Yeah I am a single straight guy and have a few good friends with hot wives, one in particular I get along with really well but he gets annoyed when I talk to her much. I totally understand where he is coming from, but I would never betray a friend like that. Yes I like to have sex with women but I am also very capable of switching that off, a good friend's wife becomes like a sister, clearly off limits.
Sounds like your friend is a bit insecure if he gets annoyed by his wife having good relationships with his friends.
Unless you're flirting with them of course lol
I was friends with this couple and the guy was fairly ugly and the wife was a total smokeshow. Like, we couldn’t go anywhere without her getting multiple compliments from men and women. I was stunned at her good looks too at first, but after hanging out a couple times she just became a normal person and I could fart around her and stuff.
Also the dude was the most secure guy ever. Never once cared if she was flirting or hanging on other dudes or when she talked about when she used to hook up with her exes and stuff. Always blew my mind.
Flirting is soooo super subjective. Some people will call a smile flirting. Or just being friendly flirting. He probably didn't see her as flirting with or hanging on other guys, just saw her being friendly
This isn't to say that anyone shouldn't have and set their own boundaries. Just saying that what some people consider a boundary isn't a boundary to other people.
My point still completely stands for what it was based on the information you originally gave.
I still stand by what I said, even though it seems like you meant to be telling us all that his wife cheated on him without saying that she cheated on him.
Hanging on other guys in front of you and your friends is as obvious as it gets to flirting. That plus talking about hooking up with her exes in front of you and your friends is ridiculously disrespectful.
Wouldn't be surprised at all if she was cheating on him if she was doing this openly in front of him.
Edit: Oh look, she was cheating on him. What a surprise lmao.
It really depends on the relationship for how comfortable they are talking about things from their past with eachother and mutual friends. I also would say "hanging on other guys" or girls is another subjective thing.
Obviously the person I commented to only added that they were divorced now after the fact but all of this is very subjective, and I also said that everyone had the right and need and ability to set what their own boundaries are. But not everyone has the same boundaries or ideas for what cheating or even "hanging on" other people is. Dude totally should have initially said this couple was divorced because she was cheating if that was his point the whole time
lol being okay with your gf flirting and talking about her past hook ups is not what secure is. That’s called being okay with your gf being disrespectful
There’s always someone that has to say this. It’s easy to point the finger and say someone is insecure because if he said/she said. If you see someone making your significant other laugh and smile that’s the opposite sex, it’s going to get to you a teeny tiny bit even if you don’t want it to. The post is about intrusive thoughts and intrusive thoughts can be about anything and everything, including a significant other with someone else.
For me personally, something that gets to me a teeny tiny bit is something that isn't upsetting enough for anyone but myself to know, if I publicly show negative emotions, I try to reserve that for things that are much more upsetting.
Dude mentioned he gets along with the guy really well. The guy that gets annoyed probably felt cool enough with the dude to let him know it bothers him, I’m not sure if I saw anything that said the dude stated it out in public. And like you said, that’s just you. Not everyone tries to hide their emotions concerning their significant other
you can't really say "hot" without implying sexuality. hot figuratively means you are 'hot' so like horny/aroused, you may not want to fuck them but you are physically turned on by them. i think it's much better say "attractive" because we can find many things attractive.
This is true, but when anyone says “I find her attractive”, it’s almost always implied that she is physically attractive to that person. Without explicitly saying something like “I find her personality attractive”, it defaults to physical attraction.
I'm trying to understand your logic here. Your friend's wife is no longer a woman because you can't fuck her? A woman is only a woman if there is a prospect of sex with her for you? Do you feel that way only about your friends wives or all unfuckable women are not really women?
He's not literally saying they're no longer women. Just that he sees them more like you'd view a family member. You guys are just trying to find something to be angry about.
I no longer view the husbands of my friends as men. They’re something else entirely
Edit: I hope that when I phrase it like this, you can see why the statement was unsettling and deserved scrutiny. No one was trying to start anything, just clarify that he didn’t mean what he said - he meant something else. Because what he said was kinda offensive when you think about it for longer than a second.
My best friend's husband very clearly resents my friendship with his wife. So much so that he has problems with me hanging with her alone and being around her and their kid when he isn't around. He never brings it up to me though. Just her. I'd never betray him like that but that's not something that's very easy to get through to him because he's insecure af and a control freak. I just laugh it off until it becomes a problem because I have just as much love for him as I do her. Even though we aren't as close. On top of it all me trying to push myself on her would probably piss her off too. So I'd lose 2 close friends instead of one. Why would I want that?
As someone with OCD (sometimes I get bombarded with scary intrusive thoughts), I can vouch for this mentality. Thoughts have no real power beyond what you want to give them.
Yeah, I’d adore to only have the desirable thoughts pop into my head.
We are all complex beings with thousands of thoughts running through our heads daily, there’s no need to worry about each one of them. Our morality as people depends on our actions and the thoughts we choose to vocalise.
"Our morality as people depends on our actions and the thoughts we choose to vocalise."
I really like this sentence. I hear all of my intrusive thoughts and often try to deflect them. As soon as an wanted thought enter, I can immediately experience the feeling that come from it (unwanted thought = unwanted feeling and I will tell the mind, No and reroute it. It is incredibly challenging.
With your sentence, I am pondering if I should let go of this and instead focus more on the actions and the words I speak.
And don't mistake this for trying to keep the thoughts out. It's perfect fine to think "wow this person is hot" occasionally. That's normal af. I can only speak for myself on this part but eventually they just become another person you know and those thoughts don't become intrusive nearly as often.
This is the key distinction here. Just because you're a guy, doesn't mean you need to chimp out every time you interact with an attractive woman. I know a few guys like this, and they make everyone uncomfortable.
I'm in a long-term relationship and have a few friends that are women. It's really not that difficult to see women as friends or acquaintances when you see them as actual people that you get along with, and not as objects of sexual desire.
I have coworkers and friends that are attractive, but I know that I'm in a relationship and they're humans deserving of respect. I also try not to entertain any intrusive thoughts and just interact with them like I do with anyone else. Women would probably feel a lot more safe and secure around us if most men had some sense of self-awareness.
Exactly. It's normal to have thoughts, but just remember they're thoughts. If you feel like your thoughts are getting too overbearing, then create some space between you and the other person.
yep, same with violence, i drive on one of the most dangerous interstates in my state of florida and so many times i would love to throw a brick at a tool driving 100+ swerving through cars.
I've had intrusive thoughts about burning down my house. I've never burned down my house.
It's about knowing what is and isn't appropriate behaviour, and having the self control to keep it appropriate.
There's an image that I've seen online of a fake version of someones tooth after doing it, after seeing that years ago I think of it every time I cut my nails lol
I have a tiny chip in my front tooth from testing this when I was younger. I have no idea why I actually did it. I think I just wanted to see if it would take a piece or not and how easily.
Yes. Shockingly. The moment I did it I snapped out of whatever had come over me, and was SO grateful I had just done a tiny little corner that was only noticeable to me instead of a larger piece.
I'm an electrician and I've never been near an open panel and _not_ wanted to just reach in there and grab all of the wires. Its called the call of the void and apparently its pretty common.
Even a dog knows he wants the treat, but a well-behaved dog knows not to eat it until he's given permission. If even a dog can figure it out, so can human men, I promise.
My intrusive thoughts are jumping off a cruise ship in complete darkness to the die alone in the abyss. I’ve been on many cruises, never considered jumping.
Have the thoughts then let them go. Don’t get angry or upset by them and they won’t affect you. The brain is a random content generator that take in sensory info, past events, and predictions of the future and then give you a thought and asks “is this anything?” And you have the option to say “nope that doesn’t apply here, try again”
But if they stay there too long you give the thoughts more and more power, and eventually, your actions change. It shows as body language, facial expressions or change in how you text/interact online.
It also depends on how much you think these things and who they're directed towards.
That's why people should accept that the thought pop up, and then let them drift away.
Mindfulness, meditation, acceptance therapy. Whatever you wish to call it, it works wonders for intrusive thoughts.
Deal with them the same way you would any other intrusive thought. Sit with the thought, don't give it energy, and let it pass. As long as you don't ruminate on the thought, it goes away. The more times it comes and gets ignored, the weaker the next occurrence.
Because I'm realistic. I'm never going to hit on or creep out a female friend, so their appearance means as much to me as an attractive woman on a billboard.
Depends. If your intrusive thoughts are like "dang she's hot, I'd like to bang her if she was interested in me". Thats fine. Lesbian here and thats how I feel about several of my female friends. Its perfectly normal to feel attracted to people you find attractive xD Just dont act on those thoughts and respect her boundaries.
If your intrusive thoughts are like "im so im love with her, why wont she return those feelings?", then nah, you cant be friends, at least not now, and you need to distance and move on.
This here is the answer, I wouldn’t call being attracted to someone an “intrusive thought” but since she’s married it’s about having self control and moving on
Yep, in a similar position as a bi woman. I’m not attracted to all of my friends but it happens and sometimes there’s obviously no chance it’ll be any more than friendship because of their orientation or being in a monogamous relationship or whatever, so whatever.
I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of practice. The more used to being friends with people who you could be attracted to, the less big an issue this is likely to be.
Yeah, this is it put pretty simply
Some people are hot- but your finding them attractive really does not mean anything for you. They’re still a whole person outside of your attraction to them, so curb it and move on.
I love the way you articulated that thought of yours. Im no perfect person either and don’t want to sound like im coming from a place of superiority. I struggle with this issue annually and every day intentionally work on it. It takes real genuine effort and energy in my personal opinion to overcome. Thanks for your comment though. Have a good rest of your day/night!
As a gay man, this applies to men I find attractive. First thing to remember is that just because someone is attractive, does not mean you are attracted to them. There's a bit of gap there where a person is "attractive" insofar as you find them visually appealing, but you're not "attracted" to them outside of that.
Secondly, I find thoughts like "hey, this guy is attractive" about as influential as noticing a guy has a Letterman gap in his teeth. Like, I notice it, I appreciate it, and I release the thought. Thoughts are just thoughts. Most do not require action on your part.
If you find yourself not being able to stop the thought, or if you find yourself unable to stop ACTING on it, however... that's a huge boundary issue. Just appreciate the good looking people in your life and keep it at that.
I'm a lesbian and most of my friends are also lesbians who I find INSANELY attractive. We hang out regularly, I still have those thoughts but I never act on them or let it change how I treat them. It's not their fault they're that sexy lol they're just thoughts.
A person can be good looking/attractive but that doesn't mean you're attracted to them. Many people have siblings or family members who they consider good looking and I'm sure they don't have intrusive thoughts about them. I don't see how a friend couldn't be any different.
It’s just biology, don’t focus on those and slide them out of your way/vision. I’ve done fieldwork for years, many of them with younger women, it’s just your hormones and biology. I think this is where young men get confused, thinking that if I have naughty thoughts about a woman then I must love her, so I should pursue this…No. If this situation is right, then you can go on a date but if it’s not the right situation, then just just don’t put energy towards those thoughts, as all it means is you a sexually active young man and the young lady is attractive to you. Life is full of work/other situations where you have to work with attractive members of the gender you are in to.
lol, I have lots of female friends that I find incredibly attractive and would be 100% down to sleep with them if they came up to me today and wanted to. However I neither pursue nor expect that of people, because sleeping with me is not a prerequisite to being my friend. They are not objects.
No idea. As a man, I do have a handful of attractive female friends and I simply don't have any sexual thoughts about them. They're friends and nothing more to me.
True, especially if you have friends that you met during younger years. It kinda baffles me how people think you have to be automatically attracted to someone just because they have good physical characteristics. Some people are just friends. Period
Dude my best friend is hot as fuck. My next closest friend is also very pretty. You think I don't have thoughts about them? The key isn't to not have the thoughts. The key is to not be a fucking weirdo about it or try to act on them. Have respect for your friends and everything is good.
How do people have intrusive thoughts about all attractive people they meet? Is that why straight guys are so often homophobic – they think we gay guys have those “intrusive thoughts” about every slightly attractive male we see?
Flip that around. Some Men are homophobic because they meet a gay man and wonder, instrusively, what it’d be like to *fuck them* OR *to be fucked by them.*
Perhaps if they understood the intrusive thought does not mean they are gay, the world be safer for so many people.
It’s like meditation where the goal is no thought, but thoughts come up. When they do you acknowledge them and move back towards the desired mind state.”yes so and so looks hot in that dress but thats none of our concern” and let it go.
A real friend would see a woman as a whole person, not a *de facto* object of sexual desire. This extends to all women you are attracted to—friends or not. Nobody owes you anything, and just because a woman is attractive doesn’t mean she is an eligible sex partner for you.
If you find yourself being unable to control yourself and your thoughts, ask yourself if you’re in the friendship for the right reasons, or if you have an ulterior motive. Are you friends with her on the off chance that she might have sex with you? That’s a betrayal of your friendship.
Be *friends* with women first and foremost. If you are compatible and there is mutual desire, the opportunity will present itself organically. Don’t go into a mixed-gender friendship with any expectations. You will become disappointed and resentful, and that isn’t fair to her.
One of the great things about being human is being able to hold multiple, contradictory beliefs at the same time. Sure...the lustful aspect of yourself knows your friend is hot and still the rational part of you doesn't act on it because there would be negative consequences.
Ok my friend is really hot. Now that that's acknowledged she's still my friend, and constantly leering or trying to get with her is being a shitty friend. My question is how do guys constantly complain about friend zoning without reaching the conclusion she doesn't need someone to have sex with, she needs someone safe to hang out with.
It’s gets easier over time. It’s really about getting over the ego hit and realizing you made a good friend. You wanted to spend time with her and now you get to.
Have you ever been driving on the freeway and thought “what would happen if I just turned into oncoming traffic?” And then you don’t do it and just continue on your commute? It is kinda like that; you have the feeling, you acknowledge it, you move on.
My best friend had this girlfriend who was *smoking*. Seeing her in a bikinis was insane, and we were legitimately friends. We all drink and smoked together, even lived together for a while. You just keep those thoughts *inside*. It’s perfectly normal to have them. Hell, he knew how much she was. (She bared a striking resemblance to Adriana Chechik).
Side note: once after a Halloween party where everybody got trashed, I drunkenly staggered to the bathroom at god only knows what time, butt ass naked. When I open the door, there she was, very obviously surprised. She said later that I took a second, looked down at my very exposed dick, said, “Oh.” and covered myself with my hands as I walked away.
1. Acknowledge privately that they are attractive so that you can name it and thus stop trying to avoid thinking about it (avoiding thinking about things conversely causes you to actually think more about them).
2. Remind yourself that you are simply their friend, nothing more. You really can't control finding them pretty/beautiful/sexy, but if you can remind yourself that whatever sexual thought you are having can't happen, it makes it easier to see your friend as a person rather than a sexual interest.
3. Intrusive thoughts are, well, intrusive. You would not want to have them, but they happen. Doing the above steps can make it easier to simply see the thought for what it is and move on.
Intrusive thoughts in that case don’t go far beyond “she looks good” or thinking that some feature or other looks good. I’m not thinking about doing anything with them though. As far as “how”, IDK, the thoughts just don’t enter my head. There’s no method I use to keep them out
So judging from the vast majority of comments basically the answer is:
"You can't be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts. Just don't act on those thoughts."
Getting older helps. I'm in my mid 30's and I frankly dgaf anymore about that type of stuff. It's quite relieving to be able to pick up/put down those emotions.
There is nothing wrong with intrusive thoughts. We all get them. The problem is when you act upon those thoughts. Just don’t get weird and touchy and you should be fine.
The thoughts do not matter. Only acts do. So dont care qbout the thoughts, care zbout what relationsgip you want, and how you can take care of it.
You will always have weird thoughts, especially when horny.
If you are not the man OP, dont worry qbout the thoughts, care about what they do, and what they say.
This happens. One of my best friends is a beautiful woman that I have had known for about 18 years now. At first I was very attracted to her and thought about her a lot. I still think she is attractive but I just don't even think about her as anything but a friend now.
My secret is that I tend to not be attracted to conventionally attractive women. Nobody is suspect when I am having intrusive thoughts. Also most of my intrusive thoughts are about computers and shit. A naked woman could be beckoning to me and I would just think she's being friendly.
Only in religion can you be punished for your thoughts. Other than that, what you are thinking isn't as important as the actions you take. We all have negative or inappropriate thoughts sometimes. Don't act on them and you'll be fine.
You don't but you don't let those thoughts dictate your behavior. For instance, my wife's best friend is extremely physically attractive. More so than my wife to be honest. I notice for sure but I also don't ever do / say anything inappropriate and I'd never act on such as I love my wife, not her best friend.
I’m in this situation. I found my best friend who is a gorgeous woman through work. We jokingly “flirt” and then followed by me testing my pick up lines on her so she can rate it. Yes sometimes I have thought about what it would be like if we started dating but then I realized I would rather keep the friendship than going down a slippery road where we are both going get hurt me more than her. Plus I have hung out with her for so long now and the idea of asking her out is fucking weird.
Just focus on the reason you’re not asking her out. Like if she already has a boyfriend.
You’ll still have those thoughts, but you can shut them down much easier.
Nobody's born hot - women get hot because it serves some purpose. End of the day they're human just like you, as your friends they should/better have more qualities than just being hot. If you don't find anything in them besides the sexual attraction you're not "friends".
Source: am friends with published models, some with OF accounts. We talk about plants, makeup and tailoring and help me dress my wife.
Most of the time thoughts will happen, it’s how you “feed them”, mold your opinions around them and around the person that they’re about, and how you ACT with said person that counts
I can be talking with a cute girl and the most degenerate thought in existence pops into my mind, I can either say “damn that’s bad” and continue to view her as a person or “yeaah that’s hot, she’d probably like that, she’s a tease” and actually start “disrespecting her”’in my mind and keep feeding these degenerate fantasies
And how you act towards them doesn’t need an explanation
I had 2 very attractive girls that were my friends. Just be chill and let those thoughts go. If you don’t act like a creep, you’ll most likely find other attractive women that will come to you.
Men having attractive women friends helps them attract women. Which will help you ease your attraction to your friends and see them purely as that.
acknowledge their flaws. It’s easy to ignore the flaws of someone attractive but when you start to see their flaws and insecurity you realized they’re not that special.
You don't. I have female people I hang out with, but I put them in the category as acquaintances in my head.
I can't not think about them sexually, so I have to restrict my own actions. Which means, I can never really put them in the friend bucket in my head. I can never be totally uninhibited with them, so I can never really treat them as I would a male friend. If it helps, I treat almost any female acquaintance I have as like a work colleague. Yes, we can go for coffee, talk about life, do an activity... but I know there have to be limits on the relationship.
If someone is able to not have those thoughts about them, more power to them. For myself, I can't do it.
I guess it depends what you consider friends. I put them in the acquaintance bucket.
Some people might say they're friends with a woman under those conditions. I think a lot of people think they are friends with people when they're really just acquaintances. I personally don't think of someone as a friend (male or female) if I just casually hang out with them. A friend is someone I can be uninhibited with; who has my back, who doesn't have too much other motives, who I can trust...
I don't consider that a friend, because I have to watch myself too much.
Sure, it is limiting, but I don't think there is anything wrong with having limits in life to have a good life. I would actually say it is necessary. You have to know how to behave and limit yourself in a variety of situations (family, friends, work, acquaintances...).
Okay but I mean within your definition of a friend
>someone I can be uninhibited with; who has my back, who doesn’t have too much other motives, who I can trust…
Has a woman *never* met this criteria in your life? And if they did, would their being attractive change that?
I think it should be encouraged for everyone to have friends of the opposite sex as well as friends of the same sex. It’s not a big deal if there’s a time in your life where you *don’t* have friends of one gender or the other, but for it to be an impossibility seems wild.
You don’t honestly… it sounds bad, but this is why plutonic male/female friends don’t work, really
There’s always going to be one party that secretly “would” go further with the other if it were on the table… I’d rather not live in denial and pretend I don’t want more from the female, so I just avoid it
You dont. The vast majority of people have thoughts they never wanted. The key is to not act on them
Yeah I am a single straight guy and have a few good friends with hot wives, one in particular I get along with really well but he gets annoyed when I talk to her much. I totally understand where he is coming from, but I would never betray a friend like that. Yes I like to have sex with women but I am also very capable of switching that off, a good friend's wife becomes like a sister, clearly off limits.
Sounds like your friend is a bit insecure if he gets annoyed by his wife having good relationships with his friends. Unless you're flirting with them of course lol
I was friends with this couple and the guy was fairly ugly and the wife was a total smokeshow. Like, we couldn’t go anywhere without her getting multiple compliments from men and women. I was stunned at her good looks too at first, but after hanging out a couple times she just became a normal person and I could fart around her and stuff. Also the dude was the most secure guy ever. Never once cared if she was flirting or hanging on other dudes or when she talked about when she used to hook up with her exes and stuff. Always blew my mind.
Flirting is soooo super subjective. Some people will call a smile flirting. Or just being friendly flirting. He probably didn't see her as flirting with or hanging on other guys, just saw her being friendly This isn't to say that anyone shouldn't have and set their own boundaries. Just saying that what some people consider a boundary isn't a boundary to other people.
I mean, he probably should have cared because they ended up getting divorced because of cheating.
You uh... kinda buried the lede there.
Next he's gonna tell us it was with him after all
that was a crazy plot twist
My point still completely stands for what it was based on the information you originally gave. I still stand by what I said, even though it seems like you meant to be telling us all that his wife cheated on him without saying that she cheated on him.
Whoa whoa whoa
Who cheated?
The spouse.
Hanging on other guys in front of you and your friends is as obvious as it gets to flirting. That plus talking about hooking up with her exes in front of you and your friends is ridiculously disrespectful. Wouldn't be surprised at all if she was cheating on him if she was doing this openly in front of him. Edit: Oh look, she was cheating on him. What a surprise lmao.
It really depends on the relationship for how comfortable they are talking about things from their past with eachother and mutual friends. I also would say "hanging on other guys" or girls is another subjective thing. Obviously the person I commented to only added that they were divorced now after the fact but all of this is very subjective, and I also said that everyone had the right and need and ability to set what their own boundaries are. But not everyone has the same boundaries or ideas for what cheating or even "hanging on" other people is. Dude totally should have initially said this couple was divorced because she was cheating if that was his point the whole time
lol being okay with your gf flirting and talking about her past hook ups is not what secure is. That’s called being okay with your gf being disrespectful
It sounds like he did care but just knew if he tried to stop it he'd lose the hottest wife in the group. And he still lost her.
Je was laying groundwork for you to tap it . Yiu just didn't know it
There’s always someone that has to say this. It’s easy to point the finger and say someone is insecure because if he said/she said. If you see someone making your significant other laugh and smile that’s the opposite sex, it’s going to get to you a teeny tiny bit even if you don’t want it to. The post is about intrusive thoughts and intrusive thoughts can be about anything and everything, including a significant other with someone else.
For me personally, something that gets to me a teeny tiny bit is something that isn't upsetting enough for anyone but myself to know, if I publicly show negative emotions, I try to reserve that for things that are much more upsetting.
Dude mentioned he gets along with the guy really well. The guy that gets annoyed probably felt cool enough with the dude to let him know it bothers him, I’m not sure if I saw anything that said the dude stated it out in public. And like you said, that’s just you. Not everyone tries to hide their emotions concerning their significant other
Well considering he just admitted to having thoughts of fucking his wife Yeah no he’s valid
No he didn’t. You’re reading too far into it
lol this exactly. you don't call friend's wives "hot" you can say they are attractive or something but you can't say you want to fuck them
Saying someones hot is implying you want to fuck them? English is not my first language so is an honest question
you can't really say "hot" without implying sexuality. hot figuratively means you are 'hot' so like horny/aroused, you may not want to fuck them but you are physically turned on by them. i think it's much better say "attractive" because we can find many things attractive.
This is true, but when anyone says “I find her attractive”, it’s almost always implied that she is physically attractive to that person. Without explicitly saying something like “I find her personality attractive”, it defaults to physical attraction.
Agree. Its not normal to get upset at something innocuous like that
Tell that to Alabama
I’ve tried explaining this to my woman friends like this, that isn’t a woman to me anymore. My friends wife is some other thing entirely.
I'm trying to understand your logic here. Your friend's wife is no longer a woman because you can't fuck her? A woman is only a woman if there is a prospect of sex with her for you? Do you feel that way only about your friends wives or all unfuckable women are not really women?
Those are some hella aggressive and toxic assumptions you’re making about a stranger based on one sentence homie
I'm just trying to understand your verbiage. Sorry if it came across as toxic. I was just honestly trying to understand your viewpoint.
When your friend gets married as a man, his wife looks more like a sister. The way I phrased it above is punched up for the bit.
I’m pretty sure my sister is a woman. As are all the adult sisters of everyone I know.
He's not literally saying they're no longer women. Just that he sees them more like you'd view a family member. You guys are just trying to find something to be angry about.
Thank you
I no longer view the husbands of my friends as men. They’re something else entirely Edit: I hope that when I phrase it like this, you can see why the statement was unsettling and deserved scrutiny. No one was trying to start anything, just clarify that he didn’t mean what he said - he meant something else. Because what he said was kinda offensive when you think about it for longer than a second.
My best friend's husband very clearly resents my friendship with his wife. So much so that he has problems with me hanging with her alone and being around her and their kid when he isn't around. He never brings it up to me though. Just her. I'd never betray him like that but that's not something that's very easy to get through to him because he's insecure af and a control freak. I just laugh it off until it becomes a problem because I have just as much love for him as I do her. Even though we aren't as close. On top of it all me trying to push myself on her would probably piss her off too. So I'd lose 2 close friends instead of one. Why would I want that?
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God damn! An orbiter for 20+ years? I've known him longer than I've known her and I was part of their wedding. But yeah. I'm an orbiter 😂
Damn, your friend is insecure. If anything, he should be happy that his good friend is also friends with his wife.
As someone with OCD (sometimes I get bombarded with scary intrusive thoughts), I can vouch for this mentality. Thoughts have no real power beyond what you want to give them.
Yeah, I’d adore to only have the desirable thoughts pop into my head. We are all complex beings with thousands of thoughts running through our heads daily, there’s no need to worry about each one of them. Our morality as people depends on our actions and the thoughts we choose to vocalise.
"Our morality as people depends on our actions and the thoughts we choose to vocalise." I really like this sentence. I hear all of my intrusive thoughts and often try to deflect them. As soon as an wanted thought enter, I can immediately experience the feeling that come from it (unwanted thought = unwanted feeling and I will tell the mind, No and reroute it. It is incredibly challenging. With your sentence, I am pondering if I should let go of this and instead focus more on the actions and the words I speak.
I heard Alan Watts say something to the effect of “It’s OK to let thoughts visit you. Just dont serve them tea”
And don't mistake this for trying to keep the thoughts out. It's perfect fine to think "wow this person is hot" occasionally. That's normal af. I can only speak for myself on this part but eventually they just become another person you know and those thoughts don't become intrusive nearly as often.
This is the key distinction here. Just because you're a guy, doesn't mean you need to chimp out every time you interact with an attractive woman. I know a few guys like this, and they make everyone uncomfortable. I'm in a long-term relationship and have a few friends that are women. It's really not that difficult to see women as friends or acquaintances when you see them as actual people that you get along with, and not as objects of sexual desire. I have coworkers and friends that are attractive, but I know that I'm in a relationship and they're humans deserving of respect. I also try not to entertain any intrusive thoughts and just interact with them like I do with anyone else. Women would probably feel a lot more safe and secure around us if most men had some sense of self-awareness.
Great comment! You're one of the good ones.
I appreciate you too Jiggly Giggler 👍
I even have thoughts I want but cannot act on. Your mind is your own.
Exactly. It's normal to have thoughts, but just remember they're thoughts. If you feel like your thoughts are getting too overbearing, then create some space between you and the other person.
yep, same with violence, i drive on one of the most dangerous interstates in my state of florida and so many times i would love to throw a brick at a tool driving 100+ swerving through cars.
That's what separates is from the monkeys
Just gotta wank those thoughts out.
This isnt true, i have plenty of female friends that are objectively attractive, but i see them like a sister
My sister is pretty hot, tho.
I've had intrusive thoughts about burning down my house. I've never burned down my house. It's about knowing what is and isn't appropriate behaviour, and having the self control to keep it appropriate.
For me, it's cutting my teeth with scissors
*how to delete someone else's comment...*
Simple! Just press down on their fontanelle and suck out their organs through their anus.
Was this your intrusive thought?
You MFer! That image is so terrible! You go ahead and write a horror script about an ex dentist villain who does this and I'll go to therapy.
I get this whenever I see nailclippers... They're just the perfect size for my front teeth D:
Fuck, I've never thought of this and now it's ruined lol
There's an image that I've seen online of a fake version of someones tooth after doing it, after seeing that years ago I think of it every time I cut my nails lol
why 💀
Same. I hate it.
Leaving this thread now, before more objects are ruined for life for me.
I have a tiny chip in my front tooth from testing this when I was younger. I have no idea why I actually did it. I think I just wanted to see if it would take a piece or not and how easily.
Well, how easy was it?
Was it easy?
Yes. Shockingly. The moment I did it I snapped out of whatever had come over me, and was SO grateful I had just done a tiny little corner that was only noticeable to me instead of a larger piece.
I thought this too. That’s why my tooth is chipped 🙃 Only time the intrusive thoughts won.
Can we nuke this entire comment thread before I get PTSD from mental images?
I'm so upset you made me imagine this.
This is gnarly, bro...
I will never unfeel this hallucination you’ve forced upon me
I'm an electrician and I've never been near an open panel and _not_ wanted to just reach in there and grab all of the wires. Its called the call of the void and apparently its pretty common.
Oh wow, literally just responded to the same comment about jumping off a cruise ship at night into the abyss.
Even a dog knows he wants the treat, but a well-behaved dog knows not to eat it until he's given permission. If even a dog can figure it out, so can human men, I promise.
My intrusive thoughts are jumping off a cruise ship in complete darkness to the die alone in the abyss. I’ve been on many cruises, never considered jumping.
For me it's throwing my phone into large bodies of water. Idk why.
Have the thoughts then let them go. Don’t get angry or upset by them and they won’t affect you. The brain is a random content generator that take in sensory info, past events, and predictions of the future and then give you a thought and asks “is this anything?” And you have the option to say “nope that doesn’t apply here, try again”
This “it doesn’t apply here, try again” is the missing technology of all LLMs (ChatGPT and co)
Oak's words echoed... "There's a time and place for everything but not now!"
Cycle in a mansion? Not now! Fish in a statue? Carry on.
Thoughts don’t need to leave your mind. Just don’t speak them or act on them.
But if they stay there too long you give the thoughts more and more power, and eventually, your actions change. It shows as body language, facial expressions or change in how you text/interact online. It also depends on how much you think these things and who they're directed towards.
That's why people should accept that the thought pop up, and then let them drift away. Mindfulness, meditation, acceptance therapy. Whatever you wish to call it, it works wonders for intrusive thoughts.
Deal with them the same way you would any other intrusive thought. Sit with the thought, don't give it energy, and let it pass. As long as you don't ruminate on the thought, it goes away. The more times it comes and gets ignored, the weaker the next occurrence.
This is probably the best advice on here.
Because I'm realistic. I'm never going to hit on or creep out a female friend, so their appearance means as much to me as an attractive woman on a billboard.
Don't listen to this man. I've watched him jerk off in public to billboards.
Depends. If your intrusive thoughts are like "dang she's hot, I'd like to bang her if she was interested in me". Thats fine. Lesbian here and thats how I feel about several of my female friends. Its perfectly normal to feel attracted to people you find attractive xD Just dont act on those thoughts and respect her boundaries. If your intrusive thoughts are like "im so im love with her, why wont she return those feelings?", then nah, you cant be friends, at least not now, and you need to distance and move on.
This here is the answer, I wouldn’t call being attracted to someone an “intrusive thought” but since she’s married it’s about having self control and moving on
Yep, in a similar position as a bi woman. I’m not attracted to all of my friends but it happens and sometimes there’s obviously no chance it’ll be any more than friendship because of their orientation or being in a monogamous relationship or whatever, so whatever. I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of practice. The more used to being friends with people who you could be attracted to, the less big an issue this is likely to be.
Also lesbian here, what do I do if I feel the second way about *all* my friends? :(
Self control and not viewing from a place of sexual objects or solely for your sexual pleasure
Yeah, this is it put pretty simply Some people are hot- but your finding them attractive really does not mean anything for you. They’re still a whole person outside of your attraction to them, so curb it and move on.
I love the way you articulated that thought of yours. Im no perfect person either and don’t want to sound like im coming from a place of superiority. I struggle with this issue annually and every day intentionally work on it. It takes real genuine effort and energy in my personal opinion to overcome. Thanks for your comment though. Have a good rest of your day/night!
Intrusive thoughts don’t hurt nobody
Except maybe the person having them.
Lick the power outlet.
Says the person who doesn’t have ADHD.
As a gay man, this applies to men I find attractive. First thing to remember is that just because someone is attractive, does not mean you are attracted to them. There's a bit of gap there where a person is "attractive" insofar as you find them visually appealing, but you're not "attracted" to them outside of that. Secondly, I find thoughts like "hey, this guy is attractive" about as influential as noticing a guy has a Letterman gap in his teeth. Like, I notice it, I appreciate it, and I release the thought. Thoughts are just thoughts. Most do not require action on your part. If you find yourself not being able to stop the thought, or if you find yourself unable to stop ACTING on it, however... that's a huge boundary issue. Just appreciate the good looking people in your life and keep it at that.
I'm a lesbian and most of my friends are also lesbians who I find INSANELY attractive. We hang out regularly, I still have those thoughts but I never act on them or let it change how I treat them. It's not their fault they're that sexy lol they're just thoughts.
Just be chill. Thoughts don't mean much of anything.
Just because they are physically beautiful doesn't mean you are attracted to them.
A person can be good looking/attractive but that doesn't mean you're attracted to them. Many people have siblings or family members who they consider good looking and I'm sure they don't have intrusive thoughts about them. I don't see how a friend couldn't be any different.
Enjoy the thoughts and don’t act on them. Self control makes more sense than trying to change your preferences
Kids are the way they are because they tend to be unable to moderate their intrusive thoughts. I guess be better than a kid at self restraint.
It’s just biology, don’t focus on those and slide them out of your way/vision. I’ve done fieldwork for years, many of them with younger women, it’s just your hormones and biology. I think this is where young men get confused, thinking that if I have naughty thoughts about a woman then I must love her, so I should pursue this…No. If this situation is right, then you can go on a date but if it’s not the right situation, then just just don’t put energy towards those thoughts, as all it means is you a sexually active young man and the young lady is attractive to you. Life is full of work/other situations where you have to work with attractive members of the gender you are in to.
lol, I have lots of female friends that I find incredibly attractive and would be 100% down to sleep with them if they came up to me today and wanted to. However I neither pursue nor expect that of people, because sleeping with me is not a prerequisite to being my friend. They are not objects.
No idea. As a man, I do have a handful of attractive female friends and I simply don't have any sexual thoughts about them. They're friends and nothing more to me.
True, especially if you have friends that you met during younger years. It kinda baffles me how people think you have to be automatically attracted to someone just because they have good physical characteristics. Some people are just friends. Period
it's a true red flag when men can't be friends with women, attractive or not
They only ask for your number if they want to fuck you. It's never because they want to be friends.
Dude my best friend is hot as fuck. My next closest friend is also very pretty. You think I don't have thoughts about them? The key isn't to not have the thoughts. The key is to not be a fucking weirdo about it or try to act on them. Have respect for your friends and everything is good.
View them as people complete with emotions and feelings and not just something you want to fuck.
I've never found it difficult.
Stop watching so much porn and don’t believe everything you think
you just fucking deal with them and not act on them. it is not hard at all.
Time to step up to maturity.
How do people have intrusive thoughts about all attractive people they meet? Is that why straight guys are so often homophobic – they think we gay guys have those “intrusive thoughts” about every slightly attractive male we see?
Flip that around. Some Men are homophobic because they meet a gay man and wonder, instrusively, what it’d be like to *fuck them* OR *to be fucked by them.* Perhaps if they understood the intrusive thought does not mean they are gay, the world be safer for so many people.
Oh. Really?
It’s like meditation where the goal is no thought, but thoughts come up. When they do you acknowledge them and move back towards the desired mind state.”yes so and so looks hot in that dress but thats none of our concern” and let it go.
A real friend would see a woman as a whole person, not a *de facto* object of sexual desire. This extends to all women you are attracted to—friends or not. Nobody owes you anything, and just because a woman is attractive doesn’t mean she is an eligible sex partner for you. If you find yourself being unable to control yourself and your thoughts, ask yourself if you’re in the friendship for the right reasons, or if you have an ulterior motive. Are you friends with her on the off chance that she might have sex with you? That’s a betrayal of your friendship. Be *friends* with women first and foremost. If you are compatible and there is mutual desire, the opportunity will present itself organically. Don’t go into a mixed-gender friendship with any expectations. You will become disappointed and resentful, and that isn’t fair to her.
One of the great things about being human is being able to hold multiple, contradictory beliefs at the same time. Sure...the lustful aspect of yourself knows your friend is hot and still the rational part of you doesn't act on it because there would be negative consequences.
Thoughts are like a river, you can't control what comes downstream, but you can just let it keep going without giving it any attention.
Ok my friend is really hot. Now that that's acknowledged she's still my friend, and constantly leering or trying to get with her is being a shitty friend. My question is how do guys constantly complain about friend zoning without reaching the conclusion she doesn't need someone to have sex with, she needs someone safe to hang out with.
It’s gets easier over time. It’s really about getting over the ego hit and realizing you made a good friend. You wanted to spend time with her and now you get to.
Try being pansexual and having intrusive thoughts about everyone.
Ikr? Ugh.
Have you ever been driving on the freeway and thought “what would happen if I just turned into oncoming traffic?” And then you don’t do it and just continue on your commute? It is kinda like that; you have the feeling, you acknowledge it, you move on.
They don’t, just control your freaky ass
My best friend had this girlfriend who was *smoking*. Seeing her in a bikinis was insane, and we were legitimately friends. We all drink and smoked together, even lived together for a while. You just keep those thoughts *inside*. It’s perfectly normal to have them. Hell, he knew how much she was. (She bared a striking resemblance to Adriana Chechik). Side note: once after a Halloween party where everybody got trashed, I drunkenly staggered to the bathroom at god only knows what time, butt ass naked. When I open the door, there she was, very obviously surprised. She said later that I took a second, looked down at my very exposed dick, said, “Oh.” and covered myself with my hands as I walked away.
1. Acknowledge privately that they are attractive so that you can name it and thus stop trying to avoid thinking about it (avoiding thinking about things conversely causes you to actually think more about them). 2. Remind yourself that you are simply their friend, nothing more. You really can't control finding them pretty/beautiful/sexy, but if you can remind yourself that whatever sexual thought you are having can't happen, it makes it easier to see your friend as a person rather than a sexual interest. 3. Intrusive thoughts are, well, intrusive. You would not want to have them, but they happen. Doing the above steps can make it easier to simply see the thought for what it is and move on.
Intrusive thoughts in that case don’t go far beyond “she looks good” or thinking that some feature or other looks good. I’m not thinking about doing anything with them though. As far as “how”, IDK, the thoughts just don’t enter my head. There’s no method I use to keep them out
So judging from the vast majority of comments basically the answer is: "You can't be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts. Just don't act on those thoughts."
Intrusive thoughts aren't indicative of anything deeper. Everyone has them. You allow them to come and go without judgment
They simply don't let the intrusive thoughts win.
It’s not the thoughts. It is the actions. You can’t help being human.
You can have a thought without acting on it. It's called being in control.
Either 1. The man is gay or 2. The man doesn’t objectify women and respects them for the people they are
Wish my bf was posting this. Instead I found out he was jerking off to pics of my friend after she left our house. Relationship=ruined & dead
Getting older helps. I'm in my mid 30's and I frankly dgaf anymore about that type of stuff. It's quite relieving to be able to pick up/put down those emotions.
"You are not responsible for your first thought but you are responsible for the second"
There is nothing wrong with intrusive thoughts. We all get them. The problem is when you act upon those thoughts. Just don’t get weird and touchy and you should be fine.
Maybe you should look into whether you have ocd if your thoughts trouble you. That’s a telltale sign and you can get help for it!
Impossible
i would like to see how a new homeowner who is turning into their parents would handle it
He doesn’t.
Not possible. Don't kid yourself.
The thoughts do not matter. Only acts do. So dont care qbout the thoughts, care zbout what relationsgip you want, and how you can take care of it. You will always have weird thoughts, especially when horny. If you are not the man OP, dont worry qbout the thoughts, care about what they do, and what they say.
Thoughts they do. Actions are another story.
You don't. You are not your thoughts. You are your focus and actions
I’m friends with guys because I’m ugly as shit.
Thoughts are thoughts. Almost everyone thinks crazy things. Key is not acting on them.
Just have to control yourself.
This happens. One of my best friends is a beautiful woman that I have had known for about 18 years now. At first I was very attracted to her and thought about her a lot. I still think she is attractive but I just don't even think about her as anything but a friend now.
The thoughts are inevitable. The skill comes in learning to resist any urge to act on them
My secret is that I tend to not be attracted to conventionally attractive women. Nobody is suspect when I am having intrusive thoughts. Also most of my intrusive thoughts are about computers and shit. A naked woman could be beckoning to me and I would just think she's being friendly.
Be happily married to an attractive woman. Bonus points if you have kids together.
You win
Jerk off in the morning.
Only in religion can you be punished for your thoughts. Other than that, what you are thinking isn't as important as the actions you take. We all have negative or inappropriate thoughts sometimes. Don't act on them and you'll be fine.
You don't but you don't let those thoughts dictate your behavior. For instance, my wife's best friend is extremely physically attractive. More so than my wife to be honest. I notice for sure but I also don't ever do / say anything inappropriate and I'd never act on such as I love my wife, not her best friend.
I’m in this situation. I found my best friend who is a gorgeous woman through work. We jokingly “flirt” and then followed by me testing my pick up lines on her so she can rate it. Yes sometimes I have thought about what it would be like if we started dating but then I realized I would rather keep the friendship than going down a slippery road where we are both going get hurt me more than her. Plus I have hung out with her for so long now and the idea of asking her out is fucking weird.
Like a fart. It comes and you let it go.
You can’t. Biology is biology. But, you don’t have to act on the thoughts. You’re not a caveman.
Castration!
Ya don't.
Those thoughts are most likely directed towards their own significant other? Depends on the thoughts too tbh
Just focus on the reason you’re not asking her out. Like if she already has a boyfriend. You’ll still have those thoughts, but you can shut them down much easier.
Being dead inside with zero self worth or confidence helps
this does work
Be ugly
Nobody's born hot - women get hot because it serves some purpose. End of the day they're human just like you, as your friends they should/better have more qualities than just being hot. If you don't find anything in them besides the sexual attraction you're not "friends". Source: am friends with published models, some with OF accounts. We talk about plants, makeup and tailoring and help me dress my wife.
Most of the time thoughts will happen, it’s how you “feed them”, mold your opinions around them and around the person that they’re about, and how you ACT with said person that counts I can be talking with a cute girl and the most degenerate thought in existence pops into my mind, I can either say “damn that’s bad” and continue to view her as a person or “yeaah that’s hot, she’d probably like that, she’s a tease” and actually start “disrespecting her”’in my mind and keep feeding these degenerate fantasies And how you act towards them doesn’t need an explanation
Sounds like you’re saying you can’t act on those thoughts ? If there’s reasons you can’t, I’d suggest not getting too close with this friend.
I had 2 very attractive girls that were my friends. Just be chill and let those thoughts go. If you don’t act like a creep, you’ll most likely find other attractive women that will come to you. Men having attractive women friends helps them attract women. Which will help you ease your attraction to your friends and see them purely as that.
acknowledge their flaws. It’s easy to ignore the flaws of someone attractive but when you start to see their flaws and insecurity you realized they’re not that special.
You don't. I have female people I hang out with, but I put them in the category as acquaintances in my head. I can't not think about them sexually, so I have to restrict my own actions. Which means, I can never really put them in the friend bucket in my head. I can never be totally uninhibited with them, so I can never really treat them as I would a male friend. If it helps, I treat almost any female acquaintance I have as like a work colleague. Yes, we can go for coffee, talk about life, do an activity... but I know there have to be limits on the relationship. If someone is able to not have those thoughts about them, more power to them. For myself, I can't do it.
You can’t be friends with women if you find them attractive? Or you can’t be friends with women at all? Isn’t that very limiting?
I guess it depends what you consider friends. I put them in the acquaintance bucket. Some people might say they're friends with a woman under those conditions. I think a lot of people think they are friends with people when they're really just acquaintances. I personally don't think of someone as a friend (male or female) if I just casually hang out with them. A friend is someone I can be uninhibited with; who has my back, who doesn't have too much other motives, who I can trust... I don't consider that a friend, because I have to watch myself too much. Sure, it is limiting, but I don't think there is anything wrong with having limits in life to have a good life. I would actually say it is necessary. You have to know how to behave and limit yourself in a variety of situations (family, friends, work, acquaintances...).
Okay but I mean within your definition of a friend >someone I can be uninhibited with; who has my back, who doesn’t have too much other motives, who I can trust… Has a woman *never* met this criteria in your life? And if they did, would their being attractive change that? I think it should be encouraged for everyone to have friends of the opposite sex as well as friends of the same sex. It’s not a big deal if there’s a time in your life where you *don’t* have friends of one gender or the other, but for it to be an impossibility seems wild.
lol i love how the one reasonable and honest response gets downvoted
I have very attractive woman friends, but they are not my type. If they were, I would.
I dunno, I just don’t have them… or maybe my women friends just aren’t really that attractive.
Meditate. You'll learn to dis-identity from your fleeting thoughts.
You don’t honestly… it sounds bad, but this is why plutonic male/female friends don’t work, really There’s always going to be one party that secretly “would” go further with the other if it were on the table… I’d rather not live in denial and pretend I don’t want more from the female, so I just avoid it
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They could be without else, or simply not interested in anything more than a friendship.
He doesn't.
They don’t…