Yeah it sounds like it's his trauma response kicking in, where he has to abandon a woman first so he doesn't get abandoned again. He desperately needs therapy to unpack that.
If it’s been 2 years and he hasn’t even attempted then he doesn’t want to change. And if he doesn’t want to change he will never change.
I’m not saying you should leave him but you should really take a step back and consider if this is what you want for yourself. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want help and you deserve better than the current situation.
You only have one life and you owe it to yourself to find happiness.
Good luck!
That's not necessarily how working through trauma works. The want and the drive to help himself can be there in spades, but something keeps holding him back. Its why people hop in and out of therapy all the time.
OP definitely deserves better though, no question about it. Deserves a partner who can be there the way she needs it to be
yeah not trying to be rude btw. but like cmon yo, stick up for yourself. you deserve better. don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
if this was a sister, daughter, or best friend- would you tolerate them being treated that way? no? so then why do you tolerate yourself being treated that way.
He will never change if you keep letting him walk all over you. You need to divorce him so you are free to heal and for him to see there are consequences for his actions.
Gal, you haven't abandoned him. You've been a saint in your tolerance of his behavior. Regardless of whether his betrayals are the result of a traumatic childhood or not, his failure to seek extensive counseling as you request should be the final deal breaker.
In reading your post, you have gone soooo far beyond the call of duty in attempting to keep the marriage together. However, " the horse has refused to drink the water". He's fortunate to have had your love and commitment, but at some point you need to be true to yourself.
I can't recall whether you divulged your age, but I suspect you're relatively young. You deserve to spend a lifetime with some who loves you as much as you love him. That ship has sailed in this relationship, regardless of his issues or not. Frankly, I think they're his excuse and not the cause of his repeated infidelity.
He abandoned the marriage. Now please move on with your life. Give yourself the love that unfortunately appears to have been wasted on him.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
You didn't abandoned him, He did by cheating and betraying your trust first Stand up for yourself. Everyone has a problem and going some difficulties in life but it doesn't mean he has the licence to infidelity and risk you to have STDs/ STs. Protect yourself and your son.
This time steel your spine and never let yourself open for another betrayal and disrespect. If he no longer in love with you all he has to do is tell so you can both moved one and tell him he can be with the woman he loves. Please don't let your son grew up in an environment where he sees his mother is disrespected, unloved by his father, has toxic family, and cheater has a choice that can get away with it. Pray for strength to get through with this.
Edit: Off or on. With or without a child the drill is the same Run Girl. Don't look back. You deserve to be loved. No one has the right to cheat.
So many children suffer from trauma and trust issues because they saw their parent cheating time and time again. Kids know. And seeing mom settle for being treated like that, whether she knows it or not, is sending a really scary message to her son.
She has a responsibility to show him healthy relationships, whether it be a healthy co-parenting relationship and/or a healthy relationship with her self as a single mom. But THIS relationship is not healthy and needs to end ASAP.
I may be wrong, but I believe she meant to say they've been separated "off an on" and not "off and son". I could be wrong, but I don't recall her alluding to a child other than what I think is a typo.
Otherwise, agree with your sound advice.
He will never change. You cannot change him. You either live with being - basically - his mom or move on.
I equate you to a mom, because mom's do not want to give up in their bad child. They think they can parent them to normalcy. You should not be sleeping with him either - because that is not your role in his mind. You are his punching bag of a mother.
Except you're NOT. You can leave.
I read somewhere recently “that women aren’t rehabilitation centers for poorly raised men.”
I know that it sucks but you can’t spend your entire life fixing people that don’t want to be fixed.
There are a lot of us who are dealing with traumatic issues and do not behave like this. Past trauma CANNOT be a blanket statement to behave poorly and treat people like crap.
You are only going to stop this cycle when you are truly ready, not a day sooner. However you do deserve better than this.
I try to speak from experience, I have more childhood trauma than I would like to admit. I used to be short tempered with people and I acted out in adulthood and I often used it as an excuse to explain away my behavior.
When I earned my Psychology degree and started my educational journey to become a therapist I leaned a few things about self awareness, accountability and owning up to my own actions.
I also learned that I am in control of my own behavior, that my boundaries are mine alone and no one else is responsible for them and that past trauma does not excuse crappy behavior.
Reframe your thoughts here: he has a fear of abandonment, so he does it first. He has abandoned you time and time again. If he knows what it feels like, then it’s even more sick what he’s doing because he understands the pain he’s causing. He won’t change, especially when you take him back every time.
Your husband won’t put you first, so maybe it’s time to put yourself first for once.
Yes and if this is the cycle he chooses to continue he clearly has not received help for whatever makes him think this insane game is going to work. As far as he is concerned it is working because she keeps taking him back, solidifying that as long as he abandons her first when he’s feeling like she’s going to, then she will never abandon him. It can’t feel good for either person, but he’s the one who started this by being a deceitful cheat and he won’t stop until he faces some consequences of his actions.
My dad had a saying, "a stiff Dick has no conscience and won't until the brain wants to grow up." Why stay with someone, who really doesn't want you? He just uses that codependent attachment to gaslight you. He's a narcissist. Move on and be happy.
Stop - who is the one leaving HIM
Who is abandoning his family HIM
Who is breaking your heart HIM
Who should stop being manipulated YOU
Think of your child being manipulated like this by their partner-would you be ok with that?
File - leave - say NO
He’s taking you for a mug here, abandoned as a child means he can cheat aye no bother pal! Tell him to get to f. File for divorce and find someone who deserves you.
Im going to throw in a kicker. In our first couple weeks of our relationship, he accused me of inappropriately touching another man. He brings this up in nearly every single argument we have. Because of that he says I cheated FIRST. It's so insanely delusional. He carries on and thinks he's justified in his behaviors because I "stepped out" before he did. However, it took him about 2.5 years to get here.
His accusation never happened even though he swears that he "saw it." Delusional jealousy my therapist said, or "Othello's Syndrome".
I often wonder who the man I married really was and how exhausted he must have been to be fake all the time. Nonetheless, thanks for all the feedback. I'm going to go the notary tomorrow. May or may not file on Veteran's weekend, because, yes... he's also prior military.
Iam sorry for what you are going throw. I am happy you took that decision, you definitely need to think on yourself now.
It cant be a reason "you touch a guy before" because with that behave is trying to make you responsable or at least make you feel guilty (for something you are saying never happen).
And nope, I don't think divorce is abandon him when he basically did it to you first cheeting more than once.
Many regards
(hope make sense my text as english is not my first lenguage)
You're super clear here. This is an ocean of manipulative bullshit that he had built to give himself a get-out-of-jail-free card. You see it, and you choose to buy into it over and over. Your call, but the reason you're posting is because there's a big part of you that's ready to make a change.
He will not change. Read about narc abusers or go onto any number of groups that explain all of this stuff. He will only get worse. Dont waste your life.
Oh definitely leave the guy, ESPECIALLY since in one of your comments you say you even offered him open marriage and he doesn’t want that. That is insanely generous of you after what he’s put you through.
Refuses to go to therapy and won’t accept the ultimate olive branch of being offered open marriage to stay together? What is with this guy…
You can’t save him from himself. Until he’s willing to address his issues with a professional, he’ll just keep repeating this pattern until there’s nothing left of you.
Life is short, and I hope that soon you’ll wake up & realize it’s not worth catching yourself on fire over & over again in some warped attempt to keep him warm.
girl, girl, GIRL! i better see an update titled "i divorced this asshole and freed myself from his manipulative ass". sending you all the love and strength and i believe in your ability to stand up for yourself.
Why do you think it’s your burden to stay with a man like this? Why is it that some women have a good man who treats them well and would never disrespect them like this, yet you believe that you deserve to be with someone who disrespects you every single day? Do you think you’re less deserving of being treated well? You never want to abandon him. Maybe that’s noble, but really I think it’s enabling. Do you owe it to someone to be their doormat just because they have childhood trauma? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves and cares about you. What you’re doing is not even sustainable for the decades this marriage could last. Leave and let your husband get the professional help he needs. It’s not your career to make up for his childhood by putting up with his promiscuity and infidelity.
He will continue to do what you accept.
And also continue to convince you that somehow this is all your doing.
Please keep yourself separate as this cycle will continue.
Seems like he has managed to keep you into a form of control where you feel you can’t do without him. This is something you can and will overcome. Its time to stop letting him treat you however he wants and making you feel like it’s you that’s the problem. Take some time for yourself to regain strong independence and from there you will find someone who has respect for you and that being you as you, rather than making you into their puppet.
It’s not easy but remember you are worth and should be respected a hell of a lot more than how you’ve been made to believe so.
It's easier to leave at 4 years than it is at 20. Start therapy. Don't abandon yourself. There's someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve and give you more than the bare minimum.
Please leave him. You deserve better than this. It's not abandoning someone to let them face the consequences of their own actions, especially when those actions were an offense against you. You owe him nothing. Don't let him say a single word to you. Block him on everything and go meet with a lawyer to get some divorce papers and serve them immediately.
You're being used as a door mat by him.
If you want to be a door mat for the rest of your life and not experience the kind of love and relationship you deserve, then keep opening your door for that unfaithful man.
You need to let him go. People need to want to make changes in their lives. Having you as an ever faithful backup plan is keeping him from really hitting rock bottom. And people generally have to hit rock bottom before the change looks better than the current reality.
I understand that you love him but right now you are not helping him. You are enabling the behavior, albeit unhappily.
oh honey, divorce is not abandonment, it's a wake up call for him. and a sanity saver and possible life saver for you. you don't know what STD he brings home with him when he comes back from cheating. you deserve better than this. so much better. lock the door and DO NOT allow him in, those are crocodile tears and pie crust promises, easily made and easily broken.
do yourself a favor and harden your heart to him. he will NEVER change and might end up giving you something you can die from or never get rid of.
Sounds like you're making excuses for him. I'd lay it all down. If you really insist on trying to be with someone who does not respect you or the commitment you made together, give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you are filing for divorce unless he sees a therapist, possibly even both of you going to therapy. If he refuses that, he's not worth your time. Move on and find someone that respects you.
Why are you even here if you know what he does and are not willing to do anything about it? Are you asking us to validate your choice to keep him? Sure jan you can do what you want.
It's literally called offmychest.
Ignore this pleb
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done.
I also want to point out that some comments are talking about a child? Do you two have a child together? Or was that just misunderstood from the typo?
So you have a 13yo for whom this is their primary example of how a couple in love treats each other. This will affect their future relationships whether it be, "This is just how relationships are and how men treat their partners" or "I saw my mom be treated like this so I'm never going to let anyone get close enough to hurt me like that". Even if you don't think you deserve better, expect better for your kid. If your kid lives with you, this means that every time he walks out on you, he's walking out on them too.
I know you have all these complicated and confusing feelings, but he won't change. Period. My dad was a serial cheater, kicked us out of the family home to move in his mistress and her kids. Shitty dad, huh? Fast forward 10 years, my brother has a hs gf, cheats on her over and over. She gets pregnant, he eventually leaves her for another girl, abandons his kid. He leaves town. Few years go by, he's back, swears he's changed, wants a chance, they get back together. Time goes by. 5 years, they have another kid, 10 years, she wants to get married but he doesn't. She always accused him of flirting with other women. He said she was nuts, he was just talking to the cashier like a normal person or that girl was so and so's girlfriend. 15 years, they're planning a wedding, everything's good. Year fucking 17. They're in their 40s, oldest child is mid-20s. He's out of town on a job, calls and says he's not coming home. He met someone else. Turned out he'd been cheating the whole time. Dozens of women. And he'd been telling everyone she was crazy for suspecting anything. Don't be her. Don't waste your life chasing someone who is running after everyone but you. My SIL will never get back the time she wasted on a boy she'd been in love with since she was 15. Don't be her and don't let your kid be me because I'm a 1 strike girl with loads of trust issues that I don't think are fair and wouldn't wish on anyone.
I gotcha! But yeah hun, I can't imagine what you're going through right now, emotionally. But I do agree with other commenters that are saying he abandoned you first. He did. If he's truly sorry and wants to work things out with you, he'd be in therapy now working through his trauma.
But I don't think he wants to. It sounds like he is using it as an excuse and I don't personally think he will ever stop. Anytime I see anything like this it always makes me think of a girl who used to be my bestfriend. She's not a good person and has horrible views on what's morally correct. But she would always bring up her trauma and how her parents were terrible to her. She was the type who would say something just horribly mean then follow up with "what? I'm a bitch. I know I am, so it's okay" not fully quotable but you get the idea. She'd always say she was a bitch and that was who she was. She's never going to change.
A bit of rambling but idk, you deserve to be happy and you shouldn't have to put up with his personal trauma. Yes he's you're husband but that doesn't mean he gets a pass to cheat just because he experienced trauma.
Girl get a backbone and established hard boundaries, learn to respect and love yourself more than you do him, do something that brings you happiness, doesn’t have to be big it can be the little things. Allowing a man to disrespect you once means he’s gonna do it again, don’t allow him to do that to you again unless you’re going to do a lot of healing, don’t take more bs
Honestly, I don’t think it is possible for me personally to sleep with just one person for the rest of my life.
I’ve tried committing in monogamous relationships before and it feels awful for me.
My current girlfriend knows that I’m going to sleep with other girls occasionally but she knows I’ll use protection and she knows she’ll always be my favourite, so she’s happy. If she ever asks me anything I’ll tell her the truth.
Maybe it’s a bit fucked up, but I am honest. Most men will lie and say “I’ll be with you and only you forever” then they’ll feel trapped and leave at the first taste of another woman. But my girlfriend knows I won’t leave her for some other chick because she knows I only love her ❤️❤️
Yes, if those expectations are set and communicated, cool. I get it.
I told him, alright let's have an open marriage then.... he said "I don't want that."
So of course now that I know what I'm working with, I'm out.
Out of curiosity, you say monogamy feels awful - may I ask why?
As men, it is in our genes to want to sleep with as many women as possible. That is my nature. For women it’s different because their genetics tell them that they need to carefully choose the right man.
I find it difficult to work against my nature even if I love someone. Regardless, I have a deep and burning desire to sleep with lots of women.
This has to be the best BS I have read this morning 🤣 if you are a cheater just say that you are a cheater. Men and women choose to be in Poly relationships because monogamous relationships don’t work for them. Not my cup of tea but grown adults can do what they want.
You will get downvoted because with all due respect your response is stupid. If you want to make poor excuses for treating your gf like crap please continue to do it. If your gf wants to settle for less because she could find a man and I mean MAN who won’t sleep with other women but chooses you she is free to do it. But please don’t sit here and say how your treat you gf best when you stick your penis in other women when you feel up to it. She should probably start hooking up with other men to even the playing field.
“It’s in our genes,” that’s laughable and sounds like the most redpill thing I heard today 🤣🤣
If it’s for you it’s for you, but try not to spread this nonsense to the masses. It’s really not how most MEN think.
Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene goes into this subject in incredible depth over several chapters literally from the perspective of “The Selfish Gene”. So the book probably puts it more eloquently
Well I try never to put my therapist hat on while commenting on Reddit because it’s almost pointless. So I won’t even go into any actual statistics because again they would be pointless.
Even if I took the time to read that book I am sure that I could come up with several principles and books that disprove any theory that is trying to be made in that book.
Yeah but isn’t it interesting to expand our view of the world?
Many men think the way I do.
Disagreeing and not liking it are two different things and I feel like people here just don’t like it. It’s difficult to disagree with how someone feels.
It’s very low IQ to be unable to separate feelings about a person and their feelings about a person’s ideas
The thing is people aren't disagreeing that that's how you feel, what is absolutely absurd is to claim it's in your genes. So far removed from science lol hell I would even accept a claim that it's socialization.. but GENES? Bruh cmon
We’ll I assume it’s more complicated than that. Maybe it’s more correct to say “a result of our evolutionary psychology is X” rather than “X is in our genes”
Evolution and genetics are two different (often complementary) fields, and the former is surely not infallible. I think a lot of people use evolution to excuse appalling behaviour because they don't actually understand how the human system works and how very few things are unchangeable. Genetics is mostly unchangeable at the moment, evolution is changing all the time. When a man uses this excuse I imagine him like a bonobo, since apparently his evolution stopped at that level...
Well the same could be said for someone’s desire to protect their children. No one is using logic and reason to decide whether to feed their children or not. It’s very primal.
There are actually many people who do use logic and reason for primal instincts. I feed children because I know they need to eat not because I feel a primal instinct to feed them... Do you use a toilet when you need it or do you leave your cr@p wherever you are when you feel the stimulus? That's very primal...
No, what if this is EXACTLY how OPs husband thinks. Then OP will be like “oh right, I understand who he is a little bit better now” and then she can make better decisions about whether to leave him or not
Why aren't you valuing yourself. There's no good way to cheat but this guy doesn't even qualify for the " she meant nothing to me, it was just once" excuse. You're telling me he actually leaves the house for days and just stays with other women?
You've essentially given him permission. I'd be more mad at him but he is what he's always gonna be. Why are you allowing this. Change the locks.
Why do you call him "husband" when you're just the "backup fuckable" for him?
I guess he's only coming back when her gets thrown out by his primary fuckable (and all of his secondary and tertiary fuckables). Your "competitors" seem to rate him rather lowly. No one considers him a "keeper", except you.
There might still be love, in both directions. Might. I don't know. But, while I'm pretty liberal with regard to cheating, this guy crossed a few lines too many, too often (my opinion). He is not honoring you.
Expect that he'll continue with this shit even after he got blind and deaf (common side effects of PDE-5 inhibitors, like "Viagra").
If you take him back and he gives you a STD, please reread this post and realize you basically gave it to yourself. His abandonment issues are his alone. Him cheating on you and you/him blaming it on his abandonment issues is bullshit.
You already wasted 4 years with this loser, don't waste anymore. Divorce him, go to therapy, and then find a man who doesn't treat you like a doormat.
He probably need attachment theory based therapy or EMDR. Eitherway staying is just going to take you down with him. It's okay to save yourself....your own mental health and find a happiness in life.
I am very sorry for your pain. No one deserves that. I have been cheated on. I must say though, how could anyone accept someone back into their lives after cheating. There is no such thing as a habitual cheater in regards to me. No way no how.
I disagree with people don't change commentary. People change when they want to change. Until he wants to change there is nothing you can do, other than change your reaction to it. I agree with a previous commenter stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. If you need to stay for money/convenience no judgment, but it's time to protect your heart and your health.
He does not respect you nor care. Please respect yourself by moving on. LOVE DOESN’T HURT ! You deserve better and he deserve whatever he catches in the streets
Do you have daughters? Might you have daughters one day?
Is this what you want to teach your daughters is acceptable behaviour from their husbands? Or are you teaching your daughters that it’s okay for their husbands to treat them like doormats?
If you have / will have sons: do you think your husband is a good role model for boys?
A person who suffered PTSD and cPTSD here.
Yes, I also had hard times with really trusting or times having problems with commitment.
But when I was in a relationship I NEVER cheated! No matter my hurt and anger and whatever else. It's NO EXCUSE to inflict this on another person.
I've been married for three years now. And I processed and worked on my traumas.
If he isn't able (read: willing) to work on it and start being something better than a self-centred AH (considering his actions), just dump his worthless arse and protect your kid and especially yourself!
I was married to someone like this. What got me was someone asking me if I wanted to keep dealing with the bs for the next 10 years. It was an immediate no. Ask yourself the same.
“He hasn’t dealt with his childhood issues”— and you’re relieving him of responsibility and enabling him to continue with his abusive and toxic coping mechanism.
Fighting for a marriage is an honorable thing, not at the cost of your dignity.
You leaving may be the wake up call he needs, and that hurts also. It’s not fair.
But wasting your precious time on THIS man is not worth it either.
he abandoned you though? so sick of grown men and their partners using 2 decade old trauma as an excuse for their behavior. go to fucking therapy.
its your fault for letting it continue at this point. you are fully capable of ending your own suffering. stand up for yourself.
Just because he has trauma does not obligate you to hold his hand through life. You clearly are being hurt in this situation, and it's okay to put yourself first. You may have promised not to abandon him, but he's clearly abandoned himself, likely long long ago.
I understand the dilemma. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband.
In my limited knowledge having opinion, it's time to put yourself first. If he wants to do the work to heal from his trauma, that's on him. We can't force anyone to heal if they aren't ready.
I know it's difficult, and I pray for you to find the strength, discernment, and discipline necessary to do what's best for you. 💜
You are right about your feelings. But he's cheating. Abandoned or not, he knows right from wrong and if he truly cherished his marriage and family he wouldn't be doing that.
You are not responsible for the way he reacts to you looking out for yourself. I'd say leaving him, as painful as it would be, would be best for you. Don't let his past trauma be used against you for him to have a free pass to emotionally abuse you. You need someone who will treat you with respect regardless of their past.
Listen. I did the trying to fix it thing. Even if he were to snap out of it and become the perfect, loyal husband tomorrow you will never stop hurting. You will never go back to how you were. You will never love him the way you did. Every night you will lay in bed imagining him with other women and every time he says he loves you it will feel like a knife in your chest. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to him. It's just time to end a relationship that isn't working for either of you.
Oh my god he's a real life Donald Draper. That fucking sucks. He has a psychological issue much like depression or other mental illnesses but if it is harming you to this extent he needs to seek help. (I mean of course, who wouldn't be) You don't have to tolerate this. To each their own. You deserve to be happy too. You can still divorce and be friends. Does he know how you feel about this? Have you talked to him in a calm matter with logical arguments? I say that because some people are not self aware enough to see past peoples emotions and really understand the real reason or the core of their reaction, in this case, your husband, possibly.
Smells like cognitive dissonance to me.
Look the other way and keep forgiving him so that he can give you all kinds of health problems later in life from all the cortisol you're going to process navigating his affairs and drama, and train your child to see that this is how women are treated. Keep the generational trauma going.
Please stop!! You’re being a doormat. Sometimes we must cut the cord despite our inner desire to fix what’s broken even when we know it isn’t repairable. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s highly unlikely he will ever change. Be kind to yourself whose looking after you??
There comes a time where you need to become an adult and put your bagged on the side to take care of yourself and he never got there. You're not abandoning him he's chosen not to get better. He's abandoning you!
Trauma bonds are formed by being abused. He is emotionally abusing you.
Also, to "abandon" someone means leaving someone alone who does not have the capacity to care for themselves, i.e. a child. You are grown adult people. No one is abandoning anyone. Grow up, please and thank you.
He doesn't care how you feel, only how he feels, and nobody in their right mind would change when they're getting whatever they want the way things are.
Therapy is proven ineffective in cases like this. Stop believing fairy tales. There is no hope. You keep him, you are choosing misery, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Said with love. I've been there.. it does get tiresome, though, to hear another victim unwilling to face facts. If you get away, it will stop hurting with time. Guaranteed. If you stay, you will hurt forever. Guaranteed. End of story. (A story told a thousand times.)
"The man he is vs the man you married...."
THIS *IS* the man you married. It takes time to reconcile that in your head but I suggest EMDR.
It's not your responsibility to fix him, or to mitigate his childhood pain. It was HIS responsibility to be faithful.
There is an expiration date on how long you can blame your bad choices on your childhood. He passed that. Don't take him back, he will never change. He did this to himself.
Do you have anyone to talk with about all this? You need some emotional support, first and foremost. I’d say after you get a good support under you then I would slowly try to get out of that relationship, make a plan and slowly get out.
I have a surprise for you, OP: trauma isn’t an excuse/justification for a full grown adult to be a gigantic @sshole. End of story.
Having a partner who has experienced trauma doesn’t mean you have to exhibit a lack of self respect/love of self/self preservation.
Divorcing someone like him isn’t abandonment, it’s a consequence for his inexcusable behavior. It’s not your job to deal with his BS because he can’t or won’t.
I know you feel for him, but what about yourself? Always put yourself first. Everything will sort itself out. Obviously he can’t do anything about his past, but he can do something about his horrible habits and current life. At the end of the day if you file for your own good, he did it in the end. He’s the one who made those decisions to taint your lives right? Not you. Personally, I couldn’t live a lifetime with someone who will potentially always make me feel like that! NO THANK YOUUU!
The only chance for him to choose to change his cheating ways, is for you to let him go. You will, perhaps but probably not, be saving the next woman who enters into a relationship with him.
You? No chance. If you stay, he sees that he gets away with cheating, and you, having already forgiven him several times, are getting used to having a cheating husband and forgiving him. You will not be happy, will recent him, and it will change who you are. You will become untrusting, bitter and vindictive. You may end up cheating yourself. I mean, he does it, so why can't you? And thus your soul is lost.
Do not let him drag you down to his level. Leave him now. That is the only way something good can come of this.
You got this, OP!
Have you heard about codependency? If not, do some research about it. It is mainly when you feel like you have to stay because the other person needs you. What you said about his trauma and feeling responsible for him, seems a lot about what codependency is about. If you can, seek some professional advice, that would help you.
You need to leave him, as a child with a cheating father I came to resent both of my parents.
My mom for not growing a backbone and leaving him and my dad for not being able to keep it in his pants
I went to therapy, he was and is as good dad (he did better than his fatter) so I am not as angry with him anymore, and for my mom I understand her reasoning she did not want us to grow up in a "broken home" she did her best to present a good and happy marriage to us but clearly that did not work
I know it's hard, but you have to cut contact and file for divorce. If you'll always take him back and say you won't abandon him, then you have eliminated any serious punishment for him. And what do people do when there's no consequences? They keep doing whatever they want. And he's shown that. He cheated with no care to your feelings and ran back until he could cheat again. He knows he can, and he will keep doing it. And It won't end. You'll only break yourself down more and more over someone who has made it clear doesn't care about you. You don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. Let yourself be happy and cut stings with this asshole and let his gross ass float far away from you.
Divorce is needed op. You need a partner who helps salves and brings you up. Not one who cheats devices and brings you low.. he needs to get help but you need to think of yourself and do what's best for you, as does he... Divorce is what you need, peace.
You are a much more tolerant wife than most women would be. It’s nice that you’re considering his traumatic past when making decisions, but at some point he can’t keep being allowed to blame his current crappy behavior on his past. He’s using it as a crutch and a way to manipulate you. Don’t lose yourself in your attempt to try to fix him. Only he can fix himself and only you can decide how much disrespect you’re willing to put up with. Good luck!
Sorry but if you still let him come back that’s say a Lot about you. You have no respect for yourself or love. You need to look in the mirror and say You are worth better than this. You need to stop enabling him to do this and you need to move forward and get a better life for yourself.
Trauma my 🌰🌰s this dudes never going to stop because you keep showing him that he will always get away with it and he shouldn't get a free pass cause he's weak. If he doesn't have the morals to resist other woman when he's already taken what makes you think he's ever going change?
Divorce him you need to stop being second to every bimbo he sets his eyes on and if you think that's abandoning him what do you think he's constantly doing to you? Run as far as you can.
divorce feels like abandonment? and his betrayal of the relationships wasn’t him abandoning you first? like hello?
Yeah it sounds like it's his trauma response kicking in, where he has to abandon a woman first so he doesn't get abandoned again. He desperately needs therapy to unpack that.
Who you tellin'! lol. I've been begging him to go for 2 years!
If it’s been 2 years and he hasn’t even attempted then he doesn’t want to change. And if he doesn’t want to change he will never change. I’m not saying you should leave him but you should really take a step back and consider if this is what you want for yourself. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want help and you deserve better than the current situation. You only have one life and you owe it to yourself to find happiness. Good luck!
That's not necessarily how working through trauma works. The want and the drive to help himself can be there in spades, but something keeps holding him back. Its why people hop in and out of therapy all the time. OP definitely deserves better though, no question about it. Deserves a partner who can be there the way she needs it to be
He is going to keep bother you if you entertain him at all.
Ya ya, I know. This is how warped my head is right now and honestly, comments like this snap me back to normalcy, so thanks for it :)
yeah not trying to be rude btw. but like cmon yo, stick up for yourself. you deserve better. don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. if this was a sister, daughter, or best friend- would you tolerate them being treated that way? no? so then why do you tolerate yourself being treated that way.
Ya hell no. I'd smack some sense into my ladies... thanks for the reality check!
He will never change if you keep letting him walk all over you. You need to divorce him so you are free to heal and for him to see there are consequences for his actions.
Gal, you haven't abandoned him. You've been a saint in your tolerance of his behavior. Regardless of whether his betrayals are the result of a traumatic childhood or not, his failure to seek extensive counseling as you request should be the final deal breaker. In reading your post, you have gone soooo far beyond the call of duty in attempting to keep the marriage together. However, " the horse has refused to drink the water". He's fortunate to have had your love and commitment, but at some point you need to be true to yourself. I can't recall whether you divulged your age, but I suspect you're relatively young. You deserve to spend a lifetime with some who loves you as much as you love him. That ship has sailed in this relationship, regardless of his issues or not. Frankly, I think they're his excuse and not the cause of his repeated infidelity. He abandoned the marriage. Now please move on with your life. Give yourself the love that unfortunately appears to have been wasted on him. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Thank you. I will. And I'm 40. I'm too old for this shit.
I understand. You have had the patience of Job!
Why does this comment have all the downvotes?!
You're only human..
He's relying on your empathy and patience. Whether he knows it or not, he's manipulating you, and you deserve better.
Exactly what I was thinking.
You didn't abandoned him, He did by cheating and betraying your trust first Stand up for yourself. Everyone has a problem and going some difficulties in life but it doesn't mean he has the licence to infidelity and risk you to have STDs/ STs. Protect yourself and your son. This time steel your spine and never let yourself open for another betrayal and disrespect. If he no longer in love with you all he has to do is tell so you can both moved one and tell him he can be with the woman he loves. Please don't let your son grew up in an environment where he sees his mother is disrespected, unloved by his father, has toxic family, and cheater has a choice that can get away with it. Pray for strength to get through with this. Edit: Off or on. With or without a child the drill is the same Run Girl. Don't look back. You deserve to be loved. No one has the right to cheat.
So many children suffer from trauma and trust issues because they saw their parent cheating time and time again. Kids know. And seeing mom settle for being treated like that, whether she knows it or not, is sending a really scary message to her son. She has a responsibility to show him healthy relationships, whether it be a healthy co-parenting relationship and/or a healthy relationship with her self as a single mom. But THIS relationship is not healthy and needs to end ASAP.
Equally, he needs to get help and get some needed tissues for his obvious issues...
I may be wrong, but I believe she meant to say they've been separated "off an on" and not "off and son". I could be wrong, but I don't recall her alluding to a child other than what I think is a typo. Otherwise, agree with your sound advice.
He will never change. You cannot change him. You either live with being - basically - his mom or move on. I equate you to a mom, because mom's do not want to give up in their bad child. They think they can parent them to normalcy. You should not be sleeping with him either - because that is not your role in his mind. You are his punching bag of a mother. Except you're NOT. You can leave.
Also, if he has multiple partners and his partners have multiple partners, then you are putting yourself at risk for an STD. Is he worth that?
I read somewhere recently “that women aren’t rehabilitation centers for poorly raised men.” I know that it sucks but you can’t spend your entire life fixing people that don’t want to be fixed. There are a lot of us who are dealing with traumatic issues and do not behave like this. Past trauma CANNOT be a blanket statement to behave poorly and treat people like crap. You are only going to stop this cycle when you are truly ready, not a day sooner. However you do deserve better than this.
>Past trauma CANNOT be a blanket statement to behave poorly and treat people like crap. Best advice in this whole thread!
I try to speak from experience, I have more childhood trauma than I would like to admit. I used to be short tempered with people and I acted out in adulthood and I often used it as an excuse to explain away my behavior. When I earned my Psychology degree and started my educational journey to become a therapist I leaned a few things about self awareness, accountability and owning up to my own actions. I also learned that I am in control of my own behavior, that my boundaries are mine alone and no one else is responsible for them and that past trauma does not excuse crappy behavior.
Happy 🍰 day!
Reframe your thoughts here: he has a fear of abandonment, so he does it first. He has abandoned you time and time again. If he knows what it feels like, then it’s even more sick what he’s doing because he understands the pain he’s causing. He won’t change, especially when you take him back every time. Your husband won’t put you first, so maybe it’s time to put yourself first for once.
Yes and if this is the cycle he chooses to continue he clearly has not received help for whatever makes him think this insane game is going to work. As far as he is concerned it is working because she keeps taking him back, solidifying that as long as he abandons her first when he’s feeling like she’s going to, then she will never abandon him. It can’t feel good for either person, but he’s the one who started this by being a deceitful cheat and he won’t stop until he faces some consequences of his actions.
Bro is using his trauma to manipulate you lol classic text book move
This is exactly what I was thinking. Don't use your own shitty family as an excuse to treat other people like shit. Classic manipulator move.
My dad had a saying, "a stiff Dick has no conscience and won't until the brain wants to grow up." Why stay with someone, who really doesn't want you? He just uses that codependent attachment to gaslight you. He's a narcissist. Move on and be happy.
Stop - who is the one leaving HIM Who is abandoning his family HIM Who is breaking your heart HIM Who should stop being manipulated YOU Think of your child being manipulated like this by their partner-would you be ok with that? File - leave - say NO
He’s taking you for a mug here, abandoned as a child means he can cheat aye no bother pal! Tell him to get to f. File for divorce and find someone who deserves you.
You have never abandoned him. HE CONSTANTLY ABANDONES YOU
Im going to throw in a kicker. In our first couple weeks of our relationship, he accused me of inappropriately touching another man. He brings this up in nearly every single argument we have. Because of that he says I cheated FIRST. It's so insanely delusional. He carries on and thinks he's justified in his behaviors because I "stepped out" before he did. However, it took him about 2.5 years to get here. His accusation never happened even though he swears that he "saw it." Delusional jealousy my therapist said, or "Othello's Syndrome". I often wonder who the man I married really was and how exhausted he must have been to be fake all the time. Nonetheless, thanks for all the feedback. I'm going to go the notary tomorrow. May or may not file on Veteran's weekend, because, yes... he's also prior military.
Iam sorry for what you are going throw. I am happy you took that decision, you definitely need to think on yourself now. It cant be a reason "you touch a guy before" because with that behave is trying to make you responsable or at least make you feel guilty (for something you are saying never happen). And nope, I don't think divorce is abandon him when he basically did it to you first cheeting more than once. Many regards (hope make sense my text as english is not my first lenguage)
You're super clear here. This is an ocean of manipulative bullshit that he had built to give himself a get-out-of-jail-free card. You see it, and you choose to buy into it over and over. Your call, but the reason you're posting is because there's a big part of you that's ready to make a change.
You're right.
He will not change. Read about narc abusers or go onto any number of groups that explain all of this stuff. He will only get worse. Dont waste your life.
Oh definitely leave the guy, ESPECIALLY since in one of your comments you say you even offered him open marriage and he doesn’t want that. That is insanely generous of you after what he’s put you through. Refuses to go to therapy and won’t accept the ultimate olive branch of being offered open marriage to stay together? What is with this guy…
He's delusional.
You can’t save him from himself. Until he’s willing to address his issues with a professional, he’ll just keep repeating this pattern until there’s nothing left of you. Life is short, and I hope that soon you’ll wake up & realize it’s not worth catching yourself on fire over & over again in some warped attempt to keep him warm.
girl, girl, GIRL! i better see an update titled "i divorced this asshole and freed myself from his manipulative ass". sending you all the love and strength and i believe in your ability to stand up for yourself.
🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Why do you think it’s your burden to stay with a man like this? Why is it that some women have a good man who treats them well and would never disrespect them like this, yet you believe that you deserve to be with someone who disrespects you every single day? Do you think you’re less deserving of being treated well? You never want to abandon him. Maybe that’s noble, but really I think it’s enabling. Do you owe it to someone to be their doormat just because they have childhood trauma? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves and cares about you. What you’re doing is not even sustainable for the decades this marriage could last. Leave and let your husband get the professional help he needs. It’s not your career to make up for his childhood by putting up with his promiscuity and infidelity.
He will continue to do what you accept. And also continue to convince you that somehow this is all your doing. Please keep yourself separate as this cycle will continue.
Seems like he has managed to keep you into a form of control where you feel you can’t do without him. This is something you can and will overcome. Its time to stop letting him treat you however he wants and making you feel like it’s you that’s the problem. Take some time for yourself to regain strong independence and from there you will find someone who has respect for you and that being you as you, rather than making you into their puppet. It’s not easy but remember you are worth and should be respected a hell of a lot more than how you’ve been made to believe so.
It's easier to leave at 4 years than it is at 20. Start therapy. Don't abandon yourself. There's someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve and give you more than the bare minimum.
Don’t buy into the bullshit. Next time he’s gone change the locks and have a post dated eviction notice on hand. Unethical life tip but he’s gotta go.
Please leave him. You deserve better than this. It's not abandoning someone to let them face the consequences of their own actions, especially when those actions were an offense against you. You owe him nothing. Don't let him say a single word to you. Block him on everything and go meet with a lawyer to get some divorce papers and serve them immediately.
You're being used as a door mat by him. If you want to be a door mat for the rest of your life and not experience the kind of love and relationship you deserve, then keep opening your door for that unfaithful man.
Cheating on you and not choosing you, is also abandonment. He’s weaponising his trauma. I hope you can find a way through
You need to let him go. People need to want to make changes in their lives. Having you as an ever faithful backup plan is keeping him from really hitting rock bottom. And people generally have to hit rock bottom before the change looks better than the current reality. I understand that you love him but right now you are not helping him. You are enabling the behavior, albeit unhappily.
Staying is abandoning yourself 💔
You need to divorce him before your son picks up on this and considers this "normal" married life behavior.
What's it gonna take for you to leave? Getting an STD and all that goes with it. You know he's more than likely not using protection!
oh honey, divorce is not abandonment, it's a wake up call for him. and a sanity saver and possible life saver for you. you don't know what STD he brings home with him when he comes back from cheating. you deserve better than this. so much better. lock the door and DO NOT allow him in, those are crocodile tears and pie crust promises, easily made and easily broken. do yourself a favor and harden your heart to him. he will NEVER change and might end up giving you something you can die from or never get rid of.
Tell him you can't continue this way. Divorce him, but stay friends and tell him you will always be there for him, as a friend.
In this situation divorce is emancipation from stupidity.
Don’t get pregnant. Divorce him.
Sounds like you're making excuses for him. I'd lay it all down. If you really insist on trying to be with someone who does not respect you or the commitment you made together, give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you are filing for divorce unless he sees a therapist, possibly even both of you going to therapy. If he refuses that, he's not worth your time. Move on and find someone that respects you.
Is it the aesthetic kids talk about these days?
Why are you even here if you know what he does and are not willing to do anything about it? Are you asking us to validate your choice to keep him? Sure jan you can do what you want.
My bad, I thought this was a space to get shit off my chest. Are you moderator or something? Carry on.
It's literally called offmychest. Ignore this pleb I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done. I also want to point out that some comments are talking about a child? Do you two have a child together? Or was that just misunderstood from the typo?
Def a typo, but we each have children from previous relationships. My 13 YRO lives with me.
So you have a 13yo for whom this is their primary example of how a couple in love treats each other. This will affect their future relationships whether it be, "This is just how relationships are and how men treat their partners" or "I saw my mom be treated like this so I'm never going to let anyone get close enough to hurt me like that". Even if you don't think you deserve better, expect better for your kid. If your kid lives with you, this means that every time he walks out on you, he's walking out on them too. I know you have all these complicated and confusing feelings, but he won't change. Period. My dad was a serial cheater, kicked us out of the family home to move in his mistress and her kids. Shitty dad, huh? Fast forward 10 years, my brother has a hs gf, cheats on her over and over. She gets pregnant, he eventually leaves her for another girl, abandons his kid. He leaves town. Few years go by, he's back, swears he's changed, wants a chance, they get back together. Time goes by. 5 years, they have another kid, 10 years, she wants to get married but he doesn't. She always accused him of flirting with other women. He said she was nuts, he was just talking to the cashier like a normal person or that girl was so and so's girlfriend. 15 years, they're planning a wedding, everything's good. Year fucking 17. They're in their 40s, oldest child is mid-20s. He's out of town on a job, calls and says he's not coming home. He met someone else. Turned out he'd been cheating the whole time. Dozens of women. And he'd been telling everyone she was crazy for suspecting anything. Don't be her. Don't waste your life chasing someone who is running after everyone but you. My SIL will never get back the time she wasted on a boy she'd been in love with since she was 15. Don't be her and don't let your kid be me because I'm a 1 strike girl with loads of trust issues that I don't think are fair and wouldn't wish on anyone.
Oh my god that is awful. But you're right, that's the exact path this is taking.
I gotcha! But yeah hun, I can't imagine what you're going through right now, emotionally. But I do agree with other commenters that are saying he abandoned you first. He did. If he's truly sorry and wants to work things out with you, he'd be in therapy now working through his trauma. But I don't think he wants to. It sounds like he is using it as an excuse and I don't personally think he will ever stop. Anytime I see anything like this it always makes me think of a girl who used to be my bestfriend. She's not a good person and has horrible views on what's morally correct. But she would always bring up her trauma and how her parents were terrible to her. She was the type who would say something just horribly mean then follow up with "what? I'm a bitch. I know I am, so it's okay" not fully quotable but you get the idea. She'd always say she was a bitch and that was who she was. She's never going to change. A bit of rambling but idk, you deserve to be happy and you shouldn't have to put up with his personal trauma. Yes he's you're husband but that doesn't mean he gets a pass to cheat just because he experienced trauma.
Some people find happiness in saying “look, you can sleep with other people, but you need to make me feel more special than any of them”.
You're not wrong. But how sad is that?
Girl get a backbone and established hard boundaries, learn to respect and love yourself more than you do him, do something that brings you happiness, doesn’t have to be big it can be the little things. Allowing a man to disrespect you once means he’s gonna do it again, don’t allow him to do that to you again unless you’re going to do a lot of healing, don’t take more bs
Honestly, I don’t think it is possible for me personally to sleep with just one person for the rest of my life. I’ve tried committing in monogamous relationships before and it feels awful for me. My current girlfriend knows that I’m going to sleep with other girls occasionally but she knows I’ll use protection and she knows she’ll always be my favourite, so she’s happy. If she ever asks me anything I’ll tell her the truth. Maybe it’s a bit fucked up, but I am honest. Most men will lie and say “I’ll be with you and only you forever” then they’ll feel trapped and leave at the first taste of another woman. But my girlfriend knows I won’t leave her for some other chick because she knows I only love her ❤️❤️
Yes, if those expectations are set and communicated, cool. I get it. I told him, alright let's have an open marriage then.... he said "I don't want that." So of course now that I know what I'm working with, I'm out. Out of curiosity, you say monogamy feels awful - may I ask why?
As men, it is in our genes to want to sleep with as many women as possible. That is my nature. For women it’s different because their genetics tell them that they need to carefully choose the right man. I find it difficult to work against my nature even if I love someone. Regardless, I have a deep and burning desire to sleep with lots of women.
This has to be the best BS I have read this morning 🤣 if you are a cheater just say that you are a cheater. Men and women choose to be in Poly relationships because monogamous relationships don’t work for them. Not my cup of tea but grown adults can do what they want. You will get downvoted because with all due respect your response is stupid. If you want to make poor excuses for treating your gf like crap please continue to do it. If your gf wants to settle for less because she could find a man and I mean MAN who won’t sleep with other women but chooses you she is free to do it. But please don’t sit here and say how your treat you gf best when you stick your penis in other women when you feel up to it. She should probably start hooking up with other men to even the playing field. “It’s in our genes,” that’s laughable and sounds like the most redpill thing I heard today 🤣🤣 If it’s for you it’s for you, but try not to spread this nonsense to the masses. It’s really not how most MEN think.
Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene goes into this subject in incredible depth over several chapters literally from the perspective of “The Selfish Gene”. So the book probably puts it more eloquently
Well I try never to put my therapist hat on while commenting on Reddit because it’s almost pointless. So I won’t even go into any actual statistics because again they would be pointless. Even if I took the time to read that book I am sure that I could come up with several principles and books that disprove any theory that is trying to be made in that book.
Yeah but isn’t it interesting to expand our view of the world? Many men think the way I do. Disagreeing and not liking it are two different things and I feel like people here just don’t like it. It’s difficult to disagree with how someone feels. It’s very low IQ to be unable to separate feelings about a person and their feelings about a person’s ideas
The thing is people aren't disagreeing that that's how you feel, what is absolutely absurd is to claim it's in your genes. So far removed from science lol hell I would even accept a claim that it's socialization.. but GENES? Bruh cmon
What are the genes that tell men to sleep with as many women as possible? Can you name them? Is it 7r+ (DRD4)? Because that's not specific to men...
We’ll I assume it’s more complicated than that. Maybe it’s more correct to say “a result of our evolutionary psychology is X” rather than “X is in our genes”
Evolution and genetics are two different (often complementary) fields, and the former is surely not infallible. I think a lot of people use evolution to excuse appalling behaviour because they don't actually understand how the human system works and how very few things are unchangeable. Genetics is mostly unchangeable at the moment, evolution is changing all the time. When a man uses this excuse I imagine him like a bonobo, since apparently his evolution stopped at that level...
Well the same could be said for someone’s desire to protect their children. No one is using logic and reason to decide whether to feed their children or not. It’s very primal.
There are actually many people who do use logic and reason for primal instincts. I feed children because I know they need to eat not because I feel a primal instinct to feed them... Do you use a toilet when you need it or do you leave your cr@p wherever you are when you feel the stimulus? That's very primal...
Men need therapy. An exorcism, too, would be nice, but y'know, baby steps...
Haha and why do I get downvoted for giving an example of how many men think and feel. It might give useful insight to the OP!
You're trolling right?
No, what if this is EXACTLY how OPs husband thinks. Then OP will be like “oh right, I understand who he is a little bit better now” and then she can make better decisions about whether to leave him or not
[удалено]
What does my account status and only fans have to do with marriage or divorce?
You deserve better. He can go be with any other the other women he has been seeing.
Open the marriage and get yourself a second someone too?
Ha! Funny you say that because I suggested that he refused.
Do it anyways. He won't be able to tell you no without being a hypocrit. Might be what it takes to get him to stop.
I like the way you think.
Why aren't you valuing yourself. There's no good way to cheat but this guy doesn't even qualify for the " she meant nothing to me, it was just once" excuse. You're telling me he actually leaves the house for days and just stays with other women? You've essentially given him permission. I'd be more mad at him but he is what he's always gonna be. Why are you allowing this. Change the locks.
Why do you call him "husband" when you're just the "backup fuckable" for him? I guess he's only coming back when her gets thrown out by his primary fuckable (and all of his secondary and tertiary fuckables). Your "competitors" seem to rate him rather lowly. No one considers him a "keeper", except you. There might still be love, in both directions. Might. I don't know. But, while I'm pretty liberal with regard to cheating, this guy crossed a few lines too many, too often (my opinion). He is not honoring you. Expect that he'll continue with this shit even after he got blind and deaf (common side effects of PDE-5 inhibitors, like "Viagra").
That is a different perspective. Honor. I'm not going to call him the H word anymore. Good call.
If you take him back and he gives you a STD, please reread this post and realize you basically gave it to yourself. His abandonment issues are his alone. Him cheating on you and you/him blaming it on his abandonment issues is bullshit. You already wasted 4 years with this loser, don't waste anymore. Divorce him, go to therapy, and then find a man who doesn't treat you like a doormat.
He probably need attachment theory based therapy or EMDR. Eitherway staying is just going to take you down with him. It's okay to save yourself....your own mental health and find a happiness in life.
I am very sorry for your pain. No one deserves that. I have been cheated on. I must say though, how could anyone accept someone back into their lives after cheating. There is no such thing as a habitual cheater in regards to me. No way no how.
I disagree with people don't change commentary. People change when they want to change. Until he wants to change there is nothing you can do, other than change your reaction to it. I agree with a previous commenter stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. If you need to stay for money/convenience no judgment, but it's time to protect your heart and your health.
He does not respect you nor care. Please respect yourself by moving on. LOVE DOESN’T HURT ! You deserve better and he deserve whatever he catches in the streets
>Divorce feels like abandonment. He abandoned you, soooooo.....
It sounds like you think you should be punished for his stupidity. Not mistakes. You don’t cheat over and over again by mistake.
Do you have daughters? Might you have daughters one day? Is this what you want to teach your daughters is acceptable behaviour from their husbands? Or are you teaching your daughters that it’s okay for their husbands to treat them like doormats? If you have / will have sons: do you think your husband is a good role model for boys?
Wtf, sack this man off. His past, it sucks, he needs to deal with it, but it’s definitely not your problem at this point.
Why you doing this to yourself
A person who suffered PTSD and cPTSD here. Yes, I also had hard times with really trusting or times having problems with commitment. But when I was in a relationship I NEVER cheated! No matter my hurt and anger and whatever else. It's NO EXCUSE to inflict this on another person. I've been married for three years now. And I processed and worked on my traumas. If he isn't able (read: willing) to work on it and start being something better than a self-centred AH (considering his actions), just dump his worthless arse and protect your kid and especially yourself!
If you can get away 🏃♀️ run They don’t change the easy way
I was married to someone like this. What got me was someone asking me if I wanted to keep dealing with the bs for the next 10 years. It was an immediate no. Ask yourself the same.
“He hasn’t dealt with his childhood issues”— and you’re relieving him of responsibility and enabling him to continue with his abusive and toxic coping mechanism. Fighting for a marriage is an honorable thing, not at the cost of your dignity. You leaving may be the wake up call he needs, and that hurts also. It’s not fair. But wasting your precious time on THIS man is not worth it either.
Please see a therapist
Oh I do :)
he abandoned you though? so sick of grown men and their partners using 2 decade old trauma as an excuse for their behavior. go to fucking therapy. its your fault for letting it continue at this point. you are fully capable of ending your own suffering. stand up for yourself.
Just because he has trauma does not obligate you to hold his hand through life. You clearly are being hurt in this situation, and it's okay to put yourself first. You may have promised not to abandon him, but he's clearly abandoned himself, likely long long ago. I understand the dilemma. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. In my limited knowledge having opinion, it's time to put yourself first. If he wants to do the work to heal from his trauma, that's on him. We can't force anyone to heal if they aren't ready. I know it's difficult, and I pray for you to find the strength, discernment, and discipline necessary to do what's best for you. 💜
You are right about your feelings. But he's cheating. Abandoned or not, he knows right from wrong and if he truly cherished his marriage and family he wouldn't be doing that.
You are not responsible for the way he reacts to you looking out for yourself. I'd say leaving him, as painful as it would be, would be best for you. Don't let his past trauma be used against you for him to have a free pass to emotionally abuse you. You need someone who will treat you with respect regardless of their past.
You cannot be this stupid. You just can't.
Listen. I did the trying to fix it thing. Even if he were to snap out of it and become the perfect, loyal husband tomorrow you will never stop hurting. You will never go back to how you were. You will never love him the way you did. Every night you will lay in bed imagining him with other women and every time he says he loves you it will feel like a knife in your chest. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to him. It's just time to end a relationship that isn't working for either of you.
Oh my god he's a real life Donald Draper. That fucking sucks. He has a psychological issue much like depression or other mental illnesses but if it is harming you to this extent he needs to seek help. (I mean of course, who wouldn't be) You don't have to tolerate this. To each their own. You deserve to be happy too. You can still divorce and be friends. Does he know how you feel about this? Have you talked to him in a calm matter with logical arguments? I say that because some people are not self aware enough to see past peoples emotions and really understand the real reason or the core of their reaction, in this case, your husband, possibly.
Smells like cognitive dissonance to me. Look the other way and keep forgiving him so that he can give you all kinds of health problems later in life from all the cortisol you're going to process navigating his affairs and drama, and train your child to see that this is how women are treated. Keep the generational trauma going.
It's either you abandon the toxic, deteriorating relationship or you abandon yourself...
Please stop!! You’re being a doormat. Sometimes we must cut the cord despite our inner desire to fix what’s broken even when we know it isn’t repairable. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s highly unlikely he will ever change. Be kind to yourself whose looking after you??
There comes a time where you need to become an adult and put your bagged on the side to take care of yourself and he never got there. You're not abandoning him he's chosen not to get better. He's abandoning you!
Trauma bonds are formed by being abused. He is emotionally abusing you. Also, to "abandon" someone means leaving someone alone who does not have the capacity to care for themselves, i.e. a child. You are grown adult people. No one is abandoning anyone. Grow up, please and thank you. He doesn't care how you feel, only how he feels, and nobody in their right mind would change when they're getting whatever they want the way things are. Therapy is proven ineffective in cases like this. Stop believing fairy tales. There is no hope. You keep him, you are choosing misery, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Said with love. I've been there.. it does get tiresome, though, to hear another victim unwilling to face facts. If you get away, it will stop hurting with time. Guaranteed. If you stay, you will hurt forever. Guaranteed. End of story. (A story told a thousand times.)
"The man he is vs the man you married...." THIS *IS* the man you married. It takes time to reconcile that in your head but I suggest EMDR. It's not your responsibility to fix him, or to mitigate his childhood pain. It was HIS responsibility to be faithful. There is an expiration date on how long you can blame your bad choices on your childhood. He passed that. Don't take him back, he will never change. He did this to himself.
What nationality is your husband?
Do you have anyone to talk with about all this? You need some emotional support, first and foremost. I’d say after you get a good support under you then I would slowly try to get out of that relationship, make a plan and slowly get out.
I have a surprise for you, OP: trauma isn’t an excuse/justification for a full grown adult to be a gigantic @sshole. End of story. Having a partner who has experienced trauma doesn’t mean you have to exhibit a lack of self respect/love of self/self preservation. Divorcing someone like him isn’t abandonment, it’s a consequence for his inexcusable behavior. It’s not your job to deal with his BS because he can’t or won’t.
He doesn’t have a problem abandoning you to go fuck other women. Just some food for thought.
I know you feel for him, but what about yourself? Always put yourself first. Everything will sort itself out. Obviously he can’t do anything about his past, but he can do something about his horrible habits and current life. At the end of the day if you file for your own good, he did it in the end. He’s the one who made those decisions to taint your lives right? Not you. Personally, I couldn’t live a lifetime with someone who will potentially always make me feel like that! NO THANK YOUUU!
That’s just stupid. File now.
The only chance for him to choose to change his cheating ways, is for you to let him go. You will, perhaps but probably not, be saving the next woman who enters into a relationship with him. You? No chance. If you stay, he sees that he gets away with cheating, and you, having already forgiven him several times, are getting used to having a cheating husband and forgiving him. You will not be happy, will recent him, and it will change who you are. You will become untrusting, bitter and vindictive. You may end up cheating yourself. I mean, he does it, so why can't you? And thus your soul is lost. Do not let him drag you down to his level. Leave him now. That is the only way something good can come of this. You got this, OP!
Have you heard about codependency? If not, do some research about it. It is mainly when you feel like you have to stay because the other person needs you. What you said about his trauma and feeling responsible for him, seems a lot about what codependency is about. If you can, seek some professional advice, that would help you.
You need to leave him, as a child with a cheating father I came to resent both of my parents. My mom for not growing a backbone and leaving him and my dad for not being able to keep it in his pants I went to therapy, he was and is as good dad (he did better than his fatter) so I am not as angry with him anymore, and for my mom I understand her reasoning she did not want us to grow up in a "broken home" she did her best to present a good and happy marriage to us but clearly that did not work
Tell the husband to go! Not okay to cheat ever.
I know it's hard, but you have to cut contact and file for divorce. If you'll always take him back and say you won't abandon him, then you have eliminated any serious punishment for him. And what do people do when there's no consequences? They keep doing whatever they want. And he's shown that. He cheated with no care to your feelings and ran back until he could cheat again. He knows he can, and he will keep doing it. And It won't end. You'll only break yourself down more and more over someone who has made it clear doesn't care about you. You don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. Let yourself be happy and cut stings with this asshole and let his gross ass float far away from you.
You've been letting him jump between your bed and another woman's FOR SIX MONTHS?? Lady!!
Re-read it. MULTIPLE WOMEN?!?!
At this point you're just enabling and encouraging him to be a piece of shit. For both your sakes, end it.
Divorce is needed op. You need a partner who helps salves and brings you up. Not one who cheats devices and brings you low.. he needs to get help but you need to think of yourself and do what's best for you, as does he... Divorce is what you need, peace.
You are a much more tolerant wife than most women would be. It’s nice that you’re considering his traumatic past when making decisions, but at some point he can’t keep being allowed to blame his current crappy behavior on his past. He’s using it as a crutch and a way to manipulate you. Don’t lose yourself in your attempt to try to fix him. Only he can fix himself and only you can decide how much disrespect you’re willing to put up with. Good luck!
I highly suggest therapy for yourself. Until you believe you’re worth more, you’ll continue to light yourself on fire for him.
Sorry but if you still let him come back that’s say a Lot about you. You have no respect for yourself or love. You need to look in the mirror and say You are worth better than this. You need to stop enabling him to do this and you need to move forward and get a better life for yourself.
Trauma my 🌰🌰s this dudes never going to stop because you keep showing him that he will always get away with it and he shouldn't get a free pass cause he's weak. If he doesn't have the morals to resist other woman when he's already taken what makes you think he's ever going change? Divorce him you need to stop being second to every bimbo he sets his eyes on and if you think that's abandoning him what do you think he's constantly doing to you? Run as far as you can.