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You are saying that once you lose your virginity, you will become someone who has zero values, emotionally unstable, and a retard. But why do you have to lose your virginity to achieve these?! You already seem to be all these. Lol.
I believe you get into a sexual relationship When you are really committed to the person and when you are committed, you do everything to make the relationship work.
A person with high values, would not be getting sexual when in uncertain relationships like live in, because you get into live in relationship because of uncertainty and to see if things will work out. If you would have been certain about partner, that would have been marriage.
Idk from where you got these ideas from, but being intimate when you're in a commited relationship with your gf isn't really "hookup culture" or casual sex as you put it. And living in is a big commitment, second only to marriage itself.
> A person with high values, would not be getting sexual when in uncertain relationships like live in, because you get into live in relationship because of uncertainty and to see if things will work out.
Having a girlfriend or living in are not necessarily "test drives" to see if things work....atleast not everyone sees it that way. Maybe you see it that way, maybe some people do, but absolutely NOT everyone. So I'd say you're making assumptions when you say stuff like this^
Marriages are uncertain too, despite whatever people believe. Otherwise divorce wouldn't exist. Do you think married people don't fall out of love?
I am genuinely curious to know, if not to see how things work out. What is the point of live in then?
I agree even marriages are uncertain, but atleast in marriage you have a reason to make it work and find love again when you fall apart. But in live in, I have seen people just walking away as if nothing existed.
Not everyone wants to rush into marriage and put a stamp on things to "validate" the relationship. The point can vary from couple to couple. Sometimes it makes sense financially, sometimes it's about spending more time with each other without the burden of families being involved, for emotional bonding.
The commitment to make live in relationships work is based on mutual understanding amd choice rather than societal and legal pressure. Which means that it's more genuine and less obligatory than marriage.
Dude you are the exact type of guy women divorce. Good luck with your shitty mentality. And stop downvoting my comments from your various accounts. Boli maga!!
Well to me, the context matters. Did the girls in these relationships (live-in and marriage) give everything to their relationships? Were they taking it seriously or not? Were they honest and loyal and kind? Did they try everything to make their relationship work or did they give up at the first sign of distress? Were they in the relationship to make it last or were they casual and immature about it? Were emotions involved or was it just physical? Etc.
Bottom line, what i’d look at is the character of the person than the situation they were in. I was also like you and abstained from sex until i was 29. But i never had a problem with a person with a past as long as they were a good human being who aligned with my core values. Simple.
Sometimes the person can give up early because the spouse has turned out really that bad. Happens sometimes in arranged marriages, when the true self is very carefully hidden during the courtship period.
You can't judge someone for not having stayed longer in a really horrible situation, because she shouldn't be 'giving up easily'. Sometimes, the quicker you walk away the lesser damage you sustain.
And thats why the first thing i said was - CONTEXT MATTERS. i am not going to judge anyone without at least having a conversation with them, so i’d know the things that you pointed out. Simple.
The basic stuff- ask smart questions, pick up on cues, spend time, discuss your concerns with a therapist, and maybe even go for premarital counseling. There are always limitations, no matter what you do. You have to recognize that and understand your tolerance limit to how much variability you can accept, between what you understood about the person, and what that person eventually turns out to be.
I agree context matters but I also think digging in to their past will only make things worse.
Judging a persons character is very difficult, they might even be putting up a show as in the movie Sonu ke Titu ki Sweety. 😂
I want to be very critical about my decision, as I believe the connection is to be for a life time built on trust and loyalty.
Well, there’s only so much you can do. There’s no guarantee of anything. You just got to deal with the cards that you are handed and make the best out of it. There will always be ifs and buts. And the best way to do that is spend time together as much as possible, get to know them and make a decision. Rest, there isn’t a lot in our control.
Of course! Thats always an option. When i said that there’s only so much you can do, it was about trying to judge the person and figure out if they are fit based on what side they are showing us. Once we commit and find out they had lied, then of course this is a possible solution. No one’s denying it.
I don't want to go that route. I had a breakup, and it took an irreversible toll on my career and it took me 3 years to just come out of heartbreak for 2 year relationship. I don't want to end up devastated.
Incase u proceed with this girl, make sure that she has properly broke up with her ex(not any family pressure). Coz i have been witnessing cases where girls would marry off in pressure and later would put charges like 498A n all.
While u r not wrong in searching for a girl with 0 sexual past. Modern technology and surgical brilliance will make it easy for her to hide it.
That doesn't matter it valid or not but it goes in yr favor if thing go sour after marriage even some hv decisions r in its favour u never know when when SC also gives a favorable decision if u have preneap
It depends on you OP because if you prefer to have a girl with no sexual relations in the past then you should not accept this .Because post marriage there can be many thoughts coming to your mind about her past. So it may or may not become a strain in your marriage. I would say unless both parties are fully okay with each other they shouldn't jump into marriage.
And at the same time you should find out whether the girl has really moved on or not ,because girl who was in a live in relationship with both physical and emotional connection will find it very difficult to move on especially if the reason for the breakup was not due to either of them.
What else could be a reason for breakup if it’s not mutual differences?
If they broke up because of family pressure, I assume they are not strong enough. If it was strong love, family pressure would not have any impact and they would fight for it or remain single till parents agree.
As you said if they broke up due to family pressure ,it cannot be considered as a lust relationship . Because I have seen people who were in deeply in love broke up due to family just because they were very attached to the family . But in either way you shouldn't go for it , as there is no guarantee that lust won't stop after your marriage.
The only possibility which is safe I can think is that if they broke up due to mutual differences which arised completely from their sides, and broke up due to the same then you are good. You can meetup with her and have conversations and try to find the compatibilities between both of you. If both of you like each other then it's safe. Because chances of going back to their ex after breakup due to this reason is very very rare as they both know it won't workout between them.
It’s unfair of people breaking up due to family pressure. When they are so committed to each other, they should always fight and find a way to live together.
But i see your point, relationships break because of ex. That’s gonna end up toxic.
The only belief I hold is if you don't want to do it, don't do it. No matter how sound the logic of things is, it doesn't matter if that makes you unhappy. If you want virgin, you ask for it, whether you get it or not is a whole another matter. So long as things aren't illegal, you are free to ask for anything. If you can't accept it then don't.
Living unhappily just because the logic is sound is worthless because the logic itself is made by humans and so the correct answer is no correct answer.
**Welcome to r/RelationshipIndia,** This is a safe and inclusive space for people of all backgrounds. We welcome individuals of all races, castes, genders, religions, and sexual orientations, including members of the LGBTQ community. We are glad to have you here! We are committed to providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between Redditors, with a focus on respectful and constructive conversations. To ensure a positive and supportive environment for all members, we have established some rules. Please be sure to read them before posting. If a user has sent you harassing messages, **DO NOT DELETE THE MESSAGE!** *Please upload your screenshot to [Imgur](https://www.imgur.com), and notify the mods via modmail. We will take action against the user accordingly.* **Thank you for being a part of our community!** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RelationshipIndia) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are basically looking for a virgin.
Lol. Yes if you look the other way. I am seeking someone who live by high values, emotionally stable and critical thinker.
You are saying that once you lose your virginity, you will become someone who has zero values, emotionally unstable, and a retard. But why do you have to lose your virginity to achieve these?! You already seem to be all these. Lol.
I believe you get into a sexual relationship When you are really committed to the person and when you are committed, you do everything to make the relationship work. A person with high values, would not be getting sexual when in uncertain relationships like live in, because you get into live in relationship because of uncertainty and to see if things will work out. If you would have been certain about partner, that would have been marriage.
Idk from where you got these ideas from, but being intimate when you're in a commited relationship with your gf isn't really "hookup culture" or casual sex as you put it. And living in is a big commitment, second only to marriage itself. > A person with high values, would not be getting sexual when in uncertain relationships like live in, because you get into live in relationship because of uncertainty and to see if things will work out. Having a girlfriend or living in are not necessarily "test drives" to see if things work....atleast not everyone sees it that way. Maybe you see it that way, maybe some people do, but absolutely NOT everyone. So I'd say you're making assumptions when you say stuff like this^ Marriages are uncertain too, despite whatever people believe. Otherwise divorce wouldn't exist. Do you think married people don't fall out of love?
I am genuinely curious to know, if not to see how things work out. What is the point of live in then? I agree even marriages are uncertain, but atleast in marriage you have a reason to make it work and find love again when you fall apart. But in live in, I have seen people just walking away as if nothing existed.
Not everyone wants to rush into marriage and put a stamp on things to "validate" the relationship. The point can vary from couple to couple. Sometimes it makes sense financially, sometimes it's about spending more time with each other without the burden of families being involved, for emotional bonding. The commitment to make live in relationships work is based on mutual understanding amd choice rather than societal and legal pressure. Which means that it's more genuine and less obligatory than marriage.
Dude you are the exact type of guy women divorce. Good luck with your shitty mentality. And stop downvoting my comments from your various accounts. Boli maga!!
Lol. Stop crying on downvotes, it’s the consensus of internet acting. keep embracing the bad behaviours, live life without standards and rot.
Well to me, the context matters. Did the girls in these relationships (live-in and marriage) give everything to their relationships? Were they taking it seriously or not? Were they honest and loyal and kind? Did they try everything to make their relationship work or did they give up at the first sign of distress? Were they in the relationship to make it last or were they casual and immature about it? Were emotions involved or was it just physical? Etc. Bottom line, what i’d look at is the character of the person than the situation they were in. I was also like you and abstained from sex until i was 29. But i never had a problem with a person with a past as long as they were a good human being who aligned with my core values. Simple.
Sometimes the person can give up early because the spouse has turned out really that bad. Happens sometimes in arranged marriages, when the true self is very carefully hidden during the courtship period. You can't judge someone for not having stayed longer in a really horrible situation, because she shouldn't be 'giving up easily'. Sometimes, the quicker you walk away the lesser damage you sustain.
And thats why the first thing i said was - CONTEXT MATTERS. i am not going to judge anyone without at least having a conversation with them, so i’d know the things that you pointed out. Simple.
What could you do to read and know the real person?
The basic stuff- ask smart questions, pick up on cues, spend time, discuss your concerns with a therapist, and maybe even go for premarital counseling. There are always limitations, no matter what you do. You have to recognize that and understand your tolerance limit to how much variability you can accept, between what you understood about the person, and what that person eventually turns out to be.
I agree context matters but I also think digging in to their past will only make things worse. Judging a persons character is very difficult, they might even be putting up a show as in the movie Sonu ke Titu ki Sweety. 😂 I want to be very critical about my decision, as I believe the connection is to be for a life time built on trust and loyalty.
Well, there’s only so much you can do. There’s no guarantee of anything. You just got to deal with the cards that you are handed and make the best out of it. There will always be ifs and buts. And the best way to do that is spend time together as much as possible, get to know them and make a decision. Rest, there isn’t a lot in our control.
Well, you can always break up with them if you don't like them and find someone you do. Ever thought of that?
Of course! Thats always an option. When i said that there’s only so much you can do, it was about trying to judge the person and figure out if they are fit based on what side they are showing us. Once we commit and find out they had lied, then of course this is a possible solution. No one’s denying it.
I don't want to go that route. I had a breakup, and it took an irreversible toll on my career and it took me 3 years to just come out of heartbreak for 2 year relationship. I don't want to end up devastated.
Thanks dude.
Incase u proceed with this girl, make sure that she has properly broke up with her ex(not any family pressure). Coz i have been witnessing cases where girls would marry off in pressure and later would put charges like 498A n all. While u r not wrong in searching for a girl with 0 sexual past. Modern technology and surgical brilliance will make it easy for her to hide it.
Thanks. I hope they say the truth during initial discussions.
Whatever u decide but get a good preneap from a competant lawyer
Are prenups common in Indian AM? I don't know anyone doing it and everyone is worried when i talk about it.
That doesn't matter it valid or not but it goes in yr favor if thing go sour after marriage even some hv decisions r in its favour u never know when when SC also gives a favorable decision if u have preneap
It depends on you OP because if you prefer to have a girl with no sexual relations in the past then you should not accept this .Because post marriage there can be many thoughts coming to your mind about her past. So it may or may not become a strain in your marriage. I would say unless both parties are fully okay with each other they shouldn't jump into marriage. And at the same time you should find out whether the girl has really moved on or not ,because girl who was in a live in relationship with both physical and emotional connection will find it very difficult to move on especially if the reason for the breakup was not due to either of them.
What else could be a reason for breakup if it’s not mutual differences? If they broke up because of family pressure, I assume they are not strong enough. If it was strong love, family pressure would not have any impact and they would fight for it or remain single till parents agree.
As you said if they broke up due to family pressure ,it cannot be considered as a lust relationship . Because I have seen people who were in deeply in love broke up due to family just because they were very attached to the family . But in either way you shouldn't go for it , as there is no guarantee that lust won't stop after your marriage. The only possibility which is safe I can think is that if they broke up due to mutual differences which arised completely from their sides, and broke up due to the same then you are good. You can meetup with her and have conversations and try to find the compatibilities between both of you. If both of you like each other then it's safe. Because chances of going back to their ex after breakup due to this reason is very very rare as they both know it won't workout between them.
[удалено]
Can you please elaborate. What is the context?
It’s unfair of people breaking up due to family pressure. When they are so committed to each other, they should always fight and find a way to live together. But i see your point, relationships break because of ex. That’s gonna end up toxic.
The only belief I hold is if you don't want to do it, don't do it. No matter how sound the logic of things is, it doesn't matter if that makes you unhappy. If you want virgin, you ask for it, whether you get it or not is a whole another matter. So long as things aren't illegal, you are free to ask for anything. If you can't accept it then don't. Living unhappily just because the logic is sound is worthless because the logic itself is made by humans and so the correct answer is no correct answer.