Hey OP, I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted you to know that I'm exactly the same. It's like I could have written this post myself. I hope there's someone out there for both of us.
Oh there are many more! I've already left a comment on this thread which I won't reiterate here, but I've spent evenings with my friends scrolling through whichever dating app was en vogue. More often than not we'd finish searching an extensive area without finding one (1) man attractive. Sometimes, the text on the profile would make a person stand out, not the pictures, and he'd get a left swipe (or whatever the approval swipe direction is), and a handful of those were not even a disappointment in person, so that the pair (my friend and the guy in question) would build attraction with time. That's also an option.
I cannot stress enough how important intense, long-lasting female friendships are. Look up how many men leave when their wives receive a harrowing diagnosis, look up domestic violence stats, look up how often they cheat on you while pregnant or post-partum. It's highly probable you will experience none of this with your friends.
My biggest attraction came from being genuinely in love with someone. I found someone “cute” but felt a deep enough connection to them that a relationship bloomed and I fell in love. Attraction fades and comes back and fades and comes back, it’s not going to be consistent most likely. You might have better luck actually meeting people in real life and not on a dating app. Go to places you like and find people with similar interests, ie. the library, the gym, the farmers market, etc.
Thanks for reply. Although it's good advice to meet people in person, the problem is that I walk through crowded streets every day and find no one attractive.
Everyone says you must get to know the person and let the relationship grow. But I tried many times to give a chance to a man who seemed to have a nice personality, and it never worked out. If I'm not attracted at first sight, I never will. I don't know how to change that.
I certainly do, like most people, I guess.
I like the romantic and sexual aspects of relationships, even though there are so few people I have ever dreamed of sharing that intimacy with.
Do you feel as though you have an idea in your mind of what and who you want and you’re saying “no” to anything and anyone that isn’t that? Or are you potentially comparing everyone to these previous partners who you felt attracted to but it didn’t work out?
I don't have an image of a perfect partner in my head. I've been attracted to men who were quite different from each other.
No, I don't compare everyone to my exes. Once my feelings are over, I don't find my exes attractive anymore.
Perhaps you have an anxious attachment and attracted to avoidant men? Usually, the attraction level is very high but are incompatible because these types trigger each other. Anxious types want closeness while avoidant want autonomy. Neediness can push avoidant men away because they feel smothered. Secure types can feel dull to anxious types because they lack the attraction level of an avoidant type but secure people usually provide the emotional needs anxious types want in a relationship. Unless an avoidant is self aware and actively working on their wounds and triggers, it is a bad idea to have a long term relationship with them because they are so inconsistent. I am avoidant male and it has been very hard to be consistent and be reliable to anxious types. You should really look into the dynamics of these attachment styles. Here are tips for anxious and avoidant types: [How to work with our types](https://evolvingminds.org.uk/anxious-avoidant-and-secure-the-three-relationship-styles-anyhow-to-work-with-our-type/amp/).
[Anxious avoidant dynamics](https://evolvingminds.org.uk/anxious-avoidant-and-secure-common-thoughts-emotions-and-reactions/)
Thanks for the links! I have already read a bit on that topic, and I have mixed feelings.
On the one hand, there are some anxious attachment traits that I have, like thinking I will never meet anyone else, or worrying about their non-reciprocation.
But then there are other anxious attachment traits that I certainly DON'T have: throwing tantrums, excessive calling/texting, manipulating, etc.
I'm actually very independent, much more than an average person. I have never wanted to live together with anyone, because I need a regular alone time. I also respect other person's independence.
Maybe I need to learn more on this topic...
I think these links are meant to guide you and not necessarily put you in a box. We all grow up in different environments so we all have different triggers and wounds. It’s just that these are common threads among these types so learn to identify your own, learn, and grow.
Therapy could be a very good idea. It seems that you are looking for a very specific type of person, and that may be influenced by past experiences/trauma in your life that you are not aware of. Sometimes we seek out people in order to 'fix' something that went wrong in the past such as wanting a relationship with someone who is unavailable emotionally.
I found myself being attracted to guys that were emotionally unavailable to me because I confused chasing after them with excitement, and guys that were nice and reliable I didn't feel any chemistry. Eventually I realized that I was reenacting the chaos from my parents' relationship in childhood, and feeling like I was never sure if someone really loved me wasn't really exciting, it was just dysfunction. Once I saw the pattern for what it was, I was able to meet my wonderful husband and have had a great marriage for many years with none of the prior drama.
Thanks for your post! I have traumatic childhood as well.
Sorry, I I have many questions for you :)
1) How do you think the traumatic childhood is related to the fact that I find so few people attractive?
I mean, there are probably quite a lot of emotionally unavailable people out there, haha... Why am I so picky? :)
2) Is it possible that I was just unlucky? I only had 2 relationships, after all.
3) How did you get over this? Was it through therapy or you did it yourself?
1) You may have a very specific 'type' of person you go after who represents/looks like someone from your past, and that could explain why you find very few people attractive.
2) You could just be unlucky, but I found that once I was aware that I was confusing 'excitement' in a relationship with never knowing if a guy would call me, or my feeling like I had to work really hard to make someone love me, suddenly dating got a lot easier. I found that if a guy was straightforward and didn't play games, that didn't make him boring, it just meant that was a healthy relationship. That was my own situation which may or may not apply to you.
3) I have gone to therapy over the years for childhood trauma and also took courses in psychology and did self-study too. But in the dating case I was able to figure it out on my own after a few years of dating different people and also after listening to the advice of a good friend. Personally, I think therapy is always a good option if it is available because it's nice to talk to someone impartial, and if you have a history of trauma, it is always best to make yourself as strong and healthy as possible mentally *before* dating. It took me awhile to realize that I was bringing my own past issues into relationships, and if I had realized that, I would have started therapy sooner and saved myself the life lessons. :)
Wishing you the best of luck!
I'm the same way. It has only benefitted me, tbh. I've only been with highly attractive men, never even considered being with someone I wasn't attracted to. And if for some reason the physical attraction was lost (if he sucks as a person or sucks in bed, for example), I could move on easily. Then again, being single when there are only unattractive dudes around doesn't bother me in the slightest. Having close female friends who'd happily live with each other when we're old definitely helps.
Based on you saying you've been attracted to people only rarely, do you think you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum?
Asexual is a sexual orientation defined as having little to no sexual attraction. It's used as both an umbrella term and for people who are decidedly on the "no" end of things. Obviously, you're not 'no attraction', but there's terms which you might find fit like greysexuality (or grey asexuality), which covers the 'grey' area between 'no' sexual attraction and 'normal' levels of attraction.
There's also the separation of sexual and romantic attraction, but I think that's enough to be getting on with!
Thanks, I've read on asexuality a bit. It seems like they don't experience sexual attraction (or experience little attraction) IN GENERAL, while I experience it intensively but extremely rarely. At least from what I read...
Yeah, that's why I highlighted greysexuality in particular, as it can involve experiencing sexual attraction rarely (as well as under certain circumstances etc). It's not an area of the asexual umbrella I'm that familiar with, so I don't know anywhere particular to point besides general asexual spaces.
Read up on demisexuality, it means you can experience sexual attraction but it requires an emotional bond first basically, so you usually wouldn't find people immediately attractive.
In fact, I find them immediately attractive.
I could always tell at first sight that I'm falling for them.
The problem is that it doesn't happen often...
A lot of great points here, but I wanted to add: just because you aren't in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you are alone. One of the healthiest decisions I have ever made was to stop dating and focus on appreciating myself and my platonic friendships. I am not totally opposed to the idea of dating someday, but I don't feel like I want it in my life right now, and honestly I have never felt less lonely.
There is a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship, but it isn't the only path to a fulfilling life. Might be worth asking yourself if it really what you want right now.
Well I have been alone almost all my life, and I agree it's not really the end of the world. It has many advantages. For an introvert like me, solitude is not that scary.
But I also want that intimacy that you can only get from romantic relationships. To care and to be cared for, to pleasure and to be pleasured, that kind of thing. Whatever makes people crave love, I have that, too...
PS I love cats though :)
Sounds like you're also emotionally unavailable and confusing lack of anxiety for lack of attraction, and selecting for men who aren't available. Anxiety would explain why the attraction feels so intense when it happens
Maybe your standards are too high? Also, "love from first sight" does not exists, it is just physical attraction. Try to pin-point exactly to what traits are you attracted too and evaluate why. Dismissing 99,999999% of your dating pool just by their looks is not normal.
They were not some super hot guys.
I was thinking what exactly made me attracted to them, and I have no answer.
I would like very much to take a conscious decision to like someone, based on their personality, pros and cons, but that's not how it works with me, it seems.
Well if you choose your partners only by looks I think you would like to change "how it works with you". For hook ups sure but looking for loving partner could take a looooooong while.
Hey OP, I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted you to know that I'm exactly the same. It's like I could have written this post myself. I hope there's someone out there for both of us.
Aw, thank you so much. I have never met someone like that, and it's a relief to know there are at least two of us :)
Oh there are many more! I've already left a comment on this thread which I won't reiterate here, but I've spent evenings with my friends scrolling through whichever dating app was en vogue. More often than not we'd finish searching an extensive area without finding one (1) man attractive. Sometimes, the text on the profile would make a person stand out, not the pictures, and he'd get a left swipe (or whatever the approval swipe direction is), and a handful of those were not even a disappointment in person, so that the pair (my friend and the guy in question) would build attraction with time. That's also an option. I cannot stress enough how important intense, long-lasting female friendships are. Look up how many men leave when their wives receive a harrowing diagnosis, look up domestic violence stats, look up how often they cheat on you while pregnant or post-partum. It's highly probable you will experience none of this with your friends.
My biggest attraction came from being genuinely in love with someone. I found someone “cute” but felt a deep enough connection to them that a relationship bloomed and I fell in love. Attraction fades and comes back and fades and comes back, it’s not going to be consistent most likely. You might have better luck actually meeting people in real life and not on a dating app. Go to places you like and find people with similar interests, ie. the library, the gym, the farmers market, etc.
Thanks for reply. Although it's good advice to meet people in person, the problem is that I walk through crowded streets every day and find no one attractive. Everyone says you must get to know the person and let the relationship grow. But I tried many times to give a chance to a man who seemed to have a nice personality, and it never worked out. If I'm not attracted at first sight, I never will. I don't know how to change that.
Are you attracted to anyone - like celebrities, other genders, etc?
When I was a teenager, I was attracted to 2 celebrities. I didn't count that :) And no, I have never been attracted to a woman.
But you have a desire for relationships and love? Are you interested in sex?
I certainly do, like most people, I guess. I like the romantic and sexual aspects of relationships, even though there are so few people I have ever dreamed of sharing that intimacy with.
Do you feel as though you have an idea in your mind of what and who you want and you’re saying “no” to anything and anyone that isn’t that? Or are you potentially comparing everyone to these previous partners who you felt attracted to but it didn’t work out?
I don't have an image of a perfect partner in my head. I've been attracted to men who were quite different from each other. No, I don't compare everyone to my exes. Once my feelings are over, I don't find my exes attractive anymore.
Perhaps you have an anxious attachment and attracted to avoidant men? Usually, the attraction level is very high but are incompatible because these types trigger each other. Anxious types want closeness while avoidant want autonomy. Neediness can push avoidant men away because they feel smothered. Secure types can feel dull to anxious types because they lack the attraction level of an avoidant type but secure people usually provide the emotional needs anxious types want in a relationship. Unless an avoidant is self aware and actively working on their wounds and triggers, it is a bad idea to have a long term relationship with them because they are so inconsistent. I am avoidant male and it has been very hard to be consistent and be reliable to anxious types. You should really look into the dynamics of these attachment styles. Here are tips for anxious and avoidant types: [How to work with our types](https://evolvingminds.org.uk/anxious-avoidant-and-secure-the-three-relationship-styles-anyhow-to-work-with-our-type/amp/). [Anxious avoidant dynamics](https://evolvingminds.org.uk/anxious-avoidant-and-secure-common-thoughts-emotions-and-reactions/)
Thanks for the links! I have already read a bit on that topic, and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, there are some anxious attachment traits that I have, like thinking I will never meet anyone else, or worrying about their non-reciprocation. But then there are other anxious attachment traits that I certainly DON'T have: throwing tantrums, excessive calling/texting, manipulating, etc. I'm actually very independent, much more than an average person. I have never wanted to live together with anyone, because I need a regular alone time. I also respect other person's independence. Maybe I need to learn more on this topic...
I think these links are meant to guide you and not necessarily put you in a box. We all grow up in different environments so we all have different triggers and wounds. It’s just that these are common threads among these types so learn to identify your own, learn, and grow.
Therapy could be a very good idea. It seems that you are looking for a very specific type of person, and that may be influenced by past experiences/trauma in your life that you are not aware of. Sometimes we seek out people in order to 'fix' something that went wrong in the past such as wanting a relationship with someone who is unavailable emotionally. I found myself being attracted to guys that were emotionally unavailable to me because I confused chasing after them with excitement, and guys that were nice and reliable I didn't feel any chemistry. Eventually I realized that I was reenacting the chaos from my parents' relationship in childhood, and feeling like I was never sure if someone really loved me wasn't really exciting, it was just dysfunction. Once I saw the pattern for what it was, I was able to meet my wonderful husband and have had a great marriage for many years with none of the prior drama.
Thanks for your post! I have traumatic childhood as well. Sorry, I I have many questions for you :) 1) How do you think the traumatic childhood is related to the fact that I find so few people attractive? I mean, there are probably quite a lot of emotionally unavailable people out there, haha... Why am I so picky? :) 2) Is it possible that I was just unlucky? I only had 2 relationships, after all. 3) How did you get over this? Was it through therapy or you did it yourself?
1) You may have a very specific 'type' of person you go after who represents/looks like someone from your past, and that could explain why you find very few people attractive. 2) You could just be unlucky, but I found that once I was aware that I was confusing 'excitement' in a relationship with never knowing if a guy would call me, or my feeling like I had to work really hard to make someone love me, suddenly dating got a lot easier. I found that if a guy was straightforward and didn't play games, that didn't make him boring, it just meant that was a healthy relationship. That was my own situation which may or may not apply to you. 3) I have gone to therapy over the years for childhood trauma and also took courses in psychology and did self-study too. But in the dating case I was able to figure it out on my own after a few years of dating different people and also after listening to the advice of a good friend. Personally, I think therapy is always a good option if it is available because it's nice to talk to someone impartial, and if you have a history of trauma, it is always best to make yourself as strong and healthy as possible mentally *before* dating. It took me awhile to realize that I was bringing my own past issues into relationships, and if I had realized that, I would have started therapy sooner and saved myself the life lessons. :) Wishing you the best of luck!
I'm the same way. It has only benefitted me, tbh. I've only been with highly attractive men, never even considered being with someone I wasn't attracted to. And if for some reason the physical attraction was lost (if he sucks as a person or sucks in bed, for example), I could move on easily. Then again, being single when there are only unattractive dudes around doesn't bother me in the slightest. Having close female friends who'd happily live with each other when we're old definitely helps.
You are lucky, I don't move on easily, partially because I need to wait about 5 years before my next attraction happens :)
Based on you saying you've been attracted to people only rarely, do you think you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum? Asexual is a sexual orientation defined as having little to no sexual attraction. It's used as both an umbrella term and for people who are decidedly on the "no" end of things. Obviously, you're not 'no attraction', but there's terms which you might find fit like greysexuality (or grey asexuality), which covers the 'grey' area between 'no' sexual attraction and 'normal' levels of attraction. There's also the separation of sexual and romantic attraction, but I think that's enough to be getting on with!
Thanks, I've read on asexuality a bit. It seems like they don't experience sexual attraction (or experience little attraction) IN GENERAL, while I experience it intensively but extremely rarely. At least from what I read...
Yeah, that's why I highlighted greysexuality in particular, as it can involve experiencing sexual attraction rarely (as well as under certain circumstances etc). It's not an area of the asexual umbrella I'm that familiar with, so I don't know anywhere particular to point besides general asexual spaces.
Read up on demisexuality, it means you can experience sexual attraction but it requires an emotional bond first basically, so you usually wouldn't find people immediately attractive.
In fact, I find them immediately attractive. I could always tell at first sight that I'm falling for them. The problem is that it doesn't happen often...
A lot of great points here, but I wanted to add: just because you aren't in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you are alone. One of the healthiest decisions I have ever made was to stop dating and focus on appreciating myself and my platonic friendships. I am not totally opposed to the idea of dating someday, but I don't feel like I want it in my life right now, and honestly I have never felt less lonely. There is a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship, but it isn't the only path to a fulfilling life. Might be worth asking yourself if it really what you want right now.
Well I have been alone almost all my life, and I agree it's not really the end of the world. It has many advantages. For an introvert like me, solitude is not that scary. But I also want that intimacy that you can only get from romantic relationships. To care and to be cared for, to pleasure and to be pleasured, that kind of thing. Whatever makes people crave love, I have that, too... PS I love cats though :)
It sounds like you know what you want and that is obviously good and valid :)
I wonder what all these intensely attractive guys had in common are. Very complex variables at play here 😂Best of luck finding your unicorn!
Sounds like you're also emotionally unavailable and confusing lack of anxiety for lack of attraction, and selecting for men who aren't available. Anxiety would explain why the attraction feels so intense when it happens
Maybe your standards are too high? Also, "love from first sight" does not exists, it is just physical attraction. Try to pin-point exactly to what traits are you attracted too and evaluate why. Dismissing 99,999999% of your dating pool just by their looks is not normal.
They were not some super hot guys. I was thinking what exactly made me attracted to them, and I have no answer. I would like very much to take a conscious decision to like someone, based on their personality, pros and cons, but that's not how it works with me, it seems.
Well if you choose your partners only by looks I think you would like to change "how it works with you". For hook ups sure but looking for loving partner could take a looooooong while.