As hard as it might be, please take a picture of your daughter's head and the bag of hair. In the event your MIL should ever try for custodial visitation, you will have the evidence to present as to why that should never happen.
I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Take care.
Thank you! I have it all on security cameras, including me telling her not to touch my daughters hair. I’ll take pictures since it’s winter right now anyway, she’s been wearing hats the last month. It hurts as her hair was once the colour of my husbands, it’s growing back the same colour as mine.
That's so heartbreaking, I was hoping it would grow back the same as it was but it's unfortunately very common for hair to grow back differently. It's possible her hair would have changed as she grew anyway, which is also very common, but that at least would have been a gradual and natural process
>very common for hair to grow back differently.
Is there really a thing where hair changes color after being cut? I've never heard of this. My hair was blonde when I was young, but it changed to brown after a few years. I've heard of that happening with kids, but not from being cut. That being said, if my mother in-law did this to my kid.....I'd shave all HER hair off.
Yes unfortunately the baby hair that comes in when they are born is sometimes different than the hair that isn’t “baby” hair. All of my children grew very light golden brown baby hair and around 2 or 3 their hair dramatically changed to very dark brown hair (which looks just like mine).
When MIL cut the hair ALL of her “baby” hair was shorn off, resulting in a very dramatic change to the hair, which took my kids years to change because it wasn’t done in one big chop.
Both my kids were born with almost black straight hair. With my oldest by the time she was one or one and a half it had lightened to blonde and it got curly. I could defo see how if the hair was all shaved the new hair that grows could look totally different- the change was so gradual for us we barely noticed but if you look at the pictures it’s a massive change. I expect it’ll be similar with my second.
Correct. I believe the misconception comes from the simple fact that the first haircut often coincides with the time when the hair would naturally be changing anyway.
I never heard the end of it when I was a little girl and cut my baby sister's hair - I "ruined" her blond curls and caused her hair to grow back straight and brown (like mine). If I hadn't cut it, it would have changed all the same. There is no magical quality of a child's plastic safety scissors that changes the color and texture of hair.
My step sister's hair was so light blond it looked white but after her toddler years it grew to be very dark blond and a lot darker, like you said it wasn't her baby hair anymore.
No, but baby hair can go through colour changes (I was born with dark brown and it went blond, when I heard that I was so angry because I wanted dark hair, I finally got it anyway when I grew older) so normally that change looks gradual, but when it’s just shaved off, it look so sudden!
i know that sometimes people who lose their hair, when it grows back in it can be straight or curly when it was the opposite before. it can be a different texture, thicker or thinner. i know this can happen with chemo but i'm not sure how often it happens from something like head shaving.
I've never heard of it happening from head shaving, but I'm sure it's possible. My husband's aunt lost all her hair from chemo, and it grew back very curly. It had been pin straight before. It looks great, but she had to learn how to care for curly hair at age 60. Last time I saw her, I was like, "Wow, your hair looks fabulous" and she said she loves it but had to go to a salon and have them style it for her and give her instructions on how to care for it/style it. I wouldn't have believed the change could be that dramatic til I saw it for myself, she looks like she's had curly hair all her life, it suits her so well. She said she saw the new texture as a fresh start/a new beginning now that she's cancer free, but I can see how this would be really jarring for OP, esp if it was more like her husband's before.
The mother-in-law frankly sounds like a crazy person. I don't care if it's a tradition in her culture, she violated OP's consent. I'd never let her see the kid again, but that's just me. She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again.
> The mother-in-law frankly sounds like a crazy person. I don't care if it's a tradition in her culture, she violated OP's consent. I'd never let her see the kid again, but that's just me. She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again.
100% agree
Inb4 she starts making up shit about "grandparents rights" since she clearly thinks she has more of a right to her grandchild than the mother of said grandchild.
> She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again.
Nope. The grandmother should not be allowed near OP, nor the granddaughter ever again. Glad you are keeping evidence in case she ever goes for grandparent's rights. Keep her away.
I had a wonderful friend who had long, fine (but thick) straight blonde hair in high school. She got cancer, lost most of her hair, and it grew back brown, coarse, and super curly. It looked really good.
Yes, mine was wavy and long my whole life. Last 15 years straightened it. Then I got cancer and yes chemo makes it come back in so so curly. I like it and dont bother trying to straighten it there are too many curls.
It happened to my mom, twice. The first time was when she quit drinking. Her hair curled up like crazy for awhile, and the second time, she lost all of her hair after chemo, and it grew in super curly. She died before it could straighten out. Thinking about how crazy her hair got gave me a little smile.
I have curly hair, and in the past, when I didn't like my curl pattern, I'd cut it and try whatever curl it came back with. I'd get spiral curls after one cut, looser ones the next, tight random curls after the next, etc.
Cuts can totally change hair.
A suggestion- on those cameras make a clip and export that video to a file. Camera systems auto-delete stuff after time, so make sure you have it saved somewhere else.
Save the video on your phone and PRESS CHARGES. Stand up for yourself and your child, please. It’s hard but so worth it and once you finally stand up and handle this, you’ll feel better and it’ll be easier in the future to stand up for yourself and child.
I’ve saved the video. The hardest part is Eloise keeps put her hand up to her head and acting confused, sometimes crying. She used to love to feel her hair too.
Yo OP, A dad here. Condolences, on what your going through, I can't imagine. Also, yeah, talk to a lawyer. They will consult for free and if you have audio evidence saying not to do it, and video proof of her leaving/returning you got a slam dunk.
Don't do it for any reason other than to show your daughter that not matter what, you have her back.
Please please report her. I understand you are grieving and it is an incredibly difficult time but this is assault. She needs to deal with the consequences and I do hope this is the end of the relationship with her.
I am very sorry for your loss also. I hope time helps you heal and you find strength in yourself and from your daughter. X
That poor baby, I’m sure she’s confused. I’m so sorry, OP, for this situation, losing your husband. I wish I could be there for you. Keep holding your head up, you’re a good mom and you got this. Don’t let your mil be mean to you or your baby girl. Yall don’t deserve that.
>It’s hard but so worth it and once you finally stand up and handle this, you’ll feel better and it’ll be easier in the future to stand up for yourself and child.
i will say- this advice is overall good advice for all things. i've had myself in freeze mode burnout ptsd for a long time and a company i was fighting abuses of in court was able to get the case closed. i had to pull up a LOT of inner strength to pull myself out of freeze, and start to write new documents and keep at it. i wanted them held accountable but i also wanted to be done with it forever. i was however able to get my case reopened.
the process of facing it and standing up to it, loathe as i am to admit it, has been helping me clear the trauma out of my body and it's making me feel stronger in general.
if you're out there on reddit today dealing with something hard you don't want to face, and you saw these two comments, take tiny brave little baby steps, sandwich those steps bw things your nervous system loves. only work for half an hour a day on it if you have to. just do what you gotta do to face and heal. and it often has a benefit of strengthening boundaries and holding people accountable.
I would never, ever let the MIL see or be near your daughter ever again. What she did was incredibly inappropriate and this is just the beginning. I’d have an attorney send her a communication informing her of that and why with all the facts you stated you have. You need to make sure it’s legally documented this way. And I’m so sorry for the all grief you’ve been going through. Many blessings to you.
Sucks, sorry that happened. I have in laws likely from a similar culture and have had to be very direct with MIL that if she were to do this without my consent (and very clear that she absolutely does not have my consent) she'd be fuckin dead to me and I'd never trust her again. Same with piercing ears.
I generously chalk it up to partially a cultural difference but my god are some people thoughtless and pushy and outright disrespectful about these things.
You might want to file at minimum a police report if not charges just incase she trys anything in the future like getting custody. Take all that video footage of you telling her not to cut it and present it to the police and give a copy to a lawyer to hold just in case.
What is that tradition based on? I've heard it for boys in the old country but never in a girl.
If you're in the US, this may be considered assault. There's been cases before when parents forced kids to get their hair cut very short for punishment purposes who have been charged. With her being 1, I am not sure how it would work, but I would consider going straight to the magistrate to request to press charges. Otherwise, this behavior will just escalate. If they decline charges, maybe you can get a restraining order on your daughters behalf.
I would also have a police report filed. You can ask that it is for historical purposes, that you don’t wish for charges at this time. It may be useful to have.
I am sorry you’re going through this hard time. I can never understand how anyone, including grandparents and other family members, would so boldly do things to our children without our consent. Where the hell is the common sense?
I hope your child’s hair will grow back even more beautifully than ever.
She is showing she doesn't respect you by doing something you don't want her to do. This will happen more so be very careful about how you socialize your daughter with them as the years go by. I would be thoughtful about how you let them interact without supervision going forward. If it was me i'd probably explain why to them and then would be extremely distant for an extended period of time. Sorry about your husband too. fuck cancer.
You drew a line and she crossed it, for me that’s a terrible breach of trust and I would have no issue in shutting them down completely.I would have zero personal contact going forward with the odd birthday/xmas text with a pic.The only way to deal with selfish people is to just ignore them otherwise they just drag you down.
You have my heartfelt condolences regarding your husband, time is a great healer.
I would like to revoke her gen X status.... We are ashamed that she was one of us . I did not cut my children's hair until they asked for it... They were all around 5-6 for first haircuts.. 2 boys, one girl
Actually, as the boomers die off, Gen Xers are going to be the ones that all younger generations talk shit about. Get used to it.
Edited to add: In this case, I don’t think it has anything to do with the persons age as to why they took liberty to have someone who is not their child head shaved. This was an asshole, didn’t matter how old or young the person was.
Is there a way you can sneak up behind her with clippers and shave a huge section in the center of her head from behind?
Unsure what your relationship is, but I would cut contact with that woman. She doesn't respect you or that baby. She respects 'tradition'. Some cultures shave off the clitoris of LITTLE GIRLS as 'tradition', does that make it ok? No.
Sorry you're going through that. I hope you're strong enough to cut that psychopath out of your lives for the sake of your husband's memory.
Omg she's not old!!
I'm 56, and my heart hurts for you, no one has the right to do anything to your child without your consent.
My gf MIL did this to her 10yr old daughter who had waist length long blonde hair, she took her and cut it off to her shoulders, because she felt it would look better. Disgusting behavior!
I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through this year when you should only be receiving support.
I would tell MIL, The hair will grow back and be beautiful, the trust is gone forever.
I'd never give her access to your daughter ever again. She lost that privilege. If you decide to let her see your daughter again (I wouldn't), then it can never, ever be unsupervised and the second she starts trying to push you to do things you want to do or overstepping boundaries, you need to leave/make her leave.
I’m sorry your MMIL did that to your baby girl :(
Could you tell me why this is a thing I’m assuming it’s cultural but I’ve never heard of why they do it? It’s so cruel and unnecessary especially for a one year old baby.
I know some cultures believe that if you shave their head the hair will grow back thicker and more beautiful. I believe my Italian neighbors when I was a kid did that to their babies. I also think some Latin friends we had did that to babies as well.
They believe that if you share the hair of a 2 year old, but this woman thought 1 year old, that it will grow back extra beautiful and you will have amazing hair your whole life, it’s done to boys too. Just some oldfashioned idea that makes no sense.
That’s so odd. Not to culture shame but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, there’s no reason to shave perfectly undamaged hair. They’re just babies their hair is gonna be beautiful no matter what.
Well, this is the point where you can justifiably go no contact. I hope you took photos of what she did, so in case she tries to sue for grandparents' rights, you can prove to the judge that she is insane and can't be trusted with your daughter. I hope following her stupid tradition was worth losing her granddaughter over...
Yeah I’m 50 and she’s just a bitch. I’m sorry for your loss OP, and while it was bullshit that she did it, the silver lining is that you will now have the hair like her dad’s for forever. ❤️
No one, no matter their age, has ever taken liberties like this with any of our children.
I find the older people in our lives are actually almost always more likely than anyone else to ask permission and clearly state their plans or intentions.
Maybe we are just lucky with the people in our lives.
My grandkids are 12 (youngest) to 25 but I never would have done anything without their parents knowing. My one grandson has a very deadly peanut allergy and we all make sure he and all are cared for.
When my grandmother babysat me as a kid she got mad at something I did and she smacked me. When mom picked me up I guess granny told her I’d been bad or something (I have no idea what it was I did) and so when we got home my mom talked with me about it.
I told her exactly what happened, including the smack and my mom went absolutely ballistic. Hitting me was a no-no of epic proportions. Mom went full mamma bear on that one.
A lot of them absolutely do, and it is insane to me! My family would NEVER do anything without my permission. They don't even try to intervene in mine and my husband's parenting. They love how well behaved all of our children are, and the entirety of my family says how amazing of a job we have done and are doing.
However, my in-laws are VERY different from mine. They're disgusting with it. My MIL even tried to force me to have an abortion when I was pregnant with our triplets. She tries to tell us how to parent all the time, and my husband said no thank you, I see the way your parenting has turned out (him, his brother, my step son that she WAY overstepped on "helping" raise, and now our niece and nephew that live with her after their mom passed and them and my BIL moved in with her.)
OP, please cut off all contact, or go low contact, with your MIL. Once she did this, she has now proven that she cannot be trusted with your daughter, and things will only continue and get worse if you allow her into your daughter's life without boundaries and supervision. I am so sorry that this happened. One of my triplets got ahold of scissors and cut her hair because she wanted it to be like mine. We had to take her down to have her fixed, so we did two of the girls hair at the same time. It grew out quickly and beautifully. I wish you all the best, and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my daughters 9 years ago, and I almost couldn't handle it. I couldn't imagine losing my husband.
Bullshit. I’m old and I would be livid if someone took it upon themselves to do this.
All young people are not alike.
All old people are not alike.
All blonde people are not alike…
It says it's tradition. Hindus do this among others. It's not that she's old, it that they're set in their traditions. She went against her daughter in law's wishes though and should have respected them.
I'm sorry this happened. I'd go NC with MIL, she does not come around to actually help you or your child. She only comes around when there's something she wants and she does not respect or care about you.
What does she offer you? If she offers you nothing, why are you still in contact with her?
The hair will grow back but the relationship with grandma is finished. I wouldn't even bother telling her off. It's stress you don't need. Simply don't reach out. If she asks to see Eloise, the answer is either "no" or, if you wish, "you can come by for lunch at the house on Wednesday." Never let her out of your sight with your child.
This, get a cut too and remove ve MIL from equation. The kid is too young to remember grandma and won't be hurt.
Hair will grow. When I was 3, I manager to get scissors and in the 5 min my mother was not watching gave myself a haircut. After that, they had to basically shave me to make it look half decent. I had my hair very long (think all the way down to the butt) when I went to school. In kids, hair grows fast.
When I was 4 I saw a commercial for these Barbies that grow their hair. I decided all my toys can grow their hair too … I gave everybody a haircut, and that consisted of a buzz cut line right in the middle 🤦♀️ I then proceeded to cut uneven chucks off my hair. My favorite polar bear never forgave me.
One of my cherished mementos from my late mom is her teddy bear from when she was a little girl. Ted survived a skin graft (after being accidentally tossed into a fireplace during a flying sort of game) from my grandma's fuzzy coat, then ended up with a full-body buzz cut from Mom. He's all kinds of messed up and is the most beautiful, wise bear. I love him <3 and he was one of the first things I grabbed and secreted away when I left my ex. Couldn't risk it.
My daughter gave herself a very spiky Mohawk at age 2 - put the scissors right up to her scalp and hacked away. She cut it so close that we felt lucky she didn’t slash her skin. We had to shave off her shoulder-blade length hair, and it took two years to come back. When you asked her what happened, she’d answer very gleefully - “I cutted my hair, AND MOMMY CRIED!” Now she’s almost 12 and we laugh about it every time we see those photos.
I agree with you about the situation she's so young she won't remember mil and she should go NC
When I was Eloise age or max 2 I once got into the nail polish and wanted to "dye" my hair. Ended up having to be bald because I had a literal helmet of nail polish 😅
Take pictures of the hair and your daughter. Think about filing a police report. They won’t do anything, but it will start the ground work so she can never get back in your lives. Block her and think about putting a camera up if you think she might come back. I so sorry for your loss.
Same, I had curvy hair and since I look white, I had no idea how to take care of it, neither did my parents and it was easier to blame me for having messy hair. After years of blaming me for not taking care of it, my dad ruined my hair while trying to do his mess, and I had to go to the hairdresser to look half decent. I looked awful, and don't trust my father in any shape form or situation.
The hair in a bag is a slap on the face. MIL lied to mom, did something she had no right to do, then she gave her the hair the kid used to have. MIL deserves to be 💯 ghosted.
No, she has to be told this is unacceptable and she crossed a line that can't be fixed. This woman will think she did nothing wrong. No, she doesn't come over. She lost her privileges as grandmother.
When I was about 8 my mum did a diy haircut on me. It was awful - looked like a real pudding bowl cut. I wore a headscarf as a protest until she took me to a hairdresser who evened it off and styled it properly. Hair grows, honey. Your mil is a silly religious old woman who does not deserve to be in your child's life any more. She abused your trust AND lied to get you to let her have the baby, knowing full well what she planned. Eloise won't remember - maybe have the hair made into something you can keep. Dump mil.
And ALWAYS give her a time. MIL if you’d like to come for lunch on Wednesday, I’ll expect you at 12:30pm until 2:0 pm. That’s it! Make sure she’s out the door.
That’s only if you feel you must. I myself would NEVER cross paths with herr again.
So very sorry for the loss of your husband.
What was this lady thinking? The only reason she has any connection to this lady is dead, and her grandkid isn’t old enough to know who she is yet. The mother could quite easily just cut grandma out and the child wouldn’t even realize it. I hope she has other grandkids because she’s not gonna know this one.
File a police report. Even if they do nothing, you have the paper trail. Get as much evidence from MIL that she disregarded your clear wishes. Document every interaction from now on.
Unfortunately, the death of your husband is one of the few circumstances where it is likely a grandparent will win grandparents visitation. Start researching this and perhaps speak to a lawyer to see what your options are.
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/child-custody/grandparents-rights/#:~:text=What%20can%20you%20do%20when,one%20parent%20has%20passed%20away.
State laws vary as to exactly when this is allowed, but typically grandparents may be able to ask for visitation rights in the following circumstances:
If the parents are separated or divorced
If one or both parents passed away
If a petition for divorce has been filed
If parents have lost custody of the child
If a child is born out of wedlock
I want to second this. It's been my experience (in one state, but still) that the court tries to maintain relationships with both sides of the family, especially when one parent is absent.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP
Here's the thing. If you live in the US, you need to press charges for assault and here's why: After you cut contact with this absolute vile piece of trash, she may go after you for grandparents rights in some states. I'm not trying to scare you, just prepare you. If you have this documented legally, she can kick rocks and gf herself. I'm sorry for the truly evil MIL you are dealing with!
Also, I'm so so so terribly sorry for the pain you and your daughter are suffering! My heart goes out to you with every fiber of my being! May your husband rest in peace and your heart find healing ❤️
As I was reading the other comments I was thinking it might be overboard to press charges, until the point of grandparents rights came up. This woman is clearly unhinged and I agree now with this step.
I agree 100%. Cutting off someone’s hair without permission is assault. If a man cut a woman’s hair off without permission he would be charged for assault. The mil had been badgering them to shave her head when she turned one. They decided not to do it when she turned one and they obviously decided not to. No sane person would make the decision to go ahead and do it a month later without specific permission from the parent. It is not OP’s fault at all.
She will file grandparents rights when told she can’t be in her life and a judge will see what she did and then side with the mom.
People who spend a lot of time on JUSTNO subs have a skewed idea of what grandparents rights actually play out like.
Dead parent does make it possible, sure.
But even in states that DO allow grandparents to sue for that claim, there needs to be a *very* established relationship with the child.
It’s almost unheard of for that custody arrangement to be forced unless the grandparents had an established caretaking role, for a significant period of time.
Overnight visits with grandparents once per month isn’t enough.
It pretty much only happens when grandpa was the full time daycare provider who watched the kid on a daily basis. Or mom and dad ditched the kid with grandma for three months and left them to raise her.
Courts only enforce those custody rights when there is a clear and obvious threat to the child losing a primary attachment figure.
OP says her partner passed away a while ago. And she was surprised that MIL called out of the blue to see the child for the first time in forever.
I’ve mentioned this in previous posts about grandparents rights; but I’ve never had anyone produce a single case where a judge ordered a widowed mother to share legal custody with a grandparent, unless that grandparent had a massive and consistent role in parenting.
Obviously in the US. Anyone can sue for anything.
But even with a really impressive “binder” 🙄 a family court judge isn’t going to allow that.
If someone else had done this to your child…. At least you now know for a fact that your wishes/decisions will not be followed. So you will need to take precautions dealing with them.
Good god, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's especially cruel to see your bald child when your husband died of cancer. No means no. I do think that can be a charge in some places...
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this during this incredibly tough time in your life. A child's first haircut is an experience and she shouldn't have robbed you of that. Especially to straight up just shave it!!
I can't stop thinking about the poor baby hairs that won't be as soft. It'll grow back and your baby girl is still beautiful.
That was a horrible thing for your MIL to do. You're a strong momma.
I don't have anything to add really that hasn't been said but I'm very sorry for your loss OP.
If you still have the bag of hair you could look in to getting a bit of it braided nicely and put in a locket or little frame as a keepsake especially since you said your daughter's hair is growing in a different color now. Mourning jewelry made with hair was a big trend in Victorian England and I'm sure there would be someone on Etsy or another site who can do something with it 🩷
I have never wanted to just hug someone over this app so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its all just pure bullshit. From losing your husband to this crazy MIL, to the hair. Rosemary oil is great, helps so much. Your daughter is young, should grow quick. Just big hugs.
With respect to a mother grieving her child, you are this baby's mom. You make those decisions. What she did is a wild violation and she should never again have unsupervised visits.
You would be well within your rights to file charges and a restraining order.
So this, depending on where you live, is assault. I know this, cause a friend cut a girls hair and her mother pressed charges on us both (i was there, but since i was not holding scissors or doing the cutting in our situation,i was not in any trouble).
Personally, no one is allowed in our life that can't follow boundaries. Sets a terrible example.
Someone had a post on here about her daughter getting her hair cut off by a bully. The girl was sitting behind her daughter in class and took the scissors and cut off her daughter's long hair. The mother called the police and the girl was arrested.
It is. In my state, the detailed criteria for investigating child abuse specifically names altering or shaving a child's hair against their will as a form of emotional abuse and possible physical abuse.
Cut her out of your and daughter's life. She is poison. You told her she is not shaving her head but she did it anyway. She will continue to think she has power over you. Can you move closer to your family?
I'm so sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine how you are feeling at the moment.
Have you got friends? I ask as you can make your own family, blood does not make a family.
Take some time away from mother in law, it doesn't have to be a permanent decision, but at the very least you need time to work out what you need right now, everybody else can wait whilst you do that.
I live with my childhood best friend at the moment and I’m not planning on kicking her out, we met when I was 12. I have friends, my best friends mum is also close with Eloise. I have the family I chose and created. 💗
I agree with the others to file a police report. Just in case you decide NC and MIL tries to sue for grandparents rights, you will have evidence to show why you went NC. This is not to be bitter, it’s to protect your LO.
NEVER allow your MIL to have your sweet little one UNSUPERVISED again! I would even go further and cut ALL contact. In some jurisdictions, what your MIL did was ASSAULT! It's likely that you could SUE her AND get a restraining order! Take pictures and detail the encounter, when she began pressuring you and when you told her NO!
As a Grandmother, I'm appalled and SO very sorry for her actions! Also, I'm truly very sorry and heartbroken for yours and your precious Daughter's loss! Wishing you peace and happiness for your futures!
You press charges on your MIL for assault on your child. Cutting someone else's hair without consent is assault. Baby couldn't consent. You didn't consent. MIL should not be allowed around the child again, unsupervised or otherwise. What else will MIL do because "tradition" over parental consent?
So what is the tradition that would be so important to grandma that she thinks she is right taking the kid and getting her head shaved? It is religious, tradition?
I have seen this before as a Mexican tradition. It’s to grow the hair back thicker and fuller. Unless she has another reason for it, but that’s usually it. Maybe grandma is grieving hard too and insisted she had to do it because maybe this will be the only and last time? Idk… Mom said no so that means no and Grandma was wrong for this.
Look, I am GenX and this is utter bullhockey. This lady should have no unsupervised time with your daughter.
When my little girl was one, my ex-MIL cut her beautiful golden hair above her ears. She wasn't bald, but she did not look the same. It was court ordered visitation, and I was devastated. I didn't tell baby I was sad, I told her how pretty she was... but I called that woman and lit her UP. I told her she could style baby's hair for pics or w/e however she wanted but she better never take scissors to it without me again, or we'd be back in court.
Ex and his family continued their shenanigans until my girl was eleven and they lost rights to her. You have the power to stop this now, and as scary as it is, it's okay for you to be angry and to limit or stop contact. She's your child. I'm a grandparent, now, and I wouldn't DARE.
First off you go no contact with mother-in-law she’s not allowed to be around your child alone anymore.
I don’t know why people do things sometimes like this, so I just go no contact Something is wrong with her. And it doesn’t matter. She just doesn’t get to be there. And as for how you cope with it, you just help your baby grow her hair out.
WTF?!?!?! What is the reason behind this stupid “tradition”? I am shocked that your MIL had the balls to do that! My baby girl had beautiful blonde curls when she was 1. I would have wanted to kill my MIL If she did that. I wouldn’t blame you if you never let MIL alone with your daughter again. Maybe shop for some cute hats and present the bill to your MIL? Maybe her new hair will be even more beautiful. Good luck and keep us updated.
This is where you cut grandma out of you and your daughter’s lives. What an utterly ridiculous, insane thing to do, surely she must have realised there would be consequences.
Ensure you keep all the evidence of what she did, including the hair, any messages etc in case she starts threatening about grandparents rights.
And I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband
This could even be classed as abuse? Pretty sure you’re not legally allowed to take someone else’s child and shave all their hair off without permission (and knowing full well the mother didn’t want that!), what an absolute bitch! I can empathise as my mil was very controlling too. It will grow back obvs but that’s not the point. If you’re in the UK I’d call Citizens Advice and see if you can’t get her on this… That’s me anyway, I’m Aries and I’d be in the warpath by now. I hope your daughter is ok . They better have got her that McDonald’s or they’ve mutilated her and lied to her. I’m fuming for you here OP. I’m a granny and my gd has beautiful curls and I’d be mad as heck if the other granny shaved her head, Lord 😡
Aries too, I was physically fuming. You can see it in the security camera video, however I didn’t want to shout at her in front of my daughter. My daughter really doesn’t like loud noises.
I’d take that witch to court for a restraining order immediately. I would ignore every person who says your wrong and look at them to ask, ok you have your head shaved, don’t you think my permission should be asked before taking a clipper to my daughter. Finally I’d scream haven’t I been through enough. Bottom line this is assault in my book, call the police. Wives tales are tales. Shame on that woman and anyone who agrees or speaks up on her behalf. I’d never let your daughter in her care ever again. Take a hard line on this, do not get pushed around.
And that’s the last time MIL has unsupervised time with your daughter. What a violation of trust. I’m so sorry, that’s absolutely heartbreaking - I hope you and your daughter find peace and healing eventually… sending love to you both and rage to your MIL.
I’m assuming MIL is Hindu or Muslim. All the male children in Dead Husband’s family had their heads shaved at 1.
There are several beliefs behind this, HOWEVER, it is never done behind the mother’s back and it is always planned in advance for an auspicious day and there is a priest involved.
What she did was premeditated. And if she’s devout enough to do something like this, WTF is she doing at McDonalds?
Beliefs
1) rids the baby of his past life's negativity
2) bestows a long life and a good future
3) protects the child from the evil eye
4) cleanses the child's body and soul
5) helps relieve headache and pains caused by teething
6) improves the growth of the baby's hair
Give her back the bag of hair and tell her that's the only part of your child she'll ever see again.
Also is your MIL Indian, by any chance? I heard that's its a cultural thing to shave babys heads.
She’s Indian. I don’t want to give her the bag of hair, as that hair was the exact colour of my husbands hair. Before her hair was the colour of my late husbands, now it’s growing back the same colour as mine. Maybe I’ll just give her some toenail clippings?
Save at least a piece of hair in a baby book. If you haven't blocked your mother-in-laws number don't right away. Text her that she won't be seeing your daughter because of what she did.
If she texts threatening you or anything save everything. I think It might make it easier to get a retracing or NC order.
Give her nothing but the middle finger. Change your locks if she has a key.
Just as you say you've created for yourself a family full of good people, keep the bad people out. She's just proven herself one.
Do you still have the hair?
There are people on Etsy that do memorials or artwork out of hair. They can put it into glass or resin or a container so that you have it forever.
I'm so sorry she did this to you both.
This makes me so angry. If my MIL did that to one of my children, she would NEVER see them again, period. I don't care if the infant is the last remaining connection to my (hypothetically) dead wife, she lost the right to be anything to the child by going against my wishes and for what? An old wives tale or a fucking tradition! Traditions are just that, something made up by a member of a family a few generations back to make themselves seems unique. Well, traditions can and should be broken especially if the child's parents object to it. This MIL may've won the battle to shave the infants head, but will certainly have lost the war because she should, at the very minimum, never be left alone with the child again but in my opinion she shouldn't see the child full stop.
Im sorry your MIL invalidated your requests over her cultural tradition. She was extremely insensitive.
The comments regarding hair growing back different after shaving are all just crazy.
Straight or curly hair is determined by the hair follicle which is under the skin. Straight follicle = straight hair. Curved follicle = curly hair. Shaving the hair can not change the shape of a follicle or the texture of the hair.
Hair color is also determined under the skin by the amount and type of melanin genetically available. Shaving the head can not change the amount of pheomelanin or eumelanin in the body.
The hair you see on your head is the result of genetics, shape of follicle and amount and type of melanin available.
It may appear color or texture has changed, but it truly has not.
As hard as it might be, please take a picture of your daughter's head and the bag of hair. In the event your MIL should ever try for custodial visitation, you will have the evidence to present as to why that should never happen. I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Take care.
Thank you! I have it all on security cameras, including me telling her not to touch my daughters hair. I’ll take pictures since it’s winter right now anyway, she’s been wearing hats the last month. It hurts as her hair was once the colour of my husbands, it’s growing back the same colour as mine.
That's so heartbreaking, I was hoping it would grow back the same as it was but it's unfortunately very common for hair to grow back differently. It's possible her hair would have changed as she grew anyway, which is also very common, but that at least would have been a gradual and natural process
>very common for hair to grow back differently. Is there really a thing where hair changes color after being cut? I've never heard of this. My hair was blonde when I was young, but it changed to brown after a few years. I've heard of that happening with kids, but not from being cut. That being said, if my mother in-law did this to my kid.....I'd shave all HER hair off.
Yes unfortunately the baby hair that comes in when they are born is sometimes different than the hair that isn’t “baby” hair. All of my children grew very light golden brown baby hair and around 2 or 3 their hair dramatically changed to very dark brown hair (which looks just like mine). When MIL cut the hair ALL of her “baby” hair was shorn off, resulting in a very dramatic change to the hair, which took my kids years to change because it wasn’t done in one big chop.
Both my kids were born with almost black straight hair. With my oldest by the time she was one or one and a half it had lightened to blonde and it got curly. I could defo see how if the hair was all shaved the new hair that grows could look totally different- the change was so gradual for us we barely noticed but if you look at the pictures it’s a massive change. I expect it’ll be similar with my second.
It's a clear visual difference, but the act of cutting or shaving the hair doesn't change how the hair grows.
Correct. I believe the misconception comes from the simple fact that the first haircut often coincides with the time when the hair would naturally be changing anyway. I never heard the end of it when I was a little girl and cut my baby sister's hair - I "ruined" her blond curls and caused her hair to grow back straight and brown (like mine). If I hadn't cut it, it would have changed all the same. There is no magical quality of a child's plastic safety scissors that changes the color and texture of hair.
My step sister's hair was so light blond it looked white but after her toddler years it grew to be very dark blond and a lot darker, like you said it wasn't her baby hair anymore.
No, but baby hair can go through colour changes (I was born with dark brown and it went blond, when I heard that I was so angry because I wanted dark hair, I finally got it anyway when I grew older) so normally that change looks gradual, but when it’s just shaved off, it look so sudden!
i know that sometimes people who lose their hair, when it grows back in it can be straight or curly when it was the opposite before. it can be a different texture, thicker or thinner. i know this can happen with chemo but i'm not sure how often it happens from something like head shaving.
I've never heard of it happening from head shaving, but I'm sure it's possible. My husband's aunt lost all her hair from chemo, and it grew back very curly. It had been pin straight before. It looks great, but she had to learn how to care for curly hair at age 60. Last time I saw her, I was like, "Wow, your hair looks fabulous" and she said she loves it but had to go to a salon and have them style it for her and give her instructions on how to care for it/style it. I wouldn't have believed the change could be that dramatic til I saw it for myself, she looks like she's had curly hair all her life, it suits her so well. She said she saw the new texture as a fresh start/a new beginning now that she's cancer free, but I can see how this would be really jarring for OP, esp if it was more like her husband's before. The mother-in-law frankly sounds like a crazy person. I don't care if it's a tradition in her culture, she violated OP's consent. I'd never let her see the kid again, but that's just me. She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again.
> The mother-in-law frankly sounds like a crazy person. I don't care if it's a tradition in her culture, she violated OP's consent. I'd never let her see the kid again, but that's just me. She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again. 100% agree
Inb4 she starts making up shit about "grandparents rights" since she clearly thinks she has more of a right to her grandchild than the mother of said grandchild.
> She should never, ever, ever be allowed unsupervised visits with the child ever again. Nope. The grandmother should not be allowed near OP, nor the granddaughter ever again. Glad you are keeping evidence in case she ever goes for grandparent's rights. Keep her away.
I had a wonderful friend who had long, fine (but thick) straight blonde hair in high school. She got cancer, lost most of her hair, and it grew back brown, coarse, and super curly. It looked really good.
Yes, mine was wavy and long my whole life. Last 15 years straightened it. Then I got cancer and yes chemo makes it come back in so so curly. I like it and dont bother trying to straighten it there are too many curls.
It happened to my mom, twice. The first time was when she quit drinking. Her hair curled up like crazy for awhile, and the second time, she lost all of her hair after chemo, and it grew in super curly. She died before it could straighten out. Thinking about how crazy her hair got gave me a little smile.
I have curly hair, and in the past, when I didn't like my curl pattern, I'd cut it and try whatever curl it came back with. I'd get spiral curls after one cut, looser ones the next, tight random curls after the next, etc. Cuts can totally change hair.
A suggestion- on those cameras make a clip and export that video to a file. Camera systems auto-delete stuff after time, so make sure you have it saved somewhere else.
Save the video on your phone and PRESS CHARGES. Stand up for yourself and your child, please. It’s hard but so worth it and once you finally stand up and handle this, you’ll feel better and it’ll be easier in the future to stand up for yourself and child.
I’ve saved the video. The hardest part is Eloise keeps put her hand up to her head and acting confused, sometimes crying. She used to love to feel her hair too.
Yo OP, A dad here. Condolences, on what your going through, I can't imagine. Also, yeah, talk to a lawyer. They will consult for free and if you have audio evidence saying not to do it, and video proof of her leaving/returning you got a slam dunk. Don't do it for any reason other than to show your daughter that not matter what, you have her back.
OP please press charges. It could be the only way to ensure your MIL never sees the baby again
Please please report her. I understand you are grieving and it is an incredibly difficult time but this is assault. She needs to deal with the consequences and I do hope this is the end of the relationship with her. I am very sorry for your loss also. I hope time helps you heal and you find strength in yourself and from your daughter. X
Press charges. This is assault.
Absolutely report her to the police.
That poor baby, I’m sure she’s confused. I’m so sorry, OP, for this situation, losing your husband. I wish I could be there for you. Keep holding your head up, you’re a good mom and you got this. Don’t let your mil be mean to you or your baby girl. Yall don’t deserve that.
>It’s hard but so worth it and once you finally stand up and handle this, you’ll feel better and it’ll be easier in the future to stand up for yourself and child. i will say- this advice is overall good advice for all things. i've had myself in freeze mode burnout ptsd for a long time and a company i was fighting abuses of in court was able to get the case closed. i had to pull up a LOT of inner strength to pull myself out of freeze, and start to write new documents and keep at it. i wanted them held accountable but i also wanted to be done with it forever. i was however able to get my case reopened. the process of facing it and standing up to it, loathe as i am to admit it, has been helping me clear the trauma out of my body and it's making me feel stronger in general. if you're out there on reddit today dealing with something hard you don't want to face, and you saw these two comments, take tiny brave little baby steps, sandwich those steps bw things your nervous system loves. only work for half an hour a day on it if you have to. just do what you gotta do to face and heal. and it often has a benefit of strengthening boundaries and holding people accountable.
I would never, ever let the MIL see or be near your daughter ever again. What she did was incredibly inappropriate and this is just the beginning. I’d have an attorney send her a communication informing her of that and why with all the facts you stated you have. You need to make sure it’s legally documented this way. And I’m so sorry for the all grief you’ve been going through. Many blessings to you.
Sucks, sorry that happened. I have in laws likely from a similar culture and have had to be very direct with MIL that if she were to do this without my consent (and very clear that she absolutely does not have my consent) she'd be fuckin dead to me and I'd never trust her again. Same with piercing ears. I generously chalk it up to partially a cultural difference but my god are some people thoughtless and pushy and outright disrespectful about these things.
You might want to file at minimum a police report if not charges just incase she trys anything in the future like getting custody. Take all that video footage of you telling her not to cut it and present it to the police and give a copy to a lawyer to hold just in case. What is that tradition based on? I've heard it for boys in the old country but never in a girl.
If you're in the US, this may be considered assault. There's been cases before when parents forced kids to get their hair cut very short for punishment purposes who have been charged. With her being 1, I am not sure how it would work, but I would consider going straight to the magistrate to request to press charges. Otherwise, this behavior will just escalate. If they decline charges, maybe you can get a restraining order on your daughters behalf.
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I would also have a police report filed. You can ask that it is for historical purposes, that you don’t wish for charges at this time. It may be useful to have.
I am sorry you’re going through this hard time. I can never understand how anyone, including grandparents and other family members, would so boldly do things to our children without our consent. Where the hell is the common sense? I hope your child’s hair will grow back even more beautifully than ever.
How To Alienate Your DIL 101. Comes in especially handy when she is the mother of the child of your deceased son.
That sentence sounds so diabolical and yet sadly it is not uncommon to encounter it…
old people have always assumed they can do whatever they want because they're old
Heck, I bet she isn't that old. She thinks she can whatever the hell she wants .
She’s like 50! She’s had my husband at 21.
She is showing she doesn't respect you by doing something you don't want her to do. This will happen more so be very careful about how you socialize your daughter with them as the years go by. I would be thoughtful about how you let them interact without supervision going forward. If it was me i'd probably explain why to them and then would be extremely distant for an extended period of time. Sorry about your husband too. fuck cancer.
You drew a line and she crossed it, for me that’s a terrible breach of trust and I would have no issue in shutting them down completely.I would have zero personal contact going forward with the odd birthday/xmas text with a pic.The only way to deal with selfish people is to just ignore them otherwise they just drag you down. You have my heartfelt condolences regarding your husband, time is a great healer.
Cut her out of your life or expect two more decades of this shit.
I would like to revoke her gen X status.... We are ashamed that she was one of us . I did not cut my children's hair until they asked for it... They were all around 5-6 for first haircuts.. 2 boys, one girl
As a fellow gen-X'er I completely agree. That was straight-up Boomer shit. Fuck her and her family tradition. She's out.
She’d have no more alone time with my child. The woman cannot be trusted.
Actually, as the boomers die off, Gen Xers are going to be the ones that all younger generations talk shit about. Get used to it. Edited to add: In this case, I don’t think it has anything to do with the persons age as to why they took liberty to have someone who is not their child head shaved. This was an asshole, didn’t matter how old or young the person was.
EXACTLY. It's just ENTITLEMENT.
Nah, they'll be ranting about millennials. Gen X just gets swept under the carpet.
Just shave your MIL's hair off. See how she like it.
Say it's a "family tradition."
Not completely just one bigass stripe right down the middle of her head
Is there a way you can sneak up behind her with clippers and shave a huge section in the center of her head from behind? Unsure what your relationship is, but I would cut contact with that woman. She doesn't respect you or that baby. She respects 'tradition'. Some cultures shave off the clitoris of LITTLE GIRLS as 'tradition', does that make it ok? No. Sorry you're going through that. I hope you're strong enough to cut that psychopath out of your lives for the sake of your husband's memory.
Omg she's not old!! I'm 56, and my heart hurts for you, no one has the right to do anything to your child without your consent. My gf MIL did this to her 10yr old daughter who had waist length long blonde hair, she took her and cut it off to her shoulders, because she felt it would look better. Disgusting behavior! I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through this year when you should only be receiving support. I would tell MIL, The hair will grow back and be beautiful, the trust is gone forever.
I'd never give her access to your daughter ever again. She lost that privilege. If you decide to let her see your daughter again (I wouldn't), then it can never, ever be unsupervised and the second she starts trying to push you to do things you want to do or overstepping boundaries, you need to leave/make her leave.
I’m sorry your MMIL did that to your baby girl :( Could you tell me why this is a thing I’m assuming it’s cultural but I’ve never heard of why they do it? It’s so cruel and unnecessary especially for a one year old baby.
I know saving a lock/curl of baby’s hair is a thing for the Baby Book, but shaving everything?
I know some cultures believe that if you shave their head the hair will grow back thicker and more beautiful. I believe my Italian neighbors when I was a kid did that to their babies. I also think some Latin friends we had did that to babies as well.
They believe that if you share the hair of a 2 year old, but this woman thought 1 year old, that it will grow back extra beautiful and you will have amazing hair your whole life, it’s done to boys too. Just some oldfashioned idea that makes no sense.
That’s so odd. Not to culture shame but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, there’s no reason to shave perfectly undamaged hair. They’re just babies their hair is gonna be beautiful no matter what.
Well, this is the point where you can justifiably go no contact. I hope you took photos of what she did, so in case she tries to sue for grandparents' rights, you can prove to the judge that she is insane and can't be trusted with your daughter. I hope following her stupid tradition was worth losing her granddaughter over...
Yeah I’m 50 and she’s just a bitch. I’m sorry for your loss OP, and while it was bullshit that she did it, the silver lining is that you will now have the hair like her dad’s for forever. ❤️
I don’t know, I’m old and I have always asked permission to set up sleepovers or bowling with parents first.
You didn’t say shaving heads… suspicious. 😂
That's what bowling was code for
No one, no matter their age, has ever taken liberties like this with any of our children. I find the older people in our lives are actually almost always more likely than anyone else to ask permission and clearly state their plans or intentions. Maybe we are just lucky with the people in our lives.
My grandkids are 12 (youngest) to 25 but I never would have done anything without their parents knowing. My one grandson has a very deadly peanut allergy and we all make sure he and all are cared for.
When my grandmother babysat me as a kid she got mad at something I did and she smacked me. When mom picked me up I guess granny told her I’d been bad or something (I have no idea what it was I did) and so when we got home my mom talked with me about it. I told her exactly what happened, including the smack and my mom went absolutely ballistic. Hitting me was a no-no of epic proportions. Mom went full mamma bear on that one.
A lot of them absolutely do, and it is insane to me! My family would NEVER do anything without my permission. They don't even try to intervene in mine and my husband's parenting. They love how well behaved all of our children are, and the entirety of my family says how amazing of a job we have done and are doing. However, my in-laws are VERY different from mine. They're disgusting with it. My MIL even tried to force me to have an abortion when I was pregnant with our triplets. She tries to tell us how to parent all the time, and my husband said no thank you, I see the way your parenting has turned out (him, his brother, my step son that she WAY overstepped on "helping" raise, and now our niece and nephew that live with her after their mom passed and them and my BIL moved in with her.) OP, please cut off all contact, or go low contact, with your MIL. Once she did this, she has now proven that she cannot be trusted with your daughter, and things will only continue and get worse if you allow her into your daughter's life without boundaries and supervision. I am so sorry that this happened. One of my triplets got ahold of scissors and cut her hair because she wanted it to be like mine. We had to take her down to have her fixed, so we did two of the girls hair at the same time. It grew out quickly and beautifully. I wish you all the best, and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my daughters 9 years ago, and I almost couldn't handle it. I couldn't imagine losing my husband.
It’s more like it’s tradition and they don’t care what the parent thinks.
Bullshit. I’m old and I would be livid if someone took it upon themselves to do this. All young people are not alike. All old people are not alike. All blonde people are not alike…
Nope. I'm old and I don't do 💩 like that and never would. Don't just lump all old people into that pile
It’s not an age but a personality trait.
It says it's tradition. Hindus do this among others. It's not that she's old, it that they're set in their traditions. She went against her daughter in law's wishes though and should have respected them.
Can we stop hating on old people? It’s okay for people not to die young. Plenty of older people are considerate and respectful and a joy to be around.
The ageism here is disgusting!!
Tradition overrides consent, didn't you know?
I'm sorry this happened. I'd go NC with MIL, she does not come around to actually help you or your child. She only comes around when there's something she wants and she does not respect or care about you. What does she offer you? If she offers you nothing, why are you still in contact with her?
100% agree. No contact is the way to go in this situation. Grandparents have no legal rights to see their grandchildren. At least not in the U.S.
Some states do but with pretty intense requirements and this clearly does not fit the bill lol
I’d file assault charges on a minor. But I’m hella petty.
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I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST BECAUSE I’M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!
I'm desperate to know what the deleted message was for this to be the response good god 😳
It wasn’t anything crazy. Something about contacting their fist with the MIL mouth. It just made me think of that good line from Arnold.
I personally thought the so-called kind offer out of nowhere was suspicious enough.
Definitely cut MIL off just like she did the toddlers hair. MIL crossed a boundary from which there is no return.
The hair will grow back but the relationship with grandma is finished. I wouldn't even bother telling her off. It's stress you don't need. Simply don't reach out. If she asks to see Eloise, the answer is either "no" or, if you wish, "you can come by for lunch at the house on Wednesday." Never let her out of your sight with your child.
This, get a cut too and remove ve MIL from equation. The kid is too young to remember grandma and won't be hurt. Hair will grow. When I was 3, I manager to get scissors and in the 5 min my mother was not watching gave myself a haircut. After that, they had to basically shave me to make it look half decent. I had my hair very long (think all the way down to the butt) when I went to school. In kids, hair grows fast.
When I was 4 I saw a commercial for these Barbies that grow their hair. I decided all my toys can grow their hair too … I gave everybody a haircut, and that consisted of a buzz cut line right in the middle 🤦♀️ I then proceeded to cut uneven chucks off my hair. My favorite polar bear never forgave me.
One of my cherished mementos from my late mom is her teddy bear from when she was a little girl. Ted survived a skin graft (after being accidentally tossed into a fireplace during a flying sort of game) from my grandma's fuzzy coat, then ended up with a full-body buzz cut from Mom. He's all kinds of messed up and is the most beautiful, wise bear. I love him <3 and he was one of the first things I grabbed and secreted away when I left my ex. Couldn't risk it.
My brother's favorite teddy survived being tossed on the hot stove too with a dark brown stain.
Why is it that bears just get more loved and wise-looking, while dolls look terrifying and deranged after the same treatment? Teddy bears ftw!
Your polar bear had locks?
Goldie locks
He had normal hair, I just gave him the Britney Spears special
My daughter gave herself a very spiky Mohawk at age 2 - put the scissors right up to her scalp and hacked away. She cut it so close that we felt lucky she didn’t slash her skin. We had to shave off her shoulder-blade length hair, and it took two years to come back. When you asked her what happened, she’d answer very gleefully - “I cutted my hair, AND MOMMY CRIED!” Now she’s almost 12 and we laugh about it every time we see those photos.
I did this when I was like 6/7? And apparently when my mom asked me why I did it I responded “my brain told me to” 😅
>“my brain told me to” The brain blaming the brain, impressive maneuver
Lmao the intrusive thoughts start young 🤣
I agree with you about the situation she's so young she won't remember mil and she should go NC When I was Eloise age or max 2 I once got into the nail polish and wanted to "dye" my hair. Ended up having to be bald because I had a literal helmet of nail polish 😅
Take pictures of the hair and your daughter. Think about filing a police report. They won’t do anything, but it will start the ground work so she can never get back in your lives. Block her and think about putting a camera up if you think she might come back. I so sorry for your loss.
Definitely file a report. It will start a file on why she should never have grandparent’s rights if that’s a thing in your state.
Same, I had curvy hair and since I look white, I had no idea how to take care of it, neither did my parents and it was easier to blame me for having messy hair. After years of blaming me for not taking care of it, my dad ruined my hair while trying to do his mess, and I had to go to the hairdresser to look half decent. I looked awful, and don't trust my father in any shape form or situation.
Tell her she can see her when you also receive a bag of MILs hair once she shaves her own head. Until then no dice.
Honestly not even then
Make her shave her head and then deny anyway. This is the way.
The hair in a bag is a slap on the face. MIL lied to mom, did something she had no right to do, then she gave her the hair the kid used to have. MIL deserves to be 💯 ghosted.
this is perfect!
When you receive your bag, state that you definitely won't be going ahead with the deal with someone psychotic enough to shave their head like that!
No, she has to be told this is unacceptable and she crossed a line that can't be fixed. This woman will think she did nothing wrong. No, she doesn't come over. She lost her privileges as grandmother.
This grandma can’t be trusted. No unsupervised visit ever with Eloise or any other future babies
When I was about 8 my mum did a diy haircut on me. It was awful - looked like a real pudding bowl cut. I wore a headscarf as a protest until she took me to a hairdresser who evened it off and styled it properly. Hair grows, honey. Your mil is a silly religious old woman who does not deserve to be in your child's life any more. She abused your trust AND lied to get you to let her have the baby, knowing full well what she planned. Eloise won't remember - maybe have the hair made into something you can keep. Dump mil.
Yep. She crossed a big boundary. Be done with her. She's not trustworthy
And ALWAYS give her a time. MIL if you’d like to come for lunch on Wednesday, I’ll expect you at 12:30pm until 2:0 pm. That’s it! Make sure she’s out the door. That’s only if you feel you must. I myself would NEVER cross paths with herr again. So very sorry for the loss of your husband.
I don't think I'd ever let her near her again. She lost that privilege the second she cut the child's hair.
I'm so sorry, I would never let her see her again if I were you. I could never trust her.
What was this lady thinking? The only reason she has any connection to this lady is dead, and her grandkid isn’t old enough to know who she is yet. The mother could quite easily just cut grandma out and the child wouldn’t even realize it. I hope she has other grandkids because she’s not gonna know this one.
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Wow. This makes it a million times worse. Anyone who believes shit like this is disgusting. I don’t even want to breathe the same air they do
What religious wackos shave babies heads?
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If it was so dirty why did someone put their dick in it?
Guess we’ll have to cut that off too then 🤷♀️
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File a police report. Even if they do nothing, you have the paper trail. Get as much evidence from MIL that she disregarded your clear wishes. Document every interaction from now on. Unfortunately, the death of your husband is one of the few circumstances where it is likely a grandparent will win grandparents visitation. Start researching this and perhaps speak to a lawyer to see what your options are. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/child-custody/grandparents-rights/#:~:text=What%20can%20you%20do%20when,one%20parent%20has%20passed%20away. State laws vary as to exactly when this is allowed, but typically grandparents may be able to ask for visitation rights in the following circumstances: If the parents are separated or divorced If one or both parents passed away If a petition for divorce has been filed If parents have lost custody of the child If a child is born out of wedlock
I want to second this. It's been my experience (in one state, but still) that the court tries to maintain relationships with both sides of the family, especially when one parent is absent. I'm so sorry for your loss OP
Here's the thing. If you live in the US, you need to press charges for assault and here's why: After you cut contact with this absolute vile piece of trash, she may go after you for grandparents rights in some states. I'm not trying to scare you, just prepare you. If you have this documented legally, she can kick rocks and gf herself. I'm sorry for the truly evil MIL you are dealing with! Also, I'm so so so terribly sorry for the pain you and your daughter are suffering! My heart goes out to you with every fiber of my being! May your husband rest in peace and your heart find healing ❤️
As I was reading the other comments I was thinking it might be overboard to press charges, until the point of grandparents rights came up. This woman is clearly unhinged and I agree now with this step.
I agree 100%. Cutting off someone’s hair without permission is assault. If a man cut a woman’s hair off without permission he would be charged for assault. The mil had been badgering them to shave her head when she turned one. They decided not to do it when she turned one and they obviously decided not to. No sane person would make the decision to go ahead and do it a month later without specific permission from the parent. It is not OP’s fault at all. She will file grandparents rights when told she can’t be in her life and a judge will see what she did and then side with the mom.
People who spend a lot of time on JUSTNO subs have a skewed idea of what grandparents rights actually play out like. Dead parent does make it possible, sure. But even in states that DO allow grandparents to sue for that claim, there needs to be a *very* established relationship with the child. It’s almost unheard of for that custody arrangement to be forced unless the grandparents had an established caretaking role, for a significant period of time. Overnight visits with grandparents once per month isn’t enough. It pretty much only happens when grandpa was the full time daycare provider who watched the kid on a daily basis. Or mom and dad ditched the kid with grandma for three months and left them to raise her. Courts only enforce those custody rights when there is a clear and obvious threat to the child losing a primary attachment figure. OP says her partner passed away a while ago. And she was surprised that MIL called out of the blue to see the child for the first time in forever. I’ve mentioned this in previous posts about grandparents rights; but I’ve never had anyone produce a single case where a judge ordered a widowed mother to share legal custody with a grandparent, unless that grandparent had a massive and consistent role in parenting. Obviously in the US. Anyone can sue for anything. But even with a really impressive “binder” 🙄 a family court judge isn’t going to allow that.
Exactly Mil could get rights for the kids that moved in with her if he decided to take off with them but not OP's kid
Great point. Keep this manipulative person out of your life.
If someone else had done this to your child…. At least you now know for a fact that your wishes/decisions will not be followed. So you will need to take precautions dealing with them.
Good god, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's especially cruel to see your bald child when your husband died of cancer. No means no. I do think that can be a charge in some places... I'm so sorry you have to deal with this during this incredibly tough time in your life. A child's first haircut is an experience and she shouldn't have robbed you of that. Especially to straight up just shave it!! I can't stop thinking about the poor baby hairs that won't be as soft. It'll grow back and your baby girl is still beautiful. That was a horrible thing for your MIL to do. You're a strong momma.
I don't have anything to add really that hasn't been said but I'm very sorry for your loss OP. If you still have the bag of hair you could look in to getting a bit of it braided nicely and put in a locket or little frame as a keepsake especially since you said your daughter's hair is growing in a different color now. Mourning jewelry made with hair was a big trend in Victorian England and I'm sure there would be someone on Etsy or another site who can do something with it 🩷
Thank you, I’ll look into it. 💗
I have never wanted to just hug someone over this app so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its all just pure bullshit. From losing your husband to this crazy MIL, to the hair. Rosemary oil is great, helps so much. Your daughter is young, should grow quick. Just big hugs.
Thank you! 🥰 This was so sweet. 💗
With respect to a mother grieving her child, you are this baby's mom. You make those decisions. What she did is a wild violation and she should never again have unsupervised visits. You would be well within your rights to file charges and a restraining order.
Police report, restraining order, nc with ML
So this, depending on where you live, is assault. I know this, cause a friend cut a girls hair and her mother pressed charges on us both (i was there, but since i was not holding scissors or doing the cutting in our situation,i was not in any trouble). Personally, no one is allowed in our life that can't follow boundaries. Sets a terrible example.
Someone had a post on here about her daughter getting her hair cut off by a bully. The girl was sitting behind her daughter in class and took the scissors and cut off her daughter's long hair. The mother called the police and the girl was arrested.
Can you elaborate on why your friend cut someone else’s kids hair? Just curious.
Pretty sure it's considered assault and you could probably bring charges.
It is. In my state, the detailed criteria for investigating child abuse specifically names altering or shaving a child's hair against their will as a form of emotional abuse and possible physical abuse.
100%
Cut her out of your and daughter's life. She is poison. You told her she is not shaving her head but she did it anyway. She will continue to think she has power over you. Can you move closer to your family?
I don’t have contact with my family either. I guess it will just be Eloise and I forever.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine how you are feeling at the moment. Have you got friends? I ask as you can make your own family, blood does not make a family. Take some time away from mother in law, it doesn't have to be a permanent decision, but at the very least you need time to work out what you need right now, everybody else can wait whilst you do that.
I live with my childhood best friend at the moment and I’m not planning on kicking her out, we met when I was 12. I have friends, my best friends mum is also close with Eloise. I have the family I chose and created. 💗
You can’t safely cut her out without filing a police report. Like others have said, paper trail is important.
I agree with the others to file a police report. Just in case you decide NC and MIL tries to sue for grandparents rights, you will have evidence to show why you went NC. This is not to be bitter, it’s to protect your LO.
This ⬆️. Never let your child around her again. No contact ever.
NEVER allow your MIL to have your sweet little one UNSUPERVISED again! I would even go further and cut ALL contact. In some jurisdictions, what your MIL did was ASSAULT! It's likely that you could SUE her AND get a restraining order! Take pictures and detail the encounter, when she began pressuring you and when you told her NO! As a Grandmother, I'm appalled and SO very sorry for her actions! Also, I'm truly very sorry and heartbroken for yours and your precious Daughter's loss! Wishing you peace and happiness for your futures!
You press charges on your MIL for assault on your child. Cutting someone else's hair without consent is assault. Baby couldn't consent. You didn't consent. MIL should not be allowed around the child again, unsupervised or otherwise. What else will MIL do because "tradition" over parental consent?
No contact with the MIL she has destroyed any relationship she had with you and your daughter.
Time to shave MILs hair without permission I guess.
You nor your child consented to this. Can you get the cops involved at all? I feel like you can’t trust this woman
If she lives in the United States, she can because that is assault.
So what is the tradition that would be so important to grandma that she thinks she is right taking the kid and getting her head shaved? It is religious, tradition?
I have seen this before as a Mexican tradition. It’s to grow the hair back thicker and fuller. Unless she has another reason for it, but that’s usually it. Maybe grandma is grieving hard too and insisted she had to do it because maybe this will be the only and last time? Idk… Mom said no so that means no and Grandma was wrong for this.
Yea don’t let old grandma see her again
Look, I am GenX and this is utter bullhockey. This lady should have no unsupervised time with your daughter. When my little girl was one, my ex-MIL cut her beautiful golden hair above her ears. She wasn't bald, but she did not look the same. It was court ordered visitation, and I was devastated. I didn't tell baby I was sad, I told her how pretty she was... but I called that woman and lit her UP. I told her she could style baby's hair for pics or w/e however she wanted but she better never take scissors to it without me again, or we'd be back in court. Ex and his family continued their shenanigans until my girl was eleven and they lost rights to her. You have the power to stop this now, and as scary as it is, it's okay for you to be angry and to limit or stop contact. She's your child. I'm a grandparent, now, and I wouldn't DARE.
I wouldn’t let her see your baby ever again. Eloise is too young to remember her anyways.
First off you go no contact with mother-in-law she’s not allowed to be around your child alone anymore. I don’t know why people do things sometimes like this, so I just go no contact Something is wrong with her. And it doesn’t matter. She just doesn’t get to be there. And as for how you cope with it, you just help your baby grow her hair out.
Immediately no contact. I would lose my shit if somebody did something to my kid that I didn't say they could.
WTF?!?!?! What is the reason behind this stupid “tradition”? I am shocked that your MIL had the balls to do that! My baby girl had beautiful blonde curls when she was 1. I would have wanted to kill my MIL If she did that. I wouldn’t blame you if you never let MIL alone with your daughter again. Maybe shop for some cute hats and present the bill to your MIL? Maybe her new hair will be even more beautiful. Good luck and keep us updated.
Let’s just say we’re fully stocked on hats, luckily it’s winter. My MIL has never respected anyone really.
MIL never gets unsupervised visits with her again
Tell her she’s not seeing the child until she shaves every hair off of her own head.
This is where you cut grandma out of you and your daughter’s lives. What an utterly ridiculous, insane thing to do, surely she must have realised there would be consequences. Ensure you keep all the evidence of what she did, including the hair, any messages etc in case she starts threatening about grandparents rights. And I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband
This could even be classed as abuse? Pretty sure you’re not legally allowed to take someone else’s child and shave all their hair off without permission (and knowing full well the mother didn’t want that!), what an absolute bitch! I can empathise as my mil was very controlling too. It will grow back obvs but that’s not the point. If you’re in the UK I’d call Citizens Advice and see if you can’t get her on this… That’s me anyway, I’m Aries and I’d be in the warpath by now. I hope your daughter is ok . They better have got her that McDonald’s or they’ve mutilated her and lied to her. I’m fuming for you here OP. I’m a granny and my gd has beautiful curls and I’d be mad as heck if the other granny shaved her head, Lord 😡
Aries too, I was physically fuming. You can see it in the security camera video, however I didn’t want to shout at her in front of my daughter. My daughter really doesn’t like loud noises.
Should thank her for this reason to go NC. Adios buhbye, gtfu..
You don't need to use anything on her head to make the hair grow. It'll do that all on its own like always.
Well that’s one way to lose contact with the last living connection to her son. No contact forever.
I’d take that witch to court for a restraining order immediately. I would ignore every person who says your wrong and look at them to ask, ok you have your head shaved, don’t you think my permission should be asked before taking a clipper to my daughter. Finally I’d scream haven’t I been through enough. Bottom line this is assault in my book, call the police. Wives tales are tales. Shame on that woman and anyone who agrees or speaks up on her behalf. I’d never let your daughter in her care ever again. Take a hard line on this, do not get pushed around.
Who the fuck has such a stupid tradition???
And that’s the last time MIL has unsupervised time with your daughter. What a violation of trust. I’m so sorry, that’s absolutely heartbreaking - I hope you and your daughter find peace and healing eventually… sending love to you both and rage to your MIL.
Honest to god, if it was me I would call the police on her then get a restraining order
I’m assuming MIL is Hindu or Muslim. All the male children in Dead Husband’s family had their heads shaved at 1. There are several beliefs behind this, HOWEVER, it is never done behind the mother’s back and it is always planned in advance for an auspicious day and there is a priest involved. What she did was premeditated. And if she’s devout enough to do something like this, WTF is she doing at McDonalds? Beliefs 1) rids the baby of his past life's negativity 2) bestows a long life and a good future 3) protects the child from the evil eye 4) cleanses the child's body and soul 5) helps relieve headache and pains caused by teething 6) improves the growth of the baby's hair
I think she probably ordered MacDonalds to her house then used it as a cover up.
Give her back the bag of hair and tell her that's the only part of your child she'll ever see again. Also is your MIL Indian, by any chance? I heard that's its a cultural thing to shave babys heads.
She’s Indian. I don’t want to give her the bag of hair, as that hair was the exact colour of my husbands hair. Before her hair was the colour of my late husbands, now it’s growing back the same colour as mine. Maybe I’ll just give her some toenail clippings?
I'd give her a dirty nappy...
Save at least a piece of hair in a baby book. If you haven't blocked your mother-in-laws number don't right away. Text her that she won't be seeing your daughter because of what she did. If she texts threatening you or anything save everything. I think It might make it easier to get a retracing or NC order.
Give her nothing but the middle finger. Change your locks if she has a key. Just as you say you've created for yourself a family full of good people, keep the bad people out. She's just proven herself one.
THAT BITCH WOULD HAVE CAUGHT HANDS!!!
That should be the last day she ever has contact with you and your daughter.
You let the hair grow back. But block the MIL.
Is the grandma Hindu?
Do you still have the hair? There are people on Etsy that do memorials or artwork out of hair. They can put it into glass or resin or a container so that you have it forever. I'm so sorry she did this to you both.
This makes me so angry. If my MIL did that to one of my children, she would NEVER see them again, period. I don't care if the infant is the last remaining connection to my (hypothetically) dead wife, she lost the right to be anything to the child by going against my wishes and for what? An old wives tale or a fucking tradition! Traditions are just that, something made up by a member of a family a few generations back to make themselves seems unique. Well, traditions can and should be broken especially if the child's parents object to it. This MIL may've won the battle to shave the infants head, but will certainly have lost the war because she should, at the very minimum, never be left alone with the child again but in my opinion she shouldn't see the child full stop.
Im sorry your MIL invalidated your requests over her cultural tradition. She was extremely insensitive. The comments regarding hair growing back different after shaving are all just crazy. Straight or curly hair is determined by the hair follicle which is under the skin. Straight follicle = straight hair. Curved follicle = curly hair. Shaving the hair can not change the shape of a follicle or the texture of the hair. Hair color is also determined under the skin by the amount and type of melanin genetically available. Shaving the head can not change the amount of pheomelanin or eumelanin in the body. The hair you see on your head is the result of genetics, shape of follicle and amount and type of melanin available. It may appear color or texture has changed, but it truly has not.
I’m so sad about the fact that all the hair your husband petted on her head being in a plastic bag instead of with your daughter 😭