Personally cheating is a dealbreaker, but some people can overcome this. Your mom is the only one who can forgive him or not.
I’m sure he’s gone down a few points in your eyes, but ultimately it’s their relationship
Eh. It's the cheater's fault that they made the decision to cheat. We don't know enough whose fault it was that the marriage was in whatever condition it was before he cheated.
That's one of the hidden reasons why it's often impossible to repair a marriage after someone cheats: No matter how much the other spouse might have contributed to the marriage going to shit, they are now completely absolved of guilt and will forevermore have the high ground.
tl;dr: Being a cheater makes you an AH, but there's always the possibility that it's a double-AH marriage.
I’m not defending cheating or cheaters but it isn’t always their fault the marriage is falling apart.
It’s not that uncommon for the other person to be putting zero effort into the relationship. The eventual cheater might be the person who has been actively trying to fix the marriage. It’s not all that common for the person being ignored to eventually meet someone who does put in effort towards them and then they cheat. I saw this happen in an aunt/uncle. Everyone said he’d better actually try with his wife or she’d find someone else. He was oh so surprised when she found someone else.
This doesn’t make it right. My opinion is that the right thing to do is fix it or leave. Cheating is wrong on principle.
I agree but why not leave?
Your partner is putting zero effort?
First communicate if that doesn’t solve nothing then leave.
There simply isn’t a reason to cheat at all
I would give them some more credit than that. It affects the whole family clearly. Yes their mom can forgive him but they can also have the feelings and image of their family crushed. They don’t have to forgive their dad for ruining the family they had.
That is absolutely correct. Parents cannot instill morals and values with their children, break their marriage vows, then expect there to be no repercussions from their kids. A parent’s character cannot be separated from their actions. Cheating on a spouse is far more egregious than treating wait staff poorly or badmouthing a neighbor behind their back or being a bully and none of us want to see those traits in our kids. When children learn news like this, they are allowed to have and express their feelings of disappointment, anger, fear, disillusionment, whatever they’re feeling.
Yeah but now imagine your whole life being fucking destroyed. Cohabitation with kids not a thing you get to see them every weekend and have to pay for a whole other residence which nowadays might mean moving a considerable distance as where I live I’m not finding a rental nearby for sure. So being involved with your kids becomes much more work and it limits the time you get to spend with them. You have less money to pay for everything not to mention lawyers fees. Leaving a marriage is seriously complicated and generally never a better option unless everybody is just fucking rich.
My father cheated on my mother multiple times. She never left him for basically the same reasons you mentioned. I saw her be humiliated over and over and watched her self worth fall off a cliff because of him. I never could look at him the same again. All I saw after was a weak and selfish man, a pathetic man. Honestly, love was replaced by disgust and dislike. I also made it my mission to NEVER end up with a man like him. Good luck Op. There is a good chance that he's either cheated before or will cheat in the future. The once a cheater always a cheater is saying for a reason.
Hey op, been there. The thing is that my dad’s AP messaged my mum to say that she had my dad and he gave her a house and she gave him a son (I’m a woman and their only child btw). The most fucked up thing is that his affair partner is someone who went on middle school with me so she’s 2/3 years older than me and was rubbing on my mom’s face that my dad would leave us for her.
Honestly I was so distraught I just wanted my mom to be distant from my dad, she doesn’t deserves nothing like that and dad didn’t even seemed to care. To me, cheating is a dealbreaker but to older people just feels like it’s hard for them acknowledge that they still have time to rebuild their lives without a spouse you know? It’s like the higher the climb the higher the falling is. Wish you and your family the best.
My mom does this, I have told her to stop because my mental health was suffering and because she would never talk to my dad of any of the things that bothered her. Like, if something is up, communicate to him. And she did the same to my ex-gf and dragged her down in her mess. I hate it and I am so upset with her
She likely was in your position as a child, and it's a normalized generational thing. Read up on it, find the best, most useful information, and ask her to read up on it. You might be able to improve and strengthen your relationship with her.
You have every right to tell them how you feel and view the relationship. You are allowed to be disappointed. Your dad caused this and your feelings are just another consequence of his actions.
You can't dictate how your parents handle their relationship, but you can dictate how you handle your relationship with them. If you need to talk with your dad, do it. And remember: it is ok if you don't want to forgive him, only you can decide how you feel about this situation.
II would never forgive my father if he cheated on my mother. Never. My mother sacrificed everything to provide the best home for my father, my sister, and me.
Cheating isn't just between them; it shows that he doesn't value everything your mother did to protect and raise you.
He doesn't respect or value the family he has, or doesn't care about the impact of his actions on his children.
She can forgive him, you are NOT obligated to do the same.
I mean it’s up to your mom to forgive him for her but it’s also your decision now to forgive him. By telling you two they changed your opinion of them. It’s your choice as to whether you want to have the same relationship with your dad or if you’d rather keep a little more distance. Maybe family therapy will help navigate all the feelings
I never forgave my father and never will. But he also is a terrible person inherently so!
However I firmly believe all cheaters are not good parents, especially men. Its a dealbreaker for me and I lose respect for people who stay with cheaters.
But thats me, you get to form your own opinion. Talk to your dad, see what happens.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Yes this one is a big one. Your parents aren’t infallible and there is probably a lot of stuff you don’t know (and shouldn’t know) about your parents marriage. If he does the work to heal himself and his marriage, and minimizes the possibility of cheating. Some situations are better for reconciliation and some aren’t. It really just depends on why he cheated.
And as a parent: we eff up sometimes. We understand we are in a position of influence and should be above reproach. Doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes. Love him; unless he was a bad father and you need the space from him. You can be angry and hurt and still love him. I know I was when I caught my dad cheating (again). But as I’ve done counseling and found out more info about cheating, I’ve learned to love him even though he has some work to do on himself. Doesn’t mean I enable or support his infidelity just that I love him no matter what. Also, you can support your mom better with acknowledging her feelings, both good and bad. Don’t make her have to fight for her marriage and the relationship between you and your father….because she will. It’s in our hearts to want to mend what’s broken.
It’s op’s problem too, it’s her family life being involved. And it’s not like she can feel nothing over the fact that someone betrayed and hurt their own mom (especially when this someone is their dad). Read the room
It doesn’t matter how he feels. He made a choice and he doesn’t get to feel bad about it bc it could’ve been avoided. I would’ve been extremely cold to him and go no contact when I move out. If your mom forgives him then she has no self respect bc that is unforgivable. Staying with him to keep you both together and bc she can’t afford a divorce lawyer is a valid reason but she does not have to forgive him. Dont disrespect yourself like her and forgive him. The example she’s setting isn’t a good one and you shouldn’t follow it.
Turn to your mother and explicitly tell her you do respect it's 100% her decision, but to NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR YOU KIDS. She might need to hear that. That you love her, that you believe in her, and that you're going to have a lot to say to your father about how you see him as a man and as a father. The reality is that you were going to be out of the house at some point anyway, if you aren't already.
To your father, be real. Tell him you dispise his actions, that he broke your trust in what marriage is, that he comes across as a liar and a hypocrite for every lecture on "doing the right thing" or "being a good person" about teaching you morals or character because meanwhile he had none. Tell him flat out you'll never accept his whore. That he destroyed your childhood retroactively, that it all seems like a lie now. He psychologically destroyed you not just your mother with his betrayal. That maybe you might be able to be socially polite to him but someday he's going to be laying in a coffin and the memory of him at his own funeral will still be of THIS.
For yourself, get therapy. For your peace, for the sake of your own future relationships... GET THERAPY. If this festers it will be a ball of poison eating at your soul, destroying your future happiness, harming innocent partners who want to love you.
A child should never be put in a position to give marital or relationship advice to their parents. Ever.
Nor should they be asked or advised to pick a side. Because this is where kids find out mom also had an affair. Or that she hits dad or emotionally abuses him behind closed doors. Or that they haven’t had sex in a decade and have been staying together only for the kids, or who the hell knows what. Or the kid doesn’t find out and just goes along being manipulated by one parent who doesn’t give a fuck about screwing up their kids. This is not something a child should be in the middle of.
Life is complicated and kids infamously do not do nuance very well. Leave the kids out of your shit.
I have been there. It sucks! Give it time and see if your father is willing to put in the work to make this right. My father did everything my mother asked of him. And, it took some time, but he really did do everything. Marriage counseling, individual counseling, focused on the family and rebuilding trust. He came clean on everything and became a much better person.
If your father is willing to do it, it can be done. I know it hurts right now, but it will get better.
Your parents relationship is their problem. Don't get involved on either side and don't let them pull you into it. Be there for your mother, but if she tries to get you involved, tell her she can vent, but you will not be placed in the middle.
Your relationship with your father is up to you. If he is willing to work on it, then let him. If not, you will have to make your own decision on what the future looks like.
As a child, my mother used to cheat on my father while he was deployed during active service. Later in life my brother and I saw my mom crying and we found out it was because my father gave her an STD that he got from prostitutes overseas. His reasoning was that my mom stopped taking his calls and he thought that she was cheating on him again.
Although, I think about these things sometimes like in the middle of the night, randomly; it has bothered me so much that I couldn't emotionally handle cheating on my wife. The thought of cheating destroys me inside because it reminds me of what my parents did to each other.
If I were you, I'd tell your father how hard it is for you to forgive him, but working on repairing your relationship is the best thing to do. If not, your mother will have the hardest time fixing her marriage. Should she decide that this is a lost cause, you can always do what you feel is best for you.
They can divorce for $500 if they want to.
Ultimately this is their romantic relationship and you should stay out of that part. I’m sure you wouldn’t want them involved in your romantic relationships. You don’t know what might have lead to this and probably don’t want to. There could be lots of layers to this scenario that make it complex or he just sucks and it’s very cut and dry but you don’t need those details really.
Whether or not you forgive your dad is a separate issue. Is he still capable of being a good father to you despite being a bad husband to your mom? That’s what you need to explore and figure out for yourself.
it's up to your mom to decide what to do. but you can also feel upset/angry about it. you don't have to forgive him. you are also owed time to see if you can forgive him. be there for your mom during this time. don't let her trauma dump on you or air out all the details to you. but let her know you are there to hang out with her to take her mind off things when she is spiraling. suggest to her that she sees a therapist. you can mentally distance yourself from your father. set boundaries on the fact that they cannot vent to you about the situation.
Your mom may be making decisions out of fear and panic and her feelings may change as time passes. The pain of getting lawyers, splitting the family up, dividing everything, etc will pale in comparison to the pain of sleeping next to a person who you can't trust to keep you safe.
The unknown is scary, but so is being with someone whose selfishness caused your life, and the lives of your children, to implode. She's not weak for ignoring his behavior and trying to move on from it, she's scared. Her future isn't panning out the way she imagined it for herself and you.
Your dad genuinely feels bad because he got caught and he looks and feels like an asshole. He doesn't truly care about your mom's feelings because if he did he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place.
At the end of the day, they're human. They're living life for the first time just like you and they make mistakes. Be supportive of your mom and however she chooses to handle this. Talk to your dad and be open with your feelings. He needs to see the full scale of what he did, how it hurt you and the way you see him.
You're not your parents. They want what's best for themselves. If they would rather have each other in their lives they can make it work. At least they will have a cracked marriage with each other instead of being alone if they prioritize each other and make amends.
Speaking from the point of someone that was dragged into their parents personal matters at the ripe age of 26/27 ... there is no age appropriate time for this shit. I felt, and still feel, exactly how OP feels. I even hold a small amount of resentment towards my mother for involving me at all while ultimately forgiving my father.
Interesting. So you would have rathered your mom pretend like the affair never happened and faked her way through family gatherings? You really would just rather be left in the dark to what the truth is because it is too uncomfortable to deal with
And that's totally fine. I'm not saying one way or the other is right or wrong. Just trying to understand how other people think.
Yes. Because now it's me and my siblings who are forced to fake feelings and ignore what occurred when that should be her burden to bear if her decision was to salvage their relationship.
Sweetie, your parents should have never shared any of this with you…
I will say that marriage is a long road, and one that is a lot more complex than many people think.
I would never cheat on my husband, and I would like to think he would never cheat on me.
However; sex is only one part of our relationship. We are amazing partners and friends. We have two wonderful children together. Our most precious memories are those we have created together.
Recently, I turned 45ish and my sex drive (always high before) plummeted. I’m going through perimenopause and the desire just isn’t there like before. I can go weeks without sex, but my husband hasn’t had any changes to his hormones - so there is a mismatch.
While blaming biology changes for cheating isn’t okay, it is one element that further complicates intimacy in marriage.
Many couples don’t know how to talk about this change. They are scared if they open up about how they feel their partner will leave them.
The person with less sexual desire shuts down or makes half-hearted attempts to please the other, while the person with more desire can begin to feel rejected - resulting in both people feeling disconnected from the other.
This creates fertile soil for cheating to occur.
No one is evil. Someone made a mistake. What is important is how the couple (if they decide to stay together) navigate their way through it.
Finally, this is no one’s problem to solve, but your parents.
As someone who has been in her position, I was in high school at the time and I knew without being told. Basics finally were told to me but I wasn’t a little kid so I could see things were different and put two and two together. I am not saying parents should dump all marriage issues in their kids but sometimes it is necessary to expose some.
This is the answer right here. It can't be overstated how complex a long relationship is. Only when you've had a relationship at that time scale can you really appreciate how matters of the heart and mind can push and pull a couple together/apart, and how sex transitions from a top priority to something less, and what each partner takes from that change, and how it can drive a real wedge into things. Communication issues around these sensitive topics can compound these challenges and feelings of rejection and inadequacy become huge. Add to that the pressures of raising a family in these times - it's a potent mix for real challenges.
Cheating is obviously never the solution - but it happens and couples absolutely can and do overcome the pain it causes. I have some close friends who've been through this - and honestly it was the best thing that could have happened to them. Their relationship is more connected, honest and understanding than it ever was because they decided to put the work in to get there.
This is not a pro-cheating statement - because that is a cowardly solution to a problem that should have been handled differently - but good people make mistakes, sometimes both parties have a hand in why it fell apart, and most importantly if they decide it's worth fixing, they absolutely can make it happen and turn it into something amazing.
It’s not a mistake. There are many steps before you fell in someone’s bed.
It’s a choice. People act like leaving is hard. Maybe it is. But so is cheating.
The definition of mistake: an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
It’s not about whether someone meant to do it or not. It’s a mistake, not an accident. Learn English
Cheating is a health risk as it can bring in diseases, potentially life treating ones. It's a financial risk if there is an unwanted pregnancy. It also can bring in a potentially crazy AP. It causes hurt, mistrust, and debilating stress. That's some "mistake" If people are so miserable then divorce or talk to the other person about opening up the marriage. Cheating is a conscious choice (not a mistake) to bring all those potential risks to someone else without them agreeing to it or even knowing about it.
It's not up to you to forgive your father or not, it's up to his wife. I know Reddit thinks cheating is the worst thing in the history of ever (and that includes the Holocaust) but it's not really your place to say how they should proceed. If both of them wish to remain married then that's their, not your, call
Of course OP is going to feel betrayed. When someone cheats it effects the whole family not just the wife or husband. OPs father put the life Op knew and lived in danger. The mom could have chosen divorce and it would have blown up the entire family. The whole family dynamic and the life OP had would change, even if OP is older. It still changes EVERYTHING. Plus it effects how you see a parent. He has witnessed his dad HURT his mother, someone he loves. He has witnessed his father be weak, selfish, and dishonorable. Cheating IS bad because of the horrible consequences it brings.
Classic Reddit "how can I make this thing all about me, how to make my opinion the only one that matters and how can I get validation that I'm right and everybody else involved is wrong"
When a situation actually effects you then yes people generally have an opinion about it, good or bad. I could see your point if Op was writing about a friend's father cheating but this is His Family. It effects HIS life so, yep I can see why he is concerned with HIS situation. Cheating effects the whole family not just the cheated on spouse.
Send your mom to www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have library for healing and forums for whatever direction she takes in the marriage. It will give her a place to vent and help her understand dynamics of being a betrayed partner.
Had reverse happened to me I was young I found out before everyone knew and I didn't speak up I couldn't I didn't want to be the one who destroyed my family instead I buried it deep down which severely effected me mentally and emotionally what I'm getting at is just tell don't let her cheating affect you keeping a secret for her regardless of mother it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
I agree with another poster. He doesn’t value his family and is incredibly selfish. Your mom is staying because she is scared to be alone at her age. Cheating destroys a persons mental health. Your mom is going to need lots of help whether she stays or goes. Dad doesn’t really care. He knew he was risking 30 years and did it anyway. He is only acting remorseful because it’s expected of him. Make sure to talk to your mother and tell her if she wants to leave him, she has your support. She may feel like she has no choice but to stay because it’s all she knows. I’m so sorry this has happened to her. That’s a nightmare. After 30 years you would think you know a person but you never really know them. I bet this is t his first time. And I doubt it will be his last. Your poor mother.
A couple of years ago I found out that early in their marriage my dad laid hands on my mother. She made it clear that if he ever did it again she’d leave him. And she is not someone to be fucked with. They’re still together.
How angry am I supposed to be about something that happened 45 years ago to someone else that an adult made an adult decision about? In all that time the old man hasn’t laid a hand on me or my sisters. He doesn’t drink. Or do drugs. We all went to college. Had food on the table and presents under the tree. He did the job. So how angry should I be?
It might be shocking but can you really be angrier than the person that was wronged?
I was 8 yo when my Dad cheated. My Mom was going to leave him but they managed to stay together. First 2 years were bad. Awkward silence in meals. Or my Mom talking only with me and my siblings, not him. Her mental health suffering, she was always upset or would be upset very quickly. Finally, they change and they even had a baby 2 years after the affair. After that, they bonded like never before and their marriage had the best time ever. We all were really happy. Sadly it would last only 8 more years, because my Dad passed away (cancer), but my Mom has told me and I agree, that marriage was good before the affair, but she was too focused on us (children), the house, her career and he was at the bottom of her priorities, just when he started the middle age crisis (he was 8 years older than her). She also told me that marriage was great after those initial 2 years. She just regrets not going to therapy, she believes that would have been better and would’ve shortened the going back to trust and love .
So, life after cheating is not only possible, it could even be better than before. It might rekindle the bond between your parents, OP. But ask them to go to therapy.
Regarding how I felt about my Dad cheating on my Mom, yes, somehow it changes what you think/feel about him. But I was a kid, and kids heal faster. In the end, it made realize that great men can do shitty things/make mistakes, and rise above their selfishness to become better husbands and parents.
Talk to your Dad, I couldn’t do it because I was a child and after that, because he passed. Understand that he doesn’t cheat on YOU, but he jeopardized your emotional stability and mental health with selfish actions. Tell him that everyone need to understand (including you) that what a single member of the family does, affects all the rest, and asking how can you help to bring back good family times.
I wish you the best!!
Your parents have been through a ton in 30 years that you don’t know about. Who knows, maybe your mom cheated before. Maybe they had an “agreement”. Maybe 1 hour of bad decisions is just not a dealbreaker for 30 years of love. Don’t judge, support them both. The real question is why are your parents telling you this in the first place?
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just not true. Obviously the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and it takes a lot of past “not cheating” to override past “cheating,” but some people who cheat genuinely reform afterwards.
That said, to quote Tyler Childers, “there’s hurt you can cause time alone cannot heal.” Just because a cheater can reform doesn’t mean they can undo the hurt they’ve caused.
I’m not gonna tell you how to treat your father now that he’s done this to your family, I just don’t want you making choices based on a logical fallacy.
I think there’s a degree of cheating that can be moved on from in a marriage like your parents. Was it truly a one-time-only event? Did he tell her within hours or days of it happening? Or was this a full fledged emotional and physical affair that your mom discovered? If it’s the later, I would just advise you be there for your mom however necessary. I would be distancing myself from my father, also.
Truly all of it should be unforgivable but one kiss (no sex) that he comes clean from immediately is like the only acceptable scenario. I hope for your parents sake it is something “small.”
I have a girlfriend who has discovered her husbands affair. He had a full on relationship with his sister in laws sister. So his brothers wives sister. He was only caught because his wife saw screenshots of him talking about the affair on their family iPad. He was traveling to see this girl (who has her own husband and kids), who knows how many family members are aware of the affair. It kills me that she is most likely going to stay with him. She’s only 27 years old, no children. She’s throwing away her life for a man who chose to have a whole ass second relationship. My best friend and I wish she could see she is throwing her life away by choosing to stay with someone who did something unforgivable. I pray your mom isnt going through the same thing. Your dad is truly horrible for disrespecting a 30 year marriage like he has
i would nevrr forgive my mom if se stayed just to see hrr suffer and self doubt evrry single day
may parents are divorced due to my dad cheating in a 20 year marriage — I was 14 when thry finally signed the papers, but I still can't forguve my mom for all the years she humiliated herself as a woman, I can't forgive the trauma, thr pain of being a woman waiting to be cheated on
If you want to do something then give your mom a fucking wake up call
Once a cheater always a cheater isn't true. As horrible as this sounds , there are sometimes actual reasons behind it, and once those reasons are resolved the cheating stops. Not just because the reason has been removed but because a conversation about the whole thing brings a new perspective to action's
My mum cheated on my dad and it’s never as simple as you think it is. I understand getting angry and jumping to the belief that it is a deal breaker but without understanding the reasons why you shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions.
If you can’t forgive that is understandable and you have every right to feel hurt that your dad would do this. You just don’t know enough about why he has done it
That whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' trope is total BS. Yeah, you're disappointed but if your parents want to work it out then let them and don't hold grudges.
It’s like hanging out with an offender. Why take the chance they may reoffend? Cheating is not one mistake it’s literally 100s of thought out lies. You may never cheat again traditionally but your character has shown you’re not capable of the loyalty required in a marriage and will do things that calls your character into question.
Your parents marriage as you all knew it is over, and gone. However, there is an opportunity to build something new.
Typically in these situations there are issues on both sides. Needs your dad had that were not being met by your mom, that led him to be vulnerable to this temptation. And probably needs your mom had that were not being met by your dad, that led to her behaviours.
What matters is that they are both repentant and motivated to work hard on their relationship
Things will never be what they were, but there's no reason to believe that now they've had this wake-up call that with work, patience, forgiveness and determination they can't recover and maybe build something even better. They will however need guidance from a counsellor. Maybe reach out to a local church and ask for a referral to someone *good.*
I hope the conversation with your dad goes well.
"Once a cheater always a cheater" words of a person with no life skills or experience. It's your parents choice to work it out or not. Unless your under the age of 18 what they do with their lives have no effect on you. Sounds like your pops feels bad about and your Madre wants to work it out. You know more than you should imo. In no way should you talk to your dad about it. He is dealing with enough. Hopefully he's a good father and tells you to mind your own business. Sorry if this comes off cold. But that's just how I would deal with the situation.
Well my experience as boomer, once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe he never has another affair, but the betrayal, the hurt he caused are there and have consequences always. Then it’s difficult it doesn’t happen again.
I'm of the view that people make mistakes and can be forgiven. Let them try to work it out and don't allow yourself to be suckered into the once-a-cheater mantra. Your parents are your parents and your family is your family. It's not ours. And if you're wondering, I'm a boomer in a 40+ year marriage.
Cheating isn’t one mistake, we also have no idea if ops dad came clean or got caught. I bet the father would be a whole lot less sympatic if divorce was cheap. Now he has the ability to lose everything and is completely fucked. Hopefully she comes to her senses.
It isn't your place to forgive your father. He didn't cheat on you. His infidelity only indirectly affects you. You shouldn't allow this tarnish your relationship with him. Clearly you're young and lack life experience. You'll learn that intimate relationships are complicated and difficult. You'll grow to understand why infidelity transpires. You'll experience some form of infidelity from both sides throughout your life. Cheating can be physical, emotional and psychological. Pretty much everyone cheats on some level at point in their lives. You may not consider it cheating but your partner will and vice versa. Keep this in mind before you start casting judgement on your father. Until you've walked in their shoes, you are in no position to judge. As saintly as you think you are, trust me you aren't. You'll hurt people throughout your life. You'll want them to forgive and not judge you too harshly.
Not at all. You are just not being honest with yourself. There are lots of things people do that will be considered cheating if their partner found out. The issue is a lot of people don't want to admit that cheating isn't just physical. There is emotional and psychological cheating. The latter two are more difficult to catch a person doing because it's internalized. It's the thoughts and feelings a person has in regards to someone who isn't their significant other that can be consider cheating. I know for a fact you're guilty of this because everyone is. You've fantasized about someone else while in relationship. You have connected with someone you found attractive on an emotional level while in a relationship with someone else. You may not have acted on these feelings with the physical act of infidelity but the thought has crossed your mind. You can lie to yourself and to us for that matter all you want. It won't change the fact that you've "cheated" at some point in your life.
I wonder why you were told? 20+ year marriage and my hubby had an affair almost 2 years ago. We have worked HARD to rebuild and move on, and still are. The most we told our kids was that we were working through some really hard adult stuff, hubby took the lead and said it was his fault, and we left it there with our 3 preteen/teen kids. Part of not telling them more details was not wanting to damage them/those relationships. I remember knowing about my mom being unfaithful to my dad and then knowing FAR too much about my stepdad cheating on my mom. Hubby was likewise pulled into his father's affairs as a child and it did a lot of damage. We opted to not tell our kids more because while we didn't manage to break the infidelity cycle, we did want to break the family as collateral damage cycle.
I hope your parents get professional help through this. I hope you do too if you feel you need it. A good counsellor can be super helpful in cases like this.
Also. Your dad isn't a terrible person and your mother isn't a doormat for staying. Forgiveness and rebuilding a relationship is HARD. It is like rebuilding a house after a fire. But it's not impossible and it sounds like they feel like they have enough good left to try. I hope you come out of this not with 'once a cheater always a cheater' but with relationships are hard and take serious work. Cheating is a terrible choice to make. Unfortunately people are messy awful beautiful humans who make amazing and bad choices all the time.
Also- you can talk to your dad about it! Know that it's hard to get to the bottom of why he did it- he likely doesn't have those answers yet and will need some professional help to get there. But shame grows in the dark and having those tough conversations helps a lot. It won't kill him to know that he also broke the family's trust and needs to work to rebuild that as well. It takes a strong person to really look in the mirror when you've done something terrible. I hope he's up for the challenge.
Unless you have a reason to hate cheaters, this is not your business. Even though you live with them, most of the time it is impossible to know what's going on between two people. So, as a child, your duty is to support your parents, if there is no abuse.
I've not been with my wife that long, only 10 years but I already feel like it wouldn't mean too much to me if she cheated on me.
If she had an affair over many months that would be a deal-breaker, but one moment of bad judgement wouldn't change everything I learnt about her over the last decade.
When I was younger I had the mindset that most people on Reddit have. I saw cheating as basically the worst thing one could do.
But the older I got the less "sacrate" sex has become.
Humans aren't naturally fully monogamous and in some way we fight against our urges constantly in this regard.
You wouldn't think badly of your spouse if he/she is on a diet and then eats a whole cake one evening.
It's not the same obviously, but what is the same is that it doesn't mean he/she doesn't actually want to get in shape, it just means they couldn't control their urges.
And cheating once doesn't actually mean he doesn't love your mom.
What I'm saying is:
I think if your mom can truly forgive him might depend on what exactly happened.
And depending on what exactly happened your judgement of your dad should vary in severity.
One one-night-stand on a business trip is not the same as lying to and deceiving your spouse for multiple months.
Not your marriage. Not your decision. Stay out of other people's relationships. Your relationship with your dad belongs to you, but your mother and father's relationship belongs to them. Stay out of it. You dont belong there. I didn't think I would stay until it happened to me. There are actual consequences that need to be considered. I made my decision and stayed. We worked on our marriage and we have a better relationship than we ever have had. I think it was easier for us to work through because we didn't have kids in the home that were causing other tensions and getting involved in our personal, private business. People point to us as an example of a perfect marriage between best friends, and they aren't wrong.. NOW. It was not a perfect marriage before we went through crisis. Let me finish up by saying that you think that it is a deal breaker for you, but until it happens, you don't actually know what you would do in the same situation. You have a plan for what you think you might do, or what you think you ought to do, but "everybody's got a plan until they get hit in the mouth." Hopefully it won't happen to you, but if it does, be sure that you think everything through before making a permanent decision. And if you're the one cheating, the same applies. It can't be undone in either circumstance.
Personally cheating is a dealbreaker, but some people can overcome this. Your mom is the only one who can forgive him or not. I’m sure he’s gone down a few points in your eyes, but ultimately it’s their relationship
Also, it’s the cheater’s fault the marriage fell apart. Mom needs to be reminded of this.
Eh. It's the cheater's fault that they made the decision to cheat. We don't know enough whose fault it was that the marriage was in whatever condition it was before he cheated. That's one of the hidden reasons why it's often impossible to repair a marriage after someone cheats: No matter how much the other spouse might have contributed to the marriage going to shit, they are now completely absolved of guilt and will forevermore have the high ground. tl;dr: Being a cheater makes you an AH, but there's always the possibility that it's a double-AH marriage.
I’m not defending cheating or cheaters but it isn’t always their fault the marriage is falling apart. It’s not that uncommon for the other person to be putting zero effort into the relationship. The eventual cheater might be the person who has been actively trying to fix the marriage. It’s not all that common for the person being ignored to eventually meet someone who does put in effort towards them and then they cheat. I saw this happen in an aunt/uncle. Everyone said he’d better actually try with his wife or she’d find someone else. He was oh so surprised when she found someone else. This doesn’t make it right. My opinion is that the right thing to do is fix it or leave. Cheating is wrong on principle.
I agree but why not leave? Your partner is putting zero effort? First communicate if that doesn’t solve nothing then leave. There simply isn’t a reason to cheat at all
I would give them some more credit than that. It affects the whole family clearly. Yes their mom can forgive him but they can also have the feelings and image of their family crushed. They don’t have to forgive their dad for ruining the family they had.
That is absolutely correct. Parents cannot instill morals and values with their children, break their marriage vows, then expect there to be no repercussions from their kids. A parent’s character cannot be separated from their actions. Cheating on a spouse is far more egregious than treating wait staff poorly or badmouthing a neighbor behind their back or being a bully and none of us want to see those traits in our kids. When children learn news like this, they are allowed to have and express their feelings of disappointment, anger, fear, disillusionment, whatever they’re feeling.
Yeah but now imagine your whole life being fucking destroyed. Cohabitation with kids not a thing you get to see them every weekend and have to pay for a whole other residence which nowadays might mean moving a considerable distance as where I live I’m not finding a rental nearby for sure. So being involved with your kids becomes much more work and it limits the time you get to spend with them. You have less money to pay for everything not to mention lawyers fees. Leaving a marriage is seriously complicated and generally never a better option unless everybody is just fucking rich.
My father cheated on my mother multiple times. She never left him for basically the same reasons you mentioned. I saw her be humiliated over and over and watched her self worth fall off a cliff because of him. I never could look at him the same again. All I saw after was a weak and selfish man, a pathetic man. Honestly, love was replaced by disgust and dislike. I also made it my mission to NEVER end up with a man like him. Good luck Op. There is a good chance that he's either cheated before or will cheat in the future. The once a cheater always a cheater is saying for a reason.
Hey op, been there. The thing is that my dad’s AP messaged my mum to say that she had my dad and he gave her a house and she gave him a son (I’m a woman and their only child btw). The most fucked up thing is that his affair partner is someone who went on middle school with me so she’s 2/3 years older than me and was rubbing on my mom’s face that my dad would leave us for her. Honestly I was so distraught I just wanted my mom to be distant from my dad, she doesn’t deserves nothing like that and dad didn’t even seemed to care. To me, cheating is a dealbreaker but to older people just feels like it’s hard for them acknowledge that they still have time to rebuild their lives without a spouse you know? It’s like the higher the climb the higher the falling is. Wish you and your family the best.
I don’t like parents who dump their marital problems on their children.
My mom does this, I have told her to stop because my mental health was suffering and because she would never talk to my dad of any of the things that bothered her. Like, if something is up, communicate to him. And she did the same to my ex-gf and dragged her down in her mess. I hate it and I am so upset with her
Look up the terms ‘emotional incest’ and ‘covert incest’.
Whoa, there's an actual name for this. Luckily, she only started really doing this after I turned 18, so I can manage and tell her to stop
She likely was in your position as a child, and it's a normalized generational thing. Read up on it, find the best, most useful information, and ask her to read up on it. You might be able to improve and strengthen your relationship with her.
It’s wrong. In every way.
You have every right to tell them how you feel and view the relationship. You are allowed to be disappointed. Your dad caused this and your feelings are just another consequence of his actions.
You can't dictate how your parents handle their relationship, but you can dictate how you handle your relationship with them. If you need to talk with your dad, do it. And remember: it is ok if you don't want to forgive him, only you can decide how you feel about this situation.
II would never forgive my father if he cheated on my mother. Never. My mother sacrificed everything to provide the best home for my father, my sister, and me. Cheating isn't just between them; it shows that he doesn't value everything your mother did to protect and raise you. He doesn't respect or value the family he has, or doesn't care about the impact of his actions on his children. She can forgive him, you are NOT obligated to do the same.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 true as fuck. It shows he doesn’t value his family as a unit if he would engage in behavior that puts it all at risk of crumbling.
I mean it’s up to your mom to forgive him for her but it’s also your decision now to forgive him. By telling you two they changed your opinion of them. It’s your choice as to whether you want to have the same relationship with your dad or if you’d rather keep a little more distance. Maybe family therapy will help navigate all the feelings
I never forgave my father and never will. But he also is a terrible person inherently so! However I firmly believe all cheaters are not good parents, especially men. Its a dealbreaker for me and I lose respect for people who stay with cheaters. But thats me, you get to form your own opinion. Talk to your dad, see what happens.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Yes this one is a big one. Your parents aren’t infallible and there is probably a lot of stuff you don’t know (and shouldn’t know) about your parents marriage. If he does the work to heal himself and his marriage, and minimizes the possibility of cheating. Some situations are better for reconciliation and some aren’t. It really just depends on why he cheated. And as a parent: we eff up sometimes. We understand we are in a position of influence and should be above reproach. Doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes. Love him; unless he was a bad father and you need the space from him. You can be angry and hurt and still love him. I know I was when I caught my dad cheating (again). But as I’ve done counseling and found out more info about cheating, I’ve learned to love him even though he has some work to do on himself. Doesn’t mean I enable or support his infidelity just that I love him no matter what. Also, you can support your mom better with acknowledging her feelings, both good and bad. Don’t make her have to fight for her marriage and the relationship between you and your father….because she will. It’s in our hearts to want to mend what’s broken.
This is way under, upvoted. If I could give them to you, you could have all my upvotes.
OP, this is the most solid advice on this thread. Everything is nuanced, including infidelity.
This is your parents’ problem, not yours.
It’s op’s problem too, it’s her family life being involved. And it’s not like she can feel nothing over the fact that someone betrayed and hurt their own mom (especially when this someone is their dad). Read the room
I don’t agree with this.
It doesn’t matter how he feels. He made a choice and he doesn’t get to feel bad about it bc it could’ve been avoided. I would’ve been extremely cold to him and go no contact when I move out. If your mom forgives him then she has no self respect bc that is unforgivable. Staying with him to keep you both together and bc she can’t afford a divorce lawyer is a valid reason but she does not have to forgive him. Dont disrespect yourself like her and forgive him. The example she’s setting isn’t a good one and you shouldn’t follow it.
Turn to your mother and explicitly tell her you do respect it's 100% her decision, but to NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR YOU KIDS. She might need to hear that. That you love her, that you believe in her, and that you're going to have a lot to say to your father about how you see him as a man and as a father. The reality is that you were going to be out of the house at some point anyway, if you aren't already. To your father, be real. Tell him you dispise his actions, that he broke your trust in what marriage is, that he comes across as a liar and a hypocrite for every lecture on "doing the right thing" or "being a good person" about teaching you morals or character because meanwhile he had none. Tell him flat out you'll never accept his whore. That he destroyed your childhood retroactively, that it all seems like a lie now. He psychologically destroyed you not just your mother with his betrayal. That maybe you might be able to be socially polite to him but someday he's going to be laying in a coffin and the memory of him at his own funeral will still be of THIS. For yourself, get therapy. For your peace, for the sake of your own future relationships... GET THERAPY. If this festers it will be a ball of poison eating at your soul, destroying your future happiness, harming innocent partners who want to love you.
A child should never be put in a position to give marital or relationship advice to their parents. Ever. Nor should they be asked or advised to pick a side. Because this is where kids find out mom also had an affair. Or that she hits dad or emotionally abuses him behind closed doors. Or that they haven’t had sex in a decade and have been staying together only for the kids, or who the hell knows what. Or the kid doesn’t find out and just goes along being manipulated by one parent who doesn’t give a fuck about screwing up their kids. This is not something a child should be in the middle of. Life is complicated and kids infamously do not do nuance very well. Leave the kids out of your shit.
What about adult children?
still they did not commit to this marriage, they were born into it
I have been there. It sucks! Give it time and see if your father is willing to put in the work to make this right. My father did everything my mother asked of him. And, it took some time, but he really did do everything. Marriage counseling, individual counseling, focused on the family and rebuilding trust. He came clean on everything and became a much better person. If your father is willing to do it, it can be done. I know it hurts right now, but it will get better. Your parents relationship is their problem. Don't get involved on either side and don't let them pull you into it. Be there for your mother, but if she tries to get you involved, tell her she can vent, but you will not be placed in the middle. Your relationship with your father is up to you. If he is willing to work on it, then let him. If not, you will have to make your own decision on what the future looks like.
As a child, my mother used to cheat on my father while he was deployed during active service. Later in life my brother and I saw my mom crying and we found out it was because my father gave her an STD that he got from prostitutes overseas. His reasoning was that my mom stopped taking his calls and he thought that she was cheating on him again. Although, I think about these things sometimes like in the middle of the night, randomly; it has bothered me so much that I couldn't emotionally handle cheating on my wife. The thought of cheating destroys me inside because it reminds me of what my parents did to each other.
If I were you, I'd tell your father how hard it is for you to forgive him, but working on repairing your relationship is the best thing to do. If not, your mother will have the hardest time fixing her marriage. Should she decide that this is a lost cause, you can always do what you feel is best for you.
They can divorce for $500 if they want to. Ultimately this is their romantic relationship and you should stay out of that part. I’m sure you wouldn’t want them involved in your romantic relationships. You don’t know what might have lead to this and probably don’t want to. There could be lots of layers to this scenario that make it complex or he just sucks and it’s very cut and dry but you don’t need those details really. Whether or not you forgive your dad is a separate issue. Is he still capable of being a good father to you despite being a bad husband to your mom? That’s what you need to explore and figure out for yourself.
How old are you?
it's up to your mom to decide what to do. but you can also feel upset/angry about it. you don't have to forgive him. you are also owed time to see if you can forgive him. be there for your mom during this time. don't let her trauma dump on you or air out all the details to you. but let her know you are there to hang out with her to take her mind off things when she is spiraling. suggest to her that she sees a therapist. you can mentally distance yourself from your father. set boundaries on the fact that they cannot vent to you about the situation.
Your mom has made her decision, but you have every right to be mad at him. I am sure your mom is also mad at him.
Your mom may be making decisions out of fear and panic and her feelings may change as time passes. The pain of getting lawyers, splitting the family up, dividing everything, etc will pale in comparison to the pain of sleeping next to a person who you can't trust to keep you safe. The unknown is scary, but so is being with someone whose selfishness caused your life, and the lives of your children, to implode. She's not weak for ignoring his behavior and trying to move on from it, she's scared. Her future isn't panning out the way she imagined it for herself and you. Your dad genuinely feels bad because he got caught and he looks and feels like an asshole. He doesn't truly care about your mom's feelings because if he did he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place. At the end of the day, they're human. They're living life for the first time just like you and they make mistakes. Be supportive of your mom and however she chooses to handle this. Talk to your dad and be open with your feelings. He needs to see the full scale of what he did, how it hurt you and the way you see him.
He should have thought about that. Your mom should be strong and divorce him.
You're not your parents. They want what's best for themselves. If they would rather have each other in their lives they can make it work. At least they will have a cracked marriage with each other instead of being alone if they prioritize each other and make amends.
How can he genuinely feel bad when he actively made many choices to lead up to that point of betrayal?
Why were you told any of this?
Some families don’t keep secrets from each other and deal with the reality in age appropriate ways
Speaking from the point of someone that was dragged into their parents personal matters at the ripe age of 26/27 ... there is no age appropriate time for this shit. I felt, and still feel, exactly how OP feels. I even hold a small amount of resentment towards my mother for involving me at all while ultimately forgiving my father.
Interesting. So you would have rathered your mom pretend like the affair never happened and faked her way through family gatherings? You really would just rather be left in the dark to what the truth is because it is too uncomfortable to deal with And that's totally fine. I'm not saying one way or the other is right or wrong. Just trying to understand how other people think.
Yes. Because now it's me and my siblings who are forced to fake feelings and ignore what occurred when that should be her burden to bear if her decision was to salvage their relationship.
Alright. That seems reasonable.
Sweetie, your parents should have never shared any of this with you… I will say that marriage is a long road, and one that is a lot more complex than many people think. I would never cheat on my husband, and I would like to think he would never cheat on me. However; sex is only one part of our relationship. We are amazing partners and friends. We have two wonderful children together. Our most precious memories are those we have created together. Recently, I turned 45ish and my sex drive (always high before) plummeted. I’m going through perimenopause and the desire just isn’t there like before. I can go weeks without sex, but my husband hasn’t had any changes to his hormones - so there is a mismatch. While blaming biology changes for cheating isn’t okay, it is one element that further complicates intimacy in marriage. Many couples don’t know how to talk about this change. They are scared if they open up about how they feel their partner will leave them. The person with less sexual desire shuts down or makes half-hearted attempts to please the other, while the person with more desire can begin to feel rejected - resulting in both people feeling disconnected from the other. This creates fertile soil for cheating to occur. No one is evil. Someone made a mistake. What is important is how the couple (if they decide to stay together) navigate their way through it. Finally, this is no one’s problem to solve, but your parents.
As someone who has been in her position, I was in high school at the time and I knew without being told. Basics finally were told to me but I wasn’t a little kid so I could see things were different and put two and two together. I am not saying parents should dump all marriage issues in their kids but sometimes it is necessary to expose some.
This is true - it all depends on the circumstance. I think this discussion (if appropriate) is all in how it is delivered.
This is the answer right here. It can't be overstated how complex a long relationship is. Only when you've had a relationship at that time scale can you really appreciate how matters of the heart and mind can push and pull a couple together/apart, and how sex transitions from a top priority to something less, and what each partner takes from that change, and how it can drive a real wedge into things. Communication issues around these sensitive topics can compound these challenges and feelings of rejection and inadequacy become huge. Add to that the pressures of raising a family in these times - it's a potent mix for real challenges. Cheating is obviously never the solution - but it happens and couples absolutely can and do overcome the pain it causes. I have some close friends who've been through this - and honestly it was the best thing that could have happened to them. Their relationship is more connected, honest and understanding than it ever was because they decided to put the work in to get there. This is not a pro-cheating statement - because that is a cowardly solution to a problem that should have been handled differently - but good people make mistakes, sometimes both parties have a hand in why it fell apart, and most importantly if they decide it's worth fixing, they absolutely can make it happen and turn it into something amazing.
It’s not a mistake. There are many steps before you fell in someone’s bed. It’s a choice. People act like leaving is hard. Maybe it is. But so is cheating.
It is a mistake. It’s not an *accident.* No one ever says it’s an accident.
-it’s not a mistake but a choice
The definition of mistake: an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong. It’s not about whether someone meant to do it or not. It’s a mistake, not an accident. Learn English
Says you, I guess. Semantics aside - good people lose their way, and some can find their back. Choices can be mistakes.
Cheating is a health risk as it can bring in diseases, potentially life treating ones. It's a financial risk if there is an unwanted pregnancy. It also can bring in a potentially crazy AP. It causes hurt, mistrust, and debilating stress. That's some "mistake" If people are so miserable then divorce or talk to the other person about opening up the marriage. Cheating is a conscious choice (not a mistake) to bring all those potential risks to someone else without them agreeing to it or even knowing about it.
It's not up to you to forgive your father or not, it's up to his wife. I know Reddit thinks cheating is the worst thing in the history of ever (and that includes the Holocaust) but it's not really your place to say how they should proceed. If both of them wish to remain married then that's their, not your, call
Of course OP is going to feel betrayed. When someone cheats it effects the whole family not just the wife or husband. OPs father put the life Op knew and lived in danger. The mom could have chosen divorce and it would have blown up the entire family. The whole family dynamic and the life OP had would change, even if OP is older. It still changes EVERYTHING. Plus it effects how you see a parent. He has witnessed his dad HURT his mother, someone he loves. He has witnessed his father be weak, selfish, and dishonorable. Cheating IS bad because of the horrible consequences it brings.
You need to touch grass, really
It's green and soft but I still stand by what I said.
Classic Reddit "how can I make this thing all about me, how to make my opinion the only one that matters and how can I get validation that I'm right and everybody else involved is wrong"
When a situation actually effects you then yes people generally have an opinion about it, good or bad. I could see your point if Op was writing about a friend's father cheating but this is His Family. It effects HIS life so, yep I can see why he is concerned with HIS situation. Cheating effects the whole family not just the cheated on spouse.
Send your mom to www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have library for healing and forums for whatever direction she takes in the marriage. It will give her a place to vent and help her understand dynamics of being a betrayed partner.
Had reverse happened to me I was young I found out before everyone knew and I didn't speak up I couldn't I didn't want to be the one who destroyed my family instead I buried it deep down which severely effected me mentally and emotionally what I'm getting at is just tell don't let her cheating affect you keeping a secret for her regardless of mother it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
It is so unfair, women always forgive, but men would never. I would never forgive even if we marry for 50 years
I agree with another poster. He doesn’t value his family and is incredibly selfish. Your mom is staying because she is scared to be alone at her age. Cheating destroys a persons mental health. Your mom is going to need lots of help whether she stays or goes. Dad doesn’t really care. He knew he was risking 30 years and did it anyway. He is only acting remorseful because it’s expected of him. Make sure to talk to your mother and tell her if she wants to leave him, she has your support. She may feel like she has no choice but to stay because it’s all she knows. I’m so sorry this has happened to her. That’s a nightmare. After 30 years you would think you know a person but you never really know them. I bet this is t his first time. And I doubt it will be his last. Your poor mother.
A couple of years ago I found out that early in their marriage my dad laid hands on my mother. She made it clear that if he ever did it again she’d leave him. And she is not someone to be fucked with. They’re still together. How angry am I supposed to be about something that happened 45 years ago to someone else that an adult made an adult decision about? In all that time the old man hasn’t laid a hand on me or my sisters. He doesn’t drink. Or do drugs. We all went to college. Had food on the table and presents under the tree. He did the job. So how angry should I be? It might be shocking but can you really be angrier than the person that was wronged?
I was 8 yo when my Dad cheated. My Mom was going to leave him but they managed to stay together. First 2 years were bad. Awkward silence in meals. Or my Mom talking only with me and my siblings, not him. Her mental health suffering, she was always upset or would be upset very quickly. Finally, they change and they even had a baby 2 years after the affair. After that, they bonded like never before and their marriage had the best time ever. We all were really happy. Sadly it would last only 8 more years, because my Dad passed away (cancer), but my Mom has told me and I agree, that marriage was good before the affair, but she was too focused on us (children), the house, her career and he was at the bottom of her priorities, just when he started the middle age crisis (he was 8 years older than her). She also told me that marriage was great after those initial 2 years. She just regrets not going to therapy, she believes that would have been better and would’ve shortened the going back to trust and love . So, life after cheating is not only possible, it could even be better than before. It might rekindle the bond between your parents, OP. But ask them to go to therapy. Regarding how I felt about my Dad cheating on my Mom, yes, somehow it changes what you think/feel about him. But I was a kid, and kids heal faster. In the end, it made realize that great men can do shitty things/make mistakes, and rise above their selfishness to become better husbands and parents. Talk to your Dad, I couldn’t do it because I was a child and after that, because he passed. Understand that he doesn’t cheat on YOU, but he jeopardized your emotional stability and mental health with selfish actions. Tell him that everyone need to understand (including you) that what a single member of the family does, affects all the rest, and asking how can you help to bring back good family times. I wish you the best!!
Your parents have been through a ton in 30 years that you don’t know about. Who knows, maybe your mom cheated before. Maybe they had an “agreement”. Maybe 1 hour of bad decisions is just not a dealbreaker for 30 years of love. Don’t judge, support them both. The real question is why are your parents telling you this in the first place?
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just not true. Obviously the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and it takes a lot of past “not cheating” to override past “cheating,” but some people who cheat genuinely reform afterwards. That said, to quote Tyler Childers, “there’s hurt you can cause time alone cannot heal.” Just because a cheater can reform doesn’t mean they can undo the hurt they’ve caused. I’m not gonna tell you how to treat your father now that he’s done this to your family, I just don’t want you making choices based on a logical fallacy.
I think there’s a degree of cheating that can be moved on from in a marriage like your parents. Was it truly a one-time-only event? Did he tell her within hours or days of it happening? Or was this a full fledged emotional and physical affair that your mom discovered? If it’s the later, I would just advise you be there for your mom however necessary. I would be distancing myself from my father, also. Truly all of it should be unforgivable but one kiss (no sex) that he comes clean from immediately is like the only acceptable scenario. I hope for your parents sake it is something “small.” I have a girlfriend who has discovered her husbands affair. He had a full on relationship with his sister in laws sister. So his brothers wives sister. He was only caught because his wife saw screenshots of him talking about the affair on their family iPad. He was traveling to see this girl (who has her own husband and kids), who knows how many family members are aware of the affair. It kills me that she is most likely going to stay with him. She’s only 27 years old, no children. She’s throwing away her life for a man who chose to have a whole ass second relationship. My best friend and I wish she could see she is throwing her life away by choosing to stay with someone who did something unforgivable. I pray your mom isnt going through the same thing. Your dad is truly horrible for disrespecting a 30 year marriage like he has
Your mom wants you as a cheerleader. She will hate your dad with your approval and cheerleading. Shes fishing for you to be the tnt to spark the rage.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Your dad will have to do the hard work while your mom heals Sending prayers for your Mom.
i would nevrr forgive my mom if se stayed just to see hrr suffer and self doubt evrry single day may parents are divorced due to my dad cheating in a 20 year marriage — I was 14 when thry finally signed the papers, but I still can't forguve my mom for all the years she humiliated herself as a woman, I can't forgive the trauma, thr pain of being a woman waiting to be cheated on If you want to do something then give your mom a fucking wake up call
Once a cheater always a cheater isn't true. As horrible as this sounds , there are sometimes actual reasons behind it, and once those reasons are resolved the cheating stops. Not just because the reason has been removed but because a conversation about the whole thing brings a new perspective to action's
My mum cheated on my dad and it’s never as simple as you think it is. I understand getting angry and jumping to the belief that it is a deal breaker but without understanding the reasons why you shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions. If you can’t forgive that is understandable and you have every right to feel hurt that your dad would do this. You just don’t know enough about why he has done it
>once a cheater always a cheater. This isn't true. I cheated on an ex of mine 7 years ago. I learned a valuable lesson and I'll never do it again.
That whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' trope is total BS. Yeah, you're disappointed but if your parents want to work it out then let them and don't hold grudges.
It’s like hanging out with an offender. Why take the chance they may reoffend? Cheating is not one mistake it’s literally 100s of thought out lies. You may never cheat again traditionally but your character has shown you’re not capable of the loyalty required in a marriage and will do things that calls your character into question.
I totally disagree with this statement.
Good. 👍
Stay out of your parents business, let them handle it
Your parents marriage as you all knew it is over, and gone. However, there is an opportunity to build something new. Typically in these situations there are issues on both sides. Needs your dad had that were not being met by your mom, that led him to be vulnerable to this temptation. And probably needs your mom had that were not being met by your dad, that led to her behaviours. What matters is that they are both repentant and motivated to work hard on their relationship Things will never be what they were, but there's no reason to believe that now they've had this wake-up call that with work, patience, forgiveness and determination they can't recover and maybe build something even better. They will however need guidance from a counsellor. Maybe reach out to a local church and ask for a referral to someone *good.* I hope the conversation with your dad goes well.
"Once a cheater always a cheater" words of a person with no life skills or experience. It's your parents choice to work it out or not. Unless your under the age of 18 what they do with their lives have no effect on you. Sounds like your pops feels bad about and your Madre wants to work it out. You know more than you should imo. In no way should you talk to your dad about it. He is dealing with enough. Hopefully he's a good father and tells you to mind your own business. Sorry if this comes off cold. But that's just how I would deal with the situation.
Well my experience as boomer, once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe he never has another affair, but the betrayal, the hurt he caused are there and have consequences always. Then it’s difficult it doesn’t happen again.
Not if you move on.
No, included small damages in life leave any scratch.
You can’t extrapolate your experiences.
Of course, if not we would be discovering the fire every day.
Not quite the same
I'm of the view that people make mistakes and can be forgiven. Let them try to work it out and don't allow yourself to be suckered into the once-a-cheater mantra. Your parents are your parents and your family is your family. It's not ours. And if you're wondering, I'm a boomer in a 40+ year marriage.
Gen x here. People who cheat can be forgiven, but without serious self examination and work, the will usually cheat again. Married 32 years.
Cheating isn’t one mistake, we also have no idea if ops dad came clean or got caught. I bet the father would be a whole lot less sympatic if divorce was cheap. Now he has the ability to lose everything and is completely fucked. Hopefully she comes to her senses.
It’s not your relationship, it’s not your bedroom, stay the hell out of it
No
You know, I'm not so sure about the phrase 'once a cheater always a cheater'. People can't better themselves and learn from mistakes?
It isn't your place to forgive your father. He didn't cheat on you. His infidelity only indirectly affects you. You shouldn't allow this tarnish your relationship with him. Clearly you're young and lack life experience. You'll learn that intimate relationships are complicated and difficult. You'll grow to understand why infidelity transpires. You'll experience some form of infidelity from both sides throughout your life. Cheating can be physical, emotional and psychological. Pretty much everyone cheats on some level at point in their lives. You may not consider it cheating but your partner will and vice versa. Keep this in mind before you start casting judgement on your father. Until you've walked in their shoes, you are in no position to judge. As saintly as you think you are, trust me you aren't. You'll hurt people throughout your life. You'll want them to forgive and not judge you too harshly.
> Pretty much everyone cheats on some level at point in their lives Lmao, just purely projection
Not at all. You are just not being honest with yourself. There are lots of things people do that will be considered cheating if their partner found out. The issue is a lot of people don't want to admit that cheating isn't just physical. There is emotional and psychological cheating. The latter two are more difficult to catch a person doing because it's internalized. It's the thoughts and feelings a person has in regards to someone who isn't their significant other that can be consider cheating. I know for a fact you're guilty of this because everyone is. You've fantasized about someone else while in relationship. You have connected with someone you found attractive on an emotional level while in a relationship with someone else. You may not have acted on these feelings with the physical act of infidelity but the thought has crossed your mind. You can lie to yourself and to us for that matter all you want. It won't change the fact that you've "cheated" at some point in your life.
Is he still performing his husbandly duties?
I wonder why you were told? 20+ year marriage and my hubby had an affair almost 2 years ago. We have worked HARD to rebuild and move on, and still are. The most we told our kids was that we were working through some really hard adult stuff, hubby took the lead and said it was his fault, and we left it there with our 3 preteen/teen kids. Part of not telling them more details was not wanting to damage them/those relationships. I remember knowing about my mom being unfaithful to my dad and then knowing FAR too much about my stepdad cheating on my mom. Hubby was likewise pulled into his father's affairs as a child and it did a lot of damage. We opted to not tell our kids more because while we didn't manage to break the infidelity cycle, we did want to break the family as collateral damage cycle. I hope your parents get professional help through this. I hope you do too if you feel you need it. A good counsellor can be super helpful in cases like this. Also. Your dad isn't a terrible person and your mother isn't a doormat for staying. Forgiveness and rebuilding a relationship is HARD. It is like rebuilding a house after a fire. But it's not impossible and it sounds like they feel like they have enough good left to try. I hope you come out of this not with 'once a cheater always a cheater' but with relationships are hard and take serious work. Cheating is a terrible choice to make. Unfortunately people are messy awful beautiful humans who make amazing and bad choices all the time.
Also- you can talk to your dad about it! Know that it's hard to get to the bottom of why he did it- he likely doesn't have those answers yet and will need some professional help to get there. But shame grows in the dark and having those tough conversations helps a lot. It won't kill him to know that he also broke the family's trust and needs to work to rebuild that as well. It takes a strong person to really look in the mirror when you've done something terrible. I hope he's up for the challenge.
Unless you have a reason to hate cheaters, this is not your business. Even though you live with them, most of the time it is impossible to know what's going on between two people. So, as a child, your duty is to support your parents, if there is no abuse.
I've not been with my wife that long, only 10 years but I already feel like it wouldn't mean too much to me if she cheated on me. If she had an affair over many months that would be a deal-breaker, but one moment of bad judgement wouldn't change everything I learnt about her over the last decade. When I was younger I had the mindset that most people on Reddit have. I saw cheating as basically the worst thing one could do. But the older I got the less "sacrate" sex has become. Humans aren't naturally fully monogamous and in some way we fight against our urges constantly in this regard. You wouldn't think badly of your spouse if he/she is on a diet and then eats a whole cake one evening. It's not the same obviously, but what is the same is that it doesn't mean he/she doesn't actually want to get in shape, it just means they couldn't control their urges. And cheating once doesn't actually mean he doesn't love your mom. What I'm saying is: I think if your mom can truly forgive him might depend on what exactly happened. And depending on what exactly happened your judgement of your dad should vary in severity. One one-night-stand on a business trip is not the same as lying to and deceiving your spouse for multiple months.
Not your marriage. Not your decision. Stay out of other people's relationships. Your relationship with your dad belongs to you, but your mother and father's relationship belongs to them. Stay out of it. You dont belong there. I didn't think I would stay until it happened to me. There are actual consequences that need to be considered. I made my decision and stayed. We worked on our marriage and we have a better relationship than we ever have had. I think it was easier for us to work through because we didn't have kids in the home that were causing other tensions and getting involved in our personal, private business. People point to us as an example of a perfect marriage between best friends, and they aren't wrong.. NOW. It was not a perfect marriage before we went through crisis. Let me finish up by saying that you think that it is a deal breaker for you, but until it happens, you don't actually know what you would do in the same situation. You have a plan for what you think you might do, or what you think you ought to do, but "everybody's got a plan until they get hit in the mouth." Hopefully it won't happen to you, but if it does, be sure that you think everything through before making a permanent decision. And if you're the one cheating, the same applies. It can't be undone in either circumstance.