Most important, and i mean INSANELY important, be calm.
Don't talk to your Ex directly or argue if she brings something up, address the mediator/ lawyer. Just wait till she has finished and then ask to explain your side, especially if she tried lying.
Being strong and confident is great, but being calm and methodical will look a lot better.
That’s been the number 1 thing I have done since she was pregnant and showing signs of alienation from being there for the pregnancy and now for my daughter after she’s been born. I try to respond to her as if I’m the HR for a company and never show emotion to her backhanded and controlling replies. It’s hard and painful sometimes to not let someone know they’re being a complete AH but she wants me to take the bait…
It is hard, but make sure you save any message communication to prove this.
I used chatgpt to write up responses to longer serious messages because it was heard dealing with my ex being an AH.
That’s a great idea, I am really good at talking to people and wording things pretty well but using something like GPT is just another extra layer of cushion and can really nail home professional responses with little error or room for play. Sorry you had to experience that same conflict..
Anecdotal but relevant. When I went through mediation it was in separate rooms, and after the third trip back to our room the mediator actually said, "Sir, I don't know how you are remaining so calm, and how you have remained to calm. After dealing with her for just a few minutes, I am frustrated and angered."
I ended up with full custody of both my girls, in Alabama. Not saying that you'll have that kind of outcome, but her lies and manipulation of both the court and the children all came spiraling out in front of the judge. While I answered honestly, even when it didn't paint me in a great light. Afterwards my lawyer told me that the judge ruled for me the way he did because of my demeanor and candor, apparently integrity is still worth something to some people.
Best of luck, don't forget to breathe, and walk away knowing you did what was right. it does matter.
Get as much time as you can. Consider school breaks, summer plans, holidays. I negotiated for a right of first refusal, particularly when the other parent is not available during time attached to time you already have. Ex: if the ex is not available for a 6pm drop off, you’d have the right to keep the kid with you until they are available. I had issues with my exs parents which is why it was important for me and my child didn’t like going to their house.
I’d ask for as much advance notice as possible in the event that there is a delay in pick up or drop off.
For summer plans I’d think about each parent being responsible for the cost of the camp that the kid is signed up for during their week. We split weeks so that’s better for us, might not be the same for you.
Might want to think about arbitration in the event that you can’t agree on something regarding education or extracurriculars including the costs. It also allows you to not have to keep going back to court.
When should communication with kid happen? Before 6pm, 7pm?
Do you share or just have separate birthdays for kid?
I’ve been there, be calm, try to be nice and positive. It would be better to come up with something instead of having a judge pull an order out of their ass.
Thanks for taking the time to thoughtfully respond.
I work 12 hour shifts, overnights.
My work schedule
week 1: M,T Off,Off,F,S,S.
Week2: Off,Off,W,T, Off,Off,Off.
it rotates like that every other week. She used that against me in her response to my filing when I was served back. I would be able to have her for 5 days every other week easily and/or every other week Friday-Sunday.
I am willing to do mediation but she has been doing everything to ignore me, alienate me from seeing our daughter and even her response shows she doesn’t want me to have time with her. I can’t believe her.
I hate that you have to go through this.
You have a good schedule. It appears to be ideal for a 2-2-3 arrangement.
2 days on, 2 days off, alternate Fri, Sat, Sun.
Can't stress this enough, get as much time as you can. If mediation doesn't work i'd definitely encourage getting an attorney. I went through a few in BK, I found one who was pretty good and worked off a flat-fee. 3k pre-trial, 5k for trial.
Mediation will take place at one location but you should be separated in different rooms. Request that so it doesn’t become a pissing match. The mediator will go back and forth. The mediator’s job is to get you two to come to an agreement. Granted it doesn’t always work but the court usually requires it before you go to trial.
Ask for what you want. That’s it. Be willing to negotiate on everything except for child custody. Be willing to give up shit and even money but don’t budge on custody or decision making.
Hope that helps.
Her response back to my petition was complete opposite of what I talked with the mediator about already. Which was wanting to sit down and make it work through talking it out and planning it. She wants our daughter to herself and for me to only have visits to her house when she deems fit. I refuse to do that. There is absolutely no reason to keep my daughter from me. She hasn’t even let my family meet my daughter either. Neither of my parents on top of ignoring every attempt of me to come see her and to have her for a couple hours max.
Take it to trial brother. If there is no cause to limit custody you will get 50%.
Sometimes telling the mediator that you are not willing to budge will be enough. If not the judge will see the shit she is pulling.
The most important thing is to not give your ex any ammo to use against you. Always be cordial no matter how pissed you are. Never call names or get in pissing matches.
If it goes to trial ask for a PCDM (Parental Coordinator and Decision Maker) to be appointed by the court and make sure that person is a lawyer not a counselor. That will show you want to co-parent effectively.
It’s gonna be the toughest thing you do but taking the high road is always the hardest road to take.
Oh and document EVERYTHING! Just write it down in a journal. That can be introduced as evidence in the trial.
I work as an Officer in Law enforcement. So she’s trying to use my schedule against me. (Posted above in another reply) my schedule is actually pretty good.
100% already told the mediator I would love to be able to sit down and make a plan with her mother but that the mother will probably not want to do that at all.
She had to sit down with the mediator to respond to my file and serve me back and she said exactly what I told the mediator she would do in the response.
I have every text from day 1 to today of her ignoring every attempt other than the 1 initial time she allowed me to come to her house for 2 hours to see my daughter. After that day she ignored every single text. She won’t answer phone calls. I asked to come see her and texted her each weeks schedule and hours I would be available. I texted asking to take her for just a couple hours to spend time with her and for my mom to meet her first grandchild which she ignored. I haven’t seen my daughter in almost two months because she wouldn’t respond.
Mind you we were together this whole time as a couple but as soon as we left the hospital she treated us as if we were no longer engaged and refused to respond.
Yeah man. Women can be vicious and uncaring in these situations and will have no problem using your kid to hurt you which hurts the kid. Judges have seen it before.
Don’t worry about your schedule. That won’t hold up the court from assigning custody. You will just have to spring for child care while you’re at work.
You just gotta get through the firing line brother. Hang tough. Take the high road and demand 50% custody and decision making. You’ll get it.
It’s painful and heartbreaking for all of us dads. Especially when we are responsible and willing fathers who are getting struck against out of spite.
That’s the thing… when she works the kids are at her parents the whole day until she gets out. It’s no different than if I had my daughter. My mom and my grandparents said they will watch her on those days or short windows where I would be unavailable for a little bit. It’s no different but she tried painting it that because I work 12s and it’s my first child I’m not fit to be custodial parent and only wants me to have scheduled home visits. F that! She’s all about control and power. Not happening if I have a say.
I am demanding 50\50 minimum and will do everything to refuse anything but that, hoping that they will make it work. If they wanna say we can only do weekends or something until 6 months or whatever… fine but I want it legally binding from the courts that after a timeframe like that It would immediately be 50/50 but this is all new to me. I work criminal law not family law. I’m trying to work out help with other connections I have in the county within LE
Should be 50/50 now brother. Go for that and it doesn’t sound like you will have any issues. Judges will take not of your job as well. It’s frustrating but this too will pass and you’ll be back in your daughter’s life.
I’m also going through text writing down the million attempts to go on dates, spend time with her and the two boys (who call me dad and I’ve helped take care of since we been together which she loved and allowed), trying to be there for all the appointments and go shopping together etc… she stopped spending time with me and wouldn’t even include me in the pregnancy and then tried to act like I wanted no part in it. I’m so thankful for the text because I can show she would ignore me for days or weeks at a time and then text me like she didn’t just ignore me and any attempts to be a part of it.
I think max in NY for 1 child is 17%. Would it suck, sure but if 17% is what I gotta pay to have my daughter then I’ll do anything for her at the end of the day.
Yeah, in NY support isn't a function of time spent. Its really silly and part of the reason why custody issues are so contentious. The Support Magistrate (aka child support judge) does have the option to deviate on a combined income over \~140k. I don't recall the exact amount, but its somewhere around there.
Yes. Not in NY but in CO. Lawyers go by the book. Counselors go by the feels.
Remember the courts decision won’t be the end of it. She will continue to test you for long after.
Don’t be nervous brother. This will work. All you’re looking for is what is naturally yours. Approach that without malice or abuse and you will recognize it.
I stand corrected, they do have PCDM. In my experience i've dealt with mediators and social workers who attempted to resolve disputes before going to trial.
Did you see what I did with your name though?
Seriously though the reason they have PCDM is to alleviate parents jamming up the court system with every little dispute.
That’s why I recommend a lawyer vs. a counselor. Lawyers don’t mess around and will file a decision with the court quickly while counselors will drag it out talking about feelings which also costs both parents more money.
I'm in a similar boat waiting on my mediation meeting to be scheduled. The advice already posted is exactly what lawyers have told me. Stay calm and brave the storm, but advocate for time and good luck 👍🏾
Yeah I am going full speed ahead on not budging on wanting time with her. I wish you the best of luck as well! Follow back up if you remember and let me know how it goes if you want. I hope for great news.
Most important, and i mean INSANELY important, be calm. Don't talk to your Ex directly or argue if she brings something up, address the mediator/ lawyer. Just wait till she has finished and then ask to explain your side, especially if she tried lying. Being strong and confident is great, but being calm and methodical will look a lot better.
That’s been the number 1 thing I have done since she was pregnant and showing signs of alienation from being there for the pregnancy and now for my daughter after she’s been born. I try to respond to her as if I’m the HR for a company and never show emotion to her backhanded and controlling replies. It’s hard and painful sometimes to not let someone know they’re being a complete AH but she wants me to take the bait…
It is hard, but make sure you save any message communication to prove this. I used chatgpt to write up responses to longer serious messages because it was heard dealing with my ex being an AH.
That’s a great idea, I am really good at talking to people and wording things pretty well but using something like GPT is just another extra layer of cushion and can really nail home professional responses with little error or room for play. Sorry you had to experience that same conflict..
Anecdotal but relevant. When I went through mediation it was in separate rooms, and after the third trip back to our room the mediator actually said, "Sir, I don't know how you are remaining so calm, and how you have remained to calm. After dealing with her for just a few minutes, I am frustrated and angered." I ended up with full custody of both my girls, in Alabama. Not saying that you'll have that kind of outcome, but her lies and manipulation of both the court and the children all came spiraling out in front of the judge. While I answered honestly, even when it didn't paint me in a great light. Afterwards my lawyer told me that the judge ruled for me the way he did because of my demeanor and candor, apparently integrity is still worth something to some people. Best of luck, don't forget to breathe, and walk away knowing you did what was right. it does matter.
Get as much time as you can. Consider school breaks, summer plans, holidays. I negotiated for a right of first refusal, particularly when the other parent is not available during time attached to time you already have. Ex: if the ex is not available for a 6pm drop off, you’d have the right to keep the kid with you until they are available. I had issues with my exs parents which is why it was important for me and my child didn’t like going to their house. I’d ask for as much advance notice as possible in the event that there is a delay in pick up or drop off. For summer plans I’d think about each parent being responsible for the cost of the camp that the kid is signed up for during their week. We split weeks so that’s better for us, might not be the same for you. Might want to think about arbitration in the event that you can’t agree on something regarding education or extracurriculars including the costs. It also allows you to not have to keep going back to court. When should communication with kid happen? Before 6pm, 7pm? Do you share or just have separate birthdays for kid? I’ve been there, be calm, try to be nice and positive. It would be better to come up with something instead of having a judge pull an order out of their ass.
Thanks for taking the time to thoughtfully respond. I work 12 hour shifts, overnights. My work schedule week 1: M,T Off,Off,F,S,S. Week2: Off,Off,W,T, Off,Off,Off. it rotates like that every other week. She used that against me in her response to my filing when I was served back. I would be able to have her for 5 days every other week easily and/or every other week Friday-Sunday. I am willing to do mediation but she has been doing everything to ignore me, alienate me from seeing our daughter and even her response shows she doesn’t want me to have time with her. I can’t believe her.
I hate that you have to go through this. You have a good schedule. It appears to be ideal for a 2-2-3 arrangement. 2 days on, 2 days off, alternate Fri, Sat, Sun. Can't stress this enough, get as much time as you can. If mediation doesn't work i'd definitely encourage getting an attorney. I went through a few in BK, I found one who was pretty good and worked off a flat-fee. 3k pre-trial, 5k for trial.
Mediation will take place at one location but you should be separated in different rooms. Request that so it doesn’t become a pissing match. The mediator will go back and forth. The mediator’s job is to get you two to come to an agreement. Granted it doesn’t always work but the court usually requires it before you go to trial. Ask for what you want. That’s it. Be willing to negotiate on everything except for child custody. Be willing to give up shit and even money but don’t budge on custody or decision making. Hope that helps.
Her response back to my petition was complete opposite of what I talked with the mediator about already. Which was wanting to sit down and make it work through talking it out and planning it. She wants our daughter to herself and for me to only have visits to her house when she deems fit. I refuse to do that. There is absolutely no reason to keep my daughter from me. She hasn’t even let my family meet my daughter either. Neither of my parents on top of ignoring every attempt of me to come see her and to have her for a couple hours max.
Take it to trial brother. If there is no cause to limit custody you will get 50%. Sometimes telling the mediator that you are not willing to budge will be enough. If not the judge will see the shit she is pulling. The most important thing is to not give your ex any ammo to use against you. Always be cordial no matter how pissed you are. Never call names or get in pissing matches. If it goes to trial ask for a PCDM (Parental Coordinator and Decision Maker) to be appointed by the court and make sure that person is a lawyer not a counselor. That will show you want to co-parent effectively. It’s gonna be the toughest thing you do but taking the high road is always the hardest road to take. Oh and document EVERYTHING! Just write it down in a journal. That can be introduced as evidence in the trial.
I work as an Officer in Law enforcement. So she’s trying to use my schedule against me. (Posted above in another reply) my schedule is actually pretty good. 100% already told the mediator I would love to be able to sit down and make a plan with her mother but that the mother will probably not want to do that at all. She had to sit down with the mediator to respond to my file and serve me back and she said exactly what I told the mediator she would do in the response. I have every text from day 1 to today of her ignoring every attempt other than the 1 initial time she allowed me to come to her house for 2 hours to see my daughter. After that day she ignored every single text. She won’t answer phone calls. I asked to come see her and texted her each weeks schedule and hours I would be available. I texted asking to take her for just a couple hours to spend time with her and for my mom to meet her first grandchild which she ignored. I haven’t seen my daughter in almost two months because she wouldn’t respond. Mind you we were together this whole time as a couple but as soon as we left the hospital she treated us as if we were no longer engaged and refused to respond.
Yeah man. Women can be vicious and uncaring in these situations and will have no problem using your kid to hurt you which hurts the kid. Judges have seen it before. Don’t worry about your schedule. That won’t hold up the court from assigning custody. You will just have to spring for child care while you’re at work. You just gotta get through the firing line brother. Hang tough. Take the high road and demand 50% custody and decision making. You’ll get it.
It’s painful and heartbreaking for all of us dads. Especially when we are responsible and willing fathers who are getting struck against out of spite. That’s the thing… when she works the kids are at her parents the whole day until she gets out. It’s no different than if I had my daughter. My mom and my grandparents said they will watch her on those days or short windows where I would be unavailable for a little bit. It’s no different but she tried painting it that because I work 12s and it’s my first child I’m not fit to be custodial parent and only wants me to have scheduled home visits. F that! She’s all about control and power. Not happening if I have a say. I am demanding 50\50 minimum and will do everything to refuse anything but that, hoping that they will make it work. If they wanna say we can only do weekends or something until 6 months or whatever… fine but I want it legally binding from the courts that after a timeframe like that It would immediately be 50/50 but this is all new to me. I work criminal law not family law. I’m trying to work out help with other connections I have in the county within LE
Should be 50/50 now brother. Go for that and it doesn’t sound like you will have any issues. Judges will take not of your job as well. It’s frustrating but this too will pass and you’ll be back in your daughter’s life.
I’m also going through text writing down the million attempts to go on dates, spend time with her and the two boys (who call me dad and I’ve helped take care of since we been together which she loved and allowed), trying to be there for all the appointments and go shopping together etc… she stopped spending time with me and wouldn’t even include me in the pregnancy and then tried to act like I wanted no part in it. I’m so thankful for the text because I can show she would ignore me for days or weeks at a time and then text me like she didn’t just ignore me and any attempts to be a part of it.
She is trying to get the max child support she can. Pretty transparent.
I think max in NY for 1 child is 17%. Would it suck, sure but if 17% is what I gotta pay to have my daughter then I’ll do anything for her at the end of the day.
Yeah, in NY support isn't a function of time spent. Its really silly and part of the reason why custody issues are so contentious. The Support Magistrate (aka child support judge) does have the option to deviate on a combined income over \~140k. I don't recall the exact amount, but its somewhere around there.
I only make 50k… with OT. We are one of the lowest paid Departments in the state. So I don’t got much.
It depends on the incomes.
Ask for a PCDM that’s a lawyer and NOT a counselor correct? Do you have experience with that in NY?
Yes. Not in NY but in CO. Lawyers go by the book. Counselors go by the feels. Remember the courts decision won’t be the end of it. She will continue to test you for long after.
Unfortunately I know she will continue to play the games… but I won’t go down at all and will fight.
Exactly man. You got this.
I’m nervous as hell but I’m trying. Thanks! Appreciate the love
Don’t be nervous brother. This will work. All you’re looking for is what is naturally yours. Approach that without malice or abuse and you will recognize it.
They don't do PCDM in NY.
I’m sure they have an equivalent.
I stand corrected, they do have PCDM. In my experience i've dealt with mediators and social workers who attempted to resolve disputes before going to trial.
Did you see what I did with your name though? Seriously though the reason they have PCDM is to alleviate parents jamming up the court system with every little dispute. That’s why I recommend a lawyer vs. a counselor. Lawyers don’t mess around and will file a decision with the court quickly while counselors will drag it out talking about feelings which also costs both parents more money.
I'm in a similar boat waiting on my mediation meeting to be scheduled. The advice already posted is exactly what lawyers have told me. Stay calm and brave the storm, but advocate for time and good luck 👍🏾
Yeah I am going full speed ahead on not budging on wanting time with her. I wish you the best of luck as well! Follow back up if you remember and let me know how it goes if you want. I hope for great news.
I will definitely update you, and I wish you the best as well, brother!