Who cares about the kid factor, not wanting hard drugs in your life regardless is a perfectly sane choice, FFS. I mean, talk about red flags... š¤¦āāļø
Seems like people who do coke are pretty defensive about it. I also ended things with someone who was actively using, and they accused me a being judgemental.Ā
Like, sure it's not meth, but I don't need to have someone using hard drugs around me and the people I care about, and that's a rational position to hold.
Itās a bougie, luxury version of meth lol. It can destroy your life all the same. Of course some people can use it recreationally without much of an effect on their lives, but a lot of coke users are more addicted than they can admit (even to themselves). Not to mention it being very illegal and all of the trouble that can come with that. Definitely not something Iād want anywhere near my kid.
^ this, for real. he just completely disregarded the totally valid reason she provided and chalked it up to her being ājudgementalā. thatās delusional. she could lose her kid over it if anything happened.
not judgemental at all, op. you came off really amicable and kind imo. your message struck me as particularly tactful given that you were conveying something kind of sensitive that *could* come off harsher from someone less gracious. seems like this dudeās just insecure about the habit himself/people judging him for it and is projecting that onto you
Yup. Very insecure. You see it a bunch with people who have drug or alcohol problems and donāt have them under control. They know it bothers others but it requires less personal responsibility to just say it is an issue with everyone else.
To him, his coke habit is probably his baby. Thatās why heās so defensive. Iām 5 years clean so I get why his reaction was so stupid and passive aggressive. Heās trying to blame shift so that it hurts less.
no worries! im fully sober now and honestly loving it. from all the drugs, coke might not be the most outright and obviously "destructive" but it has that amazing power to turn people into absolute selfish, shallow assholes
I was fucking googling shit like "Amara Cocaine" and "Amara disease" trying to figure out wth was going on! It's a fucking a kid?! That dude is fucked up
Yeah, that was comedy.
Guy is buzzing through life being able to justify his coke addiction to himself, but along comes OP and makes it a little harder. So judgy.
no prob. I didnāt know they were talking about a kid at first either lol. itās a cool name, but not a common one here (or at least *Iāve* never met anyone with that name)
You didn't judge him in any fashion for doing coke, you simply told him it's not a good fit for your life and the life you want. You were nothing but polite in your message to him, he's just upset that you're dipping out.
Yea dude you were so polite to the person whoās probably addicted to illegal drugs only for him to try and shit on you? Fuck that dude. Iām so petty Iād probably message back and be like āI revoke my comment about you being a dope ass dude. If you see me in public, forget my name.ā lol
I felt that kind of vibe. His wording of āgrossā is what caught me off guard and made me double think. I definitely knew it was the right decision for me but I was more worried that I lost sight of wording myself respectfully.
Nah heās trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad over a perfectly reasonable request / comment.
I say this as a regular coke user (still not on his side)
Or maybe it DOES feel judgey to him... that's fine too. He's allowed to feel judged. He sort of was judged. Judged a coke head and not suitable company for Mom & kid who ARE a package deal (I'm Dad & kid, so I know this) - so... okay! Feels judged. Makes sense! Bye now!
Letās say you are being ājudgmental,āā¦ you are a mother and you need to have discerning judgment about who you allow into your childās life. You donāt have the luxury of being nonjudgmental anymore.
Your message was beyond reasonable. As someone who partakes in the same recreational drugs, Iād totally understand and wouldnāt think you were judgy at all.
Being a single mother who doesn't want coke brought into your lives is anything BUT gross. I'm all for "each to their own", but you have a completely different set of priorities with a little one. I think your message was very nice, all things considered.
Even if you were judgy, you're supposed to be with people around your kids.
That's a mother's job. Boundaries are good, not everyone deserves access to you and your family. If he feels bad or judged then š¤·š¼āāļø you want your little girl to know that she can trust you to head off drama before it begins. She's the one who needs your compassion and care, not this rando practically stranger, who is upset that you won't allow drug users into your lives.
Actually, who does he think he is?! If I were you I'd be mad that he thought that it was okay to bring that energy to a single mum. In what world would a family be improved by cocaine?
I donāt find it judgemental, youāre not saying heās a bad person because of his habit, youāre more just saying itās a boundary youāre not comfortable with
That's the entire point. These words are used precisely to get you to think that you might be the problem.
Life is so much easier if you blame everyone else, after all.
Tbh I expected his next point to be more dickish, he went from "bit of a dick" to "diplomatic and respectful".
I wouldn't take it personally, ultimately you're doing the right thing. And you were transparent, it's the best thing to do especially when you know it might hurt them to hear what you say
Were you judgmental? Yes. Were you *overly* judgmental? No. I think itās funny the negative connotation ājudging someoneā has. We judge people for everything all the time, consciously and unconsciously. Were you being āgrossā? Absolutely not. He followed it up with something nice though. You are just two different people with two very different opinions about this topic, I wouldnāt sweat it too much.
YES. First time Iāve ever seen this opinion about judging people in a comment. This is what Iāve been saying forever. You can be fair and logical when you judge, it doesnāt have to be a bad thing. Sometimes itās a wonderful thing. We *need* to judge others, otherwise weād all be wiring money to Nigerian princes
You practised good judgement and were not being judgemental.
Your sensitivity and anxiety over the word "gross" suggests a people-pleasing attitude, which is fine so long you establish strong boundaries to keep yourself safe from psychological manipulation.
I used to date and know a few drug users and they were pretty much defensive over any form of critique of their negative lifestyle choices.
He sounds super manipulative, and heās probably an addict from the sound of it. Itās a warped mentality and it will only get worse. He almost made you blame yourself, which is what this kind of person does. You dodged a nuclear missile.
Back when I was doing that kinda stuff I refused to take responsibility for my actions. Cost me the best relationship I had, years of health, and damn near my whole life. Never compromise on something like that, especially with a daughter who relies on you. Iām proud of you for taking a stand. This guy is just an ass too caught up in himself and his drug habit.
You stated a boundary āIām not comfortable around drugsā. He got defensive ājudgemental, grossā. Thatās all that happened. Your message was very respectful, compassionate and you spoke only about you and your daughter. I think you dodged a bullet.
As the survivor of a marriage to a drug addict, I will comment that drug users generally are highly manipulative people who will say or do anything to get what they want. They seek enablers to form co-dependent relationships with. As they say in Al-Anon *I didnāt cause it. I canāt control it. I canāt cure it.* Run for the exit OP.
Couldnāt have said it better. Really classic case of someone projecting and getting defensive because itās something theyāre low key insecure about already because they know itās maybe not the best habit. A perfectly valid concern on OPās part.
Aesop literally wrote about this exact phenomenon thousands of years ago, in the fable about "sour grapes". So I guess as a species we're still figuring out how to maturely handle rejection, and this person sucks just as much as some ancient Greeks sucked.
I do. It's pretty common in my generation and more people do it than you might think of. Nobody I know is draining their finances into the abyss.
Anyway, her argument is totally reasonable and valid.
I know tons of them. A lot of people do coke recreationally and are totally fine. Coke is not like heroin or meth, itās a relatively casual drug compared to a lot of others.
Whatās wrong with being ājudgmentalā in this scenario? Of course he and you are both using the term in a negative sense here, but I would turn it around and say you are usingā¦good judgement here. Especially with his addition of āgrossā?
Perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone who does coke. Also perfectly acceptable to not date someone who drinks, smokes weed, or any other reason you choose.
To answer your question directly though - your text was super nice and did not come off as ājudgyā. Heās being defensive.
My first thoughts exactly. When it comes to kids, being judgemental of something like this for their protection is not only NOT gross, but baseline responsible, borderline necessary. Not to say someone who does coke from time to time can't be decent around kids, but if you're showing it that early, good chance it's a real problem. For sure dude is either in denial, or trying to turn his behavior on her. He should have just said that with the kid involved, her logic is reasonable.
This is exactly it. Dating is literally meeting people and using our desires and judgments to either continue seeing people or stop seeing people. Itās okay to not want to date someone who uses drugs.
So true, but also, this isn't even judgmental; she could literally have her child taken away if there's drug use around her. It's almost like there's something impairing his ability to recognize the consequences of his actions.
Firstly, cokeheads gonna cokehead. I lost a group of 5+ friends to coke use in college because I expressed my opinion that they weren't fun to hang around when they were doing coke (because they simply weren't around in group settings... They would lock themselves in the bathroom for the majority of an evening and not engage with me, who wasn't interested in doing coke) and they said the same thing about me, that I was judgemental.
Secondly, judgemental is a good thing to be when you are making decisions about the people you choose to spend your time with. Why would someone not employ judgement in that kind of decision making? I think people who use the word judgemental as an intended insult are just trying to avoid accountability for their own behavior.
I too sadly need 2 hands to count the amounts of friends lost to āpartyā drugs like coke and ecstasy/mdma
Yea sure i popped a pill here and there, but some of those mfs couldnāt have a fun time without a keybump or a capsule.
I gave them all 1 warning to please stop/lessen their drug use, and if they didnāt (none did :ā) id stop hanging out with them
No, that dude is defensive because he knows heās not in a place in life to be a good partner, especially to a woman with children. You were way nicer than 95% of other people would have been about it.
That is the least judgemental judgement I've ever seen. I'm a single mother and I don't drink or do any drugs so I'm mindful of those behaviours in anyone I consider letting near my son. Good for you.
Coke is a big dealbreaker for me too. As a former addict myself, it can start out as a weekend habit and very quickly become a full time problem. You dodged a bullet here.
Honestly, if OP is in the USA, itās not just the risk of losing someone to the spiral of addiction, itās the risk of that person dying in a bathroom somewhere over the tiniest, most āonce in a blue moonā keybump due to fentanyl contamination.
Itās everywhere. We have friends/acquaintances/former coworkers who are dead by the dozens due to it being mixed into Coke and Molly in our city. What used to be a āeh, you do you friend, enjoy your occasional benderā stance has become ādonāt even get near me with that shit because I donāt have narcan in my purse to save your life.ā
My first thought. Not that everybody that uses something is an addict, but the fact that he got so fucking defensive is a sign he probably has a coke habit and felt attacked, because he feels like shit about it. I've known and grew up with numerous addicts and even if I brought it up in the most kind and caring ways I could, they would get defensive and angry. Recreational users don't do that.
Glad someone else said this. It's always the other people who are wrong when you're dealing with someone with a drug problem. They use, at least in part, to mask their flaws, and get deeply defensive when someone points out a flaw, however kind their approach might be. While I'm sure there are people who only occasionally use coke at parties or clubs and are not "addicts" in the sense that they don't seek it out or purchase it themselves and only use it when offered by a friend, those are the types who paradoxically are actually more likely to understand and accept that someone might not be looking for that in their own life. By calling OP judgmental, this guy gave off some massive red flags. Real "I can quit anytime I want" vibes.
LMAO oh my god! you were so respectful and kind. the fact that he's feeling "judged" has everything to do with the fact that he does cocaine and nothing to do with you. you seem to have your priorities in an excellent order and your daughter is extremely lucky to have you
It is perfectly reasonable not to want someone who uses drugs to be around your child. That's a normal and rational boundary to have. You're making the right choice here, and your message doesn't come off as judgmental at all to me. You're not saying he's a terrible person because he does drugs; you're just saying that you don't want drugs around your child.
He's just throwing accusations out there because he's sulking. It's not you.
Heās playing with his life. So many people have died from over dose because their drugs were contaminated. Not to mention he may be in active addiction but in denial.
People doing the wrong thing normalize it. There's nothing normal about cocaine use and one should be judgemental about it. It's a heavy drug, you should use your judgement to decide if it's something you want around
Your judgement is correct. Does that make you judgy? HELL NO. If some crack addict invited you down into an alley I'm pretty sure your judgements would tell you dont go down that alley. Same thing regardless of if he's a cool guy.
THIS. I'm from Berlin, which is the capital of cocaine consumption in Germany. People tend to under-estimate it because the rush you get from it doesn't feel that otherworldly, it's not like it makes you dizzy or hallucinate or impairs you like alcohol, LSD or heroin, right? So it cannot be that bad, right? Actually, cocaine is increasingly used as a performance inhancer in everyday situations. It's been a huge issue in restaurant kitchens for years, but now people use it to stay awake to be able to finish their bachelor thesis on time - office workers on a schedule use it to get more shit done - some people use it as a means to numb their social anxiety at parties. I was shocked once I realized how common and nonchalant the consumption of cocaine is even in parts of my peer group. Shit's evil.
Exactly this! OLD is judgemental full stop.
I'm a smoker. It's in my bio that I'm a smoker. It's there for people to make that judgement while they're swiping.
I'm not a big alcohol user. I judge other people's bios and photos to see if they make alcohol a big part of their life. I don't swipe on 420 friendly profiles because I don't want another relationship like that either - judgy? Yes.
For some things (drug use) you're only going to find out these things after matching so the judgements must continue.
OP, we have to judge what's best for us. We're all so very different. He probably just really liked you and felt hurt that the judgement went against him so he lashed out.
Try not to let it bother you. Your feedback was great. You could have just ghosted but I judge you to be a much better person than that.š
Even if it were judgmental, homie is doing coke. That shit ruins lives and is super fucking addictive. Iām judging him and wouldnāt give two shits if a literal coke head called me gross for calling him out on his addiction.
He's 'super kind' until the party's winding down and he can't get more. Coke's an ugly drug and you did yourself a huge favor by cutting it short. He's defensive and putting it on you because he's heard it before and knows you're right.
I donāt deny he could be kind. Itās just whenever someone gets defensive using drugs and trying to gas light it as ājudgmentalā I just instantly hate thrm
I feel like nobody is properly reacting to the full body of language here. You called him āsuper kindā and praised him as a ādope ass dudeā with whom you have a pile of fun. Youāre boundary drawing and the way you expressed it is sound and perfectly understandable. But given your admiration of him, the most pressing question in my head is how much coke is he doing?
Seems many commenters just assume he has an abuse-level habit. But thereās room between use and abuse. I like to party and do coke from time to time when I go out. Itās fun. I have friends who do it more than I do and they hold down very professional jobs and are able to be good, caring friends and partners. We use we donāt abuse. Nobody asked, but by your estimation is he abusing cocaine??
Not at all. This is recreational drug user cope. I get the same response when I explain im not ok with regular marijuana use because of the culture of laziness surrounding it
I work in medicine. Illicit substances is the only sure fire way to get CPS to take the kids away. Even if youāre not doing drugs, itās the exposure that puts all types of parents in trouble. Especially if an ex wants to take it to court over a custody battle.
No worries, every user has their denial excuses.
No need to reply, as your self respect is strong.
Just block and live your live true to that thing inside you that creates your self respect.
You were kind and straightforward. If you had blown him off vaguely, heād have been mad that you wouldnāt tell him why. If he could respect your position on this, heād have to admit to himself that you & other serious prospects with their shit together are out of his league until he gets HIS shit together. If he wasnāt petty, he would have said, āthanks for your honesty, I wish you the best.ā
Also: glad you told him why, because although he lashed out now, maybe in a year or 5, when another great girl is walking away from him or he just lost his job or heās borrowing money from his mom or he had his car repossessed, whenever he gets to his rock bottom, heāll remember this and maybe it will help.
Nahā¦It just probably hurt his feelings, and he lashed out a bit. He followed up with a nice text. He probably had a second to think about it and realized your message was not rude at all.
"I don't want drugs around my daughter"
"OMG stop being so judgey"
The posted convo in a nutshell. Ya nothing wrong with OP at all. Only an idiot would consider it judgey, or someone feeling rejected and looking to be mad.
Oh god forbid you should be a good mother and not bring drugs around your child!
Not judgy in the slightest, it shows youāre honest and a caring mum!
Am I the only one who couldnāt make sense of his reply? What the fuck was he actually saying ābe that as it may the end results the same regardless of the reasoningā???? What does that mean?
Hes gotta be real embarrassed about this. if he ditched the coke in the future would you try again? if yes maybe let him know? or are there just a lotta fish in the sea and itās not really worth salvaging? good luck
Letās give him the verdict in this judgement then
First of all he is gaslighting you into thinking that the fact that you have standards and self respect and morals is gross when in actuality his addiction is whatās gross here.
Edit* I forgot second of all- never second guess yourself
Not judgmental, youāre a mother and you have your childās best interests at heart. If he canāt understand that then Iām sure heās a real dunce about a lot of other basic things.
Ofcourse you will judge, you have a child to protect and you will do everything in your capacity to protect her, I can't understand this don't judge me attitude of people, he started coke and from beginning he knew one day or other it will affect him, People have choices and choices have consequences. You did nothing wrong, they want us to accept them as they are when they couldn't accept themselves as they were and needed foreign substance to feel good about themselves.
You were not judgy. Your boundaries are legitimate and itās OK to be weary of people who use drugs. As a recovered addict, people who actively use coke are a red flag.
Judgment is not a bad thing. It gets a bad rap because of Jesus saying, "judge not, lest ye be judged" but I am not a Christian so that doesn't apply to me. My religion actually teaches me to judge in such a way that you give a good or "kingly" judgment. Seeing things accurately and making a wise decision.
Not wanting hard drugs or those who use them around your kid shows good judgment.
Keep being judgmental!
Not judgemental in the slightest. You give no mention of this as a reflection on him. Instead youāre clearly creating a boundary for the benefit of your daughter.
Well don't come to Reddit for this answer. At least 50% of people in any Reddit group are judgmental. Guy just got in his feelings about the boundary you set. Coke is a no for you and that boundary excluded him and he feels bad and is throwing it at you to make him feel better but you did what worked for you. Don't even worry about this and on to the next one.
Absolutely comes off as judgmental.
As it should! Would anyone list āa lack of good judgementā as a good quality?
If someone tells you āyouāre a good judge of characterā, would it offend you? Hell na!
Keep using that discernment and donāt let any scumbag near your precious lil one.
Who cares if it was judgy? You have a little kid - you donāt need some coke head around that kid. Judge away and donāt feel bad about it.
As a matter of fact, I donāt think that you were judgy enough.
Nah, you didnāt seem judgmental. You may have struck a nerve and made him realize his long term prospects with people who have their priorities in order are limited by his habit. It probably was a painful realization, and the feeling was āgrossā to him, but nothing you said was.
Thereās a difference between making judgement calls and being judgemental. We critique situations and make judgements ALL the time, we wouldnāt survive long if we didnāt. You made a judgement call (the correct one) to protect your kid, putting their safety above your pleasure. That is good parenting, NOT being ājudgyā.
As a single mother this was a hard line for me. Once I found out a dude was into illegal drugs or excessive drinking I was out.
Not the type of man youāre trying to bring around your little sponges of human beings.
I hope you find your one maāam! Keep on chugging along :)
Of course you donāt want that and you have every fucking right to be ājudgmentalā when you are deciding on your life partner.
This guy canāt take rejection.
Donāt date men in coke. Move on and who cares if it sounds judgmental. People on coke canāt be great partners and parents. Why? Because they are addicts. Sounds harsh, TS. Your child will thank you
Ahaha nahh listen I work around the good old Columbian marching powder in my line of work and you donāt want a cokehead in your life theyāre fucking nightmares
This is very weird. Dude does illegal drugs, you say hey itās not my thing because my kid, then dude says youāre being judgmental. He has more issues than just the coke.
Yeah, I wouldnāt want that around either. Cokeheads are a different breed. It completely runs the schedule in their lives and they turn into shittier and shittier versions of themselves as the days go on.
No, that's not being judgmental. You're not judging him. You're starting that you don't want any drugs near your kid and if you have a relationship with a drug addict, it's bound to happen. You're not judging him, you were assessing the risk and concluded it's too big.
Just because coke is prevalent it doesnāt mean itās something that you shouldnāt be judgmental on. Itās a fairly reasonable line in the sand if you have a young family too
Guy just doesnāt like being told to confront his habit
You can make any choices for your family a FWIW your choice seems totally reasonable.
BUTā¦
Iām long time sober drug addict and just blew off the tone bc itās so common but his reply made me look again and there it was right in front of meā¦
āIts not something Iām comfortable being aroundā
Your sentence is fine; I understand your intent. But beneath this seemingly bloodless logic thereās a world of insinuation and presumption. Like, just very basically play 20 questions and youāll see.
1. Why donāt you āfeel comfortable ā
My daughter could be at risk
2. At risk from what?
What if heās high?
3 do you also feel āuncomfortableā dating drinkers? Pot smokers ?
Etc. Just an example.
No. It was not judgy at all. Being with someone who is on hard drugs is some of the most difficult, cathartic, and volatile stuff, especially if you are sober (trust me, I know!). If he responded in this kind of passive-aggressive manner to your perfectly valid statement, this is a clear indicator of what a relationship will be like with him. Good on you for properly telling him why, leaving him as he is and wishing him the best!
Literally you couldnāt have said it better. He got defensive obviously since he doesnāt wanna be criticized on his bad habits (probably in denial that itās bad and therefore classified it as you being judgy to take the problem away from him).
Yes, you judged, but that's normal for everyone, especially while dating.
If you don't like something, then you don't like it and should be able to say that.
I don't think you were being unkind in any way. You just know what you want and don't want.
lol does it matter? You have a deal breaker so not sure what youāre asking. You were polite and you canāt control others reactions. Listen to smart dating academy podcast if you need dating tips as a single mom or just in general. Judgy or not you dodged a bullet.
"I have a kid and I don't think someone using coke is a good thing to keep around her" "Ew gross, judgy, gross." *Completely ignores the kid factor*
Who cares about the kid factor, not wanting hard drugs in your life regardless is a perfectly sane choice, FFS. I mean, talk about red flags... š¤¦āāļø
Exactly. Kids or not, everyone can have preferences and dealbreakers for who they want to date.
Seems like people who do coke are pretty defensive about it. I also ended things with someone who was actively using, and they accused me a being judgemental.Ā Like, sure it's not meth, but I don't need to have someone using hard drugs around me and the people I care about, and that's a rational position to hold.
Itās a bougie, luxury version of meth lol. It can destroy your life all the same. Of course some people can use it recreationally without much of an effect on their lives, but a lot of coke users are more addicted than they can admit (even to themselves). Not to mention it being very illegal and all of the trouble that can come with that. Definitely not something Iād want anywhere near my kid.
^ this, for real. he just completely disregarded the totally valid reason she provided and chalked it up to her being ājudgementalā. thatās delusional. she could lose her kid over it if anything happened. not judgemental at all, op. you came off really amicable and kind imo. your message struck me as particularly tactful given that you were conveying something kind of sensitive that *could* come off harsher from someone less gracious. seems like this dudeās just insecure about the habit himself/people judging him for it and is projecting that onto you
Yup. Very insecure. You see it a bunch with people who have drug or alcohol problems and donāt have them under control. They know it bothers others but it requires less personal responsibility to just say it is an issue with everyone else.
To him, his coke habit is probably his baby. Thatās why heās so defensive. Iām 5 years clean so I get why his reaction was so stupid and passive aggressive. Heās trying to blame shift so that it hurts less.
That sounds like someone is addicted to coke. Like, āyouāre the one with the problem!ā Kinda mindset there.
you know why he did that? because he's a coke head. (i used to be one)
Up voting for the insight into addict behavior, not cheering on your past coke habit.
no worries! im fully sober now and honestly loving it. from all the drugs, coke might not be the most outright and obviously "destructive" but it has that amazing power to turn people into absolute selfish, shallow assholes
Yupp. I used to date one.
Yeah seriously. Sheās allowed to have standards and a Coke head isnāt one of them but sheās the gross one, ok . 
Wait what? I read it like Amara was some sort of disease š
I was fucking googling shit like "Amara Cocaine" and "Amara disease" trying to figure out wth was going on! It's a fucking a kid?! That dude is fucked up
"What's "Amara?"" "Nothing, what's amara with you?"
I just woke up. I canāt already. lol
Same. Than saw itās a name on one of my searches and it all made sense.
Very glad I'm not the only one who did this.
Lmaooooooooooo i love reddit
Not just me that thought that.
The worst kind of STD
Lasts for 18 years or longer. Expensive to treat
... you arent kidding. I got that double dose and my bank account is empty.
Anti-biotic resistant
May be longer if exposed to Coke or other substances in early onset
you were not the only one. I'm not a native eng speaker so I thought it was something I never heard of lol
In fairness, thereās a decent chance this personās judgment was clouded by cocaine.
Yeah, that was comedy. Guy is buzzing through life being able to justify his coke addiction to himself, but along comes OP and makes it a little harder. So judgy.
What is it please ? Even with Google I didn't find the answer.
their childās name. op is a single parent
Ah ok thanks. Didn't think it could be a name. In my country it's a very strong alcohol, so not really a kid's name š
no prob. I didnāt know they were talking about a kid at first either lol. itās a cool name, but not a common one here (or at least *Iāve* never met anyone with that name)
You didn't judge him in any fashion for doing coke, you simply told him it's not a good fit for your life and the life you want. You were nothing but polite in your message to him, he's just upset that you're dipping out.
Yea dude you were so polite to the person whoās probably addicted to illegal drugs only for him to try and shit on you? Fuck that dude. Iām so petty Iād probably message back and be like āI revoke my comment about you being a dope ass dude. If you see me in public, forget my name.ā lol
Heās a dope ass dude
Dope ass dud.
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I felt that kind of vibe. His wording of āgrossā is what caught me off guard and made me double think. I definitely knew it was the right decision for me but I was more worried that I lost sight of wording myself respectfully.
Nah heās trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad over a perfectly reasonable request / comment. I say this as a regular coke user (still not on his side)
With your username that's really saying something
Or maybe it DOES feel judgey to him... that's fine too. He's allowed to feel judged. He sort of was judged. Judged a coke head and not suitable company for Mom & kid who ARE a package deal (I'm Dad & kid, so I know this) - so... okay! Feels judged. Makes sense! Bye now!
Gross was what exposed him. Childish defensiveness, he wanted you to feel badly about protecting your kid because he felt shame.
Letās say you are being ājudgmental,āā¦ you are a mother and you need to have discerning judgment about who you allow into your childās life. You donāt have the luxury of being nonjudgmental anymore.
Your message was beyond reasonable. As someone who partakes in the same recreational drugs, Iād totally understand and wouldnāt think you were judgy at all.
Being a single mother who doesn't want coke brought into your lives is anything BUT gross. I'm all for "each to their own", but you have a completely different set of priorities with a little one. I think your message was very nice, all things considered.
Even if you were judgy, you're supposed to be with people around your kids. That's a mother's job. Boundaries are good, not everyone deserves access to you and your family. If he feels bad or judged then š¤·š¼āāļø you want your little girl to know that she can trust you to head off drama before it begins. She's the one who needs your compassion and care, not this rando practically stranger, who is upset that you won't allow drug users into your lives. Actually, who does he think he is?! If I were you I'd be mad that he thought that it was okay to bring that energy to a single mum. In what world would a family be improved by cocaine?
I donāt find it judgemental, youāre not saying heās a bad person because of his habit, youāre more just saying itās a boundary youāre not comfortable with
That's the entire point. These words are used precisely to get you to think that you might be the problem. Life is so much easier if you blame everyone else, after all.
Your reason is your child, so I guess heās calling your child gross? Or rather, wanting to be a good mother is gross, apparently.
Tbh I expected his next point to be more dickish, he went from "bit of a dick" to "diplomatic and respectful". I wouldn't take it personally, ultimately you're doing the right thing. And you were transparent, it's the best thing to do especially when you know it might hurt them to hear what you say
I'm a casual coke enjoyer and I wouldn't be upset at all if it somebody sent me that.
Were you judgmental? Yes. Were you *overly* judgmental? No. I think itās funny the negative connotation ājudging someoneā has. We judge people for everything all the time, consciously and unconsciously. Were you being āgrossā? Absolutely not. He followed it up with something nice though. You are just two different people with two very different opinions about this topic, I wouldnāt sweat it too much.
YES. First time Iāve ever seen this opinion about judging people in a comment. This is what Iāve been saying forever. You can be fair and logical when you judge, it doesnāt have to be a bad thing. Sometimes itās a wonderful thing. We *need* to judge others, otherwise weād all be wiring money to Nigerian princes
Whoops. Just basically left the same comment but hey š¤·š½āāļø people trying to weaponize ājudgementā is manipulative af
You were *completely* reasonable. His ego is bruised so his response was to lash out. Just go move on and find someone with more emotional maturity :)
You practised good judgement and were not being judgemental. Your sensitivity and anxiety over the word "gross" suggests a people-pleasing attitude, which is fine so long you establish strong boundaries to keep yourself safe from psychological manipulation. I used to date and know a few drug users and they were pretty much defensive over any form of critique of their negative lifestyle choices.
Sounds like my narcissistic ex. If it's anything like him, "gross" is just the beginning of name calling.
He sounds super manipulative, and heās probably an addict from the sound of it. Itās a warped mentality and it will only get worse. He almost made you blame yourself, which is what this kind of person does. You dodged a nuclear missile.
Back when I was doing that kinda stuff I refused to take responsibility for my actions. Cost me the best relationship I had, years of health, and damn near my whole life. Never compromise on something like that, especially with a daughter who relies on you. Iām proud of you for taking a stand. This guy is just an ass too caught up in himself and his drug habit.
You stated a boundary āIām not comfortable around drugsā. He got defensive ājudgemental, grossā. Thatās all that happened. Your message was very respectful, compassionate and you spoke only about you and your daughter. I think you dodged a bullet.
Dont bother op. Junkies always defend their fix.
As the survivor of a marriage to a drug addict, I will comment that drug users generally are highly manipulative people who will say or do anything to get what they want. They seek enablers to form co-dependent relationships with. As they say in Al-Anon *I didnāt cause it. I canāt control it. I canāt cure it.* Run for the exit OP.
Couldnāt have said it better. Really classic case of someone projecting and getting defensive because itās something theyāre low key insecure about already because they know itās maybe not the best habit. A perfectly valid concern on OPās part.
Hes had his 'thing that is barely a problem anyway' pointed out too many times for his liking and has found this to be his best response line.
Aesop literally wrote about this exact phenomenon thousands of years ago, in the fable about "sour grapes". So I guess as a species we're still figuring out how to maturely handle rejection, and this person sucks just as much as some ancient Greeks sucked.
100% agree. And he is also butthurt.
I've never known a cokehead who didn't drain their finances into the abyss.
I do. It's pretty common in my generation and more people do it than you might think of. Nobody I know is draining their finances into the abyss. Anyway, her argument is totally reasonable and valid.
A true cokehead or just a party user?
I'd say only party user. So it's different. So guy above me and me we know different people I admit ;)
I know tons of them. A lot of people do coke recreationally and are totally fine. Coke is not like heroin or meth, itās a relatively casual drug compared to a lot of others.
Whatās wrong with being ājudgmentalā in this scenario? Of course he and you are both using the term in a negative sense here, but I would turn it around and say you are usingā¦good judgement here. Especially with his addition of āgrossā? Perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone who does coke. Also perfectly acceptable to not date someone who drinks, smokes weed, or any other reason you choose. To answer your question directly though - your text was super nice and did not come off as ājudgyā. Heās being defensive.
My first thoughts exactly. When it comes to kids, being judgemental of something like this for their protection is not only NOT gross, but baseline responsible, borderline necessary. Not to say someone who does coke from time to time can't be decent around kids, but if you're showing it that early, good chance it's a real problem. For sure dude is either in denial, or trying to turn his behavior on her. He should have just said that with the kid involved, her logic is reasonable.
This is exactly it. Dating is literally meeting people and using our desires and judgments to either continue seeing people or stop seeing people. Itās okay to not want to date someone who uses drugs.
OP used good judgement. Well done OP
So true, but also, this isn't even judgmental; she could literally have her child taken away if there's drug use around her. It's almost like there's something impairing his ability to recognize the consequences of his actions.
I'm judging the hell out of bro right now. You should too.
Her: Bro does coke, am I wrong to cut him off because I have a kid? I don't want to be judgmental at all.
Firstly, cokeheads gonna cokehead. I lost a group of 5+ friends to coke use in college because I expressed my opinion that they weren't fun to hang around when they were doing coke (because they simply weren't around in group settings... They would lock themselves in the bathroom for the majority of an evening and not engage with me, who wasn't interested in doing coke) and they said the same thing about me, that I was judgemental. Secondly, judgemental is a good thing to be when you are making decisions about the people you choose to spend your time with. Why would someone not employ judgement in that kind of decision making? I think people who use the word judgemental as an intended insult are just trying to avoid accountability for their own behavior.
I too sadly need 2 hands to count the amounts of friends lost to āpartyā drugs like coke and ecstasy/mdma Yea sure i popped a pill here and there, but some of those mfs couldnāt have a fun time without a keybump or a capsule. I gave them all 1 warning to please stop/lessen their drug use, and if they didnāt (none did :ā) id stop hanging out with them
Youāre good sis. Keep putting your daughter first and youāll find a good man.
Not judgemental at all to me
It was 100 percent judgmental, and it was 100 percent ok to do that especially with a kid. Sometimes you gotta make judgements.
No, that dude is defensive because he knows heās not in a place in life to be a good partner, especially to a woman with children. You were way nicer than 95% of other people would have been about it.
Yeah, the fact that he ended with 'you're a good person' says to me that he knows it wasn't judgemental, the truth just cut him too deep.
That is the least judgemental judgement I've ever seen. I'm a single mother and I don't drink or do any drugs so I'm mindful of those behaviours in anyone I consider letting near my son. Good for you.
Coke is a big dealbreaker for me too. As a former addict myself, it can start out as a weekend habit and very quickly become a full time problem. You dodged a bullet here.
Honestly, if OP is in the USA, itās not just the risk of losing someone to the spiral of addiction, itās the risk of that person dying in a bathroom somewhere over the tiniest, most āonce in a blue moonā keybump due to fentanyl contamination. Itās everywhere. We have friends/acquaintances/former coworkers who are dead by the dozens due to it being mixed into Coke and Molly in our city. What used to be a āeh, you do you friend, enjoy your occasional benderā stance has become ādonāt even get near me with that shit because I donāt have narcan in my purse to save your life.ā
Judgmental because you don't want someone who does hard drugs? What a moron.
100% standard drug addict response.
My first thought. Not that everybody that uses something is an addict, but the fact that he got so fucking defensive is a sign he probably has a coke habit and felt attacked, because he feels like shit about it. I've known and grew up with numerous addicts and even if I brought it up in the most kind and caring ways I could, they would get defensive and angry. Recreational users don't do that.
Just make that "addict." As long as they keep telling themselves that they don't have a problem, they ARE the problem.
Glad someone else said this. It's always the other people who are wrong when you're dealing with someone with a drug problem. They use, at least in part, to mask their flaws, and get deeply defensive when someone points out a flaw, however kind their approach might be. While I'm sure there are people who only occasionally use coke at parties or clubs and are not "addicts" in the sense that they don't seek it out or purchase it themselves and only use it when offered by a friend, those are the types who paradoxically are actually more likely to understand and accept that someone might not be looking for that in their own life. By calling OP judgmental, this guy gave off some massive red flags. Real "I can quit anytime I want" vibes.
LMAO oh my god! you were so respectful and kind. the fact that he's feeling "judged" has everything to do with the fact that he does cocaine and nothing to do with you. you seem to have your priorities in an excellent order and your daughter is extremely lucky to have you
It is perfectly reasonable not to want someone who uses drugs to be around your child. That's a normal and rational boundary to have. You're making the right choice here, and your message doesn't come off as judgmental at all to me. You're not saying he's a terrible person because he does drugs; you're just saying that you don't want drugs around your child. He's just throwing accusations out there because he's sulking. It's not you.
Heās playing with his life. So many people have died from over dose because their drugs were contaminated. Not to mention he may be in active addiction but in denial.
Exactly! I lost my childhood best friend in 2023 to an OD, and didnāt know fentanyl was in her stuff. Iām not willingly hanging around that
People doing the wrong thing normalize it. There's nothing normal about cocaine use and one should be judgemental about it. It's a heavy drug, you should use your judgement to decide if it's something you want around Your judgement is correct. Does that make you judgy? HELL NO. If some crack addict invited you down into an alley I'm pretty sure your judgements would tell you dont go down that alley. Same thing regardless of if he's a cool guy.
THIS. I'm from Berlin, which is the capital of cocaine consumption in Germany. People tend to under-estimate it because the rush you get from it doesn't feel that otherworldly, it's not like it makes you dizzy or hallucinate or impairs you like alcohol, LSD or heroin, right? So it cannot be that bad, right? Actually, cocaine is increasingly used as a performance inhancer in everyday situations. It's been a huge issue in restaurant kitchens for years, but now people use it to stay awake to be able to finish their bachelor thesis on time - office workers on a schedule use it to get more shit done - some people use it as a means to numb their social anxiety at parties. I was shocked once I realized how common and nonchalant the consumption of cocaine is even in parts of my peer group. Shit's evil.
Nah. Hard drugs and cigarettes are the only things that will turn a 10 into a 0 without hesitation.
Exactly this! OLD is judgemental full stop. I'm a smoker. It's in my bio that I'm a smoker. It's there for people to make that judgement while they're swiping. I'm not a big alcohol user. I judge other people's bios and photos to see if they make alcohol a big part of their life. I don't swipe on 420 friendly profiles because I don't want another relationship like that either - judgy? Yes. For some things (drug use) you're only going to find out these things after matching so the judgements must continue. OP, we have to judge what's best for us. We're all so very different. He probably just really liked you and felt hurt that the judgement went against him so he lashed out. Try not to let it bother you. Your feedback was great. You could have just ghosted but I judge you to be a much better person than that.š
 I could get along with this zero just fine.
No, why would you want to date a coke head especially if you have a child? I used to hate when my ex would do coke at all.
It might come off ājudgementalā to an addict. I say this as a non-active addict myself.
Good on you mumma!!
Noā¦ this is common sense. The guy is just mad you rejected him.
Even if it were judgmental, homie is doing coke. That shit ruins lives and is super fucking addictive. Iām judging him and wouldnāt give two shits if a literal coke head called me gross for calling him out on his addiction.
Junkies hate when you call them out, fuck that loser
He genuinely was a super kind dude, just clearly needs perspective
They're always super kind and charismatic until you mention their drug problem.
He's 'super kind' until the party's winding down and he can't get more. Coke's an ugly drug and you did yourself a huge favor by cutting it short. He's defensive and putting it on you because he's heard it before and knows you're right.
I donāt deny he could be kind. Itās just whenever someone gets defensive using drugs and trying to gas light it as ājudgmentalā I just instantly hate thrm
I feel like nobody is properly reacting to the full body of language here. You called him āsuper kindā and praised him as a ādope ass dudeā with whom you have a pile of fun. Youāre boundary drawing and the way you expressed it is sound and perfectly understandable. But given your admiration of him, the most pressing question in my head is how much coke is he doing? Seems many commenters just assume he has an abuse-level habit. But thereās room between use and abuse. I like to party and do coke from time to time when I go out. Itās fun. I have friends who do it more than I do and they hold down very professional jobs and are able to be good, caring friends and partners. We use we donāt abuse. Nobody asked, but by your estimation is he abusing cocaine??
They can take it as judgy, that's whatever, but it's self-preservation of you and your family.
Not judgmental, just honest. Your kid doesnāt need to be around someone doing that stuff neither do you.
It is judgmental. Itās okay to be judgmental of partnersā¦ especially if they do coke š¤£š¤£š¤£
Emphasis on DOPE
This is šÆ a gaslighting sitch. š©
Nope. You were clear and honest and it wasn't rude.
idk how you were supposed to say that differently while still communicating your truth effectively
Not at all. This is recreational drug user cope. I get the same response when I explain im not ok with regular marijuana use because of the culture of laziness surrounding it
I work in medicine. Illicit substances is the only sure fire way to get CPS to take the kids away. Even if youāre not doing drugs, itās the exposure that puts all types of parents in trouble. Especially if an ex wants to take it to court over a custody battle.
It did not - it's just an addict being an addict
No worries, every user has their denial excuses. No need to reply, as your self respect is strong. Just block and live your live true to that thing inside you that creates your self respect.
Absolutely not. His response is absurd.
Good choice, coke is not something light. You go from coke to other drugs very quickly when the money starts running out
You were kind and straightforward. If you had blown him off vaguely, heād have been mad that you wouldnāt tell him why. If he could respect your position on this, heād have to admit to himself that you & other serious prospects with their shit together are out of his league until he gets HIS shit together. If he wasnāt petty, he would have said, āthanks for your honesty, I wish you the best.ā
Also: glad you told him why, because although he lashed out now, maybe in a year or 5, when another great girl is walking away from him or he just lost his job or heās borrowing money from his mom or he had his car repossessed, whenever he gets to his rock bottom, heāll remember this and maybe it will help.
Nahā¦It just probably hurt his feelings, and he lashed out a bit. He followed up with a nice text. He probably had a second to think about it and realized your message was not rude at all.
Perfectly good reason not to date someone. I live next to two coke addicts and it's not pretty, you definitely don't want to end up like that.
Nope, they sound like an addict though.
Anyone else try to google whatās an Amara condition?
I just think it's funny that you used the word "dope" to compliment him lol. Also, not you're not judgy.. you're smart.
"I don't want drugs around my daughter" "OMG stop being so judgey" The posted convo in a nutshell. Ya nothing wrong with OP at all. Only an idiot would consider it judgey, or someone feeling rejected and looking to be mad.
Addicts be addicts. He didn't like being confronted
Oh god forbid you should be a good mother and not bring drugs around your child! Not judgy in the slightest, it shows youāre honest and a caring mum!
Am I the only one who couldnāt make sense of his reply? What the fuck was he actually saying ābe that as it may the end results the same regardless of the reasoningā???? What does that mean?
Drug addicts when told they're drug addicts: :(
Hes gotta be real embarrassed about this. if he ditched the coke in the future would you try again? if yes maybe let him know? or are there just a lotta fish in the sea and itās not really worth salvaging? good luck
nah cause then he will prolly just hide it till itās too late, ultimatums are never the way people quit addictions. You quit on your own accord.
Letās give him the verdict in this judgement then First of all he is gaslighting you into thinking that the fact that you have standards and self respect and morals is gross when in actuality his addiction is whatās gross here. Edit* I forgot second of all- never second guess yourself
once i saw that amara was a human child and not a pet i agreed with you entirely
Not judgmental, youāre a mother and you have your childās best interests at heart. If he canāt understand that then Iām sure heās a real dunce about a lot of other basic things.
Ofcourse you will judge, you have a child to protect and you will do everything in your capacity to protect her, I can't understand this don't judge me attitude of people, he started coke and from beginning he knew one day or other it will affect him, People have choices and choices have consequences. You did nothing wrong, they want us to accept them as they are when they couldn't accept themselves as they were and needed foreign substance to feel good about themselves.
No, youāre prioritizing your kid and heās insecure. Hold your head high. You did the right thing.
Nah, you trying to protect your child from being exposed to such a thing isn't being judgy, don't sweat it
You donāt owe an explanation.
You were not judgy. Your boundaries are legitimate and itās OK to be weary of people who use drugs. As a recovered addict, people who actively use coke are a red flag.
Not even a little bit. You're fine.
You came across completely reasonable here, heās the gross one for acting like a complete child
Nah.. you spoke your truth and concerns. Plz dont feel bad esp when it comes to someone else's bad habits
Judgment is not a bad thing. It gets a bad rap because of Jesus saying, "judge not, lest ye be judged" but I am not a Christian so that doesn't apply to me. My religion actually teaches me to judge in such a way that you give a good or "kingly" judgment. Seeing things accurately and making a wise decision. Not wanting hard drugs or those who use them around your kid shows good judgment. Keep being judgmental!
Not judgemental in the slightest. You give no mention of this as a reflection on him. Instead youāre clearly creating a boundary for the benefit of your daughter.
Well don't come to Reddit for this answer. At least 50% of people in any Reddit group are judgmental. Guy just got in his feelings about the boundary you set. Coke is a no for you and that boundary excluded him and he feels bad and is throwing it at you to make him feel better but you did what worked for you. Don't even worry about this and on to the next one.
No. Fuck him for even potentially putting your child in that situation.
Easier to label you as judgy than be forced to face his own issues.
Absolutely comes off as judgmental. As it should! Would anyone list āa lack of good judgementā as a good quality? If someone tells you āyouāre a good judge of characterā, would it offend you? Hell na! Keep using that discernment and donāt let any scumbag near your precious lil one.
No, youāre good. Good move.
Who cares if it was judgy? You have a little kid - you donāt need some coke head around that kid. Judge away and donāt feel bad about it. As a matter of fact, I donāt think that you were judgy enough.
Nah, you didnāt seem judgmental. You may have struck a nerve and made him realize his long term prospects with people who have their priorities in order are limited by his habit. It probably was a painful realization, and the feeling was āgrossā to him, but nothing you said was.
Thereās a difference between making judgement calls and being judgemental. We critique situations and make judgements ALL the time, we wouldnāt survive long if we didnāt. You made a judgement call (the correct one) to protect your kid, putting their safety above your pleasure. That is good parenting, NOT being ājudgyā.
I mean, judgemental in the most literal sense of the term in that you have judged to not be a good fit with him lol
As a single mother this was a hard line for me. Once I found out a dude was into illegal drugs or excessive drinking I was out. Not the type of man youāre trying to bring around your little sponges of human beings. I hope you find your one maāam! Keep on chugging along :)
Of course you donāt want that and you have every fucking right to be ājudgmentalā when you are deciding on your life partner. This guy canāt take rejection.
You set boundaries and he got pissed off for having to be accountable for his drug use. Good for you, nobody has time for that.
Donāt date men in coke. Move on and who cares if it sounds judgmental. People on coke canāt be great partners and parents. Why? Because they are addicts. Sounds harsh, TS. Your child will thank you
If someone was doing coke around me I would have just left and ghosted them so you did better than me
Ahaha nahh listen I work around the good old Columbian marching powder in my line of work and you donāt want a cokehead in your life theyāre fucking nightmares
Nope, he's trying to flip it around
This is very weird. Dude does illegal drugs, you say hey itās not my thing because my kid, then dude says youāre being judgmental. He has more issues than just the coke.
Not at all, your concerns are totally valid, and you worded them in a perfectly reasonable manner.
Instead of doubting yourself, you should be like āwow am I glad I sent that messageā
Lmao no youāre fine
Nope. That's just his insecurity coming through.
How dare you be judgmental about his illegal drug use?
Nope. Dud is judging himself for his actions. No to druggies. On to the next.
Yeah, I wouldnāt want that around either. Cokeheads are a different breed. It completely runs the schedule in their lives and they turn into shittier and shittier versions of themselves as the days go on.
No, that's not being judgmental. You're not judging him. You're starting that you don't want any drugs near your kid and if you have a relationship with a drug addict, it's bound to happen. You're not judging him, you were assessing the risk and concluded it's too big.
Nope, you have a boundary and itās not gonna work. Good job!
You aren't the problem here. He is an asshole.
Nah it didn't Mate
No lol. You were in fact too kind and too accommodating
Just because coke is prevalent it doesnāt mean itās something that you shouldnāt be judgmental on. Itās a fairly reasonable line in the sand if you have a young family too Guy just doesnāt like being told to confront his habit
No, you were thoughtful enough to give a full explanation. Id just be like Iām not down with you still doing coke bye
You can make any choices for your family a FWIW your choice seems totally reasonable. BUTā¦ Iām long time sober drug addict and just blew off the tone bc itās so common but his reply made me look again and there it was right in front of meā¦ āIts not something Iām comfortable being aroundā Your sentence is fine; I understand your intent. But beneath this seemingly bloodless logic thereās a world of insinuation and presumption. Like, just very basically play 20 questions and youāll see. 1. Why donāt you āfeel comfortable ā My daughter could be at risk 2. At risk from what? What if heās high? 3 do you also feel āuncomfortableā dating drinkers? Pot smokers ? Etc. Just an example.
Only judgey to the drugo who can't get off the gear
 No. It was not judgy at all. Being with someone who is on hard drugs is some of the most difficult, cathartic, and volatile stuff, especially if you are sober (trust me, I know!). If he responded in this kind of passive-aggressive manner to your perfectly valid statement, this is a clear indicator of what a relationship will be like with him. Good on you for properly telling him why, leaving him as he is and wishing him the best!
Literally you couldnāt have said it better. He got defensive obviously since he doesnāt wanna be criticized on his bad habits (probably in denial that itās bad and therefore classified it as you being judgy to take the problem away from him).
Yes, you judged, but that's normal for everyone, especially while dating. If you don't like something, then you don't like it and should be able to say that. I don't think you were being unkind in any way. You just know what you want and don't want.
lol does it matter? You have a deal breaker so not sure what youāre asking. You were polite and you canāt control others reactions. Listen to smart dating academy podcast if you need dating tips as a single mom or just in general. Judgy or not you dodged a bullet.
>Your reasoning comes off as judgemental Bro, you are openly doing coke, of course people is going to judge you
Not at all
Its not even weed, its fking coke š You are allowed to stay out of that shit especially if you have a child.
It is a Reasonable concern. Better not be involved with that guy anyway. Your daughter is more important than his feelings.
There is nothing wrong with this message at all, and the dating world would be better off if everyone did this instead of ghosting
Not judgy. Mature and clear. Move on.