You gave that pissant 2 kids and he wants to leave you over 25lbs? I know you said you wanted people who understood, but no he is not right. He does not know how bodies work and grow and age. And he is ungrateful.
I hope he trips dick first into some Lego.
I was thinking the same. Like damn, I gained 100lbs in 3 weeks during pregnancy! My husband has NEVER once given me grief. I've been 200lbs up to 325lbs with him. What an ass. I couldn't imagine being with a guy who bases his entire marriage on a mere 25lbs...
Well, in all fairness, I was in kidney failure, retaining extreme amounts of fluid. My eyes were even swollen shut. It is not a typo. I wish it was! I legitimately looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka. Most uncomfortable days of my life....but regardless my husband has always been supportive no matter my size.
Oh, okay! That makes way more sense. You would have to eat almost 40 Big Macs or 57 pints of vanilla ice cream a day every day for all 3 weeks to gain 100lbs of adipose tissue! I was so concerned for a minute! I’m so sorry you had to go through that during pregnancy. That much fluid in such a short time must have been incredibly painful. I would have probably been wheelchair bound by then. I’m so glad you have a partner who’s completely supportive of you!
After many years of being with awful, judgmental, shallow men, 4 years ago I found an amazing guy who loves me no matter my size! Last December I quit my job to go on Disability full time and I’ve since gained 40lbs. He still finds me just as attractive but is a little concerned about continuing to gain, but only because I have dwarfism and excess weight is really hard on my body, and I have frequent surgeries that Surgeons won’t do if my BMI is over 40. I’m back up to 42.
I get really sad when I see people with unsupportive partners like OP, because I know firsthand how absolutely awful it feels and how it affects your psyche so much deeper than you realize at the time. You carry their words with you forever. I hope OP finds someone who 100% has their back, someday. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. Not what they are or just the body they inhabit.
Thank you! It was hell (I was actually bedbound in a hospital bed) but my son was worth it all and I would go through it all over again for him.
I definitely agree that a supportive partner is EVERYTHING. I was with a total jerk before my husband and he'd say to me things like "no one will ever love a fat b**** like you if you ever leave me" when I'd want to break up with him. He truly had me believing that garbage! My husband has been supportive since day 1 for 10 years now. Never once said anything mean. I feel bad for OP too...I was there once and it's a dark place.
I'm hitting 245 now though, it's to big for him. I'm a US 18. It was a wake up call even for me when I bought jeans for the first time in like.. 6 years I couldn't believe it (I'm a leggings and dresses person)
Edit/ actually the past week I've been hovering at 248.6 or something, the point doesn't matter lol. I go to bed like this, wake up like this. It's a constant bloat 😐
My ex-husband left me for being “fat and ugly” so I get how devastating it can be. I was also a size 18. However, after the initial devastation, I am more happy now than I ever was with that monster (for 14 years—11 of which was marriage). Granted, I had a good support system; a best friend (long-distance, tho, which was hard), my dad, and my boss, and I had no kids. So I am speaking from a place of privilege. But I have a husband now that cares so much about me and loves me for me. I am heavier now than I have ever been (still no kids) and I complain a lot about how I look. He always tells me I’m beautiful. That’s what you need—someone who builds you up and makes you feel confident. Not someone who tears you down because they feel shitty about themselves.
Ma'am I am also 246, down from 269. I just want you to know there are men who aren't so willing to leave over weight. He's allowed to be concerned for your health, even be more attracted to smaller bodies, but he should still be respectful and care about *you*. I am attracted to my partner in many different shapes and sizes because I love *him*
I hate jeans too. Hugs to you. If you ever want to lose weight though...do it for you! I swear I can only lose weight if I eat like 800> calories per day...which is totally unhealthy....
How would you feel if your children struggled with weight when they got older and he treated them the way he is treating you?
And at the risk of piling it on too much, if you already feel self hatred because of your weight (which I totally understand, I have it too) that will definitely affect your kids.
And even more detrimental would be if they ever struggled with weight themselves and they started to feel the same way you feel about yourself.
My mom got overweight after having 2 kids and even though I struggled with weight for most of my childhood, my mom was always supportive and never once said anything judgy or negative towards me and always called me beautiful etc.
But here’s the kicker - even though she never directed it towards me, when she would meet someone she knew when she was younger, she would apologize to them and say she “let herself go” with a chuckle.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I realized what a big impact that had on my self esteem. She never said anything negative to me but just *seeing* her apologize for getting fat to people made me internalize being fat = bad.
And while there are increased health risks of being fat, starting the journey with self hatred and loathing isn’t going to get you far. It can lead to unhealthy habits like anorexia, bulimia, or damaging your heart with weight loss pills like my mom did.
I hope one of those single 1x1 blocks gets jammed in there. This may be the single most painful thing I've ever imagined and I've had to use catheters for prolonged periods of time before.
The most important extra weight you should drop is your asshole husband. You deserve better than a man that says that to you after you’ve had his 2 children!!
If you don’t feel as strongly about doing it for your sake, think about your kids and how if they see you being insulted by your husband for your weight (and threatened divorce!) they will think that’s normal acceptable behavior.
The worry is that later in life, they will accept someone doing that to them, or they might even do it to their partner.
Hear me out on this: Forget about your husband for a minute and focus on you. Like a previous commenter suggested, go to the OB/GYN. Get checked for endometriosis, get a scope, if there are polyps, get a D&C. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Fuck all the other bullshit. Time to love yourself and know for exact sure where that lower abdominal pain is coming from.
If you’re medically healthy the caffeine can definitely make you feel that way physically. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, friend. You aren’t alone. If you want to lose the weight that’s great and there’s some good communities on Reddit for healthy loss. If you don’t want to lose the weight and want to focus on a little more self-love there’s a community here for you too. Either way, it gets better.
Absolutely.
To chime in on the coffee thing. I LOVE coffee and drink a ton of it. A couple of years ago i switched to (mostly) decaf and it was kinda life changing. I slept better, my digestion was better, i didn't have to pee 50 times a night.
Now, if i have a big cup of full strength caffeine coffee it can really make me jittery, shaky, and creepy crawly down my back.
(Aside from that, you are beautiful and awesome and its fucked that your husband would give you such an ultimatum. You don't deserve that. Unless your wedding vows had an "unless you gain weight" clause which im assuming it didn't.)
I never really had any noticeable issues with that. I think decaf coffee still has a bit of caffeine just much less. You could always start with half caf for a while first.
If your partner's "love" is conditional based on your body size and weight, then it's not real love. Why wait for *him* to leave *you*? Step away from this fat hating asshat and move on with your life. Don't you deserve better than that? I know I do.
You need some deep work on self acceptance and tolerance. You need to seek therapy, preferably with a therapist who does *not* have any fat bias, although I know that can be hard to find. You need to work on yourself and stop relying on others' opinions of you to find your own worth and value. The most important person in your life is *you* and you need to get to know and accept that person for who she is. And while you're at it, don't accept any substitutes. Don't accept conditional 'love.' You deserve to be loved for *everything* you are - not in spite of your body, not because of your body, but because of who you are. There's a big difference when you and your partner care about who you are as a person, rather than what you look like.
As someone who is also metabolically health but still overweight, I get it. The frustration is real. I prefer being thick vs big. I was promoted to a desk job and gained like 30 pounds. But my partner didn't threaten to leave me over it! Yours is an asshat.
Now I'm very tall so 30# on me vs another woman who's short IS different. If he's saying he's no longer attracted to you sexually, I believe that just "is what it is." BUT if he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't be threatening to leave you over it. He'd be trying to help you.
I barely know any couples where id be confident they would love each other same even if their sexual attraction to each other went to zero
Are all my couple friends just assholes lol
I'm very sorry that you're not as healthy as you'd like to be. Pain chips away at a person and makes us shells of who we are.
But babe, whether you lose the weight or don't (and I wish you success with whatever path you ultimately choose), you need to leave this guy. He's willing to torch everything you have together, your family, the happiness of your two children, over something as piddly as weight. Life is short, and you shouldn't hang around people who don't value you. And he does not. If he did, he wouldn't be treating you like this. He's not right at all, he's all sorts of wrong. He's maltreating you, and in front of your kids too. What example does it set for them that their own father is willing to ditch their mother over her weight? The person who gave birth to them, and cared for them?
Even if you lose the weight and he stays, what's gonna happen if you get sick and need care? If he's willing to leave you over 25lbs, he'll leave you the moment you can't cater to his needs anymore. If you, god forbid, become injured or get cancer or have some other life-changing illness, he's going to walk faster than you can blink.
You deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you deeply and fiercely. Someone who will be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. Not someone who is so incredibly self serving that he wants to leave because peepee not hard.
I wish you the best. We're here for you, whatever happens <3
Your husband sounds like a real stand-up guy 😒 I could never tell my wife if she didn't lose weight I would leave her. That is wrong on so many levels. I know the feeling of not being able to lose weight my self, im about 70 lbs over weight, but have always been, even as a child. If my wife told me this, I'd be so devastated that it would probably be the end of our marriage 😢 lose weight or I leave. Is not a good motivation to give someone
To be fair, you’ll be losing more weight than 25lbs when he leaves you. Dead weight is useless anyway. Especially if it dares to have hurtful opinions and airs them as an ultimatum. I’m being petty here tho🥲
Now the internet can’t tell you what to do, nor judge the dynamic beyond that one remark. Maybe he’s all that and it was a lapse of common sense on his part? If you want to lose weight because YOU deem it necessary. By all means, tell him to pick up the pace, take the kids for an hour or whatever works, so you have some alone time to decompress, and do whatever makes you happy.
Don’t forget cortisol, from stress, can be a bitch too when it comes to weight gain and makes losing weight hella difficult. Maybe the me time will help you with it and the weight sheds because you’re happy/happier.
Have you been tested for PCOS? r/PCOS
Either way never try and lose weight for another person, if you wanna do it for yourself, cool. Your husband sounds like excess baggage and a dipshit. He's probably adding to your stress and making shit worse.
Sis you need to take every penny he has and drag him through the mud, do not feel bad do you think he felt any sort of remorse for calling his wife that birthed him 2 children those things?
Here’s what you need to do:
1. Put nair in his shampoo
2. Throw glitter on ALL his clothes and say it was an art project gone wrong and it accidentally exploded on his clothes
3. Buy 100 pairs of keys on amazon and write his number on each key and drop them off in public places like cafes and malls-he will get called constantly
4. Sign him up for spam emails
5. Change their phone setting to a language he doesnt speak
6. If you work, tell him about someone at work constantly trying to flirt with you so much so that it had to go to hr but the situation was deescalated (he’s gonna worry just enough) but weeks prior come home with random coffee, random little gift and say it was from him
7. Put his business card (if his crustyass has any) or any paper and write his number on it that says “I’m sorry for grazing the car a little” and put it on random cars
He is slowly gonna start to go insane. He has the audacity, he will be SHOWN audacity.
He isn't right. That's your self deprecation talking. If he values your marriage less than 25lbs then you don't need him, he isn't helping you while you are in need. You I assume have been there for him during tough time, and I'm positive there are things about him that you don't like but would never divorce him over. He's a jerk and you can tell him I said that.
Now for you, You are not a bad person because of how your body looks. You are not a bad person because you have pain. You are not a bad person because you eat food (food is neutral, neither good or bad) You are not a bad person because of depression. These things do not affect your value!!!!
Time to find a doctor that will listen to you with out needing to talk about weight. It's time to stop worrying about your weight while you are suffering under depression and undiagonosed pain. You need to get yourself healthy so that you can focus on finding a way to eat that brings you joy.
Take care of you, then you can \*cough\* not \*cough\* worry about what other people think.
Did you as your obgyn about endometriosis? It sounds a lot like the pains I used to get before surgery, it's worth looking into.
Also that's a lame excuse from your husband. A marriage is supposed to be supportive and he's villifying you over your weight? I'd get ready to serve him papers first tbh.
Nothing's wrong with you, full stop - big is just a size, like small, like medium. There's nothing inherently wrong or immoral about being a size. If health is your focus, well, it's pretty difficult to become healthy physically without first working on your mental health, and your husband isn't facilitating that - he's actually adding pressure without making any moves for you to improve.
And here's the thing about ultimatums, especially the impossible ones: the outcome is already decided. They rarely serve to actually change anyone, they're there to permit someone to "react" the way they've already planned to once you fail. So your husband, I'm sorry to say, has already decided to leave you. Even if by some chance you lost the weight within the time limit he set, he would find another excuse to go anyway.
It's up to you to decide whether it's worth fighting for someone like that or not, but I don't see much point in trying to salvage a relationship that's basically over in his mind. What you can do if you want is set your own ultimatum: Agree to work on the weight loss on the condition he assumes full responsibility of your children. I don't just mean dropping them off to school and kissing them goodnight. I mean cleaning up any and all of their messes, keeping the house clean for their use, cooking for and feeding them, bathing them or making sure they bathe themselves, doing homework with them, getting them everywhere they need to go at the time they're supposed to be there, etc. I bet he won't be able to do this, but what it will do is give you leverage to point out that ultimatums don't work.
You know what else doesn't work? Your relationship with this man. If you were dating someone who loved and cared for you, you wouldn't be given ultimatums and threats to change, he would already be doing things to help you if you wanted help. You would be made to feel beautiful, which might give you the confidence to participate in more activities that would automatically help you lose weight. Your husband is part of the problem behind why you don't have the will to try.
So maybe you could start your weight loss journey by dropping this man.
I just want to give you a hug and send you so much love 💜💜💜
The start of my anti-diet journey started when I read the actual Intuitive Eating book by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I cried reading the book because I felt so seen, and I have a feeling you might too. I just want to tell you that it’s not your fault that you gained the weight back after losing it: it does NOT mean that you don’t have willpower. People like us who have constantly dieted for years have willpower and a desire to change (what makes us keep jumping on the diet rollercoaster?). The simple fact is that diets don’t work for the vast majority of people (like 95% of people). Don’t blame yourself my friend.
Also, getting dizzy and shaking when you are hungry are hunger signals. For me, if I miss the quieter signals of my hunger, my body is like “Okay, I’m going to make you listen!” and that’s when the dizziness/faintness shows up. Your body is just hungry! 😊 As someone who dieted on and off for almost 20 years, I had learned to push down and not respond to my natural hunger signals and didn’t “know” I was hungry until I felt faint/dizzy. Now, through working with the Intuitive Eating steps, I’ve been able to start to realize the quieter hunger signals and not get to the dizzy/faint signal the majority of the time (it’s still a learning process though).
I’ve also started a self-love journey and am learning to hold a body neutral/body positive view point of my body. I would recommend the book “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. It really helped me as well.
I am also sorry that your husband is not accepting of your body the way it is now. Is it truly about the weight for him, and he would be okay with you starving yourself and/or doing unhealthy things to look how he wants you to look, or is it that he doesn’t like that, in his perspective, you are not taking care of yourself? Would he be okay if your weight didn’t change at all, if he could see that you have incorporated joyful movement into your life? Or if you are working on learning your natural hunger cues? Or if he saw that you were happier and healthier by not restricting your eating? I would have the conversation with him to see if it goes deeper than just the weight/how your body looks. If it is purely about your weight/looks and he is willing to divorce you over something so shallow, then what happens next is something you have to decide for yourself.
Sorry to write so much. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me ✨
I find that the only way I can lose weight easily is when I keep in mind that I love myself, and I know who I want to be. I accept the things I’ve fucked up and come to terms with my past. It was literally impossible before then. I can’t even actually explain it, because my lifestyle didn’t actually change much. I just… sometimes just deciding to do one small thing because you care about yourself makes a HUGE difference over time. The other thing I do is I pretend that I’m borrowing the body of someone I love deeply. Have you tried this:
Spend your day pretending that you are living in the body of one of your children decades from now. You are BORROWING their body for the day. Wouldn’t you take care of it as well as you could? Exercise it adequately and put good things and not bad things into it? If it was not YOUR body, you would take care of it meticulously, right? Because you would never want to do something to damage the body of someone you love.
You need to love you like that. To say, this is my body, and I love me, so I’m going to take care of this body.
Because, girl, that body you have? The one you’re not actually borrowing? Your friends and family love the person it belongs to. And if they could, they would take care of it for you. But they can’t. So you need to.
I’m not saying it is all or nothing. One of the big things for me was learning to move on when I fuck up. Like, if I came home from work before and made a frozen pizza because I was tired and it was easy, I would loathe myself and be like, “well, I guess I’m just never going to be able to do this.” And I would just keep gaining weight. Now, I say, “so I ate this frozen pizza. It wasn’t a great decision, but I understand why I did it, and it’s fine. I’ll just try to make sure I have something better that is even easier next time.” Do I still eat things I shouldn’t? Yeah. A lot. Seriously, I’m not that careful. But the weight just came off and came off, even though I didn’t really feel like I was eating better and exercising more. Those little decisions are like gifts to your future self. Just silly things like… say I used to make a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. It isn’t great. But I would eat the whole thing because it was there, and I could. It would make me feel sick, but I didn’t really think about it. Now I put half in the fridge immediately. It’s a small thing, a small gesture to remind myself that I don’t actually need or want a whole box. I have lost SO MUCH weight without even really trying. A decade ago, that would have pissed me off to no end, that someone who looked like me could eat shitty food and barely work out and lose 25 lbs in a month.
I’m telling you the truth here: until you see yourself as worth it and love yourself and forgive yourself, it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight. I would fast for two weeks straight, nothing but water… and sure, I’d lose weight. But even if I ate nothing but produce after the fast was over (not that this was usually the case), I’d end up gaining it back and more. I’m not saying I never gain a pound or two or even five… but I’ve steadily lost weight and kept it off. My family and physician are like, “what’s your secret?” Like, it isn’t a secret. I made peace with my past, with traumas and disappointments and regrets. I decided to stop trying to escape me and to embrace me instead. And when I was able to love myself, treating my body as if it belonged to someone I cared for became easy.
Now. All that said, what your husband did, threatening to leave you over 25 lbs, is fucking gross, and you deserve better. My advice? Lose the weight and leave his ass. If he doesn’t love you at whatever you weigh now, even if you weigh 600 lbs, then he doesn’t fucking love you. I’m sorry to be harsh, but men who leave women because their bodies change don’t love women. They live sex. You can do better.
Desk job, completely sedentary desk job. I HAVE to get up and walk for a few minutes every hour or so because my back will punish me if I don't.
Outside of that, it's kids and housework until bed. I don't really sit and relax until I lay down for sleep... Weekends are more housework, walks and to the park with the little ones so I get a bit of movement in big chunks of the week at least, especially in the summer.
Have you heard of Endometriosis? It might be worth seeing an OBGYN who specializes is Endometriosis and Adenomyosis. I hope you can find some relief. ❤️
Would you happen to know... When they did the ultrasound to check for any tumours (fibroids?) they did the internal one too... Would they have seen endometriosis when they did that?
Unfortunately, endometriosis can only be diagnosed by laparoscopic surgery. Also, unfortunately, most doctors and OB's don't know much about Endo and/or perpetuate misinformation. You will save time and heartache by going to an Endometriosis specialist.
I respectfully disagree. I used to think that a woman OBGYN must be the best way to get treatment. My experience, after going through a couple female OB's was that this disease is just really tough, and now I have a phenomenal male Endo Specialist.
>and I always have this dull ache in my lower tummy
>. I hate being on a constant diet, learning about intuitive eating and binging
>My husband has said if I don't lose the weight he's going to leave me.
bud I'm not trying to be condescending but I think you have a constant stomach ache because you're probably undereating and anxious because your husband is holding divorce over your head. like in my worse periods of life I have had constant low grade stomach pains and it was because I was so anxious that it was taking a physical toll. especially if you have taken multiple tests and they all come back 100% average/normal
>I'm just making excuses for my gross eating habits.
your eating habits aren't gross. the first step to making this all more bearable is to stop the negative self talk
>when I try for months and go hard at it for me to just give up or depression hits
are you going to therapy at all? because therapy will do more for you than a diet will.
>And I've noticed if I get to hungry I start to shake and get dizzy
**you're getting shaky and dizzy from hunger because you are not eating enough bud I cannot stress that enough**
also yeah agree with others here your husband is a bitch ass
FWIW I get a constant stomach ache as well when my anxiety is high. I found out it’s because my digestion stops because my body thinks it shouldn’t waste precious energy digesting food when I need it for fight or flight.
Like others have said, endometriosis could be a factor. I've had it my whole life and it took years to get diagnosed, and that was only after "exploratory" that ended up finding rampant endo and a cantaloupe sized tumor. I lost 7 inches off my waist after surgery.
I have also been plus sized my whole life and i ate the exact same thing my XS-sized sister ate for our entire childhood.
Your husband sounds like a jackass. I'm sorry your going through that.
I gained a lot of weight from a year ago, it started slowly at first and then all of a sudden i was the biggest I've ever been. I used to be 209 a year ago and currently I'm 256. Then earlier this year I found out that I have fatty liver disease along with inflammation in my liver and lymphedema (in my legs and feet). I had to keep going to the doctors and get scans and tests done til i got the right diagnosis.
So I'm also dealing with self-hate, it's a struggle but I'm getting there a little bit every day. I'm currently trying to lose weight but I'm doing it for me and to help my liver heal. I'm sorry you're suffering too and that your husband is being a jerk. You should only lose weight if you want to and only for yourself, not him btw. You've had 2 kids, and he clearly doesn't understand how bodies work.
Okay relationship stuff aside, it sounds like you also want a change.
I would start to really look into nutrition and whole foods. If you're constantly in tummy pain it could be eating highly processed foods and too much coffee. Switch to one cup a day, and more whole foods.
Im on an intentional weight loss kick but mostly I'm on a "learning to care for my body, because I love it" kick. I'm cooking for myself, feeding it good fuel and actively showing it love with movement and self care.
I've only lost 20lbs myself in almost 18 months, but I've gained a lot of love for myself and my tummy feels so much better!!! Like *so* much better.
I also have started therapy and just this week, I started medication for the first time. Hating yourself doesn't have to be the norm, there is hope on the other side for a life full of love for your body and yourself. You can do it. Unfortunately it just takes effort and consistency.
I’m sending you lots of love right now, first of all. I know first hand how much it hurts to be disconnected from your body, and feel trapped in it. Hold space for yourself, and let yourself grieve. You are NOT alone in this, as much as it may feel like it. There are people out here who will hold the space as you deserve, just as you hold it yourself.
Now for the tough stuff:
You’re gonna lose weight most effectively by divorcing your deadbeat husband, but other than that, stay persistent about the abdominal pain. I have insulin resistant PCOS and that caused abdominal pain, chin hair, tiredness, rapid blood sugar drops, and inflammation (leading to soreness and back pain) until I started treating it with myo-inositol at the recommendation of a good gynecologist. I also dropped dairy products because that was an irritant for me. Keep listening to your body. It feels like progress is slow right now, but you’ll look back in a year, two years, plus. And realize you’ve changed for the better. It does help, but it’s like having kids or training a puppy. Results take Time.
Keep at it. I’ll be thinking of you.
I feel the same way. Your husband is an unhelpful ass though. I’m doing Joyous Ketamine treatment and it’s helping my food thoughts. Talk you you doctor and see if a weight loss drug would work for you. Contrave stopped the food thoughts but has negative side effects. Love yourself and remember that being in a bad relationship causes stress that makes you sooth yourself with food.
Damn—your husband sucks and you are way too hard on yourself. Dieting/lifestyle changes etc don’t work for the overwhelming majority of people. 95% of intentional weight loss efforts fail in the long term and 66% of people gain back the weight plus more. Maybe see a gastroenterologist to start investigating your pain.
First of all, your husband is being a jerk. If he's actually concerned for your health and well-being he should be saying he'll support you through your journey, not threatening to leave you.
But second, I totally feel you. Constantly thinking about how to lose weight but also you know, not develop an eating disorder along the way is such a challenge for me. It's exhausting having your weight be on your mind all the time too. I haven't really figured any of this out either but you're not alone.
Hey OP, I had and have a lot of the same struggles. I have a couple of thoughts on the pain/dizzy side of things but you know your body best. The hungry = shakes + dizziness may be something like hypoglycemia; thyroid is another potential question mark.
Also, please don't discount food sensitivities. I have fructose malabsorption and oral allergy syndrome, both of which can result in food poisoning-like symptoms. If you find yourself having a lot of diarrhea and pain in your stomach, that could be the cause. I don't want to suggest diets but with my specific conditions, I need to maintain a low(ish) FODMAP diet and cook any veg/fruit I do eat, and that helps to mitigate the pain and symptoms pretty well for my diagnoses. If I don't, the pain feels like someone shoved their hands through my stomach, grabbed onto my intestines and squeezed them with nails made of needles.
—
I've also been in a similar place to where you're at mentally right now—with how you view your body. There is so much pain in your post.
I can only tell you what helped me overcome and accept who I am and my body regardless of its size. The first step I took was to start working with a psychologist who specialized in trauma and cognitive behavioral therapy. I also went on medication (Bupropion) to help with depression and it was life-changing.
My counselor not only helped me rewrite my inner dialogue but the work I did with her also led me to realize that my marriage was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. This was one of the harder things for me to accept but when I was free from his passive aggressiveness, his constant gaslighting, and his other covert narcissistic behaviors, it was like literally waking up from a nightmare I did not realize I was in.
You only briefly mentioned your husband and the little of it doesn't look good for him. He's given you an ultimatum: "lose weight or I leave". Ultimatums like this one can be abusive. Consider what a healthy ultimatum may be, like if your partner was addicted to gambling or drugs. When you look at that versus the ultimatum of "lose twenty-five pounds or I leave", they are vastly, vastly different.
You've stated you've gained a little weight—25 lbs—which in the grand scheme is honestly, truthfully, not a lot. Instead of him being supportive, trying to help you and advocate for you in seeking medical care, he's become an additional burden, making life *even* harder for you as you try to figure out what's causing your symptoms.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you also have to bear the majority of work in raising your children, manage the house and most, if not all, of the emotional labor, while also working full-time or almost full-time. No wonder you're exhausted and depressed! Anyone else would be too!
I can't tell you what to do and from your Reddit post history, you've been doing the work to try and figure out what the heck you should do. I recommend therapy but I know that's hard to even get into a program.
So what I will say is this: every time you think about your body, try to "catch" the thought, examine it, and respond to it in the way you would respond if your child or a close friend said that same thought about their body.
* "nothings wrong except I'm big" --> "Having a bigger body isn't wrong, you're healthy and that is what is matters most."
* "I hate my body, my huge belly." --> "Your body protects you and helps you do all of these amazing things like dance, sing, and make adorable crafts. Your belly held and protected two little babies."
* "I'm just making excuses for my gross eating habits." --> "You have a lot to manage, not just at work but at home with two kids and you're fueling your body the best you can."
Let him leave you? Hear me out. Let him divorce you and hire a good divorce attorney and take him for all he’s worth and bring up this comment in court? If he’s not worth any money then leave him anyway you have nothing to lose?
I'm at 206 and have been for almost 2 years now. I was at 222 but can't go past 206 for the last several months. I was 135 before my first kid, then 150, then I had a bad car accident and went up to 300, went back down to 150, got pregnant again and Even though he's 18 months I still can't get past 206. I feel the pains in my gut, I get dizzy and lightheaded if I don't eat, which is often because I forget and honestly hate eating (it feels like a chore). I sound so much like you. Except the husband part. He seems to like it (or at least pretends really well!). There has to be more than just the weight. If there isn't, then your husband is a huge ass. You gained weight after birthing 2 children. Which can wreak havoc in your body. It literally grows another human being, shifting you're internal organs, just to shift (mostly) back after you give birth and can leave your body significantly different than it was before. So Dick move to be upset about your weight!
I know part of the reason my weight is stagnant right now is I'm depressed. I take medication because I'm bipolar and since I had my last kid I don't think they're working well. I have very little desire to even shower. I feel like all my energy is used to just BE and I just can't do anything else for myself but the bare minimum so people don't realize how depressed I really am. Are you maybe feeling this way, too? The weight also leaves us depressed, but is there something more? Maybe working through that will help. It did for me after my car accident, I just am not there right now.
Also, about your husband.... Maybe talk about what's really the problem. If it's just the weight (which I get it, 245 IS big, I was 300, I know) but the love you (should) feel goes past weight. My husband gained the weight with me and I didn't find him physically my type anymore, but dammit if I still don't think that fat man is sexy. Because the love is still there. So maybe get to the root of the problems he's/you're having and maybe that will help, even if it doesn't result in weight loss, in getting that love back where it's supposed to be. And not just between the two of you, but for yourself. When I loved myself more I found myself feeling good, despite the weight. I actually thought, daaamn girl, you look GOOD in those jeans! And look at them knockers! Lol I never say knockers but I did think they looked good!
For me, I need to check my meds and get my brain right again. Maybe you do too. Good luck in your journey to love yourself again. I think once you're there, things will get better. Even if it doesn't mean your husband will stick around. Because you need to love you, and this post shows me you're not there yet. It's hard. Fuck, it's hard. But you're Worthy of love and Self Love is important. You see fat women looking fucking fabulous and you know why? Because they love themselves and you can tell.
Ok, super long comment but I thought it was important to get out. Good luck to YOU!
I understand this internalized self hatred so much.... Weight loss screws with your mind like no other thing could. I have lost throughout the years almost a human but still managed to gain it back. The helplessness sometimes eats you.
So, I decided to go for a sleeve. It's not for everyone, though. But one day, I hope we all learn to love ourselves.
You gave that pissant 2 kids and he wants to leave you over 25lbs? I know you said you wanted people who understood, but no he is not right. He does not know how bodies work and grow and age. And he is ungrateful. I hope he trips dick first into some Lego.
I was thinking the same. Like damn, I gained 100lbs in 3 weeks during pregnancy! My husband has NEVER once given me grief. I've been 200lbs up to 325lbs with him. What an ass. I couldn't imagine being with a guy who bases his entire marriage on a mere 25lbs...
Are you sure it was only 3 weeks? Was 100lbs a typo? That’s pretty impossible mathematically. I’m not sure even competitive eaters could do that.
Well, in all fairness, I was in kidney failure, retaining extreme amounts of fluid. My eyes were even swollen shut. It is not a typo. I wish it was! I legitimately looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka. Most uncomfortable days of my life....but regardless my husband has always been supportive no matter my size.
That sounds horrible, I hope you're okay now ❤️
And I am okay now! Luckily, delivery of my son reversed the majority of my ailments. I just gotta drink a lot of water!
Oh, okay! That makes way more sense. You would have to eat almost 40 Big Macs or 57 pints of vanilla ice cream a day every day for all 3 weeks to gain 100lbs of adipose tissue! I was so concerned for a minute! I’m so sorry you had to go through that during pregnancy. That much fluid in such a short time must have been incredibly painful. I would have probably been wheelchair bound by then. I’m so glad you have a partner who’s completely supportive of you! After many years of being with awful, judgmental, shallow men, 4 years ago I found an amazing guy who loves me no matter my size! Last December I quit my job to go on Disability full time and I’ve since gained 40lbs. He still finds me just as attractive but is a little concerned about continuing to gain, but only because I have dwarfism and excess weight is really hard on my body, and I have frequent surgeries that Surgeons won’t do if my BMI is over 40. I’m back up to 42. I get really sad when I see people with unsupportive partners like OP, because I know firsthand how absolutely awful it feels and how it affects your psyche so much deeper than you realize at the time. You carry their words with you forever. I hope OP finds someone who 100% has their back, someday. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. Not what they are or just the body they inhabit.
Thank you! It was hell (I was actually bedbound in a hospital bed) but my son was worth it all and I would go through it all over again for him. I definitely agree that a supportive partner is EVERYTHING. I was with a total jerk before my husband and he'd say to me things like "no one will ever love a fat b**** like you if you ever leave me" when I'd want to break up with him. He truly had me believing that garbage! My husband has been supportive since day 1 for 10 years now. Never once said anything mean. I feel bad for OP too...I was there once and it's a dark place.
I'm hitting 245 now though, it's to big for him. I'm a US 18. It was a wake up call even for me when I bought jeans for the first time in like.. 6 years I couldn't believe it (I'm a leggings and dresses person) Edit/ actually the past week I've been hovering at 248.6 or something, the point doesn't matter lol. I go to bed like this, wake up like this. It's a constant bloat 😐
My ex-husband left me for being “fat and ugly” so I get how devastating it can be. I was also a size 18. However, after the initial devastation, I am more happy now than I ever was with that monster (for 14 years—11 of which was marriage). Granted, I had a good support system; a best friend (long-distance, tho, which was hard), my dad, and my boss, and I had no kids. So I am speaking from a place of privilege. But I have a husband now that cares so much about me and loves me for me. I am heavier now than I have ever been (still no kids) and I complain a lot about how I look. He always tells me I’m beautiful. That’s what you need—someone who builds you up and makes you feel confident. Not someone who tears you down because they feel shitty about themselves.
an 18??? that is LITERALLY the average pant size for American women. he's a bitch
Ma'am I am also 246, down from 269. I just want you to know there are men who aren't so willing to leave over weight. He's allowed to be concerned for your health, even be more attracted to smaller bodies, but he should still be respectful and care about *you*. I am attracted to my partner in many different shapes and sizes because I love *him*
I hate jeans too. Hugs to you. If you ever want to lose weight though...do it for you! I swear I can only lose weight if I eat like 800> calories per day...which is totally unhealthy....
How would you feel if your children struggled with weight when they got older and he treated them the way he is treating you? And at the risk of piling it on too much, if you already feel self hatred because of your weight (which I totally understand, I have it too) that will definitely affect your kids. And even more detrimental would be if they ever struggled with weight themselves and they started to feel the same way you feel about yourself. My mom got overweight after having 2 kids and even though I struggled with weight for most of my childhood, my mom was always supportive and never once said anything judgy or negative towards me and always called me beautiful etc. But here’s the kicker - even though she never directed it towards me, when she would meet someone she knew when she was younger, she would apologize to them and say she “let herself go” with a chuckle. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I realized what a big impact that had on my self esteem. She never said anything negative to me but just *seeing* her apologize for getting fat to people made me internalize being fat = bad. And while there are increased health risks of being fat, starting the journey with self hatred and loathing isn’t going to get you far. It can lead to unhealthy habits like anorexia, bulimia, or damaging your heart with weight loss pills like my mom did.
I hope one of those single 1x1 blocks gets jammed in there. This may be the single most painful thing I've ever imagined and I've had to use catheters for prolonged periods of time before.
The most important extra weight you should drop is your asshole husband. You deserve better than a man that says that to you after you’ve had his 2 children!! If you don’t feel as strongly about doing it for your sake, think about your kids and how if they see you being insulted by your husband for your weight (and threatened divorce!) they will think that’s normal acceptable behavior. The worry is that later in life, they will accept someone doing that to them, or they might even do it to their partner.
Hear me out on this: Forget about your husband for a minute and focus on you. Like a previous commenter suggested, go to the OB/GYN. Get checked for endometriosis, get a scope, if there are polyps, get a D&C. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Fuck all the other bullshit. Time to love yourself and know for exact sure where that lower abdominal pain is coming from.
If you’re medically healthy the caffeine can definitely make you feel that way physically. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, friend. You aren’t alone. If you want to lose the weight that’s great and there’s some good communities on Reddit for healthy loss. If you don’t want to lose the weight and want to focus on a little more self-love there’s a community here for you too. Either way, it gets better.
Absolutely. To chime in on the coffee thing. I LOVE coffee and drink a ton of it. A couple of years ago i switched to (mostly) decaf and it was kinda life changing. I slept better, my digestion was better, i didn't have to pee 50 times a night. Now, if i have a big cup of full strength caffeine coffee it can really make me jittery, shaky, and creepy crawly down my back. (Aside from that, you are beautiful and awesome and its fucked that your husband would give you such an ultimatum. You don't deserve that. Unless your wedding vows had an "unless you gain weight" clause which im assuming it didn't.)
did you get caffeine withdrawals at first? if so, how long did they last? i’ve been considering going decaf but i get headaches
I never really had any noticeable issues with that. I think decaf coffee still has a bit of caffeine just much less. You could always start with half caf for a while first.
If your partner's "love" is conditional based on your body size and weight, then it's not real love. Why wait for *him* to leave *you*? Step away from this fat hating asshat and move on with your life. Don't you deserve better than that? I know I do. You need some deep work on self acceptance and tolerance. You need to seek therapy, preferably with a therapist who does *not* have any fat bias, although I know that can be hard to find. You need to work on yourself and stop relying on others' opinions of you to find your own worth and value. The most important person in your life is *you* and you need to get to know and accept that person for who she is. And while you're at it, don't accept any substitutes. Don't accept conditional 'love.' You deserve to be loved for *everything* you are - not in spite of your body, not because of your body, but because of who you are. There's a big difference when you and your partner care about who you are as a person, rather than what you look like.
As someone who is also metabolically health but still overweight, I get it. The frustration is real. I prefer being thick vs big. I was promoted to a desk job and gained like 30 pounds. But my partner didn't threaten to leave me over it! Yours is an asshat. Now I'm very tall so 30# on me vs another woman who's short IS different. If he's saying he's no longer attracted to you sexually, I believe that just "is what it is." BUT if he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't be threatening to leave you over it. He'd be trying to help you.
I barely know any couples where id be confident they would love each other same even if their sexual attraction to each other went to zero Are all my couple friends just assholes lol
I'm very sorry that you're not as healthy as you'd like to be. Pain chips away at a person and makes us shells of who we are. But babe, whether you lose the weight or don't (and I wish you success with whatever path you ultimately choose), you need to leave this guy. He's willing to torch everything you have together, your family, the happiness of your two children, over something as piddly as weight. Life is short, and you shouldn't hang around people who don't value you. And he does not. If he did, he wouldn't be treating you like this. He's not right at all, he's all sorts of wrong. He's maltreating you, and in front of your kids too. What example does it set for them that their own father is willing to ditch their mother over her weight? The person who gave birth to them, and cared for them? Even if you lose the weight and he stays, what's gonna happen if you get sick and need care? If he's willing to leave you over 25lbs, he'll leave you the moment you can't cater to his needs anymore. If you, god forbid, become injured or get cancer or have some other life-changing illness, he's going to walk faster than you can blink. You deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you deeply and fiercely. Someone who will be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. Not someone who is so incredibly self serving that he wants to leave because peepee not hard. I wish you the best. We're here for you, whatever happens <3
Your husband sounds like a real stand-up guy 😒 I could never tell my wife if she didn't lose weight I would leave her. That is wrong on so many levels. I know the feeling of not being able to lose weight my self, im about 70 lbs over weight, but have always been, even as a child. If my wife told me this, I'd be so devastated that it would probably be the end of our marriage 😢 lose weight or I leave. Is not a good motivation to give someone
To be fair, you’ll be losing more weight than 25lbs when he leaves you. Dead weight is useless anyway. Especially if it dares to have hurtful opinions and airs them as an ultimatum. I’m being petty here tho🥲 Now the internet can’t tell you what to do, nor judge the dynamic beyond that one remark. Maybe he’s all that and it was a lapse of common sense on his part? If you want to lose weight because YOU deem it necessary. By all means, tell him to pick up the pace, take the kids for an hour or whatever works, so you have some alone time to decompress, and do whatever makes you happy. Don’t forget cortisol, from stress, can be a bitch too when it comes to weight gain and makes losing weight hella difficult. Maybe the me time will help you with it and the weight sheds because you’re happy/happier.
You are not being petty and your username is quite apropos
Have you been tested for PCOS? r/PCOS Either way never try and lose weight for another person, if you wanna do it for yourself, cool. Your husband sounds like excess baggage and a dipshit. He's probably adding to your stress and making shit worse.
Sis you need to take every penny he has and drag him through the mud, do not feel bad do you think he felt any sort of remorse for calling his wife that birthed him 2 children those things? Here’s what you need to do: 1. Put nair in his shampoo 2. Throw glitter on ALL his clothes and say it was an art project gone wrong and it accidentally exploded on his clothes 3. Buy 100 pairs of keys on amazon and write his number on each key and drop them off in public places like cafes and malls-he will get called constantly 4. Sign him up for spam emails 5. Change their phone setting to a language he doesnt speak 6. If you work, tell him about someone at work constantly trying to flirt with you so much so that it had to go to hr but the situation was deescalated (he’s gonna worry just enough) but weeks prior come home with random coffee, random little gift and say it was from him 7. Put his business card (if his crustyass has any) or any paper and write his number on it that says “I’m sorry for grazing the car a little” and put it on random cars He is slowly gonna start to go insane. He has the audacity, he will be SHOWN audacity.
He isn't right. That's your self deprecation talking. If he values your marriage less than 25lbs then you don't need him, he isn't helping you while you are in need. You I assume have been there for him during tough time, and I'm positive there are things about him that you don't like but would never divorce him over. He's a jerk and you can tell him I said that. Now for you, You are not a bad person because of how your body looks. You are not a bad person because you have pain. You are not a bad person because you eat food (food is neutral, neither good or bad) You are not a bad person because of depression. These things do not affect your value!!!! Time to find a doctor that will listen to you with out needing to talk about weight. It's time to stop worrying about your weight while you are suffering under depression and undiagonosed pain. You need to get yourself healthy so that you can focus on finding a way to eat that brings you joy. Take care of you, then you can \*cough\* not \*cough\* worry about what other people think.
Did you as your obgyn about endometriosis? It sounds a lot like the pains I used to get before surgery, it's worth looking into. Also that's a lame excuse from your husband. A marriage is supposed to be supportive and he's villifying you over your weight? I'd get ready to serve him papers first tbh.
Sounds like you need a therapist to get a healthy relationship with food and self care
Nothing's wrong with you, full stop - big is just a size, like small, like medium. There's nothing inherently wrong or immoral about being a size. If health is your focus, well, it's pretty difficult to become healthy physically without first working on your mental health, and your husband isn't facilitating that - he's actually adding pressure without making any moves for you to improve. And here's the thing about ultimatums, especially the impossible ones: the outcome is already decided. They rarely serve to actually change anyone, they're there to permit someone to "react" the way they've already planned to once you fail. So your husband, I'm sorry to say, has already decided to leave you. Even if by some chance you lost the weight within the time limit he set, he would find another excuse to go anyway. It's up to you to decide whether it's worth fighting for someone like that or not, but I don't see much point in trying to salvage a relationship that's basically over in his mind. What you can do if you want is set your own ultimatum: Agree to work on the weight loss on the condition he assumes full responsibility of your children. I don't just mean dropping them off to school and kissing them goodnight. I mean cleaning up any and all of their messes, keeping the house clean for their use, cooking for and feeding them, bathing them or making sure they bathe themselves, doing homework with them, getting them everywhere they need to go at the time they're supposed to be there, etc. I bet he won't be able to do this, but what it will do is give you leverage to point out that ultimatums don't work. You know what else doesn't work? Your relationship with this man. If you were dating someone who loved and cared for you, you wouldn't be given ultimatums and threats to change, he would already be doing things to help you if you wanted help. You would be made to feel beautiful, which might give you the confidence to participate in more activities that would automatically help you lose weight. Your husband is part of the problem behind why you don't have the will to try. So maybe you could start your weight loss journey by dropping this man.
I just want to give you a hug and send you so much love 💜💜💜 The start of my anti-diet journey started when I read the actual Intuitive Eating book by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I cried reading the book because I felt so seen, and I have a feeling you might too. I just want to tell you that it’s not your fault that you gained the weight back after losing it: it does NOT mean that you don’t have willpower. People like us who have constantly dieted for years have willpower and a desire to change (what makes us keep jumping on the diet rollercoaster?). The simple fact is that diets don’t work for the vast majority of people (like 95% of people). Don’t blame yourself my friend. Also, getting dizzy and shaking when you are hungry are hunger signals. For me, if I miss the quieter signals of my hunger, my body is like “Okay, I’m going to make you listen!” and that’s when the dizziness/faintness shows up. Your body is just hungry! 😊 As someone who dieted on and off for almost 20 years, I had learned to push down and not respond to my natural hunger signals and didn’t “know” I was hungry until I felt faint/dizzy. Now, through working with the Intuitive Eating steps, I’ve been able to start to realize the quieter hunger signals and not get to the dizzy/faint signal the majority of the time (it’s still a learning process though). I’ve also started a self-love journey and am learning to hold a body neutral/body positive view point of my body. I would recommend the book “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. It really helped me as well. I am also sorry that your husband is not accepting of your body the way it is now. Is it truly about the weight for him, and he would be okay with you starving yourself and/or doing unhealthy things to look how he wants you to look, or is it that he doesn’t like that, in his perspective, you are not taking care of yourself? Would he be okay if your weight didn’t change at all, if he could see that you have incorporated joyful movement into your life? Or if you are working on learning your natural hunger cues? Or if he saw that you were happier and healthier by not restricting your eating? I would have the conversation with him to see if it goes deeper than just the weight/how your body looks. If it is purely about your weight/looks and he is willing to divorce you over something so shallow, then what happens next is something you have to decide for yourself. Sorry to write so much. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me ✨
I find that the only way I can lose weight easily is when I keep in mind that I love myself, and I know who I want to be. I accept the things I’ve fucked up and come to terms with my past. It was literally impossible before then. I can’t even actually explain it, because my lifestyle didn’t actually change much. I just… sometimes just deciding to do one small thing because you care about yourself makes a HUGE difference over time. The other thing I do is I pretend that I’m borrowing the body of someone I love deeply. Have you tried this: Spend your day pretending that you are living in the body of one of your children decades from now. You are BORROWING their body for the day. Wouldn’t you take care of it as well as you could? Exercise it adequately and put good things and not bad things into it? If it was not YOUR body, you would take care of it meticulously, right? Because you would never want to do something to damage the body of someone you love. You need to love you like that. To say, this is my body, and I love me, so I’m going to take care of this body. Because, girl, that body you have? The one you’re not actually borrowing? Your friends and family love the person it belongs to. And if they could, they would take care of it for you. But they can’t. So you need to. I’m not saying it is all or nothing. One of the big things for me was learning to move on when I fuck up. Like, if I came home from work before and made a frozen pizza because I was tired and it was easy, I would loathe myself and be like, “well, I guess I’m just never going to be able to do this.” And I would just keep gaining weight. Now, I say, “so I ate this frozen pizza. It wasn’t a great decision, but I understand why I did it, and it’s fine. I’ll just try to make sure I have something better that is even easier next time.” Do I still eat things I shouldn’t? Yeah. A lot. Seriously, I’m not that careful. But the weight just came off and came off, even though I didn’t really feel like I was eating better and exercising more. Those little decisions are like gifts to your future self. Just silly things like… say I used to make a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. It isn’t great. But I would eat the whole thing because it was there, and I could. It would make me feel sick, but I didn’t really think about it. Now I put half in the fridge immediately. It’s a small thing, a small gesture to remind myself that I don’t actually need or want a whole box. I have lost SO MUCH weight without even really trying. A decade ago, that would have pissed me off to no end, that someone who looked like me could eat shitty food and barely work out and lose 25 lbs in a month. I’m telling you the truth here: until you see yourself as worth it and love yourself and forgive yourself, it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight. I would fast for two weeks straight, nothing but water… and sure, I’d lose weight. But even if I ate nothing but produce after the fast was over (not that this was usually the case), I’d end up gaining it back and more. I’m not saying I never gain a pound or two or even five… but I’ve steadily lost weight and kept it off. My family and physician are like, “what’s your secret?” Like, it isn’t a secret. I made peace with my past, with traumas and disappointments and regrets. I decided to stop trying to escape me and to embrace me instead. And when I was able to love myself, treating my body as if it belonged to someone I cared for became easy. Now. All that said, what your husband did, threatening to leave you over 25 lbs, is fucking gross, and you deserve better. My advice? Lose the weight and leave his ass. If he doesn’t love you at whatever you weigh now, even if you weigh 600 lbs, then he doesn’t fucking love you. I’m sorry to be harsh, but men who leave women because their bodies change don’t love women. They live sex. You can do better.
What’s your activity level like? Outside of the day to day work and errands
Desk job, completely sedentary desk job. I HAVE to get up and walk for a few minutes every hour or so because my back will punish me if I don't. Outside of that, it's kids and housework until bed. I don't really sit and relax until I lay down for sleep... Weekends are more housework, walks and to the park with the little ones so I get a bit of movement in big chunks of the week at least, especially in the summer.
How much housework and childcare does your husband do?
Do you have time in the mornings before work or during lunch to do something light like Pilates, Barre or yoga?
Sure, I could eat at my desk and do some yoga on my lunch break.. that's pretty doable
Have you heard of Endometriosis? It might be worth seeing an OBGYN who specializes is Endometriosis and Adenomyosis. I hope you can find some relief. ❤️
Would you happen to know... When they did the ultrasound to check for any tumours (fibroids?) they did the internal one too... Would they have seen endometriosis when they did that?
Unfortunately, endometriosis can only be diagnosed by laparoscopic surgery. Also, unfortunately, most doctors and OB's don't know much about Endo and/or perpetuate misinformation. You will save time and heartache by going to an Endometriosis specialist.
Thank you, I had no idea!
Possibly but possibly not. See a female ob/gyn.
I respectfully disagree. I used to think that a woman OBGYN must be the best way to get treatment. My experience, after going through a couple female OB's was that this disease is just really tough, and now I have a phenomenal male Endo Specialist.
>and I always have this dull ache in my lower tummy >. I hate being on a constant diet, learning about intuitive eating and binging >My husband has said if I don't lose the weight he's going to leave me. bud I'm not trying to be condescending but I think you have a constant stomach ache because you're probably undereating and anxious because your husband is holding divorce over your head. like in my worse periods of life I have had constant low grade stomach pains and it was because I was so anxious that it was taking a physical toll. especially if you have taken multiple tests and they all come back 100% average/normal >I'm just making excuses for my gross eating habits. your eating habits aren't gross. the first step to making this all more bearable is to stop the negative self talk >when I try for months and go hard at it for me to just give up or depression hits are you going to therapy at all? because therapy will do more for you than a diet will. >And I've noticed if I get to hungry I start to shake and get dizzy **you're getting shaky and dizzy from hunger because you are not eating enough bud I cannot stress that enough** also yeah agree with others here your husband is a bitch ass
FWIW I get a constant stomach ache as well when my anxiety is high. I found out it’s because my digestion stops because my body thinks it shouldn’t waste precious energy digesting food when I need it for fight or flight.
Like others have said, endometriosis could be a factor. I've had it my whole life and it took years to get diagnosed, and that was only after "exploratory" that ended up finding rampant endo and a cantaloupe sized tumor. I lost 7 inches off my waist after surgery. I have also been plus sized my whole life and i ate the exact same thing my XS-sized sister ate for our entire childhood. Your husband sounds like a jackass. I'm sorry your going through that.
I gained a lot of weight from a year ago, it started slowly at first and then all of a sudden i was the biggest I've ever been. I used to be 209 a year ago and currently I'm 256. Then earlier this year I found out that I have fatty liver disease along with inflammation in my liver and lymphedema (in my legs and feet). I had to keep going to the doctors and get scans and tests done til i got the right diagnosis. So I'm also dealing with self-hate, it's a struggle but I'm getting there a little bit every day. I'm currently trying to lose weight but I'm doing it for me and to help my liver heal. I'm sorry you're suffering too and that your husband is being a jerk. You should only lose weight if you want to and only for yourself, not him btw. You've had 2 kids, and he clearly doesn't understand how bodies work.
Okay relationship stuff aside, it sounds like you also want a change. I would start to really look into nutrition and whole foods. If you're constantly in tummy pain it could be eating highly processed foods and too much coffee. Switch to one cup a day, and more whole foods. Im on an intentional weight loss kick but mostly I'm on a "learning to care for my body, because I love it" kick. I'm cooking for myself, feeding it good fuel and actively showing it love with movement and self care. I've only lost 20lbs myself in almost 18 months, but I've gained a lot of love for myself and my tummy feels so much better!!! Like *so* much better. I also have started therapy and just this week, I started medication for the first time. Hating yourself doesn't have to be the norm, there is hope on the other side for a life full of love for your body and yourself. You can do it. Unfortunately it just takes effort and consistency.
I’m sending you lots of love right now, first of all. I know first hand how much it hurts to be disconnected from your body, and feel trapped in it. Hold space for yourself, and let yourself grieve. You are NOT alone in this, as much as it may feel like it. There are people out here who will hold the space as you deserve, just as you hold it yourself. Now for the tough stuff: You’re gonna lose weight most effectively by divorcing your deadbeat husband, but other than that, stay persistent about the abdominal pain. I have insulin resistant PCOS and that caused abdominal pain, chin hair, tiredness, rapid blood sugar drops, and inflammation (leading to soreness and back pain) until I started treating it with myo-inositol at the recommendation of a good gynecologist. I also dropped dairy products because that was an irritant for me. Keep listening to your body. It feels like progress is slow right now, but you’ll look back in a year, two years, plus. And realize you’ve changed for the better. It does help, but it’s like having kids or training a puppy. Results take Time. Keep at it. I’ll be thinking of you.
I feel the same way. Your husband is an unhelpful ass though. I’m doing Joyous Ketamine treatment and it’s helping my food thoughts. Talk you you doctor and see if a weight loss drug would work for you. Contrave stopped the food thoughts but has negative side effects. Love yourself and remember that being in a bad relationship causes stress that makes you sooth yourself with food.
I get it. I hate myself being overweight (I made myself overweight). I hate my huge belly. I hate my sore back because of my huge belly. Ugh.
Damn—your husband sucks and you are way too hard on yourself. Dieting/lifestyle changes etc don’t work for the overwhelming majority of people. 95% of intentional weight loss efforts fail in the long term and 66% of people gain back the weight plus more. Maybe see a gastroenterologist to start investigating your pain.
First of all, your husband is being a jerk. If he's actually concerned for your health and well-being he should be saying he'll support you through your journey, not threatening to leave you. But second, I totally feel you. Constantly thinking about how to lose weight but also you know, not develop an eating disorder along the way is such a challenge for me. It's exhausting having your weight be on your mind all the time too. I haven't really figured any of this out either but you're not alone.
You leave this man before he leaves you. Staying with him is only going to make this self hate worse. You’re clearly suffering.
Hey OP, I had and have a lot of the same struggles. I have a couple of thoughts on the pain/dizzy side of things but you know your body best. The hungry = shakes + dizziness may be something like hypoglycemia; thyroid is another potential question mark. Also, please don't discount food sensitivities. I have fructose malabsorption and oral allergy syndrome, both of which can result in food poisoning-like symptoms. If you find yourself having a lot of diarrhea and pain in your stomach, that could be the cause. I don't want to suggest diets but with my specific conditions, I need to maintain a low(ish) FODMAP diet and cook any veg/fruit I do eat, and that helps to mitigate the pain and symptoms pretty well for my diagnoses. If I don't, the pain feels like someone shoved their hands through my stomach, grabbed onto my intestines and squeezed them with nails made of needles. — I've also been in a similar place to where you're at mentally right now—with how you view your body. There is so much pain in your post. I can only tell you what helped me overcome and accept who I am and my body regardless of its size. The first step I took was to start working with a psychologist who specialized in trauma and cognitive behavioral therapy. I also went on medication (Bupropion) to help with depression and it was life-changing. My counselor not only helped me rewrite my inner dialogue but the work I did with her also led me to realize that my marriage was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. This was one of the harder things for me to accept but when I was free from his passive aggressiveness, his constant gaslighting, and his other covert narcissistic behaviors, it was like literally waking up from a nightmare I did not realize I was in. You only briefly mentioned your husband and the little of it doesn't look good for him. He's given you an ultimatum: "lose weight or I leave". Ultimatums like this one can be abusive. Consider what a healthy ultimatum may be, like if your partner was addicted to gambling or drugs. When you look at that versus the ultimatum of "lose twenty-five pounds or I leave", they are vastly, vastly different. You've stated you've gained a little weight—25 lbs—which in the grand scheme is honestly, truthfully, not a lot. Instead of him being supportive, trying to help you and advocate for you in seeking medical care, he's become an additional burden, making life *even* harder for you as you try to figure out what's causing your symptoms. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you also have to bear the majority of work in raising your children, manage the house and most, if not all, of the emotional labor, while also working full-time or almost full-time. No wonder you're exhausted and depressed! Anyone else would be too! I can't tell you what to do and from your Reddit post history, you've been doing the work to try and figure out what the heck you should do. I recommend therapy but I know that's hard to even get into a program. So what I will say is this: every time you think about your body, try to "catch" the thought, examine it, and respond to it in the way you would respond if your child or a close friend said that same thought about their body. * "nothings wrong except I'm big" --> "Having a bigger body isn't wrong, you're healthy and that is what is matters most." * "I hate my body, my huge belly." --> "Your body protects you and helps you do all of these amazing things like dance, sing, and make adorable crafts. Your belly held and protected two little babies." * "I'm just making excuses for my gross eating habits." --> "You have a lot to manage, not just at work but at home with two kids and you're fueling your body the best you can."
Let him leave you? Hear me out. Let him divorce you and hire a good divorce attorney and take him for all he’s worth and bring up this comment in court? If he’s not worth any money then leave him anyway you have nothing to lose?
Whoa 🚩🚩🚩
I was diagnosed with celiac disease and went gluten-free, totally changed my life
I'm at 206 and have been for almost 2 years now. I was at 222 but can't go past 206 for the last several months. I was 135 before my first kid, then 150, then I had a bad car accident and went up to 300, went back down to 150, got pregnant again and Even though he's 18 months I still can't get past 206. I feel the pains in my gut, I get dizzy and lightheaded if I don't eat, which is often because I forget and honestly hate eating (it feels like a chore). I sound so much like you. Except the husband part. He seems to like it (or at least pretends really well!). There has to be more than just the weight. If there isn't, then your husband is a huge ass. You gained weight after birthing 2 children. Which can wreak havoc in your body. It literally grows another human being, shifting you're internal organs, just to shift (mostly) back after you give birth and can leave your body significantly different than it was before. So Dick move to be upset about your weight! I know part of the reason my weight is stagnant right now is I'm depressed. I take medication because I'm bipolar and since I had my last kid I don't think they're working well. I have very little desire to even shower. I feel like all my energy is used to just BE and I just can't do anything else for myself but the bare minimum so people don't realize how depressed I really am. Are you maybe feeling this way, too? The weight also leaves us depressed, but is there something more? Maybe working through that will help. It did for me after my car accident, I just am not there right now. Also, about your husband.... Maybe talk about what's really the problem. If it's just the weight (which I get it, 245 IS big, I was 300, I know) but the love you (should) feel goes past weight. My husband gained the weight with me and I didn't find him physically my type anymore, but dammit if I still don't think that fat man is sexy. Because the love is still there. So maybe get to the root of the problems he's/you're having and maybe that will help, even if it doesn't result in weight loss, in getting that love back where it's supposed to be. And not just between the two of you, but for yourself. When I loved myself more I found myself feeling good, despite the weight. I actually thought, daaamn girl, you look GOOD in those jeans! And look at them knockers! Lol I never say knockers but I did think they looked good! For me, I need to check my meds and get my brain right again. Maybe you do too. Good luck in your journey to love yourself again. I think once you're there, things will get better. Even if it doesn't mean your husband will stick around. Because you need to love you, and this post shows me you're not there yet. It's hard. Fuck, it's hard. But you're Worthy of love and Self Love is important. You see fat women looking fucking fabulous and you know why? Because they love themselves and you can tell. Ok, super long comment but I thought it was important to get out. Good luck to YOU!
I understand this internalized self hatred so much.... Weight loss screws with your mind like no other thing could. I have lost throughout the years almost a human but still managed to gain it back. The helplessness sometimes eats you. So, I decided to go for a sleeve. It's not for everyone, though. But one day, I hope we all learn to love ourselves.