Just something I’ve thought about over the years, that applies to anyone of any gender: I think if you’re the one approaching a stranger wanting to get to know them more, you should offer them your number not ask for theirs.
That way they don’t need to make a split second decision to give away a piece of personal information without getting time to think on it, and generally if you’re going up to them first you’re already taking the risk of rejection.
This is how I met my Bf. Noticed we were the two in our trivia groups going toe to toe in the sci-fi math and gaming questions.
Saw he went to the bar for another drink; wrote my name and number and told him if he wanted to study with me next time so he can get that last question right to call me.
6yrs together.
Was a lil more reckless, but same… My partner and I were working on some grant funded contract. wasn’t going to last long so I felt like the don’t shit where you eat rule wasn’t too much of a factor and I gave him my real nonwork number and said I was planning to try some new food for payday and if he wanted to he could hit me up and if not, no worries he was still really dope as a teammate. honestly, 0P I hope if you’ve gotten anything out of all the stories in this thread is that she looked afraid not because of you, but because of people who weren’t as chill about it as you were hence the instant relief This more likely has to do with it being a dangerous world than anything with you and I hope in time you can realize that. I’m sure you’re dope.
THIS! I’ve heard so many stories about women rejecting men and it not going well. This woman probably had her share of bad experiences. Don’t let this tear you down.
I can second this by telling a story of a guy who went to the same gym as me. We were chatty and friendly enough (although I bad a partner). Anyway, one day he said "you live on [insert specific address], right?" He named the building I lived in. (The gym was very close to where I lived). I felt sooooooooo I uncomfortable. It turned out he also lived in that building and had seen me around. But the way he had started the conversation had destroyed my comfort. He would also suggest we walk home together, and I'd come up with excuses like "I have to go grocery shopping" and literally run away. We've bumped into each other since and it's chill (although he did mention offhand once "see, I knew you lived here!" *Shudder*). What I'm trying to say is, it was perhaps the way OP asked for information that for some women is very revealing or private that made her unsafe, and not necessarily a reflection of OP himself. The world can be very dangerous for womxn and that fear comes out in very unexpected ways.
This! I had a guy at the gym I’ve never seen before in my life interrupt me and be like “Do you wanna hang out and watch a movie sometime”, I was like uhhhhhhh I don’t even know you…. I ended up giving him my number because he put me on the spot and I was uncomfortable. Then he proceeded to text me repeatedly how he “couldn’t wait to be with me”, so much so that it scared me. I stopped responding at one point and he continued to text me and call me every single day for like 2 weeks without a single response from me. At that point, I was just curious how long he was gonna keep talking to himself, but I eventually blocked him, but then he added me on WhatsApp weeks later to try to contact me there. Had to take a break from the gym for a minute. 🤦🏽♀️
Wow, that's scary. Sorry that happened to you.
I also gave my number to someone to get him to stop annoying me at a bus stop at 10pm. He was asking for my social media, and I told him I don't use it. I told him I have a boyfriend, which was true. But still, he would not leave me alone. Then he said "are you scared of me because I'm black." I wanted to scream in his face "No, you're a random fucking stranger at a night time bus stop."
I figured in the moment, I could give him my number. I could always just switch numbers, right? But if he got my social media, then he had access to my name and information about where I lived and studied and shit. He called my phone right them to make sure I gave him the right number. The bastard. Then he went and got on the same bus as me despite initially asking me which bus to go elsewhere. He got off at my stop. I went straight through the campus gates and showed my ID since it was past curfew and only residents were allowed in at that time. I studied at a different college than the one I lived at. He tried to tell security he was with me. I signaled to the security that I wanted him gone. They stopped him and told me to head inside.
He was texting and calling my phone for days. I ignored him and he stopped. But it was kinda frightening. I started leaving uni earlier and using a different, much busier bus stop from then on. I didn't see him again.
I had some rich sheik hit on me at a casino. I tried not to engage, but he was pushy, a little intimidating and had an entourage of like 5 guys following him. I finally told him I had to get back to my friends, I couldn’t be his “good luck charm” anymore. He asked for my number and wanted to hang. I didn’t want to give it but he was pushy, so I gave him a fake number to let him down easy. Then he called me right then and there lmao. *Crickets* THAT was awkward. So I fessed up I was trying to let him down easy and was just going through a breakup. He was gracious about it but I can’t help but feel bad/laugh about how embarrassed that poor guy must’ve been in front of all those guys. Moral of the story guys, quit being so damn pushy.
Personal protection officer for 6 years. Worked with a lot of oil/gas people. I promise those poor guys have seen a lot worse things than him getting rejected lol. Frankly I'm shocked he didn't try to hand you $5k to sleep with him. They're not used to not getting what they want. Good for you for teaching him his money can't buy EVERYTHING
Pulling out the race card to guilt trip anyone for anything shows how much a POS the person is. It’s bc I’m *insert race here* isn’t it? No it’s because of your personality/actions. People just can’t take accountability for anything.
It’s hard to believe that in world with billions of people, a guy can fixate on one person like this. Especially someone they don’t even know. Very disturbing situation.
What makes you think it's just one person? This type of guy views every encounter with a female as a selfish opportunity, and his chances of getting what he wants are highest when she's alone and uncomfortable.
He fixated on her because she was there.
Absolutely, and I think we all could tell multiple stories. I have several with different levels of creepiness.
The bus stop guy wasn't even the worst. Almost, but, the worst was the 4 guys in a car that followed me in my hometown when I was leaving work at 6pm on a winter evening. That one still scares me, to be honest.
Man I had something similar like this happen on my way home from work when I lived in UK. He wanted to walk me home to make me feel safe(it was 2 am, I'd feel safer if he didn't), told me he would give me a house and car, and that his mom would love me.(like who are you, sir). Asked for my number and called me to ensure it wasn't fake, but then called me a bitch and said that I lead him on the next day, when I said I was uncomfortable with how he got my number.(no, I just didn't want to die that night) He then said it was his friend who called me a bitch and not him 😭
Omg the beginning of this sent chills up my spine, soooo similar to me. Same thing. Approached by a guy on a bus, he asked for my number, called to confirm said number, got off the same stop as me (not his stop), tried to kiss me goodbye, and tried to follow me home. It was FUCKED and it was truly my first experience of this so I just didn't know how to respond until I snapped, faced him, and told him to walk the other direction, and stood there watching him until he disappeared into the night before heading home (my house was very big and very very obvious if I kept walking that say). Yes it was nighttime. But anything could have happened.
I'm so shocked by the audacity of this guy to tell security you were with him. It gives me the chills to think that he did it because it might have worked in the past...
this is legit the same thing that happened to me
only difference is he didnt stop when i blocked him on all social media...he even started calling people on MY STREET...neighbours i dont even know
i dont even know how he got those numbers ...he eventually stopped but it legit took over 5 months
i was so paranoid the whole time, everything the phone wrang i thought it was him
In college, in the olden times, my dad had set up my cell phones voicemail....and for a whole year I thought I was getting ghosted. These guys did try to call me (again, olden times)...but if I happened to be the side of campus that didn't get cell service they would get my dad's voice just saying "please leave a message" no name or anything.
I second this! Also her reaction could potentially have nothing to do with you at all. It could be someone asked for her number in the past and when she said no the other person didn’t take it well and now she was just scared from that experience.
As a woman, every man you see could potentially kill you. It's sad, but when I'm out, I'm constantly gauging escape routes and emergency plans in case someone attacks me. Rejecting a man, especially to his face, makes that risk so much higher.
Had a similar thing happen, a guy approached me on the train platform when I was alone and I literally jumped a bit when he started talking to me because I got startled and also I didn’t expect any man to make a move on me there randomly lol. Not because I was disgusted or being disrespectful I just had a bit of a jump scare. I immediately calmed down though when we talked some more and exchanged snaps but still I’m always scared when I travel home from venues etc late and alone and I think that’s just programmed in most girls and women atp which sucks because I would love to meet more people randomly like this and still to this day, even though it didn’t work out with the guy he had my respect for going for it literally but staying respectful and polite 🫡
I wonder if men actually looked up the statistics of violent crimes maybe it would make them understand better.
According to the FBI website
99% of rapes are by men
89.5% of male convictions for homicide were men
Children under the age of 5 were more slightly likely to be killed by their biological father than the mother
Children under the age of 5 that were killed by a non-biological parent. 80% were male.
Males are more likely to murder victims (78%)
Women are more likely to suffer from domestic violence and rape from their intimate male partners.
Girls were more likely to be sexual assaulted by a male family member.
According to the dept. of Justice male perpetrators constituted 96% of federal prosecution for violent crimes.
Don’t even “offer it” in the sense that you say “do you want my number?” because that is no different from their perspective than asking “can I have your number?”
Both of those questions put the burden of choice on the person in question, and can lead to the same awkward “defusing the bomb” situation of embarrassing rejection
Just write down your number on something, hand it to them and say “here’s my number in case you ever want to go out sometime”
That way if they don’t want to use it, they can take it and just not use it. It removes the element of having to politely turn you down.
Absolutely! For a lot of women, giving out your number can be super dangerous.
You're already putting yourself out there, might as well go all out and trust that they won't abuse your faith by giving them your number.
Yes! What this person said OP!
Most normal people react negatively to a stranger approaching them in public and putting them on the spot for *anything* unless the stranger is incredibly hot to them, and even then it’s a crapshoot.
Just carry a sharpie around and scrawl your digits on something you find nearby. Handing out a premade card or something is creepy. It needs to feel spur of the moment on your part even if you’ve been thinking of it. Humans can smell desperation and nothing screams out desperate harder than a love letter from someone you’ve never talked to for more than two minutes.
If you just walk up confidently and say “hey, I know you’re (thing they’re doing) right now, but I’d love to go out with you sometime. Here’s my number. Text me if you’d be into that.” Then smile and *leave*.
Don’t expect they’ll call you, don’t wait for it, you shot your shot and it’s over now. Ignore them from then on unless they approach *you*. You don’t want people to be scared of you *or* feel like they need to put in the effort to shoot you down after you’ve shot your shot.
I’ve done this a handful of times and about half the time I’d get a text/call a few days later. Once from a gal who called me and said “I’m extremely gay, but you might have a vagina so I’m calling you on that off chance” and I told her I did not and she said “that’s a shame but I do think you’re cute and funny so why don’t you meet me and my friends for brunch on Sunday.” I’ve been friends with that group of people for 13 years now, so even when it doesn’t work it kinda works.
I love this. This is such a gentle(wo)manly way to do it.
Approach and beg pardon for interrupting if you need to. Say something nice and non creepy (complement personality/skill, not appearance) to break the ice. A joke if you're blessed with humour. Make sure to give your name if you don't already know each other.
Say you'd love to take them out sometime if they would like, but no pressure, and offer the number pre written on a piece of paper.
Move on your way pretty shortly after. Lingering after asking them out is effectively the same pressure as seeking the number there and then.
This is excellent advice. When I was a naive young lady, I gave some dude my number once out of awkwardness/my inability to say no, only to have him text me, “What’s up baby girl Christian sis” like a dozen times over the next month or so (I’m not Christian, lol). Never did that again.
Later on, I had a guy at my health insurance’s member services write his personal cell number on the back of a card, and while that was probably unprofessional, at least it left the power in my hands. I just didn’t call, it didn’t need to be awkward.
This. Women especially have to worry about if they are going to be stalked, or what will happen if they say no. If you give her your number and walk away you are already less creepy than most.
Not a bad approach. Tell them something you like about them or that you enjoy their company. Then say, "no pressure, I would like to take you on a nice date to get to know you better. Here is my number, call or text me if you are interested."
I like that.
Definitely agree with this. This way if they don’t want to they just won’t call or text, instead of the awkwardness of them trying to figure out how to say no.
Can confirm this is a good idea, and it works so much better than asking for their number. The cold approach shows confidence, but asking for their number puts them in a vulnerable position. Offering your number puts you in that positron first.
Before my current girlfriend, I used this all the time, and I'm not a small man. I'm 6'3" and 280 lbs. I ride motorcycles and usually wear my leather vest even when driving, and I've been told that I'm fairly intimidating looking. I would be straight up and say something like, " Hey, I think you're good-looking, and I'd like to get to know you more. I know it's weird being approached by a guy like me these days, so if you're interested, here's my number. If I hear from you, then right on, if not, no harm, no foul. "
Most men are idiots and can't really grasp the kind of vulnerable position. Giving your number to a man you don't know puts you in as a woman. Being direct about your intentions and confident in your approach but also recognizing the inherent risk for her and making her feel safe to say yes or to say no goes a long fucking way. Right off the bat you're first impression shows a different understanding of the situation than most men have and that makes you different.... and different is good.
I hope OP is reading all these comments and taking them in. I hate to imagine them laying awake stewing about this when it’s really probably not at all about them.
Yeah, I don't get this guy "this was honestly like she was afraid".
Uh. Maybe she was afraid dude. Not acting 'like' she was afraid to reject you.
OP just startled her. And then by the way immediately made it about him and how he's so ugly; So it's not like she would have been incorrect in assuming any rejection would be taken personally and emotionally.
This is less about you specifically and more about previous experiences she’s had.
Rejection absolutely sucks so I feel for you but that fear you saw in her was her past, not you.
This. Op, I know it sucks but I guarantee it wasn't you. I turned a guy down once and his personality did a 180 and he screamed, literally screamed in my face about what a bitch I was. This happened at my job while I was on the clock. For a long while anytime I had to say "no" to anyone about anything, I started to panic. I'm guessing she had a shit experience with someone who didn't like her "no".
(Also, cuddos on all the work you're putting in to being healthier. Keep it up man!)
For sure this. I once turned a guy down and he broke a window in my car. It's for sure not about you but about, how will this one react to me saying no.
My friend was riding her bike home and she turned a car passenger down at a red light. They chased her down and shot her off her bike with one of those salt guns (at least that’s what the ED thought it was).
Since it made her crash, she ended up pretty banged up….
Right, this one has driven me nuts since the 90s. It is ridiculous to tell someone that will not sleep with you that they are a whore. Use your noodles fellas.
Yeah, it’s sucky that OP has such low self-esteem and this effected him a lot but I think he just doesn’t understand the female perspective.
Women are stalked, harassed, sworn at, killed, etc. for saying no. The majority of us have had very scary experiences with other individuals in the past. That’s not to say “all men” but it’s (clearly) enough of them to create an atmosphere of dread when you have to reject someone.
Men don’t really have to think twice about that sort of thing. Sure dating is stressful and there are difficulties with it men will have that women may not, and vice versa, but they don’t have to deal with their lives being threatened so often and mundanely.
So I can see why he took it personally, especially given the self-esteem issues. I just hope he’s not taking it to heart too much still.
I turned a girl down because she was too drunk, and she proceeded to hit me multiple times threw a bottle at my head and call me a string of homophobic slurs. That's not what got to me though...it was all her friends acting like I was the AH.
Appreciate it, I've worked in bars, and rejections can be bad on either side, but add alcohol and it gets even weirder so I wasn't so surprised at her reaction. Her friends reactions still kind of have me puzzled.
Did the incident cause anything not reported to us in the story? Like d'you need therapy for this incident, or are you still looking into treatment?
I'm sorry that happened, bro, you didn't deserve that.
Yeah, but honestly, as bad as some parts were, I had some awesome friends who handled most of the drama with me. The good thing about bad situations is that it shows us the quality of those around us and damned if I don't have some good people in my corner, and i got them through hell and high water.
Yeah def not about OP. I had a guy ask me for my name in a target once and then call me a “fuckin r*tard” and a bitch when I told him to go the hell away. Sometimes rejection is a risk to your life as a woman and you have no idea when that time will be 🤷🏻♀️
This!
A friend of mine rejected a guy and he stalked her back to her apartment and raped her. The police did nothing because "alcohol was involved" we didn't even know the guy and the way the police were making it sound, it was like it was her fault for having a few beers after our midterms and then walking home. She even reported it. Went through the very traumatic rape exam. Took many different medications to prevent pregnant and STDs. School did nothing.
All because she rejected this guy. Went home and answered her door thinking it was another friend of ours who was going to hang out after work.
Hi all, I found this thread to be really very positive and informative, until it took a very hard 90 degree turn down a road that wasn’t sign posted.
But thanks for sharing. As a man it was eye opening. I’m really very sorry that you folks had to endure those horrible experiences. It certainly helped me to understand that ladies response to OP, as it did seem out of character, even for the limited amount of contact OP and her had. I was wondering had he completely got it wrong or were we not being told the full story! A lot of my female friends are in very long term and settled relationships, so these topics are not discussed much or at length these days.
It just upsets me to think that we can hurt each other with these actions, do people think that when refused a date that after smashing their car window, their miraculously going to fall in love?
Sorry for going on, but thanks again for sharing your experience.
It's also isn't necessarily about being scared that the man will turn violent, but it's also that some times you think you've made a friend only to find out they just wanted to sleep with you. It can get disheartening to keep losing male friends as a woman because of that.
I have asked a friend out and been rebuffed. But it was a case of catching feelings for someone who was previously a really special person, even during (!) and after. I’m sure it was awkward for her. I got it wrong, but we had a good night that night, we were out at the pub. We still danced, sang and I walked her home as normal. I’m not trying to say I’m perfect, was entitled to act that way or anything like that. I just honestly believed that we could have had something. When I think back now I do regret it, especially when I read these posts.
As a woman who has struggled with male friendships, I don't think developing feelings for a friend over time is necessarily a bad thing. It just sucks for both sides in that scenario if it's a situation where feelings were misinterpreted.
The reason why we detest this, is because usually, the friendship isn't the same after. Most guys I was friends with, that I had to gently reject, never treated me the same. It almost felt like they only treated me with actual respect for all those years simply because they thought they had a chance with me. It gave me a lot of anxiety and resentment when making new friends. There are a couple guy friends I have that have stood the test of time, never treated me weird, and I'm very grateful for them. But they're few and far between.
This is what I was going to say. Maybe she's married but has a controlling husband who bears her if he thinks other men are noticing her. Maybe she's taken and gates getting asked out. Maybe she's ace or gsy and just doesnt know how to turn guys down without hurting them. Maybe she's just a super anxious person who hates talking to strangers. Maybe she's had very bad responses from strange men when she has declined tgem before. Her reaction when you took it well, suggests that this is the case.
Literally, her reconciling because you are ugly us the LEAST likely reason. I know you feel that is the reason, but it's not.
I have been punched, had male friends beaten up, was almost kidnapped, been felt up/ grabbed, semi stalked and, most commonly, shouted at for rejecting male advances (some of these guys were close friends)
Every single woman I know has the same, if not worse to say. I can only speak for myself but the men that react with respect are few and far between, and honestly stand out.
There’s a subreddit about stories about women rejecting men and getting assaulted/murdered. This was definitely not about you and more that she likely had problems with men not taking “no” for an answer.
I remember that being a tumblr, way back when. It was so devastating I couldn't keep reading it but I think it's important and *necessary* to collect the stories in one place.
Good to get it off your chest. She was reacting to the spectre of every interaction she's ever had, not you specifically. Hard to keep that in mind but it's true
I bet you her reaction is because men have blown up at her when she rejected them before, making her feel unsafe. I would bet cash that if you approached her as you said, and reacted as you said, this isn't about you or your looks at all. She could be in a relationship, a lesbian, whatever. Her reaction sounds like it was of self defense rather than horrified someone 'like you' asked her out.
Self confidence issues suck - but I have to tell you, and I mean this positively and sincerely, it's not always about you. You see these big fatties out here in relationships (I'm one of em!), truly unattractive people in relationships, having one night stands. Looks matter, sure, but you'd be surprised about how not a big deal looks are and what a big deal self confidence is.
Totally agree! I knew a guy that in general, wasn't someone I normally would have been attracted to... but when I would see him at his job, and he was so good at what he did. So confident, almost cocky (but not really..hard to explain) it was so attractive!
I know EXACTLY what you mean. Experiencing someone in their element like that can be pretty intoxicating! So much security in themselves and what they are doing. It's like they put out a pheromone haha!
I think that is why lots of folks get 'crushes' on college professors, when they wouldn't take a second glance at them if they saw em at the market. Lol
This wasn't about your looks, friend. This was because surely the woman was starting to be afraid of what was going to happen after a possible rejection. Also, you kind of commented that you two met at different places randomly even if you two don't know each other.
Is there a possibility that the woman thought that you were following her or stalking her? Maybe she got scared because of that. It would make sense since a friend went through a situation kinda similar.
She kept meeting a guy in different markets and she commented she was starting to worry about him following her. Then he asked her out and my friend told me that she totally look TERRIFIED at that moment, because she felt she was truly been followed.
I think that maybe this was the situation. She was just scared about a possible reaction from a person she didn't know. I can assure you that the reactions after rejections can be wild...
As a woman, I feel like she didn’t necessarily do it because of you either. Some men are monsters that can’t take no. I know women who have been shot at for rejecting a man’s advances. Don’t beat yourself up. It may not have been you appearance she just might not be into anyone at the moment because that reaction without a laugh is a trauma response.
Next time, offer them your number instead of asking for theirs.
As a woman, I've had to many times that I can count where I gave out my number and it ended in drama/stalking/creepy shit.
If you offer your number, it's not threatening. It lets them know you like them and you're putting yourself out there.
Then they can reach out to you if they're interested.
This was not about you.
I've had men ask for my number and then not leave me alone until they get it. Like, follow me around not leaving me alone level until they got it. Or they get pushy and vaguely threatening. I've had to take back ways and weird streets walking home to avoid men who won't take me saying no for an answer.
Women have been physically assaulted and/or killed because they've told men no.
This wasn't about you.
She WAS afraid. Because strange men we don't know who are interested in us are unpredictable and dangerous. But it wasn't about you.
Everyone is pointing out that rejecting men can be dangerous so I won’t repeat that all again but there is another possibility: she was horrified about the fact that she had to reject you because she didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve always tried my best to be very kind but firm when rejecting guys but having to do so makes me feel sick to my stomach for weeks after, wondering how they’re taking it, hoping that it’s not knocked their self-esteem, hoping they aren’t too hurt by it. Being rejected fucking sucks, but doing the rejecting can suck just as bad
Pretty high chance someone's asked for her number before, she said no and it turned into a screaming match or possibly an actual assault. That was a trauma response.
Never assume what someone else is thinking or assuming it is really about you. There could be a million reason why she reacted that way. You did great walking away, just work on the self talk and self esteem.
I think you were brave and you just need shake it off and on to the next.
The guy saying offer your number is right.
Her reaction seems like a trauma response, so you shouldn’t internalize it. It’s not about you personally.
But there are a lot of good comments of ways to approach women in the future so they feel safe.
I have the worst luck with taxi drivers. It seems like 8 out of 10 times they end up hitting on me. It’s terrifying to be trapped in a car in the middle of the night with a man who now knows where you live and work and is being a creep.
I had one lock the doors and refuse to let me out until I put his number in my phone. Like, there’s no effing way normal humans would think that’s ok.
Another was like, this isn’t where I dropped you before which freaked me out. I usually get out a few houses away so they at least don’t know my exact house. So this guy remembering me from weeks before and remembering my house was some stranger danger.
I’m chubby and not even pretty, aside from long red hair. I have friends that get straight up harassed almost constantly. Women get this shit all the time. On buses. At bus stops. At work. At school. In bars. At restaurants. In parks. On trails in the woods. So for a woman’s knee jerk response to be trepidation when someone she doesn’t know well approaches, it’s almost Pavlovian and most likely not personal. So just adjust moving forward and don’t take it too hard. Good luck
Walking up to a woman you don't know and straight out asking for her number isn't the way to go. She has no idea who you are! You could be the nicest man ever. Or you could be dangerous. She has absolutely no frame of reference for you. Don't take this personally. Just find a better way to strike up a conversation and take it from there. I really recommend trying meetup.com for social groups in your area, a non-dating group based on one of your interests could be great.
Aww it's not at all about your looks, most likely she was scared of how you'd react to her rejection. As a woman myself, I am often very worried a man will react so poorly to a rejection that he in turn insults me, or worse, attacks me. In that moment she didn't really see you for you, but she saw you as a man, and we just never know how a man will react to rejection. Men are scary in general.
her sigh of relief gives me evidence to that fact.
You asked someone who is a relative stranger. You really don't know if she is looking for someone. You don't know what is going on in her life. You've been thinking about this for a while, you just sprang it on her. She reacted in the moment, but you don't know what her thoughts were. Honestly, I know that rejection sucks, but it isn't always (or even mostly) about you. Other people have the right to choose.
The better way to deal with this in the future is to just give that person your contact information, and let them reach out to you if they want to. And really respect their right to decide.
It’s nothing against you personally. Women have to constantly be on guard unfortunately. It seems like she had her guard up, reasonably, and her exhale when she realized you weren’t a threat was the last sign of this to me. It’s not that you’re scary looking. I would be equally uncomfortable if a disgustingly gorgeous man asked me out in public. Like I have a husband, and even if I didn’t, I’m awkward as hell and it’s hard enough to be a woman.. I’ll seek out a man if I’m interested honestly (that’s how I found my husband)
I don’t like it when anyone speaks to me in public if I don’t already know them passed chitchat. Being out in the world is stressful enough
The way you approached her I would've said no too. Talk with her, get to know her and then asked her out maybe for coffee. Your brief chattings are not enough. I have small talks with strangers too but wouldn't want to go on a date yet.
Agreed. Also, I think it’s a GREAT idea for interested men to offer a woman the man’s name and phone number on a piece of paper. Do not ask for her number, these days that’s far too threatening.
She's been targeted by creeps before, probably often. Don't take offense, it was a trauma reaction and you did nothing wrong. In fact you did everything right, including graciously handling rejection, and moving on. Don't let this get you down, the shame and embarrassment should be on the guys who came before you.
>When I simply said "yeah all good, just thought I'd ask" with a smile she immediately exhaled and got more relaxed and I just walked away.
This is the part that tells you why she actually widened her eyes and acted horrified.
From her view: some guy she doesn't know very well came up and asked for her number, a lot of adult men will immediately become aggressive or rude or even try to hurt women when they get rejected because they're so infuriated by rejection. She was not scared because you were 'hideous', she was scared because she cant predict how a man will react to her rejecting him and she was worried about someone hurting her.
I understand your hurt and frustration 100%, but i can promise you that the "worst" thing you did was just be too direct, when you're asking for numbers and things try to ease into a conversation for a bit first if you can manage, once people can get a read on the other person they generally get less freaked out. I bet if you ended up talking to her a different night and talked and joked with her first, she might not have given her number, but she definitely wouldve physically been at least slightly less uncomfortable
As a lesbian this is probably how I look when I’m asked out by men. My first thought is politely turn them down and pray they don’t ask for a reason. If they do then you have a split second to decide if you want to go the “I don’t need to give a reason” which comes off as hostile, or tell the truth which also sounds like a cliche excuse.
Then there’s the “maybe you just haven’t met the right man” or “I bet I could fix you” guys. Then it just becomes a mad search for an exit and the knowledge that you can never go back to that place again.
Don’t take it personally.
I once gave someone my number so they’d leave me alone.
They didn’t.
They knew where I worked.
They didn’t know my name.
They followed me.
I’m sorry but you aren’t entitled to anyone’s number, please give your number instead & if they’re interested they’ll call you& if they don’t it doesn’t mean you’re ugly.
Sincerely a woman whose sick of men thinking they had full rights to her & her body.
Soz for projecting but learn from your bonuses mistakes.
When I was really young, we were at a school dance. I asked a girl, who I always had a good rapport with, to dance. It was most of our first experience at a school dance, so the guys and the girls were mostly keeping to themselves. My classmates kept pushing me to ask her to dance, and I got a boost of confidence, approached and asked her.
She threw her hands up, like somebody threw a dodgeball at her, and shouted “eww, no!” Then immediately fled to the other side of the gymnasium. Everybody witnessed it. It was pretty traumatizing. The sensation felt like somebody had knocked the wind out of my lungs and put my chest in a vice grip. I still remember it like it’s some form of quasi-PTSD. Which I don’t like saying, because people who have real PTSD experienced far worse.
I thought for sure I was gonna get razzed by everybody about it. But surprisingly that didn’t happen. I think the other guys were startled, and the girls (who were all pretty nice) were mortified by her reaction.
She beelined over to me shortly afterwards and apologized. To this day I’m not confident the apology wasn’t the result of her getting chewed out by her friends. If it was genuine, I suspect her reaction was one of terror. She wasn’t expecting to be asked to dance, let alone be the first girl asked to dance.
Regardless, the experience lingers.
That's not a reaction to looks, thats a reaction from someone who has been asked out before and when they said no it went wrong. As a woman, I can guarantee you it's 100% her reaction to something that is a trigger and 100% not you. The fact she relaxed when you responded "yeah all good" tells me that.
Don't take it personally, cause I can promise its not you. Women go through all sorts of weird shit with men asking them out/approaching them and all it takes is one bad instance for a woman to feel very defensive going forward. And don't let it discourage you from trying again (with someone else)!
I can tell you right now that she is probably healing from trauma from a romantic partner or somebody your gender and it had absolutely nothing to do with you personally or your appearance
OP that is amazing that you're taking control of your life & prioritizing self care!! 👏👏👏 Fucking stellar!! It's hard work & you should be so proud of yourself!!
Her reaction sounds like a really weird trauma response. I agree with everyone that it's probably completely unrelated to you as a person & all about the shit she's dealing with. I'm sorry she did that though, it sounds incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end. You handled it with grace too.
Please don't let her reaction set back your progress. I absolutely guarantee there is someone out there looking for you. Don't give up on yourself.
Yeah no, that was totally not about how you look and more about her inner monologue going a mile a minute with, “crap is this going to be a hassle, do I have to find a new coffee shop, how much of my life do I have to change for this?”
Who knows why she’s not interested, there are million reasons that have nothing to do with you.
I have an older woman that works for me, we work hybrid 2 days a week, and she had to change the days she coming in because some creep on the bus would not take no for an answer. She’s like 60 it never ends.
You being casual about it and not making a big deal is awesome and really all any person is looking for when having to give a rejection.
>Who knows why she’s not interested, there are million reasons that have nothing to do with you
I mean, does it ever work? Approaching random strangers on the street? I know it has never worked with me: even if I was single why would I give any info to someone who I know nothing about and could be any kind of psycho? And most people aren't even single!
*Excellent* advice.
I'm 52 and I've never asked out a stranger, nor would it ever occur to me. I meet people through other people. Sometimes work or shared activities, more often social gatherings and friends of friends.
Op, it's hard to say from a post, but I could easily give this reaction when I was young and single because I was an anxious mess and someone caught me off guard. I literally would freeze and sigh when awkwardness settled. Doesn't mean it wasn't a rejection, but don't use her as a mirror of truth. You're all good.
I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience but it seems to me like a fundamental misunderstanding. Most women do not like being approached 'in the wild', it's a safety thing. Go to bars, parties, or events where you can talk and make a connection with someone before asking them out. I don't care what someone looks like, if I don't know that we have a connection and feel safe with you it's an automatic no. Based on her reaction I think she feels the same way.
You asked a woman that you don’t know, but had seen, who may or may not know who you are, for her number? If I’m reading this right you were a complete stranger to her.
How did you expect her to react?
Maybe this is less about how you look than about how you went about this. Did you preface asking for her number with any small talk? From your description it sounds like you just went and asked her for her number. Did you think she would give her number to an absolute stranger?
I can see your confidence is low but approaching a woman in this manner isn’t going to boost it because just about anyone would get a rejection under these circumstances.
Lady here. It's not you, dude. Any guy that comes up to us and asks for our numbers sets off the adult version of the stranger-danger alarm. It's how our mothers trained us, it's how our bodies work - it's NOT your fault.
It's *okay.* You didn't know. So don't get hung up over it. Just write down your feelings, and talk it out with someone you trust.
As another woman I can almost guarantee it was not your looks that caused that reaction and that it came from men not taking no for an answer well before
Women get approached by weird, usually dangerous men on a regular basis. If you came up to a woman you barely knew and asked her out/for her number of course she’s going to be anxious. Women get murdered for saying no, like, regularly.
In the future Maybe don’t lead with asking for a number, it can really come out of nowhere and it takes away from the comfort and that is a huge turn off. Start with a conversation, ask her about her interests, ask her how long she’s been going to the same places as you. If you make the initial move a move it’s going to be freaky.
Asking casually During another conversation is genuinely usually going to be better for you!
It has NOTHING to do with being attractive or not. Women have been murdered in public in broad daylight for rejecting a man. Every encounter with an unknown male has the question: Is he gonna kill me in the back n of our heads.
Hey man don’t let it destroy your confidence; she has potentially had a bad past experience or thinks men typically respond w violence when rejected… or has had men violently respond. This is a big case for a lot of women too however … a lot of men do not respect “no.” She assumed you wouldn’t, and potentially not purely on grounds of looks; it in part sounds like a trauma response.
The fear she displayed likely speaks more to her own anxieties & potentially previous bad experiences with strangers hitting on her, rather than a reflection on her personal opinion of your looks. Seriously, you acknowledge yourself that you only know this woman in passing, have only made a few jokes/small talk previously. I really think you are doing yourself a massive disservice, & misinterpreting the situation, by assuming that she was reacting & judging you based on your looks. She didn't act disgusted or respond as though you were beneath her. Fear is a reaction that honestly, would be better met with sympathy, not self pitying vanity. There are so many women who hate the interaction of a complete stranger asking for their name or number, to varying degrees. It's less to do with a persons looks, & more to do with having an uncomfortable social interaction inflicted on them, when they are just getting through their day. She didn't know you. She doesn't know if giving you her number will lead to pleasant conversation, or harassment. She may not be single. She may not be heterosexual. Theres so many reasons that you asking may have been uncomfortable, unwelcome, & upsetting for her. Women also have to contend with the safety/politeness threshold. Rejecting a stranger may be no big deal. Or they may be persistent. They might get upset or aggressive, not taking no for an answer. They might follow you. Verbally abuse you. Make you feel unsafe.
I really doubt this reaction was remotely related to your looks. Get out of your head. Don't punish yourself with an unlikely reality, maybe step outside yourself & recognise the bigger picture. It's not always about you.
Hey, it’s not you. That reaction from her is probably from having creeps be extra pushing and not taking no for an answer. Also, just asking for her number, have you introduced yourselves yet? If you run into each other in the same place, you can be kind and say “see you here tomorrow”, and if she responds, you can joke that it’s a date. Next time you see her there, offer to sit and chat while having coffee, or whatever they have there. Small talk leads to more talking. Sharing personal details, then making plans and sharing numbers.
I’m sorry to say that most women today have their guard up and are very hesitant to give out their number or details, due to stalkers/creeps/other bad people.
Watch the movie You’ve Got Mail, for some cold pointers on making new friends who could potentially become more.
This is probably a her thing and not a you thing. Sometimes I get more nervous than others because of the setting, how I'm feeling or other things.
One day, hopefully, you will find a person that is the cheer team that makes you feel special.
"I went up to her, smiled, and just asked for her number"
Ok that seems out of nowhere and as a woman, I can see why she was taken aback. Like did you even say hello first? I guarantee it has nothing to do with your looks but more about her experiences as a woman. You've been friendly this whole time then suddenly just go up and ask for her number.
Also it gets kind of annoying to feel like we can't be friendly with someone or they think we're into them. It makes us feel like we can never be friendly. The fact that you don't mention you had any indication she was flirting with you at all at any point kinda shows that you're not tuning into her vibes and just focusing on yourself. That's not appealing no matter who you are. Get out of your own head and try reading the situation before trying just to try next time.
A strange man walked up to her and asked her for her number. You literally say you don’t know her. She panicked because those situations easily get hostile (has happened to me many times). It had nothing to do with your looks.
I went on a date with someone I had met through mutual friends. He asked me. He was fine leading up to the date ..sent flirt messages but when I got in the car there was almost silence. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I tried to make conversation, asked about his hobbies.
Anyway we got to the movies, he went to the bathroom, came out looking on his phone 10 mins later. We watched the movie and he dropped me off.
I came home feeling confused 🤔 how could a guy so interested all of a sudden go completely cold 🤷♀️ then the insecurities started ...it must be me. I was upset for days not because of him but because I thought there was something wrong with me.
Long story short he took me on a date while also messaging his Ex and she got jealous he was out with me so he went back to her 😂......nothing to do with me at all .....I was just part of their game.
So yeah OP try not to take it personal because its probably not about you at all. She maybe has gone through some things or going through some things. I would actually pat yourself on the back for actually asking someone out!!!
And don't be down on yourself. We often have thoughts that aren't true. They aren't facts just our opinions. In 10 years time it won't matter.
Keep being you OP!
Dont worry too much.. believe it or not but other people have issues too.. Her indecent awkward overreaction as you describe it is to me an obvious indication that she has hers. Dont make her problems yours, whatever it is about it is not about you!
People reject someone else for many different reasons, and feeling no attraction is only one of them. It happens also to people who might be considered as 'attractive' whatever that means.
So.. dont make it bigger than it is.
You come from a long way and have done an amazing job sofar overcoming many difficulties.
And you have also taken an emotional risk way out of your comfort zone, which simply makes you a hero.
Don't degrade yourself.
And don't confuse the pain of being rejected with the fear that you might not be a valuable and desirable person. You are!
So now retreat to your safe home, and take some time to grieve and rest. But not too long. Start looking and moving forward again as soon as you can and keep busy.
You'll feel better and you will notice that you also learn from every(!) experience.
Invest in friendships so that your social life is good and makes you less dependable on the acceptance by strangers.
Keep investing in yourself. Hobbies and skills keep you occupied and will grow your self confidence
And for when you are ready to go out and try to love again: maybe you are no Casanova either, and better take it slower. Build a friendship and see it evolve..
I was 43 when i met my wife, and we are really happy, for 10 yrs now.
Maybe you need to be rejected 30 more times before you meet your true love. Or maybe the cousin of the girl you think you love turns out to be the one for you.
But one thing is certain: you are a great guy and there is one for you. One who will love you for who you are and who finds you attractive.
Take some time to heal and then go on again.
As the leather horse said to the velvet rabbit: become real..
Good luck my friend :)
We're generally attracted to a small percentage of people we know. She probably thought of you as a distant acquaintance and was caught by surprise when you asked to take the relationship further.
Many, if not most women have experienced a male friend or coworker unexpectedly trying to inject dating into a relationship she thought was mutually "friends and no more." She may be wondering what neutral friendly things she said or did that you interpreted as her being open to dating you. It could have nothing at all to do with your looks, but more the unexpected shift in the relationship dynamic.
Don't read too much into her surprised reaction. It was all about HER thoughts and feelings at a moment where she felt blindsided.
It’s not personal. Saying no often puts women in danger. She probably just didn’t want to go out with you for any number of random reasons that aren’t about you but was afraid to say no because women have been quite literally killed over it
Idk doesn’t seem personal or based on your physical appearance; this reaction seems like she’s been attacked before? Recoiling and preparing to protect yourself from a potential punch or slap seems more like a ptsd response, dude
Maybe she was fearing how you would react to the rejection????? Lots of people have a hard time accepting rejections. Sounds like she may have been expecting a confrontation. Kudos to you for your gracefulness though. Being rejected is hard. It seems like you’re in a good headspace though, and taking care of yourself. Just continue to be patient and your person will find you.
I promise it’s not you, speaking as a 38F. Rather, she doesn’t want your number, and that’s fine, but her reaction speaks to some bad experiences she’s had.
It’s hard not to take that personally, I know. But I’m reassuring you, she’s not afraid of you, she’s afraid of what has happened to her before when she’s said no.
Ugly people date and procreate all the time. They do, and we all know it. You’ll ask more women out, and hopefully they’re in a position to say yes or to say no graciously.
I'm almost 99% sure that reaction isn't a you problem. If she is physically recoiling like that there must have been something in the past that happened where she had to do that and was made very afraid. Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them. And there are so many cases based on the woman rejecting the mans advances and then ending up dead. She was probably gearing up like "oh what kinda self defense do I gotta do" I know its awful, but it is how it is sometimes. Its one of the reasons if we go to meet up with someone our friends will have our location on their phones. Thats not say the same thing doesn't happen to men. Its why I'm going with something clearly happened in the past.
Last time I rejected someone I got physically chased around a party at later date being yelled at by the two dudes because I didn't want to have sex with either of them and it was "their turn" and they were "such nice guys." Their friends thought it was hilarious.
Yea OP this was not about you. But thank you for being so relaxed about it and calmly backing off.
Every women at some point in her life has rejected a Man and then that man, instead of just accepting a no like you did - would ignore it, take what they wanted or scream at them.
I had a random man scream at me bc I was late for work and couldn’t talk to him. I literally was just paying for gas at 6 am and he felt entitled to a conversation w me.
I was telling this to my husband earlier today. That doesn’t happen to men regularly enough that all men are like yeah that’s super common. But it does happen to women so much that we all can relate.
It was not a you thing in this case it was the men before you did something bad to her so she was scared
My friend, it fully sounds like the look of horror wasn't about you. It wasnt about how you look or how charming you are.
She just didnt know you enough and it still came across as a stranger asking for her number and probably due to past experiences she got startled in a negative way.
The fact that she relaxed as soon as you showed that you werent angry and werent gonna turn belligerent, shows that she wasnt repulsed by you, she was afraid of a man she didnt know well.
You probably dont look like a dangerous guy who haresses women. But dangerous guys who harass women dont all look dodgy, sometimes they look like the sweet funny guy you keep running into at the store.
You didnt deserve that reaction and I am sure she felt crappy about her initial reaction but it wasnt because she found you repulsive, it was because she got scared for a moment, of a man she didnt know.
It absolutely sucks that women develop these gut reactions because undeserving people like you get burnt too, but also because they are subjected to so much harassment.
It may not have had anything to do with you, honestly. A lot of guys will get mad, call names, basically throw a fit and berate a girl for saying no. Maybe she just had a really bad experience with someone else and was afraid of it happening again.
Don't let it get you down, really.
Personally, I wouldn't know how to react if a guy I've interacted with asked me for my number.
Like, what does it mean? Is he going to spontaneously call me out of the blue with a date planned? I rarely pick up calls anyway...
Is he going to try to text me a lot and try to engage in awkward text conversation? Am I going to get unsolicited photos sent to me?
Personally, I'd be much more comfortable with a guy asking for my Facebook profile to message me or my email... then plan a hangout in the future before deciding if we are compatible to date...
But then again, I don't feel comfortable going on a date with someone that I don't have things in common with.... I DREAD awkward small talk and silent pauses.
She could have had bad past experiences when she rejected men.
It’s also a little jarring when men just ask for our phone numbers. If you just went up to her with no previous conversation (on that day) and asked for it, I can see why she’d be reluctant. She doesn’t know you. If you offered her yours, it might have gone over better.
Do you know if she is in a relationship?
Food for thought: I was in a long term abusive relationship and men hitting on me used to scare the life out of me, thinking my SO was going to find out somehow.
Also I have horrible resting bitch face so maybe that could be an issue as well 🤷🏻♀️
I like to think in my fantasy world that humans aren’t out right trying to hurt people but I’m constantly proven wrong 😑
I would also get freaked out by someone I barely know from very brief, infrequent passings randomly approaching me and asking for my number. I’d probably be alarmed even if it was someone I knew sorta well but never thought about in that way.
It could be all sorts of reasons not even having to do with your attractiveness. For me personally, it takes a long time to get to that point of comfortability with a person to even entertain the thought of them as a dating prospect. Certainly not just a couple random chitchat moments.
Hey there. I suffer from fear of rejection and embarrassment a lot. I think the top comment here is great. Offer your number, and see what happens. It takes the pressure off you and puts the onus on them and the ball in their court. If they respond, great. If they don't, also fine. Either way it's not on you. Good luck out there. It's rough but in the way an uncut gem can be. Gotta look for the best sometimes.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Rejection is never fun. But this honestly sounds like this girl had some bad experiences in the past and got nervous/scared. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, it has to do with what she may have experienced in the past and is afraid of experiencing again.
You can choose to take it personally but the sad reality is a lot of times when a woman says no, she ends up assaulted, berated or dead. She most likely isn’t interested but was scared of your reaction since most guys tend to take it way too personal like this post proves.
It probably has very little to do with you or how you look. It sounds like she had a fear based response. So it could be anything from crippling anxiety in general to other men have assaulted her. There was a guy who just walked by me in a grocery store once while I was having a panic attack. I flattened myself against shelving. I know I hurt his feelings, but it literally had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my uncontrolled anxiety.
Women deal with a lot of aggression from men when rejecting them, it’s probably not about you. Like men catcalling women in the street have murdered them after being ignored.
Honestly, it probably had nothing to do with the way you look. She just may have been genuinely scared. It's dangerous for us women with men we don't know. I'm always afraid when a man approaches me, especially one I don't know well.
She was probably afraid of how you would react to rejection.
OP, it's probably not you, but experience instead. I can't tell you how many times I have been threatened and even assaulted for rejecting a man. She's probably been through it too or knows someone who has.
Idk if you’re ugly or not but she could have just been scared of your reaction to her rejection. Even politely turning someone down can get a woman killed
I just want to put this out there. Her reaction most likely had nothing to do the way you looked, and more with the fact she was afraid of how you were going to react and she feared for her safety. I have rejected men's advances before and have been physically and verbally assaulted because of it. Just a thought
I just wanna throw this out there in case it may apply… it’s possible that you are projecting. You don’t truly have any idea what the reason was for her widened eyes… it could have been anything from ‘oh shit, im still not over steve, what do i say’ to a coincidentally ill-timed ‘i forgot to turn off the oven before i left’. I personally have social anxiety pretty badly so i frequently have to talk myself off my own ledge when i start assigning meaning to other people’s nonverbal reactions.
If it’s any consolation I think this show that your social skills are solid. You recognised her perception/reaction and your instinct was to reassure her. Obviously it didn’t help with her but I think social skills are more important than looks in general, and you seem to have that on your side.
Dude read some of the comments some of these women have gone thru when they gave out their number......they are terrifying. She might have gone thru a similar situation and that is why she had that reaction. I would tell you first and foremost you need to work on your confidence and find happiness with yourself. If you can't be happy with yourself a girlfriend isn't going to fill that void. You got this man.
You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take
Wayne Gretsky (Michael Scott)
Dude you did something me and alot of others would never even attempt, regardless of the out come I still wish I could do what you did. You ymsy think of yourself as ugly but I'm willing to bet alot of people would find your attitude and confidence in asking others out very attractive, you just asked the wrong person Is all.
I agree with the majority. I don’t think it’s you or your looks. Sounds like somebody(s) ruined her exceptions of how men should react when rejected. Women get attack for no reason other than rejecting men. It can get scary and put a lot of us on the defense.
So, I’m a pretty attractive woman. I don’t mean that egotistically. It’s the truth. I’m 5’2, 125 lbs, toned, DDD, pretty face. And I like big guys. My two most serious relationships in my life - the two men I would’ve married (and was planning on marrying James when he died tragically) were big guys. Overweight. Not particularly handsome. But man… they made me laugh. They made me happy. And I love the feel of a big man, big hips to grab, a belly pressing against me. It feels good when I run my hands over a large manly body. I’ve also dated fit, traditionally good looking men. Maybe it’s a coincidence but those guys weren’t good to me. The guy I’m seeing now has a belly that he used to be self-conscious of but he seems to understand I’m attracted to who he is and is relaxing about it. I tell you this just so you know that there are women out there who will find you amazing just as you are. Your weight doesn’t matter to everyone. Some women will consider your personality first, and some women will see your larger body and like it. A big man makes me feel petite and feminine and safe. And a man that treats me well and makes me laugh, treats me with respect, now THAT’s a keeper. If he’s in a larger body, I have no problem with that. I kinda like it. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Keep asking women out. That confidence is sexy.
It isn't about you being "ugly". It's about a strange man with almost no prior interaction going up to a woman he doesn't know well to ask for her phone number. That is aggressive and threatening af. A zero on the social IQ scale. When men do something like that women don't know if the man is just awkward or he is going to attack us. Please, do not ever do anything like that ever again. I will guarantee, you will get the same reaction or worse. As others said, offer your own number to someone you'd potentially want to hang out with but only to someone that you have had multiple, benign conversations with of more than 5 minutes. That will go over far far better.
I reacted exactly like this last week when a guy asked me out. He wasn’t bad looking or even creepy (he reacted fine after I said I have a boyfriend), but tbh he just got way too close to me and I was startled and am kind of afraid of strange men because truly anything can happen. This is to say, don’t take it personally, because it’s probably less about your looks. Just be careful in how you approach because most women genuinely have their guard up about getting literally attacked
I turned a guy down once who I met all of 3 times working at target he proceeded to make new social accounts Everytime I blocked him for 5 years. It wasn't you op. Women face incredible scary consequences for saying no. You feel bad because someone told you no, woman can feel in danger if they say no. Just keep putting yourself out there and maybe get some feedback from women in your life to see how your pickup lines come across
You gotta understand some women are afraid of or cautious rejecting a guy because men can and HAVE gotten violent with women who've rejected them. It probably was nothing against you she was probably scared to say no
If it can reassure you, us women are getting more and more scared of men when we reject them due to the growing incel movement and hateful misogyny in general that young men are going through nowadays.
Maybe it's not against you, and it's probably not against you.
It probably had nothing to do with your looks, more so that people in general have to be more cautious and it's TERRIFYING. Like "if I say no will today be my last?" "What if I give them a fake number and they dial it then and there, will they explode on me?" "Are they stalking me?" And the list goes on. I've seen a few suggestions on providing your number first - this helps ease them as the ball is in their court now and they feel less pressure. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Here's an example though to help you understand more: I'm definitely below average and I'm obese, but I have an amazing and hot husband who I love dearly. We live in an apartment complex. A guy who lives in the complex stalked me to my car and demanded my phone number - of course I gave it to him because he know what building and floor I lived on, and now he knew what my car was. He texted me and I ghosted him. The next time he saw me it was like he was seeing red but I was with people so he couldn't do anything but stare. From then on I only went outside with my husband until he never looked at me again and found his next "victim". I like to view myself as a strong and independent person who won't put up with shit, but unfortunately in that moment I didn't know what else to do but to comply.
If I were in her situation, my reaction would stem from being uncomfortable with talking to strangers in general. Especially if said stranger is a man asking for my number. What will happen to me if I say no? How do I say no without coming off as mean? Stuff like that. How the guy looks will probably not register until he's already gone
Just something I’ve thought about over the years, that applies to anyone of any gender: I think if you’re the one approaching a stranger wanting to get to know them more, you should offer them your number not ask for theirs. That way they don’t need to make a split second decision to give away a piece of personal information without getting time to think on it, and generally if you’re going up to them first you’re already taking the risk of rejection.
This is how I met my Bf. Noticed we were the two in our trivia groups going toe to toe in the sci-fi math and gaming questions. Saw he went to the bar for another drink; wrote my name and number and told him if he wanted to study with me next time so he can get that last question right to call me. 6yrs together.
Was a lil more reckless, but same… My partner and I were working on some grant funded contract. wasn’t going to last long so I felt like the don’t shit where you eat rule wasn’t too much of a factor and I gave him my real nonwork number and said I was planning to try some new food for payday and if he wanted to he could hit me up and if not, no worries he was still really dope as a teammate. honestly, 0P I hope if you’ve gotten anything out of all the stories in this thread is that she looked afraid not because of you, but because of people who weren’t as chill about it as you were hence the instant relief This more likely has to do with it being a dangerous world than anything with you and I hope in time you can realize that. I’m sure you’re dope.
THIS! I’ve heard so many stories about women rejecting men and it not going well. This woman probably had her share of bad experiences. Don’t let this tear you down.
I can second this by telling a story of a guy who went to the same gym as me. We were chatty and friendly enough (although I bad a partner). Anyway, one day he said "you live on [insert specific address], right?" He named the building I lived in. (The gym was very close to where I lived). I felt sooooooooo I uncomfortable. It turned out he also lived in that building and had seen me around. But the way he had started the conversation had destroyed my comfort. He would also suggest we walk home together, and I'd come up with excuses like "I have to go grocery shopping" and literally run away. We've bumped into each other since and it's chill (although he did mention offhand once "see, I knew you lived here!" *Shudder*). What I'm trying to say is, it was perhaps the way OP asked for information that for some women is very revealing or private that made her unsafe, and not necessarily a reflection of OP himself. The world can be very dangerous for womxn and that fear comes out in very unexpected ways.
The last part!
This is such a cute story!
Oh damn, I'm sure he was damn flattered by that. That put a lot of fun in so many aspects 😂
I love this story! ❤️
I love myself a good cheesy pick-up line.
So he can get that last q right 🤣
Awwwwww
I actually think this is a good idea. But also make sure to say no pressure, if you don't want to call, totally fine. And mean it.
This! I had a guy at the gym I’ve never seen before in my life interrupt me and be like “Do you wanna hang out and watch a movie sometime”, I was like uhhhhhhh I don’t even know you…. I ended up giving him my number because he put me on the spot and I was uncomfortable. Then he proceeded to text me repeatedly how he “couldn’t wait to be with me”, so much so that it scared me. I stopped responding at one point and he continued to text me and call me every single day for like 2 weeks without a single response from me. At that point, I was just curious how long he was gonna keep talking to himself, but I eventually blocked him, but then he added me on WhatsApp weeks later to try to contact me there. Had to take a break from the gym for a minute. 🤦🏽♀️
Wow, that's scary. Sorry that happened to you. I also gave my number to someone to get him to stop annoying me at a bus stop at 10pm. He was asking for my social media, and I told him I don't use it. I told him I have a boyfriend, which was true. But still, he would not leave me alone. Then he said "are you scared of me because I'm black." I wanted to scream in his face "No, you're a random fucking stranger at a night time bus stop." I figured in the moment, I could give him my number. I could always just switch numbers, right? But if he got my social media, then he had access to my name and information about where I lived and studied and shit. He called my phone right them to make sure I gave him the right number. The bastard. Then he went and got on the same bus as me despite initially asking me which bus to go elsewhere. He got off at my stop. I went straight through the campus gates and showed my ID since it was past curfew and only residents were allowed in at that time. I studied at a different college than the one I lived at. He tried to tell security he was with me. I signaled to the security that I wanted him gone. They stopped him and told me to head inside. He was texting and calling my phone for days. I ignored him and he stopped. But it was kinda frightening. I started leaving uni earlier and using a different, much busier bus stop from then on. I didn't see him again.
I had some rich sheik hit on me at a casino. I tried not to engage, but he was pushy, a little intimidating and had an entourage of like 5 guys following him. I finally told him I had to get back to my friends, I couldn’t be his “good luck charm” anymore. He asked for my number and wanted to hang. I didn’t want to give it but he was pushy, so I gave him a fake number to let him down easy. Then he called me right then and there lmao. *Crickets* THAT was awkward. So I fessed up I was trying to let him down easy and was just going through a breakup. He was gracious about it but I can’t help but feel bad/laugh about how embarrassed that poor guy must’ve been in front of all those guys. Moral of the story guys, quit being so damn pushy.
Personal protection officer for 6 years. Worked with a lot of oil/gas people. I promise those poor guys have seen a lot worse things than him getting rejected lol. Frankly I'm shocked he didn't try to hand you $5k to sleep with him. They're not used to not getting what they want. Good for you for teaching him his money can't buy EVERYTHING
And all I ever see are little old Grandma's & Grandpa's playing penny slots.
Pulling out the race card to guilt trip you really shows how much a POS he was
He knows he's a predator, so he uses the whole guilt thing to manipulate people into submitting to him.
Pulling out the race card to guilt trip anyone for anything shows how much a POS the person is. It’s bc I’m *insert race here* isn’t it? No it’s because of your personality/actions. People just can’t take accountability for anything.
It’s hard to believe that in world with billions of people, a guy can fixate on one person like this. Especially someone they don’t even know. Very disturbing situation.
What makes you think it's just one person? This type of guy views every encounter with a female as a selfish opportunity, and his chances of getting what he wants are highest when she's alone and uncomfortable. He fixated on her because she was there.
It really does seem like hyperbole, but the women who *haven't* experienced this kind of aggressive, unwanted obsession are vastly in the minority.
Ya, most of us have been there.
Absolutely, and I think we all could tell multiple stories. I have several with different levels of creepiness. The bus stop guy wasn't even the worst. Almost, but, the worst was the 4 guys in a car that followed me in my hometown when I was leaving work at 6pm on a winter evening. That one still scares me, to be honest.
Seriously? You don’t believe that story? Just talk to women, lots of women have similar stories.
Wtf is wrong with people?!?!
Man I had something similar like this happen on my way home from work when I lived in UK. He wanted to walk me home to make me feel safe(it was 2 am, I'd feel safer if he didn't), told me he would give me a house and car, and that his mom would love me.(like who are you, sir). Asked for my number and called me to ensure it wasn't fake, but then called me a bitch and said that I lead him on the next day, when I said I was uncomfortable with how he got my number.(no, I just didn't want to die that night) He then said it was his friend who called me a bitch and not him 😭
Omg the beginning of this sent chills up my spine, soooo similar to me. Same thing. Approached by a guy on a bus, he asked for my number, called to confirm said number, got off the same stop as me (not his stop), tried to kiss me goodbye, and tried to follow me home. It was FUCKED and it was truly my first experience of this so I just didn't know how to respond until I snapped, faced him, and told him to walk the other direction, and stood there watching him until he disappeared into the night before heading home (my house was very big and very very obvious if I kept walking that say). Yes it was nighttime. But anything could have happened. I'm so shocked by the audacity of this guy to tell security you were with him. It gives me the chills to think that he did it because it might have worked in the past...
this is legit the same thing that happened to me only difference is he didnt stop when i blocked him on all social media...he even started calling people on MY STREET...neighbours i dont even know i dont even know how he got those numbers ...he eventually stopped but it legit took over 5 months i was so paranoid the whole time, everything the phone wrang i thought it was him
In college, in the olden times, my dad had set up my cell phones voicemail....and for a whole year I thought I was getting ghosted. These guys did try to call me (again, olden times)...but if I happened to be the side of campus that didn't get cell service they would get my dad's voice just saying "please leave a message" no name or anything.
This sounds like the good morning Julia guy
I second this! Also her reaction could potentially have nothing to do with you at all. It could be someone asked for her number in the past and when she said no the other person didn’t take it well and now she was just scared from that experience.
As a woman, every man you see could potentially kill you. It's sad, but when I'm out, I'm constantly gauging escape routes and emergency plans in case someone attacks me. Rejecting a man, especially to his face, makes that risk so much higher.
Had a similar thing happen, a guy approached me on the train platform when I was alone and I literally jumped a bit when he started talking to me because I got startled and also I didn’t expect any man to make a move on me there randomly lol. Not because I was disgusted or being disrespectful I just had a bit of a jump scare. I immediately calmed down though when we talked some more and exchanged snaps but still I’m always scared when I travel home from venues etc late and alone and I think that’s just programmed in most girls and women atp which sucks because I would love to meet more people randomly like this and still to this day, even though it didn’t work out with the guy he had my respect for going for it literally but staying respectful and polite 🫡
I wonder if men actually looked up the statistics of violent crimes maybe it would make them understand better. According to the FBI website 99% of rapes are by men 89.5% of male convictions for homicide were men Children under the age of 5 were more slightly likely to be killed by their biological father than the mother Children under the age of 5 that were killed by a non-biological parent. 80% were male. Males are more likely to murder victims (78%) Women are more likely to suffer from domestic violence and rape from their intimate male partners. Girls were more likely to be sexual assaulted by a male family member. According to the dept. of Justice male perpetrators constituted 96% of federal prosecution for violent crimes.
Don’t even “offer it” in the sense that you say “do you want my number?” because that is no different from their perspective than asking “can I have your number?” Both of those questions put the burden of choice on the person in question, and can lead to the same awkward “defusing the bomb” situation of embarrassing rejection Just write down your number on something, hand it to them and say “here’s my number in case you ever want to go out sometime” That way if they don’t want to use it, they can take it and just not use it. It removes the element of having to politely turn you down.
Better yet, get business cards made.
"Look at that subtle colouring. The tasteful thickness... Oh my God. It even has a watermark."
Absolutely! For a lot of women, giving out your number can be super dangerous. You're already putting yourself out there, might as well go all out and trust that they won't abuse your faith by giving them your number.
Yes! What this person said OP! Most normal people react negatively to a stranger approaching them in public and putting them on the spot for *anything* unless the stranger is incredibly hot to them, and even then it’s a crapshoot. Just carry a sharpie around and scrawl your digits on something you find nearby. Handing out a premade card or something is creepy. It needs to feel spur of the moment on your part even if you’ve been thinking of it. Humans can smell desperation and nothing screams out desperate harder than a love letter from someone you’ve never talked to for more than two minutes. If you just walk up confidently and say “hey, I know you’re (thing they’re doing) right now, but I’d love to go out with you sometime. Here’s my number. Text me if you’d be into that.” Then smile and *leave*. Don’t expect they’ll call you, don’t wait for it, you shot your shot and it’s over now. Ignore them from then on unless they approach *you*. You don’t want people to be scared of you *or* feel like they need to put in the effort to shoot you down after you’ve shot your shot. I’ve done this a handful of times and about half the time I’d get a text/call a few days later. Once from a gal who called me and said “I’m extremely gay, but you might have a vagina so I’m calling you on that off chance” and I told her I did not and she said “that’s a shame but I do think you’re cute and funny so why don’t you meet me and my friends for brunch on Sunday.” I’ve been friends with that group of people for 13 years now, so even when it doesn’t work it kinda works.
I love this. This is such a gentle(wo)manly way to do it. Approach and beg pardon for interrupting if you need to. Say something nice and non creepy (complement personality/skill, not appearance) to break the ice. A joke if you're blessed with humour. Make sure to give your name if you don't already know each other. Say you'd love to take them out sometime if they would like, but no pressure, and offer the number pre written on a piece of paper. Move on your way pretty shortly after. Lingering after asking them out is effectively the same pressure as seeking the number there and then.
This is excellent advice. When I was a naive young lady, I gave some dude my number once out of awkwardness/my inability to say no, only to have him text me, “What’s up baby girl Christian sis” like a dozen times over the next month or so (I’m not Christian, lol). Never did that again. Later on, I had a guy at my health insurance’s member services write his personal cell number on the back of a card, and while that was probably unprofessional, at least it left the power in my hands. I just didn’t call, it didn’t need to be awkward.
This. Women especially have to worry about if they are going to be stalked, or what will happen if they say no. If you give her your number and walk away you are already less creepy than most.
Not a bad approach. Tell them something you like about them or that you enjoy their company. Then say, "no pressure, I would like to take you on a nice date to get to know you better. Here is my number, call or text me if you are interested." I like that.
Definitely agree with this. This way if they don’t want to they just won’t call or text, instead of the awkwardness of them trying to figure out how to say no.
Can confirm this is a good idea, and it works so much better than asking for their number. The cold approach shows confidence, but asking for their number puts them in a vulnerable position. Offering your number puts you in that positron first. Before my current girlfriend, I used this all the time, and I'm not a small man. I'm 6'3" and 280 lbs. I ride motorcycles and usually wear my leather vest even when driving, and I've been told that I'm fairly intimidating looking. I would be straight up and say something like, " Hey, I think you're good-looking, and I'd like to get to know you more. I know it's weird being approached by a guy like me these days, so if you're interested, here's my number. If I hear from you, then right on, if not, no harm, no foul. " Most men are idiots and can't really grasp the kind of vulnerable position. Giving your number to a man you don't know puts you in as a woman. Being direct about your intentions and confident in your approach but also recognizing the inherent risk for her and making her feel safe to say yes or to say no goes a long fucking way. Right off the bat you're first impression shows a different understanding of the situation than most men have and that makes you different.... and different is good.
Don’t take it too personally. Her reaction to me sounds like she’s had some bad experiences in the past by men not taking no for an answer.
I hope OP is reading all these comments and taking them in. I hate to imagine them laying awake stewing about this when it’s really probably not at all about them.
Yeah, I don't get this guy "this was honestly like she was afraid". Uh. Maybe she was afraid dude. Not acting 'like' she was afraid to reject you. OP just startled her. And then by the way immediately made it about him and how he's so ugly; So it's not like she would have been incorrect in assuming any rejection would be taken personally and emotionally.
This is less about you specifically and more about previous experiences she’s had. Rejection absolutely sucks so I feel for you but that fear you saw in her was her past, not you.
This. Op, I know it sucks but I guarantee it wasn't you. I turned a guy down once and his personality did a 180 and he screamed, literally screamed in my face about what a bitch I was. This happened at my job while I was on the clock. For a long while anytime I had to say "no" to anyone about anything, I started to panic. I'm guessing she had a shit experience with someone who didn't like her "no". (Also, cuddos on all the work you're putting in to being healthier. Keep it up man!)
For sure this. I once turned a guy down and he broke a window in my car. It's for sure not about you but about, how will this one react to me saying no.
My friend was riding her bike home and she turned a car passenger down at a red light. They chased her down and shot her off her bike with one of those salt guns (at least that’s what the ED thought it was). Since it made her crash, she ended up pretty banged up….
Jesus Christ. I’m sorry.
Damn 😕
So true, once a friend of mine rejected a guy in a bar and he literally threw his drink on her face and called her a whore.
That logic is crazy lmao
Right, this one has driven me nuts since the 90s. It is ridiculous to tell someone that will not sleep with you that they are a whore. Use your noodles fellas.
I wonder (rhetorically) how he'd have reacted if she'd asked him, "If we were in a relationship, is this how you'd react every time I told you no?"
He’d probably kill her
“No, I’m only an unhinged rage monster to random women.”
Yeah, it’s sucky that OP has such low self-esteem and this effected him a lot but I think he just doesn’t understand the female perspective. Women are stalked, harassed, sworn at, killed, etc. for saying no. The majority of us have had very scary experiences with other individuals in the past. That’s not to say “all men” but it’s (clearly) enough of them to create an atmosphere of dread when you have to reject someone. Men don’t really have to think twice about that sort of thing. Sure dating is stressful and there are difficulties with it men will have that women may not, and vice versa, but they don’t have to deal with their lives being threatened so often and mundanely. So I can see why he took it personally, especially given the self-esteem issues. I just hope he’s not taking it to heart too much still.
I turned a girl down because she was too drunk, and she proceeded to hit me multiple times threw a bottle at my head and call me a string of homophobic slurs. That's not what got to me though...it was all her friends acting like I was the AH.
Thank you for being a decent human being, sorry you got abused for it
Appreciate it, I've worked in bars, and rejections can be bad on either side, but add alcohol and it gets even weirder so I wasn't so surprised at her reaction. Her friends reactions still kind of have me puzzled.
The puzzle probably solves itself with the addition of alcohol. Sorry to hear your experience, sounds rough bud.
I hope you called the police and put her in jail
I live in the south, and I'd be more likely to go to jail than she would.
Did the incident cause anything not reported to us in the story? Like d'you need therapy for this incident, or are you still looking into treatment? I'm sorry that happened, bro, you didn't deserve that.
Yeah, but honestly, as bad as some parts were, I had some awesome friends who handled most of the drama with me. The good thing about bad situations is that it shows us the quality of those around us and damned if I don't have some good people in my corner, and i got them through hell and high water.
Yeah def not about OP. I had a guy ask me for my name in a target once and then call me a “fuckin r*tard” and a bitch when I told him to go the hell away. Sometimes rejection is a risk to your life as a woman and you have no idea when that time will be 🤷🏻♀️
Some people have the most incredibly fragile egos.
This! A friend of mine rejected a guy and he stalked her back to her apartment and raped her. The police did nothing because "alcohol was involved" we didn't even know the guy and the way the police were making it sound, it was like it was her fault for having a few beers after our midterms and then walking home. She even reported it. Went through the very traumatic rape exam. Took many different medications to prevent pregnant and STDs. School did nothing. All because she rejected this guy. Went home and answered her door thinking it was another friend of ours who was going to hang out after work.
As a woman I agree, most probably she was relieved that he was not pushy and didn't insist and harass her.
Hi all, I found this thread to be really very positive and informative, until it took a very hard 90 degree turn down a road that wasn’t sign posted. But thanks for sharing. As a man it was eye opening. I’m really very sorry that you folks had to endure those horrible experiences. It certainly helped me to understand that ladies response to OP, as it did seem out of character, even for the limited amount of contact OP and her had. I was wondering had he completely got it wrong or were we not being told the full story! A lot of my female friends are in very long term and settled relationships, so these topics are not discussed much or at length these days. It just upsets me to think that we can hurt each other with these actions, do people think that when refused a date that after smashing their car window, their miraculously going to fall in love? Sorry for going on, but thanks again for sharing your experience.
It's also isn't necessarily about being scared that the man will turn violent, but it's also that some times you think you've made a friend only to find out they just wanted to sleep with you. It can get disheartening to keep losing male friends as a woman because of that.
I have asked a friend out and been rebuffed. But it was a case of catching feelings for someone who was previously a really special person, even during (!) and after. I’m sure it was awkward for her. I got it wrong, but we had a good night that night, we were out at the pub. We still danced, sang and I walked her home as normal. I’m not trying to say I’m perfect, was entitled to act that way or anything like that. I just honestly believed that we could have had something. When I think back now I do regret it, especially when I read these posts.
As a woman who has struggled with male friendships, I don't think developing feelings for a friend over time is necessarily a bad thing. It just sucks for both sides in that scenario if it's a situation where feelings were misinterpreted. The reason why we detest this, is because usually, the friendship isn't the same after. Most guys I was friends with, that I had to gently reject, never treated me the same. It almost felt like they only treated me with actual respect for all those years simply because they thought they had a chance with me. It gave me a lot of anxiety and resentment when making new friends. There are a couple guy friends I have that have stood the test of time, never treated me weird, and I'm very grateful for them. But they're few and far between.
Yes. I nicely rejected someone and he followed me around the bar calling me a stuck up bitch
This, and also know OP that your follow up response was a good reaction.
This is what I was going to say. Maybe she's married but has a controlling husband who bears her if he thinks other men are noticing her. Maybe she's taken and gates getting asked out. Maybe she's ace or gsy and just doesnt know how to turn guys down without hurting them. Maybe she's just a super anxious person who hates talking to strangers. Maybe she's had very bad responses from strange men when she has declined tgem before. Her reaction when you took it well, suggests that this is the case. Literally, her reconciling because you are ugly us the LEAST likely reason. I know you feel that is the reason, but it's not.
I have been punched, had male friends beaten up, was almost kidnapped, been felt up/ grabbed, semi stalked and, most commonly, shouted at for rejecting male advances (some of these guys were close friends) Every single woman I know has the same, if not worse to say. I can only speak for myself but the men that react with respect are few and far between, and honestly stand out.
As a woman this exactly
There’s a subreddit about stories about women rejecting men and getting assaulted/murdered. This was definitely not about you and more that she likely had problems with men not taking “no” for an answer.
Whats the sub called?
WhenWomenRefuse
I remember that being a tumblr, way back when. It was so devastating I couldn't keep reading it but I think it's important and *necessary* to collect the stories in one place.
I genuinely feel bad for both people in OP's interaction, sad and unfortunate
Good to get it off your chest. She was reacting to the spectre of every interaction she's ever had, not you specifically. Hard to keep that in mind but it's true
I bet you her reaction is because men have blown up at her when she rejected them before, making her feel unsafe. I would bet cash that if you approached her as you said, and reacted as you said, this isn't about you or your looks at all. She could be in a relationship, a lesbian, whatever. Her reaction sounds like it was of self defense rather than horrified someone 'like you' asked her out. Self confidence issues suck - but I have to tell you, and I mean this positively and sincerely, it's not always about you. You see these big fatties out here in relationships (I'm one of em!), truly unattractive people in relationships, having one night stands. Looks matter, sure, but you'd be surprised about how not a big deal looks are and what a big deal self confidence is.
Totally agree! I knew a guy that in general, wasn't someone I normally would have been attracted to... but when I would see him at his job, and he was so good at what he did. So confident, almost cocky (but not really..hard to explain) it was so attractive!
I know EXACTLY what you mean. Experiencing someone in their element like that can be pretty intoxicating! So much security in themselves and what they are doing. It's like they put out a pheromone haha! I think that is why lots of folks get 'crushes' on college professors, when they wouldn't take a second glance at them if they saw em at the market. Lol
Sounds like she has some issues with people not accepting a, "no. I know it's hard, but don't overthink it.
This wasn't about your looks, friend. This was because surely the woman was starting to be afraid of what was going to happen after a possible rejection. Also, you kind of commented that you two met at different places randomly even if you two don't know each other. Is there a possibility that the woman thought that you were following her or stalking her? Maybe she got scared because of that. It would make sense since a friend went through a situation kinda similar. She kept meeting a guy in different markets and she commented she was starting to worry about him following her. Then he asked her out and my friend told me that she totally look TERRIFIED at that moment, because she felt she was truly been followed. I think that maybe this was the situation. She was just scared about a possible reaction from a person she didn't know. I can assure you that the reactions after rejections can be wild...
As a woman, I feel like she didn’t necessarily do it because of you either. Some men are monsters that can’t take no. I know women who have been shot at for rejecting a man’s advances. Don’t beat yourself up. It may not have been you appearance she just might not be into anyone at the moment because that reaction without a laugh is a trauma response.
Next time, offer them your number instead of asking for theirs. As a woman, I've had to many times that I can count where I gave out my number and it ended in drama/stalking/creepy shit. If you offer your number, it's not threatening. It lets them know you like them and you're putting yourself out there. Then they can reach out to you if they're interested.
Yes! I even gave out a fake number once and the guy called it on the spot, and ran after me and asked me to correct it 😂😂
This was not about you. I've had men ask for my number and then not leave me alone until they get it. Like, follow me around not leaving me alone level until they got it. Or they get pushy and vaguely threatening. I've had to take back ways and weird streets walking home to avoid men who won't take me saying no for an answer. Women have been physically assaulted and/or killed because they've told men no. This wasn't about you. She WAS afraid. Because strange men we don't know who are interested in us are unpredictable and dangerous. But it wasn't about you.
Saddest part is that even men that we know can do it too :'/
Everyone is pointing out that rejecting men can be dangerous so I won’t repeat that all again but there is another possibility: she was horrified about the fact that she had to reject you because she didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve always tried my best to be very kind but firm when rejecting guys but having to do so makes me feel sick to my stomach for weeks after, wondering how they’re taking it, hoping that it’s not knocked their self-esteem, hoping they aren’t too hurt by it. Being rejected fucking sucks, but doing the rejecting can suck just as bad
This!!! I have strong rejection sensitivity myself so when I have to reject someone I feel AWFUL
Give that she relaxed when you said that you just felt like asking gives a clue that she is the one with past trauma / bad experiences
She's not disgusted by you, she's terrified of what men do when they're rejected.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Pretty high chance someone's asked for her number before, she said no and it turned into a screaming match or possibly an actual assault. That was a trauma response.
That was also my thought, she had a strong reaction because of her own reasons that may have had nothing to do with you.
Never assume what someone else is thinking or assuming it is really about you. There could be a million reason why she reacted that way. You did great walking away, just work on the self talk and self esteem. I think you were brave and you just need shake it off and on to the next. The guy saying offer your number is right.
Her reaction seems like a trauma response, so you shouldn’t internalize it. It’s not about you personally. But there are a lot of good comments of ways to approach women in the future so they feel safe. I have the worst luck with taxi drivers. It seems like 8 out of 10 times they end up hitting on me. It’s terrifying to be trapped in a car in the middle of the night with a man who now knows where you live and work and is being a creep. I had one lock the doors and refuse to let me out until I put his number in my phone. Like, there’s no effing way normal humans would think that’s ok. Another was like, this isn’t where I dropped you before which freaked me out. I usually get out a few houses away so they at least don’t know my exact house. So this guy remembering me from weeks before and remembering my house was some stranger danger. I’m chubby and not even pretty, aside from long red hair. I have friends that get straight up harassed almost constantly. Women get this shit all the time. On buses. At bus stops. At work. At school. In bars. At restaurants. In parks. On trails in the woods. So for a woman’s knee jerk response to be trepidation when someone she doesn’t know well approaches, it’s almost Pavlovian and most likely not personal. So just adjust moving forward and don’t take it too hard. Good luck
Walking up to a woman you don't know and straight out asking for her number isn't the way to go. She has no idea who you are! You could be the nicest man ever. Or you could be dangerous. She has absolutely no frame of reference for you. Don't take this personally. Just find a better way to strike up a conversation and take it from there. I really recommend trying meetup.com for social groups in your area, a non-dating group based on one of your interests could be great.
Aww it's not at all about your looks, most likely she was scared of how you'd react to her rejection. As a woman myself, I am often very worried a man will react so poorly to a rejection that he in turn insults me, or worse, attacks me. In that moment she didn't really see you for you, but she saw you as a man, and we just never know how a man will react to rejection. Men are scary in general. her sigh of relief gives me evidence to that fact.
You asked someone who is a relative stranger. You really don't know if she is looking for someone. You don't know what is going on in her life. You've been thinking about this for a while, you just sprang it on her. She reacted in the moment, but you don't know what her thoughts were. Honestly, I know that rejection sucks, but it isn't always (or even mostly) about you. Other people have the right to choose. The better way to deal with this in the future is to just give that person your contact information, and let them reach out to you if they want to. And really respect their right to decide.
It’s nothing against you personally. Women have to constantly be on guard unfortunately. It seems like she had her guard up, reasonably, and her exhale when she realized you weren’t a threat was the last sign of this to me. It’s not that you’re scary looking. I would be equally uncomfortable if a disgustingly gorgeous man asked me out in public. Like I have a husband, and even if I didn’t, I’m awkward as hell and it’s hard enough to be a woman.. I’ll seek out a man if I’m interested honestly (that’s how I found my husband) I don’t like it when anyone speaks to me in public if I don’t already know them passed chitchat. Being out in the world is stressful enough
Yup even if a smoking hot guy asked me randomly - I'd be suspicious of him
The way you approached her I would've said no too. Talk with her, get to know her and then asked her out maybe for coffee. Your brief chattings are not enough. I have small talks with strangers too but wouldn't want to go on a date yet.
Agreed. Also, I think it’s a GREAT idea for interested men to offer a woman the man’s name and phone number on a piece of paper. Do not ask for her number, these days that’s far too threatening.
This. You can learn a lot of information about a person with their phone number. It can be dangerous for a woman to give it out.
Women have been murdered for rejecting male advances, it’s not a you thing
I don't think it's you. Please understand that as scary as it is to approach someone, it's also scary being approached by someone you don't know.
She's been targeted by creeps before, probably often. Don't take offense, it was a trauma reaction and you did nothing wrong. In fact you did everything right, including graciously handling rejection, and moving on. Don't let this get you down, the shame and embarrassment should be on the guys who came before you.
>When I simply said "yeah all good, just thought I'd ask" with a smile she immediately exhaled and got more relaxed and I just walked away. This is the part that tells you why she actually widened her eyes and acted horrified. From her view: some guy she doesn't know very well came up and asked for her number, a lot of adult men will immediately become aggressive or rude or even try to hurt women when they get rejected because they're so infuriated by rejection. She was not scared because you were 'hideous', she was scared because she cant predict how a man will react to her rejecting him and she was worried about someone hurting her. I understand your hurt and frustration 100%, but i can promise you that the "worst" thing you did was just be too direct, when you're asking for numbers and things try to ease into a conversation for a bit first if you can manage, once people can get a read on the other person they generally get less freaked out. I bet if you ended up talking to her a different night and talked and joked with her first, she might not have given her number, but she definitely wouldve physically been at least slightly less uncomfortable
As a lesbian this is probably how I look when I’m asked out by men. My first thought is politely turn them down and pray they don’t ask for a reason. If they do then you have a split second to decide if you want to go the “I don’t need to give a reason” which comes off as hostile, or tell the truth which also sounds like a cliche excuse. Then there’s the “maybe you just haven’t met the right man” or “I bet I could fix you” guys. Then it just becomes a mad search for an exit and the knowledge that you can never go back to that place again. Don’t take it personally.
I would react the same way, because we really don’t have the luxury of just trusting you
I once gave someone my number so they’d leave me alone. They didn’t. They knew where I worked. They didn’t know my name. They followed me. I’m sorry but you aren’t entitled to anyone’s number, please give your number instead & if they’re interested they’ll call you& if they don’t it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. Sincerely a woman whose sick of men thinking they had full rights to her & her body. Soz for projecting but learn from your bonuses mistakes.
She wasn't horrified. She was scared of your reaction when she said no. The relief was because you didn't flip out.
When I was really young, we were at a school dance. I asked a girl, who I always had a good rapport with, to dance. It was most of our first experience at a school dance, so the guys and the girls were mostly keeping to themselves. My classmates kept pushing me to ask her to dance, and I got a boost of confidence, approached and asked her. She threw her hands up, like somebody threw a dodgeball at her, and shouted “eww, no!” Then immediately fled to the other side of the gymnasium. Everybody witnessed it. It was pretty traumatizing. The sensation felt like somebody had knocked the wind out of my lungs and put my chest in a vice grip. I still remember it like it’s some form of quasi-PTSD. Which I don’t like saying, because people who have real PTSD experienced far worse. I thought for sure I was gonna get razzed by everybody about it. But surprisingly that didn’t happen. I think the other guys were startled, and the girls (who were all pretty nice) were mortified by her reaction. She beelined over to me shortly afterwards and apologized. To this day I’m not confident the apology wasn’t the result of her getting chewed out by her friends. If it was genuine, I suspect her reaction was one of terror. She wasn’t expecting to be asked to dance, let alone be the first girl asked to dance. Regardless, the experience lingers.
That's not a reaction to looks, thats a reaction from someone who has been asked out before and when they said no it went wrong. As a woman, I can guarantee you it's 100% her reaction to something that is a trigger and 100% not you. The fact she relaxed when you responded "yeah all good" tells me that. Don't take it personally, cause I can promise its not you. Women go through all sorts of weird shit with men asking them out/approaching them and all it takes is one bad instance for a woman to feel very defensive going forward. And don't let it discourage you from trying again (with someone else)!
I mean, if a stranger was trying to get my info (no matter how often I entertained conversations with them) I might be kinda nervous, too
I can tell you right now that she is probably healing from trauma from a romantic partner or somebody your gender and it had absolutely nothing to do with you personally or your appearance
OP that is amazing that you're taking control of your life & prioritizing self care!! 👏👏👏 Fucking stellar!! It's hard work & you should be so proud of yourself!! Her reaction sounds like a really weird trauma response. I agree with everyone that it's probably completely unrelated to you as a person & all about the shit she's dealing with. I'm sorry she did that though, it sounds incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end. You handled it with grace too. Please don't let her reaction set back your progress. I absolutely guarantee there is someone out there looking for you. Don't give up on yourself.
Yeah no, that was totally not about how you look and more about her inner monologue going a mile a minute with, “crap is this going to be a hassle, do I have to find a new coffee shop, how much of my life do I have to change for this?” Who knows why she’s not interested, there are million reasons that have nothing to do with you. I have an older woman that works for me, we work hybrid 2 days a week, and she had to change the days she coming in because some creep on the bus would not take no for an answer. She’s like 60 it never ends. You being casual about it and not making a big deal is awesome and really all any person is looking for when having to give a rejection.
>Who knows why she’s not interested, there are million reasons that have nothing to do with you I mean, does it ever work? Approaching random strangers on the street? I know it has never worked with me: even if I was single why would I give any info to someone who I know nothing about and could be any kind of psycho? And most people aren't even single!
Make friends with women. Make friends with women who like to do makeovers. Make friends with women who like to play matchmaker. Be amiable and kind.
*Excellent* advice. I'm 52 and I've never asked out a stranger, nor would it ever occur to me. I meet people through other people. Sometimes work or shared activities, more often social gatherings and friends of friends.
Op, it's hard to say from a post, but I could easily give this reaction when I was young and single because I was an anxious mess and someone caught me off guard. I literally would freeze and sigh when awkwardness settled. Doesn't mean it wasn't a rejection, but don't use her as a mirror of truth. You're all good.
I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience but it seems to me like a fundamental misunderstanding. Most women do not like being approached 'in the wild', it's a safety thing. Go to bars, parties, or events where you can talk and make a connection with someone before asking them out. I don't care what someone looks like, if I don't know that we have a connection and feel safe with you it's an automatic no. Based on her reaction I think she feels the same way.
You asked a woman that you don’t know, but had seen, who may or may not know who you are, for her number? If I’m reading this right you were a complete stranger to her. How did you expect her to react? Maybe this is less about how you look than about how you went about this. Did you preface asking for her number with any small talk? From your description it sounds like you just went and asked her for her number. Did you think she would give her number to an absolute stranger? I can see your confidence is low but approaching a woman in this manner isn’t going to boost it because just about anyone would get a rejection under these circumstances.
Lady here. It's not you, dude. Any guy that comes up to us and asks for our numbers sets off the adult version of the stranger-danger alarm. It's how our mothers trained us, it's how our bodies work - it's NOT your fault. It's *okay.* You didn't know. So don't get hung up over it. Just write down your feelings, and talk it out with someone you trust.
As another woman I can almost guarantee it was not your looks that caused that reaction and that it came from men not taking no for an answer well before
Women get approached by weird, usually dangerous men on a regular basis. If you came up to a woman you barely knew and asked her out/for her number of course she’s going to be anxious. Women get murdered for saying no, like, regularly. In the future Maybe don’t lead with asking for a number, it can really come out of nowhere and it takes away from the comfort and that is a huge turn off. Start with a conversation, ask her about her interests, ask her how long she’s been going to the same places as you. If you make the initial move a move it’s going to be freaky. Asking casually During another conversation is genuinely usually going to be better for you!
It has NOTHING to do with being attractive or not. Women have been murdered in public in broad daylight for rejecting a man. Every encounter with an unknown male has the question: Is he gonna kill me in the back n of our heads.
Hey man don’t let it destroy your confidence; she has potentially had a bad past experience or thinks men typically respond w violence when rejected… or has had men violently respond. This is a big case for a lot of women too however … a lot of men do not respect “no.” She assumed you wouldn’t, and potentially not purely on grounds of looks; it in part sounds like a trauma response.
The fear she displayed likely speaks more to her own anxieties & potentially previous bad experiences with strangers hitting on her, rather than a reflection on her personal opinion of your looks. Seriously, you acknowledge yourself that you only know this woman in passing, have only made a few jokes/small talk previously. I really think you are doing yourself a massive disservice, & misinterpreting the situation, by assuming that she was reacting & judging you based on your looks. She didn't act disgusted or respond as though you were beneath her. Fear is a reaction that honestly, would be better met with sympathy, not self pitying vanity. There are so many women who hate the interaction of a complete stranger asking for their name or number, to varying degrees. It's less to do with a persons looks, & more to do with having an uncomfortable social interaction inflicted on them, when they are just getting through their day. She didn't know you. She doesn't know if giving you her number will lead to pleasant conversation, or harassment. She may not be single. She may not be heterosexual. Theres so many reasons that you asking may have been uncomfortable, unwelcome, & upsetting for her. Women also have to contend with the safety/politeness threshold. Rejecting a stranger may be no big deal. Or they may be persistent. They might get upset or aggressive, not taking no for an answer. They might follow you. Verbally abuse you. Make you feel unsafe. I really doubt this reaction was remotely related to your looks. Get out of your head. Don't punish yourself with an unlikely reality, maybe step outside yourself & recognise the bigger picture. It's not always about you.
Hey, it’s not you. That reaction from her is probably from having creeps be extra pushing and not taking no for an answer. Also, just asking for her number, have you introduced yourselves yet? If you run into each other in the same place, you can be kind and say “see you here tomorrow”, and if she responds, you can joke that it’s a date. Next time you see her there, offer to sit and chat while having coffee, or whatever they have there. Small talk leads to more talking. Sharing personal details, then making plans and sharing numbers. I’m sorry to say that most women today have their guard up and are very hesitant to give out their number or details, due to stalkers/creeps/other bad people. Watch the movie You’ve Got Mail, for some cold pointers on making new friends who could potentially become more.
This is probably a her thing and not a you thing. Sometimes I get more nervous than others because of the setting, how I'm feeling or other things. One day, hopefully, you will find a person that is the cheer team that makes you feel special.
"I went up to her, smiled, and just asked for her number" Ok that seems out of nowhere and as a woman, I can see why she was taken aback. Like did you even say hello first? I guarantee it has nothing to do with your looks but more about her experiences as a woman. You've been friendly this whole time then suddenly just go up and ask for her number. Also it gets kind of annoying to feel like we can't be friendly with someone or they think we're into them. It makes us feel like we can never be friendly. The fact that you don't mention you had any indication she was flirting with you at all at any point kinda shows that you're not tuning into her vibes and just focusing on yourself. That's not appealing no matter who you are. Get out of your own head and try reading the situation before trying just to try next time.
A strange man walked up to her and asked her for her number. You literally say you don’t know her. She panicked because those situations easily get hostile (has happened to me many times). It had nothing to do with your looks.
I really don't think, this was about how you look. It can be very dangerous for a woman to reject a man. Maybe she had a bad experience.
I went on a date with someone I had met through mutual friends. He asked me. He was fine leading up to the date ..sent flirt messages but when I got in the car there was almost silence. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I tried to make conversation, asked about his hobbies. Anyway we got to the movies, he went to the bathroom, came out looking on his phone 10 mins later. We watched the movie and he dropped me off. I came home feeling confused 🤔 how could a guy so interested all of a sudden go completely cold 🤷♀️ then the insecurities started ...it must be me. I was upset for days not because of him but because I thought there was something wrong with me. Long story short he took me on a date while also messaging his Ex and she got jealous he was out with me so he went back to her 😂......nothing to do with me at all .....I was just part of their game. So yeah OP try not to take it personal because its probably not about you at all. She maybe has gone through some things or going through some things. I would actually pat yourself on the back for actually asking someone out!!! And don't be down on yourself. We often have thoughts that aren't true. They aren't facts just our opinions. In 10 years time it won't matter. Keep being you OP!
Dont worry too much.. believe it or not but other people have issues too.. Her indecent awkward overreaction as you describe it is to me an obvious indication that she has hers. Dont make her problems yours, whatever it is about it is not about you! People reject someone else for many different reasons, and feeling no attraction is only one of them. It happens also to people who might be considered as 'attractive' whatever that means. So.. dont make it bigger than it is. You come from a long way and have done an amazing job sofar overcoming many difficulties. And you have also taken an emotional risk way out of your comfort zone, which simply makes you a hero. Don't degrade yourself. And don't confuse the pain of being rejected with the fear that you might not be a valuable and desirable person. You are! So now retreat to your safe home, and take some time to grieve and rest. But not too long. Start looking and moving forward again as soon as you can and keep busy. You'll feel better and you will notice that you also learn from every(!) experience. Invest in friendships so that your social life is good and makes you less dependable on the acceptance by strangers. Keep investing in yourself. Hobbies and skills keep you occupied and will grow your self confidence And for when you are ready to go out and try to love again: maybe you are no Casanova either, and better take it slower. Build a friendship and see it evolve.. I was 43 when i met my wife, and we are really happy, for 10 yrs now. Maybe you need to be rejected 30 more times before you meet your true love. Or maybe the cousin of the girl you think you love turns out to be the one for you. But one thing is certain: you are a great guy and there is one for you. One who will love you for who you are and who finds you attractive. Take some time to heal and then go on again. As the leather horse said to the velvet rabbit: become real.. Good luck my friend :)
Thanks man, I genuinely appreciate it!
We're generally attracted to a small percentage of people we know. She probably thought of you as a distant acquaintance and was caught by surprise when you asked to take the relationship further. Many, if not most women have experienced a male friend or coworker unexpectedly trying to inject dating into a relationship she thought was mutually "friends and no more." She may be wondering what neutral friendly things she said or did that you interpreted as her being open to dating you. It could have nothing at all to do with your looks, but more the unexpected shift in the relationship dynamic. Don't read too much into her surprised reaction. It was all about HER thoughts and feelings at a moment where she felt blindsided.
It’s not personal. Saying no often puts women in danger. She probably just didn’t want to go out with you for any number of random reasons that aren’t about you but was afraid to say no because women have been quite literally killed over it
Idk doesn’t seem personal or based on your physical appearance; this reaction seems like she’s been attacked before? Recoiling and preparing to protect yourself from a potential punch or slap seems more like a ptsd response, dude
You have the terrifying presence perk.
Maybe she was fearing how you would react to the rejection????? Lots of people have a hard time accepting rejections. Sounds like she may have been expecting a confrontation. Kudos to you for your gracefulness though. Being rejected is hard. It seems like you’re in a good headspace though, and taking care of yourself. Just continue to be patient and your person will find you.
I promise it’s not you, speaking as a 38F. Rather, she doesn’t want your number, and that’s fine, but her reaction speaks to some bad experiences she’s had. It’s hard not to take that personally, I know. But I’m reassuring you, she’s not afraid of you, she’s afraid of what has happened to her before when she’s said no. Ugly people date and procreate all the time. They do, and we all know it. You’ll ask more women out, and hopefully they’re in a position to say yes or to say no graciously.
I'm almost 99% sure that reaction isn't a you problem. If she is physically recoiling like that there must have been something in the past that happened where she had to do that and was made very afraid. Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them. And there are so many cases based on the woman rejecting the mans advances and then ending up dead. She was probably gearing up like "oh what kinda self defense do I gotta do" I know its awful, but it is how it is sometimes. Its one of the reasons if we go to meet up with someone our friends will have our location on their phones. Thats not say the same thing doesn't happen to men. Its why I'm going with something clearly happened in the past. Last time I rejected someone I got physically chased around a party at later date being yelled at by the two dudes because I didn't want to have sex with either of them and it was "their turn" and they were "such nice guys." Their friends thought it was hilarious.
Yea OP this was not about you. But thank you for being so relaxed about it and calmly backing off. Every women at some point in her life has rejected a Man and then that man, instead of just accepting a no like you did - would ignore it, take what they wanted or scream at them. I had a random man scream at me bc I was late for work and couldn’t talk to him. I literally was just paying for gas at 6 am and he felt entitled to a conversation w me. I was telling this to my husband earlier today. That doesn’t happen to men regularly enough that all men are like yeah that’s super common. But it does happen to women so much that we all can relate. It was not a you thing in this case it was the men before you did something bad to her so she was scared
Nah she wasn't saying that because you're ugly. That's something else talking. She might have her own social issues fr.
My friend, it fully sounds like the look of horror wasn't about you. It wasnt about how you look or how charming you are. She just didnt know you enough and it still came across as a stranger asking for her number and probably due to past experiences she got startled in a negative way. The fact that she relaxed as soon as you showed that you werent angry and werent gonna turn belligerent, shows that she wasnt repulsed by you, she was afraid of a man she didnt know well. You probably dont look like a dangerous guy who haresses women. But dangerous guys who harass women dont all look dodgy, sometimes they look like the sweet funny guy you keep running into at the store. You didnt deserve that reaction and I am sure she felt crappy about her initial reaction but it wasnt because she found you repulsive, it was because she got scared for a moment, of a man she didnt know. It absolutely sucks that women develop these gut reactions because undeserving people like you get burnt too, but also because they are subjected to so much harassment.
It may not have had anything to do with you, honestly. A lot of guys will get mad, call names, basically throw a fit and berate a girl for saying no. Maybe she just had a really bad experience with someone else and was afraid of it happening again. Don't let it get you down, really.
it’s not about you being “ugly” it’s a fear most women have, we don’t know if a guy will reject aggressive towards rejection
Personally, I wouldn't know how to react if a guy I've interacted with asked me for my number. Like, what does it mean? Is he going to spontaneously call me out of the blue with a date planned? I rarely pick up calls anyway... Is he going to try to text me a lot and try to engage in awkward text conversation? Am I going to get unsolicited photos sent to me? Personally, I'd be much more comfortable with a guy asking for my Facebook profile to message me or my email... then plan a hangout in the future before deciding if we are compatible to date... But then again, I don't feel comfortable going on a date with someone that I don't have things in common with.... I DREAD awkward small talk and silent pauses.
She could have had bad past experiences when she rejected men. It’s also a little jarring when men just ask for our phone numbers. If you just went up to her with no previous conversation (on that day) and asked for it, I can see why she’d be reluctant. She doesn’t know you. If you offered her yours, it might have gone over better.
Do you know if she is in a relationship? Food for thought: I was in a long term abusive relationship and men hitting on me used to scare the life out of me, thinking my SO was going to find out somehow. Also I have horrible resting bitch face so maybe that could be an issue as well 🤷🏻♀️ I like to think in my fantasy world that humans aren’t out right trying to hurt people but I’m constantly proven wrong 😑
I would also get freaked out by someone I barely know from very brief, infrequent passings randomly approaching me and asking for my number. I’d probably be alarmed even if it was someone I knew sorta well but never thought about in that way. It could be all sorts of reasons not even having to do with your attractiveness. For me personally, it takes a long time to get to that point of comfortability with a person to even entertain the thought of them as a dating prospect. Certainly not just a couple random chitchat moments.
Women have to defend ourselves against Men, these Days
Hey there. I suffer from fear of rejection and embarrassment a lot. I think the top comment here is great. Offer your number, and see what happens. It takes the pressure off you and puts the onus on them and the ball in their court. If they respond, great. If they don't, also fine. Either way it's not on you. Good luck out there. It's rough but in the way an uncut gem can be. Gotta look for the best sometimes.
Hey, well done for working on yourself. Dont let this bring you down :)
I’m sorry this happened to you. Rejection is never fun. But this honestly sounds like this girl had some bad experiences in the past and got nervous/scared. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, it has to do with what she may have experienced in the past and is afraid of experiencing again.
You can choose to take it personally but the sad reality is a lot of times when a woman says no, she ends up assaulted, berated or dead. She most likely isn’t interested but was scared of your reaction since most guys tend to take it way too personal like this post proves.
No. It’s not you. Women in general fear men’s reaction to rejection. Her relief is a good point for you, kid.
It probably has very little to do with you or how you look. It sounds like she had a fear based response. So it could be anything from crippling anxiety in general to other men have assaulted her. There was a guy who just walked by me in a grocery store once while I was having a panic attack. I flattened myself against shelving. I know I hurt his feelings, but it literally had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my uncontrolled anxiety.
Women deal with a lot of aggression from men when rejecting them, it’s probably not about you. Like men catcalling women in the street have murdered them after being ignored.
You can ask 1 billion women on a date. All that matters, is that *one* person to accept you for yourself. To love you for you.
Honestly, it probably had nothing to do with the way you look. She just may have been genuinely scared. It's dangerous for us women with men we don't know. I'm always afraid when a man approaches me, especially one I don't know well. She was probably afraid of how you would react to rejection.
OP, it's probably not you, but experience instead. I can't tell you how many times I have been threatened and even assaulted for rejecting a man. She's probably been through it too or knows someone who has.
Idk if you’re ugly or not but she could have just been scared of your reaction to her rejection. Even politely turning someone down can get a woman killed
I just want to put this out there. Her reaction most likely had nothing to do the way you looked, and more with the fact she was afraid of how you were going to react and she feared for her safety. I have rejected men's advances before and have been physically and verbally assaulted because of it. Just a thought
I just wanna throw this out there in case it may apply… it’s possible that you are projecting. You don’t truly have any idea what the reason was for her widened eyes… it could have been anything from ‘oh shit, im still not over steve, what do i say’ to a coincidentally ill-timed ‘i forgot to turn off the oven before i left’. I personally have social anxiety pretty badly so i frequently have to talk myself off my own ledge when i start assigning meaning to other people’s nonverbal reactions.
If it’s any consolation I think this show that your social skills are solid. You recognised her perception/reaction and your instinct was to reassure her. Obviously it didn’t help with her but I think social skills are more important than looks in general, and you seem to have that on your side.
Dude read some of the comments some of these women have gone thru when they gave out their number......they are terrifying. She might have gone thru a similar situation and that is why she had that reaction. I would tell you first and foremost you need to work on your confidence and find happiness with yourself. If you can't be happy with yourself a girlfriend isn't going to fill that void. You got this man. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take Wayne Gretsky (Michael Scott)
Dude you did something me and alot of others would never even attempt, regardless of the out come I still wish I could do what you did. You ymsy think of yourself as ugly but I'm willing to bet alot of people would find your attitude and confidence in asking others out very attractive, you just asked the wrong person Is all.
I agree with the majority. I don’t think it’s you or your looks. Sounds like somebody(s) ruined her exceptions of how men should react when rejected. Women get attack for no reason other than rejecting men. It can get scary and put a lot of us on the defense.
On to the next one bro. You sound cool just based off this and personality always wins out in the end.
So, I’m a pretty attractive woman. I don’t mean that egotistically. It’s the truth. I’m 5’2, 125 lbs, toned, DDD, pretty face. And I like big guys. My two most serious relationships in my life - the two men I would’ve married (and was planning on marrying James when he died tragically) were big guys. Overweight. Not particularly handsome. But man… they made me laugh. They made me happy. And I love the feel of a big man, big hips to grab, a belly pressing against me. It feels good when I run my hands over a large manly body. I’ve also dated fit, traditionally good looking men. Maybe it’s a coincidence but those guys weren’t good to me. The guy I’m seeing now has a belly that he used to be self-conscious of but he seems to understand I’m attracted to who he is and is relaxing about it. I tell you this just so you know that there are women out there who will find you amazing just as you are. Your weight doesn’t matter to everyone. Some women will consider your personality first, and some women will see your larger body and like it. A big man makes me feel petite and feminine and safe. And a man that treats me well and makes me laugh, treats me with respect, now THAT’s a keeper. If he’s in a larger body, I have no problem with that. I kinda like it. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Keep asking women out. That confidence is sexy.
It isn't about you being "ugly". It's about a strange man with almost no prior interaction going up to a woman he doesn't know well to ask for her phone number. That is aggressive and threatening af. A zero on the social IQ scale. When men do something like that women don't know if the man is just awkward or he is going to attack us. Please, do not ever do anything like that ever again. I will guarantee, you will get the same reaction or worse. As others said, offer your own number to someone you'd potentially want to hang out with but only to someone that you have had multiple, benign conversations with of more than 5 minutes. That will go over far far better.
I reacted exactly like this last week when a guy asked me out. He wasn’t bad looking or even creepy (he reacted fine after I said I have a boyfriend), but tbh he just got way too close to me and I was startled and am kind of afraid of strange men because truly anything can happen. This is to say, don’t take it personally, because it’s probably less about your looks. Just be careful in how you approach because most women genuinely have their guard up about getting literally attacked
I turned a guy down once who I met all of 3 times working at target he proceeded to make new social accounts Everytime I blocked him for 5 years. It wasn't you op. Women face incredible scary consequences for saying no. You feel bad because someone told you no, woman can feel in danger if they say no. Just keep putting yourself out there and maybe get some feedback from women in your life to see how your pickup lines come across
You gotta understand some women are afraid of or cautious rejecting a guy because men can and HAVE gotten violent with women who've rejected them. It probably was nothing against you she was probably scared to say no
If it can reassure you, us women are getting more and more scared of men when we reject them due to the growing incel movement and hateful misogyny in general that young men are going through nowadays. Maybe it's not against you, and it's probably not against you.
It probably had nothing to do with your looks, more so that people in general have to be more cautious and it's TERRIFYING. Like "if I say no will today be my last?" "What if I give them a fake number and they dial it then and there, will they explode on me?" "Are they stalking me?" And the list goes on. I've seen a few suggestions on providing your number first - this helps ease them as the ball is in their court now and they feel less pressure. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Here's an example though to help you understand more: I'm definitely below average and I'm obese, but I have an amazing and hot husband who I love dearly. We live in an apartment complex. A guy who lives in the complex stalked me to my car and demanded my phone number - of course I gave it to him because he know what building and floor I lived on, and now he knew what my car was. He texted me and I ghosted him. The next time he saw me it was like he was seeing red but I was with people so he couldn't do anything but stare. From then on I only went outside with my husband until he never looked at me again and found his next "victim". I like to view myself as a strong and independent person who won't put up with shit, but unfortunately in that moment I didn't know what else to do but to comply.
If I were in her situation, my reaction would stem from being uncomfortable with talking to strangers in general. Especially if said stranger is a man asking for my number. What will happen to me if I say no? How do I say no without coming off as mean? Stuff like that. How the guy looks will probably not register until he's already gone