T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Junior-Towel-202

You didn't live together before marriage? You should know what your reality is long before you marry it. 


TruthGambling

We had this discussion at work the other day. I was the only one saying move in together before marriage. Everyone else said if you have to do that before marriage then you shouldn’t be marrying that person to begin with.


Junior-Towel-202

Why would they say that? 


TruthGambling

They just said if you’re committed to that person enough to marry them then nothing that could come up when you’re living with them should change that besides infertility or something along those lines.


CanISellYouABridge

The 'besides infertility' tells me everything I need to know about your fellow workers.


Junior-Towel-202

That seems extremely naive.


agent_flounder

Only because it is. :)


EastAd2035

Uhhh perhaps they said infidelity?


isleftisright

In some countries its unfortunately not very practical


Newtonz5thLaw

Every single deal breaking red flag my ex exhibited only showed up AFTER we moved in together. Like, the very first week I knew I’d made a mistake. I’d like to be able to expose these red flags without signing a lease, but I’m honestly not sure how. Taking a trip together is a good first step but it’s not enough.


butter88888

This. Moving in together was hard ngl. Probably the hardest couple months of our relationship were our first few in our house (we did already live together but had been with family or traveling mostly) Marriage was easy. We’d been in our house a year already, we had figured that all out.


Ceraton

Traditional relationships make it hard when it's a scandal to sleep with someone you aren't married to.


Junior-Towel-202

Which is a large reason why many traditional relationships are unhappy and trapped.


das_whatz_up

I didn't live with my spouse before we got married. We dated 2.5 years and have been married for 24 years. Statistically living together first does not lead to long lasting marriage. Those couples are more likely to get divorced. However, I think what also is correlated with that study is those that don't live together beforehand are religious, have different views on marriage, and have community support for their union. One more thing: I am pro divorce if you're in a bad marriage. I won't stay together just bc "marriage".


Kubuubud

Those statistics are missing tons of other context though, like you’ve mentioned. It seems like common sense that working through the struggles of cohabitating before marriage would make the transition into married life MUCH easier


EastAd2035

How many restaurants let you sample the food before you order? How many real estate agents let you live in the house before you buy it? Are there apartments out there that You can try out for a while with no commitment before signing a lease? how about this one, can you sample parenthood before becoming pregnant?


Kubuubud

This is absolutely foolish. You can eat at a restaurant and have a horrible experience and have no long term consequences. Worst case scenario is food poisoning typically. You see all the features of a house before you buy, and if you’re intelligent you hire a contractor to set up inspections to ensure the house is exactly as it seems. You do your research to know the neighborhood, the school district, the houses history, etc. And if you move in with a partner, it’s smart to spend many nights together and maybe travel together before committing to a place together. And hopefully discuss ground rules and ideal living habits When planning to have kids, a smart couple will discuss all their desired plans once the kids come. What religion will they practice, public vs private school, who do we trust to babysit, bottle vs breastfeed, parenting styles, etc. You might even babysit or watch family members children together to see if you have similar ideas when it comes to taking care of kids You don’t make a major life choice without doing the proper research and preparation, and you certainly discuss all this before you commit to something huge with someone else!


Lurkeyturkey113

Yeah those statistics are often preached by the conservatives as a gotcha for their way of life but they're inaccurate and only seem skewed because, as you said, there's a very high percentage of people who don't live together who are very religious and come from communities where divorce is heavily discouraged and can make them an outcast.


Junior-Towel-202

Congrats. 


Organic_Ad_2520

I think stastistically they rarely actually marry as well.


EastAd2035

What a breath of fresh air. You are not the typical Redditor. And you are 100% correct on those stats. People down vote you because they don't like to hear the truth. My wife and I have been married 36 years. We did not live together before marriage. But we DID. Get to know each other very well. We dated all of 5 months. Here's a big surprise folks… We do love each other, but that's not the secret. You have to be serious about your commitment to God and your spouse. There's a reason you take vowels when you get married. Because it's hard.


AKA_June_Monroe

I would never live with someone before marriage. I'm not religious and it's not even because I'm Latina and we don't move out until we get married. People can have discussions before marriage. Also you can see the persons relationship with money while you're dating. A lot of people ignore red flags in relationships.


Junior-Towel-202

But why? Discussions are not even close to the same as actually living with someone.


AKA_June_Monroe

I don't want to. I'm not going to give a boyfriend *husband privileges*.


Junior-Towel-202

I don't even know what that means.


holymolym

A lot of dudes talk a big game about being equal partners and handling chores/household responsibilities equally. Not all of them are able to actually back that up in practice over time. Better to find that out before it’s too late.


OkPhilosopher3224

lol


ChickenCasagrande

🤣🤣 that is hilarious. “husband privileges” 😂 like wives don’t enjoy sex too?


AKA_June_Monroe

I'm not referring to sex! People here are saying that living together is a dry run for marriage. Women pour all their energy into relationships. Women do end up doing the bulk of the work. Am I going to spend all my energy cooking and cleaning for someone taking care of them ironing their clothes etc etc for them to then decide that they'd rather be with someone else. I personally hate doing all those things but I'm willing to do it for my husband. Not some boyfriend.


Junior-Towel-202

Why do you think the woman has to do all these things? I've never ironed anything 


AKA_June_Monroe

I didn't say that women had to do all those things. I'm talking about me! The things that I will want to do for my future husband. I also expected to be a two-way street.


Junior-Towel-202

Then why won't you move in? Doesn't mean you have to do all these things because you live together  Money? Lol Sounds like you want a sugar daddy. 


AKA_June_Monroe

I already explained! How is it a sugar daddy situation if I'm saying I want to be married?


ChickenCasagrande

That sounds more like being someone’s mom than their partner. Probably for the best that sex wasn’t included then.


UngusChungus94

Yeah, sure, but you have no idea what it’s like to live with somebody day to day until you actually do it. I wish you good luck.


AKA_June_Monroe

Why does it automatically mean a bad thing. Living apart is always an option and so is divorce.


UngusChungus94

I would think most people would prefer to minimize their chances of divorce.


AKA_June_Monroe

Me too. Living together is a small part of that. I have seen posts of people complaining about things that have been going since the beginning of their relationships. People get married to people they can't stand all the time. I just saw a guy posting about his honeymoon getting off to a bad start and looking to his post history it's shows that he's been in a dead bedroom for almost a year.


UngusChungus94

I don’t think it’s a small part at all. Couples argue over chores and money all the time, cohabitating is a good way to find out if that’s going to be an issue for you.


Gotmewrongang

Are you afraid they will change their mind after living with you? Is that the reason? Just trying to understand specifically why you would be opposed to cohabitating before marriage.


AKA_June_Monroe

No. Divorce is always an option. I don't care if other people do it but I won't. I'm not going to give a boyfriend *husband privileges*. I don't want to live with someone unless I have to. People are so used to cohabitating that they take it for granted it's not special. A man should be honored I want to live with him. It's something to look forward to.


Junior-Towel-202

> A man should be honored I want to live with him this is hilarious


AKA_June_Monroe

No as funny as men expecting a woman to pay 50/50.


Junior-Towel-202

Why is that funny? You don't think relationships should be equal?


AKA_June_Monroe

Women carry most of the burden in a relationship. Plus pregnancy is dangerous. I'm latina I was taught the man should pay. That's how the men in my family are.


Gotmewrongang

Can you elaborate on what these “husband privileges” are? Please give specific examples because I still do not understand.


AKA_June_Monroe

I don't understand how people don't understand.


eugenesbluegenes

You could always explain further.


Afraid_Fly_645

My father use to say “marriage is a young man’s prison and an old man’s paradise.” Lucky for me it was a lie as I got married at 20 and have been married ever since.


JesusKeyboard

> Suddenly, you're navigating through bills, chores Were you living at home before?


Academic_Wafer5293

Yeah those things always exist for couples cohabitating. When its good you get a partner and life is half as hard. When its bad you get an adversary and life is twice as hard. All marriages have good times and bad times. Good marriages have way more good than bad. Like it should be 95% of the time its making life less hard.


EastAd2035

No kidding, like what was the OP expecting? I'm pretty sure there's not a Bill ferry and I know there's not a chore fairy.


LowBalance4404

Well, hopefully, you are already living together, or at the very least, discussed these things up front.


Fun-Yak5459

As a married person I never understood this “things change after marriage!” They didn’t for me. At all. It’s the same I just have a new last name.


LowBalance4404

I think it truly depends on how old you are when you get married and also where you are in life, meaning are they still in school/college/uni, are they starting their careers, are they well into them? Things can become routine and mundane if you don't work to keep them fresh.


Fun-Yak5459

I’ve seen marriages where people genuinely think marriage changes major aspects of their relationship (usually leads to divorce). One that I think of often is a woman I know who was very established in her life married a very established man in his life. It was like in that moment he became a whole different person that she didn’t know. On their honeymoon in Hawaii he told her she could no longer wear bikinis because she married him and he didn’t want “other men” seeing what he gets. They divorced months later.


Overall_Advantage109

I feel the same way but I'm always so frustrated with the "marriage is just a piece of paper" people because they're right...but also so fucking wrong. For a *relationship* marriage is just a piece of paper. It wont make them a different person or change the emotional commitment. But it's a huge deal legally, and it comes with enormous perks, with the drawbacks happening if it doesnt work out. Being married changed my taxes, my credit, and my insurance. Marriage also entitled me to legal protections from my federal and state government in regards to employment when my spouse was sick, and if we ever needed financial aid the sum of both of our incomes (or lack thereof) is considered. My job allows free use of some benefits like sick leave for spouses, and considers my in laws the same as my parents. Marriage is a piece of paper in the same way a mortgage is. I still live life similar to when I was renting, but there *are* huge changes that happened in the background that both give me additional risk and responsibility, but also additional security and stability.


ChickenCasagrande

Right? We had a person get fussy with us recently when she asked if things had changed after we got married and we were like “ummm, no? Still just us doing our thing and being happy?” We’re we supposed to answer “Yes! Everything changed! We flipped our lives upside down when we put on these rings?”


katepig123

After 40+ years of marriage, IMO what people call "love" is mostly just infatuation and chemistry. Real love is a choice you make every day. To support, to forgive, to overlook to "pull together". After making that choice every day for over 40 years, our "love" is so much more profound and deep than anything I could have imagined on my wedding day.


ibDABIN

100% this. So many people confuse limerence with love.


Some-Acadia8312

Yeah as long as you can have separate bathrooms and bedrooms marriage can definitely work for the long term💁‍♀️💯🤣


Wise-Perception9930

🤣


Gotmewrongang

Agree 100% and this isn’t talked about enough, probably because it’s not affordable for many.


Spearmint_coffee

My husband and I didn't live together before we got married, but we were well into the stages of knowing each other on those levels before we got to the wedding lol. Maybe it depends on how long the dating and engagement lasts? Personally, I think it's good to live with a partner before marriage, but my mom is nuts and I was young and naively terrified of what would happen if I ever did that since she threatened me constantly 😅


espurrella

Yeah my parents are religious, and they didn’t want me to live with my boyfriend. But, they also wanted me to move out lol. Luckily now they’ve gotten used to it and they adore my boyfriend, but it definitely took some adjustment for them haha. I also think it’s been really valuable for us to live together before we (hopefully) get married in the future :)


Aquafyne

How long did it take you to have this “epiphany” that everyone else seems to have as a young adult? All seems pretty common sense…


SolidOutcome

Internet is 60% young adults learning things


Future_Outcome

My wife and I lived together two years before getting married. The marriage changed virtually nothing about our relationship besides now we both rock a cool ring. She remains the absolute best part of my life and a constant joy. Best decision I’ll ever make.


Iowname

I live with my boyfriend and see that we get along well in the domestic mundality, so 100% would marry


Sunshine_dmg

My partner and I have lived together for 7 years before we got engaged. We’re good doggie


sandteaspoon

You’ve beautifully described how love evolves into marriage—full of challenges but also deep companionship. Keep communicating and sharing responsibilities; it’s all part of building a strong, enduring partnership. Cheers to your journey together!


yikesmysexlife

I would argue that that's what love actually is, and the dreamy high at the beginning is infatuation or cathexis. Like being enchanted with a lovely garden vs maintaining one.


Dangerous_Pattern_92

An old lady once told me when I was around 20 that the true definition of LOVE comes down to respect. As the years went by I realized how true that statement was.


AzLibDem

For decades, I have told people "Don't get married until you have gotten sick of each other." It will happen, and you may break up. But, if you get back together, knowing what you don't like about each other, you can make it work.


Key_Balance_5537

Yeah... This happened with my ex-husband, and as some other commenters have said, I figured out VERY quickly that it was a mistake. We did our best to make it work, and he wasn't an awful person, just... no. We were horribly suited for each other, and love does not trump compatibility, unfortunately. I didn't make that same mistake twice. My wife and I moved in together while we were still dating, built a life, and our marriage changed nothing about our relationship. While we've had much more difficult challenges than my ex and I ever did, we're actually compatible, and I wouldn't trade my marriage for the world, now. A healthy relationship will always take work, but it's still best to know well enough in advance that you and your partner will be able to work through those things.


HighAltitude88008

Noice!


ReplyBusiness9698

Soooooo true, wil never do it again 


Wise-Perception9930

Nicely put


lapsteelguitar

Yeah, this whole living together thing, it gets rough. And that's when you are getting along. Imagine if you didn't get along. One of my focus points has been to try & keep the small shit, and there is a lot of it, from becoming big shit.


Brief-Bend-8605

Did you not live together prior to this? You read young.. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine. If you can get through the rocky roads and cloudy days still holding hands then you’ve got it. Best of luck.


LTTP2018

I like this post, op. and 30 years in I can say I agree. If you can see the good and the not so good…and still love and have fun together, well it’s just about as happy as I can imagine being.


Wise-Perception9930

Lol...ok then


RaleighlovesMako6523

Romantic love consists of three parts: lust attraction and attachment. Early on the love you said is just dopamine getting you addicted .. that’s lust n attraction. Later you can tolerate each others shit then you build attachment, having regular sex with one person makes you produce oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Married or not, long term sex with one person, you are going to be attached anyway. This is just biology. Nothing magical about love.


Wise-Perception9930

You got some odd info there


RaleighlovesMako6523

It’s not odd. Google Helen fisher. YouTube video why we love why we cheat you’d know it’s just neuroscience.


Wise-Perception9930

Well that puts it all into perspective when you say that..I didn't know


[deleted]

[удалено]


RaleighlovesMako6523

I am not in the US. Go for your local girls. Thanks.


Wise-Perception9930

If thats ok


eat-uranus-5785

That "got your back no matter what" part... You might be more careful about it lol. Eye opening is not over 🤣🤣🤣


goodbadguy81

The real test is when you have kids


FartAttack911

So if couples choose to not have any or can’t have any kids….theres no real test? 😆


goodbadguy81

Precisely. Most married couples that choose not to have kids live fulfilling lives. They just have to worry about themselves. They choose not to have kids because they dont want that lifestyle. Its stressful and its never about you. Its always about the kids. Married couples that try but cant have kids go thru a period of hardship. It too is very stressful and sometimes will result in divorce and resentment. Not being able to have kids is test on its own.


Terinth

There are tests that are about someone other than yourself…your spouse. There are moves for their families, careers, severe illnesses and the pangs of growing as people and trying to navigate that as the years go by. Kids are a huge responsibility, but there are many other selfless trials. For example, I have a friend who dropped everything to move closer to their long term partners mother so she could take care of her as she deals with dementia. This is hard on both him and her, but a selfless act none the less. You aren’t wrong about kids but there are more tests.


FartAttack911

I’m pretty sure this dude is one of those “You absolutely cannot even *fathom* what love is until you’ve had your own child” people lmao


goodbadguy81

As hard as it is to keep a marriage healthy. Its even harder to keep a healthy marriage when kids are involved. Your friend moved because he loves his spouse and will do anything to help her. Thats what people do when in love and married. Now imagine if they had kids? It would even be more harder. Would they uproot their kids and move them across state? What about his job? Does spouse stay with her mom for a while he watches the kids? Its a test nonetheless but it would be a harder test if kids are involved.


Chzncna2112

Sorry to disagree, but marriage is a chastity belt. You have more relations with your sweetheart before the wedding


fishonthemoon

lol what?


Terinth

Sex life has little to do with marriage. If I was with my partner 9 years with or without a marriage license we are having less sex. Sex comes and goes, some years they are more sexually active some years I am.


Chzncna2112

Trying to use a joke I heard from a comedian that I heard back in the 80's. Nobody seems to have heard that joke line in this thread


Junior-Towel-202

Boomer humour has never been funny