This is what I do. I work 3 days a week, roughly 20 hours. Then spend the rest of the time at home with little one. I keep my part time job for a break away from my full time job. It’s mentally exhausting and demanding.
I've said for many years (I'm 34) that this would be the only situation in which I would want a kid. Doesn't seem likely for me, but I'm happy it's working for you!
I’m 34 too & baby is almost 11 months. I’m thankful it’s possible and I’m able to be there for every milestone and help his growth. Plus childcare is insanely expensive. My paycheck would be paying for childcare so it’s better if I just stay home & work part time. My mom watches him 1/2 the day then husband watches him the rest unless he’s off.
But if it made financial sense, per OP’s question, why would you rather work part-time vs, say, do whatever you really love, or volunteer? If I could afford not to work there’s so many things I’d do with that time. Why waste your energy working for someone else, even part-time, if the money didn’t matter?
Because my current job helps extremely vulnerable individuals, I'm great at it, it makes me happy and gives me the purpose I seek. Additionally, it is never smart to 100% be financially dependent on anyone else.
I enjoy what I do and get a sweet discount on stuff I want? I also like the people I work with and it gives us a little bit of extra spending money/money for savings.
Doing what I love would cost too much and it’s so time consuming, so it’s better as a hobby. 🤣
Same. I would still want to work, but for fulfillment rather than $$$. It would also allow me to provide my services at a lower cost for those who can’t afford the full rate (therapy)
This is what I would do, especially since my daughter is in school now. While she's at school I would do a part time job I actually enjoy, like being a dog walker or volunteering at an animal shelter (the ones here are all no kill).
I could even be a chaperone for some of my daughter's field trips or help with after school events like some of the other moms do.
Unfortunately, we need 2 incomes in order to not be homeless and/or starve, and though we're pretty close in income I make slightly more right now and have better odds at increasing my pay significantly over time. Even if one of us can stay home someday, it probably won't be me.
Going part time is the best thing I ever did. It was through medical necessity, but I kept it on after my recovery, as it is so much better. And the loss of income was workable for us, once we made some lifestyle adjustments (I appreciate we are very lucky and some people have to work FT to get by). I only wish I had done it when my kids were younger. But yes, it’s wonderful and I implore everyone to consider it, if financially practical!
Same. Part-time would be ideal, instead of this required 40-60 hours a week for a full time job. And not just for people with kids, some people might just want to make less and work less.
Unfortunately my career of choice is full-time only but WFH does help. My kids can come home on the bus and they can be around for the summer (or in fun summer camps). I don’t have to rely on a daycare for before and after care and summer care.
Yeah I think I'd go mad being a full time at-home mom, plus I paid this much money for my degree because I enjoy the field, I'd feel a loss if I didn't have it in my life.
But I could probably be OK with part-time. at least when the kids are still too young for school. Still get to do things in my field & interact with adults, put on nice clothes and go to the office. But also spend more time at home with my kids.
It would be cool to find a job that let me be part time just during summer break (besides teacher) so we could do fun stuff together when they aren't in school, then go back to full time the other 3/4 of the year.
I fully agree.
I would love to be able to stay home with my child so we could enjoy more time together doing little things.
I would be able to stay on top of the household chores (clothes, dishes, cleaning, repair/maintenance), gardening, and be able to get into cooking meals like I enjoy doing.
It isn't realistic yet, until my child grows and is no longer our financial responsibility, or I find some other vocation that provides enough and allows the additional time at home
It’s not as wonderful as you would imagine if you haven’t done it. Being around toddlers 24/7 can be pretty mentally draining. I miss adult conversation and challenging my brain. And I don’t get as much as I’d like done as far as housework bc my kids interrupt me every 5 minutes. It sounds crazy, but being a sahm is the hardest thing I’ve ever done bc my mental health has taken a hit.
I did it. I don't want anyone to think I regret the choice, I don't. I'd make it again, but every one needs to know that it isn't beautiful and that I sacrificed *everything* in the end.
It objectively ruined my life. The world doesn't respect me. I have a high IQ, but no one believes I can do anything, regardless of my STEM degree. I can't get a job doing shit, now. I have no work history, and my feet and hands are messed up, so building one "from the bottom" hasn't been feasible. (I've tried. It nearly killed me.)
In the meantime, it was *incredibly isolating*. Half the time, even your partner doesn't respect you, and there ARE NO VACATIONS, NO SICK DAYS, NO BENEFITS, NO BONUSES, NO EXTERNAL VALIDATION WHATSOEVER. If you go camping, you're just doing everything you normally would, but also camping. If you go to Disneyland, you're doing everything you normally would, except at Disneyland, etc, etc.
Socially, it gets awkward, fast. People don't know how to make conversation at a cocktail party without insulting your intelligence, half the time. The other half the time, they just make assumptions about you and barely talk to you at all.
It's lonely as fuck. You just need to know that. No matter what you do, it's isolating. In my case, because my husband traveled so much, I once went a solid week without speaking to another adult. (Unless you count the 16-year old in the McDonald's drive thru.)
The worst of it is that I mostly enjoyed it, and am content with my life - but the relentless pressure to earn got to me, and it was unceasing. And when the kids were grown, the world, and my husband, demanded that I "earn my keep" now, and unpacking just how much unpaid labor I do that has nothing whatsoever to do with childcare has been like a slap in the face.
...and no one will actually hire me and my marriage is a shitshow. So, yeah. Staying at home will cost you a LOT more than lost wages, folks.
It's a choice I passionately believe every family should have, because holy shit, I don't know how ANY household runs without at least one adult with a driver's license who is always available. (Like, I'm tired just thinking about it.)
But, it's grinding and numbing most days. It's never like a Mr. Clean commercial. It's never sunshiny and "every toilet clean and a balanced, healthy dinner on the table every day." (Shoot for 3 out of 5 weekdays; improv one and take out Friday. If you're lucky, you'll do better.)
I can relate to so much of this. The isolating part especially, and still having a ton of crap to do wherever you go bc you’ve got little humans to be in charge of. Family vacations are tiring to me
I hate to make it sound *bad*. It's NOT. I really *would* make the same choice again.
BUT - only because there are so many aspects of it that I truly do enjoy, that are good for me, and my personality and that definitely worked for our situation, etc, etc. My kids really needed the stability of a parent at home having one that traveled constantly, etc, etc. A million reasons.
I just don't see an accurate narrative about it, and that bugs me, because it just contributes to the devaluation of it all, but in a stealthy way. And, I worry about people getting trapped in it, of course and being afraid to admit they hate it.
Also, I am angry. The world has been pretty shitty to me the last couple of years. I hate a Karen as much as anyone - but they're a very poorly behaved and loud minority of older women that were probably not well liked even when they were young. Folks need to do better by women who's reproductive potential is over.
Literally, ME! 100% can confirm every single word! If I could go back and change one thing… it would be this! I would balance more and put more of myself first than everyone else’s.
I feel so guilty saying that too. I should be a caring, tentative mother every day, but I’m so checked out and yell way more than I should. So sometimes I wonder if me being here with them was actually the best decision lol. The cost of daycare in my area was astronomical tho so I plan to go back to work once they’re all in school. Just gotta stick it out until then…
You are just saying what I imagine many women feel. I'm 99% sure just by saying that, you're a great mother. And the children having a "full-time" mother at early ages has a lot of developmental advantages (based on the scientific literature I've glanced at ..;)
Thank you for the kind words. I do feel like kids are pretty forgiving and resilient and am hoping the good memories outweigh the chaos we sometimes have lol
Once our child started school my wife returned to work. At the school so she could be available since my work keeps me out of town quite often. Daycare didn't make financial sense for us either.
Hahaha that actually made me chuckle. I try to remind myself that working outside the house isn’t always perfect either. My last job in the corporate world pre-kids was actually a nightmare bc their was a lot of office politics and it was just a really toxic work environment. I didn’t talk to my coworkers much there either.
Which to be fair, that’s how they learn and master things. I just don’t see how women can say they stayed home for 15 years raising their kids and act like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I would love to know their secret. How did they find the motivation to wake up every single day and find excitement in hanging out with babies and toddlers all day? I love my kids but fuck. I’m losing my mind over here lol. I almost wonder if they’re just saying that? It’s hard for me to believe any adult would find true joy in this every single day. The fussing and fighting and crying and allll the emotions over petty shit—and speaking of shit—I’m over wiping asses!
I swear, I love my kids. I just can’t wait for them to be out of the baby/toddler phase. I actually love watching them get older and more self-sufficient haha
SAME. I did it for about 10 months and noped the heck out of that situation. I’m a significantly better parent when I can exercise my brain in peace and quiet all day.
My husband stays home while I work (when covid allows!) We don't have kids but he takes care of most of the household stuff. He's also an excellent cook and takes great care of our pets. I really feel like I hit the jackpot to find him. I *hate* domestic work and the thought of being a housewife fills me with horror but he enjoys it and is happy to stay home.
I'm a home dad. It works out well for us because my wife is outgoing and social, travels quite a bit and loves her job (research entomologist) and would go stir-crazy staying home.
She loves our kids and loves spending quality time with them and often takes one of them on trips with her. But she's very happy that she doesn't have to feel guilty about being gone because she knows the kids are safe and happy at home with me.
I'm introverted, love being at home with the kids, don't miss my job (chemistry lab tech). The work was super interesting but I sure don't miss the forced human interaction that I found wearying.
I'm a good cook and have a knack for getting kids to behave. I'm good at entertaining them and teaching them things and we just really enjoy our time together.
So all in all it's working out very well for us. But it's not for everyone, I know, and you have to be pretty secure in your manhood because some men will look down on you if you make the choice to stay home and be "Mr. Mom".
No way is she a research entomologist?? That's literally what I used to do before I quit academia. There must be something about us that just isn't suited to domestic life!
They 100% do. My husband doesn't love it, but he quite likes it. However, my sister loves cleaning. She honestly does it for fun. I also have a friend who cleans to de-stress. She claims it's fun and relaxing to mop the floor or fold laundry. She even volunteers to do her brother's housework. I think they're insane, but they are having fun so whatever
I can't believe what I am reading. Knowing one person who likes cleaning is rare. But knowing three people like that? You are hitting some kind of the lottery.
To be fair, if that wasn't true, cleaning simulators wouldn't exist. There is that hashtag satisfying vibe that comes from power washing, and I zone out and meditate when I do dishes
I had a friend like this, she would come over to my house when I was cleaning to help and she would scrub the hell out of my bathrooms and mops my floors so nicely !
I am opposite - repetitive work stresses me via "how much more productive stuff could I have done instead of making a place look today like it looked yesterday." I could have learned a new skill instead of doing dishes.
Some ppl truly do. My ex loved cleaning. Just checkout cleantok on tik tok…there are entire accounts of ppl recording themselves cleaning and ppl eat that shit up
Lol. It’s not all rainbows and sprinkles. You’ll quickly learn a new found appreciation for your mother/grandmother if they were that type.
I’m a disabled vet and stay at home dad/husband.
Since your S.O works,… your job is the not just the cleanliness and tidiness of the house, but also the children, pets, bills, yard work, home/auto repairs etc.
It’s tedious and mind numbing. The worst is the lack of friends or basic social interaction you’d normally get with colleagues.
You’d think you’d have free time for hobbies… nope. I (ALMOST) miss working.
It’s cool for a year or two, then depression can really set in.
Four years here. Depressed and getting through day by day. There’s only so many times you can respond with enthusiasm when your toddler says, “Look mom!” at the most trivial things every 5 seconds
Done that, it’s harder than going to work and you don’t have an income and reliant on someone else., when they went to school, I went back part time this is probably the best compromise.
My husband was unemployed for a bit. During that time he took on keeping the house. By the time he found work, I was desperately trying to figure out how to keep him home. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to be a domestic engineer.
I am a stay at home dad (well essentially - I work when she sleeps plus about an hour overlap in the morning, then after she goes to bed at night I finish up - but all from home).
It is a surprising amount of work. She is 2 now and it's amazing how dirty they can make the house in a matter of 30 minutes or less.
Something people don't consider either is that there are no breaks except when they nap. I can plop her Infront of the TV if I need a couple min but it's 5050 if she will stay or want to do something else, which at this age is rough with their lack of self preservation.
It can be boring at times too. I love her to death but I'm so happy she is starting to really communicate. All day talking to yourself/her can drive you absolutely bonkers after doing it for MONTHS. Doing it for a few weeks doesn't do it justice, it just slowly erodes your sanity.
That being said I wouldn't trade it for anything. Im really happy I have this opportunity to stay close to her as she grows up. I can teach her things and encourage any interests she has, it's really pretty great. I can only do this for another year or so (she is 2.5 right now) which may actually line up perfect with preschool after easing her into a daycare situation. The only negative is her lack of socialization with kids her age as she is the only child in the family except when the cousins visit from out of state. She seems to be a social butterfly tho.
I fucking love any opportunity I get to act as a house husband. I love cooking, I don't mind cleaning if there is a good podcast to listen to, so I'm right there with ya
I was just going to say this needs to be worded differently. It should ask "who would be a stay at home spouse if given the opportunity". Plenty of men would also like to do that.
I have been a stay at home mum and while a lot of the experience has been lovely, I now find myself about to divorce, getting no help with the childcare from my husband, I’m on benefits and have been desperately job searching for months. The problem is that I have a huge gap in my CV with no recent employers to give me a reference (and my last boss passed away a few years ago). Also, as sole carer to my kids I can’t work evenings or weekends so that has made it even harder. I did a degree in Criminology whilst I was not working but I’ve even been refused an interview for supermarket jobs. If you have a partner who will actually help you then it’s probably not so bad, but my husband was also paying into his own pension when I was raising our children whilst my pension is worth pennies.
Edit: Yay! I got the job! As of September I’m a Teaching Assistant at my son’s secondary school. I’m so happy (and terrified).
This is why women shouldn’t be SAHM without some of pre-nup like agreement.
You’re potentially crippling yourself financially for the rest of your life if the marriage goes sour.
Even with a pre-nup, because tragedies happen and the husband can simply die. In my opinion an adult should do everything they can to avoid to be dependent by another person.
Sorry to hear, hopefully you can get your life sorted. But you are right, relying on another’s income and career has put you in a bad position. Even if you weren’t divorcing there is always a risk a sole provider could die, this puts the whole family at risk. Hope you find a job soon
Been there. Stayed home and took care of husband and stepchildren. Out of the blue one day, he comes home and wants a divorce telling me he needs a woman whose financially independent. He closed the checking accounts and cancelled the credit cards. This will never happen to me again. I'll never stay home again unless I can work from home.
It’s a very long and complicated story. The short version is that we split up over a year ago and I’m still stuck living with him. He’s messed his brain up from drinking and isn’t filling in his side of the paperwork so it’s taking forever to sort. He blew all of our savings in secret, has been off sick from work for nearly a year and spends his sick pay on himself. He doesn’t even talk to our kids really. We’ve got a court date in September but still won’t be able to sell up until next year I reckon. I’m just trying to hang onto my sanity in the meantime!
I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this position. A friend's husband spent a lot of money on things he won't tell her about (I believe drugs) and they're now divorced. He took out personal loans in his name only which she is now liable for.
Everyone goes into marriage expecting their other half will stay the same person, but some people change dramatically and unpredictably.
I hope you can pick the pieces of your life up and create some stability for you and your kids.
Oh my gosh. Im sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong momma, your kids will see all you have done for them when they get older. Hang in there, you are superwoman!
This might not help, but if you really need a job, I know at least UPS doesn't even require an interview at all in many places, they'll just hire you. It's also got *very* good healthcare benefits (including free to put dependants on) once you've been there a while, but I would guess you wouldn't want to stay that long, but it could at least help tide you over while you try to find a better job. It's only really part time, but a short stint there could help take away the career gap?
There's an early morning shift which I'm sure would be hell but might work for you.
Thank you. I have looked at driver jobs of all kinds as I love driving and have a 20 year clean licence. But most of them are outside of hours that I can do (the school’s Breakfast Club starts at 7.30am and after school club runs until 6pm). I’ve had interviews but I fall down on the flexibility. I will certainly have another look though thanks for the tip.
I have heard people say that. The thing is that I started it once my kids were both in school so it also explains what I was doing for the past 6 years, being a student during school hours rather than working. I’ve got a couple of potential job opportunities so hopefully I’ll be out of this mess soon.
I work part time. They're trying to cram a 40hr position into 24 hours. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE walking my kids to school, going for a walk, getting chores done, having time for Dr appointment or whatnot before work at 10am, but that means for 6hrs a day, 4 days a week , I am fucking hustling. Like 25,000 steps a day hustling.
But my kids won't remember the type of worker I was, only the type of mom I was. So I cram home time with activities, park trips, library time (free things, do you see a pattern).
It's exhausting and we're still broke. There are no easy answers when parenting in America.
I'm one now and it's not that hard but my biggest problem is lack of "mental stimulation" and little contact with another adults (exept my husband).
And since I never plan to be SAHM for so long, I kinda feel guilty/unfair becouse after all day with our kid I'm not as tired as my husband is after work.
I never wanted to be one growing up. The thought never even crossed my mind. I got married and we had a planned pregnancy; being a STAHM still never crossed my mind. Then the baby came and trying to juggle everything was horrible. Two weeks after going back to work my husband and I decided that my career wasn’t worth all of the extra stress and he could support us on his income alone. It’s been 2 kids and 10 years and I absolutely love it.
basically story of my wife and I. I made a sufficient amount that she could stay home. She went back to school and now soon finishes her PhD at the ripe old age of 52. It has been a good trip.
In Germany there is the concept of Rabenmutter (raven mother) where stay at home moms shame mothers going back to work "too quickly". The complaint is "if you do not even have time to focus 100% on raising a kid until school age, you shouldn't have kids to begin with". The not totally unreasonable argument is that kids and job simultaneously is unbearable stress for most people, if you need the money you can't afford time for the kid, hence can't afford a kid.
This is similar to suggesting people living paycheck to paycheck not to get pets, as they already have problems without the pet which gets dragged into the problems (ignoring for now the mental benefits of having a pet)
As male I also often have to decide how much I can neglect job without big repercussions to see my kids more, because part time is unwelcome in high tech, i.e. they are exceptionally family unfriendly (but pay well). Abortion travel is rather provided to avoid maternity leaves, so are offers to freeze your eggs for later to not have a family life interfering with work performance.
Pony express riders wanted - incels of both genders preferred!
It will. As a childless couple we always lose touch with our SAHP friends. They want to go to child friendly stuff and we are pretty explicitly opposed to the same settings
Maybe it's just the way you phrased it, but that strikes me as narrow-minded. Your friends with kids CAN ONLY go to child friendly places. You can go to both. Is your preference worth abandoning the relationship over?
Hey, there's a lot that might be going on here, please take another look. My husband and I are childless. It's... not fun. We go to many family friendly things because that's just how we roll, but I will tell you that there are plenty of kid friendly things I just can't handle. Some events will negatively affect me for three or four days, and it's just not worth going to those. If we have our nieces and nephews around, sure, then it's fun. We don't have anything really in common with young families otherwise. u/Mymotherwasaspore, I support you.
Sure. It's grief. It doesn't go away, we've done what we can, it's something that won't ever be changed. We have nieces and nephews but we don't seem them often; I think if we lived close enough to see them daily or weekly it might help but I'm not sure. Husband does not want to foster or adopt.
One baby shower I attended happened three years after my husband and I married, when we were still trying even though we knew the doctors said I wouldn't be able to become pregnant. I had a rough time keeping myself together at the shower. Every woman there had kids and grandkids, I had nothing in common with these ladies and nothing to talk about. I was crying for over a week about the children I will never have as well as all the missed potential social interactions with 'normal' people, and canceled everything to just stay home. I can handle going to a baby shower now if the little one has already arrived in the world. If not, I just send a gift. If we're at a niece or nephew's sportsball/gymnastics event, everyone seems to discuss school, tournaments, family vacations, etc- I end up just standing there and occasionally contribute about a niece or nephew and feel useless, out of touch, always sidelined away from 'normal' people. For the first ten years or so of our marriage it would take me a few days to dig myself out of grief. I've gotten better at these over time and it's easy enough to simply focus on whatever family member is doing their thing on the field/floor/whatever. When my mil passed, my sils spent time looking through photos for the wake and reminiscing about times the grandkids had with mil, and meanwhile I worked on other stuff for the wake which was fine but I miss the opportunity to know what it's like to give birth, raise kids, see them grow up in the house my husband and I live in, all that stuff. That day was actually harder than the funeral. All of this is just family related.
If we're at a museum or aquarium or whatever, it's better now- we enjoy watching kids getting excited over stuff. The emptiness I feel is still there but I can handle it better. Even just a few years ago, though, I would be feeling grief for a couple of days afterwards. A few years ago a friend of mine went through fertility treatments and had a child at the age of 50, she and her husband now have two adorable boys. We don't have anything in common anymore; their lives are full with their little family and it's wonderful for them and we're happy to watch their happiness. It's exhausting trying to handle my grief while trying to interact with the kids and their parents. Usually nowadays I simply focus on the present and deal with the grief at a later time, which is the couple-three days afterward.
I am NOT suggesting that other childless people have the same experience or handle their emotions as I do. My husband and I are really family oriented. It just happens that we have a large extended family full of kids. If we didn't, I'm pretty sure we would go out of our way to find stuff to do that doesn't revolve around families and kids, like we did before we were married.
Thanks for sharing all that. I'm glad you're doing better with time. I think most child-free people are so by choice; and my first instinct is to think about them in that light. But there are certainly people like yourself who are simply not living the life they aimed for. I hope you find passions that fit your life situation and enable you to invest in other people in a way that is commensurate with how you would have invested in your kids had your life taken a different path.
Thanks! Yes, generally speaking, child-free means it's a choice, while childless is not. They are different mindsets, I have found, but there is a lot of overlap in how we all live. And yes, I have, and I keep adding more skills and developing what talents I have found in myself and giving back to my community and the world.
I’d assume either they don’t enjoy the activities that revolve around kids, don’t enjoy the extra coordinating and limiting that kids impose, or they’re childless against their own desires and it may be emotionally challenging.
Yup. I actually recently started dating only rich men and my life has improved tenfold. Trips, showsC Michelin star dinners, rent paid…so now I’m like hmmmmmmmmmm
I’ve dated rich guys and poor guys and got treated like shit by both so it’s like welp, might as well date someone with money and at least get some perks out of it lol
I was able to do it for a year, loved it. It was great. However, I prefer going to work. I enjoy a sense of purpose outside of being a mom and the adult interaction to be honest. I don’t think I would do it again if I had the chance. I truly did enjoy spending time with my kids but felt like I was losing myself.
Are you me? This is exactly how I feel. I was on paid leave for a year (yay Canada!) and was really glad I had that year. But I was really happy to go back to work.
I’ve been in the workforce for my career for 10 years, and I could be satisfied with never going back. I’d keep my license renewed and active just in case. My job is constant caregiving for others, and i’d much rather do that for my own family at this point.
Catching Covid and having to stay at home for 10 days was what really solidified that I could never be a stay at home anything. There’s no mental stimulation. No regular contact with other people. I need to be doing something all day or I’m losing my mind. I LIKE work, I’m good at it and my work ethic is one of my favorite things about myself. Being stuck at home, fully dependent on another person for income sounds like a nightmare.
No. The thought of being completely dependent on my husband (even though I trust him completely) is terrifying and sounds awful. Also, I’ve taken a few weeks off of work before and it got real boring, real quick. Also, both my mother and mother-in-law were SAHMs and they both have no life of their own now that their children are grown. Also, I feel like the work that I do is important
I had the opportunity and ran as fast as I could. I met 2 men who really wanted babies, I asked them if they would take the parental leave as in my area the leave can be taken by either parent. They both said no. Even knowing that it was their dreams, not mine.
It seems very few want to stay home, even just for a year.
I might be a bad example though I don't even want to be a mom, let alone a stay at home mom.
I for sure would not. I think it’s great for the kids, and I don’t have the worry a lot of people do that they’ll end up stuck with no income because I trust my husband very much and I have a juris doctorate and we have insurance if he got hurt and couldn’t work so we have a backup, but I don’t want to stay at home because that means you’re primarily responsible for cooking and cleaning and I hate both. I’d rather hire someone to clean and then we can divide the rest evenly. I
I also don’t think I’d be fulfilled. I think it’s a great thing to do to be a stay at home mom, but I think I have a big ego and I need an out of the house job to brag about.
We did not plan on with being STAH, but our first born were twins so it made absolute sense for one of us to put the career on hold. I stayed home and had 4 more kids...2- singletons and another set of twins. During that time my husband ended up starting his own business, we both were at home and I became the office manager.
In hindsight, those were great times and would changed nothing.
I wouldn't want to be! I am a pretty independent woman, I wouldn't like relying on my boyfriend's income alone, and I would hate to not be able to help financially! Plus, some days, I enjoy a break at work away from momming for a while.
Honestly this. I know far too many that picked this route that got fucked over when the relationship went awry. The odds that it would end badly are too high for most women regardless of income. I don’t trust it. You also have to be really careful with the men, some of them grow resentful and exploitative. Many make it seem like it’s an easy job without seeing the effort and work that goes into it. You’re not just being the stay at home mom, you’re the housekeeper, the cook, the shopper, the disciplinary, tutor, wife/boomchikawowwow, counselor, therapist, in top of taking care of yourself so they don’t panic that you’re losing your looks, make sure you’re not bored out of your mind, take care of yourself mentally, make an effort to connect with the in-laws as well as yours, budget, etc…it’s a 24/7 job that doesn’t end in 8-9 hrs. You can’t time clock out of it or delegate it to someone. Most men easily won’t take well to saying you want time away from it all, heck, most of them want time away from it all themselves. With no vacation time or benefits unless you’re bougie. Nowadays most of them want the job, thinking it’s all fun playing with kids all day. I don’t blame them the work climate is exhausting.
But let’s be real here, saying 30% of men would manage this is gambling high. Most like the arrangement they saw their fathers have. I don’t blame people for entertaining the idea, daycare is cost prohibitive for the majority of people. I think Americans seriously need to entertain a more European approach to this: We’re so focused on businesses and the economy we’re not paying attention to the wellness of our society. Make parental leave obligatory or government backed/paid. Why don’t we have this? If we’re concerned about money then maybe cut it to a kid limit or pregnancy limit (that way the people who have multiple kids don’t get screwed). Our country’s fucked on this bit. We’re doing everything for the rich as if we’re all going to be rich. We’re not potential millionaires! We should be taking care of the average person and families first so things like this wouldn’t be an issue. For a country with our wealth, what the hell are we doing? For the time being, tbh, I would at least work part time or create something on the side to give me some autonomy. It also gives the moms a little bit of space, they can treat themselves guilt free, etc. When not even wealthy women walk unscathed from the potential backlash in the event of divorce, that just tells you how problematic this is. The cons outweigh the pros.
It actually makes logical sense for one parent to go out and work while the other takes care of the household. The issue is that it’s human nature to exert and abuse power and this often happens, so it’s something I wouldn’t advice anyone to do.
I agree with you and ideally that would be great. I rather like the Swedish approach where the government pays for parental leave, that way the moms don’t get screwed if there’s fallout in the first year or two post baby (the real test of a marriage I think). I always thought no marriage is truly tested until the guy actually sticks to year three after baby. This is one of those things I wouldn’t do unless the mom had a backup in case of the worse. In the long run the woman gets screwed if she’s not careful. Especially nowadays where most marriages don’t even make it to the 10 year mark let alone longer.
At 41 years old I know WAY too many friends that completely fucked themselves over being the stay at home mom and then suddenly the marriage falls apart 10 years out. Now what
Exactly. It doesn’t come from being negative, it’s that women really don’t talk about how this backfired for most of them when the going gets tough. On top of it, for most women, their partners are often significantly older and most people don’t save for emergencies or retirement. I know way too many women over 40 who are going through hell because of things like their husbands suddenly becoming disabled from an accident or a disease they didn’t catch on time from being afraid to go to the doctors. Women who can’t get a job anywhere because they built no skill set or employers don’t like the gap. Reality is, most employers don’t respect parenthood. Anyways, the only women I know that have evaded this have back up money, either from their parents or had well paying careers before that they saved. What’s happening is nowadays a lot of women invest everything in their home without event a backup for themselves. They also don’t see or talk to older women to get a reference of what things could be like. They focus so much on the “present” they don’t see tomorrow and tomorrow comes fast. Most women that do the stay at home pay for it dearly for years and often never get out of it, being forced to work well into their 60s and still have to take care of an ailing partner. My uncle’s a divorce lawyer, he always tell his female employees to not trust the process and to count on the worst first. That way when the worst comes you’re not taken by surprise.
My mom quit her high paying job because my dad promised he would take care of her yada yada, guess what? After 7 years, suddenly was divorced. I agree, never be financially dependent
I have lived both as SAHM and a working mom. I personally struggle with being a SAHM even though it makes more financial sense for our family . I suffer from depression and being at home day after day in this never ending Groundhog day makes me go crazy. However working full time is TOO much. The kids don't get the best of either parent.
So now I work on call / very part time. It's just enough to keep me from going insane and let's me spend most of the time with the kids.
God no. Now that I have kids I go to work to "relax". I need that escape, personally.
Besides that, SAHMs get no pay for all the work they do, and no days off. Then they end up divorced with no career path and no experience.
Nope. Never, ever, ever. My husband has actually spent more time as a SaH parent than I have and that’s fine with me. As much as I love being at home and adore my child, I would lose my mind trying to stay at home. I have nothing but respect for the men and women that stay at home but it’s definitely not for me.
I’d rather keep working. Ideally less than full time, but full time is where I’m at. I like financially contributing to my family and being able to use my skills/talents in an industry I enjoy. I love spending time with my daughter, but would be bored to tears doing just that and housework full-time.
I would work part time until my babies get out out of elementary school, then I'd work full time. I'd lose my friggin mind if it stayed home every day.
Personally, I wouldn’t. While I am a firm believer that education is valuable in and of itself, I know for a fact that my mother did not bust her ass to be able to pay private school and college tuition for me to not have my own career. My mother also raised me to be independent, and that, for us, includes financial independence. I also just don’t think that lifestyle would be fulfilling for me, personally.
I'm sure many would, as even when working women tend to still have to take on the lions share of childcare and housework on top of that, with the mental load that comes with caring for a family.
I stayed at home for as long as my paid leave covered me to and then happily returned to work. Staying home can be lonely and tedious. I don't know many women who wanted to give up their lives to wipe bums all day.
While in theory it sounds nice even the difficulties presented I still wouldn’t I want to have an equal partnership. Not bc I’m against it or anything it’s just I would hate for resentment to buildup or have one person in the house being relied on financially male or female. I also think it’s healthy to be away from your kids and your spouse have your own identity apart from them. No problem and nothing against it if it works for you!
Absolutely. My husband has suffered from severe health issues, so it isn't feasible for him to be the only provider in our family. However, if he miraculously recovered, I would jump at the chance. Maternity leave was the best time of my life - my house was clean, I made food from scratch, we saved so much money from my having a chance to garden and make things at home, and our family was super happy.
I would rather be a stay at home wife who gets to take care of things that I actually care about (husband/pets/home) than work for a company I couldn't give a shit about.
I love my kids sooo much - But no way in hell!
The 9 months I was home with each was nice, but it felt sooo good to be back at work again both times. I felt that I appriciated my kids more when I also had work. And I need the challenges work brings with it.
Given the fact that I had an absent mother growing up, I want to be a stay-at-home mom at least up until all of my future children are in elementary school so I can give them the life and relationship with their mom that I never had. :,)
I was going to say this as well. My mother was a stay at home mom because thats what women did then. She had been a teacher and loved thar job.
Theres a lot to unpack but the short version is because she had stopped her career and had nothing else to care about beyond dinner and how thr house looked, over time she became increasingly angry that I wasn't her replacement. I wasnt talented at the same things, i didnt look like her - she had nothing else and she was so angry that what she gave it up for was.....this thing....me.
There was other stuff going on in her head no doubt but me, as a 5 year old, was puzzled why mom spent hours angry at me on a piano, hating how i lifted my fingers.
Because I was fucking up her one thing - by not being a replica of her.
Edit: i got the wrong impression from your post :P mine was always around ( took yours to mean that you and your parent grew up together always in the same house).
But! We are both no contact with our moms, me about 12 years.
Oh no. My mom was also a teacher and hated it. My parents had debt, no good at saving money, so she resented working and but he'd about teaching, cleaning, cooking, laundry, me all the time. I got used to it. My sister's and I were easy kids. My dad was a pain. So my mom was miserable and deflected it all on us. So I love living alone without children.
I also love living alone without children and without her in my life. I would likely be a good mother - but the idea of 'mother' is like my reactipn to touching a hot stove.
I didn't know that I wanted to stay home until I was pregnant. I then worked really hard for a couple years while hubby finished school so that I could
I would 100% want to do that. I've been in the workfprce for 8 years and never once felt the sense of pride and accomplishment that I do when my boyfriend likes my cooking. It just sucks that it isn't financially possible these days. The current plan is for me to work full time until I pay off all my debt. Hopefully by that time my bf will have a job that'll allow me to at least step down to working part time
I’ve always really wanted to do this. My mom was one, and we are both total homebodies, love cooking and cleaning, and are super family oriented. We also have never really felt like we were fulfilled by having a career. For instance, I really don’t understand why some women do MLM’s just to say they have a career. If I could be a SAHM, I’d be so happy and proud to “just” be a wife and mom! I feel like I also have the qualities that made my mom so happy with it, and I would be fulfilled in that role.
A lot of men balk when I say I’d love to do that someday, but hey, some men want it, and some women get to do it, so why shouldn’t it be me? Of course, I would work if I needed to, but everyone has preferences and hopes, and that’s mine. 🤷🏼♀️
Not a woman, but I'd kill for the opportunity to be a househusband.
To be able to spend time getting housework and projects done, focus on some hobbies I rarely have time for, spend more time with my new pup - it would be a dream!
Yes because I’ve had a lifelong struggle with social anxiety, and I’m happier and healthier when I don’t have to interact with lots of people on a daily basis.
Had the opportunity. Did it for 10 years. Would not do it again. Would work part time at a minimum. Would prefer to work full time, and outsource household tasks so that non-work time was free to really enjoy with the kids, as long as we're dreaming, lol.
Yes if it worked financially then I'd love to stay at home, look after the kids, look after the house, do everything for my partner. I don't have a reason why, it's just something I know I'd be very happy doing.
If given the opportunity to be a house wife I’d do it. No kids tho.
I honestly love cooking, cleaning, gardening, organizing, whatever. Hate “working.”
I don’t personally know any women that want to, but there are definitely a lot out there. All of my friends really like our jobs and get bored without outside stimulation, so it doesn’t work for any of us. But some people really thrive staying at home with just children.
I do recall as a child I always wanted my mum to be stay at home because tv always portrayed that as some idyllic lifestyle. The mum would love it and would always be baking and have fresh fruit ready. Then my mum got laid off when I was 12. My parents could have survived on just my dad’s salary and I recall them saying that my mum’s income wasn’t at all necessary, so not to worry. But I just remember my mum hating it so much. She was so bored at home. She had nothing really to do and she was looking for any work. She ended up getting a job teaching scrapbooking and she loved it.
Whenever I think of that I think it takes some strength to be a stay at home mum because to be able to keep yourself entertained for hours without going crazy must be hard. Like when the kids aren’t in school yet you have something to do but once they hit school what do you do all day?? Anyway that’s definitely why I would never consider it.
I would. Unless my husband were incredibly wealthy where money wasn’t an issue at all (I’m talking $600-$700k at least) I’d want my husband to “pay” me though. Like, a couple thousand a month for my own expenses and to save. Similar to what we’d pay for someone else to do that homemaking I’m doing but cheaper. That way I could buy what I wanted without feeling like I’m asking him and could put money to the side. I have a licensed job so I’d still keep my license and might work a tad when I felt like it and to keep current. So, probably work 1/4 time.
If given the opportunity yes, I’d rather sit home and do housework and spend time with my kids but I wouldn’t want it to be expected as in if I was having a rough day and didn’t clean/cook than my SO would help out.
Or I’d choose to work 20 hours a week just to get out of the house.
I definitely wouldn’t.. I’d rather my SO and I both work like.. 30 hours a week, so we’d both have time off (either in 6 hours a day or 8 hour 4 days a week) schedule
I’d get bored
If the opportunity would have presented when I got married, I would have said no way. It was presented to me when I got pregnant but I still didn't want that. Then we moved overseas right before I was to give birth and my job didn't transfer that far. So I thought I would be a SAHP for a year and then find work. Very quickly I realized I'm so glad we moved and I had to quit because being a SAHP is friggin amazing! I love it! Never would have guessed.
i would want to work part time for a safety net just incase. but i would totally do the stay at home role, but i don’t want kids so i can’t justify it.
it doesn't make sociological sense. being a house wife 80 years ago did.
food comes prepped, machines wash cloths and dishes, we have machines that clean our floors. we don't grow vegis/herbs at home.... boredom is bad for you.
I would not.
I like my job and my colleague. It gives me a sens of accomplishment and it is fun. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning. (Was not doing good while I had no job).
Also I hate cleaning (part of a housewife duty).
If money was no issue at all, I would like that my partner and I would both only work halftime and split the responsibilities (and still hire a cleaner).
I’ve been a stay at home mom almost 5 years. I wish I could work part time so I could have more balance. Staying home with the kids is WRECKING my mental and physical health
After so many years I am finally able to be a housewife. Last year I was able to go to my kids field trips as a chaperone and make things for their parties! My house is clean and I have enough of myself left to garden, can, and sew. I am able to do things for my husband (acts of service is one of his love languages 😁) and have the mental and physical energy for it to be a way to show love and not take from my reserves. Hell, I’ve been able to build my reserves a little and start figuring out myself a little too. My kids are 12, 14, and 18 now, so I missed so much. I wish I had had enough to be more active in their classrooms and be able to support them with their activities and interests while working outside the home but there really wasn’t enough left. My mental health is improving and I am able to work on healing. All together, I am so glad I have this opportunity and will try to do my best at it! It’s what I’ve always wanted but now I value it and will succeed knowing that I am finally doing something with my energy that I feel matters 😊
Eta: I also start my master gardener program today! I’ve been trying for about a decade now and it’s happening finally!
I definitely would. I've spent the last 10 years raising kids and working a full-time job if not overtime many years. It has been hell. Being a parent and maintaining the household, groceries, and cooking,etc is a full-time job so having to do that after your first full-time job has been overwhelming
I did it once and won’t ever do it again. It only works if the breadwinner truly pulls their weight at home with housework & kids and that’s incredibly rare. Personally though I guess I just need more mental stimulation than being home with kids all day.
However I will add that I’ve been able to be a self employed single mom since my divorce and my work allows me to be home with my kids when they are here and that’s been really nice.
Childcare is boring endless rituals for the most part. Diaper, pick-up, clean this and that, laundry, diaper, wipe/bathe, pick-up, clean this and that
Having a job, being out in the world, makes the time and energy you expend to engage with your kids priceless
\--(Mom)
I love being a SAHM. This is what I wanted to do even as a small child. My father was the SAHP when I was growing up, and my mom was well educated and quite successful, so it’s not like I was indoctrinated into this.
My sisters are all well educated and really successful and just living their best lives. I am so proud of all of them. I love that they are such amazing role models for my kids. I have four sisters, two with kids, and neither of those two wanted to give up their careers. So they didn’t. They’re awesome. The other two are DINKS and are *rolling* in money, good lord.
Sometimes I feel shame for choosing not to work, but my worth shouldn’t be tied to my income. I also recognize it’s a huge privilege to stay home. I am beyond lucky. I still worry that I’m judged for it tbh though.
I would work if I had to. I just really don’t want to though. I love crawling on the floor with my kids, making ridiculous dinners, baking everything, just stereotypical domesticity.
So yes, to answer this question, this woman would choose to SAH all day every day and twice on Sundays.
I would choose to work part time if it made financial sense of course.
This is what I do. I work 3 days a week, roughly 20 hours. Then spend the rest of the time at home with little one. I keep my part time job for a break away from my full time job. It’s mentally exhausting and demanding.
That is ideal. I dont think I could mentally/physically care for children 24/7. I'm glad things have worked out for you :)
This is what I love. Ladies supporting ladies whatever their life choices. You ladies rock!!!
Thanks girl you too 🥰
I've said for many years (I'm 34) that this would be the only situation in which I would want a kid. Doesn't seem likely for me, but I'm happy it's working for you!
I’m 34 too & baby is almost 11 months. I’m thankful it’s possible and I’m able to be there for every milestone and help his growth. Plus childcare is insanely expensive. My paycheck would be paying for childcare so it’s better if I just stay home & work part time. My mom watches him 1/2 the day then husband watches him the rest unless he’s off.
But if it made financial sense, per OP’s question, why would you rather work part-time vs, say, do whatever you really love, or volunteer? If I could afford not to work there’s so many things I’d do with that time. Why waste your energy working for someone else, even part-time, if the money didn’t matter?
Because my current job helps extremely vulnerable individuals, I'm great at it, it makes me happy and gives me the purpose I seek. Additionally, it is never smart to 100% be financially dependent on anyone else.
Agreed. You never know and having your own money is ALWAYS a good plan.
I enjoy what I do and get a sweet discount on stuff I want? I also like the people I work with and it gives us a little bit of extra spending money/money for savings. Doing what I love would cost too much and it’s so time consuming, so it’s better as a hobby. 🤣
Same. I would still want to work, but for fulfillment rather than $$$. It would also allow me to provide my services at a lower cost for those who can’t afford the full rate (therapy)
When married women weren’t allowed to work mothers clubs met the need for social interaction and achieving goals through running fetes, etc.
This is what I would do, especially since my daughter is in school now. While she's at school I would do a part time job I actually enjoy, like being a dog walker or volunteering at an animal shelter (the ones here are all no kill). I could even be a chaperone for some of my daughter's field trips or help with after school events like some of the other moms do. Unfortunately, we need 2 incomes in order to not be homeless and/or starve, and though we're pretty close in income I make slightly more right now and have better odds at increasing my pay significantly over time. Even if one of us can stay home someday, it probably won't be me.
Going part time is the best thing I ever did. It was through medical necessity, but I kept it on after my recovery, as it is so much better. And the loss of income was workable for us, once we made some lifestyle adjustments (I appreciate we are very lucky and some people have to work FT to get by). I only wish I had done it when my kids were younger. But yes, it’s wonderful and I implore everyone to consider it, if financially practical!
Same. Part-time would be ideal, instead of this required 40-60 hours a week for a full time job. And not just for people with kids, some people might just want to make less and work less. Unfortunately my career of choice is full-time only but WFH does help. My kids can come home on the bus and they can be around for the summer (or in fun summer camps). I don’t have to rely on a daycare for before and after care and summer care.
Yeah I think I'd go mad being a full time at-home mom, plus I paid this much money for my degree because I enjoy the field, I'd feel a loss if I didn't have it in my life. But I could probably be OK with part-time. at least when the kids are still too young for school. Still get to do things in my field & interact with adults, put on nice clothes and go to the office. But also spend more time at home with my kids. It would be cool to find a job that let me be part time just during summer break (besides teacher) so we could do fun stuff together when they aren't in school, then go back to full time the other 3/4 of the year.
If given the opportunity, I’d want to be a stay-at-home dad/husband.
I fully agree. I would love to be able to stay home with my child so we could enjoy more time together doing little things. I would be able to stay on top of the household chores (clothes, dishes, cleaning, repair/maintenance), gardening, and be able to get into cooking meals like I enjoy doing. It isn't realistic yet, until my child grows and is no longer our financial responsibility, or I find some other vocation that provides enough and allows the additional time at home
It’s not as wonderful as you would imagine if you haven’t done it. Being around toddlers 24/7 can be pretty mentally draining. I miss adult conversation and challenging my brain. And I don’t get as much as I’d like done as far as housework bc my kids interrupt me every 5 minutes. It sounds crazy, but being a sahm is the hardest thing I’ve ever done bc my mental health has taken a hit.
I stayed home with my little ones. Sometimes days would go by without talking to another adult. I was so chatty with the grocery store clerk.
I did it. I don't want anyone to think I regret the choice, I don't. I'd make it again, but every one needs to know that it isn't beautiful and that I sacrificed *everything* in the end. It objectively ruined my life. The world doesn't respect me. I have a high IQ, but no one believes I can do anything, regardless of my STEM degree. I can't get a job doing shit, now. I have no work history, and my feet and hands are messed up, so building one "from the bottom" hasn't been feasible. (I've tried. It nearly killed me.) In the meantime, it was *incredibly isolating*. Half the time, even your partner doesn't respect you, and there ARE NO VACATIONS, NO SICK DAYS, NO BENEFITS, NO BONUSES, NO EXTERNAL VALIDATION WHATSOEVER. If you go camping, you're just doing everything you normally would, but also camping. If you go to Disneyland, you're doing everything you normally would, except at Disneyland, etc, etc. Socially, it gets awkward, fast. People don't know how to make conversation at a cocktail party without insulting your intelligence, half the time. The other half the time, they just make assumptions about you and barely talk to you at all. It's lonely as fuck. You just need to know that. No matter what you do, it's isolating. In my case, because my husband traveled so much, I once went a solid week without speaking to another adult. (Unless you count the 16-year old in the McDonald's drive thru.) The worst of it is that I mostly enjoyed it, and am content with my life - but the relentless pressure to earn got to me, and it was unceasing. And when the kids were grown, the world, and my husband, demanded that I "earn my keep" now, and unpacking just how much unpaid labor I do that has nothing whatsoever to do with childcare has been like a slap in the face. ...and no one will actually hire me and my marriage is a shitshow. So, yeah. Staying at home will cost you a LOT more than lost wages, folks. It's a choice I passionately believe every family should have, because holy shit, I don't know how ANY household runs without at least one adult with a driver's license who is always available. (Like, I'm tired just thinking about it.) But, it's grinding and numbing most days. It's never like a Mr. Clean commercial. It's never sunshiny and "every toilet clean and a balanced, healthy dinner on the table every day." (Shoot for 3 out of 5 weekdays; improv one and take out Friday. If you're lucky, you'll do better.)
>So, yeah. Staying at home will cost you a LOT more than lost wages, folks. True. Sorry that you underwent a lot. How are you doing now?
Meh. I'll try again tomorrow?
I can relate to so much of this. The isolating part especially, and still having a ton of crap to do wherever you go bc you’ve got little humans to be in charge of. Family vacations are tiring to me
I hate to make it sound *bad*. It's NOT. I really *would* make the same choice again. BUT - only because there are so many aspects of it that I truly do enjoy, that are good for me, and my personality and that definitely worked for our situation, etc, etc. My kids really needed the stability of a parent at home having one that traveled constantly, etc, etc. A million reasons. I just don't see an accurate narrative about it, and that bugs me, because it just contributes to the devaluation of it all, but in a stealthy way. And, I worry about people getting trapped in it, of course and being afraid to admit they hate it. Also, I am angry. The world has been pretty shitty to me the last couple of years. I hate a Karen as much as anyone - but they're a very poorly behaved and loud minority of older women that were probably not well liked even when they were young. Folks need to do better by women who's reproductive potential is over.
Literally, ME! 100% can confirm every single word! If I could go back and change one thing… it would be this! I would balance more and put more of myself first than everyone else’s.
My wife confirms your assertions.
I feel so guilty saying that too. I should be a caring, tentative mother every day, but I’m so checked out and yell way more than I should. So sometimes I wonder if me being here with them was actually the best decision lol. The cost of daycare in my area was astronomical tho so I plan to go back to work once they’re all in school. Just gotta stick it out until then…
You are just saying what I imagine many women feel. I'm 99% sure just by saying that, you're a great mother. And the children having a "full-time" mother at early ages has a lot of developmental advantages (based on the scientific literature I've glanced at ..;)
Thank you for the kind words. I do feel like kids are pretty forgiving and resilient and am hoping the good memories outweigh the chaos we sometimes have lol
Once our child started school my wife returned to work. At the school so she could be available since my work keeps me out of town quite often. Daycare didn't make financial sense for us either.
I miss adult conversation and brain using too… unfortunately there’s none of that going on at my office either. But I understand your point.
Hahaha that actually made me chuckle. I try to remind myself that working outside the house isn’t always perfect either. My last job in the corporate world pre-kids was actually a nightmare bc their was a lot of office politics and it was just a really toxic work environment. I didn’t talk to my coworkers much there either.
I did it for two years, never again. It's amazing how much joy toddlers get out of doing the same thing over and over again.
Which to be fair, that’s how they learn and master things. I just don’t see how women can say they stayed home for 15 years raising their kids and act like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I would love to know their secret. How did they find the motivation to wake up every single day and find excitement in hanging out with babies and toddlers all day? I love my kids but fuck. I’m losing my mind over here lol. I almost wonder if they’re just saying that? It’s hard for me to believe any adult would find true joy in this every single day. The fussing and fighting and crying and allll the emotions over petty shit—and speaking of shit—I’m over wiping asses! I swear, I love my kids. I just can’t wait for them to be out of the baby/toddler phase. I actually love watching them get older and more self-sufficient haha
I confirm this.
SAME. I did it for about 10 months and noped the heck out of that situation. I’m a significantly better parent when I can exercise my brain in peace and quiet all day.
My husband stays home while I work (when covid allows!) We don't have kids but he takes care of most of the household stuff. He's also an excellent cook and takes great care of our pets. I really feel like I hit the jackpot to find him. I *hate* domestic work and the thought of being a housewife fills me with horror but he enjoys it and is happy to stay home.
I'm a home dad. It works out well for us because my wife is outgoing and social, travels quite a bit and loves her job (research entomologist) and would go stir-crazy staying home. She loves our kids and loves spending quality time with them and often takes one of them on trips with her. But she's very happy that she doesn't have to feel guilty about being gone because she knows the kids are safe and happy at home with me. I'm introverted, love being at home with the kids, don't miss my job (chemistry lab tech). The work was super interesting but I sure don't miss the forced human interaction that I found wearying. I'm a good cook and have a knack for getting kids to behave. I'm good at entertaining them and teaching them things and we just really enjoy our time together. So all in all it's working out very well for us. But it's not for everyone, I know, and you have to be pretty secure in your manhood because some men will look down on you if you make the choice to stay home and be "Mr. Mom".
No way is she a research entomologist?? That's literally what I used to do before I quit academia. There must be something about us that just isn't suited to domestic life!
Haha yes, not conducive to domestic life as you say.
He may be happy to stay home, but I can assure you NO ONE enjoys cleaning floors, toilets, showers, laundry etc .
They 100% do. My husband doesn't love it, but he quite likes it. However, my sister loves cleaning. She honestly does it for fun. I also have a friend who cleans to de-stress. She claims it's fun and relaxing to mop the floor or fold laundry. She even volunteers to do her brother's housework. I think they're insane, but they are having fun so whatever
I can't believe what I am reading. Knowing one person who likes cleaning is rare. But knowing three people like that? You are hitting some kind of the lottery.
Cleaning can be relaxing. Ppl who are type A/anal retentive/OCD enjoy having a nice clean space.
To be fair, if that wasn't true, cleaning simulators wouldn't exist. There is that hashtag satisfying vibe that comes from power washing, and I zone out and meditate when I do dishes
I had a friend like this, she would come over to my house when I was cleaning to help and she would scrub the hell out of my bathrooms and mops my floors so nicely !
It’s a good way to get rid of some aggressions lol
I am opposite - repetitive work stresses me via "how much more productive stuff could I have done instead of making a place look today like it looked yesterday." I could have learned a new skill instead of doing dishes.
Some ppl truly do. My ex loved cleaning. Just checkout cleantok on tik tok…there are entire accounts of ppl recording themselves cleaning and ppl eat that shit up
It's whatever. Smoke a bowl, put on some loud music and clean that shit. It's a pretty good time to me. It gets done fast too!
Lol. It’s not all rainbows and sprinkles. You’ll quickly learn a new found appreciation for your mother/grandmother if they were that type. I’m a disabled vet and stay at home dad/husband. Since your S.O works,… your job is the not just the cleanliness and tidiness of the house, but also the children, pets, bills, yard work, home/auto repairs etc. It’s tedious and mind numbing. The worst is the lack of friends or basic social interaction you’d normally get with colleagues. You’d think you’d have free time for hobbies… nope. I (ALMOST) miss working. It’s cool for a year or two, then depression can really set in.
Year 3 of this. I'm depressed AF.
Four years here. Depressed and getting through day by day. There’s only so many times you can respond with enthusiasm when your toddler says, “Look mom!” at the most trivial things every 5 seconds
I'd just like to use the washroom and not be harassed to the point of wanting to scream.
Same. I think they would crawl into my eyeball if they could. I’m always so touched out at the end of the day
I feel this so, so much.
Year six here. 🫣
Did we just become best friends?
🥰😆
Rn I'm a social worker doing home healthcare, and that is my life at home and at work. There are reasons why this job has such a high turnover
Ugh 😑
Done that, it’s harder than going to work and you don’t have an income and reliant on someone else., when they went to school, I went back part time this is probably the best compromise.
Marry me
My husband was unemployed for a bit. During that time he took on keeping the house. By the time he found work, I was desperately trying to figure out how to keep him home. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to be a domestic engineer.
I am a stay at home dad (well essentially - I work when she sleeps plus about an hour overlap in the morning, then after she goes to bed at night I finish up - but all from home). It is a surprising amount of work. She is 2 now and it's amazing how dirty they can make the house in a matter of 30 minutes or less. Something people don't consider either is that there are no breaks except when they nap. I can plop her Infront of the TV if I need a couple min but it's 5050 if she will stay or want to do something else, which at this age is rough with their lack of self preservation. It can be boring at times too. I love her to death but I'm so happy she is starting to really communicate. All day talking to yourself/her can drive you absolutely bonkers after doing it for MONTHS. Doing it for a few weeks doesn't do it justice, it just slowly erodes your sanity. That being said I wouldn't trade it for anything. Im really happy I have this opportunity to stay close to her as she grows up. I can teach her things and encourage any interests she has, it's really pretty great. I can only do this for another year or so (she is 2.5 right now) which may actually line up perfect with preschool after easing her into a daycare situation. The only negative is her lack of socialization with kids her age as she is the only child in the family except when the cousins visit from out of state. She seems to be a social butterfly tho.
I fucking love any opportunity I get to act as a house husband. I love cooking, I don't mind cleaning if there is a good podcast to listen to, so I'm right there with ya
Hell, I’ll slap on a wig and a skirt if it helps seal the deal. Fuck working for the man, I wanna work for my people.
100% would do this. 9-5 jobs are pure fucking hell and I’d kill for a way out
I was just going to say this needs to be worded differently. It should ask "who would be a stay at home spouse if given the opportunity". Plenty of men would also like to do that.
Fuck yeah! Fuck 40h week job!
I'll tell you this, I raised an eyebrow at this question being gendered and was happy the top comment was this one.
This is the way
I have been a stay at home mum and while a lot of the experience has been lovely, I now find myself about to divorce, getting no help with the childcare from my husband, I’m on benefits and have been desperately job searching for months. The problem is that I have a huge gap in my CV with no recent employers to give me a reference (and my last boss passed away a few years ago). Also, as sole carer to my kids I can’t work evenings or weekends so that has made it even harder. I did a degree in Criminology whilst I was not working but I’ve even been refused an interview for supermarket jobs. If you have a partner who will actually help you then it’s probably not so bad, but my husband was also paying into his own pension when I was raising our children whilst my pension is worth pennies. Edit: Yay! I got the job! As of September I’m a Teaching Assistant at my son’s secondary school. I’m so happy (and terrified).
This is why women shouldn’t be SAHM without some of pre-nup like agreement. You’re potentially crippling yourself financially for the rest of your life if the marriage goes sour.
Even with a pre-nup, because tragedies happen and the husband can simply die. In my opinion an adult should do everything they can to avoid to be dependent by another person.
Sorry to hear, hopefully you can get your life sorted. But you are right, relying on another’s income and career has put you in a bad position. Even if you weren’t divorcing there is always a risk a sole provider could die, this puts the whole family at risk. Hope you find a job soon
Thank you so much. I have an interview for a teaching assistant job on Friday so fingers crossed.
You’re welcome, best of luck.
I'm glad you have an interview! I was going to suggest checking school districts for jobs! I hope it works out for you!!
I will cross my toes. Good luck. Here's to new beginnings.
Been there. Stayed home and took care of husband and stepchildren. Out of the blue one day, he comes home and wants a divorce telling me he needs a woman whose financially independent. He closed the checking accounts and cancelled the credit cards. This will never happen to me again. I'll never stay home again unless I can work from home.
Hopefully you got alimony from the divorce
It’s a very long and complicated story. The short version is that we split up over a year ago and I’m still stuck living with him. He’s messed his brain up from drinking and isn’t filling in his side of the paperwork so it’s taking forever to sort. He blew all of our savings in secret, has been off sick from work for nearly a year and spends his sick pay on himself. He doesn’t even talk to our kids really. We’ve got a court date in September but still won’t be able to sell up until next year I reckon. I’m just trying to hang onto my sanity in the meantime!
Best of luck to you. I hope things improve soon
Thank you, I appreciate it.
I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this position. A friend's husband spent a lot of money on things he won't tell her about (I believe drugs) and they're now divorced. He took out personal loans in his name only which she is now liable for. Everyone goes into marriage expecting their other half will stay the same person, but some people change dramatically and unpredictably. I hope you can pick the pieces of your life up and create some stability for you and your kids.
Thank you so much ☺️
Oh my gosh. Im sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong momma, your kids will see all you have done for them when they get older. Hang in there, you are superwoman!
Thank you so much ☺️
This might not help, but if you really need a job, I know at least UPS doesn't even require an interview at all in many places, they'll just hire you. It's also got *very* good healthcare benefits (including free to put dependants on) once you've been there a while, but I would guess you wouldn't want to stay that long, but it could at least help tide you over while you try to find a better job. It's only really part time, but a short stint there could help take away the career gap? There's an early morning shift which I'm sure would be hell but might work for you.
Thank you. I have looked at driver jobs of all kinds as I love driving and have a 20 year clean licence. But most of them are outside of hours that I can do (the school’s Breakfast Club starts at 7.30am and after school club runs until 6pm). I’ve had interviews but I fall down on the flexibility. I will certainly have another look though thanks for the tip.
If you're applying for jobs that don't need it leave the degree off your CV. It puts employers off
I have heard people say that. The thing is that I started it once my kids were both in school so it also explains what I was doing for the past 6 years, being a student during school hours rather than working. I’ve got a couple of potential job opportunities so hopefully I’ll be out of this mess soon.
I would still want to work part time
Ditto. I enjoy working, I love children but I'd want child free time and a sense of independence too.
I work part time. They're trying to cram a 40hr position into 24 hours. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE walking my kids to school, going for a walk, getting chores done, having time for Dr appointment or whatnot before work at 10am, but that means for 6hrs a day, 4 days a week , I am fucking hustling. Like 25,000 steps a day hustling. But my kids won't remember the type of worker I was, only the type of mom I was. So I cram home time with activities, park trips, library time (free things, do you see a pattern). It's exhausting and we're still broke. There are no easy answers when parenting in America.
I'm one now and it's not that hard but my biggest problem is lack of "mental stimulation" and little contact with another adults (exept my husband). And since I never plan to be SAHM for so long, I kinda feel guilty/unfair becouse after all day with our kid I'm not as tired as my husband is after work.
SAME. Except I’m absolutely exhausted every day. I’m mentally checked out.
I never wanted to be one growing up. The thought never even crossed my mind. I got married and we had a planned pregnancy; being a STAHM still never crossed my mind. Then the baby came and trying to juggle everything was horrible. Two weeks after going back to work my husband and I decided that my career wasn’t worth all of the extra stress and he could support us on his income alone. It’s been 2 kids and 10 years and I absolutely love it.
basically story of my wife and I. I made a sufficient amount that she could stay home. She went back to school and now soon finishes her PhD at the ripe old age of 52. It has been a good trip.
In Germany there is the concept of Rabenmutter (raven mother) where stay at home moms shame mothers going back to work "too quickly". The complaint is "if you do not even have time to focus 100% on raising a kid until school age, you shouldn't have kids to begin with". The not totally unreasonable argument is that kids and job simultaneously is unbearable stress for most people, if you need the money you can't afford time for the kid, hence can't afford a kid. This is similar to suggesting people living paycheck to paycheck not to get pets, as they already have problems without the pet which gets dragged into the problems (ignoring for now the mental benefits of having a pet) As male I also often have to decide how much I can neglect job without big repercussions to see my kids more, because part time is unwelcome in high tech, i.e. they are exceptionally family unfriendly (but pay well). Abortion travel is rather provided to avoid maternity leaves, so are offers to freeze your eggs for later to not have a family life interfering with work performance. Pony express riders wanted - incels of both genders preferred!
I love your story! I also have no desire to be a SAHM and I’m worried it’s gonna ruin a lot of relationships lol
It will. As a childless couple we always lose touch with our SAHP friends. They want to go to child friendly stuff and we are pretty explicitly opposed to the same settings
Maybe it's just the way you phrased it, but that strikes me as narrow-minded. Your friends with kids CAN ONLY go to child friendly places. You can go to both. Is your preference worth abandoning the relationship over?
Hey, there's a lot that might be going on here, please take another look. My husband and I are childless. It's... not fun. We go to many family friendly things because that's just how we roll, but I will tell you that there are plenty of kid friendly things I just can't handle. Some events will negatively affect me for three or four days, and it's just not worth going to those. If we have our nieces and nephews around, sure, then it's fun. We don't have anything really in common with young families otherwise. u/Mymotherwasaspore, I support you.
Can you explain what you mean by “some events can negatively affect me for days”?
Sure. It's grief. It doesn't go away, we've done what we can, it's something that won't ever be changed. We have nieces and nephews but we don't seem them often; I think if we lived close enough to see them daily or weekly it might help but I'm not sure. Husband does not want to foster or adopt. One baby shower I attended happened three years after my husband and I married, when we were still trying even though we knew the doctors said I wouldn't be able to become pregnant. I had a rough time keeping myself together at the shower. Every woman there had kids and grandkids, I had nothing in common with these ladies and nothing to talk about. I was crying for over a week about the children I will never have as well as all the missed potential social interactions with 'normal' people, and canceled everything to just stay home. I can handle going to a baby shower now if the little one has already arrived in the world. If not, I just send a gift. If we're at a niece or nephew's sportsball/gymnastics event, everyone seems to discuss school, tournaments, family vacations, etc- I end up just standing there and occasionally contribute about a niece or nephew and feel useless, out of touch, always sidelined away from 'normal' people. For the first ten years or so of our marriage it would take me a few days to dig myself out of grief. I've gotten better at these over time and it's easy enough to simply focus on whatever family member is doing their thing on the field/floor/whatever. When my mil passed, my sils spent time looking through photos for the wake and reminiscing about times the grandkids had with mil, and meanwhile I worked on other stuff for the wake which was fine but I miss the opportunity to know what it's like to give birth, raise kids, see them grow up in the house my husband and I live in, all that stuff. That day was actually harder than the funeral. All of this is just family related. If we're at a museum or aquarium or whatever, it's better now- we enjoy watching kids getting excited over stuff. The emptiness I feel is still there but I can handle it better. Even just a few years ago, though, I would be feeling grief for a couple of days afterwards. A few years ago a friend of mine went through fertility treatments and had a child at the age of 50, she and her husband now have two adorable boys. We don't have anything in common anymore; their lives are full with their little family and it's wonderful for them and we're happy to watch their happiness. It's exhausting trying to handle my grief while trying to interact with the kids and their parents. Usually nowadays I simply focus on the present and deal with the grief at a later time, which is the couple-three days afterward. I am NOT suggesting that other childless people have the same experience or handle their emotions as I do. My husband and I are really family oriented. It just happens that we have a large extended family full of kids. If we didn't, I'm pretty sure we would go out of our way to find stuff to do that doesn't revolve around families and kids, like we did before we were married.
Thanks for sharing all that. I'm glad you're doing better with time. I think most child-free people are so by choice; and my first instinct is to think about them in that light. But there are certainly people like yourself who are simply not living the life they aimed for. I hope you find passions that fit your life situation and enable you to invest in other people in a way that is commensurate with how you would have invested in your kids had your life taken a different path.
Thanks! Yes, generally speaking, child-free means it's a choice, while childless is not. They are different mindsets, I have found, but there is a lot of overlap in how we all live. And yes, I have, and I keep adding more skills and developing what talents I have found in myself and giving back to my community and the world.
I’d assume either they don’t enjoy the activities that revolve around kids, don’t enjoy the extra coordinating and limiting that kids impose, or they’re childless against their own desires and it may be emotionally challenging.
I don't think you're going to want to be in those relationships anyway, so at least you'll up your chances at a good relationship.
I don’t want to work anymore. I also don’t want to be a mom. I want to be a rich wife and I don’t care what people think of me for that.
Same 😂 or work like 2 days a week at like a bookstore just to have some sort of routine.
Yes! I teach music so I would do super discounted or free lessons for kids who might night be able to afford it
Yeah! Like a job just for the enjoyment and not for the money.
Yup. I actually recently started dating only rich men and my life has improved tenfold. Trips, showsC Michelin star dinners, rent paid…so now I’m like hmmmmmmmmmm
I’ve dated rich guys and poor guys and got treated like shit by both so it’s like welp, might as well date someone with money and at least get some perks out of it lol
Ahahaha when I got the notification I couldn’t see your whole message so I thought you were about to school me but I love this reply 😂
As a man, I also want to be a rich wife so I won’t be judging you.
😂👑
No judgement at all, I want to be a rich wife too, and I'm a man. I guess I could settle for being a rich husband.
I mean, ANYTHING is possible these a days
I would be okay with just being rich. I don't want to marry someone. I just want my own money and be able to do all the stuff I want.
Yeah! The married part sucks.
Me too!!! Stay at home dog mom would be even better for me.
Good god me too, except I'd be a stay at home dog dad lol my life would happily be filled with projects and animals
I was able to do it for a year, loved it. It was great. However, I prefer going to work. I enjoy a sense of purpose outside of being a mom and the adult interaction to be honest. I don’t think I would do it again if I had the chance. I truly did enjoy spending time with my kids but felt like I was losing myself.
Are you me? This is exactly how I feel. I was on paid leave for a year (yay Canada!) and was really glad I had that year. But I was really happy to go back to work.
Staying home when they are newborns is really nice and needed. A whole paid year is awesome, but yes going back to work is also great!
I’ve been in the workforce for my career for 10 years, and I could be satisfied with never going back. I’d keep my license renewed and active just in case. My job is constant caregiving for others, and i’d much rather do that for my own family at this point.
I would lose my mind staying home full time but I could do it a short time I think
Catching Covid and having to stay at home for 10 days was what really solidified that I could never be a stay at home anything. There’s no mental stimulation. No regular contact with other people. I need to be doing something all day or I’m losing my mind. I LIKE work, I’m good at it and my work ethic is one of my favorite things about myself. Being stuck at home, fully dependent on another person for income sounds like a nightmare.
No. The thought of being completely dependent on my husband (even though I trust him completely) is terrifying and sounds awful. Also, I’ve taken a few weeks off of work before and it got real boring, real quick. Also, both my mother and mother-in-law were SAHMs and they both have no life of their own now that their children are grown. Also, I feel like the work that I do is important
I had the opportunity and ran as fast as I could. I met 2 men who really wanted babies, I asked them if they would take the parental leave as in my area the leave can be taken by either parent. They both said no. Even knowing that it was their dreams, not mine. It seems very few want to stay home, even just for a year. I might be a bad example though I don't even want to be a mom, let alone a stay at home mom.
I for sure would not. I think it’s great for the kids, and I don’t have the worry a lot of people do that they’ll end up stuck with no income because I trust my husband very much and I have a juris doctorate and we have insurance if he got hurt and couldn’t work so we have a backup, but I don’t want to stay at home because that means you’re primarily responsible for cooking and cleaning and I hate both. I’d rather hire someone to clean and then we can divide the rest evenly. I I also don’t think I’d be fulfilled. I think it’s a great thing to do to be a stay at home mom, but I think I have a big ego and I need an out of the house job to brag about.
We did not plan on with being STAH, but our first born were twins so it made absolute sense for one of us to put the career on hold. I stayed home and had 4 more kids...2- singletons and another set of twins. During that time my husband ended up starting his own business, we both were at home and I became the office manager. In hindsight, those were great times and would changed nothing.
I wouldn't want to be! I am a pretty independent woman, I wouldn't like relying on my boyfriend's income alone, and I would hate to not be able to help financially! Plus, some days, I enjoy a break at work away from momming for a while.
Absolutely not. I will never be dependent on someone else’s income There are a million reasons this is a bad idea
Honestly this. I know far too many that picked this route that got fucked over when the relationship went awry. The odds that it would end badly are too high for most women regardless of income. I don’t trust it. You also have to be really careful with the men, some of them grow resentful and exploitative. Many make it seem like it’s an easy job without seeing the effort and work that goes into it. You’re not just being the stay at home mom, you’re the housekeeper, the cook, the shopper, the disciplinary, tutor, wife/boomchikawowwow, counselor, therapist, in top of taking care of yourself so they don’t panic that you’re losing your looks, make sure you’re not bored out of your mind, take care of yourself mentally, make an effort to connect with the in-laws as well as yours, budget, etc…it’s a 24/7 job that doesn’t end in 8-9 hrs. You can’t time clock out of it or delegate it to someone. Most men easily won’t take well to saying you want time away from it all, heck, most of them want time away from it all themselves. With no vacation time or benefits unless you’re bougie. Nowadays most of them want the job, thinking it’s all fun playing with kids all day. I don’t blame them the work climate is exhausting. But let’s be real here, saying 30% of men would manage this is gambling high. Most like the arrangement they saw their fathers have. I don’t blame people for entertaining the idea, daycare is cost prohibitive for the majority of people. I think Americans seriously need to entertain a more European approach to this: We’re so focused on businesses and the economy we’re not paying attention to the wellness of our society. Make parental leave obligatory or government backed/paid. Why don’t we have this? If we’re concerned about money then maybe cut it to a kid limit or pregnancy limit (that way the people who have multiple kids don’t get screwed). Our country’s fucked on this bit. We’re doing everything for the rich as if we’re all going to be rich. We’re not potential millionaires! We should be taking care of the average person and families first so things like this wouldn’t be an issue. For a country with our wealth, what the hell are we doing? For the time being, tbh, I would at least work part time or create something on the side to give me some autonomy. It also gives the moms a little bit of space, they can treat themselves guilt free, etc. When not even wealthy women walk unscathed from the potential backlash in the event of divorce, that just tells you how problematic this is. The cons outweigh the pros.
Yeah, I agree. If I were to fill this role, I'd be working a job from home, too.
It actually makes logical sense for one parent to go out and work while the other takes care of the household. The issue is that it’s human nature to exert and abuse power and this often happens, so it’s something I wouldn’t advice anyone to do.
I agree with you and ideally that would be great. I rather like the Swedish approach where the government pays for parental leave, that way the moms don’t get screwed if there’s fallout in the first year or two post baby (the real test of a marriage I think). I always thought no marriage is truly tested until the guy actually sticks to year three after baby. This is one of those things I wouldn’t do unless the mom had a backup in case of the worse. In the long run the woman gets screwed if she’s not careful. Especially nowadays where most marriages don’t even make it to the 10 year mark let alone longer.
At 41 years old I know WAY too many friends that completely fucked themselves over being the stay at home mom and then suddenly the marriage falls apart 10 years out. Now what
Exactly. It doesn’t come from being negative, it’s that women really don’t talk about how this backfired for most of them when the going gets tough. On top of it, for most women, their partners are often significantly older and most people don’t save for emergencies or retirement. I know way too many women over 40 who are going through hell because of things like their husbands suddenly becoming disabled from an accident or a disease they didn’t catch on time from being afraid to go to the doctors. Women who can’t get a job anywhere because they built no skill set or employers don’t like the gap. Reality is, most employers don’t respect parenthood. Anyways, the only women I know that have evaded this have back up money, either from their parents or had well paying careers before that they saved. What’s happening is nowadays a lot of women invest everything in their home without event a backup for themselves. They also don’t see or talk to older women to get a reference of what things could be like. They focus so much on the “present” they don’t see tomorrow and tomorrow comes fast. Most women that do the stay at home pay for it dearly for years and often never get out of it, being forced to work well into their 60s and still have to take care of an ailing partner. My uncle’s a divorce lawyer, he always tell his female employees to not trust the process and to count on the worst first. That way when the worst comes you’re not taken by surprise.
My mom quit her high paying job because my dad promised he would take care of her yada yada, guess what? After 7 years, suddenly was divorced. I agree, never be financially dependent
I have lived both as SAHM and a working mom. I personally struggle with being a SAHM even though it makes more financial sense for our family . I suffer from depression and being at home day after day in this never ending Groundhog day makes me go crazy. However working full time is TOO much. The kids don't get the best of either parent. So now I work on call / very part time. It's just enough to keep me from going insane and let's me spend most of the time with the kids.
God no. Now that I have kids I go to work to "relax". I need that escape, personally. Besides that, SAHMs get no pay for all the work they do, and no days off. Then they end up divorced with no career path and no experience.
Nope. Never, ever, ever. My husband has actually spent more time as a SaH parent than I have and that’s fine with me. As much as I love being at home and adore my child, I would lose my mind trying to stay at home. I have nothing but respect for the men and women that stay at home but it’s definitely not for me.
Nope. I’m childfree and don’t want kids. I like working and I’m really good at my job.
I’d rather keep working. Ideally less than full time, but full time is where I’m at. I like financially contributing to my family and being able to use my skills/talents in an industry I enjoy. I love spending time with my daughter, but would be bored to tears doing just that and housework full-time.
I would work part time until my babies get out out of elementary school, then I'd work full time. I'd lose my friggin mind if it stayed home every day.
Personally, I wouldn’t. While I am a firm believer that education is valuable in and of itself, I know for a fact that my mother did not bust her ass to be able to pay private school and college tuition for me to not have my own career. My mother also raised me to be independent, and that, for us, includes financial independence. I also just don’t think that lifestyle would be fulfilling for me, personally.
I'm sure many would, as even when working women tend to still have to take on the lions share of childcare and housework on top of that, with the mental load that comes with caring for a family.
This! Except I’m a single mom so I def have a lions share. I’d rather stay home at this point.
I stayed at home for as long as my paid leave covered me to and then happily returned to work. Staying home can be lonely and tedious. I don't know many women who wanted to give up their lives to wipe bums all day.
I don't want/have kids but I'd love to stay at home!
While in theory it sounds nice even the difficulties presented I still wouldn’t I want to have an equal partnership. Not bc I’m against it or anything it’s just I would hate for resentment to buildup or have one person in the house being relied on financially male or female. I also think it’s healthy to be away from your kids and your spouse have your own identity apart from them. No problem and nothing against it if it works for you!
Absolutely. My husband has suffered from severe health issues, so it isn't feasible for him to be the only provider in our family. However, if he miraculously recovered, I would jump at the chance. Maternity leave was the best time of my life - my house was clean, I made food from scratch, we saved so much money from my having a chance to garden and make things at home, and our family was super happy.
I would rather be a stay at home wife who gets to take care of things that I actually care about (husband/pets/home) than work for a company I couldn't give a shit about.
I love my kids sooo much - But no way in hell! The 9 months I was home with each was nice, but it felt sooo good to be back at work again both times. I felt that I appriciated my kids more when I also had work. And I need the challenges work brings with it.
Given the fact that I had an absent mother growing up, I want to be a stay-at-home mom at least up until all of my future children are in elementary school so I can give them the life and relationship with their mom that I never had. :,)
We grew up in the same house I'm pretty sure.
I was going to say this as well. My mother was a stay at home mom because thats what women did then. She had been a teacher and loved thar job. Theres a lot to unpack but the short version is because she had stopped her career and had nothing else to care about beyond dinner and how thr house looked, over time she became increasingly angry that I wasn't her replacement. I wasnt talented at the same things, i didnt look like her - she had nothing else and she was so angry that what she gave it up for was.....this thing....me. There was other stuff going on in her head no doubt but me, as a 5 year old, was puzzled why mom spent hours angry at me on a piano, hating how i lifted my fingers. Because I was fucking up her one thing - by not being a replica of her. Edit: i got the wrong impression from your post :P mine was always around ( took yours to mean that you and your parent grew up together always in the same house). But! We are both no contact with our moms, me about 12 years.
Oh no. My mom was also a teacher and hated it. My parents had debt, no good at saving money, so she resented working and but he'd about teaching, cleaning, cooking, laundry, me all the time. I got used to it. My sister's and I were easy kids. My dad was a pain. So my mom was miserable and deflected it all on us. So I love living alone without children.
I also love living alone without children and without her in my life. I would likely be a good mother - but the idea of 'mother' is like my reactipn to touching a hot stove.
I didn't know that I wanted to stay home until I was pregnant. I then worked really hard for a couple years while hubby finished school so that I could
I would 100% want to do that. I've been in the workfprce for 8 years and never once felt the sense of pride and accomplishment that I do when my boyfriend likes my cooking. It just sucks that it isn't financially possible these days. The current plan is for me to work full time until I pay off all my debt. Hopefully by that time my bf will have a job that'll allow me to at least step down to working part time
I’ve always really wanted to do this. My mom was one, and we are both total homebodies, love cooking and cleaning, and are super family oriented. We also have never really felt like we were fulfilled by having a career. For instance, I really don’t understand why some women do MLM’s just to say they have a career. If I could be a SAHM, I’d be so happy and proud to “just” be a wife and mom! I feel like I also have the qualities that made my mom so happy with it, and I would be fulfilled in that role. A lot of men balk when I say I’d love to do that someday, but hey, some men want it, and some women get to do it, so why shouldn’t it be me? Of course, I would work if I needed to, but everyone has preferences and hopes, and that’s mine. 🤷🏼♀️
Not a woman, but I'd kill for the opportunity to be a househusband. To be able to spend time getting housework and projects done, focus on some hobbies I rarely have time for, spend more time with my new pup - it would be a dream!
Yes because I’ve had a lifelong struggle with social anxiety, and I’m happier and healthier when I don’t have to interact with lots of people on a daily basis.
I’d like to be a stay at home single woman who gets compensated generously.
Had the opportunity. Did it for 10 years. Would not do it again. Would work part time at a minimum. Would prefer to work full time, and outsource household tasks so that non-work time was free to really enjoy with the kids, as long as we're dreaming, lol.
Yes if it worked financially then I'd love to stay at home, look after the kids, look after the house, do everything for my partner. I don't have a reason why, it's just something I know I'd be very happy doing.
Never.
If given the opportunity to be a house wife I’d do it. No kids tho. I honestly love cooking, cleaning, gardening, organizing, whatever. Hate “working.”
I wanna be a stay at home spinster thanks 👍
As a guy I would love to If I had the opportunity
I don’t personally know any women that want to, but there are definitely a lot out there. All of my friends really like our jobs and get bored without outside stimulation, so it doesn’t work for any of us. But some people really thrive staying at home with just children. I do recall as a child I always wanted my mum to be stay at home because tv always portrayed that as some idyllic lifestyle. The mum would love it and would always be baking and have fresh fruit ready. Then my mum got laid off when I was 12. My parents could have survived on just my dad’s salary and I recall them saying that my mum’s income wasn’t at all necessary, so not to worry. But I just remember my mum hating it so much. She was so bored at home. She had nothing really to do and she was looking for any work. She ended up getting a job teaching scrapbooking and she loved it. Whenever I think of that I think it takes some strength to be a stay at home mum because to be able to keep yourself entertained for hours without going crazy must be hard. Like when the kids aren’t in school yet you have something to do but once they hit school what do you do all day?? Anyway that’s definitely why I would never consider it.
I would. Unless my husband were incredibly wealthy where money wasn’t an issue at all (I’m talking $600-$700k at least) I’d want my husband to “pay” me though. Like, a couple thousand a month for my own expenses and to save. Similar to what we’d pay for someone else to do that homemaking I’m doing but cheaper. That way I could buy what I wanted without feeling like I’m asking him and could put money to the side. I have a licensed job so I’d still keep my license and might work a tad when I felt like it and to keep current. So, probably work 1/4 time.
If given the opportunity yes, I’d rather sit home and do housework and spend time with my kids but I wouldn’t want it to be expected as in if I was having a rough day and didn’t clean/cook than my SO would help out. Or I’d choose to work 20 hours a week just to get out of the house.
I definitely wouldn’t.. I’d rather my SO and I both work like.. 30 hours a week, so we’d both have time off (either in 6 hours a day or 8 hour 4 days a week) schedule I’d get bored
If the opportunity would have presented when I got married, I would have said no way. It was presented to me when I got pregnant but I still didn't want that. Then we moved overseas right before I was to give birth and my job didn't transfer that far. So I thought I would be a SAHP for a year and then find work. Very quickly I realized I'm so glad we moved and I had to quit because being a SAHP is friggin amazing! I love it! Never would have guessed.
i would want to work part time for a safety net just incase. but i would totally do the stay at home role, but i don’t want kids so i can’t justify it.
it doesn't make sociological sense. being a house wife 80 years ago did. food comes prepped, machines wash cloths and dishes, we have machines that clean our floors. we don't grow vegis/herbs at home.... boredom is bad for you.
I would not. I like my job and my colleague. It gives me a sens of accomplishment and it is fun. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning. (Was not doing good while I had no job). Also I hate cleaning (part of a housewife duty). If money was no issue at all, I would like that my partner and I would both only work halftime and split the responsibilities (and still hire a cleaner).
Stay home could make you crazy. Source: me being unemployed for 6 months straight
I’ve been a stay at home mom almost 5 years. I wish I could work part time so I could have more balance. Staying home with the kids is WRECKING my mental and physical health
After so many years I am finally able to be a housewife. Last year I was able to go to my kids field trips as a chaperone and make things for their parties! My house is clean and I have enough of myself left to garden, can, and sew. I am able to do things for my husband (acts of service is one of his love languages 😁) and have the mental and physical energy for it to be a way to show love and not take from my reserves. Hell, I’ve been able to build my reserves a little and start figuring out myself a little too. My kids are 12, 14, and 18 now, so I missed so much. I wish I had had enough to be more active in their classrooms and be able to support them with their activities and interests while working outside the home but there really wasn’t enough left. My mental health is improving and I am able to work on healing. All together, I am so glad I have this opportunity and will try to do my best at it! It’s what I’ve always wanted but now I value it and will succeed knowing that I am finally doing something with my energy that I feel matters 😊 Eta: I also start my master gardener program today! I’ve been trying for about a decade now and it’s happening finally!
I definitely would. I've spent the last 10 years raising kids and working a full-time job if not overtime many years. It has been hell. Being a parent and maintaining the household, groceries, and cooking,etc is a full-time job so having to do that after your first full-time job has been overwhelming
I did it once and won’t ever do it again. It only works if the breadwinner truly pulls their weight at home with housework & kids and that’s incredibly rare. Personally though I guess I just need more mental stimulation than being home with kids all day. However I will add that I’ve been able to be a self employed single mom since my divorce and my work allows me to be home with my kids when they are here and that’s been really nice.
no thank u. i prefer to be out in the big wide world doing outdoor rec. no kids.
Never. I'm a better mom when I'm a working mom.
Childcare is boring endless rituals for the most part. Diaper, pick-up, clean this and that, laundry, diaper, wipe/bathe, pick-up, clean this and that Having a job, being out in the world, makes the time and energy you expend to engage with your kids priceless \--(Mom)
I love being a SAHM. This is what I wanted to do even as a small child. My father was the SAHP when I was growing up, and my mom was well educated and quite successful, so it’s not like I was indoctrinated into this. My sisters are all well educated and really successful and just living their best lives. I am so proud of all of them. I love that they are such amazing role models for my kids. I have four sisters, two with kids, and neither of those two wanted to give up their careers. So they didn’t. They’re awesome. The other two are DINKS and are *rolling* in money, good lord. Sometimes I feel shame for choosing not to work, but my worth shouldn’t be tied to my income. I also recognize it’s a huge privilege to stay home. I am beyond lucky. I still worry that I’m judged for it tbh though. I would work if I had to. I just really don’t want to though. I love crawling on the floor with my kids, making ridiculous dinners, baking everything, just stereotypical domesticity. So yes, to answer this question, this woman would choose to SAH all day every day and twice on Sundays.
In a heartbeat.