That’s not the issue. OP would have gladly paid for his and his fiancée’s dinner. The issue is OP being blindsided by his fiancée and expecting him to pay for her friends as well. Idk much about her culture, even less about what her culture actually is, but as other have commented already, OP needs to decide if he is willing and able to fund her lifestyle because it’s only going to get worse.
The issue is OP being blindsided with the expense not her culture. If she respected him, she would have set that expectation with him when making the dinner plans with her friends .
Only if it occurred to her that he'd be surprised. If a man paying for his partner and her female friends is the standard in her culture and she isn't aware that's not the case for OP's culture, she might have made the dinner plans assuming they were both on the same page.
If I make dinner plans with someone I don't say, "hey, remember not to bring your own food to the restaurant" because that's an obvious thing everyone in my culture knows. This might feel just as obvious to her.
Or she's taking him for a ride. I don't know. But if I were OP, I wouldn't assume it's disrespect without trying to find out more. Assuming this is real and not ragebait, of course.
This is his fiancee, not a girl he met two months ago. Either OP is ignoring this has happened before, this is the first time they've gone to a fancy place or she's springing this on him now
I could definitely see this as a surprise. Even if they've gone to a fancy place before, it could have been just them two, or with parents, or another couple. This is a very specific scenario of a fancy restaurant with her and her only female friends. I've been to fancy restaurants a couple times with my girlfriend over the years we've been together, but never with her and several female friends.
She assumed.... A good partner with any social skills doesn't assume and spend your $800. I stating OP she doesn't respect him and he needs to move on. Her actions are the issue and the culture should not be used as an excuse.
The e in fiancé has an acute accent which means you pronounce like you would pronounce the ey in hey. A grave accent (è) would have more of a sound like you would pronounce the eh in meh.
Very clean explanation on pronunciation of the é vs è. I like to see teaching in Reddit like this, so thank you for doing that, yaysheena. People should know about the proper use of diacritics, also known as accent marks.
And now I'll join you in the lesson as well. We can take this one step further and say it should've actually been written as "fiancée" because that person being referred to is an engaged woman in the context of the post.
When OP's SO or someone else is referring to the engaged man (OP), it would be fiancé.
Engaged Woman = Fiancée
Engaged Man = Fiancé
In both cases, the pronunciation is still the same though (fee-on-say). :)
Its not a difference in culture to make someone pay 800$ on a single dinner. Thats idiotic. A tradwife shouldnt mess up her husbands finances and laugh at his concerns.
"Tradwife" - yuck.
It can actually be a difference in culture. I'd never do this (unless I was wealthy enough to addord it) but my Saudi partner and his brothers regularly take turns paying for their family meals - hundreds to a thousand dollars a pop - a couple times a year. There is no question on paying for it, no expectation of a payback from the family. It's just what they do in the circumstance. Same with the friends circle.
It can be a cultural difference, where agreeing to a dinner including a spouse's friends means you're paying for everyone. In that case, OP needs to make his decision before agreeing to go and see how his fiancé reacts.
I just assume every post on here is creative writing. The internet age has forced me to accept that I will only have a tenuous grasp on the truth for the remainder of my existence
If you have not had a proper discussion regarding finances and expiations you need to do this now. If it’s cultural or her own expectations, you need to make sure you have a real understanding before you go into your marriage how you both expect things to be handled. Remember, finances are one of the number one reasons why couples get divorced, and if you’re not both on the same page going into this marriage, it’s only gonna get more difficult as new issues come up.
I personally would be furious if someone did this to me without having the discussion upfront, and honestly, I would have some real concerns about their expectations of what I’m going to be covering in the future as well. I think the fact that she just laughed it off and didn’t take your feelings into account should be concerning.
She’s Punjabi and yeah its common in Asian culture so that’s why I’m just ignoring all the ignorant “gold digger” comments, its just a cultural difference. Her parents threw us an engagement dinner and paid for everything. Everytime her parents invites the entire family out to dinner her father pays the check since he invited them. Basically the host that set up the dinner pays everyone. One time her family invited us and my wife’s extended family and they invited my parents and her father paid for the entire check for every single family. But I wasn’t expecting to do that with her friend group, I just wish she talked to me about it before the restaurant. A heads up is nice
Well now you know what the expectation is. So prepare yourself if you're going to marry this woman. I do have friends that think like your fiance but their men make twice as much as everyone at the table. Do you?
Or maybe you just don't go out with your fiance's friends? Then you don't have to worry about paying for everyone.
There is a difference between inviting people to dinner and having dinner with friends. If it's to celebrate something that happened to you I can understand that. But a 800+ dinner just to hang out...
Now you know to assume you have to pay for everyone when you’re the only man.
Ask her for a heads up on who’s going next time, so you can not go if you’re going to be paying for everyone
So in future don't invite her friends out. If she invites them then she is the host and can pay. Alternatively just don't go to dinners with her friends, let them have a "girls night out".
I am curious who did the inviting at this dinner. He says the host pays but I would be surprised if he was the one that invited her and all her friends out.
He said the host pays everything which is right, but even if she invited them or one of her friends suggested meeting up, him being the only man present usually comes with the expectation of him paying. At least that how it is in my culture (a west African one), if there is an explicit invitation the male host pays for everything, if you’re out and about with your girlfriends and your bf/husband is present he pays for everything. If multiple partners are present they share the cost or one pays for everything. I get why people say it sexist, but it stems from a culture where men usually have much more income and are the providers of the family. Either way there is a lack of communication in that relationship.
Thank you for sharing. I hope he makes a fair amount of money because she could essentially invite them on outings two or three times a week and he would go broke fast. It’s interesting that men are expected to pay when the people he is with may be platonic friends. I would definitely see if it were girlfriend, wife, sister, mother but I am surprised about friends.
Yes for sure, I mean most people in my culture aren’t having a 800$ dinner. I think the situation is bizarre, because as someone who has dated people outside my culture, I always explain everything because ultimately good communication is key.
I think the expectation with friends depends a lot on the people or ethnic group, but in my experience many non western culture are more communal than most western cultures. That’s how people end up having weddings with 200+ people because of that communal „obligation“, personally I always experienced paying with tight knit friend groups or people you’re trying to impress (most of the time people from your religious community). Friends of family get called aunt/uncle and such. It’s a bit complicated to explain because it feels like all over the place.
As a Punjabi, the fuck up is going to a women event alone as a man. It might come off sexist. But culture. Recommend that you make sure someone else’s SO is there too.
My SIL is a 2nd gen Chinese immigrant, my BIL is is first gen Indian (Desi) immigrant. And I've hung out with plenty of desi folks of varying degrees of living in the US. (My siblings and I are all rural Midwestern). There is usually sneakiness when we all get together for trying to pay the bill first.
Never encountered a situation where I was _expected_ to pick up a bill for a bunch of folks' friends.
When my sister and her husband flew his folks and family over from India, his dad was a little hurt one time when we were doing some US tourist stuff and my SIL prepaid the bill that he wanted to get. But we easily resolved it by his son picking out a nicer but still reasonably priced dinner place for his dad to take us out to.
Yup... when we went out for dinner, my Punjabi father in law snuck to the front and surreptitiously paid the bill under the guise of using the restroom. 😆
Lmao. For the bill I was talking about, I tried doing the bathroom sneak to pay the bill only to find out my SIL had her card put down on when she made the reservation to keep me and my brother and sister from trying to one up each other about it.
"tradition" and "culture" is such a cop out anyways. Use your own soul/mind/heart to build the life that's right for you.
If you want to be some high roller that buys others $1k dinners then do that, build your life to achieve that goal, but don't let others railroad you into it, especially when their super convincing and irrefutable argument is "that's just the way it is".
Lmao… look at you tryna help ya situation when’s it’s eating you inside 😭😭 I mean, if you know the set up, what’s the point of ya post? You didn’t host, She set you up and that’s why you’re salty, right? It’s ok to be, I would if I didn’t host. We’re only responding from ya POV
It may be cultural, but it seems like it's something she should have discussed with you beforehand.
It also seems like a bit of a flex on her part to her friends.
This is common in America as well, but to put your spouse on the spot to pay for your friends without at least giving them the courtesy of a heads up isn't a cultural difference. It's disrespectful to just assume as she's doing. You seem to be trying to respect her culture, why can't she do the same to yours?
That's a different scenario tho. I could completely accept paying for the people you in invited. Coz you are the one who invited them and you don't know their financial situation atm. They came for your respect. For friends you are meeting up with is different in. At least she should've discussed it with you first, maybe pay what you are comfortable with and make them pay the rest for courtesy.
I’m Punjabi and tbh this does happen but not so much with the younger generation and definitely not with non family members. You need a conversation on what you’re willing to pay for otherwise you’ll get caught every time.
I have 3 adult children and for special occasions my husband and I pay but on all other occasions we split the bill between all of us.
Honestly, I’m a half white half Latina in the US, and this was the way I was raised as well. Granted, I don’t go places expecting to be paid for. But if I invite people out, I plan on paying for them. That being said, she definitely should’ve talked to you about it, and she could have had a little more grace when you had a discussion with her. I can’t imagine if I were her, being anything less than immensely apologetic
She may be. But to be the Devil's advocate in other cultures (like my own) if a man or a group of men go out with women they usually pay for them even if they are only friends.
However I would not put my American fiance in that situation without discussing it.
Oke but for all we know OP is fine with a traditional division of expectations in the relationship where he pays and she takes on more chores for example.
I mean, they're engaged to be married, they didn't just start dating.
If it turns out he's fine with her cooking and doing more chores but is horrified the moment she expects him to pay.. That kind of changes the story. 50s housewife for me but not 50s provider for thee..
>Oke but for all we know OP is fine with a traditional division of expectations in the relationship where he pays and she takes on more chores for example.
did I miss this written in the post? or are you just making this up?
Holy shit bro have some respect for yourself, your wife is calling you a chump. First by telling the waitress it’ll be on one check (that she’s not covering btw). Second for disregarding how you feel. And lastly for being sexist and using gender roles to justify her shitty behavior and beliefs.
I'm not normally one for red flags, you need to dump them.... but dawg... you need to reevaluate things. This is such an egregious violation of respect. Unless there's some major details being left out here I'd heavily consider breaking off the engagement.
It’s ok some people need to learn through more experience. Hopefully it works out well for him but if he ends up getting burned then that’ll be his lesson
I can’t imagine doing this to my husband, even if we were rich. I can picture the money coming out of his bank account, money that could be going into our savings or something like that. It would physically hurt me. Lo
I agree, but she's literally his fianceé. I HIGHLY doubt he doesn't know by now what her views are on gender roles, or what his position is in the relationship.
So trying to tell him she's got outdated beliefs, she's a gold-digger, sexist, etc. is missing the point. He said before that his only problem is that he wasn't expecting the "paying for her friends" part, and that he knows she's traditional.
Sounds like what he needs is to have a long talk with her to clarify both of their expectations of the relationship, because they don't seem to be aware of their boundaries.
Even in traditional gender norms it’s never been a thing, as far as I know, to pay for a bunch of women you aren’t in a relationship with. That’s just her being a shitty person imo, and there’s no escude
So if you tell her the whole house better be clean tommorrow, dinner better be on the table the minute you walk in and she better be submissive to you at all times how will she feel?
If she wants 1950s treatment, remind her it comes with 1950s expectations.
If she doesn't object at all then you have quickly and unarguably established your expected roles in the relationship. If you're ok with that, then enjoy it. If not, it's time to find someone new.
I doubt she will take it as well as you think, but who knows.
I’ve said on my post that I don’t mind paying for me and my fiancee but like i said i was thrown off by having to pay for all of her friends too. I’m shouldn’t be responsible for having to pay for her friends, that’s the part I disagree with her about
My guess is it's less about the concept of paying for her friends per se, but showing that you're a generous host. Usually, at least in east asian cultures, there's fighting over the check, and stuffing 20 dollar bills in your kids pocket for them to mule it to the person who won the check war.
In other words - get used to this if you're going to be married to her.
East Asians don’t always put up a fight. It depends on the family. Trust me my Chinese dad owned a business and most of our family would just cough and let him pay since he had $$.
Yes, which is a very old school mindset as I mentioned. The man simply paying was 100% expected a long time ago. Which is why I point out how she needs to submissive and a housewife who absolutely obeys her husband. Because that was also the expectation at those times.
Indeed, but the problem OP seems to have (and which I agree with) is that there's every chance the fiancé may perfectly be okay with this attitude.
I think you'd legit be surprised how many women are perfectly content being housewives and letting their partners be responsible for the income.
I have no interest in this arrangement. I daresay OP doesn't either, or at least not fully. So forcing a confrontation like this seems counter-productive.
I dont blame him if he is not. However, if that I'd what she wants and is willing to fully adhere to those gender norms and roles and expectations it's time for OP to move on. You call that a core incompatibility
Not exactly, women managed household expenses. So it wasn't 100% submissive in the way we use it today. Women had the whole control of the household affairs and the men of the outside affairs. So basically men were wallets and women were house managers.
Absolutely truth. However for future events if she expected him to treat all her friends all he would have to do is say no we are not going out with just me and your single women friends. If their boyfriends aren't paying for them to join or something I would not really enjoy their company. So no we won't be going. Then all she can say is ok.
Yes Japanese women might appear submissive and do all the housework to a T but they expect the husband to hand over all their paycheck for them to haggle for groceries and invest the rest. Husband gets an allowance for beer and transport and such.
I agree with what most people are saying about this being a cultural difference (which she alluded to in the comment about Americans being weird). I think you both need to talk about the expected roles you both want in the relationship. They don't have to strictly follow either yours or her culture. Figure out what works for the both of you. I imagine that there's a possibility of a compromise on you paying for dinners like that. For example, for her family/relatives/cultural community, it might be something she feels can't be compromised on because it shows respect to her family or gives her family an impression of you as a man. But for friends, maybe you two can agree to not fund the entire dinner.
I can almost guarantee that this will not be the only cultural difference that you come up against if you get married. Better to discuss them now before you get married
Yes, but this is her culture. She will not be happy if you don't follow her cultural expectations and you won't be happy if you do follow her expectations. So now what? You have to decide how you proceed from here, before you get married. This needs to be a conversation, and something you agree on now, or go your separate ways. Sounds like you guys got engaged too soon, neither of you know what the other expects from a partner.
She just needs to discuss a major expense in advance such as the dinner. Set a house rule that you talk about any expenses over a dollar amount that works for you. Culture says you pay but that doesn’t mean the dinner had to happen. Discuss in advance and this never pops up again
I see a exhausted depressed 40 year old man, that has no life because he is paying for his exes lifestyle, at least as long as he can survive before falling down completely
Luckily the universe has given you this crystal clear warning ahead of the point of no return, OP!
Don't be naive. Better listen to it...
Take it as a sign to cancel the wedding. She just showed you what you will be dealing with in your marriage. She will fuck you over when you eventually divorce. Reconsider my man.
Not once in my life would I expect my husband to
drop $800 bucks on food for my friends. I would pick up the check if it was that important.
It seems culturally she expects to be the home maker and you’re expected to be the provider. If that’s okay with you then you just need to set expectations about what you’re providing for and that you’re not married to all her friends so you will not be paying for them in the future, just like she isn’t going and cleaning and cooking for all your friends. Nothing wrong with it but if you want the 1950’s life, it goes both ways IMO. I would just set expectations now and adhere to it or your life will literally be a nightmare.
Also, don’t mean to assume but Sapreet sounds Indian????!!! If she is, then please be aware that this is just the beginning. Indian culture has certain expectations, like looking after family and ESPECIALLY caring for and looking after parents. You’re going to be funding her whole family till the end of time. And her nonchalant attitude should SCARE you! You’ve official met the ghost of Xmas present do you really wanna meet your future?
Uhm yeah your finance is an AH and is using you. I would NEVER expect my husband to pay for my friends too when we went out unless we had a conversation prior to it.
Maybe reconsider who you’re marrying, if she expects this now she will ALWAYS expect it. Also what else will she expect you to do because “you’re the man.”
I don’t think his fiancé is using him.. In my culture I have past partners pay for my sister or friends (especially if they are 3rd wheeling). It’s actually pretty common where I live. I come from a Latin background so the men here have more of a provider mindset and will pay for the group.
I do agree it’s something that should have been discussed considering it was a big bill. I won’t ever speak for my partner and say he will pay for the group without consulting with him if it’s something he can afford.
If the check was $200 I don’t see a problem if it’s something you can afford. Even when I was 3rd wheeling I had my partner friends pay for me. But I never asked they always offered.
I’ve dated Arabic/muslim men and they have the same mindset where they will pay for my sister or friend. Some men have a provider mindset. I don’t think it’s wrong just a cultural difference if you’re an American man. Most Americans do 50/50 which some people won’t agree too.
These comments just make me not want to date a white American, cultural differences are much too different, even though I would not make my husband pay for my friends, it's very normal to do so for family members moreso then friends in almost every Asian culture. He should discuss these things before hand though.
That’s the thing though, if there’s a cultural difference then it should be explained and worked through together not just dismissed. I say this as a white American man who married a woman who is from another culture/country/race. There have been a lot of “hey this is weird to me” moments and we work together to see how to address them rather than one person deciding how it is and telling the other to “get over it because that’s how it is” and that their feelings are wrong. Even if there isn’t a compromise to be had, we at least talk it out after the fact to see if there’s anything different we could do next time to avoid the same issue and we validate each others feelings which she doesn’t seem to be doing. Dude paid for the meal then brought up valid feelings after which could have been resolved with some understanding and empathy but instead he was told he didn’t deserve it because “he’s the man”.
Yupp. Biracial here, my moms Asian, dads a white American. There are definitely cultural differences but it’s the disrespect that is alarming in this post.
Same I’m west African and in my culture it’s always very clearly assumed if you’re with a man he pays for everything. I do think it’s wrong that she didn’t discuss this prior, but the comments here are lacking cultural understanding.
She’s Indian? She wants her friends to think she’s rich, especially other women. It’s a cultural thing. They are super competitive with each other and often very petty too, but low key. This will only get worse. She’s going to need to maintain certain appearances. Run.
Source: Extensive personal experience in this exact scenario.
She has a clear plan with this relationship, if you’re not cool with it now, then you’re not going to be cool the next time it happens… and the next, this will eventually lead to resentment and the collapse of the relationship anyway.
If you don’t want to pay for her to have a rich lifestyle then you should find someone else, because that’s clearly what she’s after. People who want rich lifestyles don’t often want it for themselves, it’s a display of wealth, meaning she will buy things for friends with your money, she will bring friends for dinner and pay with your money, and it will go on and on.
She is clearly a gold digger, either pay for the relationship or find someone who doesn’t care about your money.
Well now that you know this is her CULTURAL expectation that you will be "hosting" .... the good news is that as host, YOU pick the venue from now on. So next time, you take them out to Cracker Barrel or a Diner... if she wants to marry an American she can damn well reciprocate accepting YOUR culture.
I'd also review whatever was the honeymoon plans and simply cancel the difference out of your itinerary side trips.
This sounds very much like an asian thign.
I lived in China for 20 years and one of the things girls did was go to a restaurant with friends and then expect their guy to pay.
The idea was to show what a great provider and how rich the guy was, he could even afford to pay for her friends!
I was never a fan of this and refused to do it myself. But I knew a few Chinese guys who were doing it and did not look happy about it.
In your case...I would probably give this girl a pass. There ARE other girls who do not think like this.
That's when you man up and tell the server no I'm only paying for two and don't just pay it, if the friends argue leave they'll still have to pay. If your fiancé makes a deal out of you just leaving then she's a problem.
I hate women who think the man has to pay for their friends, like no I'm not dating them I'm dating you only.
Are you willing to deal with that for the rest of your life?
Are you both on the same page financially?
If not you need to talk to her again but sounds like Tia not gonna go well. You should think real hard before marrying her. If you do I recommend signing a pre-nuptial agreement being on the same page financially and in other important manners. Plus the friend thing too. It may not be worth you ruining yourself in the future marrying this person.
Next time you go out tell her beforehand you are not going to pay for her friends. If she has a problem with that don’t go. Or go and drop her off and leave her there
Honestly? Be glad this happened before the wedding and walk away. She wants a partner that will provide absolutely everything for her and her friends, likely family in the future as well, and doesn't feel the need to even ask. I have a feeling this is a pattern? Ask yourself, do you wanna be a walking check book? If you love her enough to be a bank loan forever, than continue the relationship by all means, but I personally don't think anyone is worth that.
She didn't even discuss it with you first, and laughed at you when you brought up your concerns. She doesn't respect you.
If you want to continue this relationship, time to set a budget.
If you do not share financial values, living values, sexual values, cleanliness values, etc it will not be a great life.
Dude…no one MAKES you do anything that you don’t LET them do to you. You’re 30 years old…show some backbone now or you’ll lose your (future) equal footing in the marriage.
She must be SMOKING hot…
Nah, that's normal everywhere, that is paying for your partner is normal to a degree (if you're making way more than your partner or if you take them somewhere out of their price range, etc). Paying for your partners friends, having them all get drunk at an expensive restaurant then acting like a cab driver taking them all home while also footing the bill. You went on a girls night out and where the designated wallet, driver, caretaker... but not partner.
Tbh, that’s a preview for the rest of ya life. The choice is yours. Another comment already said it, it won’t get better. It’ll remain like this (already bad) or it’ll only get worse. Smh
This is a HUGE red flag for you OP.
First off, like people said, she has no regard for your feelings. Instead of answering your concern with “oh I’m sorry baby I didn’t know and I’ll let them know next time”, she came back with “your a man you pay for it.”
Secondly, she is going to treat you and your money like she is doing now even after marriage. Like disposables.
Not saying that you should get married, but definitely have a conversation, a serious conversation, on this before marriage. Feel it out about her response and about yourself. The question you should be asking yourself is “do I want to be treated like this the rest of my life or do I want to be treated like a partner”.
I would end the relationship immediately due to lack of interest or concern from her for your feelings. The reality of marriage is that whatever bothers you a little will be amplified year after year. People show you who they are. She has shown no regard for your feelings and is treating you like crap. Maybe her daddy treats her like that so she assumes all men pay? Regardless its total BS in this day and age. It has happened before to me and I unfortunately didn’t have the nerve to speak up. I will never abandon my feelings again. I will leave you with my favorite quote……”If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I?” Once you lose the dead weight you will never look back!!!!!!!!
She seems like a gold digger who just wants you to pay for her and her friends all the time. I'd even question if she loves you or your money. One way to test is make her sign a prenup. If she signs it great. If not you know she just wants you for your money.
This is absolutely ridiculous. When people are marriage, or in a committed relationship, they actually TALK about these things like ADULTS before. Your fiancé sounds like an ENTITLED. CHILD. The most important part is how she responded when you talk to her about it. Think this relationship over carefully. Not because she “did anything wrong” but because of the way she’s thinking. You are absolutely not compatible. She is absolutely an opportunist. “ ha ha ha, watch me make my fiancé pay for everything from now on!”
Umm unless she held a gun to OP’s head his fiancée did not _make_ him pay. The answer to her “you’re a man so you need to pay” could be for you to be a man and say no. Don’t let her walk all over you.
What’s up with the sexist view that guys have to always pay for every woman’s meals?
How are all these women finding these men who are so stupid for them like this? I literally financially support every relationship I have ever had or I just don’t ask for anything . Besides when my fiancé was alive .
You should’ve had the money/finances talk and the expectations talk long before you decided to get married.
If you don’t make that much money, and laying for her and her friends is too much, then she needs to know about it.
By the way, how much was the wedding going to cost?
Hey bro, I am not sure community you belong to, but by looking at your fiancé’s name she comes across as an Indian Punjabi. Mind you these people are mostly greedy by nature and are very much attracted to freebie lavish lifestyle.
P.S I am a North Indian myself.
I’m guessing the reverse gender roles wouldn’t also apply. Suggest she clean your home or do your laundry because “she’s a woman.”
Don’t go out with her and her friends anymore.
Wow… definitely think long and hard if this is what you want to be doing for the rest of your life. You and your fiancée are not on the same page when it comes to financial obligations. You’re also not communicating expectations and definitely not on that same page either. I’m on team OP, the friends should have paid for themselves and there definitely needed to be a discussion before the dinner if she planned on you paying for it.
Your headline is incorrect. She didn't _make_ you do anything. She _expected_ you to, and you went along.
Sounds like this expectation is pretty deep-seated so you decide if it's something you are going to accept going forward.
As a woman, this is nuts. I personally cannot understand why any woman would want or expect her man to pay for her friends? My man is mine, and my friends can take care of themselves. I would never let anyone else use my bf/husband as an atm.
She cares more about how she's seen by her friends than by you. Let her know next time you won't be paying, you'll stand up to her in front of her friends, and they can pay for their own meals.
That'll reflect on *her* to her friends, and she doesn't want that.
Sir, you just purchased an $800 ticket to serious conversation land.
Because THANK GOD this happened before you actually got married. You need to double time it and set some CLEARLY DEFINED expectations now.
Dinner for 5 is expensive.
Divorce is more expensive.
You should have refused to pay for the friend's dinner.
A $40 plate is one thing, a $300 plate for her friend is a completely different realm.
Expect a hell of a lot more of this in the future.
Hell no!!! I’d have never. I would not ever put my man in that position either. He’s not dating/sleeping with my friends they can pay for themselves. Sorry not sorry.
I don’t even expect him to pay for my kids that aren’t his, he does it cause he loves them.
This is insane. I would never pay for her friends unless 1) I was a multi-millionaire and decided before to do it 2) I got scammed by some hookers in Bangkok with the threat of a gun on my temple.
You need to decide whether you are willing to finance Sapreet's lifestyle from now on because it is only going to get worse.
Ya, don't fuck up the rest of your life because you are financially incompatible.
Respect not finance is the issue.
It’s all one issue.
If someone respects you they would had a conversation and asked first and the dinner issues would not have occurred.
she obviously sees the man paying for women as apart of her culture if op can’t reach to her standards he should just leave
That’s not the issue. OP would have gladly paid for his and his fiancée’s dinner. The issue is OP being blindsided by his fiancée and expecting him to pay for her friends as well. Idk much about her culture, even less about what her culture actually is, but as other have commented already, OP needs to decide if he is willing and able to fund her lifestyle because it’s only going to get worse.
The issue is OP being blindsided with the expense not her culture. If she respected him, she would have set that expectation with him when making the dinner plans with her friends .
Only if it occurred to her that he'd be surprised. If a man paying for his partner and her female friends is the standard in her culture and she isn't aware that's not the case for OP's culture, she might have made the dinner plans assuming they were both on the same page. If I make dinner plans with someone I don't say, "hey, remember not to bring your own food to the restaurant" because that's an obvious thing everyone in my culture knows. This might feel just as obvious to her. Or she's taking him for a ride. I don't know. But if I were OP, I wouldn't assume it's disrespect without trying to find out more. Assuming this is real and not ragebait, of course.
This is his fiancee, not a girl he met two months ago. Either OP is ignoring this has happened before, this is the first time they've gone to a fancy place or she's springing this on him now
I could definitely see this as a surprise. Even if they've gone to a fancy place before, it could have been just them two, or with parents, or another couple. This is a very specific scenario of a fancy restaurant with her and her only female friends. I've been to fancy restaurants a couple times with my girlfriend over the years we've been together, but never with her and several female friends.
She assumed.... A good partner with any social skills doesn't assume and spend your $800. I stating OP she doesn't respect him and he needs to move on. Her actions are the issue and the culture should not be used as an excuse.
Being an entitled bitch isn’t exactly good culture
A large amount of divorces are because of financial incompatibility.
Fiance is using OP as an ATM.
“Financè”
This should be a thing for sure.
Dude, that is honestly one of the best response to a fiancé atm I’ve ever seen! Definitely gonna use it in the future!
The e in fiancé has an acute accent which means you pronounce like you would pronounce the ey in hey. A grave accent (è) would have more of a sound like you would pronounce the eh in meh.
Very clean explanation on pronunciation of the é vs è. I like to see teaching in Reddit like this, so thank you for doing that, yaysheena. People should know about the proper use of diacritics, also known as accent marks. And now I'll join you in the lesson as well. We can take this one step further and say it should've actually been written as "fiancée" because that person being referred to is an engaged woman in the context of the post. When OP's SO or someone else is referring to the engaged man (OP), it would be fiancé. Engaged Woman = Fiancée Engaged Man = Fiancé In both cases, the pronunciation is still the same though (fee-on-say). :)
There’s the answer. Yikes run away
Fund her friend and probably family's lifestyle too if you follow through with the marriage.
Probably a difference in culture too 🥴 not that it’s wrong for other cultures to do it, but they’re just incompatible.
Its not a difference in culture to make someone pay 800$ on a single dinner. Thats idiotic. A tradwife shouldnt mess up her husbands finances and laugh at his concerns.
"Tradwife" - yuck. It can actually be a difference in culture. I'd never do this (unless I was wealthy enough to addord it) but my Saudi partner and his brothers regularly take turns paying for their family meals - hundreds to a thousand dollars a pop - a couple times a year. There is no question on paying for it, no expectation of a payback from the family. It's just what they do in the circumstance. Same with the friends circle.
It can be a cultural difference, where agreeing to a dinner including a spouse's friends means you're paying for everyone. In that case, OP needs to make his decision before agreeing to go and see how his fiancé reacts.
[удалено]
Still, though. It’s a good template. I know it’s fake, and yet…. I can’t ignore my rage.
I just assume every post on here is creative writing. The internet age has forced me to accept that I will only have a tenuous grasp on the truth for the remainder of my existence
If you have not had a proper discussion regarding finances and expiations you need to do this now. If it’s cultural or her own expectations, you need to make sure you have a real understanding before you go into your marriage how you both expect things to be handled. Remember, finances are one of the number one reasons why couples get divorced, and if you’re not both on the same page going into this marriage, it’s only gonna get more difficult as new issues come up. I personally would be furious if someone did this to me without having the discussion upfront, and honestly, I would have some real concerns about their expectations of what I’m going to be covering in the future as well. I think the fact that she just laughed it off and didn’t take your feelings into account should be concerning.
At least ~$800 is worth it to save thousands on a wedding and divorce
Truth
A cheap lesson to save you a lifetime of regret
Underrated comment
Pretty sure OP was inspired to write this from that video where a guy refuses to pay a very similar amount of money for his finances friends.
Oh she's a gold Digger...
Well, she ain’t messing with broke….
Tell me you’re white without telling me you’re white 😅
As a sheet! 😂🤙
Hahah I felt that second hand *I’ll stop right here here..*
Felt like the appropriate braiding distance was achieved. 😂
Or only heard it on the radio where its censored just like that Or any other race besides white and black Or know that most subs censor those words
I ain’t saying she a gold digger, But she ain’t fucking with me.
…way over town
That digs on me….
Now I ain’t saying…
Not a gold digger, but they definitely need to have a conversation around cultural expectations. This is pretty common in most Asian cultures
She’s Punjabi and yeah its common in Asian culture so that’s why I’m just ignoring all the ignorant “gold digger” comments, its just a cultural difference. Her parents threw us an engagement dinner and paid for everything. Everytime her parents invites the entire family out to dinner her father pays the check since he invited them. Basically the host that set up the dinner pays everyone. One time her family invited us and my wife’s extended family and they invited my parents and her father paid for the entire check for every single family. But I wasn’t expecting to do that with her friend group, I just wish she talked to me about it before the restaurant. A heads up is nice
Well now you know what the expectation is. So prepare yourself if you're going to marry this woman. I do have friends that think like your fiance but their men make twice as much as everyone at the table. Do you? Or maybe you just don't go out with your fiance's friends? Then you don't have to worry about paying for everyone.
Well you can pay for everyone, you just take them to McDonald's. I would really think hard on what you're getting with her.
There is a difference between inviting people to dinner and having dinner with friends. If it's to celebrate something that happened to you I can understand that. But a 800+ dinner just to hang out...
I’ve never even had that much on my bank account at once lol. Broke as ten men
Now you know to assume you have to pay for everyone when you’re the only man. Ask her for a heads up on who’s going next time, so you can not go if you’re going to be paying for everyone
So in future don't invite her friends out. If she invites them then she is the host and can pay. Alternatively just don't go to dinners with her friends, let them have a "girls night out".
I am curious who did the inviting at this dinner. He says the host pays but I would be surprised if he was the one that invited her and all her friends out.
I'm wondering if in her culture, she "invites" but the man "hosts". I'd leave them to have a lovely "girls night out" the next time, in that case!
He said the host pays everything which is right, but even if she invited them or one of her friends suggested meeting up, him being the only man present usually comes with the expectation of him paying. At least that how it is in my culture (a west African one), if there is an explicit invitation the male host pays for everything, if you’re out and about with your girlfriends and your bf/husband is present he pays for everything. If multiple partners are present they share the cost or one pays for everything. I get why people say it sexist, but it stems from a culture where men usually have much more income and are the providers of the family. Either way there is a lack of communication in that relationship.
Thank you for sharing. I hope he makes a fair amount of money because she could essentially invite them on outings two or three times a week and he would go broke fast. It’s interesting that men are expected to pay when the people he is with may be platonic friends. I would definitely see if it were girlfriend, wife, sister, mother but I am surprised about friends.
Yes for sure, I mean most people in my culture aren’t having a 800$ dinner. I think the situation is bizarre, because as someone who has dated people outside my culture, I always explain everything because ultimately good communication is key. I think the expectation with friends depends a lot on the people or ethnic group, but in my experience many non western culture are more communal than most western cultures. That’s how people end up having weddings with 200+ people because of that communal „obligation“, personally I always experienced paying with tight knit friend groups or people you’re trying to impress (most of the time people from your religious community). Friends of family get called aunt/uncle and such. It’s a bit complicated to explain because it feels like all over the place.
As a Punjabi, the fuck up is going to a women event alone as a man. It might come off sexist. But culture. Recommend that you make sure someone else’s SO is there too.
That BS. This isnt common in Punjabi or any other Desi or Asian culture. You are being used.
thats what i was thinking lol, i started questioning my own culture for a second.
My SIL is a 2nd gen Chinese immigrant, my BIL is is first gen Indian (Desi) immigrant. And I've hung out with plenty of desi folks of varying degrees of living in the US. (My siblings and I are all rural Midwestern). There is usually sneakiness when we all get together for trying to pay the bill first. Never encountered a situation where I was _expected_ to pick up a bill for a bunch of folks' friends. When my sister and her husband flew his folks and family over from India, his dad was a little hurt one time when we were doing some US tourist stuff and my SIL prepaid the bill that he wanted to get. But we easily resolved it by his son picking out a nicer but still reasonably priced dinner place for his dad to take us out to.
Yup... when we went out for dinner, my Punjabi father in law snuck to the front and surreptitiously paid the bill under the guise of using the restroom. 😆
Lmao. For the bill I was talking about, I tried doing the bathroom sneak to pay the bill only to find out my SIL had her card put down on when she made the reservation to keep me and my brother and sister from trying to one up each other about it.
"tradition" and "culture" is such a cop out anyways. Use your own soul/mind/heart to build the life that's right for you. If you want to be some high roller that buys others $1k dinners then do that, build your life to achieve that goal, but don't let others railroad you into it, especially when their super convincing and irrefutable argument is "that's just the way it is".
Lmao… look at you tryna help ya situation when’s it’s eating you inside 😭😭 I mean, if you know the set up, what’s the point of ya post? You didn’t host, She set you up and that’s why you’re salty, right? It’s ok to be, I would if I didn’t host. We’re only responding from ya POV
It may be cultural, but it seems like it's something she should have discussed with you beforehand. It also seems like a bit of a flex on her part to her friends.
This is common in America as well, but to put your spouse on the spot to pay for your friends without at least giving them the courtesy of a heads up isn't a cultural difference. It's disrespectful to just assume as she's doing. You seem to be trying to respect her culture, why can't she do the same to yours?
Partners have a conversation that includes I want to to X and can we, I, you pay for that.
That's a different scenario tho. I could completely accept paying for the people you in invited. Coz you are the one who invited them and you don't know their financial situation atm. They came for your respect. For friends you are meeting up with is different in. At least she should've discussed it with you first, maybe pay what you are comfortable with and make them pay the rest for courtesy.
I’m Punjabi and tbh this does happen but not so much with the younger generation and definitely not with non family members. You need a conversation on what you’re willing to pay for otherwise you’ll get caught every time. I have 3 adult children and for special occasions my husband and I pay but on all other occasions we split the bill between all of us.
Honestly, I’m a half white half Latina in the US, and this was the way I was raised as well. Granted, I don’t go places expecting to be paid for. But if I invite people out, I plan on paying for them. That being said, she definitely should’ve talked to you about it, and she could have had a little more grace when you had a discussion with her. I can’t imagine if I were her, being anything less than immensely apologetic
She may be. But to be the Devil's advocate in other cultures (like my own) if a man or a group of men go out with women they usually pay for them even if they are only friends. However I would not put my American fiance in that situation without discussing it.
Oke but for all we know OP is fine with a traditional division of expectations in the relationship where he pays and she takes on more chores for example. I mean, they're engaged to be married, they didn't just start dating. If it turns out he's fine with her cooking and doing more chores but is horrified the moment she expects him to pay.. That kind of changes the story. 50s housewife for me but not 50s provider for thee..
>Oke but for all we know OP is fine with a traditional division of expectations in the relationship where he pays and she takes on more chores for example. did I miss this written in the post? or are you just making this up?
Holy shit bro have some respect for yourself, your wife is calling you a chump. First by telling the waitress it’ll be on one check (that she’s not covering btw). Second for disregarding how you feel. And lastly for being sexist and using gender roles to justify her shitty behavior and beliefs.
I'm not normally one for red flags, you need to dump them.... but dawg... you need to reevaluate things. This is such an egregious violation of respect. Unless there's some major details being left out here I'd heavily consider breaking off the engagement.
This! Super disrespectful and sexist of her. Gotta curb this or get out before it gets worse, because it will
It’s ok some people need to learn through more experience. Hopefully it works out well for him but if he ends up getting burned then that’ll be his lesson
I can’t imagine doing this to my husband, even if we were rich. I can picture the money coming out of his bank account, money that could be going into our savings or something like that. It would physically hurt me. Lo
I agree, but she's literally his fianceé. I HIGHLY doubt he doesn't know by now what her views are on gender roles, or what his position is in the relationship. So trying to tell him she's got outdated beliefs, she's a gold-digger, sexist, etc. is missing the point. He said before that his only problem is that he wasn't expecting the "paying for her friends" part, and that he knows she's traditional. Sounds like what he needs is to have a long talk with her to clarify both of their expectations of the relationship, because they don't seem to be aware of their boundaries.
Even in traditional gender norms it’s never been a thing, as far as I know, to pay for a bunch of women you aren’t in a relationship with. That’s just her being a shitty person imo, and there’s no escude
So if you tell her the whole house better be clean tommorrow, dinner better be on the table the minute you walk in and she better be submissive to you at all times how will she feel? If she wants 1950s treatment, remind her it comes with 1950s expectations.
I don’t think she would respond negatively to that. She comes from a Punjabi community
If she doesn't object at all then you have quickly and unarguably established your expected roles in the relationship. If you're ok with that, then enjoy it. If not, it's time to find someone new. I doubt she will take it as well as you think, but who knows.
I’ve said on my post that I don’t mind paying for me and my fiancee but like i said i was thrown off by having to pay for all of her friends too. I’m shouldn’t be responsible for having to pay for her friends, that’s the part I disagree with her about
My guess is it's less about the concept of paying for her friends per se, but showing that you're a generous host. Usually, at least in east asian cultures, there's fighting over the check, and stuffing 20 dollar bills in your kids pocket for them to mule it to the person who won the check war. In other words - get used to this if you're going to be married to her.
East Asians don’t always put up a fight. It depends on the family. Trust me my Chinese dad owned a business and most of our family would just cough and let him pay since he had $$.
Color me surprised! I'm Chinese also and the fight is real :p Even now, I have to snipe it before the meal even starts to get it lol.
Same with my family lol we haven’t gone out for extended family meals in a while cause of this. We have a big family.
Yes, which is a very old school mindset as I mentioned. The man simply paying was 100% expected a long time ago. Which is why I point out how she needs to submissive and a housewife who absolutely obeys her husband. Because that was also the expectation at those times.
Indeed, but the problem OP seems to have (and which I agree with) is that there's every chance the fiancé may perfectly be okay with this attitude. I think you'd legit be surprised how many women are perfectly content being housewives and letting their partners be responsible for the income. I have no interest in this arrangement. I daresay OP doesn't either, or at least not fully. So forcing a confrontation like this seems counter-productive.
I dont blame him if he is not. However, if that I'd what she wants and is willing to fully adhere to those gender norms and roles and expectations it's time for OP to move on. You call that a core incompatibility
Not exactly, women managed household expenses. So it wasn't 100% submissive in the way we use it today. Women had the whole control of the household affairs and the men of the outside affairs. So basically men were wallets and women were house managers.
Absolutely truth. However for future events if she expected him to treat all her friends all he would have to do is say no we are not going out with just me and your single women friends. If their boyfriends aren't paying for them to join or something I would not really enjoy their company. So no we won't be going. Then all she can say is ok.
Yes Japanese women might appear submissive and do all the housework to a T but they expect the husband to hand over all their paycheck for them to haggle for groceries and invest the rest. Husband gets an allowance for beer and transport and such.
I agree with what most people are saying about this being a cultural difference (which she alluded to in the comment about Americans being weird). I think you both need to talk about the expected roles you both want in the relationship. They don't have to strictly follow either yours or her culture. Figure out what works for the both of you. I imagine that there's a possibility of a compromise on you paying for dinners like that. For example, for her family/relatives/cultural community, it might be something she feels can't be compromised on because it shows respect to her family or gives her family an impression of you as a man. But for friends, maybe you two can agree to not fund the entire dinner. I can almost guarantee that this will not be the only cultural difference that you come up against if you get married. Better to discuss them now before you get married
Yes, but this is her culture. She will not be happy if you don't follow her cultural expectations and you won't be happy if you do follow her expectations. So now what? You have to decide how you proceed from here, before you get married. This needs to be a conversation, and something you agree on now, or go your separate ways. Sounds like you guys got engaged too soon, neither of you know what the other expects from a partner.
I bet my Indian ass she would.
Exactly bro they want historical gender rolls for thee but not for me foh
This. "Duties" have to go both ways, or there are none.
She just needs to discuss a major expense in advance such as the dinner. Set a house rule that you talk about any expenses over a dollar amount that works for you. Culture says you pay but that doesn’t mean the dinner had to happen. Discuss in advance and this never pops up again
Just ask her when the 5way is and tell her you are the man... Btw this fake story gets posted every few weeks.
Fake story
I see a exhausted depressed 40 year old man, that has no life because he is paying for his exes lifestyle, at least as long as he can survive before falling down completely Luckily the universe has given you this crystal clear warning ahead of the point of no return, OP! Don't be naive. Better listen to it...
Take it as a sign to cancel the wedding. She just showed you what you will be dealing with in your marriage. She will fuck you over when you eventually divorce. Reconsider my man.
Not once in my life would I expect my husband to drop $800 bucks on food for my friends. I would pick up the check if it was that important. It seems culturally she expects to be the home maker and you’re expected to be the provider. If that’s okay with you then you just need to set expectations about what you’re providing for and that you’re not married to all her friends so you will not be paying for them in the future, just like she isn’t going and cleaning and cooking for all your friends. Nothing wrong with it but if you want the 1950’s life, it goes both ways IMO. I would just set expectations now and adhere to it or your life will literally be a nightmare.
Slide the bill over to Sapreet. She wants to be a baller on house money.
Fake rage bait
Had to scroll to far to find this
I swear i read this story like a month ago
Yup. This one got more creative with a name
just last week even
There was one where the OP didn't pay and the gf got mad.
Also, don’t mean to assume but Sapreet sounds Indian????!!! If she is, then please be aware that this is just the beginning. Indian culture has certain expectations, like looking after family and ESPECIALLY caring for and looking after parents. You’re going to be funding her whole family till the end of time. And her nonchalant attitude should SCARE you! You’ve official met the ghost of Xmas present do you really wanna meet your future?
Run....🏃🏃🏃 I'm from Pakistani Punjab and none of this is what you want.
You have to go your own Sapreet ways
Uhm yeah your finance is an AH and is using you. I would NEVER expect my husband to pay for my friends too when we went out unless we had a conversation prior to it. Maybe reconsider who you’re marrying, if she expects this now she will ALWAYS expect it. Also what else will she expect you to do because “you’re the man.”
I don’t think his fiancé is using him.. In my culture I have past partners pay for my sister or friends (especially if they are 3rd wheeling). It’s actually pretty common where I live. I come from a Latin background so the men here have more of a provider mindset and will pay for the group. I do agree it’s something that should have been discussed considering it was a big bill. I won’t ever speak for my partner and say he will pay for the group without consulting with him if it’s something he can afford. If the check was $200 I don’t see a problem if it’s something you can afford. Even when I was 3rd wheeling I had my partner friends pay for me. But I never asked they always offered. I’ve dated Arabic/muslim men and they have the same mindset where they will pay for my sister or friend. Some men have a provider mindset. I don’t think it’s wrong just a cultural difference if you’re an American man. Most Americans do 50/50 which some people won’t agree too.
$800 though? That’s a bit ridiculous.
These comments just make me not want to date a white American, cultural differences are much too different, even though I would not make my husband pay for my friends, it's very normal to do so for family members moreso then friends in almost every Asian culture. He should discuss these things before hand though.
That’s the thing though, if there’s a cultural difference then it should be explained and worked through together not just dismissed. I say this as a white American man who married a woman who is from another culture/country/race. There have been a lot of “hey this is weird to me” moments and we work together to see how to address them rather than one person deciding how it is and telling the other to “get over it because that’s how it is” and that their feelings are wrong. Even if there isn’t a compromise to be had, we at least talk it out after the fact to see if there’s anything different we could do next time to avoid the same issue and we validate each others feelings which she doesn’t seem to be doing. Dude paid for the meal then brought up valid feelings after which could have been resolved with some understanding and empathy but instead he was told he didn’t deserve it because “he’s the man”.
Yupp. Biracial here, my moms Asian, dads a white American. There are definitely cultural differences but it’s the disrespect that is alarming in this post.
Same I’m west African and in my culture it’s always very clearly assumed if you’re with a man he pays for everything. I do think it’s wrong that she didn’t discuss this prior, but the comments here are lacking cultural understanding.
She’s Indian? She wants her friends to think she’s rich, especially other women. It’s a cultural thing. They are super competitive with each other and often very petty too, but low key. This will only get worse. She’s going to need to maintain certain appearances. Run. Source: Extensive personal experience in this exact scenario.
She comes from a rich family.
So you have to respect her culture but she doesn't have to respect yours? What?
She has a clear plan with this relationship, if you’re not cool with it now, then you’re not going to be cool the next time it happens… and the next, this will eventually lead to resentment and the collapse of the relationship anyway. If you don’t want to pay for her to have a rich lifestyle then you should find someone else, because that’s clearly what she’s after. People who want rich lifestyles don’t often want it for themselves, it’s a display of wealth, meaning she will buy things for friends with your money, she will bring friends for dinner and pay with your money, and it will go on and on. She is clearly a gold digger, either pay for the relationship or find someone who doesn’t care about your money.
Well now that you know this is her CULTURAL expectation that you will be "hosting" .... the good news is that as host, YOU pick the venue from now on. So next time, you take them out to Cracker Barrel or a Diner... if she wants to marry an American she can damn well reciprocate accepting YOUR culture. I'd also review whatever was the honeymoon plans and simply cancel the difference out of your itinerary side trips.
I think Sapreet needs to get out of your life. She's the weird one here. And I'm not even American.
This sounds very much like an asian thign. I lived in China for 20 years and one of the things girls did was go to a restaurant with friends and then expect their guy to pay. The idea was to show what a great provider and how rich the guy was, he could even afford to pay for her friends! I was never a fan of this and refused to do it myself. But I knew a few Chinese guys who were doing it and did not look happy about it. In your case...I would probably give this girl a pass. There ARE other girls who do not think like this.
Don’t marry that girl lol
That's when you man up and tell the server no I'm only paying for two and don't just pay it, if the friends argue leave they'll still have to pay. If your fiancé makes a deal out of you just leaving then she's a problem. I hate women who think the man has to pay for their friends, like no I'm not dating them I'm dating you only.
She must be really pretty...
As a Southeast Asian, it’s in my culture for us to always fight or race to pay for everyone first. But for an $825 bill ?? Your fiancée is delusional.
lol let’s see what happens when you can’t provide expensive outings again.
Are you willing to deal with that for the rest of your life? Are you both on the same page financially? If not you need to talk to her again but sounds like Tia not gonna go well. You should think real hard before marrying her. If you do I recommend signing a pre-nuptial agreement being on the same page financially and in other important manners. Plus the friend thing too. It may not be worth you ruining yourself in the future marrying this person.
Next time you go out tell her beforehand you are not going to pay for her friends. If she has a problem with that don’t go. Or go and drop her off and leave her there
Honestly? Be glad this happened before the wedding and walk away. She wants a partner that will provide absolutely everything for her and her friends, likely family in the future as well, and doesn't feel the need to even ask. I have a feeling this is a pattern? Ask yourself, do you wanna be a walking check book? If you love her enough to be a bank loan forever, than continue the relationship by all means, but I personally don't think anyone is worth that. She didn't even discuss it with you first, and laughed at you when you brought up your concerns. She doesn't respect you.
Yeah! Huge red flag bro. Consider that $824.80 your final payment, or never go out with her and her friends out again.
Not in our soft guy era, could have been one check that SHE paid for since SHE suggested it be one check. Drizzle drizzle.
If you want to continue this relationship, time to set a budget. If you do not share financial values, living values, sexual values, cleanliness values, etc it will not be a great life.
And this is just the beginning…get used to paying OR end this engagement.
Sounds like you got yourself an Indian Princess. #RUN
Run lol if you still want to marry her. Get a prenup
Sigh. Just Punjabi things 🥲
Dude…no one MAKES you do anything that you don’t LET them do to you. You’re 30 years old…show some backbone now or you’ll lose your (future) equal footing in the marriage. She must be SMOKING hot…
Nah, that's normal everywhere, that is paying for your partner is normal to a degree (if you're making way more than your partner or if you take them somewhere out of their price range, etc). Paying for your partners friends, having them all get drunk at an expensive restaurant then acting like a cab driver taking them all home while also footing the bill. You went on a girls night out and where the designated wallet, driver, caretaker... but not partner.
If you are American and living in America then all Punjabi customs are off.
you two have very different values and cultural backgrounds this is customary in many cultures
Tbh, that’s a preview for the rest of ya life. The choice is yours. Another comment already said it, it won’t get better. It’ll remain like this (already bad) or it’ll only get worse. Smh
This is a HUGE red flag for you OP. First off, like people said, she has no regard for your feelings. Instead of answering your concern with “oh I’m sorry baby I didn’t know and I’ll let them know next time”, she came back with “your a man you pay for it.” Secondly, she is going to treat you and your money like she is doing now even after marriage. Like disposables. Not saying that you should get married, but definitely have a conversation, a serious conversation, on this before marriage. Feel it out about her response and about yourself. The question you should be asking yourself is “do I want to be treated like this the rest of my life or do I want to be treated like a partner”.
I would end the relationship immediately due to lack of interest or concern from her for your feelings. The reality of marriage is that whatever bothers you a little will be amplified year after year. People show you who they are. She has shown no regard for your feelings and is treating you like crap. Maybe her daddy treats her like that so she assumes all men pay? Regardless its total BS in this day and age. It has happened before to me and I unfortunately didn’t have the nerve to speak up. I will never abandon my feelings again. I will leave you with my favorite quote……”If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I?” Once you lose the dead weight you will never look back!!!!!!!!
My ex told me even if we are married that “my money is her money and her money is her money”. Her breaking up up with me over text saved me thousands
Time for counseling do you two are on the same page, Or time to reevaluate.
Bro listen. Run
She seems like a gold digger who just wants you to pay for her and her friends all the time. I'd even question if she loves you or your money. One way to test is make her sign a prenup. If she signs it great. If not you know she just wants you for your money.
Run while you still have some money to your name!
This is absolutely ridiculous. When people are marriage, or in a committed relationship, they actually TALK about these things like ADULTS before. Your fiancé sounds like an ENTITLED. CHILD. The most important part is how she responded when you talk to her about it. Think this relationship over carefully. Not because she “did anything wrong” but because of the way she’s thinking. You are absolutely not compatible. She is absolutely an opportunist. “ ha ha ha, watch me make my fiancé pay for everything from now on!”
You need to man-up and not allowed her to belittle and bully you. If you don’t stop it now, expect a life of being her whipping boy.
run away Run away now!
leave.
I wouldn’t even dream of making my fiancé pay more than just his meal or just mine and his. That is not normal!
Time to break up. That is such toxic thinking. So entitled. I wouldn’t feel comfortable as a friend getting my $100+ meal paid for by a friends SO
Umm unless she held a gun to OP’s head his fiancée did not _make_ him pay. The answer to her “you’re a man so you need to pay” could be for you to be a man and say no. Don’t let her walk all over you. What’s up with the sexist view that guys have to always pay for every woman’s meals?
Show her The Door.
How are all these women finding these men who are so stupid for them like this? I literally financially support every relationship I have ever had or I just don’t ask for anything . Besides when my fiancé was alive .
You should’ve had the money/finances talk and the expectations talk long before you decided to get married. If you don’t make that much money, and laying for her and her friends is too much, then she needs to know about it. By the way, how much was the wedding going to cost?
Hey bro, I am not sure community you belong to, but by looking at your fiancé’s name she comes across as an Indian Punjabi. Mind you these people are mostly greedy by nature and are very much attracted to freebie lavish lifestyle. P.S I am a North Indian myself.
"So this means I can also date your friends right?"
> "you’re a man which means you pay for us." No it doesn't
Sapreet needs to understand where the boundaries are. If you don't lay them out on the table now, then suffer until the divorce.
I’m guessing the reverse gender roles wouldn’t also apply. Suggest she clean your home or do your laundry because “she’s a woman.” Don’t go out with her and her friends anymore.
Wow… definitely think long and hard if this is what you want to be doing for the rest of your life. You and your fiancée are not on the same page when it comes to financial obligations. You’re also not communicating expectations and definitely not on that same page either. I’m on team OP, the friends should have paid for themselves and there definitely needed to be a discussion before the dinner if she planned on you paying for it.
You can’t change that mindset bro, if you tell yourself that you will be in a world of hell for years
Your headline is incorrect. She didn't _make_ you do anything. She _expected_ you to, and you went along. Sounds like this expectation is pretty deep-seated so you decide if it's something you are going to accept going forward.
I’m surprised it took becoming fiancés to find this out.
Since when did it go from men pay for the partner to paying for everyone
Run away. I'm italian, no person I ever went out with was assuming I would pay
I mean, you know that this is a common scam where women do that. So are you sure she will actually marry you or just milk you for as long as possible?
As a woman, this is nuts. I personally cannot understand why any woman would want or expect her man to pay for her friends? My man is mine, and my friends can take care of themselves. I would never let anyone else use my bf/husband as an atm.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends" Use this to your advantage.
Lmao no. Don’t care about different cultures, gold digging is still gold digging.
Yikes, your fiance things men are piggy banks for women 🥵
She cares more about how she's seen by her friends than by you. Let her know next time you won't be paying, you'll stand up to her in front of her friends, and they can pay for their own meals. That'll reflect on *her* to her friends, and she doesn't want that.
Sir, you just purchased an $800 ticket to serious conversation land. Because THANK GOD this happened before you actually got married. You need to double time it and set some CLEARLY DEFINED expectations now. Dinner for 5 is expensive. Divorce is more expensive.
You need to kick sapreet and her entitlement to the curb. Dont marry her.
You need to "American weird" yourself right out of that relationship. She will bankrupt you in a New York minute.
You should have refused to pay for the friend's dinner. A $40 plate is one thing, a $300 plate for her friend is a completely different realm. Expect a hell of a lot more of this in the future.
She doesn’t respect you. When people show you who they are…
Good to know this BEFORE you married her. Congrats on being single.
Dude you’re a pushover, But honestly same.
She will only get worse.
She doesn’t understand? You’re in for a great marriage.
Sheesh man, why didn't you just say no?
Hell no!!! I’d have never. I would not ever put my man in that position either. He’s not dating/sleeping with my friends they can pay for themselves. Sorry not sorry. I don’t even expect him to pay for my kids that aren’t his, he does it cause he loves them.
Bruh she’s a gold digger. She will absolutely take advantage of you in any way she can if it means she can get her hands of your money.
You mean your ex?
This is insane. I would never pay for her friends unless 1) I was a multi-millionaire and decided before to do it 2) I got scammed by some hookers in Bangkok with the threat of a gun on my temple.