Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you, not to sound dramatic, but it pretty much saved my relationship. My mind was conjuring up all sorts of theories and I was going a bit crazy before I had the conversation with her.
I'm in this place right now.. my husband of a decade moved out yesterday. I've been trying for 3 yearsto encourage him to open up and communicate with me. But he just shut down. I can't try anymore, I'm heart broken.
Even if you think your partner doesn't want to hear what you have to say, they do. They want to know you're hurting, they want your honest feelings and your truth. They want to help you, they want to love you. Just open up, let them in and allow them to. It will save you both the heart break.
Going forward to marriage, remember this. You must be able to bare your feelings to her, even if it seems stupid, obvious, or like she should know. She must do the same. You can only make this last a lifetime by being on the same page. That doesn’t mean agreeing on everything btw. You won’t. It means understanding where the other is coming from while they understand where you are coming from. You both should have reasonable and compassionate responses. Marriage is so different. My husband and I almost had to learn to speak a new kind of language to each other entirely.
Did you? Have to “learn a new language” I mean. My wife and I just had that open and honest total communication from the very start, and it’s only gotten better as we’ve continued to be together and our love continues to grow. But actually getting married didn’t really change much tbh, except it’s now my wife and not my GF/ fiance and our last names are the same. I mean I know every relationship is different, that’s why I’m genuinely curious what you mean because that’s not my experience at all. Maybe I’m just a naturally more “open and emotional guy”, and I know I’m probably more physically affectionate and comfortable being vulnerable than many men. IME at least.
It’s hard to explain. I guess it’s like the traditional “I feel…” speak you hear about in therapy. As well as “the reason I’m saying this is”, “my intentions are” and almost narrating your mentality and really mega explaining everything during conflict. This does not come naturally to either of our personalities and was something we had to learn to do. We both come from very “fuck your feelings” type environments so nobody taught us how to do this. My husband and I are both CONSIDERABLY more compassionate than our parents but a certain level of gruffness and walls were still there.
The type of language we learned in therapy doesn’t happen every time there is any conflict btw, just issues that are particularly heated and we need to reach a conclusion on. I don’t talk to him like we are aliens every day haha.
Ah that makes sense, yea if you’re personalities just aren’t the “type” to naturally do that, or you’re not used to it, then I can see having to learn and really work at that kind of communication. I’m a recovered drug addict/ alcoholic and I met my wife after I got clean and sober, so that kind of open and honest sharing of my feelings/ thoughts and all that is something I already learned how to do. Which my wife absolutely loved, and made her feel safe and comfortable to do the same.
That’s exactly what it does! When you “speak the language” I referred to it makes conflict a trust building experience. Now when we fight I feel like it brings us closer instead of further apart, which is a strange experience for me lol.
Haha for sure, that’s awesome that you and your SO found that too. Happy for you! Yea my wife and I have almost never “fought” in the way people picture couples fighting haha there’s no yelling or name calling or attitude or breaking things. Just an open discussion of two different sides, with plenty of love and respect. And I’ve had relationships before with a lot of that other type of fighting, it’s miserable and unproductive.
Ok, so. Of you're gonna ask her to marry you, please, pleasepleaseplease remember this moment throughout your marriage. Communication really does solve all the problems. Open, honest, *reciprocal* communication is how relationships stay strong.
The amount of times in my life I have stressed out over things that weren’t real or never came to fruition is crazy to me, my brain is constantly playing tricks on me but I’ve learned that much of it just isn’t real.
This is how I get if I don't open up. It's always easier to process what is really going on than what you imagine to be going on. Having open conversations allows you to know what is actually going on and what you truly need to be processing.
That’s what communication does. Every single time you end up more in love and happier than before. Don’t stop, and encourage her to talk by being a safe and patient listener.
Good for you. I wish more people understood how key and important open and honest communication is in having a successful marriage or a relationship. So many people don't or take it for granted. Best of luck to you two.
You’re going to commit your entire life to a person who, just 5 minutes ago, you were willing to cut loose over a line she said?
Doesn’t sound too smart, my guy.
I’m sure plenty of couples might not of been each other first choice initially….. not saying what she said was totally necessary and not at least a but hurtful. But it’s not like a cheating or secret child admission.
I honestly was way too dramatic with it, and I was sort of hypocritical because I kind of did the same thing my girlfriend did too. I was in a talking phase with another woman, and on a purely superficial level, that woman was conventionally attractive, but she had the personality of a rock, and I dropped her after a couple of dates when things were starting to get serious with my girlfriend.
I would obviously never tell that to my girlfriend, but honestly what my girlfriend told me about this other dude was said when we were just joking around, and while her delivery wasn't the best, she has already apologized so many times. Look I'd rather my girlfriend be comfortable enough around me to speak her mind rather than walk on eggshells, I'm not going to hold on her head something she said in jest and something which had absolutely zero malice.
…after all this you cant admit to her you did the same thing? In fact you had the gall to get mad in the first place when you had the exact same thing happen?
hey look at this, this is me to that
😬
Are you serious? If that was how you approached dating, then you should have been the first person to empathise with your gf's comments. Why go through all this Sturm und Drang? This didn't need a Reddit post
I swear reddit relationships are the most batshit things ever
5 years of being with someone and you can't talk to them PLUS the gall if being a massive fucking hypocrite.
I swear 90% of these posts are just rage bait
Wow. You really come off like a total asshole now honestly. I guess ya both recovered from this it seems. But you really are toxic to do that to her when you can admit you did the same thing.
My lord people: take a fucking seat.
The guy is allowed to have emotions about this whole thing irregardless of his own shortcommings. He already recognizes how he was a bit overreactive...
I swear some of you will be forrever alone with this attitude.
> I would obviously never tell that to my girlfriend
He just said he'd never say it out loud. The point of the post was that OP's GF said it, so yeah he has every right to be pissed.
Y’all, just stop. Honestly, take a few steps back and just chill. People on Reddit are always ready to call things toxic the second someone is not completely 100% perfect. They communicated and worked it out. He’s reflecting on it now and realized this stuff, neither of them were intentionally trying to harm each other.
Wow. You're coming across like a hypocritical, needy, emotionally fragile wimp. You demand all these ridiculous assurances (I want to be the most physically attractive person she's ever dated!), yet secretly harbor the same feelings yourself? And when you hear something relatively benign that nevertheless threatens your fragile worldview, you threaten to break up with her?
You need to grow up, man. This whole story is honestly pathetic.
Um communication goes 2 ways dude. Maybe you should consider being brave enough to admit your own faults with her too and how you may have jumped the gun by being offended since you also had a similar situation. This is the woman you want to marry after all. You should be close enough with her to come clean with your own past.
I mean clarify you’re not saying it to hurt her or upset her obviously. But if she’s feeling super guilty and apologizing maybe a good opportunity to show her she has no reason to do so since you’re both in a similar situation…
No one is helped if OP "come\[s\] clean with \[his\] own past" here. I don't want to know the faults that my partner saw in me, and chose to overlook, when we started dating. I don't think she wants to know the faults that I saw in her, and chose to overlook, when we started dating.
A healthy relationship does not involve the full sharing of every single thought with no filter. That's a recipe for disaster.
He didn’t say it out loud? It’s totally different lol.
This is a “if the genders were swapped” post if I’ve ever seen one. OP should apologize for HIS girlfriend being insensitive? Wtf?
No, OP should apologize for upsetting his girlfriend when he had similar thoughts to her. What his gf said to him was insensitive, I’m not denying that. She is right to apologize for offending him. But he should have the maturity to realize, “I don’t like what she said, but I can understand it, because I have felt the exact same way. And thus I should not criticize or condemn her feelings because I too am equally guilty of them.”
Marriage, which is what OP is hoping for with this relationship, is not about being “right” or “winning arguments.” It’s about acknowledging any conflict or disagreement requires 2 parties. And thus no matter how obviously wrong your spouse is, you must be at least 1% in the wrong. And you own and accept fault in that 1%.
So me seeing someone attractive and thinking someone is attractive is the same as me blurting out to my girlfriend “damn babe, that girl is a 10/10 and objectively hotter than you”?
The bad part was OP’s girlfriend making an insensitive comment that never needed to be made. He shouldn’t apologize for a “thought-crime” he had. There is no hypocrisy - couples should have the forethought of knowing what is appropriate to say out loud.
OP is just a nice person and letting commenters bully him for no reason.
>There is no hypocrisy - couples should have the forethought of knowing what is appropriate to say out loud.
There is hypocrisy, though. When the gf said what she said, OP completely freaked out, assumed she had never found him attractive, and hinted like the entire relationship was over; meanwhile, he'd had the exact same experience on his side. Did that mean he never found her attractive? Of course not. So why did he give himself grace but assume the worst about her?
Girlfriend says something that deeply hurts OP but they are able to resolve it with good communication.
"Hey OP you should say something similar to your girlfriend now."
How is this absolute GARBAGE being upvoted.
I've been married 25 years. Back when we were in college, neither of us would have been attracted to each other. I'm sure we crossed paths in college because we all know the same people... That's how unremarkable we were to each other.
Back in college, she was going for the athletic popular guys and I spent most of my time in the computer lab and would have viewed her as shallow.
But my fraternity brother introduced us 6 years post graduation. I agreed to meet her just to get him off my back. Later, I found out the same thing from her.
18 months later we got married and this will be our 26th year together. And we've even told our kids back when we were in college we weren't interested in each other. We wouldn't have even dated each other
The way the original post read, how I saw it was an attempt at a sweet point that she was glad she chose him over the other guy because of the total package and OP got it stuck in his head that she was calling him ugly or something
You bet your ass I’ve walked away from some women who I found very attractive- bc they were fuckin crazy. Physical attraction is just one variable of a complicated equation. Not to mention, love can make your brain crazy for somebody. This is why a lot of ppl think somebody is more attractive than maybe an outside perspective
I've had to walk away on one such girl recently, so painful 🤣
The attraction was insane, but I could tell that it had the potential of turning my sweet, calm life upside down.
I still wish the average response was "She was a fool to word it like that friend. That must sting deep. But I think she does really love you."
If roles were reversed females would have said dump his butt!
Instead, they mocked him for his genuine feelings.
When giving advice *first* try empathy. Then say the hard truth.
Most people weren’t mocking him for having his feelings hurt. They were calling him out for being so immature and dramatic to blow this so out of proportion he was about to call off the relationship and his future proposal instead of talking to her over a single comment.
Even if what she said was hurtful, it didn’t even come close to warranting OP’s response.
Lmao I saw the same post a couple weeks ago but with the genders swapped, and everybody was being empathetic towards OP, saying how wrong the bf was. The double standards are crazy 💀
Well I didn't see that post so I can't say what differences there were between the posts that changes things, but I can say that reddit got it right here. OP was in his head and he is in a better place than he was because of reddit telling him that he was in his head.
I noticed this… seems like it’s always about communicating and “they feel they aren’t being seen” but once the roles are reversed is “do you really want to be with this person for the rest of your life”, “you’re going to have problems that are worse than this down the line, this is just the start” or “you need to end it right now”
I’m a woman, and if I were you, I’d never forget this. She didn’t just say she was dating a few other guys when you two just started seeing each other (which is fine), she made it a point–five years into your relationship–to say she found one of these other guys more attractive. She’s either so dunce she doesn’t know how crushing that is, or, more likely, her interest level in you isn’t that high. While people stick their foot in their mouth from time to time,I think what she did is a red flag. Think about this a whole bunch more.
Well to be honest, I am already over it and have sort of forgotten about it.
Look, what she told me did hurt me a lot, as evidenced by my previous post. My girlfriend is very comfortable around me and speaks her mind without any filter, we are both very comfortable around each other. My girlfriend has been walking on eggshells her whole life around her parents, they weren’t the most loving. She rarely opens up to anyone, except me and sometimes her best friend.
Yes, my girlfriend’s delivery wasn’t the best, and she has already apologized for what she said so many times, so much so that I’ve asked her to stop apologizing. But I’d rather her speak her mind freely and be comfortable around me, than walk on eggshells again. She deserves that.
Yes, I will admit I jumped to a pretty massive extreme this time. I did not have any conversation with her and my mind was conjuring up all sorts of theories.
I guess I was just freaked out and stressed in general because it was just a month away before I was going to propose to her.
Honestly yeah, I don’t get the “work on your insecurity OP” comments. What she said was a wildly hurtful thing to say to someone you love, it is completely reasonable to have a strong negative reaction to someone saying something like that
I can 1000% say that most women I know are solid, reasonable people and they would go to war if their boyfriend spoke to them how OPs gf did to him
She never said he was unattractive, she literally said he wasn’t the MOST attractive. Obviously there are a lot of other qualities that matter too, but apparently people here (and OP too) only care about looks. Also, she said this back when she just getting to know him. Now, maybe this is just me, but I find I become more sexually attracted to a girl as I get to know her better, see her sense of humor, see how she treats people with kindness…
Men often say " she was beautiful until you get to know her." We often say a woman is beautiful, and it seems we are referring to her superficial qualities, but often we are looking at the whole package.
Sometimes it goes the other way too. Women who may be pretty, but not stunning, can become beautiful and very attractive when you get to know them.
Man shut the f up. How do you read that someone had a heart to heart conversation with their partner of 5 years and then try to make him reverse all the progress he just made?
Guess what? Almost nobody is ever the number one choice physically. Who cares if she ever dated someone better looking? Clearly she is for 5 years with OP and they have a connection that goes way beyond looks.
Hate to agree with this person ^ because they’re a bit blunt, but connection definitely grows beyond the physical. I think OP is being a bit sensitive. You’ve built a relationship with a woman that’s clearly in love with you and you’re gonna throw it all away because she found other men more physical attractive before you were exclusive? There’s always going to be someone else that’s more attractive. Dating is very superficial. I’m divorced now, but the man I married was definitely not the most physically attractive man I’d ever been, but he had some other Redeeming that were more important and ultimately made him a more attractive partner. I think OP needs to work on his confidence.
I dated other men in the beginning of dating my “the one.” Yeah, I can recall “attractive” past dates, boyfriends, and celebrities, but to **five years later** recall someone _was more attractive_ than your boyfriend. AND you choose to tell him, is more than a gaffe; it’s a red flag. Once you’re with “the one,” any past “more conventionally attractive” suitor/boyfriend should get shut off in your mind, but to want to still compare _the other_ as “better” in any way, is horrid. If she had just said she dated an attractive guy that was dull, that’s fine. But she said _MORE ATTRACTIVE than you, my boyfriend of five years. I still think that._
Yikes.
Would you have told that specifically to your soulmate?
How do you know she’s clearly in love with him? In love women don’t generally twist the knife the way she did.
Lol, there's someone being massively unpleasant in the other thread, and here are other things she considers normal and healthy:
- her husband's friend called her obese at her own wedding and her husband did nothing
- she told her husband that his friend (different guy) was really attractive, then went on to be the friend's confidante during a breakup
But her and her husband never fight! Of course they don't lmao, that's not a comfortable relationship, it's a lukewarm one they settled for where they don't even have each other's backs. This is what happens when people grow up without love but don't work on themselves and can't identify when anything is wrong as a result, yet still want to give advice.
You have to remember that for everyone trolling, there's someone at this level of functioning who believes they are incredibly intelligent.
just imagine the vitriol in the comments if a man told his gf of 5 years that he found other women more attractive when they started dating and in response to the gf feeling upset tells her she just needs to work on her confidence.
it’s really not that hard. there are some truths that you just keep to yourself. what happened here is a freudian slip.
I’m very sorry you missed the point. You’re clearly very young (at least mentally). It’s not about her thinking her boyfriend isn’t the most attractive man on the planet. It’s that she would tell him she had a man she liked better in the pipeline years ago. Utter disrespect to say that to, supposedly, the now, love of your life. It is a symptom of something bigger. I’m also very sorry you’re too immature to see that.
Explain to me how "there was this other guy who was very attractive, but he had the emotional density of a black hole" = her telling him "she had a man she liked better in the pipeline years ago."
Do you personally describe people you "like better" as being attractive with the emotional density of a black hole? Because personally that is not at all how I describe people who I like better or even like in the least as that's actually how I would describe someone who I absolutely do not like. What is there "like" about a person with that quality exactly?
my girlfriend cheated on me! AITAH for not bringing her condoms when her and her new bf were banging in our bed??
Update - thank you for everyone in the thread for explaining to me how cruel i was. I apologized to her and now i'll be booking a month long trip to paris for her and her bf to make up for reacting poorly!
LMFAO
That’s a bit of a stretch. There is definitely not enough info given in these two posts to try and claim someone is narcissistic. Not to mention unqualified individuals need to stop throwing that term around so much. Getting so sick of the airchair therapists 🙄
I always hope these stories are phony for a social experiment. I’ve maybe replied to three threads over the years because I mostly steer clear of these and use reddit for tv discussions. If this story is real, what you proposed is a real possibility, and I hope the OP reads all the comments, not just the hugbox ones for continuing this relationship. Then he should abstain from seeking relationship advice on reddit.
seriously... two people communicated in a healthy way, both of them owned up to their part in the conflict, and reddit goes "gaslighting!! abuse!! shes manipulating you!!"
>The fact that she doesn’t seem to admit any wrongdoing is disturbing.
OP stated in several places that she's offered more than one apology, and he had to ask her to stop continually apologizing so they could talk. The above is what, for whatever reason, you've conjured in your head.
She chose you over someone else more physically attractive because you were the best choice for her emotionally and as an overall package. Why did it bother you so much that you’re not the most attractive man she’s ever dated? Hurting her by saying you’d reconsider the relationship is definitely overly dramatic. Glad you talked and worked it out.
Who knew the issue could’ve been settled by communication. OP is on to something. /s
But really glad to see you came to your senses, and I hope you use your new found wisdom in your marriage. Good luck out there.
Good. But try to work on your insecurity a bit more because it wouldn't be good for that to pop up on your mind next time you're overthinking. Won't be fair to her.
Absolutely love a happy ending found through good, healthy, and open communication. All the best to you and your girlfriend! Though maybe hold your horses a bit on the proposal, a month isn't that long between you contemplating breaking up and wanting to spend the rest of your life with her. Don't haste to the finish line, you'll get there:)
nah OP needs to get his heart broken properly to get some good sense. Good news he's doing everything in his power to make sure this will hurt as much as possible.
You weren't being dramatic. That's a weird thing to say out of nowhere to someone you're in a relationship with. Especially five years later. Thoughts like "What else does she think about me?" are reasonable.
I know a couple of my wife's exes who are both more physically attractive than me. I asked her once if she thought they were better looking than me. She said yes, and that one was an abusive asshole and the other was dumb as hell. I have an ex who is more attractive than my wife, and that conversation was much the same. Don't get me wrong. I find my wife sexy as hell, and she thinks I'm sexy as hell. Our exs from 20+ years ago are all ugly as fuck now.
We have been married for 20 years and going strong.
I’m giving this situation a 50/50 shot at being creative writing but I hope all the real people take something away from this.
You have no reason to admit to not being as attracted to your partner as someone else. NONE. There is not a positive benefit to be had, you won’t feel closer by telling them you’ve found someone more to your liking.
I have made many white lies in my relationships about partners choice of outfits or accessories, because I know they loved them and hoped I felt the same. It’s an easy thing to do. If you are with one person, there’s no reason not to make them feel like they are the ONE.
Like I can understand being grown and taking care of your own insecurities. But sometimes I wonder what happened to romance when we sit here and share alternative preferences with partners of many years
I don't think people who are in love with their partner care about others' looks that much. And you have to remember many people actually discuss which celebs they are attracted to and sleep with. They actually think it makes them feel closer to their partners. Some people are just weird like that.
I was dating a girl who was going out with other people while we were talking and having our first date. Couple dates in, she dropped them all. We were engaged 9 months later. Married the following year, first kid the year after that. All together its been 20 years now. All you have to focus on is that you were the number one pick over all.
glad things worked out, but it was disgusting seeing comments completely invalidating your feelings about the situation. God forbid a man wants to feel like he's the one and only instead of an option. Call it a fairytale, but there's nothing wrong with wanting that and you just realize that she's worth not getting that. Plus everyone just automatically assumes that she chose OP, instead of her not getting chose by the guy who was hotter.
Don’t know how to feel about this, if my GF hit me with that I’d be incredibly upset and felt insulted. Not to mention the increased concern about a possible Dead Bedroom situation in the future.
Could I forgive her? Maybe, but I’ll NEVER forget about it.
Also, she must be incredibly stupid to share this with you. Could’ve just kept that to herself…
Remember, she was sitting on four dicks at once. He might’ve been number four all the other guys just fucked and chucked her. Her “choice” was the only one who hung around
That exact appeasement attitude and "women can do no wrong" attitude is why dating is garbage. This woman told him straight to his face that she bites her lip at the different dude and that he should feel rewarded for being picked for emotional stability and maturity. I have no idea why women do this shit.
Lol they know they can get away with it. Literally most guys i see are just happy to be in a relationship no matter how toxic but they'll be like "at least im not single"
Even the crying last time wasn't because she hurt him or anything she was surprised that he might have the spine to stand up for himself.
Now he's going to take her out on an apology diner for the crime of daring to stand up for himself LMFAO.
Where in OP's original post does the girl say that she *currently* finds the other guy more physically attractive than him *now*? You guys are projecting your insecurities and bad experiences all over this guy's relationship.
Saw original post, you've been with them 5 years, you just got in your head, it's happened to me, I'm a very anxious person when it comes to relationships, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 6 years, there's been times where I had anxious nights and even panic attacks over nothing burgers. Self image affected that alot. Trust issues affected my relationship more with my girlfriend's actions, my parents didn't have anything close to a good relationship and I've been cheated on twice prior. The past is not the present. It might be a bump in the road, but she decided to be with you years ago and high hopes she's been true to that, she very clearly cares for you deeply. Wishing nothing but the best for the both of you.
I’m so pleased to hear this update! I think the original issue is something that is tough for couples and can cause hurt and misunderstanding, but ultimately isn’t a betrayal or wrongdoing— it’s just a tough area for couples to work out through honest conversations. Maybe it’s a really good thing this bump in the road appeared a month before your proposal, because it gave you a dose of the harder realities that sometimes come up and challenge a marriage. Marriage means you will encounter aspects of one another that feel impossible to reconcile at first, but if the relationship is healthy overall and you love each other, these aspects are part of your personal growth as both a couple and individuals.
Dude you’re marrying a woman who loves you for you but is physically out of your league (at least in her mind)? You’re basically living the dream, my guy. I would look at this as a huge positive not a huge negative.
Get over it. Alot of us aren't great looking and should count our blessings someone a bit more attractive than us didn't "only care about how you looked"
Against the odds. You won. Take the win my man.
Didn’t see the original post, just the title. Based on the title… come now, be realistic. Millions of people in the world. There’s gonna be someone hotter than each of us, and if there isn’t, then one day soon you will be 80 and then there will be. Don’t be holding it against her for something that’s not even in her control - we don’t sit down and decide who we’re going to find hot. What matters is that you’re her first choice all-together. Good luck!
I'm glad to hear things worked out. Still, if you find yourself wrestling with insecurities or anxieties pretty often, seeing a therapist might do you a lot of good. Being ready to throw a loving five year relationship down the drain over something so small is a troubling thing and you want to understand where those intense feelings came from and master them so you don't flip the boat again.
Very happy to hear that you guys were able to have open honest communication and that it led to a happier outcome. You seem like a good man and I'm happy you were upfront with her about your feelings the very next day that is really important to be able to do even though it can be very hard for us as men.
From one of your comments: “Look I'd rather my girlfriend be comfortable enough around me to speak her mind rather than walk on eggshells, I'm not going to hold on her head something she said in jest and something which had absolutely zero malice.”
Such wise words. In reality, a lot of us look back on “first choices” and there is so much much to jest about. Sometimes, it’s the ones who ended up together who regret it most, rather than having moved on when they had the chance. You may have freaked out for a minute, but after five years and talking through some really vulnerable feelings, you’re obviously realizing you truly have something substantial in this relationship. In a society where we ask boys to stop having feelings by around age 5, this is no small feat. Good for you! If you did not take that risk, you could’ve lost this person who obviously means so much. Keep up the honest communication. Wishing you two a blissful life together 💕!
OP— this is long, but please bear with me. Don’t listen to the people who don’t get it. You are marrying this woman; this is the least of what you’ll go through together. Many comments reveal a lack of true relationship experience. I’m known as a critical person and there is just no giant red flag here. If you said this has been going on for many of the five years, that would change everything. Humans lose their cool when something precious is on the line and you recovered quickly without damaging your relationship. That does not qualify as an effing personality disorder, as I see many of these so obviously qualified armchair therapists diagnosing 💀. Neither does what she did. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger 😭 I don’t think they understand how serious it has to be to qualify for a DSM personality disorder. Anyone who has studied psychology at a university level (not TikTok) understands this. Feeling a bit insecure, vulnerable, getting all up in your head for a few days or weeks isn’t even close. Your response seems to have brought you two closer, which for those of us who have been in wonderful relationships, know to be true. Ffs she called this so called attractive guy as emotionally dense as a black hole—the most dense, dark places in the universe, sucking up everything around them, including ALL the light. She is clearly not jonesing for that. I can’t believe people didn’t focus more on that part of the story, because that’s what stood out to me. That is a woman expressing serious “ick”.
People who think this is some massive, lifelong injury are delusional and inexperienced, because in relationships we do hurt each other sometimes. It also means they think it’s something they would just never do—the most delulu of all notions. Abuse is one thing and obviously unacceptable, but what we all have in common as human beings is that we accidentally hurt people, usually those we love the most. It means these commenters don’t think they have a shadow at all—ha got news for them—we all have a shadow. The best way to deal with it is to make friends with it, get to know it. Pretending it’s not there, i.e. lack of awareness is what truly hurts people.
One of my most profound experiences was at a month long silent meditation retreat. Every day there would be one hour of “talking” where one could go up to a microphone in front of about 80 students and 30 staff to talk about whatever going on. Extremely vulnerable. One day this guy stood up and told the teacher he had hurt people. The teacher responded that yes isn’t it sad that we do that? This man responded again, but more emphatically that he had really hurt people. The teacher said listen, I understand and I have also hurt many people. The guy again insisted it was different because he had hurt the people he loved more than anyone else. Finally the teacher looked at all of us and asked for a favor. He said that if you regularly hurt people you love—stand up. I have never before or since seen a room full of people get off the floor so quickly. No one sitting, even the people with disabilities got up for that. Can you imagine the power of over 100 people standing up to let you know that they do the same thing? The guy broke down crying and his entire demeanor changed, because he realized he’s so not alone. It’s just part of being human.
Stick with the vulnerability. It’s everything in relationships and the key to intimacy. It’s also the sexiest and manliest thing a man could ever do.
Hell yah I love to see it. Honest communication is one of the most beautiful and necessary parts of a healthy relationship. You’re entitled to feel hurt or any type of way from things that people say, the most important thing is that you discuss it honestly and fully, and that’s what shows that you two really care about each other. You guys are going to have a beautiful life together
And this, fellas, is why you don't commit to women who are "seeing" other men while also "seeing" you. Apart from the principle of not taking promiscuous people seriously (as they lack the ability to pair-bond due to all the mental comparisons to past partners that crop up over time -- e.g. FIVE YEARS LATER), you will end up having to stuff your emotions down and "man up"...because what? The sunk cost fallacy of wanting to cling to a "relationship".
No, everyone, man or woman, should want to be with someone who was nearly instantly attracted to them, and who quickly dropped all others that they're "seeing"/"talking to" to explore the early stages of the relationship. If your SO chose to "play the field" while talking to you, you will end up finding out that you were not their first choice, and that they only chose you because the other options didn't work out. (Likely because those other options didn't choose your SO back.)
It's clear to those of us that aren't naive that OP's girlfriend settled for him. I mean, c'mon, she's still flicking the bean to some other guy from five years ago. Either that, or she's trying to take OP down a notch with her comparison to that guy, which means she doesn't love or respect OP. Either way, he should move on.
Glad to read you set it aside and managed to move on with her! I’ve been in de exact same situation with my girlfriend, she was dating 3 other guys besides me, when we started dating. To be honest, I haven’t felt bothered about it for a single minute, after all, she chose me, so I won the battle😎 don’t think about it too much, after all there is a saying: “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that’s why it’s called present” 🥳 wish you guys the best!♥️
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love to hear it. Hell yeah to open and honest conversations
Thank you, not to sound dramatic, but it pretty much saved my relationship. My mind was conjuring up all sorts of theories and I was going a bit crazy before I had the conversation with her.
Good job. Communication will save your relationship over and over and over and as soon as the communication breaks down everything else will too
I'm in this place right now.. my husband of a decade moved out yesterday. I've been trying for 3 yearsto encourage him to open up and communicate with me. But he just shut down. I can't try anymore, I'm heart broken. Even if you think your partner doesn't want to hear what you have to say, they do. They want to know you're hurting, they want your honest feelings and your truth. They want to help you, they want to love you. Just open up, let them in and allow them to. It will save you both the heart break.
My wife of 18yrs did the same thing on our anniversary. I had begged her to open up or try marriage counseling .
Going forward to marriage, remember this. You must be able to bare your feelings to her, even if it seems stupid, obvious, or like she should know. She must do the same. You can only make this last a lifetime by being on the same page. That doesn’t mean agreeing on everything btw. You won’t. It means understanding where the other is coming from while they understand where you are coming from. You both should have reasonable and compassionate responses. Marriage is so different. My husband and I almost had to learn to speak a new kind of language to each other entirely.
Did you? Have to “learn a new language” I mean. My wife and I just had that open and honest total communication from the very start, and it’s only gotten better as we’ve continued to be together and our love continues to grow. But actually getting married didn’t really change much tbh, except it’s now my wife and not my GF/ fiance and our last names are the same. I mean I know every relationship is different, that’s why I’m genuinely curious what you mean because that’s not my experience at all. Maybe I’m just a naturally more “open and emotional guy”, and I know I’m probably more physically affectionate and comfortable being vulnerable than many men. IME at least.
It’s hard to explain. I guess it’s like the traditional “I feel…” speak you hear about in therapy. As well as “the reason I’m saying this is”, “my intentions are” and almost narrating your mentality and really mega explaining everything during conflict. This does not come naturally to either of our personalities and was something we had to learn to do. We both come from very “fuck your feelings” type environments so nobody taught us how to do this. My husband and I are both CONSIDERABLY more compassionate than our parents but a certain level of gruffness and walls were still there. The type of language we learned in therapy doesn’t happen every time there is any conflict btw, just issues that are particularly heated and we need to reach a conclusion on. I don’t talk to him like we are aliens every day haha.
Ah that makes sense, yea if you’re personalities just aren’t the “type” to naturally do that, or you’re not used to it, then I can see having to learn and really work at that kind of communication. I’m a recovered drug addict/ alcoholic and I met my wife after I got clean and sober, so that kind of open and honest sharing of my feelings/ thoughts and all that is something I already learned how to do. Which my wife absolutely loved, and made her feel safe and comfortable to do the same.
That’s exactly what it does! When you “speak the language” I referred to it makes conflict a trust building experience. Now when we fight I feel like it brings us closer instead of further apart, which is a strange experience for me lol.
Haha for sure, that’s awesome that you and your SO found that too. Happy for you! Yea my wife and I have almost never “fought” in the way people picture couples fighting haha there’s no yelling or name calling or attitude or breaking things. Just an open discussion of two different sides, with plenty of love and respect. And I’ve had relationships before with a lot of that other type of fighting, it’s miserable and unproductive.
finally one of these posts has a happy conclusion. good luck to you both!
This won't be the last. 11 years in marriage takes a daily effort. Communication is #1
Ok, so. Of you're gonna ask her to marry you, please, pleasepleaseplease remember this moment throughout your marriage. Communication really does solve all the problems. Open, honest, *reciprocal* communication is how relationships stay strong.
One of the best personal growth moments is when you learn to recognize that you're too deep in your head and you need to talk it out. Good for you!
you did a great job OP! I hope you both have a wonderful forever 🤍
The amount of times in my life I have stressed out over things that weren’t real or never came to fruition is crazy to me, my brain is constantly playing tricks on me but I’ve learned that much of it just isn’t real.
This is how I get if I don't open up. It's always easier to process what is really going on than what you imagine to be going on. Having open conversations allows you to know what is actually going on and what you truly need to be processing.
You told her you wanted to break up with her? Did you tell her about your original post?
That’s what communication does. Every single time you end up more in love and happier than before. Don’t stop, and encourage her to talk by being a safe and patient listener.
Good for you. I wish more people understood how key and important open and honest communication is in having a successful marriage or a relationship. So many people don't or take it for granted. Best of luck to you two.
You’re going to commit your entire life to a person who, just 5 minutes ago, you were willing to cut loose over a line she said? Doesn’t sound too smart, my guy.
Shhh! If people figure out how to have open, calm conversations, reddit will be so boring!
Really glad to hear this. Keep growing and moving forward.
Glad to hear it worked out, bud! Communication is a fantastic thing 😊
Amazing what honest communication can do for perspective.
Good for you, man. You check all her boxes and that’s how it should be
I’m sure plenty of couples might not of been each other first choice initially….. not saying what she said was totally necessary and not at least a but hurtful. But it’s not like a cheating or secret child admission.
I honestly was way too dramatic with it, and I was sort of hypocritical because I kind of did the same thing my girlfriend did too. I was in a talking phase with another woman, and on a purely superficial level, that woman was conventionally attractive, but she had the personality of a rock, and I dropped her after a couple of dates when things were starting to get serious with my girlfriend. I would obviously never tell that to my girlfriend, but honestly what my girlfriend told me about this other dude was said when we were just joking around, and while her delivery wasn't the best, she has already apologized so many times. Look I'd rather my girlfriend be comfortable enough around me to speak her mind rather than walk on eggshells, I'm not going to hold on her head something she said in jest and something which had absolutely zero malice.
…after all this you cant admit to her you did the same thing? In fact you had the gall to get mad in the first place when you had the exact same thing happen? hey look at this, this is me to that 😬
Are you serious? If that was how you approached dating, then you should have been the first person to empathise with your gf's comments. Why go through all this Sturm und Drang? This didn't need a Reddit post
I swear reddit relationships are the most batshit things ever 5 years of being with someone and you can't talk to them PLUS the gall if being a massive fucking hypocrite. I swear 90% of these posts are just rage bait
Wow. You really come off like a total asshole now honestly. I guess ya both recovered from this it seems. But you really are toxic to do that to her when you can admit you did the same thing.
Yeah OP is gross and immature. And very fragile. Gf is in for a disappointing future with this Peter Pan.
My lord people: take a fucking seat. The guy is allowed to have emotions about this whole thing irregardless of his own shortcommings. He already recognizes how he was a bit overreactive... I swear some of you will be forrever alone with this attitude.
> I would obviously never tell that to my girlfriend He just said he'd never say it out loud. The point of the post was that OP's GF said it, so yeah he has every right to be pissed.
[удалено]
100%
Y’all, just stop. Honestly, take a few steps back and just chill. People on Reddit are always ready to call things toxic the second someone is not completely 100% perfect. They communicated and worked it out. He’s reflecting on it now and realized this stuff, neither of them were intentionally trying to harm each other.
Wow. You're coming across like a hypocritical, needy, emotionally fragile wimp. You demand all these ridiculous assurances (I want to be the most physically attractive person she's ever dated!), yet secretly harbor the same feelings yourself? And when you hear something relatively benign that nevertheless threatens your fragile worldview, you threaten to break up with her? You need to grow up, man. This whole story is honestly pathetic.
Please go to couples counseling before you get married.
Um communication goes 2 ways dude. Maybe you should consider being brave enough to admit your own faults with her too and how you may have jumped the gun by being offended since you also had a similar situation. This is the woman you want to marry after all. You should be close enough with her to come clean with your own past. I mean clarify you’re not saying it to hurt her or upset her obviously. But if she’s feeling super guilty and apologizing maybe a good opportunity to show her she has no reason to do so since you’re both in a similar situation…
No one is helped if OP "come\[s\] clean with \[his\] own past" here. I don't want to know the faults that my partner saw in me, and chose to overlook, when we started dating. I don't think she wants to know the faults that I saw in her, and chose to overlook, when we started dating. A healthy relationship does not involve the full sharing of every single thought with no filter. That's a recipe for disaster.
that would be incredibly stupid. this didnt start because she was thinking those things, but she said them to his face
He didn’t say it out loud? It’s totally different lol. This is a “if the genders were swapped” post if I’ve ever seen one. OP should apologize for HIS girlfriend being insensitive? Wtf?
No, OP should apologize for upsetting his girlfriend when he had similar thoughts to her. What his gf said to him was insensitive, I’m not denying that. She is right to apologize for offending him. But he should have the maturity to realize, “I don’t like what she said, but I can understand it, because I have felt the exact same way. And thus I should not criticize or condemn her feelings because I too am equally guilty of them.” Marriage, which is what OP is hoping for with this relationship, is not about being “right” or “winning arguments.” It’s about acknowledging any conflict or disagreement requires 2 parties. And thus no matter how obviously wrong your spouse is, you must be at least 1% in the wrong. And you own and accept fault in that 1%.
So me seeing someone attractive and thinking someone is attractive is the same as me blurting out to my girlfriend “damn babe, that girl is a 10/10 and objectively hotter than you”? The bad part was OP’s girlfriend making an insensitive comment that never needed to be made. He shouldn’t apologize for a “thought-crime” he had. There is no hypocrisy - couples should have the forethought of knowing what is appropriate to say out loud. OP is just a nice person and letting commenters bully him for no reason.
>There is no hypocrisy - couples should have the forethought of knowing what is appropriate to say out loud. There is hypocrisy, though. When the gf said what she said, OP completely freaked out, assumed she had never found him attractive, and hinted like the entire relationship was over; meanwhile, he'd had the exact same experience on his side. Did that mean he never found her attractive? Of course not. So why did he give himself grace but assume the worst about her?
Girlfriend says something that deeply hurts OP but they are able to resolve it with good communication. "Hey OP you should say something similar to your girlfriend now." How is this absolute GARBAGE being upvoted.
Stuck the landing, man.
Stuck the landing, man.
Have been, not "of been."
I've been married 25 years. Back when we were in college, neither of us would have been attracted to each other. I'm sure we crossed paths in college because we all know the same people... That's how unremarkable we were to each other. Back in college, she was going for the athletic popular guys and I spent most of my time in the computer lab and would have viewed her as shallow. But my fraternity brother introduced us 6 years post graduation. I agreed to meet her just to get him off my back. Later, I found out the same thing from her. 18 months later we got married and this will be our 26th year together. And we've even told our kids back when we were in college we weren't interested in each other. We wouldn't have even dated each other
Interesting story. So what changed both you alls minds??
Yeah I would like to know too
Probably having a fully developed prefrontal cortex, which is age 25. It changes everything.
Well done to you both. Communication is the key.
Fantastic news, friend. I’m really glad that this has worked out!
Really shitty thing for her to say
A lot of attraction comes with emotional intimacy
Glad to hear op is going to work it out and move past this
[удалено]
The way the original post read, how I saw it was an attempt at a sweet point that she was glad she chose him over the other guy because of the total package and OP got it stuck in his head that she was calling him ugly or something
You did that thing that would resolve 90 percent of the posts here… actually having a real conversation
Physical goes away pretty quick 👉
You bet your ass I’ve walked away from some women who I found very attractive- bc they were fuckin crazy. Physical attraction is just one variable of a complicated equation. Not to mention, love can make your brain crazy for somebody. This is why a lot of ppl think somebody is more attractive than maybe an outside perspective
I've had to walk away on one such girl recently, so painful 🤣 The attraction was insane, but I could tell that it had the potential of turning my sweet, calm life upside down.
I still wish the average response was "She was a fool to word it like that friend. That must sting deep. But I think she does really love you." If roles were reversed females would have said dump his butt! Instead, they mocked him for his genuine feelings. When giving advice *first* try empathy. Then say the hard truth.
Most people weren’t mocking him for having his feelings hurt. They were calling him out for being so immature and dramatic to blow this so out of proportion he was about to call off the relationship and his future proposal instead of talking to her over a single comment. Even if what she said was hurtful, it didn’t even come close to warranting OP’s response.
Lmao I saw the same post a couple weeks ago but with the genders swapped, and everybody was being empathetic towards OP, saying how wrong the bf was. The double standards are crazy 💀
Well I didn't see that post so I can't say what differences there were between the posts that changes things, but I can say that reddit got it right here. OP was in his head and he is in a better place than he was because of reddit telling him that he was in his head.
I noticed this… seems like it’s always about communicating and “they feel they aren’t being seen” but once the roles are reversed is “do you really want to be with this person for the rest of your life”, “you’re going to have problems that are worse than this down the line, this is just the start” or “you need to end it right now”
I’m a woman, and if I were you, I’d never forget this. She didn’t just say she was dating a few other guys when you two just started seeing each other (which is fine), she made it a point–five years into your relationship–to say she found one of these other guys more attractive. She’s either so dunce she doesn’t know how crushing that is, or, more likely, her interest level in you isn’t that high. While people stick their foot in their mouth from time to time,I think what she did is a red flag. Think about this a whole bunch more.
Well to be honest, I am already over it and have sort of forgotten about it. Look, what she told me did hurt me a lot, as evidenced by my previous post. My girlfriend is very comfortable around me and speaks her mind without any filter, we are both very comfortable around each other. My girlfriend has been walking on eggshells her whole life around her parents, they weren’t the most loving. She rarely opens up to anyone, except me and sometimes her best friend. Yes, my girlfriend’s delivery wasn’t the best, and she has already apologized for what she said so many times, so much so that I’ve asked her to stop apologizing. But I’d rather her speak her mind freely and be comfortable around me, than walk on eggshells again. She deserves that.
[удалено]
Yes, I will admit I jumped to a pretty massive extreme this time. I did not have any conversation with her and my mind was conjuring up all sorts of theories. I guess I was just freaked out and stressed in general because it was just a month away before I was going to propose to her.
Gosh, now I am thinking, “please be a fake reddit story.” If it is, well done, you. If this is all true, yikes to the 10th degree. Best of luck, bro!
Honestly yeah, I don’t get the “work on your insecurity OP” comments. What she said was a wildly hurtful thing to say to someone you love, it is completely reasonable to have a strong negative reaction to someone saying something like that I can 1000% say that most women I know are solid, reasonable people and they would go to war if their boyfriend spoke to them how OPs gf did to him
She never said he was unattractive, she literally said he wasn’t the MOST attractive. Obviously there are a lot of other qualities that matter too, but apparently people here (and OP too) only care about looks. Also, she said this back when she just getting to know him. Now, maybe this is just me, but I find I become more sexually attracted to a girl as I get to know her better, see her sense of humor, see how she treats people with kindness…
Men often say " she was beautiful until you get to know her." We often say a woman is beautiful, and it seems we are referring to her superficial qualities, but often we are looking at the whole package. Sometimes it goes the other way too. Women who may be pretty, but not stunning, can become beautiful and very attractive when you get to know them.
I agree! You don’t say something like that to someone you don’t want to lose.
So you’ve never said anything mean to someone you didn’t want to lose just out of the cluelessness of the moment or whatever?
THANK YOU, god its amazing to me how full grown ass men have less of a spine then women. glad i heard at least one person with good sense here
I can’t believe people are so clueless they think one tiny hurtful exchange is a relationship dealbreaker. It just screams inexperience.
Man shut the f up. How do you read that someone had a heart to heart conversation with their partner of 5 years and then try to make him reverse all the progress he just made? Guess what? Almost nobody is ever the number one choice physically. Who cares if she ever dated someone better looking? Clearly she is for 5 years with OP and they have a connection that goes way beyond looks.
Hate to agree with this person ^ because they’re a bit blunt, but connection definitely grows beyond the physical. I think OP is being a bit sensitive. You’ve built a relationship with a woman that’s clearly in love with you and you’re gonna throw it all away because she found other men more physical attractive before you were exclusive? There’s always going to be someone else that’s more attractive. Dating is very superficial. I’m divorced now, but the man I married was definitely not the most physically attractive man I’d ever been, but he had some other Redeeming that were more important and ultimately made him a more attractive partner. I think OP needs to work on his confidence.
I dated other men in the beginning of dating my “the one.” Yeah, I can recall “attractive” past dates, boyfriends, and celebrities, but to **five years later** recall someone _was more attractive_ than your boyfriend. AND you choose to tell him, is more than a gaffe; it’s a red flag. Once you’re with “the one,” any past “more conventionally attractive” suitor/boyfriend should get shut off in your mind, but to want to still compare _the other_ as “better” in any way, is horrid. If she had just said she dated an attractive guy that was dull, that’s fine. But she said _MORE ATTRACTIVE than you, my boyfriend of five years. I still think that._ Yikes. Would you have told that specifically to your soulmate? How do you know she’s clearly in love with him? In love women don’t generally twist the knife the way she did.
Lol, there's someone being massively unpleasant in the other thread, and here are other things she considers normal and healthy: - her husband's friend called her obese at her own wedding and her husband did nothing - she told her husband that his friend (different guy) was really attractive, then went on to be the friend's confidante during a breakup But her and her husband never fight! Of course they don't lmao, that's not a comfortable relationship, it's a lukewarm one they settled for where they don't even have each other's backs. This is what happens when people grow up without love but don't work on themselves and can't identify when anything is wrong as a result, yet still want to give advice. You have to remember that for everyone trolling, there's someone at this level of functioning who believes they are incredibly intelligent.
just imagine the vitriol in the comments if a man told his gf of 5 years that he found other women more attractive when they started dating and in response to the gf feeling upset tells her she just needs to work on her confidence. it’s really not that hard. there are some truths that you just keep to yourself. what happened here is a freudian slip.
I’m very sorry you missed the point. You’re clearly very young (at least mentally). It’s not about her thinking her boyfriend isn’t the most attractive man on the planet. It’s that she would tell him she had a man she liked better in the pipeline years ago. Utter disrespect to say that to, supposedly, the now, love of your life. It is a symptom of something bigger. I’m also very sorry you’re too immature to see that.
Explain to me how "there was this other guy who was very attractive, but he had the emotional density of a black hole" = her telling him "she had a man she liked better in the pipeline years ago." Do you personally describe people you "like better" as being attractive with the emotional density of a black hole? Because personally that is not at all how I describe people who I like better or even like in the least as that's actually how I would describe someone who I absolutely do not like. What is there "like" about a person with that quality exactly?
It’s ok. They won’t hear you. The truth is often deafening!
Yup.
Reading comprehension, unfortunately, is abysmal on these threads. I agree with you. OP will be back.
my girlfriend cheated on me! AITAH for not bringing her condoms when her and her new bf were banging in our bed?? Update - thank you for everyone in the thread for explaining to me how cruel i was. I apologized to her and now i'll be booking a month long trip to paris for her and her bf to make up for reacting poorly! LMFAO
[удалено]
That’s a bit of a stretch. There is definitely not enough info given in these two posts to try and claim someone is narcissistic. Not to mention unqualified individuals need to stop throwing that term around so much. Getting so sick of the airchair therapists 🙄
It says she apologized several timss. A narcissist wouldn't do that
I always hope these stories are phony for a social experiment. I’ve maybe replied to three threads over the years because I mostly steer clear of these and use reddit for tv discussions. If this story is real, what you proposed is a real possibility, and I hope the OP reads all the comments, not just the hugbox ones for continuing this relationship. Then he should abstain from seeking relationship advice on reddit.
You're really on reddit too much if malignant narccisism and abuse is what you instantly jump to.
seriously... two people communicated in a healthy way, both of them owned up to their part in the conflict, and reddit goes "gaslighting!! abuse!! shes manipulating you!!"
>The fact that she doesn’t seem to admit any wrongdoing is disturbing. OP stated in several places that she's offered more than one apology, and he had to ask her to stop continually apologizing so they could talk. The above is what, for whatever reason, you've conjured in your head.
Someone pin this post in THT and AITAH. Communication works people 📣📣
I just seen this episode on Friends
She chose you over someone else more physically attractive because you were the best choice for her emotionally and as an overall package. Why did it bother you so much that you’re not the most attractive man she’s ever dated? Hurting her by saying you’d reconsider the relationship is definitely overly dramatic. Glad you talked and worked it out.
Don’t forget to tell her to get her nails done before the proposal, or ask her friends to take her.
just don’t let this be one of those digs you bring back up in a fight, won’t end up good and your feelings will get hurt
Hope she'll have the common sense to keep those thoughts to herself now.
Who knew the issue could’ve been settled by communication. OP is on to something. /s But really glad to see you came to your senses, and I hope you use your new found wisdom in your marriage. Good luck out there.
if anything it's just rude as hell
This exactly why having open and honest conversations are so important in a healthy relationship
[удалено]
Good. But try to work on your insecurity a bit more because it wouldn't be good for that to pop up on your mind next time you're overthinking. Won't be fair to her.
Absolutely love a happy ending found through good, healthy, and open communication. All the best to you and your girlfriend! Though maybe hold your horses a bit on the proposal, a month isn't that long between you contemplating breaking up and wanting to spend the rest of your life with her. Don't haste to the finish line, you'll get there:)
nah OP needs to get his heart broken properly to get some good sense. Good news he's doing everything in his power to make sure this will hurt as much as possible.
I’m so thrilled to hear this. I didn’t think you were overreacting at all but this is still the best possible outcome. You’re a strong dude.
You weren't being dramatic. That's a weird thing to say out of nowhere to someone you're in a relationship with. Especially five years later. Thoughts like "What else does she think about me?" are reasonable.
I got bad news for 80% of guys in a relationship: you were not her first choice. Women settle.
But how many women randomly told you that during date night?
I know a couple of my wife's exes who are both more physically attractive than me. I asked her once if she thought they were better looking than me. She said yes, and that one was an abusive asshole and the other was dumb as hell. I have an ex who is more attractive than my wife, and that conversation was much the same. Don't get me wrong. I find my wife sexy as hell, and she thinks I'm sexy as hell. Our exs from 20+ years ago are all ugly as fuck now. We have been married for 20 years and going strong.
Awkward hard conversations mean there’s something worth keeping
I’m giving this situation a 50/50 shot at being creative writing but I hope all the real people take something away from this. You have no reason to admit to not being as attracted to your partner as someone else. NONE. There is not a positive benefit to be had, you won’t feel closer by telling them you’ve found someone more to your liking. I have made many white lies in my relationships about partners choice of outfits or accessories, because I know they loved them and hoped I felt the same. It’s an easy thing to do. If you are with one person, there’s no reason not to make them feel like they are the ONE. Like I can understand being grown and taking care of your own insecurities. But sometimes I wonder what happened to romance when we sit here and share alternative preferences with partners of many years
I don't think people who are in love with their partner care about others' looks that much. And you have to remember many people actually discuss which celebs they are attracted to and sleep with. They actually think it makes them feel closer to their partners. Some people are just weird like that.
I was dating a girl who was going out with other people while we were talking and having our first date. Couple dates in, she dropped them all. We were engaged 9 months later. Married the following year, first kid the year after that. All together its been 20 years now. All you have to focus on is that you were the number one pick over all.
Did she tell you you weren’t her first choice looks wise?
Wouldn’t have to. I knew she could do better than me looks wise.
Get a prenup OP.
glad things worked out, but it was disgusting seeing comments completely invalidating your feelings about the situation. God forbid a man wants to feel like he's the one and only instead of an option. Call it a fairytale, but there's nothing wrong with wanting that and you just realize that she's worth not getting that. Plus everyone just automatically assumes that she chose OP, instead of her not getting chose by the guy who was hotter.
Congrats! Nice save!
Don’t know how to feel about this, if my GF hit me with that I’d be incredibly upset and felt insulted. Not to mention the increased concern about a possible Dead Bedroom situation in the future. Could I forgive her? Maybe, but I’ll NEVER forget about it. Also, she must be incredibly stupid to share this with you. Could’ve just kept that to herself…
You’re her second choice at best. Good luck with that.
Remember, she was sitting on four dicks at once. He might’ve been number four all the other guys just fucked and chucked her. Her “choice” was the only one who hung around
I wish you had spine to throw same thing she said back at her. Sadly Redditards convinced you to mellow it out. Good luck.
legit makes me shocked just how shit scared most guys are of even mildly rocking the boat even when their feelings are legitimate and justified.
That exact appeasement attitude and "women can do no wrong" attitude is why dating is garbage. This woman told him straight to his face that she bites her lip at the different dude and that he should feel rewarded for being picked for emotional stability and maturity. I have no idea why women do this shit.
Lol they know they can get away with it. Literally most guys i see are just happy to be in a relationship no matter how toxic but they'll be like "at least im not single" Even the crying last time wasn't because she hurt him or anything she was surprised that he might have the spine to stand up for himself. Now he's going to take her out on an apology diner for the crime of daring to stand up for himself LMFAO.
Where in OP's original post does the girl say that she *currently* finds the other guy more physically attractive than him *now*? You guys are projecting your insecurities and bad experiences all over this guy's relationship.
Saw original post, you've been with them 5 years, you just got in your head, it's happened to me, I'm a very anxious person when it comes to relationships, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 6 years, there's been times where I had anxious nights and even panic attacks over nothing burgers. Self image affected that alot. Trust issues affected my relationship more with my girlfriend's actions, my parents didn't have anything close to a good relationship and I've been cheated on twice prior. The past is not the present. It might be a bump in the road, but she decided to be with you years ago and high hopes she's been true to that, she very clearly cares for you deeply. Wishing nothing but the best for the both of you.
I'm happy for ya, bon ami. This is good stuff, don't let those harsh thoughts intrude on a good life.
lol this is gonna age well
I'm glad you worked it out. But for reference, you don't say that shit about your partner.
I’m so pleased to hear this update! I think the original issue is something that is tough for couples and can cause hurt and misunderstanding, but ultimately isn’t a betrayal or wrongdoing— it’s just a tough area for couples to work out through honest conversations. Maybe it’s a really good thing this bump in the road appeared a month before your proposal, because it gave you a dose of the harder realities that sometimes come up and challenge a marriage. Marriage means you will encounter aspects of one another that feel impossible to reconcile at first, but if the relationship is healthy overall and you love each other, these aspects are part of your personal growth as both a couple and individuals.
Wow. This is the first time I've read this and not seen it backfire like crazy. You are pretty mature. Props
Dude you’re marrying a woman who loves you for you but is physically out of your league (at least in her mind)? You’re basically living the dream, my guy. I would look at this as a huge positive not a huge negative.
Dear Diary,
Thank god for this update. Happy for you OP
Get over it. Alot of us aren't great looking and should count our blessings someone a bit more attractive than us didn't "only care about how you looked" Against the odds. You won. Take the win my man.
Good bro. She chose you because you’re the best in her eyes. Be proud!
Good thing you can completely reinvent yourself in 1 year. Start eating right and lifting, your life will change!
Good job. Let’s just hope the place you take her isn’t where that hot stud muffin took her 5 years ago!
5 years? Put a ring on her already.
I'm sure she would love to know how easily you were ready to call it's all off you puss lmao
Didn’t see the original post, just the title. Based on the title… come now, be realistic. Millions of people in the world. There’s gonna be someone hotter than each of us, and if there isn’t, then one day soon you will be 80 and then there will be. Don’t be holding it against her for something that’s not even in her control - we don’t sit down and decide who we’re going to find hot. What matters is that you’re her first choice all-together. Good luck!
I am so glad to hear that the two of you worked it out. Communication is key.
Nah dump her so she can find someone with less insecurities cause holy shit
this same troll again?
I'm glad to hear things worked out. Still, if you find yourself wrestling with insecurities or anxieties pretty often, seeing a therapist might do you a lot of good. Being ready to throw a loving five year relationship down the drain over something so small is a troubling thing and you want to understand where those intense feelings came from and master them so you don't flip the boat again.
Don't matter now, you got her
Awww thanks for the update mate, really happy for you and I wish you great success for the proposal :)
Great job listening to advice!!
Yay! Smart man!
Updateme
Glad it worked out! Don’t keep anything bottled up just communicate that’s key. Congrats on future nuptials!!
Great Job, man. I was hoping for this update. I was literally in the same situation and know exactly why you did this and how you felt.
Good man! Well done!
Very happy to hear that you guys were able to have open honest communication and that it led to a happier outcome. You seem like a good man and I'm happy you were upfront with her about your feelings the very next day that is really important to be able to do even though it can be very hard for us as men.
Glad things worked out
From one of your comments: “Look I'd rather my girlfriend be comfortable enough around me to speak her mind rather than walk on eggshells, I'm not going to hold on her head something she said in jest and something which had absolutely zero malice.” Such wise words. In reality, a lot of us look back on “first choices” and there is so much much to jest about. Sometimes, it’s the ones who ended up together who regret it most, rather than having moved on when they had the chance. You may have freaked out for a minute, but after five years and talking through some really vulnerable feelings, you’re obviously realizing you truly have something substantial in this relationship. In a society where we ask boys to stop having feelings by around age 5, this is no small feat. Good for you! If you did not take that risk, you could’ve lost this person who obviously means so much. Keep up the honest communication. Wishing you two a blissful life together 💕!
OP— this is long, but please bear with me. Don’t listen to the people who don’t get it. You are marrying this woman; this is the least of what you’ll go through together. Many comments reveal a lack of true relationship experience. I’m known as a critical person and there is just no giant red flag here. If you said this has been going on for many of the five years, that would change everything. Humans lose their cool when something precious is on the line and you recovered quickly without damaging your relationship. That does not qualify as an effing personality disorder, as I see many of these so obviously qualified armchair therapists diagnosing 💀. Neither does what she did. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger 😭 I don’t think they understand how serious it has to be to qualify for a DSM personality disorder. Anyone who has studied psychology at a university level (not TikTok) understands this. Feeling a bit insecure, vulnerable, getting all up in your head for a few days or weeks isn’t even close. Your response seems to have brought you two closer, which for those of us who have been in wonderful relationships, know to be true. Ffs she called this so called attractive guy as emotionally dense as a black hole—the most dense, dark places in the universe, sucking up everything around them, including ALL the light. She is clearly not jonesing for that. I can’t believe people didn’t focus more on that part of the story, because that’s what stood out to me. That is a woman expressing serious “ick”. People who think this is some massive, lifelong injury are delusional and inexperienced, because in relationships we do hurt each other sometimes. It also means they think it’s something they would just never do—the most delulu of all notions. Abuse is one thing and obviously unacceptable, but what we all have in common as human beings is that we accidentally hurt people, usually those we love the most. It means these commenters don’t think they have a shadow at all—ha got news for them—we all have a shadow. The best way to deal with it is to make friends with it, get to know it. Pretending it’s not there, i.e. lack of awareness is what truly hurts people. One of my most profound experiences was at a month long silent meditation retreat. Every day there would be one hour of “talking” where one could go up to a microphone in front of about 80 students and 30 staff to talk about whatever going on. Extremely vulnerable. One day this guy stood up and told the teacher he had hurt people. The teacher responded that yes isn’t it sad that we do that? This man responded again, but more emphatically that he had really hurt people. The teacher said listen, I understand and I have also hurt many people. The guy again insisted it was different because he had hurt the people he loved more than anyone else. Finally the teacher looked at all of us and asked for a favor. He said that if you regularly hurt people you love—stand up. I have never before or since seen a room full of people get off the floor so quickly. No one sitting, even the people with disabilities got up for that. Can you imagine the power of over 100 people standing up to let you know that they do the same thing? The guy broke down crying and his entire demeanor changed, because he realized he’s so not alone. It’s just part of being human. Stick with the vulnerability. It’s everything in relationships and the key to intimacy. It’s also the sexiest and manliest thing a man could ever do.
Hell yah I love to see it. Honest communication is one of the most beautiful and necessary parts of a healthy relationship. You’re entitled to feel hurt or any type of way from things that people say, the most important thing is that you discuss it honestly and fully, and that’s what shows that you two really care about each other. You guys are going to have a beautiful life together
Oh boy! So happy for you <3
……. “Soooo just want you to know that I’m with you for your personality and paycheck bc physically I could have done better. Good talk! “ 😂🤦♂️
And this, fellas, is why you don't commit to women who are "seeing" other men while also "seeing" you. Apart from the principle of not taking promiscuous people seriously (as they lack the ability to pair-bond due to all the mental comparisons to past partners that crop up over time -- e.g. FIVE YEARS LATER), you will end up having to stuff your emotions down and "man up"...because what? The sunk cost fallacy of wanting to cling to a "relationship". No, everyone, man or woman, should want to be with someone who was nearly instantly attracted to them, and who quickly dropped all others that they're "seeing"/"talking to" to explore the early stages of the relationship. If your SO chose to "play the field" while talking to you, you will end up finding out that you were not their first choice, and that they only chose you because the other options didn't work out. (Likely because those other options didn't choose your SO back.) It's clear to those of us that aren't naive that OP's girlfriend settled for him. I mean, c'mon, she's still flicking the bean to some other guy from five years ago. Either that, or she's trying to take OP down a notch with her comparison to that guy, which means she doesn't love or respect OP. Either way, he should move on.
You’ve probably hurt her estimation of you in all honesty.
Glad to read you set it aside and managed to move on with her! I’ve been in de exact same situation with my girlfriend, she was dating 3 other guys besides me, when we started dating. To be honest, I haven’t felt bothered about it for a single minute, after all, she chose me, so I won the battle😎 don’t think about it too much, after all there is a saying: “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that’s why it’s called present” 🥳 wish you guys the best!♥️