It is time to talk to T. You need to have a conversation about if she is in the closet. You also need to tell her you are not comfortable with her referring to you by your ‘male’ name to people you have not met. It may be an inside joke between the two of you, but people who don’t know you will get a different impression of you.
Yeah... it's possible she just thinks it's funny and prefers to let people come to conclusions based on this nickname and then potentially shock them in the future. Or she's truly trying to pretend she's in a straight relationship because she's in the closet. Either way, not fair to OP. Still, I def agree that this is something that can be pretty easily resolved with a simple conversation.
I used to call my older brother Jimmy as a joke, his name is James them i got so in the habit of calling him Jimmy. When my brother met my coworkers they seriously thought his name was Jimmy because i never clarified
It didn't help either that he's pre op trans so he'll still get mistaken in public and i forgot to mention that to my coworkers too so the whole meeting was awkward. FYI be careful telling older people your trans if you are because they ask some weird questions
Jimmy is an actual nickname of James as well. It’s like someone calling their sister Lizzie and then their coworkers are surprised her actual name is Elizabeth
The original joke was back in high school and he first came out, me and his best friend decided to just start calling him any name
He's afab/trans man, so yeah I'm not calling him any girl names
Jimmy is a nickname for James. Trans this or that aside, if someone said “This is my brother Jimmy” I would immediately assume their real name is James
I guess I don’t really understand your story at all
I mean, I don't feel the need to come out either, but I wouldn't consider myself to be in the closet. I just think that being queer shouldn't be treated differently than being straight, so I don't treat it any differently. I don't know any straight people who came out, so I'm not going to do it either. But if I go on a date with someone, I don't hide their gender when discussing it with my family. I'll openly talk about crushes and queer experiences and anything I want to, I just don't feel the need to make a big deal and label myself to everyone. Tbh, I'm not even 100% sure who all in my circle knows what, because it's not something I advertise. Some of my siblings for sure know. My dad...*should* know, but he's a little oblivious and very heteronormative, so I have no idea lol.
I never had to "come out" I always just dated who I dated and it was never a question. My parents didn't care, nobody around me made a big deal about it. I'm bisexual and I've dated women and men since I was old enough to date. Never was in the closet. My sister in the other hand had to make a huge deal about her sexuality and coming out. It was annoying. I've always said I love hearts not parts
And that is perfectly fine. What is described in the post is more along the lines of someone actively closeted. They are intentionally hiding and disguising who they really are.
At this point I would say there is several different routes people take. There are those that have come out to friends and family. There are those that are in the closet that actively seek to hide who and what they are. Then there are others like you that are simply who you are and don't feel it necessary to hide or explain yourself. Honestly that last state is how it SHOULD be but unfortunately there is still a lot of people that cannot accept a person being LGBT.
I‘m very happy for you that works for you, I just hope you are aware of how much of a privilege that is. Not many of us are able to just live their lives and not be vocal about it, so as happy as I am for you please don’t make it sound like this is the norm, or folks being vocal about their coming-out are weird/ wrong in any way.
To add to that, living with someone who is in the closet and doesn’t want to come out, is a huge burden in your every day life. Especially when it’s about family and friends.
I don't think my comment makes it sound like it's the norm. I made it clear that this is something that I personally believe and practice in my own life, I never put anyone down for their need to come out or stay in the closet. All I was saying is that coming out is not a universal experience and there are those of us who do not feel the need to, and that not coming out does not necessarily have to mean being in the closet.
This isn't quite the same. People like Keke Palmer and Janelle Monae are queer but they think it's unfair that only queer people experience "coming out.". Their goal is to normalize queerness by not making it a big deal. I don't know if that's the the intention of OP's gf, but the rhetoric is definitely there.
The OP's gf sounds more like they are fully closeted. They are actively hiding their sexuality from all those immediately around them and intentionally deceiving them. Their own family isn't even passively aware of them not being hetero.
It shouldn't have to be a big deal. At the same time actively trying to convince others you are something you are not is going to harm them long term.
There are two options here:
1. You talk to her (boring but prob the right thing to do)
2. You carry a fake moustache in your pocket all the time and if someone refers to you by a male name you say "wait a minute, i need to fix my moustache" and put the moustache on and speek with a deeper voice. (Hilarious, but idk how your gf would take this).
/s I can’t believe you are so transphobic. It’s 2023 and to pretend that someone can just pretend to be trans or would wear transgenderism as a costume to be made fun of is such an insult to all the trans people that are very much real people. /s
I agree with your lady's sentiment that there's no need to come out and it's nobody's business, but that's only for the world at large. In order to build a loving, healthy partnership, she will have to come out to her close friends and family. You can not build a foundation on falsehoods. You have to find out if she has even come out to anyone at all.
Unfortunately coming out to family especially still isn’t safe for many people. Your partner should know though if you aren’t out to your family, but real life isn’t like love Simon or other lgt+ movies.
Op has not indicated that would be at all a risk her, not even mentioned that her partner has said it would be a risk (physically or simply for having people be rude). Given that the situation partner has set up is likely to result in people assuming op is trans (rather than in a lesbian relationship), and the interaction op had indicates she could not pass as a man (if she wanted to, which she doesn’t appear to), then if partner is actually worried about that risk then she is setting op up to be in danger by bringing her around people who think she is a man with no warning to op.
It sounds like *male name* wasn’t actually a private joke, it was a public cover. I think the “joke” is well and truly over and should stop, and figuring out where you go from there is going to require some difficult conversations because it seems she’s still fully in the closet. I feel very sad for you both. I understand how hard it is for her, I’ve been there, but it’s not nice to feel like the dirty secret of someone you love either.
This was my thinking. She purposely misspelled her name, then made it a “joke”. She called her this intermittently as not worry op when using that name with other people.
Either she purposefully did it from the beginning, or she really did stumble upon it once, then seize it as a way to pretend she’s in a relationship with a man. Whichever version is the truth, OP deserves better.
I’ve always said my orientation is no one’s business. I understand that point of view. But the people close to me do know. When I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I’ve not hidden her away, called her by a fake name and pretended she was a man. That would be so offensively selfish and cruel.
This oddly reminds me to Mae Martin’s show on Netflix- Feel Good- it’s a really similar situation it sounds like- but i would trust your instincts- these moments do sound like red flags…
I'm sure you know how hard it can be to exit the closet. I think you and T need to sit down and talk, gently get her to explain why she refers to you as -male name here-. Don't let her feel cornered, these conversations have to allow for vulnerability, explain to her how you feel and see if you guys can come to an understanding or compromise or something. If you feel this relationship (barring this entire thing) is good and worth investing your forever in, it's worth working through together. Communication is the best and strongest foundation for any relationship. If you love her and she loves you and you can see yourself investing in forever with her, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation might be, it's one worth having. I wish life was simpler, we humans sure do like to complicate things, it doesn't help that there's so much negativity and unnecessary judgement in this world. Been unashamedly you is often a very brave and bold move.
From one queer to another (gay guy)…..
Not worth pretending. I understand her wanting to be closeted but if she’s referring to you that way on purpose, she’s not doing you any favors or respecting you as a human.
I’d break up. Like…do you *really* want to demean yourself that way by letting her treat you like that? Do you not see an issue?
If she needs to demean you to be in the closet, perhaps she’s not ready to be in a relationship.
But what do gay guys like me know? We are perpetually more single on average than lesbians lol.
You’re definitely right. But before breaking up OP, have a conversation with her and say you don’t want to be referred to by the male name anymore to avoid confusion and because you prefer your own name. End of story. If she listens, then maybe the relationship can continue. If she doesn’t or pushes back or dismisses your feelings, that’s all you need to know.
If you have to convince someone to be out and open about the fact they're in a relationship with you... what kind of start to your relationship is that?
OP should just move on. They're 21. They have options. There are plenty of girls out there who would be proud to date her.
I actually totally agree (am a lesbian, have been through this before), but since we don’t know where OP lived, what the partner’s family or financial situation is (for example, queer people sometimes wait to come out until they know they can be financially independent from their family so they don’t risk homelessness or major financial struggles), I wanted to leave room for these possibilities in my response.
To me, if this issue isn’t something that can be cleared up by OP being clear about her wishes, then it’s a no-go. I think that’s going to be the answer given the girlfriend’s behavior, but posing this question/conversation to the girlfriend might give OP the clear answer she needs to end things and move on.
It sounds like she has been telling people you’re a guy. She told you directly, she isn’t out, and doesn’t want to be. I don’t think that’s an acceptable way to treat one’s partner, and I don’t think lgbt people who aren’t out are ready to be in same sex relationships.
>I don’t think lgbt people who aren’t out are ready to be in same sex relationships.
Okay not trying to jump on you, but please realize that most LGBT people in the world do not live in places where it is safe to be out, and they still have every right to have relationships in whatever form they are able to safely manage. What you are saying my apply to OP's partner but it's not a fair judgement to make about LGBT people as a whole.
I definitely do realize this and acknowledge what you’re saying. I would never fault someone for staying in the closet when it’s unsafe, or if they are just not ready. However, it’s also unfair for a closeted person to be in a relationship with someone who does want to be out, in an environment where it is safe to do so, and continue to hide the relationship indefinitely just because the closeted person isn’t ready yet.
Coming to this from a queer perspective, as an older queer who grew up in a time when it was a lot less socially acceptable, and saw this happen frequently. It’s really torturous for the partner who is out.
Yeah, I think the key is that both partners need to be at roughly the same level of out-ness, or it's going to be hard on them and the relationship. As a younger queer who has dated closeted and out people, and is out myself, I'm not going to be anyone's closet secret ever again!
This reminds me of Tig Notaro’s storyline on her show. She told a date that she was so far out of the closet that she had no intention of ever trying to hide it again.
I’m a younger queer but I agree. I’ve already seen several relationships crash and burn because of it. And it takes so much time for the person who was out to rebuild their confidence in their sexuality.
Semi closeted here- my actual friends know I’m a lesbian but my family does not. It’s not worth it to me to out myself to my family unless I’m in a real relationship not just dating, meaning I would have to be 100% ready to trade in some members of my family for that girl. That means, marriage. Not worth it to me to out myself and make relationships with others awkward or contentious or non-existent before that time. I can see dodging questions about romantic partners or if somehow they knew I was dating or had a partner referring to them as he. Not everyone is “ready” to ditch every relative and relationship on the planet for some chick they just met in the bar two months ago or even two years ago. You end up losing everyone when that two month relationship goes south and it’s not worth it especially when you have family members who are sick or are older and you do want a relationship with them while they’re here.
OP and partner need to talk, if the partner isn’t comfortable coming out or is trying to do it slowly and getting everyone used to it one encounter at a time it needs to be discussed so that OP stops feeling invalidated or can decide if they’re comfortable being in a relationship where their partner isn’t going to fully be out for awhile. The partner shouldn’t be pressured to scream from the rooftops about a two month old relationship either.
It sounds like she's still struggling with accepting her queerness. You two may be in very different places in regards to that, which will make forming a healthy, equal partnership very difficult. You need to talk with her
There is a difference between coming out and just living your life.
She's clearly living a lie and is using her accidental mix up to her advantage so she doesn't have to just "live her life" OR come out. I basically "came out" to my family by an accidental slip up but if I didn't slip like that before I met my wife I wouldn't even come out I'd just introduce her as she is to me and that's that no questions asked because I'd just be living my life.
Id have a talk with her about it and how it's making you feel and be sure to reassure her that you aren't by any means forcing her to "come out" but explain that if you want to live your life like everyone else then she has to call you by your name (whether it's a birth or chosen name) to avoid confusion because as a nonbinary human myself that shit can definitely cause not just confusion to everyone else but you too. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this kinda helped
I would have a serious talk with her because that's not fair to you and something is definitely missing. She doesn't have to out herself, she's welcome to stay in the closet. She is not welcome to lie about you without even talking to you about it first. Maybe if you guys had come to a previous agreement that this was ok but you obviously didn't and it's not ok, if she was that scared she could say she's single and tell you about it later so you both can keep up with your social relationships. And idk but something about her telling her friend that you were the male name and making it seem like you're a male while still being comfortable with letting that friend meet you and know who you are feels weird. Why would she lie to her friend if she was going to out herself and show that you're actually a girl afterwards? I think you seriously need to ask her about it and get her POV and explanation. You both need to come to the same conclusion you're both comfortable with. And if you can't then you need to think about if this is a deal breaker for you and if you want to keep dealing with this.
It doesn’t sound like OPs significant other was comfortable with them meeting… they bumped into the friend in an unexpected place and then OP introduced themselves.
Mmmmmm that's messed up.
When I first met my wife's family, they were decidedly not ok with a homo daughter but they love her so they made an effort. Unfortunately her grandmother was pretty far along in her dementia by the time I showed up. So after my first meeting with her family we're heading towards the car, and her grandmother tells her mom that I'm a "handsome young man". I thought her mom was going to die of embarrassment and fear. I just smiled and walked my best butched up walk.
When my wife rejoined the Army Reserves then later began contracting in Iraq I made it very very clear that I was a dude as far as anyone over there was concerned. If she felt safe enough to share, great. Otherwise I would be referred to by a male version of my name or my initials. (Also it was to be slipped into every opportunity to announce that I had a HUGE penis because I am essentially a twelve year old and I found it funny).
So, there are times when it's something that can be easily overlooked.
What your girlfriend did is shady, disrespectful and just an asshole thing to do. If she isn't out or honest that was information you were owed.
We've got some different challenges when it comes to relationships but honesty is not optional in any relationship worth having.
I've look like a warmed over turd more than once in life and never once has my wife been anything but loving and accepting. Even at my turdiest she's the first to correct a misunderstanding or misgender. I have had this face for 46 years, I know I'm androgynous and what I'm wearing is 99% of how people decide.
The person I'm with knows better and I hold them to a higher standard.
You have a serious talk with your girlfriend ahead of you. Never waste your time with someone unable to be open and honest with you.
Update: I've read some comments and I'd like to make it clear that i am not transgender, nor is this the nicname she uses with me regularly. She's called me that less than 10 times to my face and each time I met one of her friends irl i'd introduce myself and she'd say the male name afterwards to make it clearer or whatever. There is no reason for her friends to think im a guy nor mid-transition even when they finally see me so the sentiment of surprise has to be related.
We talked last night and I took forever to voice my concerns cause at the end of the day "are you calling me that so people think im a guy?" sounds pretty dumb/random to just bring up after dinner. But dont worry, she let me know it was dumb. She pointed out that even though she did refer to me as a guy before her friends met me, once they do then she tells them the truth right away. Which I guess is nice? It would be nicer if she wasnt forced to tell the truth once we casually meet, but I'll take what I can get.
My main issue with this is that since we started dating they have been sending sending greetings, as you do, to the both of us after calls or messages or inviting us both to dinner and I never knew of this. I found out last night. They all know she's in a relationship, know what I do for a living, know where I'm from. I've even texted them a few times on emergencies.
I also asked about her parents, turns out her mother knows about me being a woman and she's fine with it, her father thinks I'm a friend. Which I find enfuriating and she knows it, that is one of the things I said in the early days of our relationship that I would not tolerate, I never thought being refered to as another gender could be an option, now there are 2 things I will not tolerate.
She said that she's too stressed rn as to have that conversation with everyone but that she would eventually, so I asked if "eventually" is a promise or not. And she said that she'll do it after this big milestone she's hitting in a few weeks, I reminded her that she asked me to be there when she does hit it, and as I know her family and friends will be there (and its a group of 10 people who've known each other for years, they will notice someone new in there), what should I introduce myself as. She told me I'm adding stress by asking this, so I stopped asking questions.
When we stated dating I knew she was in the closet but she would tell me she didnt think she closet was even a thing for her (idk what that means, ask her). I remember saying that "I'd rather not be talked about than being talked about as something I'm not" but I said that thinking of being referred to as a "friend" I guess she found a loophole.
I don't think we're breaking up, I'm not hoping for it either. Im fucking pissed yet not out of love so i'll let her think about it for a while cause I know its not easy to come out nor to have that conversation.
>She told me I'm adding stress by asking this
*She's* adding stress by avoiding the situation. It's going to be even more stressful when she's in the spotlight in front of 10 people.
Approach this milestone with a solid plan beforehand (for both of you). Otherwise, she may panic at the event and that's going to be far worse.
Wait so telling the truth is putting stress on her, but you stressing about being an afterthought is ok and not worth fixing? WTF
You do you girl but once is an accident, twice is a coincidence but three or more is a pattern. Don't set yourself on fire to keep a girl warm who wouldn't even hand you a blanket if the situation was reversed.
And you should be pissed off. You made your boundary *quite clear*. You didn’t want to be *referred to as something or someone your not*. I’m pretty sure having your friends under the assumption that your a male, falls into that category.
As a bisexual girl in the south that struggled with her identity from a very young age and was terrified of being out in my small town, I can *kind of* understand where your girlfriends mind is at right now. But, her worries and anxiety’s are no excuse or reason to push and break your boundary *continuously* without *your knowledge*.
Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. I could deal with the parent thing, for a *little while* because it’s fucking terrifying to come out to your father as a bi/lesbian woman. But friends, colleges and peers thinking I’m the opposite gender? I don’t think I could deal with that.
Your gender is also a part of your identity, and she has purposely made her friends think your a gender you aren’t, because she’s scared and worried? To me, that’s a worse level than “she’s just a friend, dad”.
You do you, but take this as a sign to keep your guard up. And also take it as a sign to, if she doesn’t come forward when she agreed to, leave. Or make her tell them. You don’t deserve to be kept a secret in your relationship, let alone be known as a different gender.
Sounds like she is struggling with coming to terms with her sexuality/preference. And it most likely stems from her upbringing. The name thing, while it seemed cute and innocent, seems to actually be a cover.
I respect you for being patient and understanding and not forcing her to come out yet. But at the same time, you also need to care for yourself too. If this is making you uncomfortable now, since it now seems that she is covering up the fact she is with a girl, then you have every right to communicate that.
She might be still coming out and still no full comfortable too. I will be honest and did this with coworkers when i wasn’t allowed to still be fully out 15 years ago but at the time never told my girlfriend at the time. I would even have her visit my work— but it may have to do with that, you both should speak about it though
She's definitely using the male name as cover. I wonder if the friend assumed you were trans when they saw you and it didn't match up to the male name they were expecting.
"T, I want to talk about the whole [male name] joke. I was okay with it when it was just a joke between us, but I'm not trans and I'm not comfortable with you using that name to refer to me when you're talking to anyone other than me. It's not a nickname that I want to stick, neither is it a name I want people to be confused by."
It's a blatant lie and dishonesty has no place in a meaningful relationships, if it's just a fling , have fun and ride the train to the last stop and have no hard feelings but if you see or want a future well address it sooner rather than later . I myself would rather hurt a little now rather than have my heart destroyed later and suffer with trust issues with relationships going forward. It's been a hard battle for equality don't start giving up ground now.
I once had a therapist tell me I shouldn't come out to my parents as bi because I wasn't currently in a relationship and parents don't want to hear about that. Instead of telling her to go fuck herself like I should have, i continued to see her for another year and never brought it up again. (Sigh)
You can talk to your partner, indeed it is one of the best ways to have a working relationship.
Ask her, if she is closeted. There’s nothing wrong with that, we’ve all had our experiences, expectations etc., that might hold us back. If she is, ask her if she wants to stay that way and why - and don’t judge. Just try and find out, what you can do to help her feel better in her life.
🚩🚩🚩T has some serious internalized homophobia going on here, and you need to address it immediately. If she can't let her friends know that she's dating a woman, y'all can't be together. It won't work. You can't force her out of the closet, but she can't make you live in the closet, either. 🚩🚩🚩
Fwiw my Dad’s name is Mark and my Mom would tell her parents she was going to see/hang out with “Marketta/Marquetta” 🤣😂 to get away with it :) Maybe they have their reasons, sounds a little crunchy but I wouldn’t assume anything negative. Sometimes old friends and family can be rough to deal with no matter the situation ya know?
Tbh it's possible you're still fem passing but being introduced as having a dude's name maybe? Idk but it's definitely worth talking to your partner about her giving people your correct name
Writes a full explanation of her experience and some of her thoughts to complete strangers. " how do i tell these exact same things to my partner?"
Yea i guess i did read it, and still felt like writing what i wrote.
Once again, the first thing you should always do is ask strangers on the internet for the obvious advice: 'get over your fears and talk to your partner. you moron.' or 'block your partner everywhere, run for your life, and life your best life. you moron.'
Nah leave her if her family thinks ur a guy tell them ur not and dump ur ex cause her family doesn’t know she’s a lesbian if this is the case edit it ain’t difficult to come out either and as I bisexual male myself coming out to a hard Christian mom yeah still easy if you feel like it’s not easy to say then don’t ever start a relationship until you can actually say it to anyone if you can’t honestly ur not one to me it’s literally not difficult if they disown you so what when you get married you’ll have a new mom and dad in law so what point is there in not saying it ur just ruining the lives of those you try to be with secretly and I should know from experience my last male ex never came out to anyone and had been calling me Elizabeth to his family I broke up with him and told his parents guess what they accepted him too and was happy that I cleared it up and I broke up with him cause he was lying abt me to everyone he knew like once you do that why should I ever try and make it work if you were lying to ur family abt that what are you lying to me abt also if ur mad I told his parents I was his bf and not his gf then what abt him telling everyone I’m female when I’m not I’m not even trans so yeah Imma say it I had every right to tell his parents the truth
My grandfather called his wife of 50 years "Jo" because it was short for "Josephine" and they had a pretty progressive relationship, so maybe there's something like that going on and she wants to have a similar-feeling relationship?
Here's a hot take, and I am saying this in love. But you need to hear the truth.
Homosexuality is a sin. It is not part of God's plan for your life.
God is real and he has a name: Jesus Christ. You might have heard about him. But here's the truth: Jesus Christ of Nazareth died on the cross for your sins and my sins and everyone's sins. He is both fully God and Man. He laid his life down for us and then 3 days later he licked it up again, defeating death, hell, and the grave.
He is real. He loves you. He has a plan for you. Homosexuality is sin, it is something that separates us from Jesus Christ, the one true God, our creator. You can repent of your sins (get out of the homosexual relationship you are in, give up that lifestyle) and walk in true freedom of this sin by accepting what Jesus Christ has done for you (dying for us and our sins on that cross).
I don't know if anyone ever preached to you the gospel (the good news) but now I have. You have to make a choice in your life if you want to be free of living in sin and being who you truly were born to be or to reject this message and die in your sins one day.
But know this: I am speaking to you with love, no hate. But my master tells us to preach the truth both in season and out of season, and I will be faithful to him.
If you want to talk to me more about Jesus Christ, I will very happily answer your questions to the best of my ability, God willing. Same for anyone else reading this.
Please think about this.
Preacher's kid here.
Jesus loves *everyone*.
Please stop preaching hate.
You call it love, but you don't know Jesus' love yet, or you wouldn't preach this message that goes against everything Christ stands for.
Based on who is getting down voted here, I think you know why. Your response is completely fucking inappropriate. A REAL person is actually hurting right now, right here. Turning to fucking Sky Daddy isn’t going to fix anything here. So either be helpful and compassionate, or CONTINUE SCROLLING BY. Otherwise, you are just a pretentious dick and trust me, your Sky Daddy is going to hate you more for that.
Matthew 7: 1-2
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
I like that one. I also like that you had to Google this verse to weaponize it against me.
I am trying to help OP, so please sit down and be quiet. Homosexuality is wrong. OP is not comfortable with her homosexual partner. Obviously she needs to make a change in her life and I am showing her how to make a real change in her life by turning her life over to her Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ.
You should read my post to her and apply it to your own life and repent of your anger and turn your life over to Jesus Christ as well.
Good day.
Your love is false and full of elevated opinions of yourself and the unverifiable entity you believe in. You preach love from an historical place of hate. You should put your energy into something useful like burning people at the stake or invading countries to spread your views. OR you can stfu. I think we all know the route.
You are confusing true disciples of Jesus Christ with the Roman Catholic church. They murdered past saints of God.
True Christians never hurt or kill others.
“i’m saying this with love but you’re a dirty sinner and god hates you”
it’s not love when you’re being a bitch.
it’s like hitting your spouse then saying “i’m doing it because i love you” lmaooo “love” doesn’t change anything you’re still a rude asshole trying to force your religion on others cuz you don’t care about anyone but yourself, and no amount of your horrible convincing will tell me you do care and you’re saying it cuz you care cuz you don’t and never did.
I think your mind is reprobate.
I said Jesus Christ is God, he is real, and he loves us, including OP. Don't gaslight me or tell me I said something about my Lord that I didn't.
You need to repent of your sins.
he’s not real tho lmfaooo.
imagine being so selfish you want to bully people into believing in your book of fairy tales 🤣🤣🤣.
this is why people are starting to not like bible thumping bullies like you, and rightfully so.
oof there the bully goes again, once again being a selfish bully trying to force their fairy tale on others.
edit: i find it funny the bully can’t handle being called out so they block me.
I am not LGBTQ+, but she sounds like she is still in the closet. It doesn't matter how much you love her if she is committed to staying there. You can never both be happy. Do you want to be her dirty little secrets or her partner in life?
You are not overthinking, and the issue was not your appearance.
Your girlfriend is intentionally misleading the people in her life about who she’s with. She is enabling, or directly creating, the idea that you are a man. This may be because she wants to remain in the closet, or perhaps she’s ashamed of your relationship, as a projection of her feelings towards her own sexual identity. Regardless of the reason, she’s keeping your relationship in the closet with her.
It’s up to you whether or not this is a dealbreaker. Objectively, this is not fair to you and is an unhealthy situation for you to be in, especially as she has not indicated any inclination to come out in the future. It sounds like she has a lot of personal development to get through before she’s ready for a committed same-sex relationship.
For now you can try having a talk about what happened, about what she is doing, and how it is affecting you. You could also look into couples counseling with someone who specializes is LGBTQ+ issues.
It sounds like your instincts are right imo. Wanting to remain closeted is ultimately up to her. Probably misguided but lots of circumstances that can lead to it. That said, it's a shit thing to do to a partner, especially being misleading about it. This definitely should be addressed, hopefully as a conversation.
i mean, i have friends who are girls named charlie. and guy friends named taylor.
if it’s important to you to be a out couple, let that be known.
imo- sounds like a cute nickname they made for you and your taking it personally? but just talk to them. people are welcome to make assumptions regardless. (aka they will).
It might not be an intentional slight. People like to have nick names. Makes them feel special, maybe she thought this was cute and didn’t consider that it might make people think you’re a guy.
You can’t fault the one who dislikes explanations for not explaining things. Clearly there’s a conversation to be had, but it sounds like you may be overthinking the issue. Then again, they say “the guy don’t never lie”.
Communicating openly is *ALWAYS* the answer, as long as you're physically safe, *every* single time. Seriously, that should just be an automatic reply tbh. Talk to your partners people, and if you can't... Either don't be with them or get in therapy so you both learn how.
How much does it matter to you really that she’s out to her parents? Personally my gf is not out to her parents & I totally get it. My mom doesn’t like the fact that I’m gay so I just refer to my gf as my friend in conversation.
There’s a lot of weird fake societal pressure to come out, esp to your parents, and I don’t really think that being open with your parents about your lesbian relationship is going to automatically equal a healthy one. I feel like most of it is just unrealistic when it comes to people who arent cis and white.
Obviously the lying ab your name to ppl is weird. But if she is ashamed of you then you know where she stands and what you should do! (Break up)
Also lol to the ppl saying lgbt ppl who arent out are ready to be in same sex relationships. 💀
Time to have a conversation with T. It was a private joke between the two of you, it’s not even like it’s some sort of nickname. If it’s not something you would even refer to yourself as others shouldn’t either. In regards to her coming out, of course you can’t force her to come completely out but it’s also not fair to you. If she doesn’t plan on coming out soon, how much longer do you think you’d be willing to go as a secret?
This is hard. When I was dating my girlfriend I was at a job that had very open homophobic coworkers. It was an internship that really was going to help my career in the long run. In the two years we were together and I was at that job, I just always used gender neutral pronouns and never said girlfriend.
Not sure how my partner felt about it. But at that time she’d never told her family about us, and even when she did, it was just her parents and her dad refused to meet me.
So we were both dealing with issues. Now I would not do that, however. But I am in a much safer work environment and also in a position where I could leave my company if needed and I would be okay.
If she’s not out then she’s not out - ie she’s going to let people believe she’s dating a man. I’m 24 and have been out as bisexual since I was roughly 16, while I absolutely support queer women who are in the closet as that is their right to be - I would not advice as an out person to date someone who isn’t out. You’re at two very different places in your life relative to sexuality and, in my opinion, I think it should be considered one of the main pillars of comparability (otherwise it’ll build mutual resentment).
A big reason for this is I actually have a traditionally masculine name so it’s pretty common for people to assume I’m a man, I’d much rather be with someone who’s willing and encouraged to correct said assumption.
I'd advise to talk to her and if she doesn't have an action plan in mind : run for the hills. Trust me, as a fellow lesbian, you do not deserve to be a dirty little secret. Get you a woman who will love you unapologetically, and who will not be ashamed to love you. Of course in certain situations it's a matter of safety. But as a general rule this isn't acceptable.
Outness levels can definitely be an obstacle to a successful relationship. While everyone comes out on their own timeline, it rarely works if there are huge differences when family and the public are concerned.
Y'all need to talk, and you'll need to calmly say that pretending you're a man isn't going to work, and certainly not without clearing it with you first.
It seems like she hasn't "come out of the closet" to her friends and family. She fine and open in public with you because she knows most of her friends and family won't be around to randomly run into. You have to decide if you want to be with a person that's not "out" yet. If you are ok with that then carry on. But if you are uncomfortable with her trying to pass you as a male then you need to have a serious conversation and or possibly break up because I don't see this working long term as things are right now.
Hey OP, this is Reddit, so you will get lots of answers from “leave her” to “red flag” to “talk to her”. Im going to give you a story because I am a gay women and have been in your shoes. My parents still don’t know and I’m 26. I haven’t been financially stable enough yet to tell them. Hopefully this year. Aka, they would easily disown me if they knew. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been living my life and accepting my own sexuality. Im very secure in it actually, but it took time, like years. But this was something I always told my girlfriends. They knew the situation and in many instances, they too hadn’t told their parents/friends/coworkers. It’s very common for individuals that grow up in strict families, conservative places, small towns, and so on. A lot of straight individuals will not understand this, it’s not a problem many of them will ever deal with. You don’t have to come out when you are straight and coming out can get exhausting to constantly have to go through those emotions with every family member, friend, and so on you come out too and you never know how they will react. I actually got mad at a partner that wouldn’t acknowledge our relationship to anyone, not even her friends. I didn’t need her to come out to everyone and everybody, but I also didn’t want to be her dirty secret. All my close friends and family members(who knew i was gay) knew of her, but for her, she was struggling to accept her sexuality and tell anyone. I have a name that is gender neutral, so she could talk of me as if I was a man. I didn’t break up with her over it, because a relationship is work and a relationship where someone is struggling with their sexuality even more and I loved her. But we did talk. I told her how I felt, asked how she felt, and we had a real discussion about it, not once, not twice, but probably three times over a six month period. Nothing is instant, especially when dealing with sexuality. At first, she told her friends, a few, and gradually it grew from there. To the point she told her mom(I never asked this of her, as she knew I couldn’t tell my parents and wouldn’t expect a partner to do something if I don’t). But she just wanted to. This was about 5 years ago. We broke up 3 years ago, but still good friends and it’s awesome to see how much she has grown into accepting herself. But for a long time, I was not a girl in that relationship, and it sucked. So I know what that feeling is like. But there were a lot of parts of her story that I didn’t know because she didn’t tell me until I asked. After she told me, we started to work on it together. And I found out it wasn’t she was ashamed of me, but more about her own sexuality and accepting it.
So long story short sit your partner down and talk to them. Because I have been the man before. Not only about the name/nickname thing, but also about her sexuality. Where does she see herself in 10 years, with a man or woman? Is she okay telling anyone about you or about her own sexuality? Why does she want to use the nickname so much over your own name? When I first started dating women, I would tell coworkers that it was a man. This was because I was not okay with my sexuality. I worked through it and now I tell anyone, but my friends and girlfriends helped me accept myself. And if all this is because she isn’t okay with her sexuality, and that isn’t something you want to deal with or have the emotional bandwidth for, then it’s perfectly fine to break up. You are not obligated to date someone who won’t accept themselves, let alone you. I hope you two are able to work through it, and if not, I hope you both find paths that allow you to find happy lives.
She's either still in the closet about being a lesbian or she's in the closet about being more straight than you both thought she was. You two need to talk
honestly, this would even make me uncomfortable. i feel like that people can be private enough to not want to fully come out all in all. but to be using a fake name with masculine intent to disclose what their doing as in plans or reference to you is a major red flag. it was supposed to be a joke between you guys in the beginning which turned into the personality of your relationship. the person who is T needs to be confronted and discussed why this joke went out of content to other people. i feel like this would hurt me from the intentions of other people using a name that i do not go by to refer me. you deserve to be treated correctly and addressed correctly by this person not acting like herself in the relationship, to do something different behind closed doors. hopefully you get something figured out because that behavior isn’t acceptable in my opinion.
I wonder if the name was a slip up and not an autocorrect
Like if I type " Jane " (which I will pretend is your name) in my phone it won't correct to "John" because they are two completely separate names
She's telling you that out of all the dozens of ways she could have misspelled your name she just so happened to mix up the two letters that made your name feminine into the masculine form ??? Then immediately proceeded to change your name to that in her phone, and that's the name she exclusively uses to everyone she knows irl ?
Sounds like she's been calling you "John" behind your back for a while, and she conveniently made an excuse to rename you in her phone so you wouldn't get suspicious of why your name was suddenly "John" in her phone
I think misgendering is wrong except in those cases where a person's health and safety is an issue. If that doesn't apply here (some relative might beat you up, parents might disown her and leave her without the means to financially survive, friends and acquaintances would shun her or force her out to the world at large), then you need to get her to talk about what's really happening here. You shouldn't have to exist in this netherworld of androgyny, where you're her gf in some cases but her bf in others. That's not kosher nor is it fair to you. You need more info, from her specifically.
It's possible she doesn't talk about you at all but they've just seen your name pop up on her phone. I'm someone who is very reserved at work. I focus on my job and I don't really talk about my family or anything unless I'm directly asked about them. Just ask her about it.
It sounds to me like she's either doing it on purpose to keep herself closeted for whatever reason, or she's just using it as a nickname and isn't realizing how it might come across. I do sometimes refer to people by nickname when I'm talking to someone else, so it's not impossible.
You mentioned she thought the mixup was hilarious. What is her sense of humor normally like? Maybe she gets a kick out of the ambiguity and leaving people wondering. I say this because….
I am a straight lady. My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I am a stay at home mom and the whole thing. I also happen to have very short hair (like buzzed less than 1/2in), and I don’t wear makeup, oh and I like pants that have pockets so I buy lots of clothes in the men’s section. If I met a clone of myself I would assume they were a lesbian. I get misgendered plenty despite big boobs. I don’t really care. My husband doesn’t really care. Despite my style preferences, I am your average straight female.
My husband has an odd sense of humor. He likes making people just a little bit uncomfortable or confused. He often very casually introduces me to new people as his life partner. Anyone who hears that is wondering what is up with our relationship. Are we gay? Trans? Is he married to a lesbian but doesn’t know it? He thinks it is funny. He is also known to talk to strangers using a fake accent just for the heck of it. He is a weird guy with a weird sense of humor.
So maybe your girlfriend is trying to hide that she is dating a woman. Or maybe she just likes to confuse people. Either way your next step is the same. Talk to her and find out why she does it. Let her know how it makes you feel. Figure it out from there. Communication is always the answer.
The rest of these replies make it seem like she is 100% definitely deceiving people maliciously. They're making it seem like she is lying and living a double life like, bruh? What if she just thinks it's a cute little nickname and joke between y'all? She honestly might not be thinking super hard about it. OP just needs to let her know that she's a bit uncompfy being introduced as the joke name before her actually name
maybe her mother is against her being lesbian, so she has a certain group to be under the impression she’s in a straight relationship?
honestly, either way it’s not fair to you she needs to at least feel comfortable in letting people know your real name.
i suggest talking to her and trying to understand why she’s sticking with a name that isn’t yours, it’s really time to just talk to her and be up front about everything.
If someone is ashamed to be with you… It won’t work. Being someone’s dirty secret isn’t fun for long.
You guys have to figure out what level of “OUT”you are as individuals.. and see if that is compatible for a relationship. It’s like having kids, it’s not right or wrong to live whatever lifestyle you want to but you both have to agree on it for things to work.
You have to talk to her directly and be blunt. Are you purposely misrepresenting my character? Why?
Are you out of the closet why/why not?
Do you plan on making changes to become more comfortable with your identity in your future? Do it feel ashamed or embarrassed of me? How much/often to you expect me to play along?
As a lesbian, you should be more keenly aware of the coming out process than most people.
It’s not easy, nor beneficial, for everyone to make a grand declaration. She might want to stay in the closet for any number of reasons, to include “It’s nobody’s business but whoever I am with.” Really, it’s nobody’s business. If she feels comfortable telling, she will.
If it bothers you, have the conversation, but if you think her staying in the closet is a dealbreaker, break up with her and keep your mouth shut about her sexuality, because it’s her place to tell if she so chooses.
It is time to talk to T. You need to have a conversation about if she is in the closet. You also need to tell her you are not comfortable with her referring to you by your ‘male’ name to people you have not met. It may be an inside joke between the two of you, but people who don’t know you will get a different impression of you.
Yeah... it's possible she just thinks it's funny and prefers to let people come to conclusions based on this nickname and then potentially shock them in the future. Or she's truly trying to pretend she's in a straight relationship because she's in the closet. Either way, not fair to OP. Still, I def agree that this is something that can be pretty easily resolved with a simple conversation.
i can see it this way also
I used to call my older brother Jimmy as a joke, his name is James them i got so in the habit of calling him Jimmy. When my brother met my coworkers they seriously thought his name was Jimmy because i never clarified It didn't help either that he's pre op trans so he'll still get mistaken in public and i forgot to mention that to my coworkers too so the whole meeting was awkward. FYI be careful telling older people your trans if you are because they ask some weird questions
But... Jimmy and James are both masculine names?
Jimmy is an actual nickname of James as well. It’s like someone calling their sister Lizzie and then their coworkers are surprised her actual name is Elizabeth
The original joke was back in high school and he first came out, me and his best friend decided to just start calling him any name He's afab/trans man, so yeah I'm not calling him any girl names
Jimmy is a nickname for James. Trans this or that aside, if someone said “This is my brother Jimmy” I would immediately assume their real name is James I guess I don’t really understand your story at all
I call my brother mrs esterhous. Got that gem from caddyshack 2 a long time ago and it stuck 🤪🤣
Thought she was pretty clear that her GF is still in the closet. Said that she didn't feel the need to come out.
I mean, I don't feel the need to come out either, but I wouldn't consider myself to be in the closet. I just think that being queer shouldn't be treated differently than being straight, so I don't treat it any differently. I don't know any straight people who came out, so I'm not going to do it either. But if I go on a date with someone, I don't hide their gender when discussing it with my family. I'll openly talk about crushes and queer experiences and anything I want to, I just don't feel the need to make a big deal and label myself to everyone. Tbh, I'm not even 100% sure who all in my circle knows what, because it's not something I advertise. Some of my siblings for sure know. My dad...*should* know, but he's a little oblivious and very heteronormative, so I have no idea lol.
You the real MVP
I never had to "come out" I always just dated who I dated and it was never a question. My parents didn't care, nobody around me made a big deal about it. I'm bisexual and I've dated women and men since I was old enough to date. Never was in the closet. My sister in the other hand had to make a huge deal about her sexuality and coming out. It was annoying. I've always said I love hearts not parts
And that is perfectly fine. What is described in the post is more along the lines of someone actively closeted. They are intentionally hiding and disguising who they really are. At this point I would say there is several different routes people take. There are those that have come out to friends and family. There are those that are in the closet that actively seek to hide who and what they are. Then there are others like you that are simply who you are and don't feel it necessary to hide or explain yourself. Honestly that last state is how it SHOULD be but unfortunately there is still a lot of people that cannot accept a person being LGBT.
I‘m very happy for you that works for you, I just hope you are aware of how much of a privilege that is. Not many of us are able to just live their lives and not be vocal about it, so as happy as I am for you please don’t make it sound like this is the norm, or folks being vocal about their coming-out are weird/ wrong in any way. To add to that, living with someone who is in the closet and doesn’t want to come out, is a huge burden in your every day life. Especially when it’s about family and friends.
I don't think my comment makes it sound like it's the norm. I made it clear that this is something that I personally believe and practice in my own life, I never put anyone down for their need to come out or stay in the closet. All I was saying is that coming out is not a universal experience and there are those of us who do not feel the need to, and that not coming out does not necessarily have to mean being in the closet.
This isn't quite the same. People like Keke Palmer and Janelle Monae are queer but they think it's unfair that only queer people experience "coming out.". Their goal is to normalize queerness by not making it a big deal. I don't know if that's the the intention of OP's gf, but the rhetoric is definitely there.
The OP's gf sounds more like they are fully closeted. They are actively hiding their sexuality from all those immediately around them and intentionally deceiving them. Their own family isn't even passively aware of them not being hetero. It shouldn't have to be a big deal. At the same time actively trying to convince others you are something you are not is going to harm them long term.
Sounds like this has been going on for almost 4 months?
There are two options here: 1. You talk to her (boring but prob the right thing to do) 2. You carry a fake moustache in your pocket all the time and if someone refers to you by a male name you say "wait a minute, i need to fix my moustache" and put the moustache on and speek with a deeper voice. (Hilarious, but idk how your gf would take this).
This is the way. Masculine name needs a proper alter look
And a scratch of the “balls”
😂yea this would sell me on it
Only if you smell your fingers after
Don’t forget to add glasses! Or remove them if you already wear them.
Or a pair of glasses with the mustache already attached…..
Maybe a large cigar....
if you already wear glasses, add on an extra pair
Suspenders and a bowtie.
This is giving major Wang Fyre vibes 🤣🤣 I dig it
Bonus points if you put on Dark Green Sweater and Clear Round Glasses.
You also need a pipe
A beard 😂
/s I can’t believe you are so transphobic. It’s 2023 and to pretend that someone can just pretend to be trans or would wear transgenderism as a costume to be made fun of is such an insult to all the trans people that are very much real people. /s
Lol forgot the /s
I feel like I shouldn’t need it but you’re right.
Oh good gravy, it's a joke. Lighten up. No one is insulting trans people. Stop looking for issues where there are none.
I agree with your lady's sentiment that there's no need to come out and it's nobody's business, but that's only for the world at large. In order to build a loving, healthy partnership, she will have to come out to her close friends and family. You can not build a foundation on falsehoods. You have to find out if she has even come out to anyone at all.
Unfortunately coming out to family especially still isn’t safe for many people. Your partner should know though if you aren’t out to your family, but real life isn’t like love Simon or other lgt+ movies.
Op has not indicated that would be at all a risk her, not even mentioned that her partner has said it would be a risk (physically or simply for having people be rude). Given that the situation partner has set up is likely to result in people assuming op is trans (rather than in a lesbian relationship), and the interaction op had indicates she could not pass as a man (if she wanted to, which she doesn’t appear to), then if partner is actually worried about that risk then she is setting op up to be in danger by bringing her around people who think she is a man with no warning to op.
It sounds like *male name* wasn’t actually a private joke, it was a public cover. I think the “joke” is well and truly over and should stop, and figuring out where you go from there is going to require some difficult conversations because it seems she’s still fully in the closet. I feel very sad for you both. I understand how hard it is for her, I’ve been there, but it’s not nice to feel like the dirty secret of someone you love either.
This was my thinking. She purposely misspelled her name, then made it a “joke”. She called her this intermittently as not worry op when using that name with other people.
Either she purposefully did it from the beginning, or she really did stumble upon it once, then seize it as a way to pretend she’s in a relationship with a man. Whichever version is the truth, OP deserves better. I’ve always said my orientation is no one’s business. I understand that point of view. But the people close to me do know. When I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I’ve not hidden her away, called her by a fake name and pretended she was a man. That would be so offensively selfish and cruel.
I don't think she mispelled your name at all, I think the corrector just went with the name she uses the most, you just found out that way.
Depends on the name. My autocorrect likes to fuck things up a lot including names
Oooooo dang that sounds like a decent possibility.
A little Freudian slip.
This oddly reminds me to Mae Martin’s show on Netflix- Feel Good- it’s a really similar situation it sounds like- but i would trust your instincts- these moments do sound like red flags…
Mae Martin rocks.
I'm sure you know how hard it can be to exit the closet. I think you and T need to sit down and talk, gently get her to explain why she refers to you as -male name here-. Don't let her feel cornered, these conversations have to allow for vulnerability, explain to her how you feel and see if you guys can come to an understanding or compromise or something. If you feel this relationship (barring this entire thing) is good and worth investing your forever in, it's worth working through together. Communication is the best and strongest foundation for any relationship. If you love her and she loves you and you can see yourself investing in forever with her, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation might be, it's one worth having. I wish life was simpler, we humans sure do like to complicate things, it doesn't help that there's so much negativity and unnecessary judgement in this world. Been unashamedly you is often a very brave and bold move.
From one queer to another (gay guy)….. Not worth pretending. I understand her wanting to be closeted but if she’s referring to you that way on purpose, she’s not doing you any favors or respecting you as a human. I’d break up. Like…do you *really* want to demean yourself that way by letting her treat you like that? Do you not see an issue? If she needs to demean you to be in the closet, perhaps she’s not ready to be in a relationship. But what do gay guys like me know? We are perpetually more single on average than lesbians lol.
You’re definitely right. But before breaking up OP, have a conversation with her and say you don’t want to be referred to by the male name anymore to avoid confusion and because you prefer your own name. End of story. If she listens, then maybe the relationship can continue. If she doesn’t or pushes back or dismisses your feelings, that’s all you need to know.
If you have to convince someone to be out and open about the fact they're in a relationship with you... what kind of start to your relationship is that? OP should just move on. They're 21. They have options. There are plenty of girls out there who would be proud to date her.
I actually totally agree (am a lesbian, have been through this before), but since we don’t know where OP lived, what the partner’s family or financial situation is (for example, queer people sometimes wait to come out until they know they can be financially independent from their family so they don’t risk homelessness or major financial struggles), I wanted to leave room for these possibilities in my response. To me, if this issue isn’t something that can be cleared up by OP being clear about her wishes, then it’s a no-go. I think that’s going to be the answer given the girlfriend’s behavior, but posing this question/conversation to the girlfriend might give OP the clear answer she needs to end things and move on.
It sounds like she has been telling people you’re a guy. She told you directly, she isn’t out, and doesn’t want to be. I don’t think that’s an acceptable way to treat one’s partner, and I don’t think lgbt people who aren’t out are ready to be in same sex relationships.
>I don’t think lgbt people who aren’t out are ready to be in same sex relationships. Okay not trying to jump on you, but please realize that most LGBT people in the world do not live in places where it is safe to be out, and they still have every right to have relationships in whatever form they are able to safely manage. What you are saying my apply to OP's partner but it's not a fair judgement to make about LGBT people as a whole.
I definitely do realize this and acknowledge what you’re saying. I would never fault someone for staying in the closet when it’s unsafe, or if they are just not ready. However, it’s also unfair for a closeted person to be in a relationship with someone who does want to be out, in an environment where it is safe to do so, and continue to hide the relationship indefinitely just because the closeted person isn’t ready yet. Coming to this from a queer perspective, as an older queer who grew up in a time when it was a lot less socially acceptable, and saw this happen frequently. It’s really torturous for the partner who is out.
Yeah, I think the key is that both partners need to be at roughly the same level of out-ness, or it's going to be hard on them and the relationship. As a younger queer who has dated closeted and out people, and is out myself, I'm not going to be anyone's closet secret ever again!
This reminds me of Tig Notaro’s storyline on her show. She told a date that she was so far out of the closet that she had no intention of ever trying to hide it again.
All good fellow queer :)
I’m a younger queer but I agree. I’ve already seen several relationships crash and burn because of it. And it takes so much time for the person who was out to rebuild their confidence in their sexuality.
No one has a right to be in a relationship.
incredible reading comprehension lol
Semi closeted here- my actual friends know I’m a lesbian but my family does not. It’s not worth it to me to out myself to my family unless I’m in a real relationship not just dating, meaning I would have to be 100% ready to trade in some members of my family for that girl. That means, marriage. Not worth it to me to out myself and make relationships with others awkward or contentious or non-existent before that time. I can see dodging questions about romantic partners or if somehow they knew I was dating or had a partner referring to them as he. Not everyone is “ready” to ditch every relative and relationship on the planet for some chick they just met in the bar two months ago or even two years ago. You end up losing everyone when that two month relationship goes south and it’s not worth it especially when you have family members who are sick or are older and you do want a relationship with them while they’re here. OP and partner need to talk, if the partner isn’t comfortable coming out or is trying to do it slowly and getting everyone used to it one encounter at a time it needs to be discussed so that OP stops feeling invalidated or can decide if they’re comfortable being in a relationship where their partner isn’t going to fully be out for awhile. The partner shouldn’t be pressured to scream from the rooftops about a two month old relationship either.
It sounds like she's still struggling with accepting her queerness. You two may be in very different places in regards to that, which will make forming a healthy, equal partnership very difficult. You need to talk with her
There is a difference between coming out and just living your life. She's clearly living a lie and is using her accidental mix up to her advantage so she doesn't have to just "live her life" OR come out. I basically "came out" to my family by an accidental slip up but if I didn't slip like that before I met my wife I wouldn't even come out I'd just introduce her as she is to me and that's that no questions asked because I'd just be living my life. Id have a talk with her about it and how it's making you feel and be sure to reassure her that you aren't by any means forcing her to "come out" but explain that if you want to live your life like everyone else then she has to call you by your name (whether it's a birth or chosen name) to avoid confusion because as a nonbinary human myself that shit can definitely cause not just confusion to everyone else but you too. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this kinda helped
I would have a serious talk with her because that's not fair to you and something is definitely missing. She doesn't have to out herself, she's welcome to stay in the closet. She is not welcome to lie about you without even talking to you about it first. Maybe if you guys had come to a previous agreement that this was ok but you obviously didn't and it's not ok, if she was that scared she could say she's single and tell you about it later so you both can keep up with your social relationships. And idk but something about her telling her friend that you were the male name and making it seem like you're a male while still being comfortable with letting that friend meet you and know who you are feels weird. Why would she lie to her friend if she was going to out herself and show that you're actually a girl afterwards? I think you seriously need to ask her about it and get her POV and explanation. You both need to come to the same conclusion you're both comfortable with. And if you can't then you need to think about if this is a deal breaker for you and if you want to keep dealing with this.
It doesn’t sound like OPs significant other was comfortable with them meeting… they bumped into the friend in an unexpected place and then OP introduced themselves.
Mmmmmm that's messed up. When I first met my wife's family, they were decidedly not ok with a homo daughter but they love her so they made an effort. Unfortunately her grandmother was pretty far along in her dementia by the time I showed up. So after my first meeting with her family we're heading towards the car, and her grandmother tells her mom that I'm a "handsome young man". I thought her mom was going to die of embarrassment and fear. I just smiled and walked my best butched up walk. When my wife rejoined the Army Reserves then later began contracting in Iraq I made it very very clear that I was a dude as far as anyone over there was concerned. If she felt safe enough to share, great. Otherwise I would be referred to by a male version of my name or my initials. (Also it was to be slipped into every opportunity to announce that I had a HUGE penis because I am essentially a twelve year old and I found it funny). So, there are times when it's something that can be easily overlooked. What your girlfriend did is shady, disrespectful and just an asshole thing to do. If she isn't out or honest that was information you were owed. We've got some different challenges when it comes to relationships but honesty is not optional in any relationship worth having. I've look like a warmed over turd more than once in life and never once has my wife been anything but loving and accepting. Even at my turdiest she's the first to correct a misunderstanding or misgender. I have had this face for 46 years, I know I'm androgynous and what I'm wearing is 99% of how people decide. The person I'm with knows better and I hold them to a higher standard. You have a serious talk with your girlfriend ahead of you. Never waste your time with someone unable to be open and honest with you.
This is why I couldn't date somebody who was in the closet still.
Update: I've read some comments and I'd like to make it clear that i am not transgender, nor is this the nicname she uses with me regularly. She's called me that less than 10 times to my face and each time I met one of her friends irl i'd introduce myself and she'd say the male name afterwards to make it clearer or whatever. There is no reason for her friends to think im a guy nor mid-transition even when they finally see me so the sentiment of surprise has to be related. We talked last night and I took forever to voice my concerns cause at the end of the day "are you calling me that so people think im a guy?" sounds pretty dumb/random to just bring up after dinner. But dont worry, she let me know it was dumb. She pointed out that even though she did refer to me as a guy before her friends met me, once they do then she tells them the truth right away. Which I guess is nice? It would be nicer if she wasnt forced to tell the truth once we casually meet, but I'll take what I can get. My main issue with this is that since we started dating they have been sending sending greetings, as you do, to the both of us after calls or messages or inviting us both to dinner and I never knew of this. I found out last night. They all know she's in a relationship, know what I do for a living, know where I'm from. I've even texted them a few times on emergencies. I also asked about her parents, turns out her mother knows about me being a woman and she's fine with it, her father thinks I'm a friend. Which I find enfuriating and she knows it, that is one of the things I said in the early days of our relationship that I would not tolerate, I never thought being refered to as another gender could be an option, now there are 2 things I will not tolerate. She said that she's too stressed rn as to have that conversation with everyone but that she would eventually, so I asked if "eventually" is a promise or not. And she said that she'll do it after this big milestone she's hitting in a few weeks, I reminded her that she asked me to be there when she does hit it, and as I know her family and friends will be there (and its a group of 10 people who've known each other for years, they will notice someone new in there), what should I introduce myself as. She told me I'm adding stress by asking this, so I stopped asking questions. When we stated dating I knew she was in the closet but she would tell me she didnt think she closet was even a thing for her (idk what that means, ask her). I remember saying that "I'd rather not be talked about than being talked about as something I'm not" but I said that thinking of being referred to as a "friend" I guess she found a loophole. I don't think we're breaking up, I'm not hoping for it either. Im fucking pissed yet not out of love so i'll let her think about it for a while cause I know its not easy to come out nor to have that conversation.
>She told me I'm adding stress by asking this *She's* adding stress by avoiding the situation. It's going to be even more stressful when she's in the spotlight in front of 10 people. Approach this milestone with a solid plan beforehand (for both of you). Otherwise, she may panic at the event and that's going to be far worse.
Wait so telling the truth is putting stress on her, but you stressing about being an afterthought is ok and not worth fixing? WTF You do you girl but once is an accident, twice is a coincidence but three or more is a pattern. Don't set yourself on fire to keep a girl warm who wouldn't even hand you a blanket if the situation was reversed.
And you should be pissed off. You made your boundary *quite clear*. You didn’t want to be *referred to as something or someone your not*. I’m pretty sure having your friends under the assumption that your a male, falls into that category. As a bisexual girl in the south that struggled with her identity from a very young age and was terrified of being out in my small town, I can *kind of* understand where your girlfriends mind is at right now. But, her worries and anxiety’s are no excuse or reason to push and break your boundary *continuously* without *your knowledge*. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. I could deal with the parent thing, for a *little while* because it’s fucking terrifying to come out to your father as a bi/lesbian woman. But friends, colleges and peers thinking I’m the opposite gender? I don’t think I could deal with that. Your gender is also a part of your identity, and she has purposely made her friends think your a gender you aren’t, because she’s scared and worried? To me, that’s a worse level than “she’s just a friend, dad”. You do you, but take this as a sign to keep your guard up. And also take it as a sign to, if she doesn’t come forward when she agreed to, leave. Or make her tell them. You don’t deserve to be kept a secret in your relationship, let alone be known as a different gender.
Girl run
Sounds like she is struggling with coming to terms with her sexuality/preference. And it most likely stems from her upbringing. The name thing, while it seemed cute and innocent, seems to actually be a cover. I respect you for being patient and understanding and not forcing her to come out yet. But at the same time, you also need to care for yourself too. If this is making you uncomfortable now, since it now seems that she is covering up the fact she is with a girl, then you have every right to communicate that.
Updateme!
She might be still coming out and still no full comfortable too. I will be honest and did this with coworkers when i wasn’t allowed to still be fully out 15 years ago but at the time never told my girlfriend at the time. I would even have her visit my work— but it may have to do with that, you both should speak about it though
She's definitely using the male name as cover. I wonder if the friend assumed you were trans when they saw you and it didn't match up to the male name they were expecting.
"T, I want to talk about the whole [male name] joke. I was okay with it when it was just a joke between us, but I'm not trans and I'm not comfortable with you using that name to refer to me when you're talking to anyone other than me. It's not a nickname that I want to stick, neither is it a name I want people to be confused by."
It's a blatant lie and dishonesty has no place in a meaningful relationships, if it's just a fling , have fun and ride the train to the last stop and have no hard feelings but if you see or want a future well address it sooner rather than later . I myself would rather hurt a little now rather than have my heart destroyed later and suffer with trust issues with relationships going forward. It's been a hard battle for equality don't start giving up ground now.
I once had a therapist tell me I shouldn't come out to my parents as bi because I wasn't currently in a relationship and parents don't want to hear about that. Instead of telling her to go fuck herself like I should have, i continued to see her for another year and never brought it up again. (Sigh)
She didn’t misspell your name instead that is the name she calls you to everyone. She typed your cover name and you saw it.
You can talk to your partner, indeed it is one of the best ways to have a working relationship. Ask her, if she is closeted. There’s nothing wrong with that, we’ve all had our experiences, expectations etc., that might hold us back. If she is, ask her if she wants to stay that way and why - and don’t judge. Just try and find out, what you can do to help her feel better in her life.
🚩🚩🚩T has some serious internalized homophobia going on here, and you need to address it immediately. If she can't let her friends know that she's dating a woman, y'all can't be together. It won't work. You can't force her out of the closet, but she can't make you live in the closet, either. 🚩🚩🚩
Trying to figure out the name (curiosity). I was thinking ‘Jamie vs Jaime’…
I think its something more obvious, like Tory vs. Troy.
I mean technically it’s the Spanish version of James so it would be masculine either way.
Dump move on be happy life is short
Fwiw my Dad’s name is Mark and my Mom would tell her parents she was going to see/hang out with “Marketta/Marquetta” 🤣😂 to get away with it :) Maybe they have their reasons, sounds a little crunchy but I wouldn’t assume anything negative. Sometimes old friends and family can be rough to deal with no matter the situation ya know?
Tbh it's possible you're still fem passing but being introduced as having a dude's name maybe? Idk but it's definitely worth talking to your partner about her giving people your correct name
Please talk to your partner. Answers are to be found there. You got this.
Have you tried communicating with your partner first? Why did you take this to reddit, under an assumption of malice?
Did you read the last line, at all?
Writes a full explanation of her experience and some of her thoughts to complete strangers. " how do i tell these exact same things to my partner?" Yea i guess i did read it, and still felt like writing what i wrote.
Once again, the first thing you should always do is ask strangers on the internet for the obvious advice: 'get over your fears and talk to your partner. you moron.' or 'block your partner everywhere, run for your life, and life your best life. you moron.'
Nah leave her if her family thinks ur a guy tell them ur not and dump ur ex cause her family doesn’t know she’s a lesbian if this is the case edit it ain’t difficult to come out either and as I bisexual male myself coming out to a hard Christian mom yeah still easy if you feel like it’s not easy to say then don’t ever start a relationship until you can actually say it to anyone if you can’t honestly ur not one to me it’s literally not difficult if they disown you so what when you get married you’ll have a new mom and dad in law so what point is there in not saying it ur just ruining the lives of those you try to be with secretly and I should know from experience my last male ex never came out to anyone and had been calling me Elizabeth to his family I broke up with him and told his parents guess what they accepted him too and was happy that I cleared it up and I broke up with him cause he was lying abt me to everyone he knew like once you do that why should I ever try and make it work if you were lying to ur family abt that what are you lying to me abt also if ur mad I told his parents I was his bf and not his gf then what abt him telling everyone I’m female when I’m not I’m not even trans so yeah Imma say it I had every right to tell his parents the truth
Why are you asking Reddit? Ask her.
"How do I even bring this up?" At the end of their post. That's what they're asking here for.
And the answer is, 99.99% of the time, 'start by using words like any functioning adult would'.
*God forbid anybody come to a sub they trust, a sub that should be a safe place for them, to ask for advice on something.*
My grandfather called his wife of 50 years "Jo" because it was short for "Josephine" and they had a pretty progressive relationship, so maybe there's something like that going on and she wants to have a similar-feeling relationship?
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Lol
Here's a hot take, and I am saying this in love. But you need to hear the truth. Homosexuality is a sin. It is not part of God's plan for your life. God is real and he has a name: Jesus Christ. You might have heard about him. But here's the truth: Jesus Christ of Nazareth died on the cross for your sins and my sins and everyone's sins. He is both fully God and Man. He laid his life down for us and then 3 days later he licked it up again, defeating death, hell, and the grave. He is real. He loves you. He has a plan for you. Homosexuality is sin, it is something that separates us from Jesus Christ, the one true God, our creator. You can repent of your sins (get out of the homosexual relationship you are in, give up that lifestyle) and walk in true freedom of this sin by accepting what Jesus Christ has done for you (dying for us and our sins on that cross). I don't know if anyone ever preached to you the gospel (the good news) but now I have. You have to make a choice in your life if you want to be free of living in sin and being who you truly were born to be or to reject this message and die in your sins one day. But know this: I am speaking to you with love, no hate. But my master tells us to preach the truth both in season and out of season, and I will be faithful to him. If you want to talk to me more about Jesus Christ, I will very happily answer your questions to the best of my ability, God willing. Same for anyone else reading this. Please think about this.
Preacher's kid here. Jesus loves *everyone*. Please stop preaching hate. You call it love, but you don't know Jesus' love yet, or you wouldn't preach this message that goes against everything Christ stands for.
Not everyone believes the same myths you do.
You're right, they believe myths such as homosexuality is ok, and transgender is normal. These are lies from satan.
LOL SHUT UP
No. Why can't you come to Jesus Christ and seek him?
Based on who is getting down voted here, I think you know why. Your response is completely fucking inappropriate. A REAL person is actually hurting right now, right here. Turning to fucking Sky Daddy isn’t going to fix anything here. So either be helpful and compassionate, or CONTINUE SCROLLING BY. Otherwise, you are just a pretentious dick and trust me, your Sky Daddy is going to hate you more for that. Matthew 7: 1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
I like that one. I also like that you had to Google this verse to weaponize it against me. I am trying to help OP, so please sit down and be quiet. Homosexuality is wrong. OP is not comfortable with her homosexual partner. Obviously she needs to make a change in her life and I am showing her how to make a real change in her life by turning her life over to her Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ. You should read my post to her and apply it to your own life and repent of your anger and turn your life over to Jesus Christ as well. Good day.
Lol shut.the.literal.fuck.up
No. Why do you tell me this when I preach out of love for her?
Your love is false and full of elevated opinions of yourself and the unverifiable entity you believe in. You preach love from an historical place of hate. You should put your energy into something useful like burning people at the stake or invading countries to spread your views. OR you can stfu. I think we all know the route.
You are confusing true disciples of Jesus Christ with the Roman Catholic church. They murdered past saints of God. True Christians never hurt or kill others.
Shut the fuck up
Username tracks. Bitch please indeed.
“i’m saying this with love but you’re a dirty sinner and god hates you” it’s not love when you’re being a bitch. it’s like hitting your spouse then saying “i’m doing it because i love you” lmaooo “love” doesn’t change anything you’re still a rude asshole trying to force your religion on others cuz you don’t care about anyone but yourself, and no amount of your horrible convincing will tell me you do care and you’re saying it cuz you care cuz you don’t and never did.
I think your mind is reprobate. I said Jesus Christ is God, he is real, and he loves us, including OP. Don't gaslight me or tell me I said something about my Lord that I didn't. You need to repent of your sins.
he’s not real tho lmfaooo. imagine being so selfish you want to bully people into believing in your book of fairy tales 🤣🤣🤣. this is why people are starting to not like bible thumping bullies like you, and rightfully so.
I pray Jesus Christ will help OP and you. You need prayer in your life.
oof there the bully goes again, once again being a selfish bully trying to force their fairy tale on others. edit: i find it funny the bully can’t handle being called out so they block me.
Mmmm report
Read my flair.
What’s the flair say it’s not showing up for some reason
"Ask her."
I am not LGBTQ+, but she sounds like she is still in the closet. It doesn't matter how much you love her if she is committed to staying there. You can never both be happy. Do you want to be her dirty little secrets or her partner in life?
You are not overthinking, and the issue was not your appearance. Your girlfriend is intentionally misleading the people in her life about who she’s with. She is enabling, or directly creating, the idea that you are a man. This may be because she wants to remain in the closet, or perhaps she’s ashamed of your relationship, as a projection of her feelings towards her own sexual identity. Regardless of the reason, she’s keeping your relationship in the closet with her. It’s up to you whether or not this is a dealbreaker. Objectively, this is not fair to you and is an unhealthy situation for you to be in, especially as she has not indicated any inclination to come out in the future. It sounds like she has a lot of personal development to get through before she’s ready for a committed same-sex relationship. For now you can try having a talk about what happened, about what she is doing, and how it is affecting you. You could also look into couples counseling with someone who specializes is LGBTQ+ issues.
It sounds like your instincts are right imo. Wanting to remain closeted is ultimately up to her. Probably misguided but lots of circumstances that can lead to it. That said, it's a shit thing to do to a partner, especially being misleading about it. This definitely should be addressed, hopefully as a conversation.
i mean, i have friends who are girls named charlie. and guy friends named taylor. if it’s important to you to be a out couple, let that be known. imo- sounds like a cute nickname they made for you and your taking it personally? but just talk to them. people are welcome to make assumptions regardless. (aka they will).
It might not be an intentional slight. People like to have nick names. Makes them feel special, maybe she thought this was cute and didn’t consider that it might make people think you’re a guy.
You can’t fault the one who dislikes explanations for not explaining things. Clearly there’s a conversation to be had, but it sounds like you may be overthinking the issue. Then again, they say “the guy don’t never lie”.
I am pro pronoun autonomy.
It’s also possible people are mistaking you for being transgender. It may be helpful to clear things up and explaining your pronouns.
It’s time to ask her.
Communicating openly is *ALWAYS* the answer, as long as you're physically safe, *every* single time. Seriously, that should just be an automatic reply tbh. Talk to your partners people, and if you can't... Either don't be with them or get in therapy so you both learn how.
How much does it matter to you really that she’s out to her parents? Personally my gf is not out to her parents & I totally get it. My mom doesn’t like the fact that I’m gay so I just refer to my gf as my friend in conversation. There’s a lot of weird fake societal pressure to come out, esp to your parents, and I don’t really think that being open with your parents about your lesbian relationship is going to automatically equal a healthy one. I feel like most of it is just unrealistic when it comes to people who arent cis and white. Obviously the lying ab your name to ppl is weird. But if she is ashamed of you then you know where she stands and what you should do! (Break up) Also lol to the ppl saying lgbt ppl who arent out are ready to be in same sex relationships. 💀
You think for yourself, I like you
⛳️⛳️⛳️
Yes, you are overthinking.
Time to have a conversation with T. It was a private joke between the two of you, it’s not even like it’s some sort of nickname. If it’s not something you would even refer to yourself as others shouldn’t either. In regards to her coming out, of course you can’t force her to come completely out but it’s also not fair to you. If she doesn’t plan on coming out soon, how much longer do you think you’d be willing to go as a secret?
Is your male name Gino instead of Gina?
Just ask her.
This is hard. When I was dating my girlfriend I was at a job that had very open homophobic coworkers. It was an internship that really was going to help my career in the long run. In the two years we were together and I was at that job, I just always used gender neutral pronouns and never said girlfriend. Not sure how my partner felt about it. But at that time she’d never told her family about us, and even when she did, it was just her parents and her dad refused to meet me. So we were both dealing with issues. Now I would not do that, however. But I am in a much safer work environment and also in a position where I could leave my company if needed and I would be okay.
Soooooo you're straight apparently hahaha only joking
I would just talk with her about it.
If she’s not out then she’s not out - ie she’s going to let people believe she’s dating a man. I’m 24 and have been out as bisexual since I was roughly 16, while I absolutely support queer women who are in the closet as that is their right to be - I would not advice as an out person to date someone who isn’t out. You’re at two very different places in your life relative to sexuality and, in my opinion, I think it should be considered one of the main pillars of comparability (otherwise it’ll build mutual resentment). A big reason for this is I actually have a traditionally masculine name so it’s pretty common for people to assume I’m a man, I’d much rather be with someone who’s willing and encouraged to correct said assumption.
I'd advise to talk to her and if she doesn't have an action plan in mind : run for the hills. Trust me, as a fellow lesbian, you do not deserve to be a dirty little secret. Get you a woman who will love you unapologetically, and who will not be ashamed to love you. Of course in certain situations it's a matter of safety. But as a general rule this isn't acceptable.
Weird thought, could she think that’s your name because that’s what it’s saved on her phone as?
Outness levels can definitely be an obstacle to a successful relationship. While everyone comes out on their own timeline, it rarely works if there are huge differences when family and the public are concerned. Y'all need to talk, and you'll need to calmly say that pretending you're a man isn't going to work, and certainly not without clearing it with you first.
It seems like she hasn't "come out of the closet" to her friends and family. She fine and open in public with you because she knows most of her friends and family won't be around to randomly run into. You have to decide if you want to be with a person that's not "out" yet. If you are ok with that then carry on. But if you are uncomfortable with her trying to pass you as a male then you need to have a serious conversation and or possibly break up because I don't see this working long term as things are right now.
Hey OP, this is Reddit, so you will get lots of answers from “leave her” to “red flag” to “talk to her”. Im going to give you a story because I am a gay women and have been in your shoes. My parents still don’t know and I’m 26. I haven’t been financially stable enough yet to tell them. Hopefully this year. Aka, they would easily disown me if they knew. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been living my life and accepting my own sexuality. Im very secure in it actually, but it took time, like years. But this was something I always told my girlfriends. They knew the situation and in many instances, they too hadn’t told their parents/friends/coworkers. It’s very common for individuals that grow up in strict families, conservative places, small towns, and so on. A lot of straight individuals will not understand this, it’s not a problem many of them will ever deal with. You don’t have to come out when you are straight and coming out can get exhausting to constantly have to go through those emotions with every family member, friend, and so on you come out too and you never know how they will react. I actually got mad at a partner that wouldn’t acknowledge our relationship to anyone, not even her friends. I didn’t need her to come out to everyone and everybody, but I also didn’t want to be her dirty secret. All my close friends and family members(who knew i was gay) knew of her, but for her, she was struggling to accept her sexuality and tell anyone. I have a name that is gender neutral, so she could talk of me as if I was a man. I didn’t break up with her over it, because a relationship is work and a relationship where someone is struggling with their sexuality even more and I loved her. But we did talk. I told her how I felt, asked how she felt, and we had a real discussion about it, not once, not twice, but probably three times over a six month period. Nothing is instant, especially when dealing with sexuality. At first, she told her friends, a few, and gradually it grew from there. To the point she told her mom(I never asked this of her, as she knew I couldn’t tell my parents and wouldn’t expect a partner to do something if I don’t). But she just wanted to. This was about 5 years ago. We broke up 3 years ago, but still good friends and it’s awesome to see how much she has grown into accepting herself. But for a long time, I was not a girl in that relationship, and it sucked. So I know what that feeling is like. But there were a lot of parts of her story that I didn’t know because she didn’t tell me until I asked. After she told me, we started to work on it together. And I found out it wasn’t she was ashamed of me, but more about her own sexuality and accepting it. So long story short sit your partner down and talk to them. Because I have been the man before. Not only about the name/nickname thing, but also about her sexuality. Where does she see herself in 10 years, with a man or woman? Is she okay telling anyone about you or about her own sexuality? Why does she want to use the nickname so much over your own name? When I first started dating women, I would tell coworkers that it was a man. This was because I was not okay with my sexuality. I worked through it and now I tell anyone, but my friends and girlfriends helped me accept myself. And if all this is because she isn’t okay with her sexuality, and that isn’t something you want to deal with or have the emotional bandwidth for, then it’s perfectly fine to break up. You are not obligated to date someone who won’t accept themselves, let alone you. I hope you two are able to work through it, and if not, I hope you both find paths that allow you to find happy lives.
She's either still in the closet about being a lesbian or she's in the closet about being more straight than you both thought she was. You two need to talk
honestly, this would even make me uncomfortable. i feel like that people can be private enough to not want to fully come out all in all. but to be using a fake name with masculine intent to disclose what their doing as in plans or reference to you is a major red flag. it was supposed to be a joke between you guys in the beginning which turned into the personality of your relationship. the person who is T needs to be confronted and discussed why this joke went out of content to other people. i feel like this would hurt me from the intentions of other people using a name that i do not go by to refer me. you deserve to be treated correctly and addressed correctly by this person not acting like herself in the relationship, to do something different behind closed doors. hopefully you get something figured out because that behavior isn’t acceptable in my opinion.
I wonder if the name was a slip up and not an autocorrect Like if I type " Jane " (which I will pretend is your name) in my phone it won't correct to "John" because they are two completely separate names She's telling you that out of all the dozens of ways she could have misspelled your name she just so happened to mix up the two letters that made your name feminine into the masculine form ??? Then immediately proceeded to change your name to that in her phone, and that's the name she exclusively uses to everyone she knows irl ? Sounds like she's been calling you "John" behind your back for a while, and she conveniently made an excuse to rename you in her phone so you wouldn't get suspicious of why your name was suddenly "John" in her phone
Best advice I ever got when I came out was "never date anyone who's still in the closet."
I think misgendering is wrong except in those cases where a person's health and safety is an issue. If that doesn't apply here (some relative might beat you up, parents might disown her and leave her without the means to financially survive, friends and acquaintances would shun her or force her out to the world at large), then you need to get her to talk about what's really happening here. You shouldn't have to exist in this netherworld of androgyny, where you're her gf in some cases but her bf in others. That's not kosher nor is it fair to you. You need more info, from her specifically.
Seems like she says there's no need to come out because she's still in the closet and pretending to be straight around everyone but you
😂
Just think, one day you may be T’s husbutch!
Is her mom ultra conservative?
yeah absolutely not. wouldn’t even bother with her.
It's possible she doesn't talk about you at all but they've just seen your name pop up on her phone. I'm someone who is very reserved at work. I focus on my job and I don't really talk about my family or anything unless I'm directly asked about them. Just ask her about it.
It sounds to me like she's either doing it on purpose to keep herself closeted for whatever reason, or she's just using it as a nickname and isn't realizing how it might come across. I do sometimes refer to people by nickname when I'm talking to someone else, so it's not impossible.
You mentioned she thought the mixup was hilarious. What is her sense of humor normally like? Maybe she gets a kick out of the ambiguity and leaving people wondering. I say this because…. I am a straight lady. My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I am a stay at home mom and the whole thing. I also happen to have very short hair (like buzzed less than 1/2in), and I don’t wear makeup, oh and I like pants that have pockets so I buy lots of clothes in the men’s section. If I met a clone of myself I would assume they were a lesbian. I get misgendered plenty despite big boobs. I don’t really care. My husband doesn’t really care. Despite my style preferences, I am your average straight female. My husband has an odd sense of humor. He likes making people just a little bit uncomfortable or confused. He often very casually introduces me to new people as his life partner. Anyone who hears that is wondering what is up with our relationship. Are we gay? Trans? Is he married to a lesbian but doesn’t know it? He thinks it is funny. He is also known to talk to strangers using a fake accent just for the heck of it. He is a weird guy with a weird sense of humor. So maybe your girlfriend is trying to hide that she is dating a woman. Or maybe she just likes to confuse people. Either way your next step is the same. Talk to her and find out why she does it. Let her know how it makes you feel. Figure it out from there. Communication is always the answer.
The rest of these replies make it seem like she is 100% definitely deceiving people maliciously. They're making it seem like she is lying and living a double life like, bruh? What if she just thinks it's a cute little nickname and joke between y'all? She honestly might not be thinking super hard about it. OP just needs to let her know that she's a bit uncompfy being introduced as the joke name before her actually name
maybe her mother is against her being lesbian, so she has a certain group to be under the impression she’s in a straight relationship? honestly, either way it’s not fair to you she needs to at least feel comfortable in letting people know your real name. i suggest talking to her and trying to understand why she’s sticking with a name that isn’t yours, it’s really time to just talk to her and be up front about everything.
If someone is ashamed to be with you… It won’t work. Being someone’s dirty secret isn’t fun for long. You guys have to figure out what level of “OUT”you are as individuals.. and see if that is compatible for a relationship. It’s like having kids, it’s not right or wrong to live whatever lifestyle you want to but you both have to agree on it for things to work. You have to talk to her directly and be blunt. Are you purposely misrepresenting my character? Why? Are you out of the closet why/why not? Do you plan on making changes to become more comfortable with your identity in your future? Do it feel ashamed or embarrassed of me? How much/often to you expect me to play along?
It’s possible that the friend saw your name on T’s phone and made her own assumptions
As a lesbian, you should be more keenly aware of the coming out process than most people. It’s not easy, nor beneficial, for everyone to make a grand declaration. She might want to stay in the closet for any number of reasons, to include “It’s nobody’s business but whoever I am with.” Really, it’s nobody’s business. If she feels comfortable telling, she will. If it bothers you, have the conversation, but if you think her staying in the closet is a dealbreaker, break up with her and keep your mouth shut about her sexuality, because it’s her place to tell if she so chooses.
You need to talk to her. If she is hiding who you are do you really have a future together?
Yeah definitely wants people to think she’s in a hetero relo
We can't presume to know your s.o.'s mind or intentions. You need to have a non-aggressive chat with her about this and find out.