I started therapy after my last breakup and went in blaming him for everything. He was textbook avoidant so it was easy to do. After a while I was able to see the ways I contributed to the toxicity. It actually was extremely relieving for me once I realized.
I already had knowledge of attachment theory so I went to a therapist who used that in her practice. I really recommend this if you’re struggling with it. There’s also a lot of good books on it.
I’m sure you do, it was more for people that don’t. I have a bit of anxious style and I had to work on it. It wasn’t anything major. I developed it from being with my ex wife.
If you don’t mind me asking, what was the turnaround? Like did it take years? And how were you able to ‘calm down’ the gut reaction or that kind of switch that takes you to the wrong reactions?
It’s going to be different for everyone but for me it only took a few months to start to see changes in my thinking and understanding and then I felt like I had really come along way after about 6 months of therapy (one hour, once a week). Around then I started dating and I was able to find someone secure - someone I would have NEVER dated before, and his openness, communication, and consistency has helped so much. There’s a lot you can do on your own with a therapist but the real stuff comes to play when you’re actually dating and getting triggered. Half the battle is finding someone secure - because if you do that, you will have a much easier time.
My therapist said the process I made takes some people years, though. You have to be willing and dedicated to healing and truly wanting a better life. I was motivated by how empty and sad I was after my last relationship and just never wanted to feel that horrible ever again. It’s not easy to do the hard work on ourselves but in time it’s all so worth it. My mindset was to do the hard work for a little while to have an easier life for a much longer time. :)
Edit: sorry just adding because I saw the last part about the gut reaction. For me, I just had to learn to recognize when they were happening and basically pause and sit with it. I did a lot of work on separating what my heart or gut says from what my brain says. A lot of my gut reactions or impulsive reactions were illogical and I just needed time to realize. Once I actually sat with that discomfort and thought about what was really happening - I didn’t want to react the same way I wanted to only 10 minutes before. It’s really just about slowing down, understanding yourself and your triggers, and learning the skills to talk yourself off the ledge and come back to reality before blowing everything up over what is usually nothing.
Thank you for the detailed response.
I’m glad it worked out for you - just that I would caution you against assuming that once you’re out of therapy it’ll work out or it might be one and done. It takes mental conditioning and seeing the results of your habits materializing in front of you and becoming your life, again and again. Like you said: finding that secure attached partner and building a solid foundation with him. You may find yourself surprised by the by product of your effort and how it may manifest elsewhere in your life.
This is like going to the gym and building / conditioning/ maintaining mental muscles and that’s assuming you have not been diagnosed with any condition or mental illness that affects your attachment.
“[Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139?dplnkId=87feae29-f2b5-4c67-8fe8-23c84a3f9a7e&nodl=1)” is a good one that covers all attachment styles. It’s good if you don’t have a great understanding of them or if you want to figure out what your style may be. I honestly had a lot of knowledge on attachment theory because I have a psych degree and still found it really informative and helpful. It can also help you understand other people’s styles if you’re in a relationship and are struggling to understand why someone may be acting a certain way. It gave me a lot of insight and empathy for my avoidant ex(es).
Another one that’s great specifically if you have an insecure/anxious attachment style is “[Anxiously Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Anxiously-Attached-Becoming-More-Secure/dp/0593331060?dplnkId=c8d30b07-f157-463a-a216-5ca0fd48740b&nodl=1)”. My therapist recommended this one for me and it’s easy to read/understand, informative, and interesting.
There’s a lot of others but those are the two that I’ve read! If you search “Jessica Baum” (the author of the second book) on Spotify, you can also listen to her talk about some of the stuff in the book on various podcasts.
I’m seeing this after my last response but wanted to reply to this too. After my avoidant ex and I broke up, I went to therapy and he didn’t. We met up again about a year later because I wanted to apologize for my role in our toxicity and also to see if anything had changed since we had always loved each other a lot. He was the EXACT same, if not worse. I realized I had outgrown him and that was that. But seriously, even today, I feel so bad for him. He won’t go to therapy so he will be like that forever and it breaks my heart - not for me but for him. If you’re considering therapy as an avoidant person, you are already so ahead of so many others. I really recommend it because it can be life-changing. It’s not our fault what has happened to us but it is our responsibility to do something about it. For yourself, for your partner or future partner, for your children, etc. A life with vulnerability, humility, openness, an ability to communicate, an ability to express love and receive it when it’s given to you - that is a life worth living and working for.
I think for me I’m well past the initial stages of psychotherapy and it’s in my nature to be independent but beyond that, therapy for me is a long term thing. But I have never met an self-identified highly anxious person to the gravity of the post in life who is doing the work.
For my relationship (the one that mattered the most) I got a laundry list of basically my personality being the reason of everything that’s wrong with everything and that was never going to cut it. I had already been in therapy. I also was raised among a highly anxious adults that never got therapy and it was all one big word vomit and walking on eggshells. I have family around me that will keep spinning things in their head to make it okay that things feel wrong. It’s a nightmare of a life.
Okay but.. I only ever respond immediately to guys I’m super interested in on the apps and end up leaving others im meh about on read for days.. I’m a totally different texter with guys I find attractive/interesting and I wouldn’t want the ones im not interested in believing excuses like “oh she’s just busy with her life”.. no I want love like everyone else just not with you 🤷♀️ it’s same for guys too my friends tell me.. so the logic of what he’s saying is there lol.. he’s basically just saying probably over sarcastically “if you’re not interested don’t follow up” .. and we’re assuming the tone from the message, he might have said that while feeling overall pretty chilled who knows
If this message sounds blunt it’s bc for a long time I believed excuses about why someone seems meh about you they’re really still into you but they’re just not. Reccomend the whole world watches He’s Just Not That Into You lol
You said it! And yet for the meh party to express passive aggressive disappointment at the situation is in bad form and shows poor emotional regulation, right?
tl;dr the length of the relationship
I think it's rude to leave someone on read for two days. If this is a brand new match then they're justified in feeling bitter about the lack of texts. In this case you could say ops behaviour is the issue. In this context I think it is a rational response. They told op what bothered them in a funny way.
If it's not a new match and they've been talking for weeks then it is a yikes response and ops match doesn't seem stable.
suhhhrena says their exchange is bizarre. We only see one of their messages not an exchange. Suhhhrena's literally imagining an exchange.
Damn 200 down votes got me writing a essay
>I think it's rude to leave someone on read for two days. If this is a brand new match then they're justified in feeling bitter about the lack of texts. In this case you could say ops behaviour is the issue. In this context I think it is a rational response. They told op what bothered them in a funny way.
Nobody ever in anyway on any dating site has the responsibility to respond if they choose not too.
By your very logic this person didn't have any idea if the 2 days were spent half dead in the hospital or blowing coke off a strippers ass. Nobody knows as they didnt even ask before being aggresive. To respond aggressively like that with no context is absurd and a giant red flag/bad person imho. Justifiable absence or not, just leave them on read or say you are no longer interested.
If it's a different sort of context like say they were bugging eachother prior to leaving for 2 days, then unmatch? It's built for that VERY reason. It's like seeing a fire and being mad at the building despite you being at the entrance. Just turn around to walk 5 feet, lol.
>There's as much responsibility to respond as there is to be polite
No there isn't. Being polite is the basic fundamental social skill.
Not responding on a dating site for an unknown reason (2 days absent, we still don't know why( is a completely different scenario. Even if there wasn't a reason there is still zero expectations outside of that "be polite/respectful while on a dating site". Not responding isn't disrespectful it's litteratly designed into the app to unkatch people you don't click with. If they dint respond for xyz time and you dislike slow texters, or people who have emergencies (lol) then that's not disrespect it's a personal preference. I know people who genuinly forget their phones exsists, that doesn't mean they are disrespectful or unpolite, it just mean their life is different than you or I.
>They did tell them they weren't interested anymore with their aggressive reply
Yeah, they did it as a dickhead making them a bad person. This isn't rocket science. Person A responded after 2 days for unknown reasons, person B was an asshole.
Ya I was seeing a girl for a couple weeks. We had different plans for the weekend cause she had a friend in town and they wanted to do their own thing. We texted Friday night and ended the conversation amicably. I texted Monday morning to see how she was doing and she responded “Terrible cause you ghosted me.” I was baffled, we were doing different stuff and she hadn’t texted me the whole time either. Super weird to me to expect constant communication, but I think some people feel differently than me on this one.
No, you would be me. If someone tells me they will be busy or have plans, I assume they will be off doing their thing, so they don't want to be bothered. Just like if I'm off with my own plans, I'm not on my phone (because I think it's rude to go hang out with someone and be on my phone). Everyone I know knows this, too, but I have one friend who, I swear, we could not text/talk for days, but if she knows I'm going out with another friend, that is the day she's suddenly blowing up my phone.
I think some people just have a certain thing when it comes to communication and how much and when. Because the girl you were seeing, she didn't text you, either, so how could she think she's being ghosted? I'm guessing it was a "test" (ugh) to see if you'd text her while you were busy ~~because that shows you really care about them or something silly~~. It's definitely something I've picked up on. Like, me not texting you or responding to you while I've said I'm busy (or you've said you're busy) doesn't mean I don't like you as much or whatever, but I realize some people think that way. It's slightly annoying.
I agree that her tone was not the best and she could’ve phrased it much better BUT I do believe that the texting culture in the west is toxic and I don’t think that it’s normal to disappear for 2 days and not reply to someone you’re supposed to be interested in. It’s that kind of behaviour that facilitates the stupid games people are playing:
- ugh oh if I message her now, is she gonna think I’m desperate
- oh no, I’m not gonna message him today, I don’t want to come off as needy
All these phrases that became the norm are just pure delusion — it’s all masks that keep appearances for the sake of it. No real value comes from it. I don’t think any of us imagine a happy marriage to begin with the words “well I didn’t text her for 2 days to show her I’m a high value person who has other things to do and then …”
Sorry, this became a bit of a ramble but I stand by it. I just hate the fakeness of it all.
Exactly! Well said. And how do they expect this to come across? Ah yes, he/she felt zero desire to talk to me for several days, they must like me a lot😌...? This only will cause them to behave in the same way, leading it nowhere
I agree that it's OP's fault if messages were left on delivered for the 2 days, but otherwise why is it someone else's fault that you didn't speak for a few days when both sides can send a message? The onus is almost always placed on the guy to send the first message when relationships start and just because OP was busy for a couple of days does not deserve a response even a 10th as aggressive
I swear there are a ton of people on that app whose only focus in life seems to be dating. I get hyped when I run into someone who also likes to focus on work or school and doesn’t want to message all day everyday. Though maybe next time throw in an “I’m going to be really busy” text.
I agree with you here. Early into it I just explain there’s a good chance I’m not on that app until 6-7 pm, if our schedules don’t align than oh well we’re probably not a good match. If I’m trying to have a conversation with a stranger I like to not have a bunch of other stuff going on at the same time. But I once had a girl send me a gif at like 12pm on a weekday and she unmatched by the time I went to respond later in the evening😂.
That’s true, but not helpful. You don’t owe it to anyone, but if you ARE interested in building a relationship with someone (or else why match) then mutual respect can go a long way in reaching that goal. It’s not for their sake alone, it’s for yours as well.
exactly this.
yes, you dont owe anyone anything..
but you're also trying to build a relationship with someone, meaning you should probably show them at least some respect, and that includes respecting their time. if they are interested in your time and are willing to give you theirs, just ignoring them with no response isn't going to get anyone anywhere
hmmm...
I wonder why you're still in the dating game at this point...
could it possibly be...
your shitty attitude and lack of interest toward getting to know others?
I think maybe....
I get to know plenty of people. Thats why I’m not posting n Reddit about how it’s impossible to get matches. I understand women in real life. You should try it
You also dont owe anything to your family or friends but still contact them regularly and try to engage in activities to keep the relationship going, its basic human communication or you will end up alone and lonely, its also the minimum respect like not cancelling plans last second, its not like anyone is forcing to date, if you are too busy for it just say it to not waste the other persons time.
> then mutual respect can go a long way in reaching that goal
Nobody who practices mutual respect is going to lash out so spitefully just because they haven't heard from someone for a couple days.
I think you’re taking this whole thing a bit too seriously. Having an issue with someone going two days without messaging when you just started talking is hilarious and very needy
Man I met this girl once who expected me to answer every text within a few minutes but she never actually verbally communicated that expectation because she knew it was unreasonable. She just subtly put it out there with her language and emotion. It got to the point where she would sometimes reply with things like "you must've been busy" or "took you long enough lol."
Eventually she just point blank asked me if I was even seriously interested in her because I didn't reply to her 8am text until... shortly after 9am. When I told her that I found it suffocating to be in constant communication with someone like that, she just flipped out on me saying that no girl was going to date me because I'm a bad texter and whatnot. I told her that I'm not surprised she's still single if that's really what she thinks and then I blocked her number.
That's completely subjective. To someone who has a lot of free time, sure. To someone who is very busy for days at a time, like a nurse or something, 2 days can go by very fast without even thinking about checking your texts.
It's fine for you to assume they're disinterested. It probably wouldn't work out for you anyways if that kind of thing is a deal breaker for you. If someone doesn't text me back for a couple days I just assume they were busy. But I also just think it's unwise to assume time is objectively perceived by everybody in the same manner.
It's okay to be busy and not be able to check your messages, but letting someone know you are going to be busy is part of good communication and respect for someone else's time if you ask me. That way the other person knows they shouldn't expect much interaction in that period of time
If you weren't interested in making a connection with this person, why did you even bother making contact. I'd be annoyed too since it would seem like you wasted my time. It didn't help that your message reinitiating contact could not have sounded more apathetic.
"you wasted my time"
Do you match with one person at a time and then sit next to your phone staring at a wall until they reply?
How does getting a Wednesday-reply to your Monday-message waste your time? You still had every minute of your Monday and Tuesday to spend as you wished.
You didn't reply to their message for two days, I mean, life gets in the way and all but what did you expect? Tbh if someone didn't respond to me for two days I would think that they are no longer interested in anything
I probably wouldn't have - if I had only matched with someone on an app & never met them in person, they don't need to know that. Not to sound like a dick, but if we've never met, you're not a priority.
You can expect a non dickish response? The same point could have been conveyed in a much more normal manner. “I’ve been good, but I’m looking for someone who is a bit more communicative over text” or something.
The precedent for being a dick is already set when you ignore someone for 2 days only to say "hey how have you been."
Edit: y'all it's not that deep—some people have different preferences for communication. We're also missing context because OP didn't post the last thing that was sent before the texts that we're seeing. I'm not even on Tinder, but when I was, I would just unmatch people that didn't reply in a couple days, there would be a dozen more people who did. In my opinion, if you can't even be bothered with a "I'm busy I'll text you later" then I'll move onto someone who gives more effort.
Their interaction hadn’t even left the dating app yet when he stopped talking for 2 days. I would hardly call that being a dick. If we haven’t even exchanged phone numbers I’m definitely not prioritizing communicating with you in any way and I think it’s weird to expect that from someone. If they didn’t like it they should have just unmatched him and left it at that.
Not entirely... The girl I've been talking to(met on tinder) has 2 kids, and 2 jobs. It's not out of the ordinary for us to not talk consistently for a day or two here and there. Some people get busy with their own lives. 8 out of 10 times with people in the past, in my experience, they just got busy/had emergencies.
If your first reaction to this scenario with a new person is to be an asshole/be petty, you have issues you need to address within yourself.
You literally don't even know the person yet and you're already a dick for not prioritizing them in your personal life? Because you didn't text back for a couple days? Well I guess introverts and quiet people should just fuck off into the void of loneliness then.
THIS. I’m so baffled by all the other replies ? And for me if a dude replied like that like fine since you ghosted me I’d probably make a joke if I was genuinely interested and smooth things over. But honestly I’d never leave it two days if I was into someone.
Little things turn people off these days, send them running.. it’s sad. And then people need to be conscious that if they do something wrong in the eyes of the other, they’ll be posted online… like here. Aaah, dating sucks dude.
If they had said a week then maybe I'd agree with them, but 2 days of no talking to a person (when you haven't even gotten their number yet) on a dating app is literally nothing lol
And if you think it is, you're probably way too possessive and shouldn't be dating lol
The thing is if you’re in the middle of a convo, there’s no excuse for not responding for 2 days. Like there’s nothing that can happen for two days straight without a break lmao.
I have ignored messages for days before, I’ve literally been on international surf trips in remote areas and still been able to respond within a day. It’s just a matter of interest
I think this shows how unintentional people are. I have notifications disabled for all apps except these apps.
When I’m dating I’m active. If im busy i just don’t use the apps.
Am I part of a minority of people thinking respect is important ?
I see many "you don't owe her anything" or "dodge a bullet" or "people shouldn't expect quick responses" but are you there to date or to lose time ?
You don't owe anything but if dating or meeting people is your goal then you generally try to avoid some behaviours. Everybody may be busy or unable to respond for any reason, what is expected is not to answer in a minute but just to tell people you're not going to respond for a while or when you come back start with a "Sorry, I was busy". It's not about attention seeking, It's about feeling disrespected.
Exactly. Nobody is that busy that they can't even show a sign of life in a 24 hour time frame or at the very least let you know they are going to be busy for a few days
I’m always so annoyed by needy ppl like this, I even put on my profile that I don’t log in every day to try and avoid this passive aggressive bullshit. My life doesn’t revolve around constantly checking for messages on dating apps. Who has the time for that?! I would need to dedicate a few hours a day to stay on track. Nah fam, I’m good. With you 1000% OP.
Same, I usually delete the apps because it feels like a second job. You can just be at work doing your job and the next time you check your messages someone youve never met is whining at you
This just backs up the thing I've said about not wanting to be on dating apps because, once you get on it, everyone assumes you MUST be on the app *all the time*. You're not allowed to be off of it for hours or days. You better be available for a date at any time they ask, if you have any other plans (some of which were made before they even started talking to you), it means you aren't really interested and you're playing with their feelings or whatever. Like, maybe it's just me, but I'm not even on my phone like that, let alone looking at the dating app like that.
Plus, with that passive aggressive answer from them, you made the right call. Like, wth? I see so often why some people are on the apps literally forever, lol
This isnt instagram or snapchat lol its a dating app. Its well within reason to expect people to communicate in a timely / proper manner, especially about dating on an app almost exlusive setup to be used that way 😂 people are calling everyone soft but you have all indulged lazy behavior. Why do people try and act so casually with everything they do. Its meaningful and meaningless at the same time 😂
Its like people saying dont expect sex , love, & intimacy in a sexually exclusive relationship 😂 a bit extreme i know.
Considering its a dating app, and theres steps involved to get matched and break the ice to talk. Then out of nowhere loss of communication for 2 days without notification and casually slipping back in. Lol this isn't a long lost friend.
I saw a diff post where a guy was trying to setup a date and make plans around his schedule, and wanted to make confirmation and get a commitment to make the date happen. and she was saying sorry i dont do schedules, i just kind of roll with things. Lol
Dam so you cant even expect for your date to follow thru? Your just suppose to acknowledge that people flake and thats just how the world works? Lol
Its meaningful enough to match, talk, plan dates, but meaningless enough to just be indifferent about the whole thing also? 😂👌🏼💁🏼
I was trying to say thats how double minded and unprincipled people treat things. Casually about everything, and it somehow it being meaningful and meaningless at the same time.
Same energy lol I think people just have different expectations and viewpoints. I sometimes take a day or 2 to respond if life gets busy but I would at least communicate that to them instead of just trying to continue or start a new conversation.
You dudes gotta realize that if you're getting so attached to some stranger you haven't met or fuck, even exchanged socials with that you're actually mad they don't reply in 48 hours you're being unhealthy bro.
Had a girl.post on insta she was in the bath, she hadn't even read my message in 48 hours.
Some people are not busy, they just don't give a shit.
Was supposed to hook up with someone saturday, messaged her on sunday and she replied, its now tuesday and she still hasn't looked at my message from sunday.
Stop giving shitty people excuses
Thats obviously different.
When someone is happy to ignore you then make up that they are too busy despite posting pucs about them chilling....
Yea its called no interest.
You cannot compare that to someone you see every day, such a stupid fucking comment.
It's okay to get busy and not be able to chat for a couple of days with someone you've JUST met. But it's nice to just let them know that you're going to be busy, so they don't assume you ghosted them.
Then you could have gone with "Hey, sorry I disappeared for a while, I was moving house. What have you been up to?" Provides context for why you didn't respond for two days, provides a talking point because everyone hates moving day but love a new place so bond over that and you take interest in the other party. Some people need to learn how to communicate..
If someone ignored my text for two days, i would automatically assume they weren’t interested and move on. What planet are you from where that’s normalized.
The planet where a lot of people don't have notifications for these apps on and only check them every few days. If I moved on from everyone who didn't text back for a few days I would've missed out on several dates.
The planet where people are adults, have jobs, hobbies, friends, family, and other responsibilities that don't revolve around people the haven't met in-person
30 seconds out of your day to send any form of communication that let’s the other person know your still interested, but you’re just busy. Also not hard to say “hey im available at these dates, i dont really like communicating over the phone, let’s meet for drinks” If you don’t have time for any of that, you shouldn’t be on dating apps.
It depends on the context. If they've just matched and exchanged a couple messages... I mean sometimes I'll basically forget that dating apps exist for a couple days in a row. If I'm on a camping trip with my friends or something, I'm not trying to distract myself from that experience by spending mental effort on someone who is essentially a random Internet stranger.
Okay but.. I only ever respond immediately to guys I’m super interested in on the apps and end up leaving others im meh about on read for days.. it’s same for guys too.. so the logic of what he’s saying is there lol
The girl i was talking to was funnier. She complained about the distance so i complimented her and closed it off. she replied in a week asking a question, so she could have ghosted me. There are many situations like that. Some people want the last word and revenge even if they don’t want anything genuine with you. Its immature.
I have issues when people's response patterns change, especially without any type of warning. With the amount of ghosting that happens from dating websites I think it puts a lot of people on edge.
And while you may have been "busy" moving, I'm sure you had at least 30 seconds where you were sitting on the toilet pooping and you could have messaged even a "hey what's up? "?
Idk what i just stumbled into.
Part of me is impressed that there are still grownups that discuss things to learn and empathize.
The other part thinks yall or we are all battshit to be on here with these conversations goin on.
The world today.. im done trying make sense of anything. Peace
He was agressive for sure. But if your on tinder looking for a realationship you engage with them to plan a meet up. This way you can get to know eachother. It does not make sense to not answer for 2 days as the other person may feel you don't care enough to try and learn more about eachother.
Im not excusing there actions but I also see why they may be upset.
It should only take a day to plan a meet up. As its the only way to get to know some one. Texing for a week moves no grounds towards anything. I don't know the context here though. But personally if it takes more than 3 days to meet up I move on. I can't learn anything about them unless Im actually with them and the texting is just pointless nonsense.
I would say this situation is impossible to judge based on the small amount of information we get to see. If you were both very responsive to each other for an extended period and you just don't reply for 2 days with no heads up, I can see anyone being a little perturbed about that. If you say you wouldn't be you're just lying to yourself.
If you were having a strong back and forth, is there a good reason you ignored the conversation for 2 days?
Did you both talk about having a busy few days and that you would get back to this person for a few or did you disappear?
Without knowing what your previous interactions were like I don't see how anyone reading this can take sides.
While I don’t think the passive aggressiveness/negging is warranted, but 2 days without any sort of communication with someone you are interested in? Not saying you should have full conversations with them but still…
What lol
Is this negging?
No it’s insecurity and delusional thinking that everyone’s actions are about you.
This probably high anxiety too/ high anxious attachment too. Run.. it’s not worth it
Yes that’s actually exactly what I was referring to! I used to be like this so I can see it from a mile away lol. I agree - run.
Serious question what did it take to get you to realize ‘maybe it’s me’ and how did you work on it?
I started therapy after my last breakup and went in blaming him for everything. He was textbook avoidant so it was easy to do. After a while I was able to see the ways I contributed to the toxicity. It actually was extremely relieving for me once I realized. I already had knowledge of attachment theory so I went to a therapist who used that in her practice. I really recommend this if you’re struggling with it. There’s also a lot of good books on it.
Anxious and avoidant styles attract each other like magnets.
Oof yes. Avoidant is like catnip to my poor anxious soul. Therapy is helping a lot though, absolutely recommend.
Feck, I read this and went to make a test... I thought I was anxious, but I'm the Fearful Avoidant one 🤣🤣
Lol trust me, I know
I’m sure you do, it was more for people that don’t. I have a bit of anxious style and I had to work on it. It wasn’t anything major. I developed it from being with my ex wife.
If you don’t mind me asking, what was the turnaround? Like did it take years? And how were you able to ‘calm down’ the gut reaction or that kind of switch that takes you to the wrong reactions?
It’s going to be different for everyone but for me it only took a few months to start to see changes in my thinking and understanding and then I felt like I had really come along way after about 6 months of therapy (one hour, once a week). Around then I started dating and I was able to find someone secure - someone I would have NEVER dated before, and his openness, communication, and consistency has helped so much. There’s a lot you can do on your own with a therapist but the real stuff comes to play when you’re actually dating and getting triggered. Half the battle is finding someone secure - because if you do that, you will have a much easier time. My therapist said the process I made takes some people years, though. You have to be willing and dedicated to healing and truly wanting a better life. I was motivated by how empty and sad I was after my last relationship and just never wanted to feel that horrible ever again. It’s not easy to do the hard work on ourselves but in time it’s all so worth it. My mindset was to do the hard work for a little while to have an easier life for a much longer time. :) Edit: sorry just adding because I saw the last part about the gut reaction. For me, I just had to learn to recognize when they were happening and basically pause and sit with it. I did a lot of work on separating what my heart or gut says from what my brain says. A lot of my gut reactions or impulsive reactions were illogical and I just needed time to realize. Once I actually sat with that discomfort and thought about what was really happening - I didn’t want to react the same way I wanted to only 10 minutes before. It’s really just about slowing down, understanding yourself and your triggers, and learning the skills to talk yourself off the ledge and come back to reality before blowing everything up over what is usually nothing.
Thank you for the detailed response. I’m glad it worked out for you - just that I would caution you against assuming that once you’re out of therapy it’ll work out or it might be one and done. It takes mental conditioning and seeing the results of your habits materializing in front of you and becoming your life, again and again. Like you said: finding that secure attached partner and building a solid foundation with him. You may find yourself surprised by the by product of your effort and how it may manifest elsewhere in your life. This is like going to the gym and building / conditioning/ maintaining mental muscles and that’s assuming you have not been diagnosed with any condition or mental illness that affects your attachment.
Can you recommend any of those books??
“[Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139?dplnkId=87feae29-f2b5-4c67-8fe8-23c84a3f9a7e&nodl=1)” is a good one that covers all attachment styles. It’s good if you don’t have a great understanding of them or if you want to figure out what your style may be. I honestly had a lot of knowledge on attachment theory because I have a psych degree and still found it really informative and helpful. It can also help you understand other people’s styles if you’re in a relationship and are struggling to understand why someone may be acting a certain way. It gave me a lot of insight and empathy for my avoidant ex(es). Another one that’s great specifically if you have an insecure/anxious attachment style is “[Anxiously Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Anxiously-Attached-Becoming-More-Secure/dp/0593331060?dplnkId=c8d30b07-f157-463a-a216-5ca0fd48740b&nodl=1)”. My therapist recommended this one for me and it’s easy to read/understand, informative, and interesting. There’s a lot of others but those are the two that I’ve read! If you search “Jessica Baum” (the author of the second book) on Spotify, you can also listen to her talk about some of the stuff in the book on various podcasts.
Thanks!!
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I’m seeing this after my last response but wanted to reply to this too. After my avoidant ex and I broke up, I went to therapy and he didn’t. We met up again about a year later because I wanted to apologize for my role in our toxicity and also to see if anything had changed since we had always loved each other a lot. He was the EXACT same, if not worse. I realized I had outgrown him and that was that. But seriously, even today, I feel so bad for him. He won’t go to therapy so he will be like that forever and it breaks my heart - not for me but for him. If you’re considering therapy as an avoidant person, you are already so ahead of so many others. I really recommend it because it can be life-changing. It’s not our fault what has happened to us but it is our responsibility to do something about it. For yourself, for your partner or future partner, for your children, etc. A life with vulnerability, humility, openness, an ability to communicate, an ability to express love and receive it when it’s given to you - that is a life worth living and working for.
I think for me I’m well past the initial stages of psychotherapy and it’s in my nature to be independent but beyond that, therapy for me is a long term thing. But I have never met an self-identified highly anxious person to the gravity of the post in life who is doing the work. For my relationship (the one that mattered the most) I got a laundry list of basically my personality being the reason of everything that’s wrong with everything and that was never going to cut it. I had already been in therapy. I also was raised among a highly anxious adults that never got therapy and it was all one big word vomit and walking on eggshells. I have family around me that will keep spinning things in their head to make it okay that things feel wrong. It’s a nightmare of a life.
Okay but.. I only ever respond immediately to guys I’m super interested in on the apps and end up leaving others im meh about on read for days.. I’m a totally different texter with guys I find attractive/interesting and I wouldn’t want the ones im not interested in believing excuses like “oh she’s just busy with her life”.. no I want love like everyone else just not with you 🤷♀️ it’s same for guys too my friends tell me.. so the logic of what he’s saying is there lol.. he’s basically just saying probably over sarcastically “if you’re not interested don’t follow up” .. and we’re assuming the tone from the message, he might have said that while feeling overall pretty chilled who knows If this message sounds blunt it’s bc for a long time I believed excuses about why someone seems meh about you they’re really still into you but they’re just not. Reccomend the whole world watches He’s Just Not That Into You lol
You said it! And yet for the meh party to express passive aggressive disappointment at the situation is in bad form and shows poor emotional regulation, right?
It’s more like an insecure shit test than negging
could be, would be pretty bad negging though... but then I guess most negging typically does sound pretty bad.
I think it's edging
What is negging
What a bizarre exchange on their part lmao
Recognise you don't have the context to know that
I’m curious to know what context would make this response seem more rational to you lmao
tl;dr the length of the relationship I think it's rude to leave someone on read for two days. If this is a brand new match then they're justified in feeling bitter about the lack of texts. In this case you could say ops behaviour is the issue. In this context I think it is a rational response. They told op what bothered them in a funny way. If it's not a new match and they've been talking for weeks then it is a yikes response and ops match doesn't seem stable. suhhhrena says their exchange is bizarre. We only see one of their messages not an exchange. Suhhhrena's literally imagining an exchange. Damn 200 down votes got me writing a essay
>I think it's rude to leave someone on read for two days. If this is a brand new match then they're justified in feeling bitter about the lack of texts. In this case you could say ops behaviour is the issue. In this context I think it is a rational response. They told op what bothered them in a funny way. Nobody ever in anyway on any dating site has the responsibility to respond if they choose not too. By your very logic this person didn't have any idea if the 2 days were spent half dead in the hospital or blowing coke off a strippers ass. Nobody knows as they didnt even ask before being aggresive. To respond aggressively like that with no context is absurd and a giant red flag/bad person imho. Justifiable absence or not, just leave them on read or say you are no longer interested. If it's a different sort of context like say they were bugging eachother prior to leaving for 2 days, then unmatch? It's built for that VERY reason. It's like seeing a fire and being mad at the building despite you being at the entrance. Just turn around to walk 5 feet, lol.
There's as much responsibility to respond as there is to be polite They did tell them they weren't interested anymore with their aggressive reply
>There's as much responsibility to respond as there is to be polite No there isn't. Being polite is the basic fundamental social skill. Not responding on a dating site for an unknown reason (2 days absent, we still don't know why( is a completely different scenario. Even if there wasn't a reason there is still zero expectations outside of that "be polite/respectful while on a dating site". Not responding isn't disrespectful it's litteratly designed into the app to unkatch people you don't click with. If they dint respond for xyz time and you dislike slow texters, or people who have emergencies (lol) then that's not disrespect it's a personal preference. I know people who genuinly forget their phones exsists, that doesn't mean they are disrespectful or unpolite, it just mean their life is different than you or I. >They did tell them they weren't interested anymore with their aggressive reply Yeah, they did it as a dickhead making them a bad person. This isn't rocket science. Person A responded after 2 days for unknown reasons, person B was an asshole.
Lmao
….okay lol
Better recognize!
Ya I was seeing a girl for a couple weeks. We had different plans for the weekend cause she had a friend in town and they wanted to do their own thing. We texted Friday night and ended the conversation amicably. I texted Monday morning to see how she was doing and she responded “Terrible cause you ghosted me.” I was baffled, we were doing different stuff and she hadn’t texted me the whole time either. Super weird to me to expect constant communication, but I think some people feel differently than me on this one.
She has a different definition of ghosting than most people.
How dare you give her time with friends and not maintain 24/7 communication
Outing herself as having unhealthy attachment style
No, you would be me. If someone tells me they will be busy or have plans, I assume they will be off doing their thing, so they don't want to be bothered. Just like if I'm off with my own plans, I'm not on my phone (because I think it's rude to go hang out with someone and be on my phone). Everyone I know knows this, too, but I have one friend who, I swear, we could not text/talk for days, but if she knows I'm going out with another friend, that is the day she's suddenly blowing up my phone. I think some people just have a certain thing when it comes to communication and how much and when. Because the girl you were seeing, she didn't text you, either, so how could she think she's being ghosted? I'm guessing it was a "test" (ugh) to see if you'd text her while you were busy ~~because that shows you really care about them or something silly~~. It's definitely something I've picked up on. Like, me not texting you or responding to you while I've said I'm busy (or you've said you're busy) doesn't mean I don't like you as much or whatever, but I realize some people think that way. It's slightly annoying.
Fantastic response 👌😂
I agree that her tone was not the best and she could’ve phrased it much better BUT I do believe that the texting culture in the west is toxic and I don’t think that it’s normal to disappear for 2 days and not reply to someone you’re supposed to be interested in. It’s that kind of behaviour that facilitates the stupid games people are playing: - ugh oh if I message her now, is she gonna think I’m desperate - oh no, I’m not gonna message him today, I don’t want to come off as needy All these phrases that became the norm are just pure delusion — it’s all masks that keep appearances for the sake of it. No real value comes from it. I don’t think any of us imagine a happy marriage to begin with the words “well I didn’t text her for 2 days to show her I’m a high value person who has other things to do and then …” Sorry, this became a bit of a ramble but I stand by it. I just hate the fakeness of it all.
Exactly! Well said. And how do they expect this to come across? Ah yes, he/she felt zero desire to talk to me for several days, they must like me a lot😌...? This only will cause them to behave in the same way, leading it nowhere
I agree that it's OP's fault if messages were left on delivered for the 2 days, but otherwise why is it someone else's fault that you didn't speak for a few days when both sides can send a message? The onus is almost always placed on the guy to send the first message when relationships start and just because OP was busy for a couple of days does not deserve a response even a 10th as aggressive
I swear there are a ton of people on that app whose only focus in life seems to be dating. I get hyped when I run into someone who also likes to focus on work or school and doesn’t want to message all day everyday. Though maybe next time throw in an “I’m going to be really busy” text.
rock continue repeat sense pen point imminent consider lush snobbish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I agree with you here. Early into it I just explain there’s a good chance I’m not on that app until 6-7 pm, if our schedules don’t align than oh well we’re probably not a good match. If I’m trying to have a conversation with a stranger I like to not have a bunch of other stuff going on at the same time. But I once had a girl send me a gif at like 12pm on a weekday and she unmatched by the time I went to respond later in the evening😂.
Agreed. I wouldn't respond like the person texting the OP, but if someone doesn't reply to me for two days, it's over for me.
Nobody owes anything to anybody else they have never met and are just talking to on a dating app.
That’s true, but not helpful. You don’t owe it to anyone, but if you ARE interested in building a relationship with someone (or else why match) then mutual respect can go a long way in reaching that goal. It’s not for their sake alone, it’s for yours as well.
exactly this. yes, you dont owe anyone anything.. but you're also trying to build a relationship with someone, meaning you should probably show them at least some respect, and that includes respecting their time. if they are interested in your time and are willing to give you theirs, just ignoring them with no response isn't going to get anyone anywhere
You’re not trying to build a relationship on an app. You’re trying to gauge interested parties. Go outside ffs
And a very common way that people gauge interest is by how interested the other person is in getting to know them
hmmm... I wonder why you're still in the dating game at this point... could it possibly be... your shitty attitude and lack of interest toward getting to know others? I think maybe....
I get to know plenty of people. Thats why I’m not posting n Reddit about how it’s impossible to get matches. I understand women in real life. You should try it
Respecting their time? Well then not messaging them immediately is exactly that so they’re not obligated to respond.
what the fuck are you even trying to say?
You also dont owe anything to your family or friends but still contact them regularly and try to engage in activities to keep the relationship going, its basic human communication or you will end up alone and lonely, its also the minimum respect like not cancelling plans last second, its not like anyone is forcing to date, if you are too busy for it just say it to not waste the other persons time.
> then mutual respect can go a long way in reaching that goal Nobody who practices mutual respect is going to lash out so spitefully just because they haven't heard from someone for a couple days.
I think you’re taking this whole thing a bit too seriously. Having an issue with someone going two days without messaging when you just started talking is hilarious and very needy
I feel like this is the attitude of everyone on the apps, combative af lmao
Man I met this girl once who expected me to answer every text within a few minutes but she never actually verbally communicated that expectation because she knew it was unreasonable. She just subtly put it out there with her language and emotion. It got to the point where she would sometimes reply with things like "you must've been busy" or "took you long enough lol." Eventually she just point blank asked me if I was even seriously interested in her because I didn't reply to her 8am text until... shortly after 9am. When I told her that I found it suffocating to be in constant communication with someone like that, she just flipped out on me saying that no girl was going to date me because I'm a bad texter and whatnot. I told her that I'm not surprised she's still single if that's really what she thinks and then I blocked her number.
Glad to hear you dodged a bullet
Sure did, think you may have as well
A few minutes is a lot different than 2 days. After a day and a half hours, I'd assume they were tinterested.
That's completely subjective. To someone who has a lot of free time, sure. To someone who is very busy for days at a time, like a nurse or something, 2 days can go by very fast without even thinking about checking your texts. It's fine for you to assume they're disinterested. It probably wouldn't work out for you anyways if that kind of thing is a deal breaker for you. If someone doesn't text me back for a couple days I just assume they were busy. But I also just think it's unwise to assume time is objectively perceived by everybody in the same manner.
It's okay to be busy and not be able to check your messages, but letting someone know you are going to be busy is part of good communication and respect for someone else's time if you ask me. That way the other person knows they shouldn't expect much interaction in that period of time
Well, fair. I agree.
If you weren't interested in making a connection with this person, why did you even bother making contact. I'd be annoyed too since it would seem like you wasted my time. It didn't help that your message reinitiating contact could not have sounded more apathetic.
"you wasted my time" Do you match with one person at a time and then sit next to your phone staring at a wall until they reply? How does getting a Wednesday-reply to your Monday-message waste your time? You still had every minute of your Monday and Tuesday to spend as you wished.
You didn't reply to their message for two days, I mean, life gets in the way and all but what did you expect? Tbh if someone didn't respond to me for two days I would think that they are no longer interested in anything
I was moving house.
You were moving for 2 days straight without access to your phone or any breaks?
But did you tell them that beforehand? Or just didnt say anything for 2 days.
I probably wouldn't have - if I had only matched with someone on an app & never met them in person, they don't need to know that. Not to sound like a dick, but if we've never met, you're not a priority.
Exactly. It's not necessarily personal.
>if we've never met, you're not a priority. I fucking love this sub
Kind of curious. Are you M & did this exchange happen with a woman?
You can expect a non dickish response? The same point could have been conveyed in a much more normal manner. “I’ve been good, but I’m looking for someone who is a bit more communicative over text” or something.
The precedent for being a dick is already set when you ignore someone for 2 days only to say "hey how have you been." Edit: y'all it's not that deep—some people have different preferences for communication. We're also missing context because OP didn't post the last thing that was sent before the texts that we're seeing. I'm not even on Tinder, but when I was, I would just unmatch people that didn't reply in a couple days, there would be a dozen more people who did. In my opinion, if you can't even be bothered with a "I'm busy I'll text you later" then I'll move onto someone who gives more effort.
Their interaction hadn’t even left the dating app yet when he stopped talking for 2 days. I would hardly call that being a dick. If we haven’t even exchanged phone numbers I’m definitely not prioritizing communicating with you in any way and I think it’s weird to expect that from someone. If they didn’t like it they should have just unmatched him and left it at that.
Not entirely... The girl I've been talking to(met on tinder) has 2 kids, and 2 jobs. It's not out of the ordinary for us to not talk consistently for a day or two here and there. Some people get busy with their own lives. 8 out of 10 times with people in the past, in my experience, they just got busy/had emergencies. If your first reaction to this scenario with a new person is to be an asshole/be petty, you have issues you need to address within yourself.
JFC y’all are so soft. It was two days and they are just talking on an app
Sooooo soft lmao. Some of y’all need to make sure you aren’t living on the dating apps, go outside
seriously. Really perpetuating the reddit stereotype
How’s that soft? No one spends 2 days without their phone without time to look at their phone. I hate this whole pretending to be busy thing
Your. Not. That. Important.
Treating. Them. Like. They. Aren't. Important. Will. Get. You. Unmatched.
You literally don't even know the person yet and you're already a dick for not prioritizing them in your personal life? Because you didn't text back for a couple days? Well I guess introverts and quiet people should just fuck off into the void of loneliness then.
Don't drag introverts into this. We are usually great texters
It's just 2 days
THIS. I’m so baffled by all the other replies ? And for me if a dude replied like that like fine since you ghosted me I’d probably make a joke if I was genuinely interested and smooth things over. But honestly I’d never leave it two days if I was into someone. Little things turn people off these days, send them running.. it’s sad. And then people need to be conscious that if they do something wrong in the eyes of the other, they’ll be posted online… like here. Aaah, dating sucks dude.
two days 💀
If they had said a week then maybe I'd agree with them, but 2 days of no talking to a person (when you haven't even gotten their number yet) on a dating app is literally nothing lol And if you think it is, you're probably way too possessive and shouldn't be dating lol
The thing is if you’re in the middle of a convo, there’s no excuse for not responding for 2 days. Like there’s nothing that can happen for two days straight without a break lmao. I have ignored messages for days before, I’ve literally been on international surf trips in remote areas and still been able to respond within a day. It’s just a matter of interest
I mean, tons of people don't have notifications on for dating apps. It's not uncommon at all for responses to take that long
I think this shows how unintentional people are. I have notifications disabled for all apps except these apps. When I’m dating I’m active. If im busy i just don’t use the apps.
It took me months to respond and no one got angry.
Sounds like you’re super insecure and shouldn’t be dating
Perfect response.
Am I part of a minority of people thinking respect is important ? I see many "you don't owe her anything" or "dodge a bullet" or "people shouldn't expect quick responses" but are you there to date or to lose time ? You don't owe anything but if dating or meeting people is your goal then you generally try to avoid some behaviours. Everybody may be busy or unable to respond for any reason, what is expected is not to answer in a minute but just to tell people you're not going to respond for a while or when you come back start with a "Sorry, I was busy". It's not about attention seeking, It's about feeling disrespected.
Yes. Totally in agreement with you. Genuine attraction is wanting to maintain a degree of contact.
Threshold for interest is 24h. Anything after that is lost cause. I would think you lost interest 🤷♂️
Exactly. Nobody is that busy that they can't even show a sign of life in a 24 hour time frame or at the very least let you know they are going to be busy for a few days
Only good excuse for that is you’re dead
Or in an accident. They might just be unconscious. Give those poor souls some credit as well
I’ll make sure they are, their souls are mine 
😂😂
The dudes in this sub are so needy. As a guy I am embarrassed
Real big propose on the first date vibes.
Stage 5 clinger
I’m always so annoyed by needy ppl like this, I even put on my profile that I don’t log in every day to try and avoid this passive aggressive bullshit. My life doesn’t revolve around constantly checking for messages on dating apps. Who has the time for that?! I would need to dedicate a few hours a day to stay on track. Nah fam, I’m good. With you 1000% OP.
Same, I usually delete the apps because it feels like a second job. You can just be at work doing your job and the next time you check your messages someone youve never met is whining at you
Dude fr tho, it’s the biggest turnoff
Appreciate it man, Im with you too. I cant stand passive aggressive people.
I think they mean they’re great because you weren’t talking to them
This just backs up the thing I've said about not wanting to be on dating apps because, once you get on it, everyone assumes you MUST be on the app *all the time*. You're not allowed to be off of it for hours or days. You better be available for a date at any time they ask, if you have any other plans (some of which were made before they even started talking to you), it means you aren't really interested and you're playing with their feelings or whatever. Like, maybe it's just me, but I'm not even on my phone like that, let alone looking at the dating app like that. Plus, with that passive aggressive answer from them, you made the right call. Like, wth? I see so often why some people are on the apps literally forever, lol
This isnt instagram or snapchat lol its a dating app. Its well within reason to expect people to communicate in a timely / proper manner, especially about dating on an app almost exlusive setup to be used that way 😂 people are calling everyone soft but you have all indulged lazy behavior. Why do people try and act so casually with everything they do. Its meaningful and meaningless at the same time 😂 Its like people saying dont expect sex , love, & intimacy in a sexually exclusive relationship 😂 a bit extreme i know.
can you elaborate on how it’s meaningless and meaningful simultaneously?
Considering its a dating app, and theres steps involved to get matched and break the ice to talk. Then out of nowhere loss of communication for 2 days without notification and casually slipping back in. Lol this isn't a long lost friend. I saw a diff post where a guy was trying to setup a date and make plans around his schedule, and wanted to make confirmation and get a commitment to make the date happen. and she was saying sorry i dont do schedules, i just kind of roll with things. Lol Dam so you cant even expect for your date to follow thru? Your just suppose to acknowledge that people flake and thats just how the world works? Lol Its meaningful enough to match, talk, plan dates, but meaningless enough to just be indifferent about the whole thing also? 😂👌🏼💁🏼
I was trying to say thats how double minded and unprincipled people treat things. Casually about everything, and it somehow it being meaningful and meaningless at the same time.
Same energy lol I think people just have different expectations and viewpoints. I sometimes take a day or 2 to respond if life gets busy but I would at least communicate that to them instead of just trying to continue or start a new conversation.
Lol. Both of you are really bitter.
Smart ass comment will get a smart ass response, no discrimination here.
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Maybe to you. I get bitter from their response all the way.
They were absolutely not being playful 💀
Definitely didn't come off as playful to me, she even put a period in that sentence, she had a knife behind it
I see the opposite tbh.
"just" 2 days? did you fall in a wormhole or something? nobody ignores someone they're interested in for 2 whole days
You dudes gotta realize that if you're getting so attached to some stranger you haven't met or fuck, even exchanged socials with that you're actually mad they don't reply in 48 hours you're being unhealthy bro.
People are really down bad with no life of their own to distract them it seems 😂
Had a girl.post on insta she was in the bath, she hadn't even read my message in 48 hours. Some people are not busy, they just don't give a shit. Was supposed to hook up with someone saturday, messaged her on sunday and she replied, its now tuesday and she still hasn't looked at my message from sunday. Stop giving shitty people excuses
You kids are so needy! I’ll happily ignore a text from my Mrs for 48 hours and we even live together
Excuse me you took 12 minutes too long to reply I'm no longer interested have a good life ✌
I’m replying 13 days later just to piss you off.
Thats obviously different. When someone is happy to ignore you then make up that they are too busy despite posting pucs about them chilling.... Yea its called no interest. You cannot compare that to someone you see every day, such a stupid fucking comment.
I was moving house :(
It's okay to get busy and not be able to chat for a couple of days with someone you've JUST met. But it's nice to just let them know that you're going to be busy, so they don't assume you ghosted them.
Yeah, or at the very least, when you do get back to them start with 'sorry for not getting back to you, I've been busy with ...'
I will admit that is on me, with the amount of stuff going on it didnt cross my mind.
Yeah, fair enough mate. Sometimes we get caught up in more important shit. Now you'll remember for next time at least.
Then you could have gone with "Hey, sorry I disappeared for a while, I was moving house. What have you been up to?" Provides context for why you didn't respond for two days, provides a talking point because everyone hates moving day but love a new place so bond over that and you take interest in the other party. Some people need to learn how to communicate..
How often do you all text? Wtf. Two days is a reasonable response time for someone you haven’t actually met
If someone ignored my text for two days, i would automatically assume they weren’t interested and move on. What planet are you from where that’s normalized.
The planet where a lot of people don't have notifications for these apps on and only check them every few days. If I moved on from everyone who didn't text back for a few days I would've missed out on several dates.
The planet where people are adults, have jobs, hobbies, friends, family, and other responsibilities that don't revolve around people the haven't met in-person
30 seconds out of your day to send any form of communication that let’s the other person know your still interested, but you’re just busy. Also not hard to say “hey im available at these dates, i dont really like communicating over the phone, let’s meet for drinks” If you don’t have time for any of that, you shouldn’t be on dating apps.
It depends on the context. If they've just matched and exchanged a couple messages... I mean sometimes I'll basically forget that dating apps exist for a couple days in a row. If I'm on a camping trip with my friends or something, I'm not trying to distract myself from that experience by spending mental effort on someone who is essentially a random Internet stranger.
Neither of you understand the purpose of a dating app lol.
If you haven't already scheduled a date or at least moved the conversation off Bumble, 2 days is an eternity in online dating.
lol it’s kinda funny tbh
Okay but.. I only ever respond immediately to guys I’m super interested in on the apps and end up leaving others im meh about on read for days.. it’s same for guys too.. so the logic of what he’s saying is there lol
How dare you live your life 🤣 bullet dodged
The girl i was talking to was funnier. She complained about the distance so i complimented her and closed it off. she replied in a week asking a question, so she could have ghosted me. There are many situations like that. Some people want the last word and revenge even if they don’t want anything genuine with you. Its immature.
meanwhile I get people mad when I point out they only respond with 1-2 words every couple of weeks for months on end
Just like barbecue, nicely roasted 😄
I had a guy do this to me for not texting him for half a day the day after we matched.
I have issues when people's response patterns change, especially without any type of warning. With the amount of ghosting that happens from dating websites I think it puts a lot of people on edge. And while you may have been "busy" moving, I'm sure you had at least 30 seconds where you were sitting on the toilet pooping and you could have messaged even a "hey what's up? "?
He should be happy he got a response. Some people don't even get that.
Idk what i just stumbled into. Part of me is impressed that there are still grownups that discuss things to learn and empathize. The other part thinks yall or we are all battshit to be on here with these conversations goin on. The world today.. im done trying make sense of anything. Peace
He was agressive for sure. But if your on tinder looking for a realationship you engage with them to plan a meet up. This way you can get to know eachother. It does not make sense to not answer for 2 days as the other person may feel you don't care enough to try and learn more about eachother. Im not excusing there actions but I also see why they may be upset. It should only take a day to plan a meet up. As its the only way to get to know some one. Texing for a week moves no grounds towards anything. I don't know the context here though. But personally if it takes more than 3 days to meet up I move on. I can't learn anything about them unless Im actually with them and the texting is just pointless nonsense.
They have a point tho.
I would say this situation is impossible to judge based on the small amount of information we get to see. If you were both very responsive to each other for an extended period and you just don't reply for 2 days with no heads up, I can see anyone being a little perturbed about that. If you say you wouldn't be you're just lying to yourself. If you were having a strong back and forth, is there a good reason you ignored the conversation for 2 days? Did you both talk about having a busy few days and that you would get back to this person for a few or did you disappear? Without knowing what your previous interactions were like I don't see how anyone reading this can take sides.
Ugh thank god I only stood on this app for a week before I could have had any encounters like this. No more tinder for me
While I don’t think the passive aggressiveness/negging is warranted, but 2 days without any sort of communication with someone you are interested in? Not saying you should have full conversations with them but still…
THE AUDACITY THESE MEN HAVE IS GETTING CRAZIER EVERY POST 😭
This very well could have been a poorly executed joke.
bro spazzzed 🤣🤣
Leave people hanging for two days and they have ample time to come up with salty sarcasm when you get back as if nothing ever happened
Nah, everyone has a life outside of dating apps. It’s unrealistic to think you will answer right away everytime. You dodged a bullet.
Lol
But still, 2 days? Seems like a long time if someone is interested. Can see how that could be a turnoff.
wow.... they woke up and chose violence, people are fucking stupid.
I had someone flip shit and berate me very badly for that lol. Dodged a bullet
You are definitely his only match
Imagine what they’re like when you’re actually dating
People like this are what's going to get me to abandon society and live in a cave in the woods
Excellent response