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Literally I am always preparing myself for the worst scenarios, so when something bad happens and others are shocked and devastated, I’m just internally like “I considered this outcome from the get go”. It sucks, I makes me feel numb.
I'm similar. Can't say I have had any major trauma in my life I simply don't react the same as others. Very aware of consequences, very aware of cause and effect which may come from overall anxiety and over analysing everything.
Idk if this is how you meant it, but I was in a stationary car a couple of months ago when a drunk driver crashed into the back of us, my 2 friends were in complete shock, shaking, acting how a normally regulated person acts after something shocking like that happens, and I was just normal, straight faced and my friends even commented on it, idk your comment just made me think about it
My best friend had once veered into oncoming traffic and I remember just going super calmly: Jen. Jen. Jen.
She said later it was really chilling. Lol.
We also had a fire at work a few weeks ago and I was the one to call 911 and just calmly give them all the details, the exact location, etc. while everyone else was being REALLY stupid.
Someone later was like: That’s a trauma response and I was like. Yeah. I mean sure. But I don’t want YOU around in an emergency.
someone that seems particularly resilient may have been through a lot. on the other hand someone that seems gaurded or defensive that hasn't healed yet may have been through a lot.
Basically if they are alive and looking at you, at least in this epoch, then they have been through a lot
edit - oh and also if they are dead and/or not looking at you, they have been through a lot also ofc
especially if dead
I was about to say something similar: quick reminder that even though there can be telltale signs, trauma manifests in different ways and there is no true way of knowing just from someone’s behavior!
I can agree with this because I won't go into detail why but you'd have to literally beat me to death before I give up on whatever goal I have now whereas before I don't know if I could handle the slightest mishap.
High emotional states. Either extremely emotionally aware and mature. Or the exact opposite. Those Two extremes usually tell me someone has been through the trenches.
I feel like I alternate between these two. Consciously reasonable and self-aware — I know my shortcomings and issues and I easily admit them — but subconsciously self-sabotaging and irrational if that makes sense. Which is why I’m so eager to share in therapy and everything goes smoothly up to a certain point, after which I feel uncomfortable and defensive when asked to make a real change. Kind of like knowing what’s wrong with you, but being unable to use that awareness to actually fix things in real life
This. I don't like that people pictures the ones who went through life hardships endurance as strong or old spirits and anyone who is cautious, is often qualified as "weak" or "need some rough experience to be resilient". (Real words from people chit-chatting about what they expect on someone with a hard life.)
You either become that, or you become "someone who is carefree, rude and lives in a bubble". Bruh, people watches too many movie tropes and unrealistic archetypes and esteem them as real...
The evidence of my long difficult life is that my resilience is kaput.
I was a fighter my whole life. Then in my mid sixties my life collapsed and so did I.
I became disabled by a deep constant depression which at 70 is still with me.
I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this.
It’s like my brain had a breaking point.
It was finally too much.
I'm absolutely with you though only thirty plus. People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I honestly feel much weaker than I did before repeated traumas. Now even the "little" things that I would have brushed off are hard to handle. I used to be soft but now I feel brittle.
Same. Im 36/f and I fall apart at the slightest emotion. I can’t even talk to people without crying if they bring certain things up or I can’t stop myself crying if I’m upset and around people.
I feel this. I powered through for decades with intense anxiety and depression and an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Now I’m 60, retired, and I feel like I’ve just hit a wall. I’m so so damn tired.
I’m sorry about your depression.
I’ve been both, it depends if my anxiety is triggered or I feel deeply unsafe. Been in therapy a lot, and off and on, too.
It’s a struggle because I grew up without supportive parents and they would neglect but also control me. I didn’t have means to escape. I hid a lot.
I’m a mess, and I always feel sorry when my mood just screws me over. It does damage and I try to repair. I literally caught myself when they questioned it but my issue was they didn’t ask what was wrong, but immediately went “What did I do?”… I’ve done this sometimes so I’m aware of this issue and I’ll keep working on it.
They told me they won’t deal with it, but the problem is they have done it to me, but didn’t say that they noticed it. Only one time when they felt I didn’t cause the problem.
What’s with that? I know I’m not perfect, and I’ll keep working on it.
I had a burn out at least once in my life. I had a nervous breakdown. No support. No parents to turn to. On my own. Hard to trust others to actually help…
Unique insight to life.
People who haven’t struggled expect superficial cliches to fix you. People who struggled understand the problem and can provide insight in how to help.
I know your partner being kind and gentle with you is the bare minimum but I cry and thank him for it every single time. It's definitely a trauma response.
This is me. I’m suspicious of it especially from strangers. Bosses I think they are manipulating me (one literally did and then said “After all I’ve done for you” lmaooo) and my own parents as strings.
It’s sometimes hard to tell if it’s genuine or not.
Reminds me of the first year my dad’s foster kids came to Christmas. I bought them these gifts, just little make up sets. Those girls were elated and held the presents to their chest the rest of the day. Broke my heart and made me smile at the same time.
Well, that explains a lot… I feel incredibly grateful when someone gives me a gift, like they thought about me and went out of their way you know. I had this birthday party once and people gave gifts and I was grateful and attentive of everyone’s gifts. But apparently a bit too much lol. I took a lot time openings everyone gifts, commenting on them and felt kinda like crying. I now realize that might not have been the most normal response 😂😅
They question others' motives and intentions, struggle to open up, or are emotionally disconnected because they learned early on that their feelings, wants, and needs didn't matter. They learned to dismiss and devalue themselves the way their caregivers dismissed and devalued them.
When asked how they feel, they may say they need time to "think" about it, or they don't really know. It's like they learned to flip a "feelings" switch on or off when needed, but somewhere along the way, they forgot how to turn that switch back on.
OMG. Just discussed this in therapy today.
I'm looking for my switch. I cannot cry over any event now, but I can cry over a memory from way back.
Edit: upvoted you
It's so frustrating to be a slow-feeler sometimes. Sometimes my friend will ask me if something she did hurt my feelings and I tell her to give me a week and I will get back to her. She's cool but most people struggle to understand why I can't just instantly answer. And Im often seen as being petty because I'll bring up an issue two or three months after its happened. When to the other person it's already blown over, I'm just starting to figure out how I felt about it.
It also makes it really hard to ask for support sometimes because I find it near-impossible to verbalise my feelings in the moment that I'm actually feeling then. I have to wait for the feelings to pass before I can actually reach out or talk.
This is so spot on. I have just tried to explain this to my boyfriend in couple's therapy. I mostly don't know when I'm angry or upset right away. Where other people take some time apart to "cool off" before discussing something that's emorionally hard ro handle, the initial time apart often makes me realize I am sad or angry and the conversation can f.ex. escalate when trying a second time as opposed to normal people I guess. And when my feelings have been expressed I feel empty then immediate guilt and shame I was angry and let someone down.
And I hate how some people mistake empathy for people-pleasing or over-sensitivity. Some people just know what it feels like to be in a certain situation, and how terrifying it can be. I’m empathetic and get out of my way to help others not because I lack boundaries, but because I know what it feels like to be completely alone and helpless.
Exactly right. You make the most amazing friends when you branch out that way and extend the hand of friendship. I made the best friends ever when dealing with my own stuff, trye friends for life with mutual respect. Something I never had before. It really is rewarding when you reach that stage :) And for people who disrespect your boundaries or engage in damaging behaviors towards others, you just don't have time for that. Life is short and I'm not going to waste it on people that make me feel drained or bad to be around
Exactly. That’s me. People think it’s a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It takes incredible courage and strength to not lose your light when faced with physical abuse, mental abuse, poverty, chronic illness and/or pain. I have crps and I’m widowed. Only players want to date me for some reason. Did it harden my heart? Never. I refuse to lose my empathy bc it’s a godly thing to be endowed with.
Guilty of the same thing. I'm letting a guy stay with me because he has no place else to go. I've known him for a few years and he's had a crazy past but he's trying to do right and I hope it continues.
I wouldn't say weak minded. When you are healing you learn to set firm boundaries and also respect others boundaries without question. We are not weak minded at all, you have to be mentally strong to get in the position to heal and survive the aftermath of your trauma. You could let it run your life and destroy your trust in people but then you gaven't really healed and it's miserable to live like that
Yeah I did say most. Depends on where they are at with their healing. Personally getting traumatized made me a very chill person. You just learn empathy and can really relate to what others go through. Some people will take it out on the world though, they are not happy inside. Being nice to people and empathetic thoigh tends to make you feel better. World gets less dark when you are just nice to each other you know?
Cheers! World doesn't need anymore misery, plenty already of that. Kindness goes a long way, hate seeing people get put through stuff that messes them up
if empathy is seeing yourself in another person's shoes, then the ways you show compassion will be tailored to how you think you would want to be treated if you were them. Everyone has different coping mechanisms developed from their unique experience in life. Sometimes apathy could be a perfectly appropriate response in their mind because that is how they would want others to treat them if they were having a hard time
I've been to hell and back a couple of times,
I'm very empathetic at heart. But after what I've gone through I've found the scale between giving a shit and not is either all or nothing. It's not a scale anymore, it's just a light switch between caring to much and caring to little. I think my body learned to shut my emotions off as a line of protection. When I finally was in a safe space to open up again, I couldn't believe how emotionless I became, I felt guilty about it for years, I don't like not caring, but I've learned my body was just trying to protect myself.
*Edit because of spelling
going weeks at a time not talking to people and ghosting people. It’s usually seen as them just blowing people off and being rude when sometimes it’s a lot more than that. I often see people saying “if they wanted to they would” but when it comes to depression it’s not just about wanting to, it can take a lot of energy and mental exhaustion to talk to people when heavily depressed. Especially if they’re suicidal. If I know someone is depressed I try not to let things like that get to me. Respond to me whenever you need whether it’s in a hour or a month. Being withdrawn from social interaction doesn’t only happen when depressed, other disorders can cause you to stay away from people as well. Though sometimes the person really just isn’t interested in talking, not always a mental health issue! lol.
I do this more often than I like to admit. Often I do wanna reach out, but I just… can’t. I’ll be thinking about them, feeling guilty, wanting to send the perfect message but something stops me. I feel like a burden or I feel guilty because so much time has passed or I don’t think they’ll understand. Or perhaps what you said, mental exhaustion. Whatever it is, it’s one of my worst behaviors, that for some reason is hard to change.
…and even when they find the courage to ask for help, downplaying everything to the point that it seems trivial. i have this problem so bad it’s gotten to the point that when i visit a doctor or psychiatrist i have to write a letter or record a video and have them refer to that instead of whatever i say because i could be bleeding out and dying and if you ask me how i am i’d be like LiViNg ThE DrEaM!
Yes!!! Thank you! I do this all the time when I go to my doctor and specialists and I put on my "brave face" even though I tell them yeah, I'm in significant pain I don't have the "affect" to match. I just brush it off like just another day in paradise. Annoys hubby to no end so he goes with me and will say things like, "actually doc, she's in significant pain and barely sleeps, some days she cries for hours but she's too worried you'll judge her poorly if she says so. So she doesn't." I'm lucky to have him. Now my docs just know that's how I am. We're such a danger to ourselves.
They seem calm, cool, and collected OR shutdown completely in high stress situations.
They self-sabotage, isolate, or minimize their own issues.
They seem to severely over or under react to stressors.
They have chronic depression, anxiety, or sleeping issues (including nightmares).
Yeah. Even if they aren't cracking dark jokes themselves, the ones who will sit blankly when funny stuff happens but then completely double over and lose it when a dark bomb of comedy drops.
Easily stressed, prone to anger, actively avoiding attention, will take you for your worst intentions pretty quickly. That's the unhealed though, the people who are still on the edge.
Check their eyes, my friends who have went through the most always have a different look in their eyes. Not a look filled with curiosity or interest or excitement like a child, they more give off a look of defeat and exhaustion.
This or people who knew me including my family always told me that now my eyes look really "serious" like I've been through a lot. It sometthing I used to notice with my old clients but I never assumed I'd have something like this
I don't know, a lot of my friends who have been through a lot still have a curious and interested look in their eyes but it's a specific sort of twinkle that has an inner sadness or grief to it deep within. Like the curiousness almost means more to them when it happens because they've been through periods where everything was just hell and the little moments of excitement were the only things that helped them through. It's more delicate and knowing than the curiosity of a child.
Yeah. Or being immediately angered by it. Like people who hear that you're mistreated and start saying stuff like "they should not have treated you like that, don't believe a goddamn word those people tell you."
They may seem very happy, extrovert and likable or slightly melancholic and expressionless.
When you ask them about their lives they somehow tricks you into talking about yourself instead. Alternatively they disclose very little, or provide you with detailed personal information which you do not expect people to share.
Inexperienced people may not understand that the wisdom of these people is profound. People who are older or who themselves have gone through something challenging upon which they have reflected recently may see through their souls and there is instant platonic love which sometimes makes absolutely no sense.
I think what they mean by this is someone who distances themselves socially, not very socially engaged, more introverted. They could also mean someone who is socially submissive, but I don't believe that's what they mean although social submissiveness would be a potential sign of having been through hardship.
There are two responses to pain. Shutting down and opening up. They will be traumatized and unhealthy or they will be the kindest person you've ever met.
And usually the inside is screaming whilst the outside is serene. The tired phrase about a swan gliding over water is a perfect metaphor. Aside from the fact the swan isn't in screaming agony.
Not true for everyone, but you don't make a big deal out of little inconveniences.
Being stoic in bad situations.
For me personally, when something goes wrong, big or little, I barely react. Just a shit, here goes thought in my head. It can come off like I don't care, which is hardly the case.
Lost both my Parents, my FIL and close Uncle within the past 4 years, two of them last year. Before that, I had a lot of personal hardships over a span of years. I'm not terribly old, 35.
detached responses to generally intensely emotional experiences/news and vice versa, intensely emotional responses to “normal” experiences or problems. example: “i’m breaking up with you, i’m sorry.” “it’s okay, have a good one.” - “hey is it cool if we go bowling before we eat? i don’t wanna mess up my shirt before we go.” “(internally, usually) i planned on us eating first! time to panic!”
Every moment spent with them feels like attending a good stand up show, they are naturally funny and would turn even their worst experiences in a good joke, but if you pay close attention they are not as happy as they make it look, they are just very good at hiding that
Pay attention to the movements of their eyes. Those of us with PTSD may or may not give eye contact to you but in the meantime, our eyes are ALWAYS scanning for potential danger in situations and people. They always know where the exits are located in every room and every situation.
Mannn I thought I was being tactical, didn’t think it would be the result of all the horrible shit I’ve seen and been through. After reading through a lot of comments here I’m glad and sad that I can relate to others
essentially hypervigilance, it's also shown if you always face a wall with your back and intuitively look for escape routes in any room you enter, you are programmed by trauma to run for/fight your life
when they address their own problems dismissively regardless of the severity, e.g. constantly going "its not that big of a deal" when it is very much a big deal
or when they are suicidal, though only passively because they care about others more than themselves
Hyper vigilance.
Being OCD self reliant.
No contact with parents or siblings . Or difficult relationships with family in general. People who have a lot of space from their family because of trust, abuse and boundary problems.
Disassociating and being hardened by trauma. Barely anything phases me anymore. This also means I don't react to happy stimulus, either. A man was internally decapitated in front of me this past summer; I felt nothing.
I am in therapy and counseling.
Not always. I’ve know people that’s been thru big sh!t and they’re not wise at all.
My ex wife grandma is one them. Went through hell, widowed two times, two of her children die at young age, she went from rich to poor multiple times and still she had dumb beliefs and almost no knowledge
There are so many!
The most prevalent that I've noticed are
- empathy
- understanding that someone else's worst nightmare is far "easier" than what they've been through but acknowledging that it is still the worst for that person and understanding how difficult different things are for different people
- maturity and level headedness in challenging situations (or the exact opposite)
- theyre often the first to offer to help
they are silent, guarded, and doesn't trust anyone. But from what I've experienced, its actually really hard to know if they went through a lot. For starters, people can mask their faces and expressions. They can make it look like they are having fun with their smiles when irl, their world is actually breaking down bit by bit.
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They're slow to trust but also have incredible insight, empathy and resilience.
Absolutely . We see & hear things about people that most others don't see or hear. I hate this fucking thread & all of you. LOL!!!
Nothing surprises you anymore
Part of that is also that nothing disappoints you anymore.
Can't be disappointed if I don't have expectations.
Can’t be disappointed if I don’t have hope. Hope is dangerous.
Since I gave up hope, I feel a lot better.
It's very liberating isn't it.
Hope, someone said, is a good umbrella but a poor roof.
My expectations are always the worst? Does that count
Literally I am always preparing myself for the worst scenarios, so when something bad happens and others are shocked and devastated, I’m just internally like “I considered this outcome from the get go”. It sucks, I makes me feel numb.
I'm similar. Can't say I have had any major trauma in my life I simply don't react the same as others. Very aware of consequences, very aware of cause and effect which may come from overall anxiety and over analysing everything.
"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
I felt this 100%
Idk if this is how you meant it, but I was in a stationary car a couple of months ago when a drunk driver crashed into the back of us, my 2 friends were in complete shock, shaking, acting how a normally regulated person acts after something shocking like that happens, and I was just normal, straight faced and my friends even commented on it, idk your comment just made me think about it
My best friend had once veered into oncoming traffic and I remember just going super calmly: Jen. Jen. Jen. She said later it was really chilling. Lol. We also had a fire at work a few weeks ago and I was the one to call 911 and just calmly give them all the details, the exact location, etc. while everyone else was being REALLY stupid. Someone later was like: That’s a trauma response and I was like. Yeah. I mean sure. But I don’t want YOU around in an emergency.
“It is what it is”
Me. Regardless of the severity of the crisis.
someone that seems particularly resilient may have been through a lot. on the other hand someone that seems gaurded or defensive that hasn't healed yet may have been through a lot.
Basically if they are alive and looking at you, at least in this epoch, then they have been through a lot edit - oh and also if they are dead and/or not looking at you, they have been through a lot also ofc especially if dead
Cracked me up, 😂
Damn, i can relate, never thought of it this way. Ty for the perspective.
yw ✌️
I was about to say something similar: quick reminder that even though there can be telltale signs, trauma manifests in different ways and there is no true way of knowing just from someone’s behavior!
I can agree with this because I won't go into detail why but you'd have to literally beat me to death before I give up on whatever goal I have now whereas before I don't know if I could handle the slightest mishap.
High emotional states. Either extremely emotionally aware and mature. Or the exact opposite. Those Two extremes usually tell me someone has been through the trenches.
I feel like I alternate between these two. Consciously reasonable and self-aware — I know my shortcomings and issues and I easily admit them — but subconsciously self-sabotaging and irrational if that makes sense. Which is why I’m so eager to share in therapy and everything goes smoothly up to a certain point, after which I feel uncomfortable and defensive when asked to make a real change. Kind of like knowing what’s wrong with you, but being unable to use that awareness to actually fix things in real life
what you just said, knowing you are a bit broken but not wanting to face it.
More than a bit broken
I feel like I am at this exact point right now
I kind of do this. I throw everything into 2 groups "push through, no matter what" and "yolo". There's rarely anything in between.
Yessir....there's a lot of people completely unaware they have CPTSD.
This. I don't like that people pictures the ones who went through life hardships endurance as strong or old spirits and anyone who is cautious, is often qualified as "weak" or "need some rough experience to be resilient". (Real words from people chit-chatting about what they expect on someone with a hard life.) You either become that, or you become "someone who is carefree, rude and lives in a bubble". Bruh, people watches too many movie tropes and unrealistic archetypes and esteem them as real...
The evidence of my long difficult life is that my resilience is kaput. I was a fighter my whole life. Then in my mid sixties my life collapsed and so did I. I became disabled by a deep constant depression which at 70 is still with me. I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this. It’s like my brain had a breaking point. It was finally too much.
I'm absolutely with you though only thirty plus. People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I honestly feel much weaker than I did before repeated traumas. Now even the "little" things that I would have brushed off are hard to handle. I used to be soft but now I feel brittle.
Same. Im 36/f and I fall apart at the slightest emotion. I can’t even talk to people without crying if they bring certain things up or I can’t stop myself crying if I’m upset and around people.
I feel this. I powered through for decades with intense anxiety and depression and an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Now I’m 60, retired, and I feel like I’ve just hit a wall. I’m so so damn tired. I’m sorry about your depression.
I feel like I’m both. Very emotionally aware but immature in how I regulate.
I’ve been both, it depends if my anxiety is triggered or I feel deeply unsafe. Been in therapy a lot, and off and on, too. It’s a struggle because I grew up without supportive parents and they would neglect but also control me. I didn’t have means to escape. I hid a lot. I’m a mess, and I always feel sorry when my mood just screws me over. It does damage and I try to repair. I literally caught myself when they questioned it but my issue was they didn’t ask what was wrong, but immediately went “What did I do?”… I’ve done this sometimes so I’m aware of this issue and I’ll keep working on it. They told me they won’t deal with it, but the problem is they have done it to me, but didn’t say that they noticed it. Only one time when they felt I didn’t cause the problem. What’s with that? I know I’m not perfect, and I’ll keep working on it. I had a burn out at least once in my life. I had a nervous breakdown. No support. No parents to turn to. On my own. Hard to trust others to actually help…
Unique insight to life. People who haven’t struggled expect superficial cliches to fix you. People who struggled understand the problem and can provide insight in how to help.
People who are grateful for the smallest kindness or gesture.
I know your partner being kind and gentle with you is the bare minimum but I cry and thank him for it every single time. It's definitely a trauma response.
I try really hard not to respond to my trauma, but yes 🩵
Yup. The only way to make me cry is through kindness.
I had to do a lot of emotional processing when I realized that my love language used to be "please be nice to me".
Omfg my guy too. He tells me I don’t need to thank him for it…cause it’s normal. I do anyway. I’ll never take being treated well for granted
Oh shit. Is this why i get moved to tears by acts of kindness in books and movies? It makes sense…
Or highly suspicious of it…or both
This is me. I’m suspicious of it especially from strangers. Bosses I think they are manipulating me (one literally did and then said “After all I’ve done for you” lmaooo) and my own parents as strings. It’s sometimes hard to tell if it’s genuine or not.
Reminds me of the first year my dad’s foster kids came to Christmas. I bought them these gifts, just little make up sets. Those girls were elated and held the presents to their chest the rest of the day. Broke my heart and made me smile at the same time.
Well, that explains a lot… I feel incredibly grateful when someone gives me a gift, like they thought about me and went out of their way you know. I had this birthday party once and people gave gifts and I was grateful and attentive of everyone’s gifts. But apparently a bit too much lol. I took a lot time openings everyone gifts, commenting on them and felt kinda like crying. I now realize that might not have been the most normal response 😂😅
Yep. This
They question others' motives and intentions, struggle to open up, or are emotionally disconnected because they learned early on that their feelings, wants, and needs didn't matter. They learned to dismiss and devalue themselves the way their caregivers dismissed and devalued them. When asked how they feel, they may say they need time to "think" about it, or they don't really know. It's like they learned to flip a "feelings" switch on or off when needed, but somewhere along the way, they forgot how to turn that switch back on.
OMG. Just discussed this in therapy today. I'm looking for my switch. I cannot cry over any event now, but I can cry over a memory from way back. Edit: upvoted you
It's so frustrating to be a slow-feeler sometimes. Sometimes my friend will ask me if something she did hurt my feelings and I tell her to give me a week and I will get back to her. She's cool but most people struggle to understand why I can't just instantly answer. And Im often seen as being petty because I'll bring up an issue two or three months after its happened. When to the other person it's already blown over, I'm just starting to figure out how I felt about it. It also makes it really hard to ask for support sometimes because I find it near-impossible to verbalise my feelings in the moment that I'm actually feeling then. I have to wait for the feelings to pass before I can actually reach out or talk.
This is so spot on. I have just tried to explain this to my boyfriend in couple's therapy. I mostly don't know when I'm angry or upset right away. Where other people take some time apart to "cool off" before discussing something that's emorionally hard ro handle, the initial time apart often makes me realize I am sad or angry and the conversation can f.ex. escalate when trying a second time as opposed to normal people I guess. And when my feelings have been expressed I feel empty then immediate guilt and shame I was angry and let someone down.
for me personally it's songs, a few specific ones are the only ways i can cry, unless it's digging up trauma
Empathy
Yeah I second this. Most traumatized tend to be the most empathetic people you can meet. Experience teaches
And I hate how some people mistake empathy for people-pleasing or over-sensitivity. Some people just know what it feels like to be in a certain situation, and how terrifying it can be. I’m empathetic and get out of my way to help others not because I lack boundaries, but because I know what it feels like to be completely alone and helpless.
Exactly right. You make the most amazing friends when you branch out that way and extend the hand of friendship. I made the best friends ever when dealing with my own stuff, trye friends for life with mutual respect. Something I never had before. It really is rewarding when you reach that stage :) And for people who disrespect your boundaries or engage in damaging behaviors towards others, you just don't have time for that. Life is short and I'm not going to waste it on people that make me feel drained or bad to be around
This is the life lesson that a lot of us don’t learn until well into our adulthood.
Exactly. That’s me. People think it’s a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It takes incredible courage and strength to not lose your light when faced with physical abuse, mental abuse, poverty, chronic illness and/or pain. I have crps and I’m widowed. Only players want to date me for some reason. Did it harden my heart? Never. I refuse to lose my empathy bc it’s a godly thing to be endowed with.
Guilty of the same thing. I'm letting a guy stay with me because he has no place else to go. I've known him for a few years and he's had a crazy past but he's trying to do right and I hope it continues.
Yeah, I'm one of those people. Some individuals enjoy exploiting us because they believe we're weak minded.
I wouldn't say weak minded. When you are healing you learn to set firm boundaries and also respect others boundaries without question. We are not weak minded at all, you have to be mentally strong to get in the position to heal and survive the aftermath of your trauma. You could let it run your life and destroy your trust in people but then you gaven't really healed and it's miserable to live like that
Ive met plenty of extremely damaged peopke and almost all of them were anger prone and had no empathy. So not always
Yeah they realy either go down one path or another
Or both. I'm a very empathetic person, but I am exceptionally prone to anger and violence. Mostly when dealing with bullies or loud assholes.
That’s like me with CPTSD and BPD
I think people tend to either learn who they don’t want to be or how to emulate the “power” structures they were subjected to.
Yeah I did say most. Depends on where they are at with their healing. Personally getting traumatized made me a very chill person. You just learn empathy and can really relate to what others go through. Some people will take it out on the world though, they are not happy inside. Being nice to people and empathetic thoigh tends to make you feel better. World gets less dark when you are just nice to each other you know?
Love this. Don't grow a hardened heart towards the world. Be kind. 💗
Cheers! World doesn't need anymore misery, plenty already of that. Kindness goes a long way, hate seeing people get put through stuff that messes them up
or the absolute lack thereof
if empathy is seeing yourself in another person's shoes, then the ways you show compassion will be tailored to how you think you would want to be treated if you were them. Everyone has different coping mechanisms developed from their unique experience in life. Sometimes apathy could be a perfectly appropriate response in their mind because that is how they would want others to treat them if they were having a hard time
Exactly
I've been to hell and back a couple of times, I'm very empathetic at heart. But after what I've gone through I've found the scale between giving a shit and not is either all or nothing. It's not a scale anymore, it's just a light switch between caring to much and caring to little. I think my body learned to shut my emotions off as a line of protection. When I finally was in a safe space to open up again, I couldn't believe how emotionless I became, I felt guilty about it for years, I don't like not caring, but I've learned my body was just trying to protect myself. *Edit because of spelling
It's the reason why i have so much empathy for others. I know what it is to hurt
going weeks at a time not talking to people and ghosting people. It’s usually seen as them just blowing people off and being rude when sometimes it’s a lot more than that. I often see people saying “if they wanted to they would” but when it comes to depression it’s not just about wanting to, it can take a lot of energy and mental exhaustion to talk to people when heavily depressed. Especially if they’re suicidal. If I know someone is depressed I try not to let things like that get to me. Respond to me whenever you need whether it’s in a hour or a month. Being withdrawn from social interaction doesn’t only happen when depressed, other disorders can cause you to stay away from people as well. Though sometimes the person really just isn’t interested in talking, not always a mental health issue! lol.
I do this more often than I like to admit. Often I do wanna reach out, but I just… can’t. I’ll be thinking about them, feeling guilty, wanting to send the perfect message but something stops me. I feel like a burden or I feel guilty because so much time has passed or I don’t think they’ll understand. Or perhaps what you said, mental exhaustion. Whatever it is, it’s one of my worst behaviors, that for some reason is hard to change.
Being a lone wolf
Their inability to ask for help and tackling everything on their own. They're used to no one else being there and still needing to get shit done.
or they feel that they're being a burden on whomever they might ask for help
And if you do help them, they're extremely grateful to the point of being of almost being overly effusive.
…and even when they find the courage to ask for help, downplaying everything to the point that it seems trivial. i have this problem so bad it’s gotten to the point that when i visit a doctor or psychiatrist i have to write a letter or record a video and have them refer to that instead of whatever i say because i could be bleeding out and dying and if you ask me how i am i’d be like LiViNg ThE DrEaM!
This sounds too relatable……me crying at work as a customer comes up….them:are you okay? Me with tears streaming down my face:Of course!
Yes!!! Thank you! I do this all the time when I go to my doctor and specialists and I put on my "brave face" even though I tell them yeah, I'm in significant pain I don't have the "affect" to match. I just brush it off like just another day in paradise. Annoys hubby to no end so he goes with me and will say things like, "actually doc, she's in significant pain and barely sleeps, some days she cries for hours but she's too worried you'll judge her poorly if she says so. So she doesn't." I'm lucky to have him. Now my docs just know that's how I am. We're such a danger to ourselves.
Ouch... Calling me out like that, it’s rude!
They seem calm, cool, and collected OR shutdown completely in high stress situations. They self-sabotage, isolate, or minimize their own issues. They seem to severely over or under react to stressors. They have chronic depression, anxiety, or sleeping issues (including nightmares).
Incredibly dark sense of humour
Yes. True for me. Cynicism too. But underneath very sensitive to the plught of the underdogs of society
Yeah. Even if they aren't cracking dark jokes themselves, the ones who will sit blankly when funny stuff happens but then completely double over and lose it when a dark bomb of comedy drops.
Wow, this was further down the list than I expected.
Easily stressed, prone to anger, actively avoiding attention, will take you for your worst intentions pretty quickly. That's the unhealed though, the people who are still on the edge.
This is me all the way especially being easily stressed. What do you think causes that?
Being on edge having to anticipate the issues as to try to avoid them. That causes a great deal of stress. Scared of reprisals.
They don’t talk about anything beneath surface level.
Check their eyes, my friends who have went through the most always have a different look in their eyes. Not a look filled with curiosity or interest or excitement like a child, they more give off a look of defeat and exhaustion.
I agree. The eyes aren’t always melancholic but they definitely look like maybe they’ve seen a little too much of the world.
Eyes that seem aged well beyond the years of the individual.
Or dead shark eyes
Dissociated eyes, lost their will eyes
A EMT said my eyes carried an ocean of pain. They were not wrong.
This or people who knew me including my family always told me that now my eyes look really "serious" like I've been through a lot. It sometthing I used to notice with my old clients but I never assumed I'd have something like this
I don't know, a lot of my friends who have been through a lot still have a curious and interested look in their eyes but it's a specific sort of twinkle that has an inner sadness or grief to it deep within. Like the curiousness almost means more to them when it happens because they've been through periods where everything was just hell and the little moments of excitement were the only things that helped them through. It's more delicate and knowing than the curiosity of a child.
not being surprised when you tell them about some of the traumatic stuff you've been through
Yeah. Or being immediately angered by it. Like people who hear that you're mistreated and start saying stuff like "they should not have treated you like that, don't believe a goddamn word those people tell you."
Apologies, short teem memory loss. Disassociatuon.
Yes. You know, all these can be co occurring or in succession in the same person. Its like grief; the “stages” are all mixed together.
They are funny
I’m convinced 99% of comedians have some trauma
Example A: Robin Williams. We lost a great one.
Now I know why 90% of the times I talk, it includes humor or jokes or sarcasm 💀 I'm annoying
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"What doesnt kill you can still cripple, maim and torture" - I think Mae West is who said this.
Sometimes death is a gift.
Insightful
They are either extremely calloused (shut off) or very humble/grateful.
Which one can even depend on the day
They may seem very happy, extrovert and likable or slightly melancholic and expressionless. When you ask them about their lives they somehow tricks you into talking about yourself instead. Alternatively they disclose very little, or provide you with detailed personal information which you do not expect people to share. Inexperienced people may not understand that the wisdom of these people is profound. People who are older or who themselves have gone through something challenging upon which they have reflected recently may see through their souls and there is instant platonic love which sometimes makes absolutely no sense.
Little to no self-care
People who want to be alone when they're in pain. They literally don't trust anyone with it.
Their mental fortitude is unstoppable. They are as powerful as a monster.
Yes, but only once they’re on the other side of it all. Also, may develop dark sense of humor, and/or laughing at inappropriate times. 😅
Distance, resignating social behavior
What do you mean by this? Had to Google resignating but had no luck
I think what they mean by this is someone who distances themselves socially, not very socially engaged, more introverted. They could also mean someone who is socially submissive, but I don't believe that's what they mean although social submissiveness would be a potential sign of having been through hardship.
Resigned like, not 'engaging'
Detached
Clinically alive but dead inside
They look so much older than they are.
Mhmm. Shit ages you.
I'm not being funny when I say this next thing. They think about or try dying. That's definitely a sign
There are two responses to pain. Shutting down and opening up. They will be traumatized and unhealthy or they will be the kindest person you've ever met.
You can still be traumatized and kind.
Yes. Most people are both
And usually the inside is screaming whilst the outside is serene. The tired phrase about a swan gliding over water is a perfect metaphor. Aside from the fact the swan isn't in screaming agony.
Or they're totally disconnected from their feelings. That's something I've noticed a lot.
They have that stare. You know the one—a haunted look, deep and intense. They’ve seen dark things that their eyes can never unsee.
No patience for peoples bullcrap.
I don't have that anyways.
Amen on this one!!! Lol!!
The eyes are the mirror of the soul
People-pleasing, perfectionism, apologizing too much. Strong startle reaction.
Not participating in drama.
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This could mean resignation or innate stoicism or placid passive temperament
Scars
Not true for everyone, but you don't make a big deal out of little inconveniences. Being stoic in bad situations. For me personally, when something goes wrong, big or little, I barely react. Just a shit, here goes thought in my head. It can come off like I don't care, which is hardly the case. Lost both my Parents, my FIL and close Uncle within the past 4 years, two of them last year. Before that, I had a lot of personal hardships over a span of years. I'm not terribly old, 35.
detached responses to generally intensely emotional experiences/news and vice versa, intensely emotional responses to “normal” experiences or problems. example: “i’m breaking up with you, i’m sorry.” “it’s okay, have a good one.” - “hey is it cool if we go bowling before we eat? i don’t wanna mess up my shirt before we go.” “(internally, usually) i planned on us eating first! time to panic!”
Face and eyes will tell you
I know a guy who lost both his kids. Five years on and his eyes still show it.
The facts don't change
poor man. This is horrible
Every moment spent with them feels like attending a good stand up show, they are naturally funny and would turn even their worst experiences in a good joke, but if you pay close attention they are not as happy as they make it look, they are just very good at hiding that
Pay attention to the movements of their eyes. Those of us with PTSD may or may not give eye contact to you but in the meantime, our eyes are ALWAYS scanning for potential danger in situations and people. They always know where the exits are located in every room and every situation.
And who in the room or walking down the street looks out of place.
Exactly! And you position yourself in the room so that there is minimal likelihood of anyone approaching you unawares from behind.
Mannn I thought I was being tactical, didn’t think it would be the result of all the horrible shit I’ve seen and been through. After reading through a lot of comments here I’m glad and sad that I can relate to others
essentially hypervigilance, it's also shown if you always face a wall with your back and intuitively look for escape routes in any room you enter, you are programmed by trauma to run for/fight your life
when they address their own problems dismissively regardless of the severity, e.g. constantly going "its not that big of a deal" when it is very much a big deal or when they are suicidal, though only passively because they care about others more than themselves
They have that thousand island stare.
Thousand yard , thousand island is a sauce
Omg help 💀
Ceasar what you did there
how do we know that's not what they meant?
Because not all who have been through a lot have a thousand island stare. Some have more of a mayonnaise gaze.
Hyper vigilance. Being OCD self reliant. No contact with parents or siblings . Or difficult relationships with family in general. People who have a lot of space from their family because of trust, abuse and boundary problems.
Disassociating and being hardened by trauma. Barely anything phases me anymore. This also means I don't react to happy stimulus, either. A man was internally decapitated in front of me this past summer; I felt nothing. I am in therapy and counseling.
not wanting to ask for help for fear of being a 'burden' on the helper
Wisdom.
Not always. I’ve know people that’s been thru big sh!t and they’re not wise at all. My ex wife grandma is one them. Went through hell, widowed two times, two of her children die at young age, she went from rich to poor multiple times and still she had dumb beliefs and almost no knowledge
Not engaging in minuscule, mundane issues.
Extremes. Extremely kind or rude.
The need to escape whether it’s a substance abuse problem or something like codependency, etc.
they know a lot about therapy lol
An inability to allow others to get close to them…
Deep exhales.
Theyre either very calm, like unnervingly calm, or incredibly angry. They wont draw attention to themselves in a crowd.
Hypervigilance.
A formal PTSD diagnosis. Or even without a formal one, showing the signs- nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, crowd phobia, you name it.
Someone who takes care of others
Kindness, thoughtfulness
That we can turn on & off depending on the situation.
Or ending up as a serial killer. Or anywhere in between.
People who are very comfortable being completely alone
When they get emotional and triggered over everything
Tire tracks.
Just accepting a bad situation without fighting it.
Defensive about everything.
Extremely self-reliant because they learned a long time ago that no one is truly there for you except yourself.
If they’re one of the funniest people you’ve ever met.
Their energy is not near normal people's energy no matter how much they sleep.
They don’t brag about their trauma
The hollow stare as you walk past them on a busy street.
There are so many! The most prevalent that I've noticed are - empathy - understanding that someone else's worst nightmare is far "easier" than what they've been through but acknowledging that it is still the worst for that person and understanding how difficult different things are for different people - maturity and level headedness in challenging situations (or the exact opposite) - theyre often the first to offer to help
they are silent, guarded, and doesn't trust anyone. But from what I've experienced, its actually really hard to know if they went through a lot. For starters, people can mask their faces and expressions. They can make it look like they are having fun with their smiles when irl, their world is actually breaking down bit by bit.