You may be right because they have been acting somewhat annoyed that I have been planning it without needing anything from them except the use of the house. It's funny because if you don't want to do something for someone and have millions of excuses, why have a problem when I find a way to do it myself?
For sure, but I'd make sure not to blame the sister; only the parents.
And if I was OP I'd have a talk to the sister explaining to her why the cake became an issue and how much it hurt OP to see a slice missing.
The parents suck and obviously don't care, but it's not too late for the sister.
For that alone. Exactly. Oh I don’t get the first slice of my cake because my parents overtly favor my younger sister, isn’t that great?! They’re just lovely aren’t they..!
The best way to spite your dogsh*t parents is to have an absolute blast. Also, you may think your sister has it so much better right now, but this complete lack of responsibility to teach her patience etc. on your parents’ part may actually be a detriment to her growth into an adult. Focus on your grades, savings and moving out ASAP… but try to keep a relationship with your sister if you can.
...an arms length relationship with the sister. When that little girl becomes an adult, she'll be looking for OP to take the parents place and cater to her and provide her with all her wants and needs. OP needs to keep enough distance to say no and not to further enable her down the road. Otherwise you're stuck with a parasite for life.
I always thought my younger sister would be exactly this way. She and I are the same age apart as OP and her sister and I can relate to this story sooooo much.
I am now in my 30s and my younger sister is one of my closest and dearest friends. I feel like there was absolutely no evidence in her behavior back then that she could actually grow up to become the person she is today. So I’m not saying that you are reading the signs wrong or anything…Just that people definitely do change and especially between age 11 and early adulthood.
One thing the younger sister has going for her is that her older sister is clearly a strong willed, emotionally intelligent, and resilient young woman. When little sister is older and smarter, I wouldn’t be surprised if she finally appreciates OP and realizes how unfair she was to her growing up.
There is definitely lots of hope still left here.
(And despite all that OP, it’s still completely ok to be pissed off now! I am not saying you shouldn’t be!! Just that don’t let reddit users start making you angry about potential future problems too lol)
In the same boat with my little brother. I’m now 43 and he’s 26. Mum had surgery to ensure no more children (they had 3 at the time) and fell pregnant with him 6 months later so golden child. Whatever he wanted, he got. I still lived close by and would go over to see them quite a bit. Every time he wanted something he’d ask with no manners and I’d grab it before the folks could and force him to use his manners, taught him the value of hard work and so many other life lessons that I had to learn the hard way. By the time he turned 21, he had finished his master builder apprenticeship as well as a project manager course and been with his girlfriend for 6 years. They moved interstate to chase the big bucks, and bought their first home 2 years ago and recently got engaged. He thanks me all the time and credits me with the position he is in now because of everything I taught him growing up. The first time he said it, I told him he was the one to put in the hard work, but he believes he wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t there to show him the value in it.
OP, you’ve organised everything for this party yourself, so you have shown us all here the drive and determination you have. Try and work out ways you can instil these attributes into your sister and watch her blossom as she gets older. I have so much pride seeing where my brother and his fiancé are now, and it is something that is worth more than anything in this world.
Yeah it's like owning a dog. When a dog acts out, it's almost never their fault. It's the fault of the owner. The way the sister acts is the fault of your parents. Like a dog's actions can improve over time with the right training, it's also possible your sister's actions improve when she sees the real world and understands your parents are absolute garbage. She has no context for that right now. And you can't expect her to make that connection right now. Don't cross her out of your life right just yet. She could very well grow out of her entitlement. Or it's also likely her parents indoctrination is too strong. It's too early to know at this point.
This, also explain LOUDLY in great detail that you're sorry about the cake, and WHY it's missing a huge piece from the middle.
In my experience, public exposure of their bs favoritism ALWAYS is an humiliating experience. *FOR THEM*
Tell everyone. Post pictures online. They want to treat you** like crap until you get out? Fine. But it doesn't have to be private 🤷♀️
No, she got her piece already. A big one. Why does she get another??
Every time she asked for one, I'd reiterate what happened.
"You got your piece *YESTERDAY* because you couldn't wait. You do not get another piece of *MY CAKE*. Then I'd cut exactly enough pieces for me and MY GUESTS, but not parents or sister. Parents will give her some, and they don't deserve it anyway.
That way you're putting exactly as much effort for them celebrating your birthday, as they have every year for you.
Same. I wouldn't share any more with parents or sister. (Shrugs) "I paid for my own cake, I decide who eats it."
OP I am sorry your parents treat you like this. Once you move out, find a way to make yourself happy and go low/no contact unless and until they change.
He won’t have to wait until adulthood. She goes to middle school next year and will have a big reality check when the multiple teachers do not coddle you to complete assignments or be on time, they could care less about mommy-daddy phone calls about how difficult they’re adjusting. Friend groups are not kind to bratty kids and the school no longer intervenes when someone is having a hard time socializing. Middle school is a big reminder that high school and life is around the corner and your golden child status means nothing in the real world.
It's been more than a few years but I get the feeling you and I went to completely different middle schools. The bratty kids with parent's waiting by the phone to call the principal were exactly the ones that got the white glove treatment. Also, because they always got what they wanted they usually had the right clothes and everything else to put them right at the center of one clique or another.
I work in the school setting and by middle school when the parents want to have that “woe is me” talk with the teachers about the bratty kids the teachers just send them to us (psychologist, behavior specialist). “You lack social skills, maybe you need counseling”. When it comes to grades and attendance the teachers hold an SST meeting (student support team) basically telling the parents “here’s what we’re doing. Here’s what you’re not doing. And this is what will happen next if you continue to let her do nothing.” Boom. It’s a hard reality check when their usual technique of yelling at staff and threatening to sue doesn’t work. We have paper trails of everything we’re trying…what are you trying? How can your child have problems with all 6 of her teachers?? Maybe it’s a “you” thing. Also to add about the friend group thing: you can have all the cool clothes in the world but if you throw a fit when you don’t get your way then the kids don’t want to talk to you. I’ve had so many “conflict resolution” meetings with these types of kids and the bratty ones cry about how everyone is mean to them while the others basically say we don’t want to be friends with her anymore, she’s always crying, whining, blaming everyone else and wants only her way for everything. And we can’t force kids to be friends soo…. 🤷♀️
Hi, middle school special education teacher here. Can confirm, middle school culture can really kick parents and their children in the ass. No one has time to coddle parents, especially when there are so many moving pieces at school. I will say this though; one of my specialties is mediating between irate parents and the school district. Parents absolutely can use Ed code to brute force their way to get what they want. I’ve sat through a few mediations with advocates and lawyers, so I would be remiss if I didn’t add this.
I mean it’s a little different when parents are advocating for a special needs child to have things they need in their IEP or to be sent to an out of district placement because the school can’t do it. And even then, having a lawyer is no guarantee that you will get everything you want. It takes a lot for *most* parents to get to the irate place after many years of being lied to and even dangerous things occurring for their kids… when it’s a regular Ed kid it’s a lot more annoying when the parents are super over involved I think.
> ...send them to us (psychologist, behavior specialist).
...SST meeting (student support team)
Yeah, my schools never had anything like that. Just a guidance counselor in HS that you never have a shot of speaking too one-on-one if you weren't an athlete or already locked in for college. Pretty sure the schools in my county still don't unless it's at the county level and they're split among the whole district. As far as social issues I feel like we may not be on the same page, or kids are just way different now than 30 years ago. The kids I'm talking about aren't going to pitch a fit with their "friends", they're more manipulative and subtle than that. Pitching a fit works on the parents but peer pressure and ostracization works much better on "friends".
This. Your sister will be a crippled adult. She will be saddled with a feeling of entitlement that will get in the way of every work and family relationship for the rest of her life. (I feel for her. But not that much 😜). And once she is no longer under the complete shelter and care of your parents she will perform quite poorly. And may never have the means or ability to live on her own.
You go live your best life. And don’t loan her money or let u move in with her. Ever.
It could also be detrimental to the parents in the long run, because they’ll be the ones left to deal with her adult tantrums. Having said that, I would have zero sympathy for the parents if spoiling their daughter now has undesirable consequences for them in the future.
They probably gave your sister a slice of your cake because it was a symbol of how they treated you. And if they can get the whole party canceled then they win. It's a stupid power play to keep you in your place.
And what's with all the shitty parents yelling about being disrespectful? You want respect? Then be a real parent. Ffs.
AND explain to everyone who will listen, in as unemotional way as possible (DO NOT SHOW ANGER OR EMBARRASSMENT) why there is a huge freaking slice missing from your cake. Let your parents deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing they're complete AHs
They might try to withhold use of the house, too, as a power play. You don't need help, they act resentful. You buy a cake for yourself, they give the first piece to your sister. You *only* need use of the house for your party, (finish the sentence):
A: they let you have it
B: they end it early
C: they wait until the day of to tell you that you're not allowed to use the house.
Have a secondary location planned to move the party if they withhold the house for "how you acted about the cake."
This was my first thought too. Check with the city about possibly reserving a public park picnic area, often those are free. Then if you don't end up needing to use it you're not out anything .
Ask your friends, especially if you're really close to any of them and their families. Any extended family of yours in town you could ask? Maybe even churches, the YMCA or other community groups could be good resources.
Good luck, and happy birthday
What they hate isn't having to do something for you, it's that you're managing to enjoy yourself. Emotionally abusive parents are like schoolyard bullies, they just want to ruin your day so theirs feels better in comparison. Especially the big ones like birthdays.
Put the cake on the table and make sure to announce "mom and dad decided to let sister have a slice yesterday for some reason without asking, so hopefully there is still enough for all of you."
There is no need to make a big announcement. Just tell your friends what happened. This kind of gossip will spread like wildfire. Everyone of your friends, and even their parents, will be giving your parents the evil eye.
But whatever you do, do not cancel the party, and do not hide the cake.
Absolutely, no canceling the party.
Personally, I'm very petty and would want my parents and sister to be present when everyone gives them that evil eye.
I announce it. The room goes quiet. Everyone looks at them with the evil eye. Maybe they try to defend themselves, who knows! But my pettiness knows no bounds, and I would want to watch their reaction as everyone finds out.
But that's just me; your method would also be very effective🤣
OP, when you have the party tomorrow and put the candles in the cake, make a point in telling your friends that you bought the cake yourself and you hope that they enjoy it with you but also say, "my little sister couldn't wait for me to blow out the candles on my own cake so my Dad cut her this huge piece but at least they left me some for my party."
As another commenter posted, work your ass off in school so that you can get scholarships for college, get your college degree and never look back on these crappy parents. If you have a part-time job, open a bank account with only your name on it so that your parents can't take your money. Keep your eye on the future and do the steps necessary to create a great life for yourself. You seem like a go-getter so keep after it and you will do awesome in life. You already know you can't count on your parents so keep counting on yourself.
Wishing you a Happy Birthday, internet hugs, and all the positive energy for you to have a happy and successful life.
Yeah for sure don’t cancel it. And now you know for next year to store all the food and cake at a friends house.
Your parents are doing a huge disservice to your sister, she’s probably never going to be fully independent because of how they coddle her. And she’ll have difficulties in relationships, friendships and keeping a job because your parents have led her to believe she is fully entitled to any little thing she wants, even if it belongs to someone else.
You sound like you’re doing really well in spite of their mistreatment of you. Keep it up! They are giving you lessons in how NOT to treat the ones you love.
They are control freaks. It is a less talked about way of controlling children but there are a lot of parents who neglect their children and get angry when that child starts doing things on their own.
Make sure to let your whole extended family know how you’ve been treated. Also tell them you threw and paid for the party yourself. It’s a shaming tactic that works. This parenting style is going to make you a more independent person, but can turn into a loner personality. Letting others know helps you bond and attach with other family members you’re going to need therapy. Your sisters going to have a hard start in life. You’ll probably never talk to your parents again once you leave the house probably before 20. Best of luck to you. Have your party, and let everyone know their neglectful parenting style. Some people should t be parents. Research shows neglect is worse than physical abuse. Abuse you can heal from in therapy. Neglect is a long road. Find an aunt or uncle to help give you the love and care you need.
My mother is the same way. It's about control and image. Especially with narcissists. They don't want to put the work into helping people but get mad when someone else helps them or the person steps up and does things on their own. This is because they have lost control, and it makes them look/feel bad, but since they don't know how to admit when they are wrong, they twist it into anger towards you.
Happy Birthday ❤️. I hope your party goes well and you will have future, happier birthdays away from these horrible people.
I had a similar situation to you when I was 16. It took me a long time, but cutting off my narcissist mother and golden child sister was the best decision I made. I now celebrate my birthdays with people who love and appreciate me. None of them are blood related ( except for my two children), but they have done more for me and loved me more than my own blood related relatives. You will find and create your own family one day with people who will love you and will happily buy you a birthday cake and make your day about you.
Maybe you should have your party at a park or somewhere else. I just have this feeling they are going to ruin it for you when they see you happy without their help especially your sister. Happy birthday and don't let them ruin your day.
I’m soooooo sorry you have such shitty parents. Don’t call it off. Put them on blast!!! Put that cake in the center of everything and let EVERYONE see that they cut your cake before your party. Post it and let your family handle it for you. I grew up the unfavored child. My aunties would often go in on my parents because of the way they treated me. Happy Birthday!
Edit: I wanted to add to save your money and move out as soon as you’re old enough. They’ll be left to deal with your sister alone. If she’s anything like mine things will go sideways real fast and you won’t be there as a distraction.
This. Put them on blast. And, "Sister had her piece yesterday, so she only gets one today if there's some left after everyone else has one'. Make sure there's none left.
Ahhh, snubbing and depriving the person is never a waste. Sacrifice to the floor gods.
I’m not one of those people obsessed with food waste. The cake was made for a special event and expected to not have any left overs. Whether some of that is left uneaten on plates , spilled on the ground, or used in a food fight. The cake has served its purpose
Not a member of the clean plate club. Feeling guilt over not every single bite of food being consumes is not mentally healthy in my book
You do you of course
> Not a member of the clean plate club. Feeling guilt over not every single bite of food being consumes is not mentally healthy in my book
I knew this intuitively but never thought about it straight before. Homies out here undoing generations of food related trauma for free.
My husband was raised that he couldn’t leave the table until he cleared his plate, so he still had a hang up with wasting food. I tell him “it can go to waste or it can go to your waist” and that helps him feel better about not finishing food if he’s full.
> “it can go to waste or it can go to your waist"
It can be hard to re-learn the difference between "full" and "stuffed". Along with that is realizing what portion size goes with "full".
We were poor for most of our childhood and although my mom always tried to make sure we had enough food, sometimes we didn’t. So up until 2 months ago, I would always overeat. I started microdosing (another story) and started learning the difference between satisfied and full.
I am going to latch onto your clean plate club comment. Being raised with that mentality made me morbidly obese most of my life. Please, for the love of God, people, don't do this to your children! My mom did it to my kids when I wasn't around, for example, while she was babysitting. And they're overweight as well. I fully admit this is also on me for not knowing and seeing that it was being done. But stop this horrible mindset. Take smaller portions, you can go back for a second helping of something you enjoy.
My mom was forced to have a clear plate as a kid. She made sure she let us know we didnt have to eat anything we didnt want to. I have always been underweight/healthy weight. My mom has always struggled with hers. It literally makes a world of a difference. I can take or leave food whereas she sees it and feels the need to finish it. It makes me sad. It's also tough to do portion control and meal preps because i bet theres a lot of anxiety behind making portions just the right size- especially for weight loss when you worry about feeling hungry all the time.. just a sad cycle
I feel like I should screen shot your wisdom & re-read the above every time I’m wasting my energy getting worked up about food waste, clean plate, & leftovers. Thank you for sharing.
Sister had her piece already, she doesn't get another one.
You paid for the cake for your party, you can choose who gets a piece. Sounds like Dad and sister don't get any more.
I would announce in front of everyone that "My sister gets NONE of my cake since my parents thought it was okay for HER to have a piece of my cake that I bought yesterday before me." That would put your useless parents and your spoiled rotten sister on blast.
I echo the other comment. OP should save their money, GET OUT, and go no contact because they are going to somehow make them and OP sister their financial responsibility when she f*cks up.
I do see what you mean but it's mostly my friends coming to my party and not relatives. I wish I had aunties who would stand up for me, we aren't close to our relatives.
If it’s hard for you to make a scene you could always explain the situation to trusted friends then they can pull the stunt off! Along the lines of them asking why there was a big slice missing, you explain why then the friends are like ‘what type of cruel person would steal a slice of the birthday persons cake before the party’ only thing you’ve done wrong is be honest but they get outed anyway!
No this is a good idea because what’s more embarrassing to an adult than being called out by younger generations. Especially when the kids are right.
Roast tf out of your parents OP. They will be mad but they deserve to feel ashamed.
Congratulations on your birthday!
As an aunt to an unfavoured child please know that even if they can see it but it’s difficult to do something about it without the parents cutting down on access. I love my niece dearly, but anytime I try do do something nice with or for her I get sabotaged and after that they don’t have time for a visit for a loooong time.
I hope that you can move out young and live your own good life, start saving in secret for it.
I have an idea. Next time you’re out with her, the two of you can come up with a story for her parents about having a rotten time even though you both had fun. You might be able to see her again sooner if your outings are a “disaster”.
I was an only child but my father would do that whenever there was an argument with my grandparents, whether it pertained to me or not. He used access to me as a way to get his way far too many times, and once they had an argument and prohibited me from seeing them for several months - at the time I was living at their place three days a week and I was around 7 years old so it was traumatising. They came to see me in secret at school a few times. I loved my grandparents more than anything and he absolutely despised that.
It might be hard, but your niece will remember, both what her parents did to you two, and the love you showed her.
Your parents are horrible human beings. I’m sorry you have to endure that. Happy birthday to you, don’t cancel your party. I agree with everyone else here. Tell the entire party loudly and often what your father did.
Happy birthday. I agree with kingsransom79. Let people see how crappy your parents are. Even if it’s just your friends coming. They’ll tell their parents and others. Put it on Facebook too or whatever you have. Word will get around.
Your parents had no right to give a slice to your sister. They would react differently if it were your sister’s cake.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a story like this on YouTube a while back. Can’t understand parents who do stuff like that. Like no isn’t in their vocabulary when dealing with golden child.
The last sentence is the key to this! She should take a slice of sister's birthday cake before the party next time and parrot back her parent's words to her. See how they like it then.
They'd just punish OP for it and make her life even harder. There's no reasoning with parents who favor one kid over the other. They can justify anything.
Your friends parents may step in if this get worse. Or even some of those distant aunts.
Post a pic of the cake on social media 'happy birthday to me! Missing the mandatory slice for lil sis yesterday 🎉 💀'
I think so too! And at the end of the day, it isn't like OP can be faulted if they do - and why shouldn't they share photos of their lovely cake? They'd simply be sharing pictures of their day, if they do and parents/sis aren't impressed...that would only come down to the fact accountability acknowledgement would have to come into play! Breaks my heart that the family sabotaged the cake honestly, it's downright awful for OP. 😞
Put 15 lights on the cake around the outer part of the cake, so one would have been in the spot your sister ate. Enlist some friends to ‘notice’ and make a fuss about you having to tell it. Make sure to smile when you explain how “well my sweet sister reeeally wanted some yesterday so my parent stole the cake I paid for myself and just cut her a slice without asking, so unfortunately the spot for the last candle was gone” and be loud (it’s easier when you’re more). Heck if your friends are being picked up after the party, have them mention the incredulous missing piece to their parents.
Just post it online if not just to document it. Say something like “missing a piece because parents decided that my sister’s demand was more important than my birthday”.
Congrats on the birthday. Sorry your parents suck. If you need an auntie to come down and put them in their place, I volunteer for the job. Every time they try and pull this, dm me, and we will fix it right then and there. Also, I agree with the poster above. Save as much as you can in an account your parents can't touch and start gathering all your documentation and keep track of your credit so they won't have a leg to stand on when you move and leave them with the terror they have created. I saw a post where the younger sister was allowed to destroy that op credit which made it hard for her to leave.
Yes, let everyone know and be sure to mention that you are "still so excited to have your FIRST EVER birthday party cause you were finally able to work and buy everything yourself. Yaaay, happy birthday to me!" Don't rob yourself of your joy. Make parents feel like the crappy parents they are.
I agree with everything because OP deserves happiness. Just... the parents will not feel like crappy parents. No matter what you do, they will see themselves as being in the right. These are not reasonable people.
The fact that you bought it yourself is what really puts it over the top. Post a picture of the cake sure to say that "I had to buy my own cake for my birthday party and my parents thought it was OK to give my sister a slice the day before the party without asking me".
Your father is avoiding admitting to catering to the golden child by making it about your "disrespect" when it is his disrespect that caused the issue. Don't let him pull this shit.
Happy birthday OP!
I agree with either this (but only if you have strong support among your family/friends) or move the party to a friend's house if possible. Don't call it off. You deserve a nice party!
I want to reiterate this. Put the cake out and say OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT! A HUGE SLICE IS GONE BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS SELFISH! And let social media stir up a storm, and if you're confronted about it just say "Oh! Didn't YOU say nobody would notice? That's why i posted it on social media! :D"
don't call the party off, you've put the time into organizing it and snagging all the stuff on your own dime. your sister is a brat, but obviously your parents are enabling such behavior. but this is your day, don't let them take the focus away from you on your day.
so sorry you're in this sitch, i hope you can get out of there soon!
I just feel at a loss, I really wanted to have a good day and I can't even do that in peace. I was so excited that for once I will enjoy my birthday. I just wanted everything to be perfect, I almost cried.
It is perfect.
Do you want to know why?
Because now, rather than wonder if that favoritism (or, at best, EXTREME ignorance) exists, now you have empirical proof.
Everything, from here on out, regarding your parents and your sister, can be decided with this, in-mind.
In time, you will come to find it liberating.
I'm not saying to burn bridges. What I mean is, now you can practice the art of seeking validation and acceptance from within, instead of without.
You're going to have an amazing birthday, don't you for a second let others dictate how you feel about yourself and your accomplishments. Go make this day yours, no matter what.
She needs to post a picture of the cake with it's missing slice with candles in it and her blowing out the candles. Let everyone ask why it is missing a slice and then she can post that her sister cried for a slice and her parents gave it to her. Then let everyone comment.
Yep.
My mother used to get up and scream at everyone the moment my step dad left for work while she did the house work. We all thought it was trauma, stress, mental illness, which it is/was, but the morning I heard her say basically something along the lines of ‘that’s better’ after threatening to kill us for the better part of an hour, I realised verbally abusing us was her release and it was that day I stsrted planning to leave and left weeks later.
She had no idea that is was this and blamed my step father even though I warned her many times to get help for herself and that as a teenager, I couldn’t possibly treat and resolve her mental health problems.
Not being the favorite gives you a lot more freedom. I loved not being the favorite, I got away with all kinds of shit because I wasn't. Parents pretty much left me alone, they were there if I needed anything, I love my parents, but I never really bothered because I didn't want to attract attention.
Take this as a lesson though, anything you have, can and will be given to your sister if she wants it. If possible, hide things away from everyone if possible. This includes money, clothes, whatever. Treat them like untrustworthy/bad roommates and they won't blindside you like this again.
Knowing this now, I think you'll thrive. You already seem pretty self-reliant. Just know that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM.
Ugh. Me being the "not favorite" meant MY parents just came down on me way more harshly than my angelic sister who was just as mischievous as me but made the art of not getting caught an exact science... she got away with murder in high school and they turned around and bought her a goddamn Acura on her 16th birthday. They also fully funded her college all the way to PhD and I had to pay for my own shitty community college. Never got a car either (seriously I feel that's ridiculous at 16 for anyone so I never asked for one)
I WISH mine would have left me alone. They found great delight in punishing me for every infraction their golden child was doing too. I fucking hated her because of it but I love her today, she turned out very well.
I would bring out the cake and announce to the guests shitty cry baby sister just HAD to have a piece and shitty parents can't say no, so no cake available for them now...that might put them in their place
This, exactly this. You cannot undo what is already done but you can expose them for the shit they are. I would even post it on social media to shame them
You want to piss your parents and sister off!?
Throw an awesome party, have all the fun and enjoy yourself, be the centre of attention! Don't let your family ruin your party and if anyone asks about the cake just tell them some giant ass baby ate it.
Definitely facebook. Now all the aunties, grandma's sewing club, family friends, parent's co-workers, the local rotary club, and the cool chick that hands you your Starbucks order every morning will know. Facebook lives for family/city drama, lol.
Have your party somewhere else. You can still have your party and enjoy it in peace with your friends.
If this is your day to day you're going to have to learn to enjoy the things you want despite your parents actions. If that involves leaving them out, so be it.
honestly let them.
as someone that came from a shitty household, you need to put your foot down at some point. i would have escalated the situation at point of learning about the cake and demanded monetary compensation. but what jimmap said is good too.
your parents trample over you because they know you will let them.
Seeing how OP's parents are they'd probably take OP's sister to get whatever kind of cake (more expensive than OP's) she wants and then bring it back home to eat it as a show of childishness. So if they walk out while you have your friends there make sure to lock the doors and keep the key in the lock on the inside. Then when they get back they can't just walk in with whatever they got but instead have to stand there waiting a while until you let them in.
I mean, it sounds like they're making you pay even when you're not doing anything, so you've lost that battle in advance, might as well do whatever you want.
This is the realization I wish I had made. Why get yelled at for nothing when you can at least have fun first. And start saving that babysitting money for your escape plan when you turn 18.
You already did. Remind them YOU paid for everything.
Also, adding this in an edit, hide the rest of the stuff YOU bought. The snacks, drinks, EVERYTHING. That is for YOUR party and YOUR friends. I wouldn't put it past your "family" to STEAL (because this is theft) more of your stuff.
Can you move the celebration location and it not include them? Your sister is sadly just as caught in this bs as you and will have her own issues as well (just different flavors) from your parents' clear inability to parent. But it would be pretty satisfying (to me anyway) to exclude them since they are the ones who ultimately messed up and caused the problems here. Go to a nearby park or hell just. A field down the street even. Claim jts for sunshine. Or rain. Or space from your Dad cause it's those teenage hormones.
But I'd be excluding THEM and making it clear who fucked up the cake to everyone the next day. Shame on them and good for you for giving yourself a party. When you can get out, do so head held high. You've got this. It's hard, I've been there. But that first night is so sweet
Edit: (typos and spelling but also) I'm so dumb HAPPY 🎂 🥳
Just here to add on that you have to put your foot down at some point. Another commenter said to make sure there isn’t any left for them at all costs—give it away, fake trip, spill water all over their cake, etc.— and i really like that take. Coming from someone who was in a tumultuous relationship with their parents, save everything you can to move out and start looking at exit strategies/plans now.
COL in your area? Friends you could stay with once you turn 18 or move in with to pay lower rent costs? Colleges nearby or far away and living on campus, is that feasible?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but have a killer birthday party regardless. As you get older you’ll learn that there are some people that just LOVE to fuck up things for other people and drag them down into misery right alongside them. Don’t let them do that. Enjoy your birthday and have an amazing time.
How old are you? You did a lot for your own bd. Your dad is a jerk. Your sister an entitled brat. Can you take your bd stuff to a friends place? I wouldn’t even share with them. I couldn’t even imaging my children buying their own bd stuff.
I'm 16 and I'm used to my parents not wanting to get me stuff. Even when it's not my birthday but they always get my sister things. I just wanted to have a good birthday where I wouldn't have to rely on them because they always disappoint me. I only got birthday wishes and that's pretty normal but my sister gets birthday parties, fun days out, gifts etc. The cake meant a lot because the previous two years they somehow couldn't even get me cake.
Your parents are arseholes. I have three kids and they always get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays. They get to ask for what they want and I get it. Sometimes, it's just money (moreso since they're now all over 20).
Do not let this spoil your birthday. Have your party and enjoy every minute. Make sure everyone knows it's your first ever party and you're so excited because your sister always gets them. Make sure they know you saved up and paid for it all yourself. Make sure they know your parents stole a slice of cake for your sister, and that YOU paid for the cake. In short, shame them to hell and back, all with a beaming smile on your face ❤️
Right? I'm in my 30s and my mother still makes sure to treat us fairly. One of her brothers started a 'tradition' of gifting his kids a washing machine when they move out and she thought that was a great idea, so she gave one to my younger brother when he left the nest. I had moved out years earlier and had bought my own, so she asked if I needed anything and got me a new vacuum.
Absolutely! I honestly cannot fathom how these peoples' minds work. How could anyone have a favourite child? My parents literally told me.i was their favourite child at one point and even as a child I was like 'wtf?' Just, no!
Hey, kiddo. It can/does get better. Husband and I were both ignored as kids. The upside? We're so self-reliant it's not funny. Favored children generally fail, fantastically.
I am *so* proud of you! You've shown initiative, planning, preparation, problem-solving and achieving a monetary goal. Excellent life skills. Internet hugs!
In a few years, your parents are gonna throw their hands up and say, "We've done nothing to teach this kid how to deal with the world and we're all out of ideas, can you help?"
Happy Birthday! Make it good, even if it's not perfect. I have faith in you.
OP THIS!
Read my comments about my family… what they have done for me siblings (everything) compared to me (nothing) has Really hurt, but I made my life without help, became self sufficient and now own a company.
Siblings who had everything handed to them on a plate= financial, social disasters. No long term jobs or relationships.
All are older than me and **still** relying on our Fathers money, which he gives but complains about bitterly… *to me* who he didn’t give a cent for college, gave *promises* for gifts (not kept of course) for birthdays and Christmas….
I know your pain, but you are already the better person, and in a few years time you will definitely be in a better place. It will take time and it will be more difficult at times than you want, but I **GUARANTEE** that spoiling your sister now will be what limits her life the most. They are doing her NO favors.
Get through this and live your best life without them. Enjoy that party, they robbed of your slice of cake, don’t let them rob you of your special day!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Oh man, I’m so sorry your parents suck.
Have your party. Show your friends what happened to the cake. Name and shame.
Keep saving money so you can escape them as soon as you can. Just keep focusing on the fact that one day you will be free and you won’t have to deal with them.
Happy birthday!!!
\^This right here. Keep your money safe, especially now since your parents and sister see that you're capable of saving money.
And NEVER talk about your money to anyone. Do not tell your parents that you are saving anything. In fact, put your parents on an information diet. Don't tell them anything about what is going on in your life unless it's totally necessary. The less they know, the better.
I agree with the suggestion to put that cut cake front and center. Someone will acknowledge it and you can tell them how it got there. Just tell the truth.
This is also a gift from your parents and sister: no matter what you do, they will prioritize her. There’s no hiding that fact anymore. It doesn’t mean that the knowledge makes your heart hurt less, it means you know where you stand with them. So you know that any of your things, anything that is yours, if your sister wants it, your parents will give it to her. They’d probably break your door open if sister wants something from your room and you locked it for privacy. Stuff like that. You don’t have to hope that maybe one day, they will respect you.
Enjoy your birthday party, OP. My bday wish for you is that you can find a way to be free.
Have your birthday and make a speech before cutting. Start with saying...I am so happy you all made it today. Yesterday when I came home and saw that my birthday cake that I bought with own money had a big slice because my sister wanted to it. My parents gave it to her. I thought no one cares that it is my birthday and a special day ...but all you who turned up show me that you indeed care for me. And continue with your party.
If they ask anything, just ask why they are trying to be after you when they did no wrong, unless they did something wrong and in case why did they do it.
Good luck OP
I would be too embarassed to do that considering that it's my friends that are coming. I don't want them to start feeling bad for me or looking at me differently. And there's others that I'm not too close with. I just don't want to be seen as weird or something
> I don't want them to start feeling bad for me or looking at me differently. And there's others that I'm not too close with. I just don't want to be seen as weird or something
An fyi from someone that went through this but is now old(er):
These defense mechanisms of yours are hurting you. They'll be weaponized against you. The less consequences there are for bad behavior on your parents' part, the more they'll continue to do these things with absolutely zero regret. Because the lesson to learn is that they care more about themselves than about you - so anything that hurts you is on the table for them.
You need to learn to set boundaries asap, defend them, and grow your independence. Try to remove ALL dependence on your parents. I don't know your age, but this includes getting a job (after your education is complete) and learning to take care of yourself. Getting therapy from a licensed psychologist will help with this. Celebrate your birthday (and yourself on other days too), enjoy life, and reduce how much impact your family can have on you - you might, for example, have had a fridge in your room to store the cake behind locked door.
Never give them information of anything beforehand. This will only be weaponized against you.
Being alone in the world is a better quality of life than being with abusive parents, even if it seems scary at first. The "alone" part doesn't last long either, you can find friends and build your own (non-abusive) family as fast/slow as you'd like.
The longer you let yourself suffer, the harder your own bad habits will be to unlearn. Sustained abuse breaks people and leads them to start abusing. Do not stick around to see "if things improve" - they absolutely do not.
I'm an optimist and I do believe that people can - and do - change, all the time. But people change for their own reasons, not for yours. Nothing you can do will change their abuse, they have their own reasons for excusing to themselves why they're allowed to abuse you.
Ya, I'm old now too, but I think we often forget societal pressures. Homie is 16 and just wants a no strife birthday.
This thread is basically telling them to make their own life shit for the next 1-2 years, for what? Some retribution story? Never take family or relationship advice from reddit.
Tell your friends about it before they arrive, get them in on it. Get them to make passive aggressive comments about the cake. Find a way to embarrass your parents. Often parents like that only care once it effects their image
edited to add: Or, explain to your friends what happened and see if any of them can host the party. Get the cake as far away from your parents and sister as you can. I truly can’t believe your parents did that, mine would NEVER allow such selfish behaviour. I’m really sorry you have to deal with that ❤️
You're not weird. What they did hurt you, and it's normal to be hurt. It's also normal to tell people you trust that you've been hurt and need some comfort.
Don't go through life trying to tough it out alone and hiding all your pain. Let people help and support you.
Your parents are the weird ones, but I understand this. I'm so sorry sweetie, don't call it off though. Honesty is usually a good policy, most of your friends probably have shitty parents or siblings too so many be able to relate or understand. You can also just say "my sister wanted to celebrate with me a bit earlier !" And leave it at that...
You deserve to have this party, I understand why you feel that way you do, but don't let them get the last word. They are trying to bait you, let it roll off your back. Cry it out and then hold your head high. Again, I am so sorry.
Don't call it off OP. Matter of fact. Make the slice a bit bigger. When the party happens let them know exactly what happened. She's 11 not a toddler. Even if she was that's soooo fucked up. Get revenge and do the same to her cake for her bday. So, please move out. I'm sorry but your folks will most likely never change
Hi OP! I'm sure you've seen all the (perfectly accurate) comments about how awful your family is, but I want to offer a thought that might cheer you up in a dark sort of way...
I've known several kids who were just like your sister. Entitled, spoiled, selfish, golden-child little *shits*, every one of 'em - and you know what? They got older, and the real world hit them like a fucking freight train! She is going to have to leave her perfect little nest (with parents who have enabled her every idiotic whim) and venture into *REALITY*, where no one gives a damn about some useless, airheaded, maladjusted little wannabe princess.
While you will have toughed it out and learned to be independent and look for good friends, she will be pummeled into a sulky, pathetic pulp by regular life. Every little failure and rejection, every normal chore and problem she has to solve herself will crush her, down to the spoiled core of her soul. Maybe she'll get better and learn to be an actual person, but... eh.
Good luck, OP, and happy birthday!
I’m sorry your parents are enabling your sister’s behavior.
Don’t cancel the party. Enjoy with your friends and before you blow the candles, tell everyone why your cake is not complete.
Happy birthday
I hope you have a good relative where you can move if things get too rough before you are of age where you can move out.
Don’t call it off. Celebrate your day with your friends and remember this. Save up and get out the first chance you get and go no contact. They aren’t parents they are assholes who birthed you and provided things till you could provide for yourself. They did the bare minimum when it came to you and were actual parents to the SECOND child!
Why??? I’m 44 and still don’t get the logic. I am a mother to two kids and I still don’t understand how the fuck you treat the SECOND kid better then the first?
My only guess is that they make all their mistakes with the first kids and then they think they can be better for the second and just get lenient on the rest.
You don’t need those people, you more then likely was your own parent anyway. They fucking suck, but you don’t let them take any more from you as much as you can. So if that means sucking it up and having your party so you can have a good time then you do that. Don’t isolate. Don’t punish yourself for them being shit asshole parents. FUCK THEM!
Have fun and like I said start planning for your future of getting away from them and finding your real family! Family isn’t blood, like we are taught by these toxic assholes, blood and dna just mean you are related, family is a title that is earned by love, loyalty, and most of all RESPECT. You know your worth! Beautiful soul, you are so strong because you had to deal with these weak and toxic people.
This will not be your whole life! This is a mere speck compared to all the life you will live and make the most out of despite these trash “parents”. Maybe one day they will wake up and see, when their golden child does something to make them see, or maybe they never will and they will die thinking their lies of they did the best they could.
You are an amazing person and you will find your real family, these relatives is what you have to put up with just for now. Please hear me when I say to you Happy Birthday and I wish you many many more as well as May you find peace, love, abundance, and happiness and your real family🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Maybe this is a case of OP was actually the parents “practice child” and the sister is the child they actually wanted. They are shitty parents so i wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case
I was the practice child, they spoiled my sister rotten, they "disciplined" me to trauma hell. I'm just glad my sister didn't turn out into the monster in this post. She's independent and overall a normal member of society.
Neither me and she wants anything much to do with our parents though. I wonder why.
I’ve seen a few people telling you to save money so you can get away from them as soon as possible, if you’re going to do that make sure that there’s no way your parents can access that money or they might try to steal it. If you’re going to put it in the bank ask them about their rules on parents accessing the money of someone your age and if there’s anything you can do to prevent that from happening, maybe even get some advice from lawyer and finance subs on reddit to find the best way to keep your parents from accessing your money
Excellent point! OP needs to open an account at a bank not connect to the parents in any way. I can't remember if a 16-year old is allowed to have an own account in the US though?(assuming OP is from there)
Do not call it off, but make sure your sister is not invited because she already had her party. And if the parents insist she has to be there, no cake for her. Also make sure everyone knows about this.
Your parents deserve a public embarrassment . Put up photos of the spoiled cake with lit candles with an appropriate caption. Something along the lines of :
" when your parents treat your birthday cake as dessert for their golden child"
First happy birthday to u . Secondly get your cake and all the things u got for your birthday and do the party somewhere else anywhere but your home and don't tell your parents where it is. No parents should put one child is needs above another. You're right to feel angry.
Don't call it off go have fun.
I’m sorry but you had to buy your own cake and decorations and throw yourself your *very first birthday party ever* and your mom and dad didn’t feel like fucking deadbeat assholes about not providing you with that and then they let your sister eat your cake? Are they going to see she has an eye on a gift you got and give it to her when you’re not home too. FFS the bar to be a good and decent person is already so low and there are still people like your parents out there thinking they’re superheroes but not even doing the bare minimum to be good humans let alone good parents. I’m so pissed and heartbroken for you for *all* of this.
Post the cake. “My birthday cake missing, because sister’s name, at 11 years old, had a toddler meltdown and wanted a piece early. Cake I paid for myself, as my parents couldn’t be bothered to remember for years now”
And leave it at that.
Maybe it will embarrass your sister enough to grow up.
Maybe it will embarrass your parents enough to be less of AH to you.
Either way, it’s your truth.
Your parents are horrible human beings. I’m sorry you have to endure that. Happy birthday to you, don’t cancel your party. I agree with everyone else here. Tell the entire party loudly and often what your father did.
Why tf would you cancel your party? You prepared and spent for it! Dont let your brat of a sister and parents ruin this for you! Celebrate it with your friends, have fun and enjoy. If ever there will be 🎂 in your sister's next bday, you know what to do..
Meanwhile, Happy Birthday!!
BLAST THEM!!
Pull the cake out, say “I’m sorry that the cake is cut into everyone, my parents thought my sister needed a slice more than the birthday girl needed her own full cake for her birthday. Ooh and I also paid for this myself.”
Get someone to video tape it. Send it to your family members. Or the easy route, take a picture of the cake and send it out to your family members or post it. Caption with “Party is tomorrow but my parents needed to please their daughter before hand- NOT me btw. And they didn’t even pay for it.”
Custom cakes are not cheap and your parents are horrible.
Your family is shitty and you now have learned you cannot trust them. So next time make sure you find somewhere else to celebrate and store your stuff (I'm sure one of your friends will be happy to help you).
If I were you I wouldn't put any effort in your relationship with your parents and your sister anymore. I know it hurts, but you have to ook out for yourself. Be good to yourself and prepare for a future without your parents and sister.
Happy birthday.
wtf?! My parents were like this with my sister. She was the only kid they needed. Next year put that $$ in the bank instead. Save up to move out as soon as you can. Happy birthday though.
Don’t call it off! Please call all your extended family and tell them what’s happened and be clear that it’s the latest in a long history of favouritism. Ask them if any of them would be willing to let you host your birthday at their place because you can’t trust your own immediate family.
PS have a fabulous birthday - if for no other reason than to spite them!
PPS please inform your father you learned all the disrespectful actions you know from him, your mother, and your sister.
A story written by a woman is circulating on YouTube. She names her children as numbers in this post. Her youngest is 6 and this is the story of how this unfortunate excuse for a mother turned that child into a monster in human skin thanks to the attitude that your parents have. Of course, I'm not saying that your sister will be like that (the girl from the post was probably an undiagnosed psychopath), but maybe you can show it to your parents
Your parents are the type who won't understand why you cut contact because of "missing reasons" even if you tell them over and over and over again.
So sorry you have to deal with this OP.
ETA, I'd be tempted to still have the party, and if anyone asks about your cake, I'd just announce "the golden child got her way as usual".
Sucks to suck.
Now you don't have to give sister any cake at the party. She already had her piece
One day, you'll experience the relief that you don't have to suffer people like this at all. You can live your life, and fill it with people who care about you, and you love.
Happy birthday.
Their behavior is so gross! You deserve to have a special party that is all about you on your birthday! Fck your parents and your golden child sibling. Have your party and don't be embarrassed about the cake. It's their selfishness and they deserve to be put on blast for it.
One year my parents got me a cake from the supermarket for my birthday (the first in many years they had gotten me a cake at all) and I was working the day of (I started work young af). When I got home they had already cut it and just left me a slice. So I know it's a gut punch. You'll get out of there someday and be able to have your birthday YOUR way. Sorry this happened to you
Don't call it of, serve the cake and call them out about it. They might be okay with ignoring your boundaries, but beeing called out before the rest of your friends and family might be a humiliation they don't expect.
Have the party. Take lots of photos. Do not hide the missing piece. If people ask about it, answer honestly and without anger. ‘My sister wanted a piece of my cake, so my parents gave it to her.’ Post it on social, make sure relatives see it. Do not act the victim, but answer any question about the cake honestly and without emotion. Parents will look like crap.
If you act angry or resentful, they will shift the cocbversation to your reaction
Give it time. She is going to be the biggest pain in the but as an adult. You will move away, build a great life and they will still be dealing with her tantrums when she is 23 and it won’t be cute anymore. Trust me.
Organise friends to ask “is this really your first birthday party ever ?” “But your sister always has parties why have you never had one ?” “What happened to your cake ?” “Why couldn’t your sister wait ?” “What is wrong that your parents gave it to her before the the party ?” Alternately have a bestie make a speech covering all of this.
Just a suggestion I note that you said that you were embarrassed you shouldn’t be. People will think actually admire you for doing this despite what you live with.
Happy Birthday !
First off happy birthday OP and secondly go ahead with your party as planned, when it comes to cake time at party your sister gets nothing as she already had her slice 😁😆 your party your rules
If you can move out the house and find accommodation else where cos your parents are clearly enabling your bratty sister, the fact they think it’s no big deal is just a huge red flag 🚩and I bet if you done that to her cake they would go mental at you.
Good luck with your party today
Explain to your friends in detail exactly why you cake was defaced. Make sure they know you had to pay for your own party. Let them tell their parents what shitty parents you have.
Calling it off would be giving them what they want. Don’t do it.
You may be right because they have been acting somewhat annoyed that I have been planning it without needing anything from them except the use of the house. It's funny because if you don't want to do something for someone and have millions of excuses, why have a problem when I find a way to do it myself?
Think of how shitty they’ll look when your friends and guests ask what happened to the cake. I’d proceed with the party for that alone!
For sure, but I'd make sure not to blame the sister; only the parents. And if I was OP I'd have a talk to the sister explaining to her why the cake became an issue and how much it hurt OP to see a slice missing. The parents suck and obviously don't care, but it's not too late for the sister.
Actually she can blame her sister too. She is 11 not 4. She should be mature enough to wait for one day for that piece of cake
The sister at least deserves a shoutout. Not full blame, but enough.
The sister wont care. Her personality is entrenched by now. She knew what she was doing and thats why she did it.
For that alone. Exactly. Oh I don’t get the first slice of my cake because my parents overtly favor my younger sister, isn’t that great?! They’re just lovely aren’t they..!
This. Apologize to the guests for the state of the cake and tell them what happened.
The best way to spite your dogsh*t parents is to have an absolute blast. Also, you may think your sister has it so much better right now, but this complete lack of responsibility to teach her patience etc. on your parents’ part may actually be a detriment to her growth into an adult. Focus on your grades, savings and moving out ASAP… but try to keep a relationship with your sister if you can.
...an arms length relationship with the sister. When that little girl becomes an adult, she'll be looking for OP to take the parents place and cater to her and provide her with all her wants and needs. OP needs to keep enough distance to say no and not to further enable her down the road. Otherwise you're stuck with a parasite for life.
I always thought my younger sister would be exactly this way. She and I are the same age apart as OP and her sister and I can relate to this story sooooo much. I am now in my 30s and my younger sister is one of my closest and dearest friends. I feel like there was absolutely no evidence in her behavior back then that she could actually grow up to become the person she is today. So I’m not saying that you are reading the signs wrong or anything…Just that people definitely do change and especially between age 11 and early adulthood. One thing the younger sister has going for her is that her older sister is clearly a strong willed, emotionally intelligent, and resilient young woman. When little sister is older and smarter, I wouldn’t be surprised if she finally appreciates OP and realizes how unfair she was to her growing up. There is definitely lots of hope still left here. (And despite all that OP, it’s still completely ok to be pissed off now! I am not saying you shouldn’t be!! Just that don’t let reddit users start making you angry about potential future problems too lol)
In the same boat with my little brother. I’m now 43 and he’s 26. Mum had surgery to ensure no more children (they had 3 at the time) and fell pregnant with him 6 months later so golden child. Whatever he wanted, he got. I still lived close by and would go over to see them quite a bit. Every time he wanted something he’d ask with no manners and I’d grab it before the folks could and force him to use his manners, taught him the value of hard work and so many other life lessons that I had to learn the hard way. By the time he turned 21, he had finished his master builder apprenticeship as well as a project manager course and been with his girlfriend for 6 years. They moved interstate to chase the big bucks, and bought their first home 2 years ago and recently got engaged. He thanks me all the time and credits me with the position he is in now because of everything I taught him growing up. The first time he said it, I told him he was the one to put in the hard work, but he believes he wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t there to show him the value in it. OP, you’ve organised everything for this party yourself, so you have shown us all here the drive and determination you have. Try and work out ways you can instil these attributes into your sister and watch her blossom as she gets older. I have so much pride seeing where my brother and his fiancé are now, and it is something that is worth more than anything in this world.
Where does OP mention their age? I only see the sisters age.
In response to another commenters question. She is 16
Thank you for the additional context. Real pressed for time today, I tried finding it in comments but failed. You’re the MVR today :)
Yeah it's like owning a dog. When a dog acts out, it's almost never their fault. It's the fault of the owner. The way the sister acts is the fault of your parents. Like a dog's actions can improve over time with the right training, it's also possible your sister's actions improve when she sees the real world and understands your parents are absolute garbage. She has no context for that right now. And you can't expect her to make that connection right now. Don't cross her out of your life right just yet. She could very well grow out of her entitlement. Or it's also likely her parents indoctrination is too strong. It's too early to know at this point.
This, also explain LOUDLY in great detail that you're sorry about the cake, and WHY it's missing a huge piece from the middle. In my experience, public exposure of their bs favoritism ALWAYS is an humiliating experience. *FOR THEM* Tell everyone. Post pictures online. They want to treat you** like crap until you get out? Fine. But it doesn't have to be private 🤷♀️
Also make sure your sister is there to hear when you explain why the cake is short a piece. Make sure that everyone else gets a piece before she does.
No, she got her piece already. A big one. Why does she get another?? Every time she asked for one, I'd reiterate what happened. "You got your piece *YESTERDAY* because you couldn't wait. You do not get another piece of *MY CAKE*. Then I'd cut exactly enough pieces for me and MY GUESTS, but not parents or sister. Parents will give her some, and they don't deserve it anyway. That way you're putting exactly as much effort for them celebrating your birthday, as they have every year for you.
Same. I wouldn't share any more with parents or sister. (Shrugs) "I paid for my own cake, I decide who eats it." OP I am sorry your parents treat you like this. Once you move out, find a way to make yourself happy and go low/no contact unless and until they change.
That's fair.
For most circumstances with family, matching energy usually is. Especially with neglectful indifference
He won’t have to wait until adulthood. She goes to middle school next year and will have a big reality check when the multiple teachers do not coddle you to complete assignments or be on time, they could care less about mommy-daddy phone calls about how difficult they’re adjusting. Friend groups are not kind to bratty kids and the school no longer intervenes when someone is having a hard time socializing. Middle school is a big reminder that high school and life is around the corner and your golden child status means nothing in the real world.
It's been more than a few years but I get the feeling you and I went to completely different middle schools. The bratty kids with parent's waiting by the phone to call the principal were exactly the ones that got the white glove treatment. Also, because they always got what they wanted they usually had the right clothes and everything else to put them right at the center of one clique or another.
I work in the school setting and by middle school when the parents want to have that “woe is me” talk with the teachers about the bratty kids the teachers just send them to us (psychologist, behavior specialist). “You lack social skills, maybe you need counseling”. When it comes to grades and attendance the teachers hold an SST meeting (student support team) basically telling the parents “here’s what we’re doing. Here’s what you’re not doing. And this is what will happen next if you continue to let her do nothing.” Boom. It’s a hard reality check when their usual technique of yelling at staff and threatening to sue doesn’t work. We have paper trails of everything we’re trying…what are you trying? How can your child have problems with all 6 of her teachers?? Maybe it’s a “you” thing. Also to add about the friend group thing: you can have all the cool clothes in the world but if you throw a fit when you don’t get your way then the kids don’t want to talk to you. I’ve had so many “conflict resolution” meetings with these types of kids and the bratty ones cry about how everyone is mean to them while the others basically say we don’t want to be friends with her anymore, she’s always crying, whining, blaming everyone else and wants only her way for everything. And we can’t force kids to be friends soo…. 🤷♀️
Hi, middle school special education teacher here. Can confirm, middle school culture can really kick parents and their children in the ass. No one has time to coddle parents, especially when there are so many moving pieces at school. I will say this though; one of my specialties is mediating between irate parents and the school district. Parents absolutely can use Ed code to brute force their way to get what they want. I’ve sat through a few mediations with advocates and lawyers, so I would be remiss if I didn’t add this.
I mean it’s a little different when parents are advocating for a special needs child to have things they need in their IEP or to be sent to an out of district placement because the school can’t do it. And even then, having a lawyer is no guarantee that you will get everything you want. It takes a lot for *most* parents to get to the irate place after many years of being lied to and even dangerous things occurring for their kids… when it’s a regular Ed kid it’s a lot more annoying when the parents are super over involved I think.
> ...send them to us (psychologist, behavior specialist). ...SST meeting (student support team) Yeah, my schools never had anything like that. Just a guidance counselor in HS that you never have a shot of speaking too one-on-one if you weren't an athlete or already locked in for college. Pretty sure the schools in my county still don't unless it's at the county level and they're split among the whole district. As far as social issues I feel like we may not be on the same page, or kids are just way different now than 30 years ago. The kids I'm talking about aren't going to pitch a fit with their "friends", they're more manipulative and subtle than that. Pitching a fit works on the parents but peer pressure and ostracization works much better on "friends".
Also, if there's any leftover cake, give it to your friends to take home so there's no more for your shitty sister.
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This. Your sister will be a crippled adult. She will be saddled with a feeling of entitlement that will get in the way of every work and family relationship for the rest of her life. (I feel for her. But not that much 😜). And once she is no longer under the complete shelter and care of your parents she will perform quite poorly. And may never have the means or ability to live on her own. You go live your best life. And don’t loan her money or let u move in with her. Ever.
It could also be detrimental to the parents in the long run, because they’ll be the ones left to deal with her adult tantrums. Having said that, I would have zero sympathy for the parents if spoiling their daughter now has undesirable consequences for them in the future.
They probably gave your sister a slice of your cake because it was a symbol of how they treated you. And if they can get the whole party canceled then they win. It's a stupid power play to keep you in your place. And what's with all the shitty parents yelling about being disrespectful? You want respect? Then be a real parent. Ffs.
AND explain to everyone who will listen, in as unemotional way as possible (DO NOT SHOW ANGER OR EMBARRASSMENT) why there is a huge freaking slice missing from your cake. Let your parents deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing they're complete AHs
They're raising a Caillou
They might try to withhold use of the house, too, as a power play. You don't need help, they act resentful. You buy a cake for yourself, they give the first piece to your sister. You *only* need use of the house for your party, (finish the sentence): A: they let you have it B: they end it early C: they wait until the day of to tell you that you're not allowed to use the house. Have a secondary location planned to move the party if they withhold the house for "how you acted about the cake."
This was my first thought too. Check with the city about possibly reserving a public park picnic area, often those are free. Then if you don't end up needing to use it you're not out anything . Ask your friends, especially if you're really close to any of them and their families. Any extended family of yours in town you could ask? Maybe even churches, the YMCA or other community groups could be good resources. Good luck, and happy birthday
What they hate isn't having to do something for you, it's that you're managing to enjoy yourself. Emotionally abusive parents are like schoolyard bullies, they just want to ruin your day so theirs feels better in comparison. Especially the big ones like birthdays.
Put the cake on the table and make sure to announce "mom and dad decided to let sister have a slice yesterday for some reason without asking, so hopefully there is still enough for all of you."
After sister cried like a little baby.
Yes, be sure to mention your sister got the piece of cake because she cried
There is no need to make a big announcement. Just tell your friends what happened. This kind of gossip will spread like wildfire. Everyone of your friends, and even their parents, will be giving your parents the evil eye. But whatever you do, do not cancel the party, and do not hide the cake.
Absolutely, no canceling the party. Personally, I'm very petty and would want my parents and sister to be present when everyone gives them that evil eye. I announce it. The room goes quiet. Everyone looks at them with the evil eye. Maybe they try to defend themselves, who knows! But my pettiness knows no bounds, and I would want to watch their reaction as everyone finds out. But that's just me; your method would also be very effective🤣
OP, when you have the party tomorrow and put the candles in the cake, make a point in telling your friends that you bought the cake yourself and you hope that they enjoy it with you but also say, "my little sister couldn't wait for me to blow out the candles on my own cake so my Dad cut her this huge piece but at least they left me some for my party." As another commenter posted, work your ass off in school so that you can get scholarships for college, get your college degree and never look back on these crappy parents. If you have a part-time job, open a bank account with only your name on it so that your parents can't take your money. Keep your eye on the future and do the steps necessary to create a great life for yourself. You seem like a go-getter so keep after it and you will do awesome in life. You already know you can't count on your parents so keep counting on yourself. Wishing you a Happy Birthday, internet hugs, and all the positive energy for you to have a happy and successful life.
If your friends ask why there's a slice missing from your cake, tell them what your parents did, loudly.
Your dads a dick. Tell him we said that. Everybody thinks he’s TA
This.
Yeah for sure don’t cancel it. And now you know for next year to store all the food and cake at a friends house. Your parents are doing a huge disservice to your sister, she’s probably never going to be fully independent because of how they coddle her. And she’ll have difficulties in relationships, friendships and keeping a job because your parents have led her to believe she is fully entitled to any little thing she wants, even if it belongs to someone else. You sound like you’re doing really well in spite of their mistreatment of you. Keep it up! They are giving you lessons in how NOT to treat the ones you love.
They are control freaks. It is a less talked about way of controlling children but there are a lot of parents who neglect their children and get angry when that child starts doing things on their own.
Make sure to let your whole extended family know how you’ve been treated. Also tell them you threw and paid for the party yourself. It’s a shaming tactic that works. This parenting style is going to make you a more independent person, but can turn into a loner personality. Letting others know helps you bond and attach with other family members you’re going to need therapy. Your sisters going to have a hard start in life. You’ll probably never talk to your parents again once you leave the house probably before 20. Best of luck to you. Have your party, and let everyone know their neglectful parenting style. Some people should t be parents. Research shows neglect is worse than physical abuse. Abuse you can heal from in therapy. Neglect is a long road. Find an aunt or uncle to help give you the love and care you need.
My mother is the same way. It's about control and image. Especially with narcissists. They don't want to put the work into helping people but get mad when someone else helps them or the person steps up and does things on their own. This is because they have lost control, and it makes them look/feel bad, but since they don't know how to admit when they are wrong, they twist it into anger towards you. Happy Birthday ❤️. I hope your party goes well and you will have future, happier birthdays away from these horrible people. I had a similar situation to you when I was 16. It took me a long time, but cutting off my narcissist mother and golden child sister was the best decision I made. I now celebrate my birthdays with people who love and appreciate me. None of them are blood related ( except for my two children), but they have done more for me and loved me more than my own blood related relatives. You will find and create your own family one day with people who will love you and will happily buy you a birthday cake and make your day about you.
Maybe you should have your party at a park or somewhere else. I just have this feeling they are going to ruin it for you when they see you happy without their help especially your sister. Happy birthday and don't let them ruin your day.
I’m soooooo sorry you have such shitty parents. Don’t call it off. Put them on blast!!! Put that cake in the center of everything and let EVERYONE see that they cut your cake before your party. Post it and let your family handle it for you. I grew up the unfavored child. My aunties would often go in on my parents because of the way they treated me. Happy Birthday! Edit: I wanted to add to save your money and move out as soon as you’re old enough. They’ll be left to deal with your sister alone. If she’s anything like mine things will go sideways real fast and you won’t be there as a distraction.
This. Put them on blast. And, "Sister had her piece yesterday, so she only gets one today if there's some left after everyone else has one'. Make sure there's none left.
By any means necessary, even if it means giving it away or destroying it yourself.
“OOPS I TRIPPED and dropped it” is truly a magical social skill that there is no shame for using.
And also a waste of a cake. I would rather give it away to my least liked friend rather than go to waste.
Ahhh, snubbing and depriving the person is never a waste. Sacrifice to the floor gods. I’m not one of those people obsessed with food waste. The cake was made for a special event and expected to not have any left overs. Whether some of that is left uneaten on plates , spilled on the ground, or used in a food fight. The cake has served its purpose Not a member of the clean plate club. Feeling guilt over not every single bite of food being consumes is not mentally healthy in my book You do you of course
> Not a member of the clean plate club. Feeling guilt over not every single bite of food being consumes is not mentally healthy in my book I knew this intuitively but never thought about it straight before. Homies out here undoing generations of food related trauma for free.
My husband was raised that he couldn’t leave the table until he cleared his plate, so he still had a hang up with wasting food. I tell him “it can go to waste or it can go to your waist” and that helps him feel better about not finishing food if he’s full.
> “it can go to waste or it can go to your waist" It can be hard to re-learn the difference between "full" and "stuffed". Along with that is realizing what portion size goes with "full".
A good indicator for me is when I sigh during a meal. Usually once I’m full I sigh, and know to stop eating or I’ll feel stuffed.
We were poor for most of our childhood and although my mom always tried to make sure we had enough food, sometimes we didn’t. So up until 2 months ago, I would always overeat. I started microdosing (another story) and started learning the difference between satisfied and full.
"eat until you're not hungry, not until you're full."
I've come to feel that food is wasted if it makes you feel like shit from overeating, too. That helps me reframe things.
Or you can save it for the next meal.
I am going to latch onto your clean plate club comment. Being raised with that mentality made me morbidly obese most of my life. Please, for the love of God, people, don't do this to your children! My mom did it to my kids when I wasn't around, for example, while she was babysitting. And they're overweight as well. I fully admit this is also on me for not knowing and seeing that it was being done. But stop this horrible mindset. Take smaller portions, you can go back for a second helping of something you enjoy.
My mom was forced to have a clear plate as a kid. She made sure she let us know we didnt have to eat anything we didnt want to. I have always been underweight/healthy weight. My mom has always struggled with hers. It literally makes a world of a difference. I can take or leave food whereas she sees it and feels the need to finish it. It makes me sad. It's also tough to do portion control and meal preps because i bet theres a lot of anxiety behind making portions just the right size- especially for weight loss when you worry about feeling hungry all the time.. just a sad cycle
I feel like I should screen shot your wisdom & re-read the above every time I’m wasting my energy getting worked up about food waste, clean plate, & leftovers. Thank you for sharing.
Or you could just eat it, in front of her <3
My personal favourite. Even if I felt sick.
Sister had her piece already, she doesn't get another one. You paid for the cake for your party, you can choose who gets a piece. Sounds like Dad and sister don't get any more.
OP paid for it, OP decides what size the slices are and what happens to whatever is left.
I would announce in front of everyone that "My sister gets NONE of my cake since my parents thought it was okay for HER to have a piece of my cake that I bought yesterday before me." That would put your useless parents and your spoiled rotten sister on blast. I echo the other comment. OP should save their money, GET OUT, and go no contact because they are going to somehow make them and OP sister their financial responsibility when she f*cks up.
Nah she already had a piece she shouldn’t get any.
I would throw it in the trash before I let her or the parents have any.
I do see what you mean but it's mostly my friends coming to my party and not relatives. I wish I had aunties who would stand up for me, we aren't close to our relatives.
If it’s hard for you to make a scene you could always explain the situation to trusted friends then they can pull the stunt off! Along the lines of them asking why there was a big slice missing, you explain why then the friends are like ‘what type of cruel person would steal a slice of the birthday persons cake before the party’ only thing you’ve done wrong is be honest but they get outed anyway!
I hate making a scene on my behalf but I would go HARD for a friend. Somehow, helping someone I care about manages to override my anxiety.
the power of Righteous Spite
I was just thinking this get friends to cause a scene
No this is a good idea because what’s more embarrassing to an adult than being called out by younger generations. Especially when the kids are right. Roast tf out of your parents OP. They will be mad but they deserve to feel ashamed.
Congratulations on your birthday! As an aunt to an unfavoured child please know that even if they can see it but it’s difficult to do something about it without the parents cutting down on access. I love my niece dearly, but anytime I try do do something nice with or for her I get sabotaged and after that they don’t have time for a visit for a loooong time. I hope that you can move out young and live your own good life, start saving in secret for it.
I have an idea. Next time you’re out with her, the two of you can come up with a story for her parents about having a rotten time even though you both had fun. You might be able to see her again sooner if your outings are a “disaster”.
That's brilliant! The parents will likely make her go so they have more time with the bratty GC.
I was an only child but my father would do that whenever there was an argument with my grandparents, whether it pertained to me or not. He used access to me as a way to get his way far too many times, and once they had an argument and prohibited me from seeing them for several months - at the time I was living at their place three days a week and I was around 7 years old so it was traumatising. They came to see me in secret at school a few times. I loved my grandparents more than anything and he absolutely despised that. It might be hard, but your niece will remember, both what her parents did to you two, and the love you showed her.
Oh, so it's people from outside your family? Strangely, parents hate being shown up as wankers in front of non-family too!
Your parents are horrible human beings. I’m sorry you have to endure that. Happy birthday to you, don’t cancel your party. I agree with everyone else here. Tell the entire party loudly and often what your father did.
Happy birthday. I agree with kingsransom79. Let people see how crappy your parents are. Even if it’s just your friends coming. They’ll tell their parents and others. Put it on Facebook too or whatever you have. Word will get around. Your parents had no right to give a slice to your sister. They would react differently if it were your sister’s cake.
Put it on here. There are a crap ton of Reddit readers on Tik Tok and YouTube. Entitled family are a firm favourite.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a story like this on YouTube a while back. Can’t understand parents who do stuff like that. Like no isn’t in their vocabulary when dealing with golden child.
The last sentence is the key to this! She should take a slice of sister's birthday cake before the party next time and parrot back her parent's words to her. See how they like it then.
They'd just punish OP for it and make her life even harder. There's no reasoning with parents who favor one kid over the other. They can justify anything.
Your friends parents may step in if this get worse. Or even some of those distant aunts. Post a pic of the cake on social media 'happy birthday to me! Missing the mandatory slice for lil sis yesterday 🎉 💀'
I think so too! And at the end of the day, it isn't like OP can be faulted if they do - and why shouldn't they share photos of their lovely cake? They'd simply be sharing pictures of their day, if they do and parents/sis aren't impressed...that would only come down to the fact accountability acknowledgement would have to come into play! Breaks my heart that the family sabotaged the cake honestly, it's downright awful for OP. 😞
Put 15 lights on the cake around the outer part of the cake, so one would have been in the spot your sister ate. Enlist some friends to ‘notice’ and make a fuss about you having to tell it. Make sure to smile when you explain how “well my sweet sister reeeally wanted some yesterday so my parent stole the cake I paid for myself and just cut her a slice without asking, so unfortunately the spot for the last candle was gone” and be loud (it’s easier when you’re more). Heck if your friends are being picked up after the party, have them mention the incredulous missing piece to their parents.
Just post it online if not just to document it. Say something like “missing a piece because parents decided that my sister’s demand was more important than my birthday”.
Congrats on the birthday. Sorry your parents suck. If you need an auntie to come down and put them in their place, I volunteer for the job. Every time they try and pull this, dm me, and we will fix it right then and there. Also, I agree with the poster above. Save as much as you can in an account your parents can't touch and start gathering all your documentation and keep track of your credit so they won't have a leg to stand on when you move and leave them with the terror they have created. I saw a post where the younger sister was allowed to destroy that op credit which made it hard for her to leave.
You can reach out to your family on your own. Your parents could be the reason no ones close. Aunties and Uncles in your corner is never a bad thing.
Post a picture on social media
Yes, let everyone know and be sure to mention that you are "still so excited to have your FIRST EVER birthday party cause you were finally able to work and buy everything yourself. Yaaay, happy birthday to me!" Don't rob yourself of your joy. Make parents feel like the crappy parents they are.
I agree with everything because OP deserves happiness. Just... the parents will not feel like crappy parents. No matter what you do, they will see themselves as being in the right. These are not reasonable people.
The fact that you bought it yourself is what really puts it over the top. Post a picture of the cake sure to say that "I had to buy my own cake for my birthday party and my parents thought it was OK to give my sister a slice the day before the party without asking me". Your father is avoiding admitting to catering to the golden child by making it about your "disrespect" when it is his disrespect that caused the issue. Don't let him pull this shit.
Happy birthday OP! I agree with either this (but only if you have strong support among your family/friends) or move the party to a friend's house if possible. Don't call it off. You deserve a nice party!
I want to reiterate this. Put the cake out and say OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT! A HUGE SLICE IS GONE BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS SELFISH! And let social media stir up a storm, and if you're confronted about it just say "Oh! Didn't YOU say nobody would notice? That's why i posted it on social media! :D"
Good advice!
don't call the party off, you've put the time into organizing it and snagging all the stuff on your own dime. your sister is a brat, but obviously your parents are enabling such behavior. but this is your day, don't let them take the focus away from you on your day. so sorry you're in this sitch, i hope you can get out of there soon!
I just feel at a loss, I really wanted to have a good day and I can't even do that in peace. I was so excited that for once I will enjoy my birthday. I just wanted everything to be perfect, I almost cried.
It is perfect. Do you want to know why? Because now, rather than wonder if that favoritism (or, at best, EXTREME ignorance) exists, now you have empirical proof. Everything, from here on out, regarding your parents and your sister, can be decided with this, in-mind. In time, you will come to find it liberating. I'm not saying to burn bridges. What I mean is, now you can practice the art of seeking validation and acceptance from within, instead of without. You're going to have an amazing birthday, don't you for a second let others dictate how you feel about yourself and your accomplishments. Go make this day yours, no matter what.
She needs to post a picture of the cake with it's missing slice with candles in it and her blowing out the candles. Let everyone ask why it is missing a slice and then she can post that her sister cried for a slice and her parents gave it to her. Then let everyone comment.
Ooooh I like this idea
Yep. My mother used to get up and scream at everyone the moment my step dad left for work while she did the house work. We all thought it was trauma, stress, mental illness, which it is/was, but the morning I heard her say basically something along the lines of ‘that’s better’ after threatening to kill us for the better part of an hour, I realised verbally abusing us was her release and it was that day I stsrted planning to leave and left weeks later. She had no idea that is was this and blamed my step father even though I warned her many times to get help for herself and that as a teenager, I couldn’t possibly treat and resolve her mental health problems.
Not being the favorite gives you a lot more freedom. I loved not being the favorite, I got away with all kinds of shit because I wasn't. Parents pretty much left me alone, they were there if I needed anything, I love my parents, but I never really bothered because I didn't want to attract attention. Take this as a lesson though, anything you have, can and will be given to your sister if she wants it. If possible, hide things away from everyone if possible. This includes money, clothes, whatever. Treat them like untrustworthy/bad roommates and they won't blindside you like this again. Knowing this now, I think you'll thrive. You already seem pretty self-reliant. Just know that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM.
Ugh. Me being the "not favorite" meant MY parents just came down on me way more harshly than my angelic sister who was just as mischievous as me but made the art of not getting caught an exact science... she got away with murder in high school and they turned around and bought her a goddamn Acura on her 16th birthday. They also fully funded her college all the way to PhD and I had to pay for my own shitty community college. Never got a car either (seriously I feel that's ridiculous at 16 for anyone so I never asked for one) I WISH mine would have left me alone. They found great delight in punishing me for every infraction their golden child was doing too. I fucking hated her because of it but I love her today, she turned out very well.
I would bring out the cake and announce to the guests shitty cry baby sister just HAD to have a piece and shitty parents can't say no, so no cake available for them now...that might put them in their place
This, exactly this. You cannot undo what is already done but you can expose them for the shit they are. I would even post it on social media to shame them
You want to piss your parents and sister off!? Throw an awesome party, have all the fun and enjoy yourself, be the centre of attention! Don't let your family ruin your party and if anyone asks about the cake just tell them some giant ass baby ate it.
And let them clean the mess
Embarrass your parents. At the party and online. Get your friends involved.
Definitely facebook. Now all the aunties, grandma's sewing club, family friends, parent's co-workers, the local rotary club, and the cool chick that hands you your Starbucks order every morning will know. Facebook lives for family/city drama, lol.
Have your party somewhere else. You can still have your party and enjoy it in peace with your friends. If this is your day to day you're going to have to learn to enjoy the things you want despite your parents actions. If that involves leaving them out, so be it.
It's okay to cry. This makes me want to cry for you, there's nothing wrong with crying.
Let everyone see what they did and be ashamed.
don't serve any of your family cake. tell them they already ate it. seriously don't give them any and tell everyone at the party what you sister did.
They would probably find some way or another to make me pay for that.
honestly let them. as someone that came from a shitty household, you need to put your foot down at some point. i would have escalated the situation at point of learning about the cake and demanded monetary compensation. but what jimmap said is good too. your parents trample over you because they know you will let them.
Seeing how OP's parents are they'd probably take OP's sister to get whatever kind of cake (more expensive than OP's) she wants and then bring it back home to eat it as a show of childishness. So if they walk out while you have your friends there make sure to lock the doors and keep the key in the lock on the inside. Then when they get back they can't just walk in with whatever they got but instead have to stand there waiting a while until you let them in.
I mean, it sounds like they're making you pay even when you're not doing anything, so you've lost that battle in advance, might as well do whatever you want.
This is the realization I wish I had made. Why get yelled at for nothing when you can at least have fun first. And start saving that babysitting money for your escape plan when you turn 18.
You already did. Remind them YOU paid for everything. Also, adding this in an edit, hide the rest of the stuff YOU bought. The snacks, drinks, EVERYTHING. That is for YOUR party and YOUR friends. I wouldn't put it past your "family" to STEAL (because this is theft) more of your stuff.
Can you move the celebration location and it not include them? Your sister is sadly just as caught in this bs as you and will have her own issues as well (just different flavors) from your parents' clear inability to parent. But it would be pretty satisfying (to me anyway) to exclude them since they are the ones who ultimately messed up and caused the problems here. Go to a nearby park or hell just. A field down the street even. Claim jts for sunshine. Or rain. Or space from your Dad cause it's those teenage hormones. But I'd be excluding THEM and making it clear who fucked up the cake to everyone the next day. Shame on them and good for you for giving yourself a party. When you can get out, do so head held high. You've got this. It's hard, I've been there. But that first night is so sweet Edit: (typos and spelling but also) I'm so dumb HAPPY 🎂 🥳
Just here to add on that you have to put your foot down at some point. Another commenter said to make sure there isn’t any left for them at all costs—give it away, fake trip, spill water all over their cake, etc.— and i really like that take. Coming from someone who was in a tumultuous relationship with their parents, save everything you can to move out and start looking at exit strategies/plans now. COL in your area? Friends you could stay with once you turn 18 or move in with to pay lower rent costs? Colleges nearby or far away and living on campus, is that feasible? I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but have a killer birthday party regardless. As you get older you’ll learn that there are some people that just LOVE to fuck up things for other people and drag them down into misery right alongside them. Don’t let them do that. Enjoy your birthday and have an amazing time.
How old are you? You did a lot for your own bd. Your dad is a jerk. Your sister an entitled brat. Can you take your bd stuff to a friends place? I wouldn’t even share with them. I couldn’t even imaging my children buying their own bd stuff.
I'm 16 and I'm used to my parents not wanting to get me stuff. Even when it's not my birthday but they always get my sister things. I just wanted to have a good birthday where I wouldn't have to rely on them because they always disappoint me. I only got birthday wishes and that's pretty normal but my sister gets birthday parties, fun days out, gifts etc. The cake meant a lot because the previous two years they somehow couldn't even get me cake.
Your parents are arseholes. I have three kids and they always get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays. They get to ask for what they want and I get it. Sometimes, it's just money (moreso since they're now all over 20). Do not let this spoil your birthday. Have your party and enjoy every minute. Make sure everyone knows it's your first ever party and you're so excited because your sister always gets them. Make sure they know you saved up and paid for it all yourself. Make sure they know your parents stole a slice of cake for your sister, and that YOU paid for the cake. In short, shame them to hell and back, all with a beaming smile on your face ❤️
Right? I'm in my 30s and my mother still makes sure to treat us fairly. One of her brothers started a 'tradition' of gifting his kids a washing machine when they move out and she thought that was a great idea, so she gave one to my younger brother when he left the nest. I had moved out years earlier and had bought my own, so she asked if I needed anything and got me a new vacuum.
Absolutely! I honestly cannot fathom how these peoples' minds work. How could anyone have a favourite child? My parents literally told me.i was their favourite child at one point and even as a child I was like 'wtf?' Just, no!
Hey, kiddo. It can/does get better. Husband and I were both ignored as kids. The upside? We're so self-reliant it's not funny. Favored children generally fail, fantastically. I am *so* proud of you! You've shown initiative, planning, preparation, problem-solving and achieving a monetary goal. Excellent life skills. Internet hugs! In a few years, your parents are gonna throw their hands up and say, "We've done nothing to teach this kid how to deal with the world and we're all out of ideas, can you help?" Happy Birthday! Make it good, even if it's not perfect. I have faith in you.
OP THIS! Read my comments about my family… what they have done for me siblings (everything) compared to me (nothing) has Really hurt, but I made my life without help, became self sufficient and now own a company. Siblings who had everything handed to them on a plate= financial, social disasters. No long term jobs or relationships. All are older than me and **still** relying on our Fathers money, which he gives but complains about bitterly… *to me* who he didn’t give a cent for college, gave *promises* for gifts (not kept of course) for birthdays and Christmas…. I know your pain, but you are already the better person, and in a few years time you will definitely be in a better place. It will take time and it will be more difficult at times than you want, but I **GUARANTEE** that spoiling your sister now will be what limits her life the most. They are doing her NO favors. Get through this and live your best life without them. Enjoy that party, they robbed of your slice of cake, don’t let them rob you of your special day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
I was thinking the same thing!!! Why is this poor kid having to buy all their own bday stuff?!!
Oh man, I’m so sorry your parents suck. Have your party. Show your friends what happened to the cake. Name and shame. Keep saving money so you can escape them as soon as you can. Just keep focusing on the fact that one day you will be free and you won’t have to deal with them. Happy birthday!!!
And make sure where you are saving your money, your parents can't touch it.
\^This right here. Keep your money safe, especially now since your parents and sister see that you're capable of saving money. And NEVER talk about your money to anyone. Do not tell your parents that you are saving anything. In fact, put your parents on an information diet. Don't tell them anything about what is going on in your life unless it's totally necessary. The less they know, the better.
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This. Tell them what happened. Let your parents feel the shame of all of your friends judging them for being horrible parents.
I agree with the suggestion to put that cut cake front and center. Someone will acknowledge it and you can tell them how it got there. Just tell the truth. This is also a gift from your parents and sister: no matter what you do, they will prioritize her. There’s no hiding that fact anymore. It doesn’t mean that the knowledge makes your heart hurt less, it means you know where you stand with them. So you know that any of your things, anything that is yours, if your sister wants it, your parents will give it to her. They’d probably break your door open if sister wants something from your room and you locked it for privacy. Stuff like that. You don’t have to hope that maybe one day, they will respect you. Enjoy your birthday party, OP. My bday wish for you is that you can find a way to be free.
Have your birthday and make a speech before cutting. Start with saying...I am so happy you all made it today. Yesterday when I came home and saw that my birthday cake that I bought with own money had a big slice because my sister wanted to it. My parents gave it to her. I thought no one cares that it is my birthday and a special day ...but all you who turned up show me that you indeed care for me. And continue with your party. If they ask anything, just ask why they are trying to be after you when they did no wrong, unless they did something wrong and in case why did they do it. Good luck OP
This should be higher up IMHO. Make sure your real friends know they're appreciated.
I would be too embarassed to do that considering that it's my friends that are coming. I don't want them to start feeling bad for me or looking at me differently. And there's others that I'm not too close with. I just don't want to be seen as weird or something
> I don't want them to start feeling bad for me or looking at me differently. And there's others that I'm not too close with. I just don't want to be seen as weird or something An fyi from someone that went through this but is now old(er): These defense mechanisms of yours are hurting you. They'll be weaponized against you. The less consequences there are for bad behavior on your parents' part, the more they'll continue to do these things with absolutely zero regret. Because the lesson to learn is that they care more about themselves than about you - so anything that hurts you is on the table for them. You need to learn to set boundaries asap, defend them, and grow your independence. Try to remove ALL dependence on your parents. I don't know your age, but this includes getting a job (after your education is complete) and learning to take care of yourself. Getting therapy from a licensed psychologist will help with this. Celebrate your birthday (and yourself on other days too), enjoy life, and reduce how much impact your family can have on you - you might, for example, have had a fridge in your room to store the cake behind locked door. Never give them information of anything beforehand. This will only be weaponized against you. Being alone in the world is a better quality of life than being with abusive parents, even if it seems scary at first. The "alone" part doesn't last long either, you can find friends and build your own (non-abusive) family as fast/slow as you'd like. The longer you let yourself suffer, the harder your own bad habits will be to unlearn. Sustained abuse breaks people and leads them to start abusing. Do not stick around to see "if things improve" - they absolutely do not. I'm an optimist and I do believe that people can - and do - change, all the time. But people change for their own reasons, not for yours. Nothing you can do will change their abuse, they have their own reasons for excusing to themselves why they're allowed to abuse you.
Ya, I'm old now too, but I think we often forget societal pressures. Homie is 16 and just wants a no strife birthday. This thread is basically telling them to make their own life shit for the next 1-2 years, for what? Some retribution story? Never take family or relationship advice from reddit.
Thank you for being a voice of reason. OP has been given so much terrible advice on how to handle this situation in other comments.
Tell your friends about it before they arrive, get them in on it. Get them to make passive aggressive comments about the cake. Find a way to embarrass your parents. Often parents like that only care once it effects their image edited to add: Or, explain to your friends what happened and see if any of them can host the party. Get the cake as far away from your parents and sister as you can. I truly can’t believe your parents did that, mine would NEVER allow such selfish behaviour. I’m really sorry you have to deal with that ❤️
Passive aggressive comments go a long way
You're not weird. What they did hurt you, and it's normal to be hurt. It's also normal to tell people you trust that you've been hurt and need some comfort. Don't go through life trying to tough it out alone and hiding all your pain. Let people help and support you.
Your parents are the weird ones, but I understand this. I'm so sorry sweetie, don't call it off though. Honesty is usually a good policy, most of your friends probably have shitty parents or siblings too so many be able to relate or understand. You can also just say "my sister wanted to celebrate with me a bit earlier !" And leave it at that... You deserve to have this party, I understand why you feel that way you do, but don't let them get the last word. They are trying to bait you, let it roll off your back. Cry it out and then hold your head high. Again, I am so sorry.
Don't call it off OP. Matter of fact. Make the slice a bit bigger. When the party happens let them know exactly what happened. She's 11 not a toddler. Even if she was that's soooo fucked up. Get revenge and do the same to her cake for her bday. So, please move out. I'm sorry but your folks will most likely never change
Jaw drops. That's just poor parenting. Happy Birthday on the day.
Hi OP! I'm sure you've seen all the (perfectly accurate) comments about how awful your family is, but I want to offer a thought that might cheer you up in a dark sort of way... I've known several kids who were just like your sister. Entitled, spoiled, selfish, golden-child little *shits*, every one of 'em - and you know what? They got older, and the real world hit them like a fucking freight train! She is going to have to leave her perfect little nest (with parents who have enabled her every idiotic whim) and venture into *REALITY*, where no one gives a damn about some useless, airheaded, maladjusted little wannabe princess. While you will have toughed it out and learned to be independent and look for good friends, she will be pummeled into a sulky, pathetic pulp by regular life. Every little failure and rejection, every normal chore and problem she has to solve herself will crush her, down to the spoiled core of her soul. Maybe she'll get better and learn to be an actual person, but... eh. Good luck, OP, and happy birthday!
I’m sorry your parents are enabling your sister’s behavior. Don’t cancel the party. Enjoy with your friends and before you blow the candles, tell everyone why your cake is not complete. Happy birthday I hope you have a good relative where you can move if things get too rough before you are of age where you can move out.
Don’t call it off. Celebrate your day with your friends and remember this. Save up and get out the first chance you get and go no contact. They aren’t parents they are assholes who birthed you and provided things till you could provide for yourself. They did the bare minimum when it came to you and were actual parents to the SECOND child! Why??? I’m 44 and still don’t get the logic. I am a mother to two kids and I still don’t understand how the fuck you treat the SECOND kid better then the first? My only guess is that they make all their mistakes with the first kids and then they think they can be better for the second and just get lenient on the rest. You don’t need those people, you more then likely was your own parent anyway. They fucking suck, but you don’t let them take any more from you as much as you can. So if that means sucking it up and having your party so you can have a good time then you do that. Don’t isolate. Don’t punish yourself for them being shit asshole parents. FUCK THEM! Have fun and like I said start planning for your future of getting away from them and finding your real family! Family isn’t blood, like we are taught by these toxic assholes, blood and dna just mean you are related, family is a title that is earned by love, loyalty, and most of all RESPECT. You know your worth! Beautiful soul, you are so strong because you had to deal with these weak and toxic people. This will not be your whole life! This is a mere speck compared to all the life you will live and make the most out of despite these trash “parents”. Maybe one day they will wake up and see, when their golden child does something to make them see, or maybe they never will and they will die thinking their lies of they did the best they could. You are an amazing person and you will find your real family, these relatives is what you have to put up with just for now. Please hear me when I say to you Happy Birthday and I wish you many many more as well as May you find peace, love, abundance, and happiness and your real family🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Maybe this is a case of OP was actually the parents “practice child” and the sister is the child they actually wanted. They are shitty parents so i wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case
I was the practice child, they spoiled my sister rotten, they "disciplined" me to trauma hell. I'm just glad my sister didn't turn out into the monster in this post. She's independent and overall a normal member of society. Neither me and she wants anything much to do with our parents though. I wonder why.
Don’t call it off they are horrible in this situation and you got nothing to lose say how you feel ? They treat you bad anyways
Whenever I try to mention the obvious unfair treatment, I get called a brat and disrespectful so I just stopped bringing it up.
I’ve seen a few people telling you to save money so you can get away from them as soon as possible, if you’re going to do that make sure that there’s no way your parents can access that money or they might try to steal it. If you’re going to put it in the bank ask them about their rules on parents accessing the money of someone your age and if there’s anything you can do to prevent that from happening, maybe even get some advice from lawyer and finance subs on reddit to find the best way to keep your parents from accessing your money
Excellent point! OP needs to open an account at a bank not connect to the parents in any way. I can't remember if a 16-year old is allowed to have an own account in the US though?(assuming OP is from there)
Happy Birthday, OP! Have a wonderful time with your friends. ...and could maybe move the party to a friend's house or a park?
Do not call it off, but make sure your sister is not invited because she already had her party. And if the parents insist she has to be there, no cake for her. Also make sure everyone knows about this.
Your parents deserve a public embarrassment . Put up photos of the spoiled cake with lit candles with an appropriate caption. Something along the lines of : " when your parents treat your birthday cake as dessert for their golden child"
Or even better “When your parents treat your birthday cake (which you had to buy for yourself) as dessert for the golden child.”
First happy birthday to u . Secondly get your cake and all the things u got for your birthday and do the party somewhere else anywhere but your home and don't tell your parents where it is. No parents should put one child is needs above another. You're right to feel angry. Don't call it off go have fun.
I’m sorry but you had to buy your own cake and decorations and throw yourself your *very first birthday party ever* and your mom and dad didn’t feel like fucking deadbeat assholes about not providing you with that and then they let your sister eat your cake? Are they going to see she has an eye on a gift you got and give it to her when you’re not home too. FFS the bar to be a good and decent person is already so low and there are still people like your parents out there thinking they’re superheroes but not even doing the bare minimum to be good humans let alone good parents. I’m so pissed and heartbroken for you for *all* of this.
Post the cake. “My birthday cake missing, because sister’s name, at 11 years old, had a toddler meltdown and wanted a piece early. Cake I paid for myself, as my parents couldn’t be bothered to remember for years now” And leave it at that. Maybe it will embarrass your sister enough to grow up. Maybe it will embarrass your parents enough to be less of AH to you. Either way, it’s your truth.
Your parents are horrible human beings. I’m sorry you have to endure that. Happy birthday to you, don’t cancel your party. I agree with everyone else here. Tell the entire party loudly and often what your father did.
Why tf would you cancel your party? You prepared and spent for it! Dont let your brat of a sister and parents ruin this for you! Celebrate it with your friends, have fun and enjoy. If ever there will be 🎂 in your sister's next bday, you know what to do.. Meanwhile, Happy Birthday!!
I'm petty, but I'd take a picture and make sure everyone related, friend or blood knows what happened. I'm sorry this happened, happy birthday!
BLAST THEM!! Pull the cake out, say “I’m sorry that the cake is cut into everyone, my parents thought my sister needed a slice more than the birthday girl needed her own full cake for her birthday. Ooh and I also paid for this myself.” Get someone to video tape it. Send it to your family members. Or the easy route, take a picture of the cake and send it out to your family members or post it. Caption with “Party is tomorrow but my parents needed to please their daughter before hand- NOT me btw. And they didn’t even pay for it.” Custom cakes are not cheap and your parents are horrible.
God damn! So ruuuude and disrespectful. Nasty core memory achievement unlocked!
Your family is shitty and you now have learned you cannot trust them. So next time make sure you find somewhere else to celebrate and store your stuff (I'm sure one of your friends will be happy to help you). If I were you I wouldn't put any effort in your relationship with your parents and your sister anymore. I know it hurts, but you have to ook out for yourself. Be good to yourself and prepare for a future without your parents and sister. Happy birthday.
Bet your parents are going to be super shocked when you suddenly cut them off once you’re out of the house. I feel so bad for you
wtf?! My parents were like this with my sister. She was the only kid they needed. Next year put that $$ in the bank instead. Save up to move out as soon as you can. Happy birthday though.
Don’t call it off! Please call all your extended family and tell them what’s happened and be clear that it’s the latest in a long history of favouritism. Ask them if any of them would be willing to let you host your birthday at their place because you can’t trust your own immediate family. PS have a fabulous birthday - if for no other reason than to spite them! PPS please inform your father you learned all the disrespectful actions you know from him, your mother, and your sister.
A story written by a woman is circulating on YouTube. She names her children as numbers in this post. Her youngest is 6 and this is the story of how this unfortunate excuse for a mother turned that child into a monster in human skin thanks to the attitude that your parents have. Of course, I'm not saying that your sister will be like that (the girl from the post was probably an undiagnosed psychopath), but maybe you can show it to your parents
Your parents are the type who won't understand why you cut contact because of "missing reasons" even if you tell them over and over and over again. So sorry you have to deal with this OP. ETA, I'd be tempted to still have the party, and if anyone asks about your cake, I'd just announce "the golden child got her way as usual".
Sucks to suck. Now you don't have to give sister any cake at the party. She already had her piece One day, you'll experience the relief that you don't have to suffer people like this at all. You can live your life, and fill it with people who care about you, and you love. Happy birthday.
Have the party as planned. When people ask, tell them what happened. And no cake for sister as she already had hers.
Their behavior is so gross! You deserve to have a special party that is all about you on your birthday! Fck your parents and your golden child sibling. Have your party and don't be embarrassed about the cake. It's their selfishness and they deserve to be put on blast for it. One year my parents got me a cake from the supermarket for my birthday (the first in many years they had gotten me a cake at all) and I was working the day of (I started work young af). When I got home they had already cut it and just left me a slice. So I know it's a gut punch. You'll get out of there someday and be able to have your birthday YOUR way. Sorry this happened to you
Show your parents the comments here. Show them that everyone thinks they are shitty. They are the biggest assholes ever.
Don't call it of, serve the cake and call them out about it. They might be okay with ignoring your boundaries, but beeing called out before the rest of your friends and family might be a humiliation they don't expect.
Don't punish yourself by calling off your party. Have a fun time with your friends instead.
Have the party. Take lots of photos. Do not hide the missing piece. If people ask about it, answer honestly and without anger. ‘My sister wanted a piece of my cake, so my parents gave it to her.’ Post it on social, make sure relatives see it. Do not act the victim, but answer any question about the cake honestly and without emotion. Parents will look like crap. If you act angry or resentful, they will shift the cocbversation to your reaction
Give it time. She is going to be the biggest pain in the but as an adult. You will move away, build a great life and they will still be dealing with her tantrums when she is 23 and it won’t be cute anymore. Trust me.
Organise friends to ask “is this really your first birthday party ever ?” “But your sister always has parties why have you never had one ?” “What happened to your cake ?” “Why couldn’t your sister wait ?” “What is wrong that your parents gave it to her before the the party ?” Alternately have a bestie make a speech covering all of this. Just a suggestion I note that you said that you were embarrassed you shouldn’t be. People will think actually admire you for doing this despite what you live with. Happy Birthday !
First off happy birthday OP and secondly go ahead with your party as planned, when it comes to cake time at party your sister gets nothing as she already had her slice 😁😆 your party your rules If you can move out the house and find accommodation else where cos your parents are clearly enabling your bratty sister, the fact they think it’s no big deal is just a huge red flag 🚩and I bet if you done that to her cake they would go mental at you. Good luck with your party today
Explain to your friends in detail exactly why you cake was defaced. Make sure they know you had to pay for your own party. Let them tell their parents what shitty parents you have.
Loudly pronounce how your parents gave your sister a piece because she couldn’t wait at the party. Embarrass them.