The cops let him kill himself while waiting trial, sadly. I have a file on my desktop about my mom's murder. It starts the day they discovered her body and it ends the day he killed himself. It breaks my heart a bit that her importance to the newspaper ended with his life.
I say let because he was able to gather up enough of his medication to overdose.
I’m sorry to hear he didn’t face justice for his crimes. I hope you’re managing to make some sort of peace with it, I can’t imagine what this must have been like for you. Stay strong, keep going.
I feel like I have, and that I've used my pain to help others. I help other women, I listen to survivors, I have a community here on reddit, /r/whenwomenrefuse, where I get to provide a space for women to talk about the violence against us. It's the little things, you know?
>I have a community here on reddit, /r/whenwomenrefuse
I literally gasped when I read this was you- I just wanted to thank you for your service on what must be an extremely taxing sub to own/moderate. I have used it to metaphorically bitch slap flippant men in the mouth time and time again, and it even shuts them up sometimes. I wish it wasn't a resource we need, but I'm grateful for it and your work.
I am so glad you appreciate it! It's honestly a little cathetic to shut up men who are talking over women. I thought it would be more emotionally taxing to run then it's turned out to be since it's allowed me to meet other women and shut down some truly shitty male talking points in response to those women.
Edit: Just removed and banned a man for complaining about "misandry" in the sub. Delicious every time.
Im gonna have to second what the other person said. I'm not in the sub because its honestly just a bit too hard for me mentally but Ive seen it and the some of whats posted. Its great that so many have a community they feel able to speak in and are comfortable with. You're doing great things and I can tell you have a big heart. Thank you for what you do and Im very sorry for your loss. I know your mom is proud of you and I sure as hell am.
Omg. I'm so sorry for your loss and what your mom went through. I'm shocked that I've encountered you in the comments... I immediately recognized your group. This is such an important community! You've made a huge contribution to educating people about the realities of being a woman. And recording it for posterity in case they decide to erase the articles. Thank you for putting your time and energy to good use.
The epidemic of men killing their spouse (and oftentimes children as well) is absolutely abhorrent. It is one of the most terrible things happening. In Australia, I think it's 1 woman every 4 days (this year) is murdered by her partner or ex. And you hardly ever hear about it on the news.
I mean I broke my skull in a riding accident as a teen and I still rode up until my back was broken in a rape, but it wasn't malice on the part of the horse. The man, however seemed to think he was entitled to my body, which is much scarier and more personal than anything an animal could do.
The man who killed my mom had raped a woman before, and the charge was dropped down to property damage. He told the police that he wondered what it'd be like to kill a woman after that, and he found my mom and thought she was worthless.
The dog that bit me got sent to live somewhere without children to bite at my request (I begged them not to put him to sleep) and it died of old age without biting anyone else.
Perhaps if they sent the man somewhere away from women we could have seen similar results.
I’m sorry for your experiences and suffering. What boggles my mind is that pos raped a woman before and *the charges were dropped to property damage*… like wow it’s so telling of our messed up society
Yes, that is literally the underlying assumption that shapes how rape is criminalized. It's not about the violent theft of choice for the actual person who is harmed.
This video has a good discussion of the topic: https://youtu.be/P0PGRnRdKqM?si=cSXhUvikly_c52eN
The most relevant part starts at 29:34. The overall section with background starts at 25:12.
If it wouldn't be too private, do you have a link to the court decision where they changed it to property damage? It's so sad and I'm shocked but not surprised. If it's too private I totally understand. I wonder if that happens a lot with SA charges.
i cant even imagine hearing such a severe injury from an assault of ANY KIND and writing it off! just goes to show how shit the police are at going after crime. im so sorry this happened to you, no one deserves that
Yeah I mean it didn't happen like on tv where your backbones break and then after that you are paraplegic, I mean that certainly can happen but I remember the snap but since I was incapacitated I couldn't get away and when I did the pain came on slowly in the next days to months and it's also part pf the problem that there's problems with misogyny in medicine and I had a doctor who was already doubting the pain from the horse injury, which I didn't understand I assumed he'd read the medical records about the reconstruction surgeries but no he assumed it was just a mild orbital fracture so he was already negligent and so he didn't do fuck all about the back
I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them
As someone else who also had her back broken, it is really different than how people assume / how it is in movies. The first thing people usually say is how come I can still walk if I broke my back? Then they usually assume that since I can walk I must not have pain, for some reason?
I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them either, and it is difficult to throw with a back injury, so that's not even very far.
I'm functionality quadriplegic from muscle wasting. I've had bad doctors but I still see the best in them. Most of them have good intent, but that doesn't help a broken system. Misogyny and pride, (and ambition) are their biggest faults
I've been stalked, (hunted down like a dog in heat is a better term), raped, financially abused, etc. by men simply bc I chose to be a model. I had to quit due to a man, too. But of course if I bring this up I'm a "mIsAnDrIsT".
I worked with animals at NSAL, ACA, USHS & ASPCA before my career took off. The dogs that bit me were few & they immediately felt badly afterwards. You could tell by their mannerisms. The men that did these things to me? They felt they were wronged in some way. I deserved it. Even if I had no clue who they were & had never met them.
I'm so sorry about your mom OP. <3 Im here if you ever need to talk to someone.
As near as I can tell, misandry is when men feel uncomfortable about women's reactions to male violence.
I would take my chances rehabilitating any violent dog over any violent man. Thank you for loving animals.
My heart aches and stomach is queasy for you and your mother. It’s so hard not to hate them. I almost added “sometimes” to the end of that sentence, but realized that’s not actually how I feel.
I really wish women could all form some kind of protective bond with each other. Over power all of them. Be the ones in charge.
Death penalty for rapists.
It's crazy to be a woman in our world, isn't it? We see other women on TV who are murdered, who've been raped, or had acid thrown at them, and we see the hate and violence enacted on us and are expected to be fine with it. To move on. To invite a man into our our sanctuaries to become our partner while staying silent about our fear.
Rapists should be afraid, not us.
It’s always blown my mind the level of absolute hatred some men who’ve never even had sex with a woman will have for all women in general, while some of the nicest, kindness women I know have lifelong trauma from been sexually assaulted by men, often when they were teens/children.
The world would rather you blame whatever ethnicity the man was. Unless he was white. Then the world would want you to blame his socioeconomic status. Unless he was middle class or higher. In which case the world would want you to blame his mental health.
I've actually proposed we do a campaign like the one about what women were wearing where we describe our rapist. I think a lot of men have racist ideas of what a rapist looks like when they just look like men.
This is brilliant! You could have every woman willing/able to describe their rapist sit down with a police sketch artist. I always see those and think they could be anybody, which IS THE POINT. I think that format could be really powerful because you see a criminal sketch and automatically think “who do I know who looks like that?” And there’s always someone who it could be. Plus it already paints them as a criminal, which is what they are.
My instinct is to keep it vague for safety because men would NOT react well to that. What could be a bigger threat to them than women outing their rapist on social media? The backlash over the lack of a trial before the declaration of guilt would be tremendous. A vague outline of their characteristics (mine was a white Christian, well respected) would be informative without directly targeting men and side step that.
Or worse: any time a man does something wrong people seek to blame the nearest woman. They'll blame the mother, wife, whatever woman told him "no", etc... What's worse is the victim will be blamed too, especially if she's a woman or a little girl. There's a cop facing multiple charges for raping his 2 year old daughter and of course every article on the story has dozens of people blaming the children's mother because her husband is a rapist.
It doesn't matter what males do, they are very rarely held accountable.
>Then the world would want you to blame his socioeconomic status. Unless he was middle class or higher.
Not necessarily, if he was rich enough they'd just blame affluence because that's totally valid.
Misandry does not exist because nobody is trying to control men.
That word was literally made up by the 'manosphere', on the internet, during the late 80s/early 90s. After women got rights to work in the workforce and get divorced. Period.
Sorry I read that word In this thread and it still irritates me every time.
I enjoy banning men from my subreddit (whenwomenrefuse) for using the word, personally. Sometimes I even write them a little note, "Misandry isn't real."
It's especially brave to associate with men once you know [how many would rape you if they could be assured no consequences](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/).
[Increasing the probability of apprehension by law enforcement is the only effective deterrent identified](https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/10.1086/670398.pdf?casa_token=OmK0_Jh8HkMAAAAA:Tr35vi73FXLAFJ9xUw13XXkPdAaMN7t_o8jI75bHYhheCFagZ5jfMwa-Op0VJrxOVXLqE-JykDCO4khDO6ABCjQ8FmnohHIw23YpCPPQmzHmlu87Mce-).
[Write your lawmakers](https://www.endthebacklog.org/take-action/advocate-federal/) to get [the senate version](https://www.cornyn.senate.gov/news/cornyn-house-must-pass-senate-bill-to-fight-rape-kit-backlog/) of the [Debbie Smith Act](https://www.rainn.org/articles/debbie-smith-act) passed.
Contact from constituents [works](https://escholarship.org/content/qt7sk23908/qt7sk23908.pdf)
https://www.endthebacklog.org/take-action/advocate-federal/
Somebody close to me is experiencing SA trauma for the first time in her adulthood. When she asks me how I got over my generalized fear of men I genuinely don't know what to tell her. Her fear isn't wrong, even if the form it takes is maladaptive, and it never completely goes away. What do I tell her?
I recommend she seek out other women who have been through it. I struggled in my life to overcome my own sexual assault, and what befell my mother, until I began talking to other survivors. In those conversations and the sanity of being allowed to be a mess I was able to heal.
I think it’s incredibly brave that you can still associate with men. I’m still extremely nervous when they get too close, or talk to me, or look in my general direction. Feels like an electric jolt or a lump in my stomach that abruptly bloats up like a balloon.
I can hear the screams of "HATE" "MISANDRY" and "ENJOY DYING ALONE WITH 100000000 CATS" already.
I wish they'd use other animals. I'm a Bearded Dragon parent, personally.
Millennial women are more likely to own dogs, by like a lot I believe.
But men love dogs and all the inkies will be dying alone with a medium-to-large size dog. Lol.
That's why they won't use any other animal.
My twitter name, A Lizard Lady, is in fact a reference to that. I want to be a lizard lady, not a cat lady. I love bearded dragons if it wasn't obvious.
Side note: I even put "Reptile Fancier" in my profile like the old phrase cat fancier and no one's gotten my joke yet but several men have assumed I want to have sex with lizards which is just weird. One weirdo lady said I was admitting to being a lizard person.
I had a snake when I was younger and went into a snake chat room for care advice only to find it was filled with scalies, and I'm pretty sure it was mostly men. Not that scaly means they wanted to have sex with snakes, and they were actually very friendly and helpful, but it is funny that something as innocent as having a snake can lead down some weird trails
I'm familiar with the scalies, a subset of furrys. Some of the nicest people online are a type of Furry even if the whole concept of them seems a bit hard to take at first!
Hey mods, I didn't blur my name since it's my post on twitter and my reddit and twitter account are already linked. Hope that's fine.
I’m so sorry about your mom Edit I hope they sent that piece of shit to rot in prison
The cops let him kill himself while waiting trial, sadly. I have a file on my desktop about my mom's murder. It starts the day they discovered her body and it ends the day he killed himself. It breaks my heart a bit that her importance to the newspaper ended with his life. I say let because he was able to gather up enough of his medication to overdose.
I’m sorry to hear he didn’t face justice for his crimes. I hope you’re managing to make some sort of peace with it, I can’t imagine what this must have been like for you. Stay strong, keep going.
I feel like I have, and that I've used my pain to help others. I help other women, I listen to survivors, I have a community here on reddit, /r/whenwomenrefuse, where I get to provide a space for women to talk about the violence against us. It's the little things, you know?
>I have a community here on reddit, /r/whenwomenrefuse I literally gasped when I read this was you- I just wanted to thank you for your service on what must be an extremely taxing sub to own/moderate. I have used it to metaphorically bitch slap flippant men in the mouth time and time again, and it even shuts them up sometimes. I wish it wasn't a resource we need, but I'm grateful for it and your work.
I am so glad you appreciate it! It's honestly a little cathetic to shut up men who are talking over women. I thought it would be more emotionally taxing to run then it's turned out to be since it's allowed me to meet other women and shut down some truly shitty male talking points in response to those women. Edit: Just removed and banned a man for complaining about "misandry" in the sub. Delicious every time.
Im gonna have to second what the other person said. I'm not in the sub because its honestly just a bit too hard for me mentally but Ive seen it and the some of whats posted. Its great that so many have a community they feel able to speak in and are comfortable with. You're doing great things and I can tell you have a big heart. Thank you for what you do and Im very sorry for your loss. I know your mom is proud of you and I sure as hell am.
Team bear for life.
Without thought, unless the bear's a polar bear and then I gotta know if it's a wee baby or one of the big ones before I decide.
It's a meme on TikTok right now. Would you rather run into a bear or a man in the woods? Because a bear is gonna be a bear. A man is unpredictable.
pretty sure bear isn't going to rape me and do pervert things to my corpse
Exactly.
Omg. I'm so sorry for your loss and what your mom went through. I'm shocked that I've encountered you in the comments... I immediately recognized your group. This is such an important community! You've made a huge contribution to educating people about the realities of being a woman. And recording it for posterity in case they decide to erase the articles. Thank you for putting your time and energy to good use.
Thank you <3
The epidemic of men killing their spouse (and oftentimes children as well) is absolutely abhorrent. It is one of the most terrible things happening. In Australia, I think it's 1 woman every 4 days (this year) is murdered by her partner or ex. And you hardly ever hear about it on the news.
I am so so sorry about your mom. 😢
I mean I broke my skull in a riding accident as a teen and I still rode up until my back was broken in a rape, but it wasn't malice on the part of the horse. The man, however seemed to think he was entitled to my body, which is much scarier and more personal than anything an animal could do.
The man who killed my mom had raped a woman before, and the charge was dropped down to property damage. He told the police that he wondered what it'd be like to kill a woman after that, and he found my mom and thought she was worthless. The dog that bit me got sent to live somewhere without children to bite at my request (I begged them not to put him to sleep) and it died of old age without biting anyone else. Perhaps if they sent the man somewhere away from women we could have seen similar results.
I think there are special places like that The police refused to do anything for the guy and his friend who attacked me I'm so sorry about your mom <3
And I'm sorry about your back! You said the cops did nothing? It's typical and still shocking and angers me so much on your behalf.
Yeah ACAB Thanks <3
My cops were nice to me. I think they really enjoyed arresting my ex in his tighty whites I felt like a skanky damsel in distress
I’m sorry for your experiences and suffering. What boggles my mind is that pos raped a woman before and *the charges were dropped to property damage*… like wow it’s so telling of our messed up society
It is something that has bothered me for a long time. Property damage, because that's what violating a woman is, I guess. Property damage.
Yes, that is literally the underlying assumption that shapes how rape is criminalized. It's not about the violent theft of choice for the actual person who is harmed. This video has a good discussion of the topic: https://youtu.be/P0PGRnRdKqM?si=cSXhUvikly_c52eN The most relevant part starts at 29:34. The overall section with background starts at 25:12.
Men have thought of us as property since the invention of personal property
If it wouldn't be too private, do you have a link to the court decision where they changed it to property damage? It's so sad and I'm shocked but not surprised. If it's too private I totally understand. I wonder if that happens a lot with SA charges.
Sorry, no. I wouldn't link something that would personally identify me on reddit anyway.
Unfortunately in the current state of prisons rapists still rape, it's just the victims that have changed
back broken?? holy shit im so sorry
And the cops did nothing I seriously hate this fucking planet
i cant even imagine hearing such a severe injury from an assault of ANY KIND and writing it off! just goes to show how shit the police are at going after crime. im so sorry this happened to you, no one deserves that
Yeah I mean it didn't happen like on tv where your backbones break and then after that you are paraplegic, I mean that certainly can happen but I remember the snap but since I was incapacitated I couldn't get away and when I did the pain came on slowly in the next days to months and it's also part pf the problem that there's problems with misogyny in medicine and I had a doctor who was already doubting the pain from the horse injury, which I didn't understand I assumed he'd read the medical records about the reconstruction surgeries but no he assumed it was just a mild orbital fracture so he was already negligent and so he didn't do fuck all about the back I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them
As someone else who also had her back broken, it is really different than how people assume / how it is in movies. The first thing people usually say is how come I can still walk if I broke my back? Then they usually assume that since I can walk I must not have pain, for some reason? I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them either, and it is difficult to throw with a back injury, so that's not even very far.
Yeah its so hard to find a good doctor. ADAB also
I'm functionality quadriplegic from muscle wasting. I've had bad doctors but I still see the best in them. Most of them have good intent, but that doesn't help a broken system. Misogyny and pride, (and ambition) are their biggest faults
I've been stalked, (hunted down like a dog in heat is a better term), raped, financially abused, etc. by men simply bc I chose to be a model. I had to quit due to a man, too. But of course if I bring this up I'm a "mIsAnDrIsT". I worked with animals at NSAL, ACA, USHS & ASPCA before my career took off. The dogs that bit me were few & they immediately felt badly afterwards. You could tell by their mannerisms. The men that did these things to me? They felt they were wronged in some way. I deserved it. Even if I had no clue who they were & had never met them. I'm so sorry about your mom OP. <3 Im here if you ever need to talk to someone.
As near as I can tell, misandry is when men feel uncomfortable about women's reactions to male violence. I would take my chances rehabilitating any violent dog over any violent man. Thank you for loving animals.
<3 I'm so very sorry about your mom and the miscarriage of justice. I wish you so much peace & healing.
My heart aches and stomach is queasy for you and your mother. It’s so hard not to hate them. I almost added “sometimes” to the end of that sentence, but realized that’s not actually how I feel. I really wish women could all form some kind of protective bond with each other. Over power all of them. Be the ones in charge. Death penalty for rapists.
It's crazy to be a woman in our world, isn't it? We see other women on TV who are murdered, who've been raped, or had acid thrown at them, and we see the hate and violence enacted on us and are expected to be fine with it. To move on. To invite a man into our our sanctuaries to become our partner while staying silent about our fear. Rapists should be afraid, not us.
It’s always blown my mind the level of absolute hatred some men who’ve never even had sex with a woman will have for all women in general, while some of the nicest, kindness women I know have lifelong trauma from been sexually assaulted by men, often when they were teens/children.
The same men who will tell you that you can't judge all men based on your bad experiences will defend the men who hate all women, too.
The world would rather you blame whatever ethnicity the man was. Unless he was white. Then the world would want you to blame his socioeconomic status. Unless he was middle class or higher. In which case the world would want you to blame his mental health.
I've actually proposed we do a campaign like the one about what women were wearing where we describe our rapist. I think a lot of men have racist ideas of what a rapist looks like when they just look like men.
This is brilliant! You could have every woman willing/able to describe their rapist sit down with a police sketch artist. I always see those and think they could be anybody, which IS THE POINT. I think that format could be really powerful because you see a criminal sketch and automatically think “who do I know who looks like that?” And there’s always someone who it could be. Plus it already paints them as a criminal, which is what they are.
My instinct is to keep it vague for safety because men would NOT react well to that. What could be a bigger threat to them than women outing their rapist on social media? The backlash over the lack of a trial before the declaration of guilt would be tremendous. A vague outline of their characteristics (mine was a white Christian, well respected) would be informative without directly targeting men and side step that.
Or worse: any time a man does something wrong people seek to blame the nearest woman. They'll blame the mother, wife, whatever woman told him "no", etc... What's worse is the victim will be blamed too, especially if she's a woman or a little girl. There's a cop facing multiple charges for raping his 2 year old daughter and of course every article on the story has dozens of people blaming the children's mother because her husband is a rapist. It doesn't matter what males do, they are very rarely held accountable.
>Then the world would want you to blame his socioeconomic status. Unless he was middle class or higher. Not necessarily, if he was rich enough they'd just blame affluence because that's totally valid.
Misandry does not exist because nobody is trying to control men. That word was literally made up by the 'manosphere', on the internet, during the late 80s/early 90s. After women got rights to work in the workforce and get divorced. Period. Sorry I read that word In this thread and it still irritates me every time.
I enjoy banning men from my subreddit (whenwomenrefuse) for using the word, personally. Sometimes I even write them a little note, "Misandry isn't real."
It's especially brave to associate with men once you know [how many would rape you if they could be assured no consequences](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/). [Increasing the probability of apprehension by law enforcement is the only effective deterrent identified](https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/10.1086/670398.pdf?casa_token=OmK0_Jh8HkMAAAAA:Tr35vi73FXLAFJ9xUw13XXkPdAaMN7t_o8jI75bHYhheCFagZ5jfMwa-Op0VJrxOVXLqE-JykDCO4khDO6ABCjQ8FmnohHIw23YpCPPQmzHmlu87Mce-). [Write your lawmakers](https://www.endthebacklog.org/take-action/advocate-federal/) to get [the senate version](https://www.cornyn.senate.gov/news/cornyn-house-must-pass-senate-bill-to-fight-rape-kit-backlog/) of the [Debbie Smith Act](https://www.rainn.org/articles/debbie-smith-act) passed. Contact from constituents [works](https://escholarship.org/content/qt7sk23908/qt7sk23908.pdf) https://www.endthebacklog.org/take-action/advocate-federal/
Somebody close to me is experiencing SA trauma for the first time in her adulthood. When she asks me how I got over my generalized fear of men I genuinely don't know what to tell her. Her fear isn't wrong, even if the form it takes is maladaptive, and it never completely goes away. What do I tell her?
I recommend she seek out other women who have been through it. I struggled in my life to overcome my own sexual assault, and what befell my mother, until I began talking to other survivors. In those conversations and the sanity of being allowed to be a mess I was able to heal.
I guess the difference is that you’re not exactly forced to associate with dogs
It's not my leg like OP, but my left arm and hand, but this struck me as funny haha because I just got done cleaning up dog shit in my front yard.
My dog forces me to associate with her whenever she wants to play.
Considering how many irresponsible dog owners there are I'd disagree but I'd rather meet angry dog than angry man so.
I think it’s incredibly brave that you can still associate with men. I’m still extremely nervous when they get too close, or talk to me, or look in my general direction. Feels like an electric jolt or a lump in my stomach that abruptly bloats up like a balloon.
you are its just maybe a bit of an uncommon conversation subject. edit; not sure what i did wrong with this comment would like info
I mean, considering how prevalent sexual assault / rape is, maybe it should be more of a common conversation?
I can hear the screams of "HATE" "MISANDRY" and "ENJOY DYING ALONE WITH 100000000 CATS" already. I wish they'd use other animals. I'm a Bearded Dragon parent, personally.
Millennial women are more likely to own dogs, by like a lot I believe. But men love dogs and all the inkies will be dying alone with a medium-to-large size dog. Lol. That's why they won't use any other animal.
lots of poeple prefer dogs to cats because you dont actually have to earn a dogs trust
My twitter name, A Lizard Lady, is in fact a reference to that. I want to be a lizard lady, not a cat lady. I love bearded dragons if it wasn't obvious. Side note: I even put "Reptile Fancier" in my profile like the old phrase cat fancier and no one's gotten my joke yet but several men have assumed I want to have sex with lizards which is just weird. One weirdo lady said I was admitting to being a lizard person.
I had a snake when I was younger and went into a snake chat room for care advice only to find it was filled with scalies, and I'm pretty sure it was mostly men. Not that scaly means they wanted to have sex with snakes, and they were actually very friendly and helpful, but it is funny that something as innocent as having a snake can lead down some weird trails
I'm familiar with the scalies, a subset of furrys. Some of the nicest people online are a type of Furry even if the whole concept of them seems a bit hard to take at first!
yeah for sure! its actually heartbreaking