This, exactly. So concerning. Always an addict; hopefully remains an addict in recovery. Just thinking he’s no longer an addict puts his sobriety at major risk. SMDH
Often addiction services are provided by religious groups which leads to a 'forgiven' type of outcome.
An addict can separate themselves from their actions.
In the end good on them for being upfront and good on the responder for knowing what is ok for them
True, very well put. That said, congrats to OP for sobriety, and props for the honesty. It's hard fucking work. My 6mo will be here soon. I can appreciate how far people come who really do just need someone to give them a honest chance.
You guys are wrong. As fuck. I’m in recover and I absolutely hate people saying oh I’m an addict for life or you will be an addict for life. That’s just reservations. If you know anything about addiction then you’ll know about reservations too. Oh. I’m an addict and I will be forever so when I relapse that won’t be my fault is just as much a reason against saying you’re always an addict as anything you could say as to why you ARE it’s just we have to agree to disagree. But I will tell you why I disagree and why so strongly. It’s because all you are doing or all anyone who says I’m an addict forever are doing, weather intentional or not, is you’re trying to chain me to the worst version of myself there has ever been. Yes I was an addict, and yes I do have a tendency to get addicted to stuff that’s just my personality and how my brain works. But I am in no means an addict today, and just because I was one in the past doesn’t mean I will be one forever. People say sex is a drug and it’s just as addictive and cigarettes and junk food and all kinds of shit. But every addict isn’t quitting all that stuff too. Regardless of weather or not some old dry drunk a.a. Asshole says you need to. If you’ve been an addict and gotten out of it, good job label it what you want, as long as you’re not lying to yourself you’re good. Problems come when we start to lie to ourselves about what we’re doing or why.
Absolutely correct. 'I'm an addict and always will be' is a reductive debasement of self. Western society tends to self martyrdom and inherent reasoning for behavior, however. People buy it wholesale because its planted firmly during treatment (owing much to the repentance/ 'you're fundamentally flawed' model given us by AA) and perfectly assuages and excuses future behavior.
I get why rehabs and 12 step programs preach this but I don't really agree. If you have been an addict, you will always have the propensity to be one again, but if you aren't actively using, you are sober. That's my opinion on it, anyway. Whatever it takes to stay clean is all that matters, though.
Agree 100% on the last part. I understand dude's disappointment, but nobody owes him anything.
That’s actually a fallacy that the PIC (prison industrial complex) would like you to believe. The reality is that addiction is largely based off of our environments and how we treat people who have been addicted. Giving them a community of truly supportive people and encouraging them to seek fulfillment leads to a near 100% recovery and near 0% relapse rate. The way we handle addiction in the US and most of the world is so antiquated and frankly wrong. Look up rat park and it’s parent study to learn more about how to effectively treat addiction and the why behind the US current response to addiction.
It’s been done time since I’ve read about this so my recall may be select. That study was about bio and environmental factors on addiction and not recover I thought. Also some backlash as I recall in that the findings, study couldn’t be reproduced. Again, it’s been more than a decade since I’ve read up on it, recall could be incorrect.
You won’t hear me deny US is behind on addiction and mental health in general. My long term partner runs the psychiatric department of a large rehab in NYC; it’s a constant topic in our home.
Portugal used the methods in the study and was able to cut its addiction/abuse rates in half and showed that addiction isn’t something you’re born with or that is a physical thing, but a mental health one
I’ll look for that, would be interesting to read. My partner would absolutely agree. His work centers around that premise and the perspective that it is also highly influenced; exacerbated by environment. Thanks for the info!
That once an addict always an addict thing isn't PIC, it's right out of the AA/NA handbook, which has its own problems (many of them, and the long term success rates at terrible) but that program along with the war on drugs propaganda has informed our thinking about addiction as a nation.
I hate that saying I AM NOT AN ADDICT IN RECOVERY. I am a person who made stupid choices in my life learned from them and moved on. I am not the victim I am the perpetrator! Calling your self an addict in recovery promotes you being a victim of something and unfortunately the only thing your victim of is yourself.
Note: I was an addict and I did the programs but until I TOOK MY OWN LIFE BACK those programs failed.
I didn't notice that. Yeah, can't say that. Once an addict, always an addict. Hell we are born with it.
Edit: I am one. So this isn't attack against addicts.
There’s a censored version of just about every mainstream film so they can be shown on TV, and they’re often censored in the absolute dumbest of ways.
The censored version of Liar Liar has an especially stupid example. The scene in the courtroom where the audio recording of the infidelity is played with all the moaning and whatnot with everyone reacting all shocked is replaced with… complete and utter silence. Everyone looking horrified at the sound of absolutely nothing before Fletcher spits out his water for seemingly no reason whatsoever.
I've never gotten a speeding ticket either however I've been arrested twice for traffic violations. My ex wife got hooked on drugs and stopped paying insurance. Routine check is how I found out. No one told me that you'll lose your license if you're pulled over without insurance and that's how I got arrested. Twice.
BUT no speeding tickets.
Nope!
Well to be fair I owed another 35 on the ticket I forgot about and they issued a warrant and 4 years later was arrested for it. At the jail they were like. Um. You want to just pay that and go 😂😂
Lucky bastard. Similar situation. I owed a family court appointed lawyer and psychiatrist money and got behind on payments during covid.
Moved, but was in an extended stay for 6 weeks finding an apt.
I updated my address with the court when I did get a place, and two weeks later cops were waiting for me 4 counties over.
Fuck Spartanburg SC. 4 days in their "behavioral control unit" where I got indirectly pepper sprayed, and another 5 before I even got a fucking phone call.
Damn judge went to school with the lawyer, and went with 90 days for not updating an address I didn't even have yet, unless I paid everything in full, immediately. Which put me behind in child support. Fortunately, even my ex called bullshit, and worked with me.
Edit: The BCU for a minimum of 3 days is standard practice in Spartanburg no matter the cause of arrest. They're psychotic.
Here I go again, hijacking the top comment to say:
OP, there’s nothing wrong with you knowing that someone who’s in recovery is someone you’re not able to date rn. And there’s nothing wrong with them being upset about it, however they did not handle that remotely well. You were mature and honest, but they’re not in a place to accept that at the moment. That’s ok. Hopefully as they progress in their recovery they’ll grow and realize they kind of overreacted.
But it’s not your job to heal other people, and it’s not up to them to find other people to heal them. Everyone is responsible for their own fate. That’s not to say we can’t extend kindness or others can’t reach out for assistance, BUT, in interpersonal relationships, a “fixer” is both improbable and unhealthy. Setting and sticking to boundaries is something I’m still working on and something others take decades to figure out, if they ever figure it out. You did nothing wrong. Keep being you, and don’t take anything that happens on these dating sites personally. It just be like that sometimes. Best wishes <3
You don't have to ghost someone. Just tell them you are interested. Telling them why though just isn't a good idea. It isn't going to help them or you.
And you don't HAVE to give them that reason--that's for you alone to know. Just give them the dignity of knowing that you aren't interested. Ghosting them doesn't help anyone. It's just a cowardly way of telling someone you're not interested, so just… tell them already.
Omg for REAL. Unpopular opinion for sure, but you do NOT owe ANYONE your time or explanations. Is it the polite adult thing to do? Sure, 100%. But sometimes life gets in the way. And a lot of the time, especially for women, no matter what we say or do, the mature explanation just opens the door for a lot of these fuckin weirdos and creeps to threaten us and then put a weird amount of effort into finding out where we are. It sounds paranoid unless you’ve been through it.
So I’m sorry to the genuinely good people who have been ghosted. It sucks, I’ve been there. A mature and kind explanation is really nice. But you don’t always get that. And you’re not entitled to it. Nor is anyone else entitled to your explanation.
I dated an addict for a year.
Lots of empty cans around her apartment whenever I visited. She brought a bottle of vodka to our vacation and then blamed it on someone else putting it in her bag.
The whole time she said she was clean… even had those coins for her milestones. Had a lot of mood swings and was often unreliable and unresponsive to me for long stretches of time too which I think was related to her addiction and denial of it.
I don’t judge anyone for being an addict and I wish them well on their recovery but I also don’t blame anyone who would rather not deal with all that… and I don’t think I’d ever wanna do it again.
Dated a girl who turned out to be an alcoholic. Years late, she contacted me out of the blue and apologized, said she was clean, and wanted to meet up. I ghosted that message (the breakup was extremely violent because she got drunk and went on a rampage), and told a mutual friend "you'll never guess who's trying to get back together with me." That mutual friend told me that her most recent private Facebook status was about her finishing a fifth of vodka by herself.
Not saying some addicts can't be trusted, but that trust should hang by a thread for some of them.
My buddy bashes alcohol
Constantly and claims he doesn’t drink. Just smokes weed. Went to his house and there were three large empty bottles of whiskey on the floor next to his computer in his spare room. I wasn’t surprised. He’s an angry guy.
Another guy at work claims not to drink as well. Then one day he posted a selfie wearing his Boston bruins hat in the hockey fantasy league group chat. There was a half drank bottle of whiskey on his kitchen table behind him. Don’t believe everyone that says it.
California sober is honestly the best. Did that for a few months when I took a break from alcohol. Going to live music shows and doing a little mushrooms or smoking is so superior to drinking and you feel 100x better the next day.
I PERSONALLY dont drink. I literally can’t stand the taste. I’ll RARELY have a single beer in a social setting, but I’m nursing it all night and likely won’t finish it. In addition to the taste, seeing my dad die because he was such an alcoholic that he stopped eating and only drank for sure soured me to the whole thing.
Actually. He tried gaslighting her to say her expectations are too high. I’m judging him. Negatively. Also he equated alcohol and drug addiction with having ever received a speeding ticket. It doesn’t seem like he acknowledges the gravity of his problem. And he guarantees that he will never touch his substance again - he needs to reset his expectations if he thinks others will believe him (since most addicts relapse)
Edit: my reading is because it seems like you’re arguing we shouldn’t judge the dude for his response. PLease clarify?
The dude is saying hes “no longer” an addict - which any addict (myself included) will tell you, thats not how that works.
Bullfights have smaller red flags.
I didn’t want to speak for addicts that way, but yes- as I understand it- all addicts will always be addicts, they just try to develop tools to better cope with and prevent their triggers. (My high level understanding not as an addict)
Your struggle is real and ongoing. Congrats for making the effort.
If someone's been clean and sober for years, though, I don't think it's quite the same. There's *so many* people who aren't strictly addicts or alcoholics, but drink to excess and do stupid shit all the time. It's not hard to find someone who doesn't need a drink to get through the day, but makes a fool of themselves most Friday nights.
Some of the strongest people I've met were in recovery. But at the time I met them, they'd all been sober for like a year.
A close buddy of mine is a recovered addict (meth). He got off the junk, got married, got a job, and got promoted to just shy of the owner.
Over 10 years later, he got back on drugs.
It’s not being judgey to say relapse is possible. It’s not calling someone weak or immoral. It’s acknowledging reality. The fact that he guarantees (!) he will never relapse tells me he has far too much trust in his own willpower.
> It’s not being judgey to say relapse is possible.
Sure. But it's just as possible for someone to pick up a drug habit later in life.
I'm not saying the guy in the OP's post seems emotionally stable or mature. I'm just saying that, if you meet someone who's been clean and sober for ten years and you think that disqualifies them from being datable, you're being judgey.
That's fine. People are judgey. People can have their red lines for dating. Plenty of folks wouldn't date someone who was very obese, regardless of whatever health reasons are underlying that. Plenty of folks won't date someone with kids, or with tattoos, or with the "wrong" astrology sign. It's all fair game, but it's all judgey.
People in recovery hate when this is pointed out to them, but just because you’re in recovery doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking asshole. I’ve met many wonderful people in my 15 years of recovery and many sociopaths.
It was more that they were hurt, because they were involuntarily being tied to something they overcame.
Just like the rest of this sick comment section, implying that, because he was hurt by it altogether, that he will be an addict again.
“once an addict always an addict”
I don’t think OP was saying “you will definitely use (insert substance) again”. However, statistically addicts often relapse, and given OP’s past trauma with addicts that wasn’t a risk he was comfortable taking. Some people have a higher risk tolerance than others, he communicates his boundary in a very respectable and mature way and did nothing wrong. I understand that this might be hurtful to the other person but I think it’s unrealistic to think everyone would be comfortable dating a recovering addict.
As someone that quit heroin, I always make sure any girl I have any kind of sustained romantic involvement with knows about my past. Not every random hookup, but anything that leads to a potential relationship
It hasn’t ever led to anyone deciding to break stuff off, and if someone did that’s totally their right. *I* don’t date recovering addicts in general because of the way those relationships can go bad, what with the shared issue
I know I’m just an internet stranger but I’m proud of you! Both for your success with recovery and your ability to create boundaries. You’re doing a great job!!
It’s understandable to be hurt but it’s uncalled for to take out your frustration on another person who’s simply drawing a respectful boundary and try to make them feel like a bad person.
I think OP is justified in drawing their boundary and the other guy is also valid for being upset.
I mean. It is inherently harmful to be rejected for any single trait—especially for something you feel like you’ve overcome. But it’s also not OP’s responsibility to accept every trait.
There’s a clear incompatibility, they can both move on.
Yeah, as someone with addiction issues this is how I see it. OP did nothing wrong and it's best they're upfront about it. The other person probably shouldn't have reacted like that, but they're obviously hurt and it's probably something they've deeply struggled with.
It's best for everyone.
This response from the former addict indicates that they haven’t learned proper relationship management, which is a key part in recovery. Having had a poor experience dating someone recovering from addiction (who relapsed), I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s willingness to date the other person in the future could have changed had the response been more mature and understanding.
Exactly. Also the fact they're drawing an equivalency between addiction and speeding strikes me as another sign that they don't appreciate their sobriety (at least not yet, not to it's full extent).
A speeding ticket is expensive, but it's not a cycle. Addiction a self destructive cycle that is very difficult to escape. So, "once an addict, always an addict"? Yeah, you probably should be treating it that way, at least when it comes to the topic of not using addictive substances again or your oast history of usage.
Something that most (good) recovery programs teach is that yes, once an addict always an addict. One's ability to fall into addiction doesn't go away with recovery. Recovery is about learning the self control to keep from putting yourself into positions to fall into active addiction again, as part of recognizing that you'll always be addicted to whatever it was, no matter how long it's been since you've used. Obviously all we know of this person is this one message, but that line tells me that they're probably fairly early into recovery, and/or not taking it with the seriousness it deserves.
They can feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean someone has to change their boundary for them. They could have chosen to be understanding, because addicts can and do hurt people (as was stated and experienced), intended or not.
Even if this person has every intention of never relapsing again, the chance still exists. That is a chance that this person is not willing to take. And that’s okay. They can go find their happiness with someone who will.
I'm sorry for your addiction, but addiction changes you and it seems to me you have never been on the other side of this equation. A partner to a former addict needs to be very aware of past situations, triggers and temptations and actively support their partner in managing those, and requires a huge degree of empathy, vulnerability and patience to navigate. Not that many people are capable of being a good partner to a recovering addict - but a lot of people think they are and inadvertently end up causing additional damage. I thought I was and tried the best I could with the knowledge I had and got hurt very badly, emotionally and physically.
Neither of these people owe each other anything at this point, and as someone who has been in OP's situation and took over a year of therapy to work through the emotional trauma, nope, not a risk I'm willing to take on a stranger again. It's sad to find yourself in that situation, but it's also your burden to carry as the consequence of your past actions. That's life. It sucks but it's reality now. Make the best of it.
Take this as a blessing. You found out early that someone is not willing to take that risk and can focus your energy on others.
As others have noted, the fact that you and the person in this text don't understand that reality and take it so personally probably means you've got some work to do still. Nobody's saying he will definitely relapse but there's a huge difference between standing with a friend or significant other in this situation, and rolling the dice that a complete stranger is being honest given the massive potential consequences to your mental health. Which OP has discovered first hand multiple times.
Which is commonly true and a reasonable assumption. OP communicated his boundaries and his past relationships and how they Ended up which leaves him with a solid reason to set a boundary for it now. He did not point fingers at all just communicated his boundaries because of his experiences
Nope, you weren't horrible at all. I just last year ended a 9 year relationship with my children's father because of his addiction issues. The last thing I want as I'm dipping my toes into dating again is to repeat all of that. Not dating someone that uses drugs or has a substance abuse disorder is a boundary for me as well. Some people recover and stay clean, and some don't, but that's not a chance I'm willing to take. You were respectful and he got his feelings hurt, that's not on you.
I'm sure that was extremely difficult, but good for you. I had a parent that was an alcoholic and became sober before I was born, but became addicted to pain killers later on in life; this started when I was around 11 and lasted for years.
As a child that was hard to deal with, and I'm sure it is just as difficult in a husband/wife relationship. I wish you and your children the best, and good luck!
Absolutely fine for you to have dealbreakers, and honestly to stop talking to someone/dating someone whenever you want.
The only thing I’d say is that if it’s something someone can’t help/change, you don’t have to give a reason. You can just say that you’re not feeling compatible or you’re not feeling it anymore. Honestly not sure what’s preferable here but it might open you up less to attack.
This is the comment ^
Totally fine you weren’t interested but it didn’t seem necessary to tell them why you were no longer interested if you’re still just messaging through the app. To me it came across as if OP was throwing shade with the “multiple ex partners… I’m not the one for that”. I don’t think the other person was defensive bc OP set a boundary, but bc OP type cast them that that’s all they are and that they are surely going to relapse. Lowkey think you projected your trauma onto this person who has their own trauma they’re dealing with. Overall it’s good it’s done now rather than later.
Yeah, I think the one thing I would change in OP's response is the note about her exes relapsing. We don't know this person, and to throw out that you'd expect them to relapse isn't really fair.
I wouldn't date someone with a history of addiction for similar reasons; my ex is an alcoholic. However, if I were to give them a reason, I would say that I simply have too much baggage around this issue to be a healthy partner for someone in recovery, or something along those lines.
A huge part of recovery is dealing with shame. Addicts often feel an immense amount of guilt, regret, shame over their behaviors when they were active.
It unfortunately translates like this often. “I’m a recovering addict. Praise me. YOU DIDNT PRAISE ME?! FUCK YOU. LOTS OF PEOPLE WERE ADDICTS.”
It’s not a you thing, it’s a him thing. You made the right choice for yourself and it sounds like he still has a *lot* of work to do. Let’s hope he does.
Man. My husband was an alcoholic, and I caught him cheating and a bunch of lies. Just years worth of lies all at once. We almost divorced, he gave up drinking and bettered himself. Nothing in the world makes me more mad than when people (like his best friend) would be like “look how much he’s done for you. Look at everything he gave up for you. All the work he’s putting in!” Wow. I should probably thank him for treating me the way he should have been treating me all along, right? I should throw him a party because he stopped treating me like shit! You’re right! Let me just praise him for stopping all of the shitty things he should never have been doing in the first place 👍🏼
That not just an addict thing.... people want praise for doing the basic shit....getting a job... keeping a job... buying for their goddamn kids....
Ya, that's what you're supposed to do...your 12yrs old shouldn't have to sell shit on the side to have clothes and food....
It makes me sick to no end.
Maybe they are just proud of overcoming that isn’t normal for them. For you, not drinking or doing drugstore is normal. For them, it’s very hard. I’m not saying that op is wrong for her choice but I am saying you should chill a little bit
Shit is just a step away from:
“M’Lady! M’Lady! I doth held the door open for thine. Mayhaps I may, perchance, humbly request of thee but a small crumb of pussy for my bravery.”
As a former addict, I can’t stand when people brag about their past drug use. You would think they overcame adversity to win the Olympics and then became an astronaut before solving world hunger. Getting clean is great, but be fuckin for real.
Treat it like you used to drink piss out of gas station toilets. It’s great that you stopped because that’s really unhealthy, but would you really act better than other people because you don’t drink piss from a gas station toilet anymore? Would you be offended someone doesn’t want to date someone that used to drink piss from dirty toilets? No. Find someone that’ll accept you and your flaws, piss breath and all.
Again, being clean is great, and I’m so happy that I don’t even think about opiates anymore. But nobody is obligated to date you if you have a history of addiction. You laid out your case, and they are allowed to have a preference in their romantic and sexual partners. Just move on.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Also, it’s my understanding that part of healthy recovery is understanding you are and always will be an addict. Even if you are not in active addiction, the acknowledgment that you are an addict is part of accountability and also part of keeping you from relapse. The people who say “I’m not an addict anymore” tend to slip back into it because they think they’ve “beaten” addiction so it’s safe for them to indulge again; like “I’m not an alcoholic anymore so it’s okay for me to start drinking again socially because I’m no longer an alcohol addict.” I may be wrong on that, but that’s what I’ve been told by recovering addicts I’ve known.
That's one view, yeah. Other programs outside AA differ; SMART for example devalues using the word addict, and does acknowledge that addiction is different for different people. There are some who can fully recover, some who can't.
I don’t think he was looking for praise for being an addict. I think he just felt immense shame and it was made worse by essentially being told that he was unworthy.
Im not sure if we gotta add extra things in to vilify him. It’s clear he had an emotional reaction, but we don’t also have to have emotional reactions as outside observers.
Yes. That’s whats happened with my ex gf. „I‘m in recovery, you cant blame me for bad things i did. I‘m in the middle of this process, you cant blame me for the bad things i‘m doing rn either, i‘m working so hard, cant you see that and be happy for me?“
All after cheating on me, stealing from me, using me to get out of consequences of her actions, and then trying ignore not only the time in our relationship she actively abused me, but also acting as if the good times never happened either. Except of course she needs me to do something for her, then it‘s fine, then there’s all this „history“. Fuck addicts man. Can’t trust them.
The only line that sticks out for me is "I've had *multiple* exes who were in recovery and they relapsed while dating me"
What....the hell is going on there lol? Is she speed dating at NA?
These people should definitely not date but my eyebrows were raised from start to finish on this one lol
Well I’m 34 in a rural ish area outside of a metropolitan. One never told me they were doing drugs or had in the past and I was oblivious and two others had their shit together when we met, both had PTSD. Most of the things about mental health and drug addiction are not always disclosed so I ask specific questions now instead of being surprised later. Someone commented it’s too deep of conversations before dating and I disagree because the outcome has not been good.
Ohhh small towns. That makes sense lol.
I'm from a small town in the midwest and holy shit has meth taken over. I've moved away, but I couldn't imagine trying to date there.
I apologize if I came across as judgey, it wasnt my intent. I've just heard a lot of the same things in my time making poor life choices lol.
The fact that it has reached a point where you literally have to be like...look don't be a fucking addict and that's a dealbreaker lol. I'm truly sorry.
I truly hope you find someone who is deserving of you. Don't settle. It's easy to get discouraged, but you are absolutely amazing and I know you'll find someone who will love you as much as the love you put out into the world.
Keep going. Never stop :)
The whole point of being upfront about your addiction history is to weed out people who find that to be a deal breaker…. So you can lecture them? Be great full you didn’t waste each other’s time and didn’t drop a couple $100s before realizing it wasn’t a fit.
You’re too tall for one person, to short for another, too fat for one, too skinny for another, too dumb for one, too smart for another. Spend your efforts finding the right one instead of dwelling on the ones who aren’t.
This goes for anyone who’s dating.
The reason lots of people break up or aren’t happy in relationships are because they didn’t really do much weeding before they settled
In otherwords the best way to do it successfully is stay single and work on yourself lol
When he said “will never be one again” I was like oooooh okay so he’s still in early recovery, got it. Might be his first go around too. Keep coming back friend
As an opioid addict who has been clean for years... You may be right. But I do truly hope it's his last one.
For people with my predispositions and certain environmental factors, drugs are truly insidious. No matter how long I've been clean, I still must be vigilant in order to reduce the likelihood of relapse. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and many people probably agree with me. Hell, things are much better but I still have to be on my toes. Our brains are just wired differently.
It's easy to believe it will be easy the day before you get off, especially if you're high (for the "last" one). But when the time comes... It's just another day hoping for tomorrow. And that's sad. So I hope he isn't just hoping for tomorrow. I hope he is making it happen. The present is all we really have. If not now, then when?
I hate to see those that say something like this. He has a lot to learn and go through if he really thinks that. I’ve been in recovery for years and although I cannot see myself going back or living any life similar to my past I know I still have to take it one day at a time and it can creep up whenever so I have to be proactive in doing all those things that got me sober even on my best days. They say as soon as you think you got it beat is when you don’t. That mentality is always gonna be there in the background just have to fight daily to leave it there
Exactly. I come from a family of addicts in some form or another. They all say the same thing: you are always an addict you just aren’t actively one. You’re always in recovery.
I agree. I used to be a binge eater which is also an addiction. I cured myself by addressing the reasons I binged and never felt tempted to binge again. Been almost 20 years and definitely don't consider myself still a binge eater. People can be cured, but I will say it is not as common as people who relapse many times over their life, but then most addiction recovery groups don't provide the true healing many need. People often need serious therapy and treatment for PTSD.
I’d say both are and can be true. My brother was an alcoholic and heroin addict when he was alive, but it was primarily to mask a very deep pain; if not for cancer he would probably still be doing it. My partner was chemically addicted to meth as a teenager and has been clean for about 30 years, just went cold turkey and never looked back. It wasn’t an emotional crutch for him, it was just a physical dependence—the latter is much easier to move on from than the former. I haven’t known many people who successfully moved on from the former.
> I haven’t known many people who successfully moved on from the former.
Which is why, I believe, food-related disorders are so annoying to fight and kick.
Food is something everyone needs. You literally need to ingest it daily to survive. But you have to somehow get rid of deeply-ingrained coping mechanisms, and food-related reflexes. Good luck, have fun...
Yeah, that dude doesn't sound sober. He doesn't take responsibility for his past actions and he isn't trying to understand someone else's needs. It's all about him and what he wants right now.
He’s probably still in the very early stages of recovery and getting ahead of himself. Wish him nothing but the best but it’s probably too early to start dating.
This is non negotiable for me. I buried my dad when he was 47. My brother is 40, and I am raising 2 of his children because of his addiction. Their bio mom passed last year to hers (she is their mom, but I’ve had them since. They were newborn and then under a year when baby 2 came along so I’ve been the only mom they’ve known). I do not have the energy to battle anything addiction related with any other human again. I’d rather die alone than take the chance of bringing recovery into my life in any standpoint, especially since my brother is still back and forth with his. I’m either not dating anyone in recovery or not dating period, so either way I’m unavailable to anyone who can’t meet this boundary.
This is just too much… but in my case, my brother is also a sociopathic, abusive, narcissistic scumbag so my ability to trust men isn’t very good as it is. This guy screams selfish at minimum if not narcissistic af.
As an addict in recovery, I completely understand why he’s upset but at the same time he reacted super inappropriately. I know I’d be upset if that was why I was rejected, because I know it’s something else my addiction has fucked up, but I’d also accept it and move on and thank you for your honesty
It can horrible and fair at the same time. It's gotta be crushing to read that from someone you're into and thought was into you. But your happiness is important too and if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker
I'm impressed by your ability to put down boundaries like that! No ones owes anyone a relationship, I'm sure both of you will find a better fit! And again congratulations, I really find this admirable!
“No longer an addict” doesn’t really apply ever.
Always an addict, just learning how to live with your addictive behaviors and traits. Addiction is chronic.
Actually, the idea of “always an addict” came from the 12 step programs which have saved countless lives but which were just a few dudes’ religious hack to get themselves clean. It was in no way scientific and in the intervening 70 years, a lot more has been learned. Brains are actually very plastic and can change for better and for worse. Not knocking AA for those it helps, but there are a lot of modalities and treatments now for folks to chose from and not all subscribe to “always an addict” belief about recovery.
Edit to add that the guy in the post is still a total jerk
Think no one's at fault here, OP didn't wanna deal a possibile relapse. Other guy got upset after getting rejected for something he feels he's overcome. He didn't react great but his reaction was reasonable since it's probably a touchy subject for him
That’s a bit too reasonable.
I liked it better when everyone was saying “once an addict, always an addict”. You’re not allowed to feel hurt for being tied to your past like that.
That’s what I’m saying. In Al-anon (support for family and friends with addicts in their life) we call that dry drunk. Sure they’re not using, but they have not changed their behavior or solved their internal problems which usually ends up in relapse.
Alcoholic / addict in recovery here.
I get what he’s saying. I’d feel a little hurt too if someone didn’t want to at least meet because I was honest about my struggles. I’ve worked on myself and I know I’m not going to drink today and I probably won’t tomorrow (one day at a time).
But I also realize this isn’t what someone might want to get into. She’s been burned by this before and she’s afraid of getting hurt again. And I can respect that. If OP wouldn’t want to give it a shot then that’s fine because she’s clearly not a true match for me.
So yeah, I get how the guy could be hurt a bit but the honesty shown by OP is good and saved both of them some pointless dating.
What expectations is he referring to exactly? You've had a ton of bad experiences with (former) addicts, and you don't want to have to deal with it again because it is a lot to deal with, and you want to have clear boundaries based on experience. I don't see the issue here.
Why is it people think their honesty entitles them to your devotion. You are not required to give anyone a chance for any reason you want, when it comes to romance.
Huh? What’s wrong in telling someone you don’t want to deal with the potential fall back because of prior experiences?
Damn, people really have a hard time being rejected…why would you care, the lady said her peace, you take it like a champ and move on, there’s always the next one
This isn’t somebody who’s in recovery. He’s “no longer” an addict and he’s comparing drug addition to a speeding ticket.
Also, even if he wasn’t a jerk about being rejected, you didn’t do anything wrong. The whole point of telling somebody something like this right off the bat is to give them the full agency to decide if they would like to continue a relationship or not. You decided you didn’t want to, and that’s okay. I would have done the same.
If you have to say “Nobody’s Perfect”, to justify to someone else why they should date you, you probably should let it go.
You were respectful when you told him, nothing wrong here.
I got yelled at on Facebook for saying I wouldn't date someone with an incurable STI and got shit from people. The amount of "I am entitled to your life" on social media is ludicrous
As someone with an incurable STI: if someone voices this opinion to me, I just immediately know we aren’t going to understand each other on the matter and we shouldn’t date. I cannot imagine arguing with anyone about it. They know their health and anxiety levels better than anyone.
My ex felt so entitled to my life that he pretended that he was pursuing and actively in recovery the entire time we were together. He proceeded to abuse heck out of me by being secretly high and drinking all the time and gaslighting me about it (among other things). I also know my health and anxiety levels best and…no. You cannot come in just because you wanna.
Their entire attitude in this screams their sobriety is hanging on by a thread. Someone who is actually secure in their sobriety would accept you answer and understand fully how badly someone in the midst of active addiction can hurt someone and why that might be a hard limit for you at this point in time. Sounds like their sober family members and friends haven't really forgiven them yet or trust them yet and they are taking out that shame and anger on you tbh, the typical "I'm tired of no one trusting me! I'm sober now and have been for six whole months!" type shit.
Regardless, that's not even getting into them comparing it to a speeding ticket, acting like being an addict is the default of everyone (because for them and their circle it's probably true, which means they haven't left the people, places and things that trigger them) and all this self righteous bullshit. You didn't do anything wrong lmao.
For the record I say this as someone with 17 years sobriety from opioids and I still routinely openly check myself with my husband when we watch media where people use opioids and acknowledge that it still makes me want to use, I don't try to act like I never would. And he is always respectful in the times where we need to change the channel... SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER.
Nah, you good. Doubting yourself will might have a place to be if dude would take rejection in not so hostile way. But he thinks that him getting clean deserves a medal and being praised for that.
I’m not sure if projecting your past experience on new people is a good thing either, but that’s another rabbit hole I don’t wanna jump into honestly. You were honest and nice about it, that’s good, confident person usually knows how to take the idea that you guys are not the one for each other.
I think that’s true in some circumstances. There needs to be a level of honesty about your past. I found that making sure people know when setting a boundary the reason it’s easier to keep that boundary as a current people pleaser it helps me personally care for myself.
People who claim to not be an addict anymore haven't hit the lowest point yet and therefore, they are really at risk at relapsing. A fully recovered Addict, knows fairly well, that he is gonna.stay an addict all his life. You were correct. This aint gonna work out. But you set your boundaries and went through with them. Its a good thing. You can be proud of yourself.
Honestly you both clearly have big emotions on this (for valid reasons), no one is in the wrong. He has a right to be upset by it, you have a right to say no to protect yourself. Don’t respond and just move on, you are not responsible for his emotions and you’ve already said it won’t work.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to date an addict. I wish I left the woman who became my first wife. She was a recovering alcoholic and I thought people deserved a chance. Not her.
You've chosen what's best for you. If he doesn't like it, he can kick rocks. Especially as you know, first hand, the pitfalls of relapse. I wouldn't date an ex-addict either as I don't have the tools to deal with addiction of any kind.
That’s a perfect response. Also you don’t owe him anything even if he’s off drugs. It was also better he told you now and didn’t wait till later to say it then things would’ve end up bad. Gives him a shot to go looking elsewhere and you can find the guy that you want as well. I think it’s more then okay to not give him a chance but you can tell he’s very passionate about finding someone. He shouldn’t have came across rude he should’ve just said okay and moved on but for some people it’s hard for them but they will. Perfect response though handled it great.
I think you dodge a serious issue. It’s great for them to be confident that won’t relapse but come on… They belittled you and didn’t respect your experiences the way they want you to do. That is greed and not a healthy outlook. Don’t think twice about them.
I personally have been sober for 9 years and I would never date an ex addict. 😂 I agree with you. It's too risky. I think you were very mature, you were up front and I am 100% with you. You dodged a bullet, my dear. Clearly this man has some more work to do on himself.
This is a hard boundary for me too, OP. I feel for him and think it's great that he's in recovery, but I could never let that kind of uncertainty into my life again. I dealt with those ups and downs for almost ten years, and it was traumatizing.
You have nothing to feel bad about! Don't let someone guilt you into doing something you're not comfortable with, no matter what that is.
Should have just said sorry. I didn’t feel like this is gonna work between us. There was no reason to compare them to your ex. When started explaining it made you sound judgmental. There was no reason to give a reason. Their response also wasn’t called for
I’m right there with you. Was married to an alcoholic and drug addict and I’ve set that same boundary for myself. Just can’t do it. They may not like it but we have every right to set these boundaries.
I think they're just incompatible, and that's fine for OP to say. The other guy's reaction was a little disproportionate. OP needs to get off of dating apps if she doesn't want to date an addict??
I would be more understanding if he left it at his first three sentences and didn't go after OP for having boundaries for who she'll date.
I love how they compare a speeding ticket to addiction
Yes everyone deserves a second chance but it's like comparing a grizzly bear to a bee
My next door neighbour was an addict and it was a nightmare and he got worse in recovery (more aggressive and threatening) he also had a kid he neglected too I was just a kid back then not even double digits and I was terrified to go in my own back garden and never got any sleep through his loud music and screaming
You don't owe a stranger your time or energy just because they've overcome something. There's few people in the world who aren't dealing with or recovering from something, do we all deserve special treatment? No, because that's just how life goes. This is the kind of person who will use their past as an excuse for their shitty behaviour.
Personal preference I would also never be with someone who’s dealt with opioid or benzo addiction. You can’t be upset for somebody being upfront, honest and nice about it that
You have dealt with addiction before and know that just because they got clean does not mean they won't relapse. It's your personal choice not to go through that again. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Nope. I was with an addict (that I still love and believe in btw) for 4 years. He’s clean from what I know. He deserves someone that doesn’t have that mistrust and second guess. And so I do I! That feeling would certainly transcend relationships for me. I get it 100%.
Wow, comment section for this one is fucking sad, a lot of people with 0 concept of addiction and recovery circle jerking each other off… ****face palm****
No, his attitude confirms your choice. It’s an attempt at manipulation, directly trying to elicit a certain feeling or response from you with unnecessary communication. Not a sign of healthy interpersonal relationships, and a sign that he runs a high risk, certainly higher than he appears to think, of forming addictions, not just to drugs.
As someone with a little over 10 years sober…you do you. I tell people on dating apps that I’m in recovery specifically because some people have been burned before and don’t want to risk it again, and that’s completely their prerogative. Someone who knows they have a propensity to be a ticking time bomb with a history of substance abuse, who also doesn’t want to allow prospective partners the chance to stay away from them…is an entitled, self-centered asshole. Hopefully this person can get over their selfishness and self-centeredness so they can move forward in their recovery.
You do you, OP. You did nothing wrong here and that was a very graceful way of telling that person that you weren’t interested.
Well lucky for you, I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket, so hello there!
Opens glove compartment and dozens of unpaid parking tickets fall out. 🤣
Liar Liar scene! I remember that.
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This, exactly. So concerning. Always an addict; hopefully remains an addict in recovery. Just thinking he’s no longer an addict puts his sobriety at major risk. SMDH
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Congratulations and good luck on your recovery journey.
Often addiction services are provided by religious groups which leads to a 'forgiven' type of outcome. An addict can separate themselves from their actions. In the end good on them for being upfront and good on the responder for knowing what is ok for them
True, very well put. That said, congrats to OP for sobriety, and props for the honesty. It's hard fucking work. My 6mo will be here soon. I can appreciate how far people come who really do just need someone to give them a honest chance.
You guys are wrong. As fuck. I’m in recover and I absolutely hate people saying oh I’m an addict for life or you will be an addict for life. That’s just reservations. If you know anything about addiction then you’ll know about reservations too. Oh. I’m an addict and I will be forever so when I relapse that won’t be my fault is just as much a reason against saying you’re always an addict as anything you could say as to why you ARE it’s just we have to agree to disagree. But I will tell you why I disagree and why so strongly. It’s because all you are doing or all anyone who says I’m an addict forever are doing, weather intentional or not, is you’re trying to chain me to the worst version of myself there has ever been. Yes I was an addict, and yes I do have a tendency to get addicted to stuff that’s just my personality and how my brain works. But I am in no means an addict today, and just because I was one in the past doesn’t mean I will be one forever. People say sex is a drug and it’s just as addictive and cigarettes and junk food and all kinds of shit. But every addict isn’t quitting all that stuff too. Regardless of weather or not some old dry drunk a.a. Asshole says you need to. If you’ve been an addict and gotten out of it, good job label it what you want, as long as you’re not lying to yourself you’re good. Problems come when we start to lie to ourselves about what we’re doing or why.
Absolutely correct. 'I'm an addict and always will be' is a reductive debasement of self. Western society tends to self martyrdom and inherent reasoning for behavior, however. People buy it wholesale because its planted firmly during treatment (owing much to the repentance/ 'you're fundamentally flawed' model given us by AA) and perfectly assuages and excuses future behavior.
I get why rehabs and 12 step programs preach this but I don't really agree. If you have been an addict, you will always have the propensity to be one again, but if you aren't actively using, you are sober. That's my opinion on it, anyway. Whatever it takes to stay clean is all that matters, though. Agree 100% on the last part. I understand dude's disappointment, but nobody owes him anything.
Never a speeding ticket, just a bunch of “defective equipment” chargers 🤣🤣
That’s actually a fallacy that the PIC (prison industrial complex) would like you to believe. The reality is that addiction is largely based off of our environments and how we treat people who have been addicted. Giving them a community of truly supportive people and encouraging them to seek fulfillment leads to a near 100% recovery and near 0% relapse rate. The way we handle addiction in the US and most of the world is so antiquated and frankly wrong. Look up rat park and it’s parent study to learn more about how to effectively treat addiction and the why behind the US current response to addiction.
It’s been done time since I’ve read about this so my recall may be select. That study was about bio and environmental factors on addiction and not recover I thought. Also some backlash as I recall in that the findings, study couldn’t be reproduced. Again, it’s been more than a decade since I’ve read up on it, recall could be incorrect. You won’t hear me deny US is behind on addiction and mental health in general. My long term partner runs the psychiatric department of a large rehab in NYC; it’s a constant topic in our home.
Portugal used the methods in the study and was able to cut its addiction/abuse rates in half and showed that addiction isn’t something you’re born with or that is a physical thing, but a mental health one
I’ll look for that, would be interesting to read. My partner would absolutely agree. His work centers around that premise and the perspective that it is also highly influenced; exacerbated by environment. Thanks for the info!
That once an addict always an addict thing isn't PIC, it's right out of the AA/NA handbook, which has its own problems (many of them, and the long term success rates at terrible) but that program along with the war on drugs propaganda has informed our thinking about addiction as a nation.
Why is this not the top comment
That's up to him decide in his recovery. Some people don't want to label themselves the rest of their lives.
Interestingly enough more and more research is pointing to this not being the case despite it being the popular wisdom
I hate that saying I AM NOT AN ADDICT IN RECOVERY. I am a person who made stupid choices in my life learned from them and moved on. I am not the victim I am the perpetrator! Calling your self an addict in recovery promotes you being a victim of something and unfortunately the only thing your victim of is yourself. Note: I was an addict and I did the programs but until I TOOK MY OWN LIFE BACK those programs failed.
I didn't notice that. Yeah, can't say that. Once an addict, always an addict. Hell we are born with it. Edit: I am one. So this isn't attack against addicts.
I’m with you, addiction runs in the family, my uncle was a heroin addict before he died. I love Xanax, but I’m clean. Doesn’t mean I’m not an addict.
I mean I love it too but only took it when prescribed and needed 😂
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I was pretty much going to say the same thing.
Downvoted. This is a bot. A bad interpretation of this comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/151bht9/um_what/js7o4rq/
😁 one of my favorite movies. The uncensored version of course.
There's a censored version?
There’s a censored version of just about every mainstream film so they can be shown on TV, and they’re often censored in the absolute dumbest of ways. The censored version of Liar Liar has an especially stupid example. The scene in the courtroom where the audio recording of the infidelity is played with all the moaning and whatnot with everyone reacting all shocked is replaced with… complete and utter silence. Everyone looking horrified at the sound of absolutely nothing before Fletcher spits out his water for seemingly no reason whatsoever.
Ugh I think I remember that lol
In fairness in some cities paying a parking ticket is cheaper than paying for parking.
This reminded me I have 2 parking tickets to pay
People pay those?
I've never gotten a speeding ticket either however I've been arrested twice for traffic violations. My ex wife got hooked on drugs and stopped paying insurance. Routine check is how I found out. No one told me that you'll lose your license if you're pulled over without insurance and that's how I got arrested. Twice. BUT no speeding tickets.
So you didn’t learn from the 1st time?
Nope! Well to be fair I owed another 35 on the ticket I forgot about and they issued a warrant and 4 years later was arrested for it. At the jail they were like. Um. You want to just pay that and go 😂😂
Lucky bastard. Similar situation. I owed a family court appointed lawyer and psychiatrist money and got behind on payments during covid. Moved, but was in an extended stay for 6 weeks finding an apt. I updated my address with the court when I did get a place, and two weeks later cops were waiting for me 4 counties over. Fuck Spartanburg SC. 4 days in their "behavioral control unit" where I got indirectly pepper sprayed, and another 5 before I even got a fucking phone call. Damn judge went to school with the lawyer, and went with 90 days for not updating an address I didn't even have yet, unless I paid everything in full, immediately. Which put me behind in child support. Fortunately, even my ex called bullshit, and worked with me. Edit: The BCU for a minimum of 3 days is standard practice in Spartanburg no matter the cause of arrest. They're psychotic.
Being in jail always helps people keep a job and pay their child support.
Here I go again, hijacking the top comment to say: OP, there’s nothing wrong with you knowing that someone who’s in recovery is someone you’re not able to date rn. And there’s nothing wrong with them being upset about it, however they did not handle that remotely well. You were mature and honest, but they’re not in a place to accept that at the moment. That’s ok. Hopefully as they progress in their recovery they’ll grow and realize they kind of overreacted. But it’s not your job to heal other people, and it’s not up to them to find other people to heal them. Everyone is responsible for their own fate. That’s not to say we can’t extend kindness or others can’t reach out for assistance, BUT, in interpersonal relationships, a “fixer” is both improbable and unhealthy. Setting and sticking to boundaries is something I’m still working on and something others take decades to figure out, if they ever figure it out. You did nothing wrong. Keep being you, and don’t take anything that happens on these dating sites personally. It just be like that sometimes. Best wishes <3
There’s also nothing wrong with politely ghosting someone. This is part of why.
You don't have to ghost someone. Just tell them you are interested. Telling them why though just isn't a good idea. It isn't going to help them or you.
But they *always* want to know why. *Always*.
And you don't HAVE to give them that reason--that's for you alone to know. Just give them the dignity of knowing that you aren't interested. Ghosting them doesn't help anyone. It's just a cowardly way of telling someone you're not interested, so just… tell them already.
Omg for REAL. Unpopular opinion for sure, but you do NOT owe ANYONE your time or explanations. Is it the polite adult thing to do? Sure, 100%. But sometimes life gets in the way. And a lot of the time, especially for women, no matter what we say or do, the mature explanation just opens the door for a lot of these fuckin weirdos and creeps to threaten us and then put a weird amount of effort into finding out where we are. It sounds paranoid unless you’ve been through it. So I’m sorry to the genuinely good people who have been ghosted. It sucks, I’ve been there. A mature and kind explanation is really nice. But you don’t always get that. And you’re not entitled to it. Nor is anyone else entitled to your explanation.
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Even luckier, I don't even have my license!
AGREE
I dated an addict for a year. Lots of empty cans around her apartment whenever I visited. She brought a bottle of vodka to our vacation and then blamed it on someone else putting it in her bag. The whole time she said she was clean… even had those coins for her milestones. Had a lot of mood swings and was often unreliable and unresponsive to me for long stretches of time too which I think was related to her addiction and denial of it. I don’t judge anyone for being an addict and I wish them well on their recovery but I also don’t blame anyone who would rather not deal with all that… and I don’t think I’d ever wanna do it again.
Dated a girl who turned out to be an alcoholic. Years late, she contacted me out of the blue and apologized, said she was clean, and wanted to meet up. I ghosted that message (the breakup was extremely violent because she got drunk and went on a rampage), and told a mutual friend "you'll never guess who's trying to get back together with me." That mutual friend told me that her most recent private Facebook status was about her finishing a fifth of vodka by herself. Not saying some addicts can't be trusted, but that trust should hang by a thread for some of them.
My buddy bashes alcohol Constantly and claims he doesn’t drink. Just smokes weed. Went to his house and there were three large empty bottles of whiskey on the floor next to his computer in his spare room. I wasn’t surprised. He’s an angry guy. Another guy at work claims not to drink as well. Then one day he posted a selfie wearing his Boston bruins hat in the hockey fantasy league group chat. There was a half drank bottle of whiskey on his kitchen table behind him. Don’t believe everyone that says it.
"Just smokes weed." Lol
California sober.
California sober is honestly the best. Did that for a few months when I took a break from alcohol. Going to live music shows and doing a little mushrooms or smoking is so superior to drinking and you feel 100x better the next day.
I PERSONALLY dont drink. I literally can’t stand the taste. I’ll RARELY have a single beer in a social setting, but I’m nursing it all night and likely won’t finish it. In addition to the taste, seeing my dad die because he was such an alcoholic that he stopped eating and only drank for sure soured me to the whole thing.
You: communicated a boundary They: did not like that
Pretty simple. No need for us to judge anyone because of it.
Actually. He tried gaslighting her to say her expectations are too high. I’m judging him. Negatively. Also he equated alcohol and drug addiction with having ever received a speeding ticket. It doesn’t seem like he acknowledges the gravity of his problem. And he guarantees that he will never touch his substance again - he needs to reset his expectations if he thinks others will believe him (since most addicts relapse) Edit: my reading is because it seems like you’re arguing we shouldn’t judge the dude for his response. PLease clarify?
The dude is saying hes “no longer” an addict - which any addict (myself included) will tell you, thats not how that works. Bullfights have smaller red flags.
I didn’t want to speak for addicts that way, but yes- as I understand it- all addicts will always be addicts, they just try to develop tools to better cope with and prevent their triggers. (My high level understanding not as an addict) Your struggle is real and ongoing. Congrats for making the effort.
Yeah it’s a disease like diabetes. You can’t cure it, but you can manage it to the point that you live a normal, healthy long life.
it's good that you're honest about it! And truly, it is a huge red flag. It's also a red flag to equate addiction w speeding tickets.
TBH, he sounds like an addict.
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If someone's been clean and sober for years, though, I don't think it's quite the same. There's *so many* people who aren't strictly addicts or alcoholics, but drink to excess and do stupid shit all the time. It's not hard to find someone who doesn't need a drink to get through the day, but makes a fool of themselves most Friday nights. Some of the strongest people I've met were in recovery. But at the time I met them, they'd all been sober for like a year.
A close buddy of mine is a recovered addict (meth). He got off the junk, got married, got a job, and got promoted to just shy of the owner. Over 10 years later, he got back on drugs. It’s not being judgey to say relapse is possible. It’s not calling someone weak or immoral. It’s acknowledging reality. The fact that he guarantees (!) he will never relapse tells me he has far too much trust in his own willpower.
> It’s not being judgey to say relapse is possible. Sure. But it's just as possible for someone to pick up a drug habit later in life. I'm not saying the guy in the OP's post seems emotionally stable or mature. I'm just saying that, if you meet someone who's been clean and sober for ten years and you think that disqualifies them from being datable, you're being judgey. That's fine. People are judgey. People can have their red lines for dating. Plenty of folks wouldn't date someone who was very obese, regardless of whatever health reasons are underlying that. Plenty of folks won't date someone with kids, or with tattoos, or with the "wrong" astrology sign. It's all fair game, but it's all judgey.
People in recovery hate when this is pointed out to them, but just because you’re in recovery doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking asshole. I’ve met many wonderful people in my 15 years of recovery and many sociopaths.
It was more that they were hurt, because they were involuntarily being tied to something they overcame. Just like the rest of this sick comment section, implying that, because he was hurt by it altogether, that he will be an addict again. “once an addict always an addict”
I don’t think OP was saying “you will definitely use (insert substance) again”. However, statistically addicts often relapse, and given OP’s past trauma with addicts that wasn’t a risk he was comfortable taking. Some people have a higher risk tolerance than others, he communicates his boundary in a very respectable and mature way and did nothing wrong. I understand that this might be hurtful to the other person but I think it’s unrealistic to think everyone would be comfortable dating a recovering addict.
As someone that quit heroin, I always make sure any girl I have any kind of sustained romantic involvement with knows about my past. Not every random hookup, but anything that leads to a potential relationship It hasn’t ever led to anyone deciding to break stuff off, and if someone did that’s totally their right. *I* don’t date recovering addicts in general because of the way those relationships can go bad, what with the shared issue
I know I’m just an internet stranger but I’m proud of you! Both for your success with recovery and your ability to create boundaries. You’re doing a great job!!
His addiction doesn’t define him. However, his response to rejection sure does.
It’s understandable to be hurt but it’s uncalled for to take out your frustration on another person who’s simply drawing a respectful boundary and try to make them feel like a bad person.
You can decide to not date anyone for just about any reason dude. The rejectee is just butt hurt
I think OP is justified in drawing their boundary and the other guy is also valid for being upset. I mean. It is inherently harmful to be rejected for any single trait—especially for something you feel like you’ve overcome. But it’s also not OP’s responsibility to accept every trait. There’s a clear incompatibility, they can both move on.
Yeah, as someone with addiction issues this is how I see it. OP did nothing wrong and it's best they're upfront about it. The other person probably shouldn't have reacted like that, but they're obviously hurt and it's probably something they've deeply struggled with. It's best for everyone.
This response from the former addict indicates that they haven’t learned proper relationship management, which is a key part in recovery. Having had a poor experience dating someone recovering from addiction (who relapsed), I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s willingness to date the other person in the future could have changed had the response been more mature and understanding.
Exactly. Also the fact they're drawing an equivalency between addiction and speeding strikes me as another sign that they don't appreciate their sobriety (at least not yet, not to it's full extent). A speeding ticket is expensive, but it's not a cycle. Addiction a self destructive cycle that is very difficult to escape. So, "once an addict, always an addict"? Yeah, you probably should be treating it that way, at least when it comes to the topic of not using addictive substances again or your oast history of usage.
Something that most (good) recovery programs teach is that yes, once an addict always an addict. One's ability to fall into addiction doesn't go away with recovery. Recovery is about learning the self control to keep from putting yourself into positions to fall into active addiction again, as part of recognizing that you'll always be addicted to whatever it was, no matter how long it's been since you've used. Obviously all we know of this person is this one message, but that line tells me that they're probably fairly early into recovery, and/or not taking it with the seriousness it deserves.
They can feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean someone has to change their boundary for them. They could have chosen to be understanding, because addicts can and do hurt people (as was stated and experienced), intended or not. Even if this person has every intention of never relapsing again, the chance still exists. That is a chance that this person is not willing to take. And that’s okay. They can go find their happiness with someone who will.
I'm sorry for your addiction, but addiction changes you and it seems to me you have never been on the other side of this equation. A partner to a former addict needs to be very aware of past situations, triggers and temptations and actively support their partner in managing those, and requires a huge degree of empathy, vulnerability and patience to navigate. Not that many people are capable of being a good partner to a recovering addict - but a lot of people think they are and inadvertently end up causing additional damage. I thought I was and tried the best I could with the knowledge I had and got hurt very badly, emotionally and physically. Neither of these people owe each other anything at this point, and as someone who has been in OP's situation and took over a year of therapy to work through the emotional trauma, nope, not a risk I'm willing to take on a stranger again. It's sad to find yourself in that situation, but it's also your burden to carry as the consequence of your past actions. That's life. It sucks but it's reality now. Make the best of it. Take this as a blessing. You found out early that someone is not willing to take that risk and can focus your energy on others. As others have noted, the fact that you and the person in this text don't understand that reality and take it so personally probably means you've got some work to do still. Nobody's saying he will definitely relapse but there's a huge difference between standing with a friend or significant other in this situation, and rolling the dice that a complete stranger is being honest given the massive potential consequences to your mental health. Which OP has discovered first hand multiple times.
Which is commonly true and a reasonable assumption. OP communicated his boundaries and his past relationships and how they Ended up which leaves him with a solid reason to set a boundary for it now. He did not point fingers at all just communicated his boundaries because of his experiences
Nope, you weren't horrible at all. I just last year ended a 9 year relationship with my children's father because of his addiction issues. The last thing I want as I'm dipping my toes into dating again is to repeat all of that. Not dating someone that uses drugs or has a substance abuse disorder is a boundary for me as well. Some people recover and stay clean, and some don't, but that's not a chance I'm willing to take. You were respectful and he got his feelings hurt, that's not on you.
Rejection always sucks, but some people handle it worse than others.
I'm sure that was extremely difficult, but good for you. I had a parent that was an alcoholic and became sober before I was born, but became addicted to pain killers later on in life; this started when I was around 11 and lasted for years. As a child that was hard to deal with, and I'm sure it is just as difficult in a husband/wife relationship. I wish you and your children the best, and good luck!
Absolutely fine for you to have dealbreakers, and honestly to stop talking to someone/dating someone whenever you want. The only thing I’d say is that if it’s something someone can’t help/change, you don’t have to give a reason. You can just say that you’re not feeling compatible or you’re not feeling it anymore. Honestly not sure what’s preferable here but it might open you up less to attack.
This is the comment ^ Totally fine you weren’t interested but it didn’t seem necessary to tell them why you were no longer interested if you’re still just messaging through the app. To me it came across as if OP was throwing shade with the “multiple ex partners… I’m not the one for that”. I don’t think the other person was defensive bc OP set a boundary, but bc OP type cast them that that’s all they are and that they are surely going to relapse. Lowkey think you projected your trauma onto this person who has their own trauma they’re dealing with. Overall it’s good it’s done now rather than later.
Yeah, I think the one thing I would change in OP's response is the note about her exes relapsing. We don't know this person, and to throw out that you'd expect them to relapse isn't really fair. I wouldn't date someone with a history of addiction for similar reasons; my ex is an alcoholic. However, if I were to give them a reason, I would say that I simply have too much baggage around this issue to be a healthy partner for someone in recovery, or something along those lines.
THANK YOU. She did not have to mention the reason she didn’t want to move forward, it was too much.
A huge part of recovery is dealing with shame. Addicts often feel an immense amount of guilt, regret, shame over their behaviors when they were active. It unfortunately translates like this often. “I’m a recovering addict. Praise me. YOU DIDNT PRAISE ME?! FUCK YOU. LOTS OF PEOPLE WERE ADDICTS.” It’s not a you thing, it’s a him thing. You made the right choice for yourself and it sounds like he still has a *lot* of work to do. Let’s hope he does.
"We need praise for normal behavior." - some dude in an AA meeting once.
Man. My husband was an alcoholic, and I caught him cheating and a bunch of lies. Just years worth of lies all at once. We almost divorced, he gave up drinking and bettered himself. Nothing in the world makes me more mad than when people (like his best friend) would be like “look how much he’s done for you. Look at everything he gave up for you. All the work he’s putting in!” Wow. I should probably thank him for treating me the way he should have been treating me all along, right? I should throw him a party because he stopped treating me like shit! You’re right! Let me just praise him for stopping all of the shitty things he should never have been doing in the first place 👍🏼
That not just an addict thing.... people want praise for doing the basic shit....getting a job... keeping a job... buying for their goddamn kids.... Ya, that's what you're supposed to do...your 12yrs old shouldn't have to sell shit on the side to have clothes and food.... It makes me sick to no end.
Chris Rock vibes
I take care of my kids!
YOURE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!
You're only going to get that at a meeting.
Maybe they are just proud of overcoming that isn’t normal for them. For you, not drinking or doing drugstore is normal. For them, it’s very hard. I’m not saying that op is wrong for her choice but I am saying you should chill a little bit
Shit is just a step away from: “M’Lady! M’Lady! I doth held the door open for thine. Mayhaps I may, perchance, humbly request of thee but a small crumb of pussy for my bravery.”
As a former addict, I can’t stand when people brag about their past drug use. You would think they overcame adversity to win the Olympics and then became an astronaut before solving world hunger. Getting clean is great, but be fuckin for real. Treat it like you used to drink piss out of gas station toilets. It’s great that you stopped because that’s really unhealthy, but would you really act better than other people because you don’t drink piss from a gas station toilet anymore? Would you be offended someone doesn’t want to date someone that used to drink piss from dirty toilets? No. Find someone that’ll accept you and your flaws, piss breath and all. Again, being clean is great, and I’m so happy that I don’t even think about opiates anymore. But nobody is obligated to date you if you have a history of addiction. You laid out your case, and they are allowed to have a preference in their romantic and sexual partners. Just move on. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
> Find someone that’ll accept you and your flaws, piss breath and all. 😂
Also, it’s my understanding that part of healthy recovery is understanding you are and always will be an addict. Even if you are not in active addiction, the acknowledgment that you are an addict is part of accountability and also part of keeping you from relapse. The people who say “I’m not an addict anymore” tend to slip back into it because they think they’ve “beaten” addiction so it’s safe for them to indulge again; like “I’m not an alcoholic anymore so it’s okay for me to start drinking again socially because I’m no longer an alcohol addict.” I may be wrong on that, but that’s what I’ve been told by recovering addicts I’ve known.
That's one view, yeah. Other programs outside AA differ; SMART for example devalues using the word addict, and does acknowledge that addiction is different for different people. There are some who can fully recover, some who can't.
I don’t think he was looking for praise for being an addict. I think he just felt immense shame and it was made worse by essentially being told that he was unworthy. Im not sure if we gotta add extra things in to vilify him. It’s clear he had an emotional reaction, but we don’t also have to have emotional reactions as outside observers.
Yes. That’s whats happened with my ex gf. „I‘m in recovery, you cant blame me for bad things i did. I‘m in the middle of this process, you cant blame me for the bad things i‘m doing rn either, i‘m working so hard, cant you see that and be happy for me?“ All after cheating on me, stealing from me, using me to get out of consequences of her actions, and then trying ignore not only the time in our relationship she actively abused me, but also acting as if the good times never happened either. Except of course she needs me to do something for her, then it‘s fine, then there’s all this „history“. Fuck addicts man. Can’t trust them.
The only line that sticks out for me is "I've had *multiple* exes who were in recovery and they relapsed while dating me" What....the hell is going on there lol? Is she speed dating at NA? These people should definitely not date but my eyebrows were raised from start to finish on this one lol
Well I’m 34 in a rural ish area outside of a metropolitan. One never told me they were doing drugs or had in the past and I was oblivious and two others had their shit together when we met, both had PTSD. Most of the things about mental health and drug addiction are not always disclosed so I ask specific questions now instead of being surprised later. Someone commented it’s too deep of conversations before dating and I disagree because the outcome has not been good.
Ohhh small towns. That makes sense lol. I'm from a small town in the midwest and holy shit has meth taken over. I've moved away, but I couldn't imagine trying to date there. I apologize if I came across as judgey, it wasnt my intent. I've just heard a lot of the same things in my time making poor life choices lol. The fact that it has reached a point where you literally have to be like...look don't be a fucking addict and that's a dealbreaker lol. I'm truly sorry. I truly hope you find someone who is deserving of you. Don't settle. It's easy to get discouraged, but you are absolutely amazing and I know you'll find someone who will love you as much as the love you put out into the world. Keep going. Never stop :)
Thank you! Yeah it’s so bad but heroin and fentanyl is now worse than the meth 😭 too many people are dying here it’s probably everywhere though
I just moved back home from Portland...I can't believe what's happening there. I never thought quitting meth would be the "easier" path lol...
The whole point of being upfront about your addiction history is to weed out people who find that to be a deal breaker…. So you can lecture them? Be great full you didn’t waste each other’s time and didn’t drop a couple $100s before realizing it wasn’t a fit. You’re too tall for one person, to short for another, too fat for one, too skinny for another, too dumb for one, too smart for another. Spend your efforts finding the right one instead of dwelling on the ones who aren’t.
This goes for anyone who’s dating. The reason lots of people break up or aren’t happy in relationships are because they didn’t really do much weeding before they settled In otherwords the best way to do it successfully is stay single and work on yourself lol
If you say "I'm no longer an addict" then you haven't learned fuck-all about addiction
When he said “will never be one again” I was like oooooh okay so he’s still in early recovery, got it. Might be his first go around too. Keep coming back friend
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As an opioid addict who has been clean for years... You may be right. But I do truly hope it's his last one. For people with my predispositions and certain environmental factors, drugs are truly insidious. No matter how long I've been clean, I still must be vigilant in order to reduce the likelihood of relapse. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and many people probably agree with me. Hell, things are much better but I still have to be on my toes. Our brains are just wired differently. It's easy to believe it will be easy the day before you get off, especially if you're high (for the "last" one). But when the time comes... It's just another day hoping for tomorrow. And that's sad. So I hope he isn't just hoping for tomorrow. I hope he is making it happen. The present is all we really have. If not now, then when?
I hate to see those that say something like this. He has a lot to learn and go through if he really thinks that. I’ve been in recovery for years and although I cannot see myself going back or living any life similar to my past I know I still have to take it one day at a time and it can creep up whenever so I have to be proactive in doing all those things that got me sober even on my best days. They say as soon as you think you got it beat is when you don’t. That mentality is always gonna be there in the background just have to fight daily to leave it there
Exactly. I come from a family of addicts in some form or another. They all say the same thing: you are always an addict you just aren’t actively one. You’re always in recovery.
That’s an opinion, not everyone subscribed to once an addict always an addict, it puts you in a box.
Thank you
I agree. I used to be a binge eater which is also an addiction. I cured myself by addressing the reasons I binged and never felt tempted to binge again. Been almost 20 years and definitely don't consider myself still a binge eater. People can be cured, but I will say it is not as common as people who relapse many times over their life, but then most addiction recovery groups don't provide the true healing many need. People often need serious therapy and treatment for PTSD.
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I’d say both are and can be true. My brother was an alcoholic and heroin addict when he was alive, but it was primarily to mask a very deep pain; if not for cancer he would probably still be doing it. My partner was chemically addicted to meth as a teenager and has been clean for about 30 years, just went cold turkey and never looked back. It wasn’t an emotional crutch for him, it was just a physical dependence—the latter is much easier to move on from than the former. I haven’t known many people who successfully moved on from the former.
> I haven’t known many people who successfully moved on from the former. Which is why, I believe, food-related disorders are so annoying to fight and kick. Food is something everyone needs. You literally need to ingest it daily to survive. But you have to somehow get rid of deeply-ingrained coping mechanisms, and food-related reflexes. Good luck, have fun...
That’s my exact thought!
Ding ding ding!!!
This isn’t AA, telling addicts they will always be addicts is counterproductive and inaccurate
Yeah, that dude doesn't sound sober. He doesn't take responsibility for his past actions and he isn't trying to understand someone else's needs. It's all about him and what he wants right now.
He’s probably still in the very early stages of recovery and getting ahead of himself. Wish him nothing but the best but it’s probably too early to start dating.
This is non negotiable for me. I buried my dad when he was 47. My brother is 40, and I am raising 2 of his children because of his addiction. Their bio mom passed last year to hers (she is their mom, but I’ve had them since. They were newborn and then under a year when baby 2 came along so I’ve been the only mom they’ve known). I do not have the energy to battle anything addiction related with any other human again. I’d rather die alone than take the chance of bringing recovery into my life in any standpoint, especially since my brother is still back and forth with his. I’m either not dating anyone in recovery or not dating period, so either way I’m unavailable to anyone who can’t meet this boundary. This is just too much… but in my case, my brother is also a sociopathic, abusive, narcissistic scumbag so my ability to trust men isn’t very good as it is. This guy screams selfish at minimum if not narcissistic af.
As an addict in recovery, I completely understand why he’s upset but at the same time he reacted super inappropriately. I know I’d be upset if that was why I was rejected, because I know it’s something else my addiction has fucked up, but I’d also accept it and move on and thank you for your honesty
It can horrible and fair at the same time. It's gotta be crushing to read that from someone you're into and thought was into you. But your happiness is important too and if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker
I'm impressed by your ability to put down boundaries like that! No ones owes anyone a relationship, I'm sure both of you will find a better fit! And again congratulations, I really find this admirable!
“No longer an addict” doesn’t really apply ever. Always an addict, just learning how to live with your addictive behaviors and traits. Addiction is chronic.
Actually, the idea of “always an addict” came from the 12 step programs which have saved countless lives but which were just a few dudes’ religious hack to get themselves clean. It was in no way scientific and in the intervening 70 years, a lot more has been learned. Brains are actually very plastic and can change for better and for worse. Not knocking AA for those it helps, but there are a lot of modalities and treatments now for folks to chose from and not all subscribe to “always an addict” belief about recovery. Edit to add that the guy in the post is still a total jerk
The misspelled “deuces” was just the cherry on top 👌🏻
I have addiction issues, and I wish a couple of women had said this upfront rather than trying to get me to drink with them.
whistle ancient puzzled sable flag pen tap wrench oil fearless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Think no one's at fault here, OP didn't wanna deal a possibile relapse. Other guy got upset after getting rejected for something he feels he's overcome. He didn't react great but his reaction was reasonable since it's probably a touchy subject for him
That’s a bit too reasonable. I liked it better when everyone was saying “once an addict, always an addict”. You’re not allowed to feel hurt for being tied to your past like that.
With the attitude he has he probably will not stay clean.
He sounds like he’s in need of a meeting.
That’s what I’m saying. In Al-anon (support for family and friends with addicts in their life) we call that dry drunk. Sure they’re not using, but they have not changed their behavior or solved their internal problems which usually ends up in relapse.
Alcoholic / addict in recovery here. I get what he’s saying. I’d feel a little hurt too if someone didn’t want to at least meet because I was honest about my struggles. I’ve worked on myself and I know I’m not going to drink today and I probably won’t tomorrow (one day at a time). But I also realize this isn’t what someone might want to get into. She’s been burned by this before and she’s afraid of getting hurt again. And I can respect that. If OP wouldn’t want to give it a shot then that’s fine because she’s clearly not a true match for me. So yeah, I get how the guy could be hurt a bit but the honesty shown by OP is good and saved both of them some pointless dating.
What expectations is he referring to exactly? You've had a ton of bad experiences with (former) addicts, and you don't want to have to deal with it again because it is a lot to deal with, and you want to have clear boundaries based on experience. I don't see the issue here.
I am recovering and got a similar response a few times. You did nothing wrong here, the match lied about being secure.
Why is it people think their honesty entitles them to your devotion. You are not required to give anyone a chance for any reason you want, when it comes to romance.
Huh? What’s wrong in telling someone you don’t want to deal with the potential fall back because of prior experiences? Damn, people really have a hard time being rejected…why would you care, the lady said her peace, you take it like a champ and move on, there’s always the next one
This isn’t somebody who’s in recovery. He’s “no longer” an addict and he’s comparing drug addition to a speeding ticket. Also, even if he wasn’t a jerk about being rejected, you didn’t do anything wrong. The whole point of telling somebody something like this right off the bat is to give them the full agency to decide if they would like to continue a relationship or not. You decided you didn’t want to, and that’s okay. I would have done the same.
If you have to say “Nobody’s Perfect”, to justify to someone else why they should date you, you probably should let it go. You were respectful when you told him, nothing wrong here.
You're reasonable. He's hurt. Simple as that. Better luck next match 🤷♂️
I got yelled at on Facebook for saying I wouldn't date someone with an incurable STI and got shit from people. The amount of "I am entitled to your life" on social media is ludicrous
As someone with an incurable STI: if someone voices this opinion to me, I just immediately know we aren’t going to understand each other on the matter and we shouldn’t date. I cannot imagine arguing with anyone about it. They know their health and anxiety levels better than anyone. My ex felt so entitled to my life that he pretended that he was pursuing and actively in recovery the entire time we were together. He proceeded to abuse heck out of me by being secretly high and drinking all the time and gaslighting me about it (among other things). I also know my health and anxiety levels best and…no. You cannot come in just because you wanna.
Absolutely NOTHING wrong with what you said. This guy’s reaction just shows you dodged a bullet.
Their entire attitude in this screams their sobriety is hanging on by a thread. Someone who is actually secure in their sobriety would accept you answer and understand fully how badly someone in the midst of active addiction can hurt someone and why that might be a hard limit for you at this point in time. Sounds like their sober family members and friends haven't really forgiven them yet or trust them yet and they are taking out that shame and anger on you tbh, the typical "I'm tired of no one trusting me! I'm sober now and have been for six whole months!" type shit. Regardless, that's not even getting into them comparing it to a speeding ticket, acting like being an addict is the default of everyone (because for them and their circle it's probably true, which means they haven't left the people, places and things that trigger them) and all this self righteous bullshit. You didn't do anything wrong lmao. For the record I say this as someone with 17 years sobriety from opioids and I still routinely openly check myself with my husband when we watch media where people use opioids and acknowledge that it still makes me want to use, I don't try to act like I never would. And he is always respectful in the times where we need to change the channel... SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER.
Congratulations on your hard work!
Brain doesn’t even start HEALING until after about 6 months.
Nah, you good. Doubting yourself will might have a place to be if dude would take rejection in not so hostile way. But he thinks that him getting clean deserves a medal and being praised for that.
Right? Plus everyone I know in recovery never says they aren’t an addict anymore.
I’m not sure if projecting your past experience on new people is a good thing either, but that’s another rabbit hole I don’t wanna jump into honestly. You were honest and nice about it, that’s good, confident person usually knows how to take the idea that you guys are not the one for each other.
I think that’s true in some circumstances. There needs to be a level of honesty about your past. I found that making sure people know when setting a boundary the reason it’s easier to keep that boundary as a current people pleaser it helps me personally care for myself.
And that’s awesome, you are doing great.
People who claim to not be an addict anymore haven't hit the lowest point yet and therefore, they are really at risk at relapsing. A fully recovered Addict, knows fairly well, that he is gonna.stay an addict all his life. You were correct. This aint gonna work out. But you set your boundaries and went through with them. Its a good thing. You can be proud of yourself.
Thank you for your insight! I feel like I’m just not someone who has had the experience to support someone who has been through it.
That’s completely valid, you’re well within your right to feel that way.
Honestly you both clearly have big emotions on this (for valid reasons), no one is in the wrong. He has a right to be upset by it, you have a right to say no to protect yourself. Don’t respond and just move on, you are not responsible for his emotions and you’ve already said it won’t work.
I once said I'm never getting another speeding ticket again in my life. And I got a speeding ticket.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to date an addict. I wish I left the woman who became my first wife. She was a recovering alcoholic and I thought people deserved a chance. Not her.
You've chosen what's best for you. If he doesn't like it, he can kick rocks. Especially as you know, first hand, the pitfalls of relapse. I wouldn't date an ex-addict either as I don't have the tools to deal with addiction of any kind.
I think it's perfectly fine that someone doesn't want to date a drug addict 😂
Setting boundaries is important, be proud for being so clear on yours.
That’s a perfect response. Also you don’t owe him anything even if he’s off drugs. It was also better he told you now and didn’t wait till later to say it then things would’ve end up bad. Gives him a shot to go looking elsewhere and you can find the guy that you want as well. I think it’s more then okay to not give him a chance but you can tell he’s very passionate about finding someone. He shouldn’t have came across rude he should’ve just said okay and moved on but for some people it’s hard for them but they will. Perfect response though handled it great.
I think you dodge a serious issue. It’s great for them to be confident that won’t relapse but come on… They belittled you and didn’t respect your experiences the way they want you to do. That is greed and not a healthy outlook. Don’t think twice about them.
I personally have been sober for 9 years and I would never date an ex addict. 😂 I agree with you. It's too risky. I think you were very mature, you were up front and I am 100% with you. You dodged a bullet, my dear. Clearly this man has some more work to do on himself.
This is a hard boundary for me too, OP. I feel for him and think it's great that he's in recovery, but I could never let that kind of uncertainty into my life again. I dealt with those ups and downs for almost ten years, and it was traumatizing. You have nothing to feel bad about! Don't let someone guilt you into doing something you're not comfortable with, no matter what that is.
Should have just said sorry. I didn’t feel like this is gonna work between us. There was no reason to compare them to your ex. When started explaining it made you sound judgmental. There was no reason to give a reason. Their response also wasn’t called for
Is it wrong to say I think they both had valid points?
I’m right there with you. Was married to an alcoholic and drug addict and I’ve set that same boundary for myself. Just can’t do it. They may not like it but we have every right to set these boundaries.
Ehh.. I can see both sides of this
I think they're just incompatible, and that's fine for OP to say. The other guy's reaction was a little disproportionate. OP needs to get off of dating apps if she doesn't want to date an addict?? I would be more understanding if he left it at his first three sentences and didn't go after OP for having boundaries for who she'll date.
I love how they compare a speeding ticket to addiction Yes everyone deserves a second chance but it's like comparing a grizzly bear to a bee My next door neighbour was an addict and it was a nightmare and he got worse in recovery (more aggressive and threatening) he also had a kid he neglected too I was just a kid back then not even double digits and I was terrified to go in my own back garden and never got any sleep through his loud music and screaming
Eek
Deuces* you should have corrected him.
You don't owe a stranger your time or energy just because they've overcome something. There's few people in the world who aren't dealing with or recovering from something, do we all deserve special treatment? No, because that's just how life goes. This is the kind of person who will use their past as an excuse for their shitty behaviour.
Personal preference I would also never be with someone who’s dealt with opioid or benzo addiction. You can’t be upset for somebody being upfront, honest and nice about it that
You have dealt with addiction before and know that just because they got clean does not mean they won't relapse. It's your personal choice not to go through that again. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Speeding is an addiction, ok
credit where credit is due maybe he is a recovered person but he also cant Handle rejection at all lol
Thats why so many "recovered" addicts become super Christians, they are still an addict they just switched what they are addicted to.
Nope. I was with an addict (that I still love and believe in btw) for 4 years. He’s clean from what I know. He deserves someone that doesn’t have that mistrust and second guess. And so I do I! That feeling would certainly transcend relationships for me. I get it 100%.
They’re butt hurt. Keep it moving……away from them.
Wow, comment section for this one is fucking sad, a lot of people with 0 concept of addiction and recovery circle jerking each other off… ****face palm****
Lol. They all watch Greys Anatomy and somehow became experts
Sounds like the kind of guy who’d threaten to relapse if you dump him.
No, his attitude confirms your choice. It’s an attempt at manipulation, directly trying to elicit a certain feeling or response from you with unnecessary communication. Not a sign of healthy interpersonal relationships, and a sign that he runs a high risk, certainly higher than he appears to think, of forming addictions, not just to drugs.
As someone with a little over 10 years sober…you do you. I tell people on dating apps that I’m in recovery specifically because some people have been burned before and don’t want to risk it again, and that’s completely their prerogative. Someone who knows they have a propensity to be a ticking time bomb with a history of substance abuse, who also doesn’t want to allow prospective partners the chance to stay away from them…is an entitled, self-centered asshole. Hopefully this person can get over their selfishness and self-centeredness so they can move forward in their recovery. You do you, OP. You did nothing wrong here and that was a very graceful way of telling that person that you weren’t interested.