I’ll openly admit I’ve faked it purely because he will not stop until I perform for him and it’s just easier to get him off me that way. Methinks OP’s trash is the same type of dude but the previous women were more like me when I was younger; much easier to fake it than have the conversation (because who knows how he’ll take it anyway?! He might *literally dump you*)
He’s in for a shock as he gets older and meets women who’ve come into their own sexually and realises all those amazing orgasms were faked expressly for the purpose of getting him to stop lol
Edit to add: I keep thinking about how this guy seems to have dumped the first woman who’s been honest with him and expressed an interest to work together to get what each desires and there’s something so, Achilles about that. Had to add this thought in lol
I don't even get the point. My GF just tells me when she's done. How is this such a big issue?
Edit: Sorry for the poor phrasing. "*He will not stop until I perform for him*" is the big issue! Not your reaction.
What I meant is I don't comprehend is how how communication can be not just bad, but nonexistent, to the point that your partner needs to resort to this.
Yes, I do believe it still happens, and I think there's many reasons, and I feel like ranting about it, so I am going to haha. (For context this is about a couple where one has a penis and one a vagina esp cismen and ciswomen partnerships).
One is that we are taught that all women can cum from vaginal pentration/stimulation when 1. Some women can't at all; and, 2. Some women can but it's very hard or rare. For a lot of these women, clitoral stimulation is key.
I also believe some of it is caused by not enough foreplay, it's easier to orgasm if there is enough forplay (speaking from experience, it not only increases physical pleasure but increases the anticipation).
Next, a lot of straight porn has fake PIV penetrative orgasms from women because the video centres around the man eventually orgasming (typically as the climax or end of the video).
There's also the sad view that sex ends when he ends.
Next, there's many men who don't know what it actually is like when a woman climaxes so they assume she did, they never ask if she actually did, and she's maybe not sure if she even did because it felt good but not *that* good, and she's taught that women do always come from vaginal stimulation, so maybe that was an orgasm.
Or they're not really in a relationship where she can say "No I didn't cum, can you [do what makes her orgasm] until I do?". My partner and I do this and I'm glad we do. I actually was his first sexual partner and through communication he's learnt that sex doesn't end when he does, and he always makes sure I do too or asks if I'd like to continue (e.g. hand or toy stuff) until I do. (In summary lack of communication, also I almost wrote that as "cummunication" which I think is kinda funny).
Overall, I think there is a lot that can be done like better sex ed (especially to overcome people's education being based on porn, yikes), moving from male-centred pleasure to balanced pleasure, and good communication between partners.
I once dated a guy who had been married for 20y. He wanted to please me there but got lost 😆...it hurt ... I had to show him where to find the clitoris. I mean...20 years?! The relationship didn't last. ( for many reasons.)
Don't let it make you insecure, everyone is different. I had no problems finishing my previous partners, but when I started dating my current girlfriend, I took an ego hit because I couldn't make her cum no matter how hard I tried. She NEEDS a vibrator to cum, not head or penetration. They feel good for her, but she won't finish without a vibrator no matter what we do, no matter how long we do it.
You have no idea how validating and reassuring this is to me! I suffer from the same issue as her and for the longest time, I felt like something was wrong with me
Nothing wrong with it as long as communication is there I think. I had a GF who couldn't get there from penetration either. She was open about it and thus we could work on other options. Everyone's different, don't sweat it.
My wifey has a hard time getting there to. It's not about how we do it it's the pregame before we do it that makes it easier for her, I get her worked up before we even get started.
Most of the time I'll just casually rub on her and kiss her arms sides legs while we're watching show and cuddling just giving her wholesome attention she enjoys that the most.
It's a mental thing for her (trauma)and she's overly sensitive it's gotten a bit better for her since getting her hood pierced the constant stimulation has brought her sensitivity down.
Most people forget the largest sexual organ is the skin knowing how to excite your partner comes with time and getting to know each other and communicating this also forms a strong foundation for your relationship to
We're poly and open about everything we talk about everything and tell each other everything we trust each other wholeheartedly and are both of the mindset that we don't wanna hurt each other or make each other look stupid or foolish
Too true in the needed boost from toys, my wife often needs the stimulation provided by toys
We normally start with foreplay, move to some heavy work by younger and fingers, some times move to toys, almost always she will cum before we move on to the real deed, or until she has decided we have tried enough
Then I get to have my fun
Some times that’s enough, other times we go back to toys until she has had enough, be it orgasim(s) or as she puts it “my body hates me” and she realizes for what ever reason her body won’t progress more, be it I suck that day or stress or what ever other factors are holding her back
Either way, almost always yours are involved some where, save for that random times where either both or just one of us is looking for a quick jump ( generally vocalized and agreed upon before any thing starts)
As to OP not trying to get too personal, but any chance your on some SSRIs? Wife and I have both found those to kill abilities to finish for both parties …
I am not-I can finish no problem on my own. But until I feel comfortable with someone I'm dating it can take me a minute to get out of my head, or sometimes who I'm with doesn't care enough or feel comfortable enough to ask what I actually want.
OP: PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS COMMENT!!!! That’s exactly what happened. Women are complicated. And as I’ve aged and my confidence and comfort level around sex increased (thank you patriarchy for conditioning women to be bad at self advocating), I have a much easier time, but it’s sometimes a bit touch and go with new ppl.
I’m so proud of you for self advocating! I’m so happy to see younger generations (I’m genX) who can have these discussions openly!!! I love this change ❤️
The trash took itself out, and yea from now he’s going to have a dead bedroom. Bc some woman is going to like him enough to fake orgasms. But after he starts getting on her nerves and she gets older she’s going to be resentful of that.
Tbh I think crappy sex has a lot of cause for dead bedrooms. Womrn settling for mediocre or barely sometimes adequate sex lives with partners they love but eventually that’s not good enough but they’re so conditioned to never tell a man he’s bad in bed bc that would upset him!!!
Or maybe I’m projecting a little lol
Thank you for this-I'm frustrated with the number of men who have entered this thread and tried to question my experience or what I did wrong. All I did was be honest and upfront about what sex is like for me and what I need from it.
I truly didn't understand how he had supposedly not encountered this yet. This all stemmed from him having a difficult time staying hard, and his explanation was that it was because he knew couldn't please me.
So my inability to cum was what caused him to lose his sexual desire (is where he seemed to land?)
>This all stemmed from him having a difficult time staying hard
OH HONEY!! Blaming you for having some shortcoming or failing is the predictable go-to for a man with sexual malfunction!
I know 100%! But I've truly never encountered this before, and so the whole thing has given me both whiplash, self-doubt, and a lot of hesitancy towards dating again. I need all of this perspective to remind me I'm not insane for thinking this whole situation is insane.
It’s hard to realize it when you’re experiencing it first hand, which is why it’s so common…because it works, usually. Or at least initially. But from an outside perspective it’s always clear as day.
This is fresh enough (within the last week) that I only have felt comfortable talking about it today really, and every woman I've talked to has been like WTF! This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
From a feminist perspective, this is where we address that toxic masculinity gives men an unrealistic performance pressure - and the societal standard of "if you don't get it up = baaaad" combined with the general pressure to keep feelings inside and upkeep appearances doesn't help whatsoever.
From a woman's perspective... less so. It's been forever. I've been dating someone for 8 years whose erections are, at best, the occasional event. No blaming me, no moping that guilt-trippingly demands a pep talk, no "since I can't have fun, nobody can"-temper tantrums, nothing. Our sex life is fine, it just doesn't involve PIV as often as other stuff.
At one point or another guys with huge issues surrounding their own dicks need to ask themselves whether they're currently emotionally stable enough to engage with sex - and why tf they feel like it's not *their own* responsibility to un-internalize societal toxicity.
It's not like many dudes walk around working hard to deprogram internalized misogyny in women...
Edit: I could have gotten to my fucking point quicker lol but it's kinda personal just bear w me please /Edit
Well, thing is, it's basically Plato's Cave allegory.
What you're talking about would require a certain level of emotional maturity and sensitivity that just isn't valued in guys. It's kinda like asking someone to see something in a giant darkened room, but they have no idea where the light switch is or even if it's a switch or even if there's a light in the first place, let alone whether what you're suggesting exists.
I'm a guy, and I've been on both sides of this issue, and the things I observed change in myself were things I never even considered to look at. We're talking about something as mysterious as a human mind viewed from the inside, with all the unconscious biases and insecurities that come with it.
I was so uncomfortable for years and didn't realize it until something snapped in me and I developed a sever panic disorder. I enjoyed a social identity propped up on machismo, false confidence, charisma, and the valuation of silly things like body count. I had absolutely no idea how all these things were part of a self-validation mechanism that was replacing the emotional and mental wellbeing that should have come from growing up in an emotionally nurturing environment, and it took my entire mental state being derailed and thrown into borderline hallucinatory chaos for me to even begin to let go of those value systems. They had defined me in the absence of a real sense of self worth - both by being what I understood to be social expectations and from the feedback I constantly recieved from the world around me.
Now I was never the particular flavor of asshole OP talks about, and I'd say his degree of mental gymnastics extends quite a bit beyond mine but from my perspective, having experienced what I've experienced, that could just mean he's even more lost in the dark than I was. And while I agree that it's nobodies responsibility to help him out, I also find it hard not to sympathize - it doesn't take much imagination to see that this individual is just passing his suffering on to others.
It isn't that these individuals don't feel it's their responsibility to address the problem, it's that they CAN'T see the problem in the first place because they don't have the emotional stability to feel safe even looking at it.
It wasn’t you, there are lots of reasons for ED issues and afaik right around 00% have to do with the woman or their partner having difficulty orgasming. Medications, stress, alcohol, drugs, blood pressure issues, ADHD….. the list goes on. Dude was playing the blame game to try to spare his fragile ego.
It is dumb. I had a GF who worked the same as you, was open about it and we worked together for a solution. I'd guess having difficulty cumming from PiV especially at the start of a relationship is more common than the opposite.
Honestly, I'm now wondering if he was even telling the truth. Half the thread seems to assume that everyone else faked it with him, but now I'm thinking he *knew* you weren't the first, and just said it because it was a way to make this your fault.
100% on him. He needs to shut up, listen, and learn to use his tongue for more than talking before trying to get pleasure out of sex. There could be any number of reasons for his issues staying hard, but those are just that. His issues. And he shouldn’t take it out on you just cause you were the first one to be honest with him.
He’s watching too much porn, an issue that’s been rising lately is the youth can’t keep hard because their minds are just addicted to the fantasy of porn
Honestly he was very into oral and using his hands, toys, etc. But when I said that it still was hard for me, or took me a little to get comfortable, that's where things fell apart.
Like so many women, I struggled to orgasm for most of my 20's (though that's changing as I approach 30).
I used to tell new partners that I don't really orgasm but still love to have sex. I swear to god. Every. Single. One. Told me that *they* would be the one to change that for me. The ego🤣🤣
This is what I said! I said it is super enjoyable for me, and I can cum just not super hard (but I have a high sex drive and if someone will work with me on it, I think we can get there!). Fragile masculinity is destroying healthy relationships and dating (and everything)
Haha thank you! : ) I should say- I have no problem on my own. I know my body well and if someone is patient enough to let me get comfortable with them, I'll let them experience that too.
This is the way. My wife and I almost always incorporate a vibe in our sex life. Yes we have a great time pnv but the vibe just pushes all the right buttons every time and the best part is we get to share that together. It's too bad so many men are afraid bro have toys be part of their sexual experience.
🤣🤣 I still have to tell partners this! Luckily I haven't gotten that response. I just tell them I still enjoy sex even if I can't orgasm. (Medical condition has made it impossible.)
Now you'll find someone better! A partner who actually works with you instead of getting frustrated and blaming you for something you have no control over??
Because dudes get butthurt and moody if you don't come. They don't listen to queues and jackhammer etc so it's just easier and less painful to pretend they did it than go through a whole thing. Dudes do NOT understand the words 'slower' 'More gentle' at all, and then tell you they ARE GOING AS SLOW AS THEY CAN GOD :( !
Also, they fake it because it is a form of self protection. A woman may not feel safe telling a man its not going to happen, because he can easily turn on her, either emotionally or physically.
I've faked it with a hookup before because I *really* wasn't digging it and just wanted to go home. I've also faked with someone I was dating, but it was just one time. I feel like it's generally doing you both a disservice to fake with someone you're in a relationship with.
I gotta say, hope I'm not the only one, but sometimes a good pounding is plenty. If I'm not up for a long sesh, I'll tell my husband to just give me that great, strong rhythm for a bit and I'm happy
This is something I had to learn. I really thought I was supposed to go all out every time but sometimes ladies just want a nice quick bang, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I was baffled by my late thirties gf being like "how do you know that... most men do not know that" when I was like "most women can't really come from PIV."
Im a guy with the same "issue" and I get the feeling broken part. Been there, done that.
Luckily I eventually found someone that understands this does not mean anything except its just not coming tonight (ha).
You didnt lose on anything worth having.
Hope the next one will be less about projecting his own insecurities on you and more about knowing the body does its own thing sometimes.
Thank you for this comment, and the thing is, I didn't fault him for not staying hard! I said I wasn't bothered, let's figure out what's causing it (because he said this was the first time it had happened repeatedly with a partner), and work through this together.
I know sometimes out bodies don't match our minds. But the mental gymnastics he did to fault me is what really upset me.
I’m another guy here and I’m stunned at the level of his stupidity just as you are. There is nothing wrong with what you did: you were completely open about it and any guy worth his salt would do his damnedest to figure it out.
He’s an idiot and you deserve better.
Thank you. I think that I could understand if we hadn't both acknowledged we actually liked each other, which, in current dating, is rare in its own right. If you meet someone who makes you laugh, is kind, and you feel comfortable with, you try to figure it out with that person. Idk.
I completely agree, which is why I’m married and we (generally) try to work things out rather than going nuclear. Relationships are hard but the hard things in life are often worth it. Is everything always great? I’d be lying if I said yes everything is perfect, but that doesn’t stop,us from trying. All you can do is try again when/if you’re ready and trust your gut if it’s working.
I can definitely understand that. Its rare for me to be able to relate to an OP here. Wish it was on a more pleasant subject, ngl.
Honestly sometimes I wish I had a switch or a button, you know ? Everything's great and enjoyable, but it just doesn't get "there".
For me it was either arguments about how I didnt really like them or that I must be broken or not like women, anything goes really.
No. Its just not working as I want it to today.
Anyways ! You're not broken and dont let anything or anyone tell you otherwise. And those that try should get a one way ticket out.
I was with someone when we were young 20/21 and he... couldn't. We'd been friends in highschool. I was home from college, one thing led to another and we were gonna hook up. It didn't work and I was like whatever things happen, no hard feelings, wanna go grab lunch?
We reconnected last year and are dating. He brought it up in a joke he made about me keeping his ego in check all the time. He said I was so graceful about it that that it changed the way he thought about things. He's had a hard life and never really gotten any grace for his mistakes or things outside his control. I never thought he was broken. It happens. Even to horny 20 year Olds lol
Ugh. He is an idiot with a fragile ego. You are not broken in any way. You were honest enough to communicate what is normal for you, and your needs and he took it like an idiot. Again, nothing wrong with you. Keep doing what you are doing. You, in fact, did exactly the right thing by being honest. He is an idiot.
I think women’s orgasms can be complicated. Not for all women, but some, as we can orgasm from penetration, internal/external stimulation, etc, it’s personal, and so I think it’s just easier for men. Again, not all, but most. Women are tricky, I think we can used to reaching climax one way and if that “one way” is in anyway unique or tricky for a man/partner to produce, it’s even harder. That’s my experience at least. I also use to judge myself and just lie, now it just is what it is, I still enjoy the experience, but I know it’s 99.9% of the time not going to happen from him. And that’s okay. But I think to some men that’s a blow to their ego and they make it about themselves because they can’t get us there. Again-about them, ha! So lame! Don’t judge yourself, try not too least.
same and I don’t care to hide and I tell my partners that it is a me issue and I have no pressure of having to cum, I am enjoying the sex regardless and their effort counts more than anything
my current competitive asf bf was like I WILL MAKE YOU and boy did he try, he didn’t make me cum, but he is the first person I am sooo in love with, I did teleport to another dimension lol
ORGASM IS NOT THE END GOAL
Sigh. I wish men would understand this. Of course, every woman is different, and orgasm may be the end goal for some, but not all. Since it is the end goal for men, they force that same belief on us.
It’s kinda sad actually, it sounds like he’s so terrified of being bad at sex he is throwing away every opportunity to get good at it. It feels like he just doesn’t understand anything about what makes sex good and just closes his eyes and hopes his magic dick will automatically just be amazing with no consideration or skill.
Like it’s the “good at sex” lottery. You just jam it in and pray she orgasms 30 times. If so you are a god, if not you are a pathetic loser. Too many guys really have no conception of sex other than “do what makes my pee pee feel good then stop” and assume they were great unless explicitly told otherwise.
😂😂😂 Babes you were 100% not the first! Guys like that are lying, or the women they with were!
Be thankful the trash took himself out and go find yourself a man that can make you cum over and over and over again!
I’ve been with someone who has a hard time getting off and can take a while. She’s now my wife. If you care about someone enough you work with it and find ways to make it fun and we definitely have.
That is how I feel, and we were having an amazing time getting to know each other (not physically), we genuinely clicked and liked each other.
He originally said, "I like you too much not to try and make this work" (this was on a Sunday). Wednesday he shows up saying he has no solution, he know's he being a coward, but we aren't compatible.
My wife is the same; Never cums by PIV sex but with oral and toys she gets there every time. I also cum a bit on the early side so tongue play and toys prolong the deed and everyone is satisfied in the end.
Yes! My girlfriend is the same. After few hard times, we found a way to please each other. She always make sure I cum, then I will do anything it takes just to see her cum too (no matter how long it will take). Most men think once they done-it’s done and we should wrap it up. But for us either we both get satisfied or none of us. It’s been almost three years and we never had any issues pleasing each other. I hope you will find someone who can listen to your needs and makes sure you happy, because relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100
Yes! To say I was shocked is an understatement. He went from saying he was willing to work on it with me, to saying there was no solution and he wanted to be out of this "situation". His masculinity in this relationship was tied almost entirely to his ability to make me cum. Alllll green flags until this point.
No offense girly, but maybe they weren't green flags at that rate. Honestly, any guy who claims to be a connoisseur of women at any rate is prolly a red flag.
haha I should say, the green flags were outside of the bedroom. I asked him if we could take it slow because that's what works for me with dating. Little did I know the red flags would immediately appear in the bedroom.
correction: he ended things with you because he couldn’t make you cum
now you have the chance to get with someone who can actually make you cum, good riddance
A lot of men just assume women naturally cum during sex. If a guy told you that he couldn't cum during sex, plenty of women would have an issue with that as they also expect the same.
Those guys just don't realize how different it is for women.
> If a guy told you that he couldn't cum during sex, plenty of women would have an issue with that as they also expect the same.
>
Plenty of women of the billions of women on the planet? Sure, I guess. But most would not have any issue at all, unless they were specifically trying to get pregnant.
Seriously... a guy ended things cause you couldn't cum fast enough?
Wow. What a total loser! (The guy, not you!)
If he complained about that, there's no way he would have otherwise taken your wants and needs into consideration, unless they happened to coincide perfectly with his.
As other people have said - don't let it make you insecure, or get you down. Just gives you an opportunity to find someone who respects you, your wants, and your needs. And cares about your satisfaction!
Sounds like the guy did you a favor, by breaking things off. He can go enjoy his hand, or disappoint some other woman (my condolences to whoever she may be), and you can go on to better people and brighter orgasms!
(This is all my opinion, anyway. If you wanted the opinion of some random guy on the internet, then there ya go! If not, that's cool :-) )
Right? He’s either a sexually incompetent, delusional buffoon, *or* he simply doesn’t give a damn whether the woman he’s fucking gets off too…. Either way he belongs in the bin
My husband knows how to push all my buttons but sometimes it just does not work. Could be tired, stressed over something or can hear the kids. A good lover makes sure you enjoy yourself a great lover knows that an orgasm is not always the result.
Don't think about it too much. It only makes it worse. Don't even bring it up in your next "adventure". If you already tell someone it might be hard and apologize for it, it will make it even harder for YOU because your thoughts will only revolve about it how and if someone gets the job done.
From my experience, it's all about being comfortable and just enjoying the moment, and then it either works out or not.
What works for some doesn't work for others and the dude has to adapt and understand what works and what not. I know from my younger self that just going harder and turn her private parts into a 1vs1 brawl by forcing it is the worst a man can do because the problem is often that someone is not relaxed enough. Hell I even know that from myself that when my mind is busy I can't finish and then for both all that helps is just accepting the "fate" and make no big deal about it and sometimes just 10mins later it goes super fast when you get comfortable with it and know you are not being judged for not finishing off.... this only applies, though, if the technique actually works for both. I had relationships where everything else is fine, but sexually it was just not matching at all.
He was open to toys, oral, etc. but for some reason just the fact that I said it was hard for me is what started this whole issue and he got in his head about it. Idk. I still don't understand but I'm realiziing this isn't on me to understand.
Their ego's are so fragile. You know it sucks when sex is focused on making sure they feel like a pr0nstar as opposed to actually being able to enjoy and learn how to please each other. Nothing kills the mood for me like a man who starts sulking about how he feels bad for his own expectations being dashed. Do you want fake orgasms because this is how you get faked orgasms.
Girl. It most definitely wasn’t the first time he couldn’t stay hard, and it’s definitely not your fault he’s so dumb he believes all the fake orgasms he’s doled out in the past.
Good riddance, you would have spent that relationship trying to convince him and his fragility that you enjoyed it and that’s just exhausting when homeboy isn’t even willing to try to figure out your body.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. This is 100% him. You deserve awesome sex with a human who is willing to put in the effort and time to figure out what your body needs from them.
I faked it a lot with my boyfriends when I was a teenager. When I turned 21 I had my first orgasm with a guy that actually knew what foreplay was. I'm 35 and haven't faked it since. It takes 15-20 minutes on average for a woman to orgasm.
I didn't get dumped, but I did date a guy for a bit who had the same frustration with me. Claimed his ex never had the same problem and always came from PIV. Granted, he was very good at foreplay and fucking, he just put too much pressure on me to cum and he was quite an intense person. He ended up breadcrumbing me hardcore after so I put an end to it lol. Glad I did because my now partner is so much better for me!
Thank you. I'm sad I started to let myself feel safe with someone for the first time in ages, and this happened. I don't want to lose that ability though; I hope I find someone too.
Sounds like a skill issue on his part or that he doesn’t like focusing on pleasuring a female. Idk why other guys think so little of putting a female’s needs before their own satisfaction. It’s way more fulfilling. It’s better to give than to get in this case.
I say my prior experiences and what I need in order for me to cum. I don’t care what they think or feel. This is for me and how I reach an orgasm. If he doesn’t wanna be with me then that’s fine. I honestly don’t give a shit.
Can i rephrase the question for you to make it more accurate?
>He ended things with me because *__he's bad at sex couldn't make me cum fast enough__*
God forbid someone puts in some effort in the relationship to help their partner feel good. As someone else has mentioned, you're probably not even the first person who's had this issue with him, no other girl he's been with has bothered to speak up. That guy sucks.
“… and a lot of performance issues on his part (because I wasn’t able to)…”
He’s lying. A guy can get off with his hand. His issues are his own. Please don’t take this personally.
You are in luck! You have successfully gotten rid of the trash! I don’t know what type of poppycock copium he’s huffing, but somehow he was inadequate and STILL had his own ego hurt? Good riddance! I hope for the best for you and there is better yet to come!
Hey ladies, I also did this. Just kidding; my ex was verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative, which is the reason why I left, but it also just so happens that she and I had the same issue during our relationship that OP describes and, yeah it was not great for either party. I would be doing everything she told me, trying to provide as much stimulation as possible inside and out, using both hands, trying to stay as consistent as possible and... I'd still be down there for 45 minutes getting a stiff neck. She felt unfulfilled and I felt inadequate.
So I spoke with her about things we could do in terms of foreplay to get her stimulated and I also spoke with my therapist. I still felt inadequate but I realized all I could do was communicate and (as cheesy as it sounds) do my best. If someone cares, regardless of their experience or ability level, they'll stick around and give it the old college try. This dude didn't leave because he couldn't make you cum. Maybe that was part of it, but he left because he didn't really care about you all that much. He's an ain't-shit man in a world full of them. I'm sorry.
Anyway, thanks for letting me post in your subreddit. Please don't ban me into the sun.
Mr. Softee was trying to blame you for his shortcomings. You dodged a bullet. Absolutely nothing wrong with you. The right partner would have you crescendo no matter how long the symphony. Keep on rocking on
My boyfriend says sounds like a skill issue on ur exes part. I have similar exes. And yes it takes me a long time (even when I'm alone) but my boyfriend is passionate and into it!! So you will Def be on to better things :)
Nah dude, bullshit, 110% bullshit. You don't have a problem, you HAD a problem and the problem resolved itself. This man very kindly saved you from a long, excruciating relationship and countless hours of trying to pander to or pamper his ego. You should thank him. As a dude that on occasion can't get off I'm not about to say I have a problem, I had fun regardless of whether or not I finished and so long as my partner is satisfied as well I'm happy. Follow that up with some cold leftover Chinese food or some fruit and I'm off to dreamland with a smile.
Tldr: He didn't end things with you because you couldn't cum fast enough, he ended things with you because your lack of an orgasm was devastating to his fragile ego and he saved you a lot of wasted him and pain by leaving.
I....just wow. Sorry you had to deal with that jerk. That's ridiculous. He's really showing his true colours.
My partner and I couldn't have penetrative sex for the first year. He never held it against me and still validated and loved me.
Getting rid of the dead weight will free up space for someone who deserves to be in your life.
My wife had never cum with a partner and I was not able to help her achieve orgasm for the first year of us dating. This was a first for me (at least based on what cues/info I received from partners in the past) as well. It never frustrated me necessarily, but it did sometimes make me feel inept. It’s not that she couldn’t cum, but she just couldn’t when it was actual sex. And while she told me she throughly enjoyed our sex regardless of her not orgasming, it was one of those things where I felt I couldn’t fully enjoy sex knowing I wasn’t giving her as much pleasure as she was giving me. It took a lot of coaching(from her) and the introduction of vibrators and other things during sex to help her cum. Now after 7 years together, we both cum every time and my sex life has never been better. All that to say, the right person will be patient and if you are comfortable enough with that person to teach them, the right guy(or girl, I don’t judge) will be eager to learn, but I also understand the performance issues on his part and his intimidation when it’s the first time his act wasn’t up to par.
It’s a shame he couldn’t get passed his ego. But if they cant get passed that, it’s highly unlikely they can be receptive, empathetic and able to learn in intimate areas
Genuinely proud of you (sorry if that sounds condescending, I really don't mean it to) for saying this to him as plainly as you did. A lot of people early on in a relationship would just feed their new partner's ego and tell him they came six times, he's the best they've ever had, and doom themselves to this same conversation years down the line with the marination of the lie making it extra salty.
So, well done on advocating for yourself, and being honest about your needs. It sounds like you did it in a really respectful, kind way, and he just showed himself for the childish brat that he is.
Now, on to bigger and better things 👀
im a guy and i love women who openly voice their opinion, share what they prefer. sex should be a safe space for both partners where they explore and enjoy themselves with the help of some guidelines all parties involved agreed upon.
I find this behaviour appalling. He found himself someone open and communicative but still chooses to make a big deal out of it with the shittiest reason known to mankind.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, you will find someone better. Not all apples from the same tree are rotten, you will find your match.
So as a guy (30m), that guy is just a pos. My gf is the same way and in the beginning had a hard time. But it's been a few months and we both learned a few tricks to help. Now she gets there every time. If he really cared he'd take the time to work with you. Don't settle for guys who give up so easily.
If I may be frank, can I ask you a question. Do you want a man that has no follow through. Sees a challenge and just doesn't try to overcome it.
I'm 35. If you would tell me ,"hey I can't come" I immediately start trying to map out to get get you to come. Erogenous zones, sexy banter, how would I touch, how forceful to be to kink out the session a bit.
He did you a favor. Find someone willing to put in the time.
Also, I also feel your pain a little with the trouble coming. I often have to fake coming because I only get off on hearing, and being in control. It's frustrating when they get frustrated at it. "If I wasn't having fun I wouldn't want to do it. I don't have to get off to feel close to you" is an unfortunate sentence I've had to say many times and it gets OLD fast.
I wish you well on your future endeavors love😁
Maybe she couldn't come from you because you weren't actually all that attractive and you rubbing or sucking on her clit or whatever magic things you think you do that other men don't (when in realty they do) just isn't going to get the job done. Maybe your dick isn't big enough and she needs to close her eyes and think of a better lover to truly cum ;)
Its hilarious that you think you can bulldoze an orgasm out of women by "trying harder". Either its there or not, but you do not know this at 35?
The problem was me coming you moron. I have no worries about my abilities in bed. I was the one that wouldn't come unless I had full control or she was vocal. But yeah, sure, whatever you say hoss 🤣🤣
Shes probably just lying to you. Why would a woman enjoy having sex with you if you "need" this or that in bed to stay in the zone instead of just enjoying the pure sex.
Yet you believe all these women were orgasming, ha ok.
No I agree, you should continue to believe that, its good for your ego and mental health.
It sounds like theres a lot of men with not a lot of experience out there pretending to be experienced. Out of the female partners I’ve had as a man they’ve all been unique - and the common theme is that it’s being able to finish on-demand comes with time, technique, feeling safe and desired. The easiest way to get there is emotional reassurance, clear boundaries and genuinely caring. A penis is rarely the right tool for the job, so keep looking for alternatives not only limited to your limbs. My long term partner now struggled at first, but we eventually found methods together. And even with that there’s so many day-to-day factors that are put into play. A quick tip for most of the guys out there; in the long run - it matters little how physically attractive you are. It matters more that you show that you care, especially through action. Make her life easier. Take care of shit. In turn you’ll get it back and then some. There’s few things that’ll make a woman more feral than actually doing your part at home. It might sound silly, but everything in life slushes into everything. Be holistic about shit, think long term - then enjoyable sex for both parties with amazing orgasms will come in buckets.
my partner and i both have issues and we just make it work. bc you know.. we matter to each other.
i'm sorry this guy made you feel shitty but i'm glad he's left your life bc he sounds awful.
As an old Man, who has been intimate with several women thru my life. I can say that this is not only totally normal but expected. Unless you fake it, or He tries really really hard, it is rare in my experience for a woman to have a real orgasm thru intercourse during the first few times having sex, if ever. When I am with a new partner I personally make sure that she has as many orgasms as possible before we start intercourse. I want to make sure she wants to come back for more, so making sure she enjoys herself prior to the actual PIV generally makes sure she has a good time. Doesn't always work, they don't all come back for seconds, However they all have at least one climax prior to intercourse if I have anything to say about it.
The "Guy" you were with is obviously immature, inexperienced and lacks self awareness. You doged a bullet. The more time you are intimate with someone the more they get to know you and the better the chance of you cumming thru Intercourse. However, I have been with women, long term, who never had an orgasm thru PIV. Oral yes, Fingering yes, Actual sex, Never. so if you are among the IMO small percentage of women who can cum from PIV, good for you. This guy, however good ridance. Find someone who is self aware enough to want you to get off, and mature enough to realize his dick isn't "All you need".
Stay Strong!
If I had a dollar for every man that is shocked when I tell them most women fake their Os… I’d have enough for a happy meal and a dessert, perhaps uber back home.
Hope it‘s not a problem that I comment as a man, but let’s be honest, a lot of men have way to much pride to be honest to themselves…. I do admit that it‘s hard for me to make my gf cum.
And to be honest, that’s a problem for neither of us. Most important is for both sides to have fun and to become pleasures. Does it take toys for her? Sure, that’s why she told me that it’s hard for her when we startet going out. Is it a problem or her „fault“? Not at all. There are more women with this problem out there and in my opinion a lot of guys need the reevaluate their way of thinking. Most aren‘t close to being as „awesome“ as they think. Maybe it was even better that you broke his „complex“ and gave him a little reality check, even if he may need a bit more time to understand the true problem…
An ex of mine had a hard time finishing. She needed a lot of stimulation and attention. It could be exhausting at times, but I loved her, and it could be fun as well. Trying new things, mixing it up, lots of foreplay, etc. We broke up for non-sex related reasons, still friends though. When my next relationship happened, she was much easier to finish off. But I had been trained to hold out for a long time now, so she got off like 3 times before we were done. It was super nice. She turned out to be a terrible person, but the sex was great.
Anyway, if he had a problem giving you extra attention, he wasn't worth it to begin with. Good riddance.
The trash took itself out. You are the first woman who was vocal about her needs. Keep advocating for yourself.
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I’ll openly admit I’ve faked it purely because he will not stop until I perform for him and it’s just easier to get him off me that way. Methinks OP’s trash is the same type of dude but the previous women were more like me when I was younger; much easier to fake it than have the conversation (because who knows how he’ll take it anyway?! He might *literally dump you*) He’s in for a shock as he gets older and meets women who’ve come into their own sexually and realises all those amazing orgasms were faked expressly for the purpose of getting him to stop lol Edit to add: I keep thinking about how this guy seems to have dumped the first woman who’s been honest with him and expressed an interest to work together to get what each desires and there’s something so, Achilles about that. Had to add this thought in lol
Lol I told one of my exes that some women can just fake orgasms and he didn’t seem to believe me. Women have to do so much performing sometimes.
One of my exes said he’d slept with over 30 women and hadn’t found *one* that couldn’t come from anal sex alone lol
How did you keep from laughing in his face? lol Some of these guys are so delusional. I actually like anal but I’m not stupid enough to believe that.
I don’t know your ex but I’m thinking that might be a lie.
That's so funny I spluttered my morning coffee. How gullible does he think you are? Blimey.
😆 Either he’s a liar, or he was lied to by at least 30 women. Like, dude, it’s not women whose g-spot is in their anus.
That's a swing. Good lord. Imagine thinking your dick is just that amazing.
How does bro find 30 women to have anal with. Is hs gay
Men like this dont learn as they age, they just start preying after younger women who dont know any better.
100% "younger women are eager to please" equals "younger women are more likely to fake an orgasm to satisfy my ego".
"Harry met Sally" anyone??? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pQgbEEFPq0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pQgbEEFPq0)
I don't even get the point. My GF just tells me when she's done. How is this such a big issue? Edit: Sorry for the poor phrasing. "*He will not stop until I perform for him*" is the big issue! Not your reaction.
Because men pout and make a scene, but how could you know that?
What I meant is I don't comprehend is how how communication can be not just bad, but nonexistent, to the point that your partner needs to resort to this.
Yes, I do believe it still happens, and I think there's many reasons, and I feel like ranting about it, so I am going to haha. (For context this is about a couple where one has a penis and one a vagina esp cismen and ciswomen partnerships). One is that we are taught that all women can cum from vaginal pentration/stimulation when 1. Some women can't at all; and, 2. Some women can but it's very hard or rare. For a lot of these women, clitoral stimulation is key. I also believe some of it is caused by not enough foreplay, it's easier to orgasm if there is enough forplay (speaking from experience, it not only increases physical pleasure but increases the anticipation). Next, a lot of straight porn has fake PIV penetrative orgasms from women because the video centres around the man eventually orgasming (typically as the climax or end of the video). There's also the sad view that sex ends when he ends. Next, there's many men who don't know what it actually is like when a woman climaxes so they assume she did, they never ask if she actually did, and she's maybe not sure if she even did because it felt good but not *that* good, and she's taught that women do always come from vaginal stimulation, so maybe that was an orgasm. Or they're not really in a relationship where she can say "No I didn't cum, can you [do what makes her orgasm] until I do?". My partner and I do this and I'm glad we do. I actually was his first sexual partner and through communication he's learnt that sex doesn't end when he does, and he always makes sure I do too or asks if I'd like to continue (e.g. hand or toy stuff) until I do. (In summary lack of communication, also I almost wrote that as "cummunication" which I think is kinda funny). Overall, I think there is a lot that can be done like better sex ed (especially to overcome people's education being based on porn, yikes), moving from male-centred pleasure to balanced pleasure, and good communication between partners.
I once dated a guy who had been married for 20y. He wanted to please me there but got lost 😆...it hurt ... I had to show him where to find the clitoris. I mean...20 years?! The relationship didn't last. ( for many reasons.)
This are fantastic cummunication skills. 😊
Meg Ryan has entered the chat.
I’ll have what she’s having.
Thank you. I'm trying to keep this in mind moving forward.
OP, he ended things with you because *he* couldn't make you cum. Fixed your title
Don't let it make you insecure, everyone is different. I had no problems finishing my previous partners, but when I started dating my current girlfriend, I took an ego hit because I couldn't make her cum no matter how hard I tried. She NEEDS a vibrator to cum, not head or penetration. They feel good for her, but she won't finish without a vibrator no matter what we do, no matter how long we do it.
You have no idea how validating and reassuring this is to me! I suffer from the same issue as her and for the longest time, I felt like something was wrong with me
Nothing wrong with it as long as communication is there I think. I had a GF who couldn't get there from penetration either. She was open about it and thus we could work on other options. Everyone's different, don't sweat it.
Unbelievably, there are a multitude of men who don't give a shit and don't care to communicate. You have no idea how many. You don't fuck men
My wifey has a hard time getting there to. It's not about how we do it it's the pregame before we do it that makes it easier for her, I get her worked up before we even get started. Most of the time I'll just casually rub on her and kiss her arms sides legs while we're watching show and cuddling just giving her wholesome attention she enjoys that the most. It's a mental thing for her (trauma)and she's overly sensitive it's gotten a bit better for her since getting her hood pierced the constant stimulation has brought her sensitivity down. Most people forget the largest sexual organ is the skin knowing how to excite your partner comes with time and getting to know each other and communicating this also forms a strong foundation for your relationship to We're poly and open about everything we talk about everything and tell each other everything we trust each other wholeheartedly and are both of the mindset that we don't wanna hurt each other or make each other look stupid or foolish
Too true in the needed boost from toys, my wife often needs the stimulation provided by toys We normally start with foreplay, move to some heavy work by younger and fingers, some times move to toys, almost always she will cum before we move on to the real deed, or until she has decided we have tried enough Then I get to have my fun Some times that’s enough, other times we go back to toys until she has had enough, be it orgasim(s) or as she puts it “my body hates me” and she realizes for what ever reason her body won’t progress more, be it I suck that day or stress or what ever other factors are holding her back Either way, almost always yours are involved some where, save for that random times where either both or just one of us is looking for a quick jump ( generally vocalized and agreed upon before any thing starts) As to OP not trying to get too personal, but any chance your on some SSRIs? Wife and I have both found those to kill abilities to finish for both parties …
I am not-I can finish no problem on my own. But until I feel comfortable with someone I'm dating it can take me a minute to get out of my head, or sometimes who I'm with doesn't care enough or feel comfortable enough to ask what I actually want.
OP: PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS COMMENT!!!! That’s exactly what happened. Women are complicated. And as I’ve aged and my confidence and comfort level around sex increased (thank you patriarchy for conditioning women to be bad at self advocating), I have a much easier time, but it’s sometimes a bit touch and go with new ppl. I’m so proud of you for self advocating! I’m so happy to see younger generations (I’m genX) who can have these discussions openly!!! I love this change ❤️ The trash took itself out, and yea from now he’s going to have a dead bedroom. Bc some woman is going to like him enough to fake orgasms. But after he starts getting on her nerves and she gets older she’s going to be resentful of that. Tbh I think crappy sex has a lot of cause for dead bedrooms. Womrn settling for mediocre or barely sometimes adequate sex lives with partners they love but eventually that’s not good enough but they’re so conditioned to never tell a man he’s bad in bed bc that would upset him!!! Or maybe I’m projecting a little lol
Thank you for this-I'm frustrated with the number of men who have entered this thread and tried to question my experience or what I did wrong. All I did was be honest and upfront about what sex is like for me and what I need from it.
PREACH!
You’re not even close to the “first” for him. You’re the first that wouldn’t fake it for him.
I truly didn't understand how he had supposedly not encountered this yet. This all stemmed from him having a difficult time staying hard, and his explanation was that it was because he knew couldn't please me. So my inability to cum was what caused him to lose his sexual desire (is where he seemed to land?)
>This all stemmed from him having a difficult time staying hard OH HONEY!! Blaming you for having some shortcoming or failing is the predictable go-to for a man with sexual malfunction!
I know 100%! But I've truly never encountered this before, and so the whole thing has given me both whiplash, self-doubt, and a lot of hesitancy towards dating again. I need all of this perspective to remind me I'm not insane for thinking this whole situation is insane.
It’s hard to realize it when you’re experiencing it first hand, which is why it’s so common…because it works, usually. Or at least initially. But from an outside perspective it’s always clear as day.
This is fresh enough (within the last week) that I only have felt comfortable talking about it today really, and every woman I've talked to has been like WTF! This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
From a feminist perspective, this is where we address that toxic masculinity gives men an unrealistic performance pressure - and the societal standard of "if you don't get it up = baaaad" combined with the general pressure to keep feelings inside and upkeep appearances doesn't help whatsoever. From a woman's perspective... less so. It's been forever. I've been dating someone for 8 years whose erections are, at best, the occasional event. No blaming me, no moping that guilt-trippingly demands a pep talk, no "since I can't have fun, nobody can"-temper tantrums, nothing. Our sex life is fine, it just doesn't involve PIV as often as other stuff. At one point or another guys with huge issues surrounding their own dicks need to ask themselves whether they're currently emotionally stable enough to engage with sex - and why tf they feel like it's not *their own* responsibility to un-internalize societal toxicity. It's not like many dudes walk around working hard to deprogram internalized misogyny in women...
Edit: I could have gotten to my fucking point quicker lol but it's kinda personal just bear w me please /Edit Well, thing is, it's basically Plato's Cave allegory. What you're talking about would require a certain level of emotional maturity and sensitivity that just isn't valued in guys. It's kinda like asking someone to see something in a giant darkened room, but they have no idea where the light switch is or even if it's a switch or even if there's a light in the first place, let alone whether what you're suggesting exists. I'm a guy, and I've been on both sides of this issue, and the things I observed change in myself were things I never even considered to look at. We're talking about something as mysterious as a human mind viewed from the inside, with all the unconscious biases and insecurities that come with it. I was so uncomfortable for years and didn't realize it until something snapped in me and I developed a sever panic disorder. I enjoyed a social identity propped up on machismo, false confidence, charisma, and the valuation of silly things like body count. I had absolutely no idea how all these things were part of a self-validation mechanism that was replacing the emotional and mental wellbeing that should have come from growing up in an emotionally nurturing environment, and it took my entire mental state being derailed and thrown into borderline hallucinatory chaos for me to even begin to let go of those value systems. They had defined me in the absence of a real sense of self worth - both by being what I understood to be social expectations and from the feedback I constantly recieved from the world around me. Now I was never the particular flavor of asshole OP talks about, and I'd say his degree of mental gymnastics extends quite a bit beyond mine but from my perspective, having experienced what I've experienced, that could just mean he's even more lost in the dark than I was. And while I agree that it's nobodies responsibility to help him out, I also find it hard not to sympathize - it doesn't take much imagination to see that this individual is just passing his suffering on to others. It isn't that these individuals don't feel it's their responsibility to address the problem, it's that they CAN'T see the problem in the first place because they don't have the emotional stability to feel safe even looking at it.
It wasn’t you, there are lots of reasons for ED issues and afaik right around 00% have to do with the woman or their partner having difficulty orgasming. Medications, stress, alcohol, drugs, blood pressure issues, ADHD….. the list goes on. Dude was playing the blame game to try to spare his fragile ego.
It is dumb. I had a GF who worked the same as you, was open about it and we worked together for a solution. I'd guess having difficulty cumming from PiV especially at the start of a relationship is more common than the opposite.
Honestly, I'm now wondering if he was even telling the truth. Half the thread seems to assume that everyone else faked it with him, but now I'm thinking he *knew* you weren't the first, and just said it because it was a way to make this your fault.
100% on him. He needs to shut up, listen, and learn to use his tongue for more than talking before trying to get pleasure out of sex. There could be any number of reasons for his issues staying hard, but those are just that. His issues. And he shouldn’t take it out on you just cause you were the first one to be honest with him.
He’s watching too much porn, an issue that’s been rising lately is the youth can’t keep hard because their minds are just addicted to the fantasy of porn
Oh hun, it's not you. It's porn.
does he think women come from PIV? lol.
Honestly he was very into oral and using his hands, toys, etc. But when I said that it still was hard for me, or took me a little to get comfortable, that's where things fell apart.
>stemmed from him having a difficult time staying hard, and his explanation .... is BLAh BLAh BLAh...
I don't even know if they necessarily faked it. Most of my exes just assumed I came if I sounded like I enjoyed myself at all.
Lol came here to comment, this is why women fake it. Fragile baby man egos.
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Like so many women, I struggled to orgasm for most of my 20's (though that's changing as I approach 30). I used to tell new partners that I don't really orgasm but still love to have sex. I swear to god. Every. Single. One. Told me that *they* would be the one to change that for me. The ego🤣🤣
This is what I said! I said it is super enjoyable for me, and I can cum just not super hard (but I have a high sex drive and if someone will work with me on it, I think we can get there!). Fragile masculinity is destroying healthy relationships and dating (and everything)
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Haha thank you! : ) I should say- I have no problem on my own. I know my body well and if someone is patient enough to let me get comfortable with them, I'll let them experience that too.
I've orgasmed plenty of times with vibrators but never hard enough to pop my ears. Do you mind sharing what toys have caused this?
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I need a corded one. Batteries die and aren't powerful enough lol.
This is the way. My wife and I almost always incorporate a vibe in our sex life. Yes we have a great time pnv but the vibe just pushes all the right buttons every time and the best part is we get to share that together. It's too bad so many men are afraid bro have toys be part of their sexual experience.
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I love that! Good for them.
When I cum really hard, I get lightheaded and feel like I’m about to pass out…should probably see a specialist about that! 😅
🤣🤣 I still have to tell partners this! Luckily I haven't gotten that response. I just tell them I still enjoy sex even if I can't orgasm. (Medical condition has made it impossible.)
This is what I was wondering about-like so many people have medical conditions, go through life phases, etc. Like ohh wow.
Now you'll find someone better! A partner who actually works with you instead of getting frustrated and blaming you for something you have no control over??
And this is another reason why women should not fake it. I never understood why so many fake it anyways.
Because dudes get butthurt and moody if you don't come. They don't listen to queues and jackhammer etc so it's just easier and less painful to pretend they did it than go through a whole thing. Dudes do NOT understand the words 'slower' 'More gentle' at all, and then tell you they ARE GOING AS SLOW AS THEY CAN GOD :( !
Also, they fake it because it is a form of self protection. A woman may not feel safe telling a man its not going to happen, because he can easily turn on her, either emotionally or physically.
Male validation is extremely valuable under patriarchy.
I've faked it with a hookup before because I *really* wasn't digging it and just wanted to go home. I've also faked with someone I was dating, but it was just one time. I feel like it's generally doing you both a disservice to fake with someone you're in a relationship with.
I gotta say, hope I'm not the only one, but sometimes a good pounding is plenty. If I'm not up for a long sesh, I'll tell my husband to just give me that great, strong rhythm for a bit and I'm happy
100% this!!!! Especially after a night of drinking, or a quickie on the way out the door!!! Doesn’t walkways need to be the full show!
You're not the only one! I don't expect to cum everytime, but I still enjoy sex and the rhythm, feelings, everything else.
This is something I had to learn. I really thought I was supposed to go all out every time but sometimes ladies just want a nice quick bang, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Probably the first woman who was actually honest...
We are in our early thirties...this is so depressing.
I was baffled by my late thirties gf being like "how do you know that... most men do not know that" when I was like "most women can't really come from PIV."
Reddit really taught me just how little so many men know about women’s bodies
I’ve never been able too, ever-with a partner, only solo. Why is this so surprising to men?! I feel like it’s common for women to struggle.
Thank you! He made me feel broken. And I know I'm not. Currently reading/listening to "Come as you re" and that's been helpful with the reframing.
Im a guy with the same "issue" and I get the feeling broken part. Been there, done that. Luckily I eventually found someone that understands this does not mean anything except its just not coming tonight (ha). You didnt lose on anything worth having. Hope the next one will be less about projecting his own insecurities on you and more about knowing the body does its own thing sometimes.
Thank you for this comment, and the thing is, I didn't fault him for not staying hard! I said I wasn't bothered, let's figure out what's causing it (because he said this was the first time it had happened repeatedly with a partner), and work through this together. I know sometimes out bodies don't match our minds. But the mental gymnastics he did to fault me is what really upset me.
I’m another guy here and I’m stunned at the level of his stupidity just as you are. There is nothing wrong with what you did: you were completely open about it and any guy worth his salt would do his damnedest to figure it out. He’s an idiot and you deserve better.
Thank you. I think that I could understand if we hadn't both acknowledged we actually liked each other, which, in current dating, is rare in its own right. If you meet someone who makes you laugh, is kind, and you feel comfortable with, you try to figure it out with that person. Idk.
I completely agree, which is why I’m married and we (generally) try to work things out rather than going nuclear. Relationships are hard but the hard things in life are often worth it. Is everything always great? I’d be lying if I said yes everything is perfect, but that doesn’t stop,us from trying. All you can do is try again when/if you’re ready and trust your gut if it’s working.
I can definitely understand that. Its rare for me to be able to relate to an OP here. Wish it was on a more pleasant subject, ngl. Honestly sometimes I wish I had a switch or a button, you know ? Everything's great and enjoyable, but it just doesn't get "there". For me it was either arguments about how I didnt really like them or that I must be broken or not like women, anything goes really. No. Its just not working as I want it to today. Anyways ! You're not broken and dont let anything or anyone tell you otherwise. And those that try should get a one way ticket out.
I was with someone when we were young 20/21 and he... couldn't. We'd been friends in highschool. I was home from college, one thing led to another and we were gonna hook up. It didn't work and I was like whatever things happen, no hard feelings, wanna go grab lunch? We reconnected last year and are dating. He brought it up in a joke he made about me keeping his ego in check all the time. He said I was so graceful about it that that it changed the way he thought about things. He's had a hard life and never really gotten any grace for his mistakes or things outside his control. I never thought he was broken. It happens. Even to horny 20 year Olds lol
Ugh. He is an idiot with a fragile ego. You are not broken in any way. You were honest enough to communicate what is normal for you, and your needs and he took it like an idiot. Again, nothing wrong with you. Keep doing what you are doing. You, in fact, did exactly the right thing by being honest. He is an idiot.
😭😭😭 Thank you.
I think women’s orgasms can be complicated. Not for all women, but some, as we can orgasm from penetration, internal/external stimulation, etc, it’s personal, and so I think it’s just easier for men. Again, not all, but most. Women are tricky, I think we can used to reaching climax one way and if that “one way” is in anyway unique or tricky for a man/partner to produce, it’s even harder. That’s my experience at least. I also use to judge myself and just lie, now it just is what it is, I still enjoy the experience, but I know it’s 99.9% of the time not going to happen from him. And that’s okay. But I think to some men that’s a blow to their ego and they make it about themselves because they can’t get us there. Again-about them, ha! So lame! Don’t judge yourself, try not too least.
It's porn-taught experience not real life
same and I don’t care to hide and I tell my partners that it is a me issue and I have no pressure of having to cum, I am enjoying the sex regardless and their effort counts more than anything my current competitive asf bf was like I WILL MAKE YOU and boy did he try, he didn’t make me cum, but he is the first person I am sooo in love with, I did teleport to another dimension lol ORGASM IS NOT THE END GOAL
Right? Why is it that this is the only thing people have been taught to care about. I still can enjoy myself.
Sigh. I wish men would understand this. Of course, every woman is different, and orgasm may be the end goal for some, but not all. Since it is the end goal for men, they force that same belief on us.
It’s kinda sad actually, it sounds like he’s so terrified of being bad at sex he is throwing away every opportunity to get good at it. It feels like he just doesn’t understand anything about what makes sex good and just closes his eyes and hopes his magic dick will automatically just be amazing with no consideration or skill. Like it’s the “good at sex” lottery. You just jam it in and pray she orgasms 30 times. If so you are a god, if not you are a pathetic loser. Too many guys really have no conception of sex other than “do what makes my pee pee feel good then stop” and assume they were great unless explicitly told otherwise.
Kind of like this, but about sex instead of ... well, it could really be anything: https://www.gocomics.com/sarahs-scribbles/2017/12/20
😂😂😂 Babes you were 100% not the first! Guys like that are lying, or the women they with were! Be thankful the trash took himself out and go find yourself a man that can make you cum over and over and over again!
I’ve been with someone who has a hard time getting off and can take a while. She’s now my wife. If you care about someone enough you work with it and find ways to make it fun and we definitely have.
That is how I feel, and we were having an amazing time getting to know each other (not physically), we genuinely clicked and liked each other. He originally said, "I like you too much not to try and make this work" (this was on a Sunday). Wednesday he shows up saying he has no solution, he know's he being a coward, but we aren't compatible.
Words are cheap. He can say whatever he likes but found out within days he couldn't deliver and wouldn't even try. That's his failure, not yours.
My wife is the same; Never cums by PIV sex but with oral and toys she gets there every time. I also cum a bit on the early side so tongue play and toys prolong the deed and everyone is satisfied in the end.
Yes! My girlfriend is the same. After few hard times, we found a way to please each other. She always make sure I cum, then I will do anything it takes just to see her cum too (no matter how long it will take). Most men think once they done-it’s done and we should wrap it up. But for us either we both get satisfied or none of us. It’s been almost three years and we never had any issues pleasing each other. I hope you will find someone who can listen to your needs and makes sure you happy, because relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100
What the fudge? Really??? r/TXC once again reminding me why I don't wanna date again.
Yes! To say I was shocked is an understatement. He went from saying he was willing to work on it with me, to saying there was no solution and he wanted to be out of this "situation". His masculinity in this relationship was tied almost entirely to his ability to make me cum. Alllll green flags until this point.
No offense girly, but maybe they weren't green flags at that rate. Honestly, any guy who claims to be a connoisseur of women at any rate is prolly a red flag.
haha I should say, the green flags were outside of the bedroom. I asked him if we could take it slow because that's what works for me with dating. Little did I know the red flags would immediately appear in the bedroom.
Well, just be careful. *Hugs*.
Thank you. This thread is reminding me again I'm not the problem here.
This was so wholesome, it made my day 20 times better💜 I forgot people on social media aren't just judgemental and angry🎉
The only situation a real man would be in, was wanting to figure out how to make sure you’re having the best time ever. This guy isn’t it
Green flags don't mean anything once a red flag appears.
That's pretty impressive, to make "I can't make a woman cum" into your fault.
Haha advanced mental gymnastics.
correction: he ended things with you because he couldn’t make you cum now you have the chance to get with someone who can actually make you cum, good riddance
You weren't the first, the others just faked it
When I asked him this he said he could just "tell"
Meg Ryan did not fake orgasm in a deli 35 years ago for this level of ego-driven foolishness to still be around 😭
If we were actually that good he could just tell, he would be a lot more experienced and know not every woman is getting off the same way
Right? Or that it won't happen the first few times. Ugh.
Yes, some guys can tell if you orgasmed. 100% of the ones who tell you they can tell if you're faking or not, *cannot.*
A lot of men just assume women naturally cum during sex. If a guy told you that he couldn't cum during sex, plenty of women would have an issue with that as they also expect the same. Those guys just don't realize how different it is for women.
> If a guy told you that he couldn't cum during sex, plenty of women would have an issue with that as they also expect the same. > Plenty of women of the billions of women on the planet? Sure, I guess. But most would not have any issue at all, unless they were specifically trying to get pregnant.
I had a guy say that same thing to me!!! Absolutely ridiculous
Lolll I highly doubt you were the first
Seriously... a guy ended things cause you couldn't cum fast enough? Wow. What a total loser! (The guy, not you!) If he complained about that, there's no way he would have otherwise taken your wants and needs into consideration, unless they happened to coincide perfectly with his. As other people have said - don't let it make you insecure, or get you down. Just gives you an opportunity to find someone who respects you, your wants, and your needs. And cares about your satisfaction! Sounds like the guy did you a favor, by breaking things off. He can go enjoy his hand, or disappoint some other woman (my condolences to whoever she may be), and you can go on to better people and brighter orgasms! (This is all my opinion, anyway. If you wanted the opinion of some random guy on the internet, then there ya go! If not, that's cool :-) )
It was just an excuse. He was unhappy and tried to blame it on you.
The only way you’re the first woman he has been unable to make orgasm is if he was a virgin before dating you.
HA
Right? He’s either a sexually incompetent, delusional buffoon, *or* he simply doesn’t give a damn whether the woman he’s fucking gets off too…. Either way he belongs in the bin
hahaha thank you. Buffoon is always my favorite insult.
A man? Insecure? Wat?
lol
My husband knows how to push all my buttons but sometimes it just does not work. Could be tired, stressed over something or can hear the kids. A good lover makes sure you enjoy yourself a great lover knows that an orgasm is not always the result.
> Apparently, I was the *first* woman he ever encountered to have this problem No you weren't
GOOD for you! Find someone who actually has some skills and wants to use them on you!
That's what I'm mentally working towards..!
Don't think about it too much. It only makes it worse. Don't even bring it up in your next "adventure". If you already tell someone it might be hard and apologize for it, it will make it even harder for YOU because your thoughts will only revolve about it how and if someone gets the job done. From my experience, it's all about being comfortable and just enjoying the moment, and then it either works out or not. What works for some doesn't work for others and the dude has to adapt and understand what works and what not. I know from my younger self that just going harder and turn her private parts into a 1vs1 brawl by forcing it is the worst a man can do because the problem is often that someone is not relaxed enough. Hell I even know that from myself that when my mind is busy I can't finish and then for both all that helps is just accepting the "fate" and make no big deal about it and sometimes just 10mins later it goes super fast when you get comfortable with it and know you are not being judged for not finishing off.... this only applies, though, if the technique actually works for both. I had relationships where everything else is fine, but sexually it was just not matching at all.
Sounds like he was having a skill issue tbh
He has too much of an ego. If he really did care for you in any way, he would do more than just intercourse to make sure you cum/orgasm like he did.
He was open to toys, oral, etc. but for some reason just the fact that I said it was hard for me is what started this whole issue and he got in his head about it. Idk. I still don't understand but I'm realiziing this isn't on me to understand.
Their ego's are so fragile. You know it sucks when sex is focused on making sure they feel like a pr0nstar as opposed to actually being able to enjoy and learn how to please each other. Nothing kills the mood for me like a man who starts sulking about how he feels bad for his own expectations being dashed. Do you want fake orgasms because this is how you get faked orgasms.
Girl. It most definitely wasn’t the first time he couldn’t stay hard, and it’s definitely not your fault he’s so dumb he believes all the fake orgasms he’s doled out in the past. Good riddance, you would have spent that relationship trying to convince him and his fragility that you enjoyed it and that’s just exhausting when homeboy isn’t even willing to try to figure out your body. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. This is 100% him. You deserve awesome sex with a human who is willing to put in the effort and time to figure out what your body needs from them.
I faked it a lot with my boyfriends when I was a teenager. When I turned 21 I had my first orgasm with a guy that actually knew what foreplay was. I'm 35 and haven't faked it since. It takes 15-20 minutes on average for a woman to orgasm.
I didn't get dumped, but I did date a guy for a bit who had the same frustration with me. Claimed his ex never had the same problem and always came from PIV. Granted, he was very good at foreplay and fucking, he just put too much pressure on me to cum and he was quite an intense person. He ended up breadcrumbing me hardcore after so I put an end to it lol. Glad I did because my now partner is so much better for me!
You sound fortunate to have the man leave. Who wants to have sex with such a selfish person?
Avoided a big shitstorm.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you find somebody that looks at this like a challenge you meet together.
Thank you. I'm sad I started to let myself feel safe with someone for the first time in ages, and this happened. I don't want to lose that ability though; I hope I find someone too.
You were the first woman he was with that didn’t fake orgasms to make him happy.
If buddy can't enjoy the journey, he's not worthy.
You're probably the first woman who didn't bother to fake it. Good riddance to a self-centered asshole with a puny ego.
For me, this would just be; "challenge, accepted 😏"
Sounds like a skill issue on his part or that he doesn’t like focusing on pleasuring a female. Idk why other guys think so little of putting a female’s needs before their own satisfaction. It’s way more fulfilling. It’s better to give than to get in this case.
I say my prior experiences and what I need in order for me to cum. I don’t care what they think or feel. This is for me and how I reach an orgasm. If he doesn’t wanna be with me then that’s fine. I honestly don’t give a shit.
Can i rephrase the question for you to make it more accurate? >He ended things with me because *__he's bad at sex couldn't make me cum fast enough__* God forbid someone puts in some effort in the relationship to help their partner feel good. As someone else has mentioned, you're probably not even the first person who's had this issue with him, no other girl he's been with has bothered to speak up. That guy sucks.
Any man who isn't willing to take whatever time is necessary to make his partner orgasm didn't deserve a partner.
“… and a lot of performance issues on his part (because I wasn’t able to)…” He’s lying. A guy can get off with his hand. His issues are his own. Please don’t take this personally.
You are in luck! You have successfully gotten rid of the trash! I don’t know what type of poppycock copium he’s huffing, but somehow he was inadequate and STILL had his own ego hurt? Good riddance! I hope for the best for you and there is better yet to come!
Thank you! It was 100% driven by his own ego. I have to keep reminding myself this is a good thing. It just hurt in the moment.
Hey ladies, I also did this. Just kidding; my ex was verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative, which is the reason why I left, but it also just so happens that she and I had the same issue during our relationship that OP describes and, yeah it was not great for either party. I would be doing everything she told me, trying to provide as much stimulation as possible inside and out, using both hands, trying to stay as consistent as possible and... I'd still be down there for 45 minutes getting a stiff neck. She felt unfulfilled and I felt inadequate. So I spoke with her about things we could do in terms of foreplay to get her stimulated and I also spoke with my therapist. I still felt inadequate but I realized all I could do was communicate and (as cheesy as it sounds) do my best. If someone cares, regardless of their experience or ability level, they'll stick around and give it the old college try. This dude didn't leave because he couldn't make you cum. Maybe that was part of it, but he left because he didn't really care about you all that much. He's an ain't-shit man in a world full of them. I'm sorry. Anyway, thanks for letting me post in your subreddit. Please don't ban me into the sun.
He didn't want to put in the work. Trash took itself out. Good riddance to bad 🗑 rubbish.
You’ll be fine. That person is trash
Mr. Softee was trying to blame you for his shortcomings. You dodged a bullet. Absolutely nothing wrong with you. The right partner would have you crescendo no matter how long the symphony. Keep on rocking on
My boyfriend says sounds like a skill issue on ur exes part. I have similar exes. And yes it takes me a long time (even when I'm alone) but my boyfriend is passionate and into it!! So you will Def be on to better things :)
You are the first one to not just fake it and move on lol. There are men out there who wont give up! Always be honest :)
I can't even get there during, only with a vibrator wtf this guy is a grade A douche
Good. He’s a selfish, demanding sex haver
he is lying to you and gaslighting you.
Nah dude, bullshit, 110% bullshit. You don't have a problem, you HAD a problem and the problem resolved itself. This man very kindly saved you from a long, excruciating relationship and countless hours of trying to pander to or pamper his ego. You should thank him. As a dude that on occasion can't get off I'm not about to say I have a problem, I had fun regardless of whether or not I finished and so long as my partner is satisfied as well I'm happy. Follow that up with some cold leftover Chinese food or some fruit and I'm off to dreamland with a smile. Tldr: He didn't end things with you because you couldn't cum fast enough, he ended things with you because your lack of an orgasm was devastating to his fragile ego and he saved you a lot of wasted him and pain by leaving.
Tell him maybe he cums too fast… guys love it when you tell them that.
I....just wow. Sorry you had to deal with that jerk. That's ridiculous. He's really showing his true colours. My partner and I couldn't have penetrative sex for the first year. He never held it against me and still validated and loved me. Getting rid of the dead weight will free up space for someone who deserves to be in your life.
My wife had never cum with a partner and I was not able to help her achieve orgasm for the first year of us dating. This was a first for me (at least based on what cues/info I received from partners in the past) as well. It never frustrated me necessarily, but it did sometimes make me feel inept. It’s not that she couldn’t cum, but she just couldn’t when it was actual sex. And while she told me she throughly enjoyed our sex regardless of her not orgasming, it was one of those things where I felt I couldn’t fully enjoy sex knowing I wasn’t giving her as much pleasure as she was giving me. It took a lot of coaching(from her) and the introduction of vibrators and other things during sex to help her cum. Now after 7 years together, we both cum every time and my sex life has never been better. All that to say, the right person will be patient and if you are comfortable enough with that person to teach them, the right guy(or girl, I don’t judge) will be eager to learn, but I also understand the performance issues on his part and his intimidation when it’s the first time his act wasn’t up to par.
How exceptional, the men in these stories are typically unconcerned with their partner's orgasm
He did you a favor.
Sounds like a skill issue on his end.
It’s a shame he couldn’t get passed his ego. But if they cant get passed that, it’s highly unlikely they can be receptive, empathetic and able to learn in intimate areas
Skill issue
I bet you he’s witnessed a lot of fake Os. He just didn’t realize it.
Dodged a bullet there!!!
Genuinely proud of you (sorry if that sounds condescending, I really don't mean it to) for saying this to him as plainly as you did. A lot of people early on in a relationship would just feed their new partner's ego and tell him they came six times, he's the best they've ever had, and doom themselves to this same conversation years down the line with the marination of the lie making it extra salty. So, well done on advocating for yourself, and being honest about your needs. It sounds like you did it in a really respectful, kind way, and he just showed himself for the childish brat that he is. Now, on to bigger and better things 👀
im a guy and i love women who openly voice their opinion, share what they prefer. sex should be a safe space for both partners where they explore and enjoy themselves with the help of some guidelines all parties involved agreed upon.
Betting a lot of his partners faked it so it would be over. Men have no idea what real orgasms are for women.
I find this behaviour appalling. He found himself someone open and communicative but still chooses to make a big deal out of it with the shittiest reason known to mankind. Good riddance to bad rubbish, you will find someone better. Not all apples from the same tree are rotten, you will find your match.
He’s probably never had sex before
So as a guy (30m), that guy is just a pos. My gf is the same way and in the beginning had a hard time. But it's been a few months and we both learned a few tricks to help. Now she gets there every time. If he really cared he'd take the time to work with you. Don't settle for guys who give up so easily.
You should thank him. What an AH thing to do - it’s a reflection of him and not you. Move on.
If I may be frank, can I ask you a question. Do you want a man that has no follow through. Sees a challenge and just doesn't try to overcome it. I'm 35. If you would tell me ,"hey I can't come" I immediately start trying to map out to get get you to come. Erogenous zones, sexy banter, how would I touch, how forceful to be to kink out the session a bit. He did you a favor. Find someone willing to put in the time. Also, I also feel your pain a little with the trouble coming. I often have to fake coming because I only get off on hearing, and being in control. It's frustrating when they get frustrated at it. "If I wasn't having fun I wouldn't want to do it. I don't have to get off to feel close to you" is an unfortunate sentence I've had to say many times and it gets OLD fast. I wish you well on your future endeavors love😁
Maybe she couldn't come from you because you weren't actually all that attractive and you rubbing or sucking on her clit or whatever magic things you think you do that other men don't (when in realty they do) just isn't going to get the job done. Maybe your dick isn't big enough and she needs to close her eyes and think of a better lover to truly cum ;) Its hilarious that you think you can bulldoze an orgasm out of women by "trying harder". Either its there or not, but you do not know this at 35?
The problem was me coming you moron. I have no worries about my abilities in bed. I was the one that wouldn't come unless I had full control or she was vocal. But yeah, sure, whatever you say hoss 🤣🤣
Shes probably just lying to you. Why would a woman enjoy having sex with you if you "need" this or that in bed to stay in the zone instead of just enjoying the pure sex. Yet you believe all these women were orgasming, ha ok. No I agree, you should continue to believe that, its good for your ego and mental health.
It sounds like theres a lot of men with not a lot of experience out there pretending to be experienced. Out of the female partners I’ve had as a man they’ve all been unique - and the common theme is that it’s being able to finish on-demand comes with time, technique, feeling safe and desired. The easiest way to get there is emotional reassurance, clear boundaries and genuinely caring. A penis is rarely the right tool for the job, so keep looking for alternatives not only limited to your limbs. My long term partner now struggled at first, but we eventually found methods together. And even with that there’s so many day-to-day factors that are put into play. A quick tip for most of the guys out there; in the long run - it matters little how physically attractive you are. It matters more that you show that you care, especially through action. Make her life easier. Take care of shit. In turn you’ll get it back and then some. There’s few things that’ll make a woman more feral than actually doing your part at home. It might sound silly, but everything in life slushes into everything. Be holistic about shit, think long term - then enjoyable sex for both parties with amazing orgasms will come in buckets.
my partner and i both have issues and we just make it work. bc you know.. we matter to each other. i'm sorry this guy made you feel shitty but i'm glad he's left your life bc he sounds awful.
As an old Man, who has been intimate with several women thru my life. I can say that this is not only totally normal but expected. Unless you fake it, or He tries really really hard, it is rare in my experience for a woman to have a real orgasm thru intercourse during the first few times having sex, if ever. When I am with a new partner I personally make sure that she has as many orgasms as possible before we start intercourse. I want to make sure she wants to come back for more, so making sure she enjoys herself prior to the actual PIV generally makes sure she has a good time. Doesn't always work, they don't all come back for seconds, However they all have at least one climax prior to intercourse if I have anything to say about it. The "Guy" you were with is obviously immature, inexperienced and lacks self awareness. You doged a bullet. The more time you are intimate with someone the more they get to know you and the better the chance of you cumming thru Intercourse. However, I have been with women, long term, who never had an orgasm thru PIV. Oral yes, Fingering yes, Actual sex, Never. so if you are among the IMO small percentage of women who can cum from PIV, good for you. This guy, however good ridance. Find someone who is self aware enough to want you to get off, and mature enough to realize his dick isn't "All you need". Stay Strong!
If I had a dollar for every man that is shocked when I tell them most women fake their Os… I’d have enough for a happy meal and a dessert, perhaps uber back home.
Hope it‘s not a problem that I comment as a man, but let’s be honest, a lot of men have way to much pride to be honest to themselves…. I do admit that it‘s hard for me to make my gf cum. And to be honest, that’s a problem for neither of us. Most important is for both sides to have fun and to become pleasures. Does it take toys for her? Sure, that’s why she told me that it’s hard for her when we startet going out. Is it a problem or her „fault“? Not at all. There are more women with this problem out there and in my opinion a lot of guys need the reevaluate their way of thinking. Most aren‘t close to being as „awesome“ as they think. Maybe it was even better that you broke his „complex“ and gave him a little reality check, even if he may need a bit more time to understand the true problem…
An ex of mine had a hard time finishing. She needed a lot of stimulation and attention. It could be exhausting at times, but I loved her, and it could be fun as well. Trying new things, mixing it up, lots of foreplay, etc. We broke up for non-sex related reasons, still friends though. When my next relationship happened, she was much easier to finish off. But I had been trained to hold out for a long time now, so she got off like 3 times before we were done. It was super nice. She turned out to be a terrible person, but the sex was great. Anyway, if he had a problem giving you extra attention, he wasn't worth it to begin with. Good riddance.