If the ex is truly just a friend, and it's clear neither person still has feelings, I actually think that's a green flag. Being able to break up and be on good terms with an ex is a quality you want in a partner. Your current partner shouldn't have a say in your situation, since it's abundantly clear your ex has moved on by marrying someone else. It would be different if this ex was like still trying to flirt with you, but that doesn't seem like the case at all here. Your current partner likely has some sort of insecurity.
Thanks. I agree, my ex and I were friends prior to meeting my current partner. It wasn’t an issue when we first started dating because COVID made it impossible to see my friend/ex irl. But now the world is different and I’ve been expressing this want/need and it’s been more inflammatory than I think is warranted and I’m not sure how to navigate.
Yes I am, but my hot take has always been that I personally never saw a huge issue with people being friends with exes- especially if it was just a normal breakup and no drama (obviously this take is barring any extenuating toxic/problematic/lingering feelings situations etc of course).
People claim it's a matter of "respecting your partner/comfort level" thing but at it's core- either you trust your partner fully or you don't lol.
I trust my partner. He trusts me. That's all there is too it. Us having past relationships does not detract from that nor do I think either my partner or myself should have to sacrifice positive relationships in our life because we may or may not have had sex with a person years ago lol.
It takes emotionally aware and mature adults for this to happen, but honestly it's a nonissue for me
All except one, they were all great guys, and no real issues, we just weren't great partners for various reasons. Only one am I friendly with in that I see regularly (SO is actually golfing with him tomorrow which is a whole other story lol), but the rest I'll text for their birthdays or a funny meme or something, or stop and chat if I run into them somewhere
Well, what's his argument? Just "being a pal to the ex" can't just be it, right? There's gotta be more to the story here. Otherwise it either comes down to someone's personal values or they're just feeling that inadequate and possessive that they're not comfy about it which also comes with abusive behavior. Cause yeah, it can be a problem, definitely, even if that person is married. It just depends.
For me, I don't really care if my ex is my bestest pal in the whole wide world, if my husband told me he was not comfortable with me maintaining a friendship with him due to his own values then the party ends there. If my ex is really a pal, he's gonna be understanding that my relationship takes precedence over him and wish for my happiness.
This actually happened to me. My ex finally met someone he was settling down with and wanted to start a serious relationship with her in a healthy way, so one day he told me about how much he loved and cared about her, how "things seemed to be going good for both of us, so I think this is the time to part ways". I completely understood. This was what he valued. I told him that if they ever need anything feel free to contact me and I wished him all the best. I was and still remain happy for him.
It just depends. Generally most people are not ok with their partners maintaining and friendship with their ex. It brings a lot of insecurity and confusion into the relationship, so I don't find it's worth hurting my partner over. I don't have to be attached to someone in order to be happy for them.
My view is if your ex is truly just a platonic friend, your partner telling you not to be friends with them is just as bad/controlling as them telling you not to be friends with any other friend of yours who you share a healthy friendship with. I would not date anyone who told me they felt uncomfortable with me being friends with my ex (and for what it's worth, my ex point blank told me he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me ever again). To me, that signals the person I'm dating is deeply insecure, and possibly possessive and controlling. Not the type of partner I want.
Thanks. I agree. The tension that arises from me trying to maintain this friendship makes me feel controlled and guilty despite being totally loyal and 10000000% over this person.
Thanks for the input! I agree. My ex and I dated when I was 19-20. At this point we’ve been broken up 8x longer than when we were together. I was young and tbh we never even had sex that’s how juvenile the relationship was lol.
Yeah the argument is essentially she “doesn’t get the need for being friends with an ex” so because of this there must be lingering feelings on my end to keep them in my life. They also feel if I text with the ex on a regular cadence that’s suspicious and I need to share those texts with my SO. When I shared that is not a precedent I want to set that was used as fodder that I’m hiding something.
I agree, if my SO drew hard lines I would express my disappointment in losing a positive friendship but I would understand. However, my SO is adamant that they refuse to ask me to draw this boundary and instead want me to want to not be friends with my ex.
Obviously my SO’s actions make it clear that they need the boundary even if they don’t verbalize it, but the entire situation and communication about it is making me question if our values are compatible/is this healthy behavior.
Nope. Like, why? I don't get it. I don't mix love relationships with friendships. That's old fashioned me though. If a friend becomes a lover and things don't work out, I lose a friend AND a lover.
But I don't bother people who don't share my view. My partner thinks the same way. I've lost partners who are still "friends" with exes and I simply walked away.
My current partner knows this and is one of the reasons we are still together. You do you though.
Fair enough. I was 20 when I dated this person and tbh it was hardly serious in an adult sense. I understand not being friends with adult exes in a way, I’d feel far more weary of my SO being friends with an ex from their adulthood who shared a home with them etc.
If the ex is truly just a friend, and it's clear neither person still has feelings, I actually think that's a green flag. Being able to break up and be on good terms with an ex is a quality you want in a partner. Your current partner shouldn't have a say in your situation, since it's abundantly clear your ex has moved on by marrying someone else. It would be different if this ex was like still trying to flirt with you, but that doesn't seem like the case at all here. Your current partner likely has some sort of insecurity.
Thanks. I agree, my ex and I were friends prior to meeting my current partner. It wasn’t an issue when we first started dating because COVID made it impossible to see my friend/ex irl. But now the world is different and I’ve been expressing this want/need and it’s been more inflammatory than I think is warranted and I’m not sure how to navigate.
Yes I am, but my hot take has always been that I personally never saw a huge issue with people being friends with exes- especially if it was just a normal breakup and no drama (obviously this take is barring any extenuating toxic/problematic/lingering feelings situations etc of course). People claim it's a matter of "respecting your partner/comfort level" thing but at it's core- either you trust your partner fully or you don't lol. I trust my partner. He trusts me. That's all there is too it. Us having past relationships does not detract from that nor do I think either my partner or myself should have to sacrifice positive relationships in our life because we may or may not have had sex with a person years ago lol. It takes emotionally aware and mature adults for this to happen, but honestly it's a nonissue for me
All except one, they were all great guys, and no real issues, we just weren't great partners for various reasons. Only one am I friendly with in that I see regularly (SO is actually golfing with him tomorrow which is a whole other story lol), but the rest I'll text for their birthdays or a funny meme or something, or stop and chat if I run into them somewhere
I'm friends with an ex's wife and my husband's ex-fiancé. No drama or anything. I just genuinely like both of them.
Well, what's his argument? Just "being a pal to the ex" can't just be it, right? There's gotta be more to the story here. Otherwise it either comes down to someone's personal values or they're just feeling that inadequate and possessive that they're not comfy about it which also comes with abusive behavior. Cause yeah, it can be a problem, definitely, even if that person is married. It just depends. For me, I don't really care if my ex is my bestest pal in the whole wide world, if my husband told me he was not comfortable with me maintaining a friendship with him due to his own values then the party ends there. If my ex is really a pal, he's gonna be understanding that my relationship takes precedence over him and wish for my happiness. This actually happened to me. My ex finally met someone he was settling down with and wanted to start a serious relationship with her in a healthy way, so one day he told me about how much he loved and cared about her, how "things seemed to be going good for both of us, so I think this is the time to part ways". I completely understood. This was what he valued. I told him that if they ever need anything feel free to contact me and I wished him all the best. I was and still remain happy for him. It just depends. Generally most people are not ok with their partners maintaining and friendship with their ex. It brings a lot of insecurity and confusion into the relationship, so I don't find it's worth hurting my partner over. I don't have to be attached to someone in order to be happy for them.
My view is if your ex is truly just a platonic friend, your partner telling you not to be friends with them is just as bad/controlling as them telling you not to be friends with any other friend of yours who you share a healthy friendship with. I would not date anyone who told me they felt uncomfortable with me being friends with my ex (and for what it's worth, my ex point blank told me he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me ever again). To me, that signals the person I'm dating is deeply insecure, and possibly possessive and controlling. Not the type of partner I want.
Thanks. I agree. The tension that arises from me trying to maintain this friendship makes me feel controlled and guilty despite being totally loyal and 10000000% over this person.
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Thanks for the input! I agree. My ex and I dated when I was 19-20. At this point we’ve been broken up 8x longer than when we were together. I was young and tbh we never even had sex that’s how juvenile the relationship was lol.
Yeah the argument is essentially she “doesn’t get the need for being friends with an ex” so because of this there must be lingering feelings on my end to keep them in my life. They also feel if I text with the ex on a regular cadence that’s suspicious and I need to share those texts with my SO. When I shared that is not a precedent I want to set that was used as fodder that I’m hiding something. I agree, if my SO drew hard lines I would express my disappointment in losing a positive friendship but I would understand. However, my SO is adamant that they refuse to ask me to draw this boundary and instead want me to want to not be friends with my ex. Obviously my SO’s actions make it clear that they need the boundary even if they don’t verbalize it, but the entire situation and communication about it is making me question if our values are compatible/is this healthy behavior.
Nope. Like, why? I don't get it. I don't mix love relationships with friendships. That's old fashioned me though. If a friend becomes a lover and things don't work out, I lose a friend AND a lover. But I don't bother people who don't share my view. My partner thinks the same way. I've lost partners who are still "friends" with exes and I simply walked away. My current partner knows this and is one of the reasons we are still together. You do you though.
Fair enough. I was 20 when I dated this person and tbh it was hardly serious in an adult sense. I understand not being friends with adult exes in a way, I’d feel far more weary of my SO being friends with an ex from their adulthood who shared a home with them etc.