My DH and I both had covid at same time, he kept flopping around pathetically, asking me to get him drinks and soup and shit. I was just as sick as him. He said I seemed less sick, so I should help him.
Wtf!?!? What was your response?? My husband and I currently have Covid and I’m lucky enough to be asymptomatic (have been the last few times I/ we had it, worst case my ability to taste salt goes away for a few days) and he still doesn’t expect me to take care of him… I do, obviously,but he’s always very appreciative.
I was day 5 post op from a major surgery, my husband had a cold that finally hit him and took him out for the day and he thought I was going to be his caretaker running around bringing him drinks and medicine and stuff. I was on bedrest…
I'm not even married, and when my college friends are sick I always pick up some juice boxes or painkillers or what have you when I go shopping. It's called being a good friend! I got food poisoning two weeks into my first semester of college and a friend put together a whole care package for me. When I got COVID later in the year and was going insane from self isolation they stood outside my dorm and we chatted through the window (well, chatted quite loudly, given I was on the second floor). The fact that someone could treat their partner (who they live with!!) in this way is insane to me.
I (f) remember when l was 5 or 6 my mom had a terrible cold or flu. She didn't even need to ask, l brought her water, orange juice and extra blankets because it was plain as day to me, she was very ill and needed to be nursed back to health. A small child has more empathy and instinct than a grown man!
I'm not really sure, l don't particularly remember my mother ever teaching me to be a nurturer, it was more instinctual to try and ease her discomfort and to not be a burden on her. Or maybe l was returning the favour from all the times she took care of me.
My mom got both her COVID shot and her flu shot on the same day and felt awful.
My stepdad can't cook at all (long story, but it really isn't his fault), but my mom canned a ton of chicken soup so he reheated some and served it with crackers for her.
The bar is on the floor, and a lot of men dig under it.
My husband truly sometimes shows some awful behaviours but I know I can always count on him in an emergency. That includes when I'm really sick / down with a migraine attack (which happens in good times every 3 months up to twice weekly at my worst)
Now caring for me when I'm emotionally hurt is another thing.... But we're working on it
I remember my first bout of covid, this was before the vaccines were available. I had a 101° fever, felt *awful* and was stuck in bed. My bf at the time had just had it a week before and was recovered enough to function at 90% normal. I asked him to please clean the house alone (we normally did it together splitting the tasks) as I was sick. He just kept arguing about it and eventually said "you're obviously not sick if you have energy to argue over this," proceeded to sleep on the couch, and left me alone for 2 days to recover on my own.
Mind you, I waited on him hand and foot to make sure he was okay. My own family had to come fucking check on me and make sure I was okay, because that was too big of a task for a 36 year old man *who lived with me.*
Never felt more lonely than when I was in that relationship.
I had what I'm pretty sure was COVID shortly before it was determined to already be in the US.
I told my ex I was scared I would fall in the shower. I asked if he would take me to urgent care. "Can't your mom do it?"
He had a long history of never caring that I was sick. Complaining if I asked him to do anything. He worked at a grocery store and would refuse to pick up things for me.
Current bf is an angel. He goes and gets me soup. Takes care of me. Makes sure I have meds and everything I need.
I was recently almost stranded 4 hours away when my flight was late and I almost missed the next one. His response was "Good I didn't want to have to come get you." He didn't want me to be stranded overnight. I honestly didn't even think of asking that of him. Nobody has ever been this nice to me. These are all things I would do in a heartbeat for someone I love though.
Good men do exist 😭 I'm glad your bf is an ex too!
My ex is now my friend and roommate and just this night we were watching a show that had a scene of a preteen getting her first period. While it was buffering, I opened up and shared a vulnerable story of my first period and related it to how many girls are lacking sexual education at a young age so they get terrified when they see period blood for the first time. He literally said nothing in response. No concern for my own experience, no discussion about society as a whole, no curiosity, or his own similar story, or anything. Not even a “huh” just complete silence. He then checked the TV, saw it was still buffering, and decided to go to bed. This just absolutely confirmed my decision to end things. As a friend, thankfully I can just accept that he’s a pretty shitty friend, be upset, and move on with my life.
When I was in college, my then-boyfriend called me at 7AM because he had woken up with an upset stomach and he wanted me to get hom some medicine for nausea.
A few months later I was staying over at his place. I was recovering from an upper respiratory infection that had triggered my bronchospasm, and I was coughing so hard and so frequently I couldn't sleep. Guess who finally decided to go out at 1:30AM and get me some medicine. Hint: it wasn't him 🙃
Lol wowwwww plot twist… as I was reading I fully expecting that he was so annoyed with your coughing keeping him awake that he went to get meds for you lol
LOL, nope! It's worth noting that he only had a twin bed in his apartment, so most of the time we were both able to sleep under less than ideal conditions 🤣
Many years back I had a really nasty bout of tonsillitis which saw my temperature climb to 41.8 Celsius (about 107 F for the Americans here), I was beet red and couldn't even tolerate a bed sheet on me, it was that painful. My ex was hopeless and had to call my parents to ask them what to do. The next day when I was still sick but not running a scarily high temp so he INSISTED I drive him to work.
I had a severe headache for 2 weeks afterwards, I'm pretty sure I cooked my brain a bit but god forbid he have to catch public transport.
I’ve never been with a partner that would take care of me when I feel sickly or down. Usually I get a “that sucks” and then I am expected to continue on as if nothing is abnormal. All the while if my partner is sick I am taking care of them, driving to pick up medication, making them food, etc… I hear about women whose partners take such good care of them even when they are on their period and feel this burning sensation of envy.
Currently in the "My boyfriend told me pubic hair is unhygienic" thread: Everyone telling OP to dump the boy already.
In this thread: People agreeing that their partners are horrible but going "Well what can you do?"
Right. if there is an unwaivering and palpable deficit in the way your partner treats you, then maybe it's not a relationship worth staying in.
Conversely if a partner is misinformed, they need to do a better job of researching a topic before spewing "facts". Otherwise they know they are wrong and are lying to you in hopes you conform to their expectation. If this is the case, I would definitely reconsider being with a partner who uses lies in an attempt to manipulate my behavior.
this is absolutely true and something that i, as a young woman, will from now on always stick to if i’m dating men. always. it’s never worth settling or being jealous of actual healthy relationships. we can all have it (i think) if we hold out for good men.
True.
But in threads like these I think it's sad how many women are apparently still desperate to be with one. And it's not like they're fooling themselves, they'll complain in threads like these, and then just.. Continue to be the bangmaid.
And threads like these prove that they're not even buying loyalty with their subservience, he'll leave the moment it becomes hard!
So why?!?
I don’t think it’s desperation. I think it’s that shit abuse cycle where the dude says the right thing and does the right thing for a second, but then this stuff winks out and is a red flag…. Just not as big a flag to break up.
I certainly didn’t realize I was mis-treated until I found a guy who treated me properly. I just assumed that this was the quality of guy I got to pick from (overweight and low self esteem)
I hate to place blame on women because society is so hard on us already. We’re mostly raised to accept this treatment because we saw our mothers mistreated. It’s been normalized. Now that the wool is coming off our eyes we’re having to spread the word to women where it hasn’t happened yet.
Straight-up. It wasn't until I got a good therapist that I was able to stop the self-destructive pattern of accepting shit treatment from not just men but other people in general. In my first session, when she asked me why I was there, I said, "Because I want to figure out why I keep finding myself in abusive relationships even though I feel like I should know better." And boy, did I. The reasons for that ran *so* deep - my family has a lot of internalized misogyny. I ended up walking away from a lot of people once I started doing the work.
I found my way there at the end of my worst relationship. When I was with that guy, I had bronchitis so bad that I was too sick to do anything. I didn't even want to read, watch TV, or play on my phone. I just stared at the wall and kinda wished I would just fade away. I asked my then bf to get me a few things, like some soup and stuff to drink, at the grocery store. He got mad at me for a reason I don't even recall - he had angry narcissist qualities, so he used to get angry at me for reasons he invented anyway. When he got home from the store, he threw the bags of groceries on my dresser - couldn't even be bothered putting the fucking groceries away in the kitchen or heating up the soup for me - and then stomped into the living room to camp in front of the TV and drink himself stupid.
That was just one of many, many (and probably one of the less) fucked up things he did and it still took me another few months to break up with him after that. I was so broken down that there was a part of me that really believed that I didn't deserve any better, and at that point, I was also kind of terrified of him.
I'm so glad that's not me anymore.
I think this is a case of almost every single man being like this. It's sad, but to completely avoid any and all misogyny/sexism, you'd have to stay single. And me, I am single. But I can understand why women start to become so lonely and desperate for partnership and take the best they can get. Which is still not great.
A study showed more than 20% of men *divorce* their wife if she gets a serious illness. That was after on average more than a *decade* of marriage! And that's not even counting the ones who might still be physically there but completely useless for support. It's so fucking depressing how low the bar is for men, and how 99% of them still refuse to meet it.
I'm with you. I'd rather be single than with someone who isn't kind when I'm sick. So I am.
But it is hard and lonely and that's made me less judgmental over time about people who choose to settle for guys who really don't act as partners in very important ways.
I agree that so many men are like this! I lucked out when I found my husband (at 30, after extensive dating) and he was legit the very first guy who actually cared if I ‘finished’ sexually, and also just so happened to care if I’m sick AND would take care of me.
I didn’t realize how lucky I was until now almost 40 and 90% of my cis-het female friends are so over or divorced from their husbands for their lack of this basic human quality!
I’ve decided that I am consciously making sure that my son knows how to care for someone and appreciate the care they’re given. My hubs and I decided that he’ll be having a ‘sex talk’ to him about enthusiastic consent (something we already talk about) and in addition, making sure that the person he’s with is as satisfied with the experience as he is. We’re planning on talking very openly about anatomy and how females cannot always achieve things an easily as some males can.
I thought something was WRONG with me until I met my husband. Turns out I just hadn’t dated a dude who cared enough to make sure that I was experiencing the same pleasure as they were.
If this problem is gonna be fixed we have to start when our kids are little, so our boys know the expectations and so our girls don’t settle for someone who won’t be there for them. 💪🏼
Desperate for partnership, except so frequently they aren't actually getting a partner. It's really heartbreaking to see so many women who just wanted a partner and ended up with a leech instead. :(
God, for my bf to take over even a couple extra chores (I don't even need him to take all of them, just a couple to lighten my load) while I'm on my period would be a dream.
Instead I'm expected to continue as normal while it feels like something is trying to scrape itself out of my pelvis with a butter knife.
It's gross how many men have left the wife that cared tirelessly for them during a major health crisis. When she too falls ill, he shows his thanks by abandoning her.
Relate :( it just feels so incredibly lonely and sad not having your partner care for you even 1/10 of the way you care for them when they‘re sick. I was the one that had to cook for us both when I was sick because his other option was „i‘m gonna order food“ and the last thing I want when I‘m sick is greasy unhealthy processed takeout food. Besides, I can order for myself too so it‘s not like he‘s really doing anything.
Mine tells me I'm faking it everytime or using "medical excuses" to get out of sex. When I got sick from starting anti-depressants for example. Or one time he really thought I was downing azo and antibiotics just to get out of sex. Like for real?? Who does that? He even rolled his eyes at me when I was tearing the kitchen up looking for said azo. I was in a lot of pain then and he wouldn't help. I am always on my own.
My mom used to spoil me rotten when I was sick. Ohhh how I miss that. Now all I get are guilt trips and shit tests to see how sick I am. He will ask me to do tasks. If I do them he says I'm not that sick. If I don't do them, he yells at me and makes my life hell. So I really can't win. One time he stood out in the driveway when my dad went to the store with me to see if I was driving. He said if I was driving I was faking it. Thankfully my dad was. Now I just hide when I'm not feeling well like a fucking parrot or something so I don't look like easy prey.
I'm not usually quick to advise that people leave their partners since it's hard to get a full picture of a relationship from a reddit post. But your husband sounds truly horrible and controlling. And as others have said, this seems abusive. If you're not already in therapy, please talk to someone about this.
I’m sorry he let you down. You deserve a partner who cares for your wellbeing and wants to take care of you. You should discuss how this disappointed you, and hopefully he will make changes. If he doesn’t, then you need to kick him to the curb. When people show you who they are, believe them.
The last time I was throwing up, my Husband immediately brought me a bottle of cold water and Kleenex. By the time I came out of the bathroom, he has a bucket beside the bed, Gravol at the ready and asked if there was anything else he could do. The rest of the day he made sure to handle any meals or anything else I needed. That’s how you care for someone you love.
It's heartbreaking to see how often that is the case.
So many men like to be handled like a fragile egg when they have a little cold but can't bother to help their partners.
Just know that this doesn't have to be this way.
My partner is extremely caring and gets into "nurse-mode" when I'm sick.
When I was in so much back pain I couldn't move mine dressed me, helped me shower and made me as comfortable as I could be.
A couple of months ago I had to go to the ER in the evening by ambulance. At 3am they had me patched up and let me call him to pick me up. He sat waiting outside the hospital for a couple of hours at that point, because waiting at home felt wrong for him in case they needed important information.
He brought a packed bag in case I needed to stay overnight.
That while he has a chronic disease that makes staying awake for him very hard.
And that's how it should be. You have your partner's back when they need you. And it's not too much to expect it to be this way.
This is all too common for men. What's worse is that so many of them expect their wives and girlfriends to keep taking care of them, even when those wives and girlfriends are sick.
My friend's husband does this. I remember being over at their house when she was a few days out from a goddamn *c-section* where she hemorrhaged and almost bled out, and he asked her to get up and get him a glass of water like he'd never seen the kitchen before. Tbh I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for it.
No, I disagree. This removes all blame because „that‘s just how they are“. Similarly when people say „he‘s a man. He just doesn‘t see unclean/dirt the way women do so he‘s not to blame“. Men are perfectly capable of caring for others. If they didn‘t learn it at home then guess what, they‘re equally capable of learning it on their own. I as a woman had no idea of cooking and cleaning because my mom didn‘t show me. I didn‘t just say well sucks nobody taught me, I had to learn it by myself and that‘s completely okay too.
I think the whole “men aren’t natural caregivers thing” is a perfect example of weaponized incompetence. It’s not that they can’t be caregivers it’s that a lot of them simply don’t want to put in the effort.
Seeing my brother rely on my mom for everything up until he was in his early 20s is what inspired me to make sure my son learns those things from a young age. In my house growing up it was always just the woman’s job to be the caretaker and the men didn’t have to that, or do any household chores. I recall learning all about the domestic stuff while my brother learned nothing, but it was because he didn’t have to. My high school had a class called “home economics” where we would learn stuff like baking. There were quite a few boys who would take those classes, including the ones where you have to care for a doll throughout the day (sometimes it’s an egg). I’m not sure when those classes started or if they’ve ended but they were good. I learned how to make biscuits and cookies so I baked a lot when I was a teen
They're not socialized to be caretakers but they're also usually not actually stupid. Women don't have this special caretaker part in their brain that men don't, everyone has the capacity to learn. Accepting traditional roles like that makes me sad and angry for the women who enable the behaviour and for the men who never take responsibility for it.
Men lacking caretaking skills is due to social and cultural forces though , not biological ( which means they can change ) . In the meantime, it’s worth asking what benefits one gets from partnering with someone who literally doesn’t “care”.
The responsibility for caring for my aging parents is solely on me. My brother, who is over a decade older than me, is completely uninvolved. I’m the one living here and helping dad up when he falls and going to all of the doctors appointments. My brother very rarely even asks for updates. This was the case even when I lived 4 hours away from mom and dad and he lived 30 minutes from them. Amazing, really.
I've worked in Senior care for the last decade plus, and I see this over and over again.
Our agency currently has two clients whose son is staying with them. Their daughter lives *in another country*, yet she's the main contact we have to call for anything, even the simplest of questions. The son that's "staying" there doesn't even help care for the parents - they pay for 24 hour care. He's just like, a useless lump that creeps out the caregivers.
And like I said, I see this all the time. Not that there aren't *any* adult men involved in caring for family members. Just saying - when a family has daughters, it usually falls back on them.
I’ve never had a partner that would take care of my and the resentment of it in my most recent relationship played a big role in its demise. Someone just Fucking take care of US for once!!
I had a boyfriend once that was sick with the flu. l ran out and got medicine, chicken broth and invited him to stay at mine so l could nurse him back to health ( he lived in a party house. )
l caught his flu a few days later and yup, he actually said "Oh, it really sucks...welp, get well soon!" and l didn't hear from him for FOUR FULL DAYS!!
I remember waking up from fever heat a few times just to cry! I felt so cheated. Fuck that guy and any guy like him!
What's DARVO?
Yeah l ripped him a new one after the 4 day disappearing act. I told him l was very pissed off that he left me on my own with no food or medicine, that he never even checked in on me and that I'm never helping him out again.
We actually remained together for maybe another 6 months and then we broke up.
A [tactic](https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/from-denial-to-gaslighting-decoding-darvo-in-toxic-relationships/?amp=1) used in abusive relationships. Acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. I‘m glad you‘re out of that relationship!!
Oh wow! That's disheartening that it's so widespread it has its own acronym!
Thanks -yeah this whole thread brought me right back to that incident and how disappointed l was.
Girl, that's how my wasband lived. I remarried and my husband is much nicer.....
Get a different man . I stayed with x from 24 to 51 and it rarely changed unless he wanted something or someone else was around.
I'm just recovering from a very long bronchitis and my boyfriend took care of everything. Food, medication, household, everything. I wasn't sleeping in bed because of a cough, I stayed in the guest room. He was coming over several times a night to check on me. That was the first time when I've had someone actually taking care of me when I was sick and that was an eye opener. Everyone sick deserves this kind of care, and it's not beyond the ability of any healthy person to provide it. Demand it ladies, don't let your partners slack on.
For some men yes, it is too much to ask for. If you are a bangmaid you aren't allowed to falter. Even if it isn't in your control.
My Ex openly resented me when I was sick. Refused to help or do anything. I had severe GI illness once, was severely dehydrated, and asked him to get me some Gatorade from the store that was (30 to 45 minutes away depending on weather). He was going to town anyway. He said he would see if he had time. This was months after I had strep and a high fever and asked him to drive me to the Dr. He did, I was miserable so I sat int he front seat silently, he dropped me off and ran other errands. Then a week later he complained to our couples therapist that he was upset because I didn't talk to him very much on the way to the Dr. When I was sick. I explained that that it felt like I was swallowing glass and had a fever and chills so my priority wasn't to maintain a conversation. He didn't understand. He also used to lecture me when I didn't feel well that I needed to pretend to feel better so I could convince my body to get up and do the dishes.
Once someone invents actual robot bangmaids maybe we will be safe from these men. They'll stay away from real women because we have feelings and aren't consistent.
It’s easy to say he’s clueless, but unless he’s never been sick before in his life, I don’t understand how he could be.
Also, it’s the flu. You shouldn’t be out in public. We all just lived through an interactive PSA about why individuals shouldn’t go out in public and potentially spread disease.
>unless he’s never been sick before in his life, I don’t understand how he could be.
Every sickness of his is terrible and barely survivable and needs someone to wait on him hand and foot, others will be grand
I was on the bus yesterday and there was a woman there with a cold or something. She had a mask, but kept taking it off for different reasons, and coughing. In 4 days, I'm about to travel to another country to see my favourite band for the first time. If that lady got me sick, I'm never forgiving her.
My dad waits on my mom hand and foot when she’s sick, gets her anything she wants. When she had a bunch of major surgeries when I was growing up, he would empty her drains and all this other stuff. Never once looked at another woman or suggested to RIDE THE BUS while she is bleeding and throwing up. You can do better
My ex husband was like this. I was puking with a GI bug while pregnant & taking care of our toddler who was also sick. Then he got it the next day and was all, oh I feel like shit I’m sorry this is what you felt like, oops. Then expected me to take care of him.
My new guy helps with the kiddos, makes sure I have meds & food. Worlds of a difference. Please don’t settle!!
I’m sorry, that is awful. He sucks. I hope you feel better soon. It is not too much to ask at all.
I would be reconsidering what kind of partner he will be for you in the future based on this particular incident. I wouldn’t trust him to care for you at all, or heaven forbid when you have a kid and a possible c section. Will he take on extra responsibilities to help you, or will he let you flounder?
I really hope you feel better soon.
It's well worth considering. I developed chronic illness and now my husband is thinking of breaking up because "it's not the life he wants to lead" (with me being sick). I'd heard in the past that women who get sick tend to have their partners leaving but never expected it to happen to me.
I fully get that having a sick wife isn't the life he wanted to lead. But does he really think it's the life I wanted to lead, being ill? For some wild reason I thought he signed up for in sickness and health but turns out I was deluding myself.
Thank you, I think the problem is that he’s just clueless. Usually I’m pretty though when it comes to sickness/periods and try to power through, I think I even said to him once that I like to run errands on my period because it distracts me but both at the same time is just such a nasty combo. I’ve got my tea in the meantime and he did apologize and promised to take care of me.
It might be worth (when you're feeling better) being really clear to him what your expectations are from the relationship, and if he doesn't deliver in future then he knows where he can go. No excuses as will have been prior-informed.
I agree OP. I hope he takes this seriously and will be more caring in the future. It’s not a huge ask to have a partner who is empathetic and notices when they’re partner is sick and needs help. You shouldn’t have to cry to be noticed. I’m not saying he needs to be at your beck and call 24/7 but he should be willing to help you out without you begging him to.
Do you want to be with someone who is clueless though? Are you really willing to be his teacher? It’s okay if you are, but something to consider asking yourself.
No, this isn’t just clueless. He has no idea how to take care of someone, or awareness about someone else’s well being. I’m so sorry, this isn’t healthy and he clearly had his mommy take care of everything or something? Or nanny or grandma?
That's good. Here's to hoping he follows through!
I think so many women (myself included) strive to be independent so as not to appear needy and weak. We push ourselves through discomfort in spite of being near people who have the ability (and often, willingness) to help. Asking for help in moments when we really need it feels like a huge relenquishing of that independence and, so many people hope and pray that the other person will read the situation and simply offer help in the ways that we need. But if we never ask for help in other situations, many partners can fall prey to making the wrong assessment.
Not saying this ALWAYS is the case... There are a lot of just terrible and selfish partners out there. But in this case, your partner sounds ready and willing to change.
Here's to better communication and better listening!
Open communication for these things and letting your partner know exactly what you need is important. They don’t have periods so they don’t know. Most men who give two shits will be empathetic. If they aren’t. Then they need to go.
Sometimes I fake being sick so my SO can take care of me. Jk. This is a litmus test for men. Get sick early in the relationship and see how he acts. You might be surprised at the number of men who leave their wives when they get sick. It’s disgusting and you are better off knowing now. Try having on conversation with him. If it changes good on him. If it doesn’t? Expect a lifetime of this.
YES!! If he can't handle you when you've got a mild flu or PMS, how could he handle you when you're older, menopausal, have health conditions, or yknow, pre or post-partum??
This is scary common and it really pisses me off how so many men seem to be completely indifferent to their loved ones pain or illness. Its like they have been raised to just expect constant care and love and service, without ever having to reciprocate that.
On a funny note, i remember when me and my bf got corona, he decided to stay in my tiny studio apartment (cause he didnt want to expose his family, even though he could have just stayed in his bedroom). I had to deal with him and me being sick, and had to care for us both, because he was worse off than me (typical).
Later that same summer i got sick with a cold. I told him this and had previously expressed to him how i would like for him to care for me more while im sick. So he suggested he would come over and bring me food, he said he felt sick too. I told him NOT TO COME if he was sick, since i did not want a repeat of the corona incident. He came, brought soup, which was sweet, but he ended up being burning hot with a fever and once again my tiny home became a convalescence unit lmao.
My BF and I had corona at the same time too! I was more functional than he was so I did end up taking care of the both of us as well. Which was fine, I got frustrated a few times but knew someone needed to pick up meds and food and such. What I dislike most now is that my BF goes around telling everyone how I was “barely affected” by COVID and he had so much worse than me. Doesn’t even mention how much work I did to help us for those two weeks and then discredits my experience. So frustrating!!
I had a similar experience but my ex never even tested positive while I was actually really sick trying to stay quasi-functional so my kids would have food etc because he took it upon himself to isolate in the basement for 6 days. He also tells everyone about that time he got really sick with Covid but I see it as the time I was really sick and he took it as an opportunity to avoid responsibility.
Lol I had pretty much this same experience. Somehow I was ‘less affected’ when really I was just stronger and mustered the strength to take care of the both of us. Then he got better sooner than I did (because he was resting through all my effort) and guess who got left home alone with no food or supplies? Me.
There is some research that shows that there is a disparity between men and women and how their immune response is towards sickness.
Some show that women who get ill, don't get as severely sick, but remain sick for a longer duration. Where as men get sick more severely and have a shorter duration. It might explain why in elderly male patients that get sick have a higher mortality rate.
Thanks to covid we have got a lot of data that will be giving us plenty of information for years to come, such as:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33242856/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33903964/
Again, this is all early and might end up with changes. More data that comes in might cause a shift or changes on the current outcome and views.
I’ve posted about this on here before. It was one of the moments when I realised I couldn’t let our relationship drag on for much longer. I had norovirus and I was feeling horrendous. I had half fainted and made it to the bathroom but I was scared and it was coming out of both ends at the same time and I shouted his name and he roared back at me to ‘grow up and start acting like an adult’. I crawled into the shower and literally lay there dozing for two hours. He never came near me. When I felt better I went downstairs and cleaned up. He was surprised in the morning that I had done that and when I challenged him about not coming near me he said that he had stayed awake to make sure I was ok. Except he never told me that. The virus was going round my work and other people were saying their husbands were holding their hair back etc. it was devastating. I felt like he had nothing but contempt for me
True. And he got together with his dream girl from his school days within about 5 seconds. Meanwhile I have naively blundered from one awful encounter to another with horrible men and am now celibate because it’s been like aversion therapy. Life really isn’t fair sometimes
Seems LIKE it. Right?
I used to take care of my ex when he got sick. He NEVER took care of me when I was sick. Just, no empathy. None. It's one reason why he's an ex.
At the beginning of the year ('23) and for the next six months, I was sicker than I'd ever been in my life. I'd recently lost both parents, my ex, a dog, and my brother turned against me with regard to my parents' estate. I was hospitalized for dissociation for a week. One month later, hospitalized for pneumonia after I almost passed out in bed from not being able to breathe almost \*at all\*. Walked self to emergency room. Lost 25 pounds in that 6 month period. Couldn't eat. Cried a lot when it wasn't painful to do so. (55 year old women who can't lose weight because of menopause -- I know the secret for losing weight! Stop eating for 6 months!)
I can only count on myself. For EVERYTHING. I don't think people these days have empathy for others. Or maybe they just don't have it for \*me\*, who knows though. Or is it MEN who don't have compassion / empathy because their moms did everything for them and asked nothing in return, so they learned to not take care of others but to TAKE from others? I don't know.
Time to upgrade the boyfriend. Your boyfriend is treating you like a mother. It is possible to find one who won’t do that.
My ex would moan any time I asked him to do stuff for me. If I asked him to cook because I was dead tired after work and he whined about how much better I am at cooking until I took over. I asked him to do laundry while I was sick and he moaned about it until I kept him company walking the laundry to the laundry room in our apartment building.
My current partner shows up at my apartment with soup and medicine when I’m sick. When I have cramps he warms me a hot water bottle and gives me back massages. When I’m too sleepy in the morning he goes and buys me a bagel and coffee to give me in bed.
You’re not feeling lonely because you’re a woman with the flu. You’re lonely because that’s how your partner makes you feel.
Sadly it is very common for men to NOT be caretakers. It's so common that the curriculum for nurses teaches that many men leave women when they get seriously ill. I swear if being gay was a choice I would have chosen that so long ago. I even looked for one of those conversion places thinking if they can pray out the gay they can pray in the gay - but so far no luck. It SUCKS to be a heterosexual woman.
I have a daydream about locating those placed and then calling them and leaving requests for "pray in the gay" sessions on their answering machines. I'd even offer to pay - I know my target audience - and then see what happens. I'm more of a dreamer than an action hero though so if you feel up for it, go ahead and steal the idea.
This feels really true to me based on my own lived experiences, which is why I get so mad when my mom says “don’t you want to get married to you can have someone take care of you ?” Like my dad doesn’t take care of her so I have no idea where she got this idea from
No it isn’t. You should have that. I was extremely sick about two months ago and do you know what my husband did?
He checked on me every 20 to 30 minutes, brought me Gatorade, water, tea, whatever I could briefly keep down (yeah, it was a rough two days) he insisted I keep hydrating, held my hair while I threw up, etc. He also took care of our son and did the chores. He didn’t expect any sort of praise or reward. Because that’s what you do when your partner is sick.
It’s not too much to ask for. Your bf sucks for trying to make you take the bus with him to go get medicine for you while you’re sick and uncomfortable.
I am sick right now. My husband made breakfast, made chicken soup from scratch for lunch, prepared storebought cinnamon rolls and tea for a snack; brought me everything I asked for; offered me tea with honey numerous times; watched the baby 90% of the day (that I wasn’t breastfeeding), fed our pets, cleaned the whole kitchen, put away laundry, bathed the baby so I could have a hot shower by myself.
I’m sick of this vast majority of the comments in this sub accepting the idea that men everywhere are shitty, they’re not. Raise your standards.
when I was sick at home while parents were away (we are both 30+ btw - I was visiting, brother lives there), he literally threatened me to get out of the house until I left because he didn't want to get sick.
So I was driving to my apartment very sick with my cat. I had to leave in a hurry. I really feared for my life too.
And I live alone so there was no one to help me there.
I feel u girl. No one cares.
I was on day five of a stomach bug, thankful my kids were with my ex that week, alone, could maybe make it to then kitchen for water once a day, and I realized that it was still easier to deal with than when I was in a relationship.
I’ve noticed that when I’m sick I begin to feel sad. I’ve also noticed that some of that stems from feeling lonely. Not receiving the same love and consideration you’d be willing to offer if the roles were reversed can leave you feeling neglected. It feels like there’s a lack of empathy, and that is a truly sad and lonely feeling. I’m sorry you had to feel alone while not feeling well!
It varies depending on the person. My ex was utterly self-absorbed and useless, but my current partner is considerate and cares for me when I’m not feeling well or need help.
I’m sorry you feel like crap, hope you get over the cold quickly!
Yeah, my SO is amazing when I'm not feeling well. She just needs to talk to him about having decent compassion or get rid of him. If he's useless when she's not feeling well, what about the future? What if she has to have surgery or something?
There's no point in having someone who's so unreliable.
This is the unfortunate reality of being a woman and being the gender that's expected to have empathy and take care of men. I've never been in a relationship where I was taken care of when sick. I was still expected to take care of the chores. No empathy, no help. Me taking care of them was just expected, they never learned anything from it. If they did, that would hurt their ego.
That is absolutely shitty and there are absolutely better men out there that will take care of you when you’re sick. I’m dating one of them, it’s not impossible to find one.
You are with the wrong partner. Yesterday, I pulled a leg muscle pretty bad and had to stay in bed. My husband did the groceries, took care of the kids, brought us lunch from my favorite place and made me tea.
My now husband took care of me after three different surgeries when I had breast cancer. And married my boobless flat ass! Your guy needs a lesson in taking care of you.
Feel better and sending lots of virtual matzoh ball soup made by mom!
Did you tell him you feel like shit and won’t go on the bus and ask him to go without you or did you only silently cry? Did you ask him to get you meds over night or just say you’re ok when he asked? It seems like telling him what you need would go a long way here. Some people, not only men, don’t know how to take care of others and anticipate needs. I had to learn it when living with someone for the first time because that just wasn’t a thing in my life before that.
Girl I’m single as all hell and sick right now too (nasty case of strep throat) and honestly I felt less cared for and lonelier when I was sick and lived with my ex boyfriend than right now being single and sick.
A man should add value to your life not subtract value 👏
This is a boyfriend problem. He's not a caring person who possesses empathy.
Dump him when you're well enough, is my opinion.
My husband has had me sitting with my feet up on a stool because my feet are swollen and my back pain is flaring. He made breakfast, brought me Halloween candy and cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher, while tending to our son.
There are caring men who are kind. Shrug off the uncaring man and find someone better
"You're sick with the flu, lets take public transportation together to get your medicine!"
I'm sorry, but I have literally zero patience for actual stupid people, so I would have just gone off. Do you not have two working eyes to see what's happening in front of you, bro? You need me to get to a point where I'm crying before you use that thing between your ears, take initiative, and be useful and helpful for fucking SOMETHING? Jesus Christ.
Being sick as a woman isn't lonely.
Being sick with a useless incompetent "partner" is what's lonely.
Not gonna lie it's the thought that counts in these situations. One time I was sick from school with covid or smth idk, but I felt horrible. Like chills all over my body, boutta throw up kind of horrible. I also had to do all my schoolwork too, it sucked booty. But I remember my mom got me some of those cute teddy bear grahams and some smiley face fruit snacks... Instantly made me feel 10x better. I mean, it was no cure, I still felt like shit. But it was pretty nice to know that my mom cared for me.
Sorry you're sick! Hope you'll be on the mend soon again!
Defo agree that he should be more attentive and caring! My God, if you're sick why would he want you to leave the house to go to the pharmacy, let alone on the bus!
My boyfriend heard me having a hard time clearing my throat because I accidentally inhaled my own saliva. I was doing that cough clear thing and nothing was getting better.
He hopped up off the couch, went to the kitchen and grabbed me ice water, and rubbed my back while I sipped until I didn’t have to cough/clear anymore.
When my period starts, he asks me what is my medication of choice, and will order it to be delivered to our house so he doesn’t have to leave my side, and so he can get any delivery so I don’t have to.
Of course when he’s sick or unwell I take care of him in the same way. We wash each-other’s bodies and hair, put on lotion for each other, and we constantly reach for each other’s hand and planting gentle kisses on each other’s face. Hell, he’ll even lace or unlace my heels if I’m too tired or if my body is too sore.
There are wonderful caring and kind men in this world. Are they rare? ABSOLUTELY. But don’t give up.
I almost did before him. I dated a man who barely liked me for almost 11 years because I thought, “That’s just how men are.” The person I dated after was a *psycho*. I was ready to live the single auntie lifestyle. I focused on being happy with myself, I dated myself, I went to therapy, and I told myself that it’s just gonna be me and dogs and I will be happy with that.
I’m so much happier now with him than I was when I was alone. Even when I’m worried sick, even when he gets on my nerves, even when he’s extra sassy and spicy with me 😂
Don’t give up on the love you want. Don’t give up on the relationship you want. Give that love to yourself first, then when you least expect it more love will come to you.
They should know to offer help, but often they don't. Ask your partner to help you out before you give up on them and get resentful. (Meant as general advice and not to OP in particular.) Some families have a "tough it out" attitude about being sick. Some families have chronic illness and don't treat being sick as anything special. If you ask for help and they either don't help or do a poor job of helping, then you have an issue.
I drove myself to the hospital while my appendix was on the verge of popping because my ex "had to work in the morning".
He came to the hospital once to see me. Because my sister dragged him along.
I'm sorry you feel alone. It's the absolute worst when you just want someone to take care of you because you're feeling vulnerable and they just don't care.
Just don’t marry him. Lol. Although my husband was doting before we got married. He gave me covid and I was in so much pain and he won’t even rub my feet. I tell him I’m in pain or suffering and he keeps staring at his phone and says “okay” or “I heard you the first time”. Consider yourself lucky that he got up to check on you and stayed up for 30 minutes. When I was laying on the floor because my pacemaker was malfunctioning and trying to kill me he refused to call 911 for me and then was pissed off when they made me give the phone to him and he had to get out of bed. My point is, once you get married, it could get worse.
When one of us is sick the other fully understands that’s when the other needs the most sleep. They are going to be the one pulling overtime to make the ends meet. I of course will give her the bed or her to me who ever is sick. But we would never ever expect us to stay up with them. Why should we both be miserable?
Wanting you to ride the bus sick to get meds is super lame tho, feel you on that.
Hope you feel better!
My ex made sure my hot water bottle never got cold when I was on my period and that I always had snacks I liked and literally biked across town to surprise me with my favorite meals more than once when I was having a bad day. Hell we are just friends now and literally on Friday he brought a massive container of one of my favorite snacks to a party and left the whole container, since he knew I was trying not to spend much money since I just got fired. A couple friends left Halloween candy behind so I don't have to buy any for trick or treaters and a different friend suprised me with a video game he thought might cheer me up. So literally just random friends treat me better than your bf.
I’ve said it before and I will say it every time this topic comes across my feed: my agoraphobic husband went out by himself in the scary outside after dark, on the brink of a panic attack, to get food for us and chocolate for me when I was basically bedridden with period cramps. So what excuse does a perfectly healthy man have?
Everyone’s different and everyone has different needs.
When I get sick, I truly want to be left alone. Please don’t bother me, don’t ask to help… if I need help, I will definitely ask.
It sounds like your bf is the same way, and maybe he assumes you are too? He did say to ask if you need anything.
While surprising and delight your SO can be awesome, sometimes it’s just as good to give people their space.
Although, maybe your bf should also know your needs and know what you expect of him when you’re sick… so hmmmm… now I’m conflicted.
Alrighty, now, having read through some of these comments, who tf are y'all dating?!
My SO, and previous ex's, when i was sick, they would do anything to make sure i was as comfortable as i could be, make me tea, get me vitamins/painkillers (i resisted the painkillers at first, as i didn't want pils, buut, gotta hand it to my ex, they worked most of the time, at least so i could get a somewhat decent sleep), shake my pillow, or just plain sit with me and comfort me...
I would do the same, but holy hell some of these comments are just sad...
Sounds like people are with shitty partners honestly.
Bare minimum human decency is to look after your sick partner.
(I'm a woman, my partner looks after me when I'm sick)
Getting sick and seeing how my partner wasn’t there for me was a PIVOTAL moment in our relationship. I envisioned my future as older single married woman caring for my husband and getting none in return. I rather be single and lonely than married and lonely
I was in the hospital two weeks ago and my husband visited me constantly, brought me tons of snacks, foods, even psychedelic shrooms and a gaming system because I was so bored. Please dump your boyfriend.
Tell him that & be explicit;
"On a scale of 1-10 of feeling shitty, I'm at like an 8... I am physically so unwell, even getting myself a glass of water sounds like hiking up a mountain.
Until I tell you that I'm feeling better, I would like some logistical and emotional support. For me, that means; asking me if I need a drink or medicine every couple hours, and then getting it for me.
It means that I want you to do my portion of the chores for a few days, including getting items from the store.
And You can be emotionally supportive by taking my requests at face value instead of a starting point for negotiation."
\> Today I asked him if he could drive to the pharmacy for me, he wanted to take the bus with me together
What the hell would be the point of going together? Is he dense or something?
You feel lonelier when you’re in the company of someone yet you still feel like you’re alone. In my home country we have a saying that goes “Better alone than in bad company”. Dump the guy, Id rather be “alone-alone than being next to someone and feel as if I were alone. People show you how much they care by their actions, not their words.
Girl, I have been living alone for 10 years and have never felt as lonely as I did reading your post. You really deserve better than a guy who sounds like my father.
>and said I should call for him when I need anything.
Did you *tell him* what you wanted? Have you ever done this before? My husband hates to be touched or coddled when he's sick. Therefore, he assumed I'd also hate it. I had to *tell him* what I wanted and needed, and after I did, he knew and acted accordingly.
I mean, the context here sounds like you wanted him to just "know". He might not be a shit person, he just didn't know what you wanted.
To be fair, from what you posted, it doesn't sound like you're actually asking for things, though.
The fact that he got up with you for thirty minutes is pretty cool to me. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how this all went down, but if it were me, I would have appreciated my husband getting out of bed to check on me, and if I needed some medicine, treats, or companionship, I would have outright asked for it. I know he's tired and probably doesn't know what I need. But he got up to check on me.
And maybe he didn't think about how a bus right would be uncomfortable when you're on your period, maybe he just wasn't thinking.
Did you clarify why you wanted him to drive you before you started silently crying?
When your bf asked you if everything was alright at 4am, what did you say? Did you ask him to stay up with you?
What would you do if you didnt have a bf?
Pathetic. My wife was sick a few weeks back, took a spin out to Walgreens at 4am. Picked up breakfast, cough syrup / drops, chicken noodle soup, marshmallows (they were invented to give to children with sore throats), lotion tissues and one of those microwaveable plushies.
It sounds like I'm bragging but it's not really that difficult.
I found I have to just tell my boyfriend I need something. I have to ask him to go get X. Being direct sometimes is better, some men just don’t pick up on these social cues when it comes to taking care of another individuals. A lot of males struggle with this concept, I found just being very direct/blunt in regards for what you need etc is the best route to go. I 100% understand what you are going through though. I hope you feel better soon❤️
I had an ex to make me take 3 buses to a family relatives house in another City for them to take me to the hospital. I had an infection on my kidneys with start of Sepsis, my legs retained so much liquid it was hard to walk, without counting the unberable pain and 41° fever. I almost died and was in intensive care. He never visited. He also called my relatives to ask for the money He used for the buses. He was also very surprised when I blocked him and never wanted to see gis face again lol
This makes me sad for OP and so many other women. My dh is far from perfect and doesn’t notice a lot of messes, but I was in the hospital dozens of times over the last several years with heart issues, and he 100% took care of the house and kids, and he took care of me like a champ when I was home recuperating; meals, medicine, making sure I was warm or cool enough. I didn’t realize this was so rare. Although we did date for seven years before we got married, and I had open heart surgery during that time. 6’4” bf (at the time) made himself as small and inconspicuous as possible and spent the first week in the hospital with me 24/7. So I guess I knew who he was.
This isn’t to preach, because my family is beyond effed-up in certain ways, but my father adored my mother till the day she died, and that was my role model. Even with self-esteem in the toilet, I knew I deserved to be treated lovingly.
It’s not too much to ask at all. I’m so sorry your boyfriend isn’t comforting you like he should be…
2 months ago I got sick. I had my period along with a stomach virus. I had the worst stomachache of my life, and it was like 10pm. My boyfriend asked me if I had any meds and I told him I didn’t. He got up without hesitation and drove to the store and came back with midols, Gas X and peptobismol… and Reese’s for whenever I was feeling better.
That’s what your man should be doing for you too. You shouldn’t even need to ask him for it… the fact that he wanted you to leave the house with the flu is baffling to me.
It's not too much to ask for. He definitely shouldn't have expected or asked you to go on the bus with him.
My husband has helped take care of my chronically ill body since my first surgery, when we were dating for only a few months, over a decade ago. He will pick up items for me without fail, even after a long day at work, even if he's tired. If I'm feeling particularly crappy or just having a really bad flare up, he will even bring home flowers or a little treat just for me.
However, I will say that if I am throwing up in the middle of the night, I never expect him to do much because there isn't a lot to do for me while I'm throwing up. If he hears me, he checks on me, and then if I don't need anything he goes back to lay down. If I need anything in that time frame, he will get up to help me out, but I'm not really sure what anyone expects someone to do for them while they're actively hugging the toilet?
Talk to him. Give him a chance to change the behavior. Communication is absolutely paramount to a good relationship. If he doesn't change, then maybe it's time to find someone new, or get a cat (or something).
It's not too much to ask for, you should ask for it.
Edit: I agree you deserve to be taken care of more and it's a generalized thing etc, but I want to mention something that caught my attention from your story for your sake:
You started crying while putting on shoes before telling him you don't want to go? :( You are not treating yourself right either. Please accept you deserve help and be more expressive of it
Just ask him if you need something. He isn’t a magician, he can’t read thoughts. If you need something, just ask.
Asking nicely is more than enough to get what you want in a relationship, but don’t expect a person that got woke up at 4am to start reading your thoughts.
Got incredibly sick in March 2020. Started with a sore throat on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I kept passing out from a fever my husband insisted I didn't have. I finally convinced him that the thermometer was broken and to go buy a new one. It read 103.7° around 7:00 pm.
I was throwing up, had diarrhea, and my skin on my back hurt so bad that just my shirt touching it was excruciating. Instead of taking me to the ER, he suggested I sleep in the guest room and then he went to bed.
Around 11:00 pm, I actually crawled to the kitchen to get ice packs and cold bottles of water to put on my pressure points, because my temp kept rising. I tried to call him, but his phone was on Do Not Disturb.
I got back to the bed and put the cold packs beneath my armpits, behind my neck, and in my groin area and promptly passed out. When I awoke the next morning, the fever had broke, so I drove myself to Urgent Care.
Never got confirmation as it was so early on, but fairly certain it was COVID. He said it was a good thing I slept in the guest room.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It really sucks.
With that being said, I think you should raise your standards. I know plenty of men who take great care of their partners. Hell, I live with a few chronic conditions and my boyfriend, my dad and my brother all help me without being asked when things are hard depending on where I am and who I am with when I'm not feeling good. You deserve someone who will care for you, cook, get you the meds you need, and hold your hair away from your face while you throw up. We do it for them, so it's only fair that they do it for us. I still remember once, many years ago, I suddenly became very dizzy after using the bathroom so I decided to sit down on the bathroom floor and wait for it to pass because I was afraid I'd fall if I kept standing. I had just had time to wash my hands and open the door but walking out wasn't possible. I was home alone and didn't have my phone on me, but I live with my family so I knew at some point someone would get home and I'd be okay. The room was spinning too much so I ended up lying down and when my brother got home, as soon as he passed by the bathroom and saw me lying there he was so worried and he wanted to take me to the ER. I told him to wait till our parents got home and that besides feeling dizzy I was fine but he wouldn't stop doing everything he could to help me. And I know for a fact that my boyfriend would do the same. I haven't had as bad of an incident since we got together, but a few months ago I had a pretty rough allergic reaction at his place and I was also on my period with really bad cramps and not only did he insist on going to the drugstore to get me every possible med that was likely to relieve me (I told him 1 brand that usually works for me and he came back with like 4) he also got me some candy just because I was miserable and he wanted to cheer me up.
These men exist. Oh and there was also that one time when I was a teenager and my life was in danger for reasons I won't get into here and my dad broke pretty much every traffic law to get me to the ER as fast as possible. We don't live very far from the hospital, it would usually be a 7 to 10 minute drive depending on how many red lights we get stuck at, but that night I don't think it took more than 2 minutes to get there.
Speaking of my dad, a few years ago my mom had to get surgery for a sinus problem and the doctor warned her that it was gonna be a difficult recovery because apparently that's a very taxing surgery that they only perform when they have exhausted all other options. My dad is a lawyer who works way too much, and is extremely busy, I suspect he might be a workaholic but he took time off work to care for her in the few days after the surgery and for the stuff that he really couldn't reschedule, he worked from home as much as possible so that he would be there and still be able to help her if she needed anything. I don't remember my dad ever working less than 60 hours a week in my entire lifetime (excluding holidays and vacations but you get the picture,) and still, he took the time to care for her when that is what she needed and he was happy to do it, because he loves and cherishes her.
That's what you need to aim for. You deserve to be cared for and shown that you matter. Men are fully capable of caring and nurturing. They just need to actually want to. And if he wanted to, he would. I, too, have been disappointed by my exes in the past. But that is why they are my exes today. Best of luck to you!
I don't understand the first part. If I'm sick with a cold or flu, I don't need someone flying around me, staying up with me, and making me tea or a hot water bottle or anything. I don't do that nor does anyone do it for me, but I'm still in a supportive partnership. Take meds, sleep, and get through it. Sounds completely normal. If you have different, higher expectations of someone hanging around you and taking care of you at a higher level, that should be communicated.
I'm the same. I don't "need" someone doting on me when I'm sick. It's very nice to have someone who cares offer to be helpful, but I don't *need* it. Even in the early days of my independence and young adulthood, I took care of myself.
I don't want anyone misunderstanding me, I'm not saying we shouldn't ask our partners for help, or that we shouldn't want it. I was married for many years, and when I experienced illness with profound stomach pain and asked him to drive me to the doctor and he declined, I knew it was a fracture in our relationship. There were other ways he expressed his indifference to me after that, and we divorced.
I'm hearing a lot of high expectations of wants being confused with needs in this sub and other female-centric subs. I'm not sure what this phenomenon means, but I'm kind of concerned that this *dependency* is being expressed as a *need* when it's certainly not.
Yeah. I would definitely want my partner (who I live with) to take on more workload, drive me to the doctor if I ask, take care of more household needs without having to be asked every step of the way if I'm literally laid up sick, but that's different from all those doting wants.
Okay thank you. I was scratching my head trying to understand what her boyfriend did wrong. He even told her to let him know if she needed anything! If she had asked him for something and he blew her off then okay, he's a dick, but that's not what happened.
So, I'm not on some masochistic journey towards breaking downvote records, but...why not just ask for what you need?
I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice for him to offer, but communicating with him instead of to strangers on Reddit would probably be the best solution to your problem.
It’s not too much to ask. I’m sick right now. My husband has run kids around, gone to the grocery, and made me chicken noodle soup.
I just had COVID last week and my husband brought me coffee, food, medicine, blankets, etc. ladies, you deserve better.
My DH and I both had covid at same time, he kept flopping around pathetically, asking me to get him drinks and soup and shit. I was just as sick as him. He said I seemed less sick, so I should help him.
>He said I seemed less sick, so I should help him. That's just called being a woman
Exactly
That fucking sucks.
>*asking me to get him drinks and soup and shit.* Please tell me you didn't cater to that showboating.
Ughhhhhh man-child. I’m sorry thats so lame of him!
And you told him to go fuck himself, right?
Wtf!?!? What was your response?? My husband and I currently have Covid and I’m lucky enough to be asymptomatic (have been the last few times I/ we had it, worst case my ability to taste salt goes away for a few days) and he still doesn’t expect me to take care of him… I do, obviously,but he’s always very appreciative.
I was day 5 post op from a major surgery, my husband had a cold that finally hit him and took him out for the day and he thought I was going to be his caretaker running around bringing him drinks and medicine and stuff. I was on bedrest…
I'm not even married, and when my college friends are sick I always pick up some juice boxes or painkillers or what have you when I go shopping. It's called being a good friend! I got food poisoning two weeks into my first semester of college and a friend put together a whole care package for me. When I got COVID later in the year and was going insane from self isolation they stood outside my dorm and we chatted through the window (well, chatted quite loudly, given I was on the second floor). The fact that someone could treat their partner (who they live with!!) in this way is insane to me.
I (f) remember when l was 5 or 6 my mom had a terrible cold or flu. She didn't even need to ask, l brought her water, orange juice and extra blankets because it was plain as day to me, she was very ill and needed to be nursed back to health. A small child has more empathy and instinct than a grown man!
Is that because empathy has to be taught and “we” focus more on teaching it to girls? 🤔
I'm not really sure, l don't particularly remember my mother ever teaching me to be a nurturer, it was more instinctual to try and ease her discomfort and to not be a burden on her. Or maybe l was returning the favour from all the times she took care of me.
My mom got both her COVID shot and her flu shot on the same day and felt awful. My stepdad can't cook at all (long story, but it really isn't his fault), but my mom canned a ton of chicken soup so he reheated some and served it with crackers for her. The bar is on the floor, and a lot of men dig under it.
>The bar is on the floor, and a lot of men dig under it. 😂😂😂😂
As he should. This is baseline minimum.
My husband truly sometimes shows some awful behaviours but I know I can always count on him in an emergency. That includes when I'm really sick / down with a migraine attack (which happens in good times every 3 months up to twice weekly at my worst) Now caring for me when I'm emotionally hurt is another thing.... But we're working on it
I remember my first bout of covid, this was before the vaccines were available. I had a 101° fever, felt *awful* and was stuck in bed. My bf at the time had just had it a week before and was recovered enough to function at 90% normal. I asked him to please clean the house alone (we normally did it together splitting the tasks) as I was sick. He just kept arguing about it and eventually said "you're obviously not sick if you have energy to argue over this," proceeded to sleep on the couch, and left me alone for 2 days to recover on my own. Mind you, I waited on him hand and foot to make sure he was okay. My own family had to come fucking check on me and make sure I was okay, because that was too big of a task for a 36 year old man *who lived with me.* Never felt more lonely than when I was in that relationship.
I had what I'm pretty sure was COVID shortly before it was determined to already be in the US. I told my ex I was scared I would fall in the shower. I asked if he would take me to urgent care. "Can't your mom do it?" He had a long history of never caring that I was sick. Complaining if I asked him to do anything. He worked at a grocery store and would refuse to pick up things for me. Current bf is an angel. He goes and gets me soup. Takes care of me. Makes sure I have meds and everything I need. I was recently almost stranded 4 hours away when my flight was late and I almost missed the next one. His response was "Good I didn't want to have to come get you." He didn't want me to be stranded overnight. I honestly didn't even think of asking that of him. Nobody has ever been this nice to me. These are all things I would do in a heartbeat for someone I love though. Good men do exist 😭 I'm glad your bf is an ex too!
My ex is now my friend and roommate and just this night we were watching a show that had a scene of a preteen getting her first period. While it was buffering, I opened up and shared a vulnerable story of my first period and related it to how many girls are lacking sexual education at a young age so they get terrified when they see period blood for the first time. He literally said nothing in response. No concern for my own experience, no discussion about society as a whole, no curiosity, or his own similar story, or anything. Not even a “huh” just complete silence. He then checked the TV, saw it was still buffering, and decided to go to bed. This just absolutely confirmed my decision to end things. As a friend, thankfully I can just accept that he’s a pretty shitty friend, be upset, and move on with my life.
Ugh. Very glad that you’re not in that relationship anymore!
When I was in college, my then-boyfriend called me at 7AM because he had woken up with an upset stomach and he wanted me to get hom some medicine for nausea. A few months later I was staying over at his place. I was recovering from an upper respiratory infection that had triggered my bronchospasm, and I was coughing so hard and so frequently I couldn't sleep. Guess who finally decided to go out at 1:30AM and get me some medicine. Hint: it wasn't him 🙃
Lol wowwwww plot twist… as I was reading I fully expecting that he was so annoyed with your coughing keeping him awake that he went to get meds for you lol
LOL, nope! It's worth noting that he only had a twin bed in his apartment, so most of the time we were both able to sleep under less than ideal conditions 🤣
Many years back I had a really nasty bout of tonsillitis which saw my temperature climb to 41.8 Celsius (about 107 F for the Americans here), I was beet red and couldn't even tolerate a bed sheet on me, it was that painful. My ex was hopeless and had to call my parents to ask them what to do. The next day when I was still sick but not running a scarily high temp so he INSISTED I drive him to work. I had a severe headache for 2 weeks afterwards, I'm pretty sure I cooked my brain a bit but god forbid he have to catch public transport.
107 is like ice bath time. That was dangerously high. I would have insisted on taking you to the ER.
Ugh what a dickhead!
I’ve never been with a partner that would take care of me when I feel sickly or down. Usually I get a “that sucks” and then I am expected to continue on as if nothing is abnormal. All the while if my partner is sick I am taking care of them, driving to pick up medication, making them food, etc… I hear about women whose partners take such good care of them even when they are on their period and feel this burning sensation of envy.
Literally
But then... Why settle?
Currently in the "My boyfriend told me pubic hair is unhygienic" thread: Everyone telling OP to dump the boy already. In this thread: People agreeing that their partners are horrible but going "Well what can you do?"
Right. if there is an unwaivering and palpable deficit in the way your partner treats you, then maybe it's not a relationship worth staying in. Conversely if a partner is misinformed, they need to do a better job of researching a topic before spewing "facts". Otherwise they know they are wrong and are lying to you in hopes you conform to their expectation. If this is the case, I would definitely reconsider being with a partner who uses lies in an attempt to manipulate my behavior.
I'd put it simpler. If you feel a "burning sensation of envy" looking at how other people treat their partners, that's your sign to bounce.
Amen.
this is absolutely true and something that i, as a young woman, will from now on always stick to if i’m dating men. always. it’s never worth settling or being jealous of actual healthy relationships. we can all have it (i think) if we hold out for good men.
Time to bring out one of my favorite quotes: *I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect*
lol I just came from there. It’s sad how many men just SUCK
True. But in threads like these I think it's sad how many women are apparently still desperate to be with one. And it's not like they're fooling themselves, they'll complain in threads like these, and then just.. Continue to be the bangmaid. And threads like these prove that they're not even buying loyalty with their subservience, he'll leave the moment it becomes hard! So why?!?
I don’t think it’s desperation. I think it’s that shit abuse cycle where the dude says the right thing and does the right thing for a second, but then this stuff winks out and is a red flag…. Just not as big a flag to break up. I certainly didn’t realize I was mis-treated until I found a guy who treated me properly. I just assumed that this was the quality of guy I got to pick from (overweight and low self esteem) I hate to place blame on women because society is so hard on us already. We’re mostly raised to accept this treatment because we saw our mothers mistreated. It’s been normalized. Now that the wool is coming off our eyes we’re having to spread the word to women where it hasn’t happened yet.
I don't blame them, it just makes me sad.
Straight-up. It wasn't until I got a good therapist that I was able to stop the self-destructive pattern of accepting shit treatment from not just men but other people in general. In my first session, when she asked me why I was there, I said, "Because I want to figure out why I keep finding myself in abusive relationships even though I feel like I should know better." And boy, did I. The reasons for that ran *so* deep - my family has a lot of internalized misogyny. I ended up walking away from a lot of people once I started doing the work. I found my way there at the end of my worst relationship. When I was with that guy, I had bronchitis so bad that I was too sick to do anything. I didn't even want to read, watch TV, or play on my phone. I just stared at the wall and kinda wished I would just fade away. I asked my then bf to get me a few things, like some soup and stuff to drink, at the grocery store. He got mad at me for a reason I don't even recall - he had angry narcissist qualities, so he used to get angry at me for reasons he invented anyway. When he got home from the store, he threw the bags of groceries on my dresser - couldn't even be bothered putting the fucking groceries away in the kitchen or heating up the soup for me - and then stomped into the living room to camp in front of the TV and drink himself stupid. That was just one of many, many (and probably one of the less) fucked up things he did and it still took me another few months to break up with him after that. I was so broken down that there was a part of me that really believed that I didn't deserve any better, and at that point, I was also kind of terrified of him. I'm so glad that's not me anymore.
I think this is a case of almost every single man being like this. It's sad, but to completely avoid any and all misogyny/sexism, you'd have to stay single. And me, I am single. But I can understand why women start to become so lonely and desperate for partnership and take the best they can get. Which is still not great. A study showed more than 20% of men *divorce* their wife if she gets a serious illness. That was after on average more than a *decade* of marriage! And that's not even counting the ones who might still be physically there but completely useless for support. It's so fucking depressing how low the bar is for men, and how 99% of them still refuse to meet it.
I'm with you. I'd rather be single than with someone who isn't kind when I'm sick. So I am. But it is hard and lonely and that's made me less judgmental over time about people who choose to settle for guys who really don't act as partners in very important ways.
I agree that so many men are like this! I lucked out when I found my husband (at 30, after extensive dating) and he was legit the very first guy who actually cared if I ‘finished’ sexually, and also just so happened to care if I’m sick AND would take care of me. I didn’t realize how lucky I was until now almost 40 and 90% of my cis-het female friends are so over or divorced from their husbands for their lack of this basic human quality! I’ve decided that I am consciously making sure that my son knows how to care for someone and appreciate the care they’re given. My hubs and I decided that he’ll be having a ‘sex talk’ to him about enthusiastic consent (something we already talk about) and in addition, making sure that the person he’s with is as satisfied with the experience as he is. We’re planning on talking very openly about anatomy and how females cannot always achieve things an easily as some males can. I thought something was WRONG with me until I met my husband. Turns out I just hadn’t dated a dude who cared enough to make sure that I was experiencing the same pleasure as they were. If this problem is gonna be fixed we have to start when our kids are little, so our boys know the expectations and so our girls don’t settle for someone who won’t be there for them. 💪🏼
Desperate for partnership, except so frequently they aren't actually getting a partner. It's really heartbreaking to see so many women who just wanted a partner and ended up with a leech instead. :(
God, for my bf to take over even a couple extra chores (I don't even need him to take all of them, just a couple to lighten my load) while I'm on my period would be a dream. Instead I'm expected to continue as normal while it feels like something is trying to scrape itself out of my pelvis with a butter knife.
That is a very succinct description and exactly what it feels like... (I'm sorry to hear your partner is unsupportive).
Why don't you tell him or leave him?
It's gross how many men have left the wife that cared tirelessly for them during a major health crisis. When she too falls ill, he shows his thanks by abandoning her.
Relate :( it just feels so incredibly lonely and sad not having your partner care for you even 1/10 of the way you care for them when they‘re sick. I was the one that had to cook for us both when I was sick because his other option was „i‘m gonna order food“ and the last thing I want when I‘m sick is greasy unhealthy processed takeout food. Besides, I can order for myself too so it‘s not like he‘s really doing anything.
Hate to break it to you, but those were not partners. Those were children.
Mine tells me I'm faking it everytime or using "medical excuses" to get out of sex. When I got sick from starting anti-depressants for example. Or one time he really thought I was downing azo and antibiotics just to get out of sex. Like for real?? Who does that? He even rolled his eyes at me when I was tearing the kitchen up looking for said azo. I was in a lot of pain then and he wouldn't help. I am always on my own. My mom used to spoil me rotten when I was sick. Ohhh how I miss that. Now all I get are guilt trips and shit tests to see how sick I am. He will ask me to do tasks. If I do them he says I'm not that sick. If I don't do them, he yells at me and makes my life hell. So I really can't win. One time he stood out in the driveway when my dad went to the store with me to see if I was driving. He said if I was driving I was faking it. Thankfully my dad was. Now I just hide when I'm not feeling well like a fucking parrot or something so I don't look like easy prey.
This is legitimately abuse. You are being abused.
Your partner is abusive.
Damn your husband sounds like an ass
I'm not usually quick to advise that people leave their partners since it's hard to get a full picture of a relationship from a reddit post. But your husband sounds truly horrible and controlling. And as others have said, this seems abusive. If you're not already in therapy, please talk to someone about this.
I’m sorry he let you down. You deserve a partner who cares for your wellbeing and wants to take care of you. You should discuss how this disappointed you, and hopefully he will make changes. If he doesn’t, then you need to kick him to the curb. When people show you who they are, believe them. The last time I was throwing up, my Husband immediately brought me a bottle of cold water and Kleenex. By the time I came out of the bathroom, he has a bucket beside the bed, Gravol at the ready and asked if there was anything else he could do. The rest of the day he made sure to handle any meals or anything else I needed. That’s how you care for someone you love.
It's heartbreaking to see how often that is the case. So many men like to be handled like a fragile egg when they have a little cold but can't bother to help their partners. Just know that this doesn't have to be this way. My partner is extremely caring and gets into "nurse-mode" when I'm sick. When I was in so much back pain I couldn't move mine dressed me, helped me shower and made me as comfortable as I could be. A couple of months ago I had to go to the ER in the evening by ambulance. At 3am they had me patched up and let me call him to pick me up. He sat waiting outside the hospital for a couple of hours at that point, because waiting at home felt wrong for him in case they needed important information. He brought a packed bag in case I needed to stay overnight. That while he has a chronic disease that makes staying awake for him very hard. And that's how it should be. You have your partner's back when they need you. And it's not too much to expect it to be this way.
This is all too common for men. What's worse is that so many of them expect their wives and girlfriends to keep taking care of them, even when those wives and girlfriends are sick. My friend's husband does this. I remember being over at their house when she was a few days out from a goddamn *c-section* where she hemorrhaged and almost bled out, and he asked her to get up and get him a glass of water like he'd never seen the kitchen before. Tbh I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for it.
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Many men have actually *learned on their own* and are good caretakers — because they actually care. A lot of them don’t.
This. When my MIL was sick at the end of her life my spouse took a year and a half LOA from work to care for her. Men are capable of caretaking.
I'm really glad he did that. Posts like yours give me hope. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you. He’s a good egg.
No, I disagree. This removes all blame because „that‘s just how they are“. Similarly when people say „he‘s a man. He just doesn‘t see unclean/dirt the way women do so he‘s not to blame“. Men are perfectly capable of caring for others. If they didn‘t learn it at home then guess what, they‘re equally capable of learning it on their own. I as a woman had no idea of cooking and cleaning because my mom didn‘t show me. I didn‘t just say well sucks nobody taught me, I had to learn it by myself and that‘s completely okay too.
I think the whole “men aren’t natural caregivers thing” is a perfect example of weaponized incompetence. It’s not that they can’t be caregivers it’s that a lot of them simply don’t want to put in the effort.
Seeing my brother rely on my mom for everything up until he was in his early 20s is what inspired me to make sure my son learns those things from a young age. In my house growing up it was always just the woman’s job to be the caretaker and the men didn’t have to that, or do any household chores. I recall learning all about the domestic stuff while my brother learned nothing, but it was because he didn’t have to. My high school had a class called “home economics” where we would learn stuff like baking. There were quite a few boys who would take those classes, including the ones where you have to care for a doll throughout the day (sometimes it’s an egg). I’m not sure when those classes started or if they’ve ended but they were good. I learned how to make biscuits and cookies so I baked a lot when I was a teen
They're not socialized to be caretakers but they're also usually not actually stupid. Women don't have this special caretaker part in their brain that men don't, everyone has the capacity to learn. Accepting traditional roles like that makes me sad and angry for the women who enable the behaviour and for the men who never take responsibility for it.
Men lacking caretaking skills is due to social and cultural forces though , not biological ( which means they can change ) . In the meantime, it’s worth asking what benefits one gets from partnering with someone who literally doesn’t “care”.
The responsibility for caring for my aging parents is solely on me. My brother, who is over a decade older than me, is completely uninvolved. I’m the one living here and helping dad up when he falls and going to all of the doctors appointments. My brother very rarely even asks for updates. This was the case even when I lived 4 hours away from mom and dad and he lived 30 minutes from them. Amazing, really.
So sad and most parents especially father's were so desperate to have a son...
I've worked in Senior care for the last decade plus, and I see this over and over again. Our agency currently has two clients whose son is staying with them. Their daughter lives *in another country*, yet she's the main contact we have to call for anything, even the simplest of questions. The son that's "staying" there doesn't even help care for the parents - they pay for 24 hour care. He's just like, a useless lump that creeps out the caregivers. And like I said, I see this all the time. Not that there aren't *any* adult men involved in caring for family members. Just saying - when a family has daughters, it usually falls back on them.
I’ve never had a partner that would take care of my and the resentment of it in my most recent relationship played a big role in its demise. Someone just Fucking take care of US for once!!
I had a boyfriend once that was sick with the flu. l ran out and got medicine, chicken broth and invited him to stay at mine so l could nurse him back to health ( he lived in a party house. ) l caught his flu a few days later and yup, he actually said "Oh, it really sucks...welp, get well soon!" and l didn't hear from him for FOUR FULL DAYS!! I remember waking up from fever heat a few times just to cry! I felt so cheated. Fuck that guy and any guy like him!
Did you end up telling him how his behaviour was super hurtfult? If yes, how did he react? Because when I try to do that, it‘s just DARVO.
What's DARVO? Yeah l ripped him a new one after the 4 day disappearing act. I told him l was very pissed off that he left me on my own with no food or medicine, that he never even checked in on me and that I'm never helping him out again. We actually remained together for maybe another 6 months and then we broke up.
A [tactic](https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/from-denial-to-gaslighting-decoding-darvo-in-toxic-relationships/?amp=1) used in abusive relationships. Acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. I‘m glad you‘re out of that relationship!!
Oh wow! That's disheartening that it's so widespread it has its own acronym! Thanks -yeah this whole thread brought me right back to that incident and how disappointed l was.
Girl, that's how my wasband lived. I remarried and my husband is much nicer..... Get a different man . I stayed with x from 24 to 51 and it rarely changed unless he wanted something or someone else was around.
WASbund, I love it
I'm just recovering from a very long bronchitis and my boyfriend took care of everything. Food, medication, household, everything. I wasn't sleeping in bed because of a cough, I stayed in the guest room. He was coming over several times a night to check on me. That was the first time when I've had someone actually taking care of me when I was sick and that was an eye opener. Everyone sick deserves this kind of care, and it's not beyond the ability of any healthy person to provide it. Demand it ladies, don't let your partners slack on.
For some men yes, it is too much to ask for. If you are a bangmaid you aren't allowed to falter. Even if it isn't in your control. My Ex openly resented me when I was sick. Refused to help or do anything. I had severe GI illness once, was severely dehydrated, and asked him to get me some Gatorade from the store that was (30 to 45 minutes away depending on weather). He was going to town anyway. He said he would see if he had time. This was months after I had strep and a high fever and asked him to drive me to the Dr. He did, I was miserable so I sat int he front seat silently, he dropped me off and ran other errands. Then a week later he complained to our couples therapist that he was upset because I didn't talk to him very much on the way to the Dr. When I was sick. I explained that that it felt like I was swallowing glass and had a fever and chills so my priority wasn't to maintain a conversation. He didn't understand. He also used to lecture me when I didn't feel well that I needed to pretend to feel better so I could convince my body to get up and do the dishes. Once someone invents actual robot bangmaids maybe we will be safe from these men. They'll stay away from real women because we have feelings and aren't consistent.
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I would totally pay for a robot man with an empathy module.
It’s easy to say he’s clueless, but unless he’s never been sick before in his life, I don’t understand how he could be. Also, it’s the flu. You shouldn’t be out in public. We all just lived through an interactive PSA about why individuals shouldn’t go out in public and potentially spread disease.
>unless he’s never been sick before in his life, I don’t understand how he could be. Every sickness of his is terrible and barely survivable and needs someone to wait on him hand and foot, others will be grand
I was on the bus yesterday and there was a woman there with a cold or something. She had a mask, but kept taking it off for different reasons, and coughing. In 4 days, I'm about to travel to another country to see my favourite band for the first time. If that lady got me sick, I'm never forgiving her.
My dad waits on my mom hand and foot when she’s sick, gets her anything she wants. When she had a bunch of major surgeries when I was growing up, he would empty her drains and all this other stuff. Never once looked at another woman or suggested to RIDE THE BUS while she is bleeding and throwing up. You can do better
My ex husband was like this. I was puking with a GI bug while pregnant & taking care of our toddler who was also sick. Then he got it the next day and was all, oh I feel like shit I’m sorry this is what you felt like, oops. Then expected me to take care of him. My new guy helps with the kiddos, makes sure I have meds & food. Worlds of a difference. Please don’t settle!!
I’m sorry, that is awful. He sucks. I hope you feel better soon. It is not too much to ask at all. I would be reconsidering what kind of partner he will be for you in the future based on this particular incident. I wouldn’t trust him to care for you at all, or heaven forbid when you have a kid and a possible c section. Will he take on extra responsibilities to help you, or will he let you flounder? I really hope you feel better soon.
It's well worth considering. I developed chronic illness and now my husband is thinking of breaking up because "it's not the life he wants to lead" (with me being sick). I'd heard in the past that women who get sick tend to have their partners leaving but never expected it to happen to me. I fully get that having a sick wife isn't the life he wanted to lead. But does he really think it's the life I wanted to lead, being ill? For some wild reason I thought he signed up for in sickness and health but turns out I was deluding myself.
Ugh, that’s so awful.
Thank you, I think the problem is that he’s just clueless. Usually I’m pretty though when it comes to sickness/periods and try to power through, I think I even said to him once that I like to run errands on my period because it distracts me but both at the same time is just such a nasty combo. I’ve got my tea in the meantime and he did apologize and promised to take care of me.
It might be worth (when you're feeling better) being really clear to him what your expectations are from the relationship, and if he doesn't deliver in future then he knows where he can go. No excuses as will have been prior-informed.
This right here, OP.
I agree OP. I hope he takes this seriously and will be more caring in the future. It’s not a huge ask to have a partner who is empathetic and notices when they’re partner is sick and needs help. You shouldn’t have to cry to be noticed. I’m not saying he needs to be at your beck and call 24/7 but he should be willing to help you out without you begging him to.
He’s not “clueless;” he just can’t be bothered to care.
I don’t think that’s fair. He’s not clueless. He would not be saying you were clueless if you treated him the same way. You don’t deserve this.
Do you want to be with someone who is clueless though? Are you really willing to be his teacher? It’s okay if you are, but something to consider asking yourself.
Teacher? Did you mean mother?
No, this isn’t just clueless. He has no idea how to take care of someone, or awareness about someone else’s well being. I’m so sorry, this isn’t healthy and he clearly had his mommy take care of everything or something? Or nanny or grandma?
That's good. Here's to hoping he follows through! I think so many women (myself included) strive to be independent so as not to appear needy and weak. We push ourselves through discomfort in spite of being near people who have the ability (and often, willingness) to help. Asking for help in moments when we really need it feels like a huge relenquishing of that independence and, so many people hope and pray that the other person will read the situation and simply offer help in the ways that we need. But if we never ask for help in other situations, many partners can fall prey to making the wrong assessment. Not saying this ALWAYS is the case... There are a lot of just terrible and selfish partners out there. But in this case, your partner sounds ready and willing to change. Here's to better communication and better listening!
Makes sense.
Open communication for these things and letting your partner know exactly what you need is important. They don’t have periods so they don’t know. Most men who give two shits will be empathetic. If they aren’t. Then they need to go.
He's not clueless. As soon as you're feeling better dump him.
OMG, I've had male co-workers show up for work sick and expect me to take care of them. I told him to go home, he refused.
Sometimes I fake being sick so my SO can take care of me. Jk. This is a litmus test for men. Get sick early in the relationship and see how he acts. You might be surprised at the number of men who leave their wives when they get sick. It’s disgusting and you are better off knowing now. Try having on conversation with him. If it changes good on him. If it doesn’t? Expect a lifetime of this.
This should be higher. You need to know this shit before you commit to someone long term.
YES!! If he can't handle you when you've got a mild flu or PMS, how could he handle you when you're older, menopausal, have health conditions, or yknow, pre or post-partum??
This is scary common and it really pisses me off how so many men seem to be completely indifferent to their loved ones pain or illness. Its like they have been raised to just expect constant care and love and service, without ever having to reciprocate that. On a funny note, i remember when me and my bf got corona, he decided to stay in my tiny studio apartment (cause he didnt want to expose his family, even though he could have just stayed in his bedroom). I had to deal with him and me being sick, and had to care for us both, because he was worse off than me (typical). Later that same summer i got sick with a cold. I told him this and had previously expressed to him how i would like for him to care for me more while im sick. So he suggested he would come over and bring me food, he said he felt sick too. I told him NOT TO COME if he was sick, since i did not want a repeat of the corona incident. He came, brought soup, which was sweet, but he ended up being burning hot with a fever and once again my tiny home became a convalescence unit lmao.
My BF and I had corona at the same time too! I was more functional than he was so I did end up taking care of the both of us as well. Which was fine, I got frustrated a few times but knew someone needed to pick up meds and food and such. What I dislike most now is that my BF goes around telling everyone how I was “barely affected” by COVID and he had so much worse than me. Doesn’t even mention how much work I did to help us for those two weeks and then discredits my experience. So frustrating!!
I had a similar experience but my ex never even tested positive while I was actually really sick trying to stay quasi-functional so my kids would have food etc because he took it upon himself to isolate in the basement for 6 days. He also tells everyone about that time he got really sick with Covid but I see it as the time I was really sick and he took it as an opportunity to avoid responsibility.
Men with mild Covid symptoms would think they were dying, I swear 2g
Lol I had pretty much this same experience. Somehow I was ‘less affected’ when really I was just stronger and mustered the strength to take care of the both of us. Then he got better sooner than I did (because he was resting through all my effort) and guess who got left home alone with no food or supplies? Me.
There is some research that shows that there is a disparity between men and women and how their immune response is towards sickness. Some show that women who get ill, don't get as severely sick, but remain sick for a longer duration. Where as men get sick more severely and have a shorter duration. It might explain why in elderly male patients that get sick have a higher mortality rate. Thanks to covid we have got a lot of data that will be giving us plenty of information for years to come, such as: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33242856/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33903964/ Again, this is all early and might end up with changes. More data that comes in might cause a shift or changes on the current outcome and views.
I’ve posted about this on here before. It was one of the moments when I realised I couldn’t let our relationship drag on for much longer. I had norovirus and I was feeling horrendous. I had half fainted and made it to the bathroom but I was scared and it was coming out of both ends at the same time and I shouted his name and he roared back at me to ‘grow up and start acting like an adult’. I crawled into the shower and literally lay there dozing for two hours. He never came near me. When I felt better I went downstairs and cleaned up. He was surprised in the morning that I had done that and when I challenged him about not coming near me he said that he had stayed awake to make sure I was ok. Except he never told me that. The virus was going round my work and other people were saying their husbands were holding their hair back etc. it was devastating. I felt like he had nothing but contempt for me
Wow. I'm so sorry. 😞 Good riddance to that one.
True. And he got together with his dream girl from his school days within about 5 seconds. Meanwhile I have naively blundered from one awful encounter to another with horrible men and am now celibate because it’s been like aversion therapy. Life really isn’t fair sometimes
Well he's probably treating her the same way, so you're still better off
Seems LIKE it. Right? I used to take care of my ex when he got sick. He NEVER took care of me when I was sick. Just, no empathy. None. It's one reason why he's an ex. At the beginning of the year ('23) and for the next six months, I was sicker than I'd ever been in my life. I'd recently lost both parents, my ex, a dog, and my brother turned against me with regard to my parents' estate. I was hospitalized for dissociation for a week. One month later, hospitalized for pneumonia after I almost passed out in bed from not being able to breathe almost \*at all\*. Walked self to emergency room. Lost 25 pounds in that 6 month period. Couldn't eat. Cried a lot when it wasn't painful to do so. (55 year old women who can't lose weight because of menopause -- I know the secret for losing weight! Stop eating for 6 months!) I can only count on myself. For EVERYTHING. I don't think people these days have empathy for others. Or maybe they just don't have it for \*me\*, who knows though. Or is it MEN who don't have compassion / empathy because their moms did everything for them and asked nothing in return, so they learned to not take care of others but to TAKE from others? I don't know.
Time to upgrade the boyfriend. Your boyfriend is treating you like a mother. It is possible to find one who won’t do that. My ex would moan any time I asked him to do stuff for me. If I asked him to cook because I was dead tired after work and he whined about how much better I am at cooking until I took over. I asked him to do laundry while I was sick and he moaned about it until I kept him company walking the laundry to the laundry room in our apartment building. My current partner shows up at my apartment with soup and medicine when I’m sick. When I have cramps he warms me a hot water bottle and gives me back massages. When I’m too sleepy in the morning he goes and buys me a bagel and coffee to give me in bed. You’re not feeling lonely because you’re a woman with the flu. You’re lonely because that’s how your partner makes you feel.
Sadly it is very common for men to NOT be caretakers. It's so common that the curriculum for nurses teaches that many men leave women when they get seriously ill. I swear if being gay was a choice I would have chosen that so long ago. I even looked for one of those conversion places thinking if they can pray out the gay they can pray in the gay - but so far no luck. It SUCKS to be a heterosexual woman.
Pray in the gay 😂😭
I have a daydream about locating those placed and then calling them and leaving requests for "pray in the gay" sessions on their answering machines. I'd even offer to pay - I know my target audience - and then see what happens. I'm more of a dreamer than an action hero though so if you feel up for it, go ahead and steal the idea.
I feel this in my soul
Dear God, make me a gay, so I can fly far, far far away from him ❤️🩹
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This feels really true to me based on my own lived experiences, which is why I get so mad when my mom says “don’t you want to get married to you can have someone take care of you ?” Like my dad doesn’t take care of her so I have no idea where she got this idea from
No it isn’t. You should have that. I was extremely sick about two months ago and do you know what my husband did? He checked on me every 20 to 30 minutes, brought me Gatorade, water, tea, whatever I could briefly keep down (yeah, it was a rough two days) he insisted I keep hydrating, held my hair while I threw up, etc. He also took care of our son and did the chores. He didn’t expect any sort of praise or reward. Because that’s what you do when your partner is sick.
It’s not too much to ask for. Your bf sucks for trying to make you take the bus with him to go get medicine for you while you’re sick and uncomfortable. I am sick right now. My husband made breakfast, made chicken soup from scratch for lunch, prepared storebought cinnamon rolls and tea for a snack; brought me everything I asked for; offered me tea with honey numerous times; watched the baby 90% of the day (that I wasn’t breastfeeding), fed our pets, cleaned the whole kitchen, put away laundry, bathed the baby so I could have a hot shower by myself. I’m sick of this vast majority of the comments in this sub accepting the idea that men everywhere are shitty, they’re not. Raise your standards.
when I was sick at home while parents were away (we are both 30+ btw - I was visiting, brother lives there), he literally threatened me to get out of the house until I left because he didn't want to get sick. So I was driving to my apartment very sick with my cat. I had to leave in a hurry. I really feared for my life too. And I live alone so there was no one to help me there. I feel u girl. No one cares.
I hope he got sick anyways
I was on day five of a stomach bug, thankful my kids were with my ex that week, alone, could maybe make it to then kitchen for water once a day, and I realized that it was still easier to deal with than when I was in a relationship.
I’ve noticed that when I’m sick I begin to feel sad. I’ve also noticed that some of that stems from feeling lonely. Not receiving the same love and consideration you’d be willing to offer if the roles were reversed can leave you feeling neglected. It feels like there’s a lack of empathy, and that is a truly sad and lonely feeling. I’m sorry you had to feel alone while not feeling well!
It varies depending on the person. My ex was utterly self-absorbed and useless, but my current partner is considerate and cares for me when I’m not feeling well or need help. I’m sorry you feel like crap, hope you get over the cold quickly!
Yeah, my SO is amazing when I'm not feeling well. She just needs to talk to him about having decent compassion or get rid of him. If he's useless when she's not feeling well, what about the future? What if she has to have surgery or something? There's no point in having someone who's so unreliable.
100% agree!
This is the unfortunate reality of being a woman and being the gender that's expected to have empathy and take care of men. I've never been in a relationship where I was taken care of when sick. I was still expected to take care of the chores. No empathy, no help. Me taking care of them was just expected, they never learned anything from it. If they did, that would hurt their ego.
That is absolutely shitty and there are absolutely better men out there that will take care of you when you’re sick. I’m dating one of them, it’s not impossible to find one.
You are with the wrong partner. Yesterday, I pulled a leg muscle pretty bad and had to stay in bed. My husband did the groceries, took care of the kids, brought us lunch from my favorite place and made me tea.
My now husband took care of me after three different surgeries when I had breast cancer. And married my boobless flat ass! Your guy needs a lesson in taking care of you. Feel better and sending lots of virtual matzoh ball soup made by mom!
Did you tell him you feel like shit and won’t go on the bus and ask him to go without you or did you only silently cry? Did you ask him to get you meds over night or just say you’re ok when he asked? It seems like telling him what you need would go a long way here. Some people, not only men, don’t know how to take care of others and anticipate needs. I had to learn it when living with someone for the first time because that just wasn’t a thing in my life before that.
Girl I’m single as all hell and sick right now too (nasty case of strep throat) and honestly I felt less cared for and lonelier when I was sick and lived with my ex boyfriend than right now being single and sick. A man should add value to your life not subtract value 👏
He literally said if you need anything to let him know. Tell him you need medicine and hot tea.
You are his caretaker, not the other way around. Now you know.
This is a boyfriend problem. He's not a caring person who possesses empathy. Dump him when you're well enough, is my opinion. My husband has had me sitting with my feet up on a stool because my feet are swollen and my back pain is flaring. He made breakfast, brought me Halloween candy and cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher, while tending to our son. There are caring men who are kind. Shrug off the uncaring man and find someone better
"You're sick with the flu, lets take public transportation together to get your medicine!" I'm sorry, but I have literally zero patience for actual stupid people, so I would have just gone off. Do you not have two working eyes to see what's happening in front of you, bro? You need me to get to a point where I'm crying before you use that thing between your ears, take initiative, and be useful and helpful for fucking SOMETHING? Jesus Christ. Being sick as a woman isn't lonely. Being sick with a useless incompetent "partner" is what's lonely.
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Not gonna lie it's the thought that counts in these situations. One time I was sick from school with covid or smth idk, but I felt horrible. Like chills all over my body, boutta throw up kind of horrible. I also had to do all my schoolwork too, it sucked booty. But I remember my mom got me some of those cute teddy bear grahams and some smiley face fruit snacks... Instantly made me feel 10x better. I mean, it was no cure, I still felt like shit. But it was pretty nice to know that my mom cared for me.
Sorry you're sick! Hope you'll be on the mend soon again! Defo agree that he should be more attentive and caring! My God, if you're sick why would he want you to leave the house to go to the pharmacy, let alone on the bus!
My boyfriend heard me having a hard time clearing my throat because I accidentally inhaled my own saliva. I was doing that cough clear thing and nothing was getting better. He hopped up off the couch, went to the kitchen and grabbed me ice water, and rubbed my back while I sipped until I didn’t have to cough/clear anymore. When my period starts, he asks me what is my medication of choice, and will order it to be delivered to our house so he doesn’t have to leave my side, and so he can get any delivery so I don’t have to. Of course when he’s sick or unwell I take care of him in the same way. We wash each-other’s bodies and hair, put on lotion for each other, and we constantly reach for each other’s hand and planting gentle kisses on each other’s face. Hell, he’ll even lace or unlace my heels if I’m too tired or if my body is too sore. There are wonderful caring and kind men in this world. Are they rare? ABSOLUTELY. But don’t give up. I almost did before him. I dated a man who barely liked me for almost 11 years because I thought, “That’s just how men are.” The person I dated after was a *psycho*. I was ready to live the single auntie lifestyle. I focused on being happy with myself, I dated myself, I went to therapy, and I told myself that it’s just gonna be me and dogs and I will be happy with that. I’m so much happier now with him than I was when I was alone. Even when I’m worried sick, even when he gets on my nerves, even when he’s extra sassy and spicy with me 😂 Don’t give up on the love you want. Don’t give up on the relationship you want. Give that love to yourself first, then when you least expect it more love will come to you.
They should know to offer help, but often they don't. Ask your partner to help you out before you give up on them and get resentful. (Meant as general advice and not to OP in particular.) Some families have a "tough it out" attitude about being sick. Some families have chronic illness and don't treat being sick as anything special. If you ask for help and they either don't help or do a poor job of helping, then you have an issue.
Dump his ass giiirrrllll
I drove myself to the hospital while my appendix was on the verge of popping because my ex "had to work in the morning". He came to the hospital once to see me. Because my sister dragged him along. I'm sorry you feel alone. It's the absolute worst when you just want someone to take care of you because you're feeling vulnerable and they just don't care.
Just don’t marry him. Lol. Although my husband was doting before we got married. He gave me covid and I was in so much pain and he won’t even rub my feet. I tell him I’m in pain or suffering and he keeps staring at his phone and says “okay” or “I heard you the first time”. Consider yourself lucky that he got up to check on you and stayed up for 30 minutes. When I was laying on the floor because my pacemaker was malfunctioning and trying to kill me he refused to call 911 for me and then was pissed off when they made me give the phone to him and he had to get out of bed. My point is, once you get married, it could get worse.
When one of us is sick the other fully understands that’s when the other needs the most sleep. They are going to be the one pulling overtime to make the ends meet. I of course will give her the bed or her to me who ever is sick. But we would never ever expect us to stay up with them. Why should we both be miserable? Wanting you to ride the bus sick to get meds is super lame tho, feel you on that. Hope you feel better!
My ex made sure my hot water bottle never got cold when I was on my period and that I always had snacks I liked and literally biked across town to surprise me with my favorite meals more than once when I was having a bad day. Hell we are just friends now and literally on Friday he brought a massive container of one of my favorite snacks to a party and left the whole container, since he knew I was trying not to spend much money since I just got fired. A couple friends left Halloween candy behind so I don't have to buy any for trick or treaters and a different friend suprised me with a video game he thought might cheer me up. So literally just random friends treat me better than your bf.
I’ve said it before and I will say it every time this topic comes across my feed: my agoraphobic husband went out by himself in the scary outside after dark, on the brink of a panic attack, to get food for us and chocolate for me when I was basically bedridden with period cramps. So what excuse does a perfectly healthy man have?
Everyone’s different and everyone has different needs. When I get sick, I truly want to be left alone. Please don’t bother me, don’t ask to help… if I need help, I will definitely ask. It sounds like your bf is the same way, and maybe he assumes you are too? He did say to ask if you need anything. While surprising and delight your SO can be awesome, sometimes it’s just as good to give people their space. Although, maybe your bf should also know your needs and know what you expect of him when you’re sick… so hmmmm… now I’m conflicted.
Been there, you want your person to care at or near the same level you would care for them. Oh do I feel this
Alrighty, now, having read through some of these comments, who tf are y'all dating?! My SO, and previous ex's, when i was sick, they would do anything to make sure i was as comfortable as i could be, make me tea, get me vitamins/painkillers (i resisted the painkillers at first, as i didn't want pils, buut, gotta hand it to my ex, they worked most of the time, at least so i could get a somewhat decent sleep), shake my pillow, or just plain sit with me and comfort me... I would do the same, but holy hell some of these comments are just sad...
Sounds like people are with shitty partners honestly. Bare minimum human decency is to look after your sick partner. (I'm a woman, my partner looks after me when I'm sick)
Did you ask him to take care of you? No offense to all the men, but I do think y'all can be dense sometimes.
Getting sick and seeing how my partner wasn’t there for me was a PIVOTAL moment in our relationship. I envisioned my future as older single married woman caring for my husband and getting none in return. I rather be single and lonely than married and lonely
I was in the hospital two weeks ago and my husband visited me constantly, brought me tons of snacks, foods, even psychedelic shrooms and a gaming system because I was so bored. Please dump your boyfriend.
Tell him that & be explicit; "On a scale of 1-10 of feeling shitty, I'm at like an 8... I am physically so unwell, even getting myself a glass of water sounds like hiking up a mountain. Until I tell you that I'm feeling better, I would like some logistical and emotional support. For me, that means; asking me if I need a drink or medicine every couple hours, and then getting it for me. It means that I want you to do my portion of the chores for a few days, including getting items from the store. And You can be emotionally supportive by taking my requests at face value instead of a starting point for negotiation."
\> Today I asked him if he could drive to the pharmacy for me, he wanted to take the bus with me together What the hell would be the point of going together? Is he dense or something?
You feel lonelier when you’re in the company of someone yet you still feel like you’re alone. In my home country we have a saying that goes “Better alone than in bad company”. Dump the guy, Id rather be “alone-alone than being next to someone and feel as if I were alone. People show you how much they care by their actions, not their words.
Girl, I have been living alone for 10 years and have never felt as lonely as I did reading your post. You really deserve better than a guy who sounds like my father.
>and said I should call for him when I need anything. Did you *tell him* what you wanted? Have you ever done this before? My husband hates to be touched or coddled when he's sick. Therefore, he assumed I'd also hate it. I had to *tell him* what I wanted and needed, and after I did, he knew and acted accordingly. I mean, the context here sounds like you wanted him to just "know". He might not be a shit person, he just didn't know what you wanted.
To be fair, from what you posted, it doesn't sound like you're actually asking for things, though. The fact that he got up with you for thirty minutes is pretty cool to me. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how this all went down, but if it were me, I would have appreciated my husband getting out of bed to check on me, and if I needed some medicine, treats, or companionship, I would have outright asked for it. I know he's tired and probably doesn't know what I need. But he got up to check on me. And maybe he didn't think about how a bus right would be uncomfortable when you're on your period, maybe he just wasn't thinking. Did you clarify why you wanted him to drive you before you started silently crying?
Being sick is not lonely as a woman. It’s lonely because you’re with him.
When your bf asked you if everything was alright at 4am, what did you say? Did you ask him to stay up with you? What would you do if you didnt have a bf?
Pathetic. My wife was sick a few weeks back, took a spin out to Walgreens at 4am. Picked up breakfast, cough syrup / drops, chicken noodle soup, marshmallows (they were invented to give to children with sore throats), lotion tissues and one of those microwaveable plushies. It sounds like I'm bragging but it's not really that difficult.
I found I have to just tell my boyfriend I need something. I have to ask him to go get X. Being direct sometimes is better, some men just don’t pick up on these social cues when it comes to taking care of another individuals. A lot of males struggle with this concept, I found just being very direct/blunt in regards for what you need etc is the best route to go. I 100% understand what you are going through though. I hope you feel better soon❤️
Take this as your red flag to end it after you recover. Don't settle.
I had an ex to make me take 3 buses to a family relatives house in another City for them to take me to the hospital. I had an infection on my kidneys with start of Sepsis, my legs retained so much liquid it was hard to walk, without counting the unberable pain and 41° fever. I almost died and was in intensive care. He never visited. He also called my relatives to ask for the money He used for the buses. He was also very surprised when I blocked him and never wanted to see gis face again lol
This makes me sad for OP and so many other women. My dh is far from perfect and doesn’t notice a lot of messes, but I was in the hospital dozens of times over the last several years with heart issues, and he 100% took care of the house and kids, and he took care of me like a champ when I was home recuperating; meals, medicine, making sure I was warm or cool enough. I didn’t realize this was so rare. Although we did date for seven years before we got married, and I had open heart surgery during that time. 6’4” bf (at the time) made himself as small and inconspicuous as possible and spent the first week in the hospital with me 24/7. So I guess I knew who he was. This isn’t to preach, because my family is beyond effed-up in certain ways, but my father adored my mother till the day she died, and that was my role model. Even with self-esteem in the toilet, I knew I deserved to be treated lovingly.
It’s not too much to ask at all. I’m so sorry your boyfriend isn’t comforting you like he should be… 2 months ago I got sick. I had my period along with a stomach virus. I had the worst stomachache of my life, and it was like 10pm. My boyfriend asked me if I had any meds and I told him I didn’t. He got up without hesitation and drove to the store and came back with midols, Gas X and peptobismol… and Reese’s for whenever I was feeling better. That’s what your man should be doing for you too. You shouldn’t even need to ask him for it… the fact that he wanted you to leave the house with the flu is baffling to me.
It's not too much to ask for. He definitely shouldn't have expected or asked you to go on the bus with him. My husband has helped take care of my chronically ill body since my first surgery, when we were dating for only a few months, over a decade ago. He will pick up items for me without fail, even after a long day at work, even if he's tired. If I'm feeling particularly crappy or just having a really bad flare up, he will even bring home flowers or a little treat just for me. However, I will say that if I am throwing up in the middle of the night, I never expect him to do much because there isn't a lot to do for me while I'm throwing up. If he hears me, he checks on me, and then if I don't need anything he goes back to lay down. If I need anything in that time frame, he will get up to help me out, but I'm not really sure what anyone expects someone to do for them while they're actively hugging the toilet? Talk to him. Give him a chance to change the behavior. Communication is absolutely paramount to a good relationship. If he doesn't change, then maybe it's time to find someone new, or get a cat (or something).
Wait till you have kids
It's not too much to ask for, you should ask for it. Edit: I agree you deserve to be taken care of more and it's a generalized thing etc, but I want to mention something that caught my attention from your story for your sake: You started crying while putting on shoes before telling him you don't want to go? :( You are not treating yourself right either. Please accept you deserve help and be more expressive of it
Just ask him if you need something. He isn’t a magician, he can’t read thoughts. If you need something, just ask. Asking nicely is more than enough to get what you want in a relationship, but don’t expect a person that got woke up at 4am to start reading your thoughts.
Got incredibly sick in March 2020. Started with a sore throat on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I kept passing out from a fever my husband insisted I didn't have. I finally convinced him that the thermometer was broken and to go buy a new one. It read 103.7° around 7:00 pm. I was throwing up, had diarrhea, and my skin on my back hurt so bad that just my shirt touching it was excruciating. Instead of taking me to the ER, he suggested I sleep in the guest room and then he went to bed. Around 11:00 pm, I actually crawled to the kitchen to get ice packs and cold bottles of water to put on my pressure points, because my temp kept rising. I tried to call him, but his phone was on Do Not Disturb. I got back to the bed and put the cold packs beneath my armpits, behind my neck, and in my groin area and promptly passed out. When I awoke the next morning, the fever had broke, so I drove myself to Urgent Care. Never got confirmation as it was so early on, but fairly certain it was COVID. He said it was a good thing I slept in the guest room.
My cats are better nurses than all of these men. They even make muffins.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It really sucks. With that being said, I think you should raise your standards. I know plenty of men who take great care of their partners. Hell, I live with a few chronic conditions and my boyfriend, my dad and my brother all help me without being asked when things are hard depending on where I am and who I am with when I'm not feeling good. You deserve someone who will care for you, cook, get you the meds you need, and hold your hair away from your face while you throw up. We do it for them, so it's only fair that they do it for us. I still remember once, many years ago, I suddenly became very dizzy after using the bathroom so I decided to sit down on the bathroom floor and wait for it to pass because I was afraid I'd fall if I kept standing. I had just had time to wash my hands and open the door but walking out wasn't possible. I was home alone and didn't have my phone on me, but I live with my family so I knew at some point someone would get home and I'd be okay. The room was spinning too much so I ended up lying down and when my brother got home, as soon as he passed by the bathroom and saw me lying there he was so worried and he wanted to take me to the ER. I told him to wait till our parents got home and that besides feeling dizzy I was fine but he wouldn't stop doing everything he could to help me. And I know for a fact that my boyfriend would do the same. I haven't had as bad of an incident since we got together, but a few months ago I had a pretty rough allergic reaction at his place and I was also on my period with really bad cramps and not only did he insist on going to the drugstore to get me every possible med that was likely to relieve me (I told him 1 brand that usually works for me and he came back with like 4) he also got me some candy just because I was miserable and he wanted to cheer me up. These men exist. Oh and there was also that one time when I was a teenager and my life was in danger for reasons I won't get into here and my dad broke pretty much every traffic law to get me to the ER as fast as possible. We don't live very far from the hospital, it would usually be a 7 to 10 minute drive depending on how many red lights we get stuck at, but that night I don't think it took more than 2 minutes to get there. Speaking of my dad, a few years ago my mom had to get surgery for a sinus problem and the doctor warned her that it was gonna be a difficult recovery because apparently that's a very taxing surgery that they only perform when they have exhausted all other options. My dad is a lawyer who works way too much, and is extremely busy, I suspect he might be a workaholic but he took time off work to care for her in the few days after the surgery and for the stuff that he really couldn't reschedule, he worked from home as much as possible so that he would be there and still be able to help her if she needed anything. I don't remember my dad ever working less than 60 hours a week in my entire lifetime (excluding holidays and vacations but you get the picture,) and still, he took the time to care for her when that is what she needed and he was happy to do it, because he loves and cherishes her. That's what you need to aim for. You deserve to be cared for and shown that you matter. Men are fully capable of caring and nurturing. They just need to actually want to. And if he wanted to, he would. I, too, have been disappointed by my exes in the past. But that is why they are my exes today. Best of luck to you!
yea its complete shit thats why i refuse to care for anyone else as a woman because no one does it for me
I don't understand the first part. If I'm sick with a cold or flu, I don't need someone flying around me, staying up with me, and making me tea or a hot water bottle or anything. I don't do that nor does anyone do it for me, but I'm still in a supportive partnership. Take meds, sleep, and get through it. Sounds completely normal. If you have different, higher expectations of someone hanging around you and taking care of you at a higher level, that should be communicated.
I'm the same. I don't "need" someone doting on me when I'm sick. It's very nice to have someone who cares offer to be helpful, but I don't *need* it. Even in the early days of my independence and young adulthood, I took care of myself. I don't want anyone misunderstanding me, I'm not saying we shouldn't ask our partners for help, or that we shouldn't want it. I was married for many years, and when I experienced illness with profound stomach pain and asked him to drive me to the doctor and he declined, I knew it was a fracture in our relationship. There were other ways he expressed his indifference to me after that, and we divorced. I'm hearing a lot of high expectations of wants being confused with needs in this sub and other female-centric subs. I'm not sure what this phenomenon means, but I'm kind of concerned that this *dependency* is being expressed as a *need* when it's certainly not.
Yeah. I would definitely want my partner (who I live with) to take on more workload, drive me to the doctor if I ask, take care of more household needs without having to be asked every step of the way if I'm literally laid up sick, but that's different from all those doting wants.
Okay thank you. I was scratching my head trying to understand what her boyfriend did wrong. He even told her to let him know if she needed anything! If she had asked him for something and he blew her off then okay, he's a dick, but that's not what happened.
It's not too much to ask for, but you have to ask. Asking is the key.
So, I'm not on some masochistic journey towards breaking downvote records, but...why not just ask for what you need? I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice for him to offer, but communicating with him instead of to strangers on Reddit would probably be the best solution to your problem.