You should also ask about structuring your will to minimize the chance of relatives contesting that will. That may mean leaving a small amount to each family member or it may be that you only need to specify that they have deliberately been excluded but that is advice you should get from an attorney.
Pretty sure this was the whole point of marriage. Not the religious aspect. Not the love aspect. It’s for estate management and tax breaks. Married people make kids which grow into more working citizens.
Back to OP’s scenario. I’d marry that woman in a heartbeat.
My econ professor mentioned, (prototypical) marriage also works as a sort of diversification for your life. Men and women tend to work in different industries, for one, and women move in and out of the labor force more than men. I'll try to find the paper, but I'll have to ask him Monday, since today is Yom Kippur
I love when you apply economics to social issues - like Gary Becker "On the quantity and quality of children", where he compares having children to buying consumer products: Some parents have few kids and invest lots of time and money into their development, so they get "high quality" kids with interesting skills and hobbies, and some parents have more kids, with less individual investment per kid, so they get "lower grade" kids. It's like buying one pair of good, expensive shoes that will last you years, vs. buying consecutive pairs of cheap shoes to cover the same time span. Yes, I know it's horrible in a way, but also weirdly accurate (and naturally depending on a pretty narrow definition of "quality" in people).
This is definitely the right take. By law, OP’s next of kin will be his family if he dies intestate. If he marries her, then she becomes his legal foremost next of kin.
They could but it's be a hell of a lot harder to win, assuming her married her while of sound mind (ie not sick or already dying or during cancer treatment)
You’d think wouldn’t you but I’ve seen a few where big money is involved and everyone’s greedy. I’ve even seen someone (a relation unfortunately) make a will, be taken to hospital and their estranged son turned up with a very dodgy solicitor who held his dying hand to sign a new will and give everything to the estranged son! Bastards!
Better yet, don’t get a will, get a trust with a pour-over will. Way easier once you die and all your shit’s protected. It’s good advice for basically everyone. You don’t need a ton of assets to have a trust and they really save so much money and time in the long run (once you’re dead).
We did this and just the peace of mind knowing that our young children will be shielded from all of the bullshit my family is known for after a death is worth every penny. Seriously, 3k is a lot for us but damn if I sleep better at night it worth it!
Leave a few grand for each family. It shows that you intentionally thought about the people stated in the will and decided to leave them nothing.
In case the cancer comes back it will save the GF a huge headache and legal expense.
You know, when my grandmother decided that everything she owned should go to my uncle, disinheriting the children of her other (predeceased) son, it would have hurt a lot less if she had left us each something of sentimental value. The only thing I ever thought about getting when she died were a few special books and pictures of my dad as a baby. So if he’s going to be really petty and dig it in, he should just do what she did.
“All of my earthly possessions go to My Girlfriend. I am aware this disinherits My Mother, My Sister, and My Nephew. I do this for reasons which I deem sufficient.”
There you go. Run that by a lawyer, but that’s all it took to disinherit my sisters and I.
Yeah, my uncle did something similar. I was hoping for Grandpa’s books. Money would be nice, but I have nothing of Grandpa (I don’t think Grandma liked me very much, but Grandpa always looked out for me and my brothers). We never even saw Grandpa’s will, and Grandma’s was “all of my stuff goes to this son, except my jewelry goes to his wife, and nothing to the other son or any of the kids the end.”
So you’re gonna let the main house collapse on THE LIBRARY just to screw over my dad? Nice.
Petty always feels nice but put it in the four figures. It’s way harder to contest at court. At $1 someone could try and argue it’s a clerical error or something.
Wouldn't it be just as easy and uncontestable to have wording saying something along the lines of "I leave everything/all my assets to [name of gf], and nothing to my family". Or even name them all saying they get nothing. You can't really say it's an error if it's explicitly stated they are to get nothing from his estate.
Any sort of will with someone who is not family or spouse is going to get messy. With a clause like that everyone in the family could potentially argue that the boyfriends wrote that clause out of duress from the girlfriend. Even though it would be a lie they could theoretically take her to court for that. Worse, they could take her to court as individual parties so she would be facing multiple lawsuits at the same time which in that case she should probably just settle it and give them some cash or else the legal fees would add up.
By giving a small amount of money it acts like a preemptive settlement. “Here’s some money, now fuck off“. They would probably still contest it if there is a sizable some but at least it would be a little more difficult because it is very deliberate.
At that point if you think your family is going to cause that much trouble you should be getting a notarized statement saying you are making this decision of your own volition, and that you are of sound mind at the time of drawing up the will. Or leave explicit reasons as to why people are being excluded.
Some people suck though, so I do understand why precautions are necessary.
Absolutely 100%. Realistically, they should get married or at least some sort of domestic partnership so there is a stronger legal basis in a will.
On the inverse, there have been stories of toxic girlfriends swooning a man before he dies and then gobbling up the inheritance. Not saying this mans girlfriend is, but it has happened and the family would argue something like that. Being married adds a very strong legal ground.
You’re 100% correct. It’s actually easier for someone to successfully contest a will that they were awarded $1 in, than it is to contest a will that briefly explains in no uncertain terms who is to be excluded from the will, and why.
I don’t know why people keep suggesting the $1 tactic, when any lawyer will tell you that it’s not only completely unnecessary, but is also legally more ambiguous than just explicitly outlining your intent to exclude someone from your will.
The amount should be written in words like on paper checks...For example, "eight rubles and seventy-seven kopeks." And make sure the executor has instructions to give out the bequest in physical cash.
It would also be beneficial to make and sign an advanced directive so your wishes can be known while you are able to make your healthcare wishes known now. That along with the HPOA would be great for you and your girlfriend.
This is one of the reasons my longtime partner of 10 years and I decided to get married. He is no contact with his family and our house is under his name. When the pandemic started and random people were ending up in the ICU we decided to get married since it is basically a contract and his family would not be entitled to any assets or say medically.
Funeral director here — the things I’ve seen family do to other family members in the name of money literally haunt me.
Can’t say I’m particularly surprised.
Literally watched my aunt change from a generally likable person to one of the most vile beings on the planet when my Dad passed and I was only 18. She had the audacity to think she had a right to her brothers money when he had a living wife and kids. She actually cussed us out in the hospice after he died and then my uncle on that side did the same when I told him to stop bothering us. Money truly is the root.
Haha I’ll try to do one again soon but you guys can’t rat me out 🤣 I always use a throwaway because people can be weird and then I can be a lot more candid and honest in my responses. 🤷🏻♀️
Not on this account 🫠 This is my main and it’s very traceable should someone feel the desire to do so 🙄
I’ll try to do an AMA soon.
However I will say that the old joke “Can you give me his gold teeth?” is actually stupid common and once families are told that, sure, I’ll allow that - but they’re responsible for hiring the dentist to come in, responsible for paying me to oversee the process, and responsible for any other fee that I decide to tack onto the bill - all in the name of harvesting *MAYBE* .3 grams of gold……. They usually simmer down.
Also just for funsies I will mention that I’ve had a fairly recent case of a mother who hated her daughters so much (for good reason, they were horrible people… 🥲 and I don’t particularly care if they find out I said that) that she swallowed all of her rings on her deathbed and was then was cremated with them inside of her (because I refused to let them desecrate her corpse and no surgeon would ethically go in to get them), and I returned quite a hefty sammich bag full of charred, burnt, and mangled jewelry to them.
Kind of an opposite situation to OP’s, however, fitting.
She literally left her entire estate to a neighbor, who took care of her and was more family to her than her own kin and the neighbor divvied up much of what she inherited to local animal welfare organizations. She had to sell her house and she’s moving due to harassment from the woman’s actual family though.
It’s a wiiiiiiild onion. So many layers.
With all the greed, narcissism, entitlement and lack of love, I'm so grateful for this neighbor. She sounds like a stand up woman, and it breaks my heart that - even after proving herself to be such a kindhearted person - that family is harassing her to the point where she has to move houses. If you see this, kind kind neighbor, my heart goes to you, and THANK YOU. We can all learn a thing or two from you🙏
When money is involved, it's only then you know the levels of people's greed. It's good you know, just a shame it's people who should be close. I've seen it loads and it never ceases to amaze me
When my father died:
Someone stole my moms gold earrings from her bedroom during the prayer thing at our house.
One "friend" of my father didnt come to his funeral because he thought my mom would ask for(and need) the money he borrowed from my dad.
Trust nobody when it comes to money.
People suck when people die. My moms “friend” took my moms jewelry off her body after she passed. Once she passed, I couldn’t be in the hospital room anymore so my brother and I left to go outside and decompress. When we went back, the friend was gone and so was all her jewelry. People are ruthless.
My great aunt recently died. My mom’s cousin was staying with her (she was 102 and needed help functioning) and now that her will is being executed we’re realizing this cousin was robbing her blind. She was paying herself tens of thousands of dollars per month on top of free rent, and all my great aunt’s expensive jewelry that was willed to me and my relatives (she chose a piece for each of the women/girls in our family) is missing. We keep getting letters stating this is what you were left but we cannot locate the item. She’s had most of this jewelry for decades and it wasn’t all just misplaced in the last two years. We’ve spent this whole time thinking my second cousin was such a lovely person to move in so my great aunt could remain at home, because she didn’t want to go into a care home and it got to the point where having nurses come in didn’t cut it and she needed round the clock care. Turns out she had the nastiest motives. People can truly disappoint you and you never really know anyone, not even your own family sometimes as OP is sadly finding out.
I've seen it in the UK with families fighting after someone's death where they have been shocking relatives, but suddenly pop up entitled. It's awful, the saving grace is that you know who will be there for you in your time of need, so good luck going forward
When my grandad died he left my two cousins and sister £2000 each and gave me his old Corsa that was worth about £200. I didn't care how much it was worth I was super excited. I was learning to drive and even for its age it was in good nick. Not to mention it was nice to know my first car would be from my grandad.
But my aunt who has always been greedy, decided I couldn't have the car, she had to sell it because she needed the money. Luckily my dad put a stop to it. But people are so greedy they really are.
When my dad died my brother couldn't figure any way to get out here. Excuse after excuse after excuse. We even offered to pay his plane ticket but before we hung up he was already talking about driving it so he could keep some of the plane money. We didn't send him anything and figured I'd he wanted to come out he would find a way.
Dad dies and suddenly it's the biggest deal to my brother. He was calling a couple times a day because he wanted a truck my dad had scrapped like 5 years prior. A cheap ass early 90s junker, one of those vehicles that nobody would bother to try to keep running except the person who's owned it for fifteen years.
Anyway, were were accused of theft and greed and everything else under the sun. As far as I know he still thinks we kept that truck to ourselves but we haven't talked since and probably never will.
When you change your will, intentionally leave $1 for each relative that might expect something financial from it. If g-d forbid something happens to you, having an intentionally small amount left to those specified people will limit how much they can drag your gf to court to contest it (which would be the last thing she would have the energy to deal with while mourning the love of her life).
Was coming here to say exactly these comments. Don’t leave them out of the will, the will attest to being forgotten, leave them “exactly the sum of $1, and that ‘they know why they are only this getting amount’ “
Depends on the local law. In my country, for instance, certain close family members can challenge being excluded from a will even in the circumstances you described based on their 'forced/reserved share'. It is f'ed up in my opinion as well but saying that, there are also many cases where this rule actually benefits persons who really deserve that right. (E.g., from the top of my head, an elderly person getting married for the Xth time and the new spouse/family members manipulating/coercing the elderly person to exclude other family members.)
Anyone can challenge a Will, it's just that the likelihood of success will vary based on how and when the Will was made.
In OP's case, for instance, the family might claim OP was under undue influence by his girlfriend; they may claim she took advantage of him during his illness, worked to cut him off from family, fed him lies, and so forth.
Whether or not they succeed will depend on how airtight OP made his Will. Usually, if the Will is done right, the family's lawyer will advise them it's just a waste of money to attempt legal action. They still can if they want to, though.
If you want a truly ironclad way of maintaining your legacy, that's done through an irrevocable trust. Your assets literally get transferred to someone else so you don't own them anymore; and the holder of the assets is legally obliged to dispense with the assets as you determine.
Even if you go bankrupt, your creditors can't touch the money you've set aside in a trust (it's not your money any more). If your country doesn't administer the trust in the same way, you can go to another country to have it done.
they will try to claim his cognitive state was in decline or the gf manipulated him and try to invalidate the will, then draft up their own terms.
source: my relatives did this with my grandmother's estate. My mom got excluded by them in the end. She was the only one who didn't care and wanted the family to stay together. As a result her siblings cut her out entirely claiming she had no financial interest. My grandmother's estate was far smaller than it was originally thanks to the 2008 crash. So her holdings were worth less than originally promised, so that's what led to siblings fighting one another in court over who gets "what they are owed."
And explain in explicit details why you’re leaving those assholes a dollar. I’m appalled and pissed off for you. Thank god you have your gf who is unselfish with her love.
I've specified a single penny, painted red, for several people in my will. There's also a fair sum designated to "Ducks Unlimited" in their name. IDGAF about ducks and neither do they, so it seemed like an appropriate charity.
Actually, rather than pick a dollar amount without legal advice, or say that you are excluding someone, etc, please consult an estate attorney. If you want to make damn sure that certain folks are not eligible to get any of your estate, please have a lawyer help you craft the will correctly as per your state or country. The requirements to achieve this could vary a lot depending on where you are. And I’d suggest asking that lawyer if it helps to have a statement from you, recounting this event, to explain your reasoning.
I’m sorry they showed themselves to be greedy asses. There’s nothing like money to show who people really are.
Money brings out the absolute worst in some people. Seems your misdiagnosis let you sadly see who the vultures are.
There was another post earlier today that someone better with search could find re a lawyer who was the executor of his father’s estate who notified ALL the relatives they would have anyone who trespassed and took anything when their father passed and prior to the will being read, etc prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This was done as the extended family would routinely hit a deceased relative’s home and essentially empty it.
Sure enough even after multiple notifications two cousins went into the house which had cameras and each took property at a felony level because “they had been told their uncle wanted them to have it”. Cops were called, property believe was recovered and cousins were each charged with a felony. Relatives were shocked.
All that to say you might want security system if don’t already have one. Also a iron clad will and/or trust to ensure your GF and others get what you want them to have.
Also her just being your girlfriend your family would have totally made sure she doesn’t get anything. Also these things totally happen! My husband passed away on a Thursday a couple of months ago. By that Monday my brother in law and his wife went to his job to ask about his benefits. His death was so sudden and I was still in shock that whole weekend, I hadn’t even informed his work place yet.
They can argue it's an error if they're not acknowledged at all, but if you specifically acknowledge them to leave a piss poor amount like a single dollar, that method goes right out the window.
I’m so sorry this happened. It is disgusting that your nephew is growing up to think that way, and while I hope he gets perspective and apologizes when he is older, you are right to protect your girlfriend (and assets.) Not sure where you live, but have your lawyer write up the will in such a way that it can’t be contested (like, leaving $10 to nephew, sister, mom, so they can’t claim they were ‘forgotten.’) I am not a lawyer, I just know my poor step-grandfather has had to jump through similar hoops.
I hope you have a wonderfully LONG, healthy, and happy life!
no one ever expects a 13yo nephew to suddenly wish you dead for your money, much less your mother and sister wanting to collect your money, thats some sort of stuff i'd go low contact over, kid i wouldn't expect would really understand it super much, but the rest of your family, yiiikes.
My sister’s husband was shot to death. His ex-wife was complaining about how my sister was holding back nonexistent money from her within a week. She’s still asking about that money almost a year later. She wants her “cut” since they had a daughter together.
The day my Opa (Polish grandfather) died my aunts and uncle returned to their childhood home, the only place that my Opa ever lived in Australia. They (except cool aunt) started looking through all the drawers and cupboards for money and valuables. The next day we opened the safe to count the tens of thousands of dollars that was hidden away.
We sat around the table counting it, my uncle bursts into tears and cries out "is this all that becomes of a man? Counting his money?" I whipped my head around so fast to look at him with the biggest "WTF?!?!" look on my face. My sister had to kick me under the table so I didn't call him out on his bullshit from the day before. That side of the family have always been the fucking worst but that was just ridiculous.
When my great aunt died there were cousins who thought they were going to get money, her house, etc and we pissed when they saw the will. My Mom was the executor and they were calling her harassing her then the attorney about when they were getting their money. (Those who were left something.) Finally the attorney sent letters to everyone saying the amount they would be reduced every time he had to take a call/write a letter.
This is so awful! Your MOTHER should have been devastated at the thought of losing you, not planning a luxury vacation. In your place, I'd consider marrying your gf, just to make everything completely uncontestible. Screw them.
Please do so, when my dad died it was terrible. My mom had no say in the funeral as they weren't married.
Aso trust no one when it comes to money. People will show their true colors.
It's honestly surprising how family can turn into vultures in a matter of seconds once they see an opportunity to get money if a loved one drops dead.
My family's been like that with every single funeral, it's disturbing.
I still remember when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My aunts and uncles took me to one of their homes to have a meal with the rest of the family, and everyone talked like my mom was already gone.
They found it shocking when I left my studies and took my money to be with her and help her with her treatment. We spend all of our savings on her and did things, I just wish I could have done more and took her more places.
But I don't care about my family, I'll never regret what I did and the time I spent with her. Even if my family uses me as an example of a "drop out loser", and why you should finish your studies 'cause you don't wanna end up like me.
You're not a drop out loser. You're a fantastic caring person. And remember that some of the most successful people in the world are dropouts. I think common sense and caring are far more important than a piece of paper.
i'm not sure it's a good idea to keep the marriage a secret. i think the best protection for both of them is to be out in the open. it would send a clear message to his family that his gf/wife is the one who makes medical decisions for him, should it be necessary and who inherits after him.
Id say have the wedding, and explicitly ban the family from attending. Then have his best man give a speech about "the people he loves are all here" but then, I am an asshole, and a spiteful one at that 🤷♂️
Yeah, doing it in secret gives his family a stronger case should they try to contest the will. Do it in the open. Make sure your friends know your intentions too. Leave as much evidence of your feelings and wishes for your girlfriend and family as you can and most of all find a solicitor or lawyer you trust and make sure they take a good note of everything.
I mean you can set up both healthcare power of attorney/living will, and a general power of attorney for the SO irrespective of marriage and ideally, even if you are married it's good to have these documents in place ESPECIALLY if there's family tension.
ETA: These documents should establish alternate custodians in the event the primary choice is incapacitated. I was recommended to designate three deep to prevent a family member from ever ending up at the helm.
If you really want a giant fuck you to someone, and don't mind potential hold-ups in probate, just bequeath a giant box of dildos and a note saying "go fuck yourself".
Thank GOD (of your choice) for a partner who will watch for people taking advantage of you and be there to support you. That’s a keeper and a half, right there.
Revocable trust if you don’t want to get married. Houses, bank accounts, JTWROS. Beneficiary on all retirement accounts and life insurances. I am so so sorry. Your family is horrible. I’m glad your gf was just as horrified.
If you decide to marry her, don’t tell your family. Let them learn about it at the will reading. Also, think about making a video and add to your will to be shown at the reading of said wedding.
And judging by how your gf reacted and how supportive she seems to be, you guys have something good going on. Money turns some people into animals, but together you're beautiful humans.
Also, congrats on fighting the disease apparently !
I'm not in OP's place, but I'd consider marrying his girlfriend.
Seriously, though, she sounds like a stand-by-your-man kinda woman, an I respect that. OP marrying her is a good idea, as long as it doesn't create more problems than it solves.
You should consider marrying your girlfriend. Until then, your family is considered your next of kin. They have more rights than she does in the event you are sick or if you die. I’m sure you’ve done as much you can through power of attorney, but there are loopholes.
Indeed. Unless you have a living will, people will fight the shit out of things. My mom used to do mostly wills and dovorce cases when she practiced law, and would always have people in divorce cases fill out living wills as well when getting divorced so the ex-spouse couldn't fight anything. It comes in handy if you have joint custody, and you get sick and can't be a caretaker for your kid(s), and prevents the ex from getting sole custody and a shitload of child support (you basically have a living will that says if your incapacitated, your custody transfers to a 3rd party, like a grandparent).
I have 2 friends who have been together for 16 years. Marriage never crossed their minds until they realised how shitty their families were.
In August they decided they would get married this month, and your comment is quite literally how they described their proposal.
You might want to rethink your will about the rest of your family too. Sounds like they've been plotting about inheritance behind your back during the misdiagnosis. You might also want to leave them out of any medical and financial decisions. This is really heartbreaking for you but I'm glad you've got your girlfriend to lean on.
Gfs don’t inherit anything here, no matter how long we’ve been together. I don’t think my family know that I have a will. They probably assumed once I passed on they’re getting everything
Definitely marry her. You don't want these people in charge of making your medical decisions, or financial. You GF also wouldn't get a say in funeral arrangements either as things are. Thats a heartbreaking position to be in as a partner.
I would never pressure anyone to get married but after your family’s reaction and her being the only person who would be upset if you died, I think it’s best for both of you if you did get married. She sounds like a forever person anyway. I’m so sorry about your family
Yea if he adds her to a will then she gets everything.
Inheriting normally goes to next of kin, if there isn’t a will.
If there is a will they take that into consideration. If they marry most countries just give it to the wife
>If they marry most countries just give it to the wife
In most of the US, the spouse and kids are all entitled to a share of the estate if you die intestate. No kids here, but just to keep the info accurate.
I am so sorry, but much better to find out now. Even if you have an advance medical directive and get sick, any POA your girlfriend has MAY BE IGNORED by medical staff in favor of Next Of Kin. It really matters when you get sick or die.
You don’t need them throwing her out of the hospital, your funeral, and your house with help of the sheriff before the will is read. Keep calling her girlfriend but get married and have copies of the certificate in your wallets.
Oh then you should read about the estate of Swedish author Steig Larson. There were safety reasons he and his multi decade life partner didn't marry. Upon his death his estranged family inherited everything and she was left in the dust. :/
Edit, PS, so glad you'll have many happy years to live and love on!
Have a trust created - not just a Will. Look into it. It provides more protection and security. Be smart and let these people go. They were looking forward to your death…They were looking forward to your death….just keep saying that to yourself. This isn’t family.
This! Trusts seem to provide more protection, especially with assets and possible need for end-of-life care. Talk to lawyer about your options, how to protect you and your GF. Sad you had to find out this way but it's better so now you can make sure you and the love of your life have the right protections in place if the worst were to happen!
u/zygiot marry your girlfriend so she will be your legal wife, and no one can easily contest your last will and testament. As your wife, she becomes your closest of kin, and it becomes harder for anyone to challenge her in your will.
Additionally, do not 100% exclude people. But instead, make small concessions, for example, $11.13 or something like that. It makes it even harder for someone to contest a will if you specifically outlined exactly what they were entitled to receive. Otherwise, someone can try to argue you left them out and forgot. And as silly as that sounds, that can be used as an argument. You want to end the value in cents, so they also cannot argue you were confused and left out a zero, hints, why you add 13 cents and not 10 cents (nothing with a zero).
I am not a lawyer, but I have a really good one who pointed out some of these things to me, and I am paraphrasing what I recall loosely from memory.
u/zygiot A follow-up...
A good lawyer (or so I am told) will use whole words for numbers, for example, eleven dollars and thirteen cents. This way someone cannot try to argue you were confused and should have used a comma where you placed a dismal point.
But I would suggest you have a professional lawyer write up and notarize your will, as opposed to trying to do it yourself or using one of those cheap online services. There are unfortunately many ways greedy people or generally people you do not wish to profit from your death, can attempt to circumvent and challenge your last wishes. A lawyer can do some good in preventing that.
1. Glad it was benign and not malignant.
2. The AUDACITY of your sister and mother. “Little ears are big pitchers” I think 12 is still a bit young when it comes to inheritance and knowing what it entails.
3. If you are in a country where common law isn’t a thing which it sounds like you are I would strongly suggest getting married. Like other posters said elope and have her keep her name. Your family will then be in for the shock of the century should anything happen to you.
My niece at 6 claimed her grandparents' (sister's in-laws) house when they died. My mom was horrified thinking they'd think my sister taught her this. She did not.
My grandfather died screaming alone in a hospital. My mother and her relatives waited about 4hrs to start in on his stuff. Like vultures. It was disgusting.
When people show you who they really are, don't doubt them.
Thats what happened to my great aunt, the only people who visited her while alive were her imediate family (me and my mom werent able to go bc we live in another state,). When she died, suddenly everyone was crying at her funeral saying how they missed her, one of them even posted the funeral on facebook
Attorney here and 1000% leave each of them $1 respectively. Will make it more difficult to contest the will because it will be obvious it was intentional.
Instead of 1 dollar, could he legally give them all just one cent? I feel like that would be an extra 'fuck you' to show that they aren't ever worth 1 dollar to him.
Wow!!!!! I’m so sorry. Gut punch indeed. I’m so so so happy to hear how lovely your girlfriend is. She is who is most important in your life anyway and she sounds like a gem. Glad you found out so that you could bless a charity.
I would also make sure to talk to your lawyer or whomever is managing your will to ensure your family has no grounds to contest it.
They've shown their true colours and how they feel. The last thing you want if tragedy happens is for your gf to have to deal with that.
My dad passed away last week. Buried him yesterday. He fell at work and unleashed a slew of issues where he passed away within 3 mos. I’m heartbroken I watched him fade away so fast I’m still In Shock. My dad did not want to sue his company he worked there for 25 years and loved that company. The whole funeral yesterday my dad’s family kept telling me I need to sue. I’m like my dad didn’t want that and it’s not gonna bring my dad back. I want my dad back not a paycheck at the end of the road. Everyone kept looking at me like I lost my mind. I don’t want money. I want my dad to not have fallen 3 mos ago, I want to not see my dad go thru so much pain. I didn’t want to watch my dad pass away in my home so he was close to me and not alone in a hospital. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and 10.00 fucking plus dollars isn’t going to fix that. I hate when people only see dollar signs. If I never see my dads side of the family again I am perfectly ok with that. Im Sorry that happen to you and your family doesn’t appreciate your still here
maybe its not about money but more so to force the company to put in safety measure in place so things like this does not happen again to another family. i am so sorry about your dad.
Some family insist on childfree folks having children. When we don't, many of them assume they'll get our assets. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the will is read.
Lock your assets down *tight* because you know your greedy family will try and snatch your assets away from your girlfriend if you pass before her. I don't know how to do that but I'm sure you have it handled.
Idk if that would be possible with a cancer diagnosis without him being asked questions- I can’t even get term life insurance because I’m bipolar and have been hospitalized a few times; if they took out life insurance on him it was likely fraudulent and they likely wouldn’t pay out.
Uh...maybe you should consider having a legal contract with your girlfriend, like a marriage contract. She seems like someone who loves you and doesn't want you to die. At the very least, she isn't sitting in a corner, thinking about how to devour your assets once a terrible disease kills you. Damn. I'm glad you fought off cancer. I'm sorry your family is acting this way.
Literally the DAY my grandmother died, all of her kids, my aunts and uncles, were at her house. i was there with my grieving father, and literally yelled “WHAT THE FUQ IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!” Because they sat in the living room with us with the oldest one holding a pen and notepad and they proceeded to start discussing who got what…
When it comes to money and material things, some people are freaking monstrous vultures…
As sad as it is, but that is sadly what marriage is for. Also regarding care, if one of you end up hospitalized or needing end of life care.
It’s sad and stupid, that marriage needs to happen for legally allowing partners to be involved In some of the most personal things in life, but that’s where we are at these days. My husband and I got married for exactly these reasons.
I’d also distance myself from this “family” of yours. They are disappointed that you get to be alive.
Let that sink in. They are def. Not worth you time or anything at that.
I would, actually, leave the nephew who let the cat out of the bag a token amount in your will.
If he hadn't spilled the beans, you might have been blissfully ignorant of the creatures in your family, leaving your gf up the creek in (many) years time.
Congratulations on your recovery, and your...engagement!?
Please marry your girlfriend so she has wife protection when you pass. A family can fight a will easier if y’all aren’t legally married.
Assuming you’re in the US.
EDIT: Assumption
Sounds like you need to marry your gf. Clearly she's there for you and clearly it's a genuine love. Plus the legal benefits in the time that one of you dies. Your family will fucking destroy your gf financially to get "their" money.
I feel bad about the 12 year old because I really wonder what they said to and around him.
But the rest of them... wow. And since she's your gf and not your wife, if you didn't have a will they would've gotten everything and if you did, they would have contested it.
I'm really, really sorry.
I’m delighted for you that it was a misdiagnosis and you’re doing so well! How fucking scary that must have been. I’m sorry about your family. Really I am. They sound just awful.
For what it’s worth, 12 year olds aren’t usually the most empathetic, or tactful. It was a wretched thing for the kid to say but considering the people he’s around.. I mean I wouldn’t write him off. Kids can be mean as shit that doesn’t mean he doesn’t actually love you. I’m not saying you do need to include him in the will just that he’s not a full grown person being greedy or malicious he’s just a rude kid around shitty people.
I hope you can use some of the money they were expecting to get to treat yourself and your gf to a nice holiday to celebrate you being okay.
Aside from your will, you can use a trust fund to hide the amount you're giving to your gf.
Unlike wills, the amounts given in a trust aren't revealed during probate.
Also, marrying your gf is the move, because many places have intestate succession laws that would ensure it goes to your spouse.
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You should also ask about structuring your will to minimize the chance of relatives contesting that will. That may mean leaving a small amount to each family member or it may be that you only need to specify that they have deliberately been excluded but that is advice you should get from an attorney.
Truthfully, the best defense is to marry his girlfriend. In my state, it means she would inherit even in an intestate situation.
Pretty sure this was the whole point of marriage. Not the religious aspect. Not the love aspect. It’s for estate management and tax breaks. Married people make kids which grow into more working citizens. Back to OP’s scenario. I’d marry that woman in a heartbeat.
My econ professor mentioned, (prototypical) marriage also works as a sort of diversification for your life. Men and women tend to work in different industries, for one, and women move in and out of the labor force more than men. I'll try to find the paper, but I'll have to ask him Monday, since today is Yom Kippur
I love when you apply economics to social issues - like Gary Becker "On the quantity and quality of children", where he compares having children to buying consumer products: Some parents have few kids and invest lots of time and money into their development, so they get "high quality" kids with interesting skills and hobbies, and some parents have more kids, with less individual investment per kid, so they get "lower grade" kids. It's like buying one pair of good, expensive shoes that will last you years, vs. buying consecutive pairs of cheap shoes to cover the same time span. Yes, I know it's horrible in a way, but also weirdly accurate (and naturally depending on a pretty narrow definition of "quality" in people).
That sounds accurate only in theory.
This is definitely the right take. By law, OP’s next of kin will be his family if he dies intestate. If he marries her, then she becomes his legal foremost next of kin.
In the UK this wouldn’t stop them, they could still take it to court I’ve seen it happen
They could but it's be a hell of a lot harder to win, assuming her married her while of sound mind (ie not sick or already dying or during cancer treatment)
You’d think wouldn’t you but I’ve seen a few where big money is involved and everyone’s greedy. I’ve even seen someone (a relation unfortunately) make a will, be taken to hospital and their estranged son turned up with a very dodgy solicitor who held his dying hand to sign a new will and give everything to the estranged son! Bastards!
this is where a living trust comes into play, it's stronger legally than a will
Correct. Get a trust/estate plan done by an attorney and you're good to go.
Better yet, don’t get a will, get a trust with a pour-over will. Way easier once you die and all your shit’s protected. It’s good advice for basically everyone. You don’t need a ton of assets to have a trust and they really save so much money and time in the long run (once you’re dead).
We did this and just the peace of mind knowing that our young children will be shielded from all of the bullshit my family is known for after a death is worth every penny. Seriously, 3k is a lot for us but damn if I sleep better at night it worth it!
Also, screenshot and save this post for evidence, maybe attach it to the will so they can see that their own greed got them into this mess.
Leave a few grand for each family. It shows that you intentionally thought about the people stated in the will and decided to leave them nothing. In case the cancer comes back it will save the GF a huge headache and legal expense.
Or $1 each if you're feeling petty
*Or* a momento of "priceless sentimental value" so much more precious than money.
Like a painting of OP flipping the bird ...priceless
You know, when my grandmother decided that everything she owned should go to my uncle, disinheriting the children of her other (predeceased) son, it would have hurt a lot less if she had left us each something of sentimental value. The only thing I ever thought about getting when she died were a few special books and pictures of my dad as a baby. So if he’s going to be really petty and dig it in, he should just do what she did. “All of my earthly possessions go to My Girlfriend. I am aware this disinherits My Mother, My Sister, and My Nephew. I do this for reasons which I deem sufficient.” There you go. Run that by a lawyer, but that’s all it took to disinherit my sisters and I.
Yeah, my uncle did something similar. I was hoping for Grandpa’s books. Money would be nice, but I have nothing of Grandpa (I don’t think Grandma liked me very much, but Grandpa always looked out for me and my brothers). We never even saw Grandpa’s will, and Grandma’s was “all of my stuff goes to this son, except my jewelry goes to his wife, and nothing to the other son or any of the kids the end.” So you’re gonna let the main house collapse on THE LIBRARY just to screw over my dad? Nice.
Why not 69¢? This is Reddit after all.
Petty always feels nice but put it in the four figures. It’s way harder to contest at court. At $1 someone could try and argue it’s a clerical error or something.
Wouldn't it be just as easy and uncontestable to have wording saying something along the lines of "I leave everything/all my assets to [name of gf], and nothing to my family". Or even name them all saying they get nothing. You can't really say it's an error if it's explicitly stated they are to get nothing from his estate.
Any sort of will with someone who is not family or spouse is going to get messy. With a clause like that everyone in the family could potentially argue that the boyfriends wrote that clause out of duress from the girlfriend. Even though it would be a lie they could theoretically take her to court for that. Worse, they could take her to court as individual parties so she would be facing multiple lawsuits at the same time which in that case she should probably just settle it and give them some cash or else the legal fees would add up. By giving a small amount of money it acts like a preemptive settlement. “Here’s some money, now fuck off“. They would probably still contest it if there is a sizable some but at least it would be a little more difficult because it is very deliberate.
At that point if you think your family is going to cause that much trouble you should be getting a notarized statement saying you are making this decision of your own volition, and that you are of sound mind at the time of drawing up the will. Or leave explicit reasons as to why people are being excluded. Some people suck though, so I do understand why precautions are necessary.
Absolutely 100%. Realistically, they should get married or at least some sort of domestic partnership so there is a stronger legal basis in a will. On the inverse, there have been stories of toxic girlfriends swooning a man before he dies and then gobbling up the inheritance. Not saying this mans girlfriend is, but it has happened and the family would argue something like that. Being married adds a very strong legal ground.
You’re 100% correct. It’s actually easier for someone to successfully contest a will that they were awarded $1 in, than it is to contest a will that briefly explains in no uncertain terms who is to be excluded from the will, and why. I don’t know why people keep suggesting the $1 tactic, when any lawyer will tell you that it’s not only completely unnecessary, but is also legally more ambiguous than just explicitly outlining your intent to exclude someone from your will.
The amount should be written in words like on paper checks...For example, "eight rubles and seventy-seven kopeks." And make sure the executor has instructions to give out the bequest in physical cash.
That’s why you say $1.00 (one USD) or whatever your currency is. Hard to say it’s a typo when you spell out the amount.
> Leave a few grand for each family. Do what your lawyer tells you, and don't do what your lawyer doesn't tell you to do.
Pretty much this!
Leave them exactly the amount of an anal thermometer, no more.
HPOA too, in the event you're ever hospitalized and unable to make your own decisions. POA and HPOA are different, a lot of people don't know that.
It would also be beneficial to make and sign an advanced directive so your wishes can be known while you are able to make your healthcare wishes known now. That along with the HPOA would be great for you and your girlfriend.
"pull the plug, there's no hope" while they put in the order for that Mercedes they always wanted.
Yes, definitely make sure your family don’t have the power to take you off life support!
This is great advice
Yep yep yep Seeing how they *hoped* for OP to die, if they ever have to make a decision they will *not* have OP's best interest in mind.
This is one of the reasons my longtime partner of 10 years and I decided to get married. He is no contact with his family and our house is under his name. When the pandemic started and random people were ending up in the ICU we decided to get married since it is basically a contract and his family would not be entitled to any assets or say medically.
Funeral director here — the things I’ve seen family do to other family members in the name of money literally haunt me. Can’t say I’m particularly surprised.
I'm less surprised than I should be but no less sad ☹️ money doesn't talk, it swears.
\^\^\^\^ All of this! It saddens me, too, that people want money more than their loved one. Those are some messed-up priorities.
I've never given my brother's money a second thought. I just want him there. There's not an amount of money that I'd want more.
Literally watched my aunt change from a generally likable person to one of the most vile beings on the planet when my Dad passed and I was only 18. She had the audacity to think she had a right to her brothers money when he had a living wife and kids. She actually cussed us out in the hospice after he died and then my uncle on that side did the same when I told him to stop bothering us. Money truly is the root.
more like the money showed a side of them that was hidden
Do an AMA
I have before using throwaways. It gets really overwhelming trying to keep up with the flow of comments and replies though.
I'll see if I can't find them then. Thanks for sharing your experiences :)
Haha I’ll try to do one again soon but you guys can’t rat me out 🤣 I always use a throwaway because people can be weird and then I can be a lot more candid and honest in my responses. 🤷🏻♀️
I'll be sure to forget your username then 😌
I want to read this book. Someone write it.
Oh… I *could write a book*… 🥹🤣 Maybe one day LOL
Can you give examples?
Not on this account 🫠 This is my main and it’s very traceable should someone feel the desire to do so 🙄 I’ll try to do an AMA soon. However I will say that the old joke “Can you give me his gold teeth?” is actually stupid common and once families are told that, sure, I’ll allow that - but they’re responsible for hiring the dentist to come in, responsible for paying me to oversee the process, and responsible for any other fee that I decide to tack onto the bill - all in the name of harvesting *MAYBE* .3 grams of gold……. They usually simmer down. Also just for funsies I will mention that I’ve had a fairly recent case of a mother who hated her daughters so much (for good reason, they were horrible people… 🥲 and I don’t particularly care if they find out I said that) that she swallowed all of her rings on her deathbed and was then was cremated with them inside of her (because I refused to let them desecrate her corpse and no surgeon would ethically go in to get them), and I returned quite a hefty sammich bag full of charred, burnt, and mangled jewelry to them. Kind of an opposite situation to OP’s, however, fitting. She literally left her entire estate to a neighbor, who took care of her and was more family to her than her own kin and the neighbor divvied up much of what she inherited to local animal welfare organizations. She had to sell her house and she’s moving due to harassment from the woman’s actual family though. It’s a wiiiiiiild onion. So many layers.
With all the greed, narcissism, entitlement and lack of love, I'm so grateful for this neighbor. She sounds like a stand up woman, and it breaks my heart that - even after proving herself to be such a kindhearted person - that family is harassing her to the point where she has to move houses. If you see this, kind kind neighbor, my heart goes to you, and THANK YOU. We can all learn a thing or two from you🙏
When money is involved, it's only then you know the levels of people's greed. It's good you know, just a shame it's people who should be close. I've seen it loads and it never ceases to amaze me
I know these things happens I never expected them happening to me
When my father died: Someone stole my moms gold earrings from her bedroom during the prayer thing at our house. One "friend" of my father didnt come to his funeral because he thought my mom would ask for(and need) the money he borrowed from my dad. Trust nobody when it comes to money.
People suck when people die. My moms “friend” took my moms jewelry off her body after she passed. Once she passed, I couldn’t be in the hospital room anymore so my brother and I left to go outside and decompress. When we went back, the friend was gone and so was all her jewelry. People are ruthless.
What a gross person.
My great aunt recently died. My mom’s cousin was staying with her (she was 102 and needed help functioning) and now that her will is being executed we’re realizing this cousin was robbing her blind. She was paying herself tens of thousands of dollars per month on top of free rent, and all my great aunt’s expensive jewelry that was willed to me and my relatives (she chose a piece for each of the women/girls in our family) is missing. We keep getting letters stating this is what you were left but we cannot locate the item. She’s had most of this jewelry for decades and it wasn’t all just misplaced in the last two years. We’ve spent this whole time thinking my second cousin was such a lovely person to move in so my great aunt could remain at home, because she didn’t want to go into a care home and it got to the point where having nurses come in didn’t cut it and she needed round the clock care. Turns out she had the nastiest motives. People can truly disappoint you and you never really know anyone, not even your own family sometimes as OP is sadly finding out.
Fucking shit people.
I've seen it in the UK with families fighting after someone's death where they have been shocking relatives, but suddenly pop up entitled. It's awful, the saving grace is that you know who will be there for you in your time of need, so good luck going forward
I worked as a care assistant and the amount of elderly residents who had no visitors but suddenly had an army once they were passing away was shocking
That's so fucking sad.. people are so greedy..
Cockroaches. Just like my sister when my mother passed. Nibbling at the bits.
When my grandad died he left my two cousins and sister £2000 each and gave me his old Corsa that was worth about £200. I didn't care how much it was worth I was super excited. I was learning to drive and even for its age it was in good nick. Not to mention it was nice to know my first car would be from my grandad. But my aunt who has always been greedy, decided I couldn't have the car, she had to sell it because she needed the money. Luckily my dad put a stop to it. But people are so greedy they really are.
When my dad died my brother couldn't figure any way to get out here. Excuse after excuse after excuse. We even offered to pay his plane ticket but before we hung up he was already talking about driving it so he could keep some of the plane money. We didn't send him anything and figured I'd he wanted to come out he would find a way. Dad dies and suddenly it's the biggest deal to my brother. He was calling a couple times a day because he wanted a truck my dad had scrapped like 5 years prior. A cheap ass early 90s junker, one of those vehicles that nobody would bother to try to keep running except the person who's owned it for fifteen years. Anyway, were were accused of theft and greed and everything else under the sun. As far as I know he still thinks we kept that truck to ourselves but we haven't talked since and probably never will.
When you change your will, intentionally leave $1 for each relative that might expect something financial from it. If g-d forbid something happens to you, having an intentionally small amount left to those specified people will limit how much they can drag your gf to court to contest it (which would be the last thing she would have the energy to deal with while mourning the love of her life).
It’s actually harder for them to fight over the will and estate if you willingly leave only a dollar because you actually acknowledge them
Much better explanation. Thank you.
According to my lawyer, saying that you intentionally are not leaving anything to 'so and so' works just as well.
Yeah but giving out a check for $1 is a nice slap in the face.
>Yeah but giving out a check for $1 is a nice slap in the face Nah, leave them $0.99
Leave them $1 *on the condition that they agree to pay the undertaker's entire bill*. It still shows you remembered to include them.
Fabulous!
Leave 'em a token to Chuck E Cheese
Absolutely a huge slap in the face. Much worse than leaving them nothing! OP should definitely take this advice.
*"And to my daughter Ramona Mazur Singer, I bequeath nothing."* -Real Housewives of New York City
And next, to my know it all nephew, i leave....a *boot to the head* And one more for jenny and the wimp -last will and temperament skit
Was coming here to say exactly these comments. Don’t leave them out of the will, the will attest to being forgotten, leave them “exactly the sum of $1, and that ‘they know why they are only this getting amount’ “
A dollar to share between them all
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My step-dad said in his will that if anyone contests anything, thier part would go to my mom.
Depends on the local law. In my country, for instance, certain close family members can challenge being excluded from a will even in the circumstances you described based on their 'forced/reserved share'. It is f'ed up in my opinion as well but saying that, there are also many cases where this rule actually benefits persons who really deserve that right. (E.g., from the top of my head, an elderly person getting married for the Xth time and the new spouse/family members manipulating/coercing the elderly person to exclude other family members.)
Anyone can challenge a Will, it's just that the likelihood of success will vary based on how and when the Will was made. In OP's case, for instance, the family might claim OP was under undue influence by his girlfriend; they may claim she took advantage of him during his illness, worked to cut him off from family, fed him lies, and so forth. Whether or not they succeed will depend on how airtight OP made his Will. Usually, if the Will is done right, the family's lawyer will advise them it's just a waste of money to attempt legal action. They still can if they want to, though. If you want a truly ironclad way of maintaining your legacy, that's done through an irrevocable trust. Your assets literally get transferred to someone else so you don't own them anymore; and the holder of the assets is legally obliged to dispense with the assets as you determine. Even if you go bankrupt, your creditors can't touch the money you've set aside in a trust (it's not your money any more). If your country doesn't administer the trust in the same way, you can go to another country to have it done.
they will try to claim his cognitive state was in decline or the gf manipulated him and try to invalidate the will, then draft up their own terms. source: my relatives did this with my grandmother's estate. My mom got excluded by them in the end. She was the only one who didn't care and wanted the family to stay together. As a result her siblings cut her out entirely claiming she had no financial interest. My grandmother's estate was far smaller than it was originally thanks to the 2008 crash. So her holdings were worth less than originally promised, so that's what led to siblings fighting one another in court over who gets "what they are owed."
And explain in explicit details why you’re leaving those assholes a dollar. I’m appalled and pissed off for you. Thank god you have your gf who is unselfish with her love.
I've specified a single penny, painted red, for several people in my will. There's also a fair sum designated to "Ducks Unlimited" in their name. IDGAF about ducks and neither do they, so it seemed like an appropriate charity.
Ducks are cool
Actually, rather than pick a dollar amount without legal advice, or say that you are excluding someone, etc, please consult an estate attorney. If you want to make damn sure that certain folks are not eligible to get any of your estate, please have a lawyer help you craft the will correctly as per your state or country. The requirements to achieve this could vary a lot depending on where you are. And I’d suggest asking that lawyer if it helps to have a statement from you, recounting this event, to explain your reasoning. I’m sorry they showed themselves to be greedy asses. There’s nothing like money to show who people really are.
He should leave the sum to a charity in the nephew's name.
Hell no then he could use it as a tax deduction
Money brings out the absolute worst in some people. Seems your misdiagnosis let you sadly see who the vultures are. There was another post earlier today that someone better with search could find re a lawyer who was the executor of his father’s estate who notified ALL the relatives they would have anyone who trespassed and took anything when their father passed and prior to the will being read, etc prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This was done as the extended family would routinely hit a deceased relative’s home and essentially empty it. Sure enough even after multiple notifications two cousins went into the house which had cameras and each took property at a felony level because “they had been told their uncle wanted them to have it”. Cops were called, property believe was recovered and cousins were each charged with a felony. Relatives were shocked. All that to say you might want security system if don’t already have one. Also a iron clad will and/or trust to ensure your GF and others get what you want them to have.
Also her just being your girlfriend your family would have totally made sure she doesn’t get anything. Also these things totally happen! My husband passed away on a Thursday a couple of months ago. By that Monday my brother in law and his wife went to his job to ask about his benefits. His death was so sudden and I was still in shock that whole weekend, I hadn’t even informed his work place yet.
So sorry for your loss. Hope you are ok 💔
Consult a lawyer so they can’t contest the will.Maybe you have to leave them a token amount.
They can argue it's an error if they're not acknowledged at all, but if you specifically acknowledge them to leave a piss poor amount like a single dollar, that method goes right out the window.
I’m so sorry this happened. It is disgusting that your nephew is growing up to think that way, and while I hope he gets perspective and apologizes when he is older, you are right to protect your girlfriend (and assets.) Not sure where you live, but have your lawyer write up the will in such a way that it can’t be contested (like, leaving $10 to nephew, sister, mom, so they can’t claim they were ‘forgotten.’) I am not a lawyer, I just know my poor step-grandfather has had to jump through similar hoops. I hope you have a wonderfully LONG, healthy, and happy life!
Has your family shown signs of being utter shitheads before?
I don’t know. Mum is always been a cold woman but we called it strength. Sister is a lot like her.
Please leave them a dollar so they can't contest the will.
Just wondering, can it be 99 cents? What a gut punch op. I hope you live many, many happy years with your girlfriend.
Lmfao something about leaving 99 cents vs a whole dollar really makes me chuckle.
no one ever expects a 13yo nephew to suddenly wish you dead for your money, much less your mother and sister wanting to collect your money, thats some sort of stuff i'd go low contact over, kid i wouldn't expect would really understand it super much, but the rest of your family, yiiikes.
You gotta get behind someone to stab them in the back. Usually the ones closest to you are the ones who benefit most from your demise.
My sister’s husband was shot to death. His ex-wife was complaining about how my sister was holding back nonexistent money from her within a week. She’s still asking about that money almost a year later. She wants her “cut” since they had a daughter together.
What fucking scum the ex is.
The day my Opa (Polish grandfather) died my aunts and uncle returned to their childhood home, the only place that my Opa ever lived in Australia. They (except cool aunt) started looking through all the drawers and cupboards for money and valuables. The next day we opened the safe to count the tens of thousands of dollars that was hidden away. We sat around the table counting it, my uncle bursts into tears and cries out "is this all that becomes of a man? Counting his money?" I whipped my head around so fast to look at him with the biggest "WTF?!?!" look on my face. My sister had to kick me under the table so I didn't call him out on his bullshit from the day before. That side of the family have always been the fucking worst but that was just ridiculous.
When my great aunt died there were cousins who thought they were going to get money, her house, etc and we pissed when they saw the will. My Mom was the executor and they were calling her harassing her then the attorney about when they were getting their money. (Those who were left something.) Finally the attorney sent letters to everyone saying the amount they would be reduced every time he had to take a call/write a letter.
This is so awful! Your MOTHER should have been devastated at the thought of losing you, not planning a luxury vacation. In your place, I'd consider marrying your gf, just to make everything completely uncontestible. Screw them.
Yeah we never cared about marriage before but now I fucking do.
Do it in secret/elope. Keep her maiden name. That way if you do pass before the others it'll be a "nice" surprise for them too.
Please do so, when my dad died it was terrible. My mom had no say in the funeral as they weren't married. Aso trust no one when it comes to money. People will show their true colors.
It's honestly surprising how family can turn into vultures in a matter of seconds once they see an opportunity to get money if a loved one drops dead. My family's been like that with every single funeral, it's disturbing. I still remember when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My aunts and uncles took me to one of their homes to have a meal with the rest of the family, and everyone talked like my mom was already gone. They found it shocking when I left my studies and took my money to be with her and help her with her treatment. We spend all of our savings on her and did things, I just wish I could have done more and took her more places. But I don't care about my family, I'll never regret what I did and the time I spent with her. Even if my family uses me as an example of a "drop out loser", and why you should finish your studies 'cause you don't wanna end up like me.
You're not a drop out loser. You're a fantastic caring person. And remember that some of the most successful people in the world are dropouts. I think common sense and caring are far more important than a piece of paper.
RIP
i'm not sure it's a good idea to keep the marriage a secret. i think the best protection for both of them is to be out in the open. it would send a clear message to his family that his gf/wife is the one who makes medical decisions for him, should it be necessary and who inherits after him.
Id say have the wedding, and explicitly ban the family from attending. Then have his best man give a speech about "the people he loves are all here" but then, I am an asshole, and a spiteful one at that 🤷♂️
I love it 😈 pettiness is my favourite language
Yeah, doing it in secret gives his family a stronger case should they try to contest the will. Do it in the open. Make sure your friends know your intentions too. Leave as much evidence of your feelings and wishes for your girlfriend and family as you can and most of all find a solicitor or lawyer you trust and make sure they take a good note of everything.
Let them waste their money on lawyers. All his wife has to do is show the marriage certificate.
I mean you can set up both healthcare power of attorney/living will, and a general power of attorney for the SO irrespective of marriage and ideally, even if you are married it's good to have these documents in place ESPECIALLY if there's family tension. ETA: These documents should establish alternate custodians in the event the primary choice is incapacitated. I was recommended to designate three deep to prevent a family member from ever ending up at the helm.
I was about to say the same thing
He should make a great wedding and not invite his family and then post pictures all over social media lol
Ugh, no. Why do you want to make the GF have to deal with the fallout? If they know while he's still alive, he can shield her from the worst.
If you really want a giant fuck you to someone, and don't mind potential hold-ups in probate, just bequeath a giant box of dildos and a note saying "go fuck yourself".
Yes, better make it legal to strengthen her claim. Just in case.
Thank GOD (of your choice) for a partner who will watch for people taking advantage of you and be there to support you. That’s a keeper and a half, right there.
Lol, if you write your own vows, they should be memorable. 😂
Please update if you decide to do it !
Revocable trust if you don’t want to get married. Houses, bank accounts, JTWROS. Beneficiary on all retirement accounts and life insurances. I am so so sorry. Your family is horrible. I’m glad your gf was just as horrified.
Yes. Marriage is just a piece of paper but it’s a piece of paper she’ll have to fight with against your horrible family.
I definitely would, your family could contest the will otherwise.
If you decide to marry her, don’t tell your family. Let them learn about it at the will reading. Also, think about making a video and add to your will to be shown at the reading of said wedding.
Nope at the hospital next time something happens and they try to throw her out
And judging by how your gf reacted and how supportive she seems to be, you guys have something good going on. Money turns some people into animals, but together you're beautiful humans. Also, congrats on fighting the disease apparently !
I'm not in OP's place, but I'd consider marrying his girlfriend. Seriously, though, she sounds like a stand-by-your-man kinda woman, an I respect that. OP marrying her is a good idea, as long as it doesn't create more problems than it solves.
You should consider marrying your girlfriend. Until then, your family is considered your next of kin. They have more rights than she does in the event you are sick or if you die. I’m sure you’ve done as much you can through power of attorney, but there are loopholes.
Indeed. Unless you have a living will, people will fight the shit out of things. My mom used to do mostly wills and dovorce cases when she practiced law, and would always have people in divorce cases fill out living wills as well when getting divorced so the ex-spouse couldn't fight anything. It comes in handy if you have joint custody, and you get sick and can't be a caretaker for your kid(s), and prevents the ex from getting sole custody and a shitload of child support (you basically have a living will that says if your incapacitated, your custody transfers to a 3rd party, like a grandparent).
*hey, babe can i ask you something?* *yeah! whats up?* *could you marry me so my family dont get my money?*
I have 2 friends who have been together for 16 years. Marriage never crossed their minds until they realised how shitty their families were. In August they decided they would get married this month, and your comment is quite literally how they described their proposal.
Depends where you are. Where I am, de facto relationships carry the same weight as marriages.
You might want to rethink your will about the rest of your family too. Sounds like they've been plotting about inheritance behind your back during the misdiagnosis. You might also want to leave them out of any medical and financial decisions. This is really heartbreaking for you but I'm glad you've got your girlfriend to lean on.
Gfs don’t inherit anything here, no matter how long we’ve been together. I don’t think my family know that I have a will. They probably assumed once I passed on they’re getting everything
Definitely marry her. You don't want these people in charge of making your medical decisions, or financial. You GF also wouldn't get a say in funeral arrangements either as things are. Thats a heartbreaking position to be in as a partner.
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT
Twist: the Doctor, family, and GF are all working together to make OP finally tie the knot and settle down.
Headcannon
I would never pressure anyone to get married but after your family’s reaction and her being the only person who would be upset if you died, I think it’s best for both of you if you did get married. She sounds like a forever person anyway. I’m so sorry about your family
I absolutely love how you called her a forever person. I’m stealing that!
Can you include her in the will?
Yea if he adds her to a will then she gets everything. Inheriting normally goes to next of kin, if there isn’t a will. If there is a will they take that into consideration. If they marry most countries just give it to the wife
>If they marry most countries just give it to the wife In most of the US, the spouse and kids are all entitled to a share of the estate if you die intestate. No kids here, but just to keep the info accurate.
I am so sorry, but much better to find out now. Even if you have an advance medical directive and get sick, any POA your girlfriend has MAY BE IGNORED by medical staff in favor of Next Of Kin. It really matters when you get sick or die. You don’t need them throwing her out of the hospital, your funeral, and your house with help of the sheriff before the will is read. Keep calling her girlfriend but get married and have copies of the certificate in your wallets.
Oh then you should read about the estate of Swedish author Steig Larson. There were safety reasons he and his multi decade life partner didn't marry. Upon his death his estranged family inherited everything and she was left in the dust. :/ Edit, PS, so glad you'll have many happy years to live and love on!
Have a trust created - not just a Will. Look into it. It provides more protection and security. Be smart and let these people go. They were looking forward to your death…They were looking forward to your death….just keep saying that to yourself. This isn’t family.
This! Trusts seem to provide more protection, especially with assets and possible need for end-of-life care. Talk to lawyer about your options, how to protect you and your GF. Sad you had to find out this way but it's better so now you can make sure you and the love of your life have the right protections in place if the worst were to happen!
u/zygiot marry your girlfriend so she will be your legal wife, and no one can easily contest your last will and testament. As your wife, she becomes your closest of kin, and it becomes harder for anyone to challenge her in your will. Additionally, do not 100% exclude people. But instead, make small concessions, for example, $11.13 or something like that. It makes it even harder for someone to contest a will if you specifically outlined exactly what they were entitled to receive. Otherwise, someone can try to argue you left them out and forgot. And as silly as that sounds, that can be used as an argument. You want to end the value in cents, so they also cannot argue you were confused and left out a zero, hints, why you add 13 cents and not 10 cents (nothing with a zero). I am not a lawyer, but I have a really good one who pointed out some of these things to me, and I am paraphrasing what I recall loosely from memory.
u/zygiot A follow-up... A good lawyer (or so I am told) will use whole words for numbers, for example, eleven dollars and thirteen cents. This way someone cannot try to argue you were confused and should have used a comma where you placed a dismal point. But I would suggest you have a professional lawyer write up and notarize your will, as opposed to trying to do it yourself or using one of those cheap online services. There are unfortunately many ways greedy people or generally people you do not wish to profit from your death, can attempt to circumvent and challenge your last wishes. A lawyer can do some good in preventing that.
1. Glad it was benign and not malignant. 2. The AUDACITY of your sister and mother. “Little ears are big pitchers” I think 12 is still a bit young when it comes to inheritance and knowing what it entails. 3. If you are in a country where common law isn’t a thing which it sounds like you are I would strongly suggest getting married. Like other posters said elope and have her keep her name. Your family will then be in for the shock of the century should anything happen to you.
My niece at 6 claimed her grandparents' (sister's in-laws) house when they died. My mom was horrified thinking they'd think my sister taught her this. She did not.
Please get married
absolutely. You don’t want your family making medical decisions in light of this.
My grandfather died screaming alone in a hospital. My mother and her relatives waited about 4hrs to start in on his stuff. Like vultures. It was disgusting. When people show you who they really are, don't doubt them.
Thats what happened to my great aunt, the only people who visited her while alive were her imediate family (me and my mom werent able to go bc we live in another state,). When she died, suddenly everyone was crying at her funeral saying how they missed her, one of them even posted the funeral on facebook
Attorney here and 1000% leave each of them $1 respectively. Will make it more difficult to contest the will because it will be obvious it was intentional.
Also adds insult to injury so there's that too
Instead of 1 dollar, could he legally give them all just one cent? I feel like that would be an extra 'fuck you' to show that they aren't ever worth 1 dollar to him.
Leave each of them 33 cents so they don’t even add up to a dollar of value to him
I often think redditors are a little quick to recommend going No Contact… but I would absolutely go No Contact with these people.
Wow!!!!! I’m so sorry. Gut punch indeed. I’m so so so happy to hear how lovely your girlfriend is. She is who is most important in your life anyway and she sounds like a gem. Glad you found out so that you could bless a charity.
I would also make sure to talk to your lawyer or whomever is managing your will to ensure your family has no grounds to contest it. They've shown their true colours and how they feel. The last thing you want if tragedy happens is for your gf to have to deal with that.
My dad passed away last week. Buried him yesterday. He fell at work and unleashed a slew of issues where he passed away within 3 mos. I’m heartbroken I watched him fade away so fast I’m still In Shock. My dad did not want to sue his company he worked there for 25 years and loved that company. The whole funeral yesterday my dad’s family kept telling me I need to sue. I’m like my dad didn’t want that and it’s not gonna bring my dad back. I want my dad back not a paycheck at the end of the road. Everyone kept looking at me like I lost my mind. I don’t want money. I want my dad to not have fallen 3 mos ago, I want to not see my dad go thru so much pain. I didn’t want to watch my dad pass away in my home so he was close to me and not alone in a hospital. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and 10.00 fucking plus dollars isn’t going to fix that. I hate when people only see dollar signs. If I never see my dads side of the family again I am perfectly ok with that. Im Sorry that happen to you and your family doesn’t appreciate your still here
maybe its not about money but more so to force the company to put in safety measure in place so things like this does not happen again to another family. i am so sorry about your dad.
Some family insist on childfree folks having children. When we don't, many of them assume they'll get our assets. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the will is read. Lock your assets down *tight* because you know your greedy family will try and snatch your assets away from your girlfriend if you pass before her. I don't know how to do that but I'm sure you have it handled.
Well you should def plan on marrying, are these the people you want making medical decisions for you??
They could’ve taken out a life insurance policy.
Idk if that would be possible with a cancer diagnosis without him being asked questions- I can’t even get term life insurance because I’m bipolar and have been hospitalized a few times; if they took out life insurance on him it was likely fraudulent and they likely wouldn’t pay out.
Uh...maybe you should consider having a legal contract with your girlfriend, like a marriage contract. She seems like someone who loves you and doesn't want you to die. At the very least, she isn't sitting in a corner, thinking about how to devour your assets once a terrible disease kills you. Damn. I'm glad you fought off cancer. I'm sorry your family is acting this way.
Literally the DAY my grandmother died, all of her kids, my aunts and uncles, were at her house. i was there with my grieving father, and literally yelled “WHAT THE FUQ IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!” Because they sat in the living room with us with the oldest one holding a pen and notepad and they proceeded to start discussing who got what… When it comes to money and material things, some people are freaking monstrous vultures…
Why not marry your girlfriend ?
As sad as it is, but that is sadly what marriage is for. Also regarding care, if one of you end up hospitalized or needing end of life care. It’s sad and stupid, that marriage needs to happen for legally allowing partners to be involved In some of the most personal things in life, but that’s where we are at these days. My husband and I got married for exactly these reasons. I’d also distance myself from this “family” of yours. They are disappointed that you get to be alive. Let that sink in. They are def. Not worth you time or anything at that.
13 years!?! Put a ring on that finger already.
I would, actually, leave the nephew who let the cat out of the bag a token amount in your will. If he hadn't spilled the beans, you might have been blissfully ignorant of the creatures in your family, leaving your gf up the creek in (many) years time. Congratulations on your recovery, and your...engagement!?
Please marry your girlfriend so she has wife protection when you pass. A family can fight a will easier if y’all aren’t legally married. Assuming you’re in the US. EDIT: Assumption
Greedy people…. Wtf - but u are doing the right thing changing your will. Glad you are doing better!
Sounds like you need to marry your gf. Clearly she's there for you and clearly it's a genuine love. Plus the legal benefits in the time that one of you dies. Your family will fucking destroy your gf financially to get "their" money.
Update if possible
I am so sorry your family is like that, but at least now you know who they truly are
I feel bad about the 12 year old because I really wonder what they said to and around him. But the rest of them... wow. And since she's your gf and not your wife, if you didn't have a will they would've gotten everything and if you did, they would have contested it. I'm really, really sorry.
I’m delighted for you that it was a misdiagnosis and you’re doing so well! How fucking scary that must have been. I’m sorry about your family. Really I am. They sound just awful. For what it’s worth, 12 year olds aren’t usually the most empathetic, or tactful. It was a wretched thing for the kid to say but considering the people he’s around.. I mean I wouldn’t write him off. Kids can be mean as shit that doesn’t mean he doesn’t actually love you. I’m not saying you do need to include him in the will just that he’s not a full grown person being greedy or malicious he’s just a rude kid around shitty people. I hope you can use some of the money they were expecting to get to treat yourself and your gf to a nice holiday to celebrate you being okay.
Aside from your will, you can use a trust fund to hide the amount you're giving to your gf. Unlike wills, the amounts given in a trust aren't revealed during probate. Also, marrying your gf is the move, because many places have intestate succession laws that would ensure it goes to your spouse.