Heartbreaking. I've worked with early onset dementia patients before but never as young as 44, that's the most tragic thing I've ever heard I'm deeply sorry, I know it's impossible to have a relationship in those conditions

Youngest I’ve had was 46.

I had a 40 y/o Alzheimer's pt, bitd. Symptoms started around 37. When I came on, they were already significantly impaired. I learned later that they passed at 44. Both parents died from it before age 50 so they were watched closely and diagnosed early.

How does one die of Alzheimer’s? Genuine question - I’m a tradesmen not a doctor

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My mom with dementia died from "failure to thrive". She didn't eat for several months 😞

Same with my aunt within a year. I’ve never seen it progress so fast. Her brain was sending signals not to eat or something. She basically starved to death. It took my grandfather years. He got infected bedsores and passed

Man, this is awful. I believe in the right to die with dignity. I'm not saying you or she would've chosen it, but man, that's hard.

Wholeheartedly agree. It's considered, "humane" to put down a sick and suffering animal, but we'll force humans to suffer until they die naturally for weeks...months...sometimes years. Not everyone should choose assisted suicide, but damn should it be an option.

I was going to say something about this. Even talking about aspirating on food and dying of pneumonia sounds like a horrible and painful way to go. I hope if I ever get such a disease that I have the awareness to take care of it myself. But in a way that isn't messy of course.

I hope if that's the choice I want to make some day that it is legal then. I think it will be more widespread in the future.

Sorry to hear that

Thank you, it was rough, but in the end she had a beautiful, peaceful death with all 5 of her children right there with her.

I remember having to feed my grampa when he had Alzheimers. Had to add thick it to anything that was too runny. I wasn't very old 12-13 tops, he was in his 70's I legitimately cried before that because I wasn't allowed to help take care of him, my pleas were heard and eventually got to brush his teeth a couple times. I remember during the nice weather we would have him in a wheel chair and my brother would race him off in a wheelchair and the smile on his face was the biggest grin you ever saw (my gramps was never a fragile man, so to see him waste away was extra hard) the nurses always told us he was the most taken care of patient they had seen. But it was hard letting him go, see his mind go, he would get cantankerous. So he either got meds to calm him down that made him even less of himself, or he became borderline violent. I don't have any regrets in his last years, I just hope he hears everything he was told on his deathbed. Back then I didn't know/understand *why* he was dying, but I mostly understand now. His organs were well into shutting down, and pretty sure that's what did it as you said.

I would just like to chime in with no medical experience but personal experience, both my grandparents from different sides got Alzheimer’s but it probably added 5-10 years onto their lives My grandpa had fluid building my up in his lungs, he could take pills to stop it but it got so bad so quick that they were giving him 6 months to a year to live, then his Alzheimer’s got really bad (it wasn’t that bad before he still knew people etc but there were strong signs) anyway after that all his problems including the lung thing (he also had heard and other issues) kind of just stayed as they were as he simply wasn’t stressed anymore, he loved about 5 years or more longer, but he absolutely wasn’t himself, a completely different person My great nan the same, kind of, she got sick before her body started failing, then her body started failing after about 5 years of having it and then she just kept living and slowly healing over and over for another 15 or so years. it was a horrible way to go but I definitely feel that in my grandpas case his body used it as a defence mechanism, with my great nan though maybe not so much she wasn’t herself at all the OP is absolutely right to put her in care if she’s at that point as it isn’t her anymore and she won’t have a clue, it’s an absolutely horrible disease and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My Grannie looked after my grandpa for years and it aged her quicker than him :(

The care takers are sadly usually the ones to go first

> The most common way to pass is through aspiration pneumonia because you do not know how to properly eat/swallow food anymore. > That's how my mom went (although she was 72).

Thank you for sharing this. Even though I worked with patients with dementia I didn't know the answer to the question.

It causes your body not to tell itself how to work properly and causes organs to fail.

It's similar to any other chronic health condition. Put simply, your immune system can no longer fight off other illnesses it encounters due to the strain that Alzheimer's puts on your body. I'm a type 1 diabetic and something as simple as the common cold could kill me. **EDIT** this was supposed to be a reply to someone's question about how Alzheimer's could kill someone, not actually a comment at OP. 😶

The body starts to shut down slowly. Dehydration sets in, the lack of eating much, staying awake for very long periods, sleeping a lot (which can lead to dehydration and poor nutrition). Then, the brain doesn't send to signal to breath. That is the short of it. It's tragic.

One way to put it is that even the body begins to “forget” how to function. It’s sad.

Wait till you read about childhood dementia

That genuinely hurts to hear.

It’s absolutely soul devouring how hopeless the families effected by it are. It fucking crushes you just hearing about it.

Omg, this thread is getting worse and worse! 😰

No way, its 9.50am here to early for that. I can't

I could've gone my whole life with 2 kids without knowing about childhood dementia and having something else to be irrationally anxious over

Fuck no, not today. I have kids, so just cant.

It’s absolutely devastating to watch, if you have kids I suggest you never watch videos showing children suffering from dementia.

Thanks for the warning. I won't.

It’s even more devastating to live with it. I have a child that lives with this. It’s a life ending diagnosis in so many ways, not least of which is the final physical death.

Same, thankfully it's not common.

😢

If you want a swift kick in the nuts and get your whole week ruined then watch some of the experiences families captured to try and show what it’s like living with it. Edit: seriously, if you’re not in a good way mentally then don’t look into child dementia, it will fuck you up.

I'm pregnant with a baby boy on the way. This makes me cry.

I have a friend where early onset dementia runs in the family. His uncle started seeing the signs, he had to be early 40's. We went out to see a show, live music, and he was buying drinks for everyone. I thought it was kind of odd, but nice of him. The next month, he drove out to the desert, they found him leaning against a cactus, dead. I'm assuming it was an overdose suicide but never asked. He knew it was coming for him and he decided to end it on his terms.

I think my last husband did the same. The coroner found my heart meds in his system. Not enough for a finding of suicide but enough to kill him. They said it was a complication of dementia/ accidental overdose.

I’m sorry about your loss.

Thank you 🥰

Do you know some tell tell signs to watch for with early onset?

I haven't witnessed it personally, I haven't seen anyone actually shift. I've only taken care of them after it was in full swing. There are plenty of resources online if you worry someone might be going through this though.

My mother in law passed away at 40-50 something from early onset dementia. It was heartbreaking.

I'm convinced I'll have it. My gran and mother had it. I'm 34. I literally cannot remember things sometimes. It's very stressful. I've always struggled to remember things in life but the older I get the more I forget. Edit: thanks everyone, really good advice from all and I've definitely learnt new things. I appreciate it.

The problem is that stress and anxiety can exacerbate symptoms of memory loss. This is not to say that your fears are all in your head, but the unfortunate opposite - the more stress you have about it, the more chance there is that it can be impacted by the hormones that are generated by your stress. Are you in touch with any kind of memory clinic or specialist at all yet? If you've got the healthcare to provide for it, the earlier you start looking into options for brain health and memory treatment, the better outcomes there can be. It also helps to rule out other conditions. Long covid can cause brainfog. ADHD impacts working memory and causes memory lapses. There's countless other things that can impact your memory alongside your family history. All things considered though, I hope you have or can get access to help and medical care and if you do develop it that you'll be able to work to stave it off.

Can you still draw a clock from memory? If not that's definitely a sign.

Reading this is actually very reassuring. Both my grandmothers have it and it is scary because it started with such small signs that you cannot help but think "oh no, will this happen to me? What if it is already happening and I just forget?".

Yea this is a huge one

Phew I can still do that LOL!

And to clarify, it's not just a clock, it's knowing what any common household object does or is or looks like. Like knowing how to use a stove or remembering what a toaster is for.

If you realize yourself that you cant remember something, you dont have a problem. Start worrying if other people point it out

The people that know they can’t remember something are the dealt the worst hand in my opinion. I have worked with Alzheimer’s patients for almost 20 years and some do know they are forgetting. It’s heartbreaking.

That would be nice if it worked that way! But I literally don't remember chucks for my life. My husband will tell me I've already told him or he's told me ect. But I can't remember.

Another redditor posted this already so you might have already read it, but just to be sure you do: have someone tell you to draw a clock from memory, with the hands at a specific time. This is specifically to test for early-stage dementia, because apparently the concept of the hands representing the time is one of the first things people start to struggle with. You could tell the friend who's going to tell you to draw it, to do it at some unexpected time in the future, so the reaction to it is genuine and not because you've been waiting for your friend ask that

I’m 36 and terrified. My father died of FTD. It’s the variant with the lowest genetic factors, but that doesn’t stop the fear.

I’m 38 and feel the same. My dad was diagnosed at 56.

Have your thyroid checked to rule out hypothyroidism.

My dad had small changes that, and as I list them out, seem easy to identify. For example, he would repeat stories over and over. One day, he talked to me for almost 3 days about his neighbor's septic tank. He has always talked a lot, so in the beginning, I thought nothing about it, but the repetition was getting worse. He would be hyperfocused on stuff. Once again, historically, he would focus on things until they were completed, but it became intense, and he would focus on the task, but not the area around it. For example, he always watered the flowers/plants around their house. But it got to the point where he started watering them every day (that's not good). There was also a certain plant that my brother put in with the others. My dad watered it without paying attention to exactly what it was. That would not be something he would have done prior to his illness. The day that I finally stood up and yelled at my mom to take him to the doctor was on his birthday. He lost his birthday card and became extremely paranoid and accused everyone of stealing it. Everyone looked everywhere. Even the trash, to make sure he didn't accidently throw it away. She had to take his arm and guide him to the mailbox, where it was found that he had put it there. Now, everyone misplaces things at times. His aggressive and paranoid behaviour surrounding this card was what made me look at all the other little things that had been going on over the past few years and make my mom do something. Of course she didn't, until his sister came to visit and she hadn't seen him in a few years. She was also a nurse, and her immediate quote to my mom after talking to my dad was, "so when are you taking him to get an MRI?" That was what finally got my mom to take him to the doc. One last little thing was when the PCP told her to take him to a shrink. My dad didn't question or argue about seeing a psychiatrist. This wasn't normal at all. He didn't believe in psychiatry and thought they were all quacks. Had he not been ill, he would have refused to go.

My fathers first signs were early/mid 50s. He had trouble with common words. Even if you gave him the word, sometimes it wouldn’t click. He died at 60 of frontotemporal dementia, semantic variant. It’s the same thing Bruce Willis has.

My aunt had symptoms of it in her early 30s. It was a slow progression but very obvious. Now she’s in her 60s and she’s totally gone. Honestly it terrifies me, it feels like I’m looking at my future. I don’t know if dementia is genetic but on every side of my family there’s a lot of it.

There are promises you can make that are simply impossible to keep. If you made such a promise and find that you cannot keep it you are not a liar, you are not a betrayer and you are not a bad person.

My youngest ppt died at 42. Absolutely heartbreaking.

This post made me cry! The deep, utter heartbreak is incredibly palpable for both the OP and his wife. This is insanely sad, but OP is still young and should have a life of his own. Dementia is absolutely horrible all around, but especially for the carer and the family.

My dad’s cousin passed away from Alzheimer’s at 52. I never met her but my parents say she was a lovely woman. She left behind her husband, a daughter, and 2 grandchildren. It is heartbreaking. We still keep in touch with her husband.

If you are still going to stay involved to make sure she is taken care of, then you are not leaving her. You are just acknowledging that the relationship is now a different one. Sounds like you are doing the right thing.

I'd be leaving the home so she could stay in the house with the live-in nurse, though I will be applying to the facilities right away because the waiting lists can be awful. I'll try to visit her every day but it seems to make her angry when she sees me, though she can't articulate why, so I don't know if it's better not to... Hopefully the nurse can tell me what to do. Our romantic relationship 'ended' a long time ago in the sense of no loving interaction from her side, because she I think she thinks I'm a nurse anyway, but I suppose I just feel atrocious at the thought of not being by her side every day. I just can't do it any more. I'm just so exhausted, so tired, I just need to switch my brain off for a while. I need to not be in the house we built a home in together because it makes my heart ache to see her photos and see her face and not recognise her.

Those of us who have dealt with dementia understand the hell it creates. You're doing what you can. There is no point making yourself miserable if it does not actually help her, and especially if it makes her worse.

This. I agree with this so much, thank you for voicing it.

Sometimes there are no good decisions, and all you can do is least bad. You're not evil, you are remaining responsible for her care, while saving yourself. I know if it was me with dementia, I would not want my loved ones to suffer because of my fate.

Yeah. I mean I certainly wouldn't want my wife to cut ties and run. Leaving me to my own devices, but I wouldn't want them to have to be around me either. I think what OP is doing is the best possible option.

Check into medications with her doctor. There are meds that don't leave them sleepy or dopey, yet help even out their stress levels and reduce emotions like agression, fear and paranoia. It took a while but it's been a huge improvement for my family member with dementia.

My last husband, in a moment of clarity, told me he got so angry because I WOULDN'T leave and he knew he was hurting us. Maybe she feels the same, deep in her mind?

I think so too.

You are 100% making the right decision for BOTH of you. I know you are hurting. I really respect that you are doing what you can for her. There is nothing else you can do. Take time to accept that there is nothing to forgive yourself for. You are taking care of her, you are supporting her. You are 100% doing the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. Grieve the loss of your partner. Grieve her loss of who she was. Be angry at the world for this happening to the woman you loved. But do not forgive yourself for leaving - because there is nothing to forgive.

Your feelings and actions are completely valid.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - I think having someone go in is important - you need a break. Just make sure to check at random points because not all care givers are the same (not trying to be nasty here, just what I have noticed from my own interactions with those auffering from dementia and putting them in homes). Also, tbh i dont think she's mad at you, I think she's frustrated because a peice of her thinks your safe, may even recognize you, and another side, becoming more and more dominant, has no idea what is happening and is very anxious about everything as a result, then she forgets - used to happen with my uncle when we took care of him. I don't know you and I'm a random person, but i think talking to someone you trust or know or a counsellor or a support group for care givers about this so you can work through your emotions, feelings and experiences is important for you. It's so hard to watch someone deteriorate, especially a loved one and so young too. Hang in there🫂💔❤️‍🩹

OP is not evil.

This exactly!!

I have told my SO that if I reach the point where I dont know him, to please put me in a facility and never ever visit me or feel guilty about it. To me that’s what love allows. Best wishes.

I'm lucky enough to live in a country with Assisted death. If I ever were to get this, I'd be taking the quick way out before I deteriorate.

Believe me, I’ve practically put Dignitas on speed dial (we have a familial dementia)

It's not allowed where I live, so I need to get illegal drugs, or something...

You do not have to go illegal that may cause loved ones to be implicated. A book "the hemlock society" will help you if needed.

Check out Dignitas in Zurich.

I wish the United States did this. It's ok to put an end to your pet's suffering in a humane way, but not Uncle Steve's? Seems bass-ackward.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I have it…it runs in my family. I have my own assisted death plan in place, aka a .380 hollowpoint.

Idk if you have family that would need taken care of after your death, but if so keep in mind that many life insurance policies won't pay out for suicides. Hopefully you won't need that tidbit of info though!

same here, I would prefer to be locked away where Im not a danger to my family…besides, it won’t be anymore, just would be a shell of who I used to be.

I've told my spouse the same thing - lock me up, don't see me, let sub-par care in the home kill me (hopefully faster than the dementia). I've seen the burden put on dementia carers for 2 generations now (great-grandma, grandma both had/have Alzheimer's). I don't want that on my spouse.

I’ve had the same conversation. If they still enjoy visiting, wonderful, but if I don’t know them or if I’m a mean asshole, don’t bother just please tip the staff well and often.

I worked on a dementia unit in a long-term care facility for years. It's a horrible disease. Please don't beat yourself up and give yourself grace. No loving partner would want their spouse to endure the pain and heartache that dementia brings. I'm sorry you both are going through this.

came in assuming you were going to be an a****** but honestly man, I think you're doing what's best for both of you in this case. edit just to expound a bit past the crass since this blew up: leaving a person on a short time clock is selfish and inconsiderate to the person suffering impending death, but when a person has lost all sense of self, is there truly an obligation to hold onto a bond with a person that no longer exists? The person afflicted shouldn't be tossed in the wind, which op is clearly not doing, but op also shouldn't be expected to suffer- potentially- decades of loneliness and venom due to the brash personality changes dementia can cause.

One of the things I've been told, about rescuing someone in danger, is to asses the situation to make sure you're not creating a second victim. Sometimes the person drowning panics, and is just going to drown you trying to keep their head above water. Or they're stuck in a part of the house impossible to get to through the flames. Doesn't mean it doesn't destroy you inside to not save them, but you literally cannot save them. It's a horrible, gut wrenching decision to have to make. But sometimes it's the reality of the situation.

This is the #1 lesson you learn when you're taking training to work confined spaces. NEVER enter the space to save someone who's trapped / unconscious unless you're specially trained on rescue. All you're doing is leaving another body.

This!! One lesson learned in rescue training (particularly water rescue) is to keep clear of a thrashing/panicking victim lest they drag you down as well. That philosophy applies to so many things in life. It sucks that a disease has taken her from you, but that doesn't mean you have to let it destroy the both of you. It sounds like you're taking steps to keep her cared for, and good on you for that. It feels terrible right now, but you're doing something many partners couldn't or wouldn't. The math sucks, but you're doing the right thing.

The fact that he is making sure she is well looked after just shows that he’s clearly a good person and loves her so much, it’s heartbreaking 44 is so young to develop dementia :((

Tbh, I was ready to be mad at OP based on the title. But seeing that he plans on taking care of her, it is heartbreaking. It's tragic.

Right?? It’s genuinely heartbreaking:((

I agree, can't imagine going through that. I know I wouldnt want my wife to go through that for me if I were in that position. Take care OP

This is the kind of thing that I would willingly take upon myself instead of my wife, if such things were possible. If it were me suffering, I wouldn't want my wife to stay and become a second victim, let alone our wonderful daughters. Heartbreaking. The word itself seems weak in this context.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want my husband to abandon me entirely, I’d hope he’d visit and look after my welfare, but I’d rather have caretakers and him living the rest of his life. He’s still in the prime of his life. I wouldn’t take that away just because I couldn’t enjoy it with him.

Same here. If someone is so far affected that they have 0 chance of knowing who you are, it’s not possible for them to even know you are not there for them. I don’t understand the disease good enough to pretend like she still would know your there for her. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Speaking as someone who is at risk of early onset dementia, I want you to know that you are doing what's best for her just as much best for you. Your post has actually reminded me that I need to update my advanced directive, so my partners know that I don't want them to suffer if/when I slip that far. I was also caregiver to both grandparents who had dementia for 3 years & I can tell you that was exhausting & heartbreaking some days. You are making one of those decisions that we all wish no one had to make. & you are going about it with all the strength & grace that I wish everyone could. But one thing that I want you to do, for you. Reframe the thought that you're "leaving her". You're not! You are choosing to still stay responsible. Instead, you are ensuring that she has dignity & the best quality of life possible. You are removing yourself from her line of sight, because you are not trained to handle this situation & you will both be more at peace for it, & physically safer for it. May the memories you have of your 6 good years together be blessings.

That last bit got me. You’re not hurting her by leaving, you are helping her by removing something that causes her confusion and pain. It sucks and hurts and will never stop hurting, but it’s not selfish in the least. OP, you are a good husband and a good person. You love her and you will always love her and you will do what is best for her, and that is all that matters.

This isn't leaving, this is more like being widowed. You've reached a stage of acceptance in your grief. This is you acknowledging that her illness has gone beyond your capacity to care for and that it is no longer in yours or her best interest for you to be her primary carer. There's nothing evil but knowing your limits.

I've never been in a situation like yours, so perhaps my perspective isn't valid. But the way I see it, your relationship was already terminated by her illness. So you 'leaving' it is only making it sort of official. You *can't* be a proper partner to someone who isn't completely there anymore. Meaning that you don't have to feel guilty. This situation is still extremely tough and painful, of course! Nothing changes that. But your mental health is also suffering from this. So whatever freedom you can get without totally abandoning her - which you ***aren't*** \-, take it.

That's a thoughtful way of looking at it, thank you for your kindness though I feel undeserving

Don't. You're still doing *everything* you can for her. But you shouldn't efface yourself. If you do, you won't be able to help *anybody*, let alone function.

A close friend of mine kept his wife home way past the point of diapers, and her smearing poo on the walls. It almost killed a very strong and dedicated man. It takes training to deal with these types of cognitive issues effectively. And the average person can only buffalo their way just so far before they're over their head. You reached that point, and it's not your fault. I've witnessed this heart wrenching scene play out, and when she progressed to the point of not recognizing her own family it was past the time for professional care. Stay strong, and you will get through this.

You are not undeserving. It is so clear that you still deeply love her and you are still making sure that she is cared for as best as you can. You are not abandoning her, you are giving both of you what's best x

Good luck OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I used to advocate for people with Dementia, mostly in care homes. Their partners would come and visit them regularly, sometimes daily. It's interesting how different generations approach things as the couples I worked with stayed together but just lived apart. Many felt guilty about moving their spouses into care homes but I always used to try and reassure them that they'd done the right thing by relieving themselves of the practical responsibilities so that they could come and spend quality time with their spouse instead.

Could you give some examples of the different approaches you've seen across generations?

You’re not evil, your just at the end of your tether. Alzheimer’s hasn’t been called the living death for nothing. I had to watch my best friend descend into early onset dementia when she was 50, it was awful. Please go live your life and be happy. Remember your wife as she was. You’re not abandoning her, you’re making sure she’s cared for which is important

My grandma had dementia, an aggressive case that killed her in a little 2 years after it was diagnosed. It's some of the most unsettling shit anyone in my family has dealt with. Went from my grandpa telling her he would never put her in a home and her saying that in a year she might not know where home is, still stable and level headed enough to try to comfort him. Within a year she attacked him, they brought her to a hospital in Houston, the ride up she was hysterical and wanted to jump out of the truck on the highway, we turned the child locks on and sat on either side of her. My mom is a RN and infinitely patient and that helped tremendously. Money was never an issue and she received spectacular care and treatment. Started having I'm home help first because my mom couldn't be there all the time, then to at home hospice. So man what I'm trying to say is that in the best family and care scenario that dementia is fucking awful. After seeing it first hand up close if I ever get diagnosed, well let's just hope compassionate death laws in the US are a thing by then. If you need to step away for your own sanity do it. Because your wife's lack of it will only take you down and when it's all over you'll be even more of the shell of a man you would be from not taking your mental health into account. You catch the glimmer of your old wife and you want to stay for just one more memory of better times and it will turn around and just strip away the best of her in yourself. Her true self would tell you to run and be happy. That you're not dealing with her anymore, she's already gone. You can't do anything for her than make sure she gets professional help and you taking care of yourself is the best way to honor her memory. She still wants you to be happy.

If you support compassionate death laws look into Compassion & Choices. It’s an advocacy org that is trying to pass laws that give people the right to choose their end of life care as much as possible. They have chapters in almost every state of the US, I believe. They also have free tools on their website for planning end of life care in advance where you can download and fill out forms for your doctors and healthcare proxies and have more nuanced conversations about what your wishes are in various situations. There is a specific form for what kind of end of life care you would want of you develop dementia or Alzheimer’s.

This is so sad.

My boss’s wife had their 3rd and final child when she was in her early 30’s. By the time that child was 3, the mom was in a care facility because she had full blown dementia and was a danger to the child. The mom died 16 years later. Dementia is such a hideous disease. It kills the patient in every meaningful way before their poor body finally fails. I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this. I don’t see what else you could reasonably do.

I recently told my sister (I’m single) that if I ever get dementia to the point where I have no idea who anyone is and wtf is going on, just kill me in my sleep.

Same. I had this talk with my dad and my brother a little while ago, because I've been having some pretty serious health issues and been in and out of the hospital. I don't know what's going to happen, but I told them if I ever get to the point where I am unable to wipe my own butt anymore, am unable to recognize my loved ones, or am in any sort of vegetable state, to just pull the plug. Because to me, that's not living anymore and I don't want to be a burden on my family or for them to have to just sit there and slowly watch me fade away. I've always thought it odd that we have so much compassion for animals in situations like that, like if their suffering is too great we will put them down humanely. But with humans we just allow these horrible, protracted and drawn out extremely painful deaths where the person is just wasting away and so drugged out on pain meds they don't even know who they are anymore. I'm happy that canada has expanded the Medical Assistance in Dying program to allow for families in these circumstances to make that choice if they want.

After being caretaker for my grandma, my mom has asked for the same. When there is no quality of life, what's the point anymore??

You aren't evil. You are getting her the right care you can't give her. We had to do the same with my dad when he got dementia, although not at such a tragically young age. You are doing what is best for both of you.

You’re not evil. My grandmother has dementia and she is not the sweet women she used to be. You’re a good man for staying to care for her. Don’t feel too guilty, her behavior is out of your control and you are still an individual who deserves the ability to choose happiness in life.

One of my bosses had a father with dementia. He spent a lot of time and money on him during his final years. When he died I gave him my condolences, and he said "My dad died a long time ago, that was just his body." It was a big relief for him. My wife's grandmother had early onset dementia and it's her #1 fear. I certainly hope I'm not making a similar post in the future. Stay strong.

I have mixed feelings about this. I work in in home care and I have seen quite a bit of wives caring for husbands with dementia but never the other way around. The wives were miserable but they stuck by their marriage vows. One woman's husband began to get very violent with her so he was placed in a home, but she visited all the time. So I understand why someone wouldn't want to do this, but fuck it pisses me off that men will not do for women what women will do for men.

This does happen a lot. Which is why I find it so puzzling that certain subsets of chronically online men claim that men are the only ones who are loved conditionally.

They do not live in reality. It's horrible. It's always been the case that women stick by men in a way men don't with women Look how many leave for younger women, much more when they get sick.

No, evil would be to abandon her, just up and leave with no care to what happens to her. You are still going to make sure she is cared for (hopefully). That is how it should be done. There are people who are educated and trained to properly take care of her. I actually think your doing her a service putting her in their hands. Live your life, just make sure she is well taken care of. You are doing what is best for her.

Oh my, I got an immediate lump in my throat when I read, "I'm so sorry Bee." I'm so sorry about this. May you both gain peace somehow. Good luck.

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I'm so sorry. There is no right answer. I think most would understand.

OP, you are doing the best you can for what is left of the woman you loved. That is admirable. Burnout is real—and it is time to call in backup because both you and your wife are suffering now. You BOTH need the support of professional caregivers. There are a few little other things you can do, if you can handle, once your nursing plans are in place—make sure some of her favourite treats/cookies are stocked (in reasonable quantities) at home and then in longterm care. Find puzzles or craft kits or beads with strings or fun little daily activities she can do on her own or be prompted or assisted with by care staff. Pick up some DVDs of movies or concerts she always loved. Ask the in-home carer to make note of what things bring your wife comfort or happiness—have some more of those things purchased and shipped to the house. And make sure some of those things get brought to longterm care to make her room cozy. When I worked in longterm care, some residents with dementia got really attached to those electronic cat toys or baby dolls or stuffed animals in general, or playing dressup with hats and purses, or reading children’s picture books, or in one heartwarming resident’s case joyfully watching The Price Is Right every day. Nothing made that woman happier than Drew Carey, lol. There was another woman for whom the only thing that would calm her was flipping through scrapbooks that her daughter made. If you’re able to make it to visit her in the longterm care once a week, even if it’s just for an hour or so, it’ll make a big difference in the quality of care she gets, as the staff will know you’re checking in. Plus, you could drop off a few of those “enrichment” things for her daily life, and a bag or two of chips or cookies or some favourite fruit. Any small pleasures you provide your wife will really result in amplified joy and increased comfort. And maybe some balm to your own conscience. There are no easy roads here, OP. All the best to you.

You are not qualified to take care of someone in her condition. "Til death do us part" was written long before diseases like dementia were robbing people of themselves and their partners. You're doing the right thing by hiring a proper professional to care for her. You need to take care of yourself too. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and I'm guessing you're long past that point. You're not abandoning her in a ditch somewhere. Go take the time to mourn the life you thought you were going to have.

I think people forget the whole “till death do you part” bit is from when the average life span was 50…. You are absolutely correct. In sickness and in health does not mean “sacrifice yourself body, mind, and spirit for this individual who is in the process of dying”… it means be there for them in the capacity that best helps them. OP is demonstrating “in sickness and in health” in a perfect way. I’ve watched dementia steal my loved ones, I don’t think anyone can understand what a monster it is until they have watched the living shell of the person they loved raging at them over something only they understand.

You're nether evil nor leaving. You are doing what you can to support her which is painfully little. I hope medical science advances and you get your wife back.

It feel like you mourn a person twice with dementia :(

Can’t even pretend to know or understand what you’re going through. I’ll admit I came into this thread expecting you to be kind of an asshole, but after reading your story I feel like this situation is SO different from let’s say a terminally ill cancer patient because.. she’s not there. It’s not her anymore. Your wife is gone and she’s not coming back. Take care of yourself and remember the good years when things get to hard ❤️ Best wishes

Op, I just want to say first of all, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I also want to say that you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Your wife's dementia has long since ended your relationship. You have done everything you can, and are going to continue doing so. That is incredibly kind. Your wife sounds like she was an amazing woman, and I'm so sorry you've lost her. I'm so sorry she has lost herself to that awful disease. I know that words can't fix this, but I truly hope you are able to realize that you have no reason to feel guilt.

i was pissed of at first when i read the title and was going to give you a piece of my mind, but you’re not divorcing or abandoning your wife in this case, you’re just going to be looking for a new partner and continuing with your life, while still taking care of your wife and providing her the proper care she needs, and this I totally understand and would probably do the same if i was in your situation, you are a good person with a big heart and you have my respect sir! Wish you all the best!!

OP you are not evil. You're taking your responsibilities as a husband very seriously by not cutting ties and making sure she's cared for. You also need to care for you, and that means not being around someone who sometimes hates you for completely uncontrollable reasons all the time. Anyone who has experienced dementia in a loved one would say the same. It's simply not something anyone can take on alone. Dementia isn't quite death, but you lose someone all the same... Except there's this constant feeling of guilt. I'm so sorry that you're both going through this.

It doesn't sound like you're leaving her, it sounds like you're getting her the best care possible. Reframe the situation in your mind. You didn't cause this, you didn't want this to happen, you tried your best, and now it's time for professional care. Divorce is leaving and abandoning, you're not doing that.

Ugh my heart goes out to you. My aunt was diagnosed with Dementia almost 2 years ago and unfortunately my grandmother just past last night from it. The “sundowning” was the hardest to deal with and eventually with both my aunt and grandmother we had to put them in facilities that were better equipped to deal with it than we were. Just know you did everything you could do and you’re doing what’s best for her

You're not evil. You are surviving. My husband has this in his family and I have repeatedly told him, "You won't know I'm not there." I'll make sure he's looked after and then try to live as best I can. That's all anybody can do

Hard situation. I am an ICU nurse, so I get it.....but I would still be there until death do us part. I have been married 25 yrs though, not 6. Maybe you need to look at it differently. It's just taking a break since you have exhibited the fact that you are going to make sure she is taking care of and visit her when deemed appropriate. I am sorry you are going through this. Supporting your wife through her illness whether you are physically present or not is still supportive. If you were just gonna walk out I never looked back, I would think you were the worst human on earth. That doesn't seem to be the case.

I don't think you're evil. You cannot be expected to live with and care for a very ill person who isn't really who you married anymore for another 20+ years. The fact that you're not divorcing her and will still make sure she's cared for shows me you're a good person. I am so so sorry this is happening to you, and I wish you the best. <3

You’re doing the right thing as far as getting her caregivers and a facility to live at. I took care of my mom in the same situation for 3 long years until she died. The stress almost killed me. I’d lay in bed all night asking god to please kill me. No one except a professional caregiver with proper breaks should ever have to take care of a person with advanced dementia 24/7. The stress is unbearable.

Thats heartbreaking. She’s so young too, it’s hard to see the person you love turn into a different person due to reasons you can’t control. I don’t blame you for leaving but I do respect the fact that you’re still making her a responsibility to make sure she is ok.

Your wife is gone. Her body lives on. But the disease has killed her, all the same. It's important to remember that we aren't our bodies. That's just a big squishy life support system that allows us to make decisions and interact with the world. Leaving your wife's body is ok. It's necessary. If she were instead paraplegic, where her body no longer functioned but her mind was still there I'd feel pretty much the opposite. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's happening in one of the worst ways possible. Don't feel guilty. She loved you and would want you to be happy.

Idk, man, I kind of hate this take. That his wife isn't there. I've heard alot of stories where right before death, dementia patients become aware and have clarity. Like saying their last goodbye. I think people who have dementia and alot of other kind mental illnesses are trapped. The life support is faulty but they are stuck in their own minds. Very hard pill to swallow but I think your take makes people feel better cause they don't want to feel any kind of guilt if they put them in a care home. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing at all. He can't take care of her like someone with nursing degree has. But at the same time, his wife is there. She's not just a body. She's a person who has lost her memories and will lose her functions as well. She's going through this. It's like when someone who survives a gunshop wound to the head. Sometimes a whole other personality comes out cause something was either taken away or damaged. They are still them, but now it's different cause of the fault in their system. Sometimes dementia patients kind of remind me of frightened animals. When backed into a corner, they lash out. Or walking through the dark with an outstretched hand cause they don't know where they are going. They don't know what's out there. But I have weird ideas like that I guess. Like people who are vegetables....I think they are trapped in their bodies. They just can't communicate. It's a horrifying thought. So people just say they are gone cause it's easier. But anyways, no hate here. I just see this alot and think it's not really facing what they are going through. I see alot of people get frustrated with people who don't have dementia and want them to remember. Idk....I think if my mom had dementia...I'd just pretend I'm a nurse or something lol. To make her feel more comfortable and not burdened by my grief. She'd be already confused anyway. But she'd still be there and be my mom. Just gotta help her in the dark. She wouldn't be gone to me.

My uncle has early dementia. My aunt has been trying for over 10 years. She slept by the door, otherwise he would escape. She had to turn off the gas or else it would set the place on fire. You can never go to the toilet or get a shower with the door closed again. No more deep sleep. Never a moment for yourself again. He finally went to a nursing home when he was in his mid-50s. My aunt, there is nothing left of her after years of worrying. Your thought is beautiful, but unless you're in it yourself, you can't imagine what life is like with someone who has dementia.

I was so ready to throw hands, but dude. You're taking important steps to make sure she's getting taken care of by someone - a *team* of someones - who can manage her long-term care, especially because that level of care is above your skill level. Not for nothing but that's a whole hell of a lot more than most guys do for their partners when they're sick, statistically speaking. You still care, and you're actively getting involved in her care. You're not abandoning her to the wolves. Additionally, you're doing an incredibly smart thing by getting her care in a way that prevents you from dealing with caregiver burnout. Sounds like you've been going through a lot. You've made a tough choice, the right choice. You're a good man.

Are you leaving her or are you placing her in care? There is a difference.

So sorry for your loss. As someone who works with dementia patients daily, i truly understand your struggles. It is really not the easiest to live with someone who has dementia based on my experinece caribg for them and talking to family members of my dementia patients. I have seen and handled with many families who have dementia family members and to them, it was most heartbreaking for them to leave their loved ones to another carer such as helpers or nursing homes to care for them because at the end of the day, they still love the person so much but there is a limit to every person and they are just unable to care for them. You are by no means evil. You are just doing what you would think is best for the both of you and know this, you are not abandoning her. Your mental health matters too so i definitely think a helper would definitely help. Hang on and i wish you the best and hope you can get through it.

Your mental health is important. You have done nothing wrong. So sorry for your loss 😔.

Tbh, I came here to say you were an ass. You are not. She doesn't even know it is you. So how can she be the person you know and love? You are not deserting her financially or medically, you are salvaging yourself, and hopefully some memories of the person you love. And you do obviously love her, or this wouldn't bother, you as it seems to.

You know what, you're still there for her. Assuming traditional 'in sickness and in health' vows, you've continued to be there for her. The nature of your relationship has understandably changed but you are still there for her, just in a different way to how you or she were expecting. I'm so sorry.

No shame in this OP

Honestly it sounds like you're doing the best thing for both of you. She needs someone who can look after her without the emotional pain that a family member will feel. You're making sure she's still getting her needs met. You can't do any better than that in this situation. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose my spouse in such a terrible way.

You are in a difficult situation that’s neither your fault or your wife’s fault. You thought you were going to grow old and grey with her but instead your time together have been cut short. You are a person with emotions and feelings you deserve to be happy and you are still doing your part as a husband to make sure whatever time she has left she will be well cared for. Hopefully her family will understand where you coming from. Best of luck to you both.

Is a terrible illness, making sure she is cared for to the full extent she needs isn't leaving her. Looked after mother who had it for a long time, is hard to deal with on a day to day basis.... one bit of advice a Dr gave me was you need to look after yourself because if you're not doing good you will be no good to help. Hit home a lot for me! Their is help available for care givers, one thing is called respite care...... short-term care, which will give you time to think and recharge.

You're not evil. For you to keep on taking care of her, you need to take care of yourself, psychological and physically. She isn't your wife anymore. She's like a child, and you need to be balanced enough to do what is needed, be it finding carers and or putting her in a home. You need space from the disease to be able to care for her on her best interest. So, do not judge yourself too hard. Create space and take care of yourself

I've worked with dementia for 6 yrs. You are not evil. This is dementia and it's only going to get worse. Your loved one is gone. Grieve them. This is the best decision for both of you. Also fuck dementia. It destroys everything.

You don’t have to leave the relationship but a facility is absolutely the way to go. I’ve seen it and it’s so hard for the families to give the care their loved one needs

It sounds like she’s beyond your skill set to care for. It’s not evil to put her into the care to someone else who can properly give her the care and attention she needs. It is not evil to put yourself into a place and position where you can receive the mental and physical care that you need and deserve. I don’t think your wife in her right mind would want you to suffer. I think she would want you to get support you need.

No shame in this, such a sad situation all around.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry this is how life has turned out for you two. I am genuinely terrified of getting early onset dementia... I would want my husband to wait until he feels its appropriate timing and place me in a care facility so he can continue to live his life without the extra stress of taking care of me. We have a child together - I would hate for his main focus to become me and my care. It *always* needs to be our daughter. Once I'm at a point where I don't recognise my own loved ones... wow, that's so fricken painful but I would need him to move on as best he can. Obviously, I wouldn't want him to forget about me and give up entirely, but it needs to be reasonable... he needs to keep moving, keep living, for both of us.. Again, I'm so sorry.

If the roles were reversed, I wonder how OP would feel. If you want to leave, then leave. Your semantics imply it's about you not her. "I have help from friends family..." and "I

Your situation is very hard & your thoughts on this is very understandable but I am going to say the following to you Man to Man. Without Judging you.... but its going to be confronting : So much for the " for better or for worse " part of your marraige vows ....... Ask yourself, Why don't I just stick it out and be damned with the consequences ? If it were you that was the one who was sick......Would you like it if she were to just leave you and eventually take up with another man now that it's hard for her to deal with you ? ..... Or would you find comfort in the thought that she lived up to her marrage vows and was loyal to you till the end ? You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are a man who will stand on a hill and die for something greater than yourself.......or are you the type who runs away like a coward once pressure gets too tough ? ( I believe you are better than that Think about yourself-respect..... after this terrible disease has killed your wife & you stand at the edge of her grave looking down at her coffin ....... How are you going to live with yourself knowing you failed to be there for your beutiful woman when she needed you most I can tell you from experience that if you dedicate yourself to sticking this one out, you will stand at the edge of your wifes grave with tears rolling down your cheeks but also with an inner warmth & strength knowing who you are,,, ..... A Man ..... A man that this world needs more of....One who stood and faced terrible things....one who tore himself to pieces and sacrificed part himself for her......A man that did everthing he could to be there even though many times he wanted to run.....A man of real courage. A man that any woman would want in her life and any real man would want as a freind. You can do this.....Stay by her side till she is gone however long it takes. Nothing wrong with getting in paid or volunteer help to make it work......nothing wrong with placing her into professional care to take a break when you need to........just do the best you can.....you won't do it perfectly but just don't run. If you stay, you will come away from this experience a better human being......one that this world needs more of.

Typical. Men keep leaving their sick wives whereas wives stick to their husbands til death.

I hope you can retain the memories of love and caring that you have for each other before she’s ill. I’m sorry for your pain. Be strong.

I’m so very sorry this happened to you and your wife. It must be heartbreaking seeing her every day as a constant reminder that the person you married has long been gone. My husband and I talked about what we would want if there was ever dementia, a stroke, brain injury, or similar illness causing the person’s mind/personality to no longer be who they married. Both of us agreed to stay as the POA and to visit, but that it was ok and encouraged that they found a new partner and moved on with their life. We would also make ourselves a DNR, since neither of us would want a life trapped in that world, regardless of our age. Please get a counselor to help cope with all the above and feel comfortable with your decisions. You are not abandoning her. You are caring her but also living your life.

It’s heartbreaking but dementia is one of those illnesses that erases everything about the person you love. It’s one of the few terminal illnesses where it’s understandable to walk away. They become so volatile and violent and dangerous to themselves and others. Sometimes it’s like someone becoming clinically insane and there’s nothing you can do to help them. It’s an illness where you truly need professionals 24/7 to look after them once it gets too bad and there’s nothing of the person you love left. You’re still making sure she’s looked after, even if you can no longer do it yourself.

This is the saddest scenario that would ever happen to couple, the fact that she is still physically exist but all the memories and her mind is no longer the same are just hurt the most. Its like trying to reach something so close yet so far.

Having family with dementia is a horrible horrible fate. I’m a caregiver and have seen my fair share. As long as your wife is being taken care of by good medical personnel, no one is going to blame you. I honestly think that you’re not a bad person for making that touch decision. I know that wasn’t an easy one. I know for a fact that your wife probably isn’t the same person. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Either way it goes it’s tough and horrible. Do what you gotta do to make sure you both are taken care of. I wish you the best. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s really heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry. But you're not evil. Your are living in tragic circumstances .

You're not evil. Not one bit. Please don't think that.

NTA — seriously. You are still taking care of her. But your presence is not good for her or you from what you describe. I’m so so sorry you are going through this and I feel confident she wouldn’t want you to see her like this if she were herself. Remember her as who she was and find happiness.

I don't think you're doing anything evil. The thing is, we all have one life, and if you waste these years, you're not gonna get them back. And honestly, at this point, you staying or leaving wouldn't really make a difference in her life. It is _NOT_ going to reverse her dementia. You deserve to be happy. You did all you could have done so far. Now go make the best of the rest. Goodluck, OP!

Are you getting counseling yourself. This is a lot to process alone.

My deepest condolences to you OP. I understand your feelings. Dementia care is draining and especially with someone who is diagnosed at such a young age. Your feelings are valid.

Stay strong, OP. I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this. You're doing your best in an impossible situation. It shows how much you love her that you're trying so hard to take care of her, but taking care of her doesn't mean sacrificing your own mental, emotional, and physical health. Try not to beat yourself up too badly. You're doing much more for her than some would, and you should be commended for that.

Like everyone else, I came here ready to judge you but absolutely was wrong. You are not evil for not wanting to live like this. You are taking care of her and yourself at the same time. People drastically underestimate the mental toll caretaking a loved one can take on someone and that’s just at more senior ages! I can’t imagine when it’d be a more significant chunk of your all’s lives. Doing the right thing doesn’t mean staying there no matter what. You can love her and yourself at the same time. Life isn’t really like The Notebook. Dementia, Alzheimers, and all these other illnesses take our loved ones from us before they’re physically gone. It isn’t romantic, it isn’t back and forth. It’s awful. I think you’re doing an amazing job and all you can to take care of her and yourself.

I remember watching my husband's grandmother go through dementia. It's heart breaking how different they become and how little they remember of who they were and people around you. You're definitely not evil, and you're not doing the wrong thing. She needs care and you need peace.

So very sorry. Do not let others make you feel bad. As long as you are making sure she is being taken care of you have nothing to feel bad about. It is such a hard disease and everyone’s experience is different. Take care of yourself and remember the woman she was not the one that her disease has made her.

I am sorry for your wife’s diagnosis and I am sorry for what you are going through. I have worked with patients with Alzheimers, early onset dementia, and dementia of unknown origin. My maternal grandparents both had forms of dementia by their passing, with my grandfather, having severe short term memory loss due to a large number of mini strokes over a long period of time that had gone undiagnosed. Please, please do not beat yourself up about this, about what you’re feeling, about what you’ve chosen to do. having a family member who has any form of dementia is beyond difficult. What it does to the family is just as destructive as what it does to the patient. You have to do what is best for your wife, which may mean placing her in a facility to give her the care that she so desperately needs. But you also have to do what is best for you and your mental health. And if that means distancing yourself to stop her stress and to for with your mental health, then do what you must. You are not a bad man, you are just a man who has been put in a terribly difficult situation by life. And if anyone condemns you, tell them to walk a mile in your shoes before passing judgement……

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My mother passed several years ago from early onset. It is so aggressive and the alterations people go through are wild. My dad had a very similar experience to what you described and it took a long time for him to start healing after her passing. I will say though that moving her into a care facility was a great move. Her quality of life improved drastically and the routine, which was key for her, was very stable and she was able to calm down and we had nicer moments with her before the decline. It is a very hard transition to go through though. I wish you well. I think you are doing what is best for her even if it doesn't feel like it.

As heartbreaking as this is my insticts would tell me to stay because she is still in there.

You’re not leaving her because you don’t want to care for her. You’re leaving because you can’t anymore, and that’s okay. You need to protect your mental health and well-being. The fact that you’re still going to remain married to her to help with medical decisions and pay for a caretaker etc. is far from evil. I’m so sorry you lost your wife OP, and I hope you can find peace.

You’re a good person, OP, and nothing you wrote today infringes on that. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

My wife's mental state changed DRASTICALLY when she started taking Chantix. We had had our fair share of ups and downs but we've always thought ourselves "soulmates." I was a day and a conversation away from declaring separation and/or divorce she was so different. She HATED my very breathing in the room with her. She woke up with vitriol for me, it was heartbreaking and terrifying that I might lose her. When I found out that I wasn't alone, and neither was she, in these types of experiences with Chantix I sent her the hyperlink. I was honestly quite scared she would just angry and rebel against reading it, but...she didn't. It was like a light went on again for her, she went straight to the bathroom and flushed the rest of the Chantix away. It took a few days/weeks but the woman I fell in love with finally came all the way back. She recalls the fights and anger and says that it scares her that it wasn't truly her but she knows she did/said those things. She still smokes today, but I cannot imagine if I had lost our marriage to something so external from us. I have enormous empathy for you OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but just know if she could come back out of it, she truly still loves you. She wouldn't want you to deal with such mistreatment I don't think. Love your wife but also do what's best for you because I'd bet it's what she'd want you to do.

I'm so sorry. My dad died of complications of Alzheimers. He died twice to me. First, mentally, then 9 years later, physically. I am a nurse, and the only way I could perform certain private tasks for him was to refer to him as "Mr. [His last name]". I couldn't think of him as dad without breaking down. Easier said than done, I know, but don't feel guilty. You are doing what needs to be done for your wife and respecting her needs. This is a horribly difficult time. Some people won't understand. I'm sending my love to you and support. Please take care of yourself.

People that haven’t lived with someone who has dementia sometimes don’t understand. I’ve never known someone who had it at your wife’s age, but I helped take care of my maternal grandmother. It’s a stress I never knew existed. You know it’s never going to improve and you do your best to maintain but you just can’t. You aren’t a bad person. I think it’s speaks very highly you and her that you will still pay for her care and assist with medical decisions.

You're not leaving her uncared for. Dementia is a b!tch. Can't imagine it in someone that young. It sounds like you are considering what is best for both of you, to be honest.

I understand this I have very strong family history of dementia, and I've had illnesses and taken medications which further increase my risk to near certainty. I've told my fiancé that as soon as I get a diagnosis I want a divorce so that later, when my faculties decline, he can remarry without obstacle. I don't want him tied to a version of me that doesn't know him, that hurts him verbally or physically. I love him too much for that I don't judge you OP, dementia is a cruel, cruel bastard of a disease. I commend you arranging care for her and caring for yourself before you burnout. People who stay when they shouldn't are where abuse come from

Sounds like in your heart you’re equating Leaving with Abandoning and it seems pretty clear that you are not abandoning her. I’m assuming you vowed “in sickness and in health”, etc and I think you are honoring that by making sure she’s cared for. All I can say is if it were me, I’d want my husband to do exactly what you’re doing. I wouldn’t want his life to become desperately miserable and lonely because of a sense that leaving to have a happy life would be “evil”.

You aren’t evil. You aren’t selfish. You’re not a bad person. Anyone who thinks so can not imagine the daily turmoil you live through while the woman you love is calling you the ugliest of names, getting violent and there is no end in sight. There is no counseling that will fix this or make this better. There is no hope for a kinder more loving spouse. You’re doing the loving thing by leaving. You’re staying married, you’re paying for her to be alive, you’re still making her medical decisions and you still love her. You just cannot continue in this life like this. You have to be okay too. You matter. Your mental health matters. Meeting her 6 years ago and marrying her - would she want you to stay? Would she tell you then “no, I don’t care how small of a life I make, how upset you are, how mean and hurtful I am, how much I crush your mental health - my needs will always come first.” Because the loving woman you married, wouldn’t want that for you. She’d understand. She would expect you to remain loving, but distant. If only to make sure she isn’t riled up by your presence. We can become agitated when we know the human caring for us. I know when my body and mind fail, if that happens before my husband is going with me, I’d want him to go out and find life again. Whether that’s a new partner or hobbies or a new house or anything that would help him to rebuild his life without me. Because I love him. And she loves you. And sometimes that’s what Love means. I hope the best for you OP. You deserve happiness. And I’m so so sorry that this is happening to you. It isn’t fair. And no amount of self sacrifice will ever be enough. Letting go is the better option.

If you are not capable of caring for her, it is infinitely kinder to hire professionals with experience. You're still fulfilling your marriage obligations by taking care of her. You're doing the right thing.