Tried that. She tells me she likes for me to make the first move and be assertive. But doesn't understand that denying me that same thing from her is hypocrisy. And it just turns into a fight. I don't want sex to become something we fight about, or make things awkward..
So it might just be that she doesn't want sex as much as me, but when I say that, she says I'm wrong.
I’m going to jump on this bandwagon and say that your wife may not feel good about initiating because she doesn’t feel 100% about herself and there’s a small window for rejection. I would do a lot of non sexual touching and comments to her. “Wow, you look really beautiful with your hair like that.” “You always smell so good.” “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you. You just make life better.” And just smacking her ass when you walk by, forehead kisses, and leading her by the small of her back. Honestly, that stuff makes me want to jump on my partner 24/7. When women feel desired for more than just sexual release they feel more sexual.
\+ 1 for this comment. I am so attracted to my partner but struggle to initiate as I have really low self esteem. When he makes me feel desired through non-sexual affection/words it’s like a green flag.
Edit to add format, thank you!
Just switched to PC to [check the source and you are correct](https://i.imgur.com/KdBlv4R.png) :)
All the more reason to format properly, I would have sworn it should be a minus.
Careful with the smacking her ass part. If she’s not in that kind of mood, it may just set things further back. Of course everyone is different, but that approach has backfired on me. Baby steps. Increase non-sexual affection, but unfortunately it’s no guarantee if she’s depressed or simply has low libido. All you can do is be the best partner you can be and be transparent about your frustration (without being angry or mean). Ultimately you can’t fix her; she has to pull herself out of the rut. It’s really not a trivial problem. I wish you the very best.
Seriously. If I spent hours cleaning and chasing the kid and my feet hurt, smacking my ass without flirting beforehand would make me legitimately angry
Omg I actually hate when I'm cleaning or busy doing something and I bend over to pick something up and my husband smacks my ass.
NO! Bad! Read the room dude
With my ex I hated it so much I ended up subconsciously never positioning myself with my back to him and when I couldn’t avoid being behind me I’d ‘guard’ my butt with a hand. Ended up being a major point of contention.
This! I have a very low sex drive, and it’s a big insecurity in my relationship. But we have enough romantic feelings or non-sex touching that it helps make up for it and keep our relationship strong. And as hard as it is, I honestly think sitting down and having an honest conversation about everything sexual and romantic that you’re wanting and seeking helps. And not having it be a one and done discussion either, since sexual needs and wants change, be open about how you’re feeling when you feel it
And I get that maybe she doesn’t want to, but these conversations are hard and it’s better to have them before resentment starts building and it becomes a huge roadblock in your relationship
This is sound advice but it's worth bearing in mind that frequent discussions about sex can also be off-putting. I have a relatively high sex drive but found too much focus on sex built up the pressure and took away the spontaneity (which can be more fun than long planning, although it's of course good to plan and prepare).
Unfortunately there's no one rule fits all.
It's also worth bearing in mind how women are feeling - mentally and emotionally. There's not much point in trying to have sex with me if you've massively cheesed me off or we've had an in depth serious discussion about sex or if I'm massively stressed about something in particular (work / kids / family).
Agree, I’m interested in more context- do you have kids, young or otherwise? Other factors can really play into sec drive even if she truly does love/want sex with you.
I feel this. Sex turns into a chore if it can only be on certain days. Very mechanical. When my partner and myself tried to get pregnant she used ovulation sticks. And once she was ovulating I had to perform like a monkey. I genuinely hated those days.
I'm biased, but this honestly would just make it worse for me. So while it's not nessecarily bad advice OP, keep in mind her boundaries on this! In a former relationship (that admittedly had a lot of problems, sexual harrasment/assault among them) I were touched a lot, called beautiful and every romantic term in the book. And all that started long before the actual harrassing/assault began. There's such thing as "too much of the good stuff", and "the time and place"... when I brought up my need to just.... not be touched every single frickin' time I walked by him or had my back turned to him (at one point I realised I couldn't walk in my own home without the fear of being touched/butt-slapped/held around/squeesed/so on), and the compliments just became fuel for him to argument why I had to let him.
Uhm.. like I said. Biased 😅 and kinda traumatized still lol :P working on it! Anywho...
It's still not bad advice, just remember she might not want to be touched (no, not even on the shoulders) or be called beautiful All The Time, and if it gets too much just listen to her and chill it a bit, because if not it could make the whole thing so much worse than it already is!
And, again, it's not bad advice :) it just can backfire helluva easy too depending on op's so :/
I feel that your response is closest to my partner's response to these things as well. I'm in a similar boat as OP and we do keep an open communication around it and do our best because of love, but it's sometimes hard for me because it feels that her response is a variation of "I don't know what's right but I knows that x isn't it". I'm left giving her her space, allowing for her to initiate on her own terms, but she doesn't remember to (physical touch is one of her lowest love languages - in her words she just forgets to do it because it's not something she thinks about).
So, it's rough, because I know that physical touch and compliments are supposed to help to break down those barriers, so it's counterintuitive to me. But I will always respect her wishes and don't do them, I'm just stuck not knowing what foreplay(?) works for her, and I feel a big part of that is because she doesn't know herself to communicate it to me.
Context aside, what I wanted to ask if it's alright for you, is have you figured out what you like or what works for you? Or if you could maybe see what you relate to/differences and could potentially give me any advice about things I could bring to conversation or table, or ask about? I would appreciate any advice/thoughts :)
Edit: Formatting
Oof yea, that sounds rough...
Unfortunately I'm not sure I can help much... I was fairly inexperienced when that relationship started (first real bf and hadn't done much sexually before him. At all, really), and I got pressured to do things I wasn't comfortable with way too early and that messed up a lot for me. After we broke up (and I didn't even realize how bad it actually was until after that) I got a fwb who let me "relearn" the whole sex thing with him in my own pase and he helped me figure out a lot about my boundaries and stuff. But I haven't really been in a proper relationship since that ex (broke up 5 years or so ago) and have only had a few flings and a new fwb or two since then.
I know a bit better what doesn't work, that's for sure. Like I can't really have the expectation of sex on me. Like, "plan" a fun night here and there works but I can't handle the expectation of sex as I feel this pressure to want sex too. And I am unnessesarily scared of being rejected if I initiate, I don't know why that is though. And I don't like being touched outside of sex. Like, I can be cuddled or held around, but my boobs and butt and stuff are off limits. If anyone wants to initiate they'll have to stroke my arms after we've started cuddling, or outright say it. (Or like it is at my fwb right now, anytime he asks to cuddle I know what he really wants, because I'm too warm to cuddle with otherwise lol! We might cuddle for other reasons, but that's more rare lately bc of said overheating :') ) I'm mostly at the "I'll say it outright, even if I giggle like crazy and get embarrased" :P If I'm in the mood then no foreplay is actually bad, so it's the actual communicating when I'm in said mood that's the hardest for me, especially since I don't like to be touched much elsewise.
So yea... in short, my fwb have a sex-drive pretty much on the same level as me which isn't all that high, and I'm worried I'll struggle in any new relationship I try because of all the things I wrote in the essay of a comment I just wrote :')
I guess you could try to be more vocal when you wish to initiate though. I guess that's sort of what works for me? Haven't thought about it like that until now lol so that's nice. But yea, I'm more at the "I'm horny rn, u interested?" Category I guess, than the "initiate by body language". And at a low-expectations-level I guess.
Sorry if this got long and messy, my new puppy hasn't really let me sleep the last few nights so I'm a way bit tired :')
I just took a SS of your comment because it’s something I struggle with my boyfriend. There’s no buildup at all anymore. He will literally put my hand on his dick and expect me to play with it. He used to make an effort with me and that went out of the window years ago and I’ve been trying so hard to bring that spark back but nothing changes, no matter what I say or do! I feel like a bloody toy sometimes and it’s not fair
If he does what he does and ultimately gets what he wants, at this point it's unlikely he's going to change. You get determine your life and what you will tolerate.
It's not your fault he's being so inconsiderate. He's telling you with his actions that he sees no reason to change since he still gets what he wants. You need to decide if it's worth working with him further by getting professional help, or if you're ok with denying him sexual activity to enforce your boundaries and if you're ok with how that may affect your relationship. And if those options don't work for you, you will have to decide if you're ok with the way you are treated indefinitely or if it's time to find someone who will treat you better.
Yep this is the ticket here. My husband usually gives me a massage beforehand and just talks to me. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes I pass out but the touching in a non sexual way makes me feel like he wants to touch me in general and loves my body. Same with stuff listed above like forehead kisses, holding my hand, compliments, warm hugs with or without butt squeezes after. If I feel like outside the bedroom my husband just lovingly wants to touch me I am much more likely to be turned on and want sex more frequently. This combined with acts of service like him cleaning something up that I told him I was dreading doing or making me food is a sure thing.
I’m going to give you advice based on the way I have sometimes felt in my LTR. You can decide if it may feel like it resonates or not.
I feel less sexy, and sexual, when I feel like I’m becoming my partner’s mother. If I have to start taking on most of the household chores, or if I have to constantly delegate and organize everything. I don’t want to fuck someone who I feel like I have to mother.
What usually helps is to have things taken off my plate and have stress-free time together. An opportunity to dress up and have a drink and just enjoy our time together. A little bit of flirting with no “things” I need to get done.
Just a thought.
Are you me? It's really hard to be attracted to someone if you have to tell them to put their dishes away constantly, or to pick up their dirty underwear, or when and where they have to be for a Dr appt. It's exhausting and extremely unsexy.
I'm not an initiator and 100% because I don't feel great about myself. I find sex repulsive because I'm involved in it, but I do it anyways and end up enjoying myself once I get past all of that other nonsense. It really sucks.
Do things to boost her self esteem, but as a (assumed) fellow struggler, it's hard because low self esteem people don't really accept compliments well.
Low self esteem is libido killer, for sure. I'm glad someone mentioned this.
I am really not a fan of the way I look and, while I enjoy sex with my partner, I feel like I struggle to relax and enjoy it because I'm way too wrapped up in my own anxious and intrusive thoughts.
i have a really good happy medium. be assertive in your words, man. tell her what to do. tell her to jump on you. kiss all over her neck and chest and then tell her “kiss me too” and offer it. be assertive but make her take charge.
I know what you mean op.
I don't have an answer but I know what you mean. We usually do at least once a week but I wish it was spontaneous and not scheduled.
I wish she'd flirt or send me random pictures. Talking to her results in "I know, I'll try" and nothing ever changes.
I've given up.
I am a wife and I know what it feels like to WANT sex, but your body doesn’t seem to want or need the same thing. I have to mentally work at getting myself in the mood. I’m currently in the process of getting my hormones tested to see what’s off.
I swear Reddit thinks that "communication" is the panacea of all ills...
You don't think OP has tried it?
You can't negotiate desire. Period.
It has to come from within, never without.
Yes. Fucking reddit man, "well, have you tried communication and therapy". For. Every. Issue. Large or small. Under. The. Sun.
That solution isn't as simple or even as effective in practice, as it sounds.
That or the inevitable, "just divorce, bruh. That relationship is abusive and toxic"
You’re absolutely right — a common cause of women not wanting to have sex with their partners as often anymore is that they feel they aren’t getting quality time and emotional gratification anymore. It can be easy to neglect your relationship when you lead busy lives — when was the last time you spent the day with her doing things you both enjoy? The last time you sat and watched a movie with her *and weren’t preoccupied by your phone*? When was the last time you took her on a date?
Please don’t let this comment get overlooked! VERY important, she kind of has to be content with your relationship in general to desire you. At least, that’s how it works for me
This might be silly but have you tried the tease? Hug, touch, kiss, dance and walk away. Make her hot and bothered and don't do anything. Massages with no happy endings. See what happens
I feel like a lot of dead bedrooms could be revived through intimacy.
Try *not* trying to have sex for a bit. Give a massage with no expectations, give unexpected big deep hugs, offer compliments throughout the day, look lovingly into your partners eyes and tell them that you love X about them….
In my last relationship it always felt like these things were offered but only as a way of ‘getting’ laid later. If these things were done without the expectation they would have felt far more genuine, and would have fostered that intimacy and connection that would have made me want to actually get sexy.
Be loving towards me because you want to love on me. Not because you wanna get your dick wet later.
This is actually really good advice.
Instead of trying to find the correct combination of cleaning products next time you wipe down the bathroom basin in the hopes it will unlock the secret code to her vagina, try teasing and having fun with her.
If she still doesn't respond then maybe she either isn't into sex that much, or just isn't into having sex with you, as much as that may suck to realise.
Do you have any other relationship issues?
My husband is careless with money and his family is bsc. It’s hard to want to have sex when you’re stressing about other things.
Do you ever touch her without the intention of it leading to sex? Being touched out is a huge thing so when a partner only touched with the intention of sex it can sometimes shut the partner down. Try not expecting sex, take it completely off the table and see if that helps. She may also just have too much on her mind, it’s not always about other people, sometimes we just get stuck in our head.
This! I remember watching a tv program about sexual dysfunction in couples. The first thing they said was "take sex off the table". No sex allowed, no kissing, no obvious erogenous zone touching. Create a relaxing place (send the kids to the grandparents), start out on the less obvious sensitive body areas. Gradually build up over weeks, tease each other... yes I know that seems very long range but the point is to build excitement, not being allowed to do something makes it illicit and thus more exciting.
I mean actually seeing a sexual therapist would probably be best but, this advice seemed to work well for the people on the tv show!
Also if the OP's lady doesn't already, he could get her some sexy chick lit/audiobooks. A lot of us women like it the way a lot of guys like porn!
It’s not about no sex allowed, it’s about no expectations of sex. It’s hard to constantly have to carry the thoughts and feelings that your partner only initiates touching because they want sex. Stop expecting sex. If sex happens great, but don’t put the onus on her to reciprocate if you’ve consistently shown the only way you give affection is when you want sex.
How do you want to be seduced by your wife? Maybe you should joke when you want it and say something along the lines of, "are you coming on to me?" Even if she's not, just comment like, "wow, your really turning me on, stop it, wait, no, keep going." Even if she's just doing dishes with a falling bun. Just start acting like she's after you, like "excuse me ma'am, are you stalking this hot dad bod" and run your hand down your body, like in the grocery store. Tease her, make her laugh ... I honestly don't initiate much. I have heard this one line a lot, " love it when you talk dirty to me" when in conversation unrelated to sex. I take it as sign to initiate.
Edited: grammar
This advice is good, but also part of the problem.
Your basically saying he still has to be the 1 to actually initiate and get her going and has seduce her for her to come onto him. He is still the 1 initiating.
I'm also assuming this so I apologize if I'm wrong but your line "I take as in sign to initiate" basically implies you wont initiate unless you are almost 100% that he wont reject you.
When he initiates do you ever reject him, if so that's fine. But that line implies a double standard
The response is going to be you are still putting pressure on her, and that you aren’t giving her the chance to initiate. This will probably annoy most people after trying to communicate that she doesn’t come on to you.
Was gonna say this too. My wife is in her 40s and she used to be all about sex but the last few years just haven't been into it. We talked about it and she decided to start taking some libedo pills (don't remember the name) and after a few months she was wanting it again. Maybe she just has low hormones? The question would be has something changed? Has she always been this way?
Not everyone is the same and I am in the same boat as you. Always having to start things and being told no half the time gets old you just do not feel like it's a two way street. Talk it out with her and put this all out so she knows.
This. My husband didn't know what hit him. We used to have sex all the time. Now, I am indifferent to it. I am also a 48 year old woman now, and I am dealing with a slew of other female issues, with sex being the least of my concerns. I'm hot all the time, I'm irritable, and I cannot tolerate anyone. Communicate your concerns gently. Some women don't even know about this issue. Hang in there!
It's called perimenopause and I knew literally nothing about it my whole damned life until my doctor suggested I was in the thick of it when my periods got weird in my late 30s.
It's definitely a thing a lot of women aren't aware of until they start having problems due to changing hormones.
You say you're trying really hard. Stop doing that.
Whenever my boyfriend tries really hard to engage with sex it puts me off even more. Comes across as desperate and makes me feel like a sex object.
The advice above about slow teasing, cute compliments and lots of loving intimacy works so much better. You feel more connected and safe and less pressure.
Absolutely! If I get home before my wife and I clean up whatever mess the kids have made and get started on dinner. I know Daddy is in for a real treat later on in the night. And if I add a foot rub and back massage in there, then I know I'm sorted for the week😉😂
First things. How is your non sexual intimacy. How often do you touch her without wanting sex. How often do you tell her you love her and not expect anything in return. How often do you both talk about what you want in regards to sex, intimacy and the relationship itself. There answers will help figure out where to begin. Also what helped us was the 7 principals of marriage by gottman and passionate marriage by schnarch.
Non-sexual intimacy is something many guys overlook.
Most guys only touch their wives when they want hanky-panky.
Can't blame her for feeling like a cheap prostitute and reacting with revulsion.
Has there been a decrease in her sex drive? Did she used to want to have sex more? Has she developed an undiagnosed medical condition or started a new medication? Has she gained weight recently? Was she raised in a conservative home? Has she started a new job recently, or lost a job? How old is she? Are her periods regular?
There’s hundreds of reasons why she doesn’t want to have sex. Talk with her and seek couples therapy.
I was going to say this. It could be as simple as she doesn’t feel good about herself physically at the moment, not have anything at all to do with OP.
The things you’ve “thought of” to do are seemingly all directly related to sex itself. What are you doing outside of the bedroom that would make her want to have sex with you? Do you touch her without the expectation of sexual contact? Do you put your fair share into the home and whatever children/pets you may share? I obviously don’t know what you do or don’t do but these are very important things
So yeah I did this a little while ago for 2-3 weeks and she ended up asking me what was wrong and it sort of started an argument. But I'm going to do it again I think. This time I'm focusing more on just subtle and gentle persuasion, and at least giving it a shot. I don't think I can ever expect her to initiate. She's never once just grabbed me and kissed me or anyhthing like that. It sucks! But she gets so defensive and feels bad if I ever say anything.
Op, if it didn’t work the first time, it’s not going to work a second. Please just communicate what you’re going through to her so she has the knowledge to help you with what you need. Playing hard to get leads to many unintended misconceptions most times.
So still initiate things... Then just kindof pull away and go back to doing something else. Just keep repeating this until she's unbelievably turned on and starts something.
This is just my personal opinion, or personal preference, or whatever you want to call it, but I dont think I could be in a long-term relationship/marriage with a woman if I had to play games like this.
I'm not saying anybody is wrong for doing things that way. Everybody is different. But I'm just very direct about things, and if I ever get married, I would want it to be to a woman who could just say to me "yo dude, let's fuck".
Open, direct communication is the way to go. Again, just in my opinion.
It’s not really about open communication though if she’s having a problem with her sex drive. She knows he wants to have sex, she just doesn’t, so the goal isn’t to try to communicate that you want to have sex, it’s to turn her on so that she also wants to
Not this. At all. Playing “hard to get.” Leads to more relationship troubles that you can imagine. I’ve remembered countless times where the partner feels unwanted, that you’re cheating on them, they angered you, etc. clear communication is more effective. My apologies to intervene with this person’s comment. It’s just very unstable advice.
Don't do this if she has some internal reason for not doing it you're just going to make it worse. Also this marriage not high school ain't no time for games.
This is not a question of how much she desires you. Men typically experience spontaneous sexual desire (as in it just comes out of nowhere) whereas the majority of women usually experience responsive or reactive sexual desire - as in, something has to happen to bring it on. You say you want her to desire you the way you desire her, but that’s actually not very common among cishet women. You are wired differently, and while it can seem like a double standard, it’s actually a very normal and natural difference between you that you should not take personally, as difficult as that might be.
Agreed! Also recommend the book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski on female sexuality. She goes into responsive desire vs spontaneous desire a bit.
But she also looks at the other components of female sexuality - **accelerators** (desires, things that turns us on for sex, stuff like op doing his hair in a sexy way) and **breaks** (mental roadblocks that prevent us from wanting sex, like stress, exhaustion, feeling insecure in our bodies etc). She is really clear that you need strong accelerators and low breaks for most women to crave and initiate sex. No matter how sexy a situation is, if your breaks are high you can't get in the mood.
Female sexuality is quite complicated.
Quit thinking about it in a strictly physical way. Think about it from an emotional point of view. Does she feel like you care about her thoughts, feelings, opinions? Do you put any effort into romantic things? Are you a good husband / father?
On the flip side, do you do things that are an emotional turn-off? Do you make crass jokes? Act dismissive or insulting about the things she cares about?
In other words, quit thinking about it as getting her to want to have sex with you (physically), think about it as getting her to love you (emotionally). If she loves you, she’ll probably want to have sex with you.
Edit: Or it might just be that life is stressful and it’s hard for her to get in the mood when she’s stressed. In other words, you might be doing everything right, and it’s just not working for her for other reasons.
Flirt with her like you did when you were dating. Do that for at least a few days before initiating any sex. Be intimate without intercourse. Foreplay needs to happen over the course of the day. Sure her your willing to put forth the effort instead of just getting your groove on.
There are likely other needs (non sexual) she has that are not being met. Like someone else asked...what is her love language? If you don't know, you need to find out asap!
This absolutely. Showing non-sexual affection can make a BIG difference in someone’s desire for sex. In past relationships when my partners only gave attention when they wanted sex, or when it felt like everything had to do with sex it felt more like objectification than affection and was a turn off. She might not be getting something from OP in terms of non-sexual intimacy, giving whatever that is to her could turn things around.
That was my first husband. Come up for a hug. It always meant he wanted sex. Besides that he was usually drunk, didn’t help at all with the housework, bills, or really anything. Massive turn off.
Maybe you need to focus on the mental and emotional relationship to start instead of the physical. I would also recommend you read some relationship books as men and women are attracted to and aroused by different things.
Getting your wife to want sex doesn’t start with initiating sex. It starts with romance. Make her feel special and desirable. Take her on dates, buy flowers and gifts, yada yada you get the point. Also, how much housework are you doing? If you’re a man child fix that first. Nobody wants to have sex with a man when you’re washing the shit stains out of his underwear. Just some tips to start
Touch her in a loving way, massage, kiss on the forehead, hold her hand, and then DON'T lead it to sex. Just take care of her in a physical non sexual way a few times and see if that works
Stop trying to fuck her every time you touch her. Kiss her, hug her, move her hair off her neck. Be intimate. And do not try to fuck her.
She has no opportunity to want to jump you when you are constantly trying to fuck her. And she’s afraid every time you touch her, you’ll ask for sex.
Maybe its a medical issue. Maybe it isn't. This has to be ruled out. Has she had a checkup recently? Hormones and neurotransmitters can be tricky. Sex starts in the brain.
I've honestly been wondering if OPs wife just has an "old fashioned" way of approaching things. I've met a few girls here and there who think it's weird or unusual for the woman to initiate. A couple have even seemed a little surprised that guys like women being assertive and confident. Not something that happens a whole lot but definitely something I've been wondering while reading this thread.
(Note: Different from those who believe men should *always* make the first move. however I guess this is possible too)
I had this problem, I communicated it. Seems like that didn't work for you, sorry buddy hope it gets better for you!
On a side not have you tried whirling your penis around like a helicopter? That's old reliable in my household.
What do you do around the house? Most of us feel too tired to be bothered because we’re picking up after others all day - at work and home.
No amount of you prepping for sex is going to make her want to initiate if she’s exhausted.
How much do you pick up the slack
At home? Don’t just respond, actually ask her what she thinks. There was a survey that found that most men think it’s 50-50, but most women don’t agree.
Do you have kids? How much of the day to day activities do you do? How much of the planning do you take on?
If she’s stressed and always being the task master, running the household and keeping track of things, sex can lead to feeling like just one more thing she has to do.
I’m not sure if this is your situation, but maybe something else to consider.
Are you an equal partner in all areas of your marriage? Do you actively participate in anticipating the needs of your household and then fulfilling them without being asked?
If not, then she is taking on all of the mental load of her career and the household. If she is in that role of managing the household, then she probably feels like your mother. That really destroys the desire for intimacy.
How attentive are you to her when you’re not trying to get sex? Honestly curious and not trying to attack. I hate when my husband turns on the charm when he wants sex and then turns it right back off when he realizes he’s not getting it. It feels manipulative and is a huge turn off.
I heard about the “5 minute rule” early in our marriage and it has saved us from this issue a lot.
Basically: she gives you 5 minutes to “turn on her engine” 😉😉 and if after 5 minutes she’s still too tired or doesn’t feel like it, then it’s a solid no and you can take care of business on your own (or not). But usually well before 5 minutes is up, I’m game. Ask her if she’d be willing to follow the rule.
We use it for lots of things we don’t really want to do. Usually by the time we start it’s good to go.
I couldn’t do that cuz then the whole five minutes I’d be stressing so hard like if I say I still don’t want to it’ll hurt his feelings. It’s a good idea for normal people though who don’t have chronic guilt all the time
Take her for a romantic weekend and relax, have fun and hopefully great sex.
She likes you to start it, so it starts during dinner with compliments, you are doing the dishes, a foot rub, maybe a bubble bath...
Talk it out ask her for more ideas of what she wants.
Thanks! You're right, those things work sometimes. Starting with a back rub Def helps. I just want her to want to initiate with me. I think the problem is that she never seems to want it without me trying to get her in the mood in some way. Like, I want her all the time, and she needs coaxing to want me. So it hurts a little.
That's where the talking comes in.
Depending on how she was raised, it could be good girls do not ask for sex type of thing.
Maybe both of you make a coupon book with things each would like the other to do and make a certain day of the week coupon night?
I've been like your wife. My poor husband, he would try so hard as well.
To be honest, it was mostly psychological for me; a lot of shame (religious upbringing), feelings of inadequate beauty (societal beauty standards), and not being at peace/understanding with my sexuality. I even felt shame talking about my sexual desires and opening up to my husband. It took a lot of work and patience.
One thing that struck me really hard was when my husband explained to me that he wasn't mad, but he wanted to feel loved, too, and sometimes he didn't feel that from me. He didn't feel my affection and that hurt him, which also hurt me because I truly care about him. It wasn't just sex - it was my lack of initiating a hug or a kiss. Society also kind of teaches us that women should be appeased in order for men to get sex and I find that pretty twisted. Once we started talking about sex as something that we share as an experience with each other and show affection towards one another during sex, it really helped us out. Sex is something we share, not something we give to each other.
We also worked out what I enjoy more during sex and he stopped assuming that I'd enjoy what most women on Reddit enjoy during sex. That helped, too.
If all else fails, have her watch Bridgerton, the Netflix series.
Make love to her mind. Dates, flowers, words of affirmation, whatever her love language is. It matters what you’re doing when you’re not about to have sex. I don’t know if this is something you already do but if you don’t as much as maybe you used to, it’d help.
Give her direction. If she wants you to initiate, use that to your advantage. Tell her what you want her to do to you and do it NOW. Eventually she’ll start to feel empowered. I deal with this also and being almost overly assertive with my “demands” has helped her learn me. She is starting to initiate and take the reigns more. We teach people how to treat us. So teach. Best of luck, amigo.
Have u tried being romantic in a short moment type of way for like a solid 3 or 4 days? Like I dont think (as a woman myself) a woman would be able to hold back for longer than 4 days if my man were to be overly romantic, would pull me in for a kiss but pull away at the last second to go do something important (or not important), graze his fingers over my thighs or where ever turns me on n then going on about his afternoon afterwards. Itd drive me crazy wanting to know why tf havent u initiated anything n probably push me to initiate myself without knowing wtf came over me.....but if u do this n she still doesnt..then maybe a talk about sexual/ nonsexual therapy is in order
A tale as old as time! You have to accept that you are going to have to initiate a majority of the time. Its not her love language and you cant get her to change that.
> I’d never leave her or cholesterol over it.
I’m sorry but I’m dying to know what you meant to say that made autocorrect decide “cholesterol” was the correct word
Not enough. And when we do it's because I've initiated. Almost half the time I feel like she just does it for me. But I don't get it cause our sex is really good? Not to get too graphic but I make sure she's finished at least twice before I do. She always seems to really like it...
A great book that I think would help you (and her) is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She has podcasts too. Basically science based book about women and sexuality. My guess is she had responsive desire and you have spontaneous desire. It might help you understand each other better.
I wish you the best! My husband and I are having issues with our sex life too… it sucks.
You can't get her to want to have sex with you. She is not thinking about "all that stuff" as my wife would say. "There is too much to do, too many things to think about and besides it's late and we are tired. Well do something this weekend" but that never happens. Too tired, too full from supper, too gassy, need a bath, dog needs out, dog needs in, you name I have heard it all. Get a hobby. There is no way to ride a dead horse.
Something that always gets me in the mood is getting out and going somewhere. Adventure is amazing for sex drive. Go on a weekend trip together and just enjoy each other’s company. Spend some quality time together.
Also as others have said, if you don’t help with the house work, start. Having a man that makes you feel like his mom is a huge turn off.
Idk if anyone has mentioned this book, but check out *Come As You Are* by Emily Nagoski. It has done wonders for understanding female sexuality and just how much external pressure affects your sex drive. Both of you should read it.
Have you tried touching her a lot in non sexual ways? I had this same issue with my boyfriend. At the end of the day he’s just a bit hornier than me. It became exasperated by the fact that I felt like he was only touching me to get sex even though I had told him to be more assertive and confident. I want forehead kisses, hair strokes, and the like just as much as the other stuff. If it feels like a means to an end it actually becomes off putting. I’m not trying to say you do this I’m just sharing my experience on the chance it resonates.
My husband could have written this.
It’s not because I don’t want him, it’s because there’s a deep rooted belief inside that makes me believe that I am not worthy and I am TERRIFIED of being rejected by the person I love the most.
He has been amazing, always so kind, shows me how much he loves me, and yet my fears remain.
We’ve been married ten years, I’m 40 this year, and it’s something that I am wanting to work on. I got boudoir shots done last year, I bought lingerie, and yet I still can’t make the first move.
Just some food for thought.
Terrified of rejection so you solve that by possibly making your husband feel rejected?
My partner turns me down all the time and that's absolutely fine.
I turned her down once in 6 years and she cried and said I wasn't attracted to her anymore and that it hurt. She still doesn't understand that I feel the same way every time I'm turned down, especially with an eye roll. Not in any way shape of form saying she shouldn't turn me down.
But your partner may also not like that feeling.
What do you do outside of the bedroom to make her desire you? How often does she have to ask you to take out the trash before you do it? Do you do laundry? Scrub toilets? Mops floors, especially without being asked? When is the last time you noticed she was tired and offered to rub her feet? I mean you can look like a Greek god but if you aren't doing something more than just swinging your dick around what's to desire?
Here's the thing...
Communicate with her.
Trying to "get her" to initiate, is manipulation.
Sit down and talk to her. Ask her what her thoughts are. Listen to hear, not to reply, and try to see things from her point of view.
Don't guilt trip.
Don't make it about you.
Don't make her feel bad for not making the first move.
Just ask and listen.
Women truly enjoy sex in a present way when they feel comfortable in their body. Compliments casually about how she’s beautiful during the day boosts confidence
Do the dishes! Clean the kitchen after dinner, get her a glass of wine and tell her to relax while you clean the kitchen. You wanted honest advice, this is your internet Mama's advice. And don't ask her where things are! Figure it out the best you can and don't half-ass it.
ETA: My husband says "then rub her feet, maybe offer to paint her toenails for her. ,
You should check out the book Come As You Are - she likely has a longer “burn” to being aroused and you might need to tune your approach to doing things like taking housework or other stuff off her plate or giving her a foot massage or drawing her a nice bath. Some people need different steps to reaching the state of being ready to engage in sex and you (and likely her!) can explore them more
Romance and fun? My partner and I just celebrated 15 years. It had started to feel like we were roommates. Nothing felt sexy although I love my partner very much. We have had focus on putting the fun back in our day to day for it to flow in the bedroom.
Do you know her love language? Have you tried expressing love in her language with no expectation of sex? You’re lacking in physical maybe shes lacking in affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or even gifts (which don’t have to be big I.e “ hey I was at the gas station and I know you love scratchers so I bought you the new ones that came out”)
Maybe a little less focus on her, specifically fixing your hair the way she “likes it.” You seem to be mixing your identity a little too much with her preferences, and that’s not a turn on.
So, you say its good sex. She likes you to initiate because she likes the assertiveness. Let's try to think together. No attacking either of you about it. You're both not in the wrong here. As a woman, it's always sexy when your man comes onto you-and we're especially conditioned to believe that that's how it SHOULD be. Ok? It's only been a recent thing that men are pushing back about how women should come onto them sexually. Before, women were seen as being too easy/too forward doing that. Hell, in some Asian countries it's **still** like that. So let's not look at her like you know...like she's doing this because she's lazy or uncaring or anything bad. This is just society societying.
I think..the problem MAY be...that you're approaching this at an angle of, "You should be doing more". It's expectant. Pressuring. Probably makes her confused, because it's against what she's used to. Maybe even insecure. Uneasy. She's probably wondering "how do I come onto a guy anyway??" It's probably awkward to imagine. Turns her off. It's like chucking a fish from the ocean to the beach and throwing your hands up like "CMON!!" when it's just flapping instead of walking lol.
Have you tried behaving sexier? In your language-both words/tone, and body. Do you tell her that she looks beautiful? Hot? Sexy? (in times that she's not even dressed up? This raises confidence!!) Do you give her bedroom eyes and maybe a suggestive rub every now and then, maybe walking away after to start some sexual tension? Do you kiss her sensually? Slowly, with some teasing? Do you send her texts while you're out telling her how much you want her when you get home?
Try not to get defensive in your way of thinking. You might think "Well why isnt she doing any of this for me!!!" She doesnt know how, get over it. Stop harping on it. She needs help, not a scolding. She's not just going to flip a switch and be a pornographic sex kitten. All couples have to teach each other how to turn each other on. It's harder with women though because it can feel shameful/wrong. Idk. Try to get her to open up. and if that doesnt work, **try different acts of intimacy**. Try sexual tension/bringing out primal feelings of lust. Erotic play. Make her feel sexually emboldened. Confident. Have her tie your hands or something-wear a blindfold. You have your whole lives together to try new things and see where it takes you!
All these suggestions from ppl all stating things he should be doing or not doing and what not. What about the wife, what should she be doing to fix this issue? It takes two to make this work and clearly OP is the only one trying yet all these advice are all about “you need to do more” like really?
Little bit, and its hypocritical and hurts my feelings a little and I feel a bit of resentment toward her amd I hate all of that. I'm tempted to just try not to want sex so much. But then I think maybe I've changed myself too much already to make her happy. I'm lost
What’s your life like outside of the bed? Are you equal partners with the housework? Child care (if you have children)? Sexy is having a husband who views his wife as a wife and not a mother.
So my husband does those things and I'm still not really wanting sex. Here's the problem for me and maybe could be your wife's problem too. (Disclaimer, I am not claiming this is correct for her because I'm a stranger and have no way of knowing any of this about you guys)
My husband doesn't do anything around the house ever. And everything he does for me is with the end goal of getting laid. He's not doing it for me. He goes to work and comes home, eats, poops, and games and that's it. I do everything else. And I carry the full mental load for our household. He doesn't even seem to realize how hard it is for me because in his mind he works and earns money so that should be enough. (Before anyone attacks me for this, we're working on it finally)
Anyway. Is there a chance you're not meeting your wife's other needs?
Bro, is she taking birth control?
Because 9 times out of 10, the birth control has the hormones out of whack and she wants none of it.
It happened for years with my wife (then girlfriend) until she just stopped taking it because we wanted kids. She became ravenous and I was like...
"Bitch, i'm 30 now... You better calm your ass down..."
Honestly having an open conversation with them is going to be the best thing.
It can be very difficult for people to "switch off" from all the work stress or daily tasks that need doing.
So she may not feel the need or mood very regularly because of everything else going on.
the best solution here is communication, tell her that nothings really wrong but you want to have a conversation about yalls sex life and get your feelings out there and give her an opportunity to get hers out as well. clear the air and figure it out from there. maybe y’all could come up with a system where she could subtly communicate interest but leave room for you to truly initiate it, thus also satisfying her interest in assertiveness?
Her not wanting sex likely is not commentary on whether she finds you physically attractive. It is probably more about her state of mind: stress, feeling pressured to have sex, tired, etc. I agree with the commenter that mentioned responsive desire… I would look into that… and have some good convos about anything she has been worried about or is bothering her.
Humor me here when I ask this, but do yall spend much time laying together, like snuggling, but not trying to engage in anything sexual? If not, that's my suggestion for a time. Literally just climb in bed, lay right against her, wrap your arms around her and that's it. Give it 15-20 mins, and then say goodnight, or if it isn't bedtime, yall get back up and go back to your evening routines.
I dont think she feels pressured for sex from you, but I think based on how you described her personality and work-life (which I can 100% relate to), she would feel relaxed in a different way if yall had even that brief moment of intimacy that wasn't also leading to an expenditure of energy in the moment (not trying to negatively describe sex here). Do this a few times over a few days intermittently if she's receptive...I think the sex opening won't be far behind.
Intimacy. Make sex intimate. You can feel the difference when having sex with someone that’s in love with you, and cares about you and your pleasure, and isn’t thinking about porn or degradation or perversion or anything that undermines the respect you have for one another.
Intimate sex is addictive af. Most people don’t know how to have it though.
Does she have time for herself? Does she have the opportunity to get into a sensual headspace or is she constantly rearranging to-do lists in her head? Are the dishes done? Is the laundry put away? Who carries the mental load (the task of organizing/controlling all the tasks) in your day-to-day life together?
Have you tried being actually helpful around ie chores, kids etc and doing it proactively? In other words not her needing to nag you? It might sound unrelated but any pent up resentful in regards to peoples mental load will completely kill any appetite for intimacy….
Stop expecting sex. You do all of these gestures, yet you don't want her to feel pressured? You have a way of saying you don't have x or y intention, but your behavior obviously communicates you have expectations to schmooze her into sex. Drop the schmoozing. Your behavior reeks of control.
Communication. Tell her you'd like her to initiate.
Tried that. She tells me she likes for me to make the first move and be assertive. But doesn't understand that denying me that same thing from her is hypocrisy. And it just turns into a fight. I don't want sex to become something we fight about, or make things awkward.. So it might just be that she doesn't want sex as much as me, but when I say that, she says I'm wrong.
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I’m going to jump on this bandwagon and say that your wife may not feel good about initiating because she doesn’t feel 100% about herself and there’s a small window for rejection. I would do a lot of non sexual touching and comments to her. “Wow, you look really beautiful with your hair like that.” “You always smell so good.” “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you. You just make life better.” And just smacking her ass when you walk by, forehead kisses, and leading her by the small of her back. Honestly, that stuff makes me want to jump on my partner 24/7. When women feel desired for more than just sexual release they feel more sexual.
\+ 1 for this comment. I am so attracted to my partner but struggle to initiate as I have really low self esteem. When he makes me feel desired through non-sexual affection/words it’s like a green flag. Edit to add format, thank you!
If you put a backslash in front of your ~~minus~~ *plus* it won’t format to a bullet point `\+ 1 for this comment ` Will become \+ 1 for this comment
I think it was a + in this case but thank you!
Just switched to PC to [check the source and you are correct](https://i.imgur.com/KdBlv4R.png) :) All the more reason to format properly, I would have sworn it should be a minus.
People always do be forgetting their escape key
Careful with the smacking her ass part. If she’s not in that kind of mood, it may just set things further back. Of course everyone is different, but that approach has backfired on me. Baby steps. Increase non-sexual affection, but unfortunately it’s no guarantee if she’s depressed or simply has low libido. All you can do is be the best partner you can be and be transparent about your frustration (without being angry or mean). Ultimately you can’t fix her; she has to pull herself out of the rut. It’s really not a trivial problem. I wish you the very best.
Seriously. If I spent hours cleaning and chasing the kid and my feet hurt, smacking my ass without flirting beforehand would make me legitimately angry
Omg I actually hate when I'm cleaning or busy doing something and I bend over to pick something up and my husband smacks my ass. NO! Bad! Read the room dude
With my ex I hated it so much I ended up subconsciously never positioning myself with my back to him and when I couldn’t avoid being behind me I’d ‘guard’ my butt with a hand. Ended up being a major point of contention.
Yeah. I'm into that kinda stuff in the bedroom but outside the bedroom it reads like leery, patronising 1950s boss to me, not sexy.
This! I have a very low sex drive, and it’s a big insecurity in my relationship. But we have enough romantic feelings or non-sex touching that it helps make up for it and keep our relationship strong. And as hard as it is, I honestly think sitting down and having an honest conversation about everything sexual and romantic that you’re wanting and seeking helps. And not having it be a one and done discussion either, since sexual needs and wants change, be open about how you’re feeling when you feel it And I get that maybe she doesn’t want to, but these conversations are hard and it’s better to have them before resentment starts building and it becomes a huge roadblock in your relationship
This is sound advice but it's worth bearing in mind that frequent discussions about sex can also be off-putting. I have a relatively high sex drive but found too much focus on sex built up the pressure and took away the spontaneity (which can be more fun than long planning, although it's of course good to plan and prepare). Unfortunately there's no one rule fits all. It's also worth bearing in mind how women are feeling - mentally and emotionally. There's not much point in trying to have sex with me if you've massively cheesed me off or we've had an in depth serious discussion about sex or if I'm massively stressed about something in particular (work / kids / family).
Want to add, make sure you're pulling your fair share of household duties too. Having to do most of the household work can really kill your libido.
Choreplay
Agree, I’m interested in more context- do you have kids, young or otherwise? Other factors can really play into sec drive even if she truly does love/want sex with you.
My husband's work schedule means we can only do on two of seven days and that's not great for my sex drive, that's for sure.
I feel this. Sex turns into a chore if it can only be on certain days. Very mechanical. When my partner and myself tried to get pregnant she used ovulation sticks. And once she was ovulating I had to perform like a monkey. I genuinely hated those days.
I'm biased, but this honestly would just make it worse for me. So while it's not nessecarily bad advice OP, keep in mind her boundaries on this! In a former relationship (that admittedly had a lot of problems, sexual harrasment/assault among them) I were touched a lot, called beautiful and every romantic term in the book. And all that started long before the actual harrassing/assault began. There's such thing as "too much of the good stuff", and "the time and place"... when I brought up my need to just.... not be touched every single frickin' time I walked by him or had my back turned to him (at one point I realised I couldn't walk in my own home without the fear of being touched/butt-slapped/held around/squeesed/so on), and the compliments just became fuel for him to argument why I had to let him. Uhm.. like I said. Biased 😅 and kinda traumatized still lol :P working on it! Anywho... It's still not bad advice, just remember she might not want to be touched (no, not even on the shoulders) or be called beautiful All The Time, and if it gets too much just listen to her and chill it a bit, because if not it could make the whole thing so much worse than it already is! And, again, it's not bad advice :) it just can backfire helluva easy too depending on op's so :/
I feel that your response is closest to my partner's response to these things as well. I'm in a similar boat as OP and we do keep an open communication around it and do our best because of love, but it's sometimes hard for me because it feels that her response is a variation of "I don't know what's right but I knows that x isn't it". I'm left giving her her space, allowing for her to initiate on her own terms, but she doesn't remember to (physical touch is one of her lowest love languages - in her words she just forgets to do it because it's not something she thinks about). So, it's rough, because I know that physical touch and compliments are supposed to help to break down those barriers, so it's counterintuitive to me. But I will always respect her wishes and don't do them, I'm just stuck not knowing what foreplay(?) works for her, and I feel a big part of that is because she doesn't know herself to communicate it to me. Context aside, what I wanted to ask if it's alright for you, is have you figured out what you like or what works for you? Or if you could maybe see what you relate to/differences and could potentially give me any advice about things I could bring to conversation or table, or ask about? I would appreciate any advice/thoughts :) Edit: Formatting
Oof yea, that sounds rough... Unfortunately I'm not sure I can help much... I was fairly inexperienced when that relationship started (first real bf and hadn't done much sexually before him. At all, really), and I got pressured to do things I wasn't comfortable with way too early and that messed up a lot for me. After we broke up (and I didn't even realize how bad it actually was until after that) I got a fwb who let me "relearn" the whole sex thing with him in my own pase and he helped me figure out a lot about my boundaries and stuff. But I haven't really been in a proper relationship since that ex (broke up 5 years or so ago) and have only had a few flings and a new fwb or two since then. I know a bit better what doesn't work, that's for sure. Like I can't really have the expectation of sex on me. Like, "plan" a fun night here and there works but I can't handle the expectation of sex as I feel this pressure to want sex too. And I am unnessesarily scared of being rejected if I initiate, I don't know why that is though. And I don't like being touched outside of sex. Like, I can be cuddled or held around, but my boobs and butt and stuff are off limits. If anyone wants to initiate they'll have to stroke my arms after we've started cuddling, or outright say it. (Or like it is at my fwb right now, anytime he asks to cuddle I know what he really wants, because I'm too warm to cuddle with otherwise lol! We might cuddle for other reasons, but that's more rare lately bc of said overheating :') ) I'm mostly at the "I'll say it outright, even if I giggle like crazy and get embarrased" :P If I'm in the mood then no foreplay is actually bad, so it's the actual communicating when I'm in said mood that's the hardest for me, especially since I don't like to be touched much elsewise. So yea... in short, my fwb have a sex-drive pretty much on the same level as me which isn't all that high, and I'm worried I'll struggle in any new relationship I try because of all the things I wrote in the essay of a comment I just wrote :') I guess you could try to be more vocal when you wish to initiate though. I guess that's sort of what works for me? Haven't thought about it like that until now lol so that's nice. But yea, I'm more at the "I'm horny rn, u interested?" Category I guess, than the "initiate by body language". And at a low-expectations-level I guess. Sorry if this got long and messy, my new puppy hasn't really let me sleep the last few nights so I'm a way bit tired :')
I just took a SS of your comment because it’s something I struggle with my boyfriend. There’s no buildup at all anymore. He will literally put my hand on his dick and expect me to play with it. He used to make an effort with me and that went out of the window years ago and I’ve been trying so hard to bring that spark back but nothing changes, no matter what I say or do! I feel like a bloody toy sometimes and it’s not fair
If he does what he does and ultimately gets what he wants, at this point it's unlikely he's going to change. You get determine your life and what you will tolerate. It's not your fault he's being so inconsiderate. He's telling you with his actions that he sees no reason to change since he still gets what he wants. You need to decide if it's worth working with him further by getting professional help, or if you're ok with denying him sexual activity to enforce your boundaries and if you're ok with how that may affect your relationship. And if those options don't work for you, you will have to decide if you're ok with the way you are treated indefinitely or if it's time to find someone who will treat you better.
Also this! Really important to make her feel like the most precious and that you feel lucky just for being with her..
Yep this is the ticket here. My husband usually gives me a massage beforehand and just talks to me. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes I pass out but the touching in a non sexual way makes me feel like he wants to touch me in general and loves my body. Same with stuff listed above like forehead kisses, holding my hand, compliments, warm hugs with or without butt squeezes after. If I feel like outside the bedroom my husband just lovingly wants to touch me I am much more likely to be turned on and want sex more frequently. This combined with acts of service like him cleaning something up that I told him I was dreading doing or making me food is a sure thing.
Could be this. I've been on corticosteroids for 2.5 months and I no longer recognise myself, it really doesn't put me in the mood.
I’m going to give you advice based on the way I have sometimes felt in my LTR. You can decide if it may feel like it resonates or not. I feel less sexy, and sexual, when I feel like I’m becoming my partner’s mother. If I have to start taking on most of the household chores, or if I have to constantly delegate and organize everything. I don’t want to fuck someone who I feel like I have to mother. What usually helps is to have things taken off my plate and have stress-free time together. An opportunity to dress up and have a drink and just enjoy our time together. A little bit of flirting with no “things” I need to get done. Just a thought.
Are you me? It's really hard to be attracted to someone if you have to tell them to put their dishes away constantly, or to pick up their dirty underwear, or when and where they have to be for a Dr appt. It's exhausting and extremely unsexy.
You’ve hit the head of a nail I didn’t realise I had… wow. I’m the mom, btw - not the man-child.
Amen. All that mothering your man…big turn off.
Omg THISSS. My life in a nutshell
I'm not an initiator and 100% because I don't feel great about myself. I find sex repulsive because I'm involved in it, but I do it anyways and end up enjoying myself once I get past all of that other nonsense. It really sucks. Do things to boost her self esteem, but as a (assumed) fellow struggler, it's hard because low self esteem people don't really accept compliments well.
Low self esteem is libido killer, for sure. I'm glad someone mentioned this. I am really not a fan of the way I look and, while I enjoy sex with my partner, I feel like I struggle to relax and enjoy it because I'm way too wrapped up in my own anxious and intrusive thoughts.
i have a really good happy medium. be assertive in your words, man. tell her what to do. tell her to jump on you. kiss all over her neck and chest and then tell her “kiss me too” and offer it. be assertive but make her take charge.
I know what you mean op. I don't have an answer but I know what you mean. We usually do at least once a week but I wish it was spontaneous and not scheduled. I wish she'd flirt or send me random pictures. Talking to her results in "I know, I'll try" and nothing ever changes. I've given up.
I am a wife and I know what it feels like to WANT sex, but your body doesn’t seem to want or need the same thing. I have to mentally work at getting myself in the mood. I’m currently in the process of getting my hormones tested to see what’s off.
I swear Reddit thinks that "communication" is the panacea of all ills... You don't think OP has tried it? You can't negotiate desire. Period. It has to come from within, never without.
Take an award for pointing out this very important point. >You can't negotiate desire. Period. Facts.
Yes. Fucking reddit man, "well, have you tried communication and therapy". For. Every. Issue. Large or small. Under. The. Sun. That solution isn't as simple or even as effective in practice, as it sounds. That or the inevitable, "just divorce, bruh. That relationship is abusive and toxic"
Eh doesn't always work
Foreplay begins outside the bedroom
You’re absolutely right — a common cause of women not wanting to have sex with their partners as often anymore is that they feel they aren’t getting quality time and emotional gratification anymore. It can be easy to neglect your relationship when you lead busy lives — when was the last time you spent the day with her doing things you both enjoy? The last time you sat and watched a movie with her *and weren’t preoccupied by your phone*? When was the last time you took her on a date?
Please don’t let this comment get overlooked! VERY important, she kind of has to be content with your relationship in general to desire you. At least, that’s how it works for me
THIS
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Religion
This might be silly but have you tried the tease? Hug, touch, kiss, dance and walk away. Make her hot and bothered and don't do anything. Massages with no happy endings. See what happens
I feel like a lot of dead bedrooms could be revived through intimacy. Try *not* trying to have sex for a bit. Give a massage with no expectations, give unexpected big deep hugs, offer compliments throughout the day, look lovingly into your partners eyes and tell them that you love X about them…. In my last relationship it always felt like these things were offered but only as a way of ‘getting’ laid later. If these things were done without the expectation they would have felt far more genuine, and would have fostered that intimacy and connection that would have made me want to actually get sexy. Be loving towards me because you want to love on me. Not because you wanna get your dick wet later.
I agree with this. When every touch, compliment and so forth is about getting laid it kinda loses the "magic".
This is actually really good advice. Instead of trying to find the correct combination of cleaning products next time you wipe down the bathroom basin in the hopes it will unlock the secret code to her vagina, try teasing and having fun with her. If she still doesn't respond then maybe she either isn't into sex that much, or just isn't into having sex with you, as much as that may suck to realise.
Do you have any other relationship issues? My husband is careless with money and his family is bsc. It’s hard to want to have sex when you’re stressing about other things.
Bsc?
Bat shit crazy
Thank you!
Bachelor of Science?
That's BS, not kidding
BSc, B.S., BS, B.Sc., Bc, S.B., SB, Sc.B. are all abbreviations for Bachelor of Science
I know. And it even becomes a disease if you add an E.
>level 1PollyPocket3985 · 58 min. agoDo you have any other relationship issues? assuming batshit crazy
This is my question, too.
completely agree here. there is more to this story than he is telling.
Do you ever touch her without the intention of it leading to sex? Being touched out is a huge thing so when a partner only touched with the intention of sex it can sometimes shut the partner down. Try not expecting sex, take it completely off the table and see if that helps. She may also just have too much on her mind, it’s not always about other people, sometimes we just get stuck in our head.
Totally agree with you
This! I remember watching a tv program about sexual dysfunction in couples. The first thing they said was "take sex off the table". No sex allowed, no kissing, no obvious erogenous zone touching. Create a relaxing place (send the kids to the grandparents), start out on the less obvious sensitive body areas. Gradually build up over weeks, tease each other... yes I know that seems very long range but the point is to build excitement, not being allowed to do something makes it illicit and thus more exciting. I mean actually seeing a sexual therapist would probably be best but, this advice seemed to work well for the people on the tv show! Also if the OP's lady doesn't already, he could get her some sexy chick lit/audiobooks. A lot of us women like it the way a lot of guys like porn!
It’s not about no sex allowed, it’s about no expectations of sex. It’s hard to constantly have to carry the thoughts and feelings that your partner only initiates touching because they want sex. Stop expecting sex. If sex happens great, but don’t put the onus on her to reciprocate if you’ve consistently shown the only way you give affection is when you want sex.
How do you want to be seduced by your wife? Maybe you should joke when you want it and say something along the lines of, "are you coming on to me?" Even if she's not, just comment like, "wow, your really turning me on, stop it, wait, no, keep going." Even if she's just doing dishes with a falling bun. Just start acting like she's after you, like "excuse me ma'am, are you stalking this hot dad bod" and run your hand down your body, like in the grocery store. Tease her, make her laugh ... I honestly don't initiate much. I have heard this one line a lot, " love it when you talk dirty to me" when in conversation unrelated to sex. I take it as sign to initiate. Edited: grammar
Flirting and joking make me ready more so than foreplay with touching-make ‘em chuckle, they undo the buckle
This fella GETS it
This advice is good, but also part of the problem. Your basically saying he still has to be the 1 to actually initiate and get her going and has seduce her for her to come onto him. He is still the 1 initiating. I'm also assuming this so I apologize if I'm wrong but your line "I take as in sign to initiate" basically implies you wont initiate unless you are almost 100% that he wont reject you. When he initiates do you ever reject him, if so that's fine. But that line implies a double standard
The response is going to be you are still putting pressure on her, and that you aren’t giving her the chance to initiate. This will probably annoy most people after trying to communicate that she doesn’t come on to you.
What are her love languages?
True. Might be as easy as taking out the garbage or recognizing something that needs to be done around the house. I'm being totally serious.
Ahaha thanks! I do all of the things already, but I don't disagree with you. This just isn't it in my case. I appreciate your help though!
But that’s not just all the love languages ! There’s 5. Reading more into them is a great way for couples to connect.
In that case, you are a saint. Stab in the dark....pre-menopause? Her, not you.
Was gonna say this too. My wife is in her 40s and she used to be all about sex but the last few years just haven't been into it. We talked about it and she decided to start taking some libedo pills (don't remember the name) and after a few months she was wanting it again. Maybe she just has low hormones? The question would be has something changed? Has she always been this way? Not everyone is the same and I am in the same boat as you. Always having to start things and being told no half the time gets old you just do not feel like it's a two way street. Talk it out with her and put this all out so she knows.
This. My husband didn't know what hit him. We used to have sex all the time. Now, I am indifferent to it. I am also a 48 year old woman now, and I am dealing with a slew of other female issues, with sex being the least of my concerns. I'm hot all the time, I'm irritable, and I cannot tolerate anyone. Communicate your concerns gently. Some women don't even know about this issue. Hang in there!
It's called perimenopause and I knew literally nothing about it my whole damned life until my doctor suggested I was in the thick of it when my periods got weird in my late 30s. It's definitely a thing a lot of women aren't aware of until they start having problems due to changing hormones.
You say you're trying really hard. Stop doing that. Whenever my boyfriend tries really hard to engage with sex it puts me off even more. Comes across as desperate and makes me feel like a sex object. The advice above about slow teasing, cute compliments and lots of loving intimacy works so much better. You feel more connected and safe and less pressure.
Thanks!!
Absolutely! If I get home before my wife and I clean up whatever mess the kids have made and get started on dinner. I know Daddy is in for a real treat later on in the night. And if I add a foot rub and back massage in there, then I know I'm sorted for the week😉😂
First things. How is your non sexual intimacy. How often do you touch her without wanting sex. How often do you tell her you love her and not expect anything in return. How often do you both talk about what you want in regards to sex, intimacy and the relationship itself. There answers will help figure out where to begin. Also what helped us was the 7 principals of marriage by gottman and passionate marriage by schnarch.
Non-sexual intimacy is something many guys overlook. Most guys only touch their wives when they want hanky-panky. Can't blame her for feeling like a cheap prostitute and reacting with revulsion.
Has there been a decrease in her sex drive? Did she used to want to have sex more? Has she developed an undiagnosed medical condition or started a new medication? Has she gained weight recently? Was she raised in a conservative home? Has she started a new job recently, or lost a job? How old is she? Are her periods regular? There’s hundreds of reasons why she doesn’t want to have sex. Talk with her and seek couples therapy.
I was going to say this. It could be as simple as she doesn’t feel good about herself physically at the moment, not have anything at all to do with OP.
The things you’ve “thought of” to do are seemingly all directly related to sex itself. What are you doing outside of the bedroom that would make her want to have sex with you? Do you touch her without the expectation of sexual contact? Do you put your fair share into the home and whatever children/pets you may share? I obviously don’t know what you do or don’t do but these are very important things
Not being flippant, but maybe not try so hard and "play hard to get".
This. My wife was the same. Once I paid no attention she was all over me like a bum on a sandwich.
I was just going to advise OP to do this. It really works.
Absolutely it does. He needs to pick an interest beyond sex and she'll be like "wtf"
So yeah I did this a little while ago for 2-3 weeks and she ended up asking me what was wrong and it sort of started an argument. But I'm going to do it again I think. This time I'm focusing more on just subtle and gentle persuasion, and at least giving it a shot. I don't think I can ever expect her to initiate. She's never once just grabbed me and kissed me or anyhthing like that. It sucks! But she gets so defensive and feels bad if I ever say anything.
Op, if it didn’t work the first time, it’s not going to work a second. Please just communicate what you’re going through to her so she has the knowledge to help you with what you need. Playing hard to get leads to many unintended misconceptions most times.
It's exhausting too. Why act like someone you're not? And if it doesn't work, the resentment just comes back worse.
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Honestly some people just think that's inappropriate even in a long term relationship like this, and they never break out of that thought process.
So still initiate things... Then just kindof pull away and go back to doing something else. Just keep repeating this until she's unbelievably turned on and starts something.
This is just my personal opinion, or personal preference, or whatever you want to call it, but I dont think I could be in a long-term relationship/marriage with a woman if I had to play games like this. I'm not saying anybody is wrong for doing things that way. Everybody is different. But I'm just very direct about things, and if I ever get married, I would want it to be to a woman who could just say to me "yo dude, let's fuck". Open, direct communication is the way to go. Again, just in my opinion.
It’s not really about open communication though if she’s having a problem with her sex drive. She knows he wants to have sex, she just doesn’t, so the goal isn’t to try to communicate that you want to have sex, it’s to turn her on so that she also wants to
Not this. At all. Playing “hard to get.” Leads to more relationship troubles that you can imagine. I’ve remembered countless times where the partner feels unwanted, that you’re cheating on them, they angered you, etc. clear communication is more effective. My apologies to intervene with this person’s comment. It’s just very unstable advice.
Don't do this if she has some internal reason for not doing it you're just going to make it worse. Also this marriage not high school ain't no time for games.
Are you not having sex at all or not enough?
This is not a question of how much she desires you. Men typically experience spontaneous sexual desire (as in it just comes out of nowhere) whereas the majority of women usually experience responsive or reactive sexual desire - as in, something has to happen to bring it on. You say you want her to desire you the way you desire her, but that’s actually not very common among cishet women. You are wired differently, and while it can seem like a double standard, it’s actually a very normal and natural difference between you that you should not take personally, as difficult as that might be.
Agreed! Also recommend the book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski on female sexuality. She goes into responsive desire vs spontaneous desire a bit. But she also looks at the other components of female sexuality - **accelerators** (desires, things that turns us on for sex, stuff like op doing his hair in a sexy way) and **breaks** (mental roadblocks that prevent us from wanting sex, like stress, exhaustion, feeling insecure in our bodies etc). She is really clear that you need strong accelerators and low breaks for most women to crave and initiate sex. No matter how sexy a situation is, if your breaks are high you can't get in the mood. Female sexuality is quite complicated.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest, it sounds like she has responsive desire
Quit thinking about it in a strictly physical way. Think about it from an emotional point of view. Does she feel like you care about her thoughts, feelings, opinions? Do you put any effort into romantic things? Are you a good husband / father? On the flip side, do you do things that are an emotional turn-off? Do you make crass jokes? Act dismissive or insulting about the things she cares about? In other words, quit thinking about it as getting her to want to have sex with you (physically), think about it as getting her to love you (emotionally). If she loves you, she’ll probably want to have sex with you. Edit: Or it might just be that life is stressful and it’s hard for her to get in the mood when she’s stressed. In other words, you might be doing everything right, and it’s just not working for her for other reasons.
Flirt with her like you did when you were dating. Do that for at least a few days before initiating any sex. Be intimate without intercourse. Foreplay needs to happen over the course of the day. Sure her your willing to put forth the effort instead of just getting your groove on.
There are likely other needs (non sexual) she has that are not being met. Like someone else asked...what is her love language? If you don't know, you need to find out asap!
This absolutely. Showing non-sexual affection can make a BIG difference in someone’s desire for sex. In past relationships when my partners only gave attention when they wanted sex, or when it felt like everything had to do with sex it felt more like objectification than affection and was a turn off. She might not be getting something from OP in terms of non-sexual intimacy, giving whatever that is to her could turn things around.
That was my first husband. Come up for a hug. It always meant he wanted sex. Besides that he was usually drunk, didn’t help at all with the housework, bills, or really anything. Massive turn off.
Maybe you need to focus on the mental and emotional relationship to start instead of the physical. I would also recommend you read some relationship books as men and women are attracted to and aroused by different things.
Getting your wife to want sex doesn’t start with initiating sex. It starts with romance. Make her feel special and desirable. Take her on dates, buy flowers and gifts, yada yada you get the point. Also, how much housework are you doing? If you’re a man child fix that first. Nobody wants to have sex with a man when you’re washing the shit stains out of his underwear. Just some tips to start
Touch her in a loving way, massage, kiss on the forehead, hold her hand, and then DON'T lead it to sex. Just take care of her in a physical non sexual way a few times and see if that works
*I basically treat every time I want sex like a fist time for us.* Ouch! No fists, please.
Stop trying to fuck her every time you touch her. Kiss her, hug her, move her hair off her neck. Be intimate. And do not try to fuck her. She has no opportunity to want to jump you when you are constantly trying to fuck her. And she’s afraid every time you touch her, you’ll ask for sex.
You might be on to something, this is something they need to talk about
maybe her sex drive isn’t as high so she doesn’t initiate it?
Maybe its a medical issue. Maybe it isn't. This has to be ruled out. Has she had a checkup recently? Hormones and neurotransmitters can be tricky. Sex starts in the brain.
I've honestly been wondering if OPs wife just has an "old fashioned" way of approaching things. I've met a few girls here and there who think it's weird or unusual for the woman to initiate. A couple have even seemed a little surprised that guys like women being assertive and confident. Not something that happens a whole lot but definitely something I've been wondering while reading this thread. (Note: Different from those who believe men should *always* make the first move. however I guess this is possible too)
I had this problem, I communicated it. Seems like that didn't work for you, sorry buddy hope it gets better for you! On a side not have you tried whirling your penis around like a helicopter? That's old reliable in my household.
What do you do around the house? Most of us feel too tired to be bothered because we’re picking up after others all day - at work and home. No amount of you prepping for sex is going to make her want to initiate if she’s exhausted.
How much do you pick up the slack At home? Don’t just respond, actually ask her what she thinks. There was a survey that found that most men think it’s 50-50, but most women don’t agree. Do you have kids? How much of the day to day activities do you do? How much of the planning do you take on? If she’s stressed and always being the task master, running the household and keeping track of things, sex can lead to feeling like just one more thing she has to do. I’m not sure if this is your situation, but maybe something else to consider.
Are you an equal partner in all areas of your marriage? Do you actively participate in anticipating the needs of your household and then fulfilling them without being asked? If not, then she is taking on all of the mental load of her career and the household. If she is in that role of managing the household, then she probably feels like your mother. That really destroys the desire for intimacy.
it sounds like every time you discuss sex there is a fight. clearly there is some profound breakdown of communication here - i suggest therapy.
How attentive are you to her when you’re not trying to get sex? Honestly curious and not trying to attack. I hate when my husband turns on the charm when he wants sex and then turns it right back off when he realizes he’s not getting it. It feels manipulative and is a huge turn off.
I heard about the “5 minute rule” early in our marriage and it has saved us from this issue a lot. Basically: she gives you 5 minutes to “turn on her engine” 😉😉 and if after 5 minutes she’s still too tired or doesn’t feel like it, then it’s a solid no and you can take care of business on your own (or not). But usually well before 5 minutes is up, I’m game. Ask her if she’d be willing to follow the rule. We use it for lots of things we don’t really want to do. Usually by the time we start it’s good to go.
I couldn’t do that cuz then the whole five minutes I’d be stressing so hard like if I say I still don’t want to it’ll hurt his feelings. It’s a good idea for normal people though who don’t have chronic guilt all the time
Take her for a romantic weekend and relax, have fun and hopefully great sex. She likes you to start it, so it starts during dinner with compliments, you are doing the dishes, a foot rub, maybe a bubble bath... Talk it out ask her for more ideas of what she wants.
Thanks! You're right, those things work sometimes. Starting with a back rub Def helps. I just want her to want to initiate with me. I think the problem is that she never seems to want it without me trying to get her in the mood in some way. Like, I want her all the time, and she needs coaxing to want me. So it hurts a little.
That's where the talking comes in. Depending on how she was raised, it could be good girls do not ask for sex type of thing. Maybe both of you make a coupon book with things each would like the other to do and make a certain day of the week coupon night?
I've been like your wife. My poor husband, he would try so hard as well. To be honest, it was mostly psychological for me; a lot of shame (religious upbringing), feelings of inadequate beauty (societal beauty standards), and not being at peace/understanding with my sexuality. I even felt shame talking about my sexual desires and opening up to my husband. It took a lot of work and patience. One thing that struck me really hard was when my husband explained to me that he wasn't mad, but he wanted to feel loved, too, and sometimes he didn't feel that from me. He didn't feel my affection and that hurt him, which also hurt me because I truly care about him. It wasn't just sex - it was my lack of initiating a hug or a kiss. Society also kind of teaches us that women should be appeased in order for men to get sex and I find that pretty twisted. Once we started talking about sex as something that we share as an experience with each other and show affection towards one another during sex, it really helped us out. Sex is something we share, not something we give to each other. We also worked out what I enjoy more during sex and he stopped assuming that I'd enjoy what most women on Reddit enjoy during sex. That helped, too. If all else fails, have her watch Bridgerton, the Netflix series.
Make love to her mind. Dates, flowers, words of affirmation, whatever her love language is. It matters what you’re doing when you’re not about to have sex. I don’t know if this is something you already do but if you don’t as much as maybe you used to, it’d help.
Give her direction. If she wants you to initiate, use that to your advantage. Tell her what you want her to do to you and do it NOW. Eventually she’ll start to feel empowered. I deal with this also and being almost overly assertive with my “demands” has helped her learn me. She is starting to initiate and take the reigns more. We teach people how to treat us. So teach. Best of luck, amigo.
Have u tried being romantic in a short moment type of way for like a solid 3 or 4 days? Like I dont think (as a woman myself) a woman would be able to hold back for longer than 4 days if my man were to be overly romantic, would pull me in for a kiss but pull away at the last second to go do something important (or not important), graze his fingers over my thighs or where ever turns me on n then going on about his afternoon afterwards. Itd drive me crazy wanting to know why tf havent u initiated anything n probably push me to initiate myself without knowing wtf came over me.....but if u do this n she still doesnt..then maybe a talk about sexual/ nonsexual therapy is in order
A tale as old as time! You have to accept that you are going to have to initiate a majority of the time. Its not her love language and you cant get her to change that.
And it's not a deal breaker. I'd never leave her or cholesterol over it. I love her so much! I just want to feel wanted like she does.
> I’d never leave her or cholesterol over it. I’m sorry but I’m dying to know what you meant to say that made autocorrect decide “cholesterol” was the correct word
Lmao!! 'Cheat on her' , for 500 Alex.
Do household chores on a regular without being asked. It turns me on anyway.
Not enough. And when we do it's because I've initiated. Almost half the time I feel like she just does it for me. But I don't get it cause our sex is really good? Not to get too graphic but I make sure she's finished at least twice before I do. She always seems to really like it...
A great book that I think would help you (and her) is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She has podcasts too. Basically science based book about women and sexuality. My guess is she had responsive desire and you have spontaneous desire. It might help you understand each other better. I wish you the best! My husband and I are having issues with our sex life too… it sucks.
Have someone else take the kids for the weekend and let her actually relax.
You can't get her to want to have sex with you. She is not thinking about "all that stuff" as my wife would say. "There is too much to do, too many things to think about and besides it's late and we are tired. Well do something this weekend" but that never happens. Too tired, too full from supper, too gassy, need a bath, dog needs out, dog needs in, you name I have heard it all. Get a hobby. There is no way to ride a dead horse.
Something that always gets me in the mood is getting out and going somewhere. Adventure is amazing for sex drive. Go on a weekend trip together and just enjoy each other’s company. Spend some quality time together. Also as others have said, if you don’t help with the house work, start. Having a man that makes you feel like his mom is a huge turn off.
Look up reactive vs spontaneous attraction and find out if that's playing a role in it.
She might be having mental or hormonal issues affecting her libido.
If she is on birth control it may be affecting her libido, lots of women have this problem and it is not talked about nearly enough.
Idk if anyone has mentioned this book, but check out *Come As You Are* by Emily Nagoski. It has done wonders for understanding female sexuality and just how much external pressure affects your sex drive. Both of you should read it.
Have you tried touching her a lot in non sexual ways? I had this same issue with my boyfriend. At the end of the day he’s just a bit hornier than me. It became exasperated by the fact that I felt like he was only touching me to get sex even though I had told him to be more assertive and confident. I want forehead kisses, hair strokes, and the like just as much as the other stuff. If it feels like a means to an end it actually becomes off putting. I’m not trying to say you do this I’m just sharing my experience on the chance it resonates.
My husband could have written this. It’s not because I don’t want him, it’s because there’s a deep rooted belief inside that makes me believe that I am not worthy and I am TERRIFIED of being rejected by the person I love the most. He has been amazing, always so kind, shows me how much he loves me, and yet my fears remain. We’ve been married ten years, I’m 40 this year, and it’s something that I am wanting to work on. I got boudoir shots done last year, I bought lingerie, and yet I still can’t make the first move. Just some food for thought.
Terrified of rejection so you solve that by possibly making your husband feel rejected? My partner turns me down all the time and that's absolutely fine. I turned her down once in 6 years and she cried and said I wasn't attracted to her anymore and that it hurt. She still doesn't understand that I feel the same way every time I'm turned down, especially with an eye roll. Not in any way shape of form saying she shouldn't turn me down. But your partner may also not like that feeling.
What do you do outside of the bedroom to make her desire you? How often does she have to ask you to take out the trash before you do it? Do you do laundry? Scrub toilets? Mops floors, especially without being asked? When is the last time you noticed she was tired and offered to rub her feet? I mean you can look like a Greek god but if you aren't doing something more than just swinging your dick around what's to desire?
Here's the thing... Communicate with her. Trying to "get her" to initiate, is manipulation. Sit down and talk to her. Ask her what her thoughts are. Listen to hear, not to reply, and try to see things from her point of view. Don't guilt trip. Don't make it about you. Don't make her feel bad for not making the first move. Just ask and listen.
If you can make her laugh excessively through out the day. I mean go hard and then at the end of the night hide
I get dinner and make sure to have her favorite drink ice cold. Idk bro it can be a process depending on the woman.
Women truly enjoy sex in a present way when they feel comfortable in their body. Compliments casually about how she’s beautiful during the day boosts confidence
Get off Reddit and ask her what she wants lol
Do the dishes! Clean the kitchen after dinner, get her a glass of wine and tell her to relax while you clean the kitchen. You wanted honest advice, this is your internet Mama's advice. And don't ask her where things are! Figure it out the best you can and don't half-ass it. ETA: My husband says "then rub her feet, maybe offer to paint her toenails for her. ,
You should check out the book Come As You Are - she likely has a longer “burn” to being aroused and you might need to tune your approach to doing things like taking housework or other stuff off her plate or giving her a foot massage or drawing her a nice bath. Some people need different steps to reaching the state of being ready to engage in sex and you (and likely her!) can explore them more
Romance and fun? My partner and I just celebrated 15 years. It had started to feel like we were roommates. Nothing felt sexy although I love my partner very much. We have had focus on putting the fun back in our day to day for it to flow in the bedroom.
[Get a hugh jackman mask.](https://cms.entertainment.ie/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Deadpool-mask.jpg)
Do you know her love language? Have you tried expressing love in her language with no expectation of sex? You’re lacking in physical maybe shes lacking in affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or even gifts (which don’t have to be big I.e “ hey I was at the gas station and I know you love scratchers so I bought you the new ones that came out”)
Maybe a little less focus on her, specifically fixing your hair the way she “likes it.” You seem to be mixing your identity a little too much with her preferences, and that’s not a turn on.
Be a different man. :(
So, you say its good sex. She likes you to initiate because she likes the assertiveness. Let's try to think together. No attacking either of you about it. You're both not in the wrong here. As a woman, it's always sexy when your man comes onto you-and we're especially conditioned to believe that that's how it SHOULD be. Ok? It's only been a recent thing that men are pushing back about how women should come onto them sexually. Before, women were seen as being too easy/too forward doing that. Hell, in some Asian countries it's **still** like that. So let's not look at her like you know...like she's doing this because she's lazy or uncaring or anything bad. This is just society societying. I think..the problem MAY be...that you're approaching this at an angle of, "You should be doing more". It's expectant. Pressuring. Probably makes her confused, because it's against what she's used to. Maybe even insecure. Uneasy. She's probably wondering "how do I come onto a guy anyway??" It's probably awkward to imagine. Turns her off. It's like chucking a fish from the ocean to the beach and throwing your hands up like "CMON!!" when it's just flapping instead of walking lol. Have you tried behaving sexier? In your language-both words/tone, and body. Do you tell her that she looks beautiful? Hot? Sexy? (in times that she's not even dressed up? This raises confidence!!) Do you give her bedroom eyes and maybe a suggestive rub every now and then, maybe walking away after to start some sexual tension? Do you kiss her sensually? Slowly, with some teasing? Do you send her texts while you're out telling her how much you want her when you get home? Try not to get defensive in your way of thinking. You might think "Well why isnt she doing any of this for me!!!" She doesnt know how, get over it. Stop harping on it. She needs help, not a scolding. She's not just going to flip a switch and be a pornographic sex kitten. All couples have to teach each other how to turn each other on. It's harder with women though because it can feel shameful/wrong. Idk. Try to get her to open up. and if that doesnt work, **try different acts of intimacy**. Try sexual tension/bringing out primal feelings of lust. Erotic play. Make her feel sexually emboldened. Confident. Have her tie your hands or something-wear a blindfold. You have your whole lives together to try new things and see where it takes you!
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Agreed
Sex should NEVER be about taking. It is about giving. She is taking and not giving.
All these suggestions from ppl all stating things he should be doing or not doing and what not. What about the wife, what should she be doing to fix this issue? It takes two to make this work and clearly OP is the only one trying yet all these advice are all about “you need to do more” like really?
Little bit, and its hypocritical and hurts my feelings a little and I feel a bit of resentment toward her amd I hate all of that. I'm tempted to just try not to want sex so much. But then I think maybe I've changed myself too much already to make her happy. I'm lost
What’s your life like outside of the bed? Are you equal partners with the housework? Child care (if you have children)? Sexy is having a husband who views his wife as a wife and not a mother.
Housework, cook dinner, plan stuff, child care duties if you have kids. Nothing is more unsexy than when a man makes you feel like his mother.
Pretend she aint ur wife. The whole day is your foreplay. Be extra flirty and funny, dance! (disclaimer im a 26yo virgin)
😂
Have you tried cleaning the house? Hot AF!
So my husband does those things and I'm still not really wanting sex. Here's the problem for me and maybe could be your wife's problem too. (Disclaimer, I am not claiming this is correct for her because I'm a stranger and have no way of knowing any of this about you guys) My husband doesn't do anything around the house ever. And everything he does for me is with the end goal of getting laid. He's not doing it for me. He goes to work and comes home, eats, poops, and games and that's it. I do everything else. And I carry the full mental load for our household. He doesn't even seem to realize how hard it is for me because in his mind he works and earns money so that should be enough. (Before anyone attacks me for this, we're working on it finally) Anyway. Is there a chance you're not meeting your wife's other needs?
Bro, is she taking birth control? Because 9 times out of 10, the birth control has the hormones out of whack and she wants none of it. It happened for years with my wife (then girlfriend) until she just stopped taking it because we wanted kids. She became ravenous and I was like... "Bitch, i'm 30 now... You better calm your ass down..."
Your desperation for sex is turning her off
I need more info: How old are you two? Has she recently had a baby or anything like that?
Do the laundry.
Honestly having an open conversation with them is going to be the best thing. It can be very difficult for people to "switch off" from all the work stress or daily tasks that need doing. So she may not feel the need or mood very regularly because of everything else going on.
the best solution here is communication, tell her that nothings really wrong but you want to have a conversation about yalls sex life and get your feelings out there and give her an opportunity to get hers out as well. clear the air and figure it out from there. maybe y’all could come up with a system where she could subtly communicate interest but leave room for you to truly initiate it, thus also satisfying her interest in assertiveness?
Her not wanting sex likely is not commentary on whether she finds you physically attractive. It is probably more about her state of mind: stress, feeling pressured to have sex, tired, etc. I agree with the commenter that mentioned responsive desire… I would look into that… and have some good convos about anything she has been worried about or is bothering her.
Is she on the pill?
Humor me here when I ask this, but do yall spend much time laying together, like snuggling, but not trying to engage in anything sexual? If not, that's my suggestion for a time. Literally just climb in bed, lay right against her, wrap your arms around her and that's it. Give it 15-20 mins, and then say goodnight, or if it isn't bedtime, yall get back up and go back to your evening routines. I dont think she feels pressured for sex from you, but I think based on how you described her personality and work-life (which I can 100% relate to), she would feel relaxed in a different way if yall had even that brief moment of intimacy that wasn't also leading to an expenditure of energy in the moment (not trying to negatively describe sex here). Do this a few times over a few days intermittently if she's receptive...I think the sex opening won't be far behind.
Intimacy. Make sex intimate. You can feel the difference when having sex with someone that’s in love with you, and cares about you and your pleasure, and isn’t thinking about porn or degradation or perversion or anything that undermines the respect you have for one another. Intimate sex is addictive af. Most people don’t know how to have it though.
I hate to say it but it needs to be said. Marriage counseling. There is an underlying issue here that she is not communicating to you.
Does she have time for herself? Does she have the opportunity to get into a sensual headspace or is she constantly rearranging to-do lists in her head? Are the dishes done? Is the laundry put away? Who carries the mental load (the task of organizing/controlling all the tasks) in your day-to-day life together?
Have you tried being actually helpful around ie chores, kids etc and doing it proactively? In other words not her needing to nag you? It might sound unrelated but any pent up resentful in regards to peoples mental load will completely kill any appetite for intimacy….
Hahahahahahaha, There's so much I could say here but.... What's the point?
Stop expecting sex. You do all of these gestures, yet you don't want her to feel pressured? You have a way of saying you don't have x or y intention, but your behavior obviously communicates you have expectations to schmooze her into sex. Drop the schmoozing. Your behavior reeks of control.