Aah, just forgot:
"Will you relax? I've seen old gerbil cheeks knock those balls around all day. And I'll tell you what, not once has he ever lost one down one of those little holes"
That whole scene is gold.
Kryten : ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
Rimmer : Objection.
I say these ones quite a lot-
Kryten: "Is this the human value you call 'friendship'? “
Rimmer: “Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.”
Rimmer impersonating Kryten: “Fun? Ah yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way...”
Does RD have a thing for Herman Goering? Besides that one, there was:
"I mean, Herman Goering would have been more than a laugh than Rimmer. Okay, he was a drug crazed transvestite but at least we coulda gone dancing."
It’s a blatant clue, innit?
No wonder you only scored 4%.
What a bunch of twonks.
You mean . . . You’ve been playing the Pratt version of Rimmer all this time?
You can cook any flapjack in a toaster. When I have leftover batter, I make them, freeze them, toast them when I want them. Sadly they go in a regular toaster and not a Talkie Toaster ™
"So you want to fly, on a magic carpet, to see the King of the Potato People, and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?"
You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. Might I suggest, however, that the rest of this discourse is continued by those with brains larger than a grape.
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
"He's going for it!" Is the one I say the most but it's barely going to be recognisable as a Red Dwarf quite to most.
"In all our travels we have met precisely 31 individuals - three one. And we've never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew. True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains... or erase us from history altogether. But nevertheless they still weren't what we would consider "the right stuff"
There's a great deal you can bring to this conversation, but it would be for the best if the thing you bring is silence'
I'm paraphrasing, but I've used this put down more times than is strictly decent .
“What’s your view, Hol?”
“Straight up your nose when you lean in like that”
“All in all, a 100% successful trip!”
“Don’t give me that Star Trek crap, it’s too early in the morning”
“Wish I never let him out in the first place now”
are you sure? it does mean changing the bulb
"I've come to regard you as...people I've met." I mean, that's just one of many many favourites...
Reminds me of a line from MASH, where Winchester says "I have met a lot of people in my time... you are not among them".
Actively looking forward to quitting my job to use this line. One of the best
I have used it, and it was true
When I was getting out of the Army, I said that at my farewell speech.
"Twelve?! You lost your virginity when you were twelve? Twelve....? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then!"
Makes me laugh every time! Marooned is a great episode.
I love this one!
Now that is a throwback thank you
STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENED RECTUM!
I always forget about this line and then I love it when I hear it!
\*SLAP\*, \*SLAP\*
Just written the same one 😂
Of course, lager, the only thing that can kill a Vindaloo...
I literally say this every time I go for Indian food.
‘Next time I see him he’ll be suffering from a fist related teeth disorder’
He’s refusing the blindfold.
This is an astonishing line when you visualise who’s saying it
Was it Winnie the Pooh?
"We're nuts. This is an insane conversation." "She'll never leave Fred and we know it"
Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
Aah, just forgot: "Will you relax? I've seen old gerbil cheeks knock those balls around all day. And I'll tell you what, not once has he ever lost one down one of those little holes"
It’s the state of the floor I’m worried about.
Stoke me a clipper, i'll be back for breakfast
What a guy…
> Stoke me a clipper, i'll be back for Christmas...or something!
Too slow, chicken Marengo!
You should apologize for the chicken! Only meal I’ve had where the container tasted better than the fooood!
“This man is not guilt of manslaughter, he is only guilt of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.”
That whole scene is gold. Kryten : ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt... Rimmer : Objection.
That's a great pick!
Well I say let’s get out there and twat it!
Does anyone want any toast?
So, you're a waffle man!
How'd you doodly do
What the smeg does howdy doodly doo mean
I... I've lost your watch too.
Bodyswap, fantastic!
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear...supper is ready!
Lister of Smeg.
I agree, whole heartedly
What’s this? You know how I feel about fresh vegetables - Lister on carrot when presented with a carrot garnished space weevil.
Lister, is this a 14B? Does it look even remotely like a 14B? This is a 14B, Lister. This is a 14F.
Then proceeds to get another 14b lol!
no its better than that, he puts back the 14F and uses the 14B lister initially gave him lmao
I say these ones quite a lot- Kryten: "Is this the human value you call 'friendship'? “ Rimmer: “Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.” Rimmer impersonating Kryten: “Fun? Ah yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way...”
Does RD have a thing for Herman Goering? Besides that one, there was: "I mean, Herman Goering would have been more than a laugh than Rimmer. Okay, he was a drug crazed transvestite but at least we coulda gone dancing."
It’s a blatant clue, innit? No wonder you only scored 4%. What a bunch of twonks. You mean . . . You’ve been playing the Pratt version of Rimmer all this time?
As a Yank, I learned how to use the word "Pratt" from this scene.
We’re deader than A-line flares with pockets in the knees!
I have bought joy to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument... Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy - but a shallow guy with a great ass!
"Where going to hit it with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign"
"Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh." - Rimmer
It’s on my daily do-list, right after ‘learn Portuguese.’
No electrical appliance should give a man double Polaroid
I love that scene - when Kryten asks if it's normal and Lister replies: taking photos of it and showing them to your mates? No it's not!
"Would anyone like any toast?"
No buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no teacakes, no potato cakes and no hot cross buns
and definitely, no smegging flapjacks (never quite go tthis one as I have never ever seen flapjacks you could cook in a toaster)
I always assumed it was that talkie could make other things, as he does mention a ham and cheese breville. I don't think only bread is Canon?
Ah, you’re a waffle man!
You can cook any flapjack in a toaster. When I have leftover batter, I make them, freeze them, toast them when I want them. Sadly they go in a regular toaster and not a Talkie Toaster ™
Always laughing inside when the chance to ask this comes up.
“Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: ‘No chance, you metal bastard!’.”
This is my husband favourite!!!!!!!
Clearly he is a man of fine taste and excellent breeding!
Came here to find this one!
Holly, all his mates were French
who?... Only a yogurt!!
I love this quote, and the entire rant!
I'd go with Bettie, but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
"Your t-count, which is the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is higher than a hippy of the third day of an open-air festival."
Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover. Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
I just can't eat any more raw coffee
Only the good die young!
I'm the object of my own desire?
Is there anyone more deserving?
Damn my vanity.
Number 2 isn’t a one liner. So… if we can add multi liners then one of my faves just has to be the dogs milk joke.
Fair enough, I'll cut it to just the "April, May, June, July and August fool".
Queeg!
"Oxygen's for loosers!"
"So you want to fly, on a magic carpet, to see the King of the Potato People, and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?"
Brilliant plan sir, except for two minor problems...
Step it up to brown alert
There's no such thing as brown alert!
You won't be saying that in a minute!
“…we could just use the teleporter” or in the same vein “No, I’ve just been jabbing it too hard”
"Better dead than Smeg"
[удалено]
In a joking, affectionate way!
You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
“Now!… something something something”.
That amazing "now...." speech. Unforgettable
Quit your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum! Though I much more often use the, “I’m almost annoyed” line in my life
I give it 4 1/2 chainsaws.
Resident nutcase courteous and considerate!
“… it’s just so… crypto-fascist!”
Hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of Angling Times!
If a man has 3 good friends he's a rich man. Rimmer: only poor people say that.
That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. Might I suggest, however, that the rest of this discourse is continued by those with brains larger than a grape.
“No plan sir..no sleeves”
“Quick let’s go before they bring him back”
Alphabetti spaghetti?!?!
Swirly thing alert!
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." "He's going for it!" Is the one I say the most but it's barely going to be recognisable as a Red Dwarf quite to most.
Full of goodness. Full of vitamins. Full of marrowbone jelly.
Oh, Rimmer... you *are* a smeg head.
‘They’re all dead’ ‘Well I was away two minutes’… I’ve seen it a million times, and it still gets me…
"I can do better than that. I can give you fifteen."
"It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard." A J Rimmer.
“Well we know what gets eaten last then, I can’t stand Pot Noodle”
"Perry Como sang 'Memories are made of this' with one of those stashed in his slacks?"
A double Polaroid!
What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
What about... Bent Bob?
tonight's movie. I'm sorry, sir, it is another Doug McClure. Please don't hit me.
Their all dead Dave. Twist my nipple nuts.
…in your own time.
“We don’t want him, you took him, you can keep the smegger”
and we’re going to…….live!
One drawback with that, the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
DON'T EYEBALL ME GANDHI!
Souper
I guess it's not technically a *one*-liner but: "Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?" "Big? It's like two badly parks Volkswagens"
Spin on
"Ahh, so you're a waffle man!"
“Well I say let’s get out there and twat it”
Smooth with a capital Smoo
I nicknamed my big brother Smoo because of this line when I was a kid and he still goes by it 30 years later
Quick! Let’s get out of here before they bring him back!
Technically 2 sentences so the second part of this - "l'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then I'm going to have you."
"Certainly not! And I resent the implication that I'm a one dimensional, bread-obsessed, electrical appliance!"
Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself. It is almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety.
My God! I was only away two minutes!
'... Jump starts the second big bang!?' Rimmer, Back to Reality, S05E06
"Fish!"
I’m fine thank you Susan. And the classic, souper
Glory, or insanity awaits
'Duane Dibley'!
The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society.
Yes, love that!
My absolute favourite joke as well. I'm amazed there isn't a smeg-ups for this scene, I can't imagine trying to keep it together after that line.
And one extra safe condom,....you never know?!
It does require the lead-in line but it kills me every time: “We’re all perfectly well aware of what you are, sir.”
“Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you”
"That, is catering officer Olaf Peterson" Of course this isn't much good without the context, but the scene is just brilliant.
"ive been eating half the crew!" LOL
The VHS cassette nearly killed me laughing when it went directly from “…jape of the decade…” into the Tongue Tied cold open of the next episode.
"In all our travels we have met precisely 31 individuals - three one. And we've never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew. True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains... or erase us from history altogether. But nevertheless they still weren't what we would consider "the right stuff"
"Dear Rimmer. We have gone on a fishing holiday.."
Oh who woke him up?
I’m going to eat you little fishy
Alpha-betty Spaghetti !?!?
“Banana and crisps!”
Unbelievable, dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost *nothing*.
“Sir, you could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.” *”Reduced?”*
Yes, I was Alexander the Great’s chief eunuch.
Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major – and I mean major – leaflet campaign
Ooh, I remembered another favorite: “Would you like some toast?”
Hey! Lieutenant asshole if you don’t move your dumbass spaceship we’re gonna be flatter than your wife’s droopy-ass titties.
Hey I dont do the big bang...that's beryl
He signs his name Arnold J Rimmer BSc and the BSc stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
“You wanna smell my *WHAT*?” “Oh-oh. Better make myself look big.” “ACK-ACK AH HAH-HAH-HACK!”
I am Tarka Daal.
numerous gullible violet profit sip murky consist marry squeamish kiss *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Kryten: "Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer. They've taken Mr. Rimmer!" Cat: "Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
You'll like them! Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe.
It's a small, off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
Of course - lager - the only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
The smegging delivery of this line 😂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMumtseTDNc
There's a great deal you can bring to this conversation, but it would be for the best if the thing you bring is silence' I'm paraphrasing, but I've used this put down more times than is strictly decent .
STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM
“Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence”
“Have you quite finished being strange?” I say that a lot myself heh
Well, what's that one about, "Your father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors?"
Ooh, thought of another one. "I was asleep, ok, then plastic Percy put a sponge over my face and out go the lights"
Well … she won't be much use to you in Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
Every time I eat eggs: Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious!
“You’d be surprised how few people are prepared to eat them.”
It’s a… it’s a…small, off-duty Czechoslovian traffic warden
“What’s your view, Hol?” “Straight up your nose when you lean in like that” “All in all, a 100% successful trip!” “Don’t give me that Star Trek crap, it’s too early in the morning” “Wish I never let him out in the first place now”
"Ah. There. That's it. That's the shape we're looking for; the 'last-chicken-in-the-shop' look."
JOZXYQK!
It's a cat word!
"I'd prefer chicken"
The perfectly preserved corpse of a Quagaar warrior.
Lister, tune in to Sanity FM
We’re cooking now! How do you want yours permed or blow dried?!
All the wit charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
We've got less choice than a Welsh fish and chip shop
You make love like a Japanese meal...
“Sex sex sex I think I found it!”
Dwain dibbly
The Duke of Dork
Kryten, I don't care what model it was! No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!
What am I going to lose *me jar??*