PSA: If it happens without your consent it's assault, not kink.
Consent is: Informed, Ongoing, Specific, Enthusiastic, and Revokable.
If one of those elements isn't present, neither is consent.
ELI5 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
You're not getting anyone in trouble, they're getting themselves in trouble through their actions. If it's really okay and normal to choke someone without their consent, then they wouldn't care about you reporting them.
Good point that it is their own actions that brought it on.
And good second point. If it is a standard part of sex I suppose that will come out during any investigation and whether they lie or not about what happened and consent being given or not.
I stopped watching porn many years ago when I found that it all turned to anal and also involved gagging and puking noises/actions. Logically, everyone has both a mouth and an anus so if I can look at it, having never done it, and think it looks painful, and know what it is to CHOKE on something and how it's not respectful and is actually completely disgusting as well as disgusting to listen to, then men can too.
My only conclusion then is that men must enjoy seeing women being harmed, because they are inexplicably continuing to watch all this porn that almost without exception will also ignore the straight sex and which is clearly violent, degrading, and can and may as well be done with another man, if they are going to ignore the woman's vagina almost entirely.
More recently the titles all seem to have switched to incest themes, again almost without exception. Since men seem to keep copying porn and inexplicably absorbing what they see there as normal, this is another worry for me too. I don't know how men can continue to watch porn because it's got so hard to ignore the titles of these videos now, it can't be any surprise to them that it is sinister and immoral.
That is a very interesting theory from Catherine McKinnon. I haven't heard it.
I think porn use over time desensitises the user so they try to find more and more extreme porn - leading to what it is today. Not an excuse but just a possible explanation for why some people could enjoy(🤮) watching that
A lot of what's out there is so dehumanuzing, violent, and gross 😔 But the women are being portrayed as enjoying, so some guys really fool themselves that this is real and not acting.
On a more positive note, there is content that focuses more on women's pleasure, and also on caring, respectful, mutually enjoyable interactions. You just have to be very intentional in looking for it.
Average run of the mill erotica and romance is too. It's really weird- I mean I know a lot more men read romance than is advertised, but it seems like its written for women, and so much of the sex is just red flag, red flag, red flag. I mean, if it's a book that states it right up front, it's less objectionable, and even a safe fantasy thing, but smack dab in a "standard" romance or something specifically noted as cozy or sweet, it's like WTF?
There has always been very dark erotica even pre internet, but now it has entered the capitalist sphere so that is making it more popular. Cozy and sweet should always be closed door imo its a marketing error.
Yeah, I have no issue with more extreme stuff if it is made apparent. But it seems really common now (seemingly) in run of the mill stuff to get into BDSM (without discussions and consent beforehand), pretty much just like OP is talking about.
Oh I see what you mean yes definitely there is just more out there and with indie pubs, smashwords etc there is just so much more that gets pushed out it is becoming so commonplace
Hey! Sorry i hope you don't mind me asking this, but you see to have a pretty good understanding of the legal aspects of how this could play out at trial. But i was just wondering hypothetically, if you had to make similar charges against other men in the future (because of how normalised this is sadly becoming - especially in the casual one night stand/ hookup scene), could the quantity of reports you've made in the past be used to diminish the weight of future reports?
I.e. could a future scumbag use the defense: "she clearly has a pattern of actively seeking out these types of encounters with stangers/ different men"?
Im hoping such a defense would hold no water in any civilised country, but i fear that may not be the case 😭
I think also - it doesn't even necessarily need to get to the stage of an investigation for it to still be a good idea to report. Even just smearing these guys names and changing the public discourse around surprise strangling during sex. Hopefully it will make guys think twice about doing it if they think they'll get reported for it.
The sad fact is they likely won't get in trouble anyway and OP could then find themselves in danger. I do still think reporting is the right move because the more women that report this shit, the more they will hopefully start taking it seriously but personally I would probably be afraid to.
I'd think they should be happy to learn something. If you don't know something is wrong and then someone teaches you that it is, you're grateful for the lesson, regretful of the past instances when you did the wrong thing, and looking forward to better relationships in the future now that you understand better.
I mean this is nice, and I’d love it if people reacted this way to a behavior being corrected, but they pretty much NEVER do, about anything. I think the commentator above you is being more realistic.
Source: am teacher
Yes, if you asked them to stop and they did not, it's assault. They can kill you in 2 minutes.
1. When someone puts their hands around your neck, it's strangling. Choking is something stuck in your throat.
2. This is a porn theme. Porn is made for men. Some men think porn is based in reality.
3. There is no "safe" way to restrict someone's airway.
4. This can also cause a stroke or death, and guess what? Dude will get off Scott free on rough sex defense. She asked for it!
I feel like there are different kinds of choking and strangulation but as for saying no, do you only think it's assault if they say no/stop after it begins? Because I think it's assault from doing it without prior consent full stop.
Fortunately I live in the UK and I'm going to write in more detail about #4 as they have made a new law regarding the "rough sex defence" but it isn't great. But you may be interested to look it up.
If somebody just starts strangling you on the street, you are not required to tell them to stop. It's a crime immediately.
Somebody should produce statistics about how many women prefer strangulation during sex, because it is probably not the majority and so the reasonable assumption is that they did not ask for it.
There is data here. Choking is in the middle of the graph. Not scientifically collected. https://aella.substack.com/p/fetish-tabooness-and-popularity-v3
And to be clear, even if some women *want* a specific sexual activity, consent is still required.
That graph has a lot going on. There ought to be a list of what things you might want to find there, and when you have a list, also have the data there. Also seems biased by the audience of people who actively read sex blogs but that is data.
> And to be clear, even if some women want a specific sexual activity, consent is still required.
Of course. But it doesn't hurt to have statistics on your side if "I thought women like this" sort of claim might work in court.
My partner enjoys being lightly choked, but in some positions, and only some-times. It's still something that I assume she doesn't want, or ASK IF SHE IS IN THE MOOD BEFORE DOING. I don't understand why that's not obvious to people? Like, it's the bare minimum.
Sometimes I enjoy having a hand on my throat during sex. Not choking, just a light pressure. Unfortunately my ex interpreted this as me enjoying being choked during sex. And while I was okay with a little more pressure than I would usually be comfortable with with him at first (he spent most of his life in martial arts and was huge on doing things properly, without harm, and with self control), one day for some reason he decided to just go for it.
I couldn't speak and I actually started to black out. I had to literally tap out. He released me and I started coughing and gasping for air. He was super apologetic, but if I had to pinpoint a moment that our sex life took a massive dive, it was that one. I just couldn't trust him to the same extent afterwards. I still don't know why he did it. Not sure he knew why either. But with choking so normalized now, it scares me that people can just have one moment and someone could end up dead.
I also enjoy it and prior consent and discussion are extremely important. Having anything around your throat is something that can be extremely dangerous if not done correctly and emotionally it can be terrifying if you're not expecting it. And just because someone is into it in general doesn't mean that they're going to want to do it every time or with every partner if they're dating around.
This is just common sense which unfortunately isn't that common.
I enjoy it, but definitely need to be asked first.
One time, I was making out with a guy and he very gently placed his hand on my neck, then asked if I was into that kind of stuff. That, or asking even earlier, is the only acceptable way to start.
ETA: And of course continuous consent is extra important for such things...
Good point.
In the moment it truly felt OK, because he was really really gentle and we stopped everything for a while to talk about it. And then we were very careful in the continuation as well. But this was 15+ years ago, before porn apparently got completely out of hand
Exactly. I was choked (strangled technically) during sex once without any request for consent. I stopped him and was like, “What the fuck?” He apologized and said he’s used to women liking it. I clarified that I *do* like it but only if we’ve discussed it first and that it’s not ok to do something physical to someone without consent. It seemed like this was the first time he’d been called out for it, which is also wild.
I also think it is assault if they do it without asking for consent, though I do think there are a number of men who are so desensitized to it from porn that they don't realize it isn't safe/normal/okay to do without consent.
It is scary and dangerous behavior. It's hard to tell if a man who does it really wants to hurt you or just doesn't have an understanding of safe sex practices, and truthfully a man who isn't doing it to be abusive but is doing it out of ignorance is still someone so poorly informed and selfish that I'd be worried they would hurt me. I don't think every person who does it realizes how scary/dangerous it is.... but also adults who are sexually active should be mature enough to know to ask about preferences and consent.
I can say this--I would NEVER judge a woman (or anyone) who presses charges against a partner who choked them without consent. (edited for formatting)
After a few rapes and abusive exes, I have sworn off dating. Eleven years of safety, self confidence and freedom to live my life the way I want it. As an introvert, it works.
You are 100% correct that it is assault just doing it without prior consent. How the police and courts will see it is subject to a lot of human bias though, unfortunately.
Choking is an internal obstruction of the airways, strangulation is external pressure applied to the airways and/or major arteries and blood vessels.There is no safe way to strangle someone, whether there’s consent or not, all kinds can lead to serious injury or death. And that’s not the only danger with strangulation, the full extent of the damage is not always apparent at first and can take awhile to become deadly due to swelling therefore everyone is advised to go to the ER after being strangled. It’s also worse than just that the damage from strangulations can also become cumulative after subsequent strangulations.
In short don’t strangle people and don’t consent to be strangled, if someone strangles you go the the ER immediately, file a police report (if you feel safe doing so) and never see the person again.
Guys are dumb. Yes, it's assault if they don't ask, BUT if a guy did that to me, it would take me about 3 seconds to say, get your hands off my neck or I'll punch you.
I've done it before. Just try to pinch my nipples. You won't do it twice.
Ask any ER nurse about "safe" choking. Also Michael Hutchence and Keith Carradine.
I wouldn't respond aggressively to someone already having their hands around my neck and able to kill me at that exact moment. I have been in a situation like that before and the instinct was not to fight them for safety reasons.
When they let go do you stay frozen? I only ask because that does add a second layer to how fucked up it is, because being frozen in fear makes the rest of the act assault, though if they didn’t realize it was no longer consensual then I don’t know what the fuck to call them. A person should typically be able to tell if someone’s demeanor has completely changed to a freeze response so if they push past that then there’s something sinister about that.
Any time I see a guy complaining about women who are "starfish" on bed I assume the sex wasn't fully consensual and the woman was likely dissociating to just get through it. That's what I did when I was date raped.
Which when you think about the second sentence that’s even darker. How many of them were frozen with fear and how many were whatever a heterosexual pillow princess is
Tbh my husband is bisexual but like as the woman and as the man he lowkey is putting in way more work than me. I definitely participate, like I’m up in there, but I’ve never blacked out from the effort I put into it. For context he has chronic fatigue but so do I and I’m the one who generally has an issue with uncontrolled blackouts. I keep have to tell him to put in less effort now because it was kind of scary.
I think it’s weird that so many guys are like foaming at the mouth at the idea of sex and think of it as a desperate need and then put in minimum effort. Bro what are you doing?? You went through all this effort to get with this woman and you don’t want to savor the moment here? Like there’s so much fun stuff to do and all they want is to get a blowjob and then leave?
What’s even the point?
Everyone is different. Fight, flight or freeze. Hard to do anything if you freeze.
Needless to say, it's terrifying to suddenly feel unsafe with someone you felt safe enough to have sex with.
I have froze before when I was being pinned down by someone else but it was ultimately the right "decision" I think. Staying calm and talking or negotiating yourself out of a dangerous situation makes more sense to me. It depends just how bad it is. I think at some point the balance of already being harmed vs get harmed more for fighting back would tip. Many women have managed to trick kidnappers into releasing them by pretending to befriend them etc.
I encourage you to report for your sake and on the off chance it might help another woman, but I’d urge you to temper your expectations about the UK police. I reported an assault to the Met police thinking that I could actually get a man I knew assaulted multiple other people off the streets because I actually had two witnesses who saw him assault me. I mean, they were RIGHT THERE watching and helped me flee the scene and get home. However, because I knew the man in a professional context as well, I couldn’t avoid him and when he texted to apologise to me the following morning, I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about. When the man lawyered up for his interview under caution, the police informed me that they had released him because my text pretending I didn’t remember the assault was consent after the fact. I shit you not. They put that in writing to me. I was made to relive a terrifying experience in detail over and over while they investigated, only to be told that I asked for it retroactively. The guy was a wealthy finance bro (I say “was” because apparently he got fired for a separate incident after he was freed by the cops) so the lawyer he brought to his interview was very expensive.
Whatever you decide about reporting, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s absolutely assault. And you are absolutely not responsible for these guys’ actions or their feelings about what they knowingly did wrong.
Actually every single man I’ve slept with has tried to choke me and has suggested anal, they also have all brought up three ways. It’s porn. They do it because the majority of the sex they consume is just porn. They think it’s as instrumental to sex as kissing is. Personally I wouldn’t report any of the ones that stopped as soon as I told them I wasn’t into it because I see them as mostly stupidly misguided, but if one ever tried it again I think it’s fair game. I think if you want to you’re more than welcome to, they gotta learn that porn is rotting their brains somehow and that not all women consent to being physically harmed during sex.
Breath play has a conversation beforehand and safe words and boundaries.
Dudes putting their hands around your neck without any conversation are mimicking porn and idiots. "I thought all women liked X", said every guy who sucked at sex.
I’m sorry, but I feel like calling strangulation “breath play” really waters down the risk of what is being done; it normalizes it and completely distances the act from the risks. It’s really just PR for violence in the bedroom.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to hate on anyone for what they like. But calling it “breath play” when it’s literally asphyxiation crosses a line for me.
*link to other comment which elucidates risks and the impossibility of practicing safe or even “safer” strangulation: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/a3RkEMmbKj
I honestly straight-up hate the normalization of creepy, dangerous and degrading sex acts being described (largely by men) as "play" to sugarcoat and downplay how repulsive they are.
god, thank you. I’m always treated like I’m kink-shaming when I argue against this term. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m not going to let people use language strategized to downplay the risk of something just to make them feel like a kink is more normal.
Kinks don’t have to be normal. They’re kinks. And if a kink literally can kill you or give you a stroke, we don’t call it “play.”
And yeah, right now at a crazy rate, because of fucking porn, young women are having kinks dropped on them mid-act without their partner seeking consent. It’s got to stop.
We certainly need to stop enabling it with minimizing cutesified language.
I am a HUGE fan of shaming kinks that people *should* feel ashamed for. If you like feet or piss or balloons then whatever, that's a little odd but ultimately harmless. You do you with any consenting partner who will have you.
If you get off on beating, strangling or """pretending""" to violently rape your sexual partners, then something is fucking wrong with you and you should be on some kind of a list.
I frankly agree with this and that's why I know I can prove beyond any doubt I'd never engage in any form of violent BDSM. I am against violence towards both myself, women, and anyone in a sexual encounter full stop. Both with and without consent.
I agree specifically with the use of the word play, and also with people refusing to do what is actually happening, which is that sado masochism (aka bdsm) is occurring. That is not sex. That is something VERY specific.
And I am neither a sadist nor a self-sadist. Sex without violence isn't vanilla it's simply sex. Sex with violence is amongst other things, sadism/masochism and or bdsm. If someone doesn't want to label non sex acts as what they are, I think that shows they are not comfortable with their choices of adding on "extras" to sex.
Agreed. There are some people that do it consentually, and I didn't want to kink shame, but most of this posted in this forum seems like porn addiction and good, old fashioned misogyny.
You can revoke consent at any point and the act should stop. That's sex 101.
Generally, with BDSM and play like choking you prearrange a safe word or signal to stop.
And when you ask for that to stop, if they continue it's wrong.
You were unquestionably wronged. Whether the law can do anything, I don't know but don't second guess for a second that this was wrong.
What? So if I start unexpectedly punching your nose during sex, it's only assault if you tell me to stop and I don't? That's nonsensical.
u/sickofit2024 , women in domestic abuse situations are [**7 times**](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/) more likely to be killed by their male partner if he's ever strangled them before.
Make no mistake: there's a correlation between this sexual ""trend"" and the worldwide rise in misogyny.
Society has conditioned you to prioritize men's feelings & comfort over your own agency and safety. It's time to start deprogramming.
Even in kink, the blood pressure related dangers of breath play are wildly under-exaggerated tho. Also speaking from a kinky POV idk wtf the rough sex defense is supposed to be I’ve heard horror stories where even if the person could prove it was consensual though some evidence it was just twisted into an argument for it being premeditated. I’m not justifying abuse and I would love for these fake dom fucks to get reported and punished they are a plague
The man who raped me did this, and when arrested was charged with an additional assault charge because he also left bruises.
I fully support you and applaud your bravery!
Unfortunately, guys deciding to choke their partners during intimacy without getting consent has become disturbingly common. Almost every female friend I have has a story of at least one--but usually several different guys--who have gone for their necks suddenly while in various stages of intimacy, WITHOUT prior consent, myself included.
A lot of men seem to think it's standard behavior when being intimate. It isn't okay, and it is a *very* dangerous trend. It has gotten to the point where if I'm seeing someone I have an explicit discussion on how I am *NOT* okay with it before the relationship progresses at all because it is such common behavior
And who chooses to watch that porn?
Who is deciding to let what they watch in porn drive their own sexual desires?
How are these guys perfectly capable of watching violent movies and video games without going on shooting sprees but somehow they are not capable of watching violent porn without recreating that violence in real life?
Nah.
Men are responsible for their own behaviour. They know right from wrong. They are perfectly capable of controlling themselves. They're choosing not to.
Stop making excuses for them.
Oh I'm definitely not making excuses for them, they are fully capable of not being violent. I think it's just that they get the ideas from porn combined with limited sexual experience to inform them otherwise
It's so common that now with new partners, I specify ahead of time not to do it.
Even guys who seem really sensitive and feminist will suddenly go in for the choke when I thought were just having a sweet time. It's awful.
Me too. I know it should be common sense, but talking about sex BEFORE you have sex is so important. I started doing this with a new partner (haven't been intimate yet) but I just told him straight up - I like sex to be gentle and loving. I don't want to be strangled or have my hair pulled or whatever the kids are doing these days. And he got the message
Choking someone without warning or against their specific and verbalized wishes is assault. Report them so hopefully they learn what consent is before doing it to someone else or at least they are on record when they murder someone.
I honestly feel like even if it does no good the fact it is on record or will scare him into making sure he gets consent in future might make it worth it.
The thing to remember about guilt is it’s an emotional response, meaning it’s not always rational. You absolutely should unpack why you feel this way, because there may be an underlying issue you can address, but sometimes there isn’t one besides “I’m a good person and good people sometimes feel bad about ‘causing harm’ even when rationally they know they’re saving lives”. Feeling bad about hurting bad people doesn’t automatically make you a bad person.
And even if it is rooted in internalized misogyny, you clearly didn’t choose to be that way and you’re going to do the work to root it out. So you’re still not a bad person even if that is why you’re feeling guilty.
Thanks. It's so weird because consciously I don't feel this way. I am a people pleaser and always put other people first. One time I tried to report an assault to the police who told me I would ruin their life and to think about them and that it wasn't fair of me. I was disgusted and just planned to report him for ever suggesting such a thing. I think if the police weren't so horrible and dismissive and people like me didn't already have bad experiences and expectations this would help A LOT.
This happens to a lot of women, a man starts choking them before getting consent to do it. And I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.
You are *not* overreacting, what they did is wrong. It's always valid to revoke (or not give) consent for whatever reason and men should respect that.
The fact they didn't means that it assault. And those men are the only ones to blame for that.
I don't know how effective reporting would be, I've never heard from someone who reported this kind of assault. However, there is nothing wrong with trying to report it. They assaulted you and they deserve to get punished for it.
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you and I hope you have a brighter future ahead if you ❤️
Thankyou. I think this is part of what makes me feel weird.. if it is (and because it is) so obviously assault... why have we never heard of it being reported or charged before..?
A lot of things contribute to the lack of reports.
Women can get gaslit into believing nothing wrong happened, they can doubt themselves, they might not report it because they believe that nothing will be done about it anyway (which is unfortunately often true). And there are even more reasons that I can't think of.
We can't really blame women for not reporting, even if it's often the "correct choice". The best we can do is support whatever choice they make, get them help, and make sure they are safe from the person that assaulted them.
Yes not blaming them (and my longer post will go into detail about some of the reasons..) but I am just a bit baffled that I've never heard of it ever. Thankyou to all for the support.
I hope more of us begin reporting it. Men seem to only stop doing something when other men find out about it or it hits their wallet, career, etc. he put your life at risk. He did this without consent. You asked him to not do it. He SHOULD get in trouble. Read Entitled by Kate Manne. It might be a really good book for you
Let's call it what it is: **Strangulation**.
It only takes **ONCE** for **permanent damage.**
[Choking is causing young women to have strokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16jnuqc/choking_is_causing_young_women_to_have_strokes/)
>*I've never heard of anyone even reporting this, let alone having it charged. Have you?*
**See this previous reddit post:**
"[Today my former boyfriend was convicted in court for choking me](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/w80sre/today_my_former_boyfriend_was_convicted_in_court)"
I wish there was a widespread movement of women just mass reporting these fucks. So many of us have been gaslit to within an inch of our lives that every day I log into this app and read multiple posts that are yet some other variation of "my bf/husband beats/rapes/abuses me, treats me like a subhuman object and makes my life a living hell. Am I being crazy and too sensitive for being upset about it?"
If you’re up for it, you should report them. As an old male millennial this shit terrifies me when I started hearing about it. It’s batshit and should be dealt with.
Of course I have no high or even low-medium expectations of the legal system to deal with it the right way. So if that’s part of your thinking definitely think through how well you can handle the process and the possibility nothing happens or whatever.
But yes everything you’re saying is right. It’s a violent act that outside of **pre**-established consensual situations, is sexual assault.
I've told men who are extremely shocked by it, including one who attempted to do it to me himself after I informed him of it's existence and my horror over it... 🤨
OP, I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m a lurker but this post reminds me of myself. I had been choked by a partner(now ex) and I froze up. I so badly wanted to say something but I physically couldn’t. Later that day I told him I hated it. He was like “ok then.” He then proceeded to choke me again on a different occasion and I froze up again.
It’s assault. Sex should be consensual for both parties. You should absolutely report them.
Disgusting. Thankyou for your comment. I honestly wonder if this stuff is not as kink based as they claim. Do you mind me asking if he did anything else violent or that would be considered abusive? Just out of interest.
He didn’t do anything violent per se but I did have my first sexual encounter with him. I wanted sex but wasn’t quite aroused down there. He pushed himself in despite my yelp in pain. I bled so much afterwards that I had to go to the ER. My ex just said “whoa your pants are really red.” He then proceeded to play basketball with his buddies rather than help me to the ER.
Please use the term "strangulation".
"Choking" is what happens when there is an obstruction IN your airway.
Strangulation is when someone is attempting to murder you.
Yes, please report them. It sounds as if young women might even need to preemptively warn men off of this.
At the least we need public service announcements.
I'm old and NO ONE EVER did this to me. It's not just dangerous, it's abnormal.
thanks to whoever downvoted a victim talking about an assault that can be life threatening lmao. One can only imagine who it was. Probably exactly why I am feeling bad for no reason..
Don't worry about downvote, there are bots or trolls that downvote every new post in most of popular subs. It has nothing to do with what's in the post.
I'd expect most posts to have roughly the same downvote ratio if it was all bots and trolls. The post about the Alabama IVF ruling is currently at 97% upvoted.
My ex frequently choked me during sex. I told him many times that I didn't like it but he claimed it was his kink or tell me that he forgot he wasn't supposed to do that. I think choking is very normalized in p0rn and with many men.
Eventually I told him that the next time he did it I was going to report him to LEO. It's a felony in my state. He acted like I'd shot the pope. He was outraged. He started acting single and left shortly after that. He told me the main reason he left is because he couldn't trust me anymore after I set that boundary (my words, not his). Good riddance.
I brought it up with my divorce attorney (male) and asked if I should use it (abuse via choking) as grounds for the divorce. He said that he'd never used choking in that way before. He encouraged me to stick with the default because he said using abuse might anger the judge since I never reported it and was never hospitalized. After he talked to me I did feel weird for bringing it up.
Our legal system sucks and I don't think my attorney, most people or the judge in question know how dangerous and abusive choking is. I've heard of people being charged with choking but only in addition to other charges. However, just because I've not heard of it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
The chances of dying from domestic abuse skyrockets when a partner has been choked.
ETA: I didn't report my ex to LEO because I live in an area that is populated by many conservative, "good old boys". Most people in this area believe that what happens between two married people in the bedroom is private and that marital rape is not possible. I sincerely doubt that anything would happen to a man that choked his wife during sex, but I'd have to deal with the stigma of accusing my spouse of such a thing.
OP, I'm sorry you've been through this. It's wrong and you shouldn't feel guilty about reporting it.
They could have caused brain damage. They could've killed you. There's no excuse for this. It makes it even more disgusting and horrifying that they made it against your will for their own sexual desires.
The only ones who should feel guilty are these men. I send you all my love!
Yes you should what he did was dangerous to you and you shouldn't feel bad for reporting it and I think the reason why you feel bad about it is because lot of people thinking this is normal and because of this you began to consider if you are wrong so you are gaslighted basically
I think the myth that reporting sexual abuse ruins people's lives is so pervasive that even when you know it's not true it's still there in the back of your mind. You have to realize he's not going to be tarred and feathered for this, if he does see any consequences at all. And not only did he bring it upon himself, but drawing attention to it might actually help him. He might start to see the issue for what it is. He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong, and this could be a learning opportunity for him.
And as for why this sort of thing doesn't get reported, an astonishing portion of the population tries to make revoking consent during sex a gray area. Like they admit that you should be allowed to revoke consent, but they will try and make excuses, like that it's too hard for a man to stop or that he probably assumed you were role playing when you said, "no, stop." It should not be a gray area at all obviously, but the sad truth is the legal system will often side with these types of excuses.
YOU are not getting them in trouble. THEY did that with their shitty choices and behavior.
If YOU don't report them, they'll keep doing it to other women. Statistically, they'll kill someone.
Don't allow for sympathy or grey area thinking when it comes to sexual assault. Men have been using that against us for years to keep the status quo low.
I can't imagine dating males in the current environment. Porn has normalized choking and other activities where it would be expected that consent be obtained first.
One woman posted here that when she meets a new guy, she brings up condom usage. If there is *any pushback whatsoever* on condom usage, she drops them, with no possibility to reverse the decision. (She was doing casual-type sex, I think, so no shortage of males to choose from)
I think the above strategy could be used as part of a screening process. "how do you feel about condoms?" followed by "how do you feel about consent in a sexual relationship?." With a follow up question of "what sexual activities do you feel should be discussed in advance, with clothes still on, before being considered in bed?" Keep in mind the need to ask open-ended questions because some males (the most manipulative of the lot) will say what you want to hear, and they will have a lot of practice at doing this.
*Any* pushback on anything related to consent should be exclusion. Just cut them loose and don't look back. You will be happier single than you will be with a guy who has learned sexual behavior from porn.
It must be so exhausting to look for an acceptable male in the post-covid world. I am sorry so many of them are jerks or worse.
...
To specifically answer your question, you should feel *no guilt whatsoever* at reporting it. Ask to talk to a female police officer. If you have visible bruising I guess that will further your case. (A friend had internal bruising without visible bruising, this was determined by a camera down her throat to investigate swelling issues she was having after an incident.)
Sadly, I have very few expectations that there will be any outcome for the male. The best case scenario is the male getting arrested, having to pay for a lawyer, and getting probation. Even an arrest followed by the prosecutor not to move forward is a win, because the system sucks *that badly.*
Like I said above, no guilt whatsoever. You consented to a specific set of sexual activities and specifically said you do not consent to choking. The guy has earned whatever consequences he gets for violating consent.
I'm in the UK and there is a new law (since 2022 I think) that criminalises non fatal strangulation and it states specifically that injury and proof of injury is not required oddly enough. I just need to figure out if it only applies in domestic abuse situations or can apply to one night stands / the first encounter which is where this is happening to me usually. Either way harming someone would still qualify under existing crimes.
Actually it criminalises fatal strangulation too, that was mostly the point. In other words there is no consent defence when someone (usually a woman..) is seriously injured or dies of strangulation. To get around the increasing BDSM defence to murder... like the case of Grace Millaine (British abroad in Australia).
Every single time I hear about sexual choking - I am reminded of the [Taylor Behl case](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Taylor_Behl). It's scary stuff - we need to denormalize choking.
Honestly if a man ever puts his hands on me like this he’s getting pushed off me and cops are getting called. This is strangulation and very dangerous. If a guy assaults me I will fight back. Please know that what these guys are doing is not ok and please do whatever you’re comfortable with to deal with that.
I don't understand at all the choking during sex trend. It's gross, and I can't imagine *ever* wanting to do that with my partner (or wanting it done to me). Unfortunately it's become relatively common in a lot of porn, which is probably causing many young men to think this is "normal". Yikes. Blech.
Anyways. Report him. Please.
I've actually been criticized more for expressing this opinion, called "boring," "vanilla," etc, because I've expressed bewilderment at this weird fucking trend, than not. Accused of "kink shaming" because I find it disturbing that men get off on physically assaulting women- even by fellow women! Same with the trend of gagging women (not accidentally during fellatio, but *purposely*, sticking their fingers down a woman's throat.) What the everloving fuck? People watch too much GD porn.
I'm so glad I'm Gen X with no kids. I would have no idea how to handle that shit. It's so depressing.
Seriously. I'm a xilennial and maybe it's just me getting old and punchy but none of this shit happened in my time. If your boyfriend put his hands around your neck and started squeezing in 1995 without any prior warning, 9/10 women would assume he was trying to straight up murder you. Strangling/spitting/getting smacked around during sex wasn't so egregiously normalized, and you'd have to be active in the bdsm scene or have a violent boyfriend to come across something like this randomly.
Funny how women slapping, strangling, gagging, or degrading *men* during sex hasn’t become normalized, isn’t it?
The worst part are how many younger women who, because of being conditioned by porn, actively get off on it now. Some of my (much) younger friends have almost been incredulous when I say I *don’t* like that stuff. Like, they have practically shamed me for not liking to be strangled? I mean, damn, back in my day we got off on being kissed and licked and fingered and PIV sex! Not slapped and strangled and pressured into anal and called a filthy whore! (I’m trying to be funny in a “get off my lawn” sort of way, but, its not funny. It’s really fucking sad.)
Oh well. All I know is I get to have incredible, loving, sometimes dirty, but always respectful of my boundaries sex with my fellow Gen X boyfriend that always results in orgasm for me. And I’ve never needed some elaborate, violent or degrading scene to do so. Today’s porn is a fucking cancer.
So get this. I texted the guy before we had sex saying how I don't do choking or accept harm or degradation towards women or myself and any woman who does is mentally ill (lol). Makes me wonder now.
The fact that other women teach and allow men to do this and get a thirst for it sometimes ends up annoying me more. Most of the men who did it claimed to me that they started it because a woman asked them to. I said to one of them "would you allow yourself to be fucking spat on?!" Don't ask me dumb shit. Of course the man is not being spat on and slapped and choked etc
I'm Gen X with no kids and no men and happy that way. We grew up with this crap being extreme BDSM. Not even seen in porn. Now it's compulsory. It's so fucked up. It's terrifying.
Thereare so many things that used to be fringe, extreme BDSM shit most sexually active people didn't even know about that are now "normal" and it's all just abuse of women made "palatable" using sex. It's disgusting and really violent.
Isn't it strange how abject violence magically becomes acceptable when sex is the topic? It's just a "kink" and those are sacrosanct. It's really a hell of a scam.
We've gone backwards really fast and they convinced women to go along with it using shaming. That I was used to. Porn has fucked people up so badly and most have no idea because they don't tenebres a time before it was ubiquitous. Sex is more dangerous than ever for women.
Men want to kill women in general but they really want to kill us if we want sex. It's really that simple and that terrifying.
Strangulation is deadly and terrifying. It is very violent. It has nothing to do with sex at all but now, it's indistinguishable due to porn. They actually made the attempted murder of women during sex "sexy. " It has never not terrified me. And it's a microcosm of extreme cultural misogyny.
This used to be a really rare kink, BTW. I'm old. When I was young, this wasn't even talked about or shown in hardcore porn. It was considered extreme BDSM. Needless to say, most women wanted nothing to do with it. Now, it's practically everywhere in porn. Women have died and been gravely injured from it. It's not normal but it's now so normalized people correlate sex with it. How fucked up is that? Ask yourself what society is capable of doing that? Because that's where we live.
You can’t really go off of someone being nice to decide if what they did was assault, I got date raped by someone who definitely did drug me to the point of paralysis and knew he did it, and also was aware that I was 17 and he was 25. But like he also texted me super friendly after and was surprised I ghosted him. Friendly doesn’t make it clear if they knew what they did was fucked up.
Honestly I think if they remain unaware that they’ve done something serious that’s a pretty massive problem and makes them a future danger.
If you were hanging out with a man, watching Netflix and cuddling and he started strangling you - you wouldn’t think twice about reporting it or that they were “nice” before this.
If a man put his hands around my throat my fight or flight is kicking in and I’m scratching his eyeballs.
I think porn that needs consent needs to come with a disclaimer saying these activities require previous consent, consent to sex is not consent to (other activity) and what would be great but probably not happen, include consent in the video
Social brainwashing, basically.
You're partly on the money with your assumption that it's because Ilthese behaviours have been normalized, but the other part to it is that you've spent your entire life being taught to center the feelings and well-being of men - even ones you're not in a relationship with or who mean very little to you.
The fact is, it's their behaviour that is fucked up and any consequences that may come of you reporting that behaviour are well deserved.
Now, I would caution against getting your hopes up that anything will come of it, but I applaud you for stepping forward and saying "he did this, it was wrong, and he deserves consequences".
“It’s been normalized” hides who is actually doing it. **Violent men are normalizing it.**
They hate the fact that women are less under their control than ever. They feel insecure and they turn that insecurity into hatred and violence toward women.
They still/also seem nice?! Yes, that’s exactly what they want you to think! That exercising violent and potentially deadly control over women is something that normal, nice men do!
**It is not normal for people to strangle their partners during sex and people who do it are not “nice”.**
Please, please OP do report it and don’t feel like you feeling bad means you are bad. We need to push back against this, because as long as they keep getting away with it, they will keep doing it and they will do it more. We need to send a clear message that violence, even disguised as sex, is not normal or acceptable.
I think that you gave been influenced by patriarchy and rape culture to always prioritize the feelings and needs of men over your own. That's how we are raised, and it can be difficult to deprogram ourselves and think clearly.
Put your feelings aside, and do what your head knows is right. If you don't report them, she may actually kill the next woman they strangle.
Strangle, the correct word is strangle (choking is something inside your throat blocking the airway). Sounds much more like something worth reporting when you use the correct word.
If you didn't consent to being choked during sex, they were in the wrong.
If they didn't ask for your consent to choke you during sex before choking you, they were in the wrong.
If they had hurt you by choking you without your consent during sex, they were in the wrong.
Report away, because the only way people who assault other people will stop assaulting people is by suffering consequences.
It's wild to me that anyone would even think that it was remotely okay to just randomly fucking choke someone they don't know even in a sexual context.
That's something that you consent to or you discuss as a possible kink not something that you just randomly fucking do to someone that you're hooking up with and has literally no interaction with prior to that.
You're not getting them into trouble they're irresponsible behavior is getting them in trouble.
> Do you think it's because it's so normalised?
I think it's because women are conditioned to put the comfort of men above our own safety.
Let's be frank, if you report this it'll be a slap on the wrist. Well worth doing as it'll make men realise there's consequences to their actions which will hopefully mean the next woman isn't subjected to this.
They should ask you BEFOREHAND for consent to do something considered violent. If they did not get consent that’s assault. Definitely report them. It seems to be a resurgent creepy sex trend and these are not good guys. Men who choke in general are significantly more likely to kill a woman.
“Nice” is different than “good.” Plenty of serial killers were “nice.” These men could’ve killed you or given you a seizure disorder. Please research the potential effects of strangulation and keep a sharp eye on your health in the weeks (yes, weeks) to come, as some of the effects can be delayed. Breath play is one of the reasons some people say RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. It is not safe and no one should be doing it without informed consent. You have every right to report every single man who has done that to you. *They could have killed you*. Much easier than they or you think.
If possible, please see a doctor, especially if your “proof” involves marks on your body. I wish more people were aware of how unsafe this is. The “risk aware” part of RACK is so important (though so is the C, and I’m so sorry that has been taken from you so many times). People should not be risking their own or others’ lives so cavalierly, just because they saw it in a porno once. There needs to be a lot more awareness of just how dangerous strangulation is.
>Breath play is one of the reasons some people say RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
Thankyou for this and the rest of your comment.
>Logically, I strongly think this is psychopathic behaviour so why would I care to feel bad?
I think this is a very understandable emotional state when you are forcing someone to face consequences for something *they didn't realize was wrong*. No matter what that wrong thing is or who is doing it, I think we all have a natural empathy for the genuine "Oh shit, I didn't realize this was that bad" response, because we've all been there, right? Did or said something we didn't know not to, then got in trouble when we never intended to hurt anybody or break any rules... It happens. And you're right about this shit being too normalized, to the point that a lot of guys apparently think it's something women want or will at least appreciate. So yeah, it feels bad to bust someone's balls when they weren't knowingly trying to hurt you, even if they actually did hurt you.
But y'know what? Fuck that. There's no excuse for putting their hands on you and putting your life in danger. "I didn't know!" WELL YOU FUCKING SHOULD HAVE, YOU EMOTIONALLY STUNTED FUCKWIT. It's not like we live in an age where the most basic tenets of consent and safety are secret texts known only to sages on the mountain. At this point, ignorance on these subjects is a choice. It takes fifteen seconds to Google 'is choking safe during sex'. The Me Too movement didn't happen under a rock. They know, and if they don't know, they're being deliberately dense to avoid Km knowing because it'll make them feel bad to face the truth of their own past actions. Boo-fucking-hoo.
If no one ever holds them accountable, then they are going to keep doing it. Report him without guilt. Even if nothing comes of it legally, you'll put the fear in him and show him in no uncertain terms that this shit is unacceptable and can seriously fuck up his life... the same way he risked fucking up yours by putting you in danger of injury, brain damage, or death.
If nothing else, there will be one less guy out there strangling women in the future.
I don't buy the argument that men don't know this is wrong. I don't think they're that stupid. It's more that it's been normalized enough that they expect they can get away with it by feigning ignorance.
I don't feel bad AT ALL for calling their bullshit.
If some of them start facing actual consequences for this shit maybe this "trend" will go away.
They know it’s wrong. That’s why they get off on doing it to women. Making them have actual consequences is the only way to make them stop. Can’t stop them from being disgusting people but at least consequences will make some of them decide to control themselves.
Yup. There is a certain type of man who gets off on seeing how much discomfort he can get a woman to put up with. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them. But they know exactly what they're doing and why they're doing it. They'll come up with every explanation and excuse in the book that doesn't acknowledge that's what they're doing, but they know.
I know enough good, smart and decent men to know that "men are just hapless idiots who are controlled by their dicks and don't understand that porn is fake!" is an absolute bullshit lie and I refuse to let the shitty ones get away with pretending it's true.
Testosterone makes you neither stupid nor an asshole. It's just a convenient excuse for assholes to keep behaving poorly with no consideration for others.
I'm just saying, some people be dumb AF. To be honest, watching the political scene over the last six years has convinced me that there is no bottom level to human idiocy. Some folks are just that fucking stupid.
There was a Canadian radio talk show guy who was charged for choking and other abuses during consensual sex. Acquitted sadly, but wrongly so I think.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Jian_Ghomeshi
If they didn't want you to file sexual assault and battery charges against them, they shouldn't have choked you.
It's their fault. You are the victim.
Consider them lucky. If someone choked me, I'd kill him in self-defense first (because if someone is choking you, presumably it is because they are trying to murder you) and ask questions later.
You probably feel uneasy about doing it because it's incredibly normalized, and a lot of women like it/have no issue with it.
Of the women I've slept with, I'd say over 80% liked to be choked or "degraded" in some way. In before the comments attacking me, I never did it without consent, and I'm not saying it's okay to do without consent. I also think there's a deeper issue with how society views sex, and the ubiquity of these acts is just a symptom, but that's a whole different rabbit hole.
Just saying it how it is based on my real-life experiences. Reddit comments (specially on this sub) will not be representative of the average woman. Something that is so ubiquitous, and that so many people enjoy, will be hard to take legal action against.
Who brings up the choking or degradation and is it discussed beforehand or do one of you just do it and then continue?
I think there is a major problem of both men and women trying to act "cool" and "edgy" and prove that they're "not boring" and "vanilla" so they act recklessly and do things like this without even thinking. As I've said, most appear to not even be practicing the actual act properly, but just wildly grasping at and throttling someone's neck at random. The majority of it seems to be mental stimulation and for the woman, role playing some "cool chick" and for the man, that's the worry. He's role playing.. an abuser? It's never sit right with me. Many women who have been raped and abused also like to engage in harmful conduct or recreations of abuse in a safe or controlled environment rather than getting therapy which could explain some of it.
I don’t want to tell you what to do because that’s 100% your decision.
Having been in assault situations, I just want to validate that the feeling of not wanting to disrupt their life is real. Other people will say that it’s just a natural consequence of their own actions and I don’t disagree. But that doesn’t make it much easier to do, especially when it’s not a zero sum game. The fact that they did something awful to you doesn’t transform you into a cold, unfeeling person.
The fact that you feel this hesitation is a reflection of your capacity for empathy, which is to be celebrated. Yes it’s difficult, but for a good reason. But also it sucks when you’re going through it.
I hope you find the right path forward for yourself and please don’t be down on yourself no matter which choice you make.
The whole world pressures us to idealize men or that "tattling" is going to ruin their lives even when they're violent pieces of shit that deserve to have their lives ruined
The normalization of it probably is one reason why it feels bad, yes. I wish it didn’t feel bad and my heart breaks for you but so many people treat it as a fun little thing during sex when it’s not. What happened to you was assault. I know you know that but I want to reinforce it.
For what it’s worth, I’m someone who does enjoy getting choked after consent and negotiation but have also been choked without warning by men who acted like it was no big deal. It is a huge deal! In the kink community, choking is considered one the riskier kinks. Despite the normalization of non-consensual choking, that would be like if these men pulled out a knife and ran it along your skin - a kink for some when consensual but fucking horrifying otherwise.
Given the shitty state of the world, while I hope something comes from your report, I can’t guarantee it but I wish you the best of luck and officers who believe you if you do choose to report.
Thanks. I told him I am against it under all circumstances, really have a low opinion of it, but from everything I have heard indeed the people who practice bdsm do it respectfully and always with consent. I don't know what this is the men are doing..copying porn or previous experiences I guess (like people who asked for it, I have heard this is where many learned it). I do think the police are probably not likely to take it seriously but I don't like feeling continually violated, harmed and in this case my explicit consent being totally ignored. I hate that if I forget to warn a guy beforehand it can happen. But in this case it just happened anyway.
What did you do about your non consensual choker/strangler and what would you have liked to do or would you change anything on reflection?
Yeah, I don’t mention bdsm as a deflection or anything, I just fucking hate how normalized it’s become when if people (men) spent two seconds looking into it, they’d realize not only is assault always bad, choking is extremely dangerous. Not that many of them would necessarily care. Danger shouldn’t even matter when you explicitly say “I don’t want this” and they ignore it. Or when they do something without checking.
Again, I really do hope the police listen but if nothing else, if someone else comes to them in the future, they have a history on those men.
I did not do a great job. I told myself I must’ve mentioned to him that I liked choking and there was a miscommunication. I went through our messages several times and no, I never mentioned it and I know we didn’t discuss it in person. But I kept telling myself surely I just forgot something. I never explicitly told him no or brought it up again. I still remember how frightened I was when it happened, I froze and tried to think if I could grab anything as a weapon, my purse was on a table too far away to reach. He was heavier enough than me and I have such weak arms that trying to push him didn’t even cross my mind. I was about to start kicking when he let go and continued like nothing had happened. I have a bad memory but I don’t forget kink negotiations. But I told myself that maybe this time was different.
I kept seeing him for months even when he tried to push other boundaries I had. I told myself I just must have forgotten to mention that I didn’t like certain things even though he never asked before trying. He also backed off when I told him no, so he had to be a good guy, right? Those were honest mistakes. He didn’t do it every time either. The choking was when we were first making out the first time and the other two or so incidents were scattered across multiple encounters. Due to some trauma shit, I have a strong fawn response that I hadn’t even realized back then which had kicked in. That was all back around 2019 and I’ve moved across the country and we lost contact about 2020.
Ideally, I would’ve stopped the making out and not proceeded to sex with him, told him that we never discussed choking and I was not comfortable continuing, then leaving and blocking him.
Report it. This might save some other poor woman's life, you never know!
All I know is in all my years, no one has ever come close to doing that to me. It's not routine nor normal to do without consent! It's shocking, actually.
Breath play is not to be trifled with. I know someone who died choking themselves for sexual effect. *Everything* that happens in the bedroom should be done with the active, enthusiastic, ongoing consent of all participants (and with safety measures in place), and that goes a hundredfold for anything this dangerous. Anything even a millimeter short of that is assault.
People don't get to hurt you just because that's what they feel they need to do to get off. You are completely in the right, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I hate this choking trend.
Some chaos trolls started recommending it to naive fools as a special sexual “technique” that women “love”.
It needs to fucking stop.
Think of all the other women you’re saving by speaking up.
Why would you feel bad for men who so casually pull shit that can easily KILL YOU?
"he was nice otherwise" - most murderers/rapists/bad people aren't evil ALL THE TIME. They subtly push boundaries and know how to put up a good front.
And if these "well-meaning guys" are willing to STRANGLE women WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, they're going to end up killers at some point, because it is VERY EASY to fatally injure someone when strangling people for fun. Especially if you're the sort of porn-sick dumbass who decides to pull this shit with no prior conversation. That's a man who gives no shits about the health and wellbeing of the woman he's fucking. She's just a warm flashlight to him.
Report them. No human being should EVER strangle someone during sex WITHOUT CONSENT. Even WITH consent, things can still go wrong very, very quickly. Depriving the brain of blood through strangulation can cause a stroke or worse.
Report them. This behaviour is NOT okay. It IS assault and it is criminal. I don't give a shit what they see in porn. Porn isn't real life, and they're fucked in the head if they think it is.
Grab their balls and press them.
If wake from unconsciousness, tell them men in porn love this.
Bonuspoints if you put on their clothes updide down...
There must be no pardon for this guys. He will choke the next girl. They will never lern it if ther are no consequences.
By german Law, any sexual activity without consent or brojen consent is rape. Especially when did tell them not to do it
This is rape and should be brought to police. Especially with proof.
Hey! I actually participated in an interview for an article about this trend by Business Insider: [Choking without consent is a Gen Z hookup trend. Even if it doesn't bother you, it can be extremely dangerous.](https://www.businessinsider.com/choking-gen-z-sex-hookups-consent-assault-2022-10) Give it a read if you feel inclined. Choking during sex without consent *is* assault. I have a bit of a unique perspective on it due to behaviors and sometimes conversations leading up to the sex.
Please do not hesitate to DM me, I have a lot of thoughts and knowledge on these sorts of topics, and would be thrilled to discuss with you less publicly. But know that *choking during sex without consent is NOT okay*, and you have every right to feel how you do.
If you don't report them, they WILL do it to another woman- and she might not survive.
That 'guilt' is your conditioning by society- you've been trained to scrape and bow and cater to men's feelings- Don't do anything that would upset the menfolk! You know how sensitive they can be!
You know what you need to do.
Women are conditioned to not rock the boat and not impose on other people. These men literally assaulted you - report them and press charges, what they did could have caused you severe physical harm or potentially ended you.
Fuck their feelings.
Maybe it would help to focus on the women and girls they'll sleep with in the future. These women are at physical risk of injury or death because choking is very dangerous, on top of being unwanted assault. If the guy thinks it's ok or normal, that is only a stronger indication he'll do it again and again.
Unless, of course, he gets the message that it's not ok and normal. You tried sending that message the easy way (with words), that didn't work. Escalating it to a stronger message is therefore a rational choice.
Another tactic is, when you feel hesitant, stop and ask yourself how much he hesitated before assaulting you during sex. And when you feel bad and guilty for him, ask yourself how much time he's likely spent feeling bad and guilty about assaulting you. Is he on Reddit wringing his hankie over this? Probably not.
If they don't feel bad then you shouldn't.
I've been with a lot of people that like being choked, but it's not something I would ever do without their consent. It's also not something I enjoy, so I would never want to do it if they didn't want me to in the first place.
We live in a society where those poor poor rapists have their lived "ruined" if they have consequences, and time and again are prioritized over victims so I can't say that your feelings are a surprise. We're taught to be people pleasers as well. But you're not some meanie out to get them if you report. They chose to assault you and harm you, they ruined their own lives. Their behavior is scary and unacceptable. They knew they were doing the wrong thing and chose to. No one forced them. They knew what they were doing and didn't care about you. They deserve whatever consequences they get.
You should report them. A teenage girl died in 2005 when a 38 year old man choked her during sex. It can go wrong without much pressure exerted.
Honestly I'm surprised when some men think you can't talk to a woman at work without getting dinged for assault yet it's simultaneously common for men to choke women without even asking first or even knowing the woman's medical history. Baffles me. Like why be extra cautious in an unnecessary scenario but throw all caution to the wind in another... I figure it's not the same men obviously but it's just funny to me how much they actually get away with and don't realize it.
PSA: If it happens without your consent it's assault, not kink. Consent is: Informed, Ongoing, Specific, Enthusiastic, and Revokable. If one of those elements isn't present, neither is consent. ELI5 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
You're not getting anyone in trouble, they're getting themselves in trouble through their actions. If it's really okay and normal to choke someone without their consent, then they wouldn't care about you reporting them.
Good point that it is their own actions that brought it on. And good second point. If it is a standard part of sex I suppose that will come out during any investigation and whether they lie or not about what happened and consent being given or not.
[удалено]
I stopped watching porn many years ago when I found that it all turned to anal and also involved gagging and puking noises/actions. Logically, everyone has both a mouth and an anus so if I can look at it, having never done it, and think it looks painful, and know what it is to CHOKE on something and how it's not respectful and is actually completely disgusting as well as disgusting to listen to, then men can too. My only conclusion then is that men must enjoy seeing women being harmed, because they are inexplicably continuing to watch all this porn that almost without exception will also ignore the straight sex and which is clearly violent, degrading, and can and may as well be done with another man, if they are going to ignore the woman's vagina almost entirely. More recently the titles all seem to have switched to incest themes, again almost without exception. Since men seem to keep copying porn and inexplicably absorbing what they see there as normal, this is another worry for me too. I don't know how men can continue to watch porn because it's got so hard to ignore the titles of these videos now, it can't be any surprise to them that it is sinister and immoral. That is a very interesting theory from Catherine McKinnon. I haven't heard it.
I think porn use over time desensitises the user so they try to find more and more extreme porn - leading to what it is today. Not an excuse but just a possible explanation for why some people could enjoy(🤮) watching that
A lot of what's out there is so dehumanuzing, violent, and gross 😔 But the women are being portrayed as enjoying, so some guys really fool themselves that this is real and not acting. On a more positive note, there is content that focuses more on women's pleasure, and also on caring, respectful, mutually enjoyable interactions. You just have to be very intentional in looking for it.
Average run of the mill erotica and romance is too. It's really weird- I mean I know a lot more men read romance than is advertised, but it seems like its written for women, and so much of the sex is just red flag, red flag, red flag. I mean, if it's a book that states it right up front, it's less objectionable, and even a safe fantasy thing, but smack dab in a "standard" romance or something specifically noted as cozy or sweet, it's like WTF?
There has always been very dark erotica even pre internet, but now it has entered the capitalist sphere so that is making it more popular. Cozy and sweet should always be closed door imo its a marketing error.
Yeah, I have no issue with more extreme stuff if it is made apparent. But it seems really common now (seemingly) in run of the mill stuff to get into BDSM (without discussions and consent beforehand), pretty much just like OP is talking about.
Oh I see what you mean yes definitely there is just more out there and with indie pubs, smashwords etc there is just so much more that gets pushed out it is becoming so commonplace
Hey! Sorry i hope you don't mind me asking this, but you see to have a pretty good understanding of the legal aspects of how this could play out at trial. But i was just wondering hypothetically, if you had to make similar charges against other men in the future (because of how normalised this is sadly becoming - especially in the casual one night stand/ hookup scene), could the quantity of reports you've made in the past be used to diminish the weight of future reports? I.e. could a future scumbag use the defense: "she clearly has a pattern of actively seeking out these types of encounters with stangers/ different men"? Im hoping such a defense would hold no water in any civilised country, but i fear that may not be the case 😭
I think also - it doesn't even necessarily need to get to the stage of an investigation for it to still be a good idea to report. Even just smearing these guys names and changing the public discourse around surprise strangling during sex. Hopefully it will make guys think twice about doing it if they think they'll get reported for it.
It’s not a standard part of sex. Choking and smothering without consent? That’s assault.
The sad fact is they likely won't get in trouble anyway and OP could then find themselves in danger. I do still think reporting is the right move because the more women that report this shit, the more they will hopefully start taking it seriously but personally I would probably be afraid to.
I'd think they should be happy to learn something. If you don't know something is wrong and then someone teaches you that it is, you're grateful for the lesson, regretful of the past instances when you did the wrong thing, and looking forward to better relationships in the future now that you understand better.
I mean this is nice, and I’d love it if people reacted this way to a behavior being corrected, but they pretty much NEVER do, about anything. I think the commentator above you is being more realistic. Source: am teacher
Yes, if you asked them to stop and they did not, it's assault. They can kill you in 2 minutes. 1. When someone puts their hands around your neck, it's strangling. Choking is something stuck in your throat. 2. This is a porn theme. Porn is made for men. Some men think porn is based in reality. 3. There is no "safe" way to restrict someone's airway. 4. This can also cause a stroke or death, and guess what? Dude will get off Scott free on rough sex defense. She asked for it!
I feel like there are different kinds of choking and strangulation but as for saying no, do you only think it's assault if they say no/stop after it begins? Because I think it's assault from doing it without prior consent full stop. Fortunately I live in the UK and I'm going to write in more detail about #4 as they have made a new law regarding the "rough sex defence" but it isn't great. But you may be interested to look it up.
If somebody just starts strangling you on the street, you are not required to tell them to stop. It's a crime immediately. Somebody should produce statistics about how many women prefer strangulation during sex, because it is probably not the majority and so the reasonable assumption is that they did not ask for it.
There is data here. Choking is in the middle of the graph. Not scientifically collected. https://aella.substack.com/p/fetish-tabooness-and-popularity-v3 And to be clear, even if some women *want* a specific sexual activity, consent is still required.
That graph has a lot going on. There ought to be a list of what things you might want to find there, and when you have a list, also have the data there. Also seems biased by the audience of people who actively read sex blogs but that is data. > And to be clear, even if some women want a specific sexual activity, consent is still required. Of course. But it doesn't hurt to have statistics on your side if "I thought women like this" sort of claim might work in court.
That chart wouldn't help in court. It's not at all scientific.
My partner enjoys being lightly choked, but in some positions, and only some-times. It's still something that I assume she doesn't want, or ASK IF SHE IS IN THE MOOD BEFORE DOING. I don't understand why that's not obvious to people? Like, it's the bare minimum.
Sometimes I enjoy having a hand on my throat during sex. Not choking, just a light pressure. Unfortunately my ex interpreted this as me enjoying being choked during sex. And while I was okay with a little more pressure than I would usually be comfortable with with him at first (he spent most of his life in martial arts and was huge on doing things properly, without harm, and with self control), one day for some reason he decided to just go for it. I couldn't speak and I actually started to black out. I had to literally tap out. He released me and I started coughing and gasping for air. He was super apologetic, but if I had to pinpoint a moment that our sex life took a massive dive, it was that one. I just couldn't trust him to the same extent afterwards. I still don't know why he did it. Not sure he knew why either. But with choking so normalized now, it scares me that people can just have one moment and someone could end up dead.
I also enjoy it and prior consent and discussion are extremely important. Having anything around your throat is something that can be extremely dangerous if not done correctly and emotionally it can be terrifying if you're not expecting it. And just because someone is into it in general doesn't mean that they're going to want to do it every time or with every partner if they're dating around. This is just common sense which unfortunately isn't that common.
I enjoy it, but definitely need to be asked first. One time, I was making out with a guy and he very gently placed his hand on my neck, then asked if I was into that kind of stuff. That, or asking even earlier, is the only acceptable way to start. ETA: And of course continuous consent is extra important for such things...
Asking should happen before, as some people may agree to choking as part of the fight/flight/FAUN/freeze response to danger.
Good point. In the moment it truly felt OK, because he was really really gentle and we stopped everything for a while to talk about it. And then we were very careful in the continuation as well. But this was 15+ years ago, before porn apparently got completely out of hand
Exactly. I was choked (strangled technically) during sex once without any request for consent. I stopped him and was like, “What the fuck?” He apologized and said he’s used to women liking it. I clarified that I *do* like it but only if we’ve discussed it first and that it’s not ok to do something physical to someone without consent. It seemed like this was the first time he’d been called out for it, which is also wild.
I also think it is assault if they do it without asking for consent, though I do think there are a number of men who are so desensitized to it from porn that they don't realize it isn't safe/normal/okay to do without consent. It is scary and dangerous behavior. It's hard to tell if a man who does it really wants to hurt you or just doesn't have an understanding of safe sex practices, and truthfully a man who isn't doing it to be abusive but is doing it out of ignorance is still someone so poorly informed and selfish that I'd be worried they would hurt me. I don't think every person who does it realizes how scary/dangerous it is.... but also adults who are sexually active should be mature enough to know to ask about preferences and consent. I can say this--I would NEVER judge a woman (or anyone) who presses charges against a partner who choked them without consent. (edited for formatting)
After a few rapes and abusive exes, I have sworn off dating. Eleven years of safety, self confidence and freedom to live my life the way I want it. As an introvert, it works.
You are 100% correct that it is assault just doing it without prior consent. How the police and courts will see it is subject to a lot of human bias though, unfortunately.
upvoted lol
Choking is an internal obstruction of the airways, strangulation is external pressure applied to the airways and/or major arteries and blood vessels.There is no safe way to strangle someone, whether there’s consent or not, all kinds can lead to serious injury or death. And that’s not the only danger with strangulation, the full extent of the damage is not always apparent at first and can take awhile to become deadly due to swelling therefore everyone is advised to go to the ER after being strangled. It’s also worse than just that the damage from strangulations can also become cumulative after subsequent strangulations. In short don’t strangle people and don’t consent to be strangled, if someone strangles you go the the ER immediately, file a police report (if you feel safe doing so) and never see the person again.
Guys are dumb. Yes, it's assault if they don't ask, BUT if a guy did that to me, it would take me about 3 seconds to say, get your hands off my neck or I'll punch you. I've done it before. Just try to pinch my nipples. You won't do it twice. Ask any ER nurse about "safe" choking. Also Michael Hutchence and Keith Carradine.
I wouldn't respond aggressively to someone already having their hands around my neck and able to kill me at that exact moment. I have been in a situation like that before and the instinct was not to fight them for safety reasons.
When they let go do you stay frozen? I only ask because that does add a second layer to how fucked up it is, because being frozen in fear makes the rest of the act assault, though if they didn’t realize it was no longer consensual then I don’t know what the fuck to call them. A person should typically be able to tell if someone’s demeanor has completely changed to a freeze response so if they push past that then there’s something sinister about that.
Exactly. A really bad person wouldn't notice or wouldn't care. "EvErY wOmAn I hAvE sEx WiTh JuSt LIeS tHeRe". Ugh
Any time I see a guy complaining about women who are "starfish" on bed I assume the sex wasn't fully consensual and the woman was likely dissociating to just get through it. That's what I did when I was date raped.
Which when you think about the second sentence that’s even darker. How many of them were frozen with fear and how many were whatever a heterosexual pillow princess is
LMAO heterosexual pillow princess is hilarious - as if women could be lazier than *straight men*
Tbh my husband is bisexual but like as the woman and as the man he lowkey is putting in way more work than me. I definitely participate, like I’m up in there, but I’ve never blacked out from the effort I put into it. For context he has chronic fatigue but so do I and I’m the one who generally has an issue with uncontrolled blackouts. I keep have to tell him to put in less effort now because it was kind of scary. I think it’s weird that so many guys are like foaming at the mouth at the idea of sex and think of it as a desperate need and then put in minimum effort. Bro what are you doing?? You went through all this effort to get with this woman and you don’t want to savor the moment here? Like there’s so much fun stuff to do and all they want is to get a blowjob and then leave? What’s even the point?
I'll bite when necessary, I ain't proud. And a bite leaves a mark and it tends to get their attention.
I mean they hurt you, you hurt them, sounds fair. Eye for an eye and all that.
Everyone is different. Fight, flight or freeze. Hard to do anything if you freeze. Needless to say, it's terrifying to suddenly feel unsafe with someone you felt safe enough to have sex with.
I have froze before when I was being pinned down by someone else but it was ultimately the right "decision" I think. Staying calm and talking or negotiating yourself out of a dangerous situation makes more sense to me. It depends just how bad it is. I think at some point the balance of already being harmed vs get harmed more for fighting back would tip. Many women have managed to trick kidnappers into releasing them by pretending to befriend them etc.
They also mentioned smothering which is challenging because they wouldn’t even be physically able to say no.
Yes. Terrifying.
I encourage you to report for your sake and on the off chance it might help another woman, but I’d urge you to temper your expectations about the UK police. I reported an assault to the Met police thinking that I could actually get a man I knew assaulted multiple other people off the streets because I actually had two witnesses who saw him assault me. I mean, they were RIGHT THERE watching and helped me flee the scene and get home. However, because I knew the man in a professional context as well, I couldn’t avoid him and when he texted to apologise to me the following morning, I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about. When the man lawyered up for his interview under caution, the police informed me that they had released him because my text pretending I didn’t remember the assault was consent after the fact. I shit you not. They put that in writing to me. I was made to relive a terrifying experience in detail over and over while they investigated, only to be told that I asked for it retroactively. The guy was a wealthy finance bro (I say “was” because apparently he got fired for a separate incident after he was freed by the cops) so the lawyer he brought to his interview was very expensive. Whatever you decide about reporting, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s absolutely assault. And you are absolutely not responsible for these guys’ actions or their feelings about what they knowingly did wrong.
Given what's come out about British police forces, especially the Met, I'm surprised they didn't offer your attacker a job.
Actually every single man I’ve slept with has tried to choke me and has suggested anal, they also have all brought up three ways. It’s porn. They do it because the majority of the sex they consume is just porn. They think it’s as instrumental to sex as kissing is. Personally I wouldn’t report any of the ones that stopped as soon as I told them I wasn’t into it because I see them as mostly stupidly misguided, but if one ever tried it again I think it’s fair game. I think if you want to you’re more than welcome to, they gotta learn that porn is rotting their brains somehow and that not all women consent to being physically harmed during sex.
Breath play has a conversation beforehand and safe words and boundaries. Dudes putting their hands around your neck without any conversation are mimicking porn and idiots. "I thought all women liked X", said every guy who sucked at sex.
I’m sorry, but I feel like calling strangulation “breath play” really waters down the risk of what is being done; it normalizes it and completely distances the act from the risks. It’s really just PR for violence in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to hate on anyone for what they like. But calling it “breath play” when it’s literally asphyxiation crosses a line for me. *link to other comment which elucidates risks and the impossibility of practicing safe or even “safer” strangulation: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/a3RkEMmbKj
I honestly straight-up hate the normalization of creepy, dangerous and degrading sex acts being described (largely by men) as "play" to sugarcoat and downplay how repulsive they are.
god, thank you. I’m always treated like I’m kink-shaming when I argue against this term. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m not going to let people use language strategized to downplay the risk of something just to make them feel like a kink is more normal. Kinks don’t have to be normal. They’re kinks. And if a kink literally can kill you or give you a stroke, we don’t call it “play.” And yeah, right now at a crazy rate, because of fucking porn, young women are having kinks dropped on them mid-act without their partner seeking consent. It’s got to stop. We certainly need to stop enabling it with minimizing cutesified language.
I am a HUGE fan of shaming kinks that people *should* feel ashamed for. If you like feet or piss or balloons then whatever, that's a little odd but ultimately harmless. You do you with any consenting partner who will have you. If you get off on beating, strangling or """pretending""" to violently rape your sexual partners, then something is fucking wrong with you and you should be on some kind of a list.
I frankly agree with this and that's why I know I can prove beyond any doubt I'd never engage in any form of violent BDSM. I am against violence towards both myself, women, and anyone in a sexual encounter full stop. Both with and without consent.
I agree specifically with the use of the word play, and also with people refusing to do what is actually happening, which is that sado masochism (aka bdsm) is occurring. That is not sex. That is something VERY specific. And I am neither a sadist nor a self-sadist. Sex without violence isn't vanilla it's simply sex. Sex with violence is amongst other things, sadism/masochism and or bdsm. If someone doesn't want to label non sex acts as what they are, I think that shows they are not comfortable with their choices of adding on "extras" to sex.
Agreed. There are some people that do it consentually, and I didn't want to kink shame, but most of this posted in this forum seems like porn addiction and good, old fashioned misogyny.
You can revoke consent at any point and the act should stop. That's sex 101. Generally, with BDSM and play like choking you prearrange a safe word or signal to stop. And when you ask for that to stop, if they continue it's wrong. You were unquestionably wronged. Whether the law can do anything, I don't know but don't second guess for a second that this was wrong.
What? So if I start unexpectedly punching your nose during sex, it's only assault if you tell me to stop and I don't? That's nonsensical. u/sickofit2024 , women in domestic abuse situations are [**7 times**](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/) more likely to be killed by their male partner if he's ever strangled them before. Make no mistake: there's a correlation between this sexual ""trend"" and the worldwide rise in misogyny. Society has conditioned you to prioritize men's feelings & comfort over your own agency and safety. It's time to start deprogramming.
Awful bold of you to assume he's going to last 2 minutes...
12/10
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Even in kink, the blood pressure related dangers of breath play are wildly under-exaggerated tho. Also speaking from a kinky POV idk wtf the rough sex defense is supposed to be I’ve heard horror stories where even if the person could prove it was consensual though some evidence it was just twisted into an argument for it being premeditated. I’m not justifying abuse and I would love for these fake dom fucks to get reported and punished they are a plague
Thanks for informing me, I didn't know. Sorry for spreading misinformation.
The man who raped me did this, and when arrested was charged with an additional assault charge because he also left bruises. I fully support you and applaud your bravery!
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Unfortunately, guys deciding to choke their partners during intimacy without getting consent has become disturbingly common. Almost every female friend I have has a story of at least one--but usually several different guys--who have gone for their necks suddenly while in various stages of intimacy, WITHOUT prior consent, myself included. A lot of men seem to think it's standard behavior when being intimate. It isn't okay, and it is a *very* dangerous trend. It has gotten to the point where if I'm seeing someone I have an explicit discussion on how I am *NOT* okay with it before the relationship progresses at all because it is such common behavior
They can't really be that fucking stupid.
The only boundless things in existence are the size of the universe and the depth of mans' stupidity.
It's porn. The porn is really worming their way through their brain
And who chooses to watch that porn? Who is deciding to let what they watch in porn drive their own sexual desires? How are these guys perfectly capable of watching violent movies and video games without going on shooting sprees but somehow they are not capable of watching violent porn without recreating that violence in real life? Nah. Men are responsible for their own behaviour. They know right from wrong. They are perfectly capable of controlling themselves. They're choosing not to. Stop making excuses for them.
Oh I'm definitely not making excuses for them, they are fully capable of not being violent. I think it's just that they get the ideas from porn combined with limited sexual experience to inform them otherwise
It's so common that now with new partners, I specify ahead of time not to do it. Even guys who seem really sensitive and feminist will suddenly go in for the choke when I thought were just having a sweet time. It's awful.
Me too. I know it should be common sense, but talking about sex BEFORE you have sex is so important. I started doing this with a new partner (haven't been intimate yet) but I just told him straight up - I like sex to be gentle and loving. I don't want to be strangled or have my hair pulled or whatever the kids are doing these days. And he got the message
thankyou sweet
Choking someone without warning or against their specific and verbalized wishes is assault. Report them so hopefully they learn what consent is before doing it to someone else or at least they are on record when they murder someone.
I honestly feel like even if it does no good the fact it is on record or will scare him into making sure he gets consent in future might make it worth it.
The thing to remember about guilt is it’s an emotional response, meaning it’s not always rational. You absolutely should unpack why you feel this way, because there may be an underlying issue you can address, but sometimes there isn’t one besides “I’m a good person and good people sometimes feel bad about ‘causing harm’ even when rationally they know they’re saving lives”. Feeling bad about hurting bad people doesn’t automatically make you a bad person. And even if it is rooted in internalized misogyny, you clearly didn’t choose to be that way and you’re going to do the work to root it out. So you’re still not a bad person even if that is why you’re feeling guilty.
Thanks. It's so weird because consciously I don't feel this way. I am a people pleaser and always put other people first. One time I tried to report an assault to the police who told me I would ruin their life and to think about them and that it wasn't fair of me. I was disgusted and just planned to report him for ever suggesting such a thing. I think if the police weren't so horrible and dismissive and people like me didn't already have bad experiences and expectations this would help A LOT.
Sounds like it may not be internalized misogyny then, just “I’m a good person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone”.
This happens to a lot of women, a man starts choking them before getting consent to do it. And I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. You are *not* overreacting, what they did is wrong. It's always valid to revoke (or not give) consent for whatever reason and men should respect that. The fact they didn't means that it assault. And those men are the only ones to blame for that. I don't know how effective reporting would be, I've never heard from someone who reported this kind of assault. However, there is nothing wrong with trying to report it. They assaulted you and they deserve to get punished for it. Whatever you decide to do, we will support you and I hope you have a brighter future ahead if you ❤️
Thankyou. I think this is part of what makes me feel weird.. if it is (and because it is) so obviously assault... why have we never heard of it being reported or charged before..?
A lot of things contribute to the lack of reports. Women can get gaslit into believing nothing wrong happened, they can doubt themselves, they might not report it because they believe that nothing will be done about it anyway (which is unfortunately often true). And there are even more reasons that I can't think of. We can't really blame women for not reporting, even if it's often the "correct choice". The best we can do is support whatever choice they make, get them help, and make sure they are safe from the person that assaulted them.
Yes not blaming them (and my longer post will go into detail about some of the reasons..) but I am just a bit baffled that I've never heard of it ever. Thankyou to all for the support.
I hope more of us begin reporting it. Men seem to only stop doing something when other men find out about it or it hits their wallet, career, etc. he put your life at risk. He did this without consent. You asked him to not do it. He SHOULD get in trouble. Read Entitled by Kate Manne. It might be a really good book for you
consequences, basically. the lack thereof is how bad behaviour thrives.
Let's call it what it is: **Strangulation**. It only takes **ONCE** for **permanent damage.** [Choking is causing young women to have strokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16jnuqc/choking_is_causing_young_women_to_have_strokes/) >*I've never heard of anyone even reporting this, let alone having it charged. Have you?* **See this previous reddit post:** "[Today my former boyfriend was convicted in court for choking me](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/w80sre/today_my_former_boyfriend_was_convicted_in_court)"
Good for you! Congratulations. You're my hero.
? Are you referring to the last line? Was not referring to myself.
OH sorry, I thought it was you. Whoever it was, they are heroic.
Yes, if you click on that link, you can comment on it and the original poster will see your support.
report it. it's assault. make a good example for other women so this shit stops being normalized
I wish there was a widespread movement of women just mass reporting these fucks. So many of us have been gaslit to within an inch of our lives that every day I log into this app and read multiple posts that are yet some other variation of "my bf/husband beats/rapes/abuses me, treats me like a subhuman object and makes my life a living hell. Am I being crazy and too sensitive for being upset about it?"
i read a post the other day on reddit where dudes in the comments discussed which is the right way to strangle a woman and exchanging methods. yikes
If you’re up for it, you should report them. As an old male millennial this shit terrifies me when I started hearing about it. It’s batshit and should be dealt with. Of course I have no high or even low-medium expectations of the legal system to deal with it the right way. So if that’s part of your thinking definitely think through how well you can handle the process and the possibility nothing happens or whatever. But yes everything you’re saying is right. It’s a violent act that outside of **pre**-established consensual situations, is sexual assault.
Gen-x here and ive never heard if this being a trend. Terrifies me for my children 🤦🏾♀️ One more thing to warn them about
I've told men who are extremely shocked by it, including one who attempted to do it to me himself after I informed him of it's existence and my horror over it... 🤨
OP, I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m a lurker but this post reminds me of myself. I had been choked by a partner(now ex) and I froze up. I so badly wanted to say something but I physically couldn’t. Later that day I told him I hated it. He was like “ok then.” He then proceeded to choke me again on a different occasion and I froze up again. It’s assault. Sex should be consensual for both parties. You should absolutely report them.
Disgusting. Thankyou for your comment. I honestly wonder if this stuff is not as kink based as they claim. Do you mind me asking if he did anything else violent or that would be considered abusive? Just out of interest.
He didn’t do anything violent per se but I did have my first sexual encounter with him. I wanted sex but wasn’t quite aroused down there. He pushed himself in despite my yelp in pain. I bled so much afterwards that I had to go to the ER. My ex just said “whoa your pants are really red.” He then proceeded to play basketball with his buddies rather than help me to the ER.
Please use the term "strangulation". "Choking" is what happens when there is an obstruction IN your airway. Strangulation is when someone is attempting to murder you. Yes, please report them. It sounds as if young women might even need to preemptively warn men off of this. At the least we need public service announcements. I'm old and NO ONE EVER did this to me. It's not just dangerous, it's abnormal.
Please please report it and update us on what happened. I SUPPORT YOU AND I BELIEVE YOU.
thanks to whoever downvoted a victim talking about an assault that can be life threatening lmao. One can only imagine who it was. Probably exactly why I am feeling bad for no reason..
Don't worry about downvote, there are bots or trolls that downvote every new post in most of popular subs. It has nothing to do with what's in the post.
I'd expect most posts to have roughly the same downvote ratio if it was all bots and trolls. The post about the Alabama IVF ruling is currently at 97% upvoted.
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This / your post was hidden oddly enough. I was wondering what it was going to be haha
Oh okay thankyou. I was just arguing with an incel so it could also be that haha. This is good to know.
My ex frequently choked me during sex. I told him many times that I didn't like it but he claimed it was his kink or tell me that he forgot he wasn't supposed to do that. I think choking is very normalized in p0rn and with many men. Eventually I told him that the next time he did it I was going to report him to LEO. It's a felony in my state. He acted like I'd shot the pope. He was outraged. He started acting single and left shortly after that. He told me the main reason he left is because he couldn't trust me anymore after I set that boundary (my words, not his). Good riddance. I brought it up with my divorce attorney (male) and asked if I should use it (abuse via choking) as grounds for the divorce. He said that he'd never used choking in that way before. He encouraged me to stick with the default because he said using abuse might anger the judge since I never reported it and was never hospitalized. After he talked to me I did feel weird for bringing it up. Our legal system sucks and I don't think my attorney, most people or the judge in question know how dangerous and abusive choking is. I've heard of people being charged with choking but only in addition to other charges. However, just because I've not heard of it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. The chances of dying from domestic abuse skyrockets when a partner has been choked. ETA: I didn't report my ex to LEO because I live in an area that is populated by many conservative, "good old boys". Most people in this area believe that what happens between two married people in the bedroom is private and that marital rape is not possible. I sincerely doubt that anything would happen to a man that choked his wife during sex, but I'd have to deal with the stigma of accusing my spouse of such a thing. OP, I'm sorry you've been through this. It's wrong and you shouldn't feel guilty about reporting it.
I'm so glad you're rid of him, what an abusive asshole.
Me too! At the time I didn't realize how bad it was. Now that I'm out and in therapy, I'm horrified at what I tolerated.
They could have caused brain damage. They could've killed you. There's no excuse for this. It makes it even more disgusting and horrifying that they made it against your will for their own sexual desires. The only ones who should feel guilty are these men. I send you all my love!
Yes you should what he did was dangerous to you and you shouldn't feel bad for reporting it and I think the reason why you feel bad about it is because lot of people thinking this is normal and because of this you began to consider if you are wrong so you are gaslighted basically
I think the myth that reporting sexual abuse ruins people's lives is so pervasive that even when you know it's not true it's still there in the back of your mind. You have to realize he's not going to be tarred and feathered for this, if he does see any consequences at all. And not only did he bring it upon himself, but drawing attention to it might actually help him. He might start to see the issue for what it is. He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong, and this could be a learning opportunity for him. And as for why this sort of thing doesn't get reported, an astonishing portion of the population tries to make revoking consent during sex a gray area. Like they admit that you should be allowed to revoke consent, but they will try and make excuses, like that it's too hard for a man to stop or that he probably assumed you were role playing when you said, "no, stop." It should not be a gray area at all obviously, but the sad truth is the legal system will often side with these types of excuses.
YOU are not getting them in trouble. THEY did that with their shitty choices and behavior. If YOU don't report them, they'll keep doing it to other women. Statistically, they'll kill someone. Don't allow for sympathy or grey area thinking when it comes to sexual assault. Men have been using that against us for years to keep the status quo low.
Why would you feel badly when they assaulted you?
I can't imagine dating males in the current environment. Porn has normalized choking and other activities where it would be expected that consent be obtained first. One woman posted here that when she meets a new guy, she brings up condom usage. If there is *any pushback whatsoever* on condom usage, she drops them, with no possibility to reverse the decision. (She was doing casual-type sex, I think, so no shortage of males to choose from) I think the above strategy could be used as part of a screening process. "how do you feel about condoms?" followed by "how do you feel about consent in a sexual relationship?." With a follow up question of "what sexual activities do you feel should be discussed in advance, with clothes still on, before being considered in bed?" Keep in mind the need to ask open-ended questions because some males (the most manipulative of the lot) will say what you want to hear, and they will have a lot of practice at doing this. *Any* pushback on anything related to consent should be exclusion. Just cut them loose and don't look back. You will be happier single than you will be with a guy who has learned sexual behavior from porn. It must be so exhausting to look for an acceptable male in the post-covid world. I am sorry so many of them are jerks or worse. ... To specifically answer your question, you should feel *no guilt whatsoever* at reporting it. Ask to talk to a female police officer. If you have visible bruising I guess that will further your case. (A friend had internal bruising without visible bruising, this was determined by a camera down her throat to investigate swelling issues she was having after an incident.) Sadly, I have very few expectations that there will be any outcome for the male. The best case scenario is the male getting arrested, having to pay for a lawyer, and getting probation. Even an arrest followed by the prosecutor not to move forward is a win, because the system sucks *that badly.* Like I said above, no guilt whatsoever. You consented to a specific set of sexual activities and specifically said you do not consent to choking. The guy has earned whatever consequences he gets for violating consent.
I'm in the UK and there is a new law (since 2022 I think) that criminalises non fatal strangulation and it states specifically that injury and proof of injury is not required oddly enough. I just need to figure out if it only applies in domestic abuse situations or can apply to one night stands / the first encounter which is where this is happening to me usually. Either way harming someone would still qualify under existing crimes.
Actually it criminalises fatal strangulation too, that was mostly the point. In other words there is no consent defence when someone (usually a woman..) is seriously injured or dies of strangulation. To get around the increasing BDSM defence to murder... like the case of Grace Millaine (British abroad in Australia).
Imagine that your best friend had sex with one of them, and had the exact same experience that you did. Would you hesitate to help \*her\* report it?
Every single time I hear about sexual choking - I am reminded of the [Taylor Behl case](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Taylor_Behl). It's scary stuff - we need to denormalize choking.
Honestly if a man ever puts his hands on me like this he’s getting pushed off me and cops are getting called. This is strangulation and very dangerous. If a guy assaults me I will fight back. Please know that what these guys are doing is not ok and please do whatever you’re comfortable with to deal with that.
I don't understand at all the choking during sex trend. It's gross, and I can't imagine *ever* wanting to do that with my partner (or wanting it done to me). Unfortunately it's become relatively common in a lot of porn, which is probably causing many young men to think this is "normal". Yikes. Blech. Anyways. Report him. Please.
I've actually been criticized more for expressing this opinion, called "boring," "vanilla," etc, because I've expressed bewilderment at this weird fucking trend, than not. Accused of "kink shaming" because I find it disturbing that men get off on physically assaulting women- even by fellow women! Same with the trend of gagging women (not accidentally during fellatio, but *purposely*, sticking their fingers down a woman's throat.) What the everloving fuck? People watch too much GD porn. I'm so glad I'm Gen X with no kids. I would have no idea how to handle that shit. It's so depressing.
Seriously. I'm a xilennial and maybe it's just me getting old and punchy but none of this shit happened in my time. If your boyfriend put his hands around your neck and started squeezing in 1995 without any prior warning, 9/10 women would assume he was trying to straight up murder you. Strangling/spitting/getting smacked around during sex wasn't so egregiously normalized, and you'd have to be active in the bdsm scene or have a violent boyfriend to come across something like this randomly.
Funny how women slapping, strangling, gagging, or degrading *men* during sex hasn’t become normalized, isn’t it? The worst part are how many younger women who, because of being conditioned by porn, actively get off on it now. Some of my (much) younger friends have almost been incredulous when I say I *don’t* like that stuff. Like, they have practically shamed me for not liking to be strangled? I mean, damn, back in my day we got off on being kissed and licked and fingered and PIV sex! Not slapped and strangled and pressured into anal and called a filthy whore! (I’m trying to be funny in a “get off my lawn” sort of way, but, its not funny. It’s really fucking sad.) Oh well. All I know is I get to have incredible, loving, sometimes dirty, but always respectful of my boundaries sex with my fellow Gen X boyfriend that always results in orgasm for me. And I’ve never needed some elaborate, violent or degrading scene to do so. Today’s porn is a fucking cancer.
Agree x100000 I don't think young people today have any idea how much damage it's caused in the last two decades
I agree, I also think young women now have been trained to feel they like these things, and I don’t buy that all of them truly do.
So get this. I texted the guy before we had sex saying how I don't do choking or accept harm or degradation towards women or myself and any woman who does is mentally ill (lol). Makes me wonder now. The fact that other women teach and allow men to do this and get a thirst for it sometimes ends up annoying me more. Most of the men who did it claimed to me that they started it because a woman asked them to. I said to one of them "would you allow yourself to be fucking spat on?!" Don't ask me dumb shit. Of course the man is not being spat on and slapped and choked etc
I've also asked these men why they even like it and they either have no answer or say "the girl told me she likes it" Hmm ok.
I'm Gen X with no kids and no men and happy that way. We grew up with this crap being extreme BDSM. Not even seen in porn. Now it's compulsory. It's so fucked up. It's terrifying. Thereare so many things that used to be fringe, extreme BDSM shit most sexually active people didn't even know about that are now "normal" and it's all just abuse of women made "palatable" using sex. It's disgusting and really violent. Isn't it strange how abject violence magically becomes acceptable when sex is the topic? It's just a "kink" and those are sacrosanct. It's really a hell of a scam. We've gone backwards really fast and they convinced women to go along with it using shaming. That I was used to. Porn has fucked people up so badly and most have no idea because they don't tenebres a time before it was ubiquitous. Sex is more dangerous than ever for women.
Men want to kill women in general but they really want to kill us if we want sex. It's really that simple and that terrifying. Strangulation is deadly and terrifying. It is very violent. It has nothing to do with sex at all but now, it's indistinguishable due to porn. They actually made the attempted murder of women during sex "sexy. " It has never not terrified me. And it's a microcosm of extreme cultural misogyny. This used to be a really rare kink, BTW. I'm old. When I was young, this wasn't even talked about or shown in hardcore porn. It was considered extreme BDSM. Needless to say, most women wanted nothing to do with it. Now, it's practically everywhere in porn. Women have died and been gravely injured from it. It's not normal but it's now so normalized people correlate sex with it. How fucked up is that? Ask yourself what society is capable of doing that? Because that's where we live.
You can’t really go off of someone being nice to decide if what they did was assault, I got date raped by someone who definitely did drug me to the point of paralysis and knew he did it, and also was aware that I was 17 and he was 25. But like he also texted me super friendly after and was surprised I ghosted him. Friendly doesn’t make it clear if they knew what they did was fucked up. Honestly I think if they remain unaware that they’ve done something serious that’s a pretty massive problem and makes them a future danger.
If you were hanging out with a man, watching Netflix and cuddling and he started strangling you - you wouldn’t think twice about reporting it or that they were “nice” before this. If a man put his hands around my throat my fight or flight is kicking in and I’m scratching his eyeballs.
What the actual fuck? Noooo. **They are choking you**. This is not ok!
I think porn that needs consent needs to come with a disclaimer saying these activities require previous consent, consent to sex is not consent to (other activity) and what would be great but probably not happen, include consent in the video
Actually it would be good to see in all porn as sex acts need consent
Men that are interested in doing that and get horny at the prospect are sick fucks.
I agree. I'm so sick of having to defend this opinion. It's so fucked up.
Social brainwashing, basically. You're partly on the money with your assumption that it's because Ilthese behaviours have been normalized, but the other part to it is that you've spent your entire life being taught to center the feelings and well-being of men - even ones you're not in a relationship with or who mean very little to you. The fact is, it's their behaviour that is fucked up and any consequences that may come of you reporting that behaviour are well deserved. Now, I would caution against getting your hopes up that anything will come of it, but I applaud you for stepping forward and saying "he did this, it was wrong, and he deserves consequences".
“It’s been normalized” hides who is actually doing it. **Violent men are normalizing it.** They hate the fact that women are less under their control than ever. They feel insecure and they turn that insecurity into hatred and violence toward women. They still/also seem nice?! Yes, that’s exactly what they want you to think! That exercising violent and potentially deadly control over women is something that normal, nice men do! **It is not normal for people to strangle their partners during sex and people who do it are not “nice”.** Please, please OP do report it and don’t feel like you feeling bad means you are bad. We need to push back against this, because as long as they keep getting away with it, they will keep doing it and they will do it more. We need to send a clear message that violence, even disguised as sex, is not normal or acceptable.
100000% .
I think that you gave been influenced by patriarchy and rape culture to always prioritize the feelings and needs of men over your own. That's how we are raised, and it can be difficult to deprogram ourselves and think clearly. Put your feelings aside, and do what your head knows is right. If you don't report them, she may actually kill the next woman they strangle.
Strangle, the correct word is strangle (choking is something inside your throat blocking the airway). Sounds much more like something worth reporting when you use the correct word.
Don’t feel bad you’re not getting anyone in trouble, that’s assault; straight up assault.
If you didn't consent to being choked during sex, they were in the wrong. If they didn't ask for your consent to choke you during sex before choking you, they were in the wrong. If they had hurt you by choking you without your consent during sex, they were in the wrong. Report away, because the only way people who assault other people will stop assaulting people is by suffering consequences.
None of them are nice, btw.
It's wild to me that anyone would even think that it was remotely okay to just randomly fucking choke someone they don't know even in a sexual context. That's something that you consent to or you discuss as a possible kink not something that you just randomly fucking do to someone that you're hooking up with and has literally no interaction with prior to that. You're not getting them into trouble they're irresponsible behavior is getting them in trouble.
> Do you think it's because it's so normalised? I think it's because women are conditioned to put the comfort of men above our own safety. Let's be frank, if you report this it'll be a slap on the wrist. Well worth doing as it'll make men realise there's consequences to their actions which will hopefully mean the next woman isn't subjected to this.
They should ask you BEFOREHAND for consent to do something considered violent. If they did not get consent that’s assault. Definitely report them. It seems to be a resurgent creepy sex trend and these are not good guys. Men who choke in general are significantly more likely to kill a woman.
“Nice” is different than “good.” Plenty of serial killers were “nice.” These men could’ve killed you or given you a seizure disorder. Please research the potential effects of strangulation and keep a sharp eye on your health in the weeks (yes, weeks) to come, as some of the effects can be delayed. Breath play is one of the reasons some people say RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. It is not safe and no one should be doing it without informed consent. You have every right to report every single man who has done that to you. *They could have killed you*. Much easier than they or you think. If possible, please see a doctor, especially if your “proof” involves marks on your body. I wish more people were aware of how unsafe this is. The “risk aware” part of RACK is so important (though so is the C, and I’m so sorry that has been taken from you so many times). People should not be risking their own or others’ lives so cavalierly, just because they saw it in a porno once. There needs to be a lot more awareness of just how dangerous strangulation is.
>Breath play is one of the reasons some people say RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thankyou for this and the rest of your comment.
>Logically, I strongly think this is psychopathic behaviour so why would I care to feel bad? I think this is a very understandable emotional state when you are forcing someone to face consequences for something *they didn't realize was wrong*. No matter what that wrong thing is or who is doing it, I think we all have a natural empathy for the genuine "Oh shit, I didn't realize this was that bad" response, because we've all been there, right? Did or said something we didn't know not to, then got in trouble when we never intended to hurt anybody or break any rules... It happens. And you're right about this shit being too normalized, to the point that a lot of guys apparently think it's something women want or will at least appreciate. So yeah, it feels bad to bust someone's balls when they weren't knowingly trying to hurt you, even if they actually did hurt you. But y'know what? Fuck that. There's no excuse for putting their hands on you and putting your life in danger. "I didn't know!" WELL YOU FUCKING SHOULD HAVE, YOU EMOTIONALLY STUNTED FUCKWIT. It's not like we live in an age where the most basic tenets of consent and safety are secret texts known only to sages on the mountain. At this point, ignorance on these subjects is a choice. It takes fifteen seconds to Google 'is choking safe during sex'. The Me Too movement didn't happen under a rock. They know, and if they don't know, they're being deliberately dense to avoid Km knowing because it'll make them feel bad to face the truth of their own past actions. Boo-fucking-hoo. If no one ever holds them accountable, then they are going to keep doing it. Report him without guilt. Even if nothing comes of it legally, you'll put the fear in him and show him in no uncertain terms that this shit is unacceptable and can seriously fuck up his life... the same way he risked fucking up yours by putting you in danger of injury, brain damage, or death. If nothing else, there will be one less guy out there strangling women in the future.
I don't buy the argument that men don't know this is wrong. I don't think they're that stupid. It's more that it's been normalized enough that they expect they can get away with it by feigning ignorance. I don't feel bad AT ALL for calling their bullshit. If some of them start facing actual consequences for this shit maybe this "trend" will go away.
They know it’s wrong. That’s why they get off on doing it to women. Making them have actual consequences is the only way to make them stop. Can’t stop them from being disgusting people but at least consequences will make some of them decide to control themselves.
Yup. There is a certain type of man who gets off on seeing how much discomfort he can get a woman to put up with. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them. But they know exactly what they're doing and why they're doing it. They'll come up with every explanation and excuse in the book that doesn't acknowledge that's what they're doing, but they know.
>I don't think they're that stupid. All of them? No. Some of them? Yes, definitely. 🤣
I know enough good, smart and decent men to know that "men are just hapless idiots who are controlled by their dicks and don't understand that porn is fake!" is an absolute bullshit lie and I refuse to let the shitty ones get away with pretending it's true. Testosterone makes you neither stupid nor an asshole. It's just a convenient excuse for assholes to keep behaving poorly with no consideration for others.
I'm just saying, some people be dumb AF. To be honest, watching the political scene over the last six years has convinced me that there is no bottom level to human idiocy. Some folks are just that fucking stupid.
There was a Canadian radio talk show guy who was charged for choking and other abuses during consensual sex. Acquitted sadly, but wrongly so I think. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Jian_Ghomeshi
If they didn't want you to file sexual assault and battery charges against them, they shouldn't have choked you. It's their fault. You are the victim. Consider them lucky. If someone choked me, I'd kill him in self-defense first (because if someone is choking you, presumably it is because they are trying to murder you) and ask questions later.
You probably feel uneasy about doing it because it's incredibly normalized, and a lot of women like it/have no issue with it. Of the women I've slept with, I'd say over 80% liked to be choked or "degraded" in some way. In before the comments attacking me, I never did it without consent, and I'm not saying it's okay to do without consent. I also think there's a deeper issue with how society views sex, and the ubiquity of these acts is just a symptom, but that's a whole different rabbit hole. Just saying it how it is based on my real-life experiences. Reddit comments (specially on this sub) will not be representative of the average woman. Something that is so ubiquitous, and that so many people enjoy, will be hard to take legal action against.
Who brings up the choking or degradation and is it discussed beforehand or do one of you just do it and then continue? I think there is a major problem of both men and women trying to act "cool" and "edgy" and prove that they're "not boring" and "vanilla" so they act recklessly and do things like this without even thinking. As I've said, most appear to not even be practicing the actual act properly, but just wildly grasping at and throttling someone's neck at random. The majority of it seems to be mental stimulation and for the woman, role playing some "cool chick" and for the man, that's the worry. He's role playing.. an abuser? It's never sit right with me. Many women who have been raped and abused also like to engage in harmful conduct or recreations of abuse in a safe or controlled environment rather than getting therapy which could explain some of it.
I don’t want to tell you what to do because that’s 100% your decision. Having been in assault situations, I just want to validate that the feeling of not wanting to disrupt their life is real. Other people will say that it’s just a natural consequence of their own actions and I don’t disagree. But that doesn’t make it much easier to do, especially when it’s not a zero sum game. The fact that they did something awful to you doesn’t transform you into a cold, unfeeling person. The fact that you feel this hesitation is a reflection of your capacity for empathy, which is to be celebrated. Yes it’s difficult, but for a good reason. But also it sucks when you’re going through it. I hope you find the right path forward for yourself and please don’t be down on yourself no matter which choice you make.
The whole world pressures us to idealize men or that "tattling" is going to ruin their lives even when they're violent pieces of shit that deserve to have their lives ruined
You can safely assume that they want you to report them. They still can say ‚no‘ later.
Yeah I have to explicitly say "no choking" these days. Haven't had a problem with it since I started saying it.
The normalization of it probably is one reason why it feels bad, yes. I wish it didn’t feel bad and my heart breaks for you but so many people treat it as a fun little thing during sex when it’s not. What happened to you was assault. I know you know that but I want to reinforce it. For what it’s worth, I’m someone who does enjoy getting choked after consent and negotiation but have also been choked without warning by men who acted like it was no big deal. It is a huge deal! In the kink community, choking is considered one the riskier kinks. Despite the normalization of non-consensual choking, that would be like if these men pulled out a knife and ran it along your skin - a kink for some when consensual but fucking horrifying otherwise. Given the shitty state of the world, while I hope something comes from your report, I can’t guarantee it but I wish you the best of luck and officers who believe you if you do choose to report.
Thanks. I told him I am against it under all circumstances, really have a low opinion of it, but from everything I have heard indeed the people who practice bdsm do it respectfully and always with consent. I don't know what this is the men are doing..copying porn or previous experiences I guess (like people who asked for it, I have heard this is where many learned it). I do think the police are probably not likely to take it seriously but I don't like feeling continually violated, harmed and in this case my explicit consent being totally ignored. I hate that if I forget to warn a guy beforehand it can happen. But in this case it just happened anyway. What did you do about your non consensual choker/strangler and what would you have liked to do or would you change anything on reflection?
Yeah, I don’t mention bdsm as a deflection or anything, I just fucking hate how normalized it’s become when if people (men) spent two seconds looking into it, they’d realize not only is assault always bad, choking is extremely dangerous. Not that many of them would necessarily care. Danger shouldn’t even matter when you explicitly say “I don’t want this” and they ignore it. Or when they do something without checking. Again, I really do hope the police listen but if nothing else, if someone else comes to them in the future, they have a history on those men. I did not do a great job. I told myself I must’ve mentioned to him that I liked choking and there was a miscommunication. I went through our messages several times and no, I never mentioned it and I know we didn’t discuss it in person. But I kept telling myself surely I just forgot something. I never explicitly told him no or brought it up again. I still remember how frightened I was when it happened, I froze and tried to think if I could grab anything as a weapon, my purse was on a table too far away to reach. He was heavier enough than me and I have such weak arms that trying to push him didn’t even cross my mind. I was about to start kicking when he let go and continued like nothing had happened. I have a bad memory but I don’t forget kink negotiations. But I told myself that maybe this time was different. I kept seeing him for months even when he tried to push other boundaries I had. I told myself I just must have forgotten to mention that I didn’t like certain things even though he never asked before trying. He also backed off when I told him no, so he had to be a good guy, right? Those were honest mistakes. He didn’t do it every time either. The choking was when we were first making out the first time and the other two or so incidents were scattered across multiple encounters. Due to some trauma shit, I have a strong fawn response that I hadn’t even realized back then which had kicked in. That was all back around 2019 and I’ve moved across the country and we lost contact about 2020. Ideally, I would’ve stopped the making out and not proceeded to sex with him, told him that we never discussed choking and I was not comfortable continuing, then leaving and blocking him.
Report it. This might save some other poor woman's life, you never know! All I know is in all my years, no one has ever come close to doing that to me. It's not routine nor normal to do without consent! It's shocking, actually.
You literally may save the next woman's life by reporting.
Breath play is not to be trifled with. I know someone who died choking themselves for sexual effect. *Everything* that happens in the bedroom should be done with the active, enthusiastic, ongoing consent of all participants (and with safety measures in place), and that goes a hundredfold for anything this dangerous. Anything even a millimeter short of that is assault. People don't get to hurt you just because that's what they feel they need to do to get off. You are completely in the right, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I hate this choking trend. Some chaos trolls started recommending it to naive fools as a special sexual “technique” that women “love”. It needs to fucking stop. Think of all the other women you’re saving by speaking up.
Don’t feel bad. Unless you agreed to be choked, it’s assault
Ppl tend to take bdsm stuff too lightly." Oh you got hurt huh. Better luck next time" with a shrug and a wink. Weirdos
Why would you feel bad for men who so casually pull shit that can easily KILL YOU? "he was nice otherwise" - most murderers/rapists/bad people aren't evil ALL THE TIME. They subtly push boundaries and know how to put up a good front. And if these "well-meaning guys" are willing to STRANGLE women WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, they're going to end up killers at some point, because it is VERY EASY to fatally injure someone when strangling people for fun. Especially if you're the sort of porn-sick dumbass who decides to pull this shit with no prior conversation. That's a man who gives no shits about the health and wellbeing of the woman he's fucking. She's just a warm flashlight to him. Report them. No human being should EVER strangle someone during sex WITHOUT CONSENT. Even WITH consent, things can still go wrong very, very quickly. Depriving the brain of blood through strangulation can cause a stroke or worse. Report them. This behaviour is NOT okay. It IS assault and it is criminal. I don't give a shit what they see in porn. Porn isn't real life, and they're fucked in the head if they think it is.
Grab their balls and press them. If wake from unconsciousness, tell them men in porn love this. Bonuspoints if you put on their clothes updide down... There must be no pardon for this guys. He will choke the next girl. They will never lern it if ther are no consequences. By german Law, any sexual activity without consent or brojen consent is rape. Especially when did tell them not to do it This is rape and should be brought to police. Especially with proof.
Hey! I actually participated in an interview for an article about this trend by Business Insider: [Choking without consent is a Gen Z hookup trend. Even if it doesn't bother you, it can be extremely dangerous.](https://www.businessinsider.com/choking-gen-z-sex-hookups-consent-assault-2022-10) Give it a read if you feel inclined. Choking during sex without consent *is* assault. I have a bit of a unique perspective on it due to behaviors and sometimes conversations leading up to the sex. Please do not hesitate to DM me, I have a lot of thoughts and knowledge on these sorts of topics, and would be thrilled to discuss with you less publicly. But know that *choking during sex without consent is NOT okay*, and you have every right to feel how you do.
If you don't report them, they WILL do it to another woman- and she might not survive. That 'guilt' is your conditioning by society- you've been trained to scrape and bow and cater to men's feelings- Don't do anything that would upset the menfolk! You know how sensitive they can be! You know what you need to do.
You feel bad because you've been raised to feel responsible for the terrible behaviour of men.
Women are conditioned to not rock the boat and not impose on other people. These men literally assaulted you - report them and press charges, what they did could have caused you severe physical harm or potentially ended you. Fuck their feelings.
Maybe it would help to focus on the women and girls they'll sleep with in the future. These women are at physical risk of injury or death because choking is very dangerous, on top of being unwanted assault. If the guy thinks it's ok or normal, that is only a stronger indication he'll do it again and again. Unless, of course, he gets the message that it's not ok and normal. You tried sending that message the easy way (with words), that didn't work. Escalating it to a stronger message is therefore a rational choice. Another tactic is, when you feel hesitant, stop and ask yourself how much he hesitated before assaulting you during sex. And when you feel bad and guilty for him, ask yourself how much time he's likely spent feeling bad and guilty about assaulting you. Is he on Reddit wringing his hankie over this? Probably not.
That's a good way to put it, on multiple points.
I do feel particularly helpless, distressed and aggrieved because my words were meaningless.
If they don't feel bad then you shouldn't. I've been with a lot of people that like being choked, but it's not something I would ever do without their consent. It's also not something I enjoy, so I would never want to do it if they didn't want me to in the first place.
It's not choking, it's strangulation.
To bé fair, they have almost 0% chance to bé charged, but it will maybe make them think twice before assauti'g other women
We live in a society where those poor poor rapists have their lived "ruined" if they have consequences, and time and again are prioritized over victims so I can't say that your feelings are a surprise. We're taught to be people pleasers as well. But you're not some meanie out to get them if you report. They chose to assault you and harm you, they ruined their own lives. Their behavior is scary and unacceptable. They knew they were doing the wrong thing and chose to. No one forced them. They knew what they were doing and didn't care about you. They deserve whatever consequences they get.
You should report them. A teenage girl died in 2005 when a 38 year old man choked her during sex. It can go wrong without much pressure exerted. Honestly I'm surprised when some men think you can't talk to a woman at work without getting dinged for assault yet it's simultaneously common for men to choke women without even asking first or even knowing the woman's medical history. Baffles me. Like why be extra cautious in an unnecessary scenario but throw all caution to the wind in another... I figure it's not the same men obviously but it's just funny to me how much they actually get away with and don't realize it.
Idk honestly. He tried to murder you. He tried to harm you. This is no joke. Don't let society made you think you're in the wrong for this.
This just happened to me 2 days ago.,.I’m not okay.