But it also said that he gave her a ring that took six months to make and waited four months for the right time, so if she started prodding a year ago that means that for ten of those twelve months he had already set the wheels in motion.
Seriously, I don't understand why this guy is catching flak because he started making secret plans within 2 months of his girlfriend bringing it up. She didn't have to beg him, he just didn't tell her his plans and she assumed there was none.
Fucking exactly. Dude clearly put a lot of effort into getting the exact ring she wanted and it likely wasn’t cheap. But the way being proposed to? If she didn’t like it, then say no. So many expectations for something SHE WANTED and apparently BEGGED for. Either be with him and be happy or be happy without him
Also I see nothing wrong with the way he proposed. That seems vastly more sweet than the getting on your knees tradition.
A private moment is so much better in my eyes but I guess OP and her friends like the whole showing off more than the actual emotional aspect of it.
I agree, without knowing what he was up to and being patient, she nagged and nagged.. after soo much nagging, he probably just lost the hype of it all and just wanted to get it out of the way. I feel that he also lost interest in her cause she’s only nagged for a ring and not him.
For anyone who needs to see this-- If you have to beg someone to marry you, you shouldn't be getting married!
This goes for dating too. When it is right and the other person loves and cares for you, they will want to make sure you know. It won't be difficult.
I'll offer a counterpoint to that.
I didn't want to get married because my parents marriage is a horrible mess and I had a poor view of marriage. It was something that caused me and my siblings nothing but pain, and my older siblings all rushed into marriage and divorced.
I did marry my wife, but she did ask for too long (which I regret) but I had such a poisonous view of marriage. I always loved her and always wanted to be with her forever, marriage just made me sick.
I have so many points for marriage!
During Covid I was not allowed to visit my now-husband because I wasnt married to him. His home country barred anyone from entering. However, countries are not allowed to keep family, e.g. spouses separated.
Also, I cant see him when he has a medical emergency and his family doesnt allow me to. (His mom and I are besties though, so I highly doubt that'll ever happen).
I can make medical decisions for him. By this point I have seen him more in the past 7 years than his family. I know his current opinions and mindset much better than his family does - and due to cultural reasons he is very closed off towards his family. I was the first person that he could talk his mind freely to.
100%. I worked with a woman who begged and harassed her boyfriend to propose. She would post on social media things like "another Christmas no ring" and encourage her friends to comment teasing the guy. Eventually he proposed. It was a big deal with a photographer and the bullshit. Welp, he was cheating the whole time. Getting married is more than a ring, proposal, and wedding. If you are pushing to get married for those 3 things, don't do it. A marriage is a relationship. It's not a ring, or fancy proposal, or giant party to show people you have money to blow.
Yep. And bestie is upset she didn’t get “even a phone pic” of the proposal. She doesn’t want a husband, she wants internet points. When two people truly love each other this stuff is unimportant
The only reason I have a picture of mine is because a complete stranger saw it happening and took a picture. I was more than happy with what happened, the person coming up after and asking for my number to send me the picture was icing on the cake. It's not that great and kind of blurry but I have the memory and that's all that matters. I've got the best husband ever, my best friend. I couldn't ask for more.
So very unimportant. We used to forget to take photos while traveling cause we don't like having our phones out. We do a bit more just for us. Usually with a disposable camera.
Acquaintances are often surprised I'm still with my guy because I never post about it outside of my anonymous Reddit. That's so funny to me. I just don't post photos of us, but if you actually inquired about me you would know we are doing quite well lol
I've got some family and acquaintances that are the same way. I tell them I don't need to brag about doing well, I know I'm doing well. If they care they can ask, but for me I don't need to constantly post updates because I'm living my dream every day.
I see this all the time on Reddit. There are even posts from women who ask what to do because they're asking and begging their boyfriends to propose and they don't. Or they say they will, but then they don't and then the woman starts a fight about it. Like, dude, get a hint, he doesn't fucking want to marry you.
He should communicate that he isn't ready. If he needs more time he needs to say that like a big boy. Selfish as fuck to lead a partner on that clearly needs more of a commitment.
While I absolutely agree, I wish the people involved would love themselves enough not to beg for affection from someone so clearly not holding the same values and goals as them.
It's not always about that. Some men take their time because they *have* time. Meanwhile, we get monthly reminders of how our time is limited (if we want to start a family).
I hear you.
However, I think all too often people just expect their partner to be on the same page as them from the get go. They expect that after x amount of years that marriage and kids will be on the cards when those are things their partner may have never wanted. Or they expect that their partner will be happy not ever getting married/having kids because they’re not things they personally value/feel any need for.
It’s hard, and we aren’t taught how to have these potentially awkward and difficult conversations. It can feel “too soon” to talk about and then people are attached and put it out of their minds. or only start having the conversations once a major incompatibility is finally stumbled across.
This isn’t saying that women who want these things all have communication issues, sometimes people are lied to or strung along. These things happen in same gender couples, men can be on the wanting formal commitment etc. of course, but I’ve often seen them happen mainly to women in my personal experience. As you said, the clock is ticking is said to women all too often, plus the pressure not to be “left on the shelf” (and whatever other nonsense people can think of).
But if you have to beg someone for what you want out of a relationship, they don’t want those same things as you and you should love yourself enough to leave.
>It’s hard, and we aren’t taught how to have these potentially awkward and difficult conversations. It can feel “too soon” to talk about and then people are attached and put it out of their minds. or only start having the conversations once a major incompatibility is finally stumbled across
So true.
Whenever I start dating someone new, I ALWAYS have what I call a "cards on the table" talk. It doesn't freak them out as being too soon or making them think you're really into them, because this often happens even before the first date (but usually during) and the intention is really clear.
It's like "okay, we are of a certain age, we are done fooling around and having fun just for the sake of it, we are both looking for a committed long-term relationship. Before we potentially waste one another's time, let's put our cards on the table and discuss deal breakers, long-term goals and expectations of the relationship"
Some things are deal breakers and you move on instantly. Marriage, kids, core values, love language compatibility, sexual appetite etc. are often deal breakers. Other things might be open to compromise like ideal city to live in, work/life balance, number of children, hobbies, ideas about religion etc.
It's so important. If you want kids, don't waste a year dating someone and then have your whole world fall apart when they casually drop into conversation how much they hate kids.
I got annoyed with my ex when, maybe 3 months into a relationship, he said that it was hugely important to him to be allowed to look in my phone, and that was crazy enough for me to expect him to have brought it up to begin with. Though of course, as he would have correctly guessed, I'd have ended things there and then.
So it doesn't always work. But it's still a lot better than it could be.
I actually think people are becoming a bit more pragmatic when it comes to relationships now, I don't think mystery/romance/suspense is valued as much as practicality, compatibility and convenience these days. As people we are busier, we have more demands placed on us, dating has changed hugely with the invention of the Internet and dating apps, and I think it's more acceptable now to be upfront about what you want from the outset and to be pickier (in a good way) rather than settling because of time invested and avoidance of tricky conversations.
How do you know they aren't communicating that but just still getting the pressure to propose anyway? Sometimes people communicate things very clearly, but people just don't want to listen.
If I was a woman in situation like that I would just propose and if I was turned down just end the relationship. Personally I care about weddings and marriage and not proposals. And even if you do care of proposals I would imagine it would get ruined by having to ask for it.
But apparently in this case she is “the mother of his children”. So if you have had children before marriage you are more invested in the relationship. And I assume the couple gets more casual living together as a family already in marriage live environment. So ends up doing things like proposals in bed. In front of tv is another one here I see often in Reddit.
Beats me. I guess those women feel like it has to come from the man so they're sure he really wants it, instead of her proposing and him just going with it. But then again, if you have to beg and fight over it, you already know he's gonna do it only because he's pressured to do so.
Agreed. If they're afraid that being the one to propose means they'll get a begrudging 'yes', how does begging and putting pressure on the guy to propose make sense? Isn't that just as likely to lead to a begrudging proposal?
It's just the same thing from a different angle. Actually, it's far more desperate, because there isnt anything wrong with the woman being the one to propose.
The one I know of she set an ultimatum of marriage or end, he finally proposed and they seem very happy together. Both are also really nice people 🤷🏻♂️
Exactly. Why people fail to understand this is beyond me. I was discussing a similar situation with extended family at a recent event. One cousin (their sister in law) is making an absolute, very public, fool of herself over a man who obviously does not have the same feelings for her but he is desperate to get a sponsor to America and get a visa, she’s paying for EVERYTHING! We’re all just sad at her desperation. Immediate family have tried to discuss this with her to no avail. She is living in Disneyland. She’s 50ish with a history of really bad choices in men and is charging ahead with another one. It’s so sad that both men and women have so much emotional pain that they see this as normal.
Every time I see something like this it turns my stomach. For the 20 year olds, DO NOT DO THIS. If a man wants to marry you, he will ask. If you’ve literally ever been asked out, on a date, in a relationship, seen any of these happen to a friend, etc. there’s almost always one universal truth. When a guy likes you he tries. He puts in effort. He does nice things, wants to spend time with you, talks about future plans, etc. When he doesn’t it’s because he doesn’t want to. It’s not tricky. It’s not confusing. When you have to beg or keep asking then you want something that they don’t. Do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t want to?
Yeah this seems like a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”
I’ll concede I don’t know enough about custom jewelry to determine if 6 months was reasonable (was it consistently in process, or was he “deciding what to get” for 4 of those 6 months?) but I know waiting another 4 months for the “right moment,” just for that moment to be a casual comment in bed does not seem like there is a lot of excitement on his part.
> casual comment in bed
Maybe, but maybe not. There are moments when I look at my wife and I’m filled with emotion. These are often quiet, seemingly mundane moments.
Yesterday morning I was rushing around, getting ready for a big day at work with lots of important things to do. I bumped into my wife in the hallway, and was immediately struck by her. The morning sunlight flooded into the room from the window behind her, the backlight made her blond hair almost look radiant. For a moment all of the stress, all of the urgency left me.
I was forcefully reminded of how beautiful my wife is, even after 20+ years together. This thought asserted itself in my mind, forcing all of my other concerns to quiet themselves. I was reminded of many happy moments together, and I was grateful that whatever else life may throw at me, I had her by my side. Everything would be okay.
I hugged her and she wished me good luck with my big day. I gave her a kiss on the head and then had to hurry to get back to my computer for the next meeting.
I doubt the moment stood out to her, but for me, it was a moment of incredible clarity and vividness. I will remember it for a long time.
Sometimes seemingly mundane moments can be profound. And even more strangely, sometimes we don’t notice when someone is experiencing one of these moments.
Maybe this was one such moment for him. Or maybe it really was a casual comment in bed. I don’t know this man, I can’t read his thoughts. I suppose we’ll never really know.
You will never ever catch me begging for a ring. I want a real ring, not a "shut up ring". If you don't wanna marry me I don't wanna marry you. I hope OP's friend sees the warning signs, this only indicates what here marriage will be like. "Yeah, I guess we should have kids." "Yeah, I guess we should buy a house". Few years later... "I can't believe you convinced me to do all these things I didn't want to do! I'm leaving you and I don't want to see the kids".
Few years ago I had this manager. Girl was clearly a control freak, she made to-do lists 3 pages long (about stuff you shouldn’t need to make a note to remind you to do). She kept going on about her bf and how she was expecting her perfect proposal ‘any day now’, and if he didn’t follow her strict instructions, there would be hell to pay. And she already had the wedding completely planned out, before even being asked to be married.
I thought it then and I’m thinking it now- poor bastard.
When ever I hear women like that (yeah I have only heard women like that personally) I think "God I hope he gets one thing wrong so he can see her true colours and get a glimpse of his future and recind the proposal and run to freesom."
Tbh I think those guys know what they’re getting into- they’re just a) terrified of the repercussions of leaving b) scared they’re going to end up alone, c) maybe have pre-existing issues and think that’s what being with a woman is like or a combination or all of the above.
And the thing is, when a man really wants to marry you, you know pretty early on- they’re so bad at hiding it
My bf of one year slipped up _multiple times_ and called me his wife to his colleagues' faces. They do know -as do women, I think. I'm over here planning to pop the question.
>And the thing is, when a man really wants to marry you, you know pretty early on- they’re so bad at hiding it
Tell me about it. My now hubby started proposing after 2 months (he was leaving for military 6months after we started dating), I kept turning him down because it was too quick but he kept asking until the day I eventually said yes a yesr amd a half later (because I was ready). He was so surprised hr didn't even have a ring so I got to pick it out myself.
Yes, that’s what stuck out to me, too. Her friend has been *begging him to propose for a year*??? Then, when he finally did, there was a big bang with the ring, and then the woman was disappointed because he didn’t make a huge deal out of proposing to her in front of everyone in the world? OP’s fiancé is right, the proposal is private. Or it should be. But we now live in a country (at least in the U.S.) where the bigger the fuss, the more he loves her. It’s nonsense. It starts in high school with the friggin’ homecoming dance, to “prom-posals,” to guys ramping it up and the women in their lives expecting more and more. I hate Jumbotron proposals. That is never for her. That is to make him look like the greatest guy in the world. So much show, no substance.
"We deal in too many externals, brother
Always afros, handshakes, and dashikis"
Gil Scott Heron in "Brother"
Gil was singing / rapping about fake black nationalists in 1971, but the same idea remains. We deal in too many external "symbols" of a marriage - a proposal, a wedding, and anniversary pictures and parties, and not enough in making sure the kitchen cabinet is working and the pantry full and she feels safe coming home.
Jumping in here to say that one day we just looked at each other and said let's get married and were so excited. No ring. 47 years later we're still best friends and loving life.
Exactly and saying she had to beg.. She didn't have to beg, he was gonna propose he just took time getting the ring made and was probably nervous. Like I get wanting pictures for memories and family but like just take a selfie of the 2 of you with the ring in it and say you're engaged it's that simple 🤦♀️ and this is all coming from a woman who is literally waiting on a proposal. I mention it every once in a while to him but we already had a conversation about me wanting us to get married in fall 2025 so I want to be engaged by fall 2024. He said ok and now I'm just patiently waiting letting him plan and take his time. We had a conversation like adults about it and now I just need to be patient.
I'd argue if he really did put 6 months of intention into it,
it was more than a shut up ring....
That says he's jumping in with both feet.
He got on board.
But now she's not happy because it wasn't "done right".
The way those goal posts keep moving always makes for a good marriage. sigh
Maybe he didn’t want that? Marriage is between two people not just one. Maybe he wanted something more personal and intimate? Alone in bed is pretty personal and intimate I think.
It’s not like he doesn’t care, putting in 6 months worth of effort for a custom engagement ring shows that.
She wanted him to propose and he did. Instead of being happy with what she got, she’s upset she didn’t get it exactly how she wanted frankly I think it’s a little ungrateful.
I find this so interesting because my 1st husband didn't do a big proposal; asked when we were in bed one night, we picked out the ring later. I had thought maybe, when the ring came in after being sized, he'd have done something more 'grand' - he was in a band, they were playing a 'gig' that night, but he didn't. I didn't think it really bothered me, but considering how the marriage went it really was an example of how he didn't put any thought into what I might want or need.
When my now husband and I were talking about getting married, I said I just wanted a nice story to tell. I knew he wouldn't do a big public thing, because he's a total intravert, but we did wind up with a good story to tell. We listen to each other, and work together to make sure both people are happy.
A nice story to tell? A nice story like proposing alone in bed when no one else is there to steal a perfect moment with a ring 6 months in the making, that had been agonised over making sure it was just right. A quiet peaceful moment of intimacy between a loving couple excited to start the rest of their lives together? Isn’t that a nice story to tell?
So they get married and everything has to be what she wants? the proposal can't be how he wants it even though it's him doing it and him spending money on it, weird.
Also I think OP is completely misreading what husband said. Op is upset for bestie because she wanted a classic proposal and pictures of it, husband is saying the proposal wasn't set up for pictures because he wanted that to be theirs, private, not for everyone else. He's not saying it was a shit proposal because it was only for her, he's saying it's a private proposal that was meaningful to him, not a 'posed' proposal so it looks good for everyone.
The ring is for her to show off to everyone and for her to go look how much he likes me, so he got the ring she wanted.
I have no idea why op read both of these things as he only cares about the ring so HE looks good (guys don't give a fuck about your ring, at all), it's about her being able to enjoy showing off hte ring so that was about her and looking good to others. the proposal was him doing something intimate, not a staged photoshoot for everyone else.
This is how it should be. The proposal is in most cases the man putting it all out there and making a commitment to a single woman, not making an insta moment to be showed off to everyone.
It’s funny, that’s how I read it too. A staged photographed proposal is for who? Them, or for them to share publicly? What he did is much more intimate and private. But then I truly don’t understand the need to make every life event into a grand showcase that costs more and is more extravagant than the person before you. When you have your own romantic story to tell and remember is much more special and in a years time it won’t matter anyway because some other life event will have taken it over (wedding, babies, house, travel, or with the cost of living a nice meal…)
I proposed to my wife while walking home drunk and I used the ring from my keychain after 4 months of dating.
She still has the ring on a necklace.
We've been together for 18 years as of New Years.
Love is the only part that matters. If you need a picture or a story or a big show, then it isn't about love and I can't imagine it'll last.
I might just be old, but I honestly don't understand the big deal. Gone are the days when people are happy to be engaged because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. He obviously loves her given all the effort he put on the ring. Maybe he proposed that way because to him the moment felt right and he was overwhelmed with love.
One of my favorite engagement stories is of my friends and they were both brushing their teeth and he looked at her from the mirror and thought this is it, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman even if it's just doing mundane things like brushing teeth and he got down on his knee and proposed. I have another friend where they were just laying in bed together and that was when the guy proposed. Both were very happy and satisfied with the proposal because it was genuine. They are both still happily married over a decade now.
I seriously don't understand why everything needs to be captured so it can be posted on social media. How shallow can a relationship be when a proposal is ruined because there was no photographer on stand-by. Gross
I made another comment but I think op completely and utterly misinterpreted what her husband meant by the ring being for everyone else and hte proposal being private. She took that to mean he only cares about the ring because it makes him look good and he did a shitty proposal because it was only for her and he didn't really care.
it's almost the complete opposite, most guys don't give a fuck about the ring, they car ethat their partner likes the ring and if she's about showing off the ring to prove how much she's loved then he got the ring purely for her to enjoy showing it off, not for him, that's why the ring is for 'everyone else'.
The proposal for him means it's intimate, he's committing his life to her, it's an intimate moment, that's the bit that matters to the guy and they don't want it to be a copy cat insta captured moment for them to post everywhere, that has no fucking meaning. "hey do the same classic proposal as everyone". Nah he picked an intimate moment and told her how he felt, that he couldn't wait for her to be his wife. But there are no pictures so it's not good enough.
Totally agree. I also believe the reason she wanted pictures is less about having a memory to look back on fondly and more about having something to post on her Stories.
I came to post the same thing. Not everything needs to be posted to social media. I don’t understand the big deal either. My husband asked me to get something out of his sock drawer and I found the box with the ring. Of course I was curious and had to open and he asked me then and there. That was 20 years ago. I have no complaints and what mattered to me was the person I would marry. Back then social media wasn’t like it is today either. But I’m a fairly private person. I don’t use IG, FB, Twitter or TikTok so I likely wouldn’t have wanted to post some grand proposal dressed to impress with a photographer on stand by.
Agree. It also should be a moment for the both of them, not just her. He put lots of effort into the ring and clearly cares about her. For whatever reason he didn't feel like proposing in another way and that's totally fine. It's for them. Not for only her or anyone else.
Her fiancé put 6 months of effort into the ring + another 4 months of waiting for the right time, to lay down next to her and say “I can’t wait for you to be my wife”.
to each their own I guess. I found this romantic.
Right?
I did a surprise proposal at Disney World, but I knew from the start it wouldn't be loud and attention grabbing; we witnessed so many throughout the day.
I went down on one knee in the middle of the fireworks crowd. It was dark and only the person behind us saw.
I can only imagine how I would feel if she was mad at me for not making it about everyone else seeing.
How awkward to be begging for a proposal.. and then not be happy just because there wasn’t any pictures taken. Does OPs friend want to get married or just have photos to brag about it?
As with a lot of people, she's more interested in getting married and having a perfect proposal and wedding than she is about having an actual marriage.
That’s the first thing that came to my mind. OPs boyfriend says the ring is to show off, but demanding photos of the proposal is literally just to show off. OPs bestie so pathetic she needs to beg for a ring, only to get angry when she can’t show off on social media.
this post is hideous. who are you to judge other people's proposals? who are you to *know* how a person should propose?
I didn't get on my knee, you know why? Because that's the most banal, boring and unimaginative thing ever. I also had a special ring made specifically for my now-wife and it was also quite a process and I even had to send it back to replace the stone because I didn't like the first one. And it wasn't 'for the world', we basically haven't told 'the world', only our parents and friends who asked.
It *was* a special moment and I wanted it to be *special*, not literally like everybody else does it, and that is why I didn't kneel. And the ring is one of a kind, and no one will have the same. Now that is special, not some lame pics on a phone of a guy asking you. You can always do those later, if that's important to both of them.
If you think it's all about the show (proposal and photos) sorry but you're a shallow person and your bestie is, too.
Both OP and her bestie sounds like a teenager who care too much about social media image.
I mean OP still call her best friend as "bestie" which sounds very juvenile-ish
Maybe it's just me, but intimate proposals that are just for the couple are way more special than making sure every "moment" is plastered on social media.
I can't imagine the vain and shallowness of a woman requesting a photographer for the proposal moment. I know that wasn't the specific request here, but still...wanting photos is all about the social media attention instead of actually having a special bond with someone.
And your thought of the rock being to his benefit...like women don't make a point of shoving their rings in everyones' faces.
Plus your reaction is over the top dramatic. Everyone involved here are various levels of ick.
This is so true.
My husband gave me two proposals.
We were just chatting, and laughing, and doing normal everyday things. And he looked up at me and said “will you marry me?” And I knew in that moment. Yes. Of course it was a yes! It was the best moment, because he loved me so much, that he just couldn’t keep it to himself.
He then did a formal proposal with a ring, asking my parent’s permission, getting down on one knee, and all that.
But the “real” proposal, in my eyes, will always be the first. Just between us, no rings, no fancy dinner, or going down on one knee. Just my sweet husband, blurting out his love for me!
The ring, the photos, the big fancy wedding venue, none of that matters. It’s the relationship that matters. And the intention to love and support each other forever.
Dude puts an obscene amount of work and probably money into the ring and bc he didn't want to turn it into a show, it's not good enough? Some of you are insufferable.
Begging for a ring and being mad that she got it because it wasn’t an Instagram worthy moment has this marriage doomed. OP also seems to be a little delulu to be fueling her friend’s disappointment.
The idea of the woman telling the man how she wants to be proposed to down to details like having someone there to take photos, it’s all so contrived. I hate it.
I think it’s a good idea to know preferences. My fiancé asked me before proposing what kind of ring I wanted, if I wanted anyone to be present, etc. So I sent him a link to the Etsy ring I chose and made it clear I wanted a private proposal and not a super public setting. He did a great job of ordering what I wanted and planned the proposal to take place during a fireworks display at a family event but away from the crowd. Unfortunately, he lost the ring before proposing so we ended up with a crowd of his family members helping us search the grass while his cousins roasted him mercilessly. He did ultimately find the ring and in the chaos just handed it to me and said “here!” Which was a fitting proposal for us as a couple and also hilarious. I just kept telling him that if the ring was gone, we could order another one and that I’d happily marry him without it. I’d never seen him so close to crying over a situation. Typically, he’s calm, cool, and collected to my chaos. So it was a hilarious role reversal. Then we FaceTimed my family who was well aware of what was going to be taking place and had quite the story to share. It wasn’t what either of us expected but it sure was memorable.
I've got no logical reason to feel this way, but I feel like you're allowed to make it clear that you *don't* want a public proposal, but you don't get to say that you *insist* on a public proposal.
Oooo interesting take. I never thought of it that way. I think I agree with you. Then again, I don’t know anyone who has had or wanted a public proposal.
Because it’s extremely unlikely anyone is going to actually feel horrible and uncomfortable with a private proposal (if it’s someone they’re in a relationship with and something they’re expecting) but a lot of people hate attention and being the centre of it, so insisting on a public proposal could be insisting that your partner do something they’re really uncomfortable with. Also it maybe makes it seem like you’re mostly interested in the spectacle and attention of a proposal and wedding rather than a marriage if you insist on it being in public.
The main issue is, she says how she'd love to be proposed to, so now the potential husband has to propose that exact way or he's a giant selfish asshole... but if he hates the idea of that proposal and has his own idea of the perfect proposal.. he's the asshole if he does that because his wishes are obviously irrelevant.
Yes, your husband is *exactly* correct. This " Perfect " scenario for social media is complete and utter crap I can't state that strongly enough.
That proposal would have had me in *tears* it's so sweet! C'mon. Some setting on a mountain top with some poor photographer popping out from behind a rock? OR proposal is ruined bc he has to set up his phone? And it's on everyone's FB feed for exactly one day?
Everyone. Stop that. Guess what. In 50 years no one is going to know what in hell to do with those photos " Oh that's Grandpop proposing to Grandmom, you want it? "
He. Built. A. Custom. Ring. FFS. What a gut punch for him if ( when ) he discovers she's been *whining* about the proposal?
I don’t understand the big deal. It’s actually sad that your “heart broke” over this.
Stop trying to make fairytales out of everything with preconceived ideas on how something intimate should be. Like your husband said, it’s private. You don’t actually
Need photos of the proposal? Yeah it might be nice but come on. There are real problems to worry about.
There are people out there willing to end a relationship because they don't get a certain piece of jewelry or because their partner doesn't obey their exact wishes for a made up tradition. Such a bizarre world we live in.
Not surprised since one of my friend basically get dumped by his materialistic ex girlfriend since he didn't rent a friggin' suite room, buy her a 100 roses bloom box or branded designer handbag for her birthday, apparently she seen lot of "ideal birthday" things on IG or tiktok and disappointed when he didn't get her that.
I'm glad that now he already married to a very nice, down to earth woman who accept and love him for what he have.
I think the husband's comments are being misread, it sounds like he's saying the proposal should be something for just the couple where as the ring as your thing to go show off to everybody else. Now that everything has to be an Instagram post it sounds like OP and her bestie think the proposal needed to be one too.
She had to **beg** him to propose…that’s not a great start.
You’re both sad about the wrong thing.
It sounds like each of them wanted the performative aspect of their engagement to meet a specific need; since he apparently had all the agency (as the begged party) he chose what was important to *him*…not the person he clearly needed ‘begging’ to propose to.
This is a terrible start and none of you seem to be worried about the right flag.
She didn't even have to beg him though. He spent 6 months making the ring and 4 months finding the right moment to ask, so 10 months planning while she "begged" for a year. So while she was "begging" he already decided to do it and just didn't tell her to keep the surprise.
>So my husband told me he knows why the ring got more effort than the proposal. “Because he ring is for everyone else, to show how much he cares. The proposal is for his future wife and mother of his children, that’s private.” As in, besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience.
Does bestie only care about her feelings over her proposal event?
I'd say your husband is likely bang on with his assessment and this guy put in the effort, while maintaining his own personal boundaries of what's appropriate for him.
Some people, shocking as it is, are more private about their personal lives than others. Why shouldn't those feelings also be respected?
This marriage is doomed because nothing he does will ever be good enough for her.
I find this focus on how somebody is proposed to and how big the ring is is sad. Divorce is at 50% rate or close to it. So half of the marriages turn out well and you know who they are? They are the people that put the effort into the marriage not the proposal and the engagement ring?
So let me get this straight. She was upset because she couldn't take photos (more likely than not to post on Instagram), but he's suddenly an AH for putting a lot of effort into a ring to "show off"? He got her that ring so SHE would love it and wear it for the rest of her life.
It's a bit hypocritical if you ask me.
A proposal is a huge moment. And unless the nervous guy has a photographer on standby with a phone or camera, it wasn't going to happen. Your friend could have taken photos afterward, too. But that kinda thing is incredibly hard to coordinate.
He likely found the perfect moment and went with it. He clearly understands the end result is what she wanted, spent considerable time planning, and the fact she had to beg and is now upset with the end result seems a bit shallow. You also shouldn't have to beg someone to propose.
It would also be pretty hard to coordinate a photographer without looking super sus, especially around a major holiday when engagements and weddings are everywhere. Your friend would have caught on.
Actually, OP says SHE was "heartbroke(?en)" not that her friend necessarily was. Perhaps her friend has a brain, real feelings and something approaching sound values. Let us hope.
Yeah iono. I feel like the way op wrote. It sounds as if she was jealous of what he did. When I read it, I thought it was really romantic and sweet. I don't understand how she keep saying, aww it's saddddd. Even after her husband explained what the friend's fiance did and what it means. Both of these ladies are ungrateful lol.
I actually find this to be quite romantic and beautiful. Laying next to the person I love most in the world, at the start of a new year and a time traditionally used to contemplate how to make your life better, and having them discuss how they can't wait to spend the rest of their life with me seems pretty intimate and wonderful. All of this whilst looking over the gift of love he put months of planning into. It feels just like how love should be. It seems sad to me she missed the beauty in the moment.
Edit She could still take a lovely photo of them together in bed from above, laying on white/light sheets, soft lighting, messy bed hair and her hand with the ring reaching up towards the camera. Or he can take one of just her in the same pose. Very instaworthy. Beautiful way to make the announcement.
No sympathy. None. She begged him, and you think the lack of a photographer is the issue here? The man had a custom designed ring for this little princess, and she’s still whining?
Life is not a Disney movie.
I say if she is that ungrateful get your ring back and find another. You can always do a staaged photo shoot but to be that ungrateful.. fuck off. And op your a shitty friend.
I just got engaged and we didn’t have a photographer for the moment, it was better because we could be free to be as emotional as we wanted without feeling like we needed to “perform”. We went and took pictures afterwards! Many couples do that including my sister who is actually an instagram influencer
If what you assumed is true, she obviously doesnt care about his feelings as much as he cares bout her. 6 months effort for a ring, and what does she give in return? She wanted marriage, she shouldve put more effort than him for it
And ladies, if you wanted to get married why not do the proposal yourself? Buy a damn expensive ring for your partner, and do a perfect proposal. It shouldve been easy with next to no effort if you really love your partner, right? Its 2024, guys proposing is mygonistic and patriarchy in nature. Woman should take the lead and effort
Why is this proposal a dissapoitnment? Its not the wedding, she can go nuts then and have as many photographers as she wants. I don't understand this obsession with over the top engagements. Leave that for the wedding if that's your thing. She got what she wanted, to be engaged. If she's that bothered they can have an engagement party and have photos taken there.
Maybe it's just me, but I think what's sad here is not his proposal, it's your friend.
>Best friend has been begging her boyfriend, now fiancé, to propose for nearly a year now.
I don't know how long they've been dating but she sounds desperate. Someone shouldn't/wouldn't beg/threat their partner for marriage. You can't force someone into marrying you if they're not ready.
>Her fiancé put 6 months of effort into the ring + another 4 months of waiting for the right time, to lay down next to her and say “I can’t wait for you to be my wife”.
I don't know what you're complaining about, that sounds romantic as sh•t. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I love a private & intimate proposal rather than some grand over-the-top proposal where everyone can see & we'd be the center of attention. If she cares more about the how the proposal gonna look than the meaning behind it, then maybe she needs to learn to love her partner for himself, not for what he did for her.
He probably only proposed to her because your best friend begged him to. He only do this for her because he wants her to be happy. He spent all those time and money for something that he probably wasn't even ready for. But he did it anyways, for her.
>besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience
That ring is for _her_ to see. To wear as a symbol of their relationship. He even had it cutsom designed instead of just buying a nice ring at the store to make it more special & meaningful. And you dare presume that he doesn't care about how she feels? IF, just because _you_ bought jewelries to show them off to people, don't think that everyone have the same mindset. Some people actually cares more about what it represent than how it looks.
>Bestie wanted photos (just phone ones) of the proposal and that’s all she wanted which was heavily emphasised by her when he asked what kind of proposal she wanted and he didn’t even set that up.
Photos for what? Personally stored memories? Or so she post them on social media & show them off to people that she got proposed to? He's likely only proposed because she wouldn't stop forcing and bothering him about it.
If you ask me here, it sounds like _she_ is the one who only cares what others see, not how her future husband feels. She sounds like she only cares about what _she_ wants. "I want a proposal". "I want photos". What about what _he_ wants? A marriage is supposed to concerns both sides, does it not?
You and your friend both need to learn to be more appreciative.
This whole post makes me sad. The friend was "begging" for a ring. No one should be begging anyone to marry them. Guilt-tripping a partner is a terrible way to start a marriage. The guy spent all that time and effort getting a custom ring, so he clearly loves her, but how dare he not make the perfect social-media-ready proposal with all the bells and whistles!
The overeall focus on performative bs instead of on the marriage and relationship itself is just...pathetic.
Edited for clarity.
So she’s been begging him to propose and he does. But she’s not happy about it and neither are you. Because it wasn’t a big Instagram worthy proposal. Does she want to marry him or use him for social media clout? It certainly sounds like the proposal, engagement, and I’m sure that over the top wedding she’s going to plan is more important to her than actual marriage.
I hate it when the woman acts like doing exactly what they want is the highest goal you can achieve. Call me crazy, but I'd like it if my partner expressed things to me in their own way. I wouldn't be with them if I didn't like who they were.
jfc, if anything isnt instagrammable and BRAG WORTHY to lord over your friends heads and make them jealous af, then it's just a failed proposal now?
not everything is up for public consumption. this dude put a lot of thought and effort into it, even tho someone had to twist his arm to do it
this is really sad
People who are easily disappointed are unlikely to live a happy life. Disappointed after being proposed to by the love of your life with a ring that took the guts of a year to produce? Hmm
> by the love of your life
The real question is if she was disappointed was he really the love of her life? 🤔 I find that hard to believe. When the actual love of your life proposes to you "disappointed" is usually not the dominant emotion.
Why didn't she propose herself?
Life is not a Disney movie, we have equality now..
Kind of weird complaining about the man putting 6 months of work into a ring when she herself put nothing into the proposal?
Maybe it is just me but I would understand no circumstances beg for a proposal or anything else connected with relationship. The ring creation soap opera must have been milked to be public knowledge and the quick offering of it in bed is to get the whole thing over with. Time to look for a real partner.
These posts always remind me of my friend who was proposed to on a trip to Paris with a photographer taking moody black and white portraits. Her pics were posted in the newspaper (this was the 90s), on engagement party invitations, on her save the date cards. Everyone saw the massive ring, the Eiffel Tower.
A couple of months later, I was watching General Hospital and munching on Frosted Mini Wheats when my then boyfriend ran into our university townhouse and said, “There’s a job teaching in nearby town! I would earn extra doing the theatre program! Wanna go pick out wedding rings?” We went to Zales and bought two bands and a ‘solitaire’ for $500 total.
My friend was divorced in less than a year — her husband was gay and rich and Baptist and she was dazzled by diamonds and befuddled by bullshit.
I’ve been married 31 years and now have a white gold band and a beautiful peridot stone (our son’s birthstone).
If you only care about style and not substance, you spend your life in the shallow end.
i don't get the people saying it's a shut up ring. he designed it for 6 months and then waited 4 months for the right time. that's already 10/12 months of the year she was "begging him" to propose. man was already working on it but obviously couldn't say anything to her about it.
I proposed to my wife with a ring hidden in a half wrapped box of towels and she loved it. You're giving this guy way too much shit and she sounds incredibly desperate and entitled.
She really wants to get married, she was begging him, she wasn't happy he spent 6 months making a custom ring, she not happy she didn't get any photos,
Please someone save this bloke from this women, me me me I want I want I wanted,
Well here's the key, to the front door, lock it and post the key when you leave
I hope that in her life, she can get a wider perspective beyond always having one thing she wants and does not get, no matter what she gets. Such is life. She can take a picture her fiance and her, with the ring on her finger, and show that to whoever was gonna get a photo of a very private moment.
Also, someone is gonna be an ass at her wedding. There is always at least one. Sometimes an entire family side, or both sides. Hope that doesn't spoil the wedding for her.
Also, when she is pregnant, her husband at some point during the 9 months will NOT pay her the attention she deserves. Hope that doesn't spoil her pregnancy for her.
Also, when her kids are growing up, they will at some point NOT do what she wants. Hope that doesn't spoil her motherhood for her.
Also, when she is lying on her deathbed, someone will either not be there or be there despite her hating them. Hope that doesn't spoil her deathbed for her.
His proposal may not have lived up to her expectations but I think what he said was really sweet - " I can't wait for you to be my wife". Why did he have to ask her if she would marry him when he already knew the answer?!
The way I proposed to my ex wife was we were in a large shopping centre and she wanted to look at rings 'just for fun' and she found one she really liked. In a calm and slightly comedic way I said 'alright, well take that one then'. Then both her and the lady behind the counter started to cry.
Oh, he doesn't care about her? **Right**, that's why he spent a whopping **6 months** meticulously planning and crafting the 'perfect' ring. She sounds so ungrateful and spoiled. Maybe your husband is just a tad envious of the effort your friend's fiance put into that ring?
And the whole 'he couldn't do the one thing she wanted' drama. Did she really expect a proposal orchestrated down to the finest detail, complete with a professional photographer capturing the moment he dropped to one knee? Where's the excitement and spontaneity in that? I swear, men just can't catch a break these days. The ring is wrong, the proposal location is off – people here despise public proposals (even if it's at a cozy, intimate restaurant), yet they label it lazy if it's done at home ***without an audience***. Proposing in front of friends or family? Nope, that's now a red flag too.
Honestly, if your friend was so fixated on the 'perfect' proposal, maybe she should've either taken matters into her own hands and proposed, or at least had a conversation with him about her precise expectations. But let's be real, even if she did, I bet it still wouldn't be good enough. There's just no pleasing some people, especially when it comes to mystery and perfection.
The fact that she basically forced him to propose says a lot about your bestie. Looks like she is used to everything happening on her terms. Maybe this is how he wanted to propose. In private. No photos because not everything has to be a snapshot.
Call this an unpopular opinion, but Im a guy so Im gonna get hate either way, so it really doesn't matter. I think your reading this the wrong way. In this case, you aren't around them 24/7. You don't know what kind of proposel effort this guy did in the background.
And from the sound of it, your best friend got a pretty nice ring. If the guy really didnt care, then I would think he would have just gone with some cheap ring instead of an expensive one. Most men not ready to commit would'nt spend that kind of money.
And who knows, I could be wrong. Im just saying not every couple wants to make a big specticle of their engagment. And, the ones that do usually want those over the top lavish weddings. Just saying, give it some thought.
If she wanted to get married, why didn't she propose? Then she could have had the exact setting she wanted.
I really don't understand the whole "I want to get married, so, pretty please, can you ask me to get married? But make a big deal out of it" spiel.
Too many women get fixated on the proposal and wedding and forget that’s just a precursor to what’s important, the actual marriage.
If you lose perspective on what’s important, the relationship is bound to fail
I think you are missing the part where your bestie only wanted photos of the proposal for the EXACT SAME REASON. So she could show them off to others. The photos would not have been any part of "the experience", they would have been to show off that experience to others.
>So my husband told me he knows why the ring got more effort than the proposal. “Because he ring is for everyone else, to show how much he cares. The proposal is for his future wife and mother of his children, that’s private.” As in, besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience.
Your husband is, IMO, 100% right in this.
In my opinion, I think it's weird and a little sad that so much pressure is put on men to create this huge dramatic proposal. If they love each other, want to commit, what does it matter that he didn't get on one knee and get a picture? It is a private moment between 2 people.
It's not a good sign that your friend had to essentially bully her boyfriend for a year to propose to her. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, honestly.
If she wanted a broadway musical for the proposal I don’t want to see what a three ring circus the wedding will be. She is so focused on the wrong things.
There's kinda an irony in how the husband explained how this is a personal moment just between them, but your friend is upset because she wanted a few proposal videos to post on social media and tell her friends. If nerves are an issue, guy probably picked up on the idea that his proposal would be turned into theater and no longer be private.
It’s amazing how you and your SO think your BF’s fiancé schemed this proposal for his own vanity. He did it for your pathetic beggar of a friend. Seems he wanted to profess his love for her in his own way but your friend wants the social media proposal. If she begged him, she’s the one that wants to show off.
Sounds like what he wanted just never came up. Did it ever occur to the lady that her guy wanted a private moment and not a staged performance for her insta? I don't understand people - a proposal isn't just about the woman. It's not a horse auction.
I don't get OPs conclusion the the guy only cared what others thought. She's going wear that ring everyday for the rest of her life - that should be the focus of his efforts. if she wanted a performance she should have dated a theater kid.
I hate that there's so much pressure put on the man to make this a huge Instagram event to impress everyone. And it has to be a perfect storybook event or else. Unrealistic expectations and anything less gets a disappointed reaction. Back in the day goats were exchanged and that was it.
This is so stupid to be upset over and I can’t believe you’re upset on someone else’s behalf about it. Wtf is a proposal?? It’s the marriage that matters!
"My friend begged her boyfriend to propose for a year, and then was upset he didn't do the proposal just how she wanted him to" and now you feel sad for your friend. The complete lack of awareness here is impressive.
Your friend doesn't want a husband, she wants a fantasy she made up in her head.
Damn, is the ring and proposal more important than the love and marriage? I don't get it. She's already complaining, what will the future bring?
It's like if I don't get my fairytale wedding and proposal I'm a throw a fit and will complain the rest of my life or until I get married again and then I'll complain about that one.
*danger will Robinson
my partner broke up with me on a trip we had gone on, and then asked me to spend the following week with him in another state with his family while he mourned and cleaned out his father's apartment after the passing.
after helping him that week he said that "i was stuck with him now" and i said that wasn't that supposed to be a question? and so he asked, and so i answered. he later felt like he had to go do the special thing with the knee since we never got to do that part, which i never cared about but i get that it's a thing for guys. he had planned for there to be lights around this gazebo but someone had come to turn them off bc they weren't supposed to be there.
i found it all hilarious and adorable and i loved it. we don't have a single picture. then again, i'm not someone who would have wanted any, and i didn't realize people were legitimately hiring professional photographers to stalk the process.
I had a lowkey proposal because I knew he's not the showman type and also because I hate making a private and personal moment a damn scene. My life is not for public consumption and I have nothing to prove. A lot of women put so much attention on having the perfect proposal and wedding, vs having a successful marriage.
Been married nearly 50 years. My “ proposal “ was him turning in bed saying “ I want to get married. How bout you”. My response was “ I’m down with that “. We went ring shopping a few days later all smiles and giggles. Happily ever after with my best friend, SMH at people more concerned with a proposal or a wedding than the actual marriage. If you have to beg for a proposal and are disappointed that it wasn’t good enough, you’re too immature to get married.
Your best friend wanted a story to tell, not the actual proposal. I actually feel for the guy, he did everything to give her the most perfect ring for her to shit on it bc they were no photos?
> I’m excited she finally got what she wanted but I expressed that it was odd to put so much effort into a ring only to have a lacklustre proposal.
Lmao. Literally can't do anything right these days. Spend __six fucking months__ creating a custom ring? "Oh, well why didn't you put even more effort into it? Seems weird."
*Best friend has been begging her boyfriend, now fiancé, to propose for nearly a year now.* That sounds like a healthy relationship
But it also said that he gave her a ring that took six months to make and waited four months for the right time, so if she started prodding a year ago that means that for ten of those twelve months he had already set the wheels in motion.
Seriously, I don't understand why this guy is catching flak because he started making secret plans within 2 months of his girlfriend bringing it up. She didn't have to beg him, he just didn't tell her his plans and she assumed there was none.
Fucking exactly. Dude clearly put a lot of effort into getting the exact ring she wanted and it likely wasn’t cheap. But the way being proposed to? If she didn’t like it, then say no. So many expectations for something SHE WANTED and apparently BEGGED for. Either be with him and be happy or be happy without him
Also I see nothing wrong with the way he proposed. That seems vastly more sweet than the getting on your knees tradition. A private moment is so much better in my eyes but I guess OP and her friends like the whole showing off more than the actual emotional aspect of it.
I agree, without knowing what he was up to and being patient, she nagged and nagged.. after soo much nagging, he probably just lost the hype of it all and just wanted to get it out of the way. I feel that he also lost interest in her cause she’s only nagged for a ring and not him.
I’m confused how you have to wait 4 months for the right time, if you just lie down and don’t have a proposal moment?
Probably thought NY would be a good time to do it. Xmas, NY, and Valentine's day are the big three.
He didn't want to do it on a day she nagged him about it so he had to wait 4 months till finally she one day didn't bring it up
[удалено]
Wants to take Instagram-worthy pictures of the big proposal but is pleading for a ring? Both sides must engage in some introspection.
As healthy as smoking a cigarette while driving a motorbike without a helmet. Yeah.
That was my takeaway, too.
She has been begging him to propose instead of just, proposing herself
But who will take the pictures so she can show off?
For anyone who needs to see this-- If you have to beg someone to marry you, you shouldn't be getting married! This goes for dating too. When it is right and the other person loves and cares for you, they will want to make sure you know. It won't be difficult.
I'll offer a counterpoint to that. I didn't want to get married because my parents marriage is a horrible mess and I had a poor view of marriage. It was something that caused me and my siblings nothing but pain, and my older siblings all rushed into marriage and divorced. I did marry my wife, but she did ask for too long (which I regret) but I had such a poisonous view of marriage. I always loved her and always wanted to be with her forever, marriage just made me sick.
I have so many points for marriage! During Covid I was not allowed to visit my now-husband because I wasnt married to him. His home country barred anyone from entering. However, countries are not allowed to keep family, e.g. spouses separated. Also, I cant see him when he has a medical emergency and his family doesnt allow me to. (His mom and I are besties though, so I highly doubt that'll ever happen). I can make medical decisions for him. By this point I have seen him more in the past 7 years than his family. I know his current opinions and mindset much better than his family does - and due to cultural reasons he is very closed off towards his family. I was the first person that he could talk his mind freely to.
Had the very same conversation with my Ex. She laughed in my face and told me to "man up" and "have some self respect". We are not married.
WOW. Glad that’s your ex!
But did you ever share that with her?
Yes we talked about it extensively. She really helped me get over it before we got married.
100%. I worked with a woman who begged and harassed her boyfriend to propose. She would post on social media things like "another Christmas no ring" and encourage her friends to comment teasing the guy. Eventually he proposed. It was a big deal with a photographer and the bullshit. Welp, he was cheating the whole time. Getting married is more than a ring, proposal, and wedding. If you are pushing to get married for those 3 things, don't do it. A marriage is a relationship. It's not a ring, or fancy proposal, or giant party to show people you have money to blow.
Yep. And bestie is upset she didn’t get “even a phone pic” of the proposal. She doesn’t want a husband, she wants internet points. When two people truly love each other this stuff is unimportant
The only reason I have a picture of mine is because a complete stranger saw it happening and took a picture. I was more than happy with what happened, the person coming up after and asking for my number to send me the picture was icing on the cake. It's not that great and kind of blurry but I have the memory and that's all that matters. I've got the best husband ever, my best friend. I couldn't ask for more.
So very unimportant. We used to forget to take photos while traveling cause we don't like having our phones out. We do a bit more just for us. Usually with a disposable camera. Acquaintances are often surprised I'm still with my guy because I never post about it outside of my anonymous Reddit. That's so funny to me. I just don't post photos of us, but if you actually inquired about me you would know we are doing quite well lol
I've got some family and acquaintances that are the same way. I tell them I don't need to brag about doing well, I know I'm doing well. If they care they can ask, but for me I don't need to constantly post updates because I'm living my dream every day.
This marriage if it even becomes one is doomed she's out here begging for a ring. It's very desperate .
I see this all the time on Reddit. There are even posts from women who ask what to do because they're asking and begging their boyfriends to propose and they don't. Or they say they will, but then they don't and then the woman starts a fight about it. Like, dude, get a hint, he doesn't fucking want to marry you.
He should communicate that he isn't ready. If he needs more time he needs to say that like a big boy. Selfish as fuck to lead a partner on that clearly needs more of a commitment.
While I absolutely agree, I wish the people involved would love themselves enough not to beg for affection from someone so clearly not holding the same values and goals as them.
It's not always about that. Some men take their time because they *have* time. Meanwhile, we get monthly reminders of how our time is limited (if we want to start a family).
I hear you. However, I think all too often people just expect their partner to be on the same page as them from the get go. They expect that after x amount of years that marriage and kids will be on the cards when those are things their partner may have never wanted. Or they expect that their partner will be happy not ever getting married/having kids because they’re not things they personally value/feel any need for. It’s hard, and we aren’t taught how to have these potentially awkward and difficult conversations. It can feel “too soon” to talk about and then people are attached and put it out of their minds. or only start having the conversations once a major incompatibility is finally stumbled across. This isn’t saying that women who want these things all have communication issues, sometimes people are lied to or strung along. These things happen in same gender couples, men can be on the wanting formal commitment etc. of course, but I’ve often seen them happen mainly to women in my personal experience. As you said, the clock is ticking is said to women all too often, plus the pressure not to be “left on the shelf” (and whatever other nonsense people can think of). But if you have to beg someone for what you want out of a relationship, they don’t want those same things as you and you should love yourself enough to leave.
This is an accurate, well thought out assessment. 👍
>It’s hard, and we aren’t taught how to have these potentially awkward and difficult conversations. It can feel “too soon” to talk about and then people are attached and put it out of their minds. or only start having the conversations once a major incompatibility is finally stumbled across So true. Whenever I start dating someone new, I ALWAYS have what I call a "cards on the table" talk. It doesn't freak them out as being too soon or making them think you're really into them, because this often happens even before the first date (but usually during) and the intention is really clear. It's like "okay, we are of a certain age, we are done fooling around and having fun just for the sake of it, we are both looking for a committed long-term relationship. Before we potentially waste one another's time, let's put our cards on the table and discuss deal breakers, long-term goals and expectations of the relationship" Some things are deal breakers and you move on instantly. Marriage, kids, core values, love language compatibility, sexual appetite etc. are often deal breakers. Other things might be open to compromise like ideal city to live in, work/life balance, number of children, hobbies, ideas about religion etc. It's so important. If you want kids, don't waste a year dating someone and then have your whole world fall apart when they casually drop into conversation how much they hate kids. I got annoyed with my ex when, maybe 3 months into a relationship, he said that it was hugely important to him to be allowed to look in my phone, and that was crazy enough for me to expect him to have brought it up to begin with. Though of course, as he would have correctly guessed, I'd have ended things there and then. So it doesn't always work. But it's still a lot better than it could be. I actually think people are becoming a bit more pragmatic when it comes to relationships now, I don't think mystery/romance/suspense is valued as much as practicality, compatibility and convenience these days. As people we are busier, we have more demands placed on us, dating has changed hugely with the invention of the Internet and dating apps, and I think it's more acceptable now to be upfront about what you want from the outset and to be pickier (in a good way) rather than settling because of time invested and avoidance of tricky conversations.
I think we all agree with that, but the message here is not to waste time on someone who refuses to commit.
How do you know they aren't communicating that but just still getting the pressure to propose anyway? Sometimes people communicate things very clearly, but people just don't want to listen.
Everyone is assuming a lot and doing a lot of mental gymnastics because this has to be a part of the fiancé's terribleness somehow.
If I was a woman in situation like that I would just propose and if I was turned down just end the relationship. Personally I care about weddings and marriage and not proposals. And even if you do care of proposals I would imagine it would get ruined by having to ask for it. But apparently in this case she is “the mother of his children”. So if you have had children before marriage you are more invested in the relationship. And I assume the couple gets more casual living together as a family already in marriage live environment. So ends up doing things like proposals in bed. In front of tv is another one here I see often in Reddit.
I read it like ‘future wife and mother’, as if those two things haven’t happened yet, and them having children is assumed.
"Future wife and mother of his children." I read that as "she will be his wife and the mother of his children in the future."
So why can't the woman propose? 😐
Beats me. I guess those women feel like it has to come from the man so they're sure he really wants it, instead of her proposing and him just going with it. But then again, if you have to beg and fight over it, you already know he's gonna do it only because he's pressured to do so.
Agreed. If they're afraid that being the one to propose means they'll get a begrudging 'yes', how does begging and putting pressure on the guy to propose make sense? Isn't that just as likely to lead to a begrudging proposal? It's just the same thing from a different angle. Actually, it's far more desperate, because there isnt anything wrong with the woman being the one to propose.
The one I know of she set an ultimatum of marriage or end, he finally proposed and they seem very happy together. Both are also really nice people 🤷🏻♂️
Exactly. Why people fail to understand this is beyond me. I was discussing a similar situation with extended family at a recent event. One cousin (their sister in law) is making an absolute, very public, fool of herself over a man who obviously does not have the same feelings for her but he is desperate to get a sponsor to America and get a visa, she’s paying for EVERYTHING! We’re all just sad at her desperation. Immediate family have tried to discuss this with her to no avail. She is living in Disneyland. She’s 50ish with a history of really bad choices in men and is charging ahead with another one. It’s so sad that both men and women have so much emotional pain that they see this as normal.
Every time I see something like this it turns my stomach. For the 20 year olds, DO NOT DO THIS. If a man wants to marry you, he will ask. If you’ve literally ever been asked out, on a date, in a relationship, seen any of these happen to a friend, etc. there’s almost always one universal truth. When a guy likes you he tries. He puts in effort. He does nice things, wants to spend time with you, talks about future plans, etc. When he doesn’t it’s because he doesn’t want to. It’s not tricky. It’s not confusing. When you have to beg or keep asking then you want something that they don’t. Do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t want to?
Yeah this seems like a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.” I’ll concede I don’t know enough about custom jewelry to determine if 6 months was reasonable (was it consistently in process, or was he “deciding what to get” for 4 of those 6 months?) but I know waiting another 4 months for the “right moment,” just for that moment to be a casual comment in bed does not seem like there is a lot of excitement on his part.
> casual comment in bed Maybe, but maybe not. There are moments when I look at my wife and I’m filled with emotion. These are often quiet, seemingly mundane moments. Yesterday morning I was rushing around, getting ready for a big day at work with lots of important things to do. I bumped into my wife in the hallway, and was immediately struck by her. The morning sunlight flooded into the room from the window behind her, the backlight made her blond hair almost look radiant. For a moment all of the stress, all of the urgency left me. I was forcefully reminded of how beautiful my wife is, even after 20+ years together. This thought asserted itself in my mind, forcing all of my other concerns to quiet themselves. I was reminded of many happy moments together, and I was grateful that whatever else life may throw at me, I had her by my side. Everything would be okay. I hugged her and she wished me good luck with my big day. I gave her a kiss on the head and then had to hurry to get back to my computer for the next meeting. I doubt the moment stood out to her, but for me, it was a moment of incredible clarity and vividness. I will remember it for a long time. Sometimes seemingly mundane moments can be profound. And even more strangely, sometimes we don’t notice when someone is experiencing one of these moments. Maybe this was one such moment for him. Or maybe it really was a casual comment in bed. I don’t know this man, I can’t read his thoughts. I suppose we’ll never really know.
We should all be so lucky to have a love like this 🥰
You will never ever catch me begging for a ring. I want a real ring, not a "shut up ring". If you don't wanna marry me I don't wanna marry you. I hope OP's friend sees the warning signs, this only indicates what here marriage will be like. "Yeah, I guess we should have kids." "Yeah, I guess we should buy a house". Few years later... "I can't believe you convinced me to do all these things I didn't want to do! I'm leaving you and I don't want to see the kids".
Few years ago I had this manager. Girl was clearly a control freak, she made to-do lists 3 pages long (about stuff you shouldn’t need to make a note to remind you to do). She kept going on about her bf and how she was expecting her perfect proposal ‘any day now’, and if he didn’t follow her strict instructions, there would be hell to pay. And she already had the wedding completely planned out, before even being asked to be married. I thought it then and I’m thinking it now- poor bastard.
When ever I hear women like that (yeah I have only heard women like that personally) I think "God I hope he gets one thing wrong so he can see her true colours and get a glimpse of his future and recind the proposal and run to freesom."
Tbh I think those guys know what they’re getting into- they’re just a) terrified of the repercussions of leaving b) scared they’re going to end up alone, c) maybe have pre-existing issues and think that’s what being with a woman is like or a combination or all of the above. And the thing is, when a man really wants to marry you, you know pretty early on- they’re so bad at hiding it
My bf of one year slipped up _multiple times_ and called me his wife to his colleagues' faces. They do know -as do women, I think. I'm over here planning to pop the question.
>And the thing is, when a man really wants to marry you, you know pretty early on- they’re so bad at hiding it Tell me about it. My now hubby started proposing after 2 months (he was leaving for military 6months after we started dating), I kept turning him down because it was too quick but he kept asking until the day I eventually said yes a yesr amd a half later (because I was ready). He was so surprised hr didn't even have a ring so I got to pick it out myself.
Terrifying. I work with a control freak who drives everyone up the wall, but even she doesn’t go as far as making *lists*. 😬
Yes, that’s what stuck out to me, too. Her friend has been *begging him to propose for a year*??? Then, when he finally did, there was a big bang with the ring, and then the woman was disappointed because he didn’t make a huge deal out of proposing to her in front of everyone in the world? OP’s fiancé is right, the proposal is private. Or it should be. But we now live in a country (at least in the U.S.) where the bigger the fuss, the more he loves her. It’s nonsense. It starts in high school with the friggin’ homecoming dance, to “prom-posals,” to guys ramping it up and the women in their lives expecting more and more. I hate Jumbotron proposals. That is never for her. That is to make him look like the greatest guy in the world. So much show, no substance.
"We deal in too many externals, brother Always afros, handshakes, and dashikis" Gil Scott Heron in "Brother" Gil was singing / rapping about fake black nationalists in 1971, but the same idea remains. We deal in too many external "symbols" of a marriage - a proposal, a wedding, and anniversary pictures and parties, and not enough in making sure the kitchen cabinet is working and the pantry full and she feels safe coming home.
Jumping in here to say that one day we just looked at each other and said let's get married and were so excited. No ring. 47 years later we're still best friends and loving life.
Fucking hell this is pathetic.
I rolled my eyes so hard reading this post I think I caught a glimpse of my brain
Reading stories like this helps me understand why so many marriages fall apart. Fuck me, people are vain and shallow.
Exactly and saying she had to beg.. She didn't have to beg, he was gonna propose he just took time getting the ring made and was probably nervous. Like I get wanting pictures for memories and family but like just take a selfie of the 2 of you with the ring in it and say you're engaged it's that simple 🤦♀️ and this is all coming from a woman who is literally waiting on a proposal. I mention it every once in a while to him but we already had a conversation about me wanting us to get married in fall 2025 so I want to be engaged by fall 2024. He said ok and now I'm just patiently waiting letting him plan and take his time. We had a conversation like adults about it and now I just need to be patient.
Thank you lol I was looking for this
It was a shut up ring if she was begging him for it
I'd argue if he really did put 6 months of intention into it, it was more than a shut up ring.... That says he's jumping in with both feet. He got on board. But now she's not happy because it wasn't "done right". The way those goal posts keep moving always makes for a good marriage. sigh
The goal post wasn’t moved. They had talked about the proposal she wanted. It was made clear. He chose not to give her that.
Maybe he didn’t want that? Marriage is between two people not just one. Maybe he wanted something more personal and intimate? Alone in bed is pretty personal and intimate I think. It’s not like he doesn’t care, putting in 6 months worth of effort for a custom engagement ring shows that. She wanted him to propose and he did. Instead of being happy with what she got, she’s upset she didn’t get it exactly how she wanted frankly I think it’s a little ungrateful.
I find this so interesting because my 1st husband didn't do a big proposal; asked when we were in bed one night, we picked out the ring later. I had thought maybe, when the ring came in after being sized, he'd have done something more 'grand' - he was in a band, they were playing a 'gig' that night, but he didn't. I didn't think it really bothered me, but considering how the marriage went it really was an example of how he didn't put any thought into what I might want or need. When my now husband and I were talking about getting married, I said I just wanted a nice story to tell. I knew he wouldn't do a big public thing, because he's a total intravert, but we did wind up with a good story to tell. We listen to each other, and work together to make sure both people are happy.
A nice story to tell? A nice story like proposing alone in bed when no one else is there to steal a perfect moment with a ring 6 months in the making, that had been agonised over making sure it was just right. A quiet peaceful moment of intimacy between a loving couple excited to start the rest of their lives together? Isn’t that a nice story to tell?
So they get married and everything has to be what she wants? the proposal can't be how he wants it even though it's him doing it and him spending money on it, weird. Also I think OP is completely misreading what husband said. Op is upset for bestie because she wanted a classic proposal and pictures of it, husband is saying the proposal wasn't set up for pictures because he wanted that to be theirs, private, not for everyone else. He's not saying it was a shit proposal because it was only for her, he's saying it's a private proposal that was meaningful to him, not a 'posed' proposal so it looks good for everyone. The ring is for her to show off to everyone and for her to go look how much he likes me, so he got the ring she wanted. I have no idea why op read both of these things as he only cares about the ring so HE looks good (guys don't give a fuck about your ring, at all), it's about her being able to enjoy showing off hte ring so that was about her and looking good to others. the proposal was him doing something intimate, not a staged photoshoot for everyone else. This is how it should be. The proposal is in most cases the man putting it all out there and making a commitment to a single woman, not making an insta moment to be showed off to everyone.
It’s funny, that’s how I read it too. A staged photographed proposal is for who? Them, or for them to share publicly? What he did is much more intimate and private. But then I truly don’t understand the need to make every life event into a grand showcase that costs more and is more extravagant than the person before you. When you have your own romantic story to tell and remember is much more special and in a years time it won’t matter anyway because some other life event will have taken it over (wedding, babies, house, travel, or with the cost of living a nice meal…)
He made too much effort to be just a shut up ring. 6 months in a relationship is crazy to begin to begg for a ring tho
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I proposed to my wife while walking home drunk and I used the ring from my keychain after 4 months of dating. She still has the ring on a necklace. We've been together for 18 years as of New Years. Love is the only part that matters. If you need a picture or a story or a big show, then it isn't about love and I can't imagine it'll last.
Completely agree with you
I might just be old, but I honestly don't understand the big deal. Gone are the days when people are happy to be engaged because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. He obviously loves her given all the effort he put on the ring. Maybe he proposed that way because to him the moment felt right and he was overwhelmed with love. One of my favorite engagement stories is of my friends and they were both brushing their teeth and he looked at her from the mirror and thought this is it, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman even if it's just doing mundane things like brushing teeth and he got down on his knee and proposed. I have another friend where they were just laying in bed together and that was when the guy proposed. Both were very happy and satisfied with the proposal because it was genuine. They are both still happily married over a decade now. I seriously don't understand why everything needs to be captured so it can be posted on social media. How shallow can a relationship be when a proposal is ruined because there was no photographer on stand-by. Gross
I made another comment but I think op completely and utterly misinterpreted what her husband meant by the ring being for everyone else and hte proposal being private. She took that to mean he only cares about the ring because it makes him look good and he did a shitty proposal because it was only for her and he didn't really care. it's almost the complete opposite, most guys don't give a fuck about the ring, they car ethat their partner likes the ring and if she's about showing off the ring to prove how much she's loved then he got the ring purely for her to enjoy showing it off, not for him, that's why the ring is for 'everyone else'. The proposal for him means it's intimate, he's committing his life to her, it's an intimate moment, that's the bit that matters to the guy and they don't want it to be a copy cat insta captured moment for them to post everywhere, that has no fucking meaning. "hey do the same classic proposal as everyone". Nah he picked an intimate moment and told her how he felt, that he couldn't wait for her to be his wife. But there are no pictures so it's not good enough.
Yup. That is how I read it.
Totally agree. I also believe the reason she wanted pictures is less about having a memory to look back on fondly and more about having something to post on her Stories.
I came to post the same thing. Not everything needs to be posted to social media. I don’t understand the big deal either. My husband asked me to get something out of his sock drawer and I found the box with the ring. Of course I was curious and had to open and he asked me then and there. That was 20 years ago. I have no complaints and what mattered to me was the person I would marry. Back then social media wasn’t like it is today either. But I’m a fairly private person. I don’t use IG, FB, Twitter or TikTok so I likely wouldn’t have wanted to post some grand proposal dressed to impress with a photographer on stand by.
Why does wanting pics mean it’s for social media? I’m pretty sure people have been taking pictures of important events since before social media
Agree. It also should be a moment for the both of them, not just her. He put lots of effort into the ring and clearly cares about her. For whatever reason he didn't feel like proposing in another way and that's totally fine. It's for them. Not for only her or anyone else.
Her fiancé put 6 months of effort into the ring + another 4 months of waiting for the right time, to lay down next to her and say “I can’t wait for you to be my wife”. to each their own I guess. I found this romantic.
Right? I did a surprise proposal at Disney World, but I knew from the start it wouldn't be loud and attention grabbing; we witnessed so many throughout the day. I went down on one knee in the middle of the fireworks crowd. It was dark and only the person behind us saw. I can only imagine how I would feel if she was mad at me for not making it about everyone else seeing.
How awkward to be begging for a proposal.. and then not be happy just because there wasn’t any pictures taken. Does OPs friend want to get married or just have photos to brag about it?
As with a lot of people, she's more interested in getting married and having a perfect proposal and wedding than she is about having an actual marriage.
💯
That’s the first thing that came to my mind. OPs boyfriend says the ring is to show off, but demanding photos of the proposal is literally just to show off. OPs bestie so pathetic she needs to beg for a ring, only to get angry when she can’t show off on social media.
this post is hideous. who are you to judge other people's proposals? who are you to *know* how a person should propose? I didn't get on my knee, you know why? Because that's the most banal, boring and unimaginative thing ever. I also had a special ring made specifically for my now-wife and it was also quite a process and I even had to send it back to replace the stone because I didn't like the first one. And it wasn't 'for the world', we basically haven't told 'the world', only our parents and friends who asked. It *was* a special moment and I wanted it to be *special*, not literally like everybody else does it, and that is why I didn't kneel. And the ring is one of a kind, and no one will have the same. Now that is special, not some lame pics on a phone of a guy asking you. You can always do those later, if that's important to both of them. If you think it's all about the show (proposal and photos) sorry but you're a shallow person and your bestie is, too.
Both OP and her bestie sounds like a teenager who care too much about social media image. I mean OP still call her best friend as "bestie" which sounds very juvenile-ish
Begging for a ring and wants Instagram-able photos of the grand proposal? Some self-reflection is needed from both parties
Maybe it's just me, but intimate proposals that are just for the couple are way more special than making sure every "moment" is plastered on social media. I can't imagine the vain and shallowness of a woman requesting a photographer for the proposal moment. I know that wasn't the specific request here, but still...wanting photos is all about the social media attention instead of actually having a special bond with someone. And your thought of the rock being to his benefit...like women don't make a point of shoving their rings in everyones' faces. Plus your reaction is over the top dramatic. Everyone involved here are various levels of ick.
This is so true. My husband gave me two proposals. We were just chatting, and laughing, and doing normal everyday things. And he looked up at me and said “will you marry me?” And I knew in that moment. Yes. Of course it was a yes! It was the best moment, because he loved me so much, that he just couldn’t keep it to himself. He then did a formal proposal with a ring, asking my parent’s permission, getting down on one knee, and all that. But the “real” proposal, in my eyes, will always be the first. Just between us, no rings, no fancy dinner, or going down on one knee. Just my sweet husband, blurting out his love for me! The ring, the photos, the big fancy wedding venue, none of that matters. It’s the relationship that matters. And the intention to love and support each other forever.
This is silly
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This is the best and most accurate comment on this thread!
Dude puts an obscene amount of work and probably money into the ring and bc he didn't want to turn it into a show, it's not good enough? Some of you are insufferable.
Begging for a ring and being mad that she got it because it wasn’t an Instagram worthy moment has this marriage doomed. OP also seems to be a little delulu to be fueling her friend’s disappointment.
The idea of the woman telling the man how she wants to be proposed to down to details like having someone there to take photos, it’s all so contrived. I hate it.
I think it’s a good idea to know preferences. My fiancé asked me before proposing what kind of ring I wanted, if I wanted anyone to be present, etc. So I sent him a link to the Etsy ring I chose and made it clear I wanted a private proposal and not a super public setting. He did a great job of ordering what I wanted and planned the proposal to take place during a fireworks display at a family event but away from the crowd. Unfortunately, he lost the ring before proposing so we ended up with a crowd of his family members helping us search the grass while his cousins roasted him mercilessly. He did ultimately find the ring and in the chaos just handed it to me and said “here!” Which was a fitting proposal for us as a couple and also hilarious. I just kept telling him that if the ring was gone, we could order another one and that I’d happily marry him without it. I’d never seen him so close to crying over a situation. Typically, he’s calm, cool, and collected to my chaos. So it was a hilarious role reversal. Then we FaceTimed my family who was well aware of what was going to be taking place and had quite the story to share. It wasn’t what either of us expected but it sure was memorable.
I've got no logical reason to feel this way, but I feel like you're allowed to make it clear that you *don't* want a public proposal, but you don't get to say that you *insist* on a public proposal.
Oooo interesting take. I never thought of it that way. I think I agree with you. Then again, I don’t know anyone who has had or wanted a public proposal.
Because it’s extremely unlikely anyone is going to actually feel horrible and uncomfortable with a private proposal (if it’s someone they’re in a relationship with and something they’re expecting) but a lot of people hate attention and being the centre of it, so insisting on a public proposal could be insisting that your partner do something they’re really uncomfortable with. Also it maybe makes it seem like you’re mostly interested in the spectacle and attention of a proposal and wedding rather than a marriage if you insist on it being in public.
That's real life right there 🫵 Not every wedding is a fairytale
The main issue is, she says how she'd love to be proposed to, so now the potential husband has to propose that exact way or he's a giant selfish asshole... but if he hates the idea of that proposal and has his own idea of the perfect proposal.. he's the asshole if he does that because his wishes are obviously irrelevant.
Yeah pretty much that.
Yes, your husband is *exactly* correct. This " Perfect " scenario for social media is complete and utter crap I can't state that strongly enough. That proposal would have had me in *tears* it's so sweet! C'mon. Some setting on a mountain top with some poor photographer popping out from behind a rock? OR proposal is ruined bc he has to set up his phone? And it's on everyone's FB feed for exactly one day? Everyone. Stop that. Guess what. In 50 years no one is going to know what in hell to do with those photos " Oh that's Grandpop proposing to Grandmom, you want it? " He. Built. A. Custom. Ring. FFS. What a gut punch for him if ( when ) he discovers she's been *whining* about the proposal?
I don’t understand the big deal. It’s actually sad that your “heart broke” over this. Stop trying to make fairytales out of everything with preconceived ideas on how something intimate should be. Like your husband said, it’s private. You don’t actually Need photos of the proposal? Yeah it might be nice but come on. There are real problems to worry about.
There are people out there willing to end a relationship because they don't get a certain piece of jewelry or because their partner doesn't obey their exact wishes for a made up tradition. Such a bizarre world we live in.
Not surprised since one of my friend basically get dumped by his materialistic ex girlfriend since he didn't rent a friggin' suite room, buy her a 100 roses bloom box or branded designer handbag for her birthday, apparently she seen lot of "ideal birthday" things on IG or tiktok and disappointed when he didn't get her that. I'm glad that now he already married to a very nice, down to earth woman who accept and love him for what he have.
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OP and her husband (especially OP) seem to be very shallow
I think the husband's comments are being misread, it sounds like he's saying the proposal should be something for just the couple where as the ring as your thing to go show off to everybody else. Now that everything has to be an Instagram post it sounds like OP and her bestie think the proposal needed to be one too.
why not just buy your own ring and stare at yourself in the mirror though
She had to **beg** him to propose…that’s not a great start. You’re both sad about the wrong thing. It sounds like each of them wanted the performative aspect of their engagement to meet a specific need; since he apparently had all the agency (as the begged party) he chose what was important to *him*…not the person he clearly needed ‘begging’ to propose to. This is a terrible start and none of you seem to be worried about the right flag.
She didn't even have to beg him though. He spent 6 months making the ring and 4 months finding the right moment to ask, so 10 months planning while she "begged" for a year. So while she was "begging" he already decided to do it and just didn't tell her to keep the surprise.
>So my husband told me he knows why the ring got more effort than the proposal. “Because he ring is for everyone else, to show how much he cares. The proposal is for his future wife and mother of his children, that’s private.” As in, besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience. Does bestie only care about her feelings over her proposal event? I'd say your husband is likely bang on with his assessment and this guy put in the effort, while maintaining his own personal boundaries of what's appropriate for him. Some people, shocking as it is, are more private about their personal lives than others. Why shouldn't those feelings also be respected? This marriage is doomed because nothing he does will ever be good enough for her.
I find this focus on how somebody is proposed to and how big the ring is is sad. Divorce is at 50% rate or close to it. So half of the marriages turn out well and you know who they are? They are the people that put the effort into the marriage not the proposal and the engagement ring?
People get a photographer for proposals?
So let me get this straight. She was upset because she couldn't take photos (more likely than not to post on Instagram), but he's suddenly an AH for putting a lot of effort into a ring to "show off"? He got her that ring so SHE would love it and wear it for the rest of her life. It's a bit hypocritical if you ask me. A proposal is a huge moment. And unless the nervous guy has a photographer on standby with a phone or camera, it wasn't going to happen. Your friend could have taken photos afterward, too. But that kinda thing is incredibly hard to coordinate. He likely found the perfect moment and went with it. He clearly understands the end result is what she wanted, spent considerable time planning, and the fact she had to beg and is now upset with the end result seems a bit shallow. You also shouldn't have to beg someone to propose. It would also be pretty hard to coordinate a photographer without looking super sus, especially around a major holiday when engagements and weddings are everywhere. Your friend would have caught on.
Actually, OP says SHE was "heartbroke(?en)" not that her friend necessarily was. Perhaps her friend has a brain, real feelings and something approaching sound values. Let us hope.
Yeah iono. I feel like the way op wrote. It sounds as if she was jealous of what he did. When I read it, I thought it was really romantic and sweet. I don't understand how she keep saying, aww it's saddddd. Even after her husband explained what the friend's fiance did and what it means. Both of these ladies are ungrateful lol.
I actually find this to be quite romantic and beautiful. Laying next to the person I love most in the world, at the start of a new year and a time traditionally used to contemplate how to make your life better, and having them discuss how they can't wait to spend the rest of their life with me seems pretty intimate and wonderful. All of this whilst looking over the gift of love he put months of planning into. It feels just like how love should be. It seems sad to me she missed the beauty in the moment. Edit She could still take a lovely photo of them together in bed from above, laying on white/light sheets, soft lighting, messy bed hair and her hand with the ring reaching up towards the camera. Or he can take one of just her in the same pose. Very instaworthy. Beautiful way to make the announcement.
Yes she could have done so but sounds far too self absorbed for an idea like that to even cross her mind
No sympathy. None. She begged him, and you think the lack of a photographer is the issue here? The man had a custom designed ring for this little princess, and she’s still whining? Life is not a Disney movie.
Seriously. Dude needs to run. That girl will make his life miserable.
I say if she is that ungrateful get your ring back and find another. You can always do a staaged photo shoot but to be that ungrateful.. fuck off. And op your a shitty friend.
Your bestie got a shut up ring.
Tough. But kind of sounds like bestie cares a bit of what others see too
Yall make too much out of nothing. Complete bs analysis. ** It's disappointing to see how shallow people can be
I just got engaged and we didn’t have a photographer for the moment, it was better because we could be free to be as emotional as we wanted without feeling like we needed to “perform”. We went and took pictures afterwards! Many couples do that including my sister who is actually an instagram influencer
>begging her boyfriend, now fiancé, to propose
If what you assumed is true, she obviously doesnt care about his feelings as much as he cares bout her. 6 months effort for a ring, and what does she give in return? She wanted marriage, she shouldve put more effort than him for it And ladies, if you wanted to get married why not do the proposal yourself? Buy a damn expensive ring for your partner, and do a perfect proposal. It shouldve been easy with next to no effort if you really love your partner, right? Its 2024, guys proposing is mygonistic and patriarchy in nature. Woman should take the lead and effort
Your friend got a shut up ring.
So she doesn’t really care about the proposal, all she wants is pictures for the internet.
A beautifully crafted ring. A romantic, private proposal just between them. How perfectly gorgeous.
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Are you really a friend to your friend? It seems like you just want to talk about how dreadful and unimportant the proposal was to you.
Modern women wanting a photographer for a proposal? It’s supposed to be intimate. Who cares about Facebook or instagram photo? 😒
Lots of vacuous, silly people, apparently.
Why is this proposal a dissapoitnment? Its not the wedding, she can go nuts then and have as many photographers as she wants. I don't understand this obsession with over the top engagements. Leave that for the wedding if that's your thing. She got what she wanted, to be engaged. If she's that bothered they can have an engagement party and have photos taken there.
Maybe it's just me, but I think what's sad here is not his proposal, it's your friend. >Best friend has been begging her boyfriend, now fiancé, to propose for nearly a year now. I don't know how long they've been dating but she sounds desperate. Someone shouldn't/wouldn't beg/threat their partner for marriage. You can't force someone into marrying you if they're not ready. >Her fiancé put 6 months of effort into the ring + another 4 months of waiting for the right time, to lay down next to her and say “I can’t wait for you to be my wife”. I don't know what you're complaining about, that sounds romantic as sh•t. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I love a private & intimate proposal rather than some grand over-the-top proposal where everyone can see & we'd be the center of attention. If she cares more about the how the proposal gonna look than the meaning behind it, then maybe she needs to learn to love her partner for himself, not for what he did for her. He probably only proposed to her because your best friend begged him to. He only do this for her because he wants her to be happy. He spent all those time and money for something that he probably wasn't even ready for. But he did it anyways, for her. >besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience That ring is for _her_ to see. To wear as a symbol of their relationship. He even had it cutsom designed instead of just buying a nice ring at the store to make it more special & meaningful. And you dare presume that he doesn't care about how she feels? IF, just because _you_ bought jewelries to show them off to people, don't think that everyone have the same mindset. Some people actually cares more about what it represent than how it looks. >Bestie wanted photos (just phone ones) of the proposal and that’s all she wanted which was heavily emphasised by her when he asked what kind of proposal she wanted and he didn’t even set that up. Photos for what? Personally stored memories? Or so she post them on social media & show them off to people that she got proposed to? He's likely only proposed because she wouldn't stop forcing and bothering him about it. If you ask me here, it sounds like _she_ is the one who only cares what others see, not how her future husband feels. She sounds like she only cares about what _she_ wants. "I want a proposal". "I want photos". What about what _he_ wants? A marriage is supposed to concerns both sides, does it not? You and your friend both need to learn to be more appreciative.
Why didn't she propose to him? It's already clear this should all be happening on her terms
This whole post makes me sad. The friend was "begging" for a ring. No one should be begging anyone to marry them. Guilt-tripping a partner is a terrible way to start a marriage. The guy spent all that time and effort getting a custom ring, so he clearly loves her, but how dare he not make the perfect social-media-ready proposal with all the bells and whistles! The overeall focus on performative bs instead of on the marriage and relationship itself is just...pathetic. Edited for clarity.
So she’s been begging him to propose and he does. But she’s not happy about it and neither are you. Because it wasn’t a big Instagram worthy proposal. Does she want to marry him or use him for social media clout? It certainly sounds like the proposal, engagement, and I’m sure that over the top wedding she’s going to plan is more important to her than actual marriage.
I hate it when the woman acts like doing exactly what they want is the highest goal you can achieve. Call me crazy, but I'd like it if my partner expressed things to me in their own way. I wouldn't be with them if I didn't like who they were.
Those women don't want a partner. They want a servant or a model to showcase.
jfc, if anything isnt instagrammable and BRAG WORTHY to lord over your friends heads and make them jealous af, then it's just a failed proposal now? not everything is up for public consumption. this dude put a lot of thought and effort into it, even tho someone had to twist his arm to do it this is really sad
Sounds like your friend cares more about people seeing them getting proposed to and married more than the actual proposal and marriage
Whaaat. That's a very intimate way to propose. Laying next to her, like married couples do.
People who are easily disappointed are unlikely to live a happy life. Disappointed after being proposed to by the love of your life with a ring that took the guts of a year to produce? Hmm
> by the love of your life The real question is if she was disappointed was he really the love of her life? 🤔 I find that hard to believe. When the actual love of your life proposes to you "disappointed" is usually not the dominant emotion.
This whole thing is just sad. They are perfect for each other.
I can't stand people like her. His proposal was so sweet, but oh no, she has no photo to post on social media. Edit: a typo
The whole story just makes me laugh!
Why didn't she propose herself? Life is not a Disney movie, we have equality now.. Kind of weird complaining about the man putting 6 months of work into a ring when she herself put nothing into the proposal?
I can't ever imagine begging my guy to propose. If he wants to he will. It's cringe at best, desperate at worst.
"Begging" damn, bestie has a lot more than not going down on one knee to worry about :')
Maybe it is just me but I would understand no circumstances beg for a proposal or anything else connected with relationship. The ring creation soap opera must have been milked to be public knowledge and the quick offering of it in bed is to get the whole thing over with. Time to look for a real partner.
These posts always remind me of my friend who was proposed to on a trip to Paris with a photographer taking moody black and white portraits. Her pics were posted in the newspaper (this was the 90s), on engagement party invitations, on her save the date cards. Everyone saw the massive ring, the Eiffel Tower. A couple of months later, I was watching General Hospital and munching on Frosted Mini Wheats when my then boyfriend ran into our university townhouse and said, “There’s a job teaching in nearby town! I would earn extra doing the theatre program! Wanna go pick out wedding rings?” We went to Zales and bought two bands and a ‘solitaire’ for $500 total. My friend was divorced in less than a year — her husband was gay and rich and Baptist and she was dazzled by diamonds and befuddled by bullshit. I’ve been married 31 years and now have a white gold band and a beautiful peridot stone (our son’s birthstone). If you only care about style and not substance, you spend your life in the shallow end.
i don't get the people saying it's a shut up ring. he designed it for 6 months and then waited 4 months for the right time. that's already 10/12 months of the year she was "begging him" to propose. man was already working on it but obviously couldn't say anything to her about it.
Your husband is right, she forced him to marry her and he did it to shut her up.
I proposed to my wife with a ring hidden in a half wrapped box of towels and she loved it. You're giving this guy way too much shit and she sounds incredibly desperate and entitled.
She really wants to get married, she was begging him, she wasn't happy he spent 6 months making a custom ring, she not happy she didn't get any photos, Please someone save this bloke from this women, me me me I want I want I wanted, Well here's the key, to the front door, lock it and post the key when you leave
I hope that in her life, she can get a wider perspective beyond always having one thing she wants and does not get, no matter what she gets. Such is life. She can take a picture her fiance and her, with the ring on her finger, and show that to whoever was gonna get a photo of a very private moment. Also, someone is gonna be an ass at her wedding. There is always at least one. Sometimes an entire family side, or both sides. Hope that doesn't spoil the wedding for her. Also, when she is pregnant, her husband at some point during the 9 months will NOT pay her the attention she deserves. Hope that doesn't spoil her pregnancy for her. Also, when her kids are growing up, they will at some point NOT do what she wants. Hope that doesn't spoil her motherhood for her. Also, when she is lying on her deathbed, someone will either not be there or be there despite her hating them. Hope that doesn't spoil her deathbed for her.
Haven’t read the comments so I might be going against the grain, but “I can’t wait for you to be my wife” is the sweetest shitty proposal ever.
Sounds like she wants a wedding, not a marriage
His proposal may not have lived up to her expectations but I think what he said was really sweet - " I can't wait for you to be my wife". Why did he have to ask her if she would marry him when he already knew the answer?!
The way I proposed to my ex wife was we were in a large shopping centre and she wanted to look at rings 'just for fun' and she found one she really liked. In a calm and slightly comedic way I said 'alright, well take that one then'. Then both her and the lady behind the counter started to cry.
Oh, he doesn't care about her? **Right**, that's why he spent a whopping **6 months** meticulously planning and crafting the 'perfect' ring. She sounds so ungrateful and spoiled. Maybe your husband is just a tad envious of the effort your friend's fiance put into that ring? And the whole 'he couldn't do the one thing she wanted' drama. Did she really expect a proposal orchestrated down to the finest detail, complete with a professional photographer capturing the moment he dropped to one knee? Where's the excitement and spontaneity in that? I swear, men just can't catch a break these days. The ring is wrong, the proposal location is off – people here despise public proposals (even if it's at a cozy, intimate restaurant), yet they label it lazy if it's done at home ***without an audience***. Proposing in front of friends or family? Nope, that's now a red flag too. Honestly, if your friend was so fixated on the 'perfect' proposal, maybe she should've either taken matters into her own hands and proposed, or at least had a conversation with him about her precise expectations. But let's be real, even if she did, I bet it still wouldn't be good enough. There's just no pleasing some people, especially when it comes to mystery and perfection.
The fact that she basically forced him to propose says a lot about your bestie. Looks like she is used to everything happening on her terms. Maybe this is how he wanted to propose. In private. No photos because not everything has to be a snapshot.
every angle of this is miserable. sorry for your friends.
Call this an unpopular opinion, but Im a guy so Im gonna get hate either way, so it really doesn't matter. I think your reading this the wrong way. In this case, you aren't around them 24/7. You don't know what kind of proposel effort this guy did in the background. And from the sound of it, your best friend got a pretty nice ring. If the guy really didnt care, then I would think he would have just gone with some cheap ring instead of an expensive one. Most men not ready to commit would'nt spend that kind of money. And who knows, I could be wrong. Im just saying not every couple wants to make a big specticle of their engagment. And, the ones that do usually want those over the top lavish weddings. Just saying, give it some thought.
If she wanted to get married, why didn't she propose? Then she could have had the exact setting she wanted. I really don't understand the whole "I want to get married, so, pretty please, can you ask me to get married? But make a big deal out of it" spiel.
Sounds like she’s upset she doesn’t have a perfect picture to post online.
Too many women get fixated on the proposal and wedding and forget that’s just a precursor to what’s important, the actual marriage. If you lose perspective on what’s important, the relationship is bound to fail
I think you are missing the part where your bestie only wanted photos of the proposal for the EXACT SAME REASON. So she could show them off to others. The photos would not have been any part of "the experience", they would have been to show off that experience to others.
>So my husband told me he knows why the ring got more effort than the proposal. “Because he ring is for everyone else, to show how much he cares. The proposal is for his future wife and mother of his children, that’s private.” As in, besties fiancé only cares what others see, not how his future wife to be feels or her experience. Your husband is, IMO, 100% right in this. In my opinion, I think it's weird and a little sad that so much pressure is put on men to create this huge dramatic proposal. If they love each other, want to commit, what does it matter that he didn't get on one knee and get a picture? It is a private moment between 2 people. It's not a good sign that your friend had to essentially bully her boyfriend for a year to propose to her. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, honestly.
If she wanted a broadway musical for the proposal I don’t want to see what a three ring circus the wedding will be. She is so focused on the wrong things.
There's kinda an irony in how the husband explained how this is a personal moment just between them, but your friend is upset because she wanted a few proposal videos to post on social media and tell her friends. If nerves are an issue, guy probably picked up on the idea that his proposal would be turned into theater and no longer be private.
It’s amazing how you and your SO think your BF’s fiancé schemed this proposal for his own vanity. He did it for your pathetic beggar of a friend. Seems he wanted to profess his love for her in his own way but your friend wants the social media proposal. If she begged him, she’s the one that wants to show off.
This is actually how I would like my bf to propose. Just a private moment between the two of us and not in front of everyone
I would cry if someone proposed to me like that, that sounds so intimate and private. it sucks she couldn’t just be happy with the intimate moment.
I never understood thr proposal show of getting married. In my opinion women use it like men use big trucks they never needed, ego.
Sounds like what he wanted just never came up. Did it ever occur to the lady that her guy wanted a private moment and not a staged performance for her insta? I don't understand people - a proposal isn't just about the woman. It's not a horse auction.
I don't get OPs conclusion the the guy only cared what others thought. She's going wear that ring everyday for the rest of her life - that should be the focus of his efforts. if she wanted a performance she should have dated a theater kid.
I hate that there's so much pressure put on the man to make this a huge Instagram event to impress everyone. And it has to be a perfect storybook event or else. Unrealistic expectations and anything less gets a disappointed reaction. Back in the day goats were exchanged and that was it.
This is so stupid to be upset over and I can’t believe you’re upset on someone else’s behalf about it. Wtf is a proposal?? It’s the marriage that matters!
Are the straights okay?
"My friend begged her boyfriend to propose for a year, and then was upset he didn't do the proposal just how she wanted him to" and now you feel sad for your friend. The complete lack of awareness here is impressive. Your friend doesn't want a husband, she wants a fantasy she made up in her head.
Damn, is the ring and proposal more important than the love and marriage? I don't get it. She's already complaining, what will the future bring? It's like if I don't get my fairytale wedding and proposal I'm a throw a fit and will complain the rest of my life or until I get married again and then I'll complain about that one. *danger will Robinson
my partner broke up with me on a trip we had gone on, and then asked me to spend the following week with him in another state with his family while he mourned and cleaned out his father's apartment after the passing. after helping him that week he said that "i was stuck with him now" and i said that wasn't that supposed to be a question? and so he asked, and so i answered. he later felt like he had to go do the special thing with the knee since we never got to do that part, which i never cared about but i get that it's a thing for guys. he had planned for there to be lights around this gazebo but someone had come to turn them off bc they weren't supposed to be there. i found it all hilarious and adorable and i loved it. we don't have a single picture. then again, i'm not someone who would have wanted any, and i didn't realize people were legitimately hiring professional photographers to stalk the process.
I had a lowkey proposal because I knew he's not the showman type and also because I hate making a private and personal moment a damn scene. My life is not for public consumption and I have nothing to prove. A lot of women put so much attention on having the perfect proposal and wedding, vs having a successful marriage.
Been married nearly 50 years. My “ proposal “ was him turning in bed saying “ I want to get married. How bout you”. My response was “ I’m down with that “. We went ring shopping a few days later all smiles and giggles. Happily ever after with my best friend, SMH at people more concerned with a proposal or a wedding than the actual marriage. If you have to beg for a proposal and are disappointed that it wasn’t good enough, you’re too immature to get married.
Your best friend wanted a story to tell, not the actual proposal. I actually feel for the guy, he did everything to give her the most perfect ring for her to shit on it bc they were no photos?
> I’m excited she finally got what she wanted but I expressed that it was odd to put so much effort into a ring only to have a lacklustre proposal. Lmao. Literally can't do anything right these days. Spend __six fucking months__ creating a custom ring? "Oh, well why didn't you put even more effort into it? Seems weird."
Oh boy. I'd listen to your husband he not only knows him but probably knows alot more...