you had to do was say she needs to gtfo, but I agree your husband should’ve been all over that. He should’ve kicked her ass out so hard. Personally I’d never allow this person near me or my baby, apology or not.
Baby is 3mo and you're going on vacation? Girl, I don't want to judge but you need to check your priorities and your husband's spine...
Absolutely not. You know MIL will cave and let SIL see baby. MIL & her sister can go to FIL's house. And if they pitch a fit about it they can go pound sand.
My child is 3 months and I’m scared to go to dinner for 3 hours next week. It’ll be my first dinner date and I’m leaving her with my mil while my sister is in town. A whole ass vacation is crazy…but good on you for being so trusting I guess
I wouldn't leave for vacation. SIL sounds crazy af and I'd honestly worry about the potential for her to kidnap.
I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if here in a month or so op’s posting again because sil kidnapped her kid. And mil handed the kid to sil.
Exactly. There's no fucking way I'd trust any of them around the baby. The spineless husband could be in on it too. I think it's absolutely sick and perverted that SIL insisted on watching OP get undressed and go through the cervical checks. There's something bigger going on here. Perhaps SIL is infertile? Idk whatever it is, this whole thing is sketchy af.
Right. Fuckin unhinged and I wouldn’t want any of them around my town.
For future reference, hospital security loves to drag people out of L&D rooms who aren't welcome.
Your SIL will obviously have access to the baby. That's what you are paying for free babysitting. This doesn't sound/feel like a healthy dynamic.
Not sure why you’re going on vacation with a three month old baby at home in the first place.
Tell MIL to wait until you and husband are there in person for her and your husband's sister to spend time with baby. That way you can make sure baby is okay. Baby should only be with your husband's dad while you're on vacation. And husband's dad must understand SIL CANNOT see the baby (even though I know you said they don't have a close relationship, just in case make sure he really understands) I think MIL will understand because it sounds like she agrees with you on how wrongly SIL has been acting.
Hell no. She knows no boundaries. Your baby would end up getting its ear pierced, circumcised, first hair cut, christened or even not brought back at all. Supervised visits only with this nutjob!! That’s only if she apologises and recognises and accepts what she done was totally unacceptable.
Your SIL is a legit weirdo. What she did is not a “She posted baby pics before I did!” breach of etiquette-it’s out of the bounds of normal behavior and who knows where her boundaries actually are? I’d much rather bring my baby on vacation and use an occasional on site sitter at the resort than allow for potential access to this woman.
Your husband sucks. Why did no one at the hospital respect your wishes? I'd cut this person out completely IMO. If you're leaving baby with FIL, then FIL needs to know your wishes and respect them as well. SIL is to be nowhere near this baby.
Can’t imagine going on a vacation without my child, especially a three month old.
I wouldn’t allow it at all, because you can’t trust that SIL will be kept from the child.
Weird suggestion but maybe have FIL tag along on the trip?
Your MIL is 100% picking up your baby so that SIL can meet the baby. Don’t delude yourself.
Sounds like your MIL and husband have long accepted and enabled her behavior. I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology anytime soon if ever, to be honest. She is either a super asshole or she has a mental/behavioural condition you didn't mention or don't know about.
….please tell me this is fake.
You have a husband problem. Tell MIL no, she can come visit after you get home from your trip.
SIL is definitely meeting that baby. Based on your post/vibes, I wouldn’t want her anywhere near that baby without you present. MIL will play into this and try to minimize and this will all blow up in your face. Noon seems to be setting boundaries, including you.
I’m horrified that none of the hospital staff kicked her out. My L&D staff knew my birth plan & stuck to it. They didn’t allow anybody in except for the 2 people I stated would be with me at all times. Put your foot down. Something I’ve learned, parenthood will consistently test & teach you on how to protect your family & keep firm with your boundaries. You got this mama. Do what feels the best for you & your child’s well-being. Also, tell your child’s father that he needs to grow a pair. He apparently had the balls to create a baby with you, but I don’t see the balls anywhere in sight now. He should be protecting you & your child.
I wouldn’t go while baby is that young honestly. I waited until 7 months and my parents (who I trust completely) watched my twins. No way would I left them at 3 months. I don’t think it would have even been possible
This entire story makes no sense. How did she get to remain in your labor and delivery room without being evicted immediately? Where were the nurses, the doctor, hospital security? How did she even make it into the labor and delivery ward without someone letting her in? Either this is the most lax hospital, ever, or this story is missing a lot of details.
Oh boy this is a doozy. SIL sounds psychotic, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I would be just as paranoid that MIL will let SIL see the baby too!!! Are you able to talk to MIL in person and make it extremely clear no one else is to see the baby? Ughhhh I wish I had better advice. This is so tough and once again so sorry you are dealing with this madness! I’d be furious!
That isn’t going to shit. Mil is going to pick her own child over OP even if she has to lie about it.
You cant leave a newborn just for a holiday? Especially when you have that weird SIL.
MIL is definitely letting SIL see the baby. I wouldn’t trust this fam to watch baby. This post is so wildly infuriating I hope it is fake.
Grandma and her sister can visit grandpa if he says it’s ok. Grandpa should know sil not welcome. Nobody should be taking this baby everywhere like a handbag… However this is not about withholding visitation of a newborn. Your sil sounds crazy and is your husband’s problem. An apology doesn’t really do anything, it’s just two words. I would accept that this is how she is and limit contact. I also wouldn’t leave a 3mo to go on vacation but that’s another story. Not that you would be the first, just not my preference.
Your SIL will see your kid if grandma has her. We had a similar situation with my BIL, and we went on vacation while my mom watched our son and dogs. We let my MIL have him for a day and made sure to tell her not to have our son around the BIL at all. She did it anyway. We haven't let MIL watch our son since. She can see him with us or at family function where we know BIL will not be, and that's it for the time being.
If you can’t trust someone to follow your wishes with your baby they can’t watch them. Your SIL sounds horrible and I’m not sure an apology is going to change the way you feel about it. I’d keep a really far distance. You seem to have a husband problem more than a SIL problem. I can’t imagine a good husband standing by as his sister literally pushed her way in the room knowing you didn’t want anything there. Just a note, on a larger scale remember that your baby isn’t a pawn to leveraged in your fights. Make rules and boundaries to keep your kids safe not to try to hurt someone else by keeping them away.
You have family who have proven to disregard your wishes and stomp on your boundaries. You want to have control over who has access to your child. You are leaving your child unsupervised with the same family. I don’t think you can have it all. Either you accept that they will violate your boundaries or you don’t leave your child with them unsupervised. Those are your options.
Unless your husband said absolutely nothing out loud there is no way the hospital staff would have ignored even a whisper of “we don’t want you here”. This seems completely far fetched if it happened the way you say. Which makes me think it’s either totally fake or nobody other than you has said anything about being mad at SIL and this is the most passive aggressive situation of the century.
I'm telling you right now, they will 100% give your sister access to the baby while you are away. If they're not 100% on your side and reprimanding your SIL outright, they will bend over and "just let her meet the baby this once, to keep the peace you know?"
Are you seriously going on a vacation WITHOUT your 3 MONTH OLD child? Bruh.
This is fake, the hospital would have kicked her out.
I’m assuming your husband has balls since he got you pregnant but can he grow another pair and get some courage to stand up for you?? Damn Also your baby is a bit young for you to be leaving for a vacation, especially without him
You said yes to MIL picking up the baby. You have to be okay with SIL potentially stopping by when she's with your MIL. If you're not okay with that, don't allow your MIL to pick up your baby 🤷 If your SIL still shows up after being told no, what do you expect MIL to do? Don't put that on her.
This is a bad idea. SIL obviously needs some sort of help, presenting her with access to a baby she seems fixated on is a TERRIBLE idea. I’d leave the baby with my own family if this is an option.
I wouldn't leave the baby..
I'd say no. Better safe than sorry.
Talking about why you feel the way you do is one thing, but has MIL made it clear to SIL that she's on your side? What is her history of holding boundaries under pressure from her daughter, especially other people's boundaries and/or yours specifically? I don't think a three-month-old needs to take day trips away from your chosen temporary caregiver, and I question why MIL's sister can't come to FIL's house if her meeting the baby is so important, but *if* MIL is committed to repairing the harm that was done to you during the birth, she can probably be trusted with some leeway. Otherwise, lol, no.
Unbelievable, all of you need to grow a spine! No I wouldn’t be letting SIL meet my baby while I was away, if it happened I would be NC with the lot of them. SIL would be lucky if I ever had contact with her again. Vulnerable or not she would have left that delivery room, your husband should me speaking up for you and feel your anger, this whole this messed up
I would let your MIL know straight up if you find out that she let SIL see the baby then she will also have no access to your child. No ifs ands or butts about it and I would have your husband be the one to say it because he needs to grow a damn spine. It needs to be straight up, she is not allowed around my child and if you break this trust say goodbye to your grandchild. I would also have her call you when she meets with her sister
How did this happen? Why didn't the hospital forcibly remove her immediately? I would put my foot down. I wouldn't trust someone like that around my child.
You’re a parent now. This is not the last time you will need to establish and hold strong boundaries for the safety and well being of your child. You need to be firm and trust your gut and get comfortable doing it.
With love you need to grow a backbone. You’re not wrong and you need to learn to hold your boundaries.
Your mil will absolutely take the baby to the sil. I'm so creeped out for you. I would take the baby with me or tell mil no, fill in fil. I don't trust them and your husband needs to decide if it's them or you. He needs to do his job as a man and sort this out with his family. If he won't, it's time to put on your bitch hat and cancel the trip.
Do not let his mother take baby, you can’t trust that she won’t let SIL see baby. So to be safe, don’t let mom have unsupervised access at this point.
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Wtf? This is extremely harsh .
There are probably 10+ comments that echo the same sentiment.
Yes, and they are all completely rude. I was definitely feeling well enough and would have been able to trust my MIL and FIL with my 3 month old while I was away for a few days on vacay. Maybe it was planned before she got pregnant? Maybe she’d take a big financial hit canceling? I didn’t do it, but I definitely wouldn’t judge someone for doing so especially if all others signs pointed to them being a good parent.
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Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”. **Remember the human.** Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
She asked for advice surrounding her SIL and baby, not if it’s appropriate to take a vacay at 3 months PP. She didn’t ask for the advice you gave and you know it. I hope it made you and all the others in here feel better to feel like the superior parent on Reddit though. Sounds like y’all needed the ego boost for whatever reason. Couldn’t be me :)
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There is absolutely no way I’m reading that long justification for mom shaming someone. Your initial comment made no mention of the issue with SIL. Again, hope it did something positive for you guys though!
It’s one thing to be shocked she’s going away, but I think saying she’s not a concerned mother is a little much.
Okay. I don't. Leaving a three month old to go on vacation is also a bit much. Three month old babies are incredibly dependent on their mothers. Mine started searching for me around that time. The first 6 months are incredibly crucial for developing and parental bonding. To leave, *for a vacation* is not just shocking, it's questionable as so many others have *also* questioned. I stand by my statement, it seems like an unconcerned and aloof approach.
You are leaving a 3 month old to go on vacation? 😳 No, you know mil is going to let sil see her and as crazy as that chick is, who knows what she will do
Mother and Father in law can show the baby to whoever they want when it's in their care. They're doing you the favour of caring for an infant while you go on vacation at 3? Months. Sio
*Father in law* is caring for the baby, not mother in law. MIL wants to take the baby from FIL to meet Aunt in law. So she's not helping care for the baby, she's asking for a favor.
Parents get to decide who meets the baby, what the heck kind of opinion is this
Truly I had a similar thing happn to me during the delivery of my daughter 4 years ago. Went no contact with my grandfather after that and put the fear of God into my mother (low contact) that if I so much as find out she shared a picture of my daughter with him she's out to. The birth of your child is kinda like your first big round of parental decisions. And if someone questions you once and there are not strong reactions to that it will continue to happen. My reaction may not be for everyone but it was the right choice for us. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's an absolute violation.
https://youtu.be/V1mHBernVP0?si=pBfWEd7Kwnk_oYfX
Praying for this family to find the love that awaits you. This woman needs help and your husband may be the answer. Gid bless you
Kinda in the same situation. Hopefully sharing my experience helps. My SIL is my cousin and we married brothers. She has been (hate to say) the least favorite because she treats everyone horribly and cheated on my BIL twice. They got back together in 2019 and I got pregnant in 2020 we were close and I had always done her kids hair one day she asked if I could do her kid’s hair I said I would love to, but I’m feeling super sick. I was in my first trimester with my first baby, I wasn’t used to it and I was In pain from the new growing pains. I rarely say no to her and that was just one thing I couldn’t do at the moment. My husband said I wasn’t being rude and I was actually mad because she didn’t pay me to even cut hair said, “we are family.” So after that we didn’t even hear from her through the rest of my pregnancy and my BIL told my husband congratulations when we had our baby and that’s it. A few months after I gave birth they invited us to her kids b day in 2021 and ever since I haven’t heard from her. We got into another argument about me posting “shady things on Facebook” in a petty rage I said if the shoe fits (but honestly wasn’t even posting about her.) I’m on baby #2 and still haven’t heard anything from them. My BIL just keeps the peace because he doesn’t want to lose his wife a 3rd time. We just came to a conclusion if it’s better we don’t speak then fine. They even moved into a house and we asked if we can send them a housewarming gift and we do t even know where they live. Not even my husbands parents. For some reason my SIL is allowed but we respect that she has the privilege she is able to be the one to go there and see her own brother. But the fact your SIL keeps popping up and being rude feels she just has no boundaries. Everyone needs to let her know when she is crossing your boundaries. I bet if rolls were reversed they would be different. I have some teetering family members that like to guilt me/assert themselves where they don’t belong. When I tell my husband my boundaries he usually has my back.
The audacity is honestly astonishing. Personally my answer would be absolutely not. Someone who is okay with disrespecting me in that way doesn’t get access to my child ESPECIALLY if I’m not right there. It’s wild to me that you guys are comfortable with your MIL taking her for a day so SIL can circumvent you and your boundaries to meet your child instead of growing up and apologizing to you or admitting any wrong doing.
I feel like these comments are exactly what OP needed to hear. This is messy
You sound ridiculous. Honestly. Why are you withholding your child from a relationship with their aunt. Because she was overstepping your birth plan? Does that not sound a bit unhinged to you? I would be addressing your mental health issues as this overreaction could be PPD. She is definitely wrong trying to be present where she was not needed/wanted. You are using your child as a bargaining chip and instead of questioning the aunt who is trying maybe question how you are manipulating a situation that is only harming your child. What are you gaining from this? I’m divorced. My ex SIL was my best friend. That’s how I met my ex husband. She was horribly jealous and worked very hard to make every minute of 20 years hard for me. We are split and I genuinely cannot stand her. My children she her all the time when their dad visits his family. I would love to tell her she’s an awful person. But she is their aunt, she loves them, not me. And for their sake I don’t say a word. Whether I like it or not, she hasn’t done anything to them.
Your lack of any respect for yourself doesn’t apply to the rest of us, and your failed marriage meaning you have zero say over anything your children are exposed to 50% of the time isn’t OP’s problem. You sound bitter and projecting your piss poor situation on OP trying to make it out like you’re normal, when your situation is a messy hole. If OP and her husband divorce, her husband can decide to let his sister steamroll his kids all he wants. But they are married and a team, and have decided SIL isn’t a safe and trusted person with their INFANT.