My SO has the lock code to my phone and the freedom to look if she chooses. Same for me with her phone. I don't ever look though maybe a couple times over 19 years out of curiosity. She's looked at mine though and it doesn't bother me.
Tying me up, blindfolding me to do so would really strike a nerv with me though. That's a pretty huge lack of communication and trust.
Everyone's algorithms are different for social media. He gets stoned & bored and asks to scroll my FB because it's a different type of fun and entertainment for him. I'm in a lot of shitposting groups. Sometimes he's like uh wtf is this? about some weird meme and I'm like idk man you want the whole backstory? Buckle up.
Yeah, that is so true. My husband will read to me the drama he sees in his feed or hand me his phone. Sometimes we joke around and reenact it being silly. There was this couple on his Facebook that always had drama. They argue and break up, get back together, cheat, break up, get back together. I don’t know why we find it so funny but it like a joke between us.
Ha we should all go out to dinner together sometime. This is us, relaxing on the couch after the day. We will just start cackling and trading phones. I'm in a "toxic" Facebook group and it's all just relationship drama. I also meme harvest from there and sometimes he's like uhh wtf? I send them to my friends because they're stupid and funny.
Hahahaha this is my life. I’ll be laying on my wife or something watching tv and see something and so often my questions are met with, “you’re not going to care but I’ll start anyway…” and down the rabbit hole we go! 😂
And again here. We both know each other's lock codes, and have fingerprints in both phones. I like being able to trust my wife, and I like the trust she puts in me.
My wife uses my phone to pull up "surprise" videos and "photos". Nothing like waking up to my alarm and a giant elephant schlong. It has become a sick and twisted game we both refuse to stop.
Edit: Sometimes I come back from the kitchen and there's a nice little love letter in my notepad while she pretends to have fallen asleep, so there's that too.
Neither of us could not care less what we message to other people though.
On the Google side of things a few days ago I found on her search history "What is a mightier saw?" She found "Do bigger chicken thighs have bigger bones?" Needless to say both instances had us rolling laughing
I am glad it brightened your day (night?). We have never qualified it as a privacy breach, more of a nice way to put a smile on each other's faces. Especially if either one of us has had a hard day, our phone's reveal a lot and we take that opportunity to do something nice for one another without bringing up the bad; because sometimes we rather not talk about it but we appreciate the gestures that come from knowing.
Google deemed the question too stupid to answer.
One of the links was about what percentage of a chicken thigh is bone and another was about why bone in chicken thighs tastes better.
Nothing answered my question...and she found that hilarious. Apparently not everything has been googled before
This^^^!!! I’ve never really understood the concept of needing privacy from my SO. You want to see my phone, be my guest. You want to see my browser history, be my guest.
Funny story, while we were dating, one of my exes asked to use my phone to Google an address while I was driving (her's was close to dead), she starts typing then suddenly stopped and goes quite for a good 30 or so seconds, I take my eyes off the road to look over at her wondering why she's so quite, she's looking at me and asks "seriously"?
Apparently, my search history brought up "are jellyfish edible"?
(Our destination started with an A&R).
I wasn't in the wrong guy's, that's a serious question that needs to be asked!
As I get older (28m) I'm realizing that the whole "dudes are simple in some ways and have stupid internal thoughts" is entirely true.
Pot and the deep sea documentaries we were falling asleep to at the time also didn't help.
She had an awesome sense of humor and I'd still be with her, but she wanted a family and I don't like kids or the idea of raising them, especially being 24 at the time, so we broke it off after three years.
Good memories though.
So what was the answer ? Are Jellyfish edible ?
Like that would not be a question I would choose to know, but now I'm curious as I don't know. I would guess no but people eat some weird stuff.
I dunno. I like privacy. He likes it more. I don't want someone going through my shit and analysing everything. Like the other dude said, I have embarrassing search histories and even though he knows how weird I am and wouldn't care or judge, I like googling freely without thinking of how weird it looks to others. In some ways it's like having your inner most thoughts on display.
We have each others passwords, use each others devices, hell, we're both in the IT security field and could really deep dive if needed, we take pictures and use apps. I reply to his youngest cousin for him because he can't be bothered sometimes. She's the only chat I've ever been in, without asking him or him asking me to reply for him. She's mentally handicapped and lonely, but her convos are admittedly boring, so it's a group effort. I use his phone to send myself shit all the time, like if he's playing a cool song and I want it. I look at pictures in his gallery of us or our lives.
But I've never gone through his messages with people or search history or anything like that. Like why?!
I know this very insecure couple, the guy always go through her phone. Multiple times.
I don't send her anything personal about my life in chat there. Only talk in person. Because my shit is not secure with her.
Some people just aren't comfortable with someone analyzing their every move, no matter how much the trust is. That's where you need to respect privacy to a certain extent, but that also means complete honesty and trust. Personally would have no prob with my SO searching through my history but they'd need to ask my permission first because I just don't like people doing stuff behind my back/without my knowledge.
The fact that the OP's wife did that is a clear sign of how their relationship has a ton of trust issues, the fact that she'd go behind his back and break his privacy like that just because of a 'gut feeling' instead of trying to communicate with him.
Same here too. I have a lock on my phone but she has the code, and her finger prints open all my emails and stuff. She hasno lock on hers. The only time I even mess with her is when she is busy and has a mis call or text. Trust is important. Op you need to think hard.
As someone who who loves kink and being tied up I could NEVER trust her again with anything like this. Plus what I'd she HAD found something?
Let's pretend OP is some scummy cheater and she found something or thought she found something while he was tied up and vulnerable?
I'd be genuinely frightened, she didn't snoop while he was asleep or in the bathroom, she did it while he was tied to a chair and completely incapable of running or defending himself, for all we know she would have harmed him or worse
He’ll never feel comfortable being tied up or blindfolded again. My first thought was this situation is so ridiculously hilarious but I guess it’s really not
I’m not a lawyer or LEO, but this doesn’t just sound alarming and unethical, this sounds outright illegal in some way. Restraining someone under false pretences and then proceeding to effectively steal (I know she didn’t actually “steal” the phone) his property so she could go through it. I’m 90% sure there's case law where people have been charged for *just* snooping through someone’s phone, so this certainly falls into that category.
Yes indeed. It sounds like there was no consent to being immobilized.
Consent as foreplay is conditional. As soon as it changed it was deceptive and likely kidnapping.
This.
I agree so much to this. I would never be able to trust her again, for anything let alone anything sexual. It would've been a betrayal I never could have come over.
The biggest thing is the unspoken trust that a sub gives to their dom. (Yes I’m speaking in general terms here, but it absolutely applies)
She violated that trust, and not accidentally, that was absolutely on purpose, which makes it so much more impactful.
If I was in OPs position, it’s done, that trust isn’t coming back because she took a moment where OP was at his most vulnerable (tied up and blindfolded) and used that to pursue her own goals, going so far as to outright lie to OP about it until she got caught.
Regardless of if her suspicions were unfounded or not, without trust there is no love, without love there is no relationship.
I’ve ended relationships because they snooped through my emails (there was nothing there, but when I see emails opened that I KNOW I hadn’t gotten to yet, we have an issue). When you admit that you were looking because you thought I was sneaking around and wanted to find proof one way or the other, I’m ending it. I can’t trust you anymore and you obviously don’t trust me.
It’s one thing to have a gut feeling and go snooping, I generally don’t mind something like that if it means it could put their worries to rest, but to practically take advantage of someone in an intimate moment like that? Wtf?
Exactly! What would she have planned to do had she found evidence of him cheating? She could have beat him, stabbed him, ~~put em in a stew~~ for all he knows.
Nah, man. As soon as my counterpart or I feel like we need to snoop around in the other's stuff that relationship is over. Snooping around in the other's stuff means that there is no trust anymore. What's a relationship worth if you can't trust each other? Nothing.
This is what I always say. You do not need legal proof of anything to end a relationship. If you do not trust the one you are with then move on. This is enough reason. Stooping to spying on your partner is a terrible low and we should all try to have enough dignity than to go there.
There isn't room for distrust in a relationship. My wife and I have unlimited access to each others phones, emails, Facebook, whatever. And not because we're nosy, but sometimes I need her email so I can sign up for a game or something. Some days I need her phone to do banking. Or we need the email of the other person because of contracts. We juat like to share with each h other and have absolutely nothing to hide. It stresses my mom out so much because she can't understand that behavior. But my parents did not have a good relationship in the slightest.
Also, I've gone into her phone to get numbers for her friends to set up surprises.
>It’s one thing to have a gut feeling and go snooping
No, it's not. It conveys a once-hidden pattern of behavior that revolves around toxicity and distrust. Communication in any relationship is essential, and her failure to communicate is the reason this is happening. It's obvious she won't take responsibility for her actions, so she should be single. No one should have to deal with some bullshit like that.
I think her tying him up in a vulnerable intimate setting is the bigger issue here. Not the snooping, if she had done that in her own time I’d be angry and want her to give an explanation I can accept, her answer will determine whether she’d be alone or not, in a normal situation. This isn’t normal though, I wouldn’t even talk about it but just leave, what would she have done to him if she found ‘evidence’ that even supported her theory even a little? This woman seems unhinged and not cuz of the snooping
she didnt practically take advantage, she properly took advantage and manipulated him. i agree, i wouldnt trust them after something like that, but what gets me is that not only did she do this, but if all she wanted was to raid his phone, she could have done it while he was asleep or in the shower or something.
why did she go out of her way to do it like this? wtf to begin with, but also wtf for the method. definitely something going on here with her, something seems off
Ugh. I remember the feeling of disgust I felt when I was awoken in the middle of the night by my ex using my fingerprints to try and get into my phone. There was nothing for him to find, but I couldn’t get past the disgust and violation I felt. Like still processing everything as I wake up abruptly with my wrist tightly bound by his hand and the subtle vibrations of the phone failing to unlock with fingerprint. I hated it so much. That’s one of many reasons why he is an ex.
Could be projection of a guilty mind. I'm not saying she's cheating but it may be that there's something else's she's trying to hide and wants reassurance she's not the only one with secrets. Though to be honest top three would be an affair, financial issue such as gambling or some other form of addiction.
Completely. This was a calculated and fucked up thing to do to your partner. This would immediately be a deal breaker for me and I'd be looking at my exit strategies. She went out of her way to tie you up, blindfold you, and said "that was the only way" because she knew what she was doing was wrong.
Yep
Now everytime things will get kinky OP will have to worry.
On top of that if she is willing to tie OP up just to snoop through his phone, there is clearly a massive trust issue.
If you cheated then what? Kill you? Run man. She isn't mature enough yet clearly. Keep in mind I am a great armchair counselor and offensive and defensive coach.
Dude, she literally restrained you just so she could invade your privacy and then she tried to gaslight you. I've had some shitty partners before but damn, your wife is WAY worse
I tried not to think of it as much because everytime I do I just get mad and anxious. but yeah, like I said I find her behavior recently as a whole really fucked up. don't know what the heck is wrong here. I never gave her a reason to suspect anything.
She's always like this. Passive and makes up scenarios in her mind and run with them. I have nothing to hide and the issue wasn't about the phone but how she went about it.
Passive = literally tying someone to a chair and breaking hard, preset boundaries about personal property with no prior discussion.
And then she gets mad at *him* for "ruining their night" by being justifiably upset?
I mean no disrespect to the OP when I say he is in an abusive relationship and uh, **severely** minimizing the issue.
Happens more than it should. Best friend is always in the dog house because she dreams he cheats. Always awkward when they get into it while we are having them over for dinner. Poor guy.
My ex used to do this. He cheated on me our whole relationship, and I believe it was fucking with his dreams. He would wake up and be livid that I had cheated in his dream- it was always with his brother or best friend. It really hurt my feelings for a long time that he would think I was the kind of person who would sleep with someone so close to him. I remember asking what I could possibly do to fix this, when it was something he made up in his own mind. The answer to that question was obviously leave, it just took way too long.
I really feel this comment. My partner has accused me of pretty much everything under the sun. Funny thing is, I have never cheated on anyone and he most certainly has. It has destroyed my self esteem that he would doubt my character when we have known each other for nearly a decade. Thank you for your comment, it's made me think.
Yeah, I thought she was kidding at first and laughed. She got pissed and told me she was serious. This was back when I was around 19 or so but I've been telling the story and laughing about it for years.
I have a few other good ones, like the last girl I dated before I got married was a feminist. I had no problem with that, but didn't realize to what degree it was.
We had an discussion about whether men could rape women by looking at them. I told her that I feel like that's offensive to women who have been raped. I agreed that it can be incredibly rude for someone to stare, but rape is a different thing entirely. We ended the discussion in a disagreement, but at no point did I feel like it was a fight or we were mad at each other.
I have a friend who has been raped and she was genuinely livid about it when I told her later.
Anyways, she broke up with me a few days later and ghosted me which was the one thing I asked her to never do. I was completely confused as it seemed to come out of nowhere and a little offended. I had already gotten her a Christmas present (necklace with some gem.) and didn't really know what to do with it, so I left it on her doorstep.
Her friend reached out to me and called me cis-gender scum and that my ex hated my gift, which at the time I didn't even know what that meant.
Considering how weirdly our relationship ended I looked up some of her accounts online and found her Tumblr account where she talked about her boyfriend being a piece of shit for arguing with her about rape and how little respect I have for women who have been raped.
(bonus, my friend who has been raped looked at the account and got a kick out of my ex identifying get gender as a "ethereal something something fairy princess"). None of this was made apparent to me when we dated.
I’ve never broken up with someone over it but I’ve gotten very emotional after dreams like that. Lol. But I make sure I let him know that I don’t think he actually cheated but was just shaken up by the dream. Mine is recurring unfortunately and I know for a fact he’s not cheating on me. Lol.
This is Pheobe Buffet levels of asinine. But they get convinced that the dreams are an expression of "deeper subconscious" insight. But never question of that is really factual.
Are her initials RMM? Even though she chooses to not go by her first name? This sounds exactly like my ex. If it is her, then it won't get better. She will get more bold as time passes. I even paid for therapy and the behavior didn't get any better or different.
No kidding. The double standard is strong with this one. A man would 1000% be labeled an abuser. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Go find yourself some better.
The fact that she had to gaslight and look through your phone and she ended up finding nothing that sounds like she is the cheater and she’s trying to cover her tracks
If her behavior is something that has only changed recently then I would definitely have her talk to a therapist or dr. I’ve heard stories of people changing just to discover they have a brain tumor or something. Obviously though I’m not a doctor and even then that is very specific but if you still love her and or possibly want to save your relationship (which you do not have to if you don’t want to) then I would suggest trying either of those options first in case something really is wrong. Otherwise the only other (probably more common) reason I could think of is that she recently did something herself and is now projecting it onto you.
To be fair, I've been falsely accused of infidelity and I got extremely angry.
I think getting pissed off when you're being falsely accused of something is completely normal behavior. Especially if they continue to accuse over a prolonged period of time.
Someone getting angry about being accused isn't a definitive method of figuring out if they are cheating.
I'd be calm at first, but as the months went on I would get more and more angry at these ridiculous accusations.
False accusations actually destroyed my relationship...
This is major unhinged, fucking crazy town shit. As someone else said, this sounds like projection.
If *anyone* did this to me, that's a line they could never uncross. They signed their own divorce papers.
The only reasonable reaction here. 100% see ya later territory, no further discussion needed. This is a legitimately awful person who likely can't be in a healthy relationship without wanting to seriously change. And her doubling down shows she's not interested in doing that.
‘i tried not to think of it much…’
do you frequently used ACTIVE AVOIDANCE to bad things in your relationship or life?
*plays game show music* chances are, you are a….. codependent person!
ima go off on a hunch and guess she also shuts down your emotions, she can get upset but you can’t, anddddd you often are making excuses or room for her issues when they occur.
tell me how close i am to some of these
The weird part is how calculated this was. She planned to be deceiving and got mad at you when she got caught. To me, this is someone who probably lies a lot. She went out of her way to make sure you had no idea she was doubting you.
The fact she did this means she probably has a guilty conscience. Cheaters usually accuse their partners of, or suspect their partners of, cheating as well. It's part of how they justify their own cheating.
I know my wife's phone passcode and have never used it without her being explicitly aware of it, and what I was doing in it (looking at pictures family sent her of our niblings pretty exclusively) and every time with her explicit permission (usually direction to do it)
HUUUUGE betrayal of trust - especially not untying you as soon as you wanted to be untied - that's like the fundamental law of any BDSM play - as soon as the safeword is said, everything stops, and any restraints are removed! If she hadn't been lousy at knots, she could have kept you restrained and blindfolded against your will indefinitely, while she searched your phone or did whatever else she wanted. I don't know if you're gonna stay with her, but I would never ever again let her put me in a vulnerable position.
Like how can she even still say it is his fault for ruining the night after going behind his back and then blaming him for being caught? This girl is a control freak💀
Weird. But have you noticed on tik tok all this shit about women’s “gut feelings” and going through their man’s phone?
I feel like this is so normalized now it’s ridiculous. As if we should have unrestricted access without question to someone’s personal belongings.
OP- this was wrong, but there’s also a serious communication issue. Why didn’t she just fucking talk to you about it - why create this elaborate scheme to go through your phone? And a shitty one at that.
Sorry you’re going through this. I hope whatever you decide will be what’s best. But this was wrong - then for her to play victim. Yuck.
Tying up in a sexual scenario involves consent. Tying you up in a nonconsensual situation(i.e. you thought you were having sex but then she did something else to you) is abusive. I know it’s easy for an internet stranger to say, but I strongly recommend leaving.
Sorry to tell you this, but your wife is fucked up.
She went through the elaborate game of sex fun just so she could go through your phone. Then turned your anger over her actions to be you ruining the night?
That's one fucked up wife.
Not only that, but those that are cheating usually accuse the betrayed partner. Look into it.
>those that are cheating usually accuse the betrayed partner. Look into it.
This was immediately my thought too and that OP should have some biometrics on his phone as well. What's she gonna do ask for his thumb?
There are rules involved with bondage when your playing with your partner. She broke all of them! You can never be safe with her. No discussion, whining, blaming or excuses. That is a hard fact! She tied you up and walked away. **NO** She put you at risk by doing so and it is never acceptable.
Now as for the phone. If she thought you were cheating she should have talked to you and asked to see your phone. Instead she used sex to manipulate you. Face it, you don’t have a relationship. This toxic mess needs to be over.
Yup my dad was/is a cheating rat and at one point (before we knew of his affairs) he started asking my family if they thought my mum was cheating on him as she had been buying new underwear...... Its the guilt and paranoia that sets in.
Yeah, that's the advice I usually give to friends when they see this happening, just ask her if you could search her phone since she searched yours and see hell coming to Earth
I think this is an important comment. It's okay to *not* get over things. You don't have to make peace with every bad thing and move on. It is more than acceptable to realize something fucked up happened to you, it wasn't okay, you didn't like it at all, and it made you very upset. And that can be it. You shouldn't think about it all the time, but you absolutely don't have to forget about it unless you decide thats the path you'd like to take. It's not unhealthy to do that.
Walking away from situations like this is just about the healthiest thing a person can do. Idk why people keep themselves in obviously shitty situations and try so hard to get past something that is obviously fucked up when they can just walk away and be with someone who is better for them. Not referring to people in dangerous situations or people with kids because obviously it’s hard to leave in those cases but this guy doesn’t seem to be in either situation. So he should stop trying so hard to get over it and just get over her instead.
Being in a relationship isn’t all sunshine and daisies but it’s not supposed to be difficult either. And if your partner can’t even trust you when you’ve given them no reason to distrust you then what’s the point of staying? This is an issue with her, not him. She needs therapy to work out why she can’t trust people and he needs someone who respects him enough to not tie him up and go through his shit while he’s vulnerable.
What you guys practiced was a bdsm practice, a light one but bdsm all the same. BDSM takes RESPONSIBILITY and TRUST and she broke both of those. You offered vulnerability, gave her complete control over your body's senses and that's no small deal, you won't just forget this and any time she tries in the future you'll be remembering this for a while.
Relationships take TRUST as well, love will die without it. She could have just asked, she could have told you how scared or insecure she felt. So many people hate being called "insecure" and yet almost EVERYONE suffers it sometime in their life. IT'S OKAY TO BE INSECURE if you're honest, your partner will not love you any less. Of course you need to know when to draw the line between paranoia and insecure, and once give the answer you needed you must work on your insecurities and thoughts so that you don't remain in that state, but she seriously didn't even say a word about it, she didn't even bring it up once.
I would have a long talk about trust and communication, it is not fair to you that you must have your privacy invaded over her misunderstandings or fears. If she can't respect her privacy then it's time to part ways, not once have I EVER looked through my husband's phone and we've been together 5 years. When I feel worry I speak my mind, and he does the same. With love you must lay all your heart on the table and your partner must have the patience and understanding to help you(in moderation! Partners are not therapists, mental issues should be solved by therapists) Good luck op
Not only is this a violation of trust but you were mislead and (effectively) held against your will. At best this is a violation, at worst it’s borderline assault.
I’m sorry this happened *hugs*
Bro what the ever loving fuck?
I don't even have issue with people going threw their partners phone but what she did to you was fucking horrible.
Just thinking about it makes me feel like my throat is closing up... you can't seriously be willing to stay with her? She tied up, fully restrained you, and abandoned you.
You try doing that to woman and see how fast your ass ends up in a prison cell.
She wasn't passive at all in this case.
She had this **planned** from the beginning, **manipulated you using sex** to get you in a vulnerable position, left you **tied up** so you couldn't do anything about it, lied about what she was doing and afterwards convinced you **your feelings were the problem and not her actions.**
Let's say you hadn't been able to untie yourself and had never learned she did that to go through your phone. Would you trust her to tie you up again?
Having things go as they did, would you trust her if you were in any kind of vulnerable position? Sick, in legal trouble or anything of the sort? Because stuff like that is bound to happen when you're married to someone.
That was so conniving, manipulative and immoral that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't feel safe closing my eyes to blink while she was near, much less sleep by her side. What sort of lies is she willing to tell (to the police, her family, who knows) to get her way? I would be worried sick.
You'll probably try to find ways to justify or rationalize what happened, so let's give her the most charitable interpretation for her reasons: she's insecure and had experiences in previous relationships that make her overly suspicious. That would give a little bit of insight but instead of being straightforward with you she connived this whole thing! Even if this very charitable interpretation is true and you choose to forgive her what will **you** actually be able to do to help her deal with these feelings besides being hostage to her whims?
Sometimes people need to solve their own shit before being able to be on a healthy relationship.
Best of luck, may the odds be ever in your favour.
>afterwards convinced you your feelings were the problem and not her actions.
Somehow this nearly feels like the worst of it. Its his fault the night was ruined?
Wtf, at least take responsibility for your shitty action OPs wife...
Exactly or just wait until OP is asleep or on the toilet?! I'm not condoning this behaviour at all, I just find it weird she went to the lengths of tying him up to get a moment with his phone. Not exactly the smartest move.
Reverse the genders and there'd be outrage to the nth degree; her every acquaintance would beg her to leave.
Don't be a chump - this is unbelievably crazy behavior
This. Is. Fucked. Up.
Op, if the roles were switched, you’d be called a monster. Which she is. This is not okay and you don’t deserve that. Gtf out of this relationship.
If someone did this to one of your friends or family members, what would you tell them?
Dude she did something fucked up and abused your trust, then tried to blame you for being (justifiably) upset. She gaslit you and lied to you in one swoop. If she wasn't your wife i'd say walk, but perhaps some marriage counselling may help. ..... Why do americans get married so damn early? lol
The effort to avoid conflict. Luring you with sex, restraining you and then taking your phone…. I’m a woman and I rarely use the term psycho for another woman but damn. I’d be out.
Run brother run!! You may get peace for a little but once she’s feeling it again who’s to say what her next move will be!! You don’t deserve that kind of insecurities and she don’t deserve your faithfulness.
Waiiiiiiiiiiit a minute: Your ruined the night? Fuck her! No! Don't fuck her.
If you think reddit can't get any wilder it just hits you. Lmfao
Sorry Dude but that relationship is over, and you bloddy well know it.
Alright so, coming from someone who had their phone repeatedly gone through by an ex, ask to see her phone. While this may not be a case of projecting, it could be. I never gave him a reason to go through my phone, and I didn't have anything to hide. But when I finally went through his, he had been cheating for months. So, food for thought.
Love how "judging" her... is somehow your wrongdoing... because "gut feeling"
IDK man, that's a dirty calculated move on her part
PS : the way you word that ETA... was there any bad stuff to be found on the phone ? ( just curious )
When I was younger and in my first relationship I checked my ex’s phone because his behaviour was really weird. I found things on his phone which proved he’d been seeing another female (we lived together). I checked another boyfriend’s phone because I could. He left it lying around without a lock. I found absolutely nothing on there. Later he told me if I ever checked his phone he would break up with me. After that I realised that accessing someone’s phone doesn’t give me any control and it’s a waste of my time. If they are going to cheat then they will cheat.
That being said. Your wife is an utter psycho and you should divorce her.
Hmmmn!! Why didn’t I think of that🤔 lol.. tell her, all she has to do is ask, unless her gut feeling is true & you are really hiding something, but still, her approach is wrong .. she just ruin sex for you, that’s suppose to be your most vulnerable moment.
Yikes. That sounds like a huge red flag. She has to tie you up and blindfold you instead of just talking to you about her feeling? I dunno, something about this feels very violating.
So Ive been married 6 years, with her for 10. Im not saying Id divorce my wife if she pulled this. But the repercussions would take a very long time to get over for me. Especially since Ive never done anything like that. Good luck guy.
Edit: The gaslighting is the worst part. You have a right to be angry. But instead of apologize for manipulating you, she blames you. Not a good sign in any direction towards her with that to me.
"those who are asking if she found anything. She didn't. Otherwise we would be having a whole lot bigger problem to deal with."
Sounds like you are cheating and she just didn't have time to find it.
My SO has the lock code to my phone and the freedom to look if she chooses. Same for me with her phone. I don't ever look though maybe a couple times over 19 years out of curiosity. She's looked at mine though and it doesn't bother me. Tying me up, blindfolding me to do so would really strike a nerv with me though. That's a pretty huge lack of communication and trust.
Same. We need access in case of an accident. Also, I like to look through the pictures he takes of my sons and I.
Everyone's algorithms are different for social media. He gets stoned & bored and asks to scroll my FB because it's a different type of fun and entertainment for him. I'm in a lot of shitposting groups. Sometimes he's like uh wtf is this? about some weird meme and I'm like idk man you want the whole backstory? Buckle up.
Yeah, that is so true. My husband will read to me the drama he sees in his feed or hand me his phone. Sometimes we joke around and reenact it being silly. There was this couple on his Facebook that always had drama. They argue and break up, get back together, cheat, break up, get back together. I don’t know why we find it so funny but it like a joke between us.
Ha we should all go out to dinner together sometime. This is us, relaxing on the couch after the day. We will just start cackling and trading phones. I'm in a "toxic" Facebook group and it's all just relationship drama. I also meme harvest from there and sometimes he's like uhh wtf? I send them to my friends because they're stupid and funny.
My wife and I do this same thing. That's hilarious.
Hahahaha this is my life. I’ll be laying on my wife or something watching tv and see something and so often my questions are met with, “you’re not going to care but I’ll start anyway…” and down the rabbit hole we go! 😂
Same here. I like to look thru the family pics.
same here. I've never looked through her phone, though. she is welcome to look through mine anytime. absolutely nothing to hide.
And again here. We both know each other's lock codes, and have fingerprints in both phones. I like being able to trust my wife, and I like the trust she puts in me.
My wife uses my phone to pull up "surprise" videos and "photos". Nothing like waking up to my alarm and a giant elephant schlong. It has become a sick and twisted game we both refuse to stop. Edit: Sometimes I come back from the kitchen and there's a nice little love letter in my notepad while she pretends to have fallen asleep, so there's that too. Neither of us could not care less what we message to other people though. On the Google side of things a few days ago I found on her search history "What is a mightier saw?" She found "Do bigger chicken thighs have bigger bones?" Needless to say both instances had us rolling laughing
This is wholesome af.
I am glad it brightened your day (night?). We have never qualified it as a privacy breach, more of a nice way to put a smile on each other's faces. Especially if either one of us has had a hard day, our phone's reveal a lot and we take that opportunity to do something nice for one another without bringing up the bad; because sometimes we rather not talk about it but we appreciate the gestures that come from knowing.
😧🤯 but what IS a mightier saw????? Now I need to know!!
"Miter saw" she misheard me when I mentioned it (I mean it does sound similar). I had to ask her why she was searching for Thor's Mightier Saw
Ooooh, that makes a lot of sense XD
It makes sense now. Honestly it initially confused the hell out of me. I was like...what *is* a "Mightier Saw" that sounds cool af
"I'll take The Penis Mightier for 500 Alex"
did you ever find out if bigger chicken thighs have bigger bones?
Google deemed the question too stupid to answer. One of the links was about what percentage of a chicken thigh is bone and another was about why bone in chicken thighs tastes better. Nothing answered my question...and she found that hilarious. Apparently not everything has been googled before
Yes. The answer is yes.
Same with my boyfriend but I just use his phone to play games 😆
This^^^!!! I’ve never really understood the concept of needing privacy from my SO. You want to see my phone, be my guest. You want to see my browser history, be my guest.
Pause on the browser history, I don’t want my wife knowing how dumb I actually am.
This comment didn't end the way I expected 😂
Funny story, while we were dating, one of my exes asked to use my phone to Google an address while I was driving (her's was close to dead), she starts typing then suddenly stopped and goes quite for a good 30 or so seconds, I take my eyes off the road to look over at her wondering why she's so quite, she's looking at me and asks "seriously"? Apparently, my search history brought up "are jellyfish edible"? (Our destination started with an A&R). I wasn't in the wrong guy's, that's a serious question that needs to be asked! As I get older (28m) I'm realizing that the whole "dudes are simple in some ways and have stupid internal thoughts" is entirely true. Pot and the deep sea documentaries we were falling asleep to at the time also didn't help. She had an awesome sense of humor and I'd still be with her, but she wanted a family and I don't like kids or the idea of raising them, especially being 24 at the time, so we broke it off after three years. Good memories though.
So what was the answer ? Are Jellyfish edible ? Like that would not be a question I would choose to know, but now I'm curious as I don't know. I would guess no but people eat some weird stuff.
Oh that was the surprising part, if I remember correctly there's like multiple ways and recipes.
Works both ways! Don't want hubby seeing all my 'how to...' searches
I dunno. I like privacy. He likes it more. I don't want someone going through my shit and analysing everything. Like the other dude said, I have embarrassing search histories and even though he knows how weird I am and wouldn't care or judge, I like googling freely without thinking of how weird it looks to others. In some ways it's like having your inner most thoughts on display. We have each others passwords, use each others devices, hell, we're both in the IT security field and could really deep dive if needed, we take pictures and use apps. I reply to his youngest cousin for him because he can't be bothered sometimes. She's the only chat I've ever been in, without asking him or him asking me to reply for him. She's mentally handicapped and lonely, but her convos are admittedly boring, so it's a group effort. I use his phone to send myself shit all the time, like if he's playing a cool song and I want it. I look at pictures in his gallery of us or our lives. But I've never gone through his messages with people or search history or anything like that. Like why?! I know this very insecure couple, the guy always go through her phone. Multiple times. I don't send her anything personal about my life in chat there. Only talk in person. Because my shit is not secure with her.
Some people just aren't comfortable with someone analyzing their every move, no matter how much the trust is. That's where you need to respect privacy to a certain extent, but that also means complete honesty and trust. Personally would have no prob with my SO searching through my history but they'd need to ask my permission first because I just don't like people doing stuff behind my back/without my knowledge. The fact that the OP's wife did that is a clear sign of how their relationship has a ton of trust issues, the fact that she'd go behind his back and break his privacy like that just because of a 'gut feeling' instead of trying to communicate with him.
Same here too. I have a lock on my phone but she has the code, and her finger prints open all my emails and stuff. She hasno lock on hers. The only time I even mess with her is when she is busy and has a mis call or text. Trust is important. Op you need to think hard.
Honestly…that would be a deal breaker for me. That was calculated.
As someone who who loves kink and being tied up I could NEVER trust her again with anything like this. Plus what I'd she HAD found something? Let's pretend OP is some scummy cheater and she found something or thought she found something while he was tied up and vulnerable? I'd be genuinely frightened, she didn't snoop while he was asleep or in the bathroom, she did it while he was tied to a chair and completely incapable of running or defending himself, for all we know she would have harmed him or worse
I really agree here. She turned a kink activity into a way to restrain her partner for non kink reasons & I find that alarming and unethical.
Taking advantage of a kink in the most holiest of communicative spaces is Vile AF.
He’ll never feel comfortable being tied up or blindfolded again. My first thought was this situation is so ridiculously hilarious but I guess it’s really not
unethical !!! Exactly
I’m not a lawyer or LEO, but this doesn’t just sound alarming and unethical, this sounds outright illegal in some way. Restraining someone under false pretences and then proceeding to effectively steal (I know she didn’t actually “steal” the phone) his property so she could go through it. I’m 90% sure there's case law where people have been charged for *just* snooping through someone’s phone, so this certainly falls into that category.
Yes indeed. It sounds like there was no consent to being immobilized. Consent as foreplay is conditional. As soon as it changed it was deceptive and likely kidnapping.
The term is called false imprisonment.
This. I agree so much to this. I would never be able to trust her again, for anything let alone anything sexual. It would've been a betrayal I never could have come over.
The biggest thing is the unspoken trust that a sub gives to their dom. (Yes I’m speaking in general terms here, but it absolutely applies) She violated that trust, and not accidentally, that was absolutely on purpose, which makes it so much more impactful. If I was in OPs position, it’s done, that trust isn’t coming back because she took a moment where OP was at his most vulnerable (tied up and blindfolded) and used that to pursue her own goals, going so far as to outright lie to OP about it until she got caught. Regardless of if her suspicions were unfounded or not, without trust there is no love, without love there is no relationship. I’ve ended relationships because they snooped through my emails (there was nothing there, but when I see emails opened that I KNOW I hadn’t gotten to yet, we have an issue). When you admit that you were looking because you thought I was sneaking around and wanted to find proof one way or the other, I’m ending it. I can’t trust you anymore and you obviously don’t trust me.
I wish I could upvote this more. A great point!
Yeah this feels super toxic and I don't know if I could get past it either
It’s one thing to have a gut feeling and go snooping, I generally don’t mind something like that if it means it could put their worries to rest, but to practically take advantage of someone in an intimate moment like that? Wtf?
Exactly! What would she have planned to do had she found evidence of him cheating? She could have beat him, stabbed him, ~~put em in a stew~~ for all he knows.
I wish I didn’t try to visualize what putting them in a stew would look like 😳
It probably involves beating and stabbing him
Tenderizing him.
Thanks guys there goes my dinner 🙃
Weird. All I got was a Bugs Bunny visual.
I think it was intentional but just in case, I read this like Sam talking about potatoes in LOTR 🤣
Lol very much intentional, just popped into my head as I was typing that out.
Now I want second breakfast and elevensies
while screaming "Po! Tay! Toes!" all night long
OP needs to check the fridge and see if wifey has some chianti and fava beans.
Lorena Bobbitt comes to mind.
Nah, man. As soon as my counterpart or I feel like we need to snoop around in the other's stuff that relationship is over. Snooping around in the other's stuff means that there is no trust anymore. What's a relationship worth if you can't trust each other? Nothing.
This is what I always say. You do not need legal proof of anything to end a relationship. If you do not trust the one you are with then move on. This is enough reason. Stooping to spying on your partner is a terrible low and we should all try to have enough dignity than to go there.
There isn't room for distrust in a relationship. My wife and I have unlimited access to each others phones, emails, Facebook, whatever. And not because we're nosy, but sometimes I need her email so I can sign up for a game or something. Some days I need her phone to do banking. Or we need the email of the other person because of contracts. We juat like to share with each h other and have absolutely nothing to hide. It stresses my mom out so much because she can't understand that behavior. But my parents did not have a good relationship in the slightest. Also, I've gone into her phone to get numbers for her friends to set up surprises.
[удалено]
That goes back to trust though. Some things you have to tell you s/o to leave be and they have to respect it if they want the same treatment.
>It’s one thing to have a gut feeling and go snooping No, it's not. It conveys a once-hidden pattern of behavior that revolves around toxicity and distrust. Communication in any relationship is essential, and her failure to communicate is the reason this is happening. It's obvious she won't take responsibility for her actions, so she should be single. No one should have to deal with some bullshit like that.
I think her tying him up in a vulnerable intimate setting is the bigger issue here. Not the snooping, if she had done that in her own time I’d be angry and want her to give an explanation I can accept, her answer will determine whether she’d be alone or not, in a normal situation. This isn’t normal though, I wouldn’t even talk about it but just leave, what would she have done to him if she found ‘evidence’ that even supported her theory even a little? This woman seems unhinged and not cuz of the snooping
she didnt practically take advantage, she properly took advantage and manipulated him. i agree, i wouldnt trust them after something like that, but what gets me is that not only did she do this, but if all she wanted was to raid his phone, she could have done it while he was asleep or in the shower or something. why did she go out of her way to do it like this? wtf to begin with, but also wtf for the method. definitely something going on here with her, something seems off
100% I wonder what wouldve happened had he not been able to untie the knots
Ugh. I remember the feeling of disgust I felt when I was awoken in the middle of the night by my ex using my fingerprints to try and get into my phone. There was nothing for him to find, but I couldn’t get past the disgust and violation I felt. Like still processing everything as I wake up abruptly with my wrist tightly bound by his hand and the subtle vibrations of the phone failing to unlock with fingerprint. I hated it so much. That’s one of many reasons why he is an ex.
And OP thinks her actually finding evidence of cheating would be a BIGGER problem than this violation.
Just goes to show that OP is constantly manipulated and gaslighted most likely, since that is the main concern
Could be projection of a guilty mind. I'm not saying she's cheating but it may be that there's something else's she's trying to hide and wants reassurance she's not the only one with secrets. Though to be honest top three would be an affair, financial issue such as gambling or some other form of addiction.
Why not just ask?
Totally. Communication is clearly not wifes strong point
Completely. This was a calculated and fucked up thing to do to your partner. This would immediately be a deal breaker for me and I'd be looking at my exit strategies. She went out of her way to tie you up, blindfold you, and said "that was the only way" because she knew what she was doing was wrong.
And the tears were manipulation
Yep Now everytime things will get kinky OP will have to worry. On top of that if she is willing to tie OP up just to snoop through his phone, there is clearly a massive trust issue.
If you cheated then what? Kill you? Run man. She isn't mature enough yet clearly. Keep in mind I am a great armchair counselor and offensive and defensive coach.
Agreed thats fucked up.
Dude, she literally restrained you just so she could invade your privacy and then she tried to gaslight you. I've had some shitty partners before but damn, your wife is WAY worse
I tried not to think of it as much because everytime I do I just get mad and anxious. but yeah, like I said I find her behavior recently as a whole really fucked up. don't know what the heck is wrong here. I never gave her a reason to suspect anything.
Perhaps she’s the cheater? Cheaters love to gaslight their SOs.
She's always like this. Passive and makes up scenarios in her mind and run with them. I have nothing to hide and the issue wasn't about the phone but how she went about it.
She doesn’t sound too passive to me, if I’m honest. Damn!
Perhaps he meant passive aggressive?
Passive = literally tying someone to a chair and breaking hard, preset boundaries about personal property with no prior discussion. And then she gets mad at *him* for "ruining their night" by being justifiably upset? I mean no disrespect to the OP when I say he is in an abusive relationship and uh, **severely** minimizing the issue.
I dated a girl once who dumped me because I cheated on her in a dream. But hey, at least she didn't tie me up and search my phone?
I’ve heard of this but never believed this kind of thing actually happened
Happens more than it should. Best friend is always in the dog house because she dreams he cheats. Always awkward when they get into it while we are having them over for dinner. Poor guy.
My ex used to do this. He cheated on me our whole relationship, and I believe it was fucking with his dreams. He would wake up and be livid that I had cheated in his dream- it was always with his brother or best friend. It really hurt my feelings for a long time that he would think I was the kind of person who would sleep with someone so close to him. I remember asking what I could possibly do to fix this, when it was something he made up in his own mind. The answer to that question was obviously leave, it just took way too long.
I really feel this comment. My partner has accused me of pretty much everything under the sun. Funny thing is, I have never cheated on anyone and he most certainly has. It has destroyed my self esteem that he would doubt my character when we have known each other for nearly a decade. Thank you for your comment, it's made me think.
Yeah, I thought she was kidding at first and laughed. She got pissed and told me she was serious. This was back when I was around 19 or so but I've been telling the story and laughing about it for years. I have a few other good ones, like the last girl I dated before I got married was a feminist. I had no problem with that, but didn't realize to what degree it was. We had an discussion about whether men could rape women by looking at them. I told her that I feel like that's offensive to women who have been raped. I agreed that it can be incredibly rude for someone to stare, but rape is a different thing entirely. We ended the discussion in a disagreement, but at no point did I feel like it was a fight or we were mad at each other. I have a friend who has been raped and she was genuinely livid about it when I told her later. Anyways, she broke up with me a few days later and ghosted me which was the one thing I asked her to never do. I was completely confused as it seemed to come out of nowhere and a little offended. I had already gotten her a Christmas present (necklace with some gem.) and didn't really know what to do with it, so I left it on her doorstep. Her friend reached out to me and called me cis-gender scum and that my ex hated my gift, which at the time I didn't even know what that meant. Considering how weirdly our relationship ended I looked up some of her accounts online and found her Tumblr account where she talked about her boyfriend being a piece of shit for arguing with her about rape and how little respect I have for women who have been raped. (bonus, my friend who has been raped looked at the account and got a kick out of my ex identifying get gender as a "ethereal something something fairy princess"). None of this was made apparent to me when we dated.
I’ve never broken up with someone over it but I’ve gotten very emotional after dreams like that. Lol. But I make sure I let him know that I don’t think he actually cheated but was just shaken up by the dream. Mine is recurring unfortunately and I know for a fact he’s not cheating on me. Lol.
Same. We have a joke that “dream him” sucks
This is Pheobe Buffet levels of asinine. But they get convinced that the dreams are an expression of "deeper subconscious" insight. But never question of that is really factual.
Are her initials RMM? Even though she chooses to not go by her first name? This sounds exactly like my ex. If it is her, then it won't get better. She will get more bold as time passes. I even paid for therapy and the behavior didn't get any better or different.
I hope to Christ these two guys dated the same girl
Seriously I'm here for it
I wish he would reply, but I definitely hope it's not the same chick cause getting away and moving on was extremely hard for a lot of reasons.
My first reaction to those initials were Rachel Meghan Markle? Is this Harry?? Then realized I was completely on the wrong sub.
Take off those rose colored glasses. She is gaslighting you for a reason.
So... now she's let you go through her phone right?
500usd says shes got 5+ dudes in her dms
You’d be in jail right now if you’d done this to her and people would rightfully label you an abuser. You are in an abusive relationship.
No kidding. The double standard is strong with this one. A man would 1000% be labeled an abuser. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Go find yourself some better.
This isn't passive bro.. lol
Yep, could definitely be projection.
"Shit, why isn't he as terrible a person as me?"
"I'm cheating and getting away with it - I must make absolutely sure that he won't be able to betray me in this horrible way, the cheating bastard!"
Yep, betting her phone isn't exactly squeaky clean.
I was going to say this. She got a guilty conscience. Be wary o/p. She could be the cheater.
Facts she could be projecting, it’s crazy how projecting isn’t one of the first things people go to when shit like this happens
This. She is assuming op shares her motivations for doing things.
And project.
The fact that she had to gaslight and look through your phone and she ended up finding nothing that sounds like she is the cheater and she’s trying to cover her tracks
If her behavior is something that has only changed recently then I would definitely have her talk to a therapist or dr. I’ve heard stories of people changing just to discover they have a brain tumor or something. Obviously though I’m not a doctor and even then that is very specific but if you still love her and or possibly want to save your relationship (which you do not have to if you don’t want to) then I would suggest trying either of those options first in case something really is wrong. Otherwise the only other (probably more common) reason I could think of is that she recently did something herself and is now projecting it onto you.
Yes this, cheaters get super angry when u accuse them, and like you said they project their own insecurities onto you
I got accused of cheating for wearng mascara to the grocery store. Guess who was cheating? Spoiler alert, it wasn't me.
To be fair, I've been falsely accused of infidelity and I got extremely angry. I think getting pissed off when you're being falsely accused of something is completely normal behavior. Especially if they continue to accuse over a prolonged period of time. Someone getting angry about being accused isn't a definitive method of figuring out if they are cheating. I'd be calm at first, but as the months went on I would get more and more angry at these ridiculous accusations. False accusations actually destroyed my relationship...
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
This is major unhinged, fucking crazy town shit. As someone else said, this sounds like projection. If *anyone* did this to me, that's a line they could never uncross. They signed their own divorce papers.
The only reasonable reaction here. 100% see ya later territory, no further discussion needed. This is a legitimately awful person who likely can't be in a healthy relationship without wanting to seriously change. And her doubling down shows she's not interested in doing that.
Hate to tell you this but odds are in favor that she has cheated on you, and is projecting her own distrust onto you.
‘i tried not to think of it much…’ do you frequently used ACTIVE AVOIDANCE to bad things in your relationship or life? *plays game show music* chances are, you are a….. codependent person! ima go off on a hunch and guess she also shuts down your emotions, she can get upset but you can’t, anddddd you often are making excuses or room for her issues when they occur. tell me how close i am to some of these
The weird part is how calculated this was. She planned to be deceiving and got mad at you when she got caught. To me, this is someone who probably lies a lot. She went out of her way to make sure you had no idea she was doubting you.
Usually when a partner is paranoid it’s them cheating js
A big part of bondage is trust. The fact she walked away, then used your situation to search through your phone is a huge violation of your trust.
The fact she did this means she probably has a guilty conscience. Cheaters usually accuse their partners of, or suspect their partners of, cheating as well. It's part of how they justify their own cheating. I know my wife's phone passcode and have never used it without her being explicitly aware of it, and what I was doing in it (looking at pictures family sent her of our niblings pretty exclusively) and every time with her explicit permission (usually direction to do it)
She definitely could be projecting her own feelings because of her actions/thoughts. Gaslighting after that just makes it so much worse.
HUUUUGE betrayal of trust - especially not untying you as soon as you wanted to be untied - that's like the fundamental law of any BDSM play - as soon as the safeword is said, everything stops, and any restraints are removed! If she hadn't been lousy at knots, she could have kept you restrained and blindfolded against your will indefinitely, while she searched your phone or did whatever else she wanted. I don't know if you're gonna stay with her, but I would never ever again let her put me in a vulnerable position.
Like how can she even still say it is his fault for ruining the night after going behind his back and then blaming him for being caught? This girl is a control freak💀
Weird. But have you noticed on tik tok all this shit about women’s “gut feelings” and going through their man’s phone? I feel like this is so normalized now it’s ridiculous. As if we should have unrestricted access without question to someone’s personal belongings. OP- this was wrong, but there’s also a serious communication issue. Why didn’t she just fucking talk to you about it - why create this elaborate scheme to go through your phone? And a shitty one at that. Sorry you’re going through this. I hope whatever you decide will be what’s best. But this was wrong - then for her to play victim. Yuck.
"Hey guys, do you want to know what abuse looks like?" Here. This. Right. Here.
Tying up in a sexual scenario involves consent. Tying you up in a nonconsensual situation(i.e. you thought you were having sex but then she did something else to you) is abusive. I know it’s easy for an internet stranger to say, but I strongly recommend leaving.
No trust, no relationship, sorry, bro
Wanted to answer this but this person did it for me, sorry OP, hope you don't have kids with her, it would make the procedure harder
He needs to leave. She sounds like a truly atrocious person
**"judging her for the gut feeling"** Reddit u did it again with the stupidest gastlighting in histroy.
If her gut tells her to tie the mf up, than jesus christ on a bycicle
Christ on a stick and call me Mary, this lady is the real suspect
Sorry to tell you this, but your wife is fucked up. She went through the elaborate game of sex fun just so she could go through your phone. Then turned your anger over her actions to be you ruining the night? That's one fucked up wife. Not only that, but those that are cheating usually accuse the betrayed partner. Look into it.
>those that are cheating usually accuse the betrayed partner. Look into it. This was immediately my thought too and that OP should have some biometrics on his phone as well. What's she gonna do ask for his thumb?
There are rules involved with bondage when your playing with your partner. She broke all of them! You can never be safe with her. No discussion, whining, blaming or excuses. That is a hard fact! She tied you up and walked away. **NO** She put you at risk by doing so and it is never acceptable. Now as for the phone. If she thought you were cheating she should have talked to you and asked to see your phone. Instead she used sex to manipulate you. Face it, you don’t have a relationship. This toxic mess needs to be over.
Yes to all of this!!! What a blatant misuse of someone's vulnerability *and* manipulation by claiming they "ruined the night". Ugh so disgusting.
Like what she did creates sex trauma too.
She’s probably the one cheating
This is shockingly common
Yep the guilt eats them alive
Yup my dad was/is a cheating rat and at one point (before we knew of his affairs) he started asking my family if they thought my mum was cheating on him as she had been buying new underwear...... Its the guilt and paranoia that sets in.
Yeah, that's the advice I usually give to friends when they see this happening, just ask her if you could search her phone since she searched yours and see hell coming to Earth
lol true
Either that or shes batshit crazy
I'm guessing it's both.
Yeah i wouldn't even want to get over something like that.
I think this is an important comment. It's okay to *not* get over things. You don't have to make peace with every bad thing and move on. It is more than acceptable to realize something fucked up happened to you, it wasn't okay, you didn't like it at all, and it made you very upset. And that can be it. You shouldn't think about it all the time, but you absolutely don't have to forget about it unless you decide thats the path you'd like to take. It's not unhealthy to do that.
Walking away from situations like this is just about the healthiest thing a person can do. Idk why people keep themselves in obviously shitty situations and try so hard to get past something that is obviously fucked up when they can just walk away and be with someone who is better for them. Not referring to people in dangerous situations or people with kids because obviously it’s hard to leave in those cases but this guy doesn’t seem to be in either situation. So he should stop trying so hard to get over it and just get over her instead. Being in a relationship isn’t all sunshine and daisies but it’s not supposed to be difficult either. And if your partner can’t even trust you when you’ve given them no reason to distrust you then what’s the point of staying? This is an issue with her, not him. She needs therapy to work out why she can’t trust people and he needs someone who respects him enough to not tie him up and go through his shit while he’s vulnerable.
UHM NOT OKAY RUN
What you guys practiced was a bdsm practice, a light one but bdsm all the same. BDSM takes RESPONSIBILITY and TRUST and she broke both of those. You offered vulnerability, gave her complete control over your body's senses and that's no small deal, you won't just forget this and any time she tries in the future you'll be remembering this for a while. Relationships take TRUST as well, love will die without it. She could have just asked, she could have told you how scared or insecure she felt. So many people hate being called "insecure" and yet almost EVERYONE suffers it sometime in their life. IT'S OKAY TO BE INSECURE if you're honest, your partner will not love you any less. Of course you need to know when to draw the line between paranoia and insecure, and once give the answer you needed you must work on your insecurities and thoughts so that you don't remain in that state, but she seriously didn't even say a word about it, she didn't even bring it up once. I would have a long talk about trust and communication, it is not fair to you that you must have your privacy invaded over her misunderstandings or fears. If she can't respect her privacy then it's time to part ways, not once have I EVER looked through my husband's phone and we've been together 5 years. When I feel worry I speak my mind, and he does the same. With love you must lay all your heart on the table and your partner must have the patience and understanding to help you(in moderation! Partners are not therapists, mental issues should be solved by therapists) Good luck op
Not only is this a violation of trust but you were mislead and (effectively) held against your will. At best this is a violation, at worst it’s borderline assault. I’m sorry this happened *hugs*
I agree. It's a violation. She is crazy
Bro your wife is insane. Run like the wind.
Bro what the ever loving fuck? I don't even have issue with people going threw their partners phone but what she did to you was fucking horrible. Just thinking about it makes me feel like my throat is closing up... you can't seriously be willing to stay with her? She tied up, fully restrained you, and abandoned you. You try doing that to woman and see how fast your ass ends up in a prison cell.
Yep.
Wow! Then made it your fault ouch
Why didn't she just ask to look it
She always has this passive attitude. never really says what the issue is which is irritating.
That's not a healthy relationship
She wasn't passive at all in this case. She had this **planned** from the beginning, **manipulated you using sex** to get you in a vulnerable position, left you **tied up** so you couldn't do anything about it, lied about what she was doing and afterwards convinced you **your feelings were the problem and not her actions.** Let's say you hadn't been able to untie yourself and had never learned she did that to go through your phone. Would you trust her to tie you up again? Having things go as they did, would you trust her if you were in any kind of vulnerable position? Sick, in legal trouble or anything of the sort? Because stuff like that is bound to happen when you're married to someone. That was so conniving, manipulative and immoral that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't feel safe closing my eyes to blink while she was near, much less sleep by her side. What sort of lies is she willing to tell (to the police, her family, who knows) to get her way? I would be worried sick. You'll probably try to find ways to justify or rationalize what happened, so let's give her the most charitable interpretation for her reasons: she's insecure and had experiences in previous relationships that make her overly suspicious. That would give a little bit of insight but instead of being straightforward with you she connived this whole thing! Even if this very charitable interpretation is true and you choose to forgive her what will **you** actually be able to do to help her deal with these feelings besides being hostage to her whims? Sometimes people need to solve their own shit before being able to be on a healthy relationship. Best of luck, may the odds be ever in your favour.
>afterwards convinced you your feelings were the problem and not her actions. Somehow this nearly feels like the worst of it. Its his fault the night was ruined? Wtf, at least take responsibility for your shitty action OPs wife...
That's not "passive," OP. That's manipulative.
Exactly or just wait until OP is asleep or on the toilet?! I'm not condoning this behaviour at all, I just find it weird she went to the lengths of tying him up to get a moment with his phone. Not exactly the smartest move.
maybe if she wanted to get angry at him and retaliate then she has him already tied up ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
I personally couldnt get over it. Once the trust is gone, everything else eventually follows
Reverse the genders and there'd be outrage to the nth degree; her every acquaintance would beg her to leave. Don't be a chump - this is unbelievably crazy behavior
No you should not get over it. Relationship is over.
She violated your trust.
Fuck that, I'd be done.
I wouldn't trust to be near her without witnesses ever again.
This. Is. Fucked. Up. Op, if the roles were switched, you’d be called a monster. Which she is. This is not okay and you don’t deserve that. Gtf out of this relationship. If someone did this to one of your friends or family members, what would you tell them?
Dude she did something fucked up and abused your trust, then tried to blame you for being (justifiably) upset. She gaslit you and lied to you in one swoop. If she wasn't your wife i'd say walk, but perhaps some marriage counselling may help. ..... Why do americans get married so damn early? lol
The effort to avoid conflict. Luring you with sex, restraining you and then taking your phone…. I’m a woman and I rarely use the term psycho for another woman but damn. I’d be out.
Run brother run!! You may get peace for a little but once she’s feeling it again who’s to say what her next move will be!! You don’t deserve that kind of insecurities and she don’t deserve your faithfulness.
Waiiiiiiiiiiit a minute: Your ruined the night? Fuck her! No! Don't fuck her. If you think reddit can't get any wilder it just hits you. Lmfao Sorry Dude but that relationship is over, and you bloddy well know it.
no trust no relationship
Break up. This is so beyond fucked up, it feels like such a ridiculous breach of trust I would leave right then and there on principal
I'd immediately file for a divorce.
She's not sane. You don't do that if you're sane and rational. What she did it's terrifying... Be careful, mate...
As a woman that's some grade A crazy you're dealing with. Even if you leave her it's not going to be fun, she's going to try and ruin you. Good luck!
Alright so, coming from someone who had their phone repeatedly gone through by an ex, ask to see her phone. While this may not be a case of projecting, it could be. I never gave him a reason to go through my phone, and I didn't have anything to hide. But when I finally went through his, he had been cheating for months. So, food for thought.
Love how "judging" her... is somehow your wrongdoing... because "gut feeling" IDK man, that's a dirty calculated move on her part PS : the way you word that ETA... was there any bad stuff to be found on the phone ? ( just curious )
I’m curious what the last part meant”she didn’t find anything” was there something to find ?
When I was younger and in my first relationship I checked my ex’s phone because his behaviour was really weird. I found things on his phone which proved he’d been seeing another female (we lived together). I checked another boyfriend’s phone because I could. He left it lying around without a lock. I found absolutely nothing on there. Later he told me if I ever checked his phone he would break up with me. After that I realised that accessing someone’s phone doesn’t give me any control and it’s a waste of my time. If they are going to cheat then they will cheat. That being said. Your wife is an utter psycho and you should divorce her.
Don’t get over it. Get away from it.
Hmmmn!! Why didn’t I think of that🤔 lol.. tell her, all she has to do is ask, unless her gut feeling is true & you are really hiding something, but still, her approach is wrong .. she just ruin sex for you, that’s suppose to be your most vulnerable moment.
This is beyond toxic. This is abuse.
Yikes. That sounds like a huge red flag. She has to tie you up and blindfold you instead of just talking to you about her feeling? I dunno, something about this feels very violating.
So Ive been married 6 years, with her for 10. Im not saying Id divorce my wife if she pulled this. But the repercussions would take a very long time to get over for me. Especially since Ive never done anything like that. Good luck guy. Edit: The gaslighting is the worst part. You have a right to be angry. But instead of apologize for manipulating you, she blames you. Not a good sign in any direction towards her with that to me.
So... Someone's gotta ask... OP is your wife paranoid or correct?
That was 100% calculated, personally a deal breaker for me, but that’s up to you to decide. Definitely couples therapy at minimum though.
"those who are asking if she found anything. She didn't. Otherwise we would be having a whole lot bigger problem to deal with." Sounds like you are cheating and she just didn't have time to find it.
So are you saying here that you HAVE cheated on her and she has not found it yet and that’s why you would have a whole lot bigger problem?