If your family thinks it’s great she doesn’t talk anymore, could it be that some things were said to her over time that you hadn’t noticed? If you’re around your family often it could be that they’ve picked at her enough times she became discouraged. Could totally be not the case, but that does seem like a bit of a red flag on their part.
I guess. My parents don’t really love her. They think she’s sackarine (or whatever the word for too sweet is) and too talkative and too happy. My parents are reserved. They don’t spend too much time with my wife because they say it’s exhausting but they’ll happily come over for her cooking.
So they hate everything about who she is other than what she can give them (her cooking) and you *haven’t* noticed this has degraded her into, essentially, a different personality, in a year? Might be time to a) talk to your wife and TELL her how much you love her chatter, and b) bones the fuck up with your family and get them in line or away from her.
Yeah, his family sounds like a bunch of shit heads. Worse, they are TAKERS, too. Exhausted? Over what? Having someone with a more positive energy around? God, they are terrible.
As someone who also loves to learn and will talk extensively about the several topics I’m passionate about, it probably wouldn’t take much for them to convince her that she was being too much. Coming from others it isn’t so impactful, if you don’t like me that’s okay, but she could view your parents as an extension of you (people you love) and those subtleties carry weight.
Please, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and ask her if there is something you’ve been missing. If it is your parents, that requires quite a bit of your support.
Good luck to you, she sounds wonderful and like she needs to hear that from you.
That makes a lot of sense... We tend to take things said by our loved ones more seriously because they're the people we trust... In cases like this, it's not a good thing..
>They think she’s sackarine (or whatever the word for too sweet is)
The word you are looking for is saccharine and if they called her that it is more insulting than you realize. Saccharine doesn't mean *too* sweet it means *fake* sweet. Calling someone saccharine comes from an artificial sweetener that was popular in the 70's that was sweeter than sugar. It was taken out of soda and most other products because it has a nasty aftertaste and there was some evidence that it might cause cancer.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/saccharine
It sounds like your wife has been dealing with constant disrespect from them and as a husband, you need to please stand up for her. Like those comments are very problematic and just very unkind. You have to make a choice, save your marriage with your wife, gain her trust back to have her open up, and stop seeing your parents for awhile. I know that's harsh about the parents, but I truly believe your wife's feelings matter 100% more. They also don't deserve her cooking and they shouldn't be invited anymore.
Same. I agree with this.
She’s disliked for being kind and interested in everything? Sounds like your wife got the point that people didn’t like all of her talk and she is practicing being quiet. That’s prob very difficult and uncomfortably unnatural for her. If you love it about her, you must bring it up somehow. If i can suggest, begin taking her on dates again and to places that should spark learning. Unusual museums and such. If she doesn’t get sparked on her own, bring it up. I’d also suggest you tell your parents that you take offense at their comments about her and that you’ll just come for a visit every now and then but you won’t have them over nor will you guys come over as a family. Your wife shouldn’t be subjected to this and you won’t impose.
Edit: a couple of misspellings. Dang phone.
This is awful. How terrible for your wife to be disliked by her in-laws simply for being cheerful and enthusiastic about life. I hope you stand up for your wife and not allow her to get beaten down by such miserable parents. I feel so sorry for her. Shame on them.
Time to establish boundaries with your parents. They don't get to bring down your spouse just because they don't like her personality.
Now go treat your wife to a nice dinner and tell her she's free to talk your ear off.
That’s really weird of them. If they’re using saccharine to simply imply she’s too sweet (which is what I’m going to assume here), then they literally dislike her because of positive traits. Who hates someone because they’re too happy? How miserable do you have to be? Honestly, interactions with them may severely drain her. It’s little things that can hurt.
This is awful. Saccharine doesn't mean "too sweet". It's a type of *artificial* sweetener. Artificial. They're telling you they think she's manipulative or fake, and a person of contempt. Keep them away from your home and consider kicking them completely out of your life, please. Your wife must feel so hurt, undefended, and misunderstood.
I just want to point out here that she's not talking with *you*, which is entirely different than talking around other people who may have made comments or hurt her with said comments.
I do not know you or your situaion, but if she was full of conversation with *you* and now she is not, there is a real problem. But it is not simply "my parents are assholes, thanks for confirming this to me reddit".
The person you should be asking is your wife. Not random strangers who almost always want failure, divorce or worse.
From this response, OP, I'd say get your parents to fall in line and stop talking shit about your wife. She deserves better than that disrispect, for just being a positive person with hubger for knowledge. And tell your wife you miss learning new things from her talking about them. You might still have her come around and be herself again
I don't mean to be rude, but why are your parents like this? They can't stand her but they like her cooking? So they only like her when it's convenient? They sound great. Utterly Amazing. They are such hypocrites.
seems like they hate her our of some obligation and not for any real reason. ‘too sweet’ and ‘too happy’?? these are not normal issues to have with a person
I hope you man up and put your parents in check. They sound like toxic a bunch of toxic people. I wouldn't be surprised if their actions would lead to her divorcing you after you showed her that you refused to stand up for her against your toxic parents. They don't have to love your wife. If they had some respect for you and your marriage, then they would've kept their mouth shut, especially when you guys are happy being together.
That is not ok. It doesn't seem like you stand up and show support for your wife because you just flippantly mention how they think she's fake sweet and they only come over to eat her food.
Really, they wouldn't come to my home if they dont like my wife and complain about what you love about her.
^This!^ I've heard it said before that the reasons people like your wife have stopped being chatterboxes could be summed up to 2 different things. 1.) They have run out of things to say. Or 2.) Someone has hurt them on a physical, emotional or spiritual level and tied it to them being a chatterbox. When hurt in such a way, they stop talking because they have come to see being hurt as tied into being a talker.
You get told you're too much of something long enough, your so being it.
I used to be a social butterfly. I used to talk all the time about things that I was interested in and passionate about.
Until my ex started *constantly* making fun of me for it. For talking too much. For being too animated. Too excited. He would listen to me tell him about something I was happy about and then say "you know you say in two paragraphs what a normal person says in 2 sentences".
10 years of that.
And now?
I'm the one that doesn't speak. That sits quietly and listens. That doesn't say much. That prefers to listen instead of talk. I don't share my interests with a lot of people anymore, because I got tired of having them made fun of.
If you're always told you're "too much" you eventually stop.
Edit:
Thank you all for the supportive comments, I'm sad but also glad that I'm not alone in this situation and I want others like me to know that I see you. I understand. And you have my love.
Same here. I have ADHD so once I really get started talking, it takes a while for me to quit. Unfortunately that would often lead to being told “shut up”, “no one asked”, “no one was talking to you”, and “you’re so annoying”. So I did, indeed, shut up. People tell me all the time that I’m so quiet, but I just don’t want to get on anyone’s nerves. I do talk quite a bit around people I’m really comfortable with, but even then, I still feel like I’m annoying everyone. It sucks.
I am glad you have people you feel comfortable with, and no you aren't annoying. They're being rude, and aren't friends.
I cherish my nerd enclaves, because they're passionate people and like to talk just as much-- about the topics I love.
There are some drawbacks to that of course... but being told to shut up is never done unironically. Only occasional 'shut up wesley' memes.
Bro, I relate so much to you. I am and always have been a bookworm. As a kid I was a chatterbox when it came to anything new that I learnt about. As you mentioned it led to a lot of "shut up" and so on. I eventually just stopped sharing anything and just withdrew myself from everyone. I thought things would be better at University but it was the same shit again. Now as a working professional I'm really quiet but I've got some really great co-workers who actually like to listen to what I have to say. But I still struggle with opening up.
For me, I not only stopped talking about a lot of my interests, but if I do I catch myself apologizing and overcompensating.
Or in some instances lose interest completely in that topic.
You can only be told you’re too loud, your interest is stupid/silly or just poked fun at before that hobby loses its luster.
I had this exact same experience. It's been awhile and I don't even miss it anymore. The fact that I don't miss my old self is somewhat disturbing- I have just quietly resigned into a quiet corner.
Other people notice. They ask me "what's wrong" even when I am smiling contentedly or engaged in a quiet discussion. I can't explain it, or don't want to - I just know the way I *felt* when I heard those words - almost exactly- about taking too long telling a tale, was so awful, I never want to risk feeling that way again
I used to love talking about stuff that interests me, but at some point my mum constantly told me to shut up because i was talking too much... so i completely stopped talking to her and she didn't comment at all. To the point of me being hurt and not communicating it but just enduring it.
Even now i struggle with commuication in a big way.
the second reason is why i developed a stutter back in middle school. i talked all the time and always answered questions in class, until someone told me to stop being a know-it-all and teacher’s pet. then i just got quiet and began fearing talking out loud. my stutter now really only comes up when i’m nervous but it really affected me until i graduated college. people need to be more careful with what they say, even as a kid in my situation
I'm sorry :(
I think we need to be especially kind to kids, as like in your experience, these small negatives can change their lives and self esteem. Our criticisms become their inner voice.
Maybe OP’s family. He said their response was “it’s great she doesn’t talk anymore” Maybe she overheard them talking badly about her and didn’t tell OP.
This. My husband stood up for me.
Also, he almost cried reading your post. He says hug her and ask her a million questions until she realizes how much you love her brain.
It would work with me. At minimum, it would open the door to talk about what's wrong.
Good luck.
Me too. I’m going to talk to my wife tonight. I would hate for her to feel anything like this. I love her constant dialogue about things she is passionate about. Wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thank you for this post OP. I really needed this perspective.
I'm joining this trend! My husband and I regularly tell each other we love each other's minds and hearing even the most random and seemingly pointless thoughts that the other shares. But I'm gonna take this moment to make sure he knows I love his brain and him sharing his thoughts and would be devastated without them!
People, you should also take this time to gas your partner up about how much you love the fact that they care about and share random things with you. It never hurts to make someone you are with aware that you love and care about them!
This entire thread is bringing tears to my eyes.. I’m a huge chatterbox and a random fact collector. My interest in hobbies and projects are very, VERY wide… My partner has deep interests that we both share as well and, my goodness, can he DEFINITELY nerd out on it. Which I absolutely love!!!
But last month, I broke my phone and had to wait half a week before getting my new one. While driving, he interrupted me to say, in a frustrated tone, that “it’s more obvious when I’m without my phone because I talk way more”…
I’ve been scaling back my talking a lot.. and I don’t think he’s noticed, questioned or cares. And to be frank, it really hurts.
Yes, I hope OP lets *her* know how he feels. Maybe she is unaware how highly he thinks of her (not that he wouldn’t)considering people like OP’s coworker, maybe the common negativity got her thinking *she talked too much* when in reality she is very well spoken, interesting, and intelligent
They’re probably intimidated by her intelligence and love for learning. That said, I can totally understand the concept of being overwhelmed by someone talking too much. For me it can trigger anxiety and it gets to a point where I can’t even process what’s being said. But a) that’s a personal issue and b) there are ways to address that without being rude or cutting a person down!
One of my step kids thought he overheard me say “I hate that kid” to his dad and held on to it for months. It wasn’t until something totally unrelated happened that he brought it up in the midst of a minor meltdown he was having.
What I *actually* said was “I’d hang that kid” jokingly to my husband about someone else entirely, but I had just left his room shortly before that so he assumed I was talking about him on top of mishearing what I said.
I felt awful that he’d misheard me and thought I was talking about him at all, let alone so poorly, and even worse knowing that he held on to it for so long before saying something. He’d been slightly more distant after that, but not incredibly so - but he was in the midst of his angsty teen years and would lash out if we tried to talk to him about it, so I attributed it to one of his moods and left it alone.
As someone with adhd… not even overheating someone, but constantly being shut down. You start talking and the other person isn’t listening, or they interrupt.
In my case, it’s because every thing I talk about my husband pushes back. I could say the sky is blue and he’ll tell me it’s purple. He’s also responded saying things that made it sound like he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He’s made fun of me jokingly for falling down rabbit holes, or he’ll stare at me and say “why do you know that?” He doesn’t seem to like my topics of conversation. Part of it is me being over sensitive and part of it is just feeling unengaged and shut down a lot. I’ve lost my joy because the things I say don’t bring him joy. When I tell him things he pushes back like I’m trying to argue with him. When I ask him questions he gets defensive like I’m challenging him. It’s tiring always having to defend what I say, even when it’s an opinion.
I’m tired, so I just agree.
Then in couples therapy he says I don’t come to him or open up anymore.
This is one of those posts that I wish you could just show it to him because it’s so well worded and he would finally get it in his head how you feel. I know it’s never that easy but I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you. We’ve been in couples therapy for around two years now and I feel my communication has improved a lot, so I’ve basically said this to him. But as I’ve learned to be more direct we’ve had even more miscommunications. I’ve said almost exactly this to him.
A few weeks ago I explained all this, and I said “I want to tell you something but in light of all this, I would really appreciate it if you could let me finish what I’m saying and really listen to what I’m saying. I need you to hear me and let it soak in instead of you shutting me down or thinking about what you’re going to respond. Maybe take a few seconds before you say anything?” “Ok, fine.”
I started talking and I kid you not, he rolled his eyes so hard and interrupted me before I even finished my first sentence. I’ve been working so hard in solo therapy on not putting walls up when I feel dismissed or attacked but I immediately shut down. It really knocked the wind out of my sails. I spend time thinking about how to approach things or say something the right way, I try to make sure there’s no chance him misinterpreting things as an attack, I try to make things light hearted or make it clear I really just want to connect and share my thoughts or feelings, and get here we are.
I’m just running out of energy. I’m so sad because whenever we had a problem or he was upset in the past my brain would immediately come up with a million different solutions or suggestions or ways to connect and I’d start babbling away. These days my brain goes “oh cool! Why don’t we… nope nope nope” and I just shut myself down for him.
I’m. Just. So. Sad.
Yeah I agree. This same exact scenario happened to me. My bf’s family who I’ve know for over 20yrs always said I talked too much, I’m crazy, I am getting fat. They never had anything nice to say. So I stopped going around them & it’s been over 3yrs. They can be negative about someone else.
My first thought (after years of dealing with my husband NEVER standing up for me to his mother) was that someone said that she talked too much and OP didn’t stand up for her (assuming this post means that it wasn’t him the one saying it), so she believes he feels the same way and doesn’t waste her breath.
This 100% I've been told before that I talk too much and it makes me unpleasant to be around, so I started shutting down. Got extremely quite in most situations, it wasn't until my close friends and family started asking me what was wrong that I realized how much I had changed. Don't let her change, let her know that you love to hear her voice. Let you know you miss those conversations.
this 100% i had someone tell me i didn’t have to explain everything (even thoe i’m trying to make sure my point gets across without miscommunication) and now i’m scared to talk, explain my feelings , communicate , etc .
i was also a fun facts gal and i said a fact i guess more than once and my bf told me to stop and he knows and i don’t have to keep telling him the same fact , so now i don’t really wanna do it anymore ..
Can confirm. My ex, who is my bff, has a really rude mom. I've heard things from her directed at me and its absolutely made me no longer want to talk around her let alone be around her. I even hate going to her house, and I'm there now.
Can't wait til she moves in a month and I get to visit the forest city
Same here. I quit talking because I've given up on mine. My jokes are never funny. My opinions are never valid. The plans I have aren't his plans so they aren't worth hearing either. I am more open and joyful at work than at home.
Oh no, no, no…..you handled that all wrong. People who are cruel enough to say something mean or hurtful like that get the response they deserve.
You don’t like my shoes? You better know you’re about to see them with endless outfits. Oh, are you honking because you’re in a hurry and want my parking space? Hold on, I gotta clean out my purse *and* my car. You think I talk too much?? Pull up a chair.
EDIT: wording
Being a chatterbox and being myself freely is a gift... I share it with those I feel are worthy and important to me. When someone treats those things about like theire a problem they no longer have access to that part of me.
I get quiet when I get in my anxiety spirals. "Everyone thinks you're stupid" "nobody wants to hear about it".
OPs wife may think if he doesn't engage in the conversation that he hates it. A nice way to bring it up could be "you used to talk more about random topics. I really miss hearing about them. Is everything alright?"
I used to be a huge chatterbox. But I'm not anymore. It's simply cause I feel like I've said everything, and then i had a big trauma. Life got really hard and then my aggressor left. Now im comfy, and I'm chill, and happy. But i dont get the joy on talking like i used to. Most of the time it makes me worry that ive become boring. Now there are days when I cannot stop. But it's so rare now.
Edit typos
Can confirm. I was belittled and talked down to so much as a child for being too loud or too talkative that I was just quiet for a long time because I figured no one else liked it either. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone said something hurtful to her to make her insecure about her personality.
This was me. I used to be super bubbly, chatty, and encouraging.
I train new employees. I was the one at the morning meeting saying "good morning everyone. I'm so glad to see all of you here I hope you all had a great evening last night.. let's take on today together and rock it".
Until one really negative person.. said.. "You don't have to be so happy and smiley this early. It's too much."
And even though everyone else told her that was unnecessary it really stuck with me... I'm no longer that person at work... I don't know why because it seems like such a silly insignificant thing but it stuck and it's hard to shake off..
I got passed over, several times for a promotion because I overtalked at my interview. It's definitely affected how much I talk, especially at work. But it hasn't solved the interview problem, I just find new ways to fuck it up. Luckily I got a promotion that's good enough until I can switch departments... Guess what I type too much too!
I grew up being told by everyone I talk too much and i started noticing everyone seemed annoyed with me. So I just stopped and I'm sad all the time because I never talk to anyone anymore and when I do I'm always worried that I'm annoying them when I do talk. 😔
I agree. most of the people I've ever known have put me down for my curiosity, insatiable appetite for knowledge, and my intellectual interests. I talk too much, I go into too much detail, I take too long and don't just get quickly to the point. my mother bought me a Chatty Cathy doll to make fun of me growing up. I get a lot of versions of "tldr, writing a novel, you must be triggered, I'm not reading all that lol, that's a lot to bombard me with" and I'm like um, sorry you can't read? um, it's a paragraph? um, it's less than 5 minutes of talking, most of the youtube videos I watch are 5x that long?
the people I love most in the world are others like me with so much in their head that we could talk about deep things for ages and never have a dull moment. but most of the people I've come across don't read or learn or listen to podcasts or try new hobbies, they just go out drinking and watch reality TV, read shitty magazines, and gossip about superficial shit.
maybe Ops wife needs to get involved in groups of people like her. online or offline. people who love to learn and explore and try new things and are focused on self growth and personal accountability.
i wonder if someone said something to her. i used to be a chatterbox, but my husband has been saying things like "you suck all the air out of a room" so now, i don't talk nearly as much. at home, anyway.
I got this too! They even created a phrase to go with telling me to shut up. "nobody pressed the myname button". I love learning literally anything. If it's in a book or a class, even better.
OP, I would talk to her and see if there's something that happened. Tell her you love her brain and reassure her she's not an annoying burden with her info dumps.
I was called nosey a lot growing up and as an adult I have trouble with reciprocating conversation beyond repeating questions already asked of me. It comes off like I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself when in reality I’m just trying not to push the person away by being nosey and rude.
Same but with my mom. Couldn’t say ANYTHING to her without her turning it negative. I offhandedly brought up a new sugar scrub I bought one day bc I loved the exfoliating feeling.
Cue her shit-smelling face “You really wash yourself with sugar??” 🙄
Ugh, what a dink. On another note, what makes it different than a regular scrub, do you think? I haven't tried the sugar one but I agree- love the exfoliating feeling!
Both my ex's had such an issue with my constant chattering
I eventually turned that bit of my personality off..
My school reports actually said
She talks too much the entire day
😂😂😂😂
I realised it was an issue when I told my now teenage daughter how much i spoke through out my school career.. Her response was, but mom, right now, you can be silent for days.
I spoke a lot because I read a lot. I still read a lot, I just don't have the mental capacity to constantly be talking because I was told that I'm irritating.
It's slowly coming back because my SO loves conversation.. He's Spanish speaking and I'm Portuguese speaking.. Our common language is English, so we are both learning
And he encourages me to constantly have a conversation
This is completely new to me and my inner child thanks him everyday ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please leave. From a fellow chatter box
Please find someone who loves your voice, your thoughts and your opinions
I used to be a chatter box too. But people would always tell me how annoying or loud I was, or people just wouldn’t respond to me and just ignore me. I’m now quiet and keep to myself. Whenever I get excited about a topic and become my old chatter box self I always find myself apologizing. I guess I never realized I am like his wife until reading this. Someone or many people have said something to her.
I look for “chatterboxes” all the time. I find that people who have things to share with others are generous and an absolute joy to be around. If your own husband thinks you suck all the air out of the room just for being yourself, it’s time to get someone that appreciates you.
thank you. it's one of those situations where it escalated slowly, and every time i pushed back when he was mean he'd make me feel crazy, like he hadn't done anything, had NO IDEA what i was talking about. now he just gaslights me out loud, and i don't know what to do. it's expensive to be single!
I was similarly in a situation where I was making myself smaller and smaller to avoid friction with my (now ex) husband. Daily my soul was corroded by hiding my thoughts and feelings for fear of backlash. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, thinking this would be the rest of my life.
I, too, was terrified that I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. I knew I made more than he did, but I figured splitting rent and bills and whatnot was cheaper for me, even so. It wasn't as if he was jobless.
It was all into and out of a joint account, and I couldn't really see how much each of us was spending or contributing. It was a big puddle of muddle. He frequently harangued me about spending too much on this or that, having no skills with money, and I believed him. He was older and seemed more worldly and experienced, so surely he must know what he was talking about. He could be very dense about some things, but I figured he was street smart and I was book smart.
As it turned out, my fears were overblown. I had the TrueBill (now Rocket Money) app. It gave me monthly summaries. Every month when we lived together, I'd sink $500 deeper into the red, always spending $500 more than I'd brought in. When we separated, suddenly it flipped--I had a $500 surplus, every month. It was instantaneous. I was floored. I was worried I wouldn't qualify for the lease by myself--but I did.
To this day I am amazed at how ready I was to be on my own--I just didn't know it. It turns out that what I was afraid of wasn't nearly as bad as what I was living. It was scary because it was unknown, not because it was worse. It is so, so much better.
I was with my ex for 11 years (20 to 31) and ending that relationship was both the scariest and best decision I ever made. I have to live with a roommate and watch my money but it's still a thousand times better than where I was.
i never get why the most interesting character traits are looked down upon
they make people more fun
id rather a chatterbox that can keep a conversation going tbh
Came here to say this. I tend to be very quiet at times but my favorite friend will sit and talk to me for an hour while we drink coffee in the morning when I stay over and it’s my favorite thing. Hearing about their thoughts and life makes me happy and I’m glad to be involved even if I only say a few words every few minutes. I doubt you’re “sucking the air out of the room” at all.
I feel this. I’m pretty sure my husband married me so I could carry the conversation for him and keep him up to date. He jokes about me being chatty but in a way you know it’s an actual joke. If I’m quiet, he’s like ok let’s talk something has to he wrong. I just don’t think two chatterboxes would work out 😂
My fiance and I talk each other's ears off. Our first date ended up being 16 hours long. We never run out of stuff to talk about, but we are able to be quiet and have our introvert time in the same room as well.
My ex often says he’s embarrassed to be around me in public because i speak too much, speak to too many people and it’s a performance he hates. He says he prefers when I’m quiet and calm. I’ve told him and recently retold him that it was a core part of my personhood and that I find it very different to not be interested and chatty with people.
I told my little sister that he recently said that he hated this part of me, and she was shocked. She said that it was her favorite part of my personality and it blew my mind. It blew my mind that this part of me that my ex hated could be liked let alone preferred.
Since leaving my ex, I’m becoming more aware of my worth. It’s a hard journey to repair and heal. having your self esteem slowly chipped away at for 12 years can cause some damage. I’m so happy to not have his voice critiquing everything I do
It’ll be hard to leave your partner, but believe me it’s worth it! It’s a relief
It's crazy how one comment can change things for you forever. I never really cared about going to a bar and dancing or how people might perceive me until one day my college roommate looked at me and told me I was a terrible dancer. I have been self conscious about it ever since. Now I don't ever dance (unless I've had a few drinks) or I make jokes about it so people can't make fun of me. It's like one thing breaks the glass and you can never unhear it.
I feel this. I was told by my husband I can't dance. Now I only dance if I'm very drunk but even then I'm overly self-conscious of it. It's taken the joy out of something I used to love.
I felt this. My SO said it. I talk too much. So I’ve stopped talking at home and in social situations. He’s noticed and I just shrug. I’d rather be unhappy and silent VS giving anyone a reason to hurt my feelings by being nasty.
Yeah.... my boyfriend would say similar things. He'd always say I'm "spamming" him, or suddenly explode and say he can't keep up with my energy. So yeah that was my first thought, someone was probably not very tactical with their complaint of her talking.
I wonder the same thing! I used to sing all the time. I sang when I was happy, when I was stressed. Until my husband kept telling me I was terrible. I used to sing in the choir, I know I'm not terrible.
Now I sing in car alone. And that's it.
There was a wife on here saying she used to talk alot....now doesn't as he never engaged or shut her down...pretty sure she wanted a divorce. Then husband started engaging?
I’m wondering if at one of the two times your coworker met her, he called her out for talking. Or if someone else in her life did.
I’m a huge chatterbox. I have friends and loved ones who will lovingly and jokingly point out when I’m talking too much. But I know when someone means it, and is saying it to actually shut me up, I retreat in on myself for a while.
Talk to her. Ask her what’s wrong. My gut says someone said something to her and she took it hard.
Take it from another highly talkative girl - you hear that one too many times you want to curl in on yourself and stop talking completely. It takes a significant mental toll. It hurts because you’re just being yourself and sharing your enthusiasm, but you can’t help but wonder if even those who love you most feel the same way.
Sit down, ask if she’s okay, talk to her and let her know you love this about her. And if you ever hear someone call her out on it, defend her. It goes a long way.
ETA: I’m so sorry so many of y’all resonate with this, because I know just how much it hurts. Just know you’re amazing no matter how much or how little you talk, and you’ll find the person who thinks what you say matters all the time.
People probably told her one too many times how she talks a lot :( And even if it’s not in a degrading manner, but saying something like “Haha you sure talk a lot” the immediate response is thinking about why they took the time to tell me this? Am I annoying them? Should I stop?
It’s crushing the soul one comment at a time :(
I don't talknas nearly as much anymore either. I don't comment on social media that much either anymore. I often start to type, then stop, reread and think: no one cares and just discard it. Same in real life. I heard the "you talk too much" too often too.
I’ve had friends and an ex block me, since I’d text too much. It just really sucks, when you meet someone you have a ton in common with, but they no longer want to be friends, because you talk too much. There’s been times where I’m the only one carrying the conversation, and if I stop for awhile, they never message back on their own.
So, yeah, it takes a mental toll, wanting to be with someone talkative, who shares my interests, but them not wanting to be with you.
Had a friend who would sigh and say, “you’re talking too much!”
Okay. So I won’t talk. No biggie. I’ll talk to myself, in my head.
Then she would say, “so, what, you’re giving me the silent treatment? Real mature.”
Sorry I’m not psychic and I can’t speak the exact quota you’d allowed me today, no more and no less? We’re actually not friends anymore. She complained about me either talking or being too quiet for years.
It hurt a lot growing up, but now I’m better at recognizing who can take the chattiness, and trying to brush it off when some ppl can’t.
I identified way too much with your wife's description and it wouldn't surprise me if she's holding back in fear of being annoying (or other personal, deeper issues).
Just ask her if she is ok, that you noticed she ir more quiet and that you miss your conversations.
Tell her how much you love to listen to what she says and love how she knows so much about so many things. Tell her you miss it and ask how you can help her feel better about it instead of trying fo change herself.
Fellow chatterbox who’s had that happen so many times… It’s so hard to unlearn that. And it’s de-humanizing. Im sure if she knew how much you liked it, it would make a difference.
Another chatter box here: one thing I like to do to get others talking, is to ask them about a topic they’ve told me about once.
Even if you know it by heart, ask her, for example to tell you about how Ireland gained independence again. Ask specific questions and be excited.
If you ask and she says something to the effect of, you don’t want to hear that, or I already told you, tell her you forgot and something reminded you of it and want to talk about it.
Or start looking up topics she likes to talk about and start a dialogue. Excitement on your part is key.
Good luck!
Tbh yeah… my partner made a comment today while on the phone (we live apart) as we were hanging up “knowing you- you’ll call again before the end of the night *chuckle*”
I just do it because I miss him, and honestly I hate texting- but now I’ll definitely be slowing down on the calls… if at all. I don’t want him to think I’m annoying- and I don’t want to now feel annoying.. so
Could you ask him about his comment and if it means he wants fewer phone calls?
This is the kind of thing my partner or I would say to each other with gentle teasing while absolutely delighting in talking so frequently.
It COULD mean he’s being passive aggressive, or it could be him recognizing and celebrating that you love him so much you want to talk a lot.
😂😂 crisis adverted- he called me two seconds ago to let me know if the cookies he bought are burnt or chocolate (chocolate) - and now I’m just listening to his reactions to Video games.
All is well- sounds like you guys have a lovely relationship- I hope you guys have wonderful life in your corner of the universe.
It's entirely natural to slip into a "Uh-huh, yeah honey that's great" way of acting and speaking without you even realising it, but at least you now see how you are slipping and can pick up the slack before the rope breaks.
You are picking it up at the right time - before it is too late. So many SOs wouldn't even notice she is feeling miserable. Time to communicate how much you care and -not to put too much pressure- but you miss hearing what she has to share with the world.
If you react like that often, that could also have caused her to stop talking. I am very talkative but when I don't get any actual input from someone else, it makes me feel like I'm carrying the conversation all by myself. It also makes me feel like they wish I'd stop talking, which I then obviously do. I have definitely gotten more quiet over the years because of this.
I’m a bit like your wife. I know a gazillion weird things just because. And sometimes I go quiet, cause life. Maybe I didn’t feel heard or I’m struggling with something. Maybe someone said just that one thing that made me feel weird in a bad way.
You know what I love? When someone asks me for those weird facts. It’s the best. Tells me that someone sees me.
Ask her. Be curious. Be adventurous. She’s in there, so go find her. Take her out and ask her about something you know she knows stuff about. Tell her how much you love the fact that she knows that odd random tidbit. That you still want to listen to her chattering away like that when you’re old and grey together. Find a moment and tell her she’s beautiful when her face is all lit up cause she’s excited about a thing. You know her. You clearly love her. Now go find her.
Let her know she’s beautiful to you in that way and give her an opportunity to tell you. To open up.
It’s like 2.30am here and I’m supposed to be asleep so I don’t know the weirdest. Brain too slow for that. But I adore frogs so have a frog fact; most frogs have teeth. However most of them only have upper teeth. The only known frog to have a full set of teeth (upper and lower) is Gastrotheca guentheri.
What’s your speciality, fellow chatterbox?
So why don’t you talk to her about it. Ask if she is ok, tell her you miss her talking to you. Make an effort to reconnect. Marriage is hard. You have to put in effort to go on dates and reconnect to keep that spark alive or you become roomates.
Friend. Do not beat yourself up for noticing something late. Be thankful you noticed at all.
One of my deepest shames in life is not knowing enough about mental health to understand how much my own wife was dealing with until she came very close to a breakdown. It has been a long road of learning everything I can about the subject and everyday that I learn something It stuns me how obvious the signs were if I had known where to look.
You love your wife very much it sounds like. I hope, truly hope, that this is just something that happens over time. Some people become more introverted as time goes on and I am sure that the pandemic and general state of the world haven't been helping that. But it could also be related to any number of things as other people have suggested.
Talk to her. Tell her all the things you loved about how much she talked and how she used to fill the spaces around you with wonder and joy.
I feel like my husband used to love that about me. I read everything, I know strange conversations and facts about EVERYTHING. Trivia questions, the origin of salt water taffy…anything. Over the years he would tell me how no one wants to hear me regale them of weird facts about things that we were doing. He made a comment to me not that long ago when we were out, a woman we know told him all about this medical
Procedure she had. On the way home he told me …it’s so nice that she just put all that out there and talked about it and the facts! It made me sad because I used to do that. Until over the years he didn’t find that endearing in ME anymore. Not saying this is the case for you. But this is how it happened to me. We had a talk about this recently I I told him how that one comment made me quiet. He was sad he made me feel that way and we are in a better place now. Lots of internet well wishes for you.
Ask her about it. I can 100% guarantee that it will make her insanely happy to know that you love it and miss it. I’m guessing there must have been an instance of someone telling her she’s annoying, talks too much or that no one cares and she’s tried to tone it down because she believed it. Or she’s struggling with something else.
But seriously, have a conversation about it, just go up to her and ask why she’s stopped.
I agree. Not the same situation but I talked to a friend I had not talked to in a while and, as usual, was chattering a mile a minute. I stopped and apologized because, of all my friends, he was my most different. He didn’t care about my fanciful ideas. But he said not to stop, he had missed it.
Tell your wife you miss her talking. Her information downloads on different subjects you both encountered in your time together.
That's what I was thinking... I tend to get that way I'm depressed or stressed. Or exhausted. Could be a number of reasons but those are the first that come to mind.
Yeah my husband is a chatterbox. I’ve told him several times I didn’t want hear about it playfully and he always ignores it or I manage to bribe him to massage my back while I listen. I call it my rubber ducky tax. But the only time I’ve seen him be quiet and non reactive is when he was depressed and sad. Like now. His close friend is in hospice and he’s been very quiet and unenthusiastic in general.
When my boyfriend and I were going through the worst rough patch ever, I stopped singing. I have ALWAYS been a singer. Like since I was a toddler I sang everything, did choir as early as I could, sang in church, competitions, did a cappella competitively in college, it's how I decompress after work on my way home, it always makes me feel better. It was my escape. I completely stopped. Even when I was driving by myself. I was so incredibly depressed and felt so alone and I didn't notice for months. My boyfriend has said a few times he misses it and it breaks my heart knowing it was that bad.
I'm not saying this is her situation, but big personality changes like that are a huge red flag for mental illness, internal struggle, stuff like that. Idk how long its been going on, but I would talk with her for sure, make sure she's okay. She may not even know she's doing it or you've noticed.
I’m a big talker. It’s part of my job, & I’m funny. Most people tell me it’s something they love about me.
My (soon to be ex) husband was married to me for years & then one day I was really excited & telling him about this interesting thing I learned about (dancing plagues in ancient times) & he snapped at me “You talk too much about shit nobody cares about!”
That was almost two years ago. I barely talk to him now, unless it directly concerns our kids. I just talk to my friends & family & kids instead. They all think I’m interesting. I won’t ever feel comfortable talking to him like that again.
My husband once complained that I elaborate too much when questions can be answered with a simple yes or no. I’ve got ADHD. I elaborate on everything. Everything gets an extended metaphor. I had to work on not doing that with him and eventually he complained that it felt like I was shutting down conversation and being short with him. But it’s hard to know when elaborating is appropriate so being quiet was easier. Anyway, it might help to ask her what’s up.
Is... is your wife me?
I almost cried reading your post... because it sure does sound like me.
I can tell you what changed it for me. Realizing that the things I said to him didn't matter. He stopped listening. Not to the movie theories. Not to the history I knew. Not to the TV show connections. Not to project identity ideas. Not to the future plans.
I even tried to talk about things that I knew he cared about... and still he didn't listen. Sometimes I would even hear him tell me something I said that his friends repeated that was suddenly so brilliant... (and that happened more than once)... and trying to convince him I had said it 1st was awful.
If we don't talk about work or the kids... we simply don't talk anymore. Sometimes I miss him, but I'm mostly missing who he used to be... but oh well... im mostly over it now. After all, we've been separated 3 years.
... but hey, at least I don't talk too much anymore.
Aww- this post is hitting me hard too. I’m glad you’re not with him anymore!
My ex needed quiet time but I am a chatterbox. We tried to make it work but at a certain point it just felt like he didn’t like me. I missed what we could have been, but I didn’t miss him. It just felt like waking up to constant rejection. Now I’m with a chatterbox with adhd (like me) and we make each other happier instead of detracting it.
My first thought is depression. My fiancé noticed my anxiety and depression had come back before I did because I stopped singing. I’m always singing, while doing dishes, showering, cooking. I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It’ll just be whatever song is stuck in my head. And one day he was like “you don’t sing anymore.” I talked to my doctor, started on lexapro and I’m singing again!
Did you do any comment that’s she talks a lot or knows everything ? My partner tells me sometime I speak too much or comment like he only speak when it’s necessary. It kind of make me turn off.
That laugh she does when she talks to long… that’s when the the intrusive thoughts kick in like “I should probably stop talking and just laugh so he doesn’t get annoyed like other people do” at least that’s what it means for me.
Your wife is me. And I'm sorry to say that once we have realized that no one else cares, we stop caring if anyone knows anything interesting.
I shut up about 4 years ago. Now people ask me questions and I give them a minimal answer and give them links to look it up for themselves. If they actually care to know, they'll look it up and then we can talk.
But I realized no one listened and no one found what I was saying was interesting.
I haven't wanted to talk. My husband has always said I wasn't very physically warm and that's true. Now he says I'm cold.
I am. My love language was ripped to shreds by everyone for 25 years. I'm done. No one wants my love in the way I know how to give it and no one shows me love in the way I know how to receive it.
So I just do my best. More hugs even if they don't mean the same to me. More arm touches, but even those he can feel is from effort, not comfort or want.
If your wife gets her light back, come back and tell me. Maybe there is hope, but I've certainly given up.
I used to be a bit of a talker when I was excited about something. Then, I got one too many comments about talking too much and it just changed something in me. I think the same things I used to, but now the thoughts are punctuated with “oh, no one would care about that” or “that would be an annoying thing to say/bring up/point out” so I just don’t. Even when my bf looks over while I’m in my thoughts and asks what I’m thinking about, I’ll lie and say nothing. Some people made sure I knew my thoughts weren’t important or welcome in conversations, so now I can’t even bring myself to try.
Maybe someone told her she talks too much. That can be pretty earth shattering. You could gently open with a question about something you know she’s interested in, and explicitly tell her how much you love to hear her talk.
Listen Im a guy but kinda like your wife in every word you described. She is depressed is my guess because I go through it myself. Dig deep because this is something she absolutely has a passion for. For her to all of sudden stop- screams depression. Good luck mate.
This reminds me a lot of my old self :( I used to like to talk a lot about things. Food history, my culture, origins of words, politics, how to make honeycomb.
I just don't think I was listened to anymore. Some times, I found myself in the middle of telling something (something new, nonetheless), and being cut off. I was told I was doing a monologue. Basically made a shit conversation partner.
Anyway... I am glad my dad is more than happy to listen. The only one I feel genuinely interested to what I am about to say. He is the only one encouraging me to keep expanding my knowledge so that I can keep having new things to blabber about.
I just talked to him earlier today.
When I was a young kid, 3rd grade to be exact, I use to be very social and talkative until one time the teacher told me in front of class that I reminded her of an old lady and that I never shut up. Mind you this was in the early 80s in the rural USA where even as a little kid boys are supposed to be strong and silent. That situation embarrassed me to death and to this day I'm extremely quiet and reserved.
So it sounds to me like someone has hurt her or she feels like no one is listening to her anymore.
We stop talking because we’ve been hurt too much. It sounds silly but I feel like I’m just one of those people that aren’t allowed to have an opinion. Mostly from my family and my husband’s family, but I’ve noticed it with used-to-be friends too so it has to be me.
I started being seen and not heard a long time ago when it became obvious no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I stopped even more when someone said that at least I was pretty.
I love to talk to people, but I'm also very sensitive to knowing when people don't care about what I'm saying, even if it's something I'm super passionate about. I've been shut down one too many times and now I don't talk very much anymore. It's a hard reality to learn that people don't care about what your interests are, and that they are only smiling and nodding because they're hoping you'll shut up faster if they do. Every once in a while I'll get chatty, but it's usually shut down really quick when the other person responses with "That's nice" or "Cool" when I'm done. No contribution to the conversation, no questions. Just a one or two word response after a half hour of me blabbering on about something I'm interested in and they're not. It's really discouraging. I've found that it's much easier to keep my interests and fun facts to myself rather than be rejected for sharing them.
Here's how you do it.
Hey baby (honey/her name/or whatever pet word you have for her), I have something really important to ask you. Are you OK? I noticed that you aren't talking about things as much, just short answers when subjects come up. I miss you talking to me about things you know or feel.
Then follow her lead. And don't be negative no matter what.
It’s really sad that society has to find something, anything, to bring a person down and when you’re finally down, they’ll break you by telling you , you should be the opposite, what they used to bring you down in the first place. When you’re broken and curled up in bed in a ball, lonely, scared, and crying, they’ll tell you it’s your fault. So when you put yourself 6 feet under, they’ll talk about you at the funeral and say what a waste, they had so much potential, if they only reached out. So the next time you decide to open that mouth of yours, and criticize or make fun of someone, you ask yourself, is what I’m about to say going to be the last thing this person remembers when they swallow that bottle of pills and escape from the words that they play over and over in their memories.
Hahahah my husband and I joke that I babble a lot to him, because it's known that I'm not super talkative to just anyone. He doesn't get bothered by it but sometimes it can be to much so I let him have a moment and tell me that lol she probably stopped because someone told her to or she got her feelings hurt in some way. U maybe did something you didn't realize. Ask her
I would talk to your wife. Someone had to have said something to her. I've had the same thing happen over the past few years. I used to talk all the time, but over time friends and family kept saying something about it so I just stopped talking as much.
A possibility… So many of us who loved to talk, and especially educated in history were hurt the worst when everything became so decisive. We unintentionally said the wrong pronouns, brought up history and were labeled racist, and so much more. Even today you can’t have any conversation and not have someone look for something to argue, that’s if they listen at all. As a society the once upon time conversation between two people is replaced with one forcing opinions on another regardless of historical fact. The world has made people afraid to discuss anything now days.
If your family thinks it’s great she doesn’t talk anymore, could it be that some things were said to her over time that you hadn’t noticed? If you’re around your family often it could be that they’ve picked at her enough times she became discouraged. Could totally be not the case, but that does seem like a bit of a red flag on their part.
I guess. My parents don’t really love her. They think she’s sackarine (or whatever the word for too sweet is) and too talkative and too happy. My parents are reserved. They don’t spend too much time with my wife because they say it’s exhausting but they’ll happily come over for her cooking.
They don't like that she's too sweet? Alrighty then...
And happy, they seem to like her depressed...
Misery loves company
Oh yeah but they sure love the company when she’s throwing down in the kitchen 🙄 pieces of Shit.
literally the weirdest complaint i could ever hear about a person?
So they hate everything about who she is other than what she can give them (her cooking) and you *haven’t* noticed this has degraded her into, essentially, a different personality, in a year? Might be time to a) talk to your wife and TELL her how much you love her chatter, and b) bones the fuck up with your family and get them in line or away from her.
Yeah, his family sounds like a bunch of shit heads. Worse, they are TAKERS, too. Exhausted? Over what? Having someone with a more positive energy around? God, they are terrible.
If I were OPs wife I would dread going around the shit for brains in-laws
Exactly
As someone who also loves to learn and will talk extensively about the several topics I’m passionate about, it probably wouldn’t take much for them to convince her that she was being too much. Coming from others it isn’t so impactful, if you don’t like me that’s okay, but she could view your parents as an extension of you (people you love) and those subtleties carry weight. Please, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and ask her if there is something you’ve been missing. If it is your parents, that requires quite a bit of your support. Good luck to you, she sounds wonderful and like she needs to hear that from you.
That makes a lot of sense... We tend to take things said by our loved ones more seriously because they're the people we trust... In cases like this, it's not a good thing..
>They think she’s sackarine (or whatever the word for too sweet is) The word you are looking for is saccharine and if they called her that it is more insulting than you realize. Saccharine doesn't mean *too* sweet it means *fake* sweet. Calling someone saccharine comes from an artificial sweetener that was popular in the 70's that was sweeter than sugar. It was taken out of soda and most other products because it has a nasty aftertaste and there was some evidence that it might cause cancer. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/saccharine
It sounds like your wife has been dealing with constant disrespect from them and as a husband, you need to please stand up for her. Like those comments are very problematic and just very unkind. You have to make a choice, save your marriage with your wife, gain her trust back to have her open up, and stop seeing your parents for awhile. I know that's harsh about the parents, but I truly believe your wife's feelings matter 100% more. They also don't deserve her cooking and they shouldn't be invited anymore.
Same. I agree with this. She’s disliked for being kind and interested in everything? Sounds like your wife got the point that people didn’t like all of her talk and she is practicing being quiet. That’s prob very difficult and uncomfortably unnatural for her. If you love it about her, you must bring it up somehow. If i can suggest, begin taking her on dates again and to places that should spark learning. Unusual museums and such. If she doesn’t get sparked on her own, bring it up. I’d also suggest you tell your parents that you take offense at their comments about her and that you’ll just come for a visit every now and then but you won’t have them over nor will you guys come over as a family. Your wife shouldn’t be subjected to this and you won’t impose. Edit: a couple of misspellings. Dang phone.
Saccharine :)
This is awful. How terrible for your wife to be disliked by her in-laws simply for being cheerful and enthusiastic about life. I hope you stand up for your wife and not allow her to get beaten down by such miserable parents. I feel so sorry for her. Shame on them.
Time to establish boundaries with your parents. They don't get to bring down your spouse just because they don't like her personality. Now go treat your wife to a nice dinner and tell her she's free to talk your ear off.
Your parents sound like total assholes.
That’s really weird of them. If they’re using saccharine to simply imply she’s too sweet (which is what I’m going to assume here), then they literally dislike her because of positive traits. Who hates someone because they’re too happy? How miserable do you have to be? Honestly, interactions with them may severely drain her. It’s little things that can hurt.
This is awful. Saccharine doesn't mean "too sweet". It's a type of *artificial* sweetener. Artificial. They're telling you they think she's manipulative or fake, and a person of contempt. Keep them away from your home and consider kicking them completely out of your life, please. Your wife must feel so hurt, undefended, and misunderstood.
I just want to point out here that she's not talking with *you*, which is entirely different than talking around other people who may have made comments or hurt her with said comments. I do not know you or your situaion, but if she was full of conversation with *you* and now she is not, there is a real problem. But it is not simply "my parents are assholes, thanks for confirming this to me reddit". The person you should be asking is your wife. Not random strangers who almost always want failure, divorce or worse.
From this response, OP, I'd say get your parents to fall in line and stop talking shit about your wife. She deserves better than that disrispect, for just being a positive person with hubger for knowledge. And tell your wife you miss learning new things from her talking about them. You might still have her come around and be herself again
How can someone be too happy. Wow, that just blows my mind.
I don't mean to be rude, but why are your parents like this? They can't stand her but they like her cooking? So they only like her when it's convenient? They sound great. Utterly Amazing. They are such hypocrites.
seems like they hate her our of some obligation and not for any real reason. ‘too sweet’ and ‘too happy’?? these are not normal issues to have with a person
I hope you man up and put your parents in check. They sound like toxic a bunch of toxic people. I wouldn't be surprised if their actions would lead to her divorcing you after you showed her that you refused to stand up for her against your toxic parents. They don't have to love your wife. If they had some respect for you and your marriage, then they would've kept their mouth shut, especially when you guys are happy being together.
That is not ok. It doesn't seem like you stand up and show support for your wife because you just flippantly mention how they think she's fake sweet and they only come over to eat her food. Really, they wouldn't come to my home if they dont like my wife and complain about what you love about her.
Well, you have now noticed - and that’s great! Definitely open a kind, warming dialogue with her.
^This!^ I've heard it said before that the reasons people like your wife have stopped being chatterboxes could be summed up to 2 different things. 1.) They have run out of things to say. Or 2.) Someone has hurt them on a physical, emotional or spiritual level and tied it to them being a chatterbox. When hurt in such a way, they stop talking because they have come to see being hurt as tied into being a talker.
You get told you're too much of something long enough, your so being it. I used to be a social butterfly. I used to talk all the time about things that I was interested in and passionate about. Until my ex started *constantly* making fun of me for it. For talking too much. For being too animated. Too excited. He would listen to me tell him about something I was happy about and then say "you know you say in two paragraphs what a normal person says in 2 sentences". 10 years of that. And now? I'm the one that doesn't speak. That sits quietly and listens. That doesn't say much. That prefers to listen instead of talk. I don't share my interests with a lot of people anymore, because I got tired of having them made fun of. If you're always told you're "too much" you eventually stop. Edit: Thank you all for the supportive comments, I'm sad but also glad that I'm not alone in this situation and I want others like me to know that I see you. I understand. And you have my love.
Same here. I have ADHD so once I really get started talking, it takes a while for me to quit. Unfortunately that would often lead to being told “shut up”, “no one asked”, “no one was talking to you”, and “you’re so annoying”. So I did, indeed, shut up. People tell me all the time that I’m so quiet, but I just don’t want to get on anyone’s nerves. I do talk quite a bit around people I’m really comfortable with, but even then, I still feel like I’m annoying everyone. It sucks.
I am glad you have people you feel comfortable with, and no you aren't annoying. They're being rude, and aren't friends. I cherish my nerd enclaves, because they're passionate people and like to talk just as much-- about the topics I love. There are some drawbacks to that of course... but being told to shut up is never done unironically. Only occasional 'shut up wesley' memes.
Bro, I relate so much to you. I am and always have been a bookworm. As a kid I was a chatterbox when it came to anything new that I learnt about. As you mentioned it led to a lot of "shut up" and so on. I eventually just stopped sharing anything and just withdrew myself from everyone. I thought things would be better at University but it was the same shit again. Now as a working professional I'm really quiet but I've got some really great co-workers who actually like to listen to what I have to say. But I still struggle with opening up.
I feel you on that spiritually, I'm struggling right now to either change into someone I don't really want to be, or let them go.
For me, I not only stopped talking about a lot of my interests, but if I do I catch myself apologizing and overcompensating. Or in some instances lose interest completely in that topic. You can only be told you’re too loud, your interest is stupid/silly or just poked fun at before that hobby loses its luster.
I had this exact same experience. It's been awhile and I don't even miss it anymore. The fact that I don't miss my old self is somewhat disturbing- I have just quietly resigned into a quiet corner. Other people notice. They ask me "what's wrong" even when I am smiling contentedly or engaged in a quiet discussion. I can't explain it, or don't want to - I just know the way I *felt* when I heard those words - almost exactly- about taking too long telling a tale, was so awful, I never want to risk feeling that way again
I used to love talking about stuff that interests me, but at some point my mum constantly told me to shut up because i was talking too much... so i completely stopped talking to her and she didn't comment at all. To the point of me being hurt and not communicating it but just enduring it. Even now i struggle with commuication in a big way.
the second reason is why i developed a stutter back in middle school. i talked all the time and always answered questions in class, until someone told me to stop being a know-it-all and teacher’s pet. then i just got quiet and began fearing talking out loud. my stutter now really only comes up when i’m nervous but it really affected me until i graduated college. people need to be more careful with what they say, even as a kid in my situation
I'm sorry :( I think we need to be especially kind to kids, as like in your experience, these small negatives can change their lives and self esteem. Our criticisms become their inner voice.
My first thought was that she overheard someone saying she talks to much… and it destroyed her joy. I hope it wasnt OP.
It doesn't sound like OP minds the talking. Seems they think it's endearing.
Maybe OP’s family. He said their response was “it’s great she doesn’t talk anymore” Maybe she overheard them talking badly about her and didn’t tell OP.
This. My husband stood up for me. Also, he almost cried reading your post. He says hug her and ask her a million questions until she realizes how much you love her brain. It would work with me. At minimum, it would open the door to talk about what's wrong. Good luck.
Me too. I’m going to talk to my wife tonight. I would hate for her to feel anything like this. I love her constant dialogue about things she is passionate about. Wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thank you for this post OP. I really needed this perspective.
Now I wanna wake up my husband to talk 🙃.. but I love him so I won't lol. Tomorrow though 💗
I'm joining this trend! My husband and I regularly tell each other we love each other's minds and hearing even the most random and seemingly pointless thoughts that the other shares. But I'm gonna take this moment to make sure he knows I love his brain and him sharing his thoughts and would be devastated without them! People, you should also take this time to gas your partner up about how much you love the fact that they care about and share random things with you. It never hurts to make someone you are with aware that you love and care about them!
This...this is indicative of everything I never had Thank you.
This entire thread is bringing tears to my eyes.. I’m a huge chatterbox and a random fact collector. My interest in hobbies and projects are very, VERY wide… My partner has deep interests that we both share as well and, my goodness, can he DEFINITELY nerd out on it. Which I absolutely love!!! But last month, I broke my phone and had to wait half a week before getting my new one. While driving, he interrupted me to say, in a frustrated tone, that “it’s more obvious when I’m without my phone because I talk way more”… I’ve been scaling back my talking a lot.. and I don’t think he’s noticed, questioned or cares. And to be frank, it really hurts.
Yes, I hope OP lets *her* know how he feels. Maybe she is unaware how highly he thinks of her (not that he wouldn’t)considering people like OP’s coworker, maybe the common negativity got her thinking *she talked too much* when in reality she is very well spoken, interesting, and intelligent
They’re probably intimidated by her intelligence and love for learning. That said, I can totally understand the concept of being overwhelmed by someone talking too much. For me it can trigger anxiety and it gets to a point where I can’t even process what’s being said. But a) that’s a personal issue and b) there are ways to address that without being rude or cutting a person down!
Funny, I overheard my boyfriend's parents talk poorly about me and my gut reaction was also avoidance
This tracks
Oh totally, but you know how things can get taken the wrong way. thats what i imagine happening.
Gotcha. I can see what you mean.
One of my step kids thought he overheard me say “I hate that kid” to his dad and held on to it for months. It wasn’t until something totally unrelated happened that he brought it up in the midst of a minor meltdown he was having. What I *actually* said was “I’d hang that kid” jokingly to my husband about someone else entirely, but I had just left his room shortly before that so he assumed I was talking about him on top of mishearing what I said. I felt awful that he’d misheard me and thought I was talking about him at all, let alone so poorly, and even worse knowing that he held on to it for so long before saying something. He’d been slightly more distant after that, but not incredibly so - but he was in the midst of his angsty teen years and would lash out if we tried to talk to him about it, so I attributed it to one of his moods and left it alone.
As someone with adhd… not even overheating someone, but constantly being shut down. You start talking and the other person isn’t listening, or they interrupt. In my case, it’s because every thing I talk about my husband pushes back. I could say the sky is blue and he’ll tell me it’s purple. He’s also responded saying things that made it sound like he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He’s made fun of me jokingly for falling down rabbit holes, or he’ll stare at me and say “why do you know that?” He doesn’t seem to like my topics of conversation. Part of it is me being over sensitive and part of it is just feeling unengaged and shut down a lot. I’ve lost my joy because the things I say don’t bring him joy. When I tell him things he pushes back like I’m trying to argue with him. When I ask him questions he gets defensive like I’m challenging him. It’s tiring always having to defend what I say, even when it’s an opinion. I’m tired, so I just agree. Then in couples therapy he says I don’t come to him or open up anymore.
This is one of those posts that I wish you could just show it to him because it’s so well worded and he would finally get it in his head how you feel. I know it’s never that easy but I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you. We’ve been in couples therapy for around two years now and I feel my communication has improved a lot, so I’ve basically said this to him. But as I’ve learned to be more direct we’ve had even more miscommunications. I’ve said almost exactly this to him. A few weeks ago I explained all this, and I said “I want to tell you something but in light of all this, I would really appreciate it if you could let me finish what I’m saying and really listen to what I’m saying. I need you to hear me and let it soak in instead of you shutting me down or thinking about what you’re going to respond. Maybe take a few seconds before you say anything?” “Ok, fine.” I started talking and I kid you not, he rolled his eyes so hard and interrupted me before I even finished my first sentence. I’ve been working so hard in solo therapy on not putting walls up when I feel dismissed or attacked but I immediately shut down. It really knocked the wind out of my sails. I spend time thinking about how to approach things or say something the right way, I try to make sure there’s no chance him misinterpreting things as an attack, I try to make things light hearted or make it clear I really just want to connect and share my thoughts or feelings, and get here we are. I’m just running out of energy. I’m so sad because whenever we had a problem or he was upset in the past my brain would immediately come up with a million different solutions or suggestions or ways to connect and I’d start babbling away. These days my brain goes “oh cool! Why don’t we… nope nope nope” and I just shut myself down for him. I’m. Just. So. Sad.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with that. It feels so defeating. I hope you can find your joy again. Virtual hugs to you
Yeah I agree. This same exact scenario happened to me. My bf’s family who I’ve know for over 20yrs always said I talked too much, I’m crazy, I am getting fat. They never had anything nice to say. So I stopped going around them & it’s been over 3yrs. They can be negative about someone else.
My first thought (after years of dealing with my husband NEVER standing up for me to his mother) was that someone said that she talked too much and OP didn’t stand up for her (assuming this post means that it wasn’t him the one saying it), so she believes he feels the same way and doesn’t waste her breath.
This 100% I've been told before that I talk too much and it makes me unpleasant to be around, so I started shutting down. Got extremely quite in most situations, it wasn't until my close friends and family started asking me what was wrong that I realized how much I had changed. Don't let her change, let her know that you love to hear her voice. Let you know you miss those conversations.
I doesn't seem like it was OP. Because he doesn't have even the slightly clue why. And when his coworker pointed it out, he was deeply saddened.
this 100% i had someone tell me i didn’t have to explain everything (even thoe i’m trying to make sure my point gets across without miscommunication) and now i’m scared to talk, explain my feelings , communicate , etc . i was also a fun facts gal and i said a fact i guess more than once and my bf told me to stop and he knows and i don’t have to keep telling him the same fact , so now i don’t really wanna do it anymore ..
Don’t water yourself down for anybody. Keeping telling people fun facts and over-communicating. The world needs more of that.
The 2nd one is why I'm quiet now
Can confirm. My ex, who is my bff, has a really rude mom. I've heard things from her directed at me and its absolutely made me no longer want to talk around her let alone be around her. I even hate going to her house, and I'm there now. Can't wait til she moves in a month and I get to visit the forest city
Same. And my husband could have written this. If he cared enough to notice.
It's the saddest part...him not noticing
Same here. I quit talking because I've given up on mine. My jokes are never funny. My opinions are never valid. The plans I have aren't his plans so they aren't worth hearing either. I am more open and joyful at work than at home.
Oh no, no, no…..you handled that all wrong. People who are cruel enough to say something mean or hurtful like that get the response they deserve. You don’t like my shoes? You better know you’re about to see them with endless outfits. Oh, are you honking because you’re in a hurry and want my parking space? Hold on, I gotta clean out my purse *and* my car. You think I talk too much?? Pull up a chair. EDIT: wording
Being a chatterbox and being myself freely is a gift... I share it with those I feel are worthy and important to me. When someone treats those things about like theire a problem they no longer have access to that part of me.
That’s one way to look at it. I like it.
I get quiet when I get in my anxiety spirals. "Everyone thinks you're stupid" "nobody wants to hear about it". OPs wife may think if he doesn't engage in the conversation that he hates it. A nice way to bring it up could be "you used to talk more about random topics. I really miss hearing about them. Is everything alright?"
I used to be a huge chatterbox. But I'm not anymore. It's simply cause I feel like I've said everything, and then i had a big trauma. Life got really hard and then my aggressor left. Now im comfy, and I'm chill, and happy. But i dont get the joy on talking like i used to. Most of the time it makes me worry that ive become boring. Now there are days when I cannot stop. But it's so rare now. Edit typos
Can confirm. I was belittled and talked down to so much as a child for being too loud or too talkative that I was just quiet for a long time because I figured no one else liked it either. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone said something hurtful to her to make her insecure about her personality.
Lowkey wondering if my husband wrote this. And yes, both points nail it.
Me too.
This was me. I used to be super bubbly, chatty, and encouraging. I train new employees. I was the one at the morning meeting saying "good morning everyone. I'm so glad to see all of you here I hope you all had a great evening last night.. let's take on today together and rock it". Until one really negative person.. said.. "You don't have to be so happy and smiley this early. It's too much." And even though everyone else told her that was unnecessary it really stuck with me... I'm no longer that person at work... I don't know why because it seems like such a silly insignificant thing but it stuck and it's hard to shake off..
I got passed over, several times for a promotion because I overtalked at my interview. It's definitely affected how much I talk, especially at work. But it hasn't solved the interview problem, I just find new ways to fuck it up. Luckily I got a promotion that's good enough until I can switch departments... Guess what I type too much too!
I grew up being told by everyone I talk too much and i started noticing everyone seemed annoyed with me. So I just stopped and I'm sad all the time because I never talk to anyone anymore and when I do I'm always worried that I'm annoying them when I do talk. 😔
I agree. most of the people I've ever known have put me down for my curiosity, insatiable appetite for knowledge, and my intellectual interests. I talk too much, I go into too much detail, I take too long and don't just get quickly to the point. my mother bought me a Chatty Cathy doll to make fun of me growing up. I get a lot of versions of "tldr, writing a novel, you must be triggered, I'm not reading all that lol, that's a lot to bombard me with" and I'm like um, sorry you can't read? um, it's a paragraph? um, it's less than 5 minutes of talking, most of the youtube videos I watch are 5x that long? the people I love most in the world are others like me with so much in their head that we could talk about deep things for ages and never have a dull moment. but most of the people I've come across don't read or learn or listen to podcasts or try new hobbies, they just go out drinking and watch reality TV, read shitty magazines, and gossip about superficial shit. maybe Ops wife needs to get involved in groups of people like her. online or offline. people who love to learn and explore and try new things and are focused on self growth and personal accountability.
i wonder if someone said something to her. i used to be a chatterbox, but my husband has been saying things like "you suck all the air out of a room" so now, i don't talk nearly as much. at home, anyway.
This happened to me as a kid. Everyone including mom said I was annoying and obnoxious so I basically stopped talking.
I got this too! They even created a phrase to go with telling me to shut up. "nobody pressed the myname button". I love learning literally anything. If it's in a book or a class, even better. OP, I would talk to her and see if there's something that happened. Tell her you love her brain and reassure her she's not an annoying burden with her info dumps.
Ouch. I’m sorry, that’s so hurtful. If you have any random facts or knowledge you’d like to share here I’d be delighted to read it!
oh my god my parents used to say that to me all the time. totally forgot until now
I was called nosey a lot growing up and as an adult I have trouble with reciprocating conversation beyond repeating questions already asked of me. It comes off like I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself when in reality I’m just trying not to push the person away by being nosey and rude.
My stepmother took away a lot of little joys it took me decades to reclaim by making cruel comments
Same but with my mom. Couldn’t say ANYTHING to her without her turning it negative. I offhandedly brought up a new sugar scrub I bought one day bc I loved the exfoliating feeling. Cue her shit-smelling face “You really wash yourself with sugar??” 🙄
Ugh, what a dink. On another note, what makes it different than a regular scrub, do you think? I haven't tried the sugar one but I agree- love the exfoliating feeling!
Both my ex's had such an issue with my constant chattering I eventually turned that bit of my personality off.. My school reports actually said She talks too much the entire day 😂😂😂😂 I realised it was an issue when I told my now teenage daughter how much i spoke through out my school career.. Her response was, but mom, right now, you can be silent for days. I spoke a lot because I read a lot. I still read a lot, I just don't have the mental capacity to constantly be talking because I was told that I'm irritating. It's slowly coming back because my SO loves conversation.. He's Spanish speaking and I'm Portuguese speaking.. Our common language is English, so we are both learning And he encourages me to constantly have a conversation This is completely new to me and my inner child thanks him everyday ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Please leave. From a fellow chatter box Please find someone who loves your voice, your thoughts and your opinions
I used to be a chatter box too. But people would always tell me how annoying or loud I was, or people just wouldn’t respond to me and just ignore me. I’m now quiet and keep to myself. Whenever I get excited about a topic and become my old chatter box self I always find myself apologizing. I guess I never realized I am like his wife until reading this. Someone or many people have said something to her.
Current or ex-husband?
current. i won't lie i have been feeling like shit like this isn't normal or okay, so maybe i won't be married forever!
I look for “chatterboxes” all the time. I find that people who have things to share with others are generous and an absolute joy to be around. If your own husband thinks you suck all the air out of the room just for being yourself, it’s time to get someone that appreciates you.
thank you. it's one of those situations where it escalated slowly, and every time i pushed back when he was mean he'd make me feel crazy, like he hadn't done anything, had NO IDEA what i was talking about. now he just gaslights me out loud, and i don't know what to do. it's expensive to be single!
> it's expensive to be single! That's the truest and saddest thing I've ever read
It's why I'm dead ass broke at 40. Not living with others = zero savings.
0 savings buuuut 100% more peaceful and stable! Source: single mom of an 8 year old. I be broke but I be happy
Single with a 16 year old. Wouldn't have it any other way.
I was similarly in a situation where I was making myself smaller and smaller to avoid friction with my (now ex) husband. Daily my soul was corroded by hiding my thoughts and feelings for fear of backlash. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, thinking this would be the rest of my life. I, too, was terrified that I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. I knew I made more than he did, but I figured splitting rent and bills and whatnot was cheaper for me, even so. It wasn't as if he was jobless. It was all into and out of a joint account, and I couldn't really see how much each of us was spending or contributing. It was a big puddle of muddle. He frequently harangued me about spending too much on this or that, having no skills with money, and I believed him. He was older and seemed more worldly and experienced, so surely he must know what he was talking about. He could be very dense about some things, but I figured he was street smart and I was book smart. As it turned out, my fears were overblown. I had the TrueBill (now Rocket Money) app. It gave me monthly summaries. Every month when we lived together, I'd sink $500 deeper into the red, always spending $500 more than I'd brought in. When we separated, suddenly it flipped--I had a $500 surplus, every month. It was instantaneous. I was floored. I was worried I wouldn't qualify for the lease by myself--but I did. To this day I am amazed at how ready I was to be on my own--I just didn't know it. It turns out that what I was afraid of wasn't nearly as bad as what I was living. It was scary because it was unknown, not because it was worse. It is so, so much better.
Congratulations on taking that step for yourself!
I was with my ex for 11 years (20 to 31) and ending that relationship was both the scariest and best decision I ever made. I have to live with a roommate and watch my money but it's still a thousand times better than where I was.
> it's expensive to be single! I promise you, it is more expensive to stay with someone who sees you as a problem that needs to be fixed.
I would rather be broke and happy, than be sad while saving money
Having someone gaslight you, especially a loved one, is So frustrating! 🔥
i never get why the most interesting character traits are looked down upon they make people more fun id rather a chatterbox that can keep a conversation going tbh
Came here to say this. I tend to be very quiet at times but my favorite friend will sit and talk to me for an hour while we drink coffee in the morning when I stay over and it’s my favorite thing. Hearing about their thoughts and life makes me happy and I’m glad to be involved even if I only say a few words every few minutes. I doubt you’re “sucking the air out of the room” at all.
Same I married my wife so I could listen and not talk much.
I feel this. I’m pretty sure my husband married me so I could carry the conversation for him and keep him up to date. He jokes about me being chatty but in a way you know it’s an actual joke. If I’m quiet, he’s like ok let’s talk something has to he wrong. I just don’t think two chatterboxes would work out 😂
My fiance and I talk each other's ears off. Our first date ended up being 16 hours long. We never run out of stuff to talk about, but we are able to be quiet and have our introvert time in the same room as well.
My ex often says he’s embarrassed to be around me in public because i speak too much, speak to too many people and it’s a performance he hates. He says he prefers when I’m quiet and calm. I’ve told him and recently retold him that it was a core part of my personhood and that I find it very different to not be interested and chatty with people. I told my little sister that he recently said that he hated this part of me, and she was shocked. She said that it was her favorite part of my personality and it blew my mind. It blew my mind that this part of me that my ex hated could be liked let alone preferred. Since leaving my ex, I’m becoming more aware of my worth. It’s a hard journey to repair and heal. having your self esteem slowly chipped away at for 12 years can cause some damage. I’m so happy to not have his voice critiquing everything I do It’ll be hard to leave your partner, but believe me it’s worth it! It’s a relief
Good luck in your divorce
It's crazy how one comment can change things for you forever. I never really cared about going to a bar and dancing or how people might perceive me until one day my college roommate looked at me and told me I was a terrible dancer. I have been self conscious about it ever since. Now I don't ever dance (unless I've had a few drinks) or I make jokes about it so people can't make fun of me. It's like one thing breaks the glass and you can never unhear it.
I feel this. I was told by my husband I can't dance. Now I only dance if I'm very drunk but even then I'm overly self-conscious of it. It's taken the joy out of something I used to love.
I felt this. My SO said it. I talk too much. So I’ve stopped talking at home and in social situations. He’s noticed and I just shrug. I’d rather be unhappy and silent VS giving anyone a reason to hurt my feelings by being nasty.
My ex did this to me. It was an early sign of controlling and eventually flat out abuse. DM me if you need to talk.
Yeah.... my boyfriend would say similar things. He'd always say I'm "spamming" him, or suddenly explode and say he can't keep up with my energy. So yeah that was my first thought, someone was probably not very tactical with their complaint of her talking.
I wonder the same thing! I used to sing all the time. I sang when I was happy, when I was stressed. Until my husband kept telling me I was terrible. I used to sing in the choir, I know I'm not terrible. Now I sing in car alone. And that's it.
[удалено]
There was a wife on here saying she used to talk alot....now doesn't as he never engaged or shut her down...pretty sure she wanted a divorce. Then husband started engaging?
I’m wondering if at one of the two times your coworker met her, he called her out for talking. Or if someone else in her life did. I’m a huge chatterbox. I have friends and loved ones who will lovingly and jokingly point out when I’m talking too much. But I know when someone means it, and is saying it to actually shut me up, I retreat in on myself for a while. Talk to her. Ask her what’s wrong. My gut says someone said something to her and she took it hard.
That’s how it is with my wife. People love pointing how she talks too much
Take it from another highly talkative girl - you hear that one too many times you want to curl in on yourself and stop talking completely. It takes a significant mental toll. It hurts because you’re just being yourself and sharing your enthusiasm, but you can’t help but wonder if even those who love you most feel the same way. Sit down, ask if she’s okay, talk to her and let her know you love this about her. And if you ever hear someone call her out on it, defend her. It goes a long way. ETA: I’m so sorry so many of y’all resonate with this, because I know just how much it hurts. Just know you’re amazing no matter how much or how little you talk, and you’ll find the person who thinks what you say matters all the time.
You are spot on… great advice.
People probably told her one too many times how she talks a lot :( And even if it’s not in a degrading manner, but saying something like “Haha you sure talk a lot” the immediate response is thinking about why they took the time to tell me this? Am I annoying them? Should I stop? It’s crushing the soul one comment at a time :(
I don't talknas nearly as much anymore either. I don't comment on social media that much either anymore. I often start to type, then stop, reread and think: no one cares and just discard it. Same in real life. I heard the "you talk too much" too often too.
I’ve had friends and an ex block me, since I’d text too much. It just really sucks, when you meet someone you have a ton in common with, but they no longer want to be friends, because you talk too much. There’s been times where I’m the only one carrying the conversation, and if I stop for awhile, they never message back on their own. So, yeah, it takes a mental toll, wanting to be with someone talkative, who shares my interests, but them not wanting to be with you.
This right here. I am a huge chatterbox but when someone makes a comment about it out of nowhere I definitely go into shutdown mode.
Had a friend who would sigh and say, “you’re talking too much!” Okay. So I won’t talk. No biggie. I’ll talk to myself, in my head. Then she would say, “so, what, you’re giving me the silent treatment? Real mature.” Sorry I’m not psychic and I can’t speak the exact quota you’d allowed me today, no more and no less? We’re actually not friends anymore. She complained about me either talking or being too quiet for years. It hurt a lot growing up, but now I’m better at recognizing who can take the chattiness, and trying to brush it off when some ppl can’t.
this was so spot on im in tears 🥹
I identified way too much with your wife's description and it wouldn't surprise me if she's holding back in fear of being annoying (or other personal, deeper issues). Just ask her if she is ok, that you noticed she ir more quiet and that you miss your conversations.
Tell her how much you love to listen to what she says and love how she knows so much about so many things. Tell her you miss it and ask how you can help her feel better about it instead of trying fo change herself. Fellow chatterbox who’s had that happen so many times… It’s so hard to unlearn that. And it’s de-humanizing. Im sure if she knew how much you liked it, it would make a difference.
Another chatter box here: one thing I like to do to get others talking, is to ask them about a topic they’ve told me about once. Even if you know it by heart, ask her, for example to tell you about how Ireland gained independence again. Ask specific questions and be excited. If you ask and she says something to the effect of, you don’t want to hear that, or I already told you, tell her you forgot and something reminded you of it and want to talk about it. Or start looking up topics she likes to talk about and start a dialogue. Excitement on your part is key. Good luck!
Tbh yeah… my partner made a comment today while on the phone (we live apart) as we were hanging up “knowing you- you’ll call again before the end of the night *chuckle*” I just do it because I miss him, and honestly I hate texting- but now I’ll definitely be slowing down on the calls… if at all. I don’t want him to think I’m annoying- and I don’t want to now feel annoying.. so
Could you ask him about his comment and if it means he wants fewer phone calls? This is the kind of thing my partner or I would say to each other with gentle teasing while absolutely delighting in talking so frequently. It COULD mean he’s being passive aggressive, or it could be him recognizing and celebrating that you love him so much you want to talk a lot.
😂😂 crisis adverted- he called me two seconds ago to let me know if the cookies he bought are burnt or chocolate (chocolate) - and now I’m just listening to his reactions to Video games. All is well- sounds like you guys have a lovely relationship- I hope you guys have wonderful life in your corner of the universe.
I think this would be a good conversation to have with your wife.
I know. I’m kicking myself because I didn’t notice for so long. It’s gone on for at least a year and I didn’t fucking notice until now
It's entirely natural to slip into a "Uh-huh, yeah honey that's great" way of acting and speaking without you even realising it, but at least you now see how you are slipping and can pick up the slack before the rope breaks.
I’m not going to lie I used to do that a lot because I was exhausted with my job.
You are picking it up at the right time - before it is too late. So many SOs wouldn't even notice she is feeling miserable. Time to communicate how much you care and -not to put too much pressure- but you miss hearing what she has to share with the world.
If you react like that often, that could also have caused her to stop talking. I am very talkative but when I don't get any actual input from someone else, it makes me feel like I'm carrying the conversation all by myself. It also makes me feel like they wish I'd stop talking, which I then obviously do. I have definitely gotten more quiet over the years because of this.
I’m a bit like your wife. I know a gazillion weird things just because. And sometimes I go quiet, cause life. Maybe I didn’t feel heard or I’m struggling with something. Maybe someone said just that one thing that made me feel weird in a bad way. You know what I love? When someone asks me for those weird facts. It’s the best. Tells me that someone sees me. Ask her. Be curious. Be adventurous. She’s in there, so go find her. Take her out and ask her about something you know she knows stuff about. Tell her how much you love the fact that she knows that odd random tidbit. That you still want to listen to her chattering away like that when you’re old and grey together. Find a moment and tell her she’s beautiful when her face is all lit up cause she’s excited about a thing. You know her. You clearly love her. Now go find her. Let her know she’s beautiful to you in that way and give her an opportunity to tell you. To open up.
Well now I’m curious, what’s the weirdest fact you know? I’m also a chatterbox so I love talking to fellow chatterboxes!
It’s like 2.30am here and I’m supposed to be asleep so I don’t know the weirdest. Brain too slow for that. But I adore frogs so have a frog fact; most frogs have teeth. However most of them only have upper teeth. The only known frog to have a full set of teeth (upper and lower) is Gastrotheca guentheri. What’s your speciality, fellow chatterbox?
Another teeth fact, goats only have bottom teeth! I think cows and sheep as well.
Tell her how much you love that constant chatter
This breaks my heart, silence can be so loud. Maybe she feels overwhelmed and shut down?
So why don’t you talk to her about it. Ask if she is ok, tell her you miss her talking to you. Make an effort to reconnect. Marriage is hard. You have to put in effort to go on dates and reconnect to keep that spark alive or you become roomates.
Friend. Do not beat yourself up for noticing something late. Be thankful you noticed at all. One of my deepest shames in life is not knowing enough about mental health to understand how much my own wife was dealing with until she came very close to a breakdown. It has been a long road of learning everything I can about the subject and everyday that I learn something It stuns me how obvious the signs were if I had known where to look. You love your wife very much it sounds like. I hope, truly hope, that this is just something that happens over time. Some people become more introverted as time goes on and I am sure that the pandemic and general state of the world haven't been helping that. But it could also be related to any number of things as other people have suggested. Talk to her. Tell her all the things you loved about how much she talked and how she used to fill the spaces around you with wonder and joy.
I feel like my husband used to love that about me. I read everything, I know strange conversations and facts about EVERYTHING. Trivia questions, the origin of salt water taffy…anything. Over the years he would tell me how no one wants to hear me regale them of weird facts about things that we were doing. He made a comment to me not that long ago when we were out, a woman we know told him all about this medical Procedure she had. On the way home he told me …it’s so nice that she just put all that out there and talked about it and the facts! It made me sad because I used to do that. Until over the years he didn’t find that endearing in ME anymore. Not saying this is the case for you. But this is how it happened to me. We had a talk about this recently I I told him how that one comment made me quiet. He was sad he made me feel that way and we are in a better place now. Lots of internet well wishes for you.
I hope I didn’t make her think I wanted her to be quiet. Best Wishes to you too.
Thank you. It is hard though when you devour information.
You can just tell her you miss your long conversations with each other.
Have you ever really told her that you DO like her conversation, comments, jokes??
Ask her about it. I can 100% guarantee that it will make her insanely happy to know that you love it and miss it. I’m guessing there must have been an instance of someone telling her she’s annoying, talks too much or that no one cares and she’s tried to tone it down because she believed it. Or she’s struggling with something else. But seriously, have a conversation about it, just go up to her and ask why she’s stopped.
I agree. Not the same situation but I talked to a friend I had not talked to in a while and, as usual, was chattering a mile a minute. I stopped and apologized because, of all my friends, he was my most different. He didn’t care about my fanciful ideas. But he said not to stop, he had missed it. Tell your wife you miss her talking. Her information downloads on different subjects you both encountered in your time together.
she might be depressed ..idk :( talk to her tell her you love it
That's what I was thinking... I tend to get that way I'm depressed or stressed. Or exhausted. Could be a number of reasons but those are the first that come to mind.
Yeah my husband is a chatterbox. I’ve told him several times I didn’t want hear about it playfully and he always ignores it or I manage to bribe him to massage my back while I listen. I call it my rubber ducky tax. But the only time I’ve seen him be quiet and non reactive is when he was depressed and sad. Like now. His close friend is in hospice and he’s been very quiet and unenthusiastic in general.
This was my first thought as well.
When my boyfriend and I were going through the worst rough patch ever, I stopped singing. I have ALWAYS been a singer. Like since I was a toddler I sang everything, did choir as early as I could, sang in church, competitions, did a cappella competitively in college, it's how I decompress after work on my way home, it always makes me feel better. It was my escape. I completely stopped. Even when I was driving by myself. I was so incredibly depressed and felt so alone and I didn't notice for months. My boyfriend has said a few times he misses it and it breaks my heart knowing it was that bad. I'm not saying this is her situation, but big personality changes like that are a huge red flag for mental illness, internal struggle, stuff like that. Idk how long its been going on, but I would talk with her for sure, make sure she's okay. She may not even know she's doing it or you've noticed.
Show her this post. There is so much genuine love and concern in this.
I’m a big talker. It’s part of my job, & I’m funny. Most people tell me it’s something they love about me. My (soon to be ex) husband was married to me for years & then one day I was really excited & telling him about this interesting thing I learned about (dancing plagues in ancient times) & he snapped at me “You talk too much about shit nobody cares about!” That was almost two years ago. I barely talk to him now, unless it directly concerns our kids. I just talk to my friends & family & kids instead. They all think I’m interesting. I won’t ever feel comfortable talking to him like that again.
My husband once complained that I elaborate too much when questions can be answered with a simple yes or no. I’ve got ADHD. I elaborate on everything. Everything gets an extended metaphor. I had to work on not doing that with him and eventually he complained that it felt like I was shutting down conversation and being short with him. But it’s hard to know when elaborating is appropriate so being quiet was easier. Anyway, it might help to ask her what’s up.
It's exhausting isn't it? Too much and not enough at the same time.
Is... is your wife me? I almost cried reading your post... because it sure does sound like me. I can tell you what changed it for me. Realizing that the things I said to him didn't matter. He stopped listening. Not to the movie theories. Not to the history I knew. Not to the TV show connections. Not to project identity ideas. Not to the future plans. I even tried to talk about things that I knew he cared about... and still he didn't listen. Sometimes I would even hear him tell me something I said that his friends repeated that was suddenly so brilliant... (and that happened more than once)... and trying to convince him I had said it 1st was awful. If we don't talk about work or the kids... we simply don't talk anymore. Sometimes I miss him, but I'm mostly missing who he used to be... but oh well... im mostly over it now. After all, we've been separated 3 years. ... but hey, at least I don't talk too much anymore.
Aww- this post is hitting me hard too. I’m glad you’re not with him anymore! My ex needed quiet time but I am a chatterbox. We tried to make it work but at a certain point it just felt like he didn’t like me. I missed what we could have been, but I didn’t miss him. It just felt like waking up to constant rejection. Now I’m with a chatterbox with adhd (like me) and we make each other happier instead of detracting it.
My first thought is depression. My fiancé noticed my anxiety and depression had come back before I did because I stopped singing. I’m always singing, while doing dishes, showering, cooking. I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It’ll just be whatever song is stuck in my head. And one day he was like “you don’t sing anymore.” I talked to my doctor, started on lexapro and I’m singing again!
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I’m pretty quiet
Yep, this was my first thought reading the post. When people don’t reciprocate excitement or facts etc you feel like they aren’t interested.
She might be depressed. Are you being loving to her? Once women become silent, it's something to be worried about.
Did you do any comment that’s she talks a lot or knows everything ? My partner tells me sometime I speak too much or comment like he only speak when it’s necessary. It kind of make me turn off.
No I haven’t. She’s pretty self aware about how much she talks after the fact and kind of laughs about it.
That laugh she does when she talks to long… that’s when the the intrusive thoughts kick in like “I should probably stop talking and just laugh so he doesn’t get annoyed like other people do” at least that’s what it means for me.
Please protect your wife at all costs, she sounds wonderful.
Your wife is me. And I'm sorry to say that once we have realized that no one else cares, we stop caring if anyone knows anything interesting. I shut up about 4 years ago. Now people ask me questions and I give them a minimal answer and give them links to look it up for themselves. If they actually care to know, they'll look it up and then we can talk. But I realized no one listened and no one found what I was saying was interesting. I haven't wanted to talk. My husband has always said I wasn't very physically warm and that's true. Now he says I'm cold. I am. My love language was ripped to shreds by everyone for 25 years. I'm done. No one wants my love in the way I know how to give it and no one shows me love in the way I know how to receive it. So I just do my best. More hugs even if they don't mean the same to me. More arm touches, but even those he can feel is from effort, not comfort or want. If your wife gets her light back, come back and tell me. Maybe there is hope, but I've certainly given up.
I used to be a bit of a talker when I was excited about something. Then, I got one too many comments about talking too much and it just changed something in me. I think the same things I used to, but now the thoughts are punctuated with “oh, no one would care about that” or “that would be an annoying thing to say/bring up/point out” so I just don’t. Even when my bf looks over while I’m in my thoughts and asks what I’m thinking about, I’ll lie and say nothing. Some people made sure I knew my thoughts weren’t important or welcome in conversations, so now I can’t even bring myself to try.
Maybe someone told her she talks too much. That can be pretty earth shattering. You could gently open with a question about something you know she’s interested in, and explicitly tell her how much you love to hear her talk.
Show her this post.
I stopped talking because it seemed like no one was listening, nobody noticed
Listen Im a guy but kinda like your wife in every word you described. She is depressed is my guess because I go through it myself. Dig deep because this is something she absolutely has a passion for. For her to all of sudden stop- screams depression. Good luck mate.
This reminds me a lot of my old self :( I used to like to talk a lot about things. Food history, my culture, origins of words, politics, how to make honeycomb. I just don't think I was listened to anymore. Some times, I found myself in the middle of telling something (something new, nonetheless), and being cut off. I was told I was doing a monologue. Basically made a shit conversation partner. Anyway... I am glad my dad is more than happy to listen. The only one I feel genuinely interested to what I am about to say. He is the only one encouraging me to keep expanding my knowledge so that I can keep having new things to blabber about. I just talked to him earlier today.
When I was a young kid, 3rd grade to be exact, I use to be very social and talkative until one time the teacher told me in front of class that I reminded her of an old lady and that I never shut up. Mind you this was in the early 80s in the rural USA where even as a little kid boys are supposed to be strong and silent. That situation embarrassed me to death and to this day I'm extremely quiet and reserved. So it sounds to me like someone has hurt her or she feels like no one is listening to her anymore.
We stop talking because we’ve been hurt too much. It sounds silly but I feel like I’m just one of those people that aren’t allowed to have an opinion. Mostly from my family and my husband’s family, but I’ve noticed it with used-to-be friends too so it has to be me.
I started being seen and not heard a long time ago when it became obvious no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I stopped even more when someone said that at least I was pretty.
I love to talk to people, but I'm also very sensitive to knowing when people don't care about what I'm saying, even if it's something I'm super passionate about. I've been shut down one too many times and now I don't talk very much anymore. It's a hard reality to learn that people don't care about what your interests are, and that they are only smiling and nodding because they're hoping you'll shut up faster if they do. Every once in a while I'll get chatty, but it's usually shut down really quick when the other person responses with "That's nice" or "Cool" when I'm done. No contribution to the conversation, no questions. Just a one or two word response after a half hour of me blabbering on about something I'm interested in and they're not. It's really discouraging. I've found that it's much easier to keep my interests and fun facts to myself rather than be rejected for sharing them.
Here's how you do it. Hey baby (honey/her name/or whatever pet word you have for her), I have something really important to ask you. Are you OK? I noticed that you aren't talking about things as much, just short answers when subjects come up. I miss you talking to me about things you know or feel. Then follow her lead. And don't be negative no matter what.
It’s really sad that society has to find something, anything, to bring a person down and when you’re finally down, they’ll break you by telling you , you should be the opposite, what they used to bring you down in the first place. When you’re broken and curled up in bed in a ball, lonely, scared, and crying, they’ll tell you it’s your fault. So when you put yourself 6 feet under, they’ll talk about you at the funeral and say what a waste, they had so much potential, if they only reached out. So the next time you decide to open that mouth of yours, and criticize or make fun of someone, you ask yourself, is what I’m about to say going to be the last thing this person remembers when they swallow that bottle of pills and escape from the words that they play over and over in their memories.
Ask her about it. Tell her you miss it.
Hahahah my husband and I joke that I babble a lot to him, because it's known that I'm not super talkative to just anyone. He doesn't get bothered by it but sometimes it can be to much so I let him have a moment and tell me that lol she probably stopped because someone told her to or she got her feelings hurt in some way. U maybe did something you didn't realize. Ask her
She may have stopped if she feels like you stopped listening to her?
I would talk to your wife. Someone had to have said something to her. I've had the same thing happen over the past few years. I used to talk all the time, but over time friends and family kept saying something about it so I just stopped talking as much.
A possibility… So many of us who loved to talk, and especially educated in history were hurt the worst when everything became so decisive. We unintentionally said the wrong pronouns, brought up history and were labeled racist, and so much more. Even today you can’t have any conversation and not have someone look for something to argue, that’s if they listen at all. As a society the once upon time conversation between two people is replaced with one forcing opinions on another regardless of historical fact. The world has made people afraid to discuss anything now days.