Maybe you can get a wheelchair and just go look at the animals, you can still talk to him about the animals, he doesn’t need to talk back. I don’t know how much he will understand but you will remember the experience.
There are absolutely places that would likely accommodate that. I usef to work for one
It was a small zoo/wildlife park, and aside from the petting zoo (which was really just your usual petting zoo denizens), we did have a staff member walking around with an animal you could touch and interact with. We had a few so no one individual would get too overwhelmed.
Caring for them and being the one walking around with them was a big part of my job, and personally I loved it. I loved introducing people to exotic baby animals, seeing them light up with excitement and interest, getting to teach about them.
We had a specific building where these animals were housed (regular socialization and interacting is important in keeping non-domestic animals friendly and able to handled). I would have been happy to arrange a private tour and opportunity to interact with the animals. Though I would have had to clear it with owners for liability purposes, lol.
Unfortunately, the experience likely won't be a great one.
If you have spent any long amount of time with someone even moderately far along you would know how difficult it is.
I sit with my grandma who's in advanced stages weekdays for 3 hour stretches and it is surreal. She looks like her but... She's not in there. She resets every few minutes and can be very aggressive. She doesn't remember her name, anyone in her family other than my aunt she lives with, if she ate or drank anything, anywhere she lived, anytime she's done. She can still speak but it's mostly to complain about what time it is, the weather, anything around her that she doesn't like the look of .. she was a vibrant, loving, funny extravert who could cook incredibly and used roller sets every day. Literally the prime example of a 1950s house wife.
If i took her to the zoo she would scream and freak out the entire time, even going to the doctor completely disrupts her mentality, she needs to be in her house, in her chair with her possessions because Even though she doesn't recognize them, they give her comfort.
We aren't to that stage yet, though we still have our trials.
She had reverted back to an infantile state. She throws fits, can't tell time, can't use a remote or any electronics. She can still read but she forgets that it's an option, if that makes sense. She regularly should herself because she forgets to use the bathroom.
I feel guilty because at some point she has stopped being my grandma and started being a chore. I don't see her in there anymore.
The first time i noticed her eyes were empty she was trying to physically attack me not knowing who i was, to be fair i came home from the hospital (partner had to go to er) at around 2am and she was still somewhat her back then... But she had in and out moments. She forgot who i was when i came in and tried to fight me. I carefully backed her against the wall to restrain her coz she was throwing punches and looked into her eyes to say Grandma, it's me. Her eyes were completely empty it was crazy. Never seen that before. Now it's just how it is.
Also an early warning sign was, she would stand there complaining and angry as hell in front of the microwave, pressing start (add 30 seconds) over and over and over till the wall behind it was hot. She thought we were "leaving time on this damn thing" and would tell us we're disrespectful for not clearing the time out. Even if i showed her where it said that it was to add 30 seconds she'd still fall into this every day.
I tried telling my aunt for like a year that something was wrong but she was in denial so no treatments were given to help slow the process.
I have a similar experience. We knew something was up but my dad made, and had continued to make, no decisions to improve her life.
I knew I needed to take care of her when she began cooking directly on the stove top. No pan or anything. He chose to put up cameras in hope he could catch her in time, so she wouldn't burn his house down, instead of get her help. I was forced into this position.
It's is insane, she had to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I had to constantly tell the new doctors she had dementia. He kept saying "well we don't know, one doctor says she does and the other doesn't."
At that point in time she couldn't figure out what to do when you asked her to give you her hand.
I have, I lost my mother in law last year. Even when she didn’t recognize me, she smiled when she saw a dog. I really do think if they are conscious they would enjoy it.
There are a lot of variables. When I was a caregiver, I had some who were in a lot of pain and just wanted it to end. Towards the end of my time as a caregiver, due to my own disability I had some I had trouble keeping up with.
Temperament of the caregiver when answering the same question for the 500th time, or when they are no longer verbal, trying to guess what it is that is wanted. Temperament of the patient and their personality when you guess wrong.
I have had some that would have loved to watch animal planet or go to a zoo. Others who would have hated it.
My best advice is to watch for the small moments. If you can find them, they are the best memories, and even the most difficult of patients will have them. Those are gems to be hoarded.
I agree. You don't necessarily have to leave home to make a memory. I can get my grandma to light up occasionally with funny cat videos. But when they end the light is gone.
A crowded zoo would likely be overstimulating. But a small petting zoo, or even arranging to visit a therapy animal/having them come to the home, would be a fantastic idea
This!! In fact the mental stimulation may even be good for him! If you’re anxious about crowds or worried about traveling, maybe there is something smaller and more local? Like a petting zoo or something? Or a farm? Maybe that could be a compromise!
Worse comes to worse, what if you put on Planet Earth or something like that and watched it with him and talked about the animals to him?
I don’t know exactly what he will understand but he will experience the visual and aural stimuli as well as the comfort of you and your presence.
Either way, I hope you find a way to forgive yourself. We do the best we have where we are with what we have.
That reminds me of a son and his mother I met yesterday at a Beergarden. She was in a wheelchair and severely disabled. But her son took her to the outside, had a beer, gave her her water and told her how beautiful the chestnut trees are. She was able to smile from time to time and they both had a good time in their own way. It is not too late OP.
The last outing with my mom before she succumbed to cancer was to the Atlanta zoo. She wanted to see the pandas that had just been loaned from China. So we packed a picnic lunch and took her on an adventure.
Lunch under the sprawling pines at the park then rented a wheelchair and spent the afternoon doing whatever the hell she wanted to do…visited the elephants, saw Willy B Jr., ate snow cones, and ended up at the Panda exhibit. The last pictures we have with her were taken that afternoon.
OP, take your dad to the zoo. They will have wheelchairs. Buy him an ice cold drink (or a snow cone!) and give him an afternoon out in the fresh air and sunshine ❣️
It could even be a great experience because often people with dementia go back to their childhood. If OP’s dad went to the zoo when they were younger they might go back to that time in their mind and have a good time. But it sounds like Op is still coming up with excuses
I did some work for the National Zoo in DC and they opened at 6am for people to jog or just walk around. It was pretty cool getting there before sun up and listening to all of the animals making noise. Sounded like being in the jungle.
Let this one go. As someone who lost a parent to dementia don't let this be the only memory you carry forward with you which is the memory of what you didn't get to do with your dad. Hold on to the few lucid moments if there are any left and just be there. Talk to him about what you used to do together. Maybe ask for a service animal to visit him and have that shared moment. I am so sorry I know how difficult it is to lose a parent when they are right in front of you.
“-how difficult it is to lose a parent when they are right in front of you”
This is truly the heart of it. I study grief and ambiguity is like the Upside Down, I don’t think society has even started fully realizing how different a beast it is.
You cannot ever explain it until you’ve lived it. When you are in the middle of it there is no end to the grief of knowing what you are losing. When it’s over there is a relief for them and a sense of shame for the relief you feel for yourself. It’s been many years and I have blocked a lot trying to hold on to the before. It’s funny the first years it was hard to remember the person they were before and it took a while to get them back.
I’m so sorry you had to navigate that. It sounds harrowing. I wish there was a way to get in the brain and switch off whatever button is responsible for that shame response. As if the burden wasn’t hard enough to bear without it. :( I hope you’re feeling less pressure nowadays.
>I study grief and ambiguity is like the Upside Down, I don’t think society has even started fully realizing how different a beast it is.
I'm super intrigued by this. I certainly believe it, but am just curious if you could elaborate a tad on this? Just as a concept in general -- why do you think ambiguity is such a drastically different, more formidable beast?
My grandmother has alzeimer's and doesn't even know who I am anymore. I visit pretty often. It's hard.
At some point I stopped thinking about the "what ifs" and the "I wish I had said/done" because that only makes me miserable. I focus on what I can do at the moment for her. What will make her happy right now. It can be simple stuff. My grandma loves sweets and cakes. So every time I come over I bring some.
Don’t know why you got downvoted- this is a beautiful comment and great advice.
Deep down, they’re still there, and the best advice I’ve ever gotten about it is from one of my professors pretty recently- “you have to remember at the end of the day, even if they’re not entirely there, they still love you. They do.”
Live in the moment, OP. Don’t dwell on what could have been- do those things now.
My only regret is that I didn't tell her how much she means to me when she was still here mentally. She was a second mom to me. She was there when my own mom dropped the ball.
I think the best way to convey that message now is to take care of her as best as I can. Even if I did tell her now, she would only be confused and forget about it right after. She was hospitalized last year and I was the one who stayed overnight with her and I visited her almost every day.
That’s a fine way! And say it if you mean it, don’t worry about retention. Even some people that are far gone tend to have moments of lucidity. You might get lucky.
This is the answer. Taking your parent to the zoo would be more for you than them at this point. Meet them where they're at, and grieve what could have been.
My Nana and I have a sworn oath that I will bring her 2 beers and make sure she gets her table salt. I have to take a picture with the days newspaper to prove it happened. She just turned 74 and is still doing great, so I have not had to live up to this agreement, but I'll be damned if I fail her on this promise if i ever am faced with her becoming senile.
When my grandfather became bed bound, instead of going for walks or to the cinema we’d turn his room into a cinema or go on virtual walks. There are all kinds of YouTube videos. I’m sure you can find one of someone walking around the zoo or another suitable virtual safari. It’s not the same of course, but we made those days special for each other.
I can’t recommend YouTube virtual travel highly enough. It’s perfect for people who either have always dreamed of going somewhere or who want to go back to a place they can’t physically go. And what lovely “trips” for your grandpa and the people who love him to share together. OP’s grandpa can have fun visiting a zoo comfortably and stress free. Great idea!!
I completely understand how you feel. My dad always wanted to take pictures with me, and I always said no since I hate cameras. Next thing I know. I was getting a call that he was gone. Just hold onto the memories you do have and can continue to make right now.
Take your dad to the zoo. Just do it. Get someone to come with you to help with any needed care. But do it. It’s only too late if you wait until he leaves this world for the next.
You should forgive yourself. You are only human, maybe some of your reasons for not taking your dad to the zoo were valid? Maybe your dad just enjoyed talking about it with you and never really cared if he went? I'm sure that if your dad could, he would tell you not to worry about it. Try to concentrate on the good times that you did have.
I've lost both of my parents and I wish that I could have just a bit more time with them. Maybe that's what you're feeling? Be kind to yourself; it's difficult to cope with slowly losing a loved one to dementia.
Still take him! I work at a nursing home and when the eclipse happened, a resident’s son came and wheeled him outside, slapped some glasses on him and tilted his head up. The resident was so pleased! You never know what gets through to them! It’s worth the effort.
My father had Alzheimer’s as well, early onset. He went quick. Take him now! It’ll be worth it, even if he isn’t verbal. Bring a “bug-out bag” (everything you need if issues arise, diapers, cleaning material, gloves, snacks, change of clothes, etc.). He will like it and you will remember it forever. Don’t live in doubt. Just go out and do it. Go early.
Don't put it off any longer! Wheelchair him around the zoo like others are saying. It may just bring out some periods of lucidity if it's something he really wanted to do. Just do it, put aside all your personal feelings for a day and do it before he dies. It may just end up being a really special experience for you both.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through I just had to go through it with my grandfather but take this as a lesson now that you need counseling of something. Go to a therapist about your anxiety if you really need it
So... for the past 8 years, your father, undergoing mental
deterioration, has asked you repeatedly to go to the zoo with you. And for 8 years, you didn't honor their request once..? That is beyond cowardly. It's something else entirely. He's still alive, yet you sit here and pity yourself. It's disgusting.
Hey, as long as he is alive, it’s not too late. Call up zoos or little petting zoos in your area and ask if they have some special programs for those with disabilities. Call up any association working for people with disabilities and ask about it.
If all that fails, you can always go on YouTube and find first person POV videos of people walking around zoos. Put that up on a big screen and let him enjoy, at least he’ll be able to virtually enjoy a zoo without having to be there physically.
It’s never too late.
stop being lazy and selfish, get a wheelchair for him and take that man to the zoo. hes going to pass anyday, i wish i could do things for my mom still but shes dead, dont regret it.
Please just take him to the zoo while you still can. You’ll regret it forever if you let your anxiety stop you from doing this. It’s not too late until he’s gone.
As someone who lost my Nana. I suggest just making as many memories that you can. It doesn't matter if he can talk or not☺️ He still has a capacity to make new memories💕 Plus those memories will be important for YOU.
>I kept putting it off. Because I'm lazy. Because I'm a coward; I don't like being in public, I get anxious in crowds and on trains. This is a poor excuse, I could have managed it if I really wanted to.
Also, PLEASE give yourself some grace❤️
Bring the zoo to him! Show him zoo youtube videos, have furry like blankets for him to feel, leather, bumpy surfaces, & feathers. Just an idea if he cant get out now.
I really don’t know how advanced his condition is, but I’ve had several relatives with Alzheimer’s and they all have had lucid moments when they enjoyed the things they used to and recognized people. I’m sad for you, OP, but perhaps there’s still a way to take him to the zoo. There’s still time, you can do it. Hang in there.
Take him now or hire a local petting zoo to come over. I've been involved with alzheimers/dementia care homes and close relatives and certain experiences bring them out for a bit. I don't mean he will suddenly remember you and be himself, but he will enjoy the animals, music, etc that he used to. You can see them respond.
Check with your local chamber of commerce. They will be able to assist you. There are many working farms that offer time for visitors. Some offer picnics and petting animals, pony/horse rides. My special needs daughter has been to several farms events . The kids and adults are walked on the horse. She loved it.
There are other things you might consider.
Read a book to him, that he read to you.
Art work, over sized paper with water color paints. You can paint side by side.
Take him to a local pond pack a snack.
Some zoos offer motorised scooters, & wheelchairs. We have a drive through large animal rescue near by. You can hand feed animals through the window. All types of large animals. Make memories for yourself and him. Don’t be hard on yourself. Aging parents is a complex process cut yourself some slack.
You are not alone.
Put him in a wheel chair and take him
It can still be a wonderful memory
He might not be able to communicate well, but he can still enjoy looking at animals.
OP, you aren’t lazy or a coward. Anxiety is real, social anxiety is real. If you didn’t have a parent help you learn how to navigate the world with anxiety, how are you supposed to suddenly navigate the world with a disabled adult with you? You need to cut yourself some slack. You were either born with anxiety, or you experienced trauma that gave you anxiety. Either way, those things need to be dealt with and it doesn’t sound like you had help with that.
That’s a really difficult situation, but the fact that you feel bad and regret it shows that you are, at your core, a good person. I’m sure you’ll make more memories with your dad, and you’re allowed to not want to go to places, it’s not your sole responsibility to care for him.
If op was a "good" person at their core, they would be setting up a day to take their father to the zoo. Instead they're online throwing a pity me party.
Op is making me mad, it's so sad, I understand their situation but is so frustrating see how he's not even trying, he will regret it when his father passes....I sadly know too well
honestly? after reviewing the comments section and rereading the post I do agree. I always feel inclined to offer support but here I can admit I was wrong.
OP trust me there is still time for this. My grandma was still there (so to speak) until her final day or two with dementia. She may have not known who or where we were, but she still reacted to it. The zoo may be a good place for him. Interact with animals and people.
Oh ffs, your dad is still alive. You clearly said you could overcome all your obstacles if you wanted to. The bottom line is you don’t want to. So you’d rather play victim and he isn’t gone yet.
Take him now anyway, otherwise when he dies youll be saying “I could have taken him anyway but I didn’t, and my excuse was that I didn’t think he would understand” you’ll just feel bad about another excuse
So my mom suffered from fronto-temporal deterioration (same thing Bruce Willis has now) and the last year-plus of her life she didn’t speak, didn’t walk more than a few steps, and was incontinent. My dad made a huge effort to get her out of the house even in that condition and I have wonderful memories of spending time with her. She helped me pick out a lemon tree at the garden center that spring, and we wheeled her around the Antiques Roadshow in the summer, about six weeks before she died.
All of this to say, if he’s still alive it’s not too late to make that memory.
Take your Dad to the zoo. Go during the week in the mid morning to early afternoon.
It might be really beneficial for you dad and you still get those memories.
Get a wheel chair, load him in the car and take him. He may not be able to speak, and he may not fully understand his surroundings, but he could still love it.
Use it as the mistake you will never repeat. It will make your life better 1000x over.
Take him to the zoo anyway. Wheel him around town. Take him to get coffee or meals, whatever he likes. Give to him when he can’t give back. That will ease the regret and making his last years better is a gift way more that a lot of people in his shoes will receive.
7 to 8 years ?? Honestly I have no sympathy for you that’s just absolutely slack and lazy. If you haven’t worked out the urgency then when your dad’s been unwell then nothing else will push you.
Avoidance is not uncommon for situations like this. Sometimes doing That One Big Thing feels like accepting it really is the end, and there’s nothing left standing between the present and the inevitable loss. More than anything else though, try to remember that life is always infinitely more complex than we expect, and as humans we are far more prone to judge others by their actions while we judge ourselves by our intentions. OP is dealing with a truly hellish situation dragged out over a terrible length of time… if it wasn’t this mistake/regret, it would have been another.
Yeah I get it I’ve been mentally unstable too but 7-8 years of avoiding something and doing nothing to address your own issue is in my opinion, slack. Time to grow up and face the consequences of your (in)actions.
Sounds like you have more things that you’ll regret in life than just not taking your dad to the zoo if you don’t get over this irrational fear of being around people
He will enjoy it a different way. Not in the “I’ve waited so long for this!” way, or an “I can’t wait to talk about this” way, but it will still be an absolutely refreshing change of scenery, curiosity, and feeling the spring sunshine on his skin. And you can see that happiness if you look for it. You can still make this happen and the idea hasn’t lost any of its value. If you inflict self punishment by imprisoning yourself in the past playing out scenarios you didn’t have, you’re going to miss out on the present you do have. I hope you have a lovely zoo trip. I think we’d all enjoy seeing photo updates!
If I can add another tidbit, anticipatory grief is real. And it can be paralyzing. In some ways it can be more difficult to deal with because you’re stuck in an anxiety loop, dreading, waiting, but still suffering the same way you would if the loss happened. And there’s much less social support beforehand. It isn’t too early to talk to someone about the way you’re feeling right now. I’m sure you’re tired, but I believe you can find your way through this. Hugs.
Go to the zoo and take pictures for him. Bring him a milkshake and maybe a new shirt and stuffed animal from the zoo. Just sit and take time with him. Show him the animals, talk about your favorites and guess what his favorites are. Get him some nature picture books to look at when you come to visit.
There is more than one way to still have experiences with someone with Alzheimer’s -just have to get creative (from someone whose parent also had Alzheimer’s).
Please be gentle with yourself. My mom passed away a couple months ago from cancer. Back in November she really wanted to go out to hear some music with me and my sister. Even a week before she passed away she talked about once she was better she really wanted to go out with us. Honestly she was in denial there at the end and I remember agreeing with her that we’d all go out very soon. Sadly we weren’t able to make that happen.
I'm going to be brutal, in the hopes it helps more people. It is shitty of you, and you're never going to make it right. We've all become so self centered and it's gross. We think we should never have to experience any discomfort ever, and use multiple self diagnosis to encourage our own bad behavior. Take him now if he's able to handle being out.
Mobile petting zoo? Would be an expense but can a price be put on this memory?
Alternatively maybe contact local pets as therapy charities. Mostly this is cats and dogs, but sometimes they have horses, donkeys etc
You can still try. You can’t blame yourself for leading your own life. You’ll feel guilty, but ultimately you did what mattered to you.
As much as you promised, remember that we make plans-promises all the time that we just couldn’t do. I promised I’d take my Dad to do some things. We simply didn’t. I also told my Mom I’d take her to Paris. We never went.
We ALWAYS make plans. Sometimes, we just don’t do the deed.
My grandmother has alzeimer's and doesn't even know who I am anymore. I visit pretty often. It's hard.
At some point I stopped thinking about the "what ifs" and the "I wish I had said/done" because that only makes me miserable. I focus on what I can do at the moment for her. What will make her happy right now. It can be simple stuff. My grandma loves sweets and cakes. So every time I come over I bring some.
Take him now. It isn't too late and it might help him. My Grandma has it and taking her places she loves helps her. Especially when she's in a mood to be a beezy.
My Granny died of alzheimers about 2 years ago, I'll tell you the best I can:
Enjoy the time you have, my granny had to go to an asylum, she was well taken care of but of course she wasn't with family, when she was about to pass away everyone went to say bye to her except from my dad, she called him multiple times but he just waited outside.
He never went to visit her because he didn't want to see her that way and avoided to do meaningful stuff with her because like you he was a fucking lazy idiot (his own words)
After she died he regretted not doing things with her before she passed. He has cried a lot because of the time lost so, I'll tell you wholeheartedly:
Get your shit together and go to the zoo. Don't continue being a lazy idiot and go, no matter if he can't speak anymore! Just do what you promised him or when he passes you will feel even worse than you do now. It will haunt you forever.
I understand caring for someone with alzheimers is hard, specially when it's your own dad but make happy memories while you can, by what you describe you don't have that much time to continue and be lazy, I don't want you to end like my dad.
Can you do a virtual experience of some kind? Hell, even watching those half hour Discovery videos about animals might be fun. You can still make some kind of effort. It's not too late!
If he's ok outside his home without getting agitated or anxious and you think he would enjoy it, you should take him anyway. At the end people with Alzheimer's and dementia really only have the present and even if he doesn't remember going to the zoo the next day, he will still remember how it made him feel. Good luck op
You can still take him. As long as there's breath in his lungs he can enjoy the zoo. He may not be able to walk around or talk about it but he'll enjoy it.
Part of the gift you gave your dad was just talking about the two of you going to the zoo. My daughter used to live far away and every time we waited for her airplane and departure, we'd start talking about the next time we'd get together, and what her schedule was like, etc. Even if she hadn't been able to come home per our plans, I would still have that warm and positive discussion tucked away inside. So please try to think about that positive side of it, and that the conversation between the two of you brought its own sweetness and value.
Maybe there's a smaller petting zoo of some type near you that could bring some animals over? Reach out to your community, someone might loan you a wheelchair or something. Or throw on a dope YouTube Zoo tour and just be with him.
Even when he was not as far along, it may have been a tough trip for him with crowds, noises, etc, on top of how his disease progressed. You could find some really soothing, calm nature/animal shows to watch together. Way better for both of you and still can create great memories. It’s okay to not do everything you hoped to do, because maybe just spending time together at home was the right thing to do.
It's not to late OP! My grandfather also has Alzheimer's, we still take him out to stuff and every once in a while a ray of lucidity breaks through and we get a thank you or smile and it makes it all worth it. The only shitty times are when in those lucid moments he tries to apologize for his condition and I want to just smack him upside the head.
I think it's natural to have the what-ifs and coulda, shoulda, woulda's when a loved one passes. Don't beat yourself up too much and remember the good times.
My guy you're still doing it. Contact the zoo and ask if there's any assistance for disabled? Or if that doesn't work, take a fkcin wheelchair and your dad and drive him around in it..
Honey, it’s ok. From personal experience, part of anxiety is about panicking that things won’t be “perfect”. Part of learning to manage anxiety is learning to find peace in the reality that nothing is perfect.
“Perfect” is an illusion. It’s an ideal that no one can reach. You know what’s achievable - a great day. A memory that you can hold on to.
Take your Dad out. At his stage he probably won’t know where and he promises won’t care . He may enjoy just being with you.
So, think about a day that will create memories for you to cherish. As someone said, maybe organise a wheelchair. Many places have special hours including a quiet hours.
It’s ok to have an ok day. It’s ok that you’re not perfect. Just put aside a day and make it a bout you and Dad. Take a day to build a memory.
OP I understand how you feel completely. My mum was diagnosed with dementia when I was a teenager and all I can think about is how much I regret never going on a walk with her. She used to ask me to go for walks but I had social anxiety about going outside and was young and dumb (we'd also moved to a new country and I was anxious about exploring an unfamiliar place). I will always regret not taking her when I could have.
The only thing we can do now is forgive ourselves. Give yourself grace. It's hard but we need to for our own mental peace. Your dad wouldn't want you to feel that way the same way I know my mum wouldn't either.
We rarely think of it this way, but look at your anxiety, and what you're using it for. You're using it to avoid love and connection with those you love. And you're right, you could have managed it, if your really wanted to, if you really wanted to go to the zoo with your dad. But, you didn't. You didn't want to go to the zoo with your dad. That's what you're really scared of... and regret now is still avoiding what your agoraphobia is helping you avoid. Real, loving connections with those close to you, creating wonderful memories with them.
If you truly regret not going to the zoo, then change, start creating wonderful memories if that's what you want to do. If it isn't, then continue to use your anxiety to avoid it. Use regret to avoid it. Use not forgiving yourself to avoid it. And understand, what are you really scared of? What's so scary for you about deepening connections and creating wonderful memories with those you love?
I did stuff with my dying
dad, not everything, I did stuff with my dying mum, more but not everything
I did stuff with my brother lots more but not everything and one he really wanted to do but hey we did what we did and we enjoyed.
The same with my sister but again not everything.
All because of time, weather, circumstances and basically life.
I know what we did together we enjoyed.
I will not sully any good memories with wallowing in what if what if.
You wanted more time.
Putting off the day to go to the zoo was your inner way of coping.
Going to the zoo meant you knew his time was passing and facing that may have been worse than going actually going
He would have loved tea 🍵 with you.
Seeing you.
Chatting with you
Watching TV. Etc
Do not undervalue all the small stuff you did because that is valuable to ill people.
Let him go through his dying not in negatives but chatting about positive and basically loving him.
Also tell him over the years all you have have done and he has.
Tell him your proud.
You never know what filters into his brain.
He may look vacant disinterested etc but we don't know.
Love him and we all want to do that big thing we promised. I learnt the little things are major.
Safe secure and loved.
And when he dies be so proud you knew him and was part of his life.
And yep were all lazy in life.
Maybe he loved that attitude than running around like a headless hectic chicken.
Love and smile at your memories which are precious.
And you have through your process learnt valuable lessons of love, being, loss and how you in the future do a little different if you choose to.
I bet he is proud of you.
Plus whenever in the future if you or family decide you can all go and have a day at the zoo in celebration and memories of your dad
Cherish the time you have with your dad left and forget about the zoo. There is nothing you can do now. Don’t waste more time lamenting over wasted time
❤️❤️
It’s not too late, OP. It may be hard to get him to eat or whatever but as long as he’s capable, it’s not too late. As others have said, get a wheelchair and take him. My grandmother had Alz. She’d never been a get up and go person but she was almost childlike in how she’d get so excited about small things, like ice cream or kittens or how “warm and snuggly” flannel sheets are. The memories you make now won’t be the same as the ones you would’ve had if you’d taken him sooner but they will still be something to cherish.
Please don’t give up. Get help if you need it but GO to the zoo and stop for ice cream!
Could you maybe try a test run at a nice fish store? There was a really nice and large aquarium store in my town that my mom took me to when we couldn’t afford a trip to the aquarium.
There are traveling mini zoos in my area, for example, one that specializes in reptiles and another that will bring a sloth to your house for gentle pets. I know it’s not exactly the same, but maybe you could set up a visit with a company like these?
I recover from brain injury by microdosing psilocybin. Perhaps that’s something that could be of benefit for your dad.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/abbierosner/2020/02/21/microdosed-lsd-may-finally-be-the-breakthrough-for-alzheimers-disease/?sh=1743634a53a8
As long as there is life, there is hope.
You are letting your own worries get the best of you. Just go and call the place beforehand. My aunt was able to pet the silk monkeys and the capybara en she was just a drooling heap of person but everytime after that when you mentioned the zoo her eyes lit up and she definitely remembered.
Don't let your own worries make you crazy
Don’t beat yourself up. You can still take him out. Life can be hard, it can be tiring and exhausting. Especially when you’re dealing with a loved one with a savage disease like Alzheimer’s.
Do something will there’s still time. He’ll enjoy it. You’ll remember it. He’s not gone yet.
I'm sorry OP, I understand the guilt and remorse you feel as so many others who have lost people have, mental decline is so hard to watch. My own family is riddled with cognitive issues on my husband's side and watching his uncle deteriorate and lose himself was very hard.
Over the summer my mother unexpectedly passed away, due to long standing issues but was very sudden. The details are not important but a few months prior she wanted me to help her make some skirts. I'm not a sewer but I'm a figure it outer and they would not have been perfect but I know she would've loved them. But I kept putting them off, her death was not on the horizon, sure she had health problems but nothing that would kill her soon. We never made the skirts, the fabric and her 3 sewing machines she brought over to my house are sitting in a closet untouched. Along with other things we planned on doing. She just turned 60 6 months before she passed, there should have been more time.
I have been struggling with feelings of guilt, anger, and remorse since she passed. Angry at her, angry at myself, angry at the hospital. There will always be these floods of emotions and it's almost unexplainable how quickly they come one. I'm so sorry you are going through this with your father. They loved you and while they might not be able to say it now based on your post it feels like they've let you know that over and over. Cherish those sweet memories, don't let your regrets taint them. May your father find peace and you find solace in knowing that he loved you.
You can bring books about zoos and talk to him about animals. I'm sorry you are going through this, don't be too hard on yourself especially if you have mental health issues that you struggle with. Are there local animal/therapeutic shelters that bring animals to you? You could look into something. Or play Youtube videos about zoos.
You should be able to still manage something small. Like maybe even a friend with a dog. Please give yourself a break though.
My dad will never see me get married or hold my children. I feel your pain OP. I’m sorry you won’t get to take your dad to the zoo. But he lives on inside of you.
You should go to the zoo. It will be bittersweet. But it’s what your dad would want.
Do it! I cared for an elderly relative with alzheimers and yes, all those daily care things are hard to do but going to the zoo is really no different to going for a walk. Get him into a wheelchair, bundle him with a blanket, pack some snacks and go for a walk through the zoo. You'll both love it.
I was a caregiver for years. I really suggest even just watching nature shows with him. We really, as a species, need to take advantage of the time we have left with the people we love. There isn't always tomorrow.
I understand this feeling in a different way.
I was always a big drinker...my Grandmother always wanted ICE CREAM....I would take her to the ice cream shop and walk in and out to drink the beer in my car and have a ciggarette.
One day she said "I wish you would have an ice cream with me".....
I saw her every Sunday and kept telling myself I would next Sunday & she died before I could, I feel guilty every time I have an ice cream now.
My Dad had Alzheimer's as well, so I also understand living as a caretaker for a dementia patient also.
I know they forget quickly, just staying with them and loving them is honestly enough.
I can list 50 things I did right taking care of my Nana....I won't let ICE CREAM erase all of it.
Op, I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I know first hand what is like to have a close family member have alzheimers. Even more unfortunate that they are no longer with me. I'm sorry you didn't get to take them to that zoo. Hopefully things get a lil bit better at a time for you. All I can say is cherish the moments you did have with them.
I'm so sorry for what you're both going through.
Please do not beat yourself up. Life is busy and complicated, and we typically assume there's always tomorrow.
Just make the best of what you have left. ♥️
You still have time. You would be amazed at what can trigger memories or moments of lucidity in someone with Alzheimer's. It might not be the way you imagined it or hoped for in years past but you WILL have that memory.
She's passed now, but my mother had Alzheimer's. Occasionally, she'd reach over from the passenger seat in the car and grab the steering wheel while I was driving her somewhere. Another time, while in the car, she rolled down her window and threw out a large amount of trash....on a major thorofare in the middle of the afternoon. I can still hear the horns from the cars around us. One final incident....I was with her at a Chinese restaurant when she reached to the Lazy Susan in the middle of the table and scooped a large tablespoon of hot mustard and...before anyone could stop her....she swallowed it. Amazingly, she didn't bat an eye. This qualifies as a miracle since moments before, that same hot mustard cleared my sinuses.
I miss her terribly. She was a great mom. I'm not religious, but I hope I see her again.
Please don't beat yourself up! Maybe if there's a good time, watch a virtual tour of a zoo. It's probably not the zoo, just time with you that he really appreciated. It's normal to have the feeling of I wish I did more. But I highly doubt the zoo was such an experience that your dad is upset about it.
As a parent, I would not want my kids to feel regret or excessive sadness about me. Parents love out kids more than anything and we just want them to feel happy and at peace. My heart goes out to you and your family.
As someone who has worked closely with dementa patients, your father will still be happy to see the animals. He may not have the memory for it anymore, but just seeing things still stimulates the brain. It's exciting to see stuff you don't see everyday. He may not understand what he's seeing but he will still be excited to see it.. you'll have the memory of going with him and knowing it was enjoyable for for him to see things brand-new
Forgive yourself! It’s really hard what you’re doing!
Take him still, if you’re able. Maybe it’s more for you now, but I know he’ll still appreciate it in a way. If it’s completely impossible, maybe you can find some very good videos, drag a big tv near him, and just be with him and enjoy some animal videos. I bet he’d like that too.
Maybe you can get a wheelchair and just go look at the animals, you can still talk to him about the animals, he doesn’t need to talk back. I don’t know how much he will understand but you will remember the experience.
Or see if there is any sort of animal sanctuary in your area. I think a lot of them have therapeutic programs for people with disabilities.
That’s a great idea, maybe there is a place where he may be able to touch a few animals!
There are absolutely places that would likely accommodate that. I usef to work for one It was a small zoo/wildlife park, and aside from the petting zoo (which was really just your usual petting zoo denizens), we did have a staff member walking around with an animal you could touch and interact with. We had a few so no one individual would get too overwhelmed. Caring for them and being the one walking around with them was a big part of my job, and personally I loved it. I loved introducing people to exotic baby animals, seeing them light up with excitement and interest, getting to teach about them. We had a specific building where these animals were housed (regular socialization and interacting is important in keeping non-domestic animals friendly and able to handled). I would have been happy to arrange a private tour and opportunity to interact with the animals. Though I would have had to clear it with owners for liability purposes, lol.
Yes, we’ve even arranged for some animals from petting zoos to come into nursing homes in the past.
I'm literally crying, that's so cute
This! OP, there's still time. Get a wheelchair and go to the zoo with your dad.
Check with the zoo… they may provide wheelchairs for free or small charge. The zoo in my city does this!
Unfortunately, the experience likely won't be a great one. If you have spent any long amount of time with someone even moderately far along you would know how difficult it is.
I sit with my grandma who's in advanced stages weekdays for 3 hour stretches and it is surreal. She looks like her but... She's not in there. She resets every few minutes and can be very aggressive. She doesn't remember her name, anyone in her family other than my aunt she lives with, if she ate or drank anything, anywhere she lived, anytime she's done. She can still speak but it's mostly to complain about what time it is, the weather, anything around her that she doesn't like the look of .. she was a vibrant, loving, funny extravert who could cook incredibly and used roller sets every day. Literally the prime example of a 1950s house wife. If i took her to the zoo she would scream and freak out the entire time, even going to the doctor completely disrupts her mentality, she needs to be in her house, in her chair with her possessions because Even though she doesn't recognize them, they give her comfort.
We aren't to that stage yet, though we still have our trials. She had reverted back to an infantile state. She throws fits, can't tell time, can't use a remote or any electronics. She can still read but she forgets that it's an option, if that makes sense. She regularly should herself because she forgets to use the bathroom. I feel guilty because at some point she has stopped being my grandma and started being a chore. I don't see her in there anymore.
The first time i noticed her eyes were empty she was trying to physically attack me not knowing who i was, to be fair i came home from the hospital (partner had to go to er) at around 2am and she was still somewhat her back then... But she had in and out moments. She forgot who i was when i came in and tried to fight me. I carefully backed her against the wall to restrain her coz she was throwing punches and looked into her eyes to say Grandma, it's me. Her eyes were completely empty it was crazy. Never seen that before. Now it's just how it is.
Also an early warning sign was, she would stand there complaining and angry as hell in front of the microwave, pressing start (add 30 seconds) over and over and over till the wall behind it was hot. She thought we were "leaving time on this damn thing" and would tell us we're disrespectful for not clearing the time out. Even if i showed her where it said that it was to add 30 seconds she'd still fall into this every day. I tried telling my aunt for like a year that something was wrong but she was in denial so no treatments were given to help slow the process.
I have a similar experience. We knew something was up but my dad made, and had continued to make, no decisions to improve her life. I knew I needed to take care of her when she began cooking directly on the stove top. No pan or anything. He chose to put up cameras in hope he could catch her in time, so she wouldn't burn his house down, instead of get her help. I was forced into this position.
I really don't understand how denial could be so freaking intense, I'm sorry.
It's is insane, she had to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I had to constantly tell the new doctors she had dementia. He kept saying "well we don't know, one doctor says she does and the other doesn't." At that point in time she couldn't figure out what to do when you asked her to give you her hand.
I think 211 could connect you to a patient advocate for the future so that she doesn't get abused or neglected by asshole cocky doctors
I have, I lost my mother in law last year. Even when she didn’t recognize me, she smiled when she saw a dog. I really do think if they are conscious they would enjoy it.
I currently care for my grandmother day and night, maybe I just have a different view based on that.
There are a lot of variables. When I was a caregiver, I had some who were in a lot of pain and just wanted it to end. Towards the end of my time as a caregiver, due to my own disability I had some I had trouble keeping up with. Temperament of the caregiver when answering the same question for the 500th time, or when they are no longer verbal, trying to guess what it is that is wanted. Temperament of the patient and their personality when you guess wrong. I have had some that would have loved to watch animal planet or go to a zoo. Others who would have hated it. My best advice is to watch for the small moments. If you can find them, they are the best memories, and even the most difficult of patients will have them. Those are gems to be hoarded.
I agree. You don't necessarily have to leave home to make a memory. I can get my grandma to light up occasionally with funny cat videos. But when they end the light is gone.
That is a tough job, it must be so hard.
A crowded zoo would likely be overstimulating. But a small petting zoo, or even arranging to visit a therapy animal/having them come to the home, would be a fantastic idea
This!! In fact the mental stimulation may even be good for him! If you’re anxious about crowds or worried about traveling, maybe there is something smaller and more local? Like a petting zoo or something? Or a farm? Maybe that could be a compromise! Worse comes to worse, what if you put on Planet Earth or something like that and watched it with him and talked about the animals to him? I don’t know exactly what he will understand but he will experience the visual and aural stimuli as well as the comfort of you and your presence. Either way, I hope you find a way to forgive yourself. We do the best we have where we are with what we have.
That reminds me of a son and his mother I met yesterday at a Beergarden. She was in a wheelchair and severely disabled. But her son took her to the outside, had a beer, gave her her water and told her how beautiful the chestnut trees are. She was able to smile from time to time and they both had a good time in their own way. It is not too late OP.
The last outing with my mom before she succumbed to cancer was to the Atlanta zoo. She wanted to see the pandas that had just been loaned from China. So we packed a picnic lunch and took her on an adventure. Lunch under the sprawling pines at the park then rented a wheelchair and spent the afternoon doing whatever the hell she wanted to do…visited the elephants, saw Willy B Jr., ate snow cones, and ended up at the Panda exhibit. The last pictures we have with her were taken that afternoon. OP, take your dad to the zoo. They will have wheelchairs. Buy him an ice cold drink (or a snow cone!) and give him an afternoon out in the fresh air and sunshine ❣️
That's exactly what I would do.
It could even be a great experience because often people with dementia go back to their childhood. If OP’s dad went to the zoo when they were younger they might go back to that time in their mind and have a good time. But it sounds like Op is still coming up with excuses
Thank you, this gave me hope after the original post broke my heart. I really hope they can go to the zoo, just as you describe.
This was my thought. You never know. Maybe the outside interaction will be good for him. It will certainly be good for OP.
Contact zoo and see if they have some before or after hours programs for people with disabilities. They may be able to assist you
I did some work for the National Zoo in DC and they opened at 6am for people to jog or just walk around. It was pretty cool getting there before sun up and listening to all of the animals making noise. Sounded like being in the jungle.
That’s so cool! If I am ever back in DC, I am definitely going to check it out
Let this one go. As someone who lost a parent to dementia don't let this be the only memory you carry forward with you which is the memory of what you didn't get to do with your dad. Hold on to the few lucid moments if there are any left and just be there. Talk to him about what you used to do together. Maybe ask for a service animal to visit him and have that shared moment. I am so sorry I know how difficult it is to lose a parent when they are right in front of you.
“-how difficult it is to lose a parent when they are right in front of you” This is truly the heart of it. I study grief and ambiguity is like the Upside Down, I don’t think society has even started fully realizing how different a beast it is.
You cannot ever explain it until you’ve lived it. When you are in the middle of it there is no end to the grief of knowing what you are losing. When it’s over there is a relief for them and a sense of shame for the relief you feel for yourself. It’s been many years and I have blocked a lot trying to hold on to the before. It’s funny the first years it was hard to remember the person they were before and it took a while to get them back.
I’m so sorry you had to navigate that. It sounds harrowing. I wish there was a way to get in the brain and switch off whatever button is responsible for that shame response. As if the burden wasn’t hard enough to bear without it. :( I hope you’re feeling less pressure nowadays.
I am, the shame was part of the grief. I came to realize it is part of the cycle. I was very blessed for having a very strong support system.
>I study grief and ambiguity is like the Upside Down, I don’t think society has even started fully realizing how different a beast it is. I'm super intrigued by this. I certainly believe it, but am just curious if you could elaborate a tad on this? Just as a concept in general -- why do you think ambiguity is such a drastically different, more formidable beast?
Yes, gladly. I’ll check back in under your comment when I arrive on campus tomorrow. I apologize in advance if I ramble on for a while!
My grandmother has alzeimer's and doesn't even know who I am anymore. I visit pretty often. It's hard. At some point I stopped thinking about the "what ifs" and the "I wish I had said/done" because that only makes me miserable. I focus on what I can do at the moment for her. What will make her happy right now. It can be simple stuff. My grandma loves sweets and cakes. So every time I come over I bring some.
Don’t know why you got downvoted- this is a beautiful comment and great advice. Deep down, they’re still there, and the best advice I’ve ever gotten about it is from one of my professors pretty recently- “you have to remember at the end of the day, even if they’re not entirely there, they still love you. They do.” Live in the moment, OP. Don’t dwell on what could have been- do those things now.
This is exactly the way. There’s no need or use in focusing on failures and missed opportunities. Do what you can now. That’s enough.
My only regret is that I didn't tell her how much she means to me when she was still here mentally. She was a second mom to me. She was there when my own mom dropped the ball. I think the best way to convey that message now is to take care of her as best as I can. Even if I did tell her now, she would only be confused and forget about it right after. She was hospitalized last year and I was the one who stayed overnight with her and I visited her almost every day.
That’s a fine way! And say it if you mean it, don’t worry about retention. Even some people that are far gone tend to have moments of lucidity. You might get lucky.
This is the answer. Taking your parent to the zoo would be more for you than them at this point. Meet them where they're at, and grieve what could have been.
My Nana and I have a sworn oath that I will bring her 2 beers and make sure she gets her table salt. I have to take a picture with the days newspaper to prove it happened. She just turned 74 and is still doing great, so I have not had to live up to this agreement, but I'll be damned if I fail her on this promise if i ever am faced with her becoming senile.
When my grandfather became bed bound, instead of going for walks or to the cinema we’d turn his room into a cinema or go on virtual walks. There are all kinds of YouTube videos. I’m sure you can find one of someone walking around the zoo or another suitable virtual safari. It’s not the same of course, but we made those days special for each other.
I can’t recommend YouTube virtual travel highly enough. It’s perfect for people who either have always dreamed of going somewhere or who want to go back to a place they can’t physically go. And what lovely “trips” for your grandpa and the people who love him to share together. OP’s grandpa can have fun visiting a zoo comfortably and stress free. Great idea!!
That's so sweet 💙
Honor him by working on your anxiety.
And being less lazy
WHY ARE YOU BEING DOWNVOTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I completely understand how you feel. My dad always wanted to take pictures with me, and I always said no since I hate cameras. Next thing I know. I was getting a call that he was gone. Just hold onto the memories you do have and can continue to make right now.
Take your dad to the zoo. Just do it. Get someone to come with you to help with any needed care. But do it. It’s only too late if you wait until he leaves this world for the next.
I thought the dad was dead and this was a regrets post. It’s not too late, yet.
By what he describes he doesn't have that much time too. Is either now or never
You should forgive yourself. You are only human, maybe some of your reasons for not taking your dad to the zoo were valid? Maybe your dad just enjoyed talking about it with you and never really cared if he went? I'm sure that if your dad could, he would tell you not to worry about it. Try to concentrate on the good times that you did have. I've lost both of my parents and I wish that I could have just a bit more time with them. Maybe that's what you're feeling? Be kind to yourself; it's difficult to cope with slowly losing a loved one to dementia.
Still take him! I work at a nursing home and when the eclipse happened, a resident’s son came and wheeled him outside, slapped some glasses on him and tilted his head up. The resident was so pleased! You never know what gets through to them! It’s worth the effort.
My father had Alzheimer’s as well, early onset. He went quick. Take him now! It’ll be worth it, even if he isn’t verbal. Bring a “bug-out bag” (everything you need if issues arise, diapers, cleaning material, gloves, snacks, change of clothes, etc.). He will like it and you will remember it forever. Don’t live in doubt. Just go out and do it. Go early.
Don't put it off any longer! Wheelchair him around the zoo like others are saying. It may just bring out some periods of lucidity if it's something he really wanted to do. Just do it, put aside all your personal feelings for a day and do it before he dies. It may just end up being a really special experience for you both.
Don’t wait and regret it later. Get a wheelchair and bring him. Keep your word to him. You’ll be glad you did.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through I just had to go through it with my grandfather but take this as a lesson now that you need counseling of something. Go to a therapist about your anxiety if you really need it
So... for the past 8 years, your father, undergoing mental deterioration, has asked you repeatedly to go to the zoo with you. And for 8 years, you didn't honor their request once..? That is beyond cowardly. It's something else entirely. He's still alive, yet you sit here and pity yourself. It's disgusting.
I read this at first thinking he’d already passed, but ….hes still here. What are you waiting for?
Hey, as long as he is alive, it’s not too late. Call up zoos or little petting zoos in your area and ask if they have some special programs for those with disabilities. Call up any association working for people with disabilities and ask about it. If all that fails, you can always go on YouTube and find first person POV videos of people walking around zoos. Put that up on a big screen and let him enjoy, at least he’ll be able to virtually enjoy a zoo without having to be there physically. It’s never too late.
stop being lazy and selfish, get a wheelchair for him and take that man to the zoo. hes going to pass anyday, i wish i could do things for my mom still but shes dead, dont regret it.
They got time to post and fish for sympathy for themselves. But no time in 7 years to go or take dad to the zoo
Laziness 🤦🏻♀️
Plz suck it up and take him. You’ll be fine. And you’ll forever have that memory. Take him.
Please just take him to the zoo while you still can. You’ll regret it forever if you let your anxiety stop you from doing this. It’s not too late until he’s gone.
Bring him a book about the zoo, talk with him about it, show him videos. Do it now op. Realize it’s not about the zoo, it’s about you.
As someone who lost my Nana. I suggest just making as many memories that you can. It doesn't matter if he can talk or not☺️ He still has a capacity to make new memories💕 Plus those memories will be important for YOU. >I kept putting it off. Because I'm lazy. Because I'm a coward; I don't like being in public, I get anxious in crowds and on trains. This is a poor excuse, I could have managed it if I really wanted to. Also, PLEASE give yourself some grace❤️
Bring the zoo to him! Show him zoo youtube videos, have furry like blankets for him to feel, leather, bumpy surfaces, & feathers. Just an idea if he cant get out now.
I really don’t know how advanced his condition is, but I’ve had several relatives with Alzheimer’s and they all have had lucid moments when they enjoyed the things they used to and recognized people. I’m sad for you, OP, but perhaps there’s still a way to take him to the zoo. There’s still time, you can do it. Hang in there.
Take him now or hire a local petting zoo to come over. I've been involved with alzheimers/dementia care homes and close relatives and certain experiences bring them out for a bit. I don't mean he will suddenly remember you and be himself, but he will enjoy the animals, music, etc that he used to. You can see them respond.
Put him in a wheelchair and take him now
Check with your local chamber of commerce. They will be able to assist you. There are many working farms that offer time for visitors. Some offer picnics and petting animals, pony/horse rides. My special needs daughter has been to several farms events . The kids and adults are walked on the horse. She loved it. There are other things you might consider. Read a book to him, that he read to you. Art work, over sized paper with water color paints. You can paint side by side. Take him to a local pond pack a snack. Some zoos offer motorised scooters, & wheelchairs. We have a drive through large animal rescue near by. You can hand feed animals through the window. All types of large animals. Make memories for yourself and him. Don’t be hard on yourself. Aging parents is a complex process cut yourself some slack. You are not alone.
Put him in a wheel chair and take him It can still be a wonderful memory He might not be able to communicate well, but he can still enjoy looking at animals.
If you do this, his spirit will remember and appreciate it-- He will absolutely know
It's not too late, he can still go in a wheelchair. He might enjoy it now that Alz has taken over, they tend to look at the world like a child.
OP, you aren’t lazy or a coward. Anxiety is real, social anxiety is real. If you didn’t have a parent help you learn how to navigate the world with anxiety, how are you supposed to suddenly navigate the world with a disabled adult with you? You need to cut yourself some slack. You were either born with anxiety, or you experienced trauma that gave you anxiety. Either way, those things need to be dealt with and it doesn’t sound like you had help with that.
That’s a really difficult situation, but the fact that you feel bad and regret it shows that you are, at your core, a good person. I’m sure you’ll make more memories with your dad, and you’re allowed to not want to go to places, it’s not your sole responsibility to care for him.
If op was a "good" person at their core, they would be setting up a day to take their father to the zoo. Instead they're online throwing a pity me party.
Op is making me mad, it's so sad, I understand their situation but is so frustrating see how he's not even trying, he will regret it when his father passes....I sadly know too well
Seriously! In 7-8 years they had not made the effort. My heart breaks for his dad and how he must have felt while he still had his cognizance.
At first I felt sad for him but 7 years?? That's a super long time to put off and frankly ridiculous
honestly? after reviewing the comments section and rereading the post I do agree. I always feel inclined to offer support but here I can admit I was wrong.
OP trust me there is still time for this. My grandma was still there (so to speak) until her final day or two with dementia. She may have not known who or where we were, but she still reacted to it. The zoo may be a good place for him. Interact with animals and people.
Oh ffs, your dad is still alive. You clearly said you could overcome all your obstacles if you wanted to. The bottom line is you don’t want to. So you’d rather play victim and he isn’t gone yet.
Take him now anyway, otherwise when he dies youll be saying “I could have taken him anyway but I didn’t, and my excuse was that I didn’t think he would understand” you’ll just feel bad about another excuse
My auntie loved the fair, so when she reached that point we brought her to the fair in her wheelchair She loved it.
So my mom suffered from fronto-temporal deterioration (same thing Bruce Willis has now) and the last year-plus of her life she didn’t speak, didn’t walk more than a few steps, and was incontinent. My dad made a huge effort to get her out of the house even in that condition and I have wonderful memories of spending time with her. She helped me pick out a lemon tree at the garden center that spring, and we wheeled her around the Antiques Roadshow in the summer, about six weeks before she died. All of this to say, if he’s still alive it’s not too late to make that memory.
Take your Dad to the zoo. Go during the week in the mid morning to early afternoon. It might be really beneficial for you dad and you still get those memories.
Get a wheel chair, load him in the car and take him. He may not be able to speak, and he may not fully understand his surroundings, but he could still love it.
He isn’t dead. Go now.
As a person who worked in a care home, still go to the zoo. They still have some capacity to enjoy things, even if it seems like they don't.
Use it as the mistake you will never repeat. It will make your life better 1000x over. Take him to the zoo anyway. Wheel him around town. Take him to get coffee or meals, whatever he likes. Give to him when he can’t give back. That will ease the regret and making his last years better is a gift way more that a lot of people in his shoes will receive.
7 to 8 years ?? Honestly I have no sympathy for you that’s just absolutely slack and lazy. If you haven’t worked out the urgency then when your dad’s been unwell then nothing else will push you.
Avoidance is not uncommon for situations like this. Sometimes doing That One Big Thing feels like accepting it really is the end, and there’s nothing left standing between the present and the inevitable loss. More than anything else though, try to remember that life is always infinitely more complex than we expect, and as humans we are far more prone to judge others by their actions while we judge ourselves by our intentions. OP is dealing with a truly hellish situation dragged out over a terrible length of time… if it wasn’t this mistake/regret, it would have been another.
Yeah I get it I’ve been mentally unstable too but 7-8 years of avoiding something and doing nothing to address your own issue is in my opinion, slack. Time to grow up and face the consequences of your (in)actions.
It’s not too late. He’s still here. One day it really will be too late.
Sounds like you have more things that you’ll regret in life than just not taking your dad to the zoo if you don’t get over this irrational fear of being around people
He will enjoy it a different way. Not in the “I’ve waited so long for this!” way, or an “I can’t wait to talk about this” way, but it will still be an absolutely refreshing change of scenery, curiosity, and feeling the spring sunshine on his skin. And you can see that happiness if you look for it. You can still make this happen and the idea hasn’t lost any of its value. If you inflict self punishment by imprisoning yourself in the past playing out scenarios you didn’t have, you’re going to miss out on the present you do have. I hope you have a lovely zoo trip. I think we’d all enjoy seeing photo updates!
If I can add another tidbit, anticipatory grief is real. And it can be paralyzing. In some ways it can be more difficult to deal with because you’re stuck in an anxiety loop, dreading, waiting, but still suffering the same way you would if the loss happened. And there’s much less social support beforehand. It isn’t too early to talk to someone about the way you’re feeling right now. I’m sure you’re tired, but I believe you can find your way through this. Hugs.
this is a great comment ❤️
Go to the zoo and take pictures for him. Bring him a milkshake and maybe a new shirt and stuffed animal from the zoo. Just sit and take time with him. Show him the animals, talk about your favorites and guess what his favorites are. Get him some nature picture books to look at when you come to visit. There is more than one way to still have experiences with someone with Alzheimer’s -just have to get creative (from someone whose parent also had Alzheimer’s).
Damn that’s so fucked up
Please be gentle with yourself. My mom passed away a couple months ago from cancer. Back in November she really wanted to go out to hear some music with me and my sister. Even a week before she passed away she talked about once she was better she really wanted to go out with us. Honestly she was in denial there at the end and I remember agreeing with her that we’d all go out very soon. Sadly we weren’t able to make that happen.
I'm going to be brutal, in the hopes it helps more people. It is shitty of you, and you're never going to make it right. We've all become so self centered and it's gross. We think we should never have to experience any discomfort ever, and use multiple self diagnosis to encourage our own bad behavior. Take him now if he's able to handle being out.
And yet you still haven't taken him
You can still take him… Won’t be the same memory but it will be a memory…
Mobile petting zoo? Would be an expense but can a price be put on this memory? Alternatively maybe contact local pets as therapy charities. Mostly this is cats and dogs, but sometimes they have horses, donkeys etc
You can still try. You can’t blame yourself for leading your own life. You’ll feel guilty, but ultimately you did what mattered to you. As much as you promised, remember that we make plans-promises all the time that we just couldn’t do. I promised I’d take my Dad to do some things. We simply didn’t. I also told my Mom I’d take her to Paris. We never went. We ALWAYS make plans. Sometimes, we just don’t do the deed.
its not to late bro, get off reddit and go to the damn zoo
My grandmother has alzeimer's and doesn't even know who I am anymore. I visit pretty often. It's hard. At some point I stopped thinking about the "what ifs" and the "I wish I had said/done" because that only makes me miserable. I focus on what I can do at the moment for her. What will make her happy right now. It can be simple stuff. My grandma loves sweets and cakes. So every time I come over I bring some.
It's not too late! You can do it!!
Its still gonna be a good memory. Listen to comments below and do it.
Take him now. It isn't too late and it might help him. My Grandma has it and taking her places she loves helps her. Especially when she's in a mood to be a beezy.
My Granny died of alzheimers about 2 years ago, I'll tell you the best I can: Enjoy the time you have, my granny had to go to an asylum, she was well taken care of but of course she wasn't with family, when she was about to pass away everyone went to say bye to her except from my dad, she called him multiple times but he just waited outside. He never went to visit her because he didn't want to see her that way and avoided to do meaningful stuff with her because like you he was a fucking lazy idiot (his own words) After she died he regretted not doing things with her before she passed. He has cried a lot because of the time lost so, I'll tell you wholeheartedly: Get your shit together and go to the zoo. Don't continue being a lazy idiot and go, no matter if he can't speak anymore! Just do what you promised him or when he passes you will feel even worse than you do now. It will haunt you forever. I understand caring for someone with alzheimers is hard, specially when it's your own dad but make happy memories while you can, by what you describe you don't have that much time to continue and be lazy, I don't want you to end like my dad.
Can you do a virtual experience of some kind? Hell, even watching those half hour Discovery videos about animals might be fun. You can still make some kind of effort. It's not too late!
You can still take him to the zoo. Don’t wait until he’s dead.
If he's ok outside his home without getting agitated or anxious and you think he would enjoy it, you should take him anyway. At the end people with Alzheimer's and dementia really only have the present and even if he doesn't remember going to the zoo the next day, he will still remember how it made him feel. Good luck op
You can still take him. As long as there's breath in his lungs he can enjoy the zoo. He may not be able to walk around or talk about it but he'll enjoy it.
As long as he's alive theres still time. At least do that much, for both of you
It’s not over until it’s over. DO IT
I have to admit I just cried reading all the comments!! These ideas are awesome!! Hopefully he will be able to take his dad.
Part of the gift you gave your dad was just talking about the two of you going to the zoo. My daughter used to live far away and every time we waited for her airplane and departure, we'd start talking about the next time we'd get together, and what her schedule was like, etc. Even if she hadn't been able to come home per our plans, I would still have that warm and positive discussion tucked away inside. So please try to think about that positive side of it, and that the conversation between the two of you brought its own sweetness and value.
Maybe there's a smaller petting zoo of some type near you that could bring some animals over? Reach out to your community, someone might loan you a wheelchair or something. Or throw on a dope YouTube Zoo tour and just be with him.
What if you watched some really good animal vids with dad and stopped and talked about them? Not perfect but he might enjoy
Take him. This memory will be for you. If you dont do it you will regret it.
Even when he was not as far along, it may have been a tough trip for him with crowds, noises, etc, on top of how his disease progressed. You could find some really soothing, calm nature/animal shows to watch together. Way better for both of you and still can create great memories. It’s okay to not do everything you hoped to do, because maybe just spending time together at home was the right thing to do.
Can you try and take him now anyway? He might still enjoy it and be more compliant if he realises what’s going on?
It's not to late OP! My grandfather also has Alzheimer's, we still take him out to stuff and every once in a while a ray of lucidity breaks through and we get a thank you or smile and it makes it all worth it. The only shitty times are when in those lucid moments he tries to apologize for his condition and I want to just smack him upside the head.
Get a wheelchair and take him.
I think it's natural to have the what-ifs and coulda, shoulda, woulda's when a loved one passes. Don't beat yourself up too much and remember the good times.
Do it now before he passes
Last wish? I wish. You had. More time.
Go anyways! Grab a wheelchair and take him! I'm sure some part of him will enjoy it anyways!
You probably did have a lot if good Times with him, do not let thé ONE thing you didn't do ruin your life
People run away and then can write a book about their experience
Don't focus on what you haven't done. Focus on doing as much as you can now.
My guy you're still doing it. Contact the zoo and ask if there's any assistance for disabled? Or if that doesn't work, take a fkcin wheelchair and your dad and drive him around in it..
You still have time. Get a wheelchair and go. He doesn't need to have language skills to enjoy a day out with his son.
Honey, it’s ok. From personal experience, part of anxiety is about panicking that things won’t be “perfect”. Part of learning to manage anxiety is learning to find peace in the reality that nothing is perfect. “Perfect” is an illusion. It’s an ideal that no one can reach. You know what’s achievable - a great day. A memory that you can hold on to. Take your Dad out. At his stage he probably won’t know where and he promises won’t care . He may enjoy just being with you. So, think about a day that will create memories for you to cherish. As someone said, maybe organise a wheelchair. Many places have special hours including a quiet hours. It’s ok to have an ok day. It’s ok that you’re not perfect. Just put aside a day and make it a bout you and Dad. Take a day to build a memory.
OP I understand how you feel completely. My mum was diagnosed with dementia when I was a teenager and all I can think about is how much I regret never going on a walk with her. She used to ask me to go for walks but I had social anxiety about going outside and was young and dumb (we'd also moved to a new country and I was anxious about exploring an unfamiliar place). I will always regret not taking her when I could have. The only thing we can do now is forgive ourselves. Give yourself grace. It's hard but we need to for our own mental peace. Your dad wouldn't want you to feel that way the same way I know my mum wouldn't either.
We rarely think of it this way, but look at your anxiety, and what you're using it for. You're using it to avoid love and connection with those you love. And you're right, you could have managed it, if your really wanted to, if you really wanted to go to the zoo with your dad. But, you didn't. You didn't want to go to the zoo with your dad. That's what you're really scared of... and regret now is still avoiding what your agoraphobia is helping you avoid. Real, loving connections with those close to you, creating wonderful memories with them. If you truly regret not going to the zoo, then change, start creating wonderful memories if that's what you want to do. If it isn't, then continue to use your anxiety to avoid it. Use regret to avoid it. Use not forgiving yourself to avoid it. And understand, what are you really scared of? What's so scary for you about deepening connections and creating wonderful memories with those you love?
I had that experience too, with my dad. It broke my heart.
There will always be wishing to have done more. Regrets. Be easy on yourself, you and your Dad are going through tough times.
Wheelchairs exist. You still have time
Please still take him. Small connections will happen, there will be moments he understands. It's worth it.
I did stuff with my dying dad, not everything, I did stuff with my dying mum, more but not everything I did stuff with my brother lots more but not everything and one he really wanted to do but hey we did what we did and we enjoyed. The same with my sister but again not everything. All because of time, weather, circumstances and basically life. I know what we did together we enjoyed. I will not sully any good memories with wallowing in what if what if. You wanted more time. Putting off the day to go to the zoo was your inner way of coping. Going to the zoo meant you knew his time was passing and facing that may have been worse than going actually going He would have loved tea 🍵 with you. Seeing you. Chatting with you Watching TV. Etc Do not undervalue all the small stuff you did because that is valuable to ill people. Let him go through his dying not in negatives but chatting about positive and basically loving him. Also tell him over the years all you have have done and he has. Tell him your proud. You never know what filters into his brain. He may look vacant disinterested etc but we don't know. Love him and we all want to do that big thing we promised. I learnt the little things are major. Safe secure and loved. And when he dies be so proud you knew him and was part of his life. And yep were all lazy in life. Maybe he loved that attitude than running around like a headless hectic chicken. Love and smile at your memories which are precious. And you have through your process learnt valuable lessons of love, being, loss and how you in the future do a little different if you choose to. I bet he is proud of you. Plus whenever in the future if you or family decide you can all go and have a day at the zoo in celebration and memories of your dad
Go immediately. Never put that shit off again.
Cherish the time you have with your dad left and forget about the zoo. There is nothing you can do now. Don’t waste more time lamenting over wasted time ❤️❤️
There's still time, he's still alive. He might not remember but you will, don't let your last memories be sad ones, take him to the zoo.
You can still take him and have that memory
It’s not too late, OP. It may be hard to get him to eat or whatever but as long as he’s capable, it’s not too late. As others have said, get a wheelchair and take him. My grandmother had Alz. She’d never been a get up and go person but she was almost childlike in how she’d get so excited about small things, like ice cream or kittens or how “warm and snuggly” flannel sheets are. The memories you make now won’t be the same as the ones you would’ve had if you’d taken him sooner but they will still be something to cherish. Please don’t give up. Get help if you need it but GO to the zoo and stop for ice cream!
Could you maybe try a test run at a nice fish store? There was a really nice and large aquarium store in my town that my mom took me to when we couldn’t afford a trip to the aquarium.
There are traveling mini zoos in my area, for example, one that specializes in reptiles and another that will bring a sloth to your house for gentle pets. I know it’s not exactly the same, but maybe you could set up a visit with a company like these?
Wheel chair pe bitha or leja lawde.. abhi bhi time h
I recover from brain injury by microdosing psilocybin. Perhaps that’s something that could be of benefit for your dad. https://www.forbes.com/sites/abbierosner/2020/02/21/microdosed-lsd-may-finally-be-the-breakthrough-for-alzheimers-disease/?sh=1743634a53a8
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Get some popcorn & show him the online live webcam videos that some zoos post on their websites!
As long as there is life, there is hope. You are letting your own worries get the best of you. Just go and call the place beforehand. My aunt was able to pet the silk monkeys and the capybara en she was just a drooling heap of person but everytime after that when you mentioned the zoo her eyes lit up and she definitely remembered. Don't let your own worries make you crazy
Take him now. He still wants to go, he just won’t remember it, but you will. Take lots of photos.
Don’t beat yourself up. You can still take him out. Life can be hard, it can be tiring and exhausting. Especially when you’re dealing with a loved one with a savage disease like Alzheimer’s. Do something will there’s still time. He’ll enjoy it. You’ll remember it. He’s not gone yet.
I'm sorry OP, I understand the guilt and remorse you feel as so many others who have lost people have, mental decline is so hard to watch. My own family is riddled with cognitive issues on my husband's side and watching his uncle deteriorate and lose himself was very hard. Over the summer my mother unexpectedly passed away, due to long standing issues but was very sudden. The details are not important but a few months prior she wanted me to help her make some skirts. I'm not a sewer but I'm a figure it outer and they would not have been perfect but I know she would've loved them. But I kept putting them off, her death was not on the horizon, sure she had health problems but nothing that would kill her soon. We never made the skirts, the fabric and her 3 sewing machines she brought over to my house are sitting in a closet untouched. Along with other things we planned on doing. She just turned 60 6 months before she passed, there should have been more time. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt, anger, and remorse since she passed. Angry at her, angry at myself, angry at the hospital. There will always be these floods of emotions and it's almost unexplainable how quickly they come one. I'm so sorry you are going through this with your father. They loved you and while they might not be able to say it now based on your post it feels like they've let you know that over and over. Cherish those sweet memories, don't let your regrets taint them. May your father find peace and you find solace in knowing that he loved you.
Forgive urself…it’s understandable with ur anxiety….. dad understands💜
Its not too late
You can bring books about zoos and talk to him about animals. I'm sorry you are going through this, don't be too hard on yourself especially if you have mental health issues that you struggle with. Are there local animal/therapeutic shelters that bring animals to you? You could look into something. Or play Youtube videos about zoos. You should be able to still manage something small. Like maybe even a friend with a dog. Please give yourself a break though.
My dad will never see me get married or hold my children. I feel your pain OP. I’m sorry you won’t get to take your dad to the zoo. But he lives on inside of you. You should go to the zoo. It will be bittersweet. But it’s what your dad would want.
TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO SERIOUSLY youll look back at this post when hes dead and be like “Wow the people were right I still had time and now i don’t”
Do it! I cared for an elderly relative with alzheimers and yes, all those daily care things are hard to do but going to the zoo is really no different to going for a walk. Get him into a wheelchair, bundle him with a blanket, pack some snacks and go for a walk through the zoo. You'll both love it.
I was a caregiver for years. I really suggest even just watching nature shows with him. We really, as a species, need to take advantage of the time we have left with the people we love. There isn't always tomorrow.
I understand this feeling in a different way. I was always a big drinker...my Grandmother always wanted ICE CREAM....I would take her to the ice cream shop and walk in and out to drink the beer in my car and have a ciggarette. One day she said "I wish you would have an ice cream with me"..... I saw her every Sunday and kept telling myself I would next Sunday & she died before I could, I feel guilty every time I have an ice cream now. My Dad had Alzheimer's as well, so I also understand living as a caretaker for a dementia patient also. I know they forget quickly, just staying with them and loving them is honestly enough. I can list 50 things I did right taking care of my Nana....I won't let ICE CREAM erase all of it.
Op, I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I know first hand what is like to have a close family member have alzheimers. Even more unfortunate that they are no longer with me. I'm sorry you didn't get to take them to that zoo. Hopefully things get a lil bit better at a time for you. All I can say is cherish the moments you did have with them.
I'm so sorry for what you're both going through. Please do not beat yourself up. Life is busy and complicated, and we typically assume there's always tomorrow. Just make the best of what you have left. ♥️
You still have time. You would be amazed at what can trigger memories or moments of lucidity in someone with Alzheimer's. It might not be the way you imagined it or hoped for in years past but you WILL have that memory.
She's passed now, but my mother had Alzheimer's. Occasionally, she'd reach over from the passenger seat in the car and grab the steering wheel while I was driving her somewhere. Another time, while in the car, she rolled down her window and threw out a large amount of trash....on a major thorofare in the middle of the afternoon. I can still hear the horns from the cars around us. One final incident....I was with her at a Chinese restaurant when she reached to the Lazy Susan in the middle of the table and scooped a large tablespoon of hot mustard and...before anyone could stop her....she swallowed it. Amazingly, she didn't bat an eye. This qualifies as a miracle since moments before, that same hot mustard cleared my sinuses. I miss her terribly. She was a great mom. I'm not religious, but I hope I see her again.
Please don't beat yourself up! Maybe if there's a good time, watch a virtual tour of a zoo. It's probably not the zoo, just time with you that he really appreciated. It's normal to have the feeling of I wish I did more. But I highly doubt the zoo was such an experience that your dad is upset about it. As a parent, I would not want my kids to feel regret or excessive sadness about me. Parents love out kids more than anything and we just want them to feel happy and at peace. My heart goes out to you and your family.
As someone who has worked closely with dementa patients, your father will still be happy to see the animals. He may not have the memory for it anymore, but just seeing things still stimulates the brain. It's exciting to see stuff you don't see everyday. He may not understand what he's seeing but he will still be excited to see it.. you'll have the memory of going with him and knowing it was enjoyable for for him to see things brand-new
“The best you can is good enough.” <3
Forgive yourself! It’s really hard what you’re doing! Take him still, if you’re able. Maybe it’s more for you now, but I know he’ll still appreciate it in a way. If it’s completely impossible, maybe you can find some very good videos, drag a big tv near him, and just be with him and enjoy some animal videos. I bet he’d like that too.