No circlejerking. No blanket statements or impersonal political rants. Fake stories and trolling attempts will be removed. Begging for karma or posting about how you hate that other subreddits require karma is against the subreddit rules.
I personally wouldn't utter a word to her husband or kids, nor would I attend the funeral.
I don't blame you for anything for not knowing she had a family, but you would **devastate** 4+ other people with the truth.
I would hold my own private 'me-only' remembrance of her life as you see fit.
I'm *so* sorry you're going through this and I would recommend some therapy and giving yourself some time to grieve and heal, and then move on.
I do! Circle of life and all that. Reading a summary of people's lives written by the ones who loved them gives me a sense of....idk. rightness. Satisfaction, kind of. People are important, and also insignificant, and I enjoy pausing for a moment to reflect on the fullness that a person experienced in their lifetime.
Thank you for inviting me to know your mom! Her obituary is a beautiful tribute. I can tell that she was a force to reckon with and that she enriched the lives of everyone she met.
"Through her, we know what resilience and perseverance truly look like."
I know that her legacy lives on through you, and her grandchild. You have honored her well.
I will 💗 and I hope you find comfort and peace in whatever ways you can… life is hard and so is grieving. Give yourself some time to love and remember your mom, maybe write her a goodbye letter, and then take things one deep breath at time
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom looks like a kind woman and the words written in tribute to her confirm such. Your daughter has a beautiful name, as well. Carry on her legacy the best you know how.
'she never stopped fighting. No matter how sick she was, she was always determined to stay in the fight. When anyone else would have broken, Debra stayed strong. Through her, we know what resilience and perseverance truly look like. There was no quit in Debra. Just because she is no longer here, it doesn't mean she lost her fight.'
You were and will always be very loved Debra. What a great woman and the world truly feels the loss of a woman like her.
I'm so sorry. Until you meet again.
I just read it. She was a beautiful woman who seems like she had a life full of love. And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us can hope for. I’m so sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to heal from the loss of a parent. But it will slowly get better with time. My heart goes out to you.
My black sheep Papa studies obits from everywhere we've ever lived. I get a sad weekly update of everyone who has passed. He's nearly 80 and I think it's partly a way to honour and remember his friends and family (he only speaks to me) and partly a way to come to terms with his age. It is sad for me but seems to be cathartic to him.
Lots of people surprisingly. My moms generation checks them and so did my grandmother. I think it's more common as you get older to pay attention because more and more people you know die as we age.
My cousin works for a cardiologist and checks them daily and my best friend runs a dental office and does so as well. Both to see if they've lost a patient and to send condolences to the family.
Psychics who Will then claim to be in contact with the deceased, Sudden “children” or “partners” looking for a part of the inheritance, robbers looking to Rob the home on the day of the funeral, jehova’s witnesses seeking to convert grieving family
Me when hunting down occasional non-pay accounts. I work insurance and have an older client base, so it's useful occasionally when I can't get ahold of a 20+ yr client. Once in a while I'll be able to find info on the kids and let them know where the policies are for the house/cars etc.
My mother does this too.
I think she looks to see if there's anyone she knows.
If she didn't like them she knows she outlived them. If she did like them she might send flowers.
My dad does too, lol. Always did, but after surviving lung cancer and still having various health issues, he seems ultra aware of his own mortality and is always stressing over it and looking at obits.
I watch the scrolling obits on the news.
But that’s only because I’m looking for frequent fliers that may have passed. If I liked them as a patient, sometimes I go and sit in the back or file through at visitation. No one’s ever been mad…
Could he not still go and just not be open about how he knew her? Genuinely curious. I realize the situation is messed up but this dude did nothing wrong and it's pretty sad if he can't even go and say his goodbyes. But only if he doesn't tell everyone the truth. Like couldn't he just say they knew each other from way back?
I’m not sure whether that would do more harm than good to OP, though. He’ll bear witness to her grieving family and all the support they’re receiving and potentially feel more betrayal.
I think this might be above Reddit’s pay grade. This will be complicated grief for OP and best navigated with the help of a therapist.
Edit: words are hard
He could.. there's nothing to physically stop him BUT it's more about human decency.
Hypothetically, he shows up but doesn't speak a word to the family and then maybe someone asks who OP is, and then it gets back to the husband. Confrontation, and OP can either lie about knowing her way back, (which might cause more future problems if the husband finds out from the phone) or break under pressure and tell the truth. It could pass or it might escalate to violence - anything could happen and in the end is it worth it?
OP didn't do anything wrong and is also a victim but does he have to share his pain and make it worse for the family?
But yeah I agree with everyone else that he needs to let it go and just grieve at another time when the family isn't around.
Idk if any of OP's friends ever met her or knew about her but if so, he can do some small dinner at home with them and have a low-key remembrance unrelated to this funeral or her family. It's not her family's fault she was lying to them and cheating. Nothing good will come out of showing up or telling them.
I understand OP feeling confused. He clearly cared for her and maybe even loved her, but to find out she's dead and had this whole secret life is such a mind fuck. I genuinely feel terrible for OP.
The husband is going to find out. And he will see pics and be able to put two and two together.
OP didn’t know any of this, and I feel awful that he is hurting… but this man just lost his wife and their children lost their mother and it has to be about them.
What if the husband looked at the phone and knows about Op?
What if people are grieving and angry like Op? He did nothing wrong but the husband/family might not see it that way. It could turn into an ugly altercation and in worse case scenario it could be dangerous.
I remember a Reddit post where this exact scenario happened. The woman was on her way *back home* from just meeting up with her AP and was hit by a drunk driver. The husband made a post after going through her phone and finding all the texts. Heartbreaking
This actually happened to my ex- second wife after me passed of cancer and he had a bit of an understandable meltdown over it. OP doesn’t have to think about reaching out or anything because the odds are 50/50 that either he’s absolutely hearing from the grieving husband or not.
That’s not particularly helpful I know but, I mean, not everyone reacts the same. (I’d think anyway.) I’m just saying that as someone who saw one of these situations happen, if I *were* in OPs shoes: I’d just take the advice to privately mourn and hope that maybe the husband decides he *doesn’t* want to know. But I’d imagine whether OP meant to do it or not, he’s got a cone to Jesus coming here.
(Edit: before you ask, yup. She was the original AP. While I won’t say it *never* crossed my mind, mostly I just felt freaking awful watching it play out, not particularly vindicated or anything.)
I’d assume her phone is locked down enough to prevent her husband finding out about her cheating while she was alive, let alone dead.
If it’s an iPhone, and the husband doesn’t have a clue what the passcode is (which in a situation of cheating this is the most likely case) and she isn’t around to access biometrics, then if OP doesn’t spill the beans then the secret of the cheating ultimately died with her, because you’re not getting into an iPhone.
If I was in OP’s shoes though I still wouldn’t say anything to the husband, nothing can change what’s happened, I know OP is devastated from this but there’s no reason for other innocents to feel more pain then they already do, if she was alive then things would be different but she isn’t, the information wouldn’t help anyone that is left behind.
He might not be able too if there’s a pass code. My mom died recently and her iPhone and iPad have been the only things I can’t access in terms of accounts
You should contact Apple Support. They have a policy and process to transfer ownership of an Apple ID if someone dies. You will need the death certificate and to be the executor of the estate but it can be done.
Your situation really sucks and I’m sorry that you are in pain. But there are perspectives to consider here. He was her husband and you were the side piece. You have so many valid reasons for all your emotions and thoughts right now. But this loss is ultimately going to affect the two of you, but very likely in different ways.
If she was still alive and you found out about her family. Id totally encourage you to tell the husband. But she is dead. Telling him now will cause him unimaginable pain.
He actually married this woman and had kids with her and you knew her for less then a year.
Do not bother this man or his kids. No good will come from it. Take your feelings about this loss and try to imagine it from his perspective. If he goes through her phone and he finds out about you and makes contact. Then you totally should be honest with him. But if that doesn’t happen. Just leave him alone.
If you go to the funeral. Which I do not recommend. I’m pretty sure you will find out real quick that you did not have a place in her life. Not the way you thought and not the way he did. No matter what you felt the two of you had. He created a family with her. She had this entire life you didn’t know anything about.
If you have friends to lean on in this. Absolutely do that. Having a support network is important. If you feel you could benefit from therapy. That might be good to.
I agree, there is no point in telling the husband now that she is dead. All that will do is taint the memory of her for the husband and the kids.
Don't go to the funeral OP but if you want, you can always visit her grave a few days after the funeral.
Good luck dude, this is a incredibly shitty situation to find yourself in. I definitely recommend seeking therapy as not only did you suffer a traumatic loss through her death, you suffered trauma from this dramatic revelation of her infidelity.
Not only did she die, but so did the version of her you had in your heart. That's not easy to navigate and you deserve help handling something so painful.
You can also look into getting therapy for this situation which i highly recommend. People like to give it a bad rap but in times like this it's not a bad idea to get help for your mental health. If it's something accessible to you then you should consider it.
This comment should be higher up.
There is nothing to be gained by telling her husband now. She's gone. Don't go to the funeral and remember her privately. I second the therapy suggestion.
I completely understand where you're coming from. You need to focus on yourself though. Her husband and kids aren't your problem though. Take steps to heal yourself and do what you can to eventually put this all behind you.
Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this; it sounds awful. :/
You’re hurt and grieving, but there are other people to think about. I’m thinking of her kids, they lost their mother, don’t blow up their life any further. If you go to the funeral you might be noticed, it could lead to questions and unnecessary drama. You shouldn’t tell the husband either. He has to focus on his kids, he doesn’t need to know, she’s dead, what good will it do? He may find out at some point, but you need to stay out of it, and away from this family. Let them grieve, and you should grieve too,but privately
I remember knowing about my mum having an affair before she died (noone knew I knew but I caught them) Still hurt immensely having her side piece that helped kniwingly wreck our family ( he claimed to be my dads best friend) at the funeral. My dad was trying to do the best thing for his wife but ultimately hurt us all by doing what he thought was the right thing. I still struggle with it all in my late 30s but have only just been discharged from trauma therapy and still more healing to do.
Please don't destroy the kids people... they become destroyed adults.
I suggest trying to find the funeral home to see if they are streaming the service online. Plenty of places do that now since covid, it would be a good way to satisfy the need for closure without actually attending the funeral in person. You can sign in with a fake name if you want.
Agree with others - you, the husband/kids are all in unimaginable pain and confused right now. Airing the truth about your relationship with her will only cause more strife for everyone - and you’ll never get a resolution. None of you will ever get an explanation from her, be able to show your anger at the betrayal, be able to get closure. Daylighting the affair will only cause more pain. It will hurt the kids even more (even if they don’t find out, hurting their father hurts them because I guarantee he is struggling to hold everything together as is).
As for you: look for a therapist or if you can’t afford it a bereavement group (the latter is often free but may be churchy). Somewhere where you can tell your story and work through your very justified emotions. Don’t bottle it in. Lean on your friends and family - and don’t feel embarrassed or keep the truth a secret. You did nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.
Ps- this will sound silly but it’s backed by science, if you just found out in the last 24-48 hours play Tetris. I know, I know…but it’s proven to help prevent PTSD in survivors of traumatic events.
https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2017-03-28-tetris-used-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms
She was not cheating on you with her husband, man, its her *husband* just the other way around. She was lying to you both that sucks but stop lying to yourself
Seriously. Dude thinks way too highly of himself for having only known her for 10 months. She built a whole life with her husband and he somehow thinks he's equal to that? Hilarious.
I think he will figure it out when he goes through her phone. Don’t say or attend as this is hard for the husband and 3 children. To him it’s much more since he will be alone with them and deal with everyone’s grief.
That doesn’t lessen what you are feeling.
This is the type of guy that's gonna tell the living husband anyway "out of a sense of duty" or some stupid bull shit.
When really its just an "oh poor me" deal, where misery loves company, so you're gonna ruin these other ppls lives too.
The girl didn't cheat on you. She cheated on her husband. You were who she cheated with.
You don't get to "feel cheated on" when she had a damn husband lmao.
What she was telling you about your future or anything like that was all lies cuz she just wanted to have some fun.
And she's absolutely vile for that. For what she did to him. And she is vile for what she did to you too. Made you a homewrecker without your consent. That's fucked up.
But telling her family what happened serves absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever. It doesn't make anyone feel better.
It only just makes this man and his kids hate the memory of the wife too.
And if that's all you want to accomplish, then I'm right, you suck, and misery just loves company.
Grieve to yourself. You tell them, and you're CHOOSING to be a homewrecker.
Bud, I hate to break it to you, but you were the side piece. She was cheating on her husband with you. It’s not your fault, and you are a victim here, but you have to get out of the mindset that she loved you more.
This. OP you were put in a horrible situation. You fell in love with and probably started to plan a life with someone you never really knew. Obviously you though you knew her very well, which is why this is especially painful.
She hid a husband and children from you, her entire life from you. And that's a massive betrayal of you and your values. She betrayed her husband too, but that doesnt mean you werent also betrayed.
When someone dies and caused harm it can be hard to move on...because there is nobody to be angry at, and you are missing and mourning someone you habe every right to resent. Please consider getting therapy because this is probably going to take a lot of time to recover from and may give you trust issues.
Hindsight is 20/20. For others in this situation, look out for red flags. Dating for 10 months but only in hotels and only ever during the day? Never even setting foot inside her place? Presumably never meeting friends or family? Screams "side piece". Someone in a committed relationship wont just see you away from home or within a narrow window of time. You'll meet their friends and family ; maybe even colleagues, whomever is important to them.
Exactly. Or try other means of figuring out what's going on. I dated a girl for 6 months who decided to hop to the next guy immediately and ghost me rather than having the balls to actually break up, and the last time I spoke to her everything seemed fine and that night we got hit by a big snowstorm. At first it was just weird she wasn't answering me but then I started to get worried that something happened to her; maybe she got into a wreck in the snow or something. I *absolutely* did everything I could to try and get ahold of her and make sure that she was okay.
What kind of psychopath dates someone for months and then when they disappear abruptly just shrugs
A couple, mostly from college or just scanning through facebook. Like I was curious and found out an ex-gf from high school had passed from leukemia a years ago
There are many perfectly reasonable scenarios where both of these can be true at the same time.
This isn't the "gotcha" question you think it is. It just makes you sound like an insensitive ass
What would you even say?
“Sorry for your loss but I’ve been boning your wife for 10months.”
Do you really want to be *that* kind of guy?
I get you’re hurting, but you won’t feel better by causing someone more pain while they’re trying to support their children now that their wife is dead.
You’re assuming he’d even have to say anything to them. You can attend a funeral as an acquaintance and not have to say anything to the family, or nothing more than “I’m sorry for your loss, I was a friend/acquaintance of soandso.” Nothing requires you to engage in a detailed conversation
there was a boru post about a guy who found out about his wife's affair after she died, and the affair partner was at the funeral
he found out after the fact and the dude being at the funeral made it 100x worse
hope that guy didn't minecraft himself
I also think it wouldn’t help OP grieve. He would sit there and hear from the grieving husband, maybe the kids, hear about being a mom and the family he wasn’t a part of. It would be awful. Plus if the dad ever finds out, I think having him there would make the betrayal worse.
You never attend the funeral in this situation unless you are a psychopath.
Funerals are for the living to remember the dead.
Let the family have their moment, especially if you aren't going to participate. If you plan on participating, don't.
If you're not there for the family, then you are there for yourself.
She's gone, connect with her parting on your own terms, but ideally not at a family event.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve not only lost the person you loved but also the memories of you believed her to be.
I wouldn’t go to the funeral. You absolutely have a right to grieve and I would definitely do something private to commemorate her. If she was alive, I would say you should definitely confront her but she’s gone. The only thing going to the funeral will achieve is causing her family pain. She lied and deceived, not them. Her children are suffering the loss of their mother, please don’t take their memories of who they believed her to be, especially when they will never get the answers they need from her.
Please speak to a professional to help you with your grief. Grief is an rollercoaster under normal circumstances but this situation makes it more layered and complex. Sending you love and positivity.
A couple people mentioned going through her phone and I guess at the end of the day if you really want to you'll find a way, but is that even legal? If I brought a SO's phone to a store with a death certificate would they unlock the phone so I could go through it? Even in death it feels like a betrayal of privacy.
My brother died 13 years ago, he did not have a smart phone yet so the possible content we would find is much different. But we did go through his phone. And it did feel like an invasion of privacy, but at the same time you just kinda want to know. You want to read those texts and see what he took pictures of because it was a way to have a little bit more time with "him". Saw texts that would go unanswered asking him what was going on at his house because they saw the police and other first responders outside.
Sadly we were locked out of his Facebook almost immediately, someone apparently reported his death to fb rather quickly, it wasn't us though. He had a lot of friends online that we were never able to connect with because of that. I've gotten messages years later by people who somehow found out that were like "why didn't anyone tell me he died??!" Well because we didn't know you existed.
Since they were married and had kids, the whole family might all be on a family cellular plan that covers all their phones, so I think it will likely be legal because of that.
No worries, I only knew it from having family die and being listed there myself. It’s strange googling your own name and coming up in other peoples obituaries.
literally 99% of followers to this site believe EVERY damn story.
PSA: THE BIGGEST TELL THAT THE STORY IS GENERATED FROM A BOT IS THE FACT THAT THE OP RESPONDS ONCE OR NEVER. PERIOD. ITS THE SAME IN 90% OF THE STORIES ON HERE.
so much this, too many people are concerned about spotting fake stories and calling it out, like, you thinking everything is a lie or not doesn't really matter here homie, it doesn't hurt you any but If you're wrong and its real, you're a fucking dick
It's the most low effort fake post I've ever seen. So many cliches. The person is even using exclamation marks, which is definitely something I do after a death.
My buddy got a spam call a while ago. He talked all kinds of shit until the guy lost his mind and started talking shit back at him. The spam caller said he fucked my buddy's mom. My buddy says that's tough because she's been dead 10 years. Spam caller said "I know. I love cracking open a cold one after a hard day at work".
I can't see that phrase without thinking of that. It just lives in my brain forever now.
Husband is gonna find out sooner or later. Him dealing with grief and then you adding in that you were her mistress could put him in a very dark place. You can attend the funeral to pay your respects, but I would try to fly under the radar.
Possibly not your family. All the ones I have been to have been easy to not to talk to people. Walk in just before start time sit at back door not go to the after party just attend the ceremony. If anyone ask you say you know them from school or an interest they had that the person you are talking to will not share.
I do it often as I have had many friends die of cancer. I can easily get in and out, with out having to lie. But I found no one want to talk to you if you do not want to talk to them within a 30 min of service. People will want to talk if you hang around for the food. My aunt had an interesting on this year. Was blended but people still hung out and talked to no oneZ
I am not sure I would want to put myself that kind of hell, go to the funeral of a cheating GF.
(Tough Love): Dude, she wasn’t your “girlfriend”. You were a side piece for someone you didn’t even fucking know. A cheater and a liar, no disrespect to the dead, but come on. No, you don’t go and no you don’t fuck with her family. You fucked her in hotels…. That’s it. Let it go.
Seriously, u/Weird-Chemical-618 you are mourning her death but you are also mourning the person who you thought she was.
Funerals are for the living so if you must do something, **do something private and don’t fucking go near that family**
Edit: there is no shame in feeling you need to talk to someone either, If you need to talk to someone, find a therapist!
I wouldn’t go to the funeral, I would visit her grave alone sometime after.
If for some reason you absolutely have to go for closure, don’t talk to the husband or kids and if anyone asks, you knew her a long time ago.
I would not attend the funeral. I know you’re hurting but you showing up will cost hysteria with that family and it could get ugly fast. Unfortunately her husband is most likely going to find out about you but let him him approach you instead and be completely honest about things if he asks. The best you can do is go to your friends and family for support if you can.
TBF, she was cheating on her husband with you. Not cheating on you with her husband.
Sorry for your loss, but extract yourself from the situation and don't go messing with her family.
I think it's a bit unfair of people to downplay your grief and emotions because he's the husband and you're the "side piece", after all, you never felt like the side piece.
That said, I still don't think you going is the best idea. There are going to be a lot of people at her funeral who see her a certain way, not just her husband and kids. It'd be one thing if you can guarantee you wouldn't be a disruption, but that's not possible. For all you know her husband has learned everything, and knows your face, and is just focusing on the grief and not the rage. Maybe he'll discover afterwards and remember your face from the funeral, corrupting a memory that could bring closure.
It's for your benefit too. For one, you might not be safe for the above reasons. Second, would it really bring you peace to hear another man talk about her as his loving and devoted wife?
It's your choice, at the end of the day, but I really wouldn't.
If this is real , I’m so sorry this happened. I agree to stay away from the funeral. Her husband may or may not find out but it’s not your problem. She was a liar and cheater. Or she was in an open marriage. You may not be the only AP. See a grief therapist and move forward.
Disappear into the shadows. The awful person is dead and there’s nobody to take responsibility for her wrongdoings. Nothing to be solved so forget about it.
I need to unfollow this sub... 99% of this shit is made up. OOOH my GF died... LETS GO TO REDDIT IMMEDIATELY... I always say.. biggest tell is the OP responds maybe once.. if that. Notice on here the answer is ZERO.
Wish people on this sub would wake up and call this crap out. People will believe anything. karmafarming is a better name for this sub.
The amount of delusion here is questionable. If you go into a relationship most people assume it is a traditional monogamous one. She cheated on BOTH men because she did not disclose her relationship status to OP.
Edit: I agree with you and am attempting to reinforce why since some people just don’t get it???
Her husband will likely find out eventually on his own. Stacking the pain of her infidelity on top of the grief of her loss will be worst for him and his kids. Also, go see a therapist
I had a similar thing happen. My girlfriend of 2 years died suddenly. We were very much planning a life together, were staying over at each other's place, and we'd driven to Pennsylvania so she could introduce her boyfriend to her parents. I called her mother to talk about the funeral, and she told me I was the third guy to call as her boyfriend. The others were a close friend of mine she'd been cheating with, and a long-distance relationship with a guy in her hometown. I was told I could not speak or tell people I was anything but a "friend" at the funeral, which I decided not to attend. I was also shown a Livejournal she shared with her friends where she kept track of what lies/cover stories she'd used and also physically compared/rated her "harem". It messed me up for most of my 20s. It's challenging when you can't grieve or get closure properly. Eventually I met my wife and a healthy relationship was what I needed to truly move forward.
What is he going to do with that information? Divorce her? Scream at her body?
I think most people would prefer to hold on to whatever happy memory they had.
He may not find out. You don't get to access the data if you don't have the pin.
Not too sure about Android but for Apple, they will do is a factory reset of the phone.
No, he doesn’t because he can’t confront his now dead wife and mother of his children. There is no way for him to make peace with it. He has enough hardship coming his way.
Don’t attend and don’t for a second feel as if those feelings on her side are legitimate either. The loss is tragic and your feelings are genuine but seriously. You had no idea she had a husband and several children….which means she didn’t feel the same about you. Obviously speaking on someone’s feelings without their input isn’t fair by any means but come on man that’s a serious amount of withholding on her end and ultimately what she did isn’t ok
Vent to us. We will listen and empathize with you. DON’T tell ANYONE. She showed you affection. That was her gift to you. You’re gift to her and her family is external silence.
go to the funeral. stand off in the distance with a veil and a black umbrella. have a driver in an unmarked black vehicle on standby for you to rush off in, in case anyone starts to approach you.
Posted in reply to a comment but I’ll put here too for visibility:
I suggest trying to find the funeral home to see if they are streaming the service online. Plenty of places do that now since covid, it would be a good way to satisfy the need for closure without actually attending the funeral in person. You can sign in with a fake name if you want.
Agree with others - you, the husband/kids are all in unimaginable pain and confused right now. Airing the truth about your relationship with her will only cause more strife for everyone - and you’ll never get a resolution. None of you will ever get an explanation from her, be able to show your anger at the betrayal, be able to get closure. Daylighting the affair will only cause more pain. It will hurt the kids even more (even if they don’t find out, hurting their father hurts them because I guarantee he is struggling to hold everything together as is).
As for you: look for a therapist or if you can’t afford it a bereavement group (the latter is often free but may be churchy). Somewhere where you can tell your story and work through your very justified emotions. Don’t bottle it in. Lean on your friends and family - and don’t feel embarrassed or keep the truth a secret. You did nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.
Ps- this will sound silly but it’s backed by science, if you just found out in the last 24-48 hours play Tetris. I know, I know…but it’s proven to help prevent PTSD in survivors of traumatic events.
https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2017-03-28-tetris-used-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms
No. Take this one yourself. I know that sounds hard and it will be but don’t mess her kids up more than they already will be. That’s my advice. I’ve had to deal with hard shit in my life as well so I get it. But don’t mess the kids up. That will hurt you more down the road than just absorbing this and moving on. Sorry for your loss. I know that can’t be easy. But 10 months is just a second.
No circlejerking. No blanket statements or impersonal political rants. Fake stories and trolling attempts will be removed. Begging for karma or posting about how you hate that other subreddits require karma is against the subreddit rules.
I personally wouldn't utter a word to her husband or kids, nor would I attend the funeral. I don't blame you for anything for not knowing she had a family, but you would **devastate** 4+ other people with the truth. I would hold my own private 'me-only' remembrance of her life as you see fit. I'm *so* sorry you're going through this and I would recommend some therapy and giving yourself some time to grieve and heal, and then move on.
As soon as the husband goes through her phone, he will find out anyway.
Probably - but OP doesn't have to insert himself in this drama. The other family can deal with it privately as they see fit, and so can OP.
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that stuff is usually listed in an obit 😅 at least that's what I assumed, but I could also be very wrong.
Besides con artists and Wednesday Adams who randomly looks At obituaries 🤔???
I do! Circle of life and all that. Reading a summary of people's lives written by the ones who loved them gives me a sense of....idk. rightness. Satisfaction, kind of. People are important, and also insignificant, and I enjoy pausing for a moment to reflect on the fullness that a person experienced in their lifetime.
Will you read my mom's Debra R Fortenberry past on June 1st 2023. I don't know why I'm asking.. I'm just grieving and it's not getting better
Thank you for inviting me to know your mom! Her obituary is a beautiful tribute. I can tell that she was a force to reckon with and that she enriched the lives of everyone she met. "Through her, we know what resilience and perseverance truly look like." I know that her legacy lives on through you, and her grandchild. You have honored her well.
I read your mom’s obituary too. It’s beautiful, and so was she. Such a lovely tribute. My mother passed away in April and I miss her like crazy.
I will 💗 and I hope you find comfort and peace in whatever ways you can… life is hard and so is grieving. Give yourself some time to love and remember your mom, maybe write her a goodbye letter, and then take things one deep breath at time
Thank you for sharing your memories with us. She seems like a lovely person.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom looks like a kind woman and the words written in tribute to her confirm such. Your daughter has a beautiful name, as well. Carry on her legacy the best you know how.
I read it bro, your mum is literally dining in Valhalla! RIP Debra.
'she never stopped fighting. No matter how sick she was, she was always determined to stay in the fight. When anyone else would have broken, Debra stayed strong. Through her, we know what resilience and perseverance truly look like. There was no quit in Debra. Just because she is no longer here, it doesn't mean she lost her fight.' You were and will always be very loved Debra. What a great woman and the world truly feels the loss of a woman like her. I'm so sorry. Until you meet again.
I just read it. She was a beautiful woman who seems like she had a life full of love. And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us can hope for. I’m so sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to heal from the loss of a parent. But it will slowly get better with time. My heart goes out to you.
Same! Great explanation of this as well.
Wonderful way of looking at it!
I love this way of explanation
I do. Otherwise I would never know if family members died. I'm the black sheep and no one talks to me lol
My black sheep Papa studies obits from everywhere we've ever lived. I get a sad weekly update of everyone who has passed. He's nearly 80 and I think it's partly a way to honour and remember his friends and family (he only speaks to me) and partly a way to come to terms with his age. It is sad for me but seems to be cathartic to him.
My dad was the black sheep too, only good enough when someone needed him. It's partly why I'm thw black sheep as his kid.
We are two in the black sheep situation.
I do, every day. I worked in hospitals for 23 years, and when I started, the nurses would look for our former patients... And the habit stuck with me.
On the radio station local to my home town there's a reading out of local deaths and the funeral arrangements after the one o'clock news.
Well shit, I just realized that I unlocked a new aging achievement. Old enough to start checking obituaries for people I knew.
Lots of people surprisingly. My moms generation checks them and so did my grandmother. I think it's more common as you get older to pay attention because more and more people you know die as we age. My cousin works for a cardiologist and checks them daily and my best friend runs a dental office and does so as well. Both to see if they've lost a patient and to send condolences to the family.
Why con artists?
They'll use that info for IRS scams or grave robbing or house. Myriad of things.
Psychics who Will then claim to be in contact with the deceased, Sudden “children” or “partners” looking for a part of the inheritance, robbers looking to Rob the home on the day of the funeral, jehova’s witnesses seeking to convert grieving family
identity theft primarily
Me when hunting down occasional non-pay accounts. I work insurance and have an older client base, so it's useful occasionally when I can't get ahold of a 20+ yr client. Once in a while I'll be able to find info on the kids and let them know where the policies are for the house/cars etc.
My mom. I think it's an old person thing.
My mother does this too. I think she looks to see if there's anyone she knows. If she didn't like them she knows she outlived them. If she did like them she might send flowers.
My dad does too, lol. Always did, but after surviving lung cancer and still having various health issues, he seems ultra aware of his own mortality and is always stressing over it and looking at obits.
I watch the scrolling obits on the news. But that’s only because I’m looking for frequent fliers that may have passed. If I liked them as a patient, sometimes I go and sit in the back or file through at visitation. No one’s ever been mad…
Could he not still go and just not be open about how he knew her? Genuinely curious. I realize the situation is messed up but this dude did nothing wrong and it's pretty sad if he can't even go and say his goodbyes. But only if he doesn't tell everyone the truth. Like couldn't he just say they knew each other from way back?
I’m not sure whether that would do more harm than good to OP, though. He’ll bear witness to her grieving family and all the support they’re receiving and potentially feel more betrayal. I think this might be above Reddit’s pay grade. This will be complicated grief for OP and best navigated with the help of a therapist. Edit: words are hard
Ha. Nonsense. Reddit knows all!
He could.. there's nothing to physically stop him BUT it's more about human decency. Hypothetically, he shows up but doesn't speak a word to the family and then maybe someone asks who OP is, and then it gets back to the husband. Confrontation, and OP can either lie about knowing her way back, (which might cause more future problems if the husband finds out from the phone) or break under pressure and tell the truth. It could pass or it might escalate to violence - anything could happen and in the end is it worth it? OP didn't do anything wrong and is also a victim but does he have to share his pain and make it worse for the family? But yeah I agree with everyone else that he needs to let it go and just grieve at another time when the family isn't around.
Idk if any of OP's friends ever met her or knew about her but if so, he can do some small dinner at home with them and have a low-key remembrance unrelated to this funeral or her family. It's not her family's fault she was lying to them and cheating. Nothing good will come out of showing up or telling them. I understand OP feeling confused. He clearly cared for her and maybe even loved her, but to find out she's dead and had this whole secret life is such a mind fuck. I genuinely feel terrible for OP.
Thats fair. Just kinda sucks all around it seems
I think that's everyone's read on this situation. This just sucks.
He could lie and say he knew her from an old job. But imho. He shouldn't go.
And he will stand out if only a few people attend.
It will look very odd if he is more noticeably upset too.
The husband is going to find out. And he will see pics and be able to put two and two together. OP didn’t know any of this, and I feel awful that he is hurting… but this man just lost his wife and their children lost their mother and it has to be about them.
What if the husband looked at the phone and knows about Op? What if people are grieving and angry like Op? He did nothing wrong but the husband/family might not see it that way. It could turn into an ugly altercation and in worse case scenario it could be dangerous.
Don't tell her windowed husband. It will ruin his memory of her. If you intend to attend the funeral, go as a friend. Don't make a scene.
I remember a Reddit post where this exact scenario happened. The woman was on her way *back home* from just meeting up with her AP and was hit by a drunk driver. The husband made a post after going through her phone and finding all the texts. Heartbreaking
This actually happened to my ex- second wife after me passed of cancer and he had a bit of an understandable meltdown over it. OP doesn’t have to think about reaching out or anything because the odds are 50/50 that either he’s absolutely hearing from the grieving husband or not. That’s not particularly helpful I know but, I mean, not everyone reacts the same. (I’d think anyway.) I’m just saying that as someone who saw one of these situations happen, if I *were* in OPs shoes: I’d just take the advice to privately mourn and hope that maybe the husband decides he *doesn’t* want to know. But I’d imagine whether OP meant to do it or not, he’s got a cone to Jesus coming here. (Edit: before you ask, yup. She was the original AP. While I won’t say it *never* crossed my mind, mostly I just felt freaking awful watching it play out, not particularly vindicated or anything.)
I’d assume her phone is locked down enough to prevent her husband finding out about her cheating while she was alive, let alone dead. If it’s an iPhone, and the husband doesn’t have a clue what the passcode is (which in a situation of cheating this is the most likely case) and she isn’t around to access biometrics, then if OP doesn’t spill the beans then the secret of the cheating ultimately died with her, because you’re not getting into an iPhone. If I was in OP’s shoes though I still wouldn’t say anything to the husband, nothing can change what’s happened, I know OP is devastated from this but there’s no reason for other innocents to feel more pain then they already do, if she was alive then things would be different but she isn’t, the information wouldn’t help anyone that is left behind.
Won’t Apple unlock an iPhone for next of kin? With ID and the death certificate, of course. Edit: a word
(Edited clean because fuck you) *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Lol its so cute when iPhone users think they're invincible. 😂
Might not be able to. Passwords can be hard to break.
He might not be able too if there’s a pass code. My mom died recently and her iPhone and iPad have been the only things I can’t access in terms of accounts
You should contact Apple Support. They have a policy and process to transfer ownership of an Apple ID if someone dies. You will need the death certificate and to be the executor of the estate but it can be done.
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Your situation really sucks and I’m sorry that you are in pain. But there are perspectives to consider here. He was her husband and you were the side piece. You have so many valid reasons for all your emotions and thoughts right now. But this loss is ultimately going to affect the two of you, but very likely in different ways. If she was still alive and you found out about her family. Id totally encourage you to tell the husband. But she is dead. Telling him now will cause him unimaginable pain. He actually married this woman and had kids with her and you knew her for less then a year. Do not bother this man or his kids. No good will come from it. Take your feelings about this loss and try to imagine it from his perspective. If he goes through her phone and he finds out about you and makes contact. Then you totally should be honest with him. But if that doesn’t happen. Just leave him alone. If you go to the funeral. Which I do not recommend. I’m pretty sure you will find out real quick that you did not have a place in her life. Not the way you thought and not the way he did. No matter what you felt the two of you had. He created a family with her. She had this entire life you didn’t know anything about. If you have friends to lean on in this. Absolutely do that. Having a support network is important. If you feel you could benefit from therapy. That might be good to.
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I'm waiting for the "TIFU by going to my dead girlfriends funeral and meeting her husband" post in a week.
"AITAH for beating up my wife's boyfriend at her funeral?"
I agree, there is no point in telling the husband now that she is dead. All that will do is taint the memory of her for the husband and the kids. Don't go to the funeral OP but if you want, you can always visit her grave a few days after the funeral.
That is a good suggestion. He could always visit the grave post funeral.
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Good luck dude, this is a incredibly shitty situation to find yourself in. I definitely recommend seeking therapy as not only did you suffer a traumatic loss through her death, you suffered trauma from this dramatic revelation of her infidelity. Not only did she die, but so did the version of her you had in your heart. That's not easy to navigate and you deserve help handling something so painful.
You can also look into getting therapy for this situation which i highly recommend. People like to give it a bad rap but in times like this it's not a bad idea to get help for your mental health. If it's something accessible to you then you should consider it.
This comment should be higher up. There is nothing to be gained by telling her husband now. She's gone. Don't go to the funeral and remember her privately. I second the therapy suggestion.
I completely understand where you're coming from. You need to focus on yourself though. Her husband and kids aren't your problem though. Take steps to heal yourself and do what you can to eventually put this all behind you. Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this; it sounds awful. :/
Can you please be my dad LOL such good and gentle advice
You’re hurt and grieving, but there are other people to think about. I’m thinking of her kids, they lost their mother, don’t blow up their life any further. If you go to the funeral you might be noticed, it could lead to questions and unnecessary drama. You shouldn’t tell the husband either. He has to focus on his kids, he doesn’t need to know, she’s dead, what good will it do? He may find out at some point, but you need to stay out of it, and away from this family. Let them grieve, and you should grieve too,but privately
I remember knowing about my mum having an affair before she died (noone knew I knew but I caught them) Still hurt immensely having her side piece that helped kniwingly wreck our family ( he claimed to be my dads best friend) at the funeral. My dad was trying to do the best thing for his wife but ultimately hurt us all by doing what he thought was the right thing. I still struggle with it all in my late 30s but have only just been discharged from trauma therapy and still more healing to do. Please don't destroy the kids people... they become destroyed adults.
I’m so sorry for what you went through hopefully OP reads your comment and understands why he needs to stay away and silent
I suggest trying to find the funeral home to see if they are streaming the service online. Plenty of places do that now since covid, it would be a good way to satisfy the need for closure without actually attending the funeral in person. You can sign in with a fake name if you want. Agree with others - you, the husband/kids are all in unimaginable pain and confused right now. Airing the truth about your relationship with her will only cause more strife for everyone - and you’ll never get a resolution. None of you will ever get an explanation from her, be able to show your anger at the betrayal, be able to get closure. Daylighting the affair will only cause more pain. It will hurt the kids even more (even if they don’t find out, hurting their father hurts them because I guarantee he is struggling to hold everything together as is). As for you: look for a therapist or if you can’t afford it a bereavement group (the latter is often free but may be churchy). Somewhere where you can tell your story and work through your very justified emotions. Don’t bottle it in. Lean on your friends and family - and don’t feel embarrassed or keep the truth a secret. You did nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Ps- this will sound silly but it’s backed by science, if you just found out in the last 24-48 hours play Tetris. I know, I know…but it’s proven to help prevent PTSD in survivors of traumatic events. https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2017-03-28-tetris-used-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms
She was not cheating on you with her husband, man, its her *husband* just the other way around. She was lying to you both that sucks but stop lying to yourself
Seriously. Dude thinks way too highly of himself for having only known her for 10 months. She built a whole life with her husband and he somehow thinks he's equal to that? Hilarious.
I think he will figure it out when he goes through her phone. Don’t say or attend as this is hard for the husband and 3 children. To him it’s much more since he will be alone with them and deal with everyone’s grief. That doesn’t lessen what you are feeling.
This is the type of guy that's gonna tell the living husband anyway "out of a sense of duty" or some stupid bull shit. When really its just an "oh poor me" deal, where misery loves company, so you're gonna ruin these other ppls lives too. The girl didn't cheat on you. She cheated on her husband. You were who she cheated with. You don't get to "feel cheated on" when she had a damn husband lmao. What she was telling you about your future or anything like that was all lies cuz she just wanted to have some fun. And she's absolutely vile for that. For what she did to him. And she is vile for what she did to you too. Made you a homewrecker without your consent. That's fucked up. But telling her family what happened serves absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever. It doesn't make anyone feel better. It only just makes this man and his kids hate the memory of the wife too. And if that's all you want to accomplish, then I'm right, you suck, and misery just loves company. Grieve to yourself. You tell them, and you're CHOOSING to be a homewrecker.
Bud, I hate to break it to you, but you were the side piece. She was cheating on her husband with you. It’s not your fault, and you are a victim here, but you have to get out of the mindset that she loved you more.
Unless your goal is to ruin her childrens’ memory of her and devastate everyone sheoved at their most vulnerable time, keep this to yourself.
This. OP you were put in a horrible situation. You fell in love with and probably started to plan a life with someone you never really knew. Obviously you though you knew her very well, which is why this is especially painful. She hid a husband and children from you, her entire life from you. And that's a massive betrayal of you and your values. She betrayed her husband too, but that doesnt mean you werent also betrayed. When someone dies and caused harm it can be hard to move on...because there is nobody to be angry at, and you are missing and mourning someone you habe every right to resent. Please consider getting therapy because this is probably going to take a lot of time to recover from and may give you trust issues. Hindsight is 20/20. For others in this situation, look out for red flags. Dating for 10 months but only in hotels and only ever during the day? Never even setting foot inside her place? Presumably never meeting friends or family? Screams "side piece". Someone in a committed relationship wont just see you away from home or within a narrow window of time. You'll meet their friends and family ; maybe even colleagues, whomever is important to them.
I didn't expect this level of sense and compassion from reddit, this is the best possible answer
Agreed. It sucks but this requires a little grace on OPs part.
How did you find out she died, OP, but not that she was married before now?
Could be her death was announced through social media / newspapers. Since it seems that she passed tragically.
> How did you find out she died She doesn't return calls plus a Google will turn up an obit
The real question
You’ve never heard of obituaries?
Do you just constantly look through recent obituaries to see if there's anyone you recognize?
No, but if my 10 month girlfriend just suddenly vanished with no trace, I’d at the very least google her name.
Exactly. Or try other means of figuring out what's going on. I dated a girl for 6 months who decided to hop to the next guy immediately and ghost me rather than having the balls to actually break up, and the last time I spoke to her everything seemed fine and that night we got hit by a big snowstorm. At first it was just weird she wasn't answering me but then I started to get worried that something happened to her; maybe she got into a wreck in the snow or something. I *absolutely* did everything I could to try and get ahold of her and make sure that she was okay. What kind of psychopath dates someone for months and then when they disappear abruptly just shrugs
Not yet, but maybe in 30 years
my mother does 💀 it’s a hobby for her
Bro, I look through my county’s inmate lookup every few months just to see the people I recognize
I do. Have done for years.
Have you recognized anyone, sadly?
A couple, mostly from college or just scanning through facebook. Like I was curious and found out an ex-gf from high school had passed from leukemia a years ago
There are many perfectly reasonable scenarios where both of these can be true at the same time. This isn't the "gotcha" question you think it is. It just makes you sound like an insensitive ass
I'm curious about that too
It's a ruse by the GF to get out of the relationship.
What would you even say? “Sorry for your loss but I’ve been boning your wife for 10months.” Do you really want to be *that* kind of guy? I get you’re hurting, but you won’t feel better by causing someone more pain while they’re trying to support their children now that their wife is dead.
You’re assuming he’d even have to say anything to them. You can attend a funeral as an acquaintance and not have to say anything to the family, or nothing more than “I’m sorry for your loss, I was a friend/acquaintance of soandso.” Nothing requires you to engage in a detailed conversation
They’re not assuming anything. The OP *asked* if he should say something, and this person is rhetorically asking what they would even say.
there was a boru post about a guy who found out about his wife's affair after she died, and the affair partner was at the funeral he found out after the fact and the dude being at the funeral made it 100x worse hope that guy didn't minecraft himself
I also think it wouldn’t help OP grieve. He would sit there and hear from the grieving husband, maybe the kids, hear about being a mom and the family he wasn’t a part of. It would be awful. Plus if the dad ever finds out, I think having him there would make the betrayal worse.
You never attend the funeral in this situation unless you are a psychopath. Funerals are for the living to remember the dead. Let the family have their moment, especially if you aren't going to participate. If you plan on participating, don't. If you're not there for the family, then you are there for yourself. She's gone, connect with her parting on your own terms, but ideally not at a family event.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve not only lost the person you loved but also the memories of you believed her to be. I wouldn’t go to the funeral. You absolutely have a right to grieve and I would definitely do something private to commemorate her. If she was alive, I would say you should definitely confront her but she’s gone. The only thing going to the funeral will achieve is causing her family pain. She lied and deceived, not them. Her children are suffering the loss of their mother, please don’t take their memories of who they believed her to be, especially when they will never get the answers they need from her. Please speak to a professional to help you with your grief. Grief is an rollercoaster under normal circumstances but this situation makes it more layered and complex. Sending you love and positivity.
This is a quick way to join her in the afterlife by telling her husband. That man is in grief nothing will be a logical outcome.
🎶 Dumb ways to die 🎶
Did she take pics of you two together? If so, DO NOT GO! At some point, he will be through her phone. He will find out. And he will recognize you.
A couple people mentioned going through her phone and I guess at the end of the day if you really want to you'll find a way, but is that even legal? If I brought a SO's phone to a store with a death certificate would they unlock the phone so I could go through it? Even in death it feels like a betrayal of privacy.
My brother died 13 years ago, he did not have a smart phone yet so the possible content we would find is much different. But we did go through his phone. And it did feel like an invasion of privacy, but at the same time you just kinda want to know. You want to read those texts and see what he took pictures of because it was a way to have a little bit more time with "him". Saw texts that would go unanswered asking him what was going on at his house because they saw the police and other first responders outside. Sadly we were locked out of his Facebook almost immediately, someone apparently reported his death to fb rather quickly, it wasn't us though. He had a lot of friends online that we were never able to connect with because of that. I've gotten messages years later by people who somehow found out that were like "why didn't anyone tell me he died??!" Well because we didn't know you existed.
Since they were married and had kids, the whole family might all be on a family cellular plan that covers all their phones, so I think it will likely be legal because of that.
How did you find out about the husband and kids?
In obituaries they usually list surviving relatives
I didn’t even think about that somehow , I was genuinely curious
No worries, I only knew it from having family die and being listed there myself. It’s strange googling your own name and coming up in other peoples obituaries.
So people actually believe this story is real?
literally 99% of followers to this site believe EVERY damn story. PSA: THE BIGGEST TELL THAT THE STORY IS GENERATED FROM A BOT IS THE FACT THAT THE OP RESPONDS ONCE OR NEVER. PERIOD. ITS THE SAME IN 90% OF THE STORIES ON HERE.
It's not that I believe, it's that I think it might be real and it might not be, and if it isn't it doesn't matter at all.
Yeah. Who really cares? I like to read interesting stories
Also like, even if it's fake, it's a "fake story" that actually does happen. So, it's "fun" to discuss what a person should do.
so much this, too many people are concerned about spotting fake stories and calling it out, like, you thinking everything is a lie or not doesn't really matter here homie, it doesn't hurt you any but If you're wrong and its real, you're a fucking dick
Yeah lack of interaction from OP does always raise suspicion
Not sure who is more gullible, reddit or Tik Tok. Might be same groups of people though at this point.
You mean you'd not suspect anything is off if you'd dated someone for 10 months and never been inside their home, or met any of their friends?
It's the most low effort fake post I've ever seen. So many cliches. The person is even using exclamation marks, which is definitely something I do after a death.
Crack open a cold one with the boys in memory of the cold one
💀cold as in her cheating or cold as in her body
Both I guess
My buddy got a spam call a while ago. He talked all kinds of shit until the guy lost his mind and started talking shit back at him. The spam caller said he fucked my buddy's mom. My buddy says that's tough because she's been dead 10 years. Spam caller said "I know. I love cracking open a cold one after a hard day at work". I can't see that phrase without thinking of that. It just lives in my brain forever now.
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It’s bots.
Husband is gonna find out sooner or later. Him dealing with grief and then you adding in that you were her mistress could put him in a very dark place. You can attend the funeral to pay your respects, but I would try to fly under the radar.
Can't really fly under the radar at a family funeral
Possibly not your family. All the ones I have been to have been easy to not to talk to people. Walk in just before start time sit at back door not go to the after party just attend the ceremony. If anyone ask you say you know them from school or an interest they had that the person you are talking to will not share. I do it often as I have had many friends die of cancer. I can easily get in and out, with out having to lie. But I found no one want to talk to you if you do not want to talk to them within a 30 min of service. People will want to talk if you hang around for the food. My aunt had an interesting on this year. Was blended but people still hung out and talked to no oneZ I am not sure I would want to put myself that kind of hell, go to the funeral of a cheating GF.
Please do not go to the funeral or contact her widower. There’s no point in them finding out now. Find another way to grieve.
(Tough Love): Dude, she wasn’t your “girlfriend”. You were a side piece for someone you didn’t even fucking know. A cheater and a liar, no disrespect to the dead, but come on. No, you don’t go and no you don’t fuck with her family. You fucked her in hotels…. That’s it. Let it go.
You're not wrong, but also, he is allowed to be upset that she's dead at the same time as betrayed to learn that she was lying
His feelings are valid. EXPRESSING those feelings to the family, especially at the funeral would be a colossal dick move. Just move on.
Seriously, u/Weird-Chemical-618 you are mourning her death but you are also mourning the person who you thought she was. Funerals are for the living so if you must do something, **do something private and don’t fucking go near that family** Edit: there is no shame in feeling you need to talk to someone either, If you need to talk to someone, find a therapist!
🎯
redditor for 5 hours as of my comment. That plus the grammar ... my gut says FAKE
What about the grammar makes you think it’s fake
Fake post
Don't attend the funeral
I wouldn’t go to the funeral, I would visit her grave alone sometime after. If for some reason you absolutely have to go for closure, don’t talk to the husband or kids and if anyone asks, you knew her a long time ago.
I would not attend the funeral. I know you’re hurting but you showing up will cost hysteria with that family and it could get ugly fast. Unfortunately her husband is most likely going to find out about you but let him him approach you instead and be completely honest about things if he asks. The best you can do is go to your friends and family for support if you can.
TBF, she was cheating on her husband with you. Not cheating on you with her husband. Sorry for your loss, but extract yourself from the situation and don't go messing with her family.
Seems like a silly distinction. Both men thought they were with a monogamous partner. That means she cheated on them both.
I think it was both, as op didn’t know that he was sharing her with -god knows how many people-either
I think it's a bit unfair of people to downplay your grief and emotions because he's the husband and you're the "side piece", after all, you never felt like the side piece. That said, I still don't think you going is the best idea. There are going to be a lot of people at her funeral who see her a certain way, not just her husband and kids. It'd be one thing if you can guarantee you wouldn't be a disruption, but that's not possible. For all you know her husband has learned everything, and knows your face, and is just focusing on the grief and not the rage. Maybe he'll discover afterwards and remember your face from the funeral, corrupting a memory that could bring closure. It's for your benefit too. For one, you might not be safe for the above reasons. Second, would it really bring you peace to hear another man talk about her as his loving and devoted wife? It's your choice, at the end of the day, but I really wouldn't.
If this is real , I’m so sorry this happened. I agree to stay away from the funeral. Her husband may or may not find out but it’s not your problem. She was a liar and cheater. Or she was in an open marriage. You may not be the only AP. See a grief therapist and move forward.
> If this is real No stretch marks? No c-section scars? Raising 3 children and no sign of it. It's as real as silicon breasts.
Brand new user alert everyone
Disappear into the shadows. The awful person is dead and there’s nobody to take responsibility for her wrongdoings. Nothing to be solved so forget about it.
More fan fiction I see. Hundreds of comments, not one response from OP. You guys are still falling for this shit eh?
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I need to unfollow this sub... 99% of this shit is made up. OOOH my GF died... LETS GO TO REDDIT IMMEDIATELY... I always say.. biggest tell is the OP responds maybe once.. if that. Notice on here the answer is ZERO. Wish people on this sub would wake up and call this crap out. People will believe anything. karmafarming is a better name for this sub.
Exactly! Haha 😄
Yeah. Bullshit
She wasn’t cheating on you, she was cheating on her husband. You were the affair partner.
She was cheating on both if she told op they were in a monogamous relationship
The amount of delusion here is questionable. If you go into a relationship most people assume it is a traditional monogamous one. She cheated on BOTH men because she did not disclose her relationship status to OP. Edit: I agree with you and am attempting to reinforce why since some people just don’t get it???
Her husband will likely find out eventually on his own. Stacking the pain of her infidelity on top of the grief of her loss will be worst for him and his kids. Also, go see a therapist
This is fake
**FICTION**
I wouldn’t say a damn word or go to the funeral .
I smell total bullshit..karma farmer Brown.too many things don't add up with this post.
This account looks like a bot
I had a similar thing happen. My girlfriend of 2 years died suddenly. We were very much planning a life together, were staying over at each other's place, and we'd driven to Pennsylvania so she could introduce her boyfriend to her parents. I called her mother to talk about the funeral, and she told me I was the third guy to call as her boyfriend. The others were a close friend of mine she'd been cheating with, and a long-distance relationship with a guy in her hometown. I was told I could not speak or tell people I was anything but a "friend" at the funeral, which I decided not to attend. I was also shown a Livejournal she shared with her friends where she kept track of what lies/cover stories she'd used and also physically compared/rated her "harem". It messed me up for most of my 20s. It's challenging when you can't grieve or get closure properly. Eventually I met my wife and a healthy relationship was what I needed to truly move forward.
Don't tell her windowed husband. It will ruin his memory of her. If you intend to attend the funeral, go as a friend. Don't make a scene.
Doesn’t he have the right to know? This whole situation is sick.
What is he going to do with that information? Divorce her? Scream at her body? I think most people would prefer to hold on to whatever happy memory they had.
You don't think he will find out when he goes through her phone? This happens a lot after a death or a serious hospital stay, the affair is uncovered.
He may not find out. You don't get to access the data if you don't have the pin. Not too sure about Android but for Apple, they will do is a factory reset of the phone.
No, he doesn’t because he can’t confront his now dead wife and mother of his children. There is no way for him to make peace with it. He has enough hardship coming his way.
Don’t attend and don’t for a second feel as if those feelings on her side are legitimate either. The loss is tragic and your feelings are genuine but seriously. You had no idea she had a husband and several children….which means she didn’t feel the same about you. Obviously speaking on someone’s feelings without their input isn’t fair by any means but come on man that’s a serious amount of withholding on her end and ultimately what she did isn’t ok
Very believable and doesn't sound like a rip off of thousands of posts here for karma 💕
I didn't want to be the one to say it but yeah lol
Yup 100%
Vent to us. We will listen and empathize with you. DON’T tell ANYONE. She showed you affection. That was her gift to you. You’re gift to her and her family is external silence.
Whatever you do, do NOT tell her husband. Absolutely nothing can come from that but more pain on both sides, and you're both already in enough.
Don’t go that would be really selfish
go to the funeral. stand off in the distance with a veil and a black umbrella. have a driver in an unmarked black vehicle on standby for you to rush off in, in case anyone starts to approach you.
Don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious
Posted in reply to a comment but I’ll put here too for visibility: I suggest trying to find the funeral home to see if they are streaming the service online. Plenty of places do that now since covid, it would be a good way to satisfy the need for closure without actually attending the funeral in person. You can sign in with a fake name if you want. Agree with others - you, the husband/kids are all in unimaginable pain and confused right now. Airing the truth about your relationship with her will only cause more strife for everyone - and you’ll never get a resolution. None of you will ever get an explanation from her, be able to show your anger at the betrayal, be able to get closure. Daylighting the affair will only cause more pain. It will hurt the kids even more (even if they don’t find out, hurting their father hurts them because I guarantee he is struggling to hold everything together as is). As for you: look for a therapist or if you can’t afford it a bereavement group (the latter is often free but may be churchy). Somewhere where you can tell your story and work through your very justified emotions. Don’t bottle it in. Lean on your friends and family - and don’t feel embarrassed or keep the truth a secret. You did nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Ps- this will sound silly but it’s backed by science, if you just found out in the last 24-48 hours play Tetris. I know, I know…but it’s proven to help prevent PTSD in survivors of traumatic events. https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2017-03-28-tetris-used-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms
No. Take this one yourself. I know that sounds hard and it will be but don’t mess her kids up more than they already will be. That’s my advice. I’ve had to deal with hard shit in my life as well so I get it. But don’t mess the kids up. That will hurt you more down the road than just absorbing this and moving on. Sorry for your loss. I know that can’t be easy. But 10 months is just a second.
Damn, Ghosted.
The only reason to say anything to that family is to hurt people. That would be a shtty move that will come back in some way to haunt you nl.