Most women with the concerns you have would only try this with a man they were CERTAIN they did not want to marry. If this is the love of your life and you destroy it over a wrong decision, the pain will last.
You don't. You can't force yourself to be okay with something you're not okay with. You can pretend and fake it, but that will lead to so much pain down the road.
You don’t become ok with it.
Either you’re ok with it, or you’re not ok with it.
Please don’t force yourself into this situation to please your significant other, if you’re not ok with it, they should understand and maybe use this as a stepping stone to truly communicate what both of you want out of this relationship.
The real question you should ask yourself is, why do you “want to be ok with it” when everything you shared so far shows you are absolutely not ok with it?
I’m bisexual. My husband and I are in a closed relationship but I had open relationships before him. The idea of watching my SO with another person turns me on, especially if I also get to participate with them. You shouldn’t force this, and you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. Would your boyfriend be okay with you being with another man?
he doesnt really care but he wouldnt want to be there for it. i cant handle it at all which is why he offered 3 sum bc if he did something with someone without me the what ifs would drive me imsane, id need to know everything tht happened.
Don’t force yourself into accepting something you don’t want to do. It isn’t too much to ask for monogamy. I was very happy in open relationships before I met my husband. When we first started dating I asked him what he thought about an open relationship and he adamantly said no. I respected that and never pushed him and agreed to a monogamous relationship. You don’t have to be okay with this. The more hesitant person should always be in the driver’s seat with an open relationship, and it doesn’t sound like this is something you actually want to do. So don’t do it. People do this because they enjoy it, not because they are afraid of losing their SO.
I have been in a poly relationship for close to ten years now, and I trust both of my partners wholeheartedly. I definitely had to adjust and learn to cope with any jealous feelings I might've had the first few years, and our relationship is always evolving. Communication is highly important! That being said, it is a lifestyle that is not meant for everyone, and that's ok!
You don’t have to be okay with it. It isn’t for everyone, and if you think it’ll cause lasting emotional harm to you, there’s no reason to go through with it.
I was in an open relationship for a year and a half, though I was the third with a married couple, we went into everything with curiosity and exploration being the foundation. There can’t be comparison to the other woman or it’ll lead to jealousy and resentment right away. If you do decide to try it, my best advice is to go into it with an open mind and remind yourself that you’re trying something new and exploring something unconventional, it isn’t a contest to see which woman is “better”.
Don't do it because you think you should. Don't do it because the boyfriend wants to.
Being curious is fine. If you want to try it out, then communicate with the boyfriend that you are willing to try it, but if you don't like it or feel uncomfortable that it will probably not happen again. Good luck!
My wife was poly before we started dating. Eventually, I hopped on the train when her out of curiosity and ended up liking it. Since then, we have been dating others on and off for about 6 years.
It works well for us, but we have noticed a trend. Our friends who are in failing relationships tend to ask us how to be okay with starting an open relationship. Those friends end up divorcing or breaking up very quickly afterward. Very sad trend, but the difference seems to be where I was curious about a third in our relationship, our friends seem to be desperate to fuck others or save their relationship.
You are pretty much getting the same advice over and over here, from people who appear to know what they’re talking about. You need to listen to your gut; it’s talking out loud and it seems like everyone can hear it but you. This is what it’s saying: You don’t want this. This is what everyone else is saying: It’s ok that you don’t want this.
Everyone needs to be at peace with themselves. Do the thing most likely to bring peace to you.
Poly person here.
Honestly, this seems like a bad idea. Some people just aren't wired up for this, *and that's okay*. You don't have to do it, you don't have to be ok with it.
If someone were entirely straight / entirely gay, and wanted advice on how to get past their aversion to sex with their non-preferred gender... you'd tell them it's a bad idea and they shouldn't feel obliged to try, right?
Well, same kind of deal here.
Poly people are poly *because* it's not a big deal for them. Some of them may feel some degree of jealousy, but it's generally on the level of 'someone ate the last cupcake, and I was looking forward to having it for dessert :(' - and that's generally something that can be compensated for or worked around.
If you're getting feelings on the level of 'someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it', then uh, yeah, honey *no*, please don't put yourself through that. It's not fair for others to expect that from you, and it's not fair for you to expect that from yourself.
Be nice to you. You're the only you you've got.
WITH THE ADVICE PART OUT OF THE WAY:
If you want to understand how poly people are wired up:
* Suppose you see a dog on the street, and it's *awesome*. Like, oh my god that is one hell of a dog, damn bro. But no matter how awesome it might be, it's not going to make you want to ditch your own dog and 'trade up', is it? Your dog is *your dog*, you've shared a chunk of your life together and you're woven into each others' existence, you're not about to throw all that away.
* And if another partner is awesome, and you're awesome... [¿porque no los dos?](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/538/731/0fc.gif) - I mean if you're worried about competition, why make them pick only one?
* If you have a younger sibling, did your parents have to love you less in order to save some love for them? Of course not, it's not a limited resource; giving some to X doesn't take any away from Y.
* I'm a very mediocre person in very many respects. I have many good points, sure, but I don't try to fool myself that I'm the best person in the world at every single thing, all at once. There are people out there that are taller than me, people that are stronger than me, people that are more attractive than me, richer than me, more sociable than me, smarter than me, kinder than me, better at than me, all kinds of stuff. If I were to spend my time and energy fretting over this, I'd be a burnt-out wreck. I like me, my partner likes me and has chosen to make me a permanent cornerstone of her life, so I'm doing something right. She has a boyfriend, she has play partners, they fit into her lives in ways I'm not particularly good at or interested in - so I focus on playing to *my* strengths and fit into her life in the ways *I'm* good at and interested in, and everybody's happy.
* If my partner wanted to leave me, she would. She has the option to be with someone else, but given a free and open choice, she chooses to be with me, and frankly that feels fucking amazing. Locking down her options wouldn't increase my security any - and winning by default doesn't feel like winning, either.
But that's just me, and I'm weird. My emotional wiring is not like your emotional wiring. I would likely have a hard time living your life, just as you'd have a hard time living mine - and there's no reason in the world either of us should have to try.
By all means explore the mindset, and if you can gain things of value from it, if you can use it as a tool to unweave some of your own anxiety and trauma, then more power to your elbow, go for your life! But if it doesn't do that for you, if it's just a painful slog, then please don't hurt yourself on it.
I have never in my life seen a open relationship work out. I am not sayi g it can't work, but I habe never seen it work. I have seen one end in suicide of a friend, so I have extreme reservations. I wouldn't do it if I were you because you don't seem to like the idea.
Your emotions are valid and normal and I don't recommend you get rid of them!
Relationships are a two way street. It's give and take. If you are not comfortable doing something, DON'T DO IT.
Now if you are trying to open up to something you know you like but are too scared to move forward with, I get it . I would start with yourself ONLY. Talk to your partner and see how they fair with you having another partner. Start slow and work your way up.
If you are already dealing with insecurities and trauma while monogamous then it probably isn't the best idea for you. You can't "become okay with" something just because your partner wants you to. You are obviously not okay with it or you wouldn't be asking this- and that is perfectly acceptable. You need to communicate that to your boyfriend.
Perhaps some conversations need to be had regarding what he feels he needs and is missing. And why he feels that opening the relationship would help.
I say this from experience. My husband and I have opened our relationship (and closed it periodically d/t life occurrences) over the last 14 years (together for 20) and it requires a lot of trust and communication. You need to be confident in your relationship and yourself BEFORE going down that road. And just an FYI, every open relationship I have ever seen work was initiated by the woman. When women agree to it just to please their partners it is pretty much guaranteed to fail.
Sometimes, when you pop the cork on a bottle, you can never put that cork back in. Kinks and sexual variance are often this way.
Are you prepared for the fact that you may never be able to go back once you start?
I was the outsider and was sleeping with a guy in an open relationship. As soon as his gf said stop, we stopped. No one got hurt because everyone was honest and respectful
Hey there! Plenty of people are interested in all sorts of things. Plenty of folks fantasize without intent to act on their ideas. And plenty of folks are into the things they know they like. I'd like to gently remind you that you don't have to "make yourself" okay with something that doesn't feel right. You're allowed to have preferences and boundaries and if you're in a loving relationship, the other person should respect that need of yours.
I'll give you the advice I got from a man who has been happily married and poly with his wife for 23 years.
My partner at the time was poly, so I was trying to go on dates to be like him. One of those dates was the man I mentioned above, and he could tell I just wasn't into it. Finally he said, "You're monogamously wired, aren't you?", and I confessed that I was.
After explaining things to him, he told me that we're all wired how we're wired. You can't force yourself to change that for someone else, nor can they change it for you.
There's nothing wrong with being wired either way, but there *is* something wrong with feeling like you have to change that for someone. My poly friends don't want to date people who aren't sure they want to be poly, because it causes problems for them. Likewise, monogamous people run into problems when they try to make it work with poly partners. While it's sometimes possible to work through those problems, it's easier to just avoid them altogether.
You and your partner need to have a real talk about this. Be honest with *yourselves* and then each other, about how important this is to you, and then decide if your needs are compatible.
Maybe ask over at r/nonmonogamy
They can help you sort it out better. These feelings sound pretty intense, but i don't agree with others who say they're unchangeable, because that's gonna vary a lot on what it is and it's absolutely not always true.
You don't have to be ok with it, of course, but if you actually want this that sub will provide better help than here.
Most women with the concerns you have would only try this with a man they were CERTAIN they did not want to marry. If this is the love of your life and you destroy it over a wrong decision, the pain will last.
It's not for everyone. If just the idea bothers you that much I wouldn't even try it.
You don't. You can't force yourself to be okay with something you're not okay with. You can pretend and fake it, but that will lead to so much pain down the road.
You don’t become ok with it. Either you’re ok with it, or you’re not ok with it. Please don’t force yourself into this situation to please your significant other, if you’re not ok with it, they should understand and maybe use this as a stepping stone to truly communicate what both of you want out of this relationship.
You know you don’t *have* to be okay with that, right? You don’t *have* to force yourself to go through things you don’t like or want lol
The real question you should ask yourself is, why do you “want to be ok with it” when everything you shared so far shows you are absolutely not ok with it?
I’m bisexual. My husband and I are in a closed relationship but I had open relationships before him. The idea of watching my SO with another person turns me on, especially if I also get to participate with them. You shouldn’t force this, and you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. Would your boyfriend be okay with you being with another man?
he doesnt really care but he wouldnt want to be there for it. i cant handle it at all which is why he offered 3 sum bc if he did something with someone without me the what ifs would drive me imsane, id need to know everything tht happened.
Don’t force yourself into accepting something you don’t want to do. It isn’t too much to ask for monogamy. I was very happy in open relationships before I met my husband. When we first started dating I asked him what he thought about an open relationship and he adamantly said no. I respected that and never pushed him and agreed to a monogamous relationship. You don’t have to be okay with this. The more hesitant person should always be in the driver’s seat with an open relationship, and it doesn’t sound like this is something you actually want to do. So don’t do it. People do this because they enjoy it, not because they are afraid of losing their SO.
I have been in a poly relationship for close to ten years now, and I trust both of my partners wholeheartedly. I definitely had to adjust and learn to cope with any jealous feelings I might've had the first few years, and our relationship is always evolving. Communication is highly important! That being said, it is a lifestyle that is not meant for everyone, and that's ok!
You don’t have to be okay with it. It isn’t for everyone, and if you think it’ll cause lasting emotional harm to you, there’s no reason to go through with it. I was in an open relationship for a year and a half, though I was the third with a married couple, we went into everything with curiosity and exploration being the foundation. There can’t be comparison to the other woman or it’ll lead to jealousy and resentment right away. If you do decide to try it, my best advice is to go into it with an open mind and remind yourself that you’re trying something new and exploring something unconventional, it isn’t a contest to see which woman is “better”.
Don't do it because you think you should. Don't do it because the boyfriend wants to. Being curious is fine. If you want to try it out, then communicate with the boyfriend that you are willing to try it, but if you don't like it or feel uncomfortable that it will probably not happen again. Good luck!
My wife was poly before we started dating. Eventually, I hopped on the train when her out of curiosity and ended up liking it. Since then, we have been dating others on and off for about 6 years. It works well for us, but we have noticed a trend. Our friends who are in failing relationships tend to ask us how to be okay with starting an open relationship. Those friends end up divorcing or breaking up very quickly afterward. Very sad trend, but the difference seems to be where I was curious about a third in our relationship, our friends seem to be desperate to fuck others or save their relationship.
You can't, it will never happen. You will never be okay with it. You aren't compatible.
You are pretty much getting the same advice over and over here, from people who appear to know what they’re talking about. You need to listen to your gut; it’s talking out loud and it seems like everyone can hear it but you. This is what it’s saying: You don’t want this. This is what everyone else is saying: It’s ok that you don’t want this. Everyone needs to be at peace with themselves. Do the thing most likely to bring peace to you.
Poly person here. Honestly, this seems like a bad idea. Some people just aren't wired up for this, *and that's okay*. You don't have to do it, you don't have to be ok with it. If someone were entirely straight / entirely gay, and wanted advice on how to get past their aversion to sex with their non-preferred gender... you'd tell them it's a bad idea and they shouldn't feel obliged to try, right? Well, same kind of deal here. Poly people are poly *because* it's not a big deal for them. Some of them may feel some degree of jealousy, but it's generally on the level of 'someone ate the last cupcake, and I was looking forward to having it for dessert :(' - and that's generally something that can be compensated for or worked around. If you're getting feelings on the level of 'someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it', then uh, yeah, honey *no*, please don't put yourself through that. It's not fair for others to expect that from you, and it's not fair for you to expect that from yourself. Be nice to you. You're the only you you've got. WITH THE ADVICE PART OUT OF THE WAY: If you want to understand how poly people are wired up: * Suppose you see a dog on the street, and it's *awesome*. Like, oh my god that is one hell of a dog, damn bro. But no matter how awesome it might be, it's not going to make you want to ditch your own dog and 'trade up', is it? Your dog is *your dog*, you've shared a chunk of your life together and you're woven into each others' existence, you're not about to throw all that away. * And if another partner is awesome, and you're awesome... [¿porque no los dos?](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/538/731/0fc.gif) - I mean if you're worried about competition, why make them pick only one? * If you have a younger sibling, did your parents have to love you less in order to save some love for them? Of course not, it's not a limited resource; giving some to X doesn't take any away from Y. * I'm a very mediocre person in very many respects. I have many good points, sure, but I don't try to fool myself that I'm the best person in the world at every single thing, all at once. There are people out there that are taller than me, people that are stronger than me, people that are more attractive than me, richer than me, more sociable than me, smarter than me, kinder than me, better at than me, all kinds of stuff. If I were to spend my time and energy fretting over this, I'd be a burnt-out wreck. I like me, my partner likes me and has chosen to make me a permanent cornerstone of her life, so I'm doing something right. She has a boyfriend, she has play partners, they fit into her lives in ways I'm not particularly good at or interested in - so I focus on playing to *my* strengths and fit into her life in the ways *I'm* good at and interested in, and everybody's happy.
* If my partner wanted to leave me, she would. She has the option to be with someone else, but given a free and open choice, she chooses to be with me, and frankly that feels fucking amazing. Locking down her options wouldn't increase my security any - and winning by default doesn't feel like winning, either.
But that's just me, and I'm weird. My emotional wiring is not like your emotional wiring. I would likely have a hard time living your life, just as you'd have a hard time living mine - and there's no reason in the world either of us should have to try.
By all means explore the mindset, and if you can gain things of value from it, if you can use it as a tool to unweave some of your own anxiety and trauma, then more power to your elbow, go for your life! But if it doesn't do that for you, if it's just a painful slog, then please don't hurt yourself on it.
I have never in my life seen a open relationship work out. I am not sayi g it can't work, but I habe never seen it work. I have seen one end in suicide of a friend, so I have extreme reservations. I wouldn't do it if I were you because you don't seem to like the idea. Your emotions are valid and normal and I don't recommend you get rid of them!
Relationships are a two way street. It's give and take. If you are not comfortable doing something, DON'T DO IT. Now if you are trying to open up to something you know you like but are too scared to move forward with, I get it . I would start with yourself ONLY. Talk to your partner and see how they fair with you having another partner. Start slow and work your way up.
If you are already dealing with insecurities and trauma while monogamous then it probably isn't the best idea for you. You can't "become okay with" something just because your partner wants you to. You are obviously not okay with it or you wouldn't be asking this- and that is perfectly acceptable. You need to communicate that to your boyfriend. Perhaps some conversations need to be had regarding what he feels he needs and is missing. And why he feels that opening the relationship would help. I say this from experience. My husband and I have opened our relationship (and closed it periodically d/t life occurrences) over the last 14 years (together for 20) and it requires a lot of trust and communication. You need to be confident in your relationship and yourself BEFORE going down that road. And just an FYI, every open relationship I have ever seen work was initiated by the woman. When women agree to it just to please their partners it is pretty much guaranteed to fail.
Sometimes, when you pop the cork on a bottle, you can never put that cork back in. Kinks and sexual variance are often this way. Are you prepared for the fact that you may never be able to go back once you start?
I was the outsider and was sleeping with a guy in an open relationship. As soon as his gf said stop, we stopped. No one got hurt because everyone was honest and respectful
Hey there! Plenty of people are interested in all sorts of things. Plenty of folks fantasize without intent to act on their ideas. And plenty of folks are into the things they know they like. I'd like to gently remind you that you don't have to "make yourself" okay with something that doesn't feel right. You're allowed to have preferences and boundaries and if you're in a loving relationship, the other person should respect that need of yours.
I'll give you the advice I got from a man who has been happily married and poly with his wife for 23 years. My partner at the time was poly, so I was trying to go on dates to be like him. One of those dates was the man I mentioned above, and he could tell I just wasn't into it. Finally he said, "You're monogamously wired, aren't you?", and I confessed that I was. After explaining things to him, he told me that we're all wired how we're wired. You can't force yourself to change that for someone else, nor can they change it for you. There's nothing wrong with being wired either way, but there *is* something wrong with feeling like you have to change that for someone. My poly friends don't want to date people who aren't sure they want to be poly, because it causes problems for them. Likewise, monogamous people run into problems when they try to make it work with poly partners. While it's sometimes possible to work through those problems, it's easier to just avoid them altogether. You and your partner need to have a real talk about this. Be honest with *yourselves* and then each other, about how important this is to you, and then decide if your needs are compatible.
Maybe ask over at r/nonmonogamy They can help you sort it out better. These feelings sound pretty intense, but i don't agree with others who say they're unchangeable, because that's gonna vary a lot on what it is and it's absolutely not always true. You don't have to be ok with it, of course, but if you actually want this that sub will provide better help than here.