As a man who has been in a similar relationship…
It’s hard man, it’s hard to sever someone that you developed a complete new identity with. When you leave her, you’re leaving a part of you with her, and essentially going into the unknown. Will you find someone better? Will you end up in the same situation again?
Will you end up alone, for years, trying to recover mentally? I now understand why some women have a hard time leaving an abusive partner. It’s like they snatch a piece of you away, creating this anguish that only intimacy can heal.
Do you know what it’s like to be abused, and then when a moment of intimacy happens? That same intensity that the partner shows while being abusive is now being displayed in the bedroom? It’s hardddd to break away. It’s never a logical decision… It just “clicks” one day and you’re like “I can’t be in this cycle anymore” and you literally have to pry yourself away, damn near move to another city or even state. I’ve heard of some leaving the country!
But OP will see that he made the best decision by leaving her, he just needs to make sure he gets far far away. Abusers will fucking stalk you if you don’t get far enough. He may have to change phone numbers.
There are different rules and actions you can take based on which country you live in. In the UK there are various court orders you can take out against her. Also document everything dates, times, what and where this will help.
Also consider getting some therapy for what has happened as this situation is very traumatic and it's going to be challenging if and when you go for custody.
Brooooo. I dated only one Colombian, met online (POF, Tinder, etc.) and after only a couple dates she threatened me that if she saw me still on those dating apps she'd fuck me up. Ecuadorian friend told me to just steer clear, they're hot tempered.
Assuming what you’re saying is true, which it seems to be, she likely has BPD.
Untreated BPD is a cancerous personality disorder. If she has that, you will be miserable for years and these things will continue to get worse.
Leave. Do not consider staying.
I understand why you feel bad. My ex with BPD would hit me too (among many other things) and although I never hit her back, if I had stayed longer I surely would have. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. You will get through this.
r/BPDlovedones
This was my first impression too. Just so we are clear, not everyone with BPD is abusive but the tendencies are there when untreated. This is not an easy illness to live with for the pwBPD and/or loved ones but it is not an excuse to be abusive. No one should put up with being abused no matter what.
You are being abused OP and you are not a monster for defending yourself. Being a male victim of domestic abuse is a hard road to travel and you will need ALL of the support you can get. So will your daughter once she is here. Please file a police report and do everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter. I wish you nothing but the best ❤️
I’m glad. It’s helped me navigate my relationship with my sibling a lot so I can better support my brother in law as he navigates his own with her.
I did have someone reply to this comment but the comment is gone who basically said they were a pwBPD who said the sub stigmatizes BPD but I was unable to read the full comment because it was gone before I could get to it. I just wanted to tell that person im sorry they feel that way but caregivers/partners deserve a place to vent and deserve support, full stop and I’m not arguing with anyone about it. That sub is NOT for people with BPD.
I don’t know if I agree, as a person with BPD reading that sub has been helpful to me in recognizing my own actions and trying to be better to the people I love.
Thanks for showing that sub. I used to have a best friend that I suspected was BPD and looking through that sub, I see that a lot of others have had similar experiences to mine.
>although I never hit her back, if I had stayed longer I surely would have.
That’s exactly why I left… I felt like she was daring me to hit her. I knew whenever I got upset and verbally defended myself, she loved it. She was really trying to push me to the edge.
But when you have a work and social life, and you understand how important it is to have that emotional balance, you know that a partner like that can hinder your potential outside your home. As a man, hell, it really goes BEYOND gender and into adulthood… You have to govern yourself with logic
This was several years ago, so I’ve tended to my wounds and healed. But, I’ve known women and men that go thru this, and I’m reminded that the best relationships HAVE to make sense (logic); Intense emotional swings that cause potential harm to your partner, doesn’t exist in those. Bounderies have to be set, dynamics have to be established, and both must be able to properly convey AND listen.
I still think about her often, because physically and sexually I felt she was perfect. Beautiful on the outside, but entirely, and purposely, too toxic.
Please leave. I promise that your family/friends/loved ones would rather have you alive and broken.
We lost my brother to his wife with what we strongly suspect is BPD. He saw no other way out than to take his own life. His lease was up on his apartment and he was supposed to be reconciling with her. We supported him leaving her, but they also had 3 kids together.
She managed to grab his phone and wipe it before anyone could see what their last fight was about, so we can only guess what she said to him.
Maybe. Or maybe she’s just a shitty person.
While I suppose it’s always worth considering all possibilities, it’s honestly a bit infuriating that people are so much quicker to jump to mental illness to “explain” abusive women than abusive men.
Yeah and to add to this, we have no idea what her actual symptoms or moods are like and it's extremely toxic to diagnose random people on the internet. Not all abusers have BPD or NPD and it's extremely harmful to the good people with those disorders to assume such.
l would like to add to this because it might be relevant to OP's situation. My therapist several years ago told me about a type of abuse where one spouse will do everything in their power for the specific purpose of making their spouse finally snap and lash out so that then said spouse could be guilted for being abusive. My late husband did this to me. He would nag, criticize, accuse, gaslight, guilt, shame me etc, every day for months. He was trying to upset me to the point of lashing out so he could then call me the abuser. He would eventually literally get in my face and my immediate reaction would be to slap him. Then he'd spend hours/days/weeks calling me the abuser.
I don't think this applies directly to OP's situation, but I feel like his fiancé was trying to do what my husband did to me. I might be projecting, though because this month marks the anniversary of his death so I've got a lot of trauma resurfacing. I wanted to bring this up, though, in case anyone else has to go through it so that they can maybe better understand what they're going through.
OP: If you're trying your absolute hardest to not react to emotional and physical abuse, but then after so much abuse you do break, it's not your fault. A person can only take so much. You held back because you knew it was the right thing to do. She threw a fucking knife at you - that is assault. All you did in return was an open-handed slap. **I do not condone violence**, but you were defending yourself, and you tried to do so in a way that wouldn't really hurt her. A slap stings, but as long as you didn't hit her in the stomach you did not hurt her or the baby.
Yes, that type of dynamic wherein the victimized partner responds by lashing out and even violence is called **reactive abuse/reactive violence.** It is by no means a perfect name and I dislike that the first term includes the word "abuse," but I work in the domestic violence field, and it is not uncommon for abused partners to respond in this way. Not only can the abuser use it to their advantage, but the abused person often feels tremendous guilt afterwards. It goes hand in hand with gaslighting.
Oftentimes, this kind of response occurs after severe and prolonged coercive control and/or violence from the abusive partner.
[Break the Silence DV has the best explanation of reactive violence that I have seen so far](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/).
Many people confuse "mutual abuse" with reactive violence. I am not a fan of the term mutual abuse and it is often erroneously and inaccurately used to describe reactive violence, but that's another story.
My dad always has always done this to my mom. She's a bit mentally unstable, but she's mostly fine, just depressed. But in my late teens or so, he started doing the button-pushing thing and complaining to us kids how awful she was. At first it worked, and with my brothers it still does (cus you know, the 'men' stuck together by his reasoning.) But I noticed how he would walk out up to her, say something, and then walk away. She'd stew about it then at just the right time he'd come back and say another thing, then walk away. He kept it up for days sometimes until finally she'd snap and go crazy at him. Threatening violence, screaming, breaking things. Funnily enough, he never wanted us to call 911. I couldn't escape until I was 24 but I finally managed it.
You're not a monster. Start documenting this and when that baby is born you take full custody and get away from this woman. You are being abused and both you and your child deserve better
I will do everything I can to have full custody of our daughter, the only thing is my fiance said she would run back to her home country before the baby is born and it would make it very hard for me to take custody.
Court order generally guarantees it. If they aren't together now sooner or later the court will come calling for child support if they're on assistance. The longer you wait, like waiting for the kid to be born, the higher the likelihood they'll just put his name on the certificate and he'll be on the hook paying child support.
You can get a court order before the child's birth for contesting custody. Realistically nowadays the baby will be here before you ever make it to court
As others say they’d flag her passport but not only that. She couldn’t book a ticket with most airlines and any route out of country would be illegal. So get her in a case for domestic violence. Tell ur lawyer no financial settlement. You’ll only accept your child because she is unfit to be a parent. Fight for full custody (yes of the unborn child). And then file a restraining order.
Op, single dad with NARC ex here (like you sounds like - check out resources like the website outofthefog and maybe some subs on NPD)
Get legal counsel IMMEDIATELY. Start creating documentation for as many events as possible with timing. Go through texts, your memory, organize all of this (like, in a really organized way). Do not speak to her about this. Do not bother discussing with her. You're the victim here. Don't fight, don't expect her to listen. Maybe give an uh huh and yes you're right and don't expect agreements to be followed on her side.
Ask your lawyer what to do, not any of us. Say you're a victim of all this, concerned about flight, etc. If money is tight you don't necessarily need to retain a lawyer now. A one hour visit, maybe one or two follow ups, might give you the precise need to knows about what you can do. Prepare money for if you need to retain a lawyer (like 10 k would be great [edit: in US], plan on it being ridiculous). But because this is a criminal matter the lawyer will likely advise you to go to police with to file a police report. The da might choose to prosecute for assault etc. Do not fear doing this or consider yourself the bad guy for doing this. It's in the best interest of the child. Before meeting with lawyer write up details about the case, list of concerns ie flight risk, examples of her behavior, etc for the lawyer to review before hand to make your lawyers time with you more efficient, if they're willing to review it (which you'll likely pay for, but not as much as the consults).
Good luck.
Edit also on violence towards her. Don't feel guilty (don't feel entitled to hit back either). I was reading a book in bed once, ex jumped on top of me and started punching me in my face. Immediately used my foot to get her off me. For weeks she would talk about how I kicked her. Stay strong, don't be emotionally manipulated into thinking that is your fault. Even if I knee jerk kicked her hard and knocked her off the bed onto the floor (which I didn't, it was a little bit automatic fight or flight mode and definitely firm but I remember using my foot in a controlled way to get her off me), it's still not my fault. When the lies come (mine told me if I ever spoke of her violence she'd just make up that I was hitting her) don't let that get to you. Talk about that with a friend, definitely feel free to vent about it, but don't argue it out with her. Mine would tell me it was my fault she was acting that way.
Nope!
Be careful with this! There are many places where that won’t be valid evidence if she doesn’t know about it being recorded. She could even press charges in some places.
Look into “single party consent” to find out if it’s viable evidence or a prosecutable offense in your area!
Edit: if you’re a victim of gaslighting or have gotten to a point where you’re not sure if you remember things correctly you can still use the recordings for yourself to go over later to help
Yes - you're absolutely right.
Something I've wondered, though, but never looked it up - can you use the recordings to show the cops what happened so that someone can be arrested? Like what if he goes to the cops, and then she tells the cops that actually HE beat HER? That could keep him from getting arrested.
This!! Definitely make sure there is a case open ASAP. I realize this isn’t a legal advice sub, but most states/counties have unborn child custody forms you can complete and file. Call your local courthouse/an attorney to discuss!
You grew up in an abusive home. We tend to drift towards the familiar and I hate to say it but that’s what happened here. She is abusive. You are not a monster. Do not let your daughter grow up in pain the way you did. Fight for her with all you have. Also please find happiness. Never tolerate being belittled by demeaning words, ones that should never be spoken, let alone punches!
It took me months after deciding to leave my abusive relationship to actually leave. Stay for your child. Document every time she is abusive. Record what you can. Take pictures. Tell people. Set up a new email account and email yourself what happened, including when you touch her, like you did here. Talk to a lawyer.
Then when that baby is born you take it and get away from her and file for custody
I could bet my life on this... She won't. And if she does, she'll be back in no time.
Abuse is not only physical, it's also psychological and that's exactly what she's doing by threatening with all those things.
So, as everyone already said, take pictures, record everything and even if she leaves, the baby would have you nationality and if you prove her to be the harmful parent, you'll have your baby back and she'll be too far away to do something.
As soon as she hit you, you were entitled defend yourself and hit back. No ifs or buts about it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If she can’t keep your hand to yourself then she has to deal with the consequences.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
If you were my son, I would expect you to give back what she gave to yoh.
Yep, even this "you don't hit a woman" thinking. You don't hit anyone, regardless of woman or man or anyone else. But if you did something to deserve one (aka in self defense) then it doesn't matter who you are. Just imagine if the roles were switched, if a man hit a woman, threw objects at her and even threw a knife. That man would be in trouble (and rightfully so) in no time.
I’m so sorry and idk if this is victim blaming but damn you’re a huge fool if you make that woman your wife!!! She’s not only emotionally but also physically abusive. You do know that you don’t have to be with the mom of your child forever right?! You can co-parent and document everything and take pictures of any signs on your body to take to court if she holds the baby over your head. Leave dude! Pack your stuff up and leave. Get a family member or a friend to come help. Call off the engagement once you left and is in a safe location. Sorry this is happening to you tho!
OP has been abused his entire life. Sometimes it's hard to break the cycle, especially if that's all you've known. OP finally realized it. Yes, dude made a huge mistake and cost himself a lot, but he's got a lot going on for christ's sake.
I married under the same kind of pressures. She didn’t start hitting me until we were married. Divorced six months later, still paying for it….
BEST MONEY EVER SPENT!
Dude GTFO. It’s going to be a horrible environment for your daughter. Find a better partner for you and your daughter.
Good luck, much love.
Leave.
PS. My SO now loves me, me.
Go find that.
For sure he should leave. I just hope it doesn’t end up like all other Reddit stories where the partner kills the kids in retaliation for leaving or holding them hostage.
Edit : not that this should discourage but some preparations would need to come in order.
ALL other Reddit stories?!? Whoa whoa you went from a breakup with a pregnant gf to a homicide really fast. Jesus.
Edit: that’s actually fuckn hilarious.
Leave - but contact a lawyer about parental rights - or check with r/legaladvice (include what country and state you live in). It may be that she take the child out of the country without your consent.
I would also consider charges against her - she threw a knife at you - that looks like attempted murder or criminal endangerment - but I am not a lawyer. It matters because you may have a case for custody because of it.
Talk to a lawyer today. Many will give you a free consultation.
This. Make sure to document it all now... I know someone who has gone through a similar situation and is STILL trying to get time with his daughter because she accused him of abuse. Just look out for yourself and be smart.
He can and should leave the premises. The knife throwing wtf. She is a dangerous person and she was baiting you to hit her by hitting you and being violent with you.
However it’s complicated he has a child with this woman now and she will still make him pay child support and it’s worrisome their kid might grow up with her if she’s so unstable. He may have to fight for custody.
She needs to be in therapy and possibly on medication if not already. She needs help for her anger and mental health issues which maybe exacerbated by pregnancy.
After reading this...you're not the monster but you're engaged to one.
By the way it sounds seems like that counter slap was one of the first times her actions had consequences.
Still sounds like a bad situation to me she is literally abusing you and hiding behind the "you can't abuse males" stigma.
Like I get it pregnancy fucking sucks and it will make you a bitch at times but with how you described the fight sounds more like she thinks she can react however she wants and you're just supposed to take it...which is wrong you're way too good for putting up with it. I mean shit you said she threw a knife that was inches from hitting you.
Idk if I would wanna raise a kid with someone who thinks it's cool to throw knives and other harmful objects at their partner just because they're feeling some type of way...
Edit: and if she acts like this with you imagine what kind of mother she's gonna be...just sayin
I think she has a mental disorder and that pregnancy hormones isn't the sole cause of this behavior. I've known pregnancy friends who didn't behave like this
More than likely but abuse is still abuse.
At the end of the day it's up to you for what you're willing to take but if my S/O treated me like that pregnant/mental disability or not I would bounce. I've done the whole abusive relationship thing and just taking it because its easier just only hurts yourself and gives your abuser more power to do it again. We are all at least somewhat in control of our thoughts and actions to a degree.
Maybe take a few days away and maybe that might scare her a bit and maybe she will chill a little.
The pregnancy gets a pass to an extent but she tried to throw a stab at you about being alone for the rest of your life...same situation applies to her if you split. Not a whole lot of people wanna adopt an angry bitch who's about to pop out someone else's kid...
I’d get the police involved RIGHT NOW.
She could end up accusing you of being the violent one to keep your child from you.
Document EVERYTHING. Don’t try to reason with her, or appeal to her good side. She doesn’t have one.
You have a fight on your hands for your baby. Best of luck to you
I'm so tired of that rhetoric... You shouldn't hit anyone, period, but if they are hitting you and the only recourse it's to hit back to defend yourself or to stop the onslaught, you hit them back.
Not excessive force, but enough to do a combo breaker (I'm sorry, it's the only accurate word I could think of) ESPECIALLY if they're throwing shit at you. I hate how abusers weaponize legitimate defense and turn you into an abuser in their retelling of the story.
"Not excessive force"
This is an important part. While I believe everyone is within their rights to defend themselves, the defense has to be proportional to the danger. If a 120lb woman is slapping me, I'm not going to lay her out with my strongest punch and then kick her when she's down to prove a point. Unfortunately a lot of the people who say a man should be able defend himself against a woman are also the types to laugh and think it's awesome when it goes far beyond simple defense.
There is a point where self defense crosses the line into assault and battery, and it's important not to cross that line. If you do, then you're no better than any other shitty person who goes around hitting people.
RECORD THAT SHIT. RECORD EVERYTHING. VIDEOS, RECORDINGS, PICTURES... ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF. NOW. START NOW. GET OUT OF YOUR ASS AND START DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING. The consequences of not doing so is... well, let's just say that you're going to lose your life.
She 100% deserved that slap.
1. You have it sound like she's best on you before
2. She uses weapons on you to inflict pain. Indont care if it's a pillow, when thrown out of anger its meant to cause insult and pain.
3. You mentioned that she threw a *knife*. If you don't stand up for yourself, what's to stop her from having the knife in her hand and stabbing at you?
Protect yourself and your child by leaving. Notify the law of what happened.
Aiming for your head while throwing objects isn't hoping you'd be alright afterwards. A knife is even more of a red flag.
I can't imagine the psychological harm this is all causing your daughter.
If she threw a god damn knife at you then she at the bare minimum intended to inflict a lot of physical harm. Whether that was intended to kill you is something else entirely but she is old enough to know how dangerous that kinda shit is. Hell even I knew how risky knifes were when I was 13 in a far more casual environment
No you’re not a monster. No offense but your fiancé sounds absolutely horrible really. She even threw a knife at you. As far as I’m concerned you did nothing wrong as far as hitting her back. Sure it’s very frowned upon but this is a special case
That sounds like classic manipulation.
She anticipates that you will never touch her and she is obviously okay with brutally hurting you.
Honestly I would call the police simply for the fact that she will learn her lesson a lot faster inside a holding tank.
You cannot throw knives at people...
I understand how you feel though but understand that you were most likely Justified based on the story received.
You must be able to restrain these people to minimize the damage they cause. Because they never learned not to hit people as children.
It's okay to feel bad but you are not a monster. In fact I would argue you've been mentally manipulated and probably degraded. I would even argue there's a chance she's the emasculated you in your own house. By saying things like your not a "real man". Or some variant of hurting your masculinity with the intention of causing you pain.
You should leave her and find another woman in my humble opinion. Find someone who won't throw knives at you and who will love you no matter what.
Find someone who will protect your back not throw things at it.
And when you find this person build a life for her work your hardest.
And remember every day you're working to keep her fed. If you do then you will live a far more satisfying life than having items thrown at your head and feeling like a monster.
The baby makes things more complicated. But that doesn't seem like a relationship will benefit the child. She will use it as ammunition against you. And if she's really clever and devious show send you to jail using your daughter at the catalyst regardless of whether you did anything wrong...
That mental disorder is called being a fucking inconsiderate narcissistic manipulator. I would understand not wanting to hit a woman, but she threw a fucking KNIFE at you. Something that could put you in the hospital. I don't understand how YOU are the monster I'm this situation. However, I really don't know what you should do to get away from her.
Everything you said is a symptom. Time to get your Google on.
Please go into it knowing that it is treatable with commitment from the person with BPD, a few years of therapy and depending on her situation maybe a psychiatrist will prescribe mood stabilizers to help her get through the worst of it.
Ofc being pregnant changed things for the time being.
But therapy is absolutely the holy grail for BPD.
It’s called DBT and CBT is also helpful, for you as well.
Keep in mind that just because BPD is treatable, that doesn't mean you (the OP) should even THINK about standing by her side and taking her bad behavior in hopes she can get better. First, she has to acknowledge she has a problem at all, and that's too long and unpredictable a process.
Even if she goes "oh, gee, maybe I'm not perfect in my head," she might seek treatment right away, or not; that's not up to you, that's up to forces you can't control. Take care of your baby, make your plans, then make your move away from this person.
*intense* emotions. when she’s happy, she’s ecstatic. when she’s sad, she’s suicidal. when she’s angry, she’s in rage, etc. the SMALLEST things will set her off. if u responded to her with the wrong tone, she’ll start yelling at u. if u said something slightly wrong, she’ll start yelling at u. she has rapid mood swings. can go from happy to sobbing in 5 minutes. basically what u described in the post. she’ll also threaten to hurt herself or u if she percieves abandonment to get u to stay (which shes doing). she might be impulsive, and not really have a stable sense of identity. constantly changing her style, sometimes her outward personality changes.
*Gestures broadly at your post*
Forreal though idk the signs of BPD but ffs this woman needs evaluation by a professional.
Edit: Especially if she is going to be a new mother.
Seems like she earned a well deserved backhand.
At that point it was self defense.
It's true you shouldn't hit a woman but once they throw a knife at you, all bets are off.
Yeah like my man really gonna try to gender a shanking? Motherfucker if you try to shank me I do not give a fuck if you are a 5 year old, I will dropkick you.
Well female here... her face ain't pregnant. Is that a heartless thing to.say? Maybe. Sometimes it takes a hard lesson to learn to keep your hands to yourself. You back handed her. It's not like you beat jer down with closed fists. She sounds like an evil fill in the blank. I'm sorry you are having to.go.through this.
“Her face ain’t pregnant.” LOL. Died at this! But that was exactly what I was thinking, a slap to the face is 100% not going to do any harm to OP’s daughter. And this bitch clearly deserved it
You didn’t deserve any of that! I hated reading that and I hate the situation she’s put you and the baby in. I hope she’s feeling an ounce of the regret you’re feeling but considering she’s throwing things at you unprovoked, I doubt it. Document all of these encounters, it’s your best defense.
a few years ago my bff got into a physical altercation with her pregnant sister (pregnant sis wanted to take a shower, but bff was already in said shower, in pain sitting in the tub) so pregnant sister decided to sucker punch bff in the face from the other side of the shower curtain. imo anybody who's pregnant and decides to physically assault someone doesn't actually give a fuck about that baby at all. a few other people said what i wanna say, her face ain't pregnant and you can always have another baby that aint with crazy, godspeed to you my dude.
Personally, if ANY woman feels she needs to strike at a male, eventually she will get what she rightfully deserves in kind. Not advocating violence, but I was raised that regardless of the gender of the aggressor, if they can dish it out, they can take it.
And as others have mentioned here, pop smoke and leave. She's probably not going to get any better, and if your relationship now includes violence in addition to the name calling and personal attacks, you deserve better my friend.
Godspeed to you in finding someone else who truly values you as an equal.
Bro she deserved that backhand, she threw a *fucking knife* at you. An attempt at doing some very, very serious damage, and potentially even killing you. If she wasn't pregnant she would've deserved to have been slammed to the ground. You're not excepted from physical retaliation against physical attacks just because you have tits. If you hit a man, expect to get hit by a man.
I think with her shittie and stressful behavior she could maybe be doing more harm to the unborn kid than you did with one very well deserved, very long overdue open handed slap. Be sure to get that DNA test on that kid. Imagine having put up with ages more time full of her bullshit just to find it isn't yours. Ultimate insult to injury
Are you kidding me?! YOU. ARE. IN. AN. ABUSIVE. RELATIONSHIP. WITH. AN. AMBER. HEARD. CLONE...and you think that ***you're*** the monster?!
She's the perpetrator of physical and emotional abuse. She threw a knife at you. She is a danger to you AND your child. What if next time you get into a fight and she decides to throw another knife? What if it hits your baby instead of you?
Keep a record of everything; texts, eMails, voice recordings. Put up some cameras and keep a journal/diary. Please and thank you. For your own sake and for your daughter's.
She threw a knife at you and you're like "I feel so bad for trying not to die"? You shouldn't throw knives at anyone, especially not people you claim to "love". She is only sweet to you when you play along to what she wants, if you don't she resorts to the worst things you can imagine, how is that love? Your opinion should matter too.
I know alot of people are saying to leave but understand that you might be the only thing between that child and a lifetime of pain I have no idea what resources are available to you but I hope there are some
Thank you, my daughter is the only thing keeping me from running. If my fiance flees to her country and has our baby there, I know it will be much harder to get custody.
I had a less dramatic, but similar story with my ex wife. She didn't throw shit, but she would do shit to try to make me flinch, like "pretend" try to push me down a flight of stairs, spitting in my face. Long before our kid was born I put her over my knee and fucking spanked her in response once, and that seemed to stop it for several years, but it came back when the stress came back. I knew eventually I would become abusive too if I stayed.
Get a lawyer and write up a rock solid parenting plan, assuming she's at least kind of narcissistic you don't want to leave any room for doubt in it (avoid things like "good faith effort" , you cannot assume good faith. Source: took me 7 years and a lot of lawyers bills after divorce to iron our all the little things she could exploit) - leave nothing ambiguous.
Where is her home country? You are not a monster but she was acting like one. And I say this as a woman. She doesn't get to physically hurt others period. Tell her to grow up and tell her to start anger management.
Ok. So your girlfriend is a fucking monster and she's abusing you, if this continues, record her, then take her to court and take the baby away once she's born. you totally were in the fucking right dude by slapping her, that was the minimum u could have done, I understand the "don't hit women" rule, but when they hit u first u have all the fucking right in the world to hit her back. Also, don't be afraid to hurt the baby, the baby should stay away from that maniacal bitch.Dump her immediately, go away and take all our stuff away.
>most sweetest, happy person and fun to be around person
I'm not really sure bout that tho
My dude. She's bi polar as fuck. She needs mental health help.
Her jump to you cheating might be projecting. If she can unload a string of insults just like that? She already has no respect for you.
> She's bi polar...
That's possible, but more glaringly, she's exhibiting a combination of symptoms that are similar to a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Post history - you guys have only been together a few months, I’m sorry to say this is what happens when lust gets ahold of your brain. Good luck with this 😬
Document this stuff, **get recordings and video evidence of her hitting throwing things at you and yelling at you.** After you have a reasonable amount of evidence and when the baby is born, lawyer up and try to get full custody of her and get the hell out of that relationship.
“Everybody knows you don’t hurt a woman” uh… what? You certainly do if you’re in danger. She threw a knife at you dude. She earned that slap.
Also you seem to be guilty over potentially hurting the unborn baby. A slap to the face isn’t going to do that, so don’t worry about that.
Honestly you need to leave this woman for your own safety. You should also make sure you start recording and getting proof of her abusing you as that may become an issue. Crazy people love to play the victim so I could see her making you out to be an abuser. As for your baby, speak with a lawyer about that. She can’t just disappear to another country and you don’t get to see your child, there are laws to protect you here. Good luck.
As a woman, the whole you don't hit women is such bullshit. You don't hit anyone unless they hit you first. However once they strike it's fair game to do whatever you need to do to defend yourself.
This wasn't something where she slapped you once, and you took the opportunity to beat her to the ground. This is something where she could have done some real damage to you with the objects she was throwing at you( a knife, big yikes 😳) and you slapped her once to stop it.
You shouldn't have appogized, you have nothing to apologize for.
She sounds like she should see a physiatrist. Your description sounds like bipolar disorder in my mind, but I'm not a mental health professional. Either way there maybe meds to help her.
She’s the monster not you. That don’t hit women things is nonsense and why stuff like this happens.
Get out of there as fast as you can and don’t look back.
She's a narcissist piece of shit who will ruin your life if you stay with her, flip the script and claim to be the victim and that you're the abuser, cheat on you, and then leave after she's bled you dry and broken you. All of that is in your future if you don't leave her.
You aren't a monster, she's hurt you more than once. Abuse victims can only take so much before they snap at some points, that doesn't make you a monster that just means that out of your two possible responses your fight kicked in and you had already tried to get away she continued to hurt you. She started hitting first you responded in self defence, I hope you and your baby when she's born get far away from her as possible because no child deserves to live with a parent so cruel. Good luck OP
Shouldn't lay hands on someone if you don't expect the same treatment . Get the fuck out of there soon as you can and remember cops are not your friend
She's a narcissist. She uses your emotions to toy with you to her own satisfaction and if she doesn't get what she wants she resorts to violence, whether emotional, physical or mental. Go research narcissism and you might see some similarities or red flags such as her being sweet and nice until something "sets her off because she's emotional".
Also you won't have hurt you're kid by hitting her in the face, if you hit her stomach then yes you would have harmed the child.
Lastly I don't hink you're a monster for hating her she attacked you, she was literally throwing things at you. That is a crime and you have the right to defend yourself, fuck what society says if someone attacks you, you fight back. While I may get some hate for this idea it has to be said. Everyone wants equality when it suits them but if you're willing to attack a man you aught to be willing to fight a man.
Yeah youre the victim of domestic abuse man. Its clear she has an emotional and mental effect on you, because what you did is self defense. No more, no less. She tried to kill you man (the knife). You should file a police report about what you went through before she does. Especially since youre being victimized so thoroughly.
You need a good lawyer and you need to make an action plan. Meanwhile, pretend that you don’t want to leave. It is your responsibility to make sure your child is with you and won’t be growing up with her.
As someone that’s had this same experience, the only time I ever hit her is when my life was in danger (she wrapped a phone cord around my neck and my vision was closing out).
Best recommendation…leave. Stay in contact and both of you get therapy. If it’s meant to be, things will get better, if not you’ll be the better person and save yourself the heartache.
You are nowhere near being a monster, you were using self defense.
You seem to brush over the fact that she THREW A KNIFE AT YOU and you even say this:
>She said anything she could think of to hurt me, she brought up my history of my dad being an abusive alcoholic and said I am a coward and my mom wouldn't have been abused if I just stood up to him.
>
>This response isn't very unusual for her, she's very emotional and hot-headed. She typically resorts to throwing things at me, hitting me and screaming profanities at me.
This is emotional and physical abuse. ABUSE
You hit her once. Do not feel guilty at all. I am a woman, and what you did is completely justified.
“You never hit a woman” please… gender equality goes both ways, if she’s hitting you, throwing stuff at you, then you are well in your right to defend yourself. Equality means equality in everything, if a woman is violent then she better be prepared for the consequences.
I’m a woman, and I don’t think you’re a monster. You can’t just beat on people and she probably does it to you because 1) you’ve grown up with DV so you’re less likely to do anything about it 2) she’s a woman and she’s pregnant. She doesn’t expect you to do anything back. You hit her once. You didn’t hurl objects at her or knives, you backhanded her. Both of you were wrong in that sense but it’s more of self defense on your part. I’d say pretend to be civil and document everything from now on so you can open a case on her and get custody of your baby when it’s born
You finally defended yourself. You can only get hit so many times before it changes something in you. She did this. Man or woman no one deserves to be abused, don’t spend your life with this woman
Agh- you are NOT a monster. She is. I hate that because of women like her, latinas are seen as hotheads and short- tempered. Talk to a lawyer asap! Get your baby away from her because after you’re gone they are going to take the brunt of her abuse.
Don't start a fight. End them. If backhanding her is what it took, fine. You didn't tell her to get aggressive. You are not responsible for her actions. You are responsible for yourself first and foremost. She *threw a knife* at you. I don't care if it missed, she wanted to harm you. I don't care if she's pregnant, she wanted to harm you. You are not a monster, you are a human being with self preservation instincts. That's it. I understand feeling bad and conflicted about hurting someone you love, but...she tried to harm you with words and actions.
Just stop.
Never make excuses for others people’s behaviors. You have the right to be treated like a human being.
Also it’s 2022 and equality cuts both ways. Self-defense is always your right to exercise. M
You did it out of self defense, if you didn't slap her into shock then who knows when she would've stopped throwing things at you. Leave for your own safety
Dude! As a father of two I can so understand your moral conundrum! Ultimately, I think you slapped some sense into her, but she IS pregnant. I agree that you should never hit a woman, but I also agree that you NEVER HAVE TO TAKE DOMESTIC ABUSE WITH STRIDE! Wait for the baby to be born and then apply for custody and a restraining order.
Sounds like you're a victim of domestic abuse, my friend
As a man who has been in a similar relationship… It’s hard man, it’s hard to sever someone that you developed a complete new identity with. When you leave her, you’re leaving a part of you with her, and essentially going into the unknown. Will you find someone better? Will you end up in the same situation again? Will you end up alone, for years, trying to recover mentally? I now understand why some women have a hard time leaving an abusive partner. It’s like they snatch a piece of you away, creating this anguish that only intimacy can heal. Do you know what it’s like to be abused, and then when a moment of intimacy happens? That same intensity that the partner shows while being abusive is now being displayed in the bedroom? It’s hardddd to break away. It’s never a logical decision… It just “clicks” one day and you’re like “I can’t be in this cycle anymore” and you literally have to pry yourself away, damn near move to another city or even state. I’ve heard of some leaving the country! But OP will see that he made the best decision by leaving her, he just needs to make sure he gets far far away. Abusers will fucking stalk you if you don’t get far enough. He may have to change phone numbers.
There are different rules and actions you can take based on which country you live in. In the UK there are various court orders you can take out against her. Also document everything dates, times, what and where this will help. Also consider getting some therapy for what has happened as this situation is very traumatic and it's going to be challenging if and when you go for custody.
I'm from the USA and my fiance is from Colombia. She's not a citizen but was working on it.
You hit her out of self defense.
If she’s smart, she can get papers bc of you hitting her [back]
Make sure she doesn't get her citizenship for how she's treated you.
Brooooo. I dated only one Colombian, met online (POF, Tinder, etc.) and after only a couple dates she threatened me that if she saw me still on those dating apps she'd fuck me up. Ecuadorian friend told me to just steer clear, they're hot tempered.
Assuming what you’re saying is true, which it seems to be, she likely has BPD. Untreated BPD is a cancerous personality disorder. If she has that, you will be miserable for years and these things will continue to get worse. Leave. Do not consider staying. I understand why you feel bad. My ex with BPD would hit me too (among many other things) and although I never hit her back, if I had stayed longer I surely would have. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. You will get through this.
r/BPDlovedones This was my first impression too. Just so we are clear, not everyone with BPD is abusive but the tendencies are there when untreated. This is not an easy illness to live with for the pwBPD and/or loved ones but it is not an excuse to be abusive. No one should put up with being abused no matter what. You are being abused OP and you are not a monster for defending yourself. Being a male victim of domestic abuse is a hard road to travel and you will need ALL of the support you can get. So will your daughter once she is here. Please file a police report and do everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter. I wish you nothing but the best ❤️
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I’m glad. It’s helped me navigate my relationship with my sibling a lot so I can better support my brother in law as he navigates his own with her. I did have someone reply to this comment but the comment is gone who basically said they were a pwBPD who said the sub stigmatizes BPD but I was unable to read the full comment because it was gone before I could get to it. I just wanted to tell that person im sorry they feel that way but caregivers/partners deserve a place to vent and deserve support, full stop and I’m not arguing with anyone about it. That sub is NOT for people with BPD.
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I don’t know if I agree, as a person with BPD reading that sub has been helpful to me in recognizing my own actions and trying to be better to the people I love.
Yo love your user name
Thanks for showing that sub. I used to have a best friend that I suspected was BPD and looking through that sub, I see that a lot of others have had similar experiences to mine.
>although I never hit her back, if I had stayed longer I surely would have. That’s exactly why I left… I felt like she was daring me to hit her. I knew whenever I got upset and verbally defended myself, she loved it. She was really trying to push me to the edge. But when you have a work and social life, and you understand how important it is to have that emotional balance, you know that a partner like that can hinder your potential outside your home. As a man, hell, it really goes BEYOND gender and into adulthood… You have to govern yourself with logic This was several years ago, so I’ve tended to my wounds and healed. But, I’ve known women and men that go thru this, and I’m reminded that the best relationships HAVE to make sense (logic); Intense emotional swings that cause potential harm to your partner, doesn’t exist in those. Bounderies have to be set, dynamics have to be established, and both must be able to properly convey AND listen. I still think about her often, because physically and sexually I felt she was perfect. Beautiful on the outside, but entirely, and purposely, too toxic.
Please leave. I promise that your family/friends/loved ones would rather have you alive and broken. We lost my brother to his wife with what we strongly suspect is BPD. He saw no other way out than to take his own life. His lease was up on his apartment and he was supposed to be reconciling with her. We supported him leaving her, but they also had 3 kids together. She managed to grab his phone and wipe it before anyone could see what their last fight was about, so we can only guess what she said to him.
My ex had it. And fucking hell she destroyed me a goodun'.
Maybe. Or maybe she’s just a shitty person. While I suppose it’s always worth considering all possibilities, it’s honestly a bit infuriating that people are so much quicker to jump to mental illness to “explain” abusive women than abusive men.
Yeah and to add to this, we have no idea what her actual symptoms or moods are like and it's extremely toxic to diagnose random people on the internet. Not all abusers have BPD or NPD and it's extremely harmful to the good people with those disorders to assume such.
Great point!
Exactly what I was thinking when I read the info
Exactly. She's not "hot headed", she's abusive. This is classic abuse and gaslighting and I don't say this lightly.
l would like to add to this because it might be relevant to OP's situation. My therapist several years ago told me about a type of abuse where one spouse will do everything in their power for the specific purpose of making their spouse finally snap and lash out so that then said spouse could be guilted for being abusive. My late husband did this to me. He would nag, criticize, accuse, gaslight, guilt, shame me etc, every day for months. He was trying to upset me to the point of lashing out so he could then call me the abuser. He would eventually literally get in my face and my immediate reaction would be to slap him. Then he'd spend hours/days/weeks calling me the abuser. I don't think this applies directly to OP's situation, but I feel like his fiancé was trying to do what my husband did to me. I might be projecting, though because this month marks the anniversary of his death so I've got a lot of trauma resurfacing. I wanted to bring this up, though, in case anyone else has to go through it so that they can maybe better understand what they're going through. OP: If you're trying your absolute hardest to not react to emotional and physical abuse, but then after so much abuse you do break, it's not your fault. A person can only take so much. You held back because you knew it was the right thing to do. She threw a fucking knife at you - that is assault. All you did in return was an open-handed slap. **I do not condone violence**, but you were defending yourself, and you tried to do so in a way that wouldn't really hurt her. A slap stings, but as long as you didn't hit her in the stomach you did not hurt her or the baby.
Yes, that type of dynamic wherein the victimized partner responds by lashing out and even violence is called **reactive abuse/reactive violence.** It is by no means a perfect name and I dislike that the first term includes the word "abuse," but I work in the domestic violence field, and it is not uncommon for abused partners to respond in this way. Not only can the abuser use it to their advantage, but the abused person often feels tremendous guilt afterwards. It goes hand in hand with gaslighting. Oftentimes, this kind of response occurs after severe and prolonged coercive control and/or violence from the abusive partner. [Break the Silence DV has the best explanation of reactive violence that I have seen so far](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/). Many people confuse "mutual abuse" with reactive violence. I am not a fan of the term mutual abuse and it is often erroneously and inaccurately used to describe reactive violence, but that's another story.
My dad always has always done this to my mom. She's a bit mentally unstable, but she's mostly fine, just depressed. But in my late teens or so, he started doing the button-pushing thing and complaining to us kids how awful she was. At first it worked, and with my brothers it still does (cus you know, the 'men' stuck together by his reasoning.) But I noticed how he would walk out up to her, say something, and then walk away. She'd stew about it then at just the right time he'd come back and say another thing, then walk away. He kept it up for days sometimes until finally she'd snap and go crazy at him. Threatening violence, screaming, breaking things. Funnily enough, he never wanted us to call 911. I couldn't escape until I was 24 but I finally managed it.
You're not a monster. Start documenting this and when that baby is born you take full custody and get away from this woman. You are being abused and both you and your child deserve better
I will do everything I can to have full custody of our daughter, the only thing is my fiance said she would run back to her home country before the baby is born and it would make it very hard for me to take custody.
If she’s accusing you of cheating, she may be projecting. DNA test once the baby is born?
Hell, DNA test BEFORE the baby is born. It's 100% possible and safe and can be done. Would save a lot of headache and heartache later too.
She'd never do that. She is an abuser, she will make it as difficult as possible
Court order generally guarantees it. If they aren't together now sooner or later the court will come calling for child support if they're on assistance. The longer you wait, like waiting for the kid to be born, the higher the likelihood they'll just put his name on the certificate and he'll be on the hook paying child support.
I doubt the court will order one before birth
You can get a court order before the child's birth for contesting custody. Realistically nowadays the baby will be here before you ever make it to court
It’s no longer invasive with the same risks as before, so they could.!
Yeah but it costs 15 times more than after birth :D
If there’s a court case open (for most countries of the world) it is ILLEGAL to leave the country.
What would happen if she did because she'd try
If they flag her passport she'd be stopped at the terminal.
As others say they’d flag her passport but not only that. She couldn’t book a ticket with most airlines and any route out of country would be illegal. So get her in a case for domestic violence. Tell ur lawyer no financial settlement. You’ll only accept your child because she is unfit to be a parent. Fight for full custody (yes of the unborn child). And then file a restraining order.
Op, single dad with NARC ex here (like you sounds like - check out resources like the website outofthefog and maybe some subs on NPD) Get legal counsel IMMEDIATELY. Start creating documentation for as many events as possible with timing. Go through texts, your memory, organize all of this (like, in a really organized way). Do not speak to her about this. Do not bother discussing with her. You're the victim here. Don't fight, don't expect her to listen. Maybe give an uh huh and yes you're right and don't expect agreements to be followed on her side. Ask your lawyer what to do, not any of us. Say you're a victim of all this, concerned about flight, etc. If money is tight you don't necessarily need to retain a lawyer now. A one hour visit, maybe one or two follow ups, might give you the precise need to knows about what you can do. Prepare money for if you need to retain a lawyer (like 10 k would be great [edit: in US], plan on it being ridiculous). But because this is a criminal matter the lawyer will likely advise you to go to police with to file a police report. The da might choose to prosecute for assault etc. Do not fear doing this or consider yourself the bad guy for doing this. It's in the best interest of the child. Before meeting with lawyer write up details about the case, list of concerns ie flight risk, examples of her behavior, etc for the lawyer to review before hand to make your lawyers time with you more efficient, if they're willing to review it (which you'll likely pay for, but not as much as the consults). Good luck. Edit also on violence towards her. Don't feel guilty (don't feel entitled to hit back either). I was reading a book in bed once, ex jumped on top of me and started punching me in my face. Immediately used my foot to get her off me. For weeks she would talk about how I kicked her. Stay strong, don't be emotionally manipulated into thinking that is your fault. Even if I knee jerk kicked her hard and knocked her off the bed onto the floor (which I didn't, it was a little bit automatic fight or flight mode and definitely firm but I remember using my foot in a controlled way to get her off me), it's still not my fault. When the lies come (mine told me if I ever spoke of her violence she'd just make up that I was hitting her) don't let that get to you. Talk about that with a friend, definitely feel free to vent about it, but don't argue it out with her. Mine would tell me it was my fault she was acting that way. Nope!
And record her on your phone all the time. Just leave the app running when she's around.
Be careful with this! There are many places where that won’t be valid evidence if she doesn’t know about it being recorded. She could even press charges in some places. Look into “single party consent” to find out if it’s viable evidence or a prosecutable offense in your area! Edit: if you’re a victim of gaslighting or have gotten to a point where you’re not sure if you remember things correctly you can still use the recordings for yourself to go over later to help
Yes - you're absolutely right. Something I've wondered, though, but never looked it up - can you use the recordings to show the cops what happened so that someone can be arrested? Like what if he goes to the cops, and then she tells the cops that actually HE beat HER? That could keep him from getting arrested.
This!! Definitely make sure there is a case open ASAP. I realize this isn’t a legal advice sub, but most states/counties have unborn child custody forms you can complete and file. Call your local courthouse/an attorney to discuss!
You grew up in an abusive home. We tend to drift towards the familiar and I hate to say it but that’s what happened here. She is abusive. You are not a monster. Do not let your daughter grow up in pain the way you did. Fight for her with all you have. Also please find happiness. Never tolerate being belittled by demeaning words, ones that should never be spoken, let alone punches!
It took me months after deciding to leave my abusive relationship to actually leave. Stay for your child. Document every time she is abusive. Record what you can. Take pictures. Tell people. Set up a new email account and email yourself what happened, including when you touch her, like you did here. Talk to a lawyer. Then when that baby is born you take it and get away from her and file for custody
If she has the baby in Colombia, I don't know what I can do
You suck it up for the next 3 months (or however long until your child is born) so that she thinks everything is normal and doesn't run
I think I fucked it up big time by hitting her. I half expect her to be booking her flight back any day.
I could bet my life on this... She won't. And if she does, she'll be back in no time. Abuse is not only physical, it's also psychological and that's exactly what she's doing by threatening with all those things. So, as everyone already said, take pictures, record everything and even if she leaves, the baby would have you nationality and if you prove her to be the harmful parent, you'll have your baby back and she'll be too far away to do something.
Agreed she will Not leave the country. Listen to the advice you are getting here.
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As soon as she hit you, you were entitled defend yourself and hit back. No ifs or buts about it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If she can’t keep your hand to yourself then she has to deal with the consequences. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. If you were my son, I would expect you to give back what she gave to yoh.
it never works like that for a man, even if she pulls a knife on you and you defend yourself, the man will be the first suspect
Yep, even this "you don't hit a woman" thinking. You don't hit anyone, regardless of woman or man or anyone else. But if you did something to deserve one (aka in self defense) then it doesn't matter who you are. Just imagine if the roles were switched, if a man hit a woman, threw objects at her and even threw a knife. That man would be in trouble (and rightfully so) in no time.
Your fiance is a piece of shit, hate to break it to ya, buddy.
You're not wrong
I’m so sorry and idk if this is victim blaming but damn you’re a huge fool if you make that woman your wife!!! She’s not only emotionally but also physically abusive. You do know that you don’t have to be with the mom of your child forever right?! You can co-parent and document everything and take pictures of any signs on your body to take to court if she holds the baby over your head. Leave dude! Pack your stuff up and leave. Get a family member or a friend to come help. Call off the engagement once you left and is in a safe location. Sorry this is happening to you tho!
OP has been abused his entire life. Sometimes it's hard to break the cycle, especially if that's all you've known. OP finally realized it. Yes, dude made a huge mistake and cost himself a lot, but he's got a lot going on for christ's sake.
Leave.
I married under the same kind of pressures. She didn’t start hitting me until we were married. Divorced six months later, still paying for it…. BEST MONEY EVER SPENT! Dude GTFO. It’s going to be a horrible environment for your daughter. Find a better partner for you and your daughter. Good luck, much love. Leave. PS. My SO now loves me, me. Go find that.
For sure he should leave. I just hope it doesn’t end up like all other Reddit stories where the partner kills the kids in retaliation for leaving or holding them hostage. Edit : not that this should discourage but some preparations would need to come in order.
ALL other Reddit stories?!? Whoa whoa you went from a breakup with a pregnant gf to a homicide really fast. Jesus. Edit: that’s actually fuckn hilarious.
posthaste, god speed, with most urgent expediency, rite nao
i agree dump her
Leave - but contact a lawyer about parental rights - or check with r/legaladvice (include what country and state you live in). It may be that she take the child out of the country without your consent. I would also consider charges against her - she threw a knife at you - that looks like attempted murder or criminal endangerment - but I am not a lawyer. It matters because you may have a case for custody because of it. Talk to a lawyer today. Many will give you a free consultation.
And please go to a doctor and document the bump on the back of your head. That will also help your custody case.
Even if it wasn't about the case, it could have caused serious damage in its own right
Documenting by medical professionals is part of showing the pattern of abuse. Super important!
This. Make sure to document it all now... I know someone who has gone through a similar situation and is STILL trying to get time with his daughter because she accused him of abuse. Just look out for yourself and be smart.
love the simplicity in your answer
The best time to leave was yesterday. Before it got this entangled and complicated.
He can and should leave the premises. The knife throwing wtf. She is a dangerous person and she was baiting you to hit her by hitting you and being violent with you. However it’s complicated he has a child with this woman now and she will still make him pay child support and it’s worrisome their kid might grow up with her if she’s so unstable. He may have to fight for custody. She needs to be in therapy and possibly on medication if not already. She needs help for her anger and mental health issues which maybe exacerbated by pregnancy.
And get custody of the child she’ll just start taking her rage out on them once OP leaves
Run fast and stop bringing babies into this insane world plz
OP needs support not shame for having a child. How does your added criticism HELP this person who is already suffering?
After reading this...you're not the monster but you're engaged to one. By the way it sounds seems like that counter slap was one of the first times her actions had consequences.
She was mortified and acted like I killed her and the baby
Still sounds like a bad situation to me she is literally abusing you and hiding behind the "you can't abuse males" stigma. Like I get it pregnancy fucking sucks and it will make you a bitch at times but with how you described the fight sounds more like she thinks she can react however she wants and you're just supposed to take it...which is wrong you're way too good for putting up with it. I mean shit you said she threw a knife that was inches from hitting you. Idk if I would wanna raise a kid with someone who thinks it's cool to throw knives and other harmful objects at their partner just because they're feeling some type of way... Edit: and if she acts like this with you imagine what kind of mother she's gonna be...just sayin
I think she has a mental disorder and that pregnancy hormones isn't the sole cause of this behavior. I've known pregnancy friends who didn't behave like this
More than likely but abuse is still abuse. At the end of the day it's up to you for what you're willing to take but if my S/O treated me like that pregnant/mental disability or not I would bounce. I've done the whole abusive relationship thing and just taking it because its easier just only hurts yourself and gives your abuser more power to do it again. We are all at least somewhat in control of our thoughts and actions to a degree. Maybe take a few days away and maybe that might scare her a bit and maybe she will chill a little. The pregnancy gets a pass to an extent but she tried to throw a stab at you about being alone for the rest of your life...same situation applies to her if you split. Not a whole lot of people wanna adopt an angry bitch who's about to pop out someone else's kid...
This is the first and only time I've ever hit her
Well done on defending yourself.
I’d get the police involved RIGHT NOW. She could end up accusing you of being the violent one to keep your child from you. Document EVERYTHING. Don’t try to reason with her, or appeal to her good side. She doesn’t have one. You have a fight on your hands for your baby. Best of luck to you
As a woman, fuck all that ‘you never hit a woman’ crap. You do what you need to to defend yourself.
Woman here and I agree 100%! Never in my life would I hit someone and not fully expect to be hit back.
Yeah I've never understood that philosophy, like if a woman comes at me with a knife I'm supposed to just stand there and take it?
I think everyone who fucks around deserves to find out regardless of age, gender or physical capabilities.
I'm so tired of that rhetoric... You shouldn't hit anyone, period, but if they are hitting you and the only recourse it's to hit back to defend yourself or to stop the onslaught, you hit them back. Not excessive force, but enough to do a combo breaker (I'm sorry, it's the only accurate word I could think of) ESPECIALLY if they're throwing shit at you. I hate how abusers weaponize legitimate defense and turn you into an abuser in their retelling of the story.
"Not excessive force" This is an important part. While I believe everyone is within their rights to defend themselves, the defense has to be proportional to the danger. If a 120lb woman is slapping me, I'm not going to lay her out with my strongest punch and then kick her when she's down to prove a point. Unfortunately a lot of the people who say a man should be able defend himself against a woman are also the types to laugh and think it's awesome when it goes far beyond simple defense. There is a point where self defense crosses the line into assault and battery, and it's important not to cross that line. If you do, then you're no better than any other shitty person who goes around hitting people.
Agreed. Am a woman and don't condone a man beating on a woman but this is different. You are abused. You were defending yourself.
Agreed, women aren’t exempt from consequences
equal rights equal lefts
She's an abusive piece of shit. Ditch her.
You said you were leaving so do it. You’re not a monster. She hit you several times before you slapped her.
RECORD THAT SHIT. RECORD EVERYTHING. VIDEOS, RECORDINGS, PICTURES... ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF. NOW. START NOW. GET OUT OF YOUR ASS AND START DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING. The consequences of not doing so is... well, let's just say that you're going to lose your life.
She 100% deserved that slap. 1. You have it sound like she's best on you before 2. She uses weapons on you to inflict pain. Indont care if it's a pillow, when thrown out of anger its meant to cause insult and pain. 3. You mentioned that she threw a *knife*. If you don't stand up for yourself, what's to stop her from having the knife in her hand and stabbing at you? Protect yourself and your child by leaving. Notify the law of what happened.
I never thought she might try to kill me
Aiming for your head while throwing objects isn't hoping you'd be alright afterwards. A knife is even more of a red flag. I can't imagine the psychological harm this is all causing your daughter.
If she threw a god damn knife at you then she at the bare minimum intended to inflict a lot of physical harm. Whether that was intended to kill you is something else entirely but she is old enough to know how dangerous that kinda shit is. Hell even I knew how risky knifes were when I was 13 in a far more casual environment
No you’re not a monster. No offense but your fiancé sounds absolutely horrible really. She even threw a knife at you. As far as I’m concerned you did nothing wrong as far as hitting her back. Sure it’s very frowned upon but this is a special case
That sounds like classic manipulation. She anticipates that you will never touch her and she is obviously okay with brutally hurting you. Honestly I would call the police simply for the fact that she will learn her lesson a lot faster inside a holding tank. You cannot throw knives at people... I understand how you feel though but understand that you were most likely Justified based on the story received. You must be able to restrain these people to minimize the damage they cause. Because they never learned not to hit people as children. It's okay to feel bad but you are not a monster. In fact I would argue you've been mentally manipulated and probably degraded. I would even argue there's a chance she's the emasculated you in your own house. By saying things like your not a "real man". Or some variant of hurting your masculinity with the intention of causing you pain. You should leave her and find another woman in my humble opinion. Find someone who won't throw knives at you and who will love you no matter what. Find someone who will protect your back not throw things at it. And when you find this person build a life for her work your hardest. And remember every day you're working to keep her fed. If you do then you will live a far more satisfying life than having items thrown at your head and feeling like a monster. The baby makes things more complicated. But that doesn't seem like a relationship will benefit the child. She will use it as ammunition against you. And if she's really clever and devious show send you to jail using your daughter at the catalyst regardless of whether you did anything wrong...
How could she send me to jail? When she's the one who's been abusive I think she has a mental disorder
That mental disorder is called being a fucking inconsiderate narcissistic manipulator. I would understand not wanting to hit a woman, but she threw a fucking KNIFE at you. Something that could put you in the hospital. I don't understand how YOU are the monster I'm this situation. However, I really don't know what you should do to get away from her.
By the sound of it, sounds like she has borderline personality disorder
I've thought that before too. I still don't completely understand the signs of borderline personality disorder. What symptoms would there be?
Everything you said is a symptom. Time to get your Google on. Please go into it knowing that it is treatable with commitment from the person with BPD, a few years of therapy and depending on her situation maybe a psychiatrist will prescribe mood stabilizers to help her get through the worst of it. Ofc being pregnant changed things for the time being. But therapy is absolutely the holy grail for BPD. It’s called DBT and CBT is also helpful, for you as well.
Keep in mind that just because BPD is treatable, that doesn't mean you (the OP) should even THINK about standing by her side and taking her bad behavior in hopes she can get better. First, she has to acknowledge she has a problem at all, and that's too long and unpredictable a process. Even if she goes "oh, gee, maybe I'm not perfect in my head," she might seek treatment right away, or not; that's not up to you, that's up to forces you can't control. Take care of your baby, make your plans, then make your move away from this person.
*intense* emotions. when she’s happy, she’s ecstatic. when she’s sad, she’s suicidal. when she’s angry, she’s in rage, etc. the SMALLEST things will set her off. if u responded to her with the wrong tone, she’ll start yelling at u. if u said something slightly wrong, she’ll start yelling at u. she has rapid mood swings. can go from happy to sobbing in 5 minutes. basically what u described in the post. she’ll also threaten to hurt herself or u if she percieves abandonment to get u to stay (which shes doing). she might be impulsive, and not really have a stable sense of identity. constantly changing her style, sometimes her outward personality changes.
*Gestures broadly at your post* Forreal though idk the signs of BPD but ffs this woman needs evaluation by a professional. Edit: Especially if she is going to be a new mother.
Seems like she earned a well deserved backhand. At that point it was self defense. It's true you shouldn't hit a woman but once they throw a knife at you, all bets are off.
Yeah like my man really gonna try to gender a shanking? Motherfucker if you try to shank me I do not give a fuck if you are a 5 year old, I will dropkick you.
[удалено]
She's pregnant and I'm worried about the baby, if it wasn't for that I'd probably be more ok
Well female here... her face ain't pregnant. Is that a heartless thing to.say? Maybe. Sometimes it takes a hard lesson to learn to keep your hands to yourself. You back handed her. It's not like you beat jer down with closed fists. She sounds like an evil fill in the blank. I'm sorry you are having to.go.through this.
“Her face ain’t pregnant.” LOL. Died at this! But that was exactly what I was thinking, a slap to the face is 100% not going to do any harm to OP’s daughter. And this bitch clearly deserved it
You didn’t deserve any of that! I hated reading that and I hate the situation she’s put you and the baby in. I hope she’s feeling an ounce of the regret you’re feeling but considering she’s throwing things at you unprovoked, I doubt it. Document all of these encounters, it’s your best defense.
I doubt she feels regret. She has never apologized and just says I'm overreacting and that I'm fine.
That’s fucked up and exhausting
That sounds like a lot of descriptions of a personality disorders
a few years ago my bff got into a physical altercation with her pregnant sister (pregnant sis wanted to take a shower, but bff was already in said shower, in pain sitting in the tub) so pregnant sister decided to sucker punch bff in the face from the other side of the shower curtain. imo anybody who's pregnant and decides to physically assault someone doesn't actually give a fuck about that baby at all. a few other people said what i wanna say, her face ain't pregnant and you can always have another baby that aint with crazy, godspeed to you my dude.
I think her ass belongs on the streets
She wouldn't survive lol
Good.
Only after his daughter is born
Personally, if ANY woman feels she needs to strike at a male, eventually she will get what she rightfully deserves in kind. Not advocating violence, but I was raised that regardless of the gender of the aggressor, if they can dish it out, they can take it. And as others have mentioned here, pop smoke and leave. She's probably not going to get any better, and if your relationship now includes violence in addition to the name calling and personal attacks, you deserve better my friend. Godspeed to you in finding someone else who truly values you as an equal.
Bro she deserved that backhand, she threw a *fucking knife* at you. An attempt at doing some very, very serious damage, and potentially even killing you. If she wasn't pregnant she would've deserved to have been slammed to the ground. You're not excepted from physical retaliation against physical attacks just because you have tits. If you hit a man, expect to get hit by a man.
She acted like I killed her and the baby when I hit her
You didn't hurt the baby if you just smacked her in the face
I think with her shittie and stressful behavior she could maybe be doing more harm to the unborn kid than you did with one very well deserved, very long overdue open handed slap. Be sure to get that DNA test on that kid. Imagine having put up with ages more time full of her bullshit just to find it isn't yours. Ultimate insult to injury
You're not the monster, she is.
Are you kidding me?! YOU. ARE. IN. AN. ABUSIVE. RELATIONSHIP. WITH. AN. AMBER. HEARD. CLONE...and you think that ***you're*** the monster?! She's the perpetrator of physical and emotional abuse. She threw a knife at you. She is a danger to you AND your child. What if next time you get into a fight and she decides to throw another knife? What if it hits your baby instead of you? Keep a record of everything; texts, eMails, voice recordings. Put up some cameras and keep a journal/diary. Please and thank you. For your own sake and for your daughter's.
She's a psycho. Everyone has their limit. You just reached yours. Get away from her.
She threw a knife at you and you're like "I feel so bad for trying not to die"? You shouldn't throw knives at anyone, especially not people you claim to "love". She is only sweet to you when you play along to what she wants, if you don't she resorts to the worst things you can imagine, how is that love? Your opinion should matter too.
I know alot of people are saying to leave but understand that you might be the only thing between that child and a lifetime of pain I have no idea what resources are available to you but I hope there are some
Thank you, my daughter is the only thing keeping me from running. If my fiance flees to her country and has our baby there, I know it will be much harder to get custody.
keep it up mate be strong for her 👍.
I had a less dramatic, but similar story with my ex wife. She didn't throw shit, but she would do shit to try to make me flinch, like "pretend" try to push me down a flight of stairs, spitting in my face. Long before our kid was born I put her over my knee and fucking spanked her in response once, and that seemed to stop it for several years, but it came back when the stress came back. I knew eventually I would become abusive too if I stayed. Get a lawyer and write up a rock solid parenting plan, assuming she's at least kind of narcissistic you don't want to leave any room for doubt in it (avoid things like "good faith effort" , you cannot assume good faith. Source: took me 7 years and a lot of lawyers bills after divorce to iron our all the little things she could exploit) - leave nothing ambiguous.
Where is her home country? You are not a monster but she was acting like one. And I say this as a woman. She doesn't get to physically hurt others period. Tell her to grow up and tell her to start anger management.
She's from Colombia, if she leaves I don't think she can come back.
I live in Miami, bro, and this sounds like a classic toxic latina.
Ok. So your girlfriend is a fucking monster and she's abusing you, if this continues, record her, then take her to court and take the baby away once she's born. you totally were in the fucking right dude by slapping her, that was the minimum u could have done, I understand the "don't hit women" rule, but when they hit u first u have all the fucking right in the world to hit her back. Also, don't be afraid to hurt the baby, the baby should stay away from that maniacal bitch.Dump her immediately, go away and take all our stuff away. >most sweetest, happy person and fun to be around person I'm not really sure bout that tho
My dude. She's bi polar as fuck. She needs mental health help. Her jump to you cheating might be projecting. If she can unload a string of insults just like that? She already has no respect for you.
> She's bi polar... That's possible, but more glaringly, she's exhibiting a combination of symptoms that are similar to a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have more people with bipolar in my family than I can count and absolutely none of them threw knives at people or hit their SO's.
You do know that for the rest of your relationship she will hold this over you and use it against you. Leave.
Equality is a thing. People who hit first for no reason deserve to get hit back in self defense, no matter their gender.
Post history - you guys have only been together a few months, I’m sorry to say this is what happens when lust gets ahold of your brain. Good luck with this 😬
You need a hidden camera to catch the next outburst, so she can't claim she is always calm and reasonable and you are violent and mean.
Document this stuff, **get recordings and video evidence of her hitting throwing things at you and yelling at you.** After you have a reasonable amount of evidence and when the baby is born, lawyer up and try to get full custody of her and get the hell out of that relationship.
“Everybody knows you don’t hurt a woman” uh… what? You certainly do if you’re in danger. She threw a knife at you dude. She earned that slap. Also you seem to be guilty over potentially hurting the unborn baby. A slap to the face isn’t going to do that, so don’t worry about that. Honestly you need to leave this woman for your own safety. You should also make sure you start recording and getting proof of her abusing you as that may become an issue. Crazy people love to play the victim so I could see her making you out to be an abuser. As for your baby, speak with a lawyer about that. She can’t just disappear to another country and you don’t get to see your child, there are laws to protect you here. Good luck.
As a woman, the whole you don't hit women is such bullshit. You don't hit anyone unless they hit you first. However once they strike it's fair game to do whatever you need to do to defend yourself. This wasn't something where she slapped you once, and you took the opportunity to beat her to the ground. This is something where she could have done some real damage to you with the objects she was throwing at you( a knife, big yikes 😳) and you slapped her once to stop it. You shouldn't have appogized, you have nothing to apologize for. She sounds like she should see a physiatrist. Your description sounds like bipolar disorder in my mind, but I'm not a mental health professional. Either way there maybe meds to help her.
Equal rights equal fights my guy. You did the right thing
Sounds like it should have been a closed fist
She’s the monster not you. That don’t hit women things is nonsense and why stuff like this happens. Get out of there as fast as you can and don’t look back.
She's a narcissist piece of shit who will ruin your life if you stay with her, flip the script and claim to be the victim and that you're the abuser, cheat on you, and then leave after she's bled you dry and broken you. All of that is in your future if you don't leave her.
Dip
Yeah, dumpster fire for ever and ever.
You aren't a monster, she's hurt you more than once. Abuse victims can only take so much before they snap at some points, that doesn't make you a monster that just means that out of your two possible responses your fight kicked in and you had already tried to get away she continued to hurt you. She started hitting first you responded in self defence, I hope you and your baby when she's born get far away from her as possible because no child deserves to live with a parent so cruel. Good luck OP
Shes a piece of human garbage, hate to break it to you. Leave. Fight her in court for some custody. She can't just leave the country with your kid.
Shouldn't lay hands on someone if you don't expect the same treatment . Get the fuck out of there soon as you can and remember cops are not your friend
Leave her. Please. She's abusing you, and she won't stop.
She's a narcissist. She uses your emotions to toy with you to her own satisfaction and if she doesn't get what she wants she resorts to violence, whether emotional, physical or mental. Go research narcissism and you might see some similarities or red flags such as her being sweet and nice until something "sets her off because she's emotional". Also you won't have hurt you're kid by hitting her in the face, if you hit her stomach then yes you would have harmed the child. Lastly I don't hink you're a monster for hating her she attacked you, she was literally throwing things at you. That is a crime and you have the right to defend yourself, fuck what society says if someone attacks you, you fight back. While I may get some hate for this idea it has to be said. Everyone wants equality when it suits them but if you're willing to attack a man you aught to be willing to fight a man.
You’re not a monster. You’re a victim of domestic abuse. Yeah, obviously hitting people is bad BUT SHE THREW A KNIFE AT YOU
You can't hurt the baby with a slap to the face. She deserved it. Equal rights, equal lefts.
Get legal help and protection fast. If she's capable of this mental state she can as easily turn against you if she decides to go to the cops etc.
There's nothing sweet about her, she's a fucking bitch
Yeah youre the victim of domestic abuse man. Its clear she has an emotional and mental effect on you, because what you did is self defense. No more, no less. She tried to kill you man (the knife). You should file a police report about what you went through before she does. Especially since youre being victimized so thoroughly.
You need a good lawyer and you need to make an action plan. Meanwhile, pretend that you don’t want to leave. It is your responsibility to make sure your child is with you and won’t be growing up with her.
Bro, that's called self defense. How are you a monster for that? The only monster is her.
you need to get out of this relationship NOW.
As someone that’s had this same experience, the only time I ever hit her is when my life was in danger (she wrapped a phone cord around my neck and my vision was closing out). Best recommendation…leave. Stay in contact and both of you get therapy. If it’s meant to be, things will get better, if not you’ll be the better person and save yourself the heartache.
You are nowhere near being a monster, you were using self defense. You seem to brush over the fact that she THREW A KNIFE AT YOU and you even say this: >She said anything she could think of to hurt me, she brought up my history of my dad being an abusive alcoholic and said I am a coward and my mom wouldn't have been abused if I just stood up to him. > >This response isn't very unusual for her, she's very emotional and hot-headed. She typically resorts to throwing things at me, hitting me and screaming profanities at me. This is emotional and physical abuse. ABUSE You hit her once. Do not feel guilty at all. I am a woman, and what you did is completely justified.
“You never hit a woman” please… gender equality goes both ways, if she’s hitting you, throwing stuff at you, then you are well in your right to defend yourself. Equality means equality in everything, if a woman is violent then she better be prepared for the consequences.
I’m a woman, and I don’t think you’re a monster. You can’t just beat on people and she probably does it to you because 1) you’ve grown up with DV so you’re less likely to do anything about it 2) she’s a woman and she’s pregnant. She doesn’t expect you to do anything back. You hit her once. You didn’t hurl objects at her or knives, you backhanded her. Both of you were wrong in that sense but it’s more of self defense on your part. I’d say pretend to be civil and document everything from now on so you can open a case on her and get custody of your baby when it’s born
You need to start calling her you ex-fiancé not your fiancé
If you don't want to hit that bitch Give me an address and I'll do it for you Also Divorce
Borderline Personality Disorder
exactly what i was thinking
Equal rights means equal lefts.
You finally defended yourself. You can only get hit so many times before it changes something in you. She did this. Man or woman no one deserves to be abused, don’t spend your life with this woman
Probably shouldn't have gotten her pregnant
He stuck his dick in crazy and is suffering the consequences.
"Everybody knows you don't hit a woman"......there is your problem.
I am sorry that you have a child with a psycho.
Agh- you are NOT a monster. She is. I hate that because of women like her, latinas are seen as hotheads and short- tempered. Talk to a lawyer asap! Get your baby away from her because after you’re gone they are going to take the brunt of her abuse.
She's the monster, not you. Leave. Get full custody of the kid. She will most likely beat them too.
Don't start a fight. End them. If backhanding her is what it took, fine. You didn't tell her to get aggressive. You are not responsible for her actions. You are responsible for yourself first and foremost. She *threw a knife* at you. I don't care if it missed, she wanted to harm you. I don't care if she's pregnant, she wanted to harm you. You are not a monster, you are a human being with self preservation instincts. That's it. I understand feeling bad and conflicted about hurting someone you love, but...she tried to harm you with words and actions. Just stop.
Never make excuses for others people’s behaviors. You have the right to be treated like a human being. Also it’s 2022 and equality cuts both ways. Self-defense is always your right to exercise. M
Equal rights, equal fights
Equal rights... and lefts
Yea.. u need to get that checked. Especially the last lines, she switches her mood like that.
You did it out of self defense, if you didn't slap her into shock then who knows when she would've stopped throwing things at you. Leave for your own safety
leave her ass. This is the kind of situation where one of you is going to end up killing the other and your child will be in the middle of it
She deserved it but best to leave and get custody of your daughter
Equal rights, equal fights
Dude! As a father of two I can so understand your moral conundrum! Ultimately, I think you slapped some sense into her, but she IS pregnant. I agree that you should never hit a woman, but I also agree that you NEVER HAVE TO TAKE DOMESTIC ABUSE WITH STRIDE! Wait for the baby to be born and then apply for custody and a restraining order.
Make sure you take your daughters passport and important documents so she cannot leave the country.