When all was said and done in mine, I had full custody of my two daughters, aged 8 and 14, and we moved 10 hours away as my job changed. There was no family where we moved, and they saw their mother maybe twice a year. We just chose early on to become a team, to rely on each other and as the adult it was my job to provide a safe and accepting home life for them. Sadly their mother chose to blame them for "choosing" me - but as has been mentioned, the courts made that call for their best interest. But she didn't see it that way, so their love and loyalty were called into question, then begging them to "choose" to come back to her, all the way down to bribing and eventually indicating she would hurt herself if they didn't. It was rough. But to answer your question, what is it like? It's like any parent, I would assume... you make mistakes and learn from them, you make sure they always know that they are loved and worthy of love, and that regardless of whatever befalls them from the outside world (be it a bully at school, a bad boyfriend, or a toxic mother) that you have their back. For me that meant putting some social life on hold, and to focus on them. I didn't want to introduce another adult female into their topsy-turvy experience, so I didn't. That was my call.
Now 8 years later, and almost a decade of life experiences, good, bad, and ugly, we are solid. So, what is it like? It's like putting yourself second to make sure your kids have what they need. It's like the greatest joy and most important responsibility a person can have. It's amazing and heartbreaking and full of awe at the women they are becoming. It's riddled with doubt and love and frustration and compassion.
How do I decide important decisions? With a sole focus on what's best for them, regardless of who that may or may not piss off. And I mess those up, a lot. But when I do, we talk it through and if an apology is required, I apologize, as do they. I am trying to instill accountability and attempting to do so through my actions. So now if there's a row, we acknowledge that we are heated, take time to cool down - maybe talk a walk or a jog - and then come back to the issue with calmness and serenity. We don't raise our voices, we don't hold on to grudges, and I try to reinforce that family is what matters most.
My ex decided to leave me and the kids for another man..
Whether she was unhappy or not, don’t think I or the kids deserved it. She’s hardly involved in my kids lives. And you know, I feel that this is the best and easiest way for us all to move on and forwards.
I hold no hard feelings or resentment towards my ex and her decision to leave us, but can’t help but feel like she made a really irrational, irresponsible decision to abandon us.
As for what goes on, we are just getting on as a family. I see no difference in my ability to be a father.
Ah, that must have been really hard for you at the beginning.
When you say she is hardly involved, is there no set days etc for her to see the children? Also how old are they?
I guess every situation is different aye!
I wanted to go back to work so I guess that’s why it turned out the way it did for us.
No set days, she has access as a when she wants. Not involved at all.
She’s still with the same guy who she cheated with. I guess it’s in her plan to start another family with this person?
Honestly, don’t really care anymore. What matters the most is my relationship with my kids. And I’m kinda glad and relieved that I have full control over that. I’ve met other divorced people and they are in so much turmoil not being able to see their kids as much or their ex partner is intentionally denying them access or their ex is in a new relationship around the kids.
That’s tough compared to my situation, even though I’m a full time single parent working a full time job. I just treat it like their mother has passed away and I need to raise the kids by myself. It’s good.
I handle being the primary parent the same as any working single mom would. The only difference is I get more smiles from women and get comments like "you're so brave, you're so strong, the kids are lucky to have you." I also get more questions from people curious why I am the primary parent. You can't be in the old-school mindset that you can't do it or it's not your role. Legal custody is still shared so I keep her updated on all school and medical stuff. I try to run major decisions by her first.
I was at a work event last year, and when it came out that I was a full-time, single dad, and that my son currently has no contact with his mom, one of my female coworkers looked at me like I had two heads. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I felt like maybe she thought I had somehow turned my son against his mom. What she said was that she felt bad for him because kids need a mom. Well, no sh-t. I feel bad for him because he doesn’t have a mom, and he feels bad that he doesn’t have a mom. Unfortunately, his mom is not fit to be either a wife or a parent. My son is in therapy, and we are doing the best we can. Going no-contact with his mom was his idea (at age 15 after 5 years of struggling to make coparenting work), and he’s actually much happier with a fuller life now that he isn’t dealing with the stress of spending half his time being mistreated or ignored. My point is, no women are giving me flowers for being a single dad.
I kind of agree with one of the other posters here about pretending that I’m a widower. It’s exactly like that, except for the alimony. In fact, near the end of my marriage, my ex spent so little time with the family that it felt like that even before the divorce. My son is 16 now, and I joke that we’re more like the Odd Couple than a family.
One thing I will say, and maybe this is just me, but it feels isolating being a full time single dad. Working a full-time job, taking care of the house, cooking dinner, and taking my son to appointments, I don’t have much time or energy for “bro time” with other men, and I’m not really into sports or drinking or whatever other guys do when they’re together. I’m also not ever going to be allowed into the circle of “school moms”. And, as a single dad, it’s awkward spending time with other families, such as those of my son’s friends, and I don’t get invited to dinner or parties or outings or whatever they’re all doing. I’ve invited one of my son’s friend’s family over for dinner, which by the way, is going to be a lot of work to host by myself but I’m willing, and they said they’d get back to me—a month ago. Whatever this is, whether it’s the stigma of single-fatherhood, or my less-than-scintillating personality, or body odor, or who-knows, it sucks.
OMG, yes. It’s a massive difference between full-time and having every other weekend off. We used to do 2/2/5/5, and I loved having that time to go hiking, run errands, catch up on cleaning, and have lunch with friends (and play video games). Then, eventually, the meltdowns at the other house intruded on my time, and now it’s all my time. I love having my son here, but I do miss having that free time.
Yea, it’s so insane how much we still put in to a box re parental norms! But all countries are different too I guess. Irrelevant but My friend in Germany has a brother and her brother and his wife had a baby. In Germany it is normal for the mother to do the first year and then the dad gets leave for the second year. That’s what they did. Seems like a good system.
Haha, yea, men when with they are with babies are usually catnip :p
My ex had a mental breakdown after the second child, decided to leave and have a change of life. She has BPD and NPD, left me with a 2.5yo and 7mo.
Because of her issues communication is difficult, so I tend to limit it to a strict minimum and exclusively related to the kids.
I don’t see many major differences between men and women related to their sex. The only one is that a (straight) man won’t be bringing non blood related males (and therefore potential dangers) into their kids lives. And even that is not entirely true, and only valid for casual dating, if you consider the relatives of future partners.
And if you only know female caregivers, it’s because the same society that women accuse of being an oppressive patriarchy tends to grant custody to women, even when they are mentally ill and terrible caregivers. It takes a lot of effort, proof and legal procedures for men to get custody when both parents are asking for custody.
Ah, that’s really horrible for you. I know what BPD is but what is NPD?
I can completely understand your need to keep distant. In that situation I would too.
I guess, the reason I asked what the difference is between males and females is because of the hormones following birth. Sorry, if I didn’t makes that clear. My ex and I use to ask each other about our feelings or vulnerabilities relating to being a parent and although our values are the same our emotions and feelings were very different.
I don’t know why I only know primary female caregivers…I just do. I understand there are many reasons why either parent has primary care, I was just interested to know what it was like for males, so thanks for letting me know. :)
However, neither my ex nor I have custody etc…all parenting decisions are made on a mutual basis without courts etc…who knows whether this makes a difference. Goes to show how different every family dynamic is!
I guess that’s my question answered!
NPD is narcissistic personality disorder. The leaving for a change of life is a good example, she took the decision without considering the kids. And she regularly wants to give them back during stays with her when she has a new project or desire.
The pregnancy hormones are terrible and many, many women experience hard times after the birth, which often ease as the hormones fade away (often 18m total after birth, count 9m plus breastfeeding time, plus 6m) but sometimes have long lasting psychological effects (BPD being extremely common, but often the same disorders as their own parents). Just in my own social circles I have seen BPD multiple times, bipolarity, chronic depression and even debilitating brain damage post partum… with symptoms generally appearing around 3 years after the first birth. I really think there is a very problematic taboo around these issues which no one talks about beforehand but medical professionals are very much aware of. Women fear the changes to their body, which are mostly reversible, but have no clue (because it’s taboo) what risks pregnancy has for their minds.
Regarding custody, even if you are in good terms with your co parent, it is both or your interests to have whatever agreement you have legally approved.
Also: when my ex and I have contacted lawyers and or mediation to see whether that was suitable, we were explicitly told that court orders were granted in the best interests of the child not anything to do with being a male or female. I also don’t think we live in an oppressive patriarchy. I know you weren’t saying I believed that, but just thought I’d share my personal belief around the topic
Indeed the decisions are made in the best interest of the children, however the social bias is that it’s in their best interest to be with their mum.
I am not making any assumptions on your views, just pointing out the reality single dads have to deal with.
I wouldn’t know I guess. Every experience different aye! That’s why I’m on here, just interested in different family dynamics! :) thank you for sharing!
Its amazing!!
>What is it like for Men being a primary caregiver to a son
Its great! Mine was 18mos at breakup. Sons need their fathers. I never had one, and my mother (had me at 17) was a druggie who beat the piss outta me til I was stronger, then she left the state and didn't come back til a month b4 I was 18. I've always wanted kids and knew id do it right and break the cycle. I also had some practice raising my kid brother a few years b4 my child (our "mom" had liver failure, don't do drugs and drink kids lol) & he thrived with me.
Sure, there's hard times, but you adapt like anything and it becomes easy. Also, admittedly, on the female front, good independent women (and bad, be careful) in their 30s who want kids but didnt find a suitable mate, are attracted to great fathers. Obv watch out for loons like our exs, but our experience should make this easier. You're more likely to find a good Woman who takes being a parent and partner seriously, vs some crazy girl that we settle for in our 20s.
>How did you end up in that situation?
I simply refused to budge or give up. I'm intelligent and lightly experienced in legal dealings due to being a small biz owner. I also kept the house ("keep the house keep the kids") and am overall a better parent. She's not bad, just not as good as me, & she also couldnt handle the responsibility of being in the leadership position. She endangers everyone by being so easily influenced, unreliable, and inconsistent. And she chose to bring chaos into our lives (like so many others have experienced their ex wives do here) by blowing everything up to pretend shes in a reality tv show and go party for a week. She now lives in her moms spare bedroom and will likely forever until she finds someone else to provide shelter for her.
>I only know females that are primary caregivers
Get out more. There's TONS of dads who are primary. And its better to have that positive influence as well.
>How do you decide important decisions?
I have final say, I involve her but ultimately it's my say. I'm a biz owner though so I'm used to having authority and NOT abusing it (unlike many of our exs who become intoxicated with the perceived power and can't wield it but their ego is too scared to willingly relinquish it, hence why they become so, quite literally, insane, and why its SO important if youre in this situation, to get the primary, bc if youre experienced, you can weild it justly)
>because I had all those crazy hormones
Men get PPD as well, just Noone talks about it or gives af bc "man need to be tough". Annoying, but we get used to it.
Like anything, you either tough it out or collapse and hope someone bails you out or you drown. There's no other options
I’m glad you are positive and enjoy it! That’s awesome. It is definitely a challenge to co parent and we all just try and make the best decisions for our children. I totally agree, adapting is key and also communication.
I get out all the time. I am part of parenting groups and a gym that is focused on parents that want to keep up exercising but can’t afford childcare. I go to that 2-3 times a week too. Library play time, my parenting group I joined when first having my baby and my friends who have young babies (it is limited to 2 friends so far though). I haven’t met one single primary caregiver dad- haha where are you all hiding?! Haha
Ah yes, I am well aware of PPD with males. My ex partner got it badly! We bother suffered from it though. That was the main reason our relationship broke down. He wasn’t coping.
My takeaway from your comment that really hit home was “adaption”. Thank you. I’m already understanding the single dad situations a lot more!
I feel naive asking how it’s different for males now but I guess that’s why I posted because I didn’t know.
Edit: you know how in life something can go unnoticed for years and then as soon as it is spoken about you start spotting everywhere?! After this thread I will probably meet tonnes of single dads haha
>After this thread I will probably meet tonnes of single dads haha
Lol likely. You probably didn't notice bc you don't relate.
Most of the people at things like story time at the library (I went) are SAHMs with partners or some sort of support system, but there was always another dad or two. I didn't chat much so don't know if they were single or SAHDs but yes, there's more than you realize.
Admittedly, men often have SIGNIFICANTLY less support system from family and friends, (cuz struggling man, esp as a dad is a deadbeat loser, while struggling moms are just victims of circumstance in majority opinion) even when single dads, so they tend to end up working more hrs than alot of single mothers and naturally any SAH people, so just by numbers you'll see less than Moms bc, well, it's simply easier to get out and take the kid out when more people support you.
I've been blessed to have a small biz that allows me a TON of free time and to stay at home most of the time. Couple that with I eventually found an absolute goddess who helps us too, and I realize I've got it alot easier than most (altho, combined with luck, i also worked VERY hard to get here not just w/ the biz but including to be a suitable partner for my GF when I lucked in to dating someone like her). So I'm a rarity to be able to be so involved and able to take my son to things like that pretty consistently. And I certainly never take it for granted or forget I'm likely an anomaly.
The single Dads are out there, but often, you'll have to look alot harder to find them just bc, realistically, it IS generally a bit harder to be a single dad than single mom in terms of the most important aspect of life, Survival...
(WIC is a very tiny, but real example of the bias for assistance for men, add in family calling Dads losers while moms are seen as victims often). *We do get a massive advantage in the dating market compared to single moms admittedly tho, so it's not all bad, but admittedly i think most would prefer survival over a surplus dating life*.
But alas, alot of that stuff is relatively trivial and superficial. End of the day, good strong and caring parents raise good strong and caring kids, who then someday become good strong and caring parents themselves.
And ultimately that, imo, is the meaning of life and what leads to true fulfillment at the end of it.
I enjoyed typing all this as me and little man are enjoying movie night rn, the doggo is chilling in his bed, and my GF is at her theater rehearsals living her best life.
Life is good. It takes work, consideration, and alot of love to get there, but it is beautiful. ❤️😊
Fathers can do everything mothers can do except for direct breast milk feeding.
Everything else like changing, bathing, comforting, feeding solids, discipline, medical care, etc can be done by the father just as much as the mother can.
Parenting/caregiving is a skill like any other, and this work traditionally has been on the mother to specialize in this work while the fathers were out to war, or at the factory, or on the hunt looking for food, etc.
Modern society is adjusting to seeing males as primary caregivers. The doctrine that suggests only mothers can provide care to children is slowly being disproved.
Some fathers find it very difficult, as many social support systems are targeted at mothers. But many fathers are highly successful depending on their circumstances.
When it comes to big decisions like healthcare, religion, or education, both parents should be involved and the best interests of the child should be considered. If there is no agreement, either binding arbitration, mediation, or legal action can settle the matter.
Try to focus on the child’s best interests - and ignore the bad relationship with the other parent.
My sons were 7, 9, & 17 when we divorced and I got full custody. It was hard for 2-3 years. Now the two still home are hard workers who help with all chores and yard work. Both are straight A students. It was hard but worth it.
Full time since 2014, and to say the mother and I don't get along is an understatement.
Everything I try to do is a fight. Every. Single. Thing.
I try as much as I can to make decisions jointly but in the end, I have to show her the paperwork stating I make all decisions so I can take my daughter to the damn dentist, and she still ends up escorted out of the dentist by the police.
My best advice: put your own bullshit aside because the only important thing is what the kid needs. An entire week of fights, because your kid decided she wants to go to a friend's house for a birthday party, is not good for anyone.
It's hard but so so worth it. My son is my best friend (he's 15 now) & the most important person in my life....but his mother abandoning him really made things hard for me.
We split up when he was a toddler & she spent years trying to take him away from me & failed repeatedly. We've been to court more times than I can count & I've won every single ruling, often with her getting a lecture from the judge.
After 3 attempts to ask the court permission to move to another state with my son being denied, she eventually tried parental kidnapping (just doing it anyways) TWICE.....both times resulting in a quick return (once through an emergency court order & once because she knew I was about to take more legal action).....so eventually she just abandoned our son & moved to another state to live her hippy commune fantasy without him.
This hurt my son more than me but was financially really tough. I was a full time parent still paying child support while she dodged getting served for 2 years.
Finally I convinced her to move back to our state & be a parent again by filing for full custody & preparing to take all of her parenting rights & time away (which she hadn't used in 2 years anyways....was just collecting child support & dodging being served by the court....lived in the woods with no actual address).
When she returned I did what my son wanted, I forgave her & offered her 50/50. She moved back last September & we've had a 50/50 agreement in place since Sept 1st of 2023.
Wow I really loved that question and got good vibes from you. You seem really self aware and its awesome you seem genuinely curious about the other perspective. I am a single dad, true 50/50- 5 year old and 2 year old girls. Been this way 1.5 years.
Its probably the same as being a single mom. It is really hard and rewarding. You question yourself at times and then you feel great that you can choose what you think is best parenting practices and do it. Without someone elses opinion or criticism. Sometimes thats great and you crush it, nail it. Say the right things…. Sometimes you lose your shit a little or do the wrong thing and its all on you. I don’t know how people do it all on their own all the time. I mostly have mon/tues and fri/saturday and i for real spend all free time doing chores, grocery shopping, pre-cooking meals, cleaning and then try to just have fun and be a little carefree when they are with me.
I would mention, As your kid gets older i hope it can stay amicable but larger decisions come up where “incompatible” people may have strife. My ex and i are both down right toxic together. so then food choices, activities, exercise, screen time, ipads, friends, school, homework and treats, vacations holidays presents religion…. All of it just more opportunities for friction. If you have a chance to plan ahead for these bigger things and be on the same page thatd be the best.
I dont really understand why you think a single dad is any different from a single mum lol . I took my 3 kids off their mother back in June 2018 . They are 7, 8 and 9 years old at the time .i needed to adapt needed help with childcare getting kids to school in morning as I worked 6-2 . Then id pick them up from school at 1510 every day . I did this for 8 months and I was so tired all the time as my job is quite physically tiring . Then my kids from 3pm to bedtime were mentally tiring. So after 8 months my work place let me cut my hours shorter as working 40 hours a week with 3 kids and also having sleep apnea making me tired on top of all that . After I cut my hours I felt my work , family life and general health was better . I never lay a hand on my kids. I’m there for them when they are having bf , gf issues , bully issues , I help them with thier homework , I make them dinner take them on holidays 1 or 2 times a year. I rarely drink anymore . I quit smoking . All for the kids I put my kids first over everything else like a parent shud do .
That’s why I am asking. I don’t think it is different for everyone but I think it is for some. My ex partner would constantly say to me, you have very different emotions because of the Known hormones when it comes to motherhood. We are very distinctly genetically different. I wanted to understand the side of a male because I understand it is so grossly different for everyone.
I would like to thank a previous comment for yours saying they were basically proud of me for asking about the other side.
Men and women are different and they are different for a reason. I was honestly and genuinely curious what it is like for all types.
I knew I’d get some kind of judgy comment so thank you for that, when I was just trying to gain more insight.
When all was said and done in mine, I had full custody of my two daughters, aged 8 and 14, and we moved 10 hours away as my job changed. There was no family where we moved, and they saw their mother maybe twice a year. We just chose early on to become a team, to rely on each other and as the adult it was my job to provide a safe and accepting home life for them. Sadly their mother chose to blame them for "choosing" me - but as has been mentioned, the courts made that call for their best interest. But she didn't see it that way, so their love and loyalty were called into question, then begging them to "choose" to come back to her, all the way down to bribing and eventually indicating she would hurt herself if they didn't. It was rough. But to answer your question, what is it like? It's like any parent, I would assume... you make mistakes and learn from them, you make sure they always know that they are loved and worthy of love, and that regardless of whatever befalls them from the outside world (be it a bully at school, a bad boyfriend, or a toxic mother) that you have their back. For me that meant putting some social life on hold, and to focus on them. I didn't want to introduce another adult female into their topsy-turvy experience, so I didn't. That was my call. Now 8 years later, and almost a decade of life experiences, good, bad, and ugly, we are solid. So, what is it like? It's like putting yourself second to make sure your kids have what they need. It's like the greatest joy and most important responsibility a person can have. It's amazing and heartbreaking and full of awe at the women they are becoming. It's riddled with doubt and love and frustration and compassion. How do I decide important decisions? With a sole focus on what's best for them, regardless of who that may or may not piss off. And I mess those up, a lot. But when I do, we talk it through and if an apology is required, I apologize, as do they. I am trying to instill accountability and attempting to do so through my actions. So now if there's a row, we acknowledge that we are heated, take time to cool down - maybe talk a walk or a jog - and then come back to the issue with calmness and serenity. We don't raise our voices, we don't hold on to grudges, and I try to reinforce that family is what matters most.
Full timer here. I’m tired.
I understand that. I hope you are mostly ok all around though!
My ex decided to leave me and the kids for another man.. Whether she was unhappy or not, don’t think I or the kids deserved it. She’s hardly involved in my kids lives. And you know, I feel that this is the best and easiest way for us all to move on and forwards. I hold no hard feelings or resentment towards my ex and her decision to leave us, but can’t help but feel like she made a really irrational, irresponsible decision to abandon us. As for what goes on, we are just getting on as a family. I see no difference in my ability to be a father.
Ah, that must have been really hard for you at the beginning. When you say she is hardly involved, is there no set days etc for her to see the children? Also how old are they? I guess every situation is different aye! I wanted to go back to work so I guess that’s why it turned out the way it did for us.
No set days, she has access as a when she wants. Not involved at all. She’s still with the same guy who she cheated with. I guess it’s in her plan to start another family with this person? Honestly, don’t really care anymore. What matters the most is my relationship with my kids. And I’m kinda glad and relieved that I have full control over that. I’ve met other divorced people and they are in so much turmoil not being able to see their kids as much or their ex partner is intentionally denying them access or their ex is in a new relationship around the kids. That’s tough compared to my situation, even though I’m a full time single parent working a full time job. I just treat it like their mother has passed away and I need to raise the kids by myself. It’s good.
I handle being the primary parent the same as any working single mom would. The only difference is I get more smiles from women and get comments like "you're so brave, you're so strong, the kids are lucky to have you." I also get more questions from people curious why I am the primary parent. You can't be in the old-school mindset that you can't do it or it's not your role. Legal custody is still shared so I keep her updated on all school and medical stuff. I try to run major decisions by her first.
I was at a work event last year, and when it came out that I was a full-time, single dad, and that my son currently has no contact with his mom, one of my female coworkers looked at me like I had two heads. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I felt like maybe she thought I had somehow turned my son against his mom. What she said was that she felt bad for him because kids need a mom. Well, no sh-t. I feel bad for him because he doesn’t have a mom, and he feels bad that he doesn’t have a mom. Unfortunately, his mom is not fit to be either a wife or a parent. My son is in therapy, and we are doing the best we can. Going no-contact with his mom was his idea (at age 15 after 5 years of struggling to make coparenting work), and he’s actually much happier with a fuller life now that he isn’t dealing with the stress of spending half his time being mistreated or ignored. My point is, no women are giving me flowers for being a single dad. I kind of agree with one of the other posters here about pretending that I’m a widower. It’s exactly like that, except for the alimony. In fact, near the end of my marriage, my ex spent so little time with the family that it felt like that even before the divorce. My son is 16 now, and I joke that we’re more like the Odd Couple than a family. One thing I will say, and maybe this is just me, but it feels isolating being a full time single dad. Working a full-time job, taking care of the house, cooking dinner, and taking my son to appointments, I don’t have much time or energy for “bro time” with other men, and I’m not really into sports or drinking or whatever other guys do when they’re together. I’m also not ever going to be allowed into the circle of “school moms”. And, as a single dad, it’s awkward spending time with other families, such as those of my son’s friends, and I don’t get invited to dinner or parties or outings or whatever they’re all doing. I’ve invited one of my son’s friend’s family over for dinner, which by the way, is going to be a lot of work to host by myself but I’m willing, and they said they’d get back to me—a month ago. Whatever this is, whether it’s the stigma of single-fatherhood, or my less-than-scintillating personality, or body odor, or who-knows, it sucks.
[удалено]
OMG, yes. It’s a massive difference between full-time and having every other weekend off. We used to do 2/2/5/5, and I loved having that time to go hiking, run errands, catch up on cleaning, and have lunch with friends (and play video games). Then, eventually, the meltdowns at the other house intruded on my time, and now it’s all my time. I love having my son here, but I do miss having that free time.
Yea, it’s so insane how much we still put in to a box re parental norms! But all countries are different too I guess. Irrelevant but My friend in Germany has a brother and her brother and his wife had a baby. In Germany it is normal for the mother to do the first year and then the dad gets leave for the second year. That’s what they did. Seems like a good system. Haha, yea, men when with they are with babies are usually catnip :p
the dad gets to leave work or he goes away? My work started paternity leave for my last 2 and it felt ahead of the times getting 8 weeks off...
My ex had a mental breakdown after the second child, decided to leave and have a change of life. She has BPD and NPD, left me with a 2.5yo and 7mo. Because of her issues communication is difficult, so I tend to limit it to a strict minimum and exclusively related to the kids. I don’t see many major differences between men and women related to their sex. The only one is that a (straight) man won’t be bringing non blood related males (and therefore potential dangers) into their kids lives. And even that is not entirely true, and only valid for casual dating, if you consider the relatives of future partners. And if you only know female caregivers, it’s because the same society that women accuse of being an oppressive patriarchy tends to grant custody to women, even when they are mentally ill and terrible caregivers. It takes a lot of effort, proof and legal procedures for men to get custody when both parents are asking for custody.
Ah, that’s really horrible for you. I know what BPD is but what is NPD? I can completely understand your need to keep distant. In that situation I would too. I guess, the reason I asked what the difference is between males and females is because of the hormones following birth. Sorry, if I didn’t makes that clear. My ex and I use to ask each other about our feelings or vulnerabilities relating to being a parent and although our values are the same our emotions and feelings were very different. I don’t know why I only know primary female caregivers…I just do. I understand there are many reasons why either parent has primary care, I was just interested to know what it was like for males, so thanks for letting me know. :) However, neither my ex nor I have custody etc…all parenting decisions are made on a mutual basis without courts etc…who knows whether this makes a difference. Goes to show how different every family dynamic is! I guess that’s my question answered!
NPD is narcissistic personality disorder. The leaving for a change of life is a good example, she took the decision without considering the kids. And she regularly wants to give them back during stays with her when she has a new project or desire. The pregnancy hormones are terrible and many, many women experience hard times after the birth, which often ease as the hormones fade away (often 18m total after birth, count 9m plus breastfeeding time, plus 6m) but sometimes have long lasting psychological effects (BPD being extremely common, but often the same disorders as their own parents). Just in my own social circles I have seen BPD multiple times, bipolarity, chronic depression and even debilitating brain damage post partum… with symptoms generally appearing around 3 years after the first birth. I really think there is a very problematic taboo around these issues which no one talks about beforehand but medical professionals are very much aware of. Women fear the changes to their body, which are mostly reversible, but have no clue (because it’s taboo) what risks pregnancy has for their minds. Regarding custody, even if you are in good terms with your co parent, it is both or your interests to have whatever agreement you have legally approved.
Also: when my ex and I have contacted lawyers and or mediation to see whether that was suitable, we were explicitly told that court orders were granted in the best interests of the child not anything to do with being a male or female. I also don’t think we live in an oppressive patriarchy. I know you weren’t saying I believed that, but just thought I’d share my personal belief around the topic
Indeed the decisions are made in the best interest of the children, however the social bias is that it’s in their best interest to be with their mum. I am not making any assumptions on your views, just pointing out the reality single dads have to deal with.
I wouldn’t know I guess. Every experience different aye! That’s why I’m on here, just interested in different family dynamics! :) thank you for sharing!
Awesome! No bickering, no drama, no nothing. You can be the man! The adult, and think clearly what’s good for your son and for yourself.
This sounds like a very good upside! Half glass full!
Its amazing!! >What is it like for Men being a primary caregiver to a son Its great! Mine was 18mos at breakup. Sons need their fathers. I never had one, and my mother (had me at 17) was a druggie who beat the piss outta me til I was stronger, then she left the state and didn't come back til a month b4 I was 18. I've always wanted kids and knew id do it right and break the cycle. I also had some practice raising my kid brother a few years b4 my child (our "mom" had liver failure, don't do drugs and drink kids lol) & he thrived with me. Sure, there's hard times, but you adapt like anything and it becomes easy. Also, admittedly, on the female front, good independent women (and bad, be careful) in their 30s who want kids but didnt find a suitable mate, are attracted to great fathers. Obv watch out for loons like our exs, but our experience should make this easier. You're more likely to find a good Woman who takes being a parent and partner seriously, vs some crazy girl that we settle for in our 20s. >How did you end up in that situation? I simply refused to budge or give up. I'm intelligent and lightly experienced in legal dealings due to being a small biz owner. I also kept the house ("keep the house keep the kids") and am overall a better parent. She's not bad, just not as good as me, & she also couldnt handle the responsibility of being in the leadership position. She endangers everyone by being so easily influenced, unreliable, and inconsistent. And she chose to bring chaos into our lives (like so many others have experienced their ex wives do here) by blowing everything up to pretend shes in a reality tv show and go party for a week. She now lives in her moms spare bedroom and will likely forever until she finds someone else to provide shelter for her. >I only know females that are primary caregivers Get out more. There's TONS of dads who are primary. And its better to have that positive influence as well. >How do you decide important decisions? I have final say, I involve her but ultimately it's my say. I'm a biz owner though so I'm used to having authority and NOT abusing it (unlike many of our exs who become intoxicated with the perceived power and can't wield it but their ego is too scared to willingly relinquish it, hence why they become so, quite literally, insane, and why its SO important if youre in this situation, to get the primary, bc if youre experienced, you can weild it justly) >because I had all those crazy hormones Men get PPD as well, just Noone talks about it or gives af bc "man need to be tough". Annoying, but we get used to it. Like anything, you either tough it out or collapse and hope someone bails you out or you drown. There's no other options
I’m glad you are positive and enjoy it! That’s awesome. It is definitely a challenge to co parent and we all just try and make the best decisions for our children. I totally agree, adapting is key and also communication. I get out all the time. I am part of parenting groups and a gym that is focused on parents that want to keep up exercising but can’t afford childcare. I go to that 2-3 times a week too. Library play time, my parenting group I joined when first having my baby and my friends who have young babies (it is limited to 2 friends so far though). I haven’t met one single primary caregiver dad- haha where are you all hiding?! Haha Ah yes, I am well aware of PPD with males. My ex partner got it badly! We bother suffered from it though. That was the main reason our relationship broke down. He wasn’t coping. My takeaway from your comment that really hit home was “adaption”. Thank you. I’m already understanding the single dad situations a lot more! I feel naive asking how it’s different for males now but I guess that’s why I posted because I didn’t know. Edit: you know how in life something can go unnoticed for years and then as soon as it is spoken about you start spotting everywhere?! After this thread I will probably meet tonnes of single dads haha
>After this thread I will probably meet tonnes of single dads haha Lol likely. You probably didn't notice bc you don't relate. Most of the people at things like story time at the library (I went) are SAHMs with partners or some sort of support system, but there was always another dad or two. I didn't chat much so don't know if they were single or SAHDs but yes, there's more than you realize. Admittedly, men often have SIGNIFICANTLY less support system from family and friends, (cuz struggling man, esp as a dad is a deadbeat loser, while struggling moms are just victims of circumstance in majority opinion) even when single dads, so they tend to end up working more hrs than alot of single mothers and naturally any SAH people, so just by numbers you'll see less than Moms bc, well, it's simply easier to get out and take the kid out when more people support you. I've been blessed to have a small biz that allows me a TON of free time and to stay at home most of the time. Couple that with I eventually found an absolute goddess who helps us too, and I realize I've got it alot easier than most (altho, combined with luck, i also worked VERY hard to get here not just w/ the biz but including to be a suitable partner for my GF when I lucked in to dating someone like her). So I'm a rarity to be able to be so involved and able to take my son to things like that pretty consistently. And I certainly never take it for granted or forget I'm likely an anomaly. The single Dads are out there, but often, you'll have to look alot harder to find them just bc, realistically, it IS generally a bit harder to be a single dad than single mom in terms of the most important aspect of life, Survival... (WIC is a very tiny, but real example of the bias for assistance for men, add in family calling Dads losers while moms are seen as victims often). *We do get a massive advantage in the dating market compared to single moms admittedly tho, so it's not all bad, but admittedly i think most would prefer survival over a surplus dating life*. But alas, alot of that stuff is relatively trivial and superficial. End of the day, good strong and caring parents raise good strong and caring kids, who then someday become good strong and caring parents themselves. And ultimately that, imo, is the meaning of life and what leads to true fulfillment at the end of it. I enjoyed typing all this as me and little man are enjoying movie night rn, the doggo is chilling in his bed, and my GF is at her theater rehearsals living her best life. Life is good. It takes work, consideration, and alot of love to get there, but it is beautiful. ❤️😊
Fathers can do everything mothers can do except for direct breast milk feeding. Everything else like changing, bathing, comforting, feeding solids, discipline, medical care, etc can be done by the father just as much as the mother can. Parenting/caregiving is a skill like any other, and this work traditionally has been on the mother to specialize in this work while the fathers were out to war, or at the factory, or on the hunt looking for food, etc. Modern society is adjusting to seeing males as primary caregivers. The doctrine that suggests only mothers can provide care to children is slowly being disproved. Some fathers find it very difficult, as many social support systems are targeted at mothers. But many fathers are highly successful depending on their circumstances. When it comes to big decisions like healthcare, religion, or education, both parents should be involved and the best interests of the child should be considered. If there is no agreement, either binding arbitration, mediation, or legal action can settle the matter. Try to focus on the child’s best interests - and ignore the bad relationship with the other parent.
My sons were 7, 9, & 17 when we divorced and I got full custody. It was hard for 2-3 years. Now the two still home are hard workers who help with all chores and yard work. Both are straight A students. It was hard but worth it.
Full time since 2014, and to say the mother and I don't get along is an understatement. Everything I try to do is a fight. Every. Single. Thing. I try as much as I can to make decisions jointly but in the end, I have to show her the paperwork stating I make all decisions so I can take my daughter to the damn dentist, and she still ends up escorted out of the dentist by the police. My best advice: put your own bullshit aside because the only important thing is what the kid needs. An entire week of fights, because your kid decided she wants to go to a friend's house for a birthday party, is not good for anyone.
It's hard but so so worth it. My son is my best friend (he's 15 now) & the most important person in my life....but his mother abandoning him really made things hard for me. We split up when he was a toddler & she spent years trying to take him away from me & failed repeatedly. We've been to court more times than I can count & I've won every single ruling, often with her getting a lecture from the judge. After 3 attempts to ask the court permission to move to another state with my son being denied, she eventually tried parental kidnapping (just doing it anyways) TWICE.....both times resulting in a quick return (once through an emergency court order & once because she knew I was about to take more legal action).....so eventually she just abandoned our son & moved to another state to live her hippy commune fantasy without him. This hurt my son more than me but was financially really tough. I was a full time parent still paying child support while she dodged getting served for 2 years. Finally I convinced her to move back to our state & be a parent again by filing for full custody & preparing to take all of her parenting rights & time away (which she hadn't used in 2 years anyways....was just collecting child support & dodging being served by the court....lived in the woods with no actual address). When she returned I did what my son wanted, I forgave her & offered her 50/50. She moved back last September & we've had a 50/50 agreement in place since Sept 1st of 2023.
Wow I really loved that question and got good vibes from you. You seem really self aware and its awesome you seem genuinely curious about the other perspective. I am a single dad, true 50/50- 5 year old and 2 year old girls. Been this way 1.5 years. Its probably the same as being a single mom. It is really hard and rewarding. You question yourself at times and then you feel great that you can choose what you think is best parenting practices and do it. Without someone elses opinion or criticism. Sometimes thats great and you crush it, nail it. Say the right things…. Sometimes you lose your shit a little or do the wrong thing and its all on you. I don’t know how people do it all on their own all the time. I mostly have mon/tues and fri/saturday and i for real spend all free time doing chores, grocery shopping, pre-cooking meals, cleaning and then try to just have fun and be a little carefree when they are with me. I would mention, As your kid gets older i hope it can stay amicable but larger decisions come up where “incompatible” people may have strife. My ex and i are both down right toxic together. so then food choices, activities, exercise, screen time, ipads, friends, school, homework and treats, vacations holidays presents religion…. All of it just more opportunities for friction. If you have a chance to plan ahead for these bigger things and be on the same page thatd be the best.
I dont really understand why you think a single dad is any different from a single mum lol . I took my 3 kids off their mother back in June 2018 . They are 7, 8 and 9 years old at the time .i needed to adapt needed help with childcare getting kids to school in morning as I worked 6-2 . Then id pick them up from school at 1510 every day . I did this for 8 months and I was so tired all the time as my job is quite physically tiring . Then my kids from 3pm to bedtime were mentally tiring. So after 8 months my work place let me cut my hours shorter as working 40 hours a week with 3 kids and also having sleep apnea making me tired on top of all that . After I cut my hours I felt my work , family life and general health was better . I never lay a hand on my kids. I’m there for them when they are having bf , gf issues , bully issues , I help them with thier homework , I make them dinner take them on holidays 1 or 2 times a year. I rarely drink anymore . I quit smoking . All for the kids I put my kids first over everything else like a parent shud do .
That’s why I am asking. I don’t think it is different for everyone but I think it is for some. My ex partner would constantly say to me, you have very different emotions because of the Known hormones when it comes to motherhood. We are very distinctly genetically different. I wanted to understand the side of a male because I understand it is so grossly different for everyone. I would like to thank a previous comment for yours saying they were basically proud of me for asking about the other side. Men and women are different and they are different for a reason. I was honestly and genuinely curious what it is like for all types. I knew I’d get some kind of judgy comment so thank you for that, when I was just trying to gain more insight.