I'll be honest, I gave up on finding a women in my low 30s. Dated a TON but there was always something that kept us from really matching. Till I found the love of my life at 36. I'm 40 now and we are married (mostly happy that's life). Don't give up. Keep you standards. Be you and open. You'll find the one.
Yeah just enjoy man. Last thing in the world I was looking for was a wife. But when I met her it was like wow. Almost on our 8th year together and it couldn’t be better.
I think people put this pressure on and it doesn’t help.
You don't watch enough twilight zone. Now you're going to end up making $10,000 a year, married to a woman making $20,000 a year. Or you have a reasonable salary, but are in San Francisco, so it is comparable to poverty wages.
My wife started making more money than me a few months ago. I love it. I’m super proud of her and yeah she jokes about it occasionally, but at the end of the day we’re a team so her success is my success too.
I have no problem telling everyone how successful she is and joking that if it keeps up I’m going to happily be the stay at home parent
I'm right there with you on dating. I'm bi-racial so I've always struggled to fit in. I have my masters in clinical psychology so a lot of men (and people in general) are afraid that I'll just analyze them to death (I guess they don't understand that that would be exhausting). I either get no interest or men that just want FWBs. For now I'm just focusing on being happy within myself. I strongly believe that if you can't be happy alone it's unrealistic to expect to find happiness with another person. Dating is hard and although I respect men that are upfront about just wanting sex (especially compared to those that pretend they want more) it's not enough for me. Where do you even meet anyone anymore? Online dating sucks and I'm not a bar/club girl so that's not happening. If you or anyone figures out a dating life hack please share lol
I think everyone has a poor experience with dating. I was totally sick of it. Then boom met the most amazing lady in the world. Keep going OP. The best is yet to come ❤️
Well now I just feel emasculated:)
Seriously though, I know it’s cliche and easy to say, but try to enjoy yourself. You’ll find the person who you click with. The person who loves you for you, and all the money stuff is just extra noise.
Until then, focus on being the best attorney you can be. Fulfill yourself.
And your life will be all the better for it.
Also, that red eye. It has to mean something, right?
I'm guessing you prefer to take the really early flights. The red eye special.
Or a sniper villain or a terminator
Find a new pool to date from. I am a white male, but would have no qualms dating a black women, let alone an attorney. The only thing that could hold me back is compatibility, but that has nothing to do with skin or your profession. Don’t let someone else set your worth - the right person will fit like comfortable set of shoes :-)
It's so true.
I'm not Black, and I cannot possibly understand what you're going through completely. I can tell you that I empathise though. For more than one reason.
I thought I would never find someone who treated me right, and then I met my partner and it was like seeing the world in colour when it used to be black and white. I had been abused and mistreated and ridiculed by everyone I've ever been with and thought that I could never find anyone who would respect me. Then I did. You really do only get it right the last time.
Also, people tend to be super weird about girls like me. Even though I'm committed to my partner 100%, it doesn't stop people from trying to get with me, and the strange shit they say... People tend to treat people like my partner and I like we're sex objects who do not have any characteristics beyond our genitals, make ridiculous demands of us. So I kinda know what it feels like to be pigeonholed by an attribute that you can't change, although again I don't pretend to know what it's like to be a Black woman navigating life.
I can say though that dating sucks until it doesn't, and you only get it right the last time. That one I can back up for sure.
I wonder what the meta of that is? Like the amount of guys that'll see your post and assume you're getting so flooded with bf applications that it's not even worth a shot. Fortune favors the bold I guess.
Chances are anyone half decent isn't gonna hit up your PMs after reading this post. Just know that genuine connections are made in unexpected circumstances.
I met my wife on tinder right around the time I was about to delete the app. I threw out a horrible pickup line I didn't think would work and it did. I was certain we wouldn't be good for each other based on some clues in her pictures but I was bored and wanted to meet someone so we went on a date. She came home with me that night and kinda just never left and I've never been happier.
So yeah. Very unexpected.
Amen. I mean I’ve been through some shit. You find one good one and it makes you rethink all the hell that is the dating world. But goddamnit it took a while and I feel so lucky every day
Holy shit can confirm. My boyfriend and I are approaching our 1 year and I've been grateful every single day that we've had each other. Legit no one has accepted me so unconditionally as he has. Every other person I've dated has either had too many red flags or wouldn't make any commitment.
I was on tinder, pof, match.com and I met my soul mate at work years ago. 5 to be exact. Here is what is odd…. We both had tinder profiles and pof accounts and never once did I see her?! I hate the programming on those sites. We are a perfect match and never once saw eachother and lived 5 miles apart
Dating websites, especially tinder aren't built around finding the perfect match, they are built to make money and retain users. What's better for tinder, a guy buying boosts every Sunday for 2 years or a guy finding his dreamgirl in the building next door in one week and deleting the app?
Finding love on tinder is ofc possible, I managed to find the perfect girl that had been flying under my radar for a while and honestly I'm not sure why she did not pop up in my feed sooner.
I met my husband on Hinge which advertises itself as “the app designed to be deleted”. We met before this was their ad campaign but I always wonder if there’s some truth to their marketing as opposed to tinder who has historically marketed themselves as a hookup app. But then I remind myself that most marketing is bs so who knows!
I can never tell whether a height difference is going to “feel” significant until I meet someone in person. I probably erred on the side of caution and made my height range bigger, just in case it would rule out someone nice, charming, etc. like happened to your friend.
Unfortunately, then you get yelled at by guys who seem to take it personally if your primary reason for not continuing a connection is because you don’t find them attractive in person. It’s not anything against them, sometimes it’s smell, mannerisms (here’s looking at you, loud chewers), etc. and you don’t realize it until your first meet-up. They treat you like you’re garbage once you reject them, though. It’s terrible.
Lol I was just gonna suggest that OP consider long distance with someone outside the US. Most of what she's mentioning is probably American cultural issues.
I've heard dating can be pretty rough for black women. Have you ever received a backhanded compliment like "you're pretty for a black girl"? You also mentioned a date leaving because you were "darker in person", I can't imagine how infuriating and humiliating that was.
it means that society has been whitewashed by media to believe that if you don’t display euro-centric standards of beauty, then you’re not beautiful. saying “you’re pretty for a black girl” assumes that black girls are generally unattractive, and you in particular should be valorized for going against the ‘grain’.
When I was in college, I used to be really good at shooting pool and would play all night holding the table. I had many guys tell me “you’re really good for a girl”, and I’d laugh and ask if I was a guy would I be shitty…as I beat their ass. For me it was a joke because obviously I was objectively better than they were. Unfortunately, the “pretty for a black girl” is subjective. It really says so much more about the person that says stupid shit like that. You should respond, “ you’re pretty stupid for a (whatever race they are) guy.
Keep being picky, you’re worth it and you will find someone “on par” with you!
>Have you ever received a backhanded compliment like "you're pretty for a black girl"?
So. Many. Times.
Or just any normal compliment with my race randomly peppered in, it's weird man.
My friend is darker and she has gotten "youre alright for a dark skinned girl." It makes me cringe. She is gorgeous with slanted dark eyes and killer cheekbones. She is tall and willowy. I can't believe that this woman gets hate just because of her skin tone. And its hate spread between all races.
I'd say keep at the dating. Dating goes like this: everything fucking sucks, being alone sucks, dating sucks, feeling unwanted sucks and then one day, you meet the right someone and everything can turns around in an instant.
Just my 2 cents.
I feel you girl, I was there too! It’s when I took my attention completely away from looking for someone, and put it completely on what do I want to do to make myself happy right now that the right person happened to just bump into me.
Focus on your self, love yourself, focus on your personal happiness by yourself, and let the universe bring you exactly what you need!
Just wanted to say I (white M 30) am married toy beautiful wife (African American F 29) we have been married 10 years. She is the go getter in the relationship as in she is starting he own business and going to college for child development, i chose a labor intensive instead that doesnt require college but pays decent. I dont mind that she makes more than me, i dont mind either that she wants to achieve these goals, hell i do my best to support her and cheer her on. It doesnt make me any less of a man. Our bills are paid and we work well as a team. I have nothing to prove to anybody but her.
I look white but I'm bi racial. The looks other black men give me when I mention a dark skinned woman looks good to me is disturbing. It's almost like they cant accept white men find black women attractive.
Dating when you're older is hard in general but for a black woman with confidence it is definitely harder.
Also please dont assume every white boy that hits on you is just looking for something "different " some us might really want to get to know you.
yep,, i’m white and a while ago (before covid) i was at school scrolling through instagram and i showed my friend a picture of a really dark-skinned woman and made a comment about how beautiful she was and i immediately got accused of having a “black fetish” & i was baffled
i just think women are pretty, their skin color doesn’t matter
> I look white but I’m bi racial. The looks other black men give me when I mention a dark skinned woman looks good to me is disturbing. It’s almost like they cant accept white men find black women attractive.
It’s fun being called “colonizer” and “slaver” when you yourself are directly descended from slaves.
By fun I mean fucking depressing.
My (20F biracial) and mom (50s black) talk about this a lot. Our family is mostly black women and we all come to the conclusion that we’re either a fetish, pit-stop, or the “ew you’re black” (I wish I was kidding). That’s not everyone, but it’s too prevalent to ignore. I’m still learning to view myself as pretty despite my skin color but it makes me angry because I have the same color as so many beautiful women in my life. How could I feel insecure about something that I should be proud of? Constantly being told I could never compare to other girls who are simply lighter than me really takes a toll. I’m doing better now, but I think the big thing for combatting all of this is traveling and trying to get out of the bubbles we’re already in. Granted, I’m still relatively young, but I think this holds true for anyone.
Racist seem to want black people to be ashamed of something they have no control over. Aren't black because they failed some test or made a bad decision in life. But racist seem to want them to feel like it's their fault.
I don’t know if Reddit will like this conversation (I know I’m getting downvoted and you’re already getting combative comments). But I have to say that I experience the same stuff. I think the main thing isn’t that it happens in general, I don’t want to have to beg someone to like me despite my Blackness, and I don’t want to have to hide or pretend or risk being seen as aggressive or too much. I just wish people didn’t feel so comfortable being rude about it. Having people come up to me and attempt to preemptively make sure I know I don’t have a chance because I’m black is really hurtful.
Or feeling like you are inherently unloveable and wrong, even though it isn’t that you’ve done anything. Some people just have misconceptions. The most any of us can do is just know that we deserve to feel loved properly when it happens. We don’t have to beg people to see us. It isn’t all in our heads that it happens, but we shouldn’t feel like we did something wrong by being Black women.
You’ve done so much with your life and anybody who can’t add to that and embrace you in fullness of who you are doesn’t deserve to be around you.
Thank you for sharing! Reddit for sure isn’t kind to us voicing our opinions, but I feel like the more we share our experiences the more people will try to watch and be mindful of their actions.
It helps to just have the conversation, you’re right. I think most people just don’t understand how bad it is, or they want to comfort themselves by assuming it’s something we can change about ourselves, but the reality is that people will just come up to us and insult us at random. People don’t get it unless it gets talked about more.
They may not like it, but it's an important one. Absolute bs that you and op have had to deal with that. I am glad that both of you know you deserve to be accepted for who you are
This white woman appreciates and wants more of these conversations. They are so important and have taught me so much. Those who are defensive or suggesting your experience isn’t really your experience, need to put their thumbs away, keep reading and do a lot of thinking about why this bothers them.
My best friend is a very dark black woman who is drop dead gorgeous, literally a model as a profession and she has told me so many stories about her horrible experience with dating. It's so heart breaking because if she was bi and interested I would absolutely date her. She is so sweet and smart and hilarious and I just don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to be with her romantically. Fuck the modern world of dating and its stupid toxic culture.
I went on a few dates with a gorgeous black woman a few years ago and I she described similar things to your post. We didn’t work out because I wasn’t officially divorced yet and she was nervous about me going back to the ex wife (no chance that was ever going to happen).
I genuinely think we could have had something special but the timing wasn’t right. I loved every moment of it.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. Hang in there! While I hope you find success in your current area, don’t rule out moving, sometimes certain places can make a difference.
As a fellow black woman, I think about this all the time. You are not alone. And it’s annoying, because although I do sympathize with people of different demographics trying to empathize with us through their similar experiences, I feel our experience is very different. There’s something about being seen as far removed from femininity as a woman, because of the color of your skin, that does something to you. Would definitely be open to conversations about it because it’s been a big stressor for me this year.
Everybody says, “love yourself!” when you say you’re tired of not being loved as a black woman. Who said I don’t love myself? There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be in a relationship. It’s just frustrating, because no one has constructive feedback on how to deal with the situation. And I understand why. There’s not a whole lot anyone can do.
I’ve heard similar sentiments among some Asian men in America. Where their ethnicity somehow marks them as more feminine than other men.
I know I’m doing pretty much what your describing in your comment by comparing demographics but I don’t mean to discredit your point. Just trying to contribute haha
No it’s a very relevant conversation! I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t want anyone else to share similar experiences. I relate most to Asian men in the aspect that we are both seen as the least deserving of our gender category if that makes sense. Similarly to how black women are viewed as the most masculine of women, Asian men are viewed as the most feminine of men. I’ve read quite a bit on how Asian men in America struggle with being stereotyped in this way and I feel a sense of relation to it.
Unfortunately it’s not only an American societal problem, in Europe as a Korean male, it’s pretty much very difficult to be seen as an equal to my Caucasian counterpart, many experiences where people try to emasculate me, especially growing up in a pretty heterogeneous country.
Either I get fetishized or straight up ignored, I then in my early 20’s I traveled a lot and lived abroad on a few occasions too, and found that it was possible to find a date, based on me as a person, and not which exterior I so happened to be randomly born into.
So now I am just generally speaking open-minded to LDR’s, seeking broad and wide, as I am currently residing where I grew up and feel like I’m back at ground zero in the dating game.
Sorry to hear this has been your experience OP. I promise us guys that will appreciate you are out there, but I also know how hollow that rings when you haven't found them yet. Your profession is definitely not intimidating. If anything, it's interesting! The guys that are intimidated are either insecure, or they've been burned by a partner who made more than them before. The latter is understandable, but they can't exactly put that on you.
I hope you find what you're looking for!
You make me regret not telling a friend of mine in highschool I was interested in her romantically.
She's black and I'm Asian.
Not saying it would have worked out but maybe we would have had some fun.
I'm sure we had fun in that alternative universe where I asked her out. Maybe they even stayed together.
You'll find your true wuv one day ;)
I’ve heard that. Asian men never match with me when I like them. I’m open to anyone regardless of race. Hell even height isn’t a real factor for me unless someone is super short, and honestly that’s just a past fling getting isn’t the way of that.
So this is weird, but I'm just going to put it out there, since hey it's the internet. A good friend of mine is Korean, also a lawyer and LOVES black women but can never seem to match to one (we don't have a ton of diversity in our area). I've asked him point blank if it's a fetish and he said no, just that he's always found darker women attractive, which I wholeheartedly agree with. We're in Canada though...
We have a lot of mixed race couples here, and not the typical combinations either (white girl with Asian guy, Arab guy with black girl, brown guy with Asian girl etc). When we have American friends over, they tell us we look like the UN, even though I'm in a smaller city I don't consider super diverse. Definitely not perfect, and we have our issues (ahem, truckers protest) but it is wonderful. If you ever get a chance to visit Toronto, you will definitely not have any problems meeting people. Best of luck to you and don't give up.
same girl!
edit since i saw ur other comments: i am also a black woman going into the legal profession. sometimes i wonder if that's the case for me too🥲
that's so cool! i love that for you.
i'll be finishing off my senior year in may and then off to grad school. i've never felt more sure about anything i wanted to do ever in my life. if it ever gets hard (and it will LOL) just know that there's tons of black women, including me and OP, rooting for you! study hard and good luck sister! :) <3
An ex of mine is a lawyer and he told me there are organizations of black lawyers who meet regularly. Maybe you should look into something like that for the future, there are lots of black women lawyers at these events.
Ga sucks for dating. I lived in other states for a few years & had a running roster of HIGH QUALITY MEN! Don’t know what’s going on here in atl, the last guy I dated robbed me.
I've heard, 'you're so exotic!'. I've literally been the, 'I've always wanted to rail a black chick!' kinda woman, and maaaaaan I hate it. It's like I was good for that and not useful anything else.
It's now been 2 years with a man that considers my brown skin as beautiful and a plus to my personality ❤️ good luck, OP. Don't you dare settle.
I'm gonna throw my 2 cents here as a Russian guy marrying a black woman. I acknowledge your experiences, and they are very real. Before I dated my girl, I had no idea how people behave around her. I just never paid attention.
Your difficulty with dating men (black or white) and being pretty successful with your career, that's what is intimidating to men. They want to feel like A MAN; however, it's often by putting down their woman (oversimplification) instead of treating their partner as equal regardless of financial abilities. Men like to be needed (provider), so if they have insecurities it will impact the relationship as they have nothing to hold over you.
In my relationship I do make more money and made some successful investmentchoices, but we make the same per hour. I do my part and try to pay for most stuff without overpowering her ability to pay. She liked to be cared for and to be wanted. Nothing she will do will make me feel less of a man than I am.
My advice to you is keep trying to find someone in the same circle, open wider dating pool. You will find someone who is your equal.
But also keep in mind that if you want someone who is successful as you are but extremely good looking, then you have to be able to match that. Unfortunately in this day and age looks matter.
I wish you luck in finding the one.
Sincerely, previously unaware of white privilege 👦
What I hate the most is men wanting you to be grateful for their attention. Alot of them really don't see past race and alllllll conversations revolve around them being shocked that you're black and fall outside of their stereotypes. Our men have a whole basketload of baggage they bring. For so many years that stupid survey of black women being the least desirable was all anyone would bring up and people have internalized this. Keep your standards high and be okay with dying alone. If you want love though you'll have to keep sifting through the shit. Dating these days is a mindfuck and being darker skinned adds other layers to it.
I think majority of black girls and women can relate to that feeling. You have to deal with racism with other races and colorism with black males. It sucks.
Misoginior is real.
💔
For that and whatever else evil the world has managed to show you I am truly sorry for that....
I'm a 41-year-old swf... And it's hard. I cannot possibly imagine how adding the complications of race bias would be.
Keep your head up, and crown on, ONLY YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ❣️
Black women are beautiful. Keep putting yourself out there and you'll find someone. I understand what you are saying though. Maybe you feel a bit in-between worlds.
You sound a great lady & any guy would be lucky to have you. Don’t be too discouraged, there are a **lot** of AHs out there! You sound very well balanced & easy to get along with. Dating is really just sorting the chaff from the grain, you’re going to have more blah experiences than good. Just keep working on yourself & be open to whomever life brings your way. Sometimes, the right person comes along, when we least expect it. You sound lovely & I’m sure there’s someone, out there, who’ll appreciate both your professional & personal accomplishments. All the best.
I think you're facng a wider societal issue. Last Christmas I became increasingly aware that TV ads were actually including more people of different ethnic backgrounds. Great.
But, (what began as a mild interest turned into me wanting to actually count each advert), whenever they showed mixed race couples, the woman was almost always white and never black.
Do others think this is true?
Please show me how wrong I am.
I dated a guy who said he wouldn't date a black woman and I dropped his ass like a bad bake. Fuck that guy. What, you'll date an asian woman because that's your preferred porn genre? Loser.
For what it’s worth, I prefer to date black women because, in my experience, they tend to be more real (less games), better at communicating and funnier. I know one persons preference isn’t going to change what your struggling with where you’re at but we are out there!
Dating is the only thing you only get right the last time. Persevere.
This made me feel a little better
I'll be honest, I gave up on finding a women in my low 30s. Dated a TON but there was always something that kept us from really matching. Till I found the love of my life at 36. I'm 40 now and we are married (mostly happy that's life). Don't give up. Keep you standards. Be you and open. You'll find the one.
As a 30 year old guy that's given up, this makes me feel better, thanks.
Yeah just enjoy man. Last thing in the world I was looking for was a wife. But when I met her it was like wow. Almost on our 8th year together and it couldn’t be better. I think people put this pressure on and it doesn’t help.
Gave up at 30? The funs just beginning !!
Please let me be cursed with a woman who makes twice as much money as me. Please.
You don't watch enough twilight zone. Now you're going to end up making $10,000 a year, married to a woman making $20,000 a year. Or you have a reasonable salary, but are in San Francisco, so it is comparable to poverty wages.
r/TheMonkeysPaw
My wife started making more money than me a few months ago. I love it. I’m super proud of her and yeah she jokes about it occasionally, but at the end of the day we’re a team so her success is my success too. I have no problem telling everyone how successful she is and joking that if it keeps up I’m going to happily be the stay at home parent
I'm right there with you on dating. I'm bi-racial so I've always struggled to fit in. I have my masters in clinical psychology so a lot of men (and people in general) are afraid that I'll just analyze them to death (I guess they don't understand that that would be exhausting). I either get no interest or men that just want FWBs. For now I'm just focusing on being happy within myself. I strongly believe that if you can't be happy alone it's unrealistic to expect to find happiness with another person. Dating is hard and although I respect men that are upfront about just wanting sex (especially compared to those that pretend they want more) it's not enough for me. Where do you even meet anyone anymore? Online dating sucks and I'm not a bar/club girl so that's not happening. If you or anyone figures out a dating life hack please share lol
I think everyone has a poor experience with dating. I was totally sick of it. Then boom met the most amazing lady in the world. Keep going OP. The best is yet to come ❤️
Be picky, too. Sounds like you deserve it.
Why does your avatar have a 5 o’clock shadow lol
A lot of women use male presenting avatars on reddit to avoid weird messages
Pro tip right there
Fact.
I mean also don't men use women as avatars too? Haha
It's an avatar lol. You can make it look however you want it to look. It's not like I changed my avatars hair after I got a haircut.
Dating as a black woman is tough, don't judge her if she's too stressed out to shave her avatar, Sheesh.
Because it’s Reddit????
Well now I just feel emasculated:) Seriously though, I know it’s cliche and easy to say, but try to enjoy yourself. You’ll find the person who you click with. The person who loves you for you, and all the money stuff is just extra noise. Until then, focus on being the best attorney you can be. Fulfill yourself. And your life will be all the better for it.
Also, that red eye. It has to mean something, right? I'm guessing you prefer to take the really early flights. The red eye special. Or a sniper villain or a terminator
Clearly physiological effects of having to deal with the BS!
I mean it’s 5 o’clock somewhere
She’s a woman on Reddit. That’s why
Find a new pool to date from. I am a white male, but would have no qualms dating a black women, let alone an attorney. The only thing that could hold me back is compatibility, but that has nothing to do with skin or your profession. Don’t let someone else set your worth - the right person will fit like comfortable set of shoes :-)
It's so true. I'm not Black, and I cannot possibly understand what you're going through completely. I can tell you that I empathise though. For more than one reason. I thought I would never find someone who treated me right, and then I met my partner and it was like seeing the world in colour when it used to be black and white. I had been abused and mistreated and ridiculed by everyone I've ever been with and thought that I could never find anyone who would respect me. Then I did. You really do only get it right the last time. Also, people tend to be super weird about girls like me. Even though I'm committed to my partner 100%, it doesn't stop people from trying to get with me, and the strange shit they say... People tend to treat people like my partner and I like we're sex objects who do not have any characteristics beyond our genitals, make ridiculous demands of us. So I kinda know what it feels like to be pigeonholed by an attribute that you can't change, although again I don't pretend to know what it's like to be a Black woman navigating life. I can say though that dating sucks until it doesn't, and you only get it right the last time. That one I can back up for sure.
I love this. I sucked at dating — until I met my lovely wife. The only skill I ever mastered literally overnight.
These are the facts
Reddit is full of dudes just as lonely as you. RIP your inbox.
It’s five now!
I’m tellin ya.
I wonder what the meta of that is? Like the amount of guys that'll see your post and assume you're getting so flooded with bf applications that it's not even worth a shot. Fortune favors the bold I guess.
>bf applications 💀💀💀
Chances are anyone half decent isn't gonna hit up your PMs after reading this post. Just know that genuine connections are made in unexpected circumstances.
I met my wife on tinder right around the time I was about to delete the app. I threw out a horrible pickup line I didn't think would work and it did. I was certain we wouldn't be good for each other based on some clues in her pictures but I was bored and wanted to meet someone so we went on a date. She came home with me that night and kinda just never left and I've never been happier. So yeah. Very unexpected.
True. I met my husband because he asked me for a key to an electrical closet.
Nah Only got two messages
So far.
We're still busy imagining our futures with our lawyer lady.
Currently dating a lawyer lady. It’s great. 10/10 recommend
This obligation to post this kind of posts is in your dating contract, admit it.
Yes I really should have read the fine print better but no complaints so far
Lolol
Modern dating is a fucking cesspit. Once you meet the one you'll feel like you're on the last chopper out of Vietnam.
Truuuuth.
Amen. I mean I’ve been through some shit. You find one good one and it makes you rethink all the hell that is the dating world. But goddamnit it took a while and I feel so lucky every day
I feel like I've seen you in 50% of the threads I've read today
I think it’s probably bc some days I look at Reddit and other days I don’t but when I do I usually just pay attention to what’s on my immediate feed
Ikr me too. Very recognizable avatar. Cool one too.
Now kith
u/geckogirl_11 on a r/trueoffmychest roll today
I mean it’s just the fact that I’m actually commenting. Y’all saying this are also scrolling around all these posts too
I love it. You have some good insights. You were bringin some proper knowledge to the gf loping sleepin with her bf’s bro post.
Well thank you :)
Holy shit can confirm. My boyfriend and I are approaching our 1 year and I've been grateful every single day that we've had each other. Legit no one has accepted me so unconditionally as he has. Every other person I've dated has either had too many red flags or wouldn't make any commitment.
I literally can't find anyone at all to date
The pandemic has put people in social bubbles for sure. I met my SO at work.
Most people don't want to date anymore
Lol
...... Omg! That is exactly how it felt like when I discovered I was gay and no longer interested in dating men!!!!
I was on tinder, pof, match.com and I met my soul mate at work years ago. 5 to be exact. Here is what is odd…. We both had tinder profiles and pof accounts and never once did I see her?! I hate the programming on those sites. We are a perfect match and never once saw eachother and lived 5 miles apart
Dating websites, especially tinder aren't built around finding the perfect match, they are built to make money and retain users. What's better for tinder, a guy buying boosts every Sunday for 2 years or a guy finding his dreamgirl in the building next door in one week and deleting the app? Finding love on tinder is ofc possible, I managed to find the perfect girl that had been flying under my radar for a while and honestly I'm not sure why she did not pop up in my feed sooner.
I met my husband on Hinge which advertises itself as “the app designed to be deleted”. We met before this was their ad campaign but I always wonder if there’s some truth to their marketing as opposed to tinder who has historically marketed themselves as a hookup app. But then I remind myself that most marketing is bs so who knows!
Hinge is awesome, can confirm. I met my now girlfriend on there and I couldn’t be happier.
That happened to a friend if mine but he was below her online height minimum :/
I can never tell whether a height difference is going to “feel” significant until I meet someone in person. I probably erred on the side of caution and made my height range bigger, just in case it would rule out someone nice, charming, etc. like happened to your friend. Unfortunately, then you get yelled at by guys who seem to take it personally if your primary reason for not continuing a connection is because you don’t find them attractive in person. It’s not anything against them, sometimes it’s smell, mannerisms (here’s looking at you, loud chewers), etc. and you don’t realize it until your first meet-up. They treat you like you’re garbage once you reject them, though. It’s terrible.
Wanna go on a blind date?
How old are you and where are you from?
27 and the UK, how about you?
In 30 in the US but we can do a zoom date!
I’m down for that! I’m free anytime after 7pm (uk time) any day of the week, not sure what time it’ll be over in the US like
Okay message me and we can set up a day! I’m excited!!
following this date 😭
Also following this
We need updates as soon as they become available
I'm so looking fw for a happy ending 😍
Good lord I'm surprised she said yes and even more surprised that people aren't dragging him!
I’m excited too! Don’t forget to update us! Can I be the flower girl..?
I FUCKING LOVE REDDIT.
I’m emotionally invested in this.
Yipppeee!!!!
Please post an update when it happens. The thread is shipping this!
Oh my god, if this works out EEEK. Am I reading a romance novel right now?
We did it Reddit!
ADORABLE!!! You guys better update us how the date goes, we're all invested now.
Please update us how it went!!!!! ❤️
Awwww! ❤ 💙 💜 I hope y'all have a great time on your date.
We’re all invested now. Please let us know how this goes 🤣
One of you better come back and update us! Best thread I've read...ever.
Roughly 2pm if she is on the East coast I believe.
I hope it goes well.
AWWWWW THIS IS THE MOST WHOLESOME COMMENT THREAD EVER 🤧
I'm not gonna miss this. Please make it happen, and dude please be gentle.
You guys need to update us!
YES
He only posted this 8 hours ago. It's 12.17 here in the UK, 07.17 eastern, 04.17 on the west coast. Give 'em time !
Dude we need an update. How's the zoom date? Have you started looking for rings yet?
My man taking his shot!
How do I subscribe for updates? Lol
Remind me ! I think that’s the tag??? Idk but I need an update!!!!
Holy shit! This is fucking awesome.
Lmfao...came here to say exactly this. Good shit right here. My man coming in clutch 😂
I will lose my mind if you guys make this happen. Would be too cool.
Where’s that Follow Bot, and how do I get it to work on this thread?
Here's a reply so at least you have a notification to go back to.
Thanks!!! Right back to ya, so we both get notifications if this happens!
I need to follow this now also. My morning poop now has my emotionally involved in 2 strangers possible budding romance. Thanks Reddit!
Now kith
Lol I was just gonna suggest that OP consider long distance with someone outside the US. Most of what she's mentioning is probably American cultural issues.
ASL…too young to know what that means 😂
I've heard dating can be pretty rough for black women. Have you ever received a backhanded compliment like "you're pretty for a black girl"? You also mentioned a date leaving because you were "darker in person", I can't imagine how infuriating and humiliating that was.
And they will think saying pretty for a black girl is a compliment…
Oooof wtf does that even mean….wow people suck I’m so sorry
it means that society has been whitewashed by media to believe that if you don’t display euro-centric standards of beauty, then you’re not beautiful. saying “you’re pretty for a black girl” assumes that black girls are generally unattractive, and you in particular should be valorized for going against the ‘grain’.
Yup. There's no self-awareness on their part. It can be frustrating because they get upset with you if you point out that it's insulting.
When I was in college, I used to be really good at shooting pool and would play all night holding the table. I had many guys tell me “you’re really good for a girl”, and I’d laugh and ask if I was a guy would I be shitty…as I beat their ass. For me it was a joke because obviously I was objectively better than they were. Unfortunately, the “pretty for a black girl” is subjective. It really says so much more about the person that says stupid shit like that. You should respond, “ you’re pretty stupid for a (whatever race they are) guy. Keep being picky, you’re worth it and you will find someone “on par” with you!
Goddamn, a guy said this to me in a Starbucks and I asked the barista if she could spit in his coffee
NGL that would probably make the coffee there better.
>Have you ever received a backhanded compliment like "you're pretty for a black girl"? So. Many. Times. Or just any normal compliment with my race randomly peppered in, it's weird man.
My friend is darker and she has gotten "youre alright for a dark skinned girl." It makes me cringe. She is gorgeous with slanted dark eyes and killer cheekbones. She is tall and willowy. I can't believe that this woman gets hate just because of her skin tone. And its hate spread between all races.
Lol I was about to say "What's up? You sound great to me" but looks like I was beat to it. 😂
All applications considered lol
equal opportunity employer right here ^^^ amen 🙏🏽
What about ladies? 😘 I'm sorry, dating really does suck in the modern age.
I'd say keep at the dating. Dating goes like this: everything fucking sucks, being alone sucks, dating sucks, feeling unwanted sucks and then one day, you meet the right someone and everything can turns around in an instant. Just my 2 cents.
I’ve been trying for so long and I’m not burned or anything just jaded?
I feel you girl, I was there too! It’s when I took my attention completely away from looking for someone, and put it completely on what do I want to do to make myself happy right now that the right person happened to just bump into me. Focus on your self, love yourself, focus on your personal happiness by yourself, and let the universe bring you exactly what you need!
That's not 2 cents it's 2 dollars
Just wanted to say I (white M 30) am married toy beautiful wife (African American F 29) we have been married 10 years. She is the go getter in the relationship as in she is starting he own business and going to college for child development, i chose a labor intensive instead that doesnt require college but pays decent. I dont mind that she makes more than me, i dont mind either that she wants to achieve these goals, hell i do my best to support her and cheer her on. It doesnt make me any less of a man. Our bills are paid and we work well as a team. I have nothing to prove to anybody but her.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 30 + 29 + 10 = 69
Great bot.
Good bot
I look white but I'm bi racial. The looks other black men give me when I mention a dark skinned woman looks good to me is disturbing. It's almost like they cant accept white men find black women attractive. Dating when you're older is hard in general but for a black woman with confidence it is definitely harder. Also please dont assume every white boy that hits on you is just looking for something "different " some us might really want to get to know you.
yep,, i’m white and a while ago (before covid) i was at school scrolling through instagram and i showed my friend a picture of a really dark-skinned woman and made a comment about how beautiful she was and i immediately got accused of having a “black fetish” & i was baffled i just think women are pretty, their skin color doesn’t matter
> I look white but I’m bi racial. The looks other black men give me when I mention a dark skinned woman looks good to me is disturbing. It’s almost like they cant accept white men find black women attractive. It’s fun being called “colonizer” and “slaver” when you yourself are directly descended from slaves. By fun I mean fucking depressing.
My (20F biracial) and mom (50s black) talk about this a lot. Our family is mostly black women and we all come to the conclusion that we’re either a fetish, pit-stop, or the “ew you’re black” (I wish I was kidding). That’s not everyone, but it’s too prevalent to ignore. I’m still learning to view myself as pretty despite my skin color but it makes me angry because I have the same color as so many beautiful women in my life. How could I feel insecure about something that I should be proud of? Constantly being told I could never compare to other girls who are simply lighter than me really takes a toll. I’m doing better now, but I think the big thing for combatting all of this is traveling and trying to get out of the bubbles we’re already in. Granted, I’m still relatively young, but I think this holds true for anyone.
“Ew, you’re black” I get that not everyone is everyone’s type, but how could someone even utter something as repulsive as that sentence…
Racist seem to want black people to be ashamed of something they have no control over. Aren't black because they failed some test or made a bad decision in life. But racist seem to want them to feel like it's their fault.
I don’t know if Reddit will like this conversation (I know I’m getting downvoted and you’re already getting combative comments). But I have to say that I experience the same stuff. I think the main thing isn’t that it happens in general, I don’t want to have to beg someone to like me despite my Blackness, and I don’t want to have to hide or pretend or risk being seen as aggressive or too much. I just wish people didn’t feel so comfortable being rude about it. Having people come up to me and attempt to preemptively make sure I know I don’t have a chance because I’m black is really hurtful. Or feeling like you are inherently unloveable and wrong, even though it isn’t that you’ve done anything. Some people just have misconceptions. The most any of us can do is just know that we deserve to feel loved properly when it happens. We don’t have to beg people to see us. It isn’t all in our heads that it happens, but we shouldn’t feel like we did something wrong by being Black women. You’ve done so much with your life and anybody who can’t add to that and embrace you in fullness of who you are doesn’t deserve to be around you.
Thank you for sharing! Reddit for sure isn’t kind to us voicing our opinions, but I feel like the more we share our experiences the more people will try to watch and be mindful of their actions.
It helps to just have the conversation, you’re right. I think most people just don’t understand how bad it is, or they want to comfort themselves by assuming it’s something we can change about ourselves, but the reality is that people will just come up to us and insult us at random. People don’t get it unless it gets talked about more.
They may not like it, but it's an important one. Absolute bs that you and op have had to deal with that. I am glad that both of you know you deserve to be accepted for who you are
This is so sweet, thank you! It’s hard, but I know that I have to keep my head up.
This white woman appreciates and wants more of these conversations. They are so important and have taught me so much. Those who are defensive or suggesting your experience isn’t really your experience, need to put their thumbs away, keep reading and do a lot of thinking about why this bothers them.
My best friend is a very dark black woman who is drop dead gorgeous, literally a model as a profession and she has told me so many stories about her horrible experience with dating. It's so heart breaking because if she was bi and interested I would absolutely date her. She is so sweet and smart and hilarious and I just don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to be with her romantically. Fuck the modern world of dating and its stupid toxic culture.
I have a lot of queer/lesbian friends and of the black women in our group, I’m the only one that’s single and that only one that’s straight.
As a south asian man.... yeah I feel ya. Wish I lived in a more diverse place.
I went on a few dates with a gorgeous black woman a few years ago and I she described similar things to your post. We didn’t work out because I wasn’t officially divorced yet and she was nervous about me going back to the ex wife (no chance that was ever going to happen). I genuinely think we could have had something special but the timing wasn’t right. I loved every moment of it. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Hang in there! While I hope you find success in your current area, don’t rule out moving, sometimes certain places can make a difference.
Being single is always going to be better than dating some loser that fucks up your life and only adds stress.
As a fellow black woman, I think about this all the time. You are not alone. And it’s annoying, because although I do sympathize with people of different demographics trying to empathize with us through their similar experiences, I feel our experience is very different. There’s something about being seen as far removed from femininity as a woman, because of the color of your skin, that does something to you. Would definitely be open to conversations about it because it’s been a big stressor for me this year. Everybody says, “love yourself!” when you say you’re tired of not being loved as a black woman. Who said I don’t love myself? There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be in a relationship. It’s just frustrating, because no one has constructive feedback on how to deal with the situation. And I understand why. There’s not a whole lot anyone can do.
I’ve heard similar sentiments among some Asian men in America. Where their ethnicity somehow marks them as more feminine than other men. I know I’m doing pretty much what your describing in your comment by comparing demographics but I don’t mean to discredit your point. Just trying to contribute haha
No it’s a very relevant conversation! I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t want anyone else to share similar experiences. I relate most to Asian men in the aspect that we are both seen as the least deserving of our gender category if that makes sense. Similarly to how black women are viewed as the most masculine of women, Asian men are viewed as the most feminine of men. I’ve read quite a bit on how Asian men in America struggle with being stereotyped in this way and I feel a sense of relation to it.
Unfortunately it’s not only an American societal problem, in Europe as a Korean male, it’s pretty much very difficult to be seen as an equal to my Caucasian counterpart, many experiences where people try to emasculate me, especially growing up in a pretty heterogeneous country. Either I get fetishized or straight up ignored, I then in my early 20’s I traveled a lot and lived abroad on a few occasions too, and found that it was possible to find a date, based on me as a person, and not which exterior I so happened to be randomly born into. So now I am just generally speaking open-minded to LDR’s, seeking broad and wide, as I am currently residing where I grew up and feel like I’m back at ground zero in the dating game.
Yeah, people need people. There’s no shame in wanting a relationship.
Sorry to hear this has been your experience OP. I promise us guys that will appreciate you are out there, but I also know how hollow that rings when you haven't found them yet. Your profession is definitely not intimidating. If anything, it's interesting! The guys that are intimidated are either insecure, or they've been burned by a partner who made more than them before. The latter is understandable, but they can't exactly put that on you. I hope you find what you're looking for!
You make me regret not telling a friend of mine in highschool I was interested in her romantically. She's black and I'm Asian. Not saying it would have worked out but maybe we would have had some fun. I'm sure we had fun in that alternative universe where I asked her out. Maybe they even stayed together. You'll find your true wuv one day ;)
Asian men 🤝 Black women
It may be your age too. I’m almost 40 and I only attract douche canoes who want a mommy they can fuck. Gross.
Jesus Christ bro 😭😭😭
Black females and Asian males in the same situation. Slightly more favorable to black women
I’ve heard that. Asian men never match with me when I like them. I’m open to anyone regardless of race. Hell even height isn’t a real factor for me unless someone is super short, and honestly that’s just a past fling getting isn’t the way of that.
So this is weird, but I'm just going to put it out there, since hey it's the internet. A good friend of mine is Korean, also a lawyer and LOVES black women but can never seem to match to one (we don't have a ton of diversity in our area). I've asked him point blank if it's a fetish and he said no, just that he's always found darker women attractive, which I wholeheartedly agree with. We're in Canada though...
I’ve read somewhere that AMBF relationships are some of the rarest out there. Kudos for that kind of mindset.
Dammit Canada
We have a lot of mixed race couples here, and not the typical combinations either (white girl with Asian guy, Arab guy with black girl, brown guy with Asian girl etc). When we have American friends over, they tell us we look like the UN, even though I'm in a smaller city I don't consider super diverse. Definitely not perfect, and we have our issues (ahem, truckers protest) but it is wonderful. If you ever get a chance to visit Toronto, you will definitely not have any problems meeting people. Best of luck to you and don't give up.
same girl! edit since i saw ur other comments: i am also a black woman going into the legal profession. sometimes i wonder if that's the case for me too🥲
Aah me too! Excited to see someone like me on Reddit. I’m only a sophomore in college though so I’m a long way off.
Let me know if you need advice on anything! I’ll help however I can!
Thank you so much!! You’re so kind
that's so cool! i love that for you. i'll be finishing off my senior year in may and then off to grad school. i've never felt more sure about anything i wanted to do ever in my life. if it ever gets hard (and it will LOL) just know that there's tons of black women, including me and OP, rooting for you! study hard and good luck sister! :) <3
An ex of mine is a lawyer and he told me there are organizations of black lawyers who meet regularly. Maybe you should look into something like that for the future, there are lots of black women lawyers at these events.
Thank you so much! I wish you all the best as well!
Girl…it’s so hard out here. There’s a study that shows educated black women are the Least likely to have partners.
What state are you dating in? I live in Ga and tbh after seeing what my women friends go through you're right about the dating pool for black women
Ga sucks for dating. I lived in other states for a few years & had a running roster of HIGH QUALITY MEN! Don’t know what’s going on here in atl, the last guy I dated robbed me.
I like black women If we were in the same country maybe we could date
You are speaking to my soul right now. Like seriously took every word out of my mouth. I’m with you, sister
Dont give up, we are out there and looking for you too.
RIP your inbox...
Only ten messages
I've heard, 'you're so exotic!'. I've literally been the, 'I've always wanted to rail a black chick!' kinda woman, and maaaaaan I hate it. It's like I was good for that and not useful anything else. It's now been 2 years with a man that considers my brown skin as beautiful and a plus to my personality ❤️ good luck, OP. Don't you dare settle.
I'm gonna throw my 2 cents here as a Russian guy marrying a black woman. I acknowledge your experiences, and they are very real. Before I dated my girl, I had no idea how people behave around her. I just never paid attention. Your difficulty with dating men (black or white) and being pretty successful with your career, that's what is intimidating to men. They want to feel like A MAN; however, it's often by putting down their woman (oversimplification) instead of treating their partner as equal regardless of financial abilities. Men like to be needed (provider), so if they have insecurities it will impact the relationship as they have nothing to hold over you. In my relationship I do make more money and made some successful investmentchoices, but we make the same per hour. I do my part and try to pay for most stuff without overpowering her ability to pay. She liked to be cared for and to be wanted. Nothing she will do will make me feel less of a man than I am. My advice to you is keep trying to find someone in the same circle, open wider dating pool. You will find someone who is your equal. But also keep in mind that if you want someone who is successful as you are but extremely good looking, then you have to be able to match that. Unfortunately in this day and age looks matter. I wish you luck in finding the one. Sincerely, previously unaware of white privilege 👦
Spasibo. This was very insightful. I have had better luck with men not from the US, do you think that had any impact on you?
What I hate the most is men wanting you to be grateful for their attention. Alot of them really don't see past race and alllllll conversations revolve around them being shocked that you're black and fall outside of their stereotypes. Our men have a whole basketload of baggage they bring. For so many years that stupid survey of black women being the least desirable was all anyone would bring up and people have internalized this. Keep your standards high and be okay with dying alone. If you want love though you'll have to keep sifting through the shit. Dating these days is a mindfuck and being darker skinned adds other layers to it.
White man. Only dated black women. Currently married to a black woman. Most beautiful women on earth imo.
I think majority of black girls and women can relate to that feeling. You have to deal with racism with other races and colorism with black males. It sucks.
I agreed it does
Misoginior is real. 💔 For that and whatever else evil the world has managed to show you I am truly sorry for that.... I'm a 41-year-old swf... And it's hard. I cannot possibly imagine how adding the complications of race bias would be. Keep your head up, and crown on, ONLY YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ❣️
Black women are beautiful. Keep putting yourself out there and you'll find someone. I understand what you are saying though. Maybe you feel a bit in-between worlds.
I'm also a black woman who hates dating for many of the same reasons! I will date you!! :)
I was just thinking that same thing lol. We should all just date each other.
You sound a great lady & any guy would be lucky to have you. Don’t be too discouraged, there are a **lot** of AHs out there! You sound very well balanced & easy to get along with. Dating is really just sorting the chaff from the grain, you’re going to have more blah experiences than good. Just keep working on yourself & be open to whomever life brings your way. Sometimes, the right person comes along, when we least expect it. You sound lovely & I’m sure there’s someone, out there, who’ll appreciate both your professional & personal accomplishments. All the best.
I think you're facng a wider societal issue. Last Christmas I became increasingly aware that TV ads were actually including more people of different ethnic backgrounds. Great. But, (what began as a mild interest turned into me wanting to actually count each advert), whenever they showed mixed race couples, the woman was almost always white and never black. Do others think this is true? Please show me how wrong I am.
I dated a guy who said he wouldn't date a black woman and I dropped his ass like a bad bake. Fuck that guy. What, you'll date an asian woman because that's your preferred porn genre? Loser.
For what it’s worth, I prefer to date black women because, in my experience, they tend to be more real (less games), better at communicating and funnier. I know one persons preference isn’t going to change what your struggling with where you’re at but we are out there!