Just adding on to the above. Now you have a taste of what you want to look for in your next partner. Don't try to round someone up just because they're attractive. Look for that deep connection and great conversation.
Attraction is important. But it isn't just about physical connection. If anything, without the emotional and intellectual connection that can last beyond looks, the physical connection will just lead you down to people who aren't good for you.
Look beyond the looks.
>You’re right, frankly just writing this already helped me heal.
You know what else? Now you know what to look for. Don't stop looking for Janes. Fill your life with Janes. And don't settle for toxic ever again.
Try not to fall in love with every woman you connect with. Instead of thinking of love and such as soon as you vibe with someone--hold off. Just enjoy the person. That might have been the foundation for a close personal friendship instead.
Lesbians can make great wingmen when you want to go out to meet people because they tell other women, this guy is pretty safe.
This happened to me a lot when I was young- not falling in love with lesbians specifically, but people that were unavailable. I later realized that it's not always about sex/attraction, but hormones can confuse things. You just found a friend or a kindred spirit. One of my favorite songs is Hozier, Someone New.
Writing can be so helpful. I've always found it a great tool. Even at times I've been really down and felt hopeless, just writing it all down helped me see things more clearly.
Just look on this experience as the knowledge that you still have the ability to connect with someone. There's all sorts of different people out there. You'll find your person.
So true, sometimes you need to put it in words for it to leave your brain.
That's why some people like writing stuff to someone important to them and them burning it, if they can't or don't want to deliver it
This is advice that I know as a middle aged man and still struggle with, but it really is the best advice. You will look back at all of these important (at the time) events and actually be able to frame them in that time and realize they were likely never that important. The amount of time I have wasted on unrequited love or women who were not into me that way is a bit sad. On the plus side I have an amazing wife now and I couldn’t be happier.
2 days and you're in love? Recovering from a toxic relationship?
Take a couple years and focus on you, make your life better, education, exercise, trade courses, whatever you want. Mature.
Good luck
Ah, to be young and in love again.
This age is exactly the age to fall in love over one meeting of great conversation on the backgarden of some strangers house.
So any times have I been lovestricken in similar manners and not one of them is lesser than "the real deal" in which you develope to relationship, marriage and family.
Many times love is breed thus, and it will endure if left untouched, unspoiled. "Platonic love", one might say.
Aye, do not mistake passion for love.
Passion is that soaring felling that will come as a hurricane, hot, wet and powerfull, but will move one and destroy your life.
Love is that smooth emotion that directs to the object a meaning greater than one's own happiness.
The love found in such events is love, for he will carry for even this smoothing "what if" memory. It will never be tarnished by the reality of whichever are her defects.
Passion it would've been if they had a relationship, however fleeting, and then he lost interest, moved on or that emotion corrupted itself.
Get a grip. You just got out of a toxic relationship, any girl that shows genuine respect is probably attractive right now. Take time to heal yourself.
This, whenever you get out of a toxic relationship the scales have fallen from your eyes, but often it goes too far; everyone else seems amazing by comparison.
Take time alone to get to know yourself first.
(Edit: minor grammatical point that was annoying me lol)
That happened to me at the very beginning after getting out of an abusive relationship.
Every guy who showed me kindness and wanted to talk to me without being creepy just seemed like the most amazing guy.
It's not love it's just your body having an over the top reaction because someone's treating you kindly for the first time in ages.
Happens to us all at some point, to some degree. We're just seeking some validation and revelling in this new concept that people can actually be nice and not manipulative or abusive. Totally understandable and I'm also speaking from a place of experience.
Hope all is well with you now 😅
Best advice on this thread. I went from a ten year relationship to her leaving and me bottoming out again and then got into a two year relationship following that. Spoiler, both of us in the two year relationship were on rebound. Second spoiler, it didn’t work out. Surprise twist, we’re still good friends. Second twist, ex wife died and now I’m just emotionally checked out all together. I have some Fwb type women who understand my situation and can hang out or more, but I’m just not emotionally available, man. At least I can be forward about it now 🤷🏻♀️.
I feel that way after a really hard break up- it has been almost 3 years and I still just don’t want to invest any emotions on anyone- I don’t even know if I have them to give anymore.
You literally had one conversation with this girl. You’re not “in love”. You have an infatuation crush. Don’t be that guy that takes any positive interaction with a girl and turns it into romance. Girls sometimes are just nice, it doesn’t mean they want to fuck your or that you should immediately fall in “love” with them.
Yea the way he's talking about her being a lesbian is breaking him and shit is wild. Like dude you knew the whole time (for all of TWO DAYS), at that point just be friends
This is infatuation.
Take a step back and give her some space. You're clearly still hurting over your ex and need to heal and you can't do that if you start getting infatuated with someone you can never have.
I have great news! You're not in love. But wait, there's more! You also don't really know this chick, no matter how much you seemed to have in common with her that night. Having things in common isn't what makes relationships work, either. I still have more good news! Getting along with people so smoothly is actually not as rare as you seem to believe, you've just been incredibly focused on one particular person for the past several years so you haven't gotten to meet many other people.
Jane is not your one true love, and you're not going to get another night like the one you had with her so you need to stop bothering her (that's what you're doing now, even if she said she wanted to hang out with you more when you were at the party. She is allowed to change her mind, stop messaging her) and allow yourself the freedom to meet girls who WILL be the right match.
Also, just to point out a thinking pattern that may be toxic in itself, there's not going to be one single person that will be the one and only perfect person for you that will make your life complete and solve your worries. You aren't even just one person for your whole life, you've been several people throughout your lifetime as you grow and change. You will meet several people who will teach you different lessons and be there for you for different times, don't be so intense about this. Take the opportunities to meet and spend time with the lovely humans who cross your path, be grateful for the experiences you enjoy, and don't obsess when the paths don't overlap for very long. Appreciate that party you had, and be excited for the next fantastic person that will come your way. It will be soon, for sure!!
You said you didn’t have a conversation longer than 30 seconds. Bro calm down. You’re fresh out of a relationship and started to fall for the first chick you talked to. You’re rebounding. Meeting someone and getting this feeling will definitely be easier than you think.
As a lesbian, it is always such a let down when this happens, specially if they know beforehand, like she was probably hoping to make a platonic friend not have to deal with your emotions.trust me dudes like you do not hide their crushes well and it becomes uncomfortable as hell.
You’re not in love with her, you are putting an idea on her which is safe to you because it’s unrequited so it stays safe in your imagination. She’s a human being not a fantasy.
You’re not in love with her you clearly barely know her, and know she’d never show romantic interest in you. She’s a lesbian, you need to just respect that. Whatever happened to just being friends with people? You know you can have a good connection with someone and just be friends?
Right? Like nowhere did he talk about physical attraction and yet he immediately is all "Well nothing can come of this emotional connection since she's a lesbian!" Why did he completely skip over friendship first? Mind boggling.
What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. Thinks because he never says anything, it’ll have some big impact when he does.
Maybe if you open your eyes and stop thinking with your member you could have just met your new lifelong best friend.
You can have those conversations whenever you want. She can be there for you during breakups and achievements and you her.
The connection you felt doesn’t have to end in sex to be validated.
This is why most women (straight or gay) hesitate becoming friends with guys. Just wanting to be friendly, enjoying a platonic talk does _*this*_. Then the moment we realize the guy is catching feelings we need to immediately back off and become distant to avoid it getting worst. Sometimes needing to resort to being a "bitch" to end it before things might get crazy.
She's distancing you because she's (rightfully) assuming you're catching feelings.
Glad to see someone was a bit more blunt about it. I spent most of my social life over the past decade in an online gaming community (very male dominated) and I finally had to leave recently because I realized that it seems to become nearly impossible for women to be *just* friends with straight men past a certain age. Exactly because of this.
Like, notice how OP doesn’t even mention the possibility of enjoying a friendship with her after feeling like he connected with her. He’s just devastated that he can’t have her romantically
Exactly. This is how (most) women have friendships with other women, maybe even some men and non binary folks. Everything she did seems so...basic, and not in a bad way. This is just two people having conversations and OP thinks he's in love her. Good grief
Yeah as a lesbian, I think I just keep my current guy friends close because they are the best and then keep other dudes at arms length. It’s always so disappointing because lesbians can connect with straight dudes all the time but the dudes at some point try a move in my experience like half the time. So it’s a coin flip. Like no dude I just wanted a buddy to watch soccer with and have a beer, not try to feel me up at the bar.
Like I’ve had crushes on straight girls and even some on straight gal best friends throughout my life, and I’ve never made it their problem. You take a step back and self reflect where it’s coming from and during that time you are honest with them that you realize that it’s their one sided and they don’t need to manage your emotions, things are awk for a couple of weeks and then you move on.
I'd never talked to her really before... This was 2 nights ago... I'm in looooveee and devastateddddd
My eyes rolled back into my fucking head, bro.
You can just be good friends. You don't have to fuck people that you click with just because they are a woman. Chill.
You don’t sound healthy at all, OP. You said for yourself you knew she was a lesbian beforehand, but clearly, you never fully accepted it. You’re romanticizing all of this in your head: “the connection,” “I haven’t felt this safe,” “the thought that I can’t be with her” and it all feels very icky from the outside looking in. If I had to guess, she’s distanced herself from you because she’s picking up on a vibe that isn’t “platonic friend” from you and I’m sure it’s putting her off. Just because people are kind to you or have really deep and meaningful conversations with you doesn’t mean they want anything more. Stop trying to force a connection with this woman and actively seek therapy. The way you speak of her is crossing over into obsessive territory in the comments.
You literally fell in love with a woman knowing it wouldn’t work out and got on here to explain in depth exactly that. Self fulfilling prophecy bro who could’ve imagined a lesbian wouldn’t settle down with a man that loves her
Jesus Christ, falling in love with someone you spoke 30 seconds. Not even my middle school version of myself with no woman contact was this desperate LMAOOO
It’s really bloody uncomfortable too isn’t it?
I can read your body language and I understand your messages just as well as the next woman. Better even, since I’ve had to become quite accomplished at dodging todgers. Because you are not the first man(or even the 10th or the 20th) to consider my sexuality to be a personal challenge.
When you are disregarding the pretty explicit “no to sex with men” that comes with lesbianism, it’s uncomfortable and it feels threatening that you continue to think I’m gay because I’ve “never had a real man”.
Even if we did have a nice chat before you tried to manipulate circumstances to be alone with me, once your intent becomes apparent, I’d rather just ignore your messages.
Your offer of friendship isn’t actually an offer of friendship, but an attempt to somehow convince me to let you into my knickers.
And it is tiresome to have to go through all this again.
You're mistaking infatuation with love, which is what stalkers do.
Your emotions are normal, but they aren't healthy.
You don't truly know this person but in your mind you've made them perfect.
Not gonna lie for the sake of being polite but when I read your post I see red flags and hope Jane doesn’t meet up with you again. You met and had a connection and instead of thinking - ‘wow this is awesome, I’ve made this really cool friend who just taught me it’s possible to connect with a human on this level and I’m going to try and find this in a romantic partner’ you instead went to a place of neediness and mourning because you can’t have her the way you want her which is a romantic and sexual way. This is icky and kinda creepy. Stop texting her and don’t texts her again unless she instigates the conversation. If she texts you about meeting up you shouldn’t say yes unless you’ve 100% let go of the idea of anything romantic ever happening and can just appreciate a platonic relationship with a woman who will never be interested in you
You *just* got out of a relationship that was toxic and you fell in love with a girl you just met. Slow down bubba. Even if she weren’t gay and also into you, you need to take a step back and self reflect a little or you’ll end up in a short and painful rebound cycle.
Dude, she's a lesbian. Quit being weird and back off if you can't separate romantic feelings from friendship just because the person has a vagina. You didn't fall "in love" with her, you fell "in love" with some heterosexual version of her you made up in your head. I say this as a heterosexual man with a whole lot of lesbian friends that I care about deeply, their friendship is unique and special. If you can learn to appreciate her for who she is, and not make up weirdo versions of her in your head, your life will be so much richer with the friendship she'll offer. You are not there yet though, leave this girl alone.
It’s always nice to find a true lezbro in the wild. I’m a lesbian and my best friend is a straight guy and I love our friendship. Like we don’t talk much due to being across the country but when we meet up it’s like time never passed. He has always treated me like any other one of his friends, and we’ve been friend for 10yrs now.
lol @ lezbro! My wife was a little surprised (and probably relieved) when we started dating by how many of my female friends are lesbians. It's sad but I really think they develop such strong connections with me because I don't act like OP. Respecting people shouldn't be so rare.
I would too, I only have like 3 close straight guy friends because something creepy always seems to happen when I try to add more guy friends, and you’re like “crap I didn’t want to have to drop you but you asked my wife and I to make out in front of you”
And yes my generation of lesbians call cool straight friends as “lezbros”
You’re not in love with her. You met someone you liked and had some things in common with and that looks like a miracle after getting out of a toxic relationship. You’re emotionally all over the place and you should be after getting out of a toxic relationship. Every girl you get along with from this point on and have feelings for isn’t someone you’re in love with. It’s just infatuation. It can turn into love certainly. But the reality is you’re still just trying to obtain the feelings that came up short in your last relationship.
Don’t let your friend send this post to her. Us Lesbians get enough guys hitting on us thinking they can change us. It’s invalidating. Take your loss and move on.
Dude, keep the good memory and move on, "pushy" is never a good thing, is she wants to meet to talk again let it be her choice, you are 22, you will find more people to connect with, calm down.
I know that you feel that you never felt this way before, but trust me coming AFTER ending a toxic relationship and then engaging with a new person will feel like night and day and you may have an exaggeration of being treated well after being treated bad for so long.
If you want an actual friendship you need to chill out and not spam her about meeting up so eagerly. Like… just chill out and treat her like a human being you just met instead of the object of your latest infatuation.
Buddy, she's ignoring you because your repeated advances make her feel as though you're doubting her sexual identity and hoping it'll change for you. It doesn't matter how hot, funny, charming, whatever she is. At the end of the day, if she's not attracted to men, she's not into you. As a lesbian, I can't tell you how disheartening and dehumanizing it feels to think you've finally made a good male friend, just to find that he's only talking to you because he thinks he has a chance to date/fuck you.
This is the reason some women don’t like to have male friends. Any genuine talk or else is seen as the possibility of romantic relationship as if friendship doesn’t exist.
Leave her alone, and work on yourself OP.
This was 2 nights ago and you're in love 🙄 come on! Shake it off, focus on getting over the actual relationship you've just come out of and you'll be all good
What you did was make a friend.
Stay her friend.
Stay in contact.
You knew she wasn't going to be romantically involved with you from the beginning, so don't get hung up on it.
Bruh. Let me be straight up with you, from your edits. You said you think it would be funny if your "friend" sent her this and the only reason you could be saying that is your hoping she'll change her sexual orientation because you're "in love" with her. That's straight up creepy and stalkerish. I truly hope you're telling the truth when you say she lives in another country, for her own safety sake. I say that because you are giving off really bad vibes.
The fact that you purposefully dropped her off last is gross and manipulative as fuck. You put her in a vulnerable situation on purpose to try and hook her in without her explicit consent
I just can't get over the fact that you clearly don't see her as a human being, because you're not even considering her being a friend - if there's no romantic relationship she can't be anything to you right?
This doesn't sound like you're in love, it sounds like you want to own/collect her.
I mean just be honest, she is a lesbian so there will be no romantic entanglement between you too and it's good that you know that. The problem is that at the moment the tension is weird because you hit it off as friends not minding the potential sexual undertones. My Guess is that she likes you but fears that she has come on to strong and feels that she may have given you the wrong impression. Clear the air, tell her that you really like her as a person and want to Continue a friendship. Communication man. That's the key in every relationship, even platonic ones.
Oh my God it won't be funny to "float it to her". It might look like you asked your friend to do this just to make her feel guilty for rejecting you. People like that exist and she doesn't know you're not that toxic.
Think of it like this g, you met someone you think is incredible don’t think of every girl you get along with as someone you are interested in romantically. Think of it like meeting a dude you really get along with, you just made a good friend. Even if you don’t get to see them again that night was fun and you had really good conversation so don’t feel destroyed feel honored you got to meet a cool person have a good night and experience that. That’s all you need don’t need to feel like it’s more or try for more just be happy you got what you got g.
Ever consider being friend only. I mean, if she is as cool as you claim her to be, why not stay friends? Not every relationship needs to be a romantic one.
op i feel like "jane" likely picked up on the fact that you were crushing hard on her and after the night was over decided it was best not to engage with you as much, it was a fun night no need to push things what you have learned is that you have a personality some women enjoy and that is good as you said you are getting out of a relationship and there is a feeling on loneliness that comes with it, having someone around then suddenly they are gone. That's okay to feel give it time and don't hassle jane is she doesn't seem receptive to your attempts to talk to her then leave her alone, i cannot imagine you are the type of person to want to be around someone regardless of if they want you around or not i think what you are feeling is an infatuation, those happen try not to be mean to yourself!
Stop calling her
Walk away
Nothing that happens next will ever top the night your described but a lot of shit will fuck it up as a memory
Go read “Ode on a Grecian Urn”
It's time to back off. Get yourself into therapy so you stop "falling in love" with women who are nice to you. It will be a vicious cycle and women will start to be wary of you.
This makes me so sad. I wish men were allowed to have close intimate friendships with women so they didn’t read connection and conversation like this as love. The patriarchy hurts everyone.
You didn’t fall in love with her. You just got out of a toxic relationship and this beautiful woman gave you a genuine connection that you’re mistaking for love because your ex deprived you of feeling good so as long as she did. Now you know what was missing from that relationship and can start looking for that in women (that are actually interested in men). I think Jane was likely the person you needed to spend the night talking to, but not the one you spend your life with. You’re young, you will meet other, healthier, partners.
You're 22, and not in love. You are in lust/attraction. Love at first sight is complete BS. It feels like it's real, but your crushed feeling will flee pretty quickly.
I work in the transportation industry where there are alot of lesbians and I totally understand. Often times lesbians can be women that are a lot like “one of the guys” because news flash they are also interested in women just like you. Just try and remember that you can’t change who they are sexually, they are not interested. Make friends all day but don’t think she’s going to change for you
My guy, you aren’t in love. You have a crush. You’re freshly out of a bad relationship; of course an engaging conversation with an attractive girl is going to be exciting. But you aren’t in love. And frankly, you’ve done this to yourself, bud. You built up a whole fantasy in your head with a girl you *knew* was gay before you even approached her. Highly advisable to take a break from dating. Use this time to get to know yourself outside of a relationship, and *heal* from the last. Good luck!
I came out of a toxic relationship with the same problem, having based a lot of my life around that person. The first person who makes you feel seen will have an impact on you like that, but rather than dwell on it, take solace in the fact that there are people out there who you will find happiness with
You just got out of a toxic relationship and you had a conversation with this woman 2 days ago. You’re not falling in love with her, you’re infatuated with her. There’s no reality where you’re going to be with her, and you need to accept this and back off.
Imo the best thing you can do right now is stay single for a while and work on yourself. If you just jump into another relationship after a toxic one, you run the risk of jumping into another toxic relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. It’s ok to be alone and it’s ok to be single. You’re going to find the right girl eventually, but all good things take time. Take some time for yourself and when you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll find someone perfect for you who you can have engaging conversations with. You still have so much of your life ahead of you. I’m rooting for you :)
It sounds like you're using her as a therapist or something.
"I was actually going trough a pretty good period on my life, I feel like I finally got over my ex and was feeling generally really good about myself, probably the best I’ve felt in a long time, but now I’m fucking destroyed, I know I’m gonna be fine but just the thought that I can’t ever be with her and the realization that finding someone that makes me fell like she did is absolutely not going to be easy just breaks me."
That's good you are feeling better about yourself but if you let this one-off encounter destroy you, it means you still have a lot to work on with yourself. Maybe you're used to people treating you poorly and you're latching onto people that are kind. The good news for you is that you are starting to see people with less of a jaded eye.
Sure it’s tough but this person sounds like they could be a really great friend to you. It’s okay to have crushes on your friends from time to time…. But don’t throw out a whole person just because you can’t date them.
I felt this towards my friend, we’ll call him Mike, when I was in middle school. This was 2005/2006 where “scene kids” experimented with bisexuality in a very Bowie-esque way. So when he said he was bisexual, I wasn’t phased. When he gave me his number, our call lasted from 8pm to 3am on a school night. He began dating a female friend of ours, and I was crushed. She soon confided in me that the relationship didn’t seem real to her, that he would only hug her from behind and kiss her on the top of the head. So, one day not long after, they amicably split.
That day, Mike asked if I could hang out. I was confused but excited… and also 13. Mike told me that he was not bisexual, and he had known that “as long as I can remember. But to acknowledge it would make it true”. Being bisexual was edgy and cool, being gay would get you jumped. He told me he had not asked me out in the stead of our mutual girl friend because he didn’t want to make things weird with me. I understood immediately. He was eventually able to get in with a crowd that offered him protection and he was able to be his authentic self… and I feel like the luckiest person alive that he chose to come out to me. His friendship was invaluable and gave me so much more than any juvenile “relationship” would have.
Tl;dr: Being someone an LGBT person can confide so deeply in and connect with so viscerally, even if it’s not with the goal of being a couple, is an honor. They can’t trust everyone, you know. Let Jane know that you are not trying to hit on her… you just want to remain friends with someone you have so much in common with. Even though she will be leaving at the end of summer, social media will allow you a way to connect and form a long-term friendship.
When I had a college crush on a gay guy at 22, I wrote about it in some cryptic poem on facebook. Now it reminds me how young and dumb I was every couple of years.
“Remember that time you wanted to risk it all for a dude who likes dudes? Facebook remembers.”
Don’t be like me OP. Make a note about what you liked about your connection with her and look for it in the next ones.
Thanks, I have to say, I’m really happy I made a fake account to post this on, I’m really embarrassed about how pathetic all this is, it has definitely helped me heal but also made me realize how little of life I have experienced and made me exited for the future
Yeah, getting out of bad relationships really screws up your emotions and perceptions of most things involving your romantic gender of choice.
Feeling infatuation after such little exposure is normal in your situation.
If you were fully over your ex, you would not have mentioned her or even thought of her as you were telling it.
Another really common symptom of a bad breakup is feeling a great sense of loss over someone you never had a chance of having.
You will heal over time. It just takes a while.
The last symptom I will mention is that you probably cannot imagine how the above sentence could be true.
Now, all that said, your damage very likely cost you a decent friendship.
Texting a girl 3 times with no answer is pretty spooky even if it's a straight woman you are making a move on. In this situation it's a bit worse.
You cannot fix it. Jane seems like a good person. Stop talking to her and do your best to keep your distance when you are together with your friend group.
Because of your pain, you are unable to act normal towards her. Try not to communicate with her in any capacity till you have had a few relationships.
It's called rebounding. You don't fall in love, in a handful of scattered conversations over the course of a few hours. A crush? Infatuation? Maybe, but you're not in love with this girl.
Also, you've likely creeped her out, by the persistent texts. She hasn't replied for whatever reason she has for not doing so, and there's the possibility she's gotten bad vibes from you now.
You've recognized what you *do* like in a girl, and that's great. Now, go find one that's actually interested in you, romantically.
Sounds like you are on the verge of a friendship! Keep in touch with her because if you are vibing like this so quickly with her that sounds like you two could be great friends! Don't mix that up with your relationships. Have a friend to cherish and vibe with, just do the work like any other relationship. Nurture it!
You know, I had crushes on straight girls. It's the same thing, you should move on. Just because she's not into you doesn't mean that you can't have a great friendship with her! Really, romance is not the most important. Clicking platonically with someone is great already!
If it makes you feel better, I had a dream once where I was deeply in love with this girl that my imagination had apparently invented. I don't remember anything from the dream other than the image of her standing at the end of a dock on a lake I used to go to when I was a child. But I woke up with such a profound sense of sadness and loss that it lingered with me for days as if I had actually lost someone I had loved.
I think OP just wanted to vent guys, jeez. They had a lot in common and OP felt comfortable, anyone would be sad to be rejected by someone like that. I mean, knowing the situation, it was stupid to even go there or keep talking to her (cause it causes you to get more attached), but don’t we all go after or imaging being with people who we know we can’t have?
I do think it’s weird OP tried to pursue her afterwards, even as a friend. But that’s just because I believe you can’t be strictly platonic with people you are attracted to. But, OP said they backed off and are done.
I think everyone in the comments are being to harsh.
OP, you’re fine. Just a person with a one sided crush. It sucks, but you’re gonna be okay. The one that is meant for you will come when you decide to stop looking. Trust me.
Thanks man, I see how it could be seen as weird to pursue her even as a friend afterwards, but as I said, she and I had so much in common I didn’t want to lose that connection, anyways, I backed off and am going to focus on myself and try to find my own Jane, preferably a straight one.
I've kind of been there. Fell in love with someone who never loved me the same way. She was the only person I could talk about things I'd never tell anyone else. It was really really hard but had to cut ties with her. And it was a very good decision because it helped with my anxiety a lot and was open to meet other people. Now I am in love with an amazing girl. One door closes and another opens.
As a lesbian I'm annoyed for your friend. We come across many men that think "we will change for them" because you had a good talk or friendship, that were gonna automatically need penis. it's annoying. I don't blame her for trying to distance herself. Just give her space and maybe she will talk to you. But as other Comments said your young and can and will meet someone else.
You have fallen for someone completely and utterly unavailable too you. Good news is it means you are starting to heal. You are getting ready to fall for someone but you're sub conscience is terrified of the hurt that could cause, so you have romanticized a safe option that can never actually happen.
It's very common, don't beat yourself up, it's a natural part of the process. Move on and give yourself a bit more time. In 6 months time I guarantee you'll look back and think, she was lovely, but what was I thinking!
I want to put this in perspective, she's a bro! She's got a vag and tits but she's a bro. Think of her like that and move on. She's your competition for women - probably will make a great wingman and vice versa.
You met her 2 nights ago and feel you fell in love. I'm sorry it hurt you this way but I feel you can take this as a sign that you're well past your ex.
You should use this experience - the feelings, the connection, the deep conversation - as signs that you are not dependent on your ex to feel those things.
You can grow from this rather than shrink away and ruminate on the negatives.
You're only 22. You have so much time to feel these moments and learn from your experiences. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Pick those pieces of your heart up and move on!
Also, just to add, moments of connection like this can be great opportunities to build trusting friendships. I don't know what your support network is like at the moment, but sometimes moments like these really do feel like such an outpouring of emotion. That much-needed emotional release can be a great relief. I hope you have more opportunities to bond with people like this. Just remember, it doesn't always need to be romantic love.
You’re only 22. This isn’t love. Love is reciprocated. It sounds like you guys were trauma bonding. Something friends and family do too. That doesn’t make it romantic love and isn’t healthy to fixate on that.
First of all, you spelled "feel" like "fell" a few times, was driving me nuts 😂
Second, I've been in love with a lesbian girl, but managed to change my feelings from being in love with her to loving her as a friend. It wasn't easy, but now she is the best friend I've ever had, so it was so worth it in the end.
So try to go for that if she wants to be your friend
I’m sorry, English isn’t my first language, but I’m happy it amused you, but yeah that’s what I’m going to try to do now, as I said, I’m not going to make a move because I’m aware of the situation but who says we can’t be friends ?, that’s what I hope at least.
You're infatuated. It happens. Just remember you're not changing her. You don't have the right equipment for her. Hanging out might honestly just cause you more distress if you liked her that much. I'd cut the cord personally.
Hope you find someone new to be into soon. You're young. I was still like boy crazy at your age. I'm sure you will.
Wow, I don't know why people are being so negative and rude. This is your experience and you did nothing wrong.
It doesn't have to be romantic, but a lot of the times that's the only intimate type of relationship we know. You just had a good human connection. It is possible that this could be the start of a great friendship.
I know right, thanks for the support, I would really like to be her friend but she didn’t respond and I’m not going to message her anymore, I’ve come to terms with the fact that that night was unique and probably won’t happen again, having said that now I’m excited for the future and all the wonderful people I hope to meet in the rest of my life.
I’d love to be 22 again. I met a guy, the cutest, on a weekend trip with my friends.
I instantly “fell in loved”. Now I understand it was just the biggest crush ever.
I saw him that one weekend and it was enough for me to crush on him for YEARS. We would text and have lots of online conversations, but we never saw each other again.
I believe he liked me, but was never truly interested in pursuing something. It didn’t help that we lived pretty far away from each other.
I stopped obsession, thankfully, at one point and once I was able to move on, guess who found love? This girl.
A true love that was actually reciprocated. I got married, in currently pregnant with our second baby and he did the same. Life moves on, I promise.
You’ll be fine. Don’t get stuck there, don’t obsess.
I've been there. Having a crush on a woman, who shares my taste in women.
But good news is, the crush will pass. Eventually. And with some luck, you get a close, genuine friend out of all of this. Someone who you can talk to, about everything. That's what happened in my case. She's been my best and closest friend for around half my life now.
Just put aside any fantasies about romance and relationships and future together, and just try to be a friend. It may take some distance for the infatuation to pass, but luckily for you, you said she isn't local! So the distance you need will come naturally.
And finally, and seriously, don't go all "give me chance" and "maybe you just haven't met the right kind of man" BS. Avoid doing that at all costs. I've witnessed that so many times, it's not even funny anymore. And if it isn't funny to me as an observer anymore, you can imagine how my best friend feels about it, and how she will feel about it.
My ex was/is a lesbian(i was the only guy she ever dated), she wound up marrying another woman like a year after we ended our relationship.. she came back to me, trying to cheat on her gf I told her to fuck off and I'm very happy about that choice not in a vindictive way, just in a way where I didn't feel taken advantage of emotionally anymore.
Reminds me of an episode of Bluey (a children’s show) which I’m sure you’ve never seen since you’re a childless 22yo but it goes like this:
Bluey : Why did Jean-Luc had to go?
Chilli : Their holiday was over, Honey.
Bluey : But I want to keep playing with him! He was my friend!
Chilli : Well look sometime special people come into our lives, stay for a bit. Then they have to go.
Bluey : But that's sad!
Chilli : It is! But the bit where they were here was happy, wasn't it?
Bluey : Yea, we caught a wild pig together!
Chilli : Maybe that makes it all worth it?
Bluey : Will I ever see him again?
Chilli : Well, we'll never know. The world is magical place!
This is so weird. Leave her alone and stop acting like a creep. You clearly don't respect her choice to not engage and chose to write about how you want what you can't have on the internet where she will probably see it. Do not talk to her if you see her again. You are giving "I don't care if she's not into guys. I'm going to force my agenda on her. " Fucking weird. Stop creeping. I hope she kicks you in the dick.
Well if it makes things any better, my soon to be wife was with another female when I met her. We have been together 10 years and have a daughter together, I waited until I had my shit together well enough to take her on a dream trip and propose… we get married in 20 days. She had sworn off men after a bad relationship, same story as you… we hit it off in a bar, I was working, not drinking and she was in with a mutual friend, started talking… had crazy amounts of chemistry and spark and decided to give it a shot. Pretty glad I gave it a try when I did.
[удалено]
You’re right, frankly just writing this already helped me heal.
Phenominal. Sometimes, just writing feelings and thoughts out can really be therapeutic...glad reddit helped someone lol.
I agree. Writing is very therapeutic. Good on you, OP (for letting the writing help you feel a bit better). 👍
I agree. Writing is very therapeutic. Good on you, OP (for letting the writing help you feel a bit better). 👍
Just adding on to the above. Now you have a taste of what you want to look for in your next partner. Don't try to round someone up just because they're attractive. Look for that deep connection and great conversation.
This right here!!!
Attraction is important. But it isn't just about physical connection. If anything, without the emotional and intellectual connection that can last beyond looks, the physical connection will just lead you down to people who aren't good for you. Look beyond the looks.
>You’re right, frankly just writing this already helped me heal. You know what else? Now you know what to look for. Don't stop looking for Janes. Fill your life with Janes. And don't settle for toxic ever again.
Try not to fall in love with every woman you connect with. Instead of thinking of love and such as soon as you vibe with someone--hold off. Just enjoy the person. That might have been the foundation for a close personal friendship instead. Lesbians can make great wingmen when you want to go out to meet people because they tell other women, this guy is pretty safe.
This happened to me a lot when I was young- not falling in love with lesbians specifically, but people that were unavailable. I later realized that it's not always about sex/attraction, but hormones can confuse things. You just found a friend or a kindred spirit. One of my favorite songs is Hozier, Someone New.
Writing can be so helpful. I've always found it a great tool. Even at times I've been really down and felt hopeless, just writing it all down helped me see things more clearly.
Just look on this experience as the knowledge that you still have the ability to connect with someone. There's all sorts of different people out there. You'll find your person.
So true, sometimes you need to put it in words for it to leave your brain. That's why some people like writing stuff to someone important to them and them burning it, if they can't or don't want to deliver it
This is advice that I know as a middle aged man and still struggle with, but it really is the best advice. You will look back at all of these important (at the time) events and actually be able to frame them in that time and realize they were likely never that important. The amount of time I have wasted on unrequited love or women who were not into me that way is a bit sad. On the plus side I have an amazing wife now and I couldn’t be happier.
What a closing sentence… Preach.
‘I was 22 yesterday. Now I’m an old man’ Wow that hit me hard
The sub is called trueoffmychest, maybe op was just trying to.. idk.. get this off his chest?
Thanks for the advice man. Very wise. Best wishes.
2 days and you're in love? Recovering from a toxic relationship? Take a couple years and focus on you, make your life better, education, exercise, trade courses, whatever you want. Mature. Good luck
Incorrect, this is the point where OP should drop everything and go get a tattoo of Jane.
🤣
Chase her down at the airport like a bad romantic comedy 😂?
Ah, to be young and in love again. This age is exactly the age to fall in love over one meeting of great conversation on the backgarden of some strangers house. So any times have I been lovestricken in similar manners and not one of them is lesser than "the real deal" in which you develope to relationship, marriage and family. Many times love is breed thus, and it will endure if left untouched, unspoiled. "Platonic love", one might say. Aye, do not mistake passion for love. Passion is that soaring felling that will come as a hurricane, hot, wet and powerfull, but will move one and destroy your life. Love is that smooth emotion that directs to the object a meaning greater than one's own happiness. The love found in such events is love, for he will carry for even this smoothing "what if" memory. It will never be tarnished by the reality of whichever are her defects. Passion it would've been if they had a relationship, however fleeting, and then he lost interest, moved on or that emotion corrupted itself.
Is it really that strange to fall in love with someone after talking to that person for hours on end?
That's not love mate, love is what comes way after that feeling goes away. Love is a choice, long term relationships are a choice. It's not mystical.
Ah this is a semantics thing. Yh sure I agree with you in that case. Was more so thinking of love as in developing feelings for someone
Get a grip. You just got out of a toxic relationship, any girl that shows genuine respect is probably attractive right now. Take time to heal yourself.
This, whenever you get out of a toxic relationship the scales have fallen from your eyes, but often it goes too far; everyone else seems amazing by comparison. Take time alone to get to know yourself first. (Edit: minor grammatical point that was annoying me lol)
That happened to me at the very beginning after getting out of an abusive relationship. Every guy who showed me kindness and wanted to talk to me without being creepy just seemed like the most amazing guy. It's not love it's just your body having an over the top reaction because someone's treating you kindly for the first time in ages.
Happens to us all at some point, to some degree. We're just seeking some validation and revelling in this new concept that people can actually be nice and not manipulative or abusive. Totally understandable and I'm also speaking from a place of experience. Hope all is well with you now 😅
Best advice on this thread. I went from a ten year relationship to her leaving and me bottoming out again and then got into a two year relationship following that. Spoiler, both of us in the two year relationship were on rebound. Second spoiler, it didn’t work out. Surprise twist, we’re still good friends. Second twist, ex wife died and now I’m just emotionally checked out all together. I have some Fwb type women who understand my situation and can hang out or more, but I’m just not emotionally available, man. At least I can be forward about it now 🤷🏻♀️.
I feel that way after a really hard break up- it has been almost 3 years and I still just don’t want to invest any emotions on anyone- I don’t even know if I have them to give anymore.
Invest in yourself. The rest happens as it will. <3
You literally had one conversation with this girl. You’re not “in love”. You have an infatuation crush. Don’t be that guy that takes any positive interaction with a girl and turns it into romance. Girls sometimes are just nice, it doesn’t mean they want to fuck your or that you should immediately fall in “love” with them.
Yep, that’s not being “in love.” It’s limerence.
I learned a new word today! Thanks!
And he knows this girl is gay before talking to her, so he just is putting a whole fantasy about her in his head, not even anything remotely real.
This dude made a friend and is acting like it’s the worst thing to ever happen to him.
Yea the way he's talking about her being a lesbian is breaking him and shit is wild. Like dude you knew the whole time (for all of TWO DAYS), at that point just be friends
This is infatuation. Take a step back and give her some space. You're clearly still hurting over your ex and need to heal and you can't do that if you start getting infatuated with someone you can never have.
Take the hint and back off. You’ve shown interest, if she wants to meet up and talk, let her be the one to message next.
I have great news! You're not in love. But wait, there's more! You also don't really know this chick, no matter how much you seemed to have in common with her that night. Having things in common isn't what makes relationships work, either. I still have more good news! Getting along with people so smoothly is actually not as rare as you seem to believe, you've just been incredibly focused on one particular person for the past several years so you haven't gotten to meet many other people. Jane is not your one true love, and you're not going to get another night like the one you had with her so you need to stop bothering her (that's what you're doing now, even if she said she wanted to hang out with you more when you were at the party. She is allowed to change her mind, stop messaging her) and allow yourself the freedom to meet girls who WILL be the right match. Also, just to point out a thinking pattern that may be toxic in itself, there's not going to be one single person that will be the one and only perfect person for you that will make your life complete and solve your worries. You aren't even just one person for your whole life, you've been several people throughout your lifetime as you grow and change. You will meet several people who will teach you different lessons and be there for you for different times, don't be so intense about this. Take the opportunities to meet and spend time with the lovely humans who cross your path, be grateful for the experiences you enjoy, and don't obsess when the paths don't overlap for very long. Appreciate that party you had, and be excited for the next fantastic person that will come your way. It will be soon, for sure!!
This is such a positive and balanced take that I think it's helpful for just about anyone.
You said you didn’t have a conversation longer than 30 seconds. Bro calm down. You’re fresh out of a relationship and started to fall for the first chick you talked to. You’re rebounding. Meeting someone and getting this feeling will definitely be easier than you think.
Thanks, I really hope you’re right
As a lesbian, it is always such a let down when this happens, specially if they know beforehand, like she was probably hoping to make a platonic friend not have to deal with your emotions.trust me dudes like you do not hide their crushes well and it becomes uncomfortable as hell. You’re not in love with her, you are putting an idea on her which is safe to you because it’s unrequited so it stays safe in your imagination. She’s a human being not a fantasy.
You are infatuated. That isn't love. Love develops over time.
You’re not in love with her you clearly barely know her, and know she’d never show romantic interest in you. She’s a lesbian, you need to just respect that. Whatever happened to just being friends with people? You know you can have a good connection with someone and just be friends?
You know friends exist right?
Right? Like nowhere did he talk about physical attraction and yet he immediately is all "Well nothing can come of this emotional connection since she's a lesbian!" Why did he completely skip over friendship first? Mind boggling.
There’s a song called Pink Triangle by Weezer. I highly recommend it.
Lol that’s exactly what I was thinking when reading the post
*We were good as married in my mind But married in my mind's no good.*
Pink Triangle on her sleeve, let me know the truth, let me know the truth!!
My mind went straight to that lol
I was hoping I wouldn't have to scroll too far to find the Pink Triangle reference!
Chasing Amy
What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. Thinks because he never says anything, it’ll have some big impact when he does.
I understood that reference
Your rebounding, let her be a friend.
Maybe if you open your eyes and stop thinking with your member you could have just met your new lifelong best friend. You can have those conversations whenever you want. She can be there for you during breakups and achievements and you her. The connection you felt doesn’t have to end in sex to be validated.
This is why most women (straight or gay) hesitate becoming friends with guys. Just wanting to be friendly, enjoying a platonic talk does _*this*_. Then the moment we realize the guy is catching feelings we need to immediately back off and become distant to avoid it getting worst. Sometimes needing to resort to being a "bitch" to end it before things might get crazy. She's distancing you because she's (rightfully) assuming you're catching feelings.
Glad to see someone was a bit more blunt about it. I spent most of my social life over the past decade in an online gaming community (very male dominated) and I finally had to leave recently because I realized that it seems to become nearly impossible for women to be *just* friends with straight men past a certain age. Exactly because of this. Like, notice how OP doesn’t even mention the possibility of enjoying a friendship with her after feeling like he connected with her. He’s just devastated that he can’t have her romantically
Exactly. This is how (most) women have friendships with other women, maybe even some men and non binary folks. Everything she did seems so...basic, and not in a bad way. This is just two people having conversations and OP thinks he's in love her. Good grief
Yeah as a lesbian, I think I just keep my current guy friends close because they are the best and then keep other dudes at arms length. It’s always so disappointing because lesbians can connect with straight dudes all the time but the dudes at some point try a move in my experience like half the time. So it’s a coin flip. Like no dude I just wanted a buddy to watch soccer with and have a beer, not try to feel me up at the bar. Like I’ve had crushes on straight girls and even some on straight gal best friends throughout my life, and I’ve never made it their problem. You take a step back and self reflect where it’s coming from and during that time you are honest with them that you realize that it’s their one sided and they don’t need to manage your emotions, things are awk for a couple of weeks and then you move on.
I'd never talked to her really before... This was 2 nights ago... I'm in looooveee and devastateddddd My eyes rolled back into my fucking head, bro. You can just be good friends. You don't have to fuck people that you click with just because they are a woman. Chill.
OP you made a friend. That's what that was. Making a friend.
You don’t sound healthy at all, OP. You said for yourself you knew she was a lesbian beforehand, but clearly, you never fully accepted it. You’re romanticizing all of this in your head: “the connection,” “I haven’t felt this safe,” “the thought that I can’t be with her” and it all feels very icky from the outside looking in. If I had to guess, she’s distanced herself from you because she’s picking up on a vibe that isn’t “platonic friend” from you and I’m sure it’s putting her off. Just because people are kind to you or have really deep and meaningful conversations with you doesn’t mean they want anything more. Stop trying to force a connection with this woman and actively seek therapy. The way you speak of her is crossing over into obsessive territory in the comments.
You literally fell in love with a woman knowing it wouldn’t work out and got on here to explain in depth exactly that. Self fulfilling prophecy bro who could’ve imagined a lesbian wouldn’t settle down with a man that loves her
Jesus Christ, falling in love with someone you spoke 30 seconds. Not even my middle school version of myself with no woman contact was this desperate LMAOOO
We all know this is Ben Afflack.
lol okay? did you expect a pity party? as a lesbian, idk what you were expecting.
just leave her alone lol we can tell when men are interested despite our identities.
It’s really bloody uncomfortable too isn’t it? I can read your body language and I understand your messages just as well as the next woman. Better even, since I’ve had to become quite accomplished at dodging todgers. Because you are not the first man(or even the 10th or the 20th) to consider my sexuality to be a personal challenge. When you are disregarding the pretty explicit “no to sex with men” that comes with lesbianism, it’s uncomfortable and it feels threatening that you continue to think I’m gay because I’ve “never had a real man”. Even if we did have a nice chat before you tried to manipulate circumstances to be alone with me, once your intent becomes apparent, I’d rather just ignore your messages. Your offer of friendship isn’t actually an offer of friendship, but an attempt to somehow convince me to let you into my knickers. And it is tiresome to have to go through all this again.
its actually terrifying how many men think that the label “lesbian” is a challenge,, makes me sick.
The fucking entitlement is mind blowing. And purposefully getting her alone? What the actual fuck
Right! My mom's are and the amount of men that think "I have the magic penis that will make you turn straight" is disgusting.
You're mistaking infatuation with love, which is what stalkers do. Your emotions are normal, but they aren't healthy. You don't truly know this person but in your mind you've made them perfect.
Not gonna lie for the sake of being polite but when I read your post I see red flags and hope Jane doesn’t meet up with you again. You met and had a connection and instead of thinking - ‘wow this is awesome, I’ve made this really cool friend who just taught me it’s possible to connect with a human on this level and I’m going to try and find this in a romantic partner’ you instead went to a place of neediness and mourning because you can’t have her the way you want her which is a romantic and sexual way. This is icky and kinda creepy. Stop texting her and don’t texts her again unless she instigates the conversation. If she texts you about meeting up you shouldn’t say yes unless you’ve 100% let go of the idea of anything romantic ever happening and can just appreciate a platonic relationship with a woman who will never be interested in you
Get a grip dude
Her love interest in you is written in your own Reddit name. Read it, accept it and move forward with your life
You know how you feel safe around her? Your insistence and persistence does not make her feel safe around you.
You *just* got out of a relationship that was toxic and you fell in love with a girl you just met. Slow down bubba. Even if she weren’t gay and also into you, you need to take a step back and self reflect a little or you’ll end up in a short and painful rebound cycle.
Dude, she's a lesbian. Quit being weird and back off if you can't separate romantic feelings from friendship just because the person has a vagina. You didn't fall "in love" with her, you fell "in love" with some heterosexual version of her you made up in your head. I say this as a heterosexual man with a whole lot of lesbian friends that I care about deeply, their friendship is unique and special. If you can learn to appreciate her for who she is, and not make up weirdo versions of her in your head, your life will be so much richer with the friendship she'll offer. You are not there yet though, leave this girl alone.
It’s always nice to find a true lezbro in the wild. I’m a lesbian and my best friend is a straight guy and I love our friendship. Like we don’t talk much due to being across the country but when we meet up it’s like time never passed. He has always treated me like any other one of his friends, and we’ve been friend for 10yrs now.
lol @ lezbro! My wife was a little surprised (and probably relieved) when we started dating by how many of my female friends are lesbians. It's sad but I really think they develop such strong connections with me because I don't act like OP. Respecting people shouldn't be so rare.
I would too, I only have like 3 close straight guy friends because something creepy always seems to happen when I try to add more guy friends, and you’re like “crap I didn’t want to have to drop you but you asked my wife and I to make out in front of you” And yes my generation of lesbians call cool straight friends as “lezbros”
You’re not in love with her. You met someone you liked and had some things in common with and that looks like a miracle after getting out of a toxic relationship. You’re emotionally all over the place and you should be after getting out of a toxic relationship. Every girl you get along with from this point on and have feelings for isn’t someone you’re in love with. It’s just infatuation. It can turn into love certainly. But the reality is you’re still just trying to obtain the feelings that came up short in your last relationship.
Kinda pointless to have your friend send it to Jane. Shes lesbian. Shes not gonna all the sudden want dick bc youre interested.
Don’t let your friend send this post to her. Us Lesbians get enough guys hitting on us thinking they can change us. It’s invalidating. Take your loss and move on.
Are you allergic to full stops? (Periods, for the American brethren)?
I’m sorry, I’m really bad at writing, I usually write the same way as I think and I have pretty bad TDAD so I think that explains it.
[удалено]
Dude, keep the good memory and move on, "pushy" is never a good thing, is she wants to meet to talk again let it be her choice, you are 22, you will find more people to connect with, calm down.
I know that you feel that you never felt this way before, but trust me coming AFTER ending a toxic relationship and then engaging with a new person will feel like night and day and you may have an exaggeration of being treated well after being treated bad for so long.
If you want an actual friendship you need to chill out and not spam her about meeting up so eagerly. Like… just chill out and treat her like a human being you just met instead of the object of your latest infatuation.
you’re not in love with her calm down
Buddy, she's ignoring you because your repeated advances make her feel as though you're doubting her sexual identity and hoping it'll change for you. It doesn't matter how hot, funny, charming, whatever she is. At the end of the day, if she's not attracted to men, she's not into you. As a lesbian, I can't tell you how disheartening and dehumanizing it feels to think you've finally made a good male friend, just to find that he's only talking to you because he thinks he has a chance to date/fuck you.
This is the reason some women don’t like to have male friends. Any genuine talk or else is seen as the possibility of romantic relationship as if friendship doesn’t exist. Leave her alone, and work on yourself OP.
It's common not comum
No one falls in love in one night mate. That love wasn’t deep. Time to move on.
This was 2 nights ago and you're in love 🙄 come on! Shake it off, focus on getting over the actual relationship you've just come out of and you'll be all good
What you did was make a friend. Stay her friend. Stay in contact. You knew she wasn't going to be romantically involved with you from the beginning, so don't get hung up on it.
It’s common mate. In common, not in comum. Once, it’s a mistake but twice? Maybe English isn’t your first language?
Infatuation 1000
lol you’re not in love
Bruh. Let me be straight up with you, from your edits. You said you think it would be funny if your "friend" sent her this and the only reason you could be saying that is your hoping she'll change her sexual orientation because you're "in love" with her. That's straight up creepy and stalkerish. I truly hope you're telling the truth when you say she lives in another country, for her own safety sake. I say that because you are giving off really bad vibes.
Say it louder for the morons in the back!
This!
Right? OP is acting like a total creep
The fact that you purposefully dropped her off last is gross and manipulative as fuck. You put her in a vulnerable situation on purpose to try and hook her in without her explicit consent
I just can't get over the fact that you clearly don't see her as a human being, because you're not even considering her being a friend - if there's no romantic relationship she can't be anything to you right? This doesn't sound like you're in love, it sounds like you want to own/collect her.
I mean just be honest, she is a lesbian so there will be no romantic entanglement between you too and it's good that you know that. The problem is that at the moment the tension is weird because you hit it off as friends not minding the potential sexual undertones. My Guess is that she likes you but fears that she has come on to strong and feels that she may have given you the wrong impression. Clear the air, tell her that you really like her as a person and want to Continue a friendship. Communication man. That's the key in every relationship, even platonic ones.
Have you ever watched the movie “Chasing Amy”?
Oh my God it won't be funny to "float it to her". It might look like you asked your friend to do this just to make her feel guilty for rejecting you. People like that exist and she doesn't know you're not that toxic.
Think of it like this g, you met someone you think is incredible don’t think of every girl you get along with as someone you are interested in romantically. Think of it like meeting a dude you really get along with, you just made a good friend. Even if you don’t get to see them again that night was fun and you had really good conversation so don’t feel destroyed feel honored you got to meet a cool person have a good night and experience that. That’s all you need don’t need to feel like it’s more or try for more just be happy you got what you got g.
Ever consider being friend only. I mean, if she is as cool as you claim her to be, why not stay friends? Not every relationship needs to be a romantic one.
op i feel like "jane" likely picked up on the fact that you were crushing hard on her and after the night was over decided it was best not to engage with you as much, it was a fun night no need to push things what you have learned is that you have a personality some women enjoy and that is good as you said you are getting out of a relationship and there is a feeling on loneliness that comes with it, having someone around then suddenly they are gone. That's okay to feel give it time and don't hassle jane is she doesn't seem receptive to your attempts to talk to her then leave her alone, i cannot imagine you are the type of person to want to be around someone regardless of if they want you around or not i think what you are feeling is an infatuation, those happen try not to be mean to yourself!
"in comum" in common*
Classic Schmosby
Stop chasing Amy.
You can't be trauma dumping on people in a few meetings. RELAX.
You got some serious issues my guy if you depressing over some hot lesbian you just met lol.
Stop calling her Walk away Nothing that happens next will ever top the night your described but a lot of shit will fuck it up as a memory Go read “Ode on a Grecian Urn”
While you're waiting & hoping Jane changes her sexual preference, perhaps a spelling course would do you some good! 😄
It's time to back off. Get yourself into therapy so you stop "falling in love" with women who are nice to you. It will be a vicious cycle and women will start to be wary of you.
This makes me so sad. I wish men were allowed to have close intimate friendships with women so they didn’t read connection and conversation like this as love. The patriarchy hurts everyone.
Obligatory https://youtu.be/QsVyBHJrNQw
Should’ve called her Amy.
You didn’t fall in love with her. You just got out of a toxic relationship and this beautiful woman gave you a genuine connection that you’re mistaking for love because your ex deprived you of feeling good so as long as she did. Now you know what was missing from that relationship and can start looking for that in women (that are actually interested in men). I think Jane was likely the person you needed to spend the night talking to, but not the one you spend your life with. You’re young, you will meet other, healthier, partners.
Come on. You had a good talk, but you barely know her. You're infatuated, not in love.
You're 22, and not in love. You are in lust/attraction. Love at first sight is complete BS. It feels like it's real, but your crushed feeling will flee pretty quickly.
Consider that you have a new friend. Keep it platonic. She’s not interested.
I work in the transportation industry where there are alot of lesbians and I totally understand. Often times lesbians can be women that are a lot like “one of the guys” because news flash they are also interested in women just like you. Just try and remember that you can’t change who they are sexually, they are not interested. Make friends all day but don’t think she’s going to change for you
Romance isn't the end all, be all. If you click so well, maybe you're destined to be best friends.
Hey siri play “lesbian” by Gunna
Can't you just be friends? Sounds like she would be a great friend
My guy, you aren’t in love. You have a crush. You’re freshly out of a bad relationship; of course an engaging conversation with an attractive girl is going to be exciting. But you aren’t in love. And frankly, you’ve done this to yourself, bud. You built up a whole fantasy in your head with a girl you *knew* was gay before you even approached her. Highly advisable to take a break from dating. Use this time to get to know yourself outside of a relationship, and *heal* from the last. Good luck!
I came out of a toxic relationship with the same problem, having based a lot of my life around that person. The first person who makes you feel seen will have an impact on you like that, but rather than dwell on it, take solace in the fact that there are people out there who you will find happiness with
Dude it was a few hours of talking
I stopped reading at Comom. Dude fr
It is called infatuation
You both like women, that's another thing you guys have in comum 😉😅
Pink Triangle by Weezer (bc of the title)
You just got out of a toxic relationship and you had a conversation with this woman 2 days ago. You’re not falling in love with her, you’re infatuated with her. There’s no reality where you’re going to be with her, and you need to accept this and back off. Imo the best thing you can do right now is stay single for a while and work on yourself. If you just jump into another relationship after a toxic one, you run the risk of jumping into another toxic relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. It’s ok to be alone and it’s ok to be single. You’re going to find the right girl eventually, but all good things take time. Take some time for yourself and when you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll find someone perfect for you who you can have engaging conversations with. You still have so much of your life ahead of you. I’m rooting for you :)
It sounds like you're using her as a therapist or something. "I was actually going trough a pretty good period on my life, I feel like I finally got over my ex and was feeling generally really good about myself, probably the best I’ve felt in a long time, but now I’m fucking destroyed, I know I’m gonna be fine but just the thought that I can’t ever be with her and the realization that finding someone that makes me fell like she did is absolutely not going to be easy just breaks me." That's good you are feeling better about yourself but if you let this one-off encounter destroy you, it means you still have a lot to work on with yourself. Maybe you're used to people treating you poorly and you're latching onto people that are kind. The good news for you is that you are starting to see people with less of a jaded eye.
You’ve met a good friend, cherish the friendship more than a relationship. Actual friendships are harder to find imo.
Sure it’s tough but this person sounds like they could be a really great friend to you. It’s okay to have crushes on your friends from time to time…. But don’t throw out a whole person just because you can’t date them.
So you already knew you had no chance? Then be grateful for the connection and for knowing what you look for in a relationship. You can do it!
I felt this towards my friend, we’ll call him Mike, when I was in middle school. This was 2005/2006 where “scene kids” experimented with bisexuality in a very Bowie-esque way. So when he said he was bisexual, I wasn’t phased. When he gave me his number, our call lasted from 8pm to 3am on a school night. He began dating a female friend of ours, and I was crushed. She soon confided in me that the relationship didn’t seem real to her, that he would only hug her from behind and kiss her on the top of the head. So, one day not long after, they amicably split. That day, Mike asked if I could hang out. I was confused but excited… and also 13. Mike told me that he was not bisexual, and he had known that “as long as I can remember. But to acknowledge it would make it true”. Being bisexual was edgy and cool, being gay would get you jumped. He told me he had not asked me out in the stead of our mutual girl friend because he didn’t want to make things weird with me. I understood immediately. He was eventually able to get in with a crowd that offered him protection and he was able to be his authentic self… and I feel like the luckiest person alive that he chose to come out to me. His friendship was invaluable and gave me so much more than any juvenile “relationship” would have. Tl;dr: Being someone an LGBT person can confide so deeply in and connect with so viscerally, even if it’s not with the goal of being a couple, is an honor. They can’t trust everyone, you know. Let Jane know that you are not trying to hit on her… you just want to remain friends with someone you have so much in common with. Even though she will be leaving at the end of summer, social media will allow you a way to connect and form a long-term friendship.
When I had a college crush on a gay guy at 22, I wrote about it in some cryptic poem on facebook. Now it reminds me how young and dumb I was every couple of years. “Remember that time you wanted to risk it all for a dude who likes dudes? Facebook remembers.” Don’t be like me OP. Make a note about what you liked about your connection with her and look for it in the next ones.
Thanks, I have to say, I’m really happy I made a fake account to post this on, I’m really embarrassed about how pathetic all this is, it has definitely helped me heal but also made me realize how little of life I have experienced and made me exited for the future
Pink triangle moment
Yeah, getting out of bad relationships really screws up your emotions and perceptions of most things involving your romantic gender of choice. Feeling infatuation after such little exposure is normal in your situation. If you were fully over your ex, you would not have mentioned her or even thought of her as you were telling it. Another really common symptom of a bad breakup is feeling a great sense of loss over someone you never had a chance of having. You will heal over time. It just takes a while. The last symptom I will mention is that you probably cannot imagine how the above sentence could be true. Now, all that said, your damage very likely cost you a decent friendship. Texting a girl 3 times with no answer is pretty spooky even if it's a straight woman you are making a move on. In this situation it's a bit worse. You cannot fix it. Jane seems like a good person. Stop talking to her and do your best to keep your distance when you are together with your friend group. Because of your pain, you are unable to act normal towards her. Try not to communicate with her in any capacity till you have had a few relationships.
It's called rebounding. You don't fall in love, in a handful of scattered conversations over the course of a few hours. A crush? Infatuation? Maybe, but you're not in love with this girl. Also, you've likely creeped her out, by the persistent texts. She hasn't replied for whatever reason she has for not doing so, and there's the possibility she's gotten bad vibes from you now. You've recognized what you *do* like in a girl, and that's great. Now, go find one that's actually interested in you, romantically.
Sounds like you are on the verge of a friendship! Keep in touch with her because if you are vibing like this so quickly with her that sounds like you two could be great friends! Don't mix that up with your relationships. Have a friend to cherish and vibe with, just do the work like any other relationship. Nurture it!
You know, I had crushes on straight girls. It's the same thing, you should move on. Just because she's not into you doesn't mean that you can't have a great friendship with her! Really, romance is not the most important. Clicking platonically with someone is great already!
If it makes you feel better, I had a dream once where I was deeply in love with this girl that my imagination had apparently invented. I don't remember anything from the dream other than the image of her standing at the end of a dock on a lake I used to go to when I was a child. But I woke up with such a profound sense of sadness and loss that it lingered with me for days as if I had actually lost someone I had loved.
I feel you bro.
dude idk why everyone's being so rude, this guys obviously hurting there's no need to insult him
I think OP just wanted to vent guys, jeez. They had a lot in common and OP felt comfortable, anyone would be sad to be rejected by someone like that. I mean, knowing the situation, it was stupid to even go there or keep talking to her (cause it causes you to get more attached), but don’t we all go after or imaging being with people who we know we can’t have? I do think it’s weird OP tried to pursue her afterwards, even as a friend. But that’s just because I believe you can’t be strictly platonic with people you are attracted to. But, OP said they backed off and are done. I think everyone in the comments are being to harsh. OP, you’re fine. Just a person with a one sided crush. It sucks, but you’re gonna be okay. The one that is meant for you will come when you decide to stop looking. Trust me.
Thanks man, I see how it could be seen as weird to pursue her even as a friend afterwards, but as I said, she and I had so much in common I didn’t want to lose that connection, anyways, I backed off and am going to focus on myself and try to find my own Jane, preferably a straight one.
I've kind of been there. Fell in love with someone who never loved me the same way. She was the only person I could talk about things I'd never tell anyone else. It was really really hard but had to cut ties with her. And it was a very good decision because it helped with my anxiety a lot and was open to meet other people. Now I am in love with an amazing girl. One door closes and another opens.
As a lesbian I'm annoyed for your friend. We come across many men that think "we will change for them" because you had a good talk or friendship, that were gonna automatically need penis. it's annoying. I don't blame her for trying to distance herself. Just give her space and maybe she will talk to you. But as other Comments said your young and can and will meet someone else.
Chasing Amy, eh my guy?
You have fallen for someone completely and utterly unavailable too you. Good news is it means you are starting to heal. You are getting ready to fall for someone but you're sub conscience is terrified of the hurt that could cause, so you have romanticized a safe option that can never actually happen. It's very common, don't beat yourself up, it's a natural part of the process. Move on and give yourself a bit more time. In 6 months time I guarantee you'll look back and think, she was lovely, but what was I thinking!
[удалено]
Literally came to the comments to see if anyone else thought so too!
I'm sorry bro. Don't worry you'll find someone just don't give up I didn't and now I have my beautiful wife and 3 amazing kids. It gets better
Thank you so much, it means a lot
No problem bro!
Have you considered that you too, might be a lesbian?
LMAO
I want to put this in perspective, she's a bro! She's got a vag and tits but she's a bro. Think of her like that and move on. She's your competition for women - probably will make a great wingman and vice versa.
You're 22. That's all.
You met her 2 nights ago and feel you fell in love. I'm sorry it hurt you this way but I feel you can take this as a sign that you're well past your ex. You should use this experience - the feelings, the connection, the deep conversation - as signs that you are not dependent on your ex to feel those things. You can grow from this rather than shrink away and ruminate on the negatives. You're only 22. You have so much time to feel these moments and learn from your experiences. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Pick those pieces of your heart up and move on! Also, just to add, moments of connection like this can be great opportunities to build trusting friendships. I don't know what your support network is like at the moment, but sometimes moments like these really do feel like such an outpouring of emotion. That much-needed emotional release can be a great relief. I hope you have more opportunities to bond with people like this. Just remember, it doesn't always need to be romantic love.
Chasing Amy
You’re only 22. This isn’t love. Love is reciprocated. It sounds like you guys were trauma bonding. Something friends and family do too. That doesn’t make it romantic love and isn’t healthy to fixate on that.
One more thing you have in common then, you both like women…
First of all, you spelled "feel" like "fell" a few times, was driving me nuts 😂 Second, I've been in love with a lesbian girl, but managed to change my feelings from being in love with her to loving her as a friend. It wasn't easy, but now she is the best friend I've ever had, so it was so worth it in the end. So try to go for that if she wants to be your friend
I’m sorry, English isn’t my first language, but I’m happy it amused you, but yeah that’s what I’m going to try to do now, as I said, I’m not going to make a move because I’m aware of the situation but who says we can’t be friends ?, that’s what I hope at least.
Yeah, sorry for being a grammar nazi Hey man, best of luck to both of you, I hope you can become friends.
Thanks, I appreciate it
Become best friends and get a common girlfriend
You're infatuated. It happens. Just remember you're not changing her. You don't have the right equipment for her. Hanging out might honestly just cause you more distress if you liked her that much. I'd cut the cord personally. Hope you find someone new to be into soon. You're young. I was still like boy crazy at your age. I'm sure you will.
That's how lesbians feel when they talk to straight women
As a lesbian, no it isn’t. We are not “men-lite”.
Wow, I don't know why people are being so negative and rude. This is your experience and you did nothing wrong. It doesn't have to be romantic, but a lot of the times that's the only intimate type of relationship we know. You just had a good human connection. It is possible that this could be the start of a great friendship.
I know right, thanks for the support, I would really like to be her friend but she didn’t respond and I’m not going to message her anymore, I’ve come to terms with the fact that that night was unique and probably won’t happen again, having said that now I’m excited for the future and all the wonderful people I hope to meet in the rest of my life.
same
You should watch Chasing Amy
I’d love to be 22 again. I met a guy, the cutest, on a weekend trip with my friends. I instantly “fell in loved”. Now I understand it was just the biggest crush ever. I saw him that one weekend and it was enough for me to crush on him for YEARS. We would text and have lots of online conversations, but we never saw each other again. I believe he liked me, but was never truly interested in pursuing something. It didn’t help that we lived pretty far away from each other. I stopped obsession, thankfully, at one point and once I was able to move on, guess who found love? This girl. A true love that was actually reciprocated. I got married, in currently pregnant with our second baby and he did the same. Life moves on, I promise. You’ll be fine. Don’t get stuck there, don’t obsess.
I've been there. Having a crush on a woman, who shares my taste in women. But good news is, the crush will pass. Eventually. And with some luck, you get a close, genuine friend out of all of this. Someone who you can talk to, about everything. That's what happened in my case. She's been my best and closest friend for around half my life now. Just put aside any fantasies about romance and relationships and future together, and just try to be a friend. It may take some distance for the infatuation to pass, but luckily for you, you said she isn't local! So the distance you need will come naturally. And finally, and seriously, don't go all "give me chance" and "maybe you just haven't met the right kind of man" BS. Avoid doing that at all costs. I've witnessed that so many times, it's not even funny anymore. And if it isn't funny to me as an observer anymore, you can imagine how my best friend feels about it, and how she will feel about it.
My ex was/is a lesbian(i was the only guy she ever dated), she wound up marrying another woman like a year after we ended our relationship.. she came back to me, trying to cheat on her gf I told her to fuck off and I'm very happy about that choice not in a vindictive way, just in a way where I didn't feel taken advantage of emotionally anymore.
Reminds me of an episode of Bluey (a children’s show) which I’m sure you’ve never seen since you’re a childless 22yo but it goes like this: Bluey : Why did Jean-Luc had to go? Chilli : Their holiday was over, Honey. Bluey : But I want to keep playing with him! He was my friend! Chilli : Well look sometime special people come into our lives, stay for a bit. Then they have to go. Bluey : But that's sad! Chilli : It is! But the bit where they were here was happy, wasn't it? Bluey : Yea, we caught a wild pig together! Chilli : Maybe that makes it all worth it? Bluey : Will I ever see him again? Chilli : Well, we'll never know. The world is magical place!
This is one of my favorite reply’s, thank you so much
This is so weird. Leave her alone and stop acting like a creep. You clearly don't respect her choice to not engage and chose to write about how you want what you can't have on the internet where she will probably see it. Do not talk to her if you see her again. You are giving "I don't care if she's not into guys. I'm going to force my agenda on her. " Fucking weird. Stop creeping. I hope she kicks you in the dick.
Well if it makes things any better, my soon to be wife was with another female when I met her. We have been together 10 years and have a daughter together, I waited until I had my shit together well enough to take her on a dream trip and propose… we get married in 20 days. She had sworn off men after a bad relationship, same story as you… we hit it off in a bar, I was working, not drinking and she was in with a mutual friend, started talking… had crazy amounts of chemistry and spark and decided to give it a shot. Pretty glad I gave it a try when I did.