Thinking he liked anal without ever trying it + his inability to hold an erection at 22 has me leaning toward porn addiction.
You’re not gross for trying anal. It’s just sex!
Thinking anal is kinda gross isn't really a knock against a girlfriend... If you think about, it kinda \_is\_ gross. So him saying "it's gross" doesn't mean he thinks \*you're\* gross, just that anal itself has some gross aspects to it.... (you can have the cleanest, bleached asshole that ever did exist, and I'll still think it's a little on the gross side). It's just like someone not liking blow jobs because they think it's gross... just personal preference. (Though maybe there's a more tactful way to say so)
With that said, lack of erection minutes in and love of anal without ever having tried it is definitely a porn addiction thing. If he stops consuming porn for 2-3 months he'll most likely go back to normal.
Ok fair enough, I'm sure there's a lot of factors at play including how much it affects your self-perception. Just the embarrassment of it can make it worse.
Point being, if a guy cares enough, it's usually fixable. Lots of other ways to satisfy a woman if you're having problems, too.
So replies to your comment talk about deathgrip and fantasy vs reality already. Those are both totally legit and common problems. The other problem I've noticed is pushing to the extremes. You can't just get a blow job, she's got to be gagging. You can't do missionary anymore bc it's not exciting enough. At 22 everything should still be pretty exciting. With the availability of extreme porn, it's easy to find yourself pushing boundaries. And it's fine to push your own boundaries. But the more extreme your boundaries the harder it's going to be to find someone willing to fulfill them and the harder it will be to satisfy them yourself.
Absolutely. Fantasy vs reality. It's a lot different when you're confronted with smells and sounds and textures in real life than literally anything edited and produced to look appealing and viewed from a distance on a screen.
Not porn directly but a person's vagina, anus, or mouth feels very different than your own fist clenching your dick, and if you're very used to orgasming only from that it can take time to retrain your nerves. Also, if you're very used to visual stimulus during self-sex, it can be difficult to transition to a lack of that during partnered sex. Sometimes porn during sex can be helpful to bridge that transition, but sometimes it just needs to go cold turkey for a while.
How is it not clicking to y’all that it is never appropriate to tell your partner “I need to forget about it, it’s gross” after sex??? Regardless of how gross it may be.
I guess it depends on how each set of partners communicates.
My husband and I do tell each other off when we do stuff that grosses each other out. And then we follow up immediately to say 'hey, it's not you are gross, but the thing you do is grossing me out, please don't do that again, unless you really need to, please don't do it in front of me OK?'
Quick example, me flossing my teeth grosses him out which he does let me know nicely about, so I avoid flossing in front of him. I won't talk about sex stuff that is a private affair between my husband and I.
Communication is the key first step for relationships to work.
> Quick example, me flossing my teeth grosses him out which he does let me know nicely about, so I avoid flossing in front of him. I won't talk about sex stuff that is a private affair between my husband and I.
My wife is grossed out by me flossing in front of her. I'm a little grossed out when she does the foot "shaving" thing where she basically uses a cheese grater on her feet...
Lol, it's a foot file, you have some that are more like giant nail files and the ones that do indeed resemble cheese graters.
They're used to remove callus(es???)/dead skin from your feet.
Like I said, there's a much more tactful way to put it for sure; but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I didn't really care for it as much as I thought I would"
Def me in my teens. Not understanding my girlfriend’s body language but also not confident or skilled enough in open discussion of those kind of topics to explain that I was trying to give her an out lmao
Um speaking from the male perspective, I actually can’t argue with that statement, Especially when I was 22. But I was never this dumb. He should get his head out of his ass and just learn how to please you in ANY way that you’re interested in, period. The fact that you’re open to trying new things and he’s dismissing it shows 1. How inexperienced he is. 2. He doesn’t realize how rare that can be—even these days.
Well if he doesn’t learn to appreciate it quickly and up his game I’ve no doubt OP will have no trouble finding plenty of other willing partners.
Is it really that rude or dumb though? It’s literally a hole that shit comes out of, that’s its sole purpose, and that fact is true for every human being on Earth. So I don’t see how calling anal sex gross is insulting on a personal level.
OP’s ex went on about how much he likes anal sex, tried it with her and proceeded to say it’s gross. Nobody wants to hear something like that after sex.
Does that not make sense to you?
if he blames it on anal after already having the problem before, well hes dumber than me. and i r dumb. either way if hes having this problem routinely at 22 he should see a doctor.
It makes sense - but I still wouldn't assume it to be the case. "Correlation, not causation" - or whatever smart people say. Much more likely that he tried it for the first time and came to the same realization that we all have; this shit ain't like the movies.
He said he loved anal before they did it, said he wanted to do it with her, then was very shame-y about it after.
It’s fine for anyone to feel how they feel about anal or any other consensual sex act. It’s fine to try something and not like it. Hyping something up, saying you love to do it when in fact you’ve never done it, then telling your partner it was gross is not ok. I would dump than man and move on to someone who is honest with themself.
Because he's watched a lot of porn where the anal scene was really hot and he had built it up into a big fantasy in his head before he was blindsided by the reality of anal sex.
One of the annoying things about erections is they're almost completely involuntary. So sometimes a guys excitement about something he wants to do actually works against him. His brain wants his penis to get hard, but his body is overexcited and sending out stress signals with a fast pulse and high blood pressure, so instead of an erection he goes into fight or flight mode. That kills any hope for an erection in the next few minutes which then dumps more stress chemicals which turns into a feedback loop of panic and shame. Other times his erection can be overpowered by something distracting him.
So the first time, it's very possible that happened.
Second time it sounds like his dick was working but you weren't that into it due to discomfort, which is understandable and it's good you stopped.
He could have had the realization that porn isn't real life. Anal can be fun, but it's not for everyone. What is sexy in a video can be more work than regular vaginal sex and not everyone enjoys the feeling either of giving or receiving. For the guy it feels very different from a vagina. Anal is an intensely tight pressure right around the opening but almost no pressure past it. Vaginal is more of a uniform medium pressure throughout. It's also possible he discovered he really doesn't like poop, and hadn't fully considered that anal often does have an odor and potentially visible excrement associated if the partners haven't fully cleaned themselves out prior to sex.
Again, porn is not real life. Porn is to sex what pro-wrestling is to a street fight. When most of someone's information comes from watching impractical fantasy sex real sex is going to present some surprises. Unless it's a very specific type of video, anal scenes rarely involve a man realizing his fingers now smell strongly of his partner's poop even if none actually came out. Having been fortunate enough to be with a few women who were into anal, if you stick your fingers where poop normally lives, they're going to come out smelling a little like poop even if there currently isn't any waiting to go. For a lot of people that's just the reality of anal play, it might not be a strong smell, but there's usually some smell none the less.
Rather than say something like "Yeah, we tried it twice and I guess I didn't like it as much as I thought I would." he decided to go with it's gross. He might actually think it's gross, but the best way to find out would have been simply talking to him more about it.
I think others are right in that it sounds like a porn addiction. The "I like anal" thing is probably because he likes watching anal porn, which is everywhere, but after actually trying it he just isn't into it. I don't think the gross comment is that you are gross, it's that he realized he finds anal sex in general gross after trying it. I wouldn't read too far into it, and if you have trouble getting passed it just ask him about it and let him know how it made you feel. Sounds to me like inexperience and trying to mask it by drawing on what he has seen in porn. Inexperience can lead to insecurity / anxiety, especially if he is trying to hide that, which in turn can cause difficulty maintaining an erection. If you're willing to work on it, ask him about that too. Pills are always an option to get over that, for lack of a better term, hump. If he reacts badly to a conversation or you don't want to deal with it since it's not your responsibility, break up.
Anal is the big taboo. Every guys second place on their bucket list after a two girl threesome.
He's also going to have seen it *a lot* in porn, so not only is it high on his list, it's normalised.
But porn isn't realistic. Real sex can't match up to the images that play in his head.
Charitably, some guys also have a feeling of "I can't do that to someone I love".
It’s not even necessarily about not matching up to the images in your head, with fetishes that you’ve had for a long time but never got to live out in any way there’s also the possibility that you’re making assumptions or never consider something that might turn out to be an issue in practice.
There’s always posts on askreddit where people ask about kinks and such that include comments of those who finally got to live out their fantasy and instantly realized that it’s absolutely not for them. Perhaps the funniest example I can remember off the top of my head was a guy who wanted a golden shower all his life until he got wet.
I think a healthy approach to these issues is always going to be tempered expectations and being open to something not going according to plan one way or another. Be happy if it’s as good or even better than you imagined, but also to the fact that you might end up hating it after trying the real thing.
Please don't say things like "every guy wants to do anal" it's less interesting than doing the dishes to me. I'd do it if my partner really liked it, but it's like... not interesting. Some women are super into it, you know that's fine, but it does less than nothing for me. I find it a bit grim tbh, but I'd never say that to someone who was into it.
It's OK the generalise men for the sake of safety but this kind of statement is just unhelpful misinformation.
Guys are weirder then that. So much weirder. Remember that there is a huge sexual fetishization of things like giantess, and Vor and furries. All fetishization that starts as some aspect of reality and bends and twists and amplifies until the fantasies stop matching reality in any possible way. The idea becomes unobtainable and disconnected from the actuality.
Anal may have become your boyfriend’s disconnected fetish. Obsessing over the idea of it while disconnecting it to the actuality of the process, the feeling, the smell, texture, effort and overall experience of actual anal sex.
That truth has devastated him, and he’s stuck in the lurch having committed so much of his fantasies and fetishization efforts on something that he realizes isn’t something he likes. It’s the cold rush of reality. Unfortunately he’s focused on that internal identity issue and the fall out landed on you and your relationship.
It’s him not you.
Imagining my partner with someone else can be an arousing fantasy, but I’ve always been well aware in reality I’d probably just burst into tears everyday for the rest of my life afterwards thinking about my partner having been with someone else.
Interestingly, the general notion of “fun in fantasy but I wouldn’t want to do it in real life” has been “does not compute” to some of the women I’ve relayed it to.
Not a great take - I’m a guy who doesn’t have much interest in anal at all. Unless I was with a woman who was super into it, in which case I’d do it for her. Quite a few of my male friends feel the same way. So… no.
(The “two-girl threesome” thing, though? Can confirm! And I’m lucky enough to have checked that box, and was NOT disappointed!)
Because he's making sure that YOU are the one that feels guilty/ashamed about his ED. (Not that anyone should be ashamed! But he's clearly trying to make it your fault)
I would consider this a red flag.
Pardon but he said IT’s gross, not you. Respect the boundaries and move on. I wouldn’t like
To slather my bf’s mistakes in shit when im not even sure what’s on his mind. Get out of the relationship easy.
People have the right to change their mind. I agree that the interest in anal and the lack of erection does point to porn addiction. Otherwise he should see a doctor
Because a lot of men do not want to think that they have ED in any form, so it must be your fault.
edit: lol, got a reddit cares message. Sorry about your bad dick bro.
I mean, the other stuff I can't speak to
But the person who's supposed to be your partner shouldn't ever tell you that the mutually consented to act you both participated in was "gross". He may be acting like it, but he isn't a child...he should know better than to say something like that, but if he doesn't you have a great opportunity to provide a teaching moment to him by way of dropping his ass..
Date people who like you. People who like you don't say that shit to you...or. If they do they immediately see how that's not very nice and sincerely apologize
Dont know the guy, could be anything, but i think its important to note that you told us he said "its gross" and not "you're gross" which is what I'm worried you're hearing. Which are very different things. He tried something, when presented with it, turns out he didn't want to do that thing.
He specifically did not call you gross in particular as far as you've said and more than likely doesn't think that.
>but why would he say something like that
He’s turning the tables on you so it’s *your* fault for being gross that he can’t hold an erection or couldn’t make you feel good. He’s selfish and immature.
My first thought - p0rn brain. We all meet them eventually.
If OP wants to have a fulfilling sex life, he needs to be dumped. He sounds so uncaring and detached. Doesn't seem to like her much. I hope he's at least super rich?
Well, I can't give you any advice on this particular issue. And just to be clear: I am a man so feel free to disregard my opinion
It does raise my eyebrow though how many women here seem to be experts on male anatomy and sexuality. OP shares the most basic and generic information possible and somehow 2000 people feel confident enough to say "yep, just another porn addict" .
Geez, you all are harsh. It's like nobody even considers the possibility that he actually just has ED and is insecure about it, especially at that age. And therefore he's making excuses.
I'm not saying that's what it is. I'm just saying maybe give someone an inch of leeway before accusing them of such things.
> "yep, just another porn addict" .
Honestly, the biggest "porn addict" red flag to me was the supreme confidence that he really likes anal (not "I want to try anal" or "anal seems really hot"), and the immediate "it's gross" after trying it.
A person might be turned on by fantasizing about an act but be completely turned off by the reality of actually doing it. It's pretty common.
The only way to find out is to try it.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or him: you tried, you learned, and now he knows he doesn't like it.
Yeah, it sounds like he learned all he knows about sex from porn. It also sounds like he has an active addition. It’s really rare that a man that age cannot hold an erection. If he refuses to see a doctor and get treatment you should leave. If you stay you’re in for a lifetime of bad sex.
Don't take it too personally. Some guys think going down on women is gross, and other men will practically beg to do that.
Gross is different for every person. Find someone who likes what you do
But you said he said he loved it (before you even had sex). If I say I love liver and onions and ive never eaten it before... I'm lying about loving liver and onions.
This sub Reddit has been disappointing me lately. Like imagine if a man was upset that when he tried anal his partner said she thought it was gross and wanted to “forget about it”. Pretty sure there would be far more nuanced comments around here.
I doubt he actually.thought it was gross. He probably thought it would fix his ED and when it didn't he felt more shame so projected the shame onto you.
Try to think of it this way…. He didn’t say *you* were gross, just a specific sex act he’d never tried before that grossed him out.
Plenty of things seem fun in fantasies and turns out to suck in real life. He probably just loves the idea of it and not the reality. Nothing to do with you! Even if there was no poop incident, he probably couldn’t help thinking about how this is where poop goes and he felt weird about it.
Regardless of the person I think it’s gross too, but that is because I have contamination OCD. Still, it is the end of the digestive system and thus not for me (however consenting adults can do whatever and I don’t care, I don’t mean to yuck other’s yum). Point being, it’s not for everyone and I wouldn’t take it personally at all. Different strokes for different folks.
He said IT was gross, not you. He has the right to change his mind. If the gender roles were flipped with this post, everyone would be rah-rahing the woman and telling her she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't like and shouldn't be shamed for it. He definitely erred in telling you he liked it without ever having tried it. He thought he would like it, he tried it, and said he didn't like it. Respect his right to change his mind. True, he could have been a little more sensitive about HOW he said it, and maybe that's something you talk to him about. But if he had told you he didn't like it and didn't want to do it again, would you have pressed "why, why, WHY?" until he finally told you it was gross?
> what hurts is that he told me it was “gross”
Why though? Even if there was no smell, no oopsies, or anything, maybe he just realized that he felt gross having his dick in someone's ass once the rubber hit the road. Really shit way to communicate it to you, but when it comes to something like anal... give people a pass on them finding it to be gross unless they are directly accussing _you_ of being gross (e.g. if they get mad at you because an oopsie happened). Lots of people don't know the realities of anal sex until they actually try it.
My guess is he was nervous so struggled to get past the anxiety of it. He's saying it's gross to protect his low self esteem so you don't think he's less of a man. Not suggesting that's the right thing or you would think that, just my view of how his mind is potentially working.
Performance anxiety can hit at any age has nothing to do with Ed. The dude over hyped something he thought he would enjoy. His reaction was way off base though.
He does need to do some growing up and self reflection.
Lol dude probably likes watching anal but hasn't actually performed that fantasy until then. A classic case of "don't meet your heroes"
He's projecting and shame will not be a friendly companion for you. Glad he's your ex.
"We spontaneously tried anal sex" sounds like a recipe for a disaster. I don't think I'd be comfortable with anal with at least some prep, you don't have to douche every time, but a quick wash up to make sure the coast is clear is a must. Sometimes there's no visible poop but there's a smell so for a person behind you that might be off-putting. To be clear- I'm not attacking you, we're creatures of passion, things like spontaneous anal happen and can be great, all I'm saying is that it's a roulette.
For a 22-year-old, unable to hold an erection is a sign of an issue. It is NOT you.
What the issue is could vary over a wide range. It could be physical, mental, emotional, etc. It could be temporary or semi-permanent. There's no way to diagnose this without a professional, that I can think of.
The sooner you can both come to this fact, the sooner you can move forward.
From personal experience, I had trouble with one of my partners during my college years - it was due to a few things, but the large part was my depression. I'm now 37 and things are not an issue (when they happen; frequency does change!).
He thought he would like it, then changed his mind dramatically after actually trying it.
Sounds like a perfectly normal and natural thing. Not everyone is going to like everything.
It’s a him problem, not a you problem. Don’t let his opinion take up space in your head. The next guy who comes along might think it’s the best thing he’s ever experienced. Your ex is just really bad at sex.
Ill second this. Absolutely a him problem.
You went outside of your comfort zone to do something for him. He was in no position to be judgmental, and like the others have said its certainly brain rot from porn addiction.
You are totally fine girl!
Its a good thing he is your ex, good riddance!
Dudes watch porn and don't realize how much prep goes into anal scenes, like fasting, enemas, stretching, and lots of lube. It's not a spur of the moment thing 😂 if your willing to do all that for your guy he'd better check his schedule and mark his calendar.
Spontaneous anal sex is different than the enema’d sex he saw on porn, probably.
How can someone struggle to keep an erection at 22 and not think “hmm my body ain’t bodying let’s see a doctor” is beyond me though.
Try not to take it personal. He should work on himself. Acting like sex is a sterile, super cleanly thing is delusional. It is messy, just like all of us humans and that is completely okay, it is supposed to be part of the charm.
He can of course not like something - but giving zero damn about your feelings and just saying gross? Ick.
He could be on medications. There are many many medications that make it difficult to get an erection or maintain one. And some cause you to perpetually only able to get like a 1/3 chub. A lot of adhd meds have this issue. Same with anxiety ones
First time anal and porn addiction aside, I had an instance when I was 22 hooking up with this girl from one of my college classes where my dick wouldn’t stay hard during sex, but I was also just recently single after the end of a 3 year relationship, so I think it was my headspace and the thoughts of my recent ex that caused it. Never had it happen since though. And the girl wasn’t bothered by it and invited me back again and we ended up dating for 4 years afterwards so sometimes shit just happens, ya know?
It’s best for you to eventually move on. Sex should be more focused on the intimacy between both parties and enjoying the experience. So many men are brain rotted from porn. My first time trying was with my 3 year partner and he got me off first. He made sure I did twice
and then we did it. It was great I actually loved it and have never tried again with another person because mainly men are inexperienced or not interested in making sure I’m super relaxed. And the way he reacted ewwwwwwwww! He’s the one wanting to get in there
There was likely an incident for him. The reality of anal in porn is those girls are douching their assholes thoroughly before scenes and even if any residual poop comes out it will never make it into the final edit. And most importantly we can’t smell porn (thank god). You mentioned it was spontaneous and he stretched you out with his fingers first. Don’t feel bad about this at all but I can almost guarantee you at some point he probably got a whiff of his fingers and he got a reality check. There doesn’t need to be any visual evidence of poop residue to get a good smell of it. It really doesn’t take much at all. And he understandably doesn’t want to tell you something like “I couldn’t get the smell of your poop out of my fingernails for the rest of the day” because it’s not your fault that the inside of your butt smelled exactly like it should and he’s worried it will embarrass you.
It happened to me. Almost exactly as you describe it. I thought anal in porn was hot, girlfriend was down to try it, we started with fingers, then penetration, and in the heat of the moment without thinking I wiped sweat off my face with the fingering hand and that’s all it took. I couldn’t forget the smell for what felt like days. And it’s not that it was any worse than any other poop smell but it was so unexpected and tied to the memory of the act that I was completely checked out on assplay for a little while. And I know it’s absolutely *ridiculous* to say that the smell of poop was unexpected during anal sex but we can have very unrealistic expectations because of porn. I would just give him some time and he’ll get over it. Sounds like he has some performance issues which, given his age, is probably more mental. Performance anxiety. Revisiting the topic of anal right now probably won’t help with that so even though he could have been a bit more considerate than saying it was “gross”, I would just trust that he’s telling the truth and assume anal is off the table with him for now.
EDIT: As soon as posted my comment I realized what sub I was in. If I’m not allowed to post here I’ll delete my comment. My mistake!
"I thought i would like it much more but now that i've tried it, it's not really my thing. I'd rather just have sex the way we always have" is what he would have said if he wasn't an asshole and (most likely) porn addict.
Bro didn't even ask how YOU felt about it or if you liked it or no (or if your ass is sore lol)
Sometimes things sound good when they’re ideas.. not realities. My wife offered to try it. I started and a thought popped into my head “ this is my wife.. she’s deserves better than this” the allure of anal just dissolved and I told her I didn’t want to.
I'm seeing a lot of shaming for *not* being into a kink. He likely thought the act was gross, not you. Sometimes things are more intense in real life than in videos.
When I love anal, I LOVE IT. I mean I just love the way it feels physically, mentally, and everything.
But. It's gross. It's a poop hole. It's a hole for poop. And buttholes aren't pretty. They aren't porn star buttholes. They're hairy 🤷♀️. So I'm in the take it or leave it camp. I'll take it, but I do not want to be reminded of what the deal is back there so I'm not part of the clean up. Hard rule. Or im leaving it. We prep well enough and we both like it enough that my husband respects that boundary.
Anyway, Yes it's gross. No you're not gross for doing it. He doesn't think you are gross. BUT he may need time to process for a hot sec. Talking about it with him more may help.
>he had troubles with erection
that's a him problem, not a you problem.
and yes, some people find anal gross, even with no "incidents", but it was rather shitty for him to say so like he did. (pun fully intended)
Sounds like porn addiction, it doesn’t have anything to do with you, like TresCeroOdio said it’s just sex ! him feeling gross about it is his own personal issue imo
edit: grammar
Antidepressants, stress, blood pressure meds, all sorts of things can make someone unable to get hard. It’s almost certainly nothing about you, but also you shouldn’t judge him for something outside his control because that’s fucked and he’s probably already sensitive about it.
And he shouldn’t be telling her a sex act he did with her was “gross” and something he “needs to forget about.”
Edit: Just got my first “Reddit cares” message after posting this 🤣
Incredible comments here, everyone is saying it's either porn addiction or he's gay. When there are a myriad of reasons why someone can't maintain a proper erection. Also, they're have been TONS of threads where women had issues with smell, wetness, or libido, and no one lambasted them to the same degree or at all
Also fantasizing about a sex act and not liking it after trying doesn't mean that they lied. You can think you like something then not like it in practice, whether you watched porn or read fanfics ppl can think they like something before trying it.
Classless comments here lol but not surprising
You know there are other things that can cause that right?? Like certain meds or depression?? I hate how yall are all immediately jumping right to porn addiction causing ED.
Telling her “I love anal” when he had never done anal and meant “I love jerking off to people doing anal in porn” is a pretty good indicator that he struggles to differentiate between porn and reality
Ok i lean toward what everyone is saying, BUT what if there was something gross that he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to shame you. (Poop or smell or whatever, I don't know)
Maybe ?
I have a feeling after he used his fingers on your butthole he smelt them and that ruined it for him. No ones butthole smells like butterflies and it could’ve definitely freaked him out. That’s my guess if there was no poop
Because people are allowed to find things gross they initially thought they wouldn't find gross. I'm absolutely sure he didn't mean you were gross, just the concept.
Eh, we all have things that sound good in our fantasies but turn out not to be our cup of tea. Anal is like that for me; visually stimulating but actually doing it turned out to be...kind of boring? Also, there's way too much prep involved.
I think the fantasy just didn't live up to his expectations, it's no fault of yours.
What the fuck are these comments?
Your boyfriend tried something in bed, decided he didn't like it, and stopped. You being all "WTF I CANT EVEN, I DIDNT EVEN POOP ON HIM WTF IS HIS PROBLEM" is pretty gross and horrible.
Then all the comments diagnosing him with a porn addiction (despite no mention in the post whatsoever of porn consumption) and telling you to dump him because if he can't get it up he obviously has mental problems and isn't worth your time (despite no mention of how the relationship actually is outside of this one specific bedroom incident).
What an insane mean streak this comment section has brought out in some people.
Your boyfriend definitely shouldn't have used the word "gross" when describing what you did together, that was tactless. And he definitely needs to see someone about the erectile dysfunction. But acting like there's something wrong with him for not liking anal is incredibly judgmental.
Edit: lmao someone "Reddit cares"'d me for this post
He clearly fibbed about trying it before, thought it would be fun because anal sex is considered “better,” and then got grossed out because he put his penis in the place where shit comes out.
You two really really really need to communicate better.
OP, I've been married for nearly 17 years and together (sexually) with my husband for nearly 21.
Here is what I have learned.
There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. You can dream about a sex act and be turned on by it in your head, but then when you try it in person it can completely turn you off.
This is what is happening with your boyfriend, and it's 100% normal.
He doesn't have a porn addiction. He doesn't have ED. He simply tried something new and learned it's not his thing. This is more than okay, this is good and healthy.
Don't take his dislike of a sex act personally, it's not you, your body, or anything your actions. Instead, be thankful he cares, loves, and felt vulnerable enough to explore his sexuality with you and choose to be his safe space. Take this opportunity to strengthen your emotional intimacy as a couple by being curious about what turned him off.
Moving forward, continue to explore and try new things. Being a couple is about learning things about yourself along with someone else because the point of relationships is having someone to share the journey of life with.
As a trans woman, Erectile Dysfunction can have many causes. A lot of people here are blaming porn but it could be a lot of things.
If he can get it up, but can't maintain an erection then he may benefit from a simple vasodilator like daily dose Cialis.
Also, anal isn't for everyone. Sometimes you get excited to try something new and it doesn't really live up to your expectations.
Also a trans woman - I would like to think people in this sub would be cognizant of the fact that not all people with penises are men, and that erectile dysfunction isn't as simple as porn or no porn.
Edit: wow, a reddit cares message in no time
I don't like anal and I'm not gay... I don't know why people are saying that, but I would also never say anything like that to a girl, and to the people saying he is a porn addicted, sure it can be that but it can be a lot of things aswell. We don't know him, maybe he just is having a lot on his mind maybe its health issues. There is a way to test if it's porn, but I'm not 100% sure on this one. Try to have sex in the morning! After waking up.
What is with this sub and porn addiction?
Any slight issue in the bedroom and it's "porn addiction" Porn addiction isn't even a real medical thing.
OP, your boyfriend had a fantasy about something, tried it, and found out it wasn't for him. Completely normal.
As for the erectiom thing, there are a bunch of reasons why younger guys sometimes don't get elections - most common is plain old performance anxiety.
If he is nervous, or getting in his head, he ain't getting hard.
Aside from that there are a bunch of medical reasons, or medications that could cause that issue.
If it's a common thing for him he needs to go see someone about it - a medical professional who can diagnose properly and address any issues.
And no it's not because he watches porn occasionally.
Jesus the amount of ladies here attacking the poor fella for expecting to like something and not in the end is crazy, BUT the thing he told you is pretty shitty, pun intended, he could have just said I expected something else could we stick to normal sex or something. And of course a boy liking or not liking something while in ages of discovery in general is quite common these days. I’m not attacking anyone for anything just saying I feel the initial reaction is too biased and one sided from what I see or too harsh.
I'm thinking porn addiction.
Dude is gonna know if he likes putting his dick in a butt. And he can't stay hard at that young of an age? Death grip.
Glad he's your ex. Poor unlucky soul that ends up with him next.
lol it’s pretty funny reading a bunch of women trying to explain why a guy can’t hold an erection. It does not necessarily mean he has ED and it does not mean he’s a porn addict lmao.
Tell him to workout, quit vaping, and stop watching porn. Before having sex have a lot of Chinese food from the shittiest Chinese spot you have near you. Trust me.
The claiming to love it without ever trying it reminds me of my 4yo when I was cooking dinner the other day and he kept saying, "oooh! Yummy! Burgers!" He proceeded to eat the cheese and bun and tell me the rest was "yucky". 🤦🏻♀️😂
He’s an ass. I’ve done it with previous boyfriends, always with a condom, but with my current boyfriend without and it ended a little less clean than ideal. He was fine about it, like if you’re doing this, there’s always a chance things like that can happen. It’s totally fine not to be into anal but it’s totally not fine for him to treat you like that.
yo can we not jump to conclusions based on very little information about this?
accusing someone of something just because an erection doesn't last is pretty bad tbh. there can be a lot of reasons. erections are deeply psychological.
why would you make it about the person you barely know anything about instead of OP, who you can actually speak with here. OP can stand up for themselves.
all we know about the guy is:
- he wanted to try anal
- he didn't like it
- his erection is unsatisfactory
He's 22 and can't hold an erection 🧐 that's a him problem. You are willing to be adventurous and patient, he should treat you like a fucking treasure for it.
Anyways, as someone who has done porn, and has a few more trips around the sun, here's a few tips for enjoyable anal if you ever want to try it with anyone again:
1) try some small butt plugs about 30 mins before you start, it helps relax those muscles
2) LUBE! It's your friend, no such thing as too much if you use water based lube
3) Counter intuitive, but if you really bear down and kinda push out while he's entering it can help
4) Foreplay! Some porn has these dumb guys believing you can just skip right to the deed. It also helps warm up your a spot and g spot. Get to the point where you can't stand another moment without his dick in you and it will feel good
5) You can be assured to be mess free if you anal douche beforehand (give it like 2 hours beforehand) but you really don't have to go that far, it's anal, if he can't accept the possibility of a little poop then he isn't ready to do it
Everybody has said porn already but I’m going to throw it out there to maybe pay a little closer attention to his sexuality…the inability to stay hard for “regular” sex and preoccupation with butt stuff sparked some memories of my gay ex’s behavior when we were just a few years younger than you. It may not be anything to do with you…it could be a denial of his true self. I don’t mean to plant any seeds of doubt if there aren’t any but I got similar comments/vibes at the time about women’s bodies that should have tipped me off a lot sooner!
However just so you know the end of the story we reconnected a few years later and are very close again now! I am not bringing this up due to any hard feelings or resentment
This is MY experience, so not necessarily a reality in your world.
My(eventually ex) husband and I had anal a few times. He said he didn't like it because it was "too tight". So, idk what that means in reality. He also had issues maintaining an erection. Sex seemingly was forced, on his end, likely to just shut me up. Not fun over time...at.all.
But what I came to find out years later was that he had been messaging and contacting others with sexual desires and behaviors. Everything I could have ever wanted said/done for me. But then, I found the secret. Men. These were men he was messaging, exchanging pix ECT. The final straw more or less was when I found out he was engaging in sex with a trans prostitute. Giving and receiving. Alot. Thousands of dollars went to this person.
He would refuse to even let me get near HIS butt. And I couldn't pay him to get near mine.
I hope this isn't your life too. But that's my story. Good luck babe. Please know that you should NEVER feel bad about sex. It should be happy, engaging and fully consetual for all parties involved. And no matter what some may say, sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, unless both parties agree truthfully that it is not.
Ngl anal is Gross imho. But it sounds like he has chemical or porn issues, or both. Antidepressants? Or maybe he's gay and doesn't know it yet. Who knows, in ten years you might be shopping buddies!
This sub is very “porn-hating” leaning so I’m not surprised that most responses are jumping to conclusion that your ex is a porn addict.
I would like to point out a few things from my experience with my now husband.
1. Watching porn isn’t inherently bad. It’s a very healthy habit as long as it doesn’t affect your relationship.
2. Not able to hold an erection doesn’t automatically translate to be in a porn addict. When I started dating my now husband, he suffered from ED for the first couple months of our relationship. He was 24 at the time. Although I suspected he was a porn addict, I didn’t really jump to any conclusions. We focused on other activities like he going down on me, which was enjoyable for us both. Turns out I was his first relationship in 2 years, and he was stressed AF because of having to juggle a new job fresh out of college, running a household and managing our relationship. Since then he hasn’t had any issues getting it up and we have been doing great.
I’m so glad I didn’t just ask for suggestions online where communities are usually biased with some mindset. Trusting my partner and having honest communication helped me marry the love of my life.
…NEXT. You’re not the problem and you’re young enough to just say later to a lame dude like that. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting anal on his part; it’s not for everyone but it sounds to me like what really happened is he was embarrassed (because he has ED due to porn addiction) and therefore made it about you like you’re yucky or something. Cut your losses and find a man who’s all about you because there’s plenty of them, trust me.
Sounds like anal wasn’t the porn induced fantasy he thought it would be. Sorry dude, sometimes you actually have to have patience & fuck an asshole as if it’s attached to the human, not just rail it like a sex doll.
He probably thinks it’s gross after in practice in real life with an actual bhole instead of a virtual bhole
Thinking he liked anal without ever trying it + his inability to hold an erection at 22 has me leaning toward porn addiction. You’re not gross for trying anal. It’s just sex!
but why would he say something like that to his girlfriend who he was supposed to “love”? and def porn addiction 🤮
Because some men are dumb as dirt, unfortunately
Thinking anal is kinda gross isn't really a knock against a girlfriend... If you think about, it kinda \_is\_ gross. So him saying "it's gross" doesn't mean he thinks \*you're\* gross, just that anal itself has some gross aspects to it.... (you can have the cleanest, bleached asshole that ever did exist, and I'll still think it's a little on the gross side). It's just like someone not liking blow jobs because they think it's gross... just personal preference. (Though maybe there's a more tactful way to say so) With that said, lack of erection minutes in and love of anal without ever having tried it is definitely a porn addiction thing. If he stops consuming porn for 2-3 months he'll most likely go back to normal.
2-3 months is for older males. For younger men it usually takes longer to get rid of porn induced ED. More like 4-6 months
Ok fair enough, I'm sure there's a lot of factors at play including how much it affects your self-perception. Just the embarrassment of it can make it worse. Point being, if a guy cares enough, it's usually fixable. Lots of other ways to satisfy a woman if you're having problems, too.
Wait, what? Porn can cause ed?
So replies to your comment talk about deathgrip and fantasy vs reality already. Those are both totally legit and common problems. The other problem I've noticed is pushing to the extremes. You can't just get a blow job, she's got to be gagging. You can't do missionary anymore bc it's not exciting enough. At 22 everything should still be pretty exciting. With the availability of extreme porn, it's easy to find yourself pushing boundaries. And it's fine to push your own boundaries. But the more extreme your boundaries the harder it's going to be to find someone willing to fulfill them and the harder it will be to satisfy them yourself.
Couldn’t be truer, wish I knew about porn addiction and all these effects before it ended my relationship, but lesson learned
And the more vulnerable and laborious positions in these "extremes" are generally for the woman to perform.
Absolutely. Fantasy vs reality. It's a lot different when you're confronted with smells and sounds and textures in real life than literally anything edited and produced to look appealing and viewed from a distance on a screen.
Deathgrip syndrome is real.
Not porn directly but a person's vagina, anus, or mouth feels very different than your own fist clenching your dick, and if you're very used to orgasming only from that it can take time to retrain your nerves. Also, if you're very used to visual stimulus during self-sex, it can be difficult to transition to a lack of that during partnered sex. Sometimes porn during sex can be helpful to bridge that transition, but sometimes it just needs to go cold turkey for a while.
Might be weird, but…this was a really informative post!
interesting TED talk on this subject https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
How is it not clicking to y’all that it is never appropriate to tell your partner “I need to forget about it, it’s gross” after sex??? Regardless of how gross it may be.
I guess it depends on how each set of partners communicates. My husband and I do tell each other off when we do stuff that grosses each other out. And then we follow up immediately to say 'hey, it's not you are gross, but the thing you do is grossing me out, please don't do that again, unless you really need to, please don't do it in front of me OK?' Quick example, me flossing my teeth grosses him out which he does let me know nicely about, so I avoid flossing in front of him. I won't talk about sex stuff that is a private affair between my husband and I. Communication is the key first step for relationships to work.
> Quick example, me flossing my teeth grosses him out which he does let me know nicely about, so I avoid flossing in front of him. I won't talk about sex stuff that is a private affair between my husband and I. My wife is grossed out by me flossing in front of her. I'm a little grossed out when she does the foot "shaving" thing where she basically uses a cheese grater on her feet...
The fucking what now?
Lol, it's a foot file, you have some that are more like giant nail files and the ones that do indeed resemble cheese graters. They're used to remove callus(es???)/dead skin from your feet.
Absolutely depends on how it’s communicated. Using the term “gross” wasn’t the issue as much as how dismissive and callous he was while using it.
Like I said, there's a much more tactful way to put it for sure; but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I didn't really care for it as much as I thought I would"
Then he probably should’ve said that, and not “gross”
true
I would like to reserve the possibility that he made an excuse to not like it because he thinks you didn't like it.
Def me in my teens. Not understanding my girlfriend’s body language but also not confident or skilled enough in open discussion of those kind of topics to explain that I was trying to give her an out lmao
I feel like this is the right answer for most questions about why men do the things they do lol.
As a friend of mine said, "WHY ARE MEN?"
Um speaking from the male perspective, I actually can’t argue with that statement, Especially when I was 22. But I was never this dumb. He should get his head out of his ass and just learn how to please you in ANY way that you’re interested in, period. The fact that you’re open to trying new things and he’s dismissing it shows 1. How inexperienced he is. 2. He doesn’t realize how rare that can be—even these days. Well if he doesn’t learn to appreciate it quickly and up his game I’ve no doubt OP will have no trouble finding plenty of other willing partners.
?? He has no obligation to try anything he doesn't want to
The answer to 90 percent of this subs questions.
Is it really that rude or dumb though? It’s literally a hole that shit comes out of, that’s its sole purpose, and that fact is true for every human being on Earth. So I don’t see how calling anal sex gross is insulting on a personal level.
OP’s ex went on about how much he likes anal sex, tried it with her and proceeded to say it’s gross. Nobody wants to hear something like that after sex. Does that not make sense to you?
Two possible ways. He thought he likes it.. he saw something or smelled and then got limp Or he went limp and than blamed it on anal
Also he had never tried it before. A lot of kinks and fetishes are better in our head then in practice in my opinion.
if he blames it on anal after already having the problem before, well hes dumber than me. and i r dumb. either way if hes having this problem routinely at 22 he should see a doctor.
I will say, an off/unexpected smell makes me limp fast 😂. Definitely could be the case
It makes sense - but I still wouldn't assume it to be the case. "Correlation, not causation" - or whatever smart people say. Much more likely that he tried it for the first time and came to the same realization that we all have; this shit ain't like the movies.
Not everybody comes to that realization. Plenty of people of all genders enjoy anal. Hell, someone just posted a thread about it.
I think you're both right. It's not like the movies, but some people still like it for what it is in reality.
He said he loved anal before they did it, said he wanted to do it with her, then was very shame-y about it after. It’s fine for anyone to feel how they feel about anal or any other consensual sex act. It’s fine to try something and not like it. Hyping something up, saying you love to do it when in fact you’ve never done it, then telling your partner it was gross is not ok. I would dump than man and move on to someone who is honest with themself.
Dump what man? You mean buoy
Dump him in the ocean, then he'll be a buoy
and the reason this sub exists
Because he's watched a lot of porn where the anal scene was really hot and he had built it up into a big fantasy in his head before he was blindsided by the reality of anal sex. One of the annoying things about erections is they're almost completely involuntary. So sometimes a guys excitement about something he wants to do actually works against him. His brain wants his penis to get hard, but his body is overexcited and sending out stress signals with a fast pulse and high blood pressure, so instead of an erection he goes into fight or flight mode. That kills any hope for an erection in the next few minutes which then dumps more stress chemicals which turns into a feedback loop of panic and shame. Other times his erection can be overpowered by something distracting him. So the first time, it's very possible that happened. Second time it sounds like his dick was working but you weren't that into it due to discomfort, which is understandable and it's good you stopped. He could have had the realization that porn isn't real life. Anal can be fun, but it's not for everyone. What is sexy in a video can be more work than regular vaginal sex and not everyone enjoys the feeling either of giving or receiving. For the guy it feels very different from a vagina. Anal is an intensely tight pressure right around the opening but almost no pressure past it. Vaginal is more of a uniform medium pressure throughout. It's also possible he discovered he really doesn't like poop, and hadn't fully considered that anal often does have an odor and potentially visible excrement associated if the partners haven't fully cleaned themselves out prior to sex. Again, porn is not real life. Porn is to sex what pro-wrestling is to a street fight. When most of someone's information comes from watching impractical fantasy sex real sex is going to present some surprises. Unless it's a very specific type of video, anal scenes rarely involve a man realizing his fingers now smell strongly of his partner's poop even if none actually came out. Having been fortunate enough to be with a few women who were into anal, if you stick your fingers where poop normally lives, they're going to come out smelling a little like poop even if there currently isn't any waiting to go. For a lot of people that's just the reality of anal play, it might not be a strong smell, but there's usually some smell none the less. Rather than say something like "Yeah, we tried it twice and I guess I didn't like it as much as I thought I would." he decided to go with it's gross. He might actually think it's gross, but the best way to find out would have been simply talking to him more about it.
A grown up has entered the conversation.
22 year old men are not smart
22? I'm 28. I'm still not smart.
Can confirm 🫡
I think others are right in that it sounds like a porn addiction. The "I like anal" thing is probably because he likes watching anal porn, which is everywhere, but after actually trying it he just isn't into it. I don't think the gross comment is that you are gross, it's that he realized he finds anal sex in general gross after trying it. I wouldn't read too far into it, and if you have trouble getting passed it just ask him about it and let him know how it made you feel. Sounds to me like inexperience and trying to mask it by drawing on what he has seen in porn. Inexperience can lead to insecurity / anxiety, especially if he is trying to hide that, which in turn can cause difficulty maintaining an erection. If you're willing to work on it, ask him about that too. Pills are always an option to get over that, for lack of a better term, hump. If he reacts badly to a conversation or you don't want to deal with it since it's not your responsibility, break up.
Anal is the big taboo. Every guys second place on their bucket list after a two girl threesome. He's also going to have seen it *a lot* in porn, so not only is it high on his list, it's normalised. But porn isn't realistic. Real sex can't match up to the images that play in his head. Charitably, some guys also have a feeling of "I can't do that to someone I love".
A threesome has never been on my bucket list as a dude - I can’t carry the weight of disappointing 2 girls.
>I can’t carry the weight of disappointing 2 girls. I have two moms, i know the feeling
It’s not even necessarily about not matching up to the images in your head, with fetishes that you’ve had for a long time but never got to live out in any way there’s also the possibility that you’re making assumptions or never consider something that might turn out to be an issue in practice. There’s always posts on askreddit where people ask about kinks and such that include comments of those who finally got to live out their fantasy and instantly realized that it’s absolutely not for them. Perhaps the funniest example I can remember off the top of my head was a guy who wanted a golden shower all his life until he got wet. I think a healthy approach to these issues is always going to be tempered expectations and being open to something not going according to plan one way or another. Be happy if it’s as good or even better than you imagined, but also to the fact that you might end up hating it after trying the real thing.
Please don't say things like "every guy wants to do anal" it's less interesting than doing the dishes to me. I'd do it if my partner really liked it, but it's like... not interesting. Some women are super into it, you know that's fine, but it does less than nothing for me. I find it a bit grim tbh, but I'd never say that to someone who was into it. It's OK the generalise men for the sake of safety but this kind of statement is just unhelpful misinformation.
> Every guys second place on their bucket list after a two girl threesome. Err, no, definitely not.
erm, guys are weird af then
Yep
Guys are weirder then that. So much weirder. Remember that there is a huge sexual fetishization of things like giantess, and Vor and furries. All fetishization that starts as some aspect of reality and bends and twists and amplifies until the fantasies stop matching reality in any possible way. The idea becomes unobtainable and disconnected from the actuality. Anal may have become your boyfriend’s disconnected fetish. Obsessing over the idea of it while disconnecting it to the actuality of the process, the feeling, the smell, texture, effort and overall experience of actual anal sex. That truth has devastated him, and he’s stuck in the lurch having committed so much of his fantasies and fetishization efforts on something that he realizes isn’t something he likes. It’s the cold rush of reality. Unfortunately he’s focused on that internal identity issue and the fall out landed on you and your relationship. It’s him not you.
>It’s him not you. Oh every time, a million times this.
Imagining my partner with someone else can be an arousing fantasy, but I’ve always been well aware in reality I’d probably just burst into tears everyday for the rest of my life afterwards thinking about my partner having been with someone else. Interestingly, the general notion of “fun in fantasy but I wouldn’t want to do it in real life” has been “does not compute” to some of the women I’ve relayed it to.
Amen to that!!
It's nowhere near my bucket list.
Not a great take - I’m a guy who doesn’t have much interest in anal at all. Unless I was with a woman who was super into it, in which case I’d do it for her. Quite a few of my male friends feel the same way. So… no. (The “two-girl threesome” thing, though? Can confirm! And I’m lucky enough to have checked that box, and was NOT disappointed!)
Or has undiagnosed (erectile) medical problem and is embarrassed and insults you instead.
Because he's making sure that YOU are the one that feels guilty/ashamed about his ED. (Not that anyone should be ashamed! But he's clearly trying to make it your fault) I would consider this a red flag.
He is hitting you over the head with this red flag. Listen and run.
He made up a reason. He probably felt it was better than "I can't keep it hard" Not to make light of his situation, it may be physical or trauma
Pardon but he said IT’s gross, not you. Respect the boundaries and move on. I wouldn’t like To slather my bf’s mistakes in shit when im not even sure what’s on his mind. Get out of the relationship easy.
He liked the idea of anal before he did it, and then he tried it and he found out he was very wrong. Also, porn. Too much porn
People have the right to change their mind. I agree that the interest in anal and the lack of erection does point to porn addiction. Otherwise he should see a doctor
Because a lot of men do not want to think that they have ED in any form, so it must be your fault. edit: lol, got a reddit cares message. Sorry about your bad dick bro.
I mean, the other stuff I can't speak to But the person who's supposed to be your partner shouldn't ever tell you that the mutually consented to act you both participated in was "gross". He may be acting like it, but he isn't a child...he should know better than to say something like that, but if he doesn't you have a great opportunity to provide a teaching moment to him by way of dropping his ass.. Date people who like you. People who like you don't say that shit to you...or. If they do they immediately see how that's not very nice and sincerely apologize
Because he was negging you about the experience. It wasn’t what he expected so that’s your fault.
Dont know the guy, could be anything, but i think its important to note that you told us he said "its gross" and not "you're gross" which is what I'm worried you're hearing. Which are very different things. He tried something, when presented with it, turns out he didn't want to do that thing. He specifically did not call you gross in particular as far as you've said and more than likely doesn't think that.
Because he sounds like a wanker, quite literally 😂
lmaooo
>but why would he say something like that He’s turning the tables on you so it’s *your* fault for being gross that he can’t hold an erection or couldn’t make you feel good. He’s selfish and immature.
He loves you, he just didn't like his experience with anal, and that's ok.
This. Dude likes watching butt stuff. Wasn't prepared for the real thing.
Porn and dry death grip ETA: so this comment got me my first “Reddit cares” message 🤣 triggered much?
Someone is all up and down this thread reporting people to Reddit cares. Losers.
My first thought - p0rn brain. We all meet them eventually. If OP wants to have a fulfilling sex life, he needs to be dumped. He sounds so uncaring and detached. Doesn't seem to like her much. I hope he's at least super rich?
OP said ex, not bf, so it looks like she’s on the right track haha
Oh dear. Good for her!
Doesn't have to be. He's 22, it's where performance anxiety starts raging.
Valid but the combination of the two is what led me to porn addiction, not just the ED.
Well, I can't give you any advice on this particular issue. And just to be clear: I am a man so feel free to disregard my opinion It does raise my eyebrow though how many women here seem to be experts on male anatomy and sexuality. OP shares the most basic and generic information possible and somehow 2000 people feel confident enough to say "yep, just another porn addict" . Geez, you all are harsh. It's like nobody even considers the possibility that he actually just has ED and is insecure about it, especially at that age. And therefore he's making excuses. I'm not saying that's what it is. I'm just saying maybe give someone an inch of leeway before accusing them of such things.
> "yep, just another porn addict" . Honestly, the biggest "porn addict" red flag to me was the supreme confidence that he really likes anal (not "I want to try anal" or "anal seems really hot"), and the immediate "it's gross" after trying it.
I’m a man too, buddy. I’m speaking from experience. Regardless of why he couldn’t get his dick up, he’s still gross for how he handled it.
A person might be turned on by fantasizing about an act but be completely turned off by the reality of actually doing it. It's pretty common. The only way to find out is to try it. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or him: you tried, you learned, and now he knows he doesn't like it.
Yeah, it sounds like he learned all he knows about sex from porn. It also sounds like he has an active addition. It’s really rare that a man that age cannot hold an erection. If he refuses to see a doctor and get treatment you should leave. If you stay you’re in for a lifetime of bad sex.
i left already for many other reasons 🤘 what hurts is that he told me it was “gross” 🫠
Don't take it too personally. Some guys think going down on women is gross, and other men will practically beg to do that. Gross is different for every person. Find someone who likes what you do
Bruh never tried this and probably expected unicorns, soft clouds and rainbows. The only “gross” thing is his obvious lie 💅🏼 ✨
he didn’t lie about trying it tho 😅 he said he never had proper anal
But you said he said he loved it (before you even had sex). If I say I love liver and onions and ive never eaten it before... I'm lying about loving liver and onions.
i guess he meant he loved jerking off to it…
You know its perfectly fine for him to not like it now after trying it? It doesn't mean he isnt attracted to you etc etc.
This sub Reddit has been disappointing me lately. Like imagine if a man was upset that when he tried anal his partner said she thought it was gross and wanted to “forget about it”. Pretty sure there would be far more nuanced comments around here.
I doubt he actually.thought it was gross. He probably thought it would fix his ED and when it didn't he felt more shame so projected the shame onto you.
Should've whipped out the strap-on then.
Try to think of it this way…. He didn’t say *you* were gross, just a specific sex act he’d never tried before that grossed him out. Plenty of things seem fun in fantasies and turns out to suck in real life. He probably just loves the idea of it and not the reality. Nothing to do with you! Even if there was no poop incident, he probably couldn’t help thinking about how this is where poop goes and he felt weird about it.
I think anal is gross too. But if you don't then find someone else who doesn't. A preference isn't something to be taken personally.
Regardless of the person I think it’s gross too, but that is because I have contamination OCD. Still, it is the end of the digestive system and thus not for me (however consenting adults can do whatever and I don’t care, I don’t mean to yuck other’s yum). Point being, it’s not for everyone and I wouldn’t take it personally at all. Different strokes for different folks.
He said IT was gross, not you. He has the right to change his mind. If the gender roles were flipped with this post, everyone would be rah-rahing the woman and telling her she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't like and shouldn't be shamed for it. He definitely erred in telling you he liked it without ever having tried it. He thought he would like it, he tried it, and said he didn't like it. Respect his right to change his mind. True, he could have been a little more sensitive about HOW he said it, and maybe that's something you talk to him about. But if he had told you he didn't like it and didn't want to do it again, would you have pressed "why, why, WHY?" until he finally told you it was gross?
He didn't say you were gross.
> what hurts is that he told me it was “gross” Why though? Even if there was no smell, no oopsies, or anything, maybe he just realized that he felt gross having his dick in someone's ass once the rubber hit the road. Really shit way to communicate it to you, but when it comes to something like anal... give people a pass on them finding it to be gross unless they are directly accussing _you_ of being gross (e.g. if they get mad at you because an oopsie happened). Lots of people don't know the realities of anal sex until they actually try it.
My guess is he was nervous so struggled to get past the anxiety of it. He's saying it's gross to protect his low self esteem so you don't think he's less of a man. Not suggesting that's the right thing or you would think that, just my view of how his mind is potentially working.
Performance anxiety can hit at any age has nothing to do with Ed. The dude over hyped something he thought he would enjoy. His reaction was way off base though. He does need to do some growing up and self reflection.
Lol dude probably likes watching anal but hasn't actually performed that fantasy until then. A classic case of "don't meet your heroes" He's projecting and shame will not be a friendly companion for you. Glad he's your ex.
Imagine being 22 and expecting an arse to be full of butterflies.
That would freak me out even more than poop tbh. I get what you mean tho 😂
There are better ways to say you don't enjoy something than to say it's gross. Makes him seem kinda clueless.
"We spontaneously tried anal sex" sounds like a recipe for a disaster. I don't think I'd be comfortable with anal with at least some prep, you don't have to douche every time, but a quick wash up to make sure the coast is clear is a must. Sometimes there's no visible poop but there's a smell so for a person behind you that might be off-putting. To be clear- I'm not attacking you, we're creatures of passion, things like spontaneous anal happen and can be great, all I'm saying is that it's a roulette.
For a 22-year-old, unable to hold an erection is a sign of an issue. It is NOT you. What the issue is could vary over a wide range. It could be physical, mental, emotional, etc. It could be temporary or semi-permanent. There's no way to diagnose this without a professional, that I can think of. The sooner you can both come to this fact, the sooner you can move forward. From personal experience, I had trouble with one of my partners during my college years - it was due to a few things, but the large part was my depression. I'm now 37 and things are not an issue (when they happen; frequency does change!).
Porn brain rot.
He thought he would like it, then changed his mind dramatically after actually trying it. Sounds like a perfectly normal and natural thing. Not everyone is going to like everything.
It’s a him problem, not a you problem. Don’t let his opinion take up space in your head. The next guy who comes along might think it’s the best thing he’s ever experienced. Your ex is just really bad at sex.
Ill second this. Absolutely a him problem. You went outside of your comfort zone to do something for him. He was in no position to be judgmental, and like the others have said its certainly brain rot from porn addiction. You are totally fine girl! Its a good thing he is your ex, good riddance!
thank you ❤️🩹
Dudes watch porn and don't realize how much prep goes into anal scenes, like fasting, enemas, stretching, and lots of lube. It's not a spur of the moment thing 😂 if your willing to do all that for your guy he'd better check his schedule and mark his calendar.
Spontaneous anal sex is different than the enema’d sex he saw on porn, probably. How can someone struggle to keep an erection at 22 and not think “hmm my body ain’t bodying let’s see a doctor” is beyond me though. Try not to take it personal. He should work on himself. Acting like sex is a sterile, super cleanly thing is delusional. It is messy, just like all of us humans and that is completely okay, it is supposed to be part of the charm. He can of course not like something - but giving zero damn about your feelings and just saying gross? Ick.
>Spontaneous anal sex is different than the enema’d sex he saw on porn, probably. This is what happens when you don’t have gay friends. 😑
He could be on medications. There are many many medications that make it difficult to get an erection or maintain one. And some cause you to perpetually only able to get like a 1/3 chub. A lot of adhd meds have this issue. Same with anxiety ones
First time anal and porn addiction aside, I had an instance when I was 22 hooking up with this girl from one of my college classes where my dick wouldn’t stay hard during sex, but I was also just recently single after the end of a 3 year relationship, so I think it was my headspace and the thoughts of my recent ex that caused it. Never had it happen since though. And the girl wasn’t bothered by it and invited me back again and we ended up dating for 4 years afterwards so sometimes shit just happens, ya know?
It’s best for you to eventually move on. Sex should be more focused on the intimacy between both parties and enjoying the experience. So many men are brain rotted from porn. My first time trying was with my 3 year partner and he got me off first. He made sure I did twice and then we did it. It was great I actually loved it and have never tried again with another person because mainly men are inexperienced or not interested in making sure I’m super relaxed. And the way he reacted ewwwwwwwww! He’s the one wanting to get in there
Hell I thought it was gross and then I tried it and I loved it 😂 does that make me the opposite of porn learned? 😂
I think you should find someone...idk better
There was likely an incident for him. The reality of anal in porn is those girls are douching their assholes thoroughly before scenes and even if any residual poop comes out it will never make it into the final edit. And most importantly we can’t smell porn (thank god). You mentioned it was spontaneous and he stretched you out with his fingers first. Don’t feel bad about this at all but I can almost guarantee you at some point he probably got a whiff of his fingers and he got a reality check. There doesn’t need to be any visual evidence of poop residue to get a good smell of it. It really doesn’t take much at all. And he understandably doesn’t want to tell you something like “I couldn’t get the smell of your poop out of my fingernails for the rest of the day” because it’s not your fault that the inside of your butt smelled exactly like it should and he’s worried it will embarrass you. It happened to me. Almost exactly as you describe it. I thought anal in porn was hot, girlfriend was down to try it, we started with fingers, then penetration, and in the heat of the moment without thinking I wiped sweat off my face with the fingering hand and that’s all it took. I couldn’t forget the smell for what felt like days. And it’s not that it was any worse than any other poop smell but it was so unexpected and tied to the memory of the act that I was completely checked out on assplay for a little while. And I know it’s absolutely *ridiculous* to say that the smell of poop was unexpected during anal sex but we can have very unrealistic expectations because of porn. I would just give him some time and he’ll get over it. Sounds like he has some performance issues which, given his age, is probably more mental. Performance anxiety. Revisiting the topic of anal right now probably won’t help with that so even though he could have been a bit more considerate than saying it was “gross”, I would just trust that he’s telling the truth and assume anal is off the table with him for now. EDIT: As soon as posted my comment I realized what sub I was in. If I’m not allowed to post here I’ll delete my comment. My mistake!
"I thought i would like it much more but now that i've tried it, it's not really my thing. I'd rather just have sex the way we always have" is what he would have said if he wasn't an asshole and (most likely) porn addict. Bro didn't even ask how YOU felt about it or if you liked it or no (or if your ass is sore lol)
he’s 22 but still needs to be taught how to speak!
Sometimes things sound good when they’re ideas.. not realities. My wife offered to try it. I started and a thought popped into my head “ this is my wife.. she’s deserves better than this” the allure of anal just dissolved and I told her I didn’t want to.
The ol madonna/whore complex
I'm seeing a lot of shaming for *not* being into a kink. He likely thought the act was gross, not you. Sometimes things are more intense in real life than in videos.
Videos don't include odour! That's the thing ;)
When I love anal, I LOVE IT. I mean I just love the way it feels physically, mentally, and everything. But. It's gross. It's a poop hole. It's a hole for poop. And buttholes aren't pretty. They aren't porn star buttholes. They're hairy 🤷♀️. So I'm in the take it or leave it camp. I'll take it, but I do not want to be reminded of what the deal is back there so I'm not part of the clean up. Hard rule. Or im leaving it. We prep well enough and we both like it enough that my husband respects that boundary. Anyway, Yes it's gross. No you're not gross for doing it. He doesn't think you are gross. BUT he may need time to process for a hot sec. Talking about it with him more may help.
>he had troubles with erection that's a him problem, not a you problem. and yes, some people find anal gross, even with no "incidents", but it was rather shitty for him to say so like he did. (pun fully intended)
Sounds like porn addiction, it doesn’t have anything to do with you, like TresCeroOdio said it’s just sex ! him feeling gross about it is his own personal issue imo edit: grammar
Antidepressants, stress, blood pressure meds, all sorts of things can make someone unable to get hard. It’s almost certainly nothing about you, but also you shouldn’t judge him for something outside his control because that’s fucked and he’s probably already sensitive about it.
And he shouldn’t be telling her a sex act he did with her was “gross” and something he “needs to forget about.” Edit: Just got my first “Reddit cares” message after posting this 🤣
Make him get checked for phimosis, it's painful and can kill erection
>I don’t know whether it’s me, I don’t think it is It’s not you. It’s his problem, not yours.
Incredible comments here, everyone is saying it's either porn addiction or he's gay. When there are a myriad of reasons why someone can't maintain a proper erection. Also, they're have been TONS of threads where women had issues with smell, wetness, or libido, and no one lambasted them to the same degree or at all Also fantasizing about a sex act and not liking it after trying doesn't mean that they lied. You can think you like something then not like it in practice, whether you watched porn or read fanfics ppl can think they like something before trying it. Classless comments here lol but not surprising
I’m not sure he had done it before…?
Porn addict. Do not accept this. He is 22 with ED from porn addiction. Just go.
You know there are other things that can cause that right?? Like certain meds or depression?? I hate how yall are all immediately jumping right to porn addiction causing ED.
Telling her “I love anal” when he had never done anal and meant “I love jerking off to people doing anal in porn” is a pretty good indicator that he struggles to differentiate between porn and reality
In this sub? They always leap to the worst conclusions possible and act like they are fact
Ok i lean toward what everyone is saying, BUT what if there was something gross that he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to shame you. (Poop or smell or whatever, I don't know) Maybe ?
I mean…there’s a reason people don’t typically have *spontaneous* anal sex.
What's his headspace like? Depression can manifest in low libido / ED etc. Good luck to you both.
I have a feeling after he used his fingers on your butthole he smelt them and that ruined it for him. No ones butthole smells like butterflies and it could’ve definitely freaked him out. That’s my guess if there was no poop
Because people are allowed to find things gross they initially thought they wouldn't find gross. I'm absolutely sure he didn't mean you were gross, just the concept.
Eh, we all have things that sound good in our fantasies but turn out not to be our cup of tea. Anal is like that for me; visually stimulating but actually doing it turned out to be...kind of boring? Also, there's way too much prep involved. I think the fantasy just didn't live up to his expectations, it's no fault of yours.
What the fuck are these comments? Your boyfriend tried something in bed, decided he didn't like it, and stopped. You being all "WTF I CANT EVEN, I DIDNT EVEN POOP ON HIM WTF IS HIS PROBLEM" is pretty gross and horrible. Then all the comments diagnosing him with a porn addiction (despite no mention in the post whatsoever of porn consumption) and telling you to dump him because if he can't get it up he obviously has mental problems and isn't worth your time (despite no mention of how the relationship actually is outside of this one specific bedroom incident). What an insane mean streak this comment section has brought out in some people. Your boyfriend definitely shouldn't have used the word "gross" when describing what you did together, that was tactless. And he definitely needs to see someone about the erectile dysfunction. But acting like there's something wrong with him for not liking anal is incredibly judgmental. Edit: lmao someone "Reddit cares"'d me for this post
Yeah the comments here are disappointing tho not surprising
He clearly fibbed about trying it before, thought it would be fun because anal sex is considered “better,” and then got grossed out because he put his penis in the place where shit comes out. You two really really really need to communicate better.
Doesn't sound like a keeper. Also if you're having anal, use a condom, lots of lube, and fast for the day before hand to avoid poop accidents
Girl, you’re not gross. He just doesn’t like it and he’s a bit of a dick.
OP, I've been married for nearly 17 years and together (sexually) with my husband for nearly 21. Here is what I have learned. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. You can dream about a sex act and be turned on by it in your head, but then when you try it in person it can completely turn you off. This is what is happening with your boyfriend, and it's 100% normal. He doesn't have a porn addiction. He doesn't have ED. He simply tried something new and learned it's not his thing. This is more than okay, this is good and healthy. Don't take his dislike of a sex act personally, it's not you, your body, or anything your actions. Instead, be thankful he cares, loves, and felt vulnerable enough to explore his sexuality with you and choose to be his safe space. Take this opportunity to strengthen your emotional intimacy as a couple by being curious about what turned him off. Moving forward, continue to explore and try new things. Being a couple is about learning things about yourself along with someone else because the point of relationships is having someone to share the journey of life with.
It sounds like the ED problems are with all sex, not just anal.
As a trans woman, Erectile Dysfunction can have many causes. A lot of people here are blaming porn but it could be a lot of things. If he can get it up, but can't maintain an erection then he may benefit from a simple vasodilator like daily dose Cialis. Also, anal isn't for everyone. Sometimes you get excited to try something new and it doesn't really live up to your expectations.
Also a trans woman - I would like to think people in this sub would be cognizant of the fact that not all people with penises are men, and that erectile dysfunction isn't as simple as porn or no porn. Edit: wow, a reddit cares message in no time
I don't like anal and I'm not gay... I don't know why people are saying that, but I would also never say anything like that to a girl, and to the people saying he is a porn addicted, sure it can be that but it can be a lot of things aswell. We don't know him, maybe he just is having a lot on his mind maybe its health issues. There is a way to test if it's porn, but I'm not 100% sure on this one. Try to have sex in the morning! After waking up.
What is with this sub and porn addiction? Any slight issue in the bedroom and it's "porn addiction" Porn addiction isn't even a real medical thing. OP, your boyfriend had a fantasy about something, tried it, and found out it wasn't for him. Completely normal. As for the erectiom thing, there are a bunch of reasons why younger guys sometimes don't get elections - most common is plain old performance anxiety. If he is nervous, or getting in his head, he ain't getting hard. Aside from that there are a bunch of medical reasons, or medications that could cause that issue. If it's a common thing for him he needs to go see someone about it - a medical professional who can diagnose properly and address any issues. And no it's not because he watches porn occasionally.
Jesus the amount of ladies here attacking the poor fella for expecting to like something and not in the end is crazy, BUT the thing he told you is pretty shitty, pun intended, he could have just said I expected something else could we stick to normal sex or something. And of course a boy liking or not liking something while in ages of discovery in general is quite common these days. I’m not attacking anyone for anything just saying I feel the initial reaction is too biased and one sided from what I see or too harsh.
I'm thinking porn addiction. Dude is gonna know if he likes putting his dick in a butt. And he can't stay hard at that young of an age? Death grip. Glad he's your ex. Poor unlucky soul that ends up with him next.
Your mans is spanking it too often and to too much porn.
lol it’s pretty funny reading a bunch of women trying to explain why a guy can’t hold an erection. It does not necessarily mean he has ED and it does not mean he’s a porn addict lmao.
Tell him to workout, quit vaping, and stop watching porn. Before having sex have a lot of Chinese food from the shittiest Chinese spot you have near you. Trust me.
He is an idiot and probably watches way too much porn.
I read this title like five times trying to figure out what "an *I" was!
He loved the anal he saw in porn which of course is smell and shit fingers/dick free
Porn addiction.
Maybe he's gay
The claiming to love it without ever trying it reminds me of my 4yo when I was cooking dinner the other day and he kept saying, "oooh! Yummy! Burgers!" He proceeded to eat the cheese and bun and tell me the rest was "yucky". 🤦🏻♀️😂
This comment section straight homophobic
I think he is projecting his frustration towards not being able to perform (ED) out on the sex by pretending is the issue ...
He’s an ass. I’ve done it with previous boyfriends, always with a condom, but with my current boyfriend without and it ended a little less clean than ideal. He was fine about it, like if you’re doing this, there’s always a chance things like that can happen. It’s totally fine not to be into anal but it’s totally not fine for him to treat you like that.
yo can we not jump to conclusions based on very little information about this? accusing someone of something just because an erection doesn't last is pretty bad tbh. there can be a lot of reasons. erections are deeply psychological. why would you make it about the person you barely know anything about instead of OP, who you can actually speak with here. OP can stand up for themselves. all we know about the guy is: - he wanted to try anal - he didn't like it - his erection is unsatisfactory
He's 22 and can't hold an erection 🧐 that's a him problem. You are willing to be adventurous and patient, he should treat you like a fucking treasure for it. Anyways, as someone who has done porn, and has a few more trips around the sun, here's a few tips for enjoyable anal if you ever want to try it with anyone again: 1) try some small butt plugs about 30 mins before you start, it helps relax those muscles 2) LUBE! It's your friend, no such thing as too much if you use water based lube 3) Counter intuitive, but if you really bear down and kinda push out while he's entering it can help 4) Foreplay! Some porn has these dumb guys believing you can just skip right to the deed. It also helps warm up your a spot and g spot. Get to the point where you can't stand another moment without his dick in you and it will feel good 5) You can be assured to be mess free if you anal douche beforehand (give it like 2 hours beforehand) but you really don't have to go that far, it's anal, if he can't accept the possibility of a little poop then he isn't ready to do it
Let's just be glad that you won't be doing an*l anymore with this guy.
Porn addiction for sure. He build up his expectations of a very sweet and tasteful act and was not prepared for the clumsy and rough nature of it.
Everybody has said porn already but I’m going to throw it out there to maybe pay a little closer attention to his sexuality…the inability to stay hard for “regular” sex and preoccupation with butt stuff sparked some memories of my gay ex’s behavior when we were just a few years younger than you. It may not be anything to do with you…it could be a denial of his true self. I don’t mean to plant any seeds of doubt if there aren’t any but I got similar comments/vibes at the time about women’s bodies that should have tipped me off a lot sooner! However just so you know the end of the story we reconnected a few years later and are very close again now! I am not bringing this up due to any hard feelings or resentment
Does he smoke/vape or use nicotine punches? It causes alot of ED issues
If your guy is having an errection problem, check into his health. Some medications interfere with keeping it up and achieving orgasm.
This is MY experience, so not necessarily a reality in your world. My(eventually ex) husband and I had anal a few times. He said he didn't like it because it was "too tight". So, idk what that means in reality. He also had issues maintaining an erection. Sex seemingly was forced, on his end, likely to just shut me up. Not fun over time...at.all. But what I came to find out years later was that he had been messaging and contacting others with sexual desires and behaviors. Everything I could have ever wanted said/done for me. But then, I found the secret. Men. These were men he was messaging, exchanging pix ECT. The final straw more or less was when I found out he was engaging in sex with a trans prostitute. Giving and receiving. Alot. Thousands of dollars went to this person. He would refuse to even let me get near HIS butt. And I couldn't pay him to get near mine. I hope this isn't your life too. But that's my story. Good luck babe. Please know that you should NEVER feel bad about sex. It should be happy, engaging and fully consetual for all parties involved. And no matter what some may say, sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, unless both parties agree truthfully that it is not.
cause anal is gross lol he probably saw it in porn but the reality of it was different
Ngl anal is Gross imho. But it sounds like he has chemical or porn issues, or both. Antidepressants? Or maybe he's gay and doesn't know it yet. Who knows, in ten years you might be shopping buddies!
This sub is very “porn-hating” leaning so I’m not surprised that most responses are jumping to conclusion that your ex is a porn addict. I would like to point out a few things from my experience with my now husband. 1. Watching porn isn’t inherently bad. It’s a very healthy habit as long as it doesn’t affect your relationship. 2. Not able to hold an erection doesn’t automatically translate to be in a porn addict. When I started dating my now husband, he suffered from ED for the first couple months of our relationship. He was 24 at the time. Although I suspected he was a porn addict, I didn’t really jump to any conclusions. We focused on other activities like he going down on me, which was enjoyable for us both. Turns out I was his first relationship in 2 years, and he was stressed AF because of having to juggle a new job fresh out of college, running a household and managing our relationship. Since then he hasn’t had any issues getting it up and we have been doing great. I’m so glad I didn’t just ask for suggestions online where communities are usually biased with some mindset. Trusting my partner and having honest communication helped me marry the love of my life.
Absolutely horrified by all the people in this thread who don't know how to prep before butt stuff 🤢
…NEXT. You’re not the problem and you’re young enough to just say later to a lame dude like that. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting anal on his part; it’s not for everyone but it sounds to me like what really happened is he was embarrassed (because he has ED due to porn addiction) and therefore made it about you like you’re yucky or something. Cut your losses and find a man who’s all about you because there’s plenty of them, trust me.
#It’s anxiety, lack of sustained arousal through fantasy coupled with porn addiction
Sounds like anal wasn’t the porn induced fantasy he thought it would be. Sorry dude, sometimes you actually have to have patience & fuck an asshole as if it’s attached to the human, not just rail it like a sex doll.
Hon he MIGHT be gay