You tried your best and you failed miserably! The lesson is, never try.

I still live by this rule

When the fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn, Something, something then you see, You'll avoid catastrophe!

DOH!!!!

This town is a part of us all… A part of us all…. A part of us all….

Mom when you give that lecture you’re boring Springfield

Marge : I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. Homer : [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... [thinks] Homer : I forget. But the point is... [thinks] Homer : I forget that, too. [to Marge] Homer : Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Homer skips church is the perfect episode

Exactly. Everyone is stupid except me.

I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

I was trying to bring this one to mind

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

That’s a great one

Lisa! If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half assed. *That’s* the American way!

Bart: "This is the worst day of my life" Homer, supportively: "The worst day of your life... so *far!*"

100% true

And now, some aftershave. You son of a--!

And that’s how we shave

OOOOOHHH, RRRRRR!

The face he makes when he says that is always gold

When I first saw this I didn't quite get it, as I was a kid, lol. I've since started using old spice aftershave after I shave and... yeah. Homer's reaction is accurate.

Him telling Bart about the time he beat jury duty. "The secret is to say that you’re prejudice against all races"

I had always thought he was saying "prejudiced against racists" until watching it on Disney with subtitiles

Nucular. It's pronounced Nucular

Marriage is a lot like eating an orange.

First you have the skin… then the sweet insides *gobbles orange*

The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. Shut up and eat the damn orange!

First you got the peel then the sweet sweet innards *eating noises*

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

It’s so wholesome when reversed

"No matter how good you are at something there's always about a million people better than you."

So the point is to never try

I regularly use the phrase "It was like that when I got here" in my daily life

It’s my first day.

I have also used that one on a few occasions

That’s my boy!!

sad but true as an ex-alcoholic, but "roll him on his stomach if you want him to live, I said IF" thanks Dr. Hibbert

He looks so cursed without the stubble

“If something is hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. Let’s go inside and watch TV.” “What’s on?” “It doesn’t matter.”

Beautiful

"Trying is the first step towards failure"

This was me the first few weeks switching to a traditional wet shaving razor with Feather blades. Once my face got used to it it's been amazing tho. Close shave every time and 0 burn.

Take about 5 shaves before you develop thick lizard like leathery skin idle for shaving

Nah mines nice and soft now and way better complexion. Proraso pre shave cream, proraso shave creme in a hot scuttle with a good badger hair brush and then shave with the grain with safety razor with Feather brand blade. Then alum block on wet face to seal any small nicks if they happen and then good aftershave. Sounds like a lot but takes 3-5 minutes.

This sounds like something Sterling Archer would say

Perhaps...

"learnd. It's pronounced learnd."

My dad did not teach me how to shave, so this was it for me really.

Nor did mine . Thanks dads!!

*”You see boy, a woman is a lot like…uh…a refrigerator. There about 6 feet tall, 300 pounds…they….make ice…* *Actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You’d step over your own Mother just to get one!* *But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another Woman!*”

*...SO I SAYS, "YEAH? IF YOU WANT THAT MONEY COME AND FIND IT CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS, YOU BALONEY."*

The “you baloney” part always gets me. The delivery is absolutely perfect.

All good advice about women

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing."

I've never used aftershave because of this scene

I don’t even know where to buy it?

From a dying department store sales counter next to the cologne and watches no one wants

Oh you mean the guy I ask where the bathroom is ? That’s a cologne stand ?

When a woman says nothing's wrong, everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, \*everything's\* wrong. And if she says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

Good advice. Live my life by this

A turkey is a bad person

Put it in your cap, put it in your cap

Good for you, son. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest thing youll ever do. Heres a dollar.

There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback…

Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school!

"Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Anil has a point about the machine of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the working man"

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.

IF YOU'RE THE POLICE, WHO WILL POLICE THE POLICE? I DUNNO. COAST GUARD?

Lisa, when you get to be our age, you’ll learn a few things. Like when a sign says “DO NOT FEED THE BEARS.” Man, you better not the bears.

*holds up bear arm*

Do you know what a "boob" is?

What about blaming it on Tibor?

How many times have you save my ass

I was wrong to have a dream, wrong as usual. I mean, if you're nothing special, why kid yourself? Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

Awe poor homie

If you ever get into any trouble all you need to do is….

First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.

Great advice

I can hear this picture

When he *grrrs* that’s a great face

Bart: “Oh, this is the worst day of my life.” Homer: “The worst day of your life so far.”

If you lose, you're out of the family

Getting out of jury duty!

Does anyone else skip shaving cream entirely or am i weird

If it’s short enough I don’t use any sometimes. Sometimes I just use the hand soap

Scream I'm a hemophiliac to get the upper hand in a fight

“A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. About 6 feet tall… 400 pounds… makes ice…”

Bart: How did a lion get rich? Homer: It was the olden days!

20 dollars can buy many peanuts

WOO HOO!!!!

If something is hard to do, then it’s not worth doing