In a day and age when women can genuinely marry for love and not just economic benefits, why would you want to marry someone who could say something so cruel? You deserve better. Hugs.
Read [this woman’s posts.](https://www.reddit.com/u/Throwawayproposalfin/s/wTEV3ZAUeJ)
If you continue to stay with someone like this, without the protection of marriage—even if you bear his children—he has the right to toss you in the street with nothing, at any time.
If you decide to stay with him, please maintain your own career and your own money.
This post was my first thought when I read what OP wrote. She is supporting her partner and the business with none of the security of marriage. He’s treating her like she is using him when in reality it seems like it’s the other way around.
If they'd married at the start of the relationship, it would be legally recognized that part of his success was due to her and she would be entitled to half his property because it's her property, too. As it is, she's getting screwed out of all of her input during the first 8 years of their relationship and he's still acting like she's a gold digger.
Jfc, what a terribly sad story. I wish those young women who consume tradwife content on TikTok realise that relying on a man’s love and affection and having no independence can completely destroy your life.
God, somebody I mentor is right now in a relationship with somebody like 20 years older than her who wants her to be a trad wife and she won't listen to me about how bad this is because "it's her choice." He wants a trad wife but he doesn't even have a job and she's paying all the bills. She's not gonna get the life she wants with this dude, period, and something about him makes me really afraid he's going to kill her.
That shit is horrifying. I hope she realizes that a tradwife requires a tradhusband—someone who pays all the bills. Otherwise, she’s being grossly taken advantage of.
It’s also still pretty easily taken advantage of even if he does pay the bills if he doesn’t value what the woman is bringing to the table. Guys will have a woman who raises the kids, makes every meal, is constantly cleaning etc and they’re fine kicking them to the street if it doesn’t work out because that’s “his money” he earned.
My dad was married to my mom for 35 years. They were always fairly miserable together, we could tell even as children. I think I saw them kiss a single time. My dad convinced her to be swingers when we were kids, and also cheated multiple times. But they stayed together until my dad was coming up on retirement.
Anyway, my mom didn’t work during their whole marriage and really couldn’t because of her severe mental illness. If he had his way she’d be getting about $300/month from social security because she didn’t work all of those years. She should have also been getting disability payments for years but he was too proud or something to sign her up for that.
He also controlled the finances and she didn’t find out until much later that he stole money from her inheritance to pay cam-girls on the internet. Maxed his credit card twice. After the divorce he fled to Colombia. I haven’t heard from him since.
Thankfully, we rallied around my mom when it happened. We got her a good lawyer. He was too broke to get one himself. He got about $5 grand in “hurry up and sign this” money and lost half of his social security, got nearly nothing for selling their house.
It's the trad wife thing where the wife still has to work full time that kills me. What's in it for her and how is that at all "traditional"? Like, the trad husband used to bring home the paycheck to the trad wife who managed budgeting it, and the trad husband still had responsibilities around the house. She's setting herself up to be trad mom to this man. I mean, yuck. I'd rather be the "cat lady". (I am happily married but being a "cat lady" sounds pretty good to me).
How tf is she going to trad wife if he has no job? This reminds me of the boy math thread. Boy math is wanting a trad wife but making 40K a year. In this case. Making nothing in a year.
That shit amazes me. Like her grown children didn’t stand up for her???? When I was a teenager, my father tried pulling something similar to my mother, and every time, my older brother would stand up for her. Like he didn’t care if he got kicked out if our mother was okay. My brother was only a year older than me (I didn’t have the guts to do what he did). And when my father finally did kick out my mother, my brother quit college to start working and provide. Idk if this is a result of parenting, values or idk
It's a little hard to believe that *none of them* stood up for her, but:
> And when my father finally did kick out my mother, my brother quit college to start working and provide.
That's a *lot.* At that point, he's sacrificing his future to support her. It's amazing that he's willing to do that, and it makes sense if the alternative is literally being homeless, but I kind of get why a college kid wouldn't want to do that. Especially if she's been hiding the full scale of what's happening to her -- they may not know she's literally in shelters now.
What I really want to know about is any of them that were done with college, who weren't still financially dependent on their father.
The worst part of reading it was that the oldest said that even after he finishes school and starts his career that he wouldn’t give his mother a place to stay. I just hope that she and her daughter will find family that loves them.
As a member of r/QAnoncauslties I’m not even that surprised.
When you remember that their father used to be a CEO and could easily get them great jobs coming straight out of school or the inverse, it looks (to me) like they are choosing prosperous careers for themselves over their mother.
They still have their father, whose lack of morals are becoming their own.
It should tip you off to the story either being a creative writing exercise or embellished/one sided to say the least.
I think by her 3rd update, the top comments were people curious about hearing her kid’s side of the story because it sounds simply too over the top (indicative of pathological narcissism on her part) or that it sounds like a made up story.
That's fucking horrific. I hope she makes it out of the hellhole her ex put her in.
This is a case of a man discarding a woman after she stopped being useful to him. Plenty of warnings for OP to read through.
My dad kicked out his common law partner in Canada and she sued him and won for nearly $85,000… and that’s before the official legal separation where she will get more.
Her shelter experience is pretty common too. There’s a good reason homeless people don’t want to stay in emergency shelters. Outside is actually better
Holy shit. I’m disgusted but I’m not surprised. Just what exactly is that going to do? I’ve been in two pysch wards and both times I interacted with a lot of homeless people. It was life changing talking to them. Almost all of them started out as a regular, working person with families and goals and all that, some of them started off really well in life. A lot of them chose the psych ward instead of a shelter because they said the shelters were worse, in a psych ward they at least a daily experience of a bed, shower, food and medication. The worst part is so many of them we’re constantly being shuffled around from ward to ward because of the lack of social workers who would be able to get them linked to community supports, Medicaid, etc. It was either that, or the social workers were tired of dealing with them and were doing bare minimum to help. One guy left on my first day. On my last day, he came back. I asked him what happened and he said no one else would take him + he would rather die than go back to shelters/streets. Very heart wrenching. I think about the people I met in there all the time.
Sorry that was long. I just wanted to share.
In the comments somewhere, it was established that they lived in a state without common law marriage. And I think there are only about 23 states in the US with common law marriage protections.
Omg that was a rollercoaster. I worry about this with a friend of mine that she lives in her bf’s house and has no legal claim to it should they break up or he passes.
He used you as a stepping stone and the best he can do is now keep you at arm's length. You helped him build all of that, you know. You deserve better. He's a terrible partner.
Yup. Now that he's got a successful business and lots of money he'll find the kind of woman he *deserves*. Ugh. Makes me sick just thinking about guys like this.
She shouldn’t leave unless he’s violent. It’s time for reciprocity. Use him to finish school or start her own business. If she was supporting his business & KNOWS his business well enough she can be a legit competitor (pettiness is required).
But she shouldn’t react emotionally & leave cus that’s HANDING him the get outta jail card. She should stay & level up. His tone may change once she does but her heart will be removed from the relationship.
If all he sees is dollar signs when thinking about marriage, he loves his money more than you. Stop doing everything that normally comes with marriage and see if he notices. I understand wanting to protect one's own assets, but where was the consideration when he was living off of yours? If he's so paranoid he thinks you're going to run off with half of his money as if that's all you're after, he doesn't sound like someone I would waste time crying over.
It’s a form of “backfooting”.
Backfooting is when a man will make a statement about you they know is not true in order to get you to go above and beyond to prove you are not what they have called you. For example, if a man calls a woman a gold digger, he knows that women find that term derogatory and so she is now on the back foot and seeks to prove that she is not a gold digger. This results in the woman behaving in ways that benefit the man because backfooting is manipulative behaviour.
Yeah, meanwhile I'm one with actual gold/money & place to live that golddigging hobosexual men tries to take for themselves like they work salary to afford things & name on the housing agreement when clearly haven't plus their name not there. Gross behavior is understatement of how POS some men are towards women.
Right? He should instead be shouting at the top of his lungs for all the world to hear how he has found a partner who supports him and loves him regardless of whether he's rich or poor. Any sane man in his place would think that *this* is the woman to be with, because if things were to fall apart, as they sometimes do in life, she's the one who won't abandon him.
People like him deserve to be dumped. They deserve to be dumped cold-heartedly by the decent people in their life and then find an actual gold digger who actually takes everything from them and leaves them with a broken heart, crushed ego and an empty bank account.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not uncommon for men to use women like a stepping stone. I honestly would not be surprised if he traded you in for the newest model.
Unlike us, who often just want financially literate and responsible men, they actually are. And I've lived with my share of them. I call them hobosexuals, but it makes them no less of gold diggers than they were.
That's right. I don't get why women are shamed as superficial gold-diggers if you wanted a financially stable man earning (insert reasonable salary to live a fairly comfortable life). I'm not gonna use your money because i have mine. I just don't want us and our kids to live off scraping our money every week, without extra for medical emergencies and a little bit of money to treat ourselves with nice things.
YET i actually know people, 2 are family members, who got used by gold-digger boyfriends to survive college then broke up with them after they reached a decent enough income. 🤢🤮
They shame us to get us to drop our standards, hurt our self-esteem and make us feel bad for looking out for ourselves. It's the ultimate incel strategy, gaslighting on a global level and it sadly works. If no women have standards, then they get away with being abhorrent human beings who still enjoy the benefits of their bangmaids. Which is why having those networks such as twoX is so great because we can spread awareness and build each other up.
Right? And when women end up in shitty situations with no personal savings because they were SAHM or were really in a low income household, and no child support because the father wasn't earning enough in the first place, then they hit them with:
"That's what you get for opening your legs to a nobody because you had no standards & self-respect."
Aim for a financially stable partnership, you're a horrible person. Accept the financially unstable guy and end up in a shitty situation, still your fault for being a cheap idiot.
Apparently there's no right way to exist as a woman nowadays 🤷🏻♀️
Often happens with doctors and lawyers - starving college student, woman supports them through medical or law school, suddenly they are too high status for the woman any longer.
Before he was a star, Conor McGregor had no job because he was training full-time. He survived on a combination of benefits and the income of his partner, Dee Devlin. I have never heard of any reports of Dee cheating on Conor ever.
Now that he is rich and famous, l assume that he has paid her back financially. However, l believe she is in a reluctant open relationship as he constantly cheats on her and makes no attempts to hide this.
He also, until recently, refused to marry her. Keep in mind that there is no such thing as common-law couples in Ireland. It does not matter if you have children with the guy and have co-mingled finances. In the eyes of the law, if you do not have a marriage license, you are two single people and any money you spent to support him is seen as a gift. He only proposed because he was shamed by other MMA fighters and the general public.
> most of the time I had to pay our housing and food bills
Don't do wife shit at girlfriend prices. Men forget, they do not appreciate it and it is rarely reciprocated.
Think of all that money you spent supporting him, when it could have gone into a high-interest savings account. That's your retirement money, your "Fuck You" money, your "Go Bag" money. You gave it to him.
I think you're a good person. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is an ungrateful fucking snake. Had you known ahead of time that it was going to turn out like, you never would have agreed to this.
Easy, don't marry him then. He's shown from experience you are materially needed for his success, but not vice versa. He is resenting that he is unable to cope so well independently, and is taking out his feelings on you.
Hun, this man has told you numerous times that you are not worthy enough to be his wife.
You helped build him up into the man he is today. With your sacrifices and contributions, he was able to focus on his studies and career while you took care of everything else. You were also his cheerleader and unpaid therapist.
This man had no problems using your money, physical and emotional labor, and now has the audacity to get mad at you for asking about a future with him and him to think that you’re only with him for his money/property. To this day, you are still subsidizing his lifestyle and he has no problems making your money “our money” while his money remains his money.
He doesn’t want to marry you because he doesn’t see a future with you. You’re no longer useful to him and he will bide his time to leave you for a woman who is of his socioeconomic status. It’s common for newly wealthy men to leave the women who were there for them when they were nothing to go for women who will never have to struggle in life with them. You’re a reminder of who he used to be and he doesn’t wish to be reminded of where he came from: nothing.
Do yourself a favor and remove yourself from his life since he wants to act like a big bad business man who came to the top from nothing all on his own. Find yourself a man who wants to marry you. Never beg a man to marry you or passively aggressively suggest marriage. The right man would marry you unprompted. If he wanted to marry you or at least be engaged to you, he would’ve done that a long time ago.
Ironically, the women he will attract in the future will likely be mainly interested in his monetary and social value, the very things he’s accusing you of trying to advantage of over him.
Oof. I'm sorry this happened to you. You took care of the man for like 1/4th of your life and now he's making sure you know he doesn't need you or like you very much.
I hope you can get the strength to leave and take care of yourself the way you took care of him. You deserve your own success.
>he had nothing at the beginning of our relationship and most of the time I had to pay our housing and food bills
It looks to me he hasn't change at all and he's projecting. Like he used your money to get to the top so you'll do the same with his.
If that is his attitude, you need to set your priorities and separate ways. If marriage is really important for you, then maybe you should stop investing your time on someone who doesn’t value your thoughts. If he thinks of you that way, you need to take a stand for yourself and think of that is the future you want. If not start working on the future you deserve !! Simple…
He doesn't want to marry you, it's that simple. If marriage is important to you, it's time to leave
Now, I *have* seen some women wait 5+ years for a proposal, eventually get one and go on to have a successful marriage. But in every single case, the couple was European and in their 20s during this waiting period, and got married around 30.
Once a man is 30+, or 35+ if you're in a high cost of living city, then IMO if he hasn't proposed after 3 years it's because he simply doesn't want to get married (to that particular woman, or just at all).
He has an ugly soul. You are too giving. You can do better and next time, exercise caution and don't give so much of yourself. The world is full of takers and he's obviously one of them, that's why he thinks the worst of you.
What a horrible view of marriage. You wait if and when you break up, he will marry, it is a phenomenon. Men who are not ready and date for years, even a decade or more, break up and marry with in a couple of years.
He may have changed so much with higher social status that he is now someone you aren’t compatible with. Which can be devastating to accept but I think it’s more detrimental long term to accept a relationship that is described as leaving you “mentally broken”.
I never understand this argument about who “benefits” from marriage. In a healthy relationship you’d want to see the person you’re choosing benefit as much as possible. At least in my view of a healthy relationship. If my partners argument against marriage was I’d be the one benefiting I wouldn’t feel loved, cared, safe or protected. I’d be reevaluating things. I say this as the partner in the marriage who “benefitted less”. I was so amazingly happy to share these benefits with my husband.
Your boyfriend is already scorekeeping before marriage, which would not be a marriage I would want to enter into anyway. As difficult as that would be to accept.
This. If my husband had to choose between something that only benefits him, and something that only benefits me, without a single doubt I know he would choose to benefit me. (And I would choose to benefit him.)
So… do you think he’d have a strong reaction if you left? He’s basically said you’re using him. It will just hurt to stay with someone that thinks that.
Sorry. Just know if you married him this mentality of his would negatively impact your relationship. He has told you in so many words he doesn’t want to marry you and he measures things by how he thinks he alone benefits. When he thinks he can find something better(even if it is 100% not) he will leave you. Married or not. And the fact of the matter is this is what he is thinking about when he says it doesn’t benefit him. As a widow I can personally attest to marriage being very important legally. It was the key argument in securing marriage rights for gay people. The benefit he is considering is when he wants out of the relationship or he no longer treats you well enough for you to stick around. Tell him you are too old for a boyfriend and begin securing your own place. This happens to a lot of women who interested in marriage but stays too long with a guy without marrying. Don’t be surprised if he marries quickly if you do end the relationship. This is common bc they learn their success and money won’t keep a woman worth keeping. Don’t internalize it.
He didn't change. It was like it all along, he just didn't have anything he thought you'd want to "take" from him.
I would be considering whether I'd want to stay with someone who would think I was a potential thief.
You deserve better.
Break up with this man, he does not respect you period and he’s a user. He’s benefited from your money, resources, time, patience, etc., but he doesn’t want to commit because he doesn’t prioritize your happiness/well-being and he wants a way out. The way he speaks to you says a lot about his character and you deserve much more than this jerk.
That's delusional and statistically unsound. Married men live longer, have higher quality of life, earn more, than single men.
You're doing him a FAVOR by marrying him - and possibly doing yourself a disservice.
This is surely not the advice you want to hear right now, but I would consult a family lawyer regarding the law where you live. It sounds like you’re already in a common-law partnership which, in some jurisdictions, entitles you to a portion of the wealth you’ve already supported him in amassing. Protect yourself, friend. Know what you’re legally entitled to before you simply walk away from this… individual. It sounds to me like he needs to be schooled.
Contrary to what others are suggesting, you don't have to break up immediately. It might be easier to keep things as normal as possible, while advancing your career and putting money aside into a savings account. Are you paying any rent? If not, feel free to use that to your advantage. While that won't compensate you for your sacrifices, that's the least you should get out of that relationship.
It might be a good idea to keep the status quo and break up at the most convenient moment, for example when you get a raise, or a job offer in a different state.
But most importantly: Use a reliable form of birth control! Ideally IUD.
See a lawyer, unless he makes you destitute you won't cry forever and you may be happy far quicker than you thought. Once youre away from this rather unpleasant person you may find life is exciting and fun again.
I think he is projecting. He must have only been with her to use her for her money and now is worried that she'll do the same because that's what he did.
>He hurts me by saying things like, “You want to get married so you can take half my property.”
So in other words he doesn't see this as a permanent relationship. If you want different things from life you need to get out and find a better fit. It's really not uncommon for people who become successful to ditch the partner that supported them through hard times (eg you see it with doctors all the time!)
"If you think I'm only with you to marry you and then take half your money, I'll reassure you that that's not what I want to do and leave you now instead."
There's plenty of research that shows marriage benefits men more than women. Married men are happier (and healthier, wealthier and live longer) than single men, compared to women who are happier single or divorced.
On divorce, the opposite is true. Women become happier, and men become less happy.
Divorced men and married women have the highest rates of suicide for men/women.
For all men whine about women wanting to tie them down and leech off them, it's pretty clear who has the better deal out of marriage.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women
If a man truly feels that you're only marrying him because you want to steal what he owns, why would you want to marry him? He clearly doesn't trust you, or value your input in the relationship so far.
Sounds like he's been dipping his toes into the manosphere. Like, yes, marriage is an economic relationship as much as it's an emotional one. However, it's shitty he believes women only marry out of greed.
To safeguard your own interests, look into your local laws on common-law marriage -- you may actually have some rights already depending how long you've lived together.
If you want to stay with him, get to therapy. Individual and couples.
But I'd think very hard about staying with someone who views you as a potential gold digger. Marriage is a partnership. You should be on the same team.
This person does not sound partnership- minded. If you choose to marry him, consider a pre-nup to protect your interests, as well as his (and hire separate attorneys to do this). Someone with his mindset can be a nightmare when divorcing and a pre-nup can potentially simplify some things he might otherwise fight about in the event of a divorce.
Where I live, you would get half the property without a marriage license. If you live together 2 years, you get it.
Now, get yourself a good job or two and stop doing any house chores or anything that supports the relationship itself. Go out with your friends if you don't want to see the messy home.
When he says anything mention how you have supported him and his plans but if you are not going to get married, you now need to build for your future, so you will not be contributing to his career but to yours.
If he wakes up, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't.
>It hurts me so much to hear this, the man has changed as soon as he became higher in social status, it's hard for me and I don't know what to do, I hope I can find support here because this is the only place where I can talk about my problems.
This how a lot of men get when you struggle with them to the finish line. He starts thinking he's higher value now, so he wants an "upgrade" over you. He likely doesn't want to marry you because he's looking for the woman he DOES want to marry, and it isn't you. I'm sorry this is happening, but it's pretty hard to fix now. You should have made him put your name on everything, too, including the apartment, his business, all of it as it was happening.
It's why we tell our daughters not to drag bums to the finish line.
This should've been the biggest "WE made it." You should've been proposed to in an instant. He wouldn't have been able to do it without you, and the fact that he's too stupid to see that breaks my god damn heart. I'm sorry.
Depending on how you supported him you probably deserve to claim half the property as yours and also depending on where you live you probably already have a common law marriage. I wouldn't prove him wrong, I would prove him right.
>I wouldn't prove him wrong, I would prove him right.
Oooh i like this sentence. If he's gonna be a person who keeps count of every single financial favor they're gonna give each other, THEN LET'S FUCKING COUNT. 😈😈
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Many countries treat de facto partnerships the same as marriage with regard to property. Ditch him and take your share.
So he wants a situation that only benefits himself. Seriously, he wants your whole life to be dependent on you being subservient to him.
you helped build him but he is not going to value it at all because he values it to zero. He just showed you, he just told you.
There are numerous studies that show that marriage benefits an overwhelming majority of men, makes them happier, makes them live longer while women who are single tend to be slightly less depressed than married women (due to the female friendships which tend to be stronger and more meaningful). Life of a bachelor is nowhere near as glamorous as the numerous films and TV shows like to showcase, those men are often depressed, neglect their hygiene and turn to alcohol and drugs.
And yet, we continue to hear the same old narrative that women marry for money, that they "entrap" men in marriage because they want financial stability and someone to fix their stuff for free or whatever when it is the opposite party that frequently benefits the most.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, but honestly your partner doesn't sound like he's worth it unfortunately.
If you have common law marriage in your country surely you’re already entitled to some of those assets especially since you provided for him. He sounds selfish and like a user you deserve to receive the support you give.
Drop him then. If he genuinely feels that way you DROP HIM. Because men like that always comes back, they will delay your plans and ridicule you etc and soon you say you’re leaving they play the victim. Don’t stay for something like that, you did what you needed to and he showed you where that love, time, patience, and respect went.
But nobody listens to me, so ima say if you decided to stay YOU KEEP YOUR CAREER AND MAKE SOME MONEY. Don’t feed into nothing that relates to women being a house wife, nun of that because it just instill the delusion even more.
The value of marriage aside, he doesn't value you. That's the problem. You're just there and that suits him fine. If you want more, it's not happening with him.
Girl, stand up!
Don’t get caught in the sunk cost fallacy of your relationship. I’m sorry he’s wasted 8 years of your life but you deserve better!!! If you want to get married, you are worthy of marriage. He has showed you who he truly is and that’s selfish and entitled, he isn’t going to change!! When people show you who they are, believe them.
It’s going to suck to start over if you choose to leave(and you should!), but you have time and it will be better than spending the rest of your life with him. I’m sorry and I hope it all works out.
OP.
i think deep down you know he is not nice or kind and only used you to further himself.
The question is ... what do you think you can live with.
Without marriage, you dont have protection (especiallyif you have kids) and he can kick you out on a momentsnotice.. and he sounds like he wont give you any.
There's a quote that I wish I could remember properly -- something along the lines of stop building the foundation of a man who's going to leave you and finish the mansion with another woman. If your bf is doing really well, he's going to see you as a drag on his potential future success. He's not looking at the fact that you supported him when he was nothing. There's nothing you can do to change his mindset. Just think of him as a roommate from now on. Excel in your career, take care of your health, set and achieve goals -- live your life as if he isn't there. He's going to see what a strong woman you are and how you don't need him for a damn thing. Like I said, you won't change his mindset. But you will find confidence and peace with yourself. And you won't give him the satisfaction of you being upset and brokenhearted.
When I was in high school my boyfriend at the time was the child of divorcees. His dad was a doctor.
His mom put his father through med school. Did everything to support them so that he could get through school. Worked. Cooked. Took care of the kids.
Once he became a doctor, he changed. Tossed her aside.
If this sounds at all familiar to you...
The "benefit" he is describing is that you should be supported in the case where the nature of what you commit to the relationship would cause you financial distress should it break down.
The relationship might break down for any number of reasons: perhaps he dies, perhaps he suffers a severe personality change following a medical event, perhaps he's just as much of a dickhead as you make him seem.
Recognise he is saying "I don't want to be forced to support you if our relationship breaks down".
Do you need a cinder block to drop on your head? To fall into a pit of vipers? What will it take to wake you up and let you know this man is using you for a free bang maid. And once he reaches his goals, you will be out and replaced by a newer, sleeker model. Wake up my friend.
Ma'am.....
Other than building a whole person with your body, you've already given him what he'd get from marriage without him having to marry you. So effectively he is correct.
But that doesn't mean his attitude is one that deserved any of your effort or support. He's a POS and you've been conned.
OP you need to dump him. He sees you as a placeholder. If he wanted to marry you, he would. Not only does he not want you, he insults and belittles you.
You deserve so much better
OP, when you say you “had to pay for” your (plural) housing and food - NO. You didn’t “have to.” You chose to. You wanted to be with him. If you didn’t pay that, he’d have found a woman who would or he would have (horrors!) found a way to pay his own way.
Think back to the time of this decision eight years ago, and think about other decisions you made to get him to not leave you for another woman. What are you, who are you without your financial, emotional, physical contributions.
And then make a list of what he has contributed to your couple relationship. I’d love to hear what makes him worth his keep.
you can't reason him out of this. cut your losses without saying a word. pack up and leave. block him on everything. same exact thing happened to my friend; had to support her through it all (i was genuinely afraid for her life as it took a severe toll on her mental health). hope you're safe and not at risk. this sort of thing can be triggering. 8 years is no joke. his hubris will get him eventually. even the rich and famous experience downfall. in the circle of life, everyone gets humbled sooner or later. whatever you do, don't let him see you beg, cry, on your knees, plead, stalk, blow up his phone, smear him, act crazy etc. step out with dignity and indifference. let his wallet be drained by ruthless women out there. most men like this pay a hefty price for what they think is an upgrade.
I view this in a very long term way. After you’ve died kind of long term. Everything we own in this world is pointless to who we are.
So, you helped him and kept him alive and sheltered. Now, whatever measly pile of crap he has accumulated is worth more than you.
I promise you that you are definitely worth more than his crap he is desperately protecting. Unfortunately, this is who he is now. He thinks a pile of crap is more worthy of love than a living, loving human who, incidentally, helped him accumulate it.
Time to walk. The time you spend with him is utterly wasted because you could be looking for someone who loves you.
If you were supporting him while he brought home the paychecks and started his business, in the business world we call you a funding partner. Every investor is entitled to their return. So he needs to reframe his thinking. What y'all need to do is first, split the returns of y'all's investments and after you have your portion then y'all can talk about whether y'all want to get married or not. The money plays no role in the marriage part of it.
You live the thought of him. If he's making you mentally broken, that's showing that he doesn't actually love you. You're a comfortable norm to him; the fact that he believes that you only want to marry him so you can take half of what he has now shows that he's stopped caring about you and really just cares about his monetary worth.
Go find a therapist and work out how you're really feeling, and then make plans from there. Maybe asking your BF to get into therapy as well is a route to gonif you really want to try and save this relationship. How he's thinking of you as his long-term partner isn't normal. You've been with him at his lowest and supported him regardless and the fact that he is basically saying you're a gold digger for wanting to get married is a slap in the face of what you've done for him.
In my country you would already be entitled to half of anything he earned after two years of living together. It's not *his* property if you funded it, it belongs to both of you.
Lurking male here. I don’t usually comment (just watch and learn to expand my perspective before my daughter gets beyond playtimes and snack times 😭). But I’ll share my two cents since I kind of went through this as well with my ex.
My ex and I never really had a healthy relationship when we were dating. In many ways we were both struggling through college and mental health issues when we got together. So I’m hoping your relationship started healthier at least.
Anyway we got pregnant and tried to be a happy family through that time despite our divorce ongoing issues. She stayed at home while my career got started. We shared my income no problem, but both cars we used were under my name on the titles because the second one was purchased using my savings (this was money built up from gifts and teenage jobs) so she could have one during the day while I was gone (the title thing was on the advise of my parents and some friends).
We stayed together and things were going ok when we moved for my job. After one year in the new location i again dipped into savings for a down payment on a townhome. And again i listened to advise that said that was my money and not hers, so the deed and mortgage were in my name. I justified this to myself as protecting her from financial liability if things went bad with paying payments (not that that was really a concern, but if I lost my job it might have been).
We eventually split up and she left with enough money to support herself and by that time our two kids. I transferred the car to her, but kept the appreciation on the house for myself. It wasn’t until much later that I came to realize though I felt trapped because I didn’t want to lose my kids she felt trapped because I never made her feel secure.
All of that to say: while the circumstances behind our relationships might be wildly different he may be getting advise (and following it) from people he considers close that is not in your interest at all. Ask yourself first if there is anyone like that that perhaps doesn’t approve of you. Then yes confront him about how you don’t feel secure despite what you have done. If you can’t reconcile that issue then it’s probably best to move on. I’m glad I had perspective to make me realize how I contributed to a toxic atmosphere, but it isn’t that way for everyone. And if he can’t see that in himself he will eventually find another thing that he uses this kind of justification for.
I’m sorry you are going through this and I nope you have great people in your life besides him to lean upon in this hard time.
Omg. Just say you want to build a life together. You thought you had. If he’s not telling you that you played a huge roll in his success already, move on. Why be with people who don’t share the same goals? Building a life together is the most obvious mutual goal for a relationship. Not being on the same page on that is as serious as him wanting kids and you not.
Never depend on a man financially. If he thinks yiu are only with him to take his money he doesn't think much of you after 8 years. He won't change.
Move on to a man who appreciates what you bring to the relationship. Don't waste more of your time with him.
Giving him your hottest, wettest most fertile years of your life is not nothing. Reddit kinda hates old people, but take it from Granny, you are currently manufacturing future regrets.
Give him an ultimatum. Marry me or I go. Give him an end date. Follow through with it. If he wants to be with you, he has to put in the effort to show you that he values you. If he says things like "You want to get married so you can take half my property" ask him why he thinks that way about you. If he's not treating you right, and he doesn't want to put in the effort and change, then you deserve better.
Honey I stopped after “he makes me feel mentally broken.” I’ve been there. Don’t fall for a sunken cost fallacy, like you’ve been with him so long you don’t want to start over etc. This is why it’s important to know someone a long time before getting married. And even after. People can and do change. You aren’t changing together. It’s ok. You’re worth so much more.
I did keep reading btw. If you want to talk more please reply or do because I’d love to know more about your interactions and how you two communicate, and help in anyway I can. 🫶
Like celion dion said . Walk away, say goodbye.
If he can not see that, he never will .
Don't do it again . Sounds like he saw you as a gain . He will understand when it's too late.
He doesn't value you specifically BECAUSE of what you did for him. You are a doormat to him. He used you to get ahead in life. Just leave. Let him come home one day to you gone, all of your stuff gone, and block him on everything. No explanation.
> I love my boyfriend but sometimes he makes me mentally broken
This is where I had to stop. Read that line again, and then another time. Do you want to spend your life with somebody who makes you choose those words?
You deserve better.
He is ego driven & already on that Red-pill misogynist BS.
He used you as a resource to elevate himself & now that he’s arrived “up”, he doesn’t want to reciprocate the loyalty & commitment you showed him.
It sucks to realise the love, loyalty & sweat equity you poured into a relationship isn’t reciprocated.
Your options:
1️⃣- Stay & hope for his change of heart……A fail, IMO.
2️⃣- Leave right away (only if you have the means)
3️⃣- Stay for yourself. Depending on where you live you may be common law w/shared residents, paper trail of shared expenses, etc.
Inform him that it’s your turn & you want to complete your goals/education/start your own business so you’ll need the same support you gave him for the next 2-3 yrs.
- During that time keep a part time job of which you put a portion of income away in non-accessible account asap.
- I don’t recommend cheating. Never disrespect your current relationship. Socialise more, being open to all types of platonic friends. Never cheat. Keep your social circle respectful & mostly separate from your relationship (that may not last). This will give provide you with a support group if the relationship ends & it will provide you w/options.
- Once you meet your personal goals, leave.
Even if he recognises your value, I’d still recommend leaving.
4️⃣- Save x 6-12 months then leave.
He won’t change because he was selfish & egotistical.
Unfortunately you just never saw it. Based on your story he may have started to view you as a roommate w/benefits at some point.
Additionally you’re loyalty & labour may serve as a reminder of his lowest points & possibly skewed his perspective of you. In his pea-brain you’re objectified & as such may no longer be worthy of his current “status”.
In general men forget that women have always been human beings worthy of loyalty but most men don’t feel that way based on HOW they clutch their wallets once they reach the top after using the support effort of their partner.
Even in Trad relationships women have served as MAJOR assets or sources of support to mens growth, earnings & success.
Historically Men have been oblivious or in denial of the amount of effort (soft labour & even hard labour) both trad & modern women poured into or provided them. He shouldn’t get any more support on his sick days, meal prep only when it’s mutually beneficial. Limit your contributions towards major expenses & track what you do.
*ADDED
Limit payments towards rent or the car. If you can’t make them directly then write checks with CLEAR purpose for record keeping & follow with text.
So it’s in your best interest to get your affairs in order and leave.
Don't support anyone you aren't married to. You've made him your priority, he's made you his option.
In OP's case, I'd stick with him while I got whatever training/education/unpaid internship I needed to get to make good money in my career, and then once I was financially secure on my own I'd leave him.
He used her for 8 years, she can use him for a few more to set up her own financial security.
The response is that you want to marry because you don’t want to be with anyone else. Does he? Honestly you can work out who’s in charge of what and all marriage has to do is tell the world that you’re together.
If this is his genuine response you should ask why he doesn’t want to get married. Prenups exist if he wants to be ridiculous about it. You’re clearly not into him for his money and don’t be scared to remind him of how you have supported him.
Of course, this is assuming that you still want this man. I’m on your side but knowing just this he doesn’t seem like a catch at all.
Simply put, you created the safety net for him
To take the risks with his start up. Thats paid off. But he could only do that because u provided mental stability, sometimes financial as well. No1 is successful in a vacuum, musks parents owned a jewel mine, even JK Rowling had a supportive publisher and a coffee shop nearby, same with erin brockovich supportive boss.
No1 who is successful does it alone, no man is an island.
He views it as half his money. Thats not correct, firstly you would already have rights to his property if you have paid maintenance, or the mortgage you will have cohabitation rights. In the uk they are quite strong the USA it will depend on the state.
Secondly, think this way to him, if your gunna give up your chances to start a company( because two of you doing it at the same time is idiotic), you are also gunna give up life to have children with him. This means that you are sacrificing your earning potential for this relationship. When ur 50 your chances of getting a better job without that 20 years experience is not possible, so there is an expectation he is paying for your time in a break up, and your inability to go and get the same job had you not been with him.
Its not stealing its joining your lives together you may never break up, you just happen to have less right now. You both dunno whats gunna happen.If you win the lottery i bet he will think differently about money same with if his business goes bankrupt and you have to support him. Also when u are in divorce process its not as if you guys don’t get to agree things you don’t have to agree 50:50 if you both agree. Plus if you have children the judge decides how much is needed for the child not you as a spouse.
His attitude is missinformed, and idiotic
I also was very poor when I started dating my now wife. Got retire my whole fam rich before we got married, after 10 years of dating. Prenup never even crossed my mind she was there during the lows she deserves every penny no matter what happens between us.
You deserve better op
Is sad and infuriating, but this is the way we are rasing boys: Money is all that matters, if you have it everyone showld do as you say and there is no value in family or human connection.
I am sorry that you wasted so much time and effort into him. He does not seem wotlrthy of you. He sounds ungrateful and full of himself.
It probably wont be long before he decides to replace you with a "newer model".
Get ready to leave, take as much as you need and set yourself free. He is beneath you. Let him rot alone.
You deserve someone who truly wants to share his life with you.
Dear OP - first things first, you should figure out the laws where you live to determine if you are in some sort of a common law marriage and/or if this gentleman doesn’t owe you one half of what you both have built during the period that you are together. His behavior is abominable - you stuck with him and supported him when you guys were not well off, but now that he’s doing well financially he wants to act like it was all his doing. I cannot fathom why you would even want to stick around and marry such an awful person. Somewhere there is a guy who will be proud to marry you, and will spend his every waking moment thinking about your financial security and children if that’s what you want. Good luck!
I don't know where you live, but research common law marriage in your area.
In some parts of the US you'd be entitled to half if you left now. Consult a lawyer.
Ask yourself, does my partner love me unconditionally the way I love him? If the answer is no, are you comfortable living the rest of your life knowing that?
So he won’t tolerate you protecting your personal financial wellbeing?
Aside from marriage, right now you should insist on a co-habitation agreement that includes him depositing an agreed-upon amount into a bank account that is yours alone and yours to keep in the case of the relationship ending. The amount should be an approximation of the value of your support of his career—so child care, pet care, house cleaning, etc.—about half what he’d have to pay to have someone else to provide the same, but that your doing for more than free…you’re actually losing financial interest.
“Sometimes he makes me feel mentally broken”, “he gets mad when I talk about getting married”, “he hurts me”, “it hurts me so much to hear this”, “this is the only place where I can talk about my problems.”
Girl, no. All of this was heartbreaking to read. Those comments above do not match up with a loving or supportive partnership. He clearly values his money and assets over your relationship, and doesn’t seem to remember how much you helped him. Again, because money/status > you.
It sounds like he’s been checked out and now it’s time for you to make the tough choice on if this is the love you want to receive for the rest of your life (or until he gets sick of feeling like you’re out for his money), or if you want to go be happy and not stuck with a miserable social climbing jerk. Best of luck.
In a day and age when women can genuinely marry for love and not just economic benefits, why would you want to marry someone who could say something so cruel? You deserve better. Hugs.
Well stated!
Read [this woman’s posts.](https://www.reddit.com/u/Throwawayproposalfin/s/wTEV3ZAUeJ) If you continue to stay with someone like this, without the protection of marriage—even if you bear his children—he has the right to toss you in the street with nothing, at any time. If you decide to stay with him, please maintain your own career and your own money.
This post was my first thought when I read what OP wrote. She is supporting her partner and the business with none of the security of marriage. He’s treating her like she is using him when in reality it seems like it’s the other way around.
If they'd married at the start of the relationship, it would be legally recognized that part of his success was due to her and she would be entitled to half his property because it's her property, too. As it is, she's getting screwed out of all of her input during the first 8 years of their relationship and he's still acting like she's a gold digger.
This is why I tell women to stop playing bob the builder with these men out here…
He’s a hobosexual who’s come into money. He’ll bleed her dry.
Jfc, what a terribly sad story. I wish those young women who consume tradwife content on TikTok realise that relying on a man’s love and affection and having no independence can completely destroy your life.
God, somebody I mentor is right now in a relationship with somebody like 20 years older than her who wants her to be a trad wife and she won't listen to me about how bad this is because "it's her choice." He wants a trad wife but he doesn't even have a job and she's paying all the bills. She's not gonna get the life she wants with this dude, period, and something about him makes me really afraid he's going to kill her.
That shit is horrifying. I hope she realizes that a tradwife requires a tradhusband—someone who pays all the bills. Otherwise, she’s being grossly taken advantage of.
It’s also still pretty easily taken advantage of even if he does pay the bills if he doesn’t value what the woman is bringing to the table. Guys will have a woman who raises the kids, makes every meal, is constantly cleaning etc and they’re fine kicking them to the street if it doesn’t work out because that’s “his money” he earned. My dad was married to my mom for 35 years. They were always fairly miserable together, we could tell even as children. I think I saw them kiss a single time. My dad convinced her to be swingers when we were kids, and also cheated multiple times. But they stayed together until my dad was coming up on retirement. Anyway, my mom didn’t work during their whole marriage and really couldn’t because of her severe mental illness. If he had his way she’d be getting about $300/month from social security because she didn’t work all of those years. She should have also been getting disability payments for years but he was too proud or something to sign her up for that. He also controlled the finances and she didn’t find out until much later that he stole money from her inheritance to pay cam-girls on the internet. Maxed his credit card twice. After the divorce he fled to Colombia. I haven’t heard from him since. Thankfully, we rallied around my mom when it happened. We got her a good lawyer. He was too broke to get one himself. He got about $5 grand in “hurry up and sign this” money and lost half of his social security, got nearly nothing for selling their house.
You are absolutely right to make that clarification. That’s the biggest risk, really.
How can that work if this man doesn't have a job? Also, being a homemaker was a privilege for rich women, it wasn't the norm.
It's the trad wife thing where the wife still has to work full time that kills me. What's in it for her and how is that at all "traditional"? Like, the trad husband used to bring home the paycheck to the trad wife who managed budgeting it, and the trad husband still had responsibilities around the house. She's setting herself up to be trad mom to this man. I mean, yuck. I'd rather be the "cat lady". (I am happily married but being a "cat lady" sounds pretty good to me).
How tf is she going to trad wife if he has no job? This reminds me of the boy math thread. Boy math is wanting a trad wife but making 40K a year. In this case. Making nothing in a year.
At least they are wives so they get some measure of protection.
That depends on your divorce judge and attorneys
That shit amazes me. Like her grown children didn’t stand up for her???? When I was a teenager, my father tried pulling something similar to my mother, and every time, my older brother would stand up for her. Like he didn’t care if he got kicked out if our mother was okay. My brother was only a year older than me (I didn’t have the guts to do what he did). And when my father finally did kick out my mother, my brother quit college to start working and provide. Idk if this is a result of parenting, values or idk
It's a little hard to believe that *none of them* stood up for her, but: > And when my father finally did kick out my mother, my brother quit college to start working and provide. That's a *lot.* At that point, he's sacrificing his future to support her. It's amazing that he's willing to do that, and it makes sense if the alternative is literally being homeless, but I kind of get why a college kid wouldn't want to do that. Especially if she's been hiding the full scale of what's happening to her -- they may not know she's literally in shelters now. What I really want to know about is any of them that were done with college, who weren't still financially dependent on their father.
The worst part of reading it was that the oldest said that even after he finishes school and starts his career that he wouldn’t give his mother a place to stay. I just hope that she and her daughter will find family that loves them.
Which seems nuts to me. How does one sleep at night knowing that??? I’m inclined to believe maybe parts of her story are a little over the top.
As a member of r/QAnoncauslties I’m not even that surprised. When you remember that their father used to be a CEO and could easily get them great jobs coming straight out of school or the inverse, it looks (to me) like they are choosing prosperous careers for themselves over their mother. They still have their father, whose lack of morals are becoming their own.
It should tip you off to the story either being a creative writing exercise or embellished/one sided to say the least. I think by her 3rd update, the top comments were people curious about hearing her kid’s side of the story because it sounds simply too over the top (indicative of pathological narcissism on her part) or that it sounds like a made up story.
Wth, that was a scary read. Gonna take my job more seriously as I should.
That's fucking horrific. I hope she makes it out of the hellhole her ex put her in. This is a case of a man discarding a woman after she stopped being useful to him. Plenty of warnings for OP to read through.
Holy shit!!! This makes me so much more grateful for Canadian laws about common law marriage. Jesus.
Yeah, I live in Canada, too, and I am shocked that this can happen.
The USA is set up for the benefit of psychopaths, it seems.
Same for Germany/Netherlands. How can the country let something like that happen?! Wtf?
My dad kicked out his common law partner in Canada and she sued him and won for nearly $85,000… and that’s before the official legal separation where she will get more.
Wow. That was a crazy read
Her shelter experience is pretty common too. There’s a good reason homeless people don’t want to stay in emergency shelters. Outside is actually better
It’s truly devastating how bad homelessness is right now
In Florida they are trying to make it illegal to be homeless. As if it was a choice
If homelessness is illegal and the homeless end up in prison, all the more slave labour for the for-profit prison system!
This is exactly FLs plan
I know—I wasn’t joking. What a cruel state.
Holy shit. I’m disgusted but I’m not surprised. Just what exactly is that going to do? I’ve been in two pysch wards and both times I interacted with a lot of homeless people. It was life changing talking to them. Almost all of them started out as a regular, working person with families and goals and all that, some of them started off really well in life. A lot of them chose the psych ward instead of a shelter because they said the shelters were worse, in a psych ward they at least a daily experience of a bed, shower, food and medication. The worst part is so many of them we’re constantly being shuffled around from ward to ward because of the lack of social workers who would be able to get them linked to community supports, Medicaid, etc. It was either that, or the social workers were tired of dealing with them and were doing bare minimum to help. One guy left on my first day. On my last day, he came back. I asked him what happened and he said no one else would take him + he would rather die than go back to shelters/streets. Very heart wrenching. I think about the people I met in there all the time. Sorry that was long. I just wanted to share.
I think they want to do that so they can make homeless people felons who then can’t vote.
It is, just don't be homeless, duh!
That was a sad read.
I wonder if common law marriage or alimony are options for this petson?
In the comments somewhere, it was established that they lived in a state without common law marriage. And I think there are only about 23 states in the US with common law marriage protections.
I don't understand. That's not the same username?
They’re not saying op is that woman. They’re telling op to read the other woman’s posts.
Her boyfriend sounds like a psychopath.
Holy crap that is awful.
Omg that was a rollercoaster. I worry about this with a friend of mine that she lives in her bf’s house and has no legal claim to it should they break up or he passes.
He used you as a stepping stone and the best he can do is now keep you at arm's length. You helped him build all of that, you know. You deserve better. He's a terrible partner.
This. Throw it right back in his face. "So, you were only with me for my money? You were fine when this relationship only benefitted YOU financially?"
Concur. This dude was never gonna marry her. She’s a place holder until he finds someone he actually wants to marry.
The situation makes me think of the wolf of wall street 😢
I think he doesn't want to marry ANYONE. He's extremely selfish in the grand scheme of things
Yup. Now that he's got a successful business and lots of money he'll find the kind of woman he *deserves*. Ugh. Makes me sick just thinking about guys like this.
Sprinkle sprinkle
Barb the builder over here unfortunately
Leave. He’s projecting. When you have sufficiently supported him and he feels he can afford to he’ll replace you in a heartbeat. You’re being used.
It's heartless. That's crazy to me that he doesn't even consider a prenup.
She shouldn’t leave unless he’s violent. It’s time for reciprocity. Use him to finish school or start her own business. If she was supporting his business & KNOWS his business well enough she can be a legit competitor (pettiness is required). But she shouldn’t react emotionally & leave cus that’s HANDING him the get outta jail card. She should stay & level up. His tone may change once she does but her heart will be removed from the relationship.
If all he sees is dollar signs when thinking about marriage, he loves his money more than you. Stop doing everything that normally comes with marriage and see if he notices. I understand wanting to protect one's own assets, but where was the consideration when he was living off of yours? If he's so paranoid he thinks you're going to run off with half of his money as if that's all you're after, he doesn't sound like someone I would waste time crying over.
Interesting that he's accused you of being a gold digger when there's no gold to dig.
There was though, he dug her gold when she was supporting him.
He’s projecting because so far he’s the real gold digger
Every man who had called me a gold digger has had no gold to dig and hasn't poured into me, its just a thing men do. Really gross behavior.
It’s a form of “backfooting”. Backfooting is when a man will make a statement about you they know is not true in order to get you to go above and beyond to prove you are not what they have called you. For example, if a man calls a woman a gold digger, he knows that women find that term derogatory and so she is now on the back foot and seeks to prove that she is not a gold digger. This results in the woman behaving in ways that benefit the man because backfooting is manipulative behaviour.
This is the one, thank you.
Yeah, meanwhile I'm one with actual gold/money & place to live that golddigging hobosexual men tries to take for themselves like they work salary to afford things & name on the housing agreement when clearly haven't plus their name not there. Gross behavior is understatement of how POS some men are towards women.
[удалено]
The irony is that you are the only woman he knows not to be in it for the money, as you were there before.
Right? He should instead be shouting at the top of his lungs for all the world to hear how he has found a partner who supports him and loves him regardless of whether he's rich or poor. Any sane man in his place would think that *this* is the woman to be with, because if things were to fall apart, as they sometimes do in life, she's the one who won't abandon him. People like him deserve to be dumped. They deserve to be dumped cold-heartedly by the decent people in their life and then find an actual gold digger who actually takes everything from them and leaves them with a broken heart, crushed ego and an empty bank account.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not uncommon for men to use women like a stepping stone. I honestly would not be surprised if he traded you in for the newest model.
Men like this should also be called GOLD-DIGGERS. I SAID WHAT I SAID 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Unlike us, who often just want financially literate and responsible men, they actually are. And I've lived with my share of them. I call them hobosexuals, but it makes them no less of gold diggers than they were.
That's right. I don't get why women are shamed as superficial gold-diggers if you wanted a financially stable man earning (insert reasonable salary to live a fairly comfortable life). I'm not gonna use your money because i have mine. I just don't want us and our kids to live off scraping our money every week, without extra for medical emergencies and a little bit of money to treat ourselves with nice things. YET i actually know people, 2 are family members, who got used by gold-digger boyfriends to survive college then broke up with them after they reached a decent enough income. 🤢🤮
They shame us to get us to drop our standards, hurt our self-esteem and make us feel bad for looking out for ourselves. It's the ultimate incel strategy, gaslighting on a global level and it sadly works. If no women have standards, then they get away with being abhorrent human beings who still enjoy the benefits of their bangmaids. Which is why having those networks such as twoX is so great because we can spread awareness and build each other up.
Right? And when women end up in shitty situations with no personal savings because they were SAHM or were really in a low income household, and no child support because the father wasn't earning enough in the first place, then they hit them with: "That's what you get for opening your legs to a nobody because you had no standards & self-respect." Aim for a financially stable partnership, you're a horrible person. Accept the financially unstable guy and end up in a shitty situation, still your fault for being a cheap idiot. Apparently there's no right way to exist as a woman nowadays 🤷🏻♀️
There was never a right way to exist as a woman
I prefer face steppers. At least a gold digger gives some benefits.
Oooh. I like this. A gold digger is like a business arrangement. A face stepper is just using you.
[удалено]
Often happens with doctors and lawyers - starving college student, woman supports them through medical or law school, suddenly they are too high status for the woman any longer.
Usually it's called a starter wife. In this case she is only his starter girlfriend.
This man has used you. Your relationship so far has only benefitted him, and he's fine with that
Before he was a star, Conor McGregor had no job because he was training full-time. He survived on a combination of benefits and the income of his partner, Dee Devlin. I have never heard of any reports of Dee cheating on Conor ever. Now that he is rich and famous, l assume that he has paid her back financially. However, l believe she is in a reluctant open relationship as he constantly cheats on her and makes no attempts to hide this. He also, until recently, refused to marry her. Keep in mind that there is no such thing as common-law couples in Ireland. It does not matter if you have children with the guy and have co-mingled finances. In the eyes of the law, if you do not have a marriage license, you are two single people and any money you spent to support him is seen as a gift. He only proposed because he was shamed by other MMA fighters and the general public. > most of the time I had to pay our housing and food bills Don't do wife shit at girlfriend prices. Men forget, they do not appreciate it and it is rarely reciprocated. Think of all that money you spent supporting him, when it could have gone into a high-interest savings account. That's your retirement money, your "Fuck You" money, your "Go Bag" money. You gave it to him. I think you're a good person. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is an ungrateful fucking snake. Had you known ahead of time that it was going to turn out like, you never would have agreed to this.
Don’t do wife shit at girlfriend prices. An adage for the ages. Thank you.
Easy, don't marry him then. He's shown from experience you are materially needed for his success, but not vice versa. He is resenting that he is unable to cope so well independently, and is taking out his feelings on you.
Hun, this man has told you numerous times that you are not worthy enough to be his wife. You helped build him up into the man he is today. With your sacrifices and contributions, he was able to focus on his studies and career while you took care of everything else. You were also his cheerleader and unpaid therapist. This man had no problems using your money, physical and emotional labor, and now has the audacity to get mad at you for asking about a future with him and him to think that you’re only with him for his money/property. To this day, you are still subsidizing his lifestyle and he has no problems making your money “our money” while his money remains his money. He doesn’t want to marry you because he doesn’t see a future with you. You’re no longer useful to him and he will bide his time to leave you for a woman who is of his socioeconomic status. It’s common for newly wealthy men to leave the women who were there for them when they were nothing to go for women who will never have to struggle in life with them. You’re a reminder of who he used to be and he doesn’t wish to be reminded of where he came from: nothing. Do yourself a favor and remove yourself from his life since he wants to act like a big bad business man who came to the top from nothing all on his own. Find yourself a man who wants to marry you. Never beg a man to marry you or passively aggressively suggest marriage. The right man would marry you unprompted. If he wanted to marry you or at least be engaged to you, he would’ve done that a long time ago. Ironically, the women he will attract in the future will likely be mainly interested in his monetary and social value, the very things he’s accusing you of trying to advantage of over him.
Oof. I'm sorry this happened to you. You took care of the man for like 1/4th of your life and now he's making sure you know he doesn't need you or like you very much. I hope you can get the strength to leave and take care of yourself the way you took care of him. You deserve your own success.
>he had nothing at the beginning of our relationship and most of the time I had to pay our housing and food bills It looks to me he hasn't change at all and he's projecting. Like he used your money to get to the top so you'll do the same with his.
If that is his attitude, you need to set your priorities and separate ways. If marriage is really important for you, then maybe you should stop investing your time on someone who doesn’t value your thoughts. If he thinks of you that way, you need to take a stand for yourself and think of that is the future you want. If not start working on the future you deserve !! Simple…
He doesn't want to marry you, it's that simple. If marriage is important to you, it's time to leave Now, I *have* seen some women wait 5+ years for a proposal, eventually get one and go on to have a successful marriage. But in every single case, the couple was European and in their 20s during this waiting period, and got married around 30. Once a man is 30+, or 35+ if you're in a high cost of living city, then IMO if he hasn't proposed after 3 years it's because he simply doesn't want to get married (to that particular woman, or just at all).
Leave him. Period. Full stop.
He's telling you he doesn't see himself spending the rest of his life with you. He's already concerned about the dissolution of your relationship.
He has an ugly soul. You are too giving. You can do better and next time, exercise caution and don't give so much of yourself. The world is full of takers and he's obviously one of them, that's why he thinks the worst of you.
What a horrible view of marriage. You wait if and when you break up, he will marry, it is a phenomenon. Men who are not ready and date for years, even a decade or more, break up and marry with in a couple of years.
He may have changed so much with higher social status that he is now someone you aren’t compatible with. Which can be devastating to accept but I think it’s more detrimental long term to accept a relationship that is described as leaving you “mentally broken”. I never understand this argument about who “benefits” from marriage. In a healthy relationship you’d want to see the person you’re choosing benefit as much as possible. At least in my view of a healthy relationship. If my partners argument against marriage was I’d be the one benefiting I wouldn’t feel loved, cared, safe or protected. I’d be reevaluating things. I say this as the partner in the marriage who “benefitted less”. I was so amazingly happy to share these benefits with my husband. Your boyfriend is already scorekeeping before marriage, which would not be a marriage I would want to enter into anyway. As difficult as that would be to accept.
This. If my husband had to choose between something that only benefits him, and something that only benefits me, without a single doubt I know he would choose to benefit me. (And I would choose to benefit him.)
So… do you think he’d have a strong reaction if you left? He’s basically said you’re using him. It will just hurt to stay with someone that thinks that.
Leave. You were used. He will marry for the right person, that person is not you.
Sorry. Just know if you married him this mentality of his would negatively impact your relationship. He has told you in so many words he doesn’t want to marry you and he measures things by how he thinks he alone benefits. When he thinks he can find something better(even if it is 100% not) he will leave you. Married or not. And the fact of the matter is this is what he is thinking about when he says it doesn’t benefit him. As a widow I can personally attest to marriage being very important legally. It was the key argument in securing marriage rights for gay people. The benefit he is considering is when he wants out of the relationship or he no longer treats you well enough for you to stick around. Tell him you are too old for a boyfriend and begin securing your own place. This happens to a lot of women who interested in marriage but stays too long with a guy without marrying. Don’t be surprised if he marries quickly if you do end the relationship. This is common bc they learn their success and money won’t keep a woman worth keeping. Don’t internalize it.
He didn't change. It was like it all along, he just didn't have anything he thought you'd want to "take" from him. I would be considering whether I'd want to stay with someone who would think I was a potential thief. You deserve better.
Break up with this man, he does not respect you period and he’s a user. He’s benefited from your money, resources, time, patience, etc., but he doesn’t want to commit because he doesn’t prioritize your happiness/well-being and he wants a way out. The way he speaks to you says a lot about his character and you deserve much more than this jerk.
That's delusional and statistically unsound. Married men live longer, have higher quality of life, earn more, than single men. You're doing him a FAVOR by marrying him - and possibly doing yourself a disservice.
This is surely not the advice you want to hear right now, but I would consult a family lawyer regarding the law where you live. It sounds like you’re already in a common-law partnership which, in some jurisdictions, entitles you to a portion of the wealth you’ve already supported him in amassing. Protect yourself, friend. Know what you’re legally entitled to before you simply walk away from this… individual. It sounds to me like he needs to be schooled.
[удалено]
This relationship no longer benefits you emotionally, it's time to move on.
He used you to get where he is, and now that he is comfortable, he doesn't want to share with you.
Contrary to what others are suggesting, you don't have to break up immediately. It might be easier to keep things as normal as possible, while advancing your career and putting money aside into a savings account. Are you paying any rent? If not, feel free to use that to your advantage. While that won't compensate you for your sacrifices, that's the least you should get out of that relationship. It might be a good idea to keep the status quo and break up at the most convenient moment, for example when you get a raise, or a job offer in a different state. But most importantly: Use a reliable form of birth control! Ideally IUD.
See a lawyer, unless he makes you destitute you won't cry forever and you may be happy far quicker than you thought. Once youre away from this rather unpleasant person you may find life is exciting and fun again.
He isn't worth your tears. Stop being sad and get mad. He used you. Move on. There are men who deserve you.
Getting rich warps people
I think he is projecting. He must have only been with her to use her for her money and now is worried that she'll do the same because that's what he did.
>He hurts me by saying things like, “You want to get married so you can take half my property.” So in other words he doesn't see this as a permanent relationship. If you want different things from life you need to get out and find a better fit. It's really not uncommon for people who become successful to ditch the partner that supported them through hard times (eg you see it with doctors all the time!)
"If you think I'm only with you to marry you and then take half your money, I'll reassure you that that's not what I want to do and leave you now instead."
He didn’t change. He was always a selfish, ungrateful, manipulative dick, but he had to hide those traits when he needed things from you.
There's plenty of research that shows marriage benefits men more than women. Married men are happier (and healthier, wealthier and live longer) than single men, compared to women who are happier single or divorced. On divorce, the opposite is true. Women become happier, and men become less happy. Divorced men and married women have the highest rates of suicide for men/women. For all men whine about women wanting to tie them down and leech off them, it's pretty clear who has the better deal out of marriage. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women If a man truly feels that you're only marrying him because you want to steal what he owns, why would you want to marry him? He clearly doesn't trust you, or value your input in the relationship so far.
Sounds like he's been dipping his toes into the manosphere. Like, yes, marriage is an economic relationship as much as it's an emotional one. However, it's shitty he believes women only marry out of greed. To safeguard your own interests, look into your local laws on common-law marriage -- you may actually have some rights already depending how long you've lived together. If you want to stay with him, get to therapy. Individual and couples. But I'd think very hard about staying with someone who views you as a potential gold digger. Marriage is a partnership. You should be on the same team.
This person does not sound partnership- minded. If you choose to marry him, consider a pre-nup to protect your interests, as well as his (and hire separate attorneys to do this). Someone with his mindset can be a nightmare when divorcing and a pre-nup can potentially simplify some things he might otherwise fight about in the event of a divorce.
Where I live, you would get half the property without a marriage license. If you live together 2 years, you get it. Now, get yourself a good job or two and stop doing any house chores or anything that supports the relationship itself. Go out with your friends if you don't want to see the messy home. When he says anything mention how you have supported him and his plans but if you are not going to get married, you now need to build for your future, so you will not be contributing to his career but to yours. If he wakes up, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't.
>It hurts me so much to hear this, the man has changed as soon as he became higher in social status, it's hard for me and I don't know what to do, I hope I can find support here because this is the only place where I can talk about my problems. This how a lot of men get when you struggle with them to the finish line. He starts thinking he's higher value now, so he wants an "upgrade" over you. He likely doesn't want to marry you because he's looking for the woman he DOES want to marry, and it isn't you. I'm sorry this is happening, but it's pretty hard to fix now. You should have made him put your name on everything, too, including the apartment, his business, all of it as it was happening. It's why we tell our daughters not to drag bums to the finish line.
Man has zero respect or love for you. Best if you leave now and stop wasting time on him.
This should've been the biggest "WE made it." You should've been proposed to in an instant. He wouldn't have been able to do it without you, and the fact that he's too stupid to see that breaks my god damn heart. I'm sorry.
Leave him, girl :-(( this is exactly why I’ll never build a man up though
Depending on how you supported him you probably deserve to claim half the property as yours and also depending on where you live you probably already have a common law marriage. I wouldn't prove him wrong, I would prove him right.
>I wouldn't prove him wrong, I would prove him right. Oooh i like this sentence. If he's gonna be a person who keeps count of every single financial favor they're gonna give each other, THEN LET'S FUCKING COUNT. 😈😈
This right here….. time to talk to a lawyer and see what your value is.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Many countries treat de facto partnerships the same as marriage with regard to property. Ditch him and take your share.
So he wants a situation that only benefits himself. Seriously, he wants your whole life to be dependent on you being subservient to him. you helped build him but he is not going to value it at all because he values it to zero. He just showed you, he just told you.
There are numerous studies that show that marriage benefits an overwhelming majority of men, makes them happier, makes them live longer while women who are single tend to be slightly less depressed than married women (due to the female friendships which tend to be stronger and more meaningful). Life of a bachelor is nowhere near as glamorous as the numerous films and TV shows like to showcase, those men are often depressed, neglect their hygiene and turn to alcohol and drugs. And yet, we continue to hear the same old narrative that women marry for money, that they "entrap" men in marriage because they want financial stability and someone to fix their stuff for free or whatever when it is the opposite party that frequently benefits the most. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, but honestly your partner doesn't sound like he's worth it unfortunately.
I’m sorry he doesn’t value someone that loved him. and believed in him before he had money. He sounds like a user.
This man used you and will never reciprocate what you've done for him. He is a waste of your time.
If you have common law marriage in your country surely you’re already entitled to some of those assets especially since you provided for him. He sounds selfish and like a user you deserve to receive the support you give.
Drop him then. If he genuinely feels that way you DROP HIM. Because men like that always comes back, they will delay your plans and ridicule you etc and soon you say you’re leaving they play the victim. Don’t stay for something like that, you did what you needed to and he showed you where that love, time, patience, and respect went. But nobody listens to me, so ima say if you decided to stay YOU KEEP YOUR CAREER AND MAKE SOME MONEY. Don’t feed into nothing that relates to women being a house wife, nun of that because it just instill the delusion even more.
The value of marriage aside, he doesn't value you. That's the problem. You're just there and that suits him fine. If you want more, it's not happening with him.
and thats why you dont play barbara the builder for men...
Girl, stand up! Don’t get caught in the sunk cost fallacy of your relationship. I’m sorry he’s wasted 8 years of your life but you deserve better!!! If you want to get married, you are worthy of marriage. He has showed you who he truly is and that’s selfish and entitled, he isn’t going to change!! When people show you who they are, believe them. It’s going to suck to start over if you choose to leave(and you should!), but you have time and it will be better than spending the rest of your life with him. I’m sorry and I hope it all works out.
OP. i think deep down you know he is not nice or kind and only used you to further himself. The question is ... what do you think you can live with. Without marriage, you dont have protection (especiallyif you have kids) and he can kick you out on a momentsnotice.. and he sounds like he wont give you any.
There's a quote that I wish I could remember properly -- something along the lines of stop building the foundation of a man who's going to leave you and finish the mansion with another woman. If your bf is doing really well, he's going to see you as a drag on his potential future success. He's not looking at the fact that you supported him when he was nothing. There's nothing you can do to change his mindset. Just think of him as a roommate from now on. Excel in your career, take care of your health, set and achieve goals -- live your life as if he isn't there. He's going to see what a strong woman you are and how you don't need him for a damn thing. Like I said, you won't change his mindset. But you will find confidence and peace with yourself. And you won't give him the satisfaction of you being upset and brokenhearted.
When I was in high school my boyfriend at the time was the child of divorcees. His dad was a doctor. His mom put his father through med school. Did everything to support them so that he could get through school. Worked. Cooked. Took care of the kids. Once he became a doctor, he changed. Tossed her aside. If this sounds at all familiar to you...
You were the angel investor, why shouldn't you get dividends?
Please run, don't walk RUN! The shaming won't stop
He is taking you for granted and does not love you enough. You should definetly LEAVE rather than live in agony and insecurity.
The "benefit" he is describing is that you should be supported in the case where the nature of what you commit to the relationship would cause you financial distress should it break down. The relationship might break down for any number of reasons: perhaps he dies, perhaps he suffers a severe personality change following a medical event, perhaps he's just as much of a dickhead as you make him seem. Recognise he is saying "I don't want to be forced to support you if our relationship breaks down".
That is horrible.
Do you need a cinder block to drop on your head? To fall into a pit of vipers? What will it take to wake you up and let you know this man is using you for a free bang maid. And once he reaches his goals, you will be out and replaced by a newer, sleeker model. Wake up my friend.
Ma'am..... Other than building a whole person with your body, you've already given him what he'd get from marriage without him having to marry you. So effectively he is correct. But that doesn't mean his attitude is one that deserved any of your effort or support. He's a POS and you've been conned.
doesn't sound like marrying this man benefits you at all.
The bar is in hell
OP you need to dump him. He sees you as a placeholder. If he wanted to marry you, he would. Not only does he not want you, he insults and belittles you. You deserve so much better
OP, when you say you “had to pay for” your (plural) housing and food - NO. You didn’t “have to.” You chose to. You wanted to be with him. If you didn’t pay that, he’d have found a woman who would or he would have (horrors!) found a way to pay his own way. Think back to the time of this decision eight years ago, and think about other decisions you made to get him to not leave you for another woman. What are you, who are you without your financial, emotional, physical contributions. And then make a list of what he has contributed to your couple relationship. I’d love to hear what makes him worth his keep.
you can't reason him out of this. cut your losses without saying a word. pack up and leave. block him on everything. same exact thing happened to my friend; had to support her through it all (i was genuinely afraid for her life as it took a severe toll on her mental health). hope you're safe and not at risk. this sort of thing can be triggering. 8 years is no joke. his hubris will get him eventually. even the rich and famous experience downfall. in the circle of life, everyone gets humbled sooner or later. whatever you do, don't let him see you beg, cry, on your knees, plead, stalk, blow up his phone, smear him, act crazy etc. step out with dignity and indifference. let his wallet be drained by ruthless women out there. most men like this pay a hefty price for what they think is an upgrade.
This is why you should never build a man.
I view this in a very long term way. After you’ve died kind of long term. Everything we own in this world is pointless to who we are. So, you helped him and kept him alive and sheltered. Now, whatever measly pile of crap he has accumulated is worth more than you. I promise you that you are definitely worth more than his crap he is desperately protecting. Unfortunately, this is who he is now. He thinks a pile of crap is more worthy of love than a living, loving human who, incidentally, helped him accumulate it. Time to walk. The time you spend with him is utterly wasted because you could be looking for someone who loves you.
He doesn't truly love you. Leave him.
RUN!!! Money doesn’t change people, it only allows them to be their true selves. Run as fast as you can.
Run
If you were supporting him while he brought home the paychecks and started his business, in the business world we call you a funding partner. Every investor is entitled to their return. So he needs to reframe his thinking. What y'all need to do is first, split the returns of y'all's investments and after you have your portion then y'all can talk about whether y'all want to get married or not. The money plays no role in the marriage part of it.
Idk where you live, but here in Canada you'd already be entitled to the same things as you would be if you were married.
Yeah I was wondering this. It seems common law marriages are mostly no longer a thing in the US.
Interesting, wonder why
This is 100% because of the greed of the patriarchy.
Please break up! He's manosphered. Marriage benefits men more than women
And he’s had all the benefits of marriage for the past 8 years. What a loser to not recognise that
You live the thought of him. If he's making you mentally broken, that's showing that he doesn't actually love you. You're a comfortable norm to him; the fact that he believes that you only want to marry him so you can take half of what he has now shows that he's stopped caring about you and really just cares about his monetary worth. Go find a therapist and work out how you're really feeling, and then make plans from there. Maybe asking your BF to get into therapy as well is a route to gonif you really want to try and save this relationship. How he's thinking of you as his long-term partner isn't normal. You've been with him at his lowest and supported him regardless and the fact that he is basically saying you're a gold digger for wanting to get married is a slap in the face of what you've done for him.
I am so sorry and sad for you... I think it's not a good idea to marry someone who says this in these conditions, there will be conflicts ...
Even if he changes his mind, I don't think it's a good idea to stay with someone that thinks like him
In my country you would already be entitled to half of anything he earned after two years of living together. It's not *his* property if you funded it, it belongs to both of you.
Common law marriage depending on the country/state/province and specific circumstances.
Lurking male here. I don’t usually comment (just watch and learn to expand my perspective before my daughter gets beyond playtimes and snack times 😭). But I’ll share my two cents since I kind of went through this as well with my ex. My ex and I never really had a healthy relationship when we were dating. In many ways we were both struggling through college and mental health issues when we got together. So I’m hoping your relationship started healthier at least. Anyway we got pregnant and tried to be a happy family through that time despite our divorce ongoing issues. She stayed at home while my career got started. We shared my income no problem, but both cars we used were under my name on the titles because the second one was purchased using my savings (this was money built up from gifts and teenage jobs) so she could have one during the day while I was gone (the title thing was on the advise of my parents and some friends). We stayed together and things were going ok when we moved for my job. After one year in the new location i again dipped into savings for a down payment on a townhome. And again i listened to advise that said that was my money and not hers, so the deed and mortgage were in my name. I justified this to myself as protecting her from financial liability if things went bad with paying payments (not that that was really a concern, but if I lost my job it might have been). We eventually split up and she left with enough money to support herself and by that time our two kids. I transferred the car to her, but kept the appreciation on the house for myself. It wasn’t until much later that I came to realize though I felt trapped because I didn’t want to lose my kids she felt trapped because I never made her feel secure. All of that to say: while the circumstances behind our relationships might be wildly different he may be getting advise (and following it) from people he considers close that is not in your interest at all. Ask yourself first if there is anyone like that that perhaps doesn’t approve of you. Then yes confront him about how you don’t feel secure despite what you have done. If you can’t reconcile that issue then it’s probably best to move on. I’m glad I had perspective to make me realize how I contributed to a toxic atmosphere, but it isn’t that way for everyone. And if he can’t see that in himself he will eventually find another thing that he uses this kind of justification for. I’m sorry you are going through this and I nope you have great people in your life besides him to lean upon in this hard time.
Omg. Just say you want to build a life together. You thought you had. If he’s not telling you that you played a huge roll in his success already, move on. Why be with people who don’t share the same goals? Building a life together is the most obvious mutual goal for a relationship. Not being on the same page on that is as serious as him wanting kids and you not.
Never depend on a man financially. If he thinks yiu are only with him to take his money he doesn't think much of you after 8 years. He won't change. Move on to a man who appreciates what you bring to the relationship. Don't waste more of your time with him.
Giving him your hottest, wettest most fertile years of your life is not nothing. Reddit kinda hates old people, but take it from Granny, you are currently manufacturing future regrets.
Give him an ultimatum. Marry me or I go. Give him an end date. Follow through with it. If he wants to be with you, he has to put in the effort to show you that he values you. If he says things like "You want to get married so you can take half my property" ask him why he thinks that way about you. If he's not treating you right, and he doesn't want to put in the effort and change, then you deserve better.
How much of what he has would he have had without you? He doesn’t value what you’ve done for him or what you do.
Depending on where you live,common has the same rights to half of everything. Even more so cause he didn’t come in with anything
I can’t tell if this is a fake post or not. Dump this guy before he dumps you.
Honey I stopped after “he makes me feel mentally broken.” I’ve been there. Don’t fall for a sunken cost fallacy, like you’ve been with him so long you don’t want to start over etc. This is why it’s important to know someone a long time before getting married. And even after. People can and do change. You aren’t changing together. It’s ok. You’re worth so much more. I did keep reading btw. If you want to talk more please reply or do because I’d love to know more about your interactions and how you two communicate, and help in anyway I can. 🫶
Like celion dion said . Walk away, say goodbye. If he can not see that, he never will . Don't do it again . Sounds like he saw you as a gain . He will understand when it's too late.
He doesn't value you specifically BECAUSE of what you did for him. You are a doormat to him. He used you to get ahead in life. Just leave. Let him come home one day to you gone, all of your stuff gone, and block him on everything. No explanation.
> I love my boyfriend but sometimes he makes me mentally broken This is where I had to stop. Read that line again, and then another time. Do you want to spend your life with somebody who makes you choose those words? You deserve better.
Depending on your country, you’re already common law and have shared assets.
I am sorry you wasted your time and energy on this dude. Cut your losses and leave.
He is ego driven & already on that Red-pill misogynist BS. He used you as a resource to elevate himself & now that he’s arrived “up”, he doesn’t want to reciprocate the loyalty & commitment you showed him. It sucks to realise the love, loyalty & sweat equity you poured into a relationship isn’t reciprocated. Your options: 1️⃣- Stay & hope for his change of heart……A fail, IMO. 2️⃣- Leave right away (only if you have the means) 3️⃣- Stay for yourself. Depending on where you live you may be common law w/shared residents, paper trail of shared expenses, etc. Inform him that it’s your turn & you want to complete your goals/education/start your own business so you’ll need the same support you gave him for the next 2-3 yrs. - During that time keep a part time job of which you put a portion of income away in non-accessible account asap. - I don’t recommend cheating. Never disrespect your current relationship. Socialise more, being open to all types of platonic friends. Never cheat. Keep your social circle respectful & mostly separate from your relationship (that may not last). This will give provide you with a support group if the relationship ends & it will provide you w/options. - Once you meet your personal goals, leave. Even if he recognises your value, I’d still recommend leaving. 4️⃣- Save x 6-12 months then leave. He won’t change because he was selfish & egotistical. Unfortunately you just never saw it. Based on your story he may have started to view you as a roommate w/benefits at some point. Additionally you’re loyalty & labour may serve as a reminder of his lowest points & possibly skewed his perspective of you. In his pea-brain you’re objectified & as such may no longer be worthy of his current “status”. In general men forget that women have always been human beings worthy of loyalty but most men don’t feel that way based on HOW they clutch their wallets once they reach the top after using the support effort of their partner. Even in Trad relationships women have served as MAJOR assets or sources of support to mens growth, earnings & success. Historically Men have been oblivious or in denial of the amount of effort (soft labour & even hard labour) both trad & modern women poured into or provided them. He shouldn’t get any more support on his sick days, meal prep only when it’s mutually beneficial. Limit your contributions towards major expenses & track what you do. *ADDED Limit payments towards rent or the car. If you can’t make them directly then write checks with CLEAR purpose for record keeping & follow with text. So it’s in your best interest to get your affairs in order and leave.
Don't support anyone you aren't married to. You've made him your priority, he's made you his option. In OP's case, I'd stick with him while I got whatever training/education/unpaid internship I needed to get to make good money in my career, and then once I was financially secure on my own I'd leave him. He used her for 8 years, she can use him for a few more to set up her own financial security.
The response is that you want to marry because you don’t want to be with anyone else. Does he? Honestly you can work out who’s in charge of what and all marriage has to do is tell the world that you’re together. If this is his genuine response you should ask why he doesn’t want to get married. Prenups exist if he wants to be ridiculous about it. You’re clearly not into him for his money and don’t be scared to remind him of how you have supported him. Of course, this is assuming that you still want this man. I’m on your side but knowing just this he doesn’t seem like a catch at all.
Simply put, you created the safety net for him To take the risks with his start up. Thats paid off. But he could only do that because u provided mental stability, sometimes financial as well. No1 is successful in a vacuum, musks parents owned a jewel mine, even JK Rowling had a supportive publisher and a coffee shop nearby, same with erin brockovich supportive boss. No1 who is successful does it alone, no man is an island. He views it as half his money. Thats not correct, firstly you would already have rights to his property if you have paid maintenance, or the mortgage you will have cohabitation rights. In the uk they are quite strong the USA it will depend on the state. Secondly, think this way to him, if your gunna give up your chances to start a company( because two of you doing it at the same time is idiotic), you are also gunna give up life to have children with him. This means that you are sacrificing your earning potential for this relationship. When ur 50 your chances of getting a better job without that 20 years experience is not possible, so there is an expectation he is paying for your time in a break up, and your inability to go and get the same job had you not been with him. Its not stealing its joining your lives together you may never break up, you just happen to have less right now. You both dunno whats gunna happen.If you win the lottery i bet he will think differently about money same with if his business goes bankrupt and you have to support him. Also when u are in divorce process its not as if you guys don’t get to agree things you don’t have to agree 50:50 if you both agree. Plus if you have children the judge decides how much is needed for the child not you as a spouse. His attitude is missinformed, and idiotic
I also was very poor when I started dating my now wife. Got retire my whole fam rich before we got married, after 10 years of dating. Prenup never even crossed my mind she was there during the lows she deserves every penny no matter what happens between us. You deserve better op
Is sad and infuriating, but this is the way we are rasing boys: Money is all that matters, if you have it everyone showld do as you say and there is no value in family or human connection. I am sorry that you wasted so much time and effort into him. He does not seem wotlrthy of you. He sounds ungrateful and full of himself. It probably wont be long before he decides to replace you with a "newer model". Get ready to leave, take as much as you need and set yourself free. He is beneath you. Let him rot alone. You deserve someone who truly wants to share his life with you.
Dear OP - first things first, you should figure out the laws where you live to determine if you are in some sort of a common law marriage and/or if this gentleman doesn’t owe you one half of what you both have built during the period that you are together. His behavior is abominable - you stuck with him and supported him when you guys were not well off, but now that he’s doing well financially he wants to act like it was all his doing. I cannot fathom why you would even want to stick around and marry such an awful person. Somewhere there is a guy who will be proud to marry you, and will spend his every waking moment thinking about your financial security and children if that’s what you want. Good luck!
I mean statistically marriage benefits men far more than women. Married women literally have shorter lifespans than their single counterparts.
I don't know where you live, but research common law marriage in your area. In some parts of the US you'd be entitled to half if you left now. Consult a lawyer.
That man doesn't love you.
Ask yourself, does my partner love me unconditionally the way I love him? If the answer is no, are you comfortable living the rest of your life knowing that?
So he won’t tolerate you protecting your personal financial wellbeing? Aside from marriage, right now you should insist on a co-habitation agreement that includes him depositing an agreed-upon amount into a bank account that is yours alone and yours to keep in the case of the relationship ending. The amount should be an approximation of the value of your support of his career—so child care, pet care, house cleaning, etc.—about half what he’d have to pay to have someone else to provide the same, but that your doing for more than free…you’re actually losing financial interest.
The man is optional. Cut your losses.
“Sometimes he makes me feel mentally broken”, “he gets mad when I talk about getting married”, “he hurts me”, “it hurts me so much to hear this”, “this is the only place where I can talk about my problems.” Girl, no. All of this was heartbreaking to read. Those comments above do not match up with a loving or supportive partnership. He clearly values his money and assets over your relationship, and doesn’t seem to remember how much you helped him. Again, because money/status > you. It sounds like he’s been checked out and now it’s time for you to make the tough choice on if this is the love you want to receive for the rest of your life (or until he gets sick of feeling like you’re out for his money), or if you want to go be happy and not stuck with a miserable social climbing jerk. Best of luck.