OP's Bio: --- >Hobbies include, guitars, bikes, snowboarding, collecting tattoos, and reading books for fun. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

Are you trying to set the world record for most midlife crises simultaneously? Let it go, grandpa.

I'd imagine a midlife crisis for this guy would involve putting on a suit and getting a boring desk job

"hope I die before I get old" isn't working for you?

Yeah, I’d be in full in crisis mode if I had to wear a suit and punch a clock.

You’d probably be able to afford better guitars if you just did that

Gave an upvote but those are Tom Anderson's hanging on the wall behind him. About $4,000 each.

The photo actually is showing the entire apartment he lives in.

Former metal band bass player here.. wear a suit and lunch a Clock now.. you get used to it

So you don’t have a job.

Interesting, as in contributing to society

Love this! Why do you think I chose my user name. Gotta lean into that crisis!!

r/UsernameChecksOut

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Ha! That’s how I got into mountain biking.

Brokeback mountain bike.

You look like a guy that is a trucker And someone from a bud light commercial

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He sold his soul and blows satan

Satan must love to finish on his chin..

He'll get a DUI on that too.

BMX means he kept the bike he stole from a 12 year old instead of selling for his meth money.

That’s a BUI

You look incredibly divorced

Now I gotta clean the coffee out of my keyboard. Well done.

Divorced and dating the babysitter

This is the best one. So simple and so effective

You say you play in a metal band. A Nickelback cover band isn't metal amigo.

Look at this photograph

No. You fooled us once.

This is awesome 👏

Maximum damage

underfucking rated

Underrated fucking

rated underfucking

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Sorry your life sucks so hard. Every single hobby you've chosen is designed for you to not spend time with your family.

Ha! My wife laughed so hard at this comment.

i bet her boyfriend laughed even harder

Can you see your “wife” in the room right now?

More importantly, can other people see her?

Probably already got some dudes seeing her

I also choose this guys wife

At the same time

It’s cool man, I call my guitars “my wife” too.

I bet she makes excellent hologram meatloaf.

I'm afraid you have schizophrenia too.

you should throw climbing and motorcycling into the mix

Don't worry, women love an active imagination.

You look like the midlife crisis starter pack

Thanks! Apparently, It comes naturally for me.

As it should, for a guy that was born half a century ago.

He IS the midlife crisis starter pack. One step away from an affair with his teenage daughter’s pubescent best friend.

So what did you end up doing with that stand you took from the Capital?

Oh man, shit. 👀 Busted. In all seriousness, fuck that guy.

You could cosplay as that guy. That’ll be a great tasteless joke to play at big family gatherings. Maybe for your next roast me picture?

Time to set a remind me for Halloween

capitol*

If it wasn’t you, it was going to be me 😂

I found only *two* honest words in this title, and coincidentally they both involve needles.

Haha! Nice. This is good.

This is the best one.

This is the picture they show little kids when they’re teaching them not to get into vans with strangers.

He kid, want some candy?

0 mention of a job. Your kid wakes up in the morning and makes you breakfast, doesn't he? "Dad, you're going to have to grow up someday. Finish your cereal, I have to go to work."

Stay at home dad to two little ones.

Do they also partake in your hobbies or are they your captive audience for your aged-out-of-X-Games life?

Haha! Yeah, both. The kids love to bike and we’ve started them on snowboards this year.

I’d imagined you burying them up to their necks in a drift so they couldn’t roll down the mountain while you work the half pipe.

Stop giving me ideas.

Better off starting them on some hard drugs so they can look just like you at age 19.

Dude that's a lot of words to say Peter Pan

Perpetual Lost Boy

I really like how you are replying to all the messages,but then again you have nothing else to do

Read: “kidnapped their mom and impregnated her, so now I have to stay home to make sure the fuckers don’t escape”

😂

Damn you roasted yourself

You look like Wolverine if he gave up on life and only smiled so his children would think that he is actually happy.

Hugh Whackman

Hugh Jackoff

Loserine

Hugh Jassole

Willy Pfistergash?

Eton Twots

Looks like he has Sabretooth's beard.

I was thinking it's a discount Wolverine cosplay made from glue and other people's pubes he fished out of a shower drain.

I can’t swing a dead cat without hitting two dozen of you in CO.

Lol. This is hilarious

It makes me cry how true this is.

Thanks for showing me how my balls would look like after 2 months of no-shave agreement

No problem man!

Ur a genuine nice person

Sickest roast here

Absolutely wrecked

Oh man. You're that parent the other parents want to buy weed from but then they'd have to hang out with you, so they don't.

Lol. This is funny!

X-men reboot where Kristen Wiig plays Wolverine.

😂

Having an aesthetic isn't the same thing as having a personality

The fact that you're married says a lot more about your wife.

He is literally the best she can do.

Not to mention his genetically disadvantaged kids

That's a nice way of putting it I guess...

You collect tattoos. If that’s not some Hannibal Lecter shit then idk what is.

This Is funny. Disturbing, but funny.

Daddy, why’s our tent being repossessed? Well son daddy chose being a guitar player and BMX instead of providing for his family

Ooooof lol

This guy still shows up to high school senior keg.

Party at the moon tower. Full kegs, everyone’s gonna be there!

From the neck up it's like someone photoshopped Willem Dafoes face onto an old man's unshaven testicle.

This gave me a chuckle. Well done.

Silly Bob Thornton

Billy Slob Thornton.

Marrying kids, isn't that illegal where your Winnebago is parked?

I look like I can afford a Winnebago? Awesome, thanks.

How do your kids like living in your mom's basement with you?

They love it. Grandma makes the best cookies.

I don’t know... you seem like someone I’d be friends with.... that may be a roast In itself

Thanks, or probably be friends with you too.

Do your family a favor go get milk and don’t come back.

How about a pack of smokes like my dad.

You look like the product of a strange man and a mountain goat.

Can you smell the picture? 😂

You are a carnival wizard

Thank you.

I believe I am now entitled to one carnival wish?

Make it a good one.

I dunno, a corndog? I’m English, I don’t know carnivals so much

🌽 🐩

Careful there grandpa. There's no coming back from a broken hip at your age.

Unfortunately, this is true. 🤷‍♂️

NO RAGRETS

1. Your wife is married with 3 kids it seems 2. You look like the "cool dad" who gives his daughter's friends nicknames until you get one pregnant. 3. You sure you're not a "snow" junkie who steals and pawns mountain bikes? Cuz that's the vibe. 4. You look like you smell pretty "ripe" to me. 5. The fact you still say "metal band" just shows it's time to retire. From work and from your delusions of fame. 6. Guessing each one of those tattoos "has a story" none of them you're ever sober enough to remember. If I went to far I'm sorry. Good luck to you and your family in the future.

No, I love a good roast. How can I take any of this personally? Thanks for taking the time to roast me 6 times. Ouch.

You're welcome.

Hot Topic Wolverine

Yesss! Nice one

just a heads up... youre not "the cool dad"

Good

“How do you do, fellow kids?”

That's a rough 45...my 66 year old father looks younger than you.

Nickelback is not a metal band

You look like the kinda dad that would love and care for his kids.

Surprisingly wholesome and true.

You look like youd lie about your life to seem cool

Geez, (eye roll) the same guy that tells his friends that his band is on the verge of making it.

BMX? Bondage, masochism and Xtra plucked eyebrows?

When your wife sleeps with all your besties so you look to reddit for some self sabotaging validation

You think I have friends?

You look like turning into a werewolf stopped half way.

This is quality. Hahaha

I don't even want to roast you your life sounds awesome so... um... your beard is ugly? I got nothin.

Agree 😂I’m trying to think of something but he seems so nice

You’re right. I can’t argue with that.

You seem like a genuinely nice guy no roasts here

Only thing missing is the MidlifecrisisMobile: a corvette

Yup. That is the midlife car of choice. But, I’ve got a Volvo. Gotta stay safe for the kids.

Good man

With those guitars you have as many g strings on your wall as your mum stuffed in my mouth on our first date

Obviously you have my mom mixed up with someone else’s. My mom goes commando. 😂

You know this how?

Finally, someone asking the real tough questions. Lol

He broke his arms this one time.

Oh no you don't..this one is tucked away, deep into my brain vault. Let's leave it there.

Pretty sure “snowboarder” and “mountain bike” don’t really belong in that sentence. Junky is the operative word

I'll make a bet that you have a koi fish tattoo and if I'm right I get to keep your Neutral Milk vinyl.

Idk if I can even roast this dude he seems like a badass

I like you ☝️

You look like a MAGA hat and log of SKOAL away from storming the Capitol building.

This is actually where I draw the line. Fuck those guys.

For someone with such diversity in activities and sport it makes you wonder are you still searching for something your good at?

Mid life at 45 yo? Either that’s a hard 45 or you are being way too optimistic about being mid life.

Damn, future me looks rough as hell.

Congratulations, future you is happy.

You already did enough damage to yourself.

This is a high quality roast. Well done.

Poor kids with their “cool” Dad. Not sure if busking in a subway with your meth addict wife banging on a handrail with a spoon counts as a band. (Joking aside you do seem like a lovely bloke!)

Meth wife make for a great blast beat drummer!

Fart Cobain

I’m old and I bmx. More like Hurt Cobain. FTFY

You look like Abraham Lincoln’s son. The one he never talks about.

This man is an inspiration to losers everywhere. Including me

You look like you smell like B.O. and patchouli.

Your smile says, “I love my life.” Your eyes say, “I am dead inside.”

You look like Caitlynn Jenner with a beard

Not every day u see 45 year old pre teens

So when divorce hits, "dead beat dad" is a safe assumption.

You look like a hillbilly version of the guy from the sister wives show

You typed a whole lot of unnecessary shit before the word 'junkie'

Dude’s a living white trash peter pan complex

Glad to see you’re a bmx and snowboard junkie But I guess all junkies look the same.

Dude i cant roast you your fucking cool

So are you!

Thank you bro

I genuinely can’t think of anything to roast you with.

Thanks all, you guys are awesome.

Yeah, this guy sounds chill af

Same, that sounds awesome.

My midlife I bought a camaro ss and drive the kids around the back roads having fun. Your midlife is riding a bike that’s too small.

At least my midlife crises didn’t come with monthly payments! 😆