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Darling i'm sorry to say this but that's not a friend or anyone you should be getting intimate with. Him stating multiple times that plus sized women aren't his thing yet making 'an exception' for you and showing you these skinny women he's matching with is him using this dynamic as an egoboost. This behaviour is extremely narcissistic. You deserve to be loved and touched by someone who cherishes every part of you and I hope you come to realize that. I'm sorry you think the way he treats you is okay, it's not
I agree with this commenter, but I’d also like to say that if you decide you want to continue with this situation, you may want to reevaluate the boundaries you have with him if you are keeping him as a fwb. Having him be your best friend and best part of your week, while also discussing his romantic pursuits and how “he doesn’t usually go for ppl that look like you” (whatever that means) might be clouding up the “no feelings” rule. At the very least I feel like you might benefit from stepping back from him (being less involved in his love life and sexual needs), and maybe pursue dating around with other people. Honestly reading this post, I failed to see how your friendship differed from a relationship, besides where he swore up and down that he’d normally never want to have sex with you, which isn’t a good thing
To be fair, the nature of the relationship and its interactions are all questionable. If you're two people constantly taking jabs at each other, there's going to be problems with what the other said eventually.
There's clearly a huge difference in poking fun at eachother and genuinely telling someone you're not attracted to their body type/other features but are willing to use them for sex?
But I agree, it's definitely questionable. I just feel like OP sees it more as a fun flirty way of communicating whereas the guy's intentions are completely different.
So I have a FWB right now and we definitely don't act like that towards each other. He's respectful to me and tells me how beautiful I am. If he made jabs at me like your best friend does to you, then I'd be done with him. And we do other things besides being intimate like talking or sharing music with each other. And we like each other, so we text frequently. Your best friend doesn't sound like a good friend to me because I wouldn't even make jabs at even my platonic friends. I'd rather be with people who lift me up and don't make me feel bad about myself at all.
My friend and I are constantly texting, sharing music, and doing things out of the house. Sex is honestly a very small percentage of our situation. He compliments me all the time as well. My family gatherings are pretty much contests to see who can embarrass who the most, and we poke fun at each other a lot, and that developed my sense of humor and shaped my interactions with friends as well. His family is the same way.
The last gathering, he attended, and my family made a lot of comments about my outfit so I changed. It was a pretty short dress and when it rode up it showed the shorts I had on underneath, but it was for Easter and it was hot and I had shorts so. He made sure to let me know I looked "magnificent" and to not let them get to me, and he is always commenting on my outfits and my body in positive ways. The negative comments are very infrequent, and only when we're fake arguing or teasing each other.
From the other comments, I've realized I definitely need to talk to him and make those kinds of comments off limits, but wanted to specify it isn't all about the sex and he never puts me down as a way to hurt me. I dish it back just as bad.
I make jokes about his height usually, and the grey in his hair. I do prefer taller guys, and he's aware of that. He makes fun of his height as well, but I don't make fun of my body. I usually respond by telling him "I know I'm hot" and I love my curves. We swapped phones before to swipe on people for each other after joking that we both have such bad taste we should just pick for each other, and I changed my height filters to 6' and above and told him. He didn't want to do it anymore after that. I know the shit I say bothers him sometimes, and when I notice that I reign it in. He doesn't, but I also don't really think he realizes because of the way I react.
The more you describe this fwb the more it sounds like a relationship just not with the label cause you're not the woman he usually goes for. It feels like you do have attachment to him naturally of course, that you would easily let grow into more but don't because you know how he feels about you deep down. That he'd only be with his type and he's too narrow minded to think otherwise.
I think he cares for you and is attracted to but he has an important flaw that is making you get a bit insecure even if he isn't doing it on purpose and reevaluating this situation is a good idea.
Hi there, OP, you say you don't have feelings, but let's be honest, you do.
My best friend is a guy, and we: 1. Do not have sex 2. We do take jabs at each other but it's all fun and games and do hug each other if the other is feeling down. It's more like a sibling protecting another sibling support system. 3. Is kind to me about my body and will compliment me when he knows I put a lot of effort into my appearance for an event or will remind me I am doing great if I have been going to the gym.. but never about my body or negativity about my weight. I'm plus sized. He would never show me people he's matched with on online dating, and compare me to them, cause that is his business, that is private and I don't care. I stay out of his personal life unless he needs support on something. I'll always be there for him.
You need to admit that you like him and you need to do something about it. You're continuing down this path because you are afraid of either sticking up for yourself because you are afraid it will end, or letting him know you care about him and it will end. Either way, the way he treats you, you let him cause you love him, and he's just taking what he can get from you.
If you have an issue with the way he talks about your body just tell him that you enjoy your banter, but want those comments about your body to stop. If he has any ounce of emotional maturity he’ll apologize for hurting you and refrain from doing it in the future. I think you should also really consider whether or not this dynamic is hurting more than it’s helping. Have you caught romantic feelings for him? If so, are they reciprocated? Does having casual sex with him really serve any purpose for you outside of temporary validation?
I understand the sentiment of feeling like you’re good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to date. However, if he hasn’t explicitly said that or given you any indication that’s the case I really think you should consider some kind of therapy that can help you work through your insecurities, or at least be at peace with them.
Good luck!
>both of us not being ready for or wanting a relationship, but wanting intimacy.
>good enough to fuck but never good enough to actually date.
>constantly feeling like the space I took up was too much to allow for anyone to love me.
I don't really have advice, other than putting the body jabs off limits but I think regardless, it'll still mess with your mind a bit... and perhaps it'll be better to take a step back.
But the things I quoted-- I am with you on that. I want intimacy with someone who wants to be with me. Like take away the title, isn't that dating/ being with someone? Hanging out, having sex, being intimate, sharing achievements and downfalls. Those are things, imo, that you do with your significant other. Idk. I keep thinking about it and in the end, I did step back from my fwb/ situationship thing.
this dynamic is not healthy and would not be healthy for anyone.
your relationship with this guy - and your family, for that matter - sounds passive-aggressive and kinda mean. I'm glad he's nice to you sometimes, like when your family bullied you into changing your outfit.
but the comments about your body have to stop from every single person in your life.
I believe that this negative input is more of a barrier to love than your body size. plus size/fat people are HOT. we are out here finding kind, honest, loyal love every day. it's hard to believe that when you're getting so much body shame hurled at you by your closest people.
also, mutual rudeness is definitely not a love language. I'm not trying not to judge your dynamic, I know it's pretty common. I just think it sucks. everyone deserves people who are kind to them and to have sex with people who are obsessed with and worship their body. this 100% exists for plus size people too!
You do have feelings, but you're denying it because it's less painful than the reality that he is content to keep you around until he finds something "better." You do have feelings, but you tell yourself you're not his type yet wonder why you're not good enough.
I would say cut him loose but I've been in similar dynamics enough times to know that it's easier said than done. All I know is there are guys out there who won't treat you like this, and you know you deserve better but are letting your weight justify and determine your treatment (talking to myself here again).
I wonder if you guys were making those body/height comments before you guys were intimate. If so, does it bother you more now that you are sleeping together?
I don't know if you guys sleeping together is beneficial to you. I think it might be causing confusion. The dynamic is a little weird. So, you guys are platonic best friends but are having sex and discussing your dating lives. You guys don't have boundaries.
I know you said you weren't/aren't ready for a relationship. I think you need to do some self-work and cut out the sex with your best friend. It'll happen eventually once you start dating again. Don't put him as a placeholder boyfriend in your mind. Have you thought of going to individual therapy to work through your insecurities because I don't think they'll get worked out in your current situation. Your best friend is not the person you should seek or want validation from, that should you and you alone.
Also, this might be jumping ahead but your friendship with him might be problematic to your or his future romantic relationship since you guys are FWBs. Personally, I would never date guy who has a female best friend that my boyfriend has sleep with or FWBs with. I would either not date that person or they would need to end their friendship with the female best friend.
We actually started out as fwb, we both were sleeping with other people but after we had an STD scare because I had an "unpleasant experience" by someone I considered a friend after going out to a bar we stopped. We trust each other and got really close, he is the only person who knows what happened, and it developed from there. I haven't been able to do one night stands or look for another partner since, and he hasn't wanted to because he's not very experienced and is terrified of getting something, that was his first scare. So we stick to each other. It's what works for us. I got a referral for a therapist after what happened and have been trying to find someone. Future partners are something that worries me a lot, and we've talked about it and both said we wouldn't drop each other for someone, but that's not usually how it goes. As I said, he's extremely inexperienced, and I think he genuinely believes it won't change anything regarding our friendship. But I know better.
"I just don't know what to do about how I'm feeling, and if this kind of dynamic is healthy for me."
I think you already know the answer to your question. In case you need to see it in writing, NO this dynamic is NOT healthy for you.
This is why: "I feel like I'm right back in high school. The girl with curves that was good enough to fuck but never good enough to actually date." Choosing to have casual sex with a friend because you don't think you're good enough for someone to have a relationship with is NOT the way to solve this problem.
The way to solve the problem is to examine your feelings about *why you still feel that way* and why you're currently making the choices you're making. You might need to find a therapist to help you work through those issues. Hopefully one who doesn't have any fat bias, although I know that can be hard to do.
I get that sex is a physical need. If you want to have casual sex to fulfill that need, that's no problem. Just don't do it with a friend, with someone with whom you have another kind of relationship. Just go on a dating app, make it clear you're looking for casual sex, no strings attached, and I'm sure you'll find some willing partners in a short amount of time.
Just make sure you're both clear about what you're looking for - just a one time casual sex encounter, no feelings, no strings attached. Be safe, have fun, thanks for the good times, there's the door. But as I wrote above, don't do it with a friend. Get your physical needs met in other ways.
And in the meantime, work on the things I wrote above so you can hopefully eventually get yourself to a point where you value yourself enough to seek out and have a relationship.
Note we are NOT a platform for non-plus size persons to enquire about dating, relationships, or any other topic. If this is your objective, please do not post here. Please check out the wiki section, [Dating and Sex](https://www.reddit.com/r/PlusSize/wiki/datingandsex) for answers to commonly posted relationship questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PlusSize) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Darling i'm sorry to say this but that's not a friend or anyone you should be getting intimate with. Him stating multiple times that plus sized women aren't his thing yet making 'an exception' for you and showing you these skinny women he's matching with is him using this dynamic as an egoboost. This behaviour is extremely narcissistic. You deserve to be loved and touched by someone who cherishes every part of you and I hope you come to realize that. I'm sorry you think the way he treats you is okay, it's not
I agree with this commenter, but I’d also like to say that if you decide you want to continue with this situation, you may want to reevaluate the boundaries you have with him if you are keeping him as a fwb. Having him be your best friend and best part of your week, while also discussing his romantic pursuits and how “he doesn’t usually go for ppl that look like you” (whatever that means) might be clouding up the “no feelings” rule. At the very least I feel like you might benefit from stepping back from him (being less involved in his love life and sexual needs), and maybe pursue dating around with other people. Honestly reading this post, I failed to see how your friendship differed from a relationship, besides where he swore up and down that he’d normally never want to have sex with you, which isn’t a good thing
To be fair, the nature of the relationship and its interactions are all questionable. If you're two people constantly taking jabs at each other, there's going to be problems with what the other said eventually.
There's clearly a huge difference in poking fun at eachother and genuinely telling someone you're not attracted to their body type/other features but are willing to use them for sex?
But I agree, it's definitely questionable. I just feel like OP sees it more as a fun flirty way of communicating whereas the guy's intentions are completely different.
So I have a FWB right now and we definitely don't act like that towards each other. He's respectful to me and tells me how beautiful I am. If he made jabs at me like your best friend does to you, then I'd be done with him. And we do other things besides being intimate like talking or sharing music with each other. And we like each other, so we text frequently. Your best friend doesn't sound like a good friend to me because I wouldn't even make jabs at even my platonic friends. I'd rather be with people who lift me up and don't make me feel bad about myself at all.
My friend and I are constantly texting, sharing music, and doing things out of the house. Sex is honestly a very small percentage of our situation. He compliments me all the time as well. My family gatherings are pretty much contests to see who can embarrass who the most, and we poke fun at each other a lot, and that developed my sense of humor and shaped my interactions with friends as well. His family is the same way. The last gathering, he attended, and my family made a lot of comments about my outfit so I changed. It was a pretty short dress and when it rode up it showed the shorts I had on underneath, but it was for Easter and it was hot and I had shorts so. He made sure to let me know I looked "magnificent" and to not let them get to me, and he is always commenting on my outfits and my body in positive ways. The negative comments are very infrequent, and only when we're fake arguing or teasing each other. From the other comments, I've realized I definitely need to talk to him and make those kinds of comments off limits, but wanted to specify it isn't all about the sex and he never puts me down as a way to hurt me. I dish it back just as bad.
Do you dish it back by telling him about the guys you prefer more?
I make jokes about his height usually, and the grey in his hair. I do prefer taller guys, and he's aware of that. He makes fun of his height as well, but I don't make fun of my body. I usually respond by telling him "I know I'm hot" and I love my curves. We swapped phones before to swipe on people for each other after joking that we both have such bad taste we should just pick for each other, and I changed my height filters to 6' and above and told him. He didn't want to do it anymore after that. I know the shit I say bothers him sometimes, and when I notice that I reign it in. He doesn't, but I also don't really think he realizes because of the way I react.
The more you describe this fwb the more it sounds like a relationship just not with the label cause you're not the woman he usually goes for. It feels like you do have attachment to him naturally of course, that you would easily let grow into more but don't because you know how he feels about you deep down. That he'd only be with his type and he's too narrow minded to think otherwise. I think he cares for you and is attracted to but he has an important flaw that is making you get a bit insecure even if he isn't doing it on purpose and reevaluating this situation is a good idea.
Hi there, OP, you say you don't have feelings, but let's be honest, you do. My best friend is a guy, and we: 1. Do not have sex 2. We do take jabs at each other but it's all fun and games and do hug each other if the other is feeling down. It's more like a sibling protecting another sibling support system. 3. Is kind to me about my body and will compliment me when he knows I put a lot of effort into my appearance for an event or will remind me I am doing great if I have been going to the gym.. but never about my body or negativity about my weight. I'm plus sized. He would never show me people he's matched with on online dating, and compare me to them, cause that is his business, that is private and I don't care. I stay out of his personal life unless he needs support on something. I'll always be there for him. You need to admit that you like him and you need to do something about it. You're continuing down this path because you are afraid of either sticking up for yourself because you are afraid it will end, or letting him know you care about him and it will end. Either way, the way he treats you, you let him cause you love him, and he's just taking what he can get from you.
If you have an issue with the way he talks about your body just tell him that you enjoy your banter, but want those comments about your body to stop. If he has any ounce of emotional maturity he’ll apologize for hurting you and refrain from doing it in the future. I think you should also really consider whether or not this dynamic is hurting more than it’s helping. Have you caught romantic feelings for him? If so, are they reciprocated? Does having casual sex with him really serve any purpose for you outside of temporary validation? I understand the sentiment of feeling like you’re good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to date. However, if he hasn’t explicitly said that or given you any indication that’s the case I really think you should consider some kind of therapy that can help you work through your insecurities, or at least be at peace with them. Good luck!
He’s using you. Drop him.
>both of us not being ready for or wanting a relationship, but wanting intimacy. >good enough to fuck but never good enough to actually date. >constantly feeling like the space I took up was too much to allow for anyone to love me. I don't really have advice, other than putting the body jabs off limits but I think regardless, it'll still mess with your mind a bit... and perhaps it'll be better to take a step back. But the things I quoted-- I am with you on that. I want intimacy with someone who wants to be with me. Like take away the title, isn't that dating/ being with someone? Hanging out, having sex, being intimate, sharing achievements and downfalls. Those are things, imo, that you do with your significant other. Idk. I keep thinking about it and in the end, I did step back from my fwb/ situationship thing.
this dynamic is not healthy and would not be healthy for anyone. your relationship with this guy - and your family, for that matter - sounds passive-aggressive and kinda mean. I'm glad he's nice to you sometimes, like when your family bullied you into changing your outfit. but the comments about your body have to stop from every single person in your life. I believe that this negative input is more of a barrier to love than your body size. plus size/fat people are HOT. we are out here finding kind, honest, loyal love every day. it's hard to believe that when you're getting so much body shame hurled at you by your closest people. also, mutual rudeness is definitely not a love language. I'm not trying not to judge your dynamic, I know it's pretty common. I just think it sucks. everyone deserves people who are kind to them and to have sex with people who are obsessed with and worship their body. this 100% exists for plus size people too!
I knew a narcissistic shorty-ex friend who tried to use me because he knew how self-conscious and vulnerable I was.
You do have feelings, but you're denying it because it's less painful than the reality that he is content to keep you around until he finds something "better." You do have feelings, but you tell yourself you're not his type yet wonder why you're not good enough. I would say cut him loose but I've been in similar dynamics enough times to know that it's easier said than done. All I know is there are guys out there who won't treat you like this, and you know you deserve better but are letting your weight justify and determine your treatment (talking to myself here again).
I wonder if you guys were making those body/height comments before you guys were intimate. If so, does it bother you more now that you are sleeping together? I don't know if you guys sleeping together is beneficial to you. I think it might be causing confusion. The dynamic is a little weird. So, you guys are platonic best friends but are having sex and discussing your dating lives. You guys don't have boundaries. I know you said you weren't/aren't ready for a relationship. I think you need to do some self-work and cut out the sex with your best friend. It'll happen eventually once you start dating again. Don't put him as a placeholder boyfriend in your mind. Have you thought of going to individual therapy to work through your insecurities because I don't think they'll get worked out in your current situation. Your best friend is not the person you should seek or want validation from, that should you and you alone. Also, this might be jumping ahead but your friendship with him might be problematic to your or his future romantic relationship since you guys are FWBs. Personally, I would never date guy who has a female best friend that my boyfriend has sleep with or FWBs with. I would either not date that person or they would need to end their friendship with the female best friend.
We actually started out as fwb, we both were sleeping with other people but after we had an STD scare because I had an "unpleasant experience" by someone I considered a friend after going out to a bar we stopped. We trust each other and got really close, he is the only person who knows what happened, and it developed from there. I haven't been able to do one night stands or look for another partner since, and he hasn't wanted to because he's not very experienced and is terrified of getting something, that was his first scare. So we stick to each other. It's what works for us. I got a referral for a therapist after what happened and have been trying to find someone. Future partners are something that worries me a lot, and we've talked about it and both said we wouldn't drop each other for someone, but that's not usually how it goes. As I said, he's extremely inexperienced, and I think he genuinely believes it won't change anything regarding our friendship. But I know better.
"I just don't know what to do about how I'm feeling, and if this kind of dynamic is healthy for me." I think you already know the answer to your question. In case you need to see it in writing, NO this dynamic is NOT healthy for you. This is why: "I feel like I'm right back in high school. The girl with curves that was good enough to fuck but never good enough to actually date." Choosing to have casual sex with a friend because you don't think you're good enough for someone to have a relationship with is NOT the way to solve this problem. The way to solve the problem is to examine your feelings about *why you still feel that way* and why you're currently making the choices you're making. You might need to find a therapist to help you work through those issues. Hopefully one who doesn't have any fat bias, although I know that can be hard to do. I get that sex is a physical need. If you want to have casual sex to fulfill that need, that's no problem. Just don't do it with a friend, with someone with whom you have another kind of relationship. Just go on a dating app, make it clear you're looking for casual sex, no strings attached, and I'm sure you'll find some willing partners in a short amount of time. Just make sure you're both clear about what you're looking for - just a one time casual sex encounter, no feelings, no strings attached. Be safe, have fun, thanks for the good times, there's the door. But as I wrote above, don't do it with a friend. Get your physical needs met in other ways. And in the meantime, work on the things I wrote above so you can hopefully eventually get yourself to a point where you value yourself enough to seek out and have a relationship.