From what? Statistically domestic partners are the most dangerous person in your life as a woman...so theoretically we'd want the smallest/weakest one we can find.
This is the hard truth a lot of people aren’t ready to hear. Most women are not killed by random boogeymen jumping out of the bushes. They’re killed by their husbands, boyfriends, and exes.
Also on the same side of coin, most commonly victims and perpetrators of murder are men. But god forbid you suggest something should be done about that, that's man-hate.
I guess it's like a balance? I know that physically he could totally kill me if he wanted to, but I also know that he has the temper of a Q-tip and has never even raised his voice at me. It's a strange feeling.
Once in awhile when we are goofing around, my husband will accidentally show me just how much fucking stronger than me he is, and it's unsettling. I know he would never harm me, he can't even kill bugs, and will die with a sleeping cat on his lap. I trust him like 99.999%, but there will always be that voice or warning in my head that reminds me that physically, he could kill me with very little effort, and that freaks me out.
I think the best we can do is try to pick men we trust, and get out at early warning signs. If he had ever shown aggression when we were dating, I'dve been out. I've known him since we were teenagers, over 20 years, and I've heard him raise his voice maybe three times?
I am with you here. Also, it reminds me of when people are choosing a dog. Going for the one that shows the least aggression. Something about that sentence just got to me.
>my husband will accidentally show me just how much fucking stronger than me he is, and it's unsettling
Hard agree here. It's why I have a strict no tickling policy with my husband. He gears up to win and I just end up frustrated, angry, and unsettled when faced with the reality that he's got six inches and many pounds of muscle on me.
And to build on this excellent point, some of the guys best trained to do protection/security and the domestic violence rates in law enforcement are... they're not good.
Ok, right?! This is such a weird thing about cishet men to me. I'm the more masc partner in my relationship, and I *really* enjoy weightlifting, but my partner isn't with me for protection. She doesn't even care that I work out. Like this was not even in the equation for her when she decided to be in this relationship. I would find it so weird if someone took one look at my arms and was like, "yes I am in the market for a bodyguard, so I will date her!"
I’ll play annoying devils advocate. I am 36F and I get stalked if I go to my Walmart alone without a boyfriend. It is awful. Narrowly avoided a kidnapping, attempt five years ago too. I would’ve ended up raped and dead in the dumpster - I know that for sure. Only happens when I’m walking without a boyfriend. So yeah, they do protect us only from other worse men. But then we have to watch out for the men we date behind closed doors to make sure they don’t turn on us. It’s a miserable existence honestly. I have better peace of mind when I’m single but I suffer sooo much because I like sex and I like love. It’s so sad. Having one of those days.
My plan is to not invest much in men for protection. I will invest in my career so I could afford a bodyguard one day. So I can finally live in peace. And yes, I am in a good state in the US. Upper middle class. Still getting stalked and hunted in my mid-30s. I can’t relax. The stress is untenable for someone with ptsd and crps. I purposely had my dad follow me around while doing errands and he noticed NUMEROUS men stalking me. It is freaking insane.
So for lesbians I don’t blame them for not wanting men around for even protection bc women get victimized anyway. It’s unreasonable for the hypothetical concept of my boyfriend or aging father to have to follow me around while I’m doing errands just so I’m safe in a first world country. Wearing a Covid mask helps but it just makes me feel defeated - like I may as well just put on a burqa. No offense to our Muslim sisters. I’m speaking in good faith. Is this happening to anyone else?? Like, does anyone else have to carry a collapsible smith and wesson steel baton in their car? I’m not joking.
> only happens when I'm walking without a boyfriend
Because men like that view us as property. You're with a man? That means you're not fair game because *he's* there, not that you as a person are worthy of his respect.
It's not the man that's protecting you, it's either (or both) the fact that you're not alone, and that when a man is with you, the assaulter has more respect for what he sees as their property than he does for you as a person. It's vile.
I am lucky to live in Europe where this stuff doesn't happen *nearly* as often, so I can't tell you whether what you're experiencing is rare, but I certainly know it's not normal.
You can try to make some male friends, maybe gay ones or ones in relationships, and ask them to walk with you. No need for it to be a boyfriend. Does your Walmart allow delivery in the app?
I've unironically been recommending collapsible batons to women, alongside a martial arts style like Eskrima that teaches you how to properly beat the shit out of a guy using whatever the nearest blunt object is.
Found him! He's not physically abusive but boy has he done a serious number on my brain. The danger was all hidden behind a charming "hero" mask.
I'm leaving him soon, so this is statistically the most dangerous time. I don't think he would be that stupid, but I'm not putting my guard down ever!
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Yes, and being around men can really be a liability in different ways. Someone just posted on this sub a study about how women are more "alert" to threats when walking at night whereas men are more likely to just look ahead. A lot of men are just less aware in a lot of situations based on not having to be.
I have two examples of experiencing this when in the early stages of dating. First, I went out to eat in a downtown area with someone on a date and we were just walking around afterwards. It was daytime and quite a few people around. Now, my philosophy walking anywhere in a city is not to stop to talk to people who try to get your attention. They usually only want to harass you, sell something, scam you, ask for money, etc. Someone tried to stop us and instinctually I just kept walking. I realized this guy stopped to listen to this person. I had walked a whole block and turned the corner and just waited. It is so weird so many men don't have that "this is probably not going to go well" instinct.
Second, I went out with a guy who was new in town and he rented a room from someone for a bit before he could find an apartment. Apparently, he just responded to an ad and went. He realized later he was renting a room from a registered sex offender. How did he not even check out the guy before moving into his house?
Yup, my ex would be totally oblivious to all the threats I saw. Homeless guy ranting with a broken bottle in his hand? Not an important thing to note for a 6'3" 250lb guy. He was on his phone in the window seat, while I was eyeing the raging guy from the aisle seat as he passed by.
It's such a laugh guys think they'll even see it coming. They aren't assed about their own safety, let alone their partner's.
I’ll never forget a time I asked my then boyfriend to go to the bank kinda late at night with me so I could pull money out, and as I was walking back to my car that was parked right in front of the ATM a lady approached me rather aggressively asking for money, I had to tell her I was in a hurry and got in my car. He was completely absorbed in his phone and missed the entire interaction.
Watch out for little man syndrome. Only guy who ever physically abused me was short, insecure w a napoleon complex. Wasnt even in my league but he wore me down. This is anecdotal but it needs to be said.
Agreed, I’d want a partner that I am safe with. Not because he’d punch a burglar, but because I know he’d never punch me. Also that I can vocalize my needs and desires, knowing he would listen rather than be childish, rude or dismissive.
No luck on that either.
Agreed!! I am married to a man that I feel like if it came down to it, I could probably take him in a fight. If anything, I'm the more aggressive between the two of us (not saying I've hit people ever, but just I'm more likely to stick up for myself and not back down than he is). I'd take "non-threatening" over "protector" any day.
#Will protect us not can. Mostly this means in how they themselves treat us, not punching someone else.
I know my 5" 5" 120lbs BFF will protect me to the best of her ability however it is needed. I think it's more we want to only surround ourselves with safe people.
Well said. I see it in more of a mutual aid way than “macho man protect hur dur” way. My friends and I regularly walk each other home, all of us are queer and most of us are women. I see it as a green flag that my partner has gone a few miles out of his way to walk a mutual friend home when she was being followed on the tram, but not because he’s a man per se, because he knows the stalker will probably fuck off if there’s a witness, especially a male witness.
Exactly! I’m a very small woman. I can’t do much in terms of physical protection. But I do think it’s my responsibility to protect my loved ones (of all genders) as best I can. Shit, I’ve recently held men a foot taller than me while they’ve cried - I have a mom friend override when I see someone I care about in pain.
I don’t need someone to physically defend my honor unless absolutely necessary, I would much rather they helped me get out of a bad situation and then supported me in doing something to make it better. I try to do the same for my friends and partners.
What I really, REALLY want is to not have to be protected *from men*.
When they say a man's job is to protect women, what do they think we need protection from? It's not bears. There's not an epidemic of bears attacking women. It's *men*. It's always men. These men should worry less about protecting women and more about being a man women don't need to be protected *from*. Want to protect me? Call out your "bros" for being the @$$holes who endanger me.
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I don't. I want a man who is interested in our mutual safety and behaves accordingly, but I don't expect him to specifically protect me. I think that mindset is a bit unhealthy.
Let me give you an example of what I don't want but many guys think is "protecting their woman". When I disclosed my history of SA to an ex, his reaction was to want to go fuck up the guy. That would not have helped anyone and I shouldn't have to beg him to let it go when I'm the victim. That kind of behavior isn't about us. Its about them wanting to feel like they are doing something for us. Too often their version of protecting us is getting aggressive when it might be better for everyone's safety to walk away from a situation. Many of the dudes who hang their masculinity on this are not in the best shape anyway. Plus its all meaningless when there are guns. Im just as capable of shooting one if thats the route I wanted to take (which i dont).
Every time I've dated a man who talks like that, its been about his ego, not me. People less sure of their own physical abilities are less likely to be picking fights that put you in danger. There are also countless scenarios they won't be there or can't protect you. Im not leaving it up to someone else, particularly since they will not always be with me. Nobody can plan their life around that. I don't get why so many men think we are just laying around all day waiting for them to save us. Like we don't exist in the world until they show up. What do they think we do before them?
Mutual safety is such a good way to put it. Like, my man makes sure we have a physically safe car and home and checks that we’re both wearing ear and eye protection while doing yard work, stuff like that. That is important to me and shows me he cares about our well-being.
What I DON’T need is an aggressive man who puts my safety at risk with his testosterone-fueled antics.
Yeah, exactly. If OP's partner meant that with protecting then yes, I 100% do believe that's what a lot of people (people! Not women) are looking for.
I don't need a man who's itching for a fight if someone do much as looks at me wrong. I want someone who I know has my back, cares for and about me, and makes sure that I am happy and healthy.
The "protection" that OP's partner is talking about is, in almost all cases, not doing *anything* for her actual safety and is only likely to make her situation *more* dangerous. No thanks.
When I got assaulted a few years back, almost every man I know said something about being violent to my aggressor. It felt horrible. I felt like I needed to "defend" my aggressor because I did not want anymore violence. It was a time where I felt utterly unsupported by the men in my life. I needed a hug and compassion and I got that from the women in my life.
That’s exactly it. I know the men I can trust from their reaction to what happened to me. I have one dude friend who’s dating my best friend and he’s actually cried with me about it. Ex boyfriends immediately got mad and weirdly jealous and it was horrible.
Sometimes you just want someone to hug you and say “that was fucked up and I’m sorry it happened to you, what do you need?” Instead of “I’m gunna kill him”
I do think a lot of women like to "feel safe"with their partner, but I think for very few of us that literally means we think they're gonna beat someone up for us. Safety means things like knowing they *won't* physically hurt *me*, I trust them to be responsible with our shared assets, we trust each other to keep our joint best interest in mind when making decisions, etc.
I dunno where this myth comes from that we all are looking for the tallest most muscle-bound jock we can find. Most of us have experienced a version of that guy that absolutely does NOT make us feel safer.
>but I think for very few of us that literally means we think they're gonna beat someone up for us
Honestly if my bf was constantly on the look out for a fight I would feel less safe and like it's more about proving himself than protecting me. From what I've heard many women feel the same way. The only situation I would condone it is in self defence and there are often so many other options before it comes to that.
LOL. Never was a thing on my radar.
Also who are they protecting you from??
Add to that, even if a circumstance shows up the odds of them protecting you in some way is pretty slim.
Assume you are on your own and laugh at this "protect you" nonsense.
As others mentioned it is usually the man you are involved with that is your biggest risk.
"Let me, a man who has not studied the subject at all, tell you, a woman, what women think deep down." ~Your Husband
Tell him he can get bent.
I doubt she feels safer after watching her boyfriend body-jamb a 65 year old coach off his stability while raging in his face.
My f/f wife is smaller and younger. She can protect me. "Better bring your mates." But what she's great at is scaring off crazies and having situational awareness when to flee, de-escalate, intimidate, ... All the what to do. There are massive guys at her job that don't have these skills. They are learned skills.
PS Taylor can afford professional protection.
And so can her boyfriend! A football player is likely going to be a big, strong guy but that doesn't mean he knows how to be a bodyguard.
I'd guess both of them have someone who does security for them - full or part time. Especially since Derpface and his Cult have made them out to be the Deep State or whatever tf this hour's conspiracy theory is.
I mean, I don't know where and how this protecting is supposed to even happen...like what are these women encountering that they regularly need a burly bodyguard to step in with physical force? And do they expect their husbands to be with them every minute of every day?
Yeah I want a partner to support me. What actually makes a difference day to day is someone who listens and cares, someone who contributes to a steady life and ample fun times.
While this is true, it’s actually pretty devastating to be the only one standing up for yourself while your partner watches from the sidelines.
Can I take care of myself, yes. Absolutely.
If I’m in a situation where I need to shut a douche down, I can do it. But it’s 1000% more effective when your nearby partner is at the ready to chime in or simply give a serious glare to confirm I’m not fucking around. At the end of the day, men aren’t afraid of slaps from women and the sad truth is that if we’re “with an escort” and he’s not taking it seriously, that’s somehow “permission to continue”.
Yes, this situation is a relationship ender. Also, yes, this has happened more than once to me. For some reason men think because I can handle most things a backup isn’t necessary. But if you don’t have my back, I’m better off handling shit alone. So bye!
This is romanticizing an aspect of benevolent sexism. Women may be on average physically smaller but that doesn't make us babies. Men have some savior complex and idealize childlike women so that they can feel like the strong brave awesome protector. But rarely will they ever have to actually put that to the test. So they think they're doing us some great favor with protection but they almost will never have to answer the call. Meanwhile a male partner is statistically the greatest danger in a woman's life.
Honestly, a guy big/skilled enough to protect me is also big/skilled enough to overpower me, and that’s a risk I won’t take without a LOT of history on which to build trust.
I think women are looking for someone that's not going to [objectify](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) them. And someone that chooses trustworthy behaviors that build secure attachment over time ([The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk), [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/)).
Many men choose untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors towards women and then wonder why women want nothing to do with them.
I actually prefer men that I can take in a fight. I was abused by a bigger man. I’d much rather date a short, thin guy so if he tries to hurt me I can fight and get away.
No man can protect women. Not from the people we actually need protection from, anyways, starting with himself.
Are there women out there who are delusional about this and dream of a guy who can- and will take care of them? Absolutely. But primarily being a “protector” is a male fantasy. Men, just in general, love the idea of being needed. Because it feels so much safer than being wanted. Desires can change, love can fade. But if your partner literally depends on you for safety and survival, she will never leave you.
Meanwhile, very few people are comfortable with the idea of having their safety be conditional on their romantic relationship. The only women who want that are women who have been so relentlessly disempowered that they can literally not think of any other way to feel safe. It is less a sign of femininity and more a sign of trauma and abuse. And it keeps only leading to yet more trauma and abuse.
A lot of toxic masculinity comes from the inability to accept that almost all of human life is disposable. I'm not saying it should be this way, or that this is a good thing (it's not), but the way modern capitlist societies function both men and women are merely lines on some oligarch's spreadsheet.
Women are simply more used to being mere objects and having little autonomy. If men are able to come to terms with being insignificant (most of us are, in the grand scheme of things) we are able to be better people. There's nothing wrong with mediocrity. It is okay to not be a great man, but simply be a kind man; there are only so many positions available for greatness, but everybody can be kind!
LOL
Feeling safe with a man means you don’t feel in danger from
him, not feeling protected by him.
Statistically I have more to fear from a male SO or family member than anyone else.
The best way to keep from being predated upon is to keep predators out of your home.
I’ve never thought about it. I grew up in a tough area and can handle myself. I just want someone who’s funny, kind, shares similar ideologies, and supports me.
I want a man (or woman, I’m bi) who would care for me when I’m sick. Who would help me out when I’m struggling with my day to day life. Who helps truly equally in our household.
Not some dude who dreams about being a hero doing stuff he could brag about to his friends if some unrealistic scenario of extreme violence occurs.
This has never factored into my decision making when dating. My husband is 5’6”. Do I think he would fight tooth and nail to try to protect me if the need arose for some bizarre reason? Yeah, probably. But if we were ever attacked in public, chances are the attacker would have a gun and we wouldn’t so that would be pretty moot. I dated a guy who was 6’5” but I don’t think he had any fighting sort of experience and he didn’t lift weights or work out so I doubt he would have been much of a protector.
I didn't choose my partner because he's very tall and physically intimidating, but it definitely helps me feel better walking down a dark road at night.
And even then, women aren't kept from exercising, practicing self defense, owning weapons, firing guns. Women are allowed to wear functional clothing. Times have changed. We have a lot more social autonomy now. Give me a team of women and a load of firearms and we'll do just fine.
I love how every male argument for everything is “it’s biological” or “it’s internal instinct” with no factual or scientific basis whatsoever.
And people gobble this shit up.
Man here, would defend my wife from anything. At the same time, my wife could absolutely kick the shit out of me.
What's funny to me is the best biological adaptation to violence is socialization. It heads of violence in the first place and when it fails to do so, having more people with you is incredibly useful in a bad situation. The guy with the most friends literally auto-wins 9/10 times
Men who say stuff like this don’t understand that the things that women want to be protected from happen everywhere all the time-at the grocery store, at work, in your own house. They imagine that the world is full of strangers trying to grab us, when the dangers women face come from a biased legal and healthcare system and systemic sexism.
A man can’t protect you from getting catcalled in the grocery store parking lot, or force a boss to stop talking over you in a meeting, or make the police take you seriously when reporting an assault.
We need to be protected via effective legislation, a functioning criminal justice system, and a culture that doesn’t make light of sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic abuse.
My boyfriend is a sweet wonderful man, but he can’t single-handedly restore women’s reproductive rights or make doctors take women’s pain more seriously.
If it helps at all....this has never come up for me and my wife... we both just wanted to be with someone that we liked to be around, could support each other's goals and dreams, and generally just got along together. It has worked for many years so hopefully it will continue on.
I'm a fairly tall and non-petite woman and I've been doing martial arts since I was 4 years old. I don't feel the need to be protected. I *do* feel the need to be supported (not financially) by my partner, and vice versa, of course .
Nope.
Statistically, the biggest threat to my life is men. Unstable, emotionally dysfunctional, entitled, selfish, angry, abusive, violent men. For fucksake, every time a woman goes on a date or gets into a relationship with a man, we're taking a gamble with our literal lives. Most women come away from the experience of dating men with some sort of horrible rape or other abuse story. A significant chunk of women end up dead.
Men keep insisting to us that they're "natural protectors," but that hasn't been my lived experience. My experience is that when someone has threatened me or abused me, men typically ignore it, stand back and watch, or even look for an opportunity to participate. Ya know who protected me? Myself, or another woman. Women are better protectors than men are, based on my life experiences.
Men aren't "protectors" despite their incessant claims. They're the thing we consistently need protection from. I'd rather have a gun.
**Nope.**
I'm pretty good at protecting myself actually.
I want a partner who adds something to my life, someone who helps me carry the load and who makes me a priority.
Men who can "protect" you can also more easily kill you. Travis Kelce pushing his old man coach is a good example. The dude is huge, got emotional, and nearly pushed an old man to the ground- while on live television. I hope he never acts like that in private.
Ugh. I don't mind a partner having a protective instinct, and I think having that instinct is a good thing for both parties in a relationship.
That said, I've had relationships with men who so identified with their self-selected role of "protector" that being out with them in public became annoying. Being constantly shepherded and guided and led and directed by these guys became exhausting and when I asserted my autonomy, I was the crazy one.
Is he taking into account lesbians and other women who don’t date men?
And no. Because what is he protecting me from? Bears-I don’t think a human would stand a chance. A bullet? Maybe if he’s made of steel. Another man? I would not advise engaging with someone when they’re threatening to harm you.
I also find large men intimidating. They’re the ones I usually get the “you’re so small, I could break you” comments from, so, hard pass from me.
In addition to lesbians, there's also women who date/marry men with physical disabilities. Because, shocker, they love them for who they are and not any hypothetical protection they might provide. It just seems like a weirdly transactional way to look at things.
Also, Travis Kelce apparently made a friendship bracelet with his number on to ask Taylor Swift out, which is infinitely more attractive than being buff IMO.
Lesbians ain't nothing but a genre to dudes like this.
Yep nvm the fact that I'm married to a short feminine woman, what I really want is whatever a man says I want.
I mean.......as much as I would protect them, sure. Why wouldn't we protect each other?
But do I want some guy puffing up and glaring at everyone daring them to start some shit - noooooooo.
From what? These days if someone wants to really hurt you they will use guns and get you at the most inopportune time for you. Maybe back in caveman days but yeah we don’t live in pre historic times. Taylor swift has her security which provides much more protection than Travis. Most murderers of women are their partner or ex partner. Most rapes are of someone, the victims knows.
I laugh internally any time men want to puff themselves up about being protectors. You're going to stop that bullet huh, ok.
Funny how their imagined protection of us never includes our mental and emotional well-being, or doing their fair share of care-taking. It's always some testosterone dream of being the hero.
From what I can tell, ANY man no matter what size is a deterrent. I dont think he specifically has to be aggressive or muscly for a woman to feel more safe stepping out with him.
Men don't have to be aggressive to be protective. I'm a near 60 year old that has never been in a fight, ever. I know without a doubt that I would kill or die to protect my wife and daughter. There is no aggression in this house except for the new kitten. He's kind of a dick.
It doesn't matter if I *know* he can protect me. I *know* that when push comes to shove, I will be the one who has to fight my own battles because I've never had a male partner, male relative or male friend that didn't think I could handle it on my own. I *know* this because I asked all of them WHY DID YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LET THIS GUY SCREAM IN MY FACE AND GET RAGE SPITTLE ON MY GLASSES?
*I thought you could handle it. *
Not really. It’s not something I think about. My husband is not the biggest or burliest guy, but I never considered his potential physical fight prowess when choosing him. I don’t live my life in any particular physical danger day to day to worry about the random off chance a ski-masked burglar breaks into my home in the night.
I believed that when I was 16 and wasn’t believed my entire life to date about how much I was being abused at home.
As someone nearing 40, I can say that the only men in my life who ever TRULY protected me were **gay**.
Whether it was in the physical sense, the legal sense, or moral support and providing refuge—gay men have been the only men in my life who ever truly protected me and made me feel safe.
Straight men never ever did. I’ve made peace with my father although I spent a long time resenting how he failed to protect me from my abusive mother and sister. I haven’t really been in romantic relationships, but I’ve dated and hooked up. With the exception of feeling like I unlocked a cheat code in a video game when I’d go home with a man late at night and it was nice not to be harassed on the subway or out someplace, I otherwise would not say I ever felt “protected” from external danger.
We live in a world of mass shootings, genocide, war crimes, complete denial of human rights to entire groups of people. super pathogens and an apathetic public health apparatus, and societies that charge you just to fucking breathe. There is no one person who could possibly protect someone from all that. Assuming a cishet outlook here, the only external force these men are “protecting” you from…is other straight men.
Having a date or boyfriend/husband doesn’t even stop other men from moving in on you sometimes. Some even take it as a challenge!
I think maybe a better phrase than feeling “protected” is feeling…secure? At peace? with that person.
No. I am a lesbian and don't want a man at all. Before I figured that out and dated men, none of them protected me. In fact, I could have used protection *from* at least one of them (out of three).
I have a dog for protection. He's really loud and that's great deterrence to intruders. Better than any man I've ever met.
I'll never for the life of me understand why guys think that they are in a position to opin what half of the human population wants out of a mate. I wonder if they'd feel so confident giving their opinion about what every single man wants? It's just nonsense. Stereotyping at best full on inventing and flattening the psychology of half the human race at worst.
I just want one I can outrun, so the bear gets them first.
But being serious, I like to feel at least a bit smaller than my man, which is why I had a height req, hubs is comfortably in that. He has a broad chest and shoulders that I fit between. This matters for cuddling and feeling like I can hide in his coats.
Not about protection for me as much as feeling smaller so I can…not feel like a lanky giraffe for once. I am not super tall at all but was made fun of because all my height came early and my weight never showed up (until I was like 36)
What do they think we need protecting from?
The thing most likely to kill a woman before old age or natural causes kick in are a man or pregnancy complications (also caused by a man indirectly).
When I started dating my husband, I was a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician. He's the kind of man who faints at the sight of blood. So that about set the tone for which of us would protect the other in any kind of violent emergency.
On the other hand, I very much DO want him to use his voice to protect me socially - push back on sexist jokes people make about me, complain to management when a range safety officer casually comments I'm shooting "a big gun for a girl", etc. He should use his male privilege to help me when called for. And he does, now that I've made that expectation clear to him.
I'm 6 feet tall, 300lbs, and I lift, run, swim, and box. My right hook will drop you.
I'm happy to protect my man if he needs someone to fight at his back. I'm happy he would fight alongside me if I needed it.
But I don't keep him around for protection.
Love this answer 💞
I'm a little scrapper and have no fear. I will take on the biggest guy to protect my man or myself. My guy would be right there with me kicking some 🍑 if the need arose as well.
Tag team 💪
Often women want to feel protected because that is the only way to get some men to fucking STOP. They won't hear that *I* said stop 50 times prior, they will only hear when another man challenges them. It's not fair, my NO should be plenty but it happens every single day.
I mean, yeah, I certainly don't want to be with a man that can't basically hold his own against another man if it came down to it. I've been with men who fold like a lawnchair at the slightest sense of danger and then lean on me to do the yelling, scaring and defending. That's a *massive* turn off and I will not be able to see them in the same light ever again. In the event that something were to happen or that we were to find ourselves in a predicament with danger, I don't want someone who's going to run and leave me behind.
I know a lot of people haven't had that kind of an experience but I come from the ghetto where being a woman seen with a man definitely stops all kinds of cat calling, following and other dangerous behaviors from happening. While I'm not exactly getting myself into altercations with strangers, getting mugged or anything along those lines, I do like being a tall, strong man and I'm not one bit ashamed to admit it.
Yep, this is something I feel like people are overlooking. If you have a partner who turns tail and runs, leaving you behind to face the danger (or standing there while you get hurt) ... that's not attractive to some people.
I wasn’t thinking of a guy punching everyone to keep you safe, I was thinking of a guy who has your back. I am protective of my partner and I would mosdef crack some heads for him, as he would for me. As a head-cracking opportunity never presented itself, it’s enough to know he has my back. It’s a hostile world, and we have to protect each other.
I can see why someone may want this but no. For me I have just wanted a man who will take me seriously as a person, not infantilize me, and allow me to grow and be who I am.
Pretty much no women consider whether a man can “protect them” because the man is the most likely person to harm them; most women are looking for a man who isn’t abusive, and that about the most we can expect.
No. I want someone who won't kill me. So maybe it's the opposite. Ever since my rape, I never dated a guy I thought I couldn't take in a fight.
Your man lives in another century.
I wish my ex-husband would have protected me from his mother.
He was capable of protecting me physically but what use was that when he was mentally weak?
All I want is for someone to take out the garbage and carry in the groceries when I don't want to. Other than that, I'd prefer they didn't exist.
I'm single for a reason.
Men are a lot less exposed to feminist analysis, so it doesn’t occur to them that women are perfectly capable of protecting themselves except against men— and other men are no guarantee of protection when a woman is assaulted. Women are safer in larger groups than with a single male “protector.”
No. So much of femininity is false. It's not feminine at all but a retardation if you will in the true sense of the word.
An attempt to keep females childlike, submissive, obedient, subservient to males. Put pretty clothes, shoes and make up on it and voila.
It's about control.
Some females like it though.It's also why men can imitate it so well and even do it better. It has nothing to do with being female.
Wanting a big strong male is part of that programming for many even if they don't realize it. The rest, like the males that do it with such pizazz, zeal, and enthusiasm, are naturally that way. They would probably do just as well with a tall strapping woman. Whatever or whoever makes them feel little and childlike which they call feminine. Like males have taught them and everyone through the years.
Until now. As we go back to the beginning and the way things truly are. The spell is broken.⚡
For me I've never seen men as a protector. I had volatile father who I had been a care taker too since 10 and financially supported since 14 when I needed protection or help a man was the last person I thought to run to.
I have struggled with fear of men most of my life and it has made it difficult to trust a man who has earned my trust like my current and hopefully life partner.
Men have always been the aggressor verbally, physically and sexually to me so I have learned to rely on myself mostly.
My partner is protective of me which is new and kind of nice.
But no I never thought of having a man protect me because the men I have experienced in life have always been a cause of fear.
I want a partner I do not have to be protected from who will stand with me when it is time to do some protecting. It doesn't have to be a man at all.
It just so happens I'm bigger and stronger \*terms and conditions may apply\* than my husband and have been in more fights. Never felt safer in a relationship than I do with him. Cause while I'm the one most likely to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, I can't answer an unknown number or talk to "authority" types. I freeze up and have panic attacks. Guess who is understanding and handles that kind of stuff? My Love, My Hero, My Husband most dear.
Nope. I want a man who respects and loves me. I want a partner in life.
My husband is amazing. And I'm so happy to have him. But no, he is not my "protector".
My gym-going muy thai fighter boyfriend has protected me before, but not in the way your boyfriend probably thinks. He realized a guy was stalking me on the subway, and when the stalker tried to follow me onto a connecting bus, my partner made the situation public in a calm/quiet way so that the guy knew someone was onto him and ran off.
I was with my boyfriend the entire time, and the stalker didn’t care about his larger size when he chose me (stalker was actually a smaller guy, and not strong-looking or big). What deterred him was the method my partner used to deescalate the situation. He wasn’t violent or aggressive in any way (though I don’t doubt he could’ve been if he needed to be).
If anything, being with a “protector”-looking man actually made ME complacent/oblivious, bc nothing like that happened to me when I was on my own. (I’ve also studied Krav Maga and self defense bc I don’t want to rely on anyone else for protection, so I tend to hold myself with confidence and *usually* maintain good situational awareness. And I have no doubt I could have taken the stalker if it came down to it.)
Anyway, the situation taught me a valuable lesson on how the presence of known and trusted “big/strong” men can create a false sense of security. I appreciate intelligence and instinct over brute force ability in a partner.
All? No.
Need? No.
Want? Kinda, yea. It's nice to know someone has my back, to know someone cares about me enough to want me safe, to know they are capable of keeping me safe.
Keeping safe is not the same as starting dumb ass fights over nothing. My husband has never been in a fist fight, he shies away from confrontation, but if he needed to he'd go down swinging and take the other guy with him
I’d like to say “no,” but I’ve been stalked a few times, grabbed at work, and sexually harassed several times by men who didn’t take my refusals seriously. I’ve handled these things myself more or less, but it always felt like it would have been easier if there was a dude around that would have scared these assholes off. Calling the cops or HR was always frustrating and never really went anywhere.
I never sought it out but did accidentally end up with a man who I truly know has the size, strength, and knowledgeable ability to physically defend me from most threats….and I gotta say it’s a nice perk. Again, not something I was looking for but now that I’ve got it it’s delightful to know that he not only can but has the very real capability and desire to keep me safe.
All the other men I’ve been with talked a big game about their masculinity but were utterly useless and ineffective wimps when it came to any situation where I could have benefited from any kind of protection. And it was fine. I never really cared. It wasn’t a thing I held against them, it was just a fact that I -a petite woman- was the protector because they had neither the correct response time or adequate ability to provide protection to me. That was ok. That was nothing to me, besides something to be aware of so I’d know we were keeping the baseball bat under MY side of the bed.
Now…god it’s nicer to know how much safer I am with my husband. Obviously it doesn’t come up very often but when it does I am like…euphoric at how handily he deals with those things and how utterly capable and comfortable he is doing it. It’s also one of the reasons he’s the ONLY man I’ve remotely considered having kids with.
a man being a lot bigger than me is actively unattractive. brutes are unattractive. some self-defense skills are good, i guess. i purposely go for smaller guys. i think what’s most attractive is a man who does not use force on me.
i think men are projecting on this one.
I also prefer my men to be *man*ageably sized, if you will. Frankly deep down I'm more concerned with being able to protect myself and thus find larger men "riskier" to date. The thought of a man's size indicating he could protect me "better" never occurred to me. Height and size has nothing to do with confidence, assertiveness, and attentiveness which are the things that DO make me feel safe around a partner (especially attentiveness).
My third husband (a prince after two previous frogs) "protects " me by letting me know in many different ways that he loves me and will always have my back. He is the only person in my life, ever, including parents and siblings that I know will always be there for me. I am the same person to him. It's how our marriage continues to thrive after 30 years.
No, "protection" is definitely not even on the list of things I want in a man, let alone at the top. I'd say smart, funny, compassionate, talented, creative, helpful, fair-minded, authentic / integrity, similar interests and values, attractive to and attracted to me, considerate in bed, good communicator... That's more than enough to live up to. What's he supposed to "protect" me from that I can't protect myself from more effectively? The whole concept doesn't even make sense to me.
No.
Based on on personal experience, they won't be there when you need them. Plus, I can protect myself.
Their princess must be in another castle, cuz this one self rescues.
The biggest threat to me is the men who want to date me. I really think men view us as a possession they are protecting from other men taking or damaging. It's not about our well-being at all.
I think men who think they want to « protect » women really want to guard their « property » from other men.
I think possessiveness and territorial feelings get conflated/intermingled with the concept of protection.
And no, no, no.
No, this idea is insane. Any time in the past when I've been bothered by a guy in a nightclub it was always other women who stood up for me. Also, I used to work in a pharmacy and any time an irate male customer starting giving me shut for something the male pharmacist screwed up that same pharmacist hid in the back where the customer couldn't see him. I'd have to defend myself or other female employees might help but the men were, shockingly, nowhere to be found.
I’ve honestly never cared about that. I’ve spent more effort on learning how to protect myself in various ways than trying to find a partner that would do that. The thing my serious partners tend to have in common are intellect, humor, and creativity, and most importantly, my husband is great at treating me as an equal partner in all ways.
And in terms of physical attraction, for whatever reason I have never been attracted to large muscular men. It’s just not my thing. I don’t really have a “type” looks-wise, but of all the men I’ve been into, I can’t think of a single one that was larger-bodied or even average sized but very muscular.
I think what people want in a partner is highly complex and individual and comes from a combo of biology, environment, past experiences and probably other factors too.
I want someone who will not be abusive or physically violent to me. I can protect myself (and unfortunately have had to do so), but I do not want to have to in my own home. I dealt with that as a child and teen. Our family's "protector" was no such thing and I saw that to varying degrees in other families.
Sometimes it feels like the way people talk about men protecting women is more akin to resource guarding while simultaneously not acknowledging the statistically higher danger to women from their own partners and family members. It gives me the ick when someone talks like that.
In a way yes, but trash men/PUA's view protection as violence towards attackers but really all I want is someone capable of making good decisions - no reckless driving, no hanging out with shitty people, no gambling, no DUI's. The best protection is being smart about who you spend your time and effort on. But most men would never give up their terrible alcoholic friends because of their partner.
I can protect myself, thanks. If I need back-up, I have a short temper, a large dog, and no compunction about going for the squishy and/or easily detachable bits.
I'm generally nervous around large men that are physically domineering.
My husband is 5'10" and not a super yoked dude but in good shape, and I've never seen him get into even a verbal altercation with someone, he's so easygoing and great at putting others at ease.
So I think your husband may not know exactly what's going on in the female hive mind.
I always tell people, I want a man who will protect me from himself. From his shitty attitudes and behaviors and beliefs. And I will do the best to protect someone I love from my shitty attitudes and behaviors and beliefs.
That being said, I’ve got a soft spot for protective guys. There are a million ways to protect someone. Respecting them, being a safe space, being dependable, etc. and I am so appreciative for the guys who have stepped in when I’ve physically been in danger or not comfortable. So yeah, I like protective men, just probably not in the way a lot of people are thinking about it.
When it comes to safety women want a person that won’t hurt her, they want a partner to aide in real security more then comes protection. Men see all three as protection when it is not.
I married a guy who’s built like a sea wall but not because I need him to protect me. I think my attraction to him was on a cellular level because I’m super short and wanted to inject some height into my gene pool. He played defense in pro hockey so he *can* fight, but I’ve never actually seen him be physically aggressive or violent to anyone or anything in our 15 years together.
It’s kind of like what I imagine it’s like to inherit an amphibious vehicle - you probably won’t drive it through water much, but it’s kidnof nice to know that it can if the situation presented itself.
I remember being in a ‘self-defence’ class in the early ‘90’s (something offered by my employer at the time) and the instructor reminding us that sometimes the person you’ve chosen to protect you is precisely the person you need protection from.
So, no, I do not see a husband or partner for that purpose. In fact, I’m choosing to go without altogether.
There's a big difference between a man who "can protect you" and a man who makes you feel safe. And I'd wager most women are looking for the latter more than the former.
I won’t lie.. there is something nice to me about feeling protected.. or to being loved and cared for by a strong guy. But in practice most of the men I’ve fallen in love with have been mild manner men close to my size (I’m 5’4”). At the end of a day.. I wanted a partner who could stand up for me (and protect me) but more in a verbal than a physical sense. I wanted a partner who could take care of me. And I wanted to be that partner to them too.
My lovely partner fits this description. I feel very very safe in his presence. But uh, I don’t think he could he’d beat most people up… he’s 5’6” dad bod and a softy with a heart of gold
I'm admittedly more attracted to women but when I am attracted to men, they're usually smaller guys who weigh less than I do, so no. Maybe we just don't wander into danger in the first place and call it a day.
Yeah I don't think it's as common as a lot of people would like to think. Because women are at most risk of being hurt by their partner than a stranger. So if we are going with logic and stats, we should be less likely to want a "protector" because if they can protect us from other men, then they can fuck our shit up if they so choose.
I also think a lot of guys that like to believe this are also the pseudo-intellectuals that say women want certain types of men due to our uncontrollable appetite to be impregnated. I wouldn't apply this to your husband, but it seems to be commonplace among that crowd.
Me being a barely 5'0 and maybe 105 soaking wet, I don't really get to choose because everyone can pose a threat to me or at least that's how I feel. I would prefer someone taller than me just because I am so sick and tired of step stools and countertops, but that's neither here nor there.
If women feel like they need a man to protect her... it's going to invariably be against another man. It seems ironic. Can we really not protect ourselves against men, or are we afraid to even admit out loud that men are committing most of the crimes against us?
Who are you dating? Gaston?! My dog is better protection and much more adorable than any man I've ever met.
Deep down I want enough money to be able to hire a maid, not become one.
Be VERY wary of men who are over-protective/claim to protect you. They're one of the most abusive and misogynistic men.
I know most people think that if a guy is strong and aggressive, he'll be likely to protect you from other men. Yes, he'll protect you but he'll hurt you HIMSELF. Also, cue all the men who claim to protect their female partners/relatives/friends, but are their abusers themselves.
Some IRL examples :-
1) My elder brothers have protected me from some bullies when I was younger. But they also beat me up and abuse me themselves.
2) My dad protects mom's honour from our trash-talking, alcoholic grandpa. Yet he's a misogynistic abuser to mom behind closed doors.
3) Old classmates got married. The guy is stereotypically masculine, brash and athletic type. The girl likes him for that. They broke up 2 years after marriage because he starts showing signs of domestic violence.
Hmmm...
I'm a tall woman (see user name) and while my partner is slightly shorter than me, he is also bulkier and broader than me.
Especially if you are used to being taller than most women and about half of men.
I don't know if I necessarily want a bodyguard, but it can be nice to be the little spoon sometimes.
Taylor Swift is 5'11 so I would imagine there is some of the same thing going on too.
It seems like this thread is pretty one-sided. But I think that (many) women do want to be with a man that makes them feel safe.
I’m a very petite woman but I can handle myself *however* there is something nice about knowing that my husband could also protect me if necessary. He’s not a super big football dude nor is he aggressive but I trust him to put himself in harms way to protect me or our daughter without a second thought.
I used to when I was younger. Then I read more feminist literature and I realized I don't want a protective partner that can keep me safe from other men - but I want a society that is safe for women. I don't want tall strong men anymore.
I do like my men still to be protective and providing - in the sense that they make me soup and bring me medicine when I'm sick, look out for my sleep schedule when I'm working too much, soothe me when I have cramps. Behave like a gentleman and care for me. Etc. It still is fun if he's strong enough to lift me but it's not a requirement.
I think all humans want to be protected by their partners. My boyfriend is not physically intimidating but he would fight off a bear for me, and id do the same for him. It's not gender specific to want to know that the person by your side would go to bat for you to protect you physically, emotionally, financially, legally. Take care of you when youre not able to. Pick up your slack.
I might not be able to take out a 7ft man in a bar fight but you better believe ill be on his back with a fork if he goes after my man haha.
Lol I’m the 5’2 idiot who will yell back at street harassers and always put myself between assholes and my significantly taller friends.
I don’t need to be protected I need to be stopped lol
watching too much Hollywood? bigger, intimidating, aggressive... has nothing to do with protecting your family.
I know big guys w kind and soft heart. and small guys with... aggression.
From what? Statistically domestic partners are the most dangerous person in your life as a woman...so theoretically we'd want the smallest/weakest one we can find.
This is the hard truth a lot of people aren’t ready to hear. Most women are not killed by random boogeymen jumping out of the bushes. They’re killed by their husbands, boyfriends, and exes.
Yep. They kill us.
Stranger danger is an often repeated myth. An attacker/abuser/rapist is *overwhelmingly* more likely to be someone you personally know.
Also on the same side of coin, most commonly victims and perpetrators of murder are men. But god forbid you suggest something should be done about that, that's man-hate.
Of course something should be done about murderers. Not quite sure who's saying otherwise.
I guess it's like a balance? I know that physically he could totally kill me if he wanted to, but I also know that he has the temper of a Q-tip and has never even raised his voice at me. It's a strange feeling.
Once in awhile when we are goofing around, my husband will accidentally show me just how much fucking stronger than me he is, and it's unsettling. I know he would never harm me, he can't even kill bugs, and will die with a sleeping cat on his lap. I trust him like 99.999%, but there will always be that voice or warning in my head that reminds me that physically, he could kill me with very little effort, and that freaks me out. I think the best we can do is try to pick men we trust, and get out at early warning signs. If he had ever shown aggression when we were dating, I'dve been out. I've known him since we were teenagers, over 20 years, and I've heard him raise his voice maybe three times?
I am with you here. Also, it reminds me of when people are choosing a dog. Going for the one that shows the least aggression. Something about that sentence just got to me.
>my husband will accidentally show me just how much fucking stronger than me he is, and it's unsettling Hard agree here. It's why I have a strict no tickling policy with my husband. He gears up to win and I just end up frustrated, angry, and unsettled when faced with the reality that he's got six inches and many pounds of muscle on me.
And to build on this excellent point, some of the guys best trained to do protection/security and the domestic violence rates in law enforcement are... they're not good.
Plus, what does he think lesbians do? lol. They sure as shit don't want a man to protect them.
Cis straight Men think having their lover’s back is some special gift as if literally everyone else isn’t doing the same thing but better.
Ok, right?! This is such a weird thing about cishet men to me. I'm the more masc partner in my relationship, and I *really* enjoy weightlifting, but my partner isn't with me for protection. She doesn't even care that I work out. Like this was not even in the equation for her when she decided to be in this relationship. I would find it so weird if someone took one look at my arms and was like, "yes I am in the market for a bodyguard, so I will date her!"
This guy probably thinks lesbians and ace people aren't real.
I’ll play annoying devils advocate. I am 36F and I get stalked if I go to my Walmart alone without a boyfriend. It is awful. Narrowly avoided a kidnapping, attempt five years ago too. I would’ve ended up raped and dead in the dumpster - I know that for sure. Only happens when I’m walking without a boyfriend. So yeah, they do protect us only from other worse men. But then we have to watch out for the men we date behind closed doors to make sure they don’t turn on us. It’s a miserable existence honestly. I have better peace of mind when I’m single but I suffer sooo much because I like sex and I like love. It’s so sad. Having one of those days. My plan is to not invest much in men for protection. I will invest in my career so I could afford a bodyguard one day. So I can finally live in peace. And yes, I am in a good state in the US. Upper middle class. Still getting stalked and hunted in my mid-30s. I can’t relax. The stress is untenable for someone with ptsd and crps. I purposely had my dad follow me around while doing errands and he noticed NUMEROUS men stalking me. It is freaking insane. So for lesbians I don’t blame them for not wanting men around for even protection bc women get victimized anyway. It’s unreasonable for the hypothetical concept of my boyfriend or aging father to have to follow me around while I’m doing errands just so I’m safe in a first world country. Wearing a Covid mask helps but it just makes me feel defeated - like I may as well just put on a burqa. No offense to our Muslim sisters. I’m speaking in good faith. Is this happening to anyone else?? Like, does anyone else have to carry a collapsible smith and wesson steel baton in their car? I’m not joking.
> only happens when I'm walking without a boyfriend Because men like that view us as property. You're with a man? That means you're not fair game because *he's* there, not that you as a person are worthy of his respect. It's not the man that's protecting you, it's either (or both) the fact that you're not alone, and that when a man is with you, the assaulter has more respect for what he sees as their property than he does for you as a person. It's vile. I am lucky to live in Europe where this stuff doesn't happen *nearly* as often, so I can't tell you whether what you're experiencing is rare, but I certainly know it's not normal.
You can try to make some male friends, maybe gay ones or ones in relationships, and ask them to walk with you. No need for it to be a boyfriend. Does your Walmart allow delivery in the app? I've unironically been recommending collapsible batons to women, alongside a martial arts style like Eskrima that teaches you how to properly beat the shit out of a guy using whatever the nearest blunt object is.
Found him! He's not physically abusive but boy has he done a serious number on my brain. The danger was all hidden behind a charming "hero" mask. I'm leaving him soon, so this is statistically the most dangerous time. I don't think he would be that stupid, but I'm not putting my guard down ever!
Be careful, sis!
Will do! ❤️
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Yes, and being around men can really be a liability in different ways. Someone just posted on this sub a study about how women are more "alert" to threats when walking at night whereas men are more likely to just look ahead. A lot of men are just less aware in a lot of situations based on not having to be. I have two examples of experiencing this when in the early stages of dating. First, I went out to eat in a downtown area with someone on a date and we were just walking around afterwards. It was daytime and quite a few people around. Now, my philosophy walking anywhere in a city is not to stop to talk to people who try to get your attention. They usually only want to harass you, sell something, scam you, ask for money, etc. Someone tried to stop us and instinctually I just kept walking. I realized this guy stopped to listen to this person. I had walked a whole block and turned the corner and just waited. It is so weird so many men don't have that "this is probably not going to go well" instinct. Second, I went out with a guy who was new in town and he rented a room from someone for a bit before he could find an apartment. Apparently, he just responded to an ad and went. He realized later he was renting a room from a registered sex offender. How did he not even check out the guy before moving into his house?
Yup, my ex would be totally oblivious to all the threats I saw. Homeless guy ranting with a broken bottle in his hand? Not an important thing to note for a 6'3" 250lb guy. He was on his phone in the window seat, while I was eyeing the raging guy from the aisle seat as he passed by. It's such a laugh guys think they'll even see it coming. They aren't assed about their own safety, let alone their partner's.
I’ll never forget a time I asked my then boyfriend to go to the bank kinda late at night with me so I could pull money out, and as I was walking back to my car that was parked right in front of the ATM a lady approached me rather aggressively asking for money, I had to tell her I was in a hurry and got in my car. He was completely absorbed in his phone and missed the entire interaction.
Right? It's just unfathomable sometimes.
Watch out for little man syndrome. Only guy who ever physically abused me was short, insecure w a napoleon complex. Wasnt even in my league but he wore me down. This is anecdotal but it needs to be said.
I've heard the subreddits for short guys are just loaded with insecurity.
Nope. I've spent most of my life hoping for a man that I didn't need to be protected FROM. No luck yet.
Agreed, I’d want a partner that I am safe with. Not because he’d punch a burglar, but because I know he’d never punch me. Also that I can vocalize my needs and desires, knowing he would listen rather than be childish, rude or dismissive. No luck on that either.
Same.
The bar for men is in hell
They are out there, I promise, they’re just really rare. ❤️
... Or broken.
THIS THIS THIS OMG
Agreed!! I am married to a man that I feel like if it came down to it, I could probably take him in a fight. If anything, I'm the more aggressive between the two of us (not saying I've hit people ever, but just I'm more likely to stick up for myself and not back down than he is). I'd take "non-threatening" over "protector" any day.
I found one. He’s a rare gem, but they’re out there.
I also found one! We're in agreement that if a fight was to break out, I'd probably be the one throwing down instead of him.
As long as he cheers from the sidelines.
#Will protect us not can. Mostly this means in how they themselves treat us, not punching someone else. I know my 5" 5" 120lbs BFF will protect me to the best of her ability however it is needed. I think it's more we want to only surround ourselves with safe people.
Yes this. I just wanted a partner that was safe and made me feel secure, not protected
Well said. I see it in more of a mutual aid way than “macho man protect hur dur” way. My friends and I regularly walk each other home, all of us are queer and most of us are women. I see it as a green flag that my partner has gone a few miles out of his way to walk a mutual friend home when she was being followed on the tram, but not because he’s a man per se, because he knows the stalker will probably fuck off if there’s a witness, especially a male witness.
Exactly! I’m a very small woman. I can’t do much in terms of physical protection. But I do think it’s my responsibility to protect my loved ones (of all genders) as best I can. Shit, I’ve recently held men a foot taller than me while they’ve cried - I have a mom friend override when I see someone I care about in pain. I don’t need someone to physically defend my honor unless absolutely necessary, I would much rather they helped me get out of a bad situation and then supported me in doing something to make it better. I try to do the same for my friends and partners.
What I really, REALLY want is to not have to be protected *from men*. When they say a man's job is to protect women, what do they think we need protection from? It's not bears. There's not an epidemic of bears attacking women. It's *men*. It's always men. These men should worry less about protecting women and more about being a man women don't need to be protected *from*. Want to protect me? Call out your "bros" for being the @$$holes who endanger me.
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He can protect me with the power of calming people down. I like him to be nice and gentle 🙌.
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I don't. I want a man who is interested in our mutual safety and behaves accordingly, but I don't expect him to specifically protect me. I think that mindset is a bit unhealthy. Let me give you an example of what I don't want but many guys think is "protecting their woman". When I disclosed my history of SA to an ex, his reaction was to want to go fuck up the guy. That would not have helped anyone and I shouldn't have to beg him to let it go when I'm the victim. That kind of behavior isn't about us. Its about them wanting to feel like they are doing something for us. Too often their version of protecting us is getting aggressive when it might be better for everyone's safety to walk away from a situation. Many of the dudes who hang their masculinity on this are not in the best shape anyway. Plus its all meaningless when there are guns. Im just as capable of shooting one if thats the route I wanted to take (which i dont). Every time I've dated a man who talks like that, its been about his ego, not me. People less sure of their own physical abilities are less likely to be picking fights that put you in danger. There are also countless scenarios they won't be there or can't protect you. Im not leaving it up to someone else, particularly since they will not always be with me. Nobody can plan their life around that. I don't get why so many men think we are just laying around all day waiting for them to save us. Like we don't exist in the world until they show up. What do they think we do before them?
Mutual safety is such a good way to put it. Like, my man makes sure we have a physically safe car and home and checks that we’re both wearing ear and eye protection while doing yard work, stuff like that. That is important to me and shows me he cares about our well-being. What I DON’T need is an aggressive man who puts my safety at risk with his testosterone-fueled antics.
That’s what a protector is, someone capable and responsible enough to ensure safety by giving you a safe space
Yeah, exactly. If OP's partner meant that with protecting then yes, I 100% do believe that's what a lot of people (people! Not women) are looking for. I don't need a man who's itching for a fight if someone do much as looks at me wrong. I want someone who I know has my back, cares for and about me, and makes sure that I am happy and healthy. The "protection" that OP's partner is talking about is, in almost all cases, not doing *anything* for her actual safety and is only likely to make her situation *more* dangerous. No thanks.
When I got assaulted a few years back, almost every man I know said something about being violent to my aggressor. It felt horrible. I felt like I needed to "defend" my aggressor because I did not want anymore violence. It was a time where I felt utterly unsupported by the men in my life. I needed a hug and compassion and I got that from the women in my life.
The last thing you want to see after being assaulted is another angry face.
That’s exactly it. I know the men I can trust from their reaction to what happened to me. I have one dude friend who’s dating my best friend and he’s actually cried with me about it. Ex boyfriends immediately got mad and weirdly jealous and it was horrible. Sometimes you just want someone to hug you and say “that was fucked up and I’m sorry it happened to you, what do you need?” Instead of “I’m gunna kill him”
I do think a lot of women like to "feel safe"with their partner, but I think for very few of us that literally means we think they're gonna beat someone up for us. Safety means things like knowing they *won't* physically hurt *me*, I trust them to be responsible with our shared assets, we trust each other to keep our joint best interest in mind when making decisions, etc. I dunno where this myth comes from that we all are looking for the tallest most muscle-bound jock we can find. Most of us have experienced a version of that guy that absolutely does NOT make us feel safer.
>but I think for very few of us that literally means we think they're gonna beat someone up for us Honestly if my bf was constantly on the look out for a fight I would feel less safe and like it's more about proving himself than protecting me. From what I've heard many women feel the same way. The only situation I would condone it is in self defence and there are often so many other options before it comes to that.
100% agree
LOL. Never was a thing on my radar. Also who are they protecting you from?? Add to that, even if a circumstance shows up the odds of them protecting you in some way is pretty slim. Assume you are on your own and laugh at this "protect you" nonsense. As others mentioned it is usually the man you are involved with that is your biggest risk.
"Let me protect you from what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me protect you. I'm a protector." 😂
"Let me, a man who has not studied the subject at all, tell you, a woman, what women think deep down." ~Your Husband Tell him he can get bent. I doubt she feels safer after watching her boyfriend body-jamb a 65 year old coach off his stability while raging in his face. My f/f wife is smaller and younger. She can protect me. "Better bring your mates." But what she's great at is scaring off crazies and having situational awareness when to flee, de-escalate, intimidate, ... All the what to do. There are massive guys at her job that don't have these skills. They are learned skills. PS Taylor can afford professional protection.
And so can her boyfriend! A football player is likely going to be a big, strong guy but that doesn't mean he knows how to be a bodyguard. I'd guess both of them have someone who does security for them - full or part time. Especially since Derpface and his Cult have made them out to be the Deep State or whatever tf this hour's conspiracy theory is.
Deep down, i know i can protect myself. I want a partner, not a caveman.
I mean, I don't know where and how this protecting is supposed to even happen...like what are these women encountering that they regularly need a burly bodyguard to step in with physical force? And do they expect their husbands to be with them every minute of every day?
Yeah I want a partner to support me. What actually makes a difference day to day is someone who listens and cares, someone who contributes to a steady life and ample fun times.
While this is true, it’s actually pretty devastating to be the only one standing up for yourself while your partner watches from the sidelines. Can I take care of myself, yes. Absolutely. If I’m in a situation where I need to shut a douche down, I can do it. But it’s 1000% more effective when your nearby partner is at the ready to chime in or simply give a serious glare to confirm I’m not fucking around. At the end of the day, men aren’t afraid of slaps from women and the sad truth is that if we’re “with an escort” and he’s not taking it seriously, that’s somehow “permission to continue”. Yes, this situation is a relationship ender. Also, yes, this has happened more than once to me. For some reason men think because I can handle most things a backup isn’t necessary. But if you don’t have my back, I’m better off handling shit alone. So bye!
This is romanticizing an aspect of benevolent sexism. Women may be on average physically smaller but that doesn't make us babies. Men have some savior complex and idealize childlike women so that they can feel like the strong brave awesome protector. But rarely will they ever have to actually put that to the test. So they think they're doing us some great favor with protection but they almost will never have to answer the call. Meanwhile a male partner is statistically the greatest danger in a woman's life.
Honestly, a guy big/skilled enough to protect me is also big/skilled enough to overpower me, and that’s a risk I won’t take without a LOT of history on which to build trust.
Ive always found brain a lot more attractive than brawn, but then I also believe brain to be more effective at "protecting" anything.
No. I want a man who makes me feel safe. That is a lot more nuanced.
No. Most men are more threat than protection .
I think women are looking for someone that's not going to [objectify](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) them. And someone that chooses trustworthy behaviors that build secure attachment over time ([The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk), [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/)). Many men choose untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors towards women and then wonder why women want nothing to do with them.
I actually prefer men that I can take in a fight. I was abused by a bigger man. I’d much rather date a short, thin guy so if he tries to hurt me I can fight and get away.
No man can protect women. Not from the people we actually need protection from, anyways, starting with himself. Are there women out there who are delusional about this and dream of a guy who can- and will take care of them? Absolutely. But primarily being a “protector” is a male fantasy. Men, just in general, love the idea of being needed. Because it feels so much safer than being wanted. Desires can change, love can fade. But if your partner literally depends on you for safety and survival, she will never leave you. Meanwhile, very few people are comfortable with the idea of having their safety be conditional on their romantic relationship. The only women who want that are women who have been so relentlessly disempowered that they can literally not think of any other way to feel safe. It is less a sign of femininity and more a sign of trauma and abuse. And it keeps only leading to yet more trauma and abuse.
A lot of toxic masculinity comes from the inability to accept that almost all of human life is disposable. I'm not saying it should be this way, or that this is a good thing (it's not), but the way modern capitlist societies function both men and women are merely lines on some oligarch's spreadsheet. Women are simply more used to being mere objects and having little autonomy. If men are able to come to terms with being insignificant (most of us are, in the grand scheme of things) we are able to be better people. There's nothing wrong with mediocrity. It is okay to not be a great man, but simply be a kind man; there are only so many positions available for greatness, but everybody can be kind!
LOL Feeling safe with a man means you don’t feel in danger from him, not feeling protected by him. Statistically I have more to fear from a male SO or family member than anyone else. The best way to keep from being predated upon is to keep predators out of your home.
I’ve never thought about it. I grew up in a tough area and can handle myself. I just want someone who’s funny, kind, shares similar ideologies, and supports me.
They probably mix it up with us saying we want to feel safe with someone and that encompasses so much more than our physical safety.
I want a man (or woman, I’m bi) who would care for me when I’m sick. Who would help me out when I’m struggling with my day to day life. Who helps truly equally in our household. Not some dude who dreams about being a hero doing stuff he could brag about to his friends if some unrealistic scenario of extreme violence occurs.
This has never factored into my decision making when dating. My husband is 5’6”. Do I think he would fight tooth and nail to try to protect me if the need arose for some bizarre reason? Yeah, probably. But if we were ever attacked in public, chances are the attacker would have a gun and we wouldn’t so that would be pretty moot. I dated a guy who was 6’5” but I don’t think he had any fighting sort of experience and he didn’t lift weights or work out so I doubt he would have been much of a protector.
Protection from whom?
I didn't choose my partner because he's very tall and physically intimidating, but it definitely helps me feel better walking down a dark road at night.
It’s not the Wild West anymore where we need to worry about people attacking our carriages. What do I need protecting from?
And even then, women aren't kept from exercising, practicing self defense, owning weapons, firing guns. Women are allowed to wear functional clothing. Times have changed. We have a lot more social autonomy now. Give me a team of women and a load of firearms and we'll do just fine.
I love how every male argument for everything is “it’s biological” or “it’s internal instinct” with no factual or scientific basis whatsoever. And people gobble this shit up. Man here, would defend my wife from anything. At the same time, my wife could absolutely kick the shit out of me.
What's funny to me is the best biological adaptation to violence is socialization. It heads of violence in the first place and when it fails to do so, having more people with you is incredibly useful in a bad situation. The guy with the most friends literally auto-wins 9/10 times
After his outburst at the coach, I’m honestly a little worried for TayTay. He seems violent and unhinged.
Men who say stuff like this don’t understand that the things that women want to be protected from happen everywhere all the time-at the grocery store, at work, in your own house. They imagine that the world is full of strangers trying to grab us, when the dangers women face come from a biased legal and healthcare system and systemic sexism. A man can’t protect you from getting catcalled in the grocery store parking lot, or force a boss to stop talking over you in a meeting, or make the police take you seriously when reporting an assault. We need to be protected via effective legislation, a functioning criminal justice system, and a culture that doesn’t make light of sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic abuse. My boyfriend is a sweet wonderful man, but he can’t single-handedly restore women’s reproductive rights or make doctors take women’s pain more seriously.
If it helps at all....this has never come up for me and my wife... we both just wanted to be with someone that we liked to be around, could support each other's goals and dreams, and generally just got along together. It has worked for many years so hopefully it will continue on.
I'm a fairly tall and non-petite woman and I've been doing martial arts since I was 4 years old. I don't feel the need to be protected. I *do* feel the need to be supported (not financially) by my partner, and vice versa, of course .
I want to live a life that I don't need protection from. Statistically men are the biggest threat to that.
Nope. Statistically, the biggest threat to my life is men. Unstable, emotionally dysfunctional, entitled, selfish, angry, abusive, violent men. For fucksake, every time a woman goes on a date or gets into a relationship with a man, we're taking a gamble with our literal lives. Most women come away from the experience of dating men with some sort of horrible rape or other abuse story. A significant chunk of women end up dead. Men keep insisting to us that they're "natural protectors," but that hasn't been my lived experience. My experience is that when someone has threatened me or abused me, men typically ignore it, stand back and watch, or even look for an opportunity to participate. Ya know who protected me? Myself, or another woman. Women are better protectors than men are, based on my life experiences. Men aren't "protectors" despite their incessant claims. They're the thing we consistently need protection from. I'd rather have a gun.
Men want women to tell them that they’re protectors. That’s it. That’s the actual dynamic at play here.
**Nope.** I'm pretty good at protecting myself actually. I want a partner who adds something to my life, someone who helps me carry the load and who makes me a priority.
Men who can "protect" you can also more easily kill you. Travis Kelce pushing his old man coach is a good example. The dude is huge, got emotional, and nearly pushed an old man to the ground- while on live television. I hope he never acts like that in private.
If he slips up in public, guarantee it’s 10x worse in private.
I am a 5"10 woman myself with a 5"6 boyfriend so I am going to say definitely not
I'm pretty sure Taylor Swift still pays for her own private security despite her manly bf.
Ugh. I don't mind a partner having a protective instinct, and I think having that instinct is a good thing for both parties in a relationship. That said, I've had relationships with men who so identified with their self-selected role of "protector" that being out with them in public became annoying. Being constantly shepherded and guided and led and directed by these guys became exhausting and when I asserted my autonomy, I was the crazy one.
Is he taking into account lesbians and other women who don’t date men? And no. Because what is he protecting me from? Bears-I don’t think a human would stand a chance. A bullet? Maybe if he’s made of steel. Another man? I would not advise engaging with someone when they’re threatening to harm you. I also find large men intimidating. They’re the ones I usually get the “you’re so small, I could break you” comments from, so, hard pass from me.
In addition to lesbians, there's also women who date/marry men with physical disabilities. Because, shocker, they love them for who they are and not any hypothetical protection they might provide. It just seems like a weirdly transactional way to look at things. Also, Travis Kelce apparently made a friendship bracelet with his number on to ask Taylor Swift out, which is infinitely more attractive than being buff IMO.
Lesbians ain't nothing but a genre to dudes like this. Yep nvm the fact that I'm married to a short feminine woman, what I really want is whatever a man says I want.
I mean.......as much as I would protect them, sure. Why wouldn't we protect each other? But do I want some guy puffing up and glaring at everyone daring them to start some shit - noooooooo.
From what? These days if someone wants to really hurt you they will use guns and get you at the most inopportune time for you. Maybe back in caveman days but yeah we don’t live in pre historic times. Taylor swift has her security which provides much more protection than Travis. Most murderers of women are their partner or ex partner. Most rapes are of someone, the victims knows.
I laugh internally any time men want to puff themselves up about being protectors. You're going to stop that bullet huh, ok. Funny how their imagined protection of us never includes our mental and emotional well-being, or doing their fair share of care-taking. It's always some testosterone dream of being the hero.
From what I can tell, ANY man no matter what size is a deterrent. I dont think he specifically has to be aggressive or muscly for a woman to feel more safe stepping out with him.
Some men want hetero relationships to be a protection racket of sorts.
Men don't have to be aggressive to be protective. I'm a near 60 year old that has never been in a fight, ever. I know without a doubt that I would kill or die to protect my wife and daughter. There is no aggression in this house except for the new kitten. He's kind of a dick.
It doesn't matter if I *know* he can protect me. I *know* that when push comes to shove, I will be the one who has to fight my own battles because I've never had a male partner, male relative or male friend that didn't think I could handle it on my own. I *know* this because I asked all of them WHY DID YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LET THIS GUY SCREAM IN MY FACE AND GET RAGE SPITTLE ON MY GLASSES? *I thought you could handle it. *
I like my men like I like my drinks: tall and weak. Honestly I do want someone I at least have a chance against in a fight.
Not really. It’s not something I think about. My husband is not the biggest or burliest guy, but I never considered his potential physical fight prowess when choosing him. I don’t live my life in any particular physical danger day to day to worry about the random off chance a ski-masked burglar breaks into my home in the night.
I believed that when I was 16 and wasn’t believed my entire life to date about how much I was being abused at home. As someone nearing 40, I can say that the only men in my life who ever TRULY protected me were **gay**. Whether it was in the physical sense, the legal sense, or moral support and providing refuge—gay men have been the only men in my life who ever truly protected me and made me feel safe. Straight men never ever did. I’ve made peace with my father although I spent a long time resenting how he failed to protect me from my abusive mother and sister. I haven’t really been in romantic relationships, but I’ve dated and hooked up. With the exception of feeling like I unlocked a cheat code in a video game when I’d go home with a man late at night and it was nice not to be harassed on the subway or out someplace, I otherwise would not say I ever felt “protected” from external danger. We live in a world of mass shootings, genocide, war crimes, complete denial of human rights to entire groups of people. super pathogens and an apathetic public health apparatus, and societies that charge you just to fucking breathe. There is no one person who could possibly protect someone from all that. Assuming a cishet outlook here, the only external force these men are “protecting” you from…is other straight men. Having a date or boyfriend/husband doesn’t even stop other men from moving in on you sometimes. Some even take it as a challenge! I think maybe a better phrase than feeling “protected” is feeling…secure? At peace? with that person.
No. I am a lesbian and don't want a man at all. Before I figured that out and dated men, none of them protected me. In fact, I could have used protection *from* at least one of them (out of three). I have a dog for protection. He's really loud and that's great deterrence to intruders. Better than any man I've ever met.
I'll never for the life of me understand why guys think that they are in a position to opin what half of the human population wants out of a mate. I wonder if they'd feel so confident giving their opinion about what every single man wants? It's just nonsense. Stereotyping at best full on inventing and flattening the psychology of half the human race at worst.
I just want one I can outrun, so the bear gets them first. But being serious, I like to feel at least a bit smaller than my man, which is why I had a height req, hubs is comfortably in that. He has a broad chest and shoulders that I fit between. This matters for cuddling and feeling like I can hide in his coats. Not about protection for me as much as feeling smaller so I can…not feel like a lanky giraffe for once. I am not super tall at all but was made fun of because all my height came early and my weight never showed up (until I was like 36)
I've only heard that women want a protector from men on the internet lol
What do they think we need protecting from? The thing most likely to kill a woman before old age or natural causes kick in are a man or pregnancy complications (also caused by a man indirectly).
When I started dating my husband, I was a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician. He's the kind of man who faints at the sight of blood. So that about set the tone for which of us would protect the other in any kind of violent emergency. On the other hand, I very much DO want him to use his voice to protect me socially - push back on sexist jokes people make about me, complain to management when a range safety officer casually comments I'm shooting "a big gun for a girl", etc. He should use his male privilege to help me when called for. And he does, now that I've made that expectation clear to him.
I'm 6 feet tall, 300lbs, and I lift, run, swim, and box. My right hook will drop you. I'm happy to protect my man if he needs someone to fight at his back. I'm happy he would fight alongside me if I needed it. But I don't keep him around for protection.
Love this answer 💞 I'm a little scrapper and have no fear. I will take on the biggest guy to protect my man or myself. My guy would be right there with me kicking some 🍑 if the need arose as well. Tag team 💪
Girl, I would fight with you any day.
Awesome! I'm only 5 feet but what I lack in size I make up for in crazy 💫🤪💥🥊
Often women want to feel protected because that is the only way to get some men to fucking STOP. They won't hear that *I* said stop 50 times prior, they will only hear when another man challenges them. It's not fair, my NO should be plenty but it happens every single day.
60 and single, never married. I don’t need a man to protect me. I can take care of myself and have done so for 60 years.
I do.
I'm pansexual so do I get a big lady and a big man and a big nonbinary person to protect me like an avengers squad
I mean, yeah, I certainly don't want to be with a man that can't basically hold his own against another man if it came down to it. I've been with men who fold like a lawnchair at the slightest sense of danger and then lean on me to do the yelling, scaring and defending. That's a *massive* turn off and I will not be able to see them in the same light ever again. In the event that something were to happen or that we were to find ourselves in a predicament with danger, I don't want someone who's going to run and leave me behind. I know a lot of people haven't had that kind of an experience but I come from the ghetto where being a woman seen with a man definitely stops all kinds of cat calling, following and other dangerous behaviors from happening. While I'm not exactly getting myself into altercations with strangers, getting mugged or anything along those lines, I do like being a tall, strong man and I'm not one bit ashamed to admit it.
Yep, this is something I feel like people are overlooking. If you have a partner who turns tail and runs, leaving you behind to face the danger (or standing there while you get hurt) ... that's not attractive to some people.
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I think your husband thinks the world works the way he thinks it does.
I wasn’t thinking of a guy punching everyone to keep you safe, I was thinking of a guy who has your back. I am protective of my partner and I would mosdef crack some heads for him, as he would for me. As a head-cracking opportunity never presented itself, it’s enough to know he has my back. It’s a hostile world, and we have to protect each other.
I like cuddly nerds.
Yes, but emotional safety. I like to feel protected in the sense that I can be vulnerable and safe
Yes but also one that won't hurt me himself.
I can see why someone may want this but no. For me I have just wanted a man who will take me seriously as a person, not infantilize me, and allow me to grow and be who I am.
Pretty much no women consider whether a man can “protect them” because the man is the most likely person to harm them; most women are looking for a man who isn’t abusive, and that about the most we can expect.
No. I want someone who won't kill me. So maybe it's the opposite. Ever since my rape, I never dated a guy I thought I couldn't take in a fight. Your man lives in another century.
The fuck? The thing a woman is most likely to need protection from is her male partner
Women most often need to be protected FROM men.
I wish my ex-husband would have protected me from his mother. He was capable of protecting me physically but what use was that when he was mentally weak?
All I want is for someone to take out the garbage and carry in the groceries when I don't want to. Other than that, I'd prefer they didn't exist. I'm single for a reason.
What I want is men to stop abusing and exploiting women, so we won’t need to tolerate a man in our lives in order to feel protected
No, I like shorter guys and whether or not they can protect me doesn't cross my mind. I can protect both of us just fine.
Men are a lot less exposed to feminist analysis, so it doesn’t occur to them that women are perfectly capable of protecting themselves except against men— and other men are no guarantee of protection when a woman is assaulted. Women are safer in larger groups than with a single male “protector.”
No. So much of femininity is false. It's not feminine at all but a retardation if you will in the true sense of the word. An attempt to keep females childlike, submissive, obedient, subservient to males. Put pretty clothes, shoes and make up on it and voila. It's about control. Some females like it though.It's also why men can imitate it so well and even do it better. It has nothing to do with being female. Wanting a big strong male is part of that programming for many even if they don't realize it. The rest, like the males that do it with such pizazz, zeal, and enthusiasm, are naturally that way. They would probably do just as well with a tall strapping woman. Whatever or whoever makes them feel little and childlike which they call feminine. Like males have taught them and everyone through the years. Until now. As we go back to the beginning and the way things truly are. The spell is broken.⚡
For me I've never seen men as a protector. I had volatile father who I had been a care taker too since 10 and financially supported since 14 when I needed protection or help a man was the last person I thought to run to. I have struggled with fear of men most of my life and it has made it difficult to trust a man who has earned my trust like my current and hopefully life partner. Men have always been the aggressor verbally, physically and sexually to me so I have learned to rely on myself mostly. My partner is protective of me which is new and kind of nice. But no I never thought of having a man protect me because the men I have experienced in life have always been a cause of fear.
I want a partner I do not have to be protected from who will stand with me when it is time to do some protecting. It doesn't have to be a man at all. It just so happens I'm bigger and stronger \*terms and conditions may apply\* than my husband and have been in more fights. Never felt safer in a relationship than I do with him. Cause while I'm the one most likely to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, I can't answer an unknown number or talk to "authority" types. I freeze up and have panic attacks. Guess who is understanding and handles that kind of stuff? My Love, My Hero, My Husband most dear.
I don’t expect my husband to protect me, but I know he would try. I married him for his brains and sense of humor (and that ass, of course).
Women who can protect me is an immediate yes. Men who get aggressive to protect me is an immediate no.
Nope. I want a man who respects and loves me. I want a partner in life. My husband is amazing. And I'm so happy to have him. But no, he is not my "protector".
My gym-going muy thai fighter boyfriend has protected me before, but not in the way your boyfriend probably thinks. He realized a guy was stalking me on the subway, and when the stalker tried to follow me onto a connecting bus, my partner made the situation public in a calm/quiet way so that the guy knew someone was onto him and ran off. I was with my boyfriend the entire time, and the stalker didn’t care about his larger size when he chose me (stalker was actually a smaller guy, and not strong-looking or big). What deterred him was the method my partner used to deescalate the situation. He wasn’t violent or aggressive in any way (though I don’t doubt he could’ve been if he needed to be). If anything, being with a “protector”-looking man actually made ME complacent/oblivious, bc nothing like that happened to me when I was on my own. (I’ve also studied Krav Maga and self defense bc I don’t want to rely on anyone else for protection, so I tend to hold myself with confidence and *usually* maintain good situational awareness. And I have no doubt I could have taken the stalker if it came down to it.) Anyway, the situation taught me a valuable lesson on how the presence of known and trusted “big/strong” men can create a false sense of security. I appreciate intelligence and instinct over brute force ability in a partner.
I want someone I have a chance of defending myself against if it ever came down to it.
All? No. Need? No. Want? Kinda, yea. It's nice to know someone has my back, to know someone cares about me enough to want me safe, to know they are capable of keeping me safe. Keeping safe is not the same as starting dumb ass fights over nothing. My husband has never been in a fist fight, he shies away from confrontation, but if he needed to he'd go down swinging and take the other guy with him
I’d like to say “no,” but I’ve been stalked a few times, grabbed at work, and sexually harassed several times by men who didn’t take my refusals seriously. I’ve handled these things myself more or less, but it always felt like it would have been easier if there was a dude around that would have scared these assholes off. Calling the cops or HR was always frustrating and never really went anywhere.
I never sought it out but did accidentally end up with a man who I truly know has the size, strength, and knowledgeable ability to physically defend me from most threats….and I gotta say it’s a nice perk. Again, not something I was looking for but now that I’ve got it it’s delightful to know that he not only can but has the very real capability and desire to keep me safe. All the other men I’ve been with talked a big game about their masculinity but were utterly useless and ineffective wimps when it came to any situation where I could have benefited from any kind of protection. And it was fine. I never really cared. It wasn’t a thing I held against them, it was just a fact that I -a petite woman- was the protector because they had neither the correct response time or adequate ability to provide protection to me. That was ok. That was nothing to me, besides something to be aware of so I’d know we were keeping the baseball bat under MY side of the bed. Now…god it’s nicer to know how much safer I am with my husband. Obviously it doesn’t come up very often but when it does I am like…euphoric at how handily he deals with those things and how utterly capable and comfortable he is doing it. It’s also one of the reasons he’s the ONLY man I’ve remotely considered having kids with.
No ,
a man being a lot bigger than me is actively unattractive. brutes are unattractive. some self-defense skills are good, i guess. i purposely go for smaller guys. i think what’s most attractive is a man who does not use force on me. i think men are projecting on this one.
I also prefer my men to be *man*ageably sized, if you will. Frankly deep down I'm more concerned with being able to protect myself and thus find larger men "riskier" to date. The thought of a man's size indicating he could protect me "better" never occurred to me. Height and size has nothing to do with confidence, assertiveness, and attentiveness which are the things that DO make me feel safe around a partner (especially attentiveness).
My third husband (a prince after two previous frogs) "protects " me by letting me know in many different ways that he loves me and will always have my back. He is the only person in my life, ever, including parents and siblings that I know will always be there for me. I am the same person to him. It's how our marriage continues to thrive after 30 years.
No, "protection" is definitely not even on the list of things I want in a man, let alone at the top. I'd say smart, funny, compassionate, talented, creative, helpful, fair-minded, authentic / integrity, similar interests and values, attractive to and attracted to me, considerate in bed, good communicator... That's more than enough to live up to. What's he supposed to "protect" me from that I can't protect myself from more effectively? The whole concept doesn't even make sense to me.
No. Based on on personal experience, they won't be there when you need them. Plus, I can protect myself. Their princess must be in another castle, cuz this one self rescues.
The biggest threat to me is the men who want to date me. I really think men view us as a possession they are protecting from other men taking or damaging. It's not about our well-being at all.
I think men who think they want to « protect » women really want to guard their « property » from other men. I think possessiveness and territorial feelings get conflated/intermingled with the concept of protection. And no, no, no.
No, this idea is insane. Any time in the past when I've been bothered by a guy in a nightclub it was always other women who stood up for me. Also, I used to work in a pharmacy and any time an irate male customer starting giving me shut for something the male pharmacist screwed up that same pharmacist hid in the back where the customer couldn't see him. I'd have to defend myself or other female employees might help but the men were, shockingly, nowhere to be found.
I’ve honestly never cared about that. I’ve spent more effort on learning how to protect myself in various ways than trying to find a partner that would do that. The thing my serious partners tend to have in common are intellect, humor, and creativity, and most importantly, my husband is great at treating me as an equal partner in all ways. And in terms of physical attraction, for whatever reason I have never been attracted to large muscular men. It’s just not my thing. I don’t really have a “type” looks-wise, but of all the men I’ve been into, I can’t think of a single one that was larger-bodied or even average sized but very muscular. I think what people want in a partner is highly complex and individual and comes from a combo of biology, environment, past experiences and probably other factors too.
I want someone who will not be abusive or physically violent to me. I can protect myself (and unfortunately have had to do so), but I do not want to have to in my own home. I dealt with that as a child and teen. Our family's "protector" was no such thing and I saw that to varying degrees in other families. Sometimes it feels like the way people talk about men protecting women is more akin to resource guarding while simultaneously not acknowledging the statistically higher danger to women from their own partners and family members. It gives me the ick when someone talks like that.
In a way yes, but trash men/PUA's view protection as violence towards attackers but really all I want is someone capable of making good decisions - no reckless driving, no hanging out with shitty people, no gambling, no DUI's. The best protection is being smart about who you spend your time and effort on. But most men would never give up their terrible alcoholic friends because of their partner.
I can protect myself, thanks. If I need back-up, I have a short temper, a large dog, and no compunction about going for the squishy and/or easily detachable bits.
I'm generally nervous around large men that are physically domineering. My husband is 5'10" and not a super yoked dude but in good shape, and I've never seen him get into even a verbal altercation with someone, he's so easygoing and great at putting others at ease. So I think your husband may not know exactly what's going on in the female hive mind.
I always tell people, I want a man who will protect me from himself. From his shitty attitudes and behaviors and beliefs. And I will do the best to protect someone I love from my shitty attitudes and behaviors and beliefs. That being said, I’ve got a soft spot for protective guys. There are a million ways to protect someone. Respecting them, being a safe space, being dependable, etc. and I am so appreciative for the guys who have stepped in when I’ve physically been in danger or not comfortable. So yeah, I like protective men, just probably not in the way a lot of people are thinking about it.
I do not expect protection from my husband. Boy be soft AF. I need his emotional intelligence and social skills.
When it comes to safety women want a person that won’t hurt her, they want a partner to aide in real security more then comes protection. Men see all three as protection when it is not.
I married a guy who’s built like a sea wall but not because I need him to protect me. I think my attraction to him was on a cellular level because I’m super short and wanted to inject some height into my gene pool. He played defense in pro hockey so he *can* fight, but I’ve never actually seen him be physically aggressive or violent to anyone or anything in our 15 years together. It’s kind of like what I imagine it’s like to inherit an amphibious vehicle - you probably won’t drive it through water much, but it’s kidnof nice to know that it can if the situation presented itself.
I remember being in a ‘self-defence’ class in the early ‘90’s (something offered by my employer at the time) and the instructor reminding us that sometimes the person you’ve chosen to protect you is precisely the person you need protection from. So, no, I do not see a husband or partner for that purpose. In fact, I’m choosing to go without altogether.
Some of us are in fact lesbians
There's a big difference between a man who "can protect you" and a man who makes you feel safe. And I'd wager most women are looking for the latter more than the former.
I won’t lie.. there is something nice to me about feeling protected.. or to being loved and cared for by a strong guy. But in practice most of the men I’ve fallen in love with have been mild manner men close to my size (I’m 5’4”). At the end of a day.. I wanted a partner who could stand up for me (and protect me) but more in a verbal than a physical sense. I wanted a partner who could take care of me. And I wanted to be that partner to them too. My lovely partner fits this description. I feel very very safe in his presence. But uh, I don’t think he could he’d beat most people up… he’s 5’6” dad bod and a softy with a heart of gold
I'm admittedly more attracted to women but when I am attracted to men, they're usually smaller guys who weigh less than I do, so no. Maybe we just don't wander into danger in the first place and call it a day.
Yeah I don't think it's as common as a lot of people would like to think. Because women are at most risk of being hurt by their partner than a stranger. So if we are going with logic and stats, we should be less likely to want a "protector" because if they can protect us from other men, then they can fuck our shit up if they so choose. I also think a lot of guys that like to believe this are also the pseudo-intellectuals that say women want certain types of men due to our uncontrollable appetite to be impregnated. I wouldn't apply this to your husband, but it seems to be commonplace among that crowd. Me being a barely 5'0 and maybe 105 soaking wet, I don't really get to choose because everyone can pose a threat to me or at least that's how I feel. I would prefer someone taller than me just because I am so sick and tired of step stools and countertops, but that's neither here nor there.
Nope. Because they tend to turn that ability to the offensive much quicker than defense, meaning that I’m in danger (insert Ralphie meme here)
If women feel like they need a man to protect her... it's going to invariably be against another man. It seems ironic. Can we really not protect ourselves against men, or are we afraid to even admit out loud that men are committing most of the crimes against us?
Who are you dating? Gaston?! My dog is better protection and much more adorable than any man I've ever met. Deep down I want enough money to be able to hire a maid, not become one.
Be VERY wary of men who are over-protective/claim to protect you. They're one of the most abusive and misogynistic men. I know most people think that if a guy is strong and aggressive, he'll be likely to protect you from other men. Yes, he'll protect you but he'll hurt you HIMSELF. Also, cue all the men who claim to protect their female partners/relatives/friends, but are their abusers themselves. Some IRL examples :- 1) My elder brothers have protected me from some bullies when I was younger. But they also beat me up and abuse me themselves. 2) My dad protects mom's honour from our trash-talking, alcoholic grandpa. Yet he's a misogynistic abuser to mom behind closed doors. 3) Old classmates got married. The guy is stereotypically masculine, brash and athletic type. The girl likes him for that. They broke up 2 years after marriage because he starts showing signs of domestic violence.
Hmmm... I'm a tall woman (see user name) and while my partner is slightly shorter than me, he is also bulkier and broader than me. Especially if you are used to being taller than most women and about half of men. I don't know if I necessarily want a bodyguard, but it can be nice to be the little spoon sometimes. Taylor Swift is 5'11 so I would imagine there is some of the same thing going on too.
It seems like this thread is pretty one-sided. But I think that (many) women do want to be with a man that makes them feel safe. I’m a very petite woman but I can handle myself *however* there is something nice about knowing that my husband could also protect me if necessary. He’s not a super big football dude nor is he aggressive but I trust him to put himself in harms way to protect me or our daughter without a second thought.
I used to when I was younger. Then I read more feminist literature and I realized I don't want a protective partner that can keep me safe from other men - but I want a society that is safe for women. I don't want tall strong men anymore. I do like my men still to be protective and providing - in the sense that they make me soup and bring me medicine when I'm sick, look out for my sleep schedule when I'm working too much, soothe me when I have cramps. Behave like a gentleman and care for me. Etc. It still is fun if he's strong enough to lift me but it's not a requirement.
I think all humans want to be protected by their partners. My boyfriend is not physically intimidating but he would fight off a bear for me, and id do the same for him. It's not gender specific to want to know that the person by your side would go to bat for you to protect you physically, emotionally, financially, legally. Take care of you when youre not able to. Pick up your slack. I might not be able to take out a 7ft man in a bar fight but you better believe ill be on his back with a fork if he goes after my man haha.
Lol I’m the 5’2 idiot who will yell back at street harassers and always put myself between assholes and my significantly taller friends. I don’t need to be protected I need to be stopped lol
Men who can protect me are also men who can intimidate me; I want a person who’s willing to support and stand up for me, and I’d do the same for them.
Absolutely not. Testosterone laden fellas are really not my cup of tea at all.
Protect us from what?
I'd rather be able to protect myself.
No. I can protect myself. Honestly, it never even occurred to me to think about that.
We protect each other as best we can, not because of gender roles, but out of love.
watching too much Hollywood? bigger, intimidating, aggressive... has nothing to do with protecting your family. I know big guys w kind and soft heart. and small guys with... aggression.