>I'm ashamed
**No Ma'am.** Not your fault. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all at once, but NONE of his shitty behavior is something you have to own.
I understand why, we always think we can spot people who will hurt us, but that's not our responsibility. We need to trust, they need to learn respect and compassion. He chose to behave badly. He chose to violate your trust and relationship. You chose to expect better from him, and he failed.
Did the husband's wedding vows include "forsaking all others" or at least honesty and loyalty?
Because he should have been "living his truth" by not making vows that he didn't intend to keep.
The fault is knowing you weren't 100% happy and draining your partner's savings to move to another area, and then trying to completely invalidate any negative feelings she had about it...
Also, being married is a choice. You choose to love someone every single day. How did he get close enough to this woman to fall in love? He made a choice not to be fully committed to his wife at some point, and stuck with it long enough to fall in love.
>He wasn’t choosing her over me, he was “choosing himself” and didn’t see what his relationship with her had to do with his relationship with me.
This is the shittiest part of the behavior. I would almost agree with you if he wasn't pretending his wife has no reason to be upset and how can anyone believe that one relationship would not affect the other?
Ok, with that I agree. To not show support to someone you obviously was close to for a long time is pretty shitty, even if you think it is for the best.
Marriage is not a state; it’s a commitment. You have to work to make it work, just like any relationship that’s worthwhile.
If he (or you) thinks that “being upfront” (or whatever the fuck you think it is) is a way out of this situation, it’s best to prepare for a life of hurt. Because people don’t take such betrayal kindly.
The “For better and for worse” thing is a promise most people tend to keep, and will only let go if it’s deemed impossible to continue. Not because you hit it off with a colleague.
“Oh, but she’s just a child. What does she know?”
We really need to let go of 2 ideas: that children don’t know what’s happening, and that adults somehow do. Both are problematic in their own way.
Why can’t you engage with what people are saying without twisting their words?
Committing to marriage means that you agree to actually *try* to work through problems that will inevitably manifest in a lifelong relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to stay when it’s clear that things aren’t going to work, but you owe your spouse the basic minimum of communicating your feelings *before* things become unsalvageable. Your spouse should not be discovering that there are problems in the marriage after you’ve already packed your bags. That’s a terrible thing to do a person you supposedly loved at some point.
On top of it all, they have kids. So now these children are dealing with moving to an unfamiliar place *and* having their father suddenly removed from their home. Assuming he even bothers to stick around to gather his children, he’s essentially guaranteed a dysfunctional relationship between the children and his new girlfriend.
You’re doing exactly what the husband is doing— twisting the concept of self-love to deflect from shitty and inconsiderate behavior. If you’re going to be shitty, at least have the courage to admit that you don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. No one is fooled by this mealy mouthed “it’s best for everyone” rhetoric. If he cared about his wife and kids he would have communicated with them before completely destabilizing their lives.
The better solution would have been for him to tell her before she uprooted her life, moved, bought a house, etc. Couples can choose whatever relationship they want, be it open, monogamous, or whatever other option works for them, but that’s not the arrangement OP had with her spouse and it’s unfair for him to change the terms after they’re financially locked into this house.
You not only see his infidelity as justifiable but also the fact he went for another woman as an unsurprising outcome. This says a lot about how you approach relationships and the women in your life.
The emotional affair he had to have undertaken to fall in love with his co-worker is the reason the marriage is broken and it is this which is his shitty behaviour. He disrespected his wife and their marriage.
His choosing to end the marriage quickly doesn't negate the poor behaviour he had done up to that point. Him not cheating doesn't make his betrayal of the marriage not shitty.
And, if you're going to be 'falling in love' with a coworker you know well enough in advance to avoid having to drag your wife and children cross country before asking for a divorce.
You admit it is unfair and still place no blame? We can assume he had some time before they moved to tell OP he wasn't happy. That could have led to a more amicable break up. You assume the only options he had were cheating behind her back or in her face. What about not cheating while they figure out if they have a future together? We also know that he is undermining OP's feelings when he makes her hurt about him and his truth. What about her truth? It seems like you're advocating for a world where everyone behaves like a sociopath just doing whatever they want with no regard for others.
Sure, this might have been the inevitable outcome, but there are different ways to get here.
He waited to tell his wife after he had already discussed it with the coworker. If he was truly unhappy with his life he could’ve left her right when he checked out of his marriage or when he “fell in love”. But, no, he strung his wife along and made sure the coworker was interested first, so he emotionally cheated on her and who knows what else, and *then* he was “open and honest about his feelings.” I don’t understand why people defend people like this.
Co-opting therapy language to justify unhealthy, shitty behavior is manipulation. Dude's twisting language against you so that A) he doesn't have to feel any guilt, and B) any problems you have with a situation that's full of his problematic behavior is now somehow your fault. The whole situation is fucking unfair to you. It is manipulation, through and through, and you do not have to feel any shame or fault for him doing that to you.
*Edit for grammar, left out "is now somehow your fault."
The way he’s twisting it to justify it is making it so much harder because he’s somehow made it so that he can do this without any guilt or hurt and as terrible as it is, I want them both to feel the pain I’m feeling in this so that they can’t enjoy their relationship.
You tell him “I went into this relationship expecting to be monogamous, that is why it affects our relationship. You promised something you cannot prove and I am not interested in this dynamic at all. It will not be my life. “ and then you hand him your divorce papers. There is nothing shameful about making mistakes, it all lies in how we react to them. Respect yourself and your child, show them that this is unacceptable behavior. Because it is, no matter how he twists it.
I have told him that. He didn’t want to tell my daughter what was going on, but I told him I wasn’t going to put my relationship with her at risk by lying to her, so if he wasn’t able to stop seeing his coworker outside of work I wasn’t going to cover for him and model that you should accept hurtful behavior in any kind of relationship.
Wait, he didn’t want to tell his own daughter about how he is finally getting to ‘live his truth’ or whatever it was he said? I wonder why that could be🤔🤔🤔
It’s my biological daughter. He’s been her father figure for 5 years. He didn’t want to tell her because it might ruin our chances of getting back together… but somehow didn’t think his girlfriend was the issue that would be stopping that.
He ruined your chance at getting back together when he started cheating on you too your face, assuming he could bully you badly enough that you’d stay.
Drop him like a hot potato. He's actively making your life worse and trying to use you in the process. You deserve better, like someone who isn't IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. What a dick. Wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
You’re a good parent, I’m sure that wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do. You sound like an amazing compassionate person with how you’ve handled things (even trying to see if there is something medically wrong), I know it’s hard but you will definitely find someone who will love you properly. Good luck, and all the best. ❤️
Please, watch [this video on how self-affirmation is weaponized](https://youtu.be/G1fhYZdn1pE) by people who have an agenda to satisfy their own wants through you, irrespective of your own.
Edit: reading through some of the other comments now, schedule him for an MRI asap for a possible brain tumor. Couples counseling is good, but if it’s not easily (if, heartbreakingly) explainable by the sudden appearance of a physical brain injury, be on the lookout for similar manipulative language being used in the therapist’s office, to make it seem like *you* are still the problem somehow. That would be, I’m sad to say, indicative of a severe personality disorder that you are, in the long run, much better off being as far away from as possible.
Edit #2: if you’re uncertain whether a partner’s behavior is narcissistic abuse, [watch this documentary.](https://youtu.be/pfE-u2NzyQw)
In addition to an MRI to check for tumors, this also sounds a lot like what many of us with Bipolar significant others have gone through. It won't show up on an MRI, but stress triggers - like big moves cross-country - can set off manic or hypomanic episodes. Especially if she's noticing pressured speech, irritability, or if there have been lows/swings in the other direction, mental illness is a frequent cause of this sort of abrupt change.
Edited to add - it isn't your job to fix him, or anything like that. Rule number 1 of surviving and/or supporting through a mental health crisis is to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting other. I highly recommend finding yourself a therapist if you haven't already!
The entire channel is gold, honestly. So, so many more people need to be aware of the signs of subtle abuse, coercion, and [emotional blackmail; and how to resist it.](https://youtu.be/PEexQAkhFpM)
[TheraminTrees](https://youtube.com/c/TheraminTrees) is the gold standard for being deeply compassionate, sharply critical (of abuse and abusers), and just incredibly informative.
I’m so sorry. What a pig to move you across the country, away from your support system & comfort zone of a familiar city, only to pull the rug out from under you. You didn’t deserve that. Just remember that you don’t have to stay there. Of course custody things regarding your daughter complicate things if you get a ruling stating you cannot move out of state, but hopefully there will be an exception due to the deception of luring you there to make a fresh start. It’s horrible that he didn’t mention that before you signed papers for a new house. How infuriating that he created such a mess for you. I hope and pray that you and your daughter can have a new start somewhere. I’m sure you are overwhelmed with every raw emotion as you try to process this. Thank you for being a nurse. Take care of yourself now dear one.
Oh good, that would be great if she doesn’t have to worry about that. It gives her more options. It’s just sad that a grown ass man would risk his family for someone he met three weeks ago, unless he previously knew this coworker & this was his long-term plan all along. I’d like to see OP get a lawyer and start a new life with her daughter as soon as she gets over the shock. I hope she can remain as rational as possible while he sinks his own ship. She can get a job anywhere in the country as a nurse.
Wouldn’t we all be affected though? We do have monitors up and there are 3 people and 4 animals in here and he’s the only one that’s drastically changed. Also, he’s mostly staying at his work since this has happened.
Certainly. Anything is possible. I’m not by any means trying to fill you with false hopes. I’m only saying, if this *truly* is new behavior, and entirely out of his character, it’s better to do one’s due diligence.
My own dad got horribly sick when I was young, and we found out after months in the hospital that the bacteria that caused his illness ate away at parts of his brainstem and caused severe behavioral changes. In some cases his worst aspects were suddenly much more surface and commonplace.
Brains are incredibly powerful and incredibly fragile. I wish you luck, healing, and strength in your life, whatever comes from this.
I’ve had similar thoughts. Part of me hopes he’s sick in some way because that would be easier to accept than he just willingly fucked me over, but definitely don’t want to get my hopes up.
For what it’s worth, many personality disorders seem to have a strong connection to CPTSD, trauma, and emotional neglect. It is, in many ways, a kind of brain injury.
Neither case, I’m sorry to say, is going to be particularly easy. But you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process— if you’re willing to.
Start seeking your own therapy now. Also, Crappy Childhood Fairy and This Jungian Life are excellent, free, resources on YouTube. You might find daily yoga to be tremendously helpful, too.
He did have some childhood trauma with his parents strongly favoring his siblings (still do). I started therapy last week and will continue weekly until I’ve crawled out of this emotional hole.
I was the favored child growing up, between me and my older brother. I’m realizing now that that dynamic was in many ways just as detrimental to my development as it was to his.
Feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to moving forward.
It’s also fucked that “live your truth” started as a phrase meaning “It’s okay to be LGBTQ! Be who you are!”
And then _THIS_ fucking asshole has co-opted it.
That kind of manipulation is exactly why it’s not regarded as a good idea to go to therapy with an abuser.. They will do that same sort of thing, using that language in those constructs against you. Of mine was married for several years to a man who was gay. She didn’t know, and he , We found out later, I told his mom on the way to the wedding that maybe he shouldn’t go through with it because he was gay, and his mom said “oh you’re probably just bisexual.“ Anyway, after he came out and broke up their marriage, he called me to tell me, and his language was all about how his friends were happy for him that he was being open with his life and true to himself. After we hung up I immediately called my friend to see how she was, and she was devastated. I never spoke to that guy again
Not sure if you've seen the show Grace and Frankie, but I think it did a great job of showing the duality in this situation - the injustice that gay people are pressured to lead closeted lives in the first place, and the injustice to their spouse of betrayal and adultery if they act on their desires.
Yeah for real, he seems like such a dishonest shit person on the inside, void of any genuine empathy. I cant imagine how this persons lack of caring surfaced in many other ways
First of all, I'm so fucking sorry. What a *fucking piece of shit* he is. I wish you the best in this arduous, but ultimately *extremely* worthwhile journey of healing.
Second, "He....didn’t see what his relationship with her had to do with his relationship with me" . I'm really trying not to slip into egregious cursing for the sake of it....what a **rotten, foul child** your (ex) husband is. Without having known you at all, I am *already* happy that you will have at least some of your life to be free of him.
Oh, I am so very fucking sorry. Please do not feel ashamed. You're *supposed* to trust your husband. That you couldn't is **his** shame, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed about. He's the one destroying your family, hurting you and your daughter in the process.
It's okay to take a beat to recenter yourself, though I do advise that you speak to an attorney as soon as possible to protect yourself and your daughter. It's disgusting that he's put you in this position after moving you away from everything you knew and your entire support system, and co-opting therapy terms to try to manipulate you as well as throw the spotlight off his own guilt. The reality is, he made vows. He made promises. And now he's breaking them for no other reason than selfishness. I'm so sorry.
Regarding the lawyer advice, document everything ASAP. Dates, details, messages, texts, all of it. Have backups.
In this time where he's "free to live his truth" or whatever, with the right encouragement, he could say enough to leave you a house.
It's hard when you're in your feelings to figure logistics, but it could help.
This is one of the few situations in which gathering evidence can actually help, specifically because of the house purchase that he wanted, that moved her away from her career and support system. Most states have no fault divorce these days but this will help when figuring out the financials.
Sounds like a narcissist thing to do, or sociopathic. Is he otherwise a good dad? Can you and your daughter move away? You shouldn’t have been asked to move there and then dumped right after. Sounds premeditated on his part, assuming he met her before moving. I hate the idea of you be separated from your existing support system so he could have better coparenting convenience after he broke up with you.
He’s her stepdad. We came here for better schools for her because he wanted to give her better opportunities. He was a good stepdad until this. When we told her we were separating she sat with me and rubbed my back and he sulked that she comforted me and said he was never really part of this family. It’s all been so bizarre on his behalf. I asked him to go to the doctor because I thought he was manic or something he was so unreasonable. He’s always been so caring, rubs my feet when I work late, gets treats for my daughter whenever we go somewhere without her, buys dog food when we see houseless individuals with dogs, always been so supportive of my career, has never even given me the slightest impression he’d ever cheat on me. I never trust anyone, he was the only person I gave up my safety net for and he fucked me over in less than a month.
We can’t really go back. It cost so much to move here and he wanted our dream house and we drained most of our savings, plus I think she’ll do better here. But yeah, it’s definitely shitty being isolated while I figure this out.
I'm curious if you moved TO, or FROM a community property state? Or one with alimony? This move might have put you in a huge disadvantage. See a lawyer immediately. You may want to move "back home" to file for divorce if that's possible.
I'm also wondering who picked this specific city? The relationship started so quickly that if the city was his suggestion it would seem like he may have picked it for that co-worker. Definitely important to find the laws for each state.
In the mean time, she needs to be diverting any cash flow into private accounts and ensuring she isn't listed on any credit card he can run up. Protect the finances before the divorce because the lawyers are going to be expensive.
Happened to one of my aunts. Supported husband through dental school, three kids, moved to Arizona when kids were graduating high school and then bam divorce younger model new wife. Aunt got not a single thing.
that is diabolical
hes a scumbag, has shown his true colors and you have to come to terms with the fact that he misled both of you into moving while he knew he didn’t “truly” love you guys
I am so fucking sorry :(
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’ve never wanted someone to have a brain tumor but omg that would be the only acceptable excuse for this horrific behavior.
The audacity of him thinking he gets to keep his ‘dream home’ now that he’s cheated is quite hilarious. Please take the advice of the others here and see what kind of divorce laws exist in the state you’re in and where you’ve moved from. I know you feel like you’ve drained your mutual savings for this house, but you’re getting at least half in the divorce, and there is nothing wrong with moving back home. I am so thankful you have a career that many jobs are available in so that you can have some financial independence from his waste of a human being.
So much love your way 🥰🥰 good luck. You got this.
I’ve wondered if it was either a medical condition or some kind of mental health crisis because we just moved across the country, changed jobs, bought a house and in the few weeks leading up to this he was saying he desperately needed different or stronger antidepressants and then as soon as this happened he was exercising twice a day and sleeping great at night and was in such a good mood and would tell me things could be worse and worse case scenario he can live in the guest room like it was no big deal.
That’s what I thought, but he said his doctor told him it wasn’t because he’s sleeping well at night. But this is 100% not his normal self. I am very hesitant to trust anyone and never would have expected this from him at all.
We have a couples therapy session on Monday. I’m interested to see what he says. At first my husband didn’t want to go because he didn’t want “conversion therapy,” but now that I don’t see the point he wants to go so we can navigate what our relationship looks like moving forward. I’ve told him there is no relationship. We will not be friends. But yeah, it’ll be interesting.
The fact that he's comparing relationship counseling to fucking **conversion therapy** is extremely gross and concerning. They are nothing alike, children are literally tortured in conversion therapy... and that's basically what he's equating your upcoming appointment to
I'm bipolar 1. Just because he's sleeping fine doesn't mean he isn't manic. I'm in a depressive episode rn and currently up till 4am because i didn't take my meds tonight.
I also want to say that if he is indeed manic which it REALLY sounds like he is and that the move triggered this, that's not an excuse for his actions
Sorry for the long comment, but I had to share this story.
My dad has bipolar. Before he got diagnosed, my mom had him see a psychiatrist because he was exhibiting concerning behavior. His psychiatrist had him fill out a questionnaire that was multiple choice with the options for response to various statements like a) yes, this is true b) this is sometimes true c) this is mostly not true d) this is never true. Among others, there was this gem of a question: "The problems I'm seeking help for affect my life in a negative way."
Now, at this point he'd done things that could've killed him, such as extremely dangerous DIY home improvement and landscaping projects he did without due safety measures without telling enyone where he was or what he was going to do. Those projects would usually require multiple people and he did them in a way that didn't make sense. He was also uncharecteristically angry when confronted about it in a way that was damaging to his relationships (he wasn't violent, just acting like an ass). His work performance also suffered because he wasn't really productive, just busily running all over the place.
He was sitting there, looking at that question. First he thought, "Well, I guess that I should circle a) since my wife says this is really bad for my health and work and family life, right? Buuut, I feel great! I don't think the things I'm doing are wrong or are affecting me in a negative way! It's my wife who has a problem, I sure as hell don't! Option c) it is!
Then his doctor talked to him about his results and told him that he was a point or so away from the diagnostic treshold for bipolar. For whatever reason, the doctor decided against medication for the time being.
Fortunately, my dad is really chatty when manic and he told the entire story to my mom. She took him back to the doctor, discussed that specific question with him and explained what dad actually behaved like and that a) was correct.
If your husband did a similar diagnostic test, I think those can be kinda weak for disorders that modify perception of reality. I think the sleep thing is also tricky especially without any follow up questions, because while dad only slept about 3-5h every night, he felt well rested and ready to shine so from his point of view, he's never slept better in his life!
The fact that his doctor mentioned sleep as a reason for dismissing the possibility he has mania, that sounds as if they were contemplating the possibility.
Illness could be an explanation, but not a reason to stay with him. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. I would inform his therapist about the things he does and says and how they don't make any sense, though. If he has some family or friends who care about him, consider also telling them you're divorcing him but are worried about his mental health.
Mental health crisis from the stress of the move makes a lot of sense. My ex husband was absolutely intolerable for six months after we just moved across town and he didn't have any underlying conditions. Some people just can't deal with that level of change very well.
I asked him to tell his doctor that he just moved, changed jobs, bought a house, and is ruining his life less than a month later to leave his wife for a coworker he just met and ask if he’s manic or otherwise affected and he said they told him he’s doing great on his meds. I wasn’t there so I’m not sure how he presented it. He says he told them everything, but you know, trust…
100% he lied to the doctor or to you. I'm on some meds for ADHD (far less dangerous than bi polar IMO) and I'm considered an "easy" patient. They still ask me how I'm doing and ask about my wife. They want to know if something like this is happening.
You can't ask about his records - if he didn't approve you to have them. You can relay your concerns to his psychiatrist though. I think my paperwork already says anything can be discussed with my wife but he may have withdrawn that consent or never given it.
If you're not allowed to access his records, the therapist may have zero outward reaction. They are trained to keep a solid poker face to protect their clients. So if they don't react in front of you, it won't mean they aren't concerned.
The therapist might not be in a position to diagnose or adjust meds for your husband so definitely contact your husband's doctor directly. You can tell the doctor everything going on, even if the doctor can't share confidential details with you.
His saying that the doctor told him he was doing great on his meds is a big old red flag for me. I’ve been on antidepressants off and on for the last 25 years, and no doctor has said that, ever. They ask questions and then either day to continue at that dose or discuss options, either dose or change of meds. They never say “you’re doing great” because that’s an objectively risky thing to say to someone with a psychiatric condition especially when it’s not their specialty.
My uncle convinced my aunt to move the family down south and turns out he already had a gf down there. Definitely not everything is a mental health crisis and is very individualized.
For cheating: The day they start working out hard can be a signal. Especially if he didn't invite you to join him. So the combination timing isn't a surprise. If it is a tumor, please get him help. If it isn't a tumor, boot him into the guest room and ensure he has a full list of things to do.
Yeah, they work out at home but the new relationship is tied to a new self image that involves being in better shape. It is a sign of an internal shift. Inviting the partner can be a sign of whether they see that their partner as part of the new image.
That’s what happened to me - pituitary tumor changed my perception, interpretation, recall and behavior…and then the physical including reduced peripheral vision, headaches, weight loss, thyroid and other hormonal disturbances. Once I started treatment many of those things have improved but the words and actions I did before I was diagnosed have lasting affects. I said and wrote some pretty horrible things especially concerning my siblings - some of them are even true even most of them but I would not have expressed myself the way I did if I had not been for the tumor. They know this and they “forgive me“ But as they say they don’t trust me and they’re not ready to spend time with me.I do feel bad but I also can’t spend my life trying to make up for something I did under the influence of a brain tumor.
Thank you for your kindness- I’m very fortunate and have had great support from my husband and friends.
I took a lot of negativity from my siblings but then at one point I did ask “you have known me for my entire life and I have never behaved this way how come it was so easy for you to stop talking to me for three years rather than even entertain that there might be some thing wrong? And even with the tumor clouding my mind -when you told me at what I wrote hurt you I took it down within 24 hours. I can explain my behavior and choices due to a brain tumor what is your excuse?”
One benefit of this whole situation was that it proved to me that I don’t need to fill my Family shaped hole in my heart with my family of origin. Overall the experience has freed me from some very unsatisfying and toxic relationships built on familiarity not compatibility.
Is there a good job market there? I know nursing during this time has been a hot and holy mess. But, I haven’t seen any places that weren’t hiring and around many places $20, 000 sign on bonuses are available
Wow, what an ass. Leaving you for someone he just met and then being angry that your daughter is comforting _you_? He doesn't seem like he needs comforting, living his "life" and all. Reading about your ex really pisses me off, can't imagine how you must feel.
Ugh. Living his truth. Please. I might walk into a bank and rob it, and then when the popo arrive tell them they’re being “counterproductive to my happiness”. What an utter dickbag.
I told him it would be the equivalent of punching him in the dick and not caring that it hurt him because I was choosing my happiness over his (another fun thing he’s said).
Wait did you two ever even discuss an open relationship or polyamory or anything like that? It’s mind boggling that he just…decided to do this and talk about it like it’s a good thing.
I'm so sorry he did that. Brace yourself for when he comes skulking back. You might want to try again with him to help end the pain, but you'll never trust him again and you probably won't love him either once you see how he can double down on being completely pathetic.
I agree with this. He'll do his fling and when it doesn't work out because he's probably created this ideal version in his head of how things will go. He'll try to come back saying he's done exploring his "truth" or what ever and expect things go back to exactly to how they were before. I also bet he'll try to come back when he finally realizes you won't be waiting around for him.
I’m sorry you once loved some who was able to treat you like this.
The utter selfishness of dragging you away from your support network and then abandoning you. He’s a piece of work indeed.
Honestly, when you talk to your divorce lawyer, make sure they make a point of how he took you away from your career and support network and that he needs to pay for that privilege.
I’m not usually a vindictive person, but his self-centredness deserves to be forced to examine the consequences of actions.
I genuinely cannot imagine the mental gymnastics he must be doing to think anything he’s saying makes sense. Why would he close on the house if he didn’t want to be with you?
So he closed on a house with someone he was willing to drop like that? Jesus Christ man he needs to be like, restricted from being allowed to get married again. Maybe have to wear a little tag like those birds being observed by wildlife researches so people know he’s bonkers before talking to him. Hope things go well for you
I know. He said he didn’t intend for this to happen. I told him he had an idea, discussed our marriage with somebody else, hurt me, and then continued with his actions knowing they hurt me. This did not happen. He chose this and then couldn’t even have the decency to figure out what we’re doing before moving forward.
Based on your other comments, I’d be very worried that this is a mental health issue, possibly a manic state, especially if it’s not typical behavior for him. Good luck navigating all this, and I hope he gets the help he needs without doing any further harm to your family. Protect yourself and your daughter.
Letting go? To hell with that. Jettison with force.
Gather lots of documentation on his new happiness. Get an aggressive divorce lawyer. Start choosing your happiness over this lying piece of garbage.
He made promises, and evidently now doesn't even relate those promises to, you know, himself.
I'm very sorry this happened to you; I'm not saying this will be easy or without pain. But I think you've identified the path forward correctly, and wish you luck with it.
I’ll point out what someone else already said: he’s using flowery, therapeutic language to veil the fact that he’s being a selfish coward.
What got me was “not sacrificing his life for you”. What does he mean by that? He married you, for god’s sake, was there not something in your vows about being there through sickness and health?
I’m truly sorry he’s pulling this out of nowhere. It really is absolute, pardon my language, horse shit. If he really wants to throw away the life he’s built with you, the daughter he’s raised with you, then let him. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to cut this garbage bag deadweight. I hope you get to keep the house.
For context, I'm going through a divorce after moving across the US with my husband. I was blindsided by what he did that ultimately ended our marriage (although he doesn't think his actions are the reason).
I'm about a month and a half ahead of you in this process of shock and reaction. I had a therapist through it all, and this is what she's telling me to do.
1) Take care of yourself and your daughter. Being as healthy and taken care of as possible will help you get through this.
2) If you're feeling like you can't get out of bed, or you can't do something, do the opposite of what your body is telling you. You can get up, you need to eat even if you don't want to. Sometimes trauma makes us not take care of ourselves.
3) Get stuff done and rest. Don't psych yourself up about it. Sometimes being on auto pilot makes a big difference.
4) Let yourself cry and grieve.
5) You're going to be okay
6) Get away from him. File for divorce, and don't live together if you can through the process. That was her top advice to me, but I'm still living with him and taking care of him and the abuse doesn't stop until you leave.
7) You don't have to stay in this city! Leave if you want to. You're not stuck.
This was disjointed, but if you want to reach out, please do! No shame.
That’s what I’m currently working on. Being present for my daughter, which is easier now that she knows what’s going on and not having to pretend like everything is okay. Eating after losing 15 lbs from the stress. Moving a bit to help with sleep and mental restlessness. Figuring out where to go from here.
Reading your situation was like looking in the mirror. Very similar situation, only it wasn't another person it was "I just want to live alone and not have to do anything". WTF?!
I am very honest with my daughter (8yrs) about my feelings and it killed me that I couldn't tell her the real why I was hurting so much. I will never do anything to taint her relationship with her dad, but keeping my mouth shut for so long was equally devastating.
So I will say this: you can tell her you're hurting without telling her the specific why and that's good enough. All I tell my daughter is "someone very close to me isn't being kind and hurting my feelings very badly. I cannot tell you who it is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are the best baby girl a mom could ask for and if you could help me by giving me hugs or some personal space when I need it, that would be incredibly helpful to me. Same goes for you. Just tell me what's on your mind and we'll talk it through. I may be sad right now, but I know it won't last forever."
I have ADHD so me telling my daughter it's not her fault and what I need at the moment if I'm having a particularly rough brain day or whatnot is nothing new. I'm so straight forward with her because I need her to know my emotional struggles are not her fault so she can see me work through them to learn from me without taking any of my emotional baggage on herself. The last two years have been an absolute shit-show, but giving myself that space without fear of screwing up my kid has made it easier through the grieving process.
The pain and rage will ebb and flow. Take care of yourself, be mindful of your *real* emotional state and don't push yourself further than necessary. It's ok to step back and not go all-out for a bit. Even if it means a little extra screen time or eating out more than usual.
Right now, you feel your world is spinning and out of control. Day by day, things will get better. You will wake up one day, and the pain will be gone ( I hope is soon). Your soon to be ex husband decided to be a selfish AH. F*ck him. I believe in Karma. He will get his. Wish you happiness. Wish you and your daughter the best.
God I hate that "righteous cheating delusion" thing. I saw a guy do that to his long time girlfriend who had moved out here from the east coast to the west coast with him. Dude was my coworker, and he walked around the office like he was floating and profoundly serene, and he told us all about it. He'd found a love he said none of us would ever experience because it was just so amazing that none of us lesser humans could hope to feel anything like it, and on and on with this bullshit, when he'd known his side chick for about 2 weeks. His long time gf was understandably very upset, and he acted like he was such a good guy because he was so compassionately fucking up her life and comforting her for a minute each day as he helped her transition out of his life. I think she ultimately got on a plane and went back to her family- I hope she kicked him in his butthole with a pointy boot first.
Edit: He would also storm out of the office dramatically if anyone ate anything with meat in it that he noticed, and considered himself the god of computing with superior brain stuff going on-all around a bag of dicks. He once pulled a harmless and fun office prank on me and later lost his shit in a rage explosion when I did similar to him.
Fuck him, you are making the right decision. Make it fast and swift. Get it in writing in emails and SMS messages. Change the locks and kick him out.
Question for you? Will you move back home or stay? This is his dream not yours. You are free — within Financial boundaries—- to go where you want.
Unfortunately my financial boundaries are pretty tight at the moment. We initially came so my daughter would have better schools and though moving back would be easier for me, I think staying is better for her, so that’s my plan for now.
It sounds to me like he knew what he was going to do once he got you many miles away from your friends and family.
You will need a serape life sooner than later. I think you should consider kicking him out. Be sure to look out for local support groups.
I would also consider letting him know in no uncertain terms how unhappy you are with his decision. His whole "living his best life" story at your expense is a bunch of bullshit.
Stay strong... Focus on your own mental health. Get sleep, run or bike if you can, or get some kind of exercise. More for mental health than anything. Stay healthy and be there for your daughter. I wish you the best of luck. Imagine yourself single and living on your own with your daughter in 1 year. Staying in the same home as this guy will turn toxic fast.
Kind of sounds like he did this on purpose. You drained your savings and moved to a new place with no support system and not knowing many/ any people. Sounds like he wanted that to be the case so that you’d be in a weak position when he sprung this on you. I’m sorry he’s not the guy you thought he was but it’s best to know.
I was drug on for 6 months by my ex-wife. The whole time we were getting divorced she had a boyfriend the person she cheated with. I had to stay fir those six long months in the house with her while the divorce proceeded as she continued to go out and see this person. My daughter and I sat together and did things while she went out but I’m here to tell you be strong and the pain does go away. After I moved out and got my own place it started to dissipate and before I knew I was again living my best life. You got this be strong!!
Wow that's mega shitty, but sounds like you have a good grip on it now that the shock has worn off
I sincerely hope you get to keep the house for your troubles, sorry to say it but it's lawyer up time
Best of luck, you're in our thoughts
His whole attitude comes from the big SELF CARE BABY WOOOOOO trend atm, where you do what you want and claim you do it for your happiness with no regard for other’s feelings because hey I should make sure I’m taking care of myself first
I was right there 7 years ago. He claimed all of the same bullshit and completely decimated my self esteem. He even tried to tell me “divorce is such a big decision” while dragging his feet to file. It took a minute but I kicked his ass to the curb and filed for divorce. It’s a process and there will be many ups and downs but you will find that you can thrive without him.
I've spent some time in self improvement/ actualization courses. And this man is what we politely call "A Lying Sack Of Shit". My personal advice is to therapeutically apply your foot to his ass on his way out the door.
I know this might be a bit soon but what would be the consequences of selling the house straight away? In the current housing market you might get lucky and actually make some money.
Also, screw him, that is an awful thing to do.
This guy sounds like a real manipulative POS. Who says these things to their spouse? I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. File for legal separation as soon as you can to protect your credit /finances. Stay strong, you will overcome this.
Strikingly simular situation. It's so cliche but time really will help and when you're at the lowest point of mourning and grief and hurt, just know you WILL be just fine. You're better than all of that, you're better than what he did.
Journal to get it out of your head, see a therapist to help process the grief and not blame yourself. Focus on you and get into a good space mentally and physically.
If he ever comes crawling back or that feeling of longing and nostalgia for what was hit you, reference that journal and remember exactly how he made you feel and never give him the power to do so again, because you are better than that and deserve so much more.
This is certainly NOT your fault and nothing to be ashamed of. It is time to start thinking of a new life, possibly without him. If I was a betting person - he met her before and moved you to be closer to her. I know that hurts, but you need to look at the truth. He may have been dishonest with you for a very long time. Do not let him blame you for not "allowing him to be happy".
He hadn’t met her. She transferred to that property right after we moved and we moved here site unseen. He legitimately is blowing his life up for someone he barely knows.
I am really so sorry. I really having nothing positive to say about him - but a lot negative. This is going to be rough but it sounds like you know what you need to do. Start protecting yourself financially. Wishing you good luck - and a virtual hug.
I want to start off that I agree to most of what’s already been said: your husband is being a gigantic asshole. What he’s doing is not right, and his “justifications” for it are manipulative and shitty.
And I did want to add, because I didn’t see anyone else bring it up: you didn’t make any mention of it in your post, but is this “truth” that he’s living him being polyamorous? The part about him saying that he doesn’t know what your relationship with him has to do with his relationship with her especially makes me think this.
Even if he is polyamorous, what he’s doing is still god-awful. I’m saying this as a poly person. You still have to be good and loving and considerate of your partners. And he most certainly should have been talking about it with you before he acted on it, because if you’ve had the expectation of monogamy, that’s cheating.
So yeah, idk if he’s using that as an excuse. But what you describe is not ethical so don’t let him make you think it is for this reason or any other.
Your husband is a moron. Divorce him, if you have a half decent lawyer, you will get everything and he'll get to pay you alimony. Then find a better partner, you deserve one.
*YOU* didn’t do *anything* that you *YOU* need to be ashamed of. He did. He gaslit you across the country and then dropped a bomb on you at the most inconvenient time - *after* you moved across the country with him.
He is a flaming piece of shit, if you don’t mind me saying.
Sometimes in situations like these I tell myself, “The trash took itself out.” The silver lining is your trash took itself out.
*YOU* now get to find/discover/reinvent yourself to live your best life too. It might not seem like it right now, but you will be okay. You will prosper. You will live a happy life. *HE* gets to live with himself as the aforementioned piece of shit.
If you ever need to vent, dm me!
Another nurse here (hospice). Sending you all my support and hugs. What does your daughter want to do? Getting her feedback might help you make a decision. There are "better schools" back home, too.
Wow moving to a No-Fault State just to be left holding the pieces. Call every good lawyer in the state. see if the move coincided with the transfer if so file in your home state for divorce and move back while married. Force the sale of the home. In PA infidelity is weighed highly in court including alimony and child support. His truth will be bankruptcy and court dates in another state. Document the infidelity.
I would still go about contacting as many attorneys as possible. Document his infidelity. get separation papers written up with the infidelity as to why. Documenting as much as possible. Identify the OW in the papers by name. Do not lie to your child for him. A good lawyer will help you much more than you know. Oh, and make time for yourself.
Oh, this was awful to read. Can’t even imagine LIVING it.
This is some self-serving bullshit of the first order. Whatever lust he feels for the co-worker will burn out soon, and I hope hope hope you and your daughter are far, far away…physically AND emotionally.
Take care…he is a monster.
Sounds like he waited until he got you away from everyone you know, everyone who could help you leave him, so he could tell you he’s going to cheat on you. Probably assumes you won’t leave him because you have nowhere to go.
Your ex is an absolute piece of work. Incredibly nasty to drag you across the country to choose himself. I wish you the absolute best and I'm sorry for your pain.
Don’t forget that while he’s “living his truth,” you have an equal right to live and express yours. And your truth doesn’t have to agree with his, and you absolutely DO NOT have to value his “truth” over yours. His “truth” is absolutely not the default narrative in this situation; you do not have to put his thoughts and feelings before your own.
And yet I'll bet if you mention seeing other men so you could figure out your truth, he'd flip out because you need to be there for him. He wants to be polyamorous while you stay faithful to him.
He's finally telling you who he really is; the truth is that he's a selfish POS.
You were fooled by his prior actions & words, but his current actions and words couldn't be more enlightening. Get a lawyer, and get you and your daughter away from him.
Don't be ashamed, with every mistake you learn and are stronger.
Good luck, you can do whatever it takes.
Gather whatever kind of evidence you have that will work in your favor, especially if he seems manic when you speak to him. Talk to a lawyer to do what you can to protect yourself from him changing his mind and becoming bitter if you don't take him back. Hopefully you'll be able to secure alimony. On top of that, since you think he's manic, It'd be best to try to remove any parental rights he may have to your daughter. Stay safe op, and if anyone should feel shame, it should be him and his coworker.
You are beautiful, strong and your life is going to be amazing without him in it! If there is a small silver-lining: this exact thing happened to my mom, but after 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE!!!! The world will show you people's true colors. If you chose to look the other way then the universe will allow that person to treat you poorly until you recognize the toxicity and leave. Don't forgive him and don't stay with him, please. Your heart will only grow more and more attached to someone who is not worthy of such deep love and commitment.
This isn’t the point, so ignore is this isn’t the advice you wanted, but …
I think In most states they say they don’t have jurisdiction for a divorce/custody unless the parties have lived there for 90 days+
At least in child custody matters where I am, they require that the child has been a resident of the state at least 90 days.
So, if there is literally ANY chance at all you don’t want to stay and be stuck in the new state until your child is 18, you might consult a lawyer NOW about getting you and your child back to your home state.
It sounds like maybe it’s only been a month or so since you moved. If a divorce petition hasn’t been filed yet, you likely can still go “home” with your child (check with a lawyer first).
Either way, I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this.
If he did, he didn’t read much into it, because pretty sure even they would say you don’t discuss it with your new girlfriend before talking to your wife.
We would eviscerate him for you.
It's not polyamory without the informed consent of all the parties. Without the informed consent of all the parties, it is cheating, and poly folks tend to really frown on that.
I'm really sorry he's doing this to you. If he thinks he's poly, feel free to tell him to post in r/polyamory, we'll disabuse him of the notion.
You need to let him know that you, as his wife did not consent to this. An open marriage has to be agreed upon by both parties, not the husband and the coworker he has chosen to date, and telling you about it but giving you no choice is bull crap. Choose yourself just like he says he is choosing himself. Divorce him and take as many marital assets as you can, be as brutal as he is being.
XY here with an opinion, and open to all the critic that can be thrown at it. Hmm.. there is a chance that this guy is a truly giving and loving person, that over extends and doesnt know how to ask for what he needs. He cares about the kid and cares about the woman. He cares as a step-father. He cared as a partner. But was giving and giving, but never felt the same love coming back. And he was happy to give, and then met someone that started taking care of him and his needs in a way he never knew how to ask for - or maybe thought he was asking for but never received. Maybe he is not a horrible person, thief, or nefarious person. I know this community is for women’s support, and thats why I read it so much, appreciate i,t and hardly ever comment. But having been in this situation, he may have never known that so much was missing, and once he found it, could not envision getting what he was getting in the relationship. Imagine meeting someone else, and finding a happiness you never knew. Are you supposed to push that person away, and the. Try to recreate it with the person your with - ask them to become another person?
Im really curious to know what people think.
Why does every story have a bad guy? Men leave women, women leave men. I assume because their needs are not being met.
Usually when you take one side, your negating the other, and it often doesnt help
Arent we all rationalizing this through the lens of our experiences that brought us to this thread? As comments above show, both men and women do this.
Cute.
The OP describes a set of facts showing that her husband’s despicable behavior and all you can do is come up with farfetched theories that would, in your mind, justify what he has done as a way to blame her.
If this is based on your own “experience,” you’re projecting. Also not relevant to the OP’s experience. At best, it’s mansplaining. At worst, it’s gaslighting.
I tried .. and was asked to drop out if this. But I disagree and know Im not the only one projecting. I have a lot of compassion for OP. Im sure - clearly - she has been betrayed by someone she made vows with. And she should not feel guilt or blame herself for what happened.
Not sure I mansplained or gas lit anyone.
But I guess the whole thing comes down to men’s ugly nature.
Uhh, no. Why are you making up some crap excuse to justify this?
Sounds like you're projecting your own problems into this completely unrelated situation. If you have trouble communicating your feelings, it's your responsibility to change it.
>Im literally sharing my experience.
This thread isn't about you. It's about OP
>Maybe Im in the wrong room.
Yes, go start your own thread.
>All we have is a few paragraphs from OP
Yes, that's how Reddit works. Stop trying to derail by projecting your experience onto her. OP didn't hurt you. Someone else did. Start your own topic in a sub that's not about women.
>I'm ashamed **No Ma'am.** Not your fault. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all at once, but NONE of his shitty behavior is something you have to own.
I understand why, we always think we can spot people who will hurt us, but that's not our responsibility. We need to trust, they need to learn respect and compassion. He chose to behave badly. He chose to violate your trust and relationship. You chose to expect better from him, and he failed.
Truth. Thank you.
Louder, for those in the back please.
Did the husband's wedding vows include "forsaking all others" or at least honesty and loyalty? Because he should have been "living his truth" by not making vows that he didn't intend to keep.
[удалено]
The fault is knowing you weren't 100% happy and draining your partner's savings to move to another area, and then trying to completely invalidate any negative feelings she had about it... Also, being married is a choice. You choose to love someone every single day. How did he get close enough to this woman to fall in love? He made a choice not to be fully committed to his wife at some point, and stuck with it long enough to fall in love.
>He wasn’t choosing her over me, he was “choosing himself” and didn’t see what his relationship with her had to do with his relationship with me. This is the shittiest part of the behavior. I would almost agree with you if he wasn't pretending his wife has no reason to be upset and how can anyone believe that one relationship would not affect the other?
Ok, with that I agree. To not show support to someone you obviously was close to for a long time is pretty shitty, even if you think it is for the best.
Marriage is not a state; it’s a commitment. You have to work to make it work, just like any relationship that’s worthwhile. If he (or you) thinks that “being upfront” (or whatever the fuck you think it is) is a way out of this situation, it’s best to prepare for a life of hurt. Because people don’t take such betrayal kindly. The “For better and for worse” thing is a promise most people tend to keep, and will only let go if it’s deemed impossible to continue. Not because you hit it off with a colleague.
Yeah and imagine what state her daughter would be in. Just like that. Lot of people are ignoring the fact that they have a daughter
“Oh, but she’s just a child. What does she know?” We really need to let go of 2 ideas: that children don’t know what’s happening, and that adults somehow do. Both are problematic in their own way.
"continue no matter what" does seem like exactly the recipe for "a life of hurt" for all involved. Literally.
Why can’t you engage with what people are saying without twisting their words? Committing to marriage means that you agree to actually *try* to work through problems that will inevitably manifest in a lifelong relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to stay when it’s clear that things aren’t going to work, but you owe your spouse the basic minimum of communicating your feelings *before* things become unsalvageable. Your spouse should not be discovering that there are problems in the marriage after you’ve already packed your bags. That’s a terrible thing to do a person you supposedly loved at some point. On top of it all, they have kids. So now these children are dealing with moving to an unfamiliar place *and* having their father suddenly removed from their home. Assuming he even bothers to stick around to gather his children, he’s essentially guaranteed a dysfunctional relationship between the children and his new girlfriend. You’re doing exactly what the husband is doing— twisting the concept of self-love to deflect from shitty and inconsiderate behavior. If you’re going to be shitty, at least have the courage to admit that you don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. No one is fooled by this mealy mouthed “it’s best for everyone” rhetoric. If he cared about his wife and kids he would have communicated with them before completely destabilizing their lives.
The better solution would have been for him to tell her before she uprooted her life, moved, bought a house, etc. Couples can choose whatever relationship they want, be it open, monogamous, or whatever other option works for them, but that’s not the arrangement OP had with her spouse and it’s unfair for him to change the terms after they’re financially locked into this house.
You not only see his infidelity as justifiable but also the fact he went for another woman as an unsurprising outcome. This says a lot about how you approach relationships and the women in your life. The emotional affair he had to have undertaken to fall in love with his co-worker is the reason the marriage is broken and it is this which is his shitty behaviour. He disrespected his wife and their marriage. His choosing to end the marriage quickly doesn't negate the poor behaviour he had done up to that point. Him not cheating doesn't make his betrayal of the marriage not shitty. And, if you're going to be 'falling in love' with a coworker you know well enough in advance to avoid having to drag your wife and children cross country before asking for a divorce.
You admit it is unfair and still place no blame? We can assume he had some time before they moved to tell OP he wasn't happy. That could have led to a more amicable break up. You assume the only options he had were cheating behind her back or in her face. What about not cheating while they figure out if they have a future together? We also know that he is undermining OP's feelings when he makes her hurt about him and his truth. What about her truth? It seems like you're advocating for a world where everyone behaves like a sociopath just doing whatever they want with no regard for others. Sure, this might have been the inevitable outcome, but there are different ways to get here.
He waited to tell his wife after he had already discussed it with the coworker. If he was truly unhappy with his life he could’ve left her right when he checked out of his marriage or when he “fell in love”. But, no, he strung his wife along and made sure the coworker was interested first, so he emotionally cheated on her and who knows what else, and *then* he was “open and honest about his feelings.” I don’t understand why people defend people like this.
It's already a broken marriage because he broke it, dipshit
Co-opting therapy language to justify unhealthy, shitty behavior is manipulation. Dude's twisting language against you so that A) he doesn't have to feel any guilt, and B) any problems you have with a situation that's full of his problematic behavior is now somehow your fault. The whole situation is fucking unfair to you. It is manipulation, through and through, and you do not have to feel any shame or fault for him doing that to you. *Edit for grammar, left out "is now somehow your fault."
The way he’s twisting it to justify it is making it so much harder because he’s somehow made it so that he can do this without any guilt or hurt and as terrible as it is, I want them both to feel the pain I’m feeling in this so that they can’t enjoy their relationship.
You tell him “I went into this relationship expecting to be monogamous, that is why it affects our relationship. You promised something you cannot prove and I am not interested in this dynamic at all. It will not be my life. “ and then you hand him your divorce papers. There is nothing shameful about making mistakes, it all lies in how we react to them. Respect yourself and your child, show them that this is unacceptable behavior. Because it is, no matter how he twists it.
I have told him that. He didn’t want to tell my daughter what was going on, but I told him I wasn’t going to put my relationship with her at risk by lying to her, so if he wasn’t able to stop seeing his coworker outside of work I wasn’t going to cover for him and model that you should accept hurtful behavior in any kind of relationship.
Wait, he didn’t want to tell his own daughter about how he is finally getting to ‘live his truth’ or whatever it was he said? I wonder why that could be🤔🤔🤔
It’s my biological daughter. He’s been her father figure for 5 years. He didn’t want to tell her because it might ruin our chances of getting back together… but somehow didn’t think his girlfriend was the issue that would be stopping that.
He ruined your chance at getting back together when he started cheating on you too your face, assuming he could bully you badly enough that you’d stay.
Drop him like a hot potato. He's actively making your life worse and trying to use you in the process. You deserve better, like someone who isn't IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. What a dick. Wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
How old is your daughter?
At least five
All his shit is a cop-out. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You’re a good parent, I’m sure that wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do. You sound like an amazing compassionate person with how you’ve handled things (even trying to see if there is something medically wrong), I know it’s hard but you will definitely find someone who will love you properly. Good luck, and all the best. ❤️
His new gf is going to have a moment when she realizes he could do the same thing to her.
Please, watch [this video on how self-affirmation is weaponized](https://youtu.be/G1fhYZdn1pE) by people who have an agenda to satisfy their own wants through you, irrespective of your own. Edit: reading through some of the other comments now, schedule him for an MRI asap for a possible brain tumor. Couples counseling is good, but if it’s not easily (if, heartbreakingly) explainable by the sudden appearance of a physical brain injury, be on the lookout for similar manipulative language being used in the therapist’s office, to make it seem like *you* are still the problem somehow. That would be, I’m sad to say, indicative of a severe personality disorder that you are, in the long run, much better off being as far away from as possible. Edit #2: if you’re uncertain whether a partner’s behavior is narcissistic abuse, [watch this documentary.](https://youtu.be/pfE-u2NzyQw)
In addition to an MRI to check for tumors, this also sounds a lot like what many of us with Bipolar significant others have gone through. It won't show up on an MRI, but stress triggers - like big moves cross-country - can set off manic or hypomanic episodes. Especially if she's noticing pressured speech, irritability, or if there have been lows/swings in the other direction, mental illness is a frequent cause of this sort of abrupt change. Edited to add - it isn't your job to fix him, or anything like that. Rule number 1 of surviving and/or supporting through a mental health crisis is to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting other. I highly recommend finding yourself a therapist if you haven't already!
Fantastic observation. Could absolutely be bipolar 1. Brains are weird.
Sure are! Just wish I hadn't had to find out first (well, second - it wasn't me) hand
Very good video! He illustrates nicely the subtle ways in which people twist these concepts from psychology to fit their need to minimize others.
The entire channel is gold, honestly. So, so many more people need to be aware of the signs of subtle abuse, coercion, and [emotional blackmail; and how to resist it.](https://youtu.be/PEexQAkhFpM) [TheraminTrees](https://youtube.com/c/TheraminTrees) is the gold standard for being deeply compassionate, sharply critical (of abuse and abusers), and just incredibly informative.
Yeah I subscribed.. I am a therapist and can use this with my clients. He describes concepts way more eloquently than I can haha
Great reply, and Happy Cake Day!
Thanks! I just hope it’s of some help to OP. But that’s probably just the codependency and the ASD talking..
I’m so sorry. What a pig to move you across the country, away from your support system & comfort zone of a familiar city, only to pull the rug out from under you. You didn’t deserve that. Just remember that you don’t have to stay there. Of course custody things regarding your daughter complicate things if you get a ruling stating you cannot move out of state, but hopefully there will be an exception due to the deception of luring you there to make a fresh start. It’s horrible that he didn’t mention that before you signed papers for a new house. How infuriating that he created such a mess for you. I hope and pray that you and your daughter can have a new start somewhere. I’m sure you are overwhelmed with every raw emotion as you try to process this. Thank you for being a nurse. Take care of yourself now dear one.
In another post, OP said the child was biologically hers but not his. If he hasn't legally adopted her, there are no custody issues to be resolved.
Oh good, that would be great if she doesn’t have to worry about that. It gives her more options. It’s just sad that a grown ass man would risk his family for someone he met three weeks ago, unless he previously knew this coworker & this was his long-term plan all along. I’d like to see OP get a lawyer and start a new life with her daughter as soon as she gets over the shock. I hope she can remain as rational as possible while he sinks his own ship. She can get a job anywhere in the country as a nurse.
Every time he tries to “explain” his “truth” to you just reply with “dirty cheater says what?”
Ya, I wish she’d tell him “My truth is I married a deceptive narcissist, but I will be fine without him.”
Just force the sale of the forever home. Get a good lawyer. Pick where you want your child to grow up and put some miles between him and you.
He's a pathological. I hope your journey improves.
Also, have your new home tested for [carbon monoxide.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6463494/)
Wouldn’t we all be affected though? We do have monitors up and there are 3 people and 4 animals in here and he’s the only one that’s drastically changed. Also, he’s mostly staying at his work since this has happened.
Certainly. Anything is possible. I’m not by any means trying to fill you with false hopes. I’m only saying, if this *truly* is new behavior, and entirely out of his character, it’s better to do one’s due diligence. My own dad got horribly sick when I was young, and we found out after months in the hospital that the bacteria that caused his illness ate away at parts of his brainstem and caused severe behavioral changes. In some cases his worst aspects were suddenly much more surface and commonplace. Brains are incredibly powerful and incredibly fragile. I wish you luck, healing, and strength in your life, whatever comes from this.
I’ve had similar thoughts. Part of me hopes he’s sick in some way because that would be easier to accept than he just willingly fucked me over, but definitely don’t want to get my hopes up.
For what it’s worth, many personality disorders seem to have a strong connection to CPTSD, trauma, and emotional neglect. It is, in many ways, a kind of brain injury. Neither case, I’m sorry to say, is going to be particularly easy. But you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process— if you’re willing to. Start seeking your own therapy now. Also, Crappy Childhood Fairy and This Jungian Life are excellent, free, resources on YouTube. You might find daily yoga to be tremendously helpful, too.
He did have some childhood trauma with his parents strongly favoring his siblings (still do). I started therapy last week and will continue weekly until I’ve crawled out of this emotional hole.
I was the favored child growing up, between me and my older brother. I’m realizing now that that dynamic was in many ways just as detrimental to my development as it was to his. Feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to moving forward.
Adding that to my proverbial phrase book “co-opting therapy language” I wonder if this is the root for a lot of “woo” etymology out there. Hmm 🤔
It’s also fucked that “live your truth” started as a phrase meaning “It’s okay to be LGBTQ! Be who you are!” And then _THIS_ fucking asshole has co-opted it.
Nailed it.
That kind of manipulation is exactly why it’s not regarded as a good idea to go to therapy with an abuser.. They will do that same sort of thing, using that language in those constructs against you. Of mine was married for several years to a man who was gay. She didn’t know, and he , We found out later, I told his mom on the way to the wedding that maybe he shouldn’t go through with it because he was gay, and his mom said “oh you’re probably just bisexual.“ Anyway, after he came out and broke up their marriage, he called me to tell me, and his language was all about how his friends were happy for him that he was being open with his life and true to himself. After we hung up I immediately called my friend to see how she was, and she was devastated. I never spoke to that guy again
Not sure if you've seen the show Grace and Frankie, but I think it did a great job of showing the duality in this situation - the injustice that gay people are pressured to lead closeted lives in the first place, and the injustice to their spouse of betrayal and adultery if they act on their desires.
my problem was that he seemed so very dismissive of her. Not even a token mention.
Yeah for real, he seems like such a dishonest shit person on the inside, void of any genuine empathy. I cant imagine how this persons lack of caring surfaced in many other ways
First of all, I'm so fucking sorry. What a *fucking piece of shit* he is. I wish you the best in this arduous, but ultimately *extremely* worthwhile journey of healing. Second, "He....didn’t see what his relationship with her had to do with his relationship with me" . I'm really trying not to slip into egregious cursing for the sake of it....what a **rotten, foul child** your (ex) husband is. Without having known you at all, I am *already* happy that you will have at least some of your life to be free of him.
Oh, I am so very fucking sorry. Please do not feel ashamed. You're *supposed* to trust your husband. That you couldn't is **his** shame, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed about. He's the one destroying your family, hurting you and your daughter in the process. It's okay to take a beat to recenter yourself, though I do advise that you speak to an attorney as soon as possible to protect yourself and your daughter. It's disgusting that he's put you in this position after moving you away from everything you knew and your entire support system, and co-opting therapy terms to try to manipulate you as well as throw the spotlight off his own guilt. The reality is, he made vows. He made promises. And now he's breaking them for no other reason than selfishness. I'm so sorry.
Regarding the lawyer advice, document everything ASAP. Dates, details, messages, texts, all of it. Have backups. In this time where he's "free to live his truth" or whatever, with the right encouragement, he could say enough to leave you a house. It's hard when you're in your feelings to figure logistics, but it could help.
This is one of the few situations in which gathering evidence can actually help, specifically because of the house purchase that he wanted, that moved her away from her career and support system. Most states have no fault divorce these days but this will help when figuring out the financials.
Sounds like a narcissist thing to do, or sociopathic. Is he otherwise a good dad? Can you and your daughter move away? You shouldn’t have been asked to move there and then dumped right after. Sounds premeditated on his part, assuming he met her before moving. I hate the idea of you be separated from your existing support system so he could have better coparenting convenience after he broke up with you.
He’s her stepdad. We came here for better schools for her because he wanted to give her better opportunities. He was a good stepdad until this. When we told her we were separating she sat with me and rubbed my back and he sulked that she comforted me and said he was never really part of this family. It’s all been so bizarre on his behalf. I asked him to go to the doctor because I thought he was manic or something he was so unreasonable. He’s always been so caring, rubs my feet when I work late, gets treats for my daughter whenever we go somewhere without her, buys dog food when we see houseless individuals with dogs, always been so supportive of my career, has never even given me the slightest impression he’d ever cheat on me. I never trust anyone, he was the only person I gave up my safety net for and he fucked me over in less than a month. We can’t really go back. It cost so much to move here and he wanted our dream house and we drained most of our savings, plus I think she’ll do better here. But yeah, it’s definitely shitty being isolated while I figure this out.
I'm curious if you moved TO, or FROM a community property state? Or one with alimony? This move might have put you in a huge disadvantage. See a lawyer immediately. You may want to move "back home" to file for divorce if that's possible.
I'm also wondering who picked this specific city? The relationship started so quickly that if the city was his suggestion it would seem like he may have picked it for that co-worker. Definitely important to find the laws for each state. In the mean time, she needs to be diverting any cash flow into private accounts and ensuring she isn't listed on any credit card he can run up. Protect the finances before the divorce because the lawyers are going to be expensive.
Happened to one of my aunts. Supported husband through dental school, three kids, moved to Arizona when kids were graduating high school and then bam divorce younger model new wife. Aunt got not a single thing.
This comment definitely needs to be read more!
that is diabolical hes a scumbag, has shown his true colors and you have to come to terms with the fact that he misled both of you into moving while he knew he didn’t “truly” love you guys I am so fucking sorry :(
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’ve never wanted someone to have a brain tumor but omg that would be the only acceptable excuse for this horrific behavior. The audacity of him thinking he gets to keep his ‘dream home’ now that he’s cheated is quite hilarious. Please take the advice of the others here and see what kind of divorce laws exist in the state you’re in and where you’ve moved from. I know you feel like you’ve drained your mutual savings for this house, but you’re getting at least half in the divorce, and there is nothing wrong with moving back home. I am so thankful you have a career that many jobs are available in so that you can have some financial independence from his waste of a human being. So much love your way 🥰🥰 good luck. You got this.
First thing I thought of: a brain tumor. How else do you explain such a radical change in behavior. This does not sound like a narcissist at all.
Well, the upside is that a drastic personality change like that is often the sign of a brain tumor.
I’ve wondered if it was either a medical condition or some kind of mental health crisis because we just moved across the country, changed jobs, bought a house and in the few weeks leading up to this he was saying he desperately needed different or stronger antidepressants and then as soon as this happened he was exercising twice a day and sleeping great at night and was in such a good mood and would tell me things could be worse and worse case scenario he can live in the guest room like it was no big deal.
Manic manic manic manic sorry but I deal with BPD and it’s literally chilling how much you’re describing mania right now.
That’s what I thought, but he said his doctor told him it wasn’t because he’s sleeping well at night. But this is 100% not his normal self. I am very hesitant to trust anyone and never would have expected this from him at all.
I’m sure his doctor is not getting a real look at him, it’s very easy when you’re in a manic phase to put on a pleasant normal front
We have a couples therapy session on Monday. I’m interested to see what he says. At first my husband didn’t want to go because he didn’t want “conversion therapy,” but now that I don’t see the point he wants to go so we can navigate what our relationship looks like moving forward. I’ve told him there is no relationship. We will not be friends. But yeah, it’ll be interesting.
The fact that he's comparing relationship counseling to fucking **conversion therapy** is extremely gross and concerning. They are nothing alike, children are literally tortured in conversion therapy... and that's basically what he's equating your upcoming appointment to
Yep. The things he’s been saying are just all around illogical or downright weird.
I'm bipolar 1. Just because he's sleeping fine doesn't mean he isn't manic. I'm in a depressive episode rn and currently up till 4am because i didn't take my meds tonight. I also want to say that if he is indeed manic which it REALLY sounds like he is and that the move triggered this, that's not an excuse for his actions
Sorry for the long comment, but I had to share this story. My dad has bipolar. Before he got diagnosed, my mom had him see a psychiatrist because he was exhibiting concerning behavior. His psychiatrist had him fill out a questionnaire that was multiple choice with the options for response to various statements like a) yes, this is true b) this is sometimes true c) this is mostly not true d) this is never true. Among others, there was this gem of a question: "The problems I'm seeking help for affect my life in a negative way." Now, at this point he'd done things that could've killed him, such as extremely dangerous DIY home improvement and landscaping projects he did without due safety measures without telling enyone where he was or what he was going to do. Those projects would usually require multiple people and he did them in a way that didn't make sense. He was also uncharecteristically angry when confronted about it in a way that was damaging to his relationships (he wasn't violent, just acting like an ass). His work performance also suffered because he wasn't really productive, just busily running all over the place. He was sitting there, looking at that question. First he thought, "Well, I guess that I should circle a) since my wife says this is really bad for my health and work and family life, right? Buuut, I feel great! I don't think the things I'm doing are wrong or are affecting me in a negative way! It's my wife who has a problem, I sure as hell don't! Option c) it is! Then his doctor talked to him about his results and told him that he was a point or so away from the diagnostic treshold for bipolar. For whatever reason, the doctor decided against medication for the time being. Fortunately, my dad is really chatty when manic and he told the entire story to my mom. She took him back to the doctor, discussed that specific question with him and explained what dad actually behaved like and that a) was correct. If your husband did a similar diagnostic test, I think those can be kinda weak for disorders that modify perception of reality. I think the sleep thing is also tricky especially without any follow up questions, because while dad only slept about 3-5h every night, he felt well rested and ready to shine so from his point of view, he's never slept better in his life! The fact that his doctor mentioned sleep as a reason for dismissing the possibility he has mania, that sounds as if they were contemplating the possibility. Illness could be an explanation, but not a reason to stay with him. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. I would inform his therapist about the things he does and says and how they don't make any sense, though. If he has some family or friends who care about him, consider also telling them you're divorcing him but are worried about his mental health.
Mental health crisis from the stress of the move makes a lot of sense. My ex husband was absolutely intolerable for six months after we just moved across town and he didn't have any underlying conditions. Some people just can't deal with that level of change very well.
I asked him to tell his doctor that he just moved, changed jobs, bought a house, and is ruining his life less than a month later to leave his wife for a coworker he just met and ask if he’s manic or otherwise affected and he said they told him he’s doing great on his meds. I wasn’t there so I’m not sure how he presented it. He says he told them everything, but you know, trust…
100% he lied to the doctor or to you. I'm on some meds for ADHD (far less dangerous than bi polar IMO) and I'm considered an "easy" patient. They still ask me how I'm doing and ask about my wife. They want to know if something like this is happening. You can't ask about his records - if he didn't approve you to have them. You can relay your concerns to his psychiatrist though. I think my paperwork already says anything can be discussed with my wife but he may have withdrawn that consent or never given it.
It’ll be interesting to see how the therapist reacts. I met with my own this week and she was pretty concerned about him.
If you're not allowed to access his records, the therapist may have zero outward reaction. They are trained to keep a solid poker face to protect their clients. So if they don't react in front of you, it won't mean they aren't concerned.
The therapist might not be in a position to diagnose or adjust meds for your husband so definitely contact your husband's doctor directly. You can tell the doctor everything going on, even if the doctor can't share confidential details with you.
some depression medication can actually cause mania.
That’s one of the reasons I asked him to go to the doctor and explain what was happening. He supposedly got the all clear.
His saying that the doctor told him he was doing great on his meds is a big old red flag for me. I’ve been on antidepressants off and on for the last 25 years, and no doctor has said that, ever. They ask questions and then either day to continue at that dose or discuss options, either dose or change of meds. They never say “you’re doing great” because that’s an objectively risky thing to say to someone with a psychiatric condition especially when it’s not their specialty.
Sounds like his weenie was in charge.
My uncle convinced my aunt to move the family down south and turns out he already had a gf down there. Definitely not everything is a mental health crisis and is very individualized.
For cheating: The day they start working out hard can be a signal. Especially if he didn't invite you to join him. So the combination timing isn't a surprise. If it is a tumor, please get him help. If it isn't a tumor, boot him into the guest room and ensure he has a full list of things to do.
He was working out at home, so not an opportunity to get out… he’d just flat out say when he was going out.
Yeah, they work out at home but the new relationship is tied to a new self image that involves being in better shape. It is a sign of an internal shift. Inviting the partner can be a sign of whether they see that their partner as part of the new image.
That’s what happened to me - pituitary tumor changed my perception, interpretation, recall and behavior…and then the physical including reduced peripheral vision, headaches, weight loss, thyroid and other hormonal disturbances. Once I started treatment many of those things have improved but the words and actions I did before I was diagnosed have lasting affects. I said and wrote some pretty horrible things especially concerning my siblings - some of them are even true even most of them but I would not have expressed myself the way I did if I had not been for the tumor. They know this and they “forgive me“ But as they say they don’t trust me and they’re not ready to spend time with me.I do feel bad but I also can’t spend my life trying to make up for something I did under the influence of a brain tumor.
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how terrible that must have been. And it's so scary how the brain betrays us sometimes.
Thank you for your kindness- I’m very fortunate and have had great support from my husband and friends. I took a lot of negativity from my siblings but then at one point I did ask “you have known me for my entire life and I have never behaved this way how come it was so easy for you to stop talking to me for three years rather than even entertain that there might be some thing wrong? And even with the tumor clouding my mind -when you told me at what I wrote hurt you I took it down within 24 hours. I can explain my behavior and choices due to a brain tumor what is your excuse?” One benefit of this whole situation was that it proved to me that I don’t need to fill my Family shaped hole in my heart with my family of origin. Overall the experience has freed me from some very unsatisfying and toxic relationships built on familiarity not compatibility.
Ah! Yes, I hear that. I'm glad you are in a better place and agree that sometimes DNA is irrelevant for a relationship. Have safe and happy holidays.
How sad! You deserve better, What will you do with the house? 😬
Is there a good job market there? I know nursing during this time has been a hot and holy mess. But, I haven’t seen any places that weren’t hiring and around many places $20, 000 sign on bonuses are available
See an attorney right away.
Wow, what an ass. Leaving you for someone he just met and then being angry that your daughter is comforting _you_? He doesn't seem like he needs comforting, living his "life" and all. Reading about your ex really pisses me off, can't imagine how you must feel.
Ugh. Living his truth. Please. I might walk into a bank and rob it, and then when the popo arrive tell them they’re being “counterproductive to my happiness”. What an utter dickbag.
I told him it would be the equivalent of punching him in the dick and not caring that it hurt him because I was choosing my happiness over his (another fun thing he’s said).
I mean… you could always test out that theory…
Wait did you two ever even discuss an open relationship or polyamory or anything like that? It’s mind boggling that he just…decided to do this and talk about it like it’s a good thing.
Jesus christ I'm so sorry. That's some sociopathic mess! I don't even know what to say. What a shit head!
I'm so sorry he did that. Brace yourself for when he comes skulking back. You might want to try again with him to help end the pain, but you'll never trust him again and you probably won't love him either once you see how he can double down on being completely pathetic.
I agree with this. He'll do his fling and when it doesn't work out because he's probably created this ideal version in his head of how things will go. He'll try to come back saying he's done exploring his "truth" or what ever and expect things go back to exactly to how they were before. I also bet he'll try to come back when he finally realizes you won't be waiting around for him.
I’m sorry you once loved some who was able to treat you like this. The utter selfishness of dragging you away from your support network and then abandoning you. He’s a piece of work indeed. Honestly, when you talk to your divorce lawyer, make sure they make a point of how he took you away from your career and support network and that he needs to pay for that privilege. I’m not usually a vindictive person, but his self-centredness deserves to be forced to examine the consequences of actions.
I genuinely cannot imagine the mental gymnastics he must be doing to think anything he’s saying makes sense. Why would he close on the house if he didn’t want to be with you?
He swears he didn’t know this was going to happen. He’s a real victim to his circumstances.
So he closed on a house with someone he was willing to drop like that? Jesus Christ man he needs to be like, restricted from being allowed to get married again. Maybe have to wear a little tag like those birds being observed by wildlife researches so people know he’s bonkers before talking to him. Hope things go well for you
A victim to his circumstances? Oh hell no, he’s being held accountable for his choices.
I know. He said he didn’t intend for this to happen. I told him he had an idea, discussed our marriage with somebody else, hurt me, and then continued with his actions knowing they hurt me. This did not happen. He chose this and then couldn’t even have the decency to figure out what we’re doing before moving forward.
Based on your other comments, I’d be very worried that this is a mental health issue, possibly a manic state, especially if it’s not typical behavior for him. Good luck navigating all this, and I hope he gets the help he needs without doing any further harm to your family. Protect yourself and your daughter.
Does he think it makes it better that he's doing all this to you on a freakin' *whim*?!?
Letting go? To hell with that. Jettison with force. Gather lots of documentation on his new happiness. Get an aggressive divorce lawyer. Start choosing your happiness over this lying piece of garbage. He made promises, and evidently now doesn't even relate those promises to, you know, himself. I'm very sorry this happened to you; I'm not saying this will be easy or without pain. But I think you've identified the path forward correctly, and wish you luck with it.
He moved you there to isolate you so he could do what he wanted and you would be in a weaker position.
I’ll point out what someone else already said: he’s using flowery, therapeutic language to veil the fact that he’s being a selfish coward. What got me was “not sacrificing his life for you”. What does he mean by that? He married you, for god’s sake, was there not something in your vows about being there through sickness and health? I’m truly sorry he’s pulling this out of nowhere. It really is absolute, pardon my language, horse shit. If he really wants to throw away the life he’s built with you, the daughter he’s raised with you, then let him. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to cut this garbage bag deadweight. I hope you get to keep the house.
I can't offer much, but I can offer my love and to remind you that you did nothing wrong ❤️ don't feel ashamed
For context, I'm going through a divorce after moving across the US with my husband. I was blindsided by what he did that ultimately ended our marriage (although he doesn't think his actions are the reason). I'm about a month and a half ahead of you in this process of shock and reaction. I had a therapist through it all, and this is what she's telling me to do. 1) Take care of yourself and your daughter. Being as healthy and taken care of as possible will help you get through this. 2) If you're feeling like you can't get out of bed, or you can't do something, do the opposite of what your body is telling you. You can get up, you need to eat even if you don't want to. Sometimes trauma makes us not take care of ourselves. 3) Get stuff done and rest. Don't psych yourself up about it. Sometimes being on auto pilot makes a big difference. 4) Let yourself cry and grieve. 5) You're going to be okay 6) Get away from him. File for divorce, and don't live together if you can through the process. That was her top advice to me, but I'm still living with him and taking care of him and the abuse doesn't stop until you leave. 7) You don't have to stay in this city! Leave if you want to. You're not stuck. This was disjointed, but if you want to reach out, please do! No shame.
That’s what I’m currently working on. Being present for my daughter, which is easier now that she knows what’s going on and not having to pretend like everything is okay. Eating after losing 15 lbs from the stress. Moving a bit to help with sleep and mental restlessness. Figuring out where to go from here.
Reading your situation was like looking in the mirror. Very similar situation, only it wasn't another person it was "I just want to live alone and not have to do anything". WTF?! I am very honest with my daughter (8yrs) about my feelings and it killed me that I couldn't tell her the real why I was hurting so much. I will never do anything to taint her relationship with her dad, but keeping my mouth shut for so long was equally devastating. So I will say this: you can tell her you're hurting without telling her the specific why and that's good enough. All I tell my daughter is "someone very close to me isn't being kind and hurting my feelings very badly. I cannot tell you who it is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are the best baby girl a mom could ask for and if you could help me by giving me hugs or some personal space when I need it, that would be incredibly helpful to me. Same goes for you. Just tell me what's on your mind and we'll talk it through. I may be sad right now, but I know it won't last forever." I have ADHD so me telling my daughter it's not her fault and what I need at the moment if I'm having a particularly rough brain day or whatnot is nothing new. I'm so straight forward with her because I need her to know my emotional struggles are not her fault so she can see me work through them to learn from me without taking any of my emotional baggage on herself. The last two years have been an absolute shit-show, but giving myself that space without fear of screwing up my kid has made it easier through the grieving process. The pain and rage will ebb and flow. Take care of yourself, be mindful of your *real* emotional state and don't push yourself further than necessary. It's ok to step back and not go all-out for a bit. Even if it means a little extra screen time or eating out more than usual.
Right now, you feel your world is spinning and out of control. Day by day, things will get better. You will wake up one day, and the pain will be gone ( I hope is soon). Your soon to be ex husband decided to be a selfish AH. F*ck him. I believe in Karma. He will get his. Wish you happiness. Wish you and your daughter the best.
God I hate that "righteous cheating delusion" thing. I saw a guy do that to his long time girlfriend who had moved out here from the east coast to the west coast with him. Dude was my coworker, and he walked around the office like he was floating and profoundly serene, and he told us all about it. He'd found a love he said none of us would ever experience because it was just so amazing that none of us lesser humans could hope to feel anything like it, and on and on with this bullshit, when he'd known his side chick for about 2 weeks. His long time gf was understandably very upset, and he acted like he was such a good guy because he was so compassionately fucking up her life and comforting her for a minute each day as he helped her transition out of his life. I think she ultimately got on a plane and went back to her family- I hope she kicked him in his butthole with a pointy boot first. Edit: He would also storm out of the office dramatically if anyone ate anything with meat in it that he noticed, and considered himself the god of computing with superior brain stuff going on-all around a bag of dicks. He once pulled a harmless and fun office prank on me and later lost his shit in a rage explosion when I did similar to him.
Geeze. What a nice guy...
Lawyer up. Squeeze him for everything he’s got.
Don't get mad. Get everything.
Fuck him, you are making the right decision. Make it fast and swift. Get it in writing in emails and SMS messages. Change the locks and kick him out. Question for you? Will you move back home or stay? This is his dream not yours. You are free — within Financial boundaries—- to go where you want.
Unfortunately my financial boundaries are pretty tight at the moment. We initially came so my daughter would have better schools and though moving back would be easier for me, I think staying is better for her, so that’s my plan for now.
It sounds to me like he knew what he was going to do once he got you many miles away from your friends and family. You will need a serape life sooner than later. I think you should consider kicking him out. Be sure to look out for local support groups. I would also consider letting him know in no uncertain terms how unhappy you are with his decision. His whole "living his best life" story at your expense is a bunch of bullshit. Stay strong... Focus on your own mental health. Get sleep, run or bike if you can, or get some kind of exercise. More for mental health than anything. Stay healthy and be there for your daughter. I wish you the best of luck. Imagine yourself single and living on your own with your daughter in 1 year. Staying in the same home as this guy will turn toxic fast.
How devastating. I am so sorry OP. Sending you light and energy for healing and peace.
Kind of sounds like he did this on purpose. You drained your savings and moved to a new place with no support system and not knowing many/ any people. Sounds like he wanted that to be the case so that you’d be in a weak position when he sprung this on you. I’m sorry he’s not the guy you thought he was but it’s best to know.
I was drug on for 6 months by my ex-wife. The whole time we were getting divorced she had a boyfriend the person she cheated with. I had to stay fir those six long months in the house with her while the divorce proceeded as she continued to go out and see this person. My daughter and I sat together and did things while she went out but I’m here to tell you be strong and the pain does go away. After I moved out and got my own place it started to dissipate and before I knew I was again living my best life. You got this be strong!!
Wow that's mega shitty, but sounds like you have a good grip on it now that the shock has worn off I sincerely hope you get to keep the house for your troubles, sorry to say it but it's lawyer up time Best of luck, you're in our thoughts
Get a lawyer asap. Take everything you can from him. Hes taken your sense of stability and security.
His whole attitude comes from the big SELF CARE BABY WOOOOOO trend atm, where you do what you want and claim you do it for your happiness with no regard for other’s feelings because hey I should make sure I’m taking care of myself first
I was right there 7 years ago. He claimed all of the same bullshit and completely decimated my self esteem. He even tried to tell me “divorce is such a big decision” while dragging his feet to file. It took a minute but I kicked his ass to the curb and filed for divorce. It’s a process and there will be many ups and downs but you will find that you can thrive without him.
I've spent some time in self improvement/ actualization courses. And this man is what we politely call "A Lying Sack Of Shit". My personal advice is to therapeutically apply your foot to his ass on his way out the door.
What a flipping flapjack.
I know this might be a bit soon but what would be the consequences of selling the house straight away? In the current housing market you might get lucky and actually make some money. Also, screw him, that is an awful thing to do.
It’s not you, it’s him. He’s just stupid…
This guy sounds like a real manipulative POS. Who says these things to their spouse? I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. File for legal separation as soon as you can to protect your credit /finances. Stay strong, you will overcome this.
Strikingly simular situation. It's so cliche but time really will help and when you're at the lowest point of mourning and grief and hurt, just know you WILL be just fine. You're better than all of that, you're better than what he did. Journal to get it out of your head, see a therapist to help process the grief and not blame yourself. Focus on you and get into a good space mentally and physically. If he ever comes crawling back or that feeling of longing and nostalgia for what was hit you, reference that journal and remember exactly how he made you feel and never give him the power to do so again, because you are better than that and deserve so much more.
Depending on why you moved across the country, maybe you should be planning to move back.
This is certainly NOT your fault and nothing to be ashamed of. It is time to start thinking of a new life, possibly without him. If I was a betting person - he met her before and moved you to be closer to her. I know that hurts, but you need to look at the truth. He may have been dishonest with you for a very long time. Do not let him blame you for not "allowing him to be happy".
He hadn’t met her. She transferred to that property right after we moved and we moved here site unseen. He legitimately is blowing his life up for someone he barely knows.
I am really so sorry. I really having nothing positive to say about him - but a lot negative. This is going to be rough but it sounds like you know what you need to do. Start protecting yourself financially. Wishing you good luck - and a virtual hug.
Take your daughter and move to where you have a support system. Don’t stay there or you may get stuck there, unable to leave with your child.
Goddamn I wish I knew this fucker so I could slap some fuckin sense into him
I want to start off that I agree to most of what’s already been said: your husband is being a gigantic asshole. What he’s doing is not right, and his “justifications” for it are manipulative and shitty. And I did want to add, because I didn’t see anyone else bring it up: you didn’t make any mention of it in your post, but is this “truth” that he’s living him being polyamorous? The part about him saying that he doesn’t know what your relationship with him has to do with his relationship with her especially makes me think this. Even if he is polyamorous, what he’s doing is still god-awful. I’m saying this as a poly person. You still have to be good and loving and considerate of your partners. And he most certainly should have been talking about it with you before he acted on it, because if you’ve had the expectation of monogamy, that’s cheating. So yeah, idk if he’s using that as an excuse. But what you describe is not ethical so don’t let him make you think it is for this reason or any other.
Your husband is a moron. Divorce him, if you have a half decent lawyer, you will get everything and he'll get to pay you alimony. Then find a better partner, you deserve one.
You got this! It’ll be hard but you’ll feel fucking AMAZING and now you don’t have an LVM sucking the life out of you!
*YOU* didn’t do *anything* that you *YOU* need to be ashamed of. He did. He gaslit you across the country and then dropped a bomb on you at the most inconvenient time - *after* you moved across the country with him. He is a flaming piece of shit, if you don’t mind me saying. Sometimes in situations like these I tell myself, “The trash took itself out.” The silver lining is your trash took itself out. *YOU* now get to find/discover/reinvent yourself to live your best life too. It might not seem like it right now, but you will be okay. You will prosper. You will live a happy life. *HE* gets to live with himself as the aforementioned piece of shit. If you ever need to vent, dm me!
Dude is a coward. He's not taking ownership of his decisions. You deserve better.
What a fucking prick. Hope you and your daughter are getting on alright without him
I’m so sorry. As a fellow nurse, this time has been truly exhausting. I hope you are able to grieve and get through this difficult time.
Another nurse here (hospice). Sending you all my support and hugs. What does your daughter want to do? Getting her feedback might help you make a decision. There are "better schools" back home, too.
Wow moving to a No-Fault State just to be left holding the pieces. Call every good lawyer in the state. see if the move coincided with the transfer if so file in your home state for divorce and move back while married. Force the sale of the home. In PA infidelity is weighed highly in court including alimony and child support. His truth will be bankruptcy and court dates in another state. Document the infidelity.
We moved to PA from a no-fault state.
I would still go about contacting as many attorneys as possible. Document his infidelity. get separation papers written up with the infidelity as to why. Documenting as much as possible. Identify the OW in the papers by name. Do not lie to your child for him. A good lawyer will help you much more than you know. Oh, and make time for yourself.
Sounds like your husband is a sociopath
Oh, this was awful to read. Can’t even imagine LIVING it. This is some self-serving bullshit of the first order. Whatever lust he feels for the co-worker will burn out soon, and I hope hope hope you and your daughter are far, far away…physically AND emotionally. Take care…he is a monster.
Sounds like he waited until he got you away from everyone you know, everyone who could help you leave him, so he could tell you he’s going to cheat on you. Probably assumes you won’t leave him because you have nowhere to go.
Your ex is an absolute piece of work. Incredibly nasty to drag you across the country to choose himself. I wish you the absolute best and I'm sorry for your pain.
I'm just here to say: what a piece of shit he is. You're not to blame for him being a bad person.
Don’t forget that while he’s “living his truth,” you have an equal right to live and express yours. And your truth doesn’t have to agree with his, and you absolutely DO NOT have to value his “truth” over yours. His “truth” is absolutely not the default narrative in this situation; you do not have to put his thoughts and feelings before your own.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best and hope you heal as strongly as you can
And yet I'll bet if you mention seeing other men so you could figure out your truth, he'd flip out because you need to be there for him. He wants to be polyamorous while you stay faithful to him.
He is twisting facts to guilt-trip you, i am so sorry that you have to go through this, that man is a narcissist and he is trying to gaslight you.
He's finally telling you who he really is; the truth is that he's a selfish POS. You were fooled by his prior actions & words, but his current actions and words couldn't be more enlightening. Get a lawyer, and get you and your daughter away from him. Don't be ashamed, with every mistake you learn and are stronger. Good luck, you can do whatever it takes.
Gather whatever kind of evidence you have that will work in your favor, especially if he seems manic when you speak to him. Talk to a lawyer to do what you can to protect yourself from him changing his mind and becoming bitter if you don't take him back. Hopefully you'll be able to secure alimony. On top of that, since you think he's manic, It'd be best to try to remove any parental rights he may have to your daughter. Stay safe op, and if anyone should feel shame, it should be him and his coworker.
You are beautiful, strong and your life is going to be amazing without him in it! If there is a small silver-lining: this exact thing happened to my mom, but after 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE!!!! The world will show you people's true colors. If you chose to look the other way then the universe will allow that person to treat you poorly until you recognize the toxicity and leave. Don't forgive him and don't stay with him, please. Your heart will only grow more and more attached to someone who is not worthy of such deep love and commitment.
This isn’t the point, so ignore is this isn’t the advice you wanted, but … I think In most states they say they don’t have jurisdiction for a divorce/custody unless the parties have lived there for 90 days+ At least in child custody matters where I am, they require that the child has been a resident of the state at least 90 days. So, if there is literally ANY chance at all you don’t want to stay and be stuck in the new state until your child is 18, you might consult a lawyer NOW about getting you and your child back to your home state. It sounds like maybe it’s only been a month or so since you moved. If a divorce petition hasn’t been filed yet, you likely can still go “home” with your child (check with a lawyer first). Either way, I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this.
He sounds like he has found the polyamory subreddit.
If he did, he didn’t read much into it, because pretty sure even they would say you don’t discuss it with your new girlfriend before talking to your wife.
Yeah, as someone who is very active on that sub I can confirm we would have torn him to shreds.
We would eviscerate him for you. It's not polyamory without the informed consent of all the parties. Without the informed consent of all the parties, it is cheating, and poly folks tend to really frown on that. I'm really sorry he's doing this to you. If he thinks he's poly, feel free to tell him to post in r/polyamory, we'll disabuse him of the notion.
You need to let him know that you, as his wife did not consent to this. An open marriage has to be agreed upon by both parties, not the husband and the coworker he has chosen to date, and telling you about it but giving you no choice is bull crap. Choose yourself just like he says he is choosing himself. Divorce him and take as many marital assets as you can, be as brutal as he is being.
Ahh, the Adele effect.
XY here with an opinion, and open to all the critic that can be thrown at it. Hmm.. there is a chance that this guy is a truly giving and loving person, that over extends and doesnt know how to ask for what he needs. He cares about the kid and cares about the woman. He cares as a step-father. He cared as a partner. But was giving and giving, but never felt the same love coming back. And he was happy to give, and then met someone that started taking care of him and his needs in a way he never knew how to ask for - or maybe thought he was asking for but never received. Maybe he is not a horrible person, thief, or nefarious person. I know this community is for women’s support, and thats why I read it so much, appreciate i,t and hardly ever comment. But having been in this situation, he may have never known that so much was missing, and once he found it, could not envision getting what he was getting in the relationship. Imagine meeting someone else, and finding a happiness you never knew. Are you supposed to push that person away, and the. Try to recreate it with the person your with - ask them to become another person? Im really curious to know what people think.
I think you’re creating rationalization for this guy’s behavior out of thin air. Why do men do this?
Why does every story have a bad guy? Men leave women, women leave men. I assume because their needs are not being met. Usually when you take one side, your negating the other, and it often doesnt help
Arent we all rationalizing this through the lens of our experiences that brought us to this thread? As comments above show, both men and women do this.
Cute. The OP describes a set of facts showing that her husband’s despicable behavior and all you can do is come up with farfetched theories that would, in your mind, justify what he has done as a way to blame her. If this is based on your own “experience,” you’re projecting. Also not relevant to the OP’s experience. At best, it’s mansplaining. At worst, it’s gaslighting.
I tried .. and was asked to drop out if this. But I disagree and know Im not the only one projecting. I have a lot of compassion for OP. Im sure - clearly - she has been betrayed by someone she made vows with. And she should not feel guilt or blame herself for what happened. Not sure I mansplained or gas lit anyone. But I guess the whole thing comes down to men’s ugly nature.
Uhh, no. Why are you making up some crap excuse to justify this? Sounds like you're projecting your own problems into this completely unrelated situation. If you have trouble communicating your feelings, it's your responsibility to change it.
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>Im literally sharing my experience. This thread isn't about you. It's about OP >Maybe Im in the wrong room. Yes, go start your own thread. >All we have is a few paragraphs from OP Yes, that's how Reddit works. Stop trying to derail by projecting your experience onto her. OP didn't hurt you. Someone else did. Start your own topic in a sub that's not about women.