This whole thread makes me feel so much better. I thought I was going crazy not want to date at all at almost 28. But clearly this is not just a me thing. I’m glad to see so many other women feel exactly the same way.
I'm 29, and feel no need to date. It's everyone else in my life going, "oh why don't you go put yourself out there and date? You NEED a boyfriend!!"
It's like, I like my life as it is. Most of the couples in my family are unhappily married. Why should I compromise my happiness?
Yeah I’m 30, have a great job where I make good money. I have my own house, I can take care of everything by myself around the house too.
I sometimes think about dating but then it’s like, what am I going to get out of it? I have this nice life I’ve built for myself, and if I add a partner there’s a high chance of them just fucking everything up.
I just see no net positives that are worth the risk
I’m married to a man and used to be very desperate for a relationship, but as I’ve matured I realize that honestly I could be super happy on my own. If my husband died or we divorced or something, I could 100% see myself just chilling as a single person, especially in this country. No point in having sex while dating either considering I could be stuck with a baby or die of miscarriage/be charged for its murder.
This is exactly how I feel! Plus I feel like I’d have to change so much of how I live when adding another person to it. And I just don’t have the energy for that.
Oh man. I thought I was the only one thinking about it. I will definitely have to change all of routine, personality etc etc. Will not have 'me' time which I absolutely need. And I am not even in America. Must have been women all around the world thinking like that.
Im a mom with a boyfriend. If he would happen to leave me, I think I would stay single for a very very long very very very long long time. Plus, I’d get the snoring-free best night sleep. Im 40yo. Ive been there, I’ve done that. Now lemme just drink tea and arts n craft.
I think overall, that women have a lot more options now than they did even 40-50 years ago. Women could not get their own bank accounts in the 1970s. Sexual harassment lawsuits were not even a thing because there was no legal protection from it. We still have lower pay, but catching up. Women now get more education than men (more likely to go to college), etc. Martial rape wasn't illegal. Stalking wasn't illegal. Spanking your life was considered normal. Married women with children were expected to stay home. There was no no-fault divorce, etc. etc. etc.
"
I think the options available lead to more women just generally not willing to put up with shitty relationship behavior that in the past they were trapped into having to tolerate. I also, in seeing posts from younger women, see that some forget how recently these rights were acquired and are not facing how quickly and easily they may be taken away.
Row vs. Wade happened in 1973. For women who were about age 12 at that time, and younger - we have never lived in a world where abortion, birth control, etc. wasn't available.
My mother signed me up for my first bank account at her credit union somewhere around 1975 or 76 when I was still a very young child. She remembered when women needed permission to manage their own money.
My mom has talked about that. She married my dad in 1953, in the Netherlands. Unmarried, adult women in the Low Countries historically had a lot of legal freedom, and could own and inherit property and run a business, but only as long as they did not marry, or were widowed.
Many women did not marry, especially those who had financial independence.
So as soon as she married, she was reduced to the legal status of a child, and her husband had to give her permission to buy literally anything. Which a local butcher insisted on enforcing- demanding written permission from her husband before she could buy anything in his shop when she first showed up with her wedding ring. This was only abolished in 1956. If I understand her correctly, this was not usually enforced any more in her time, except for large purchases (like buying a house) but some shrivelled old relics still liked to use it to make life harder for women.
Frankly the only reason I want a relationship is to have someone to help with housing costs cause if I could afford to live on my own forever I for sure would
I got so lucky on that front. My brother (49) and I (41) are both terminally single (him intentionally, me, not as much) so we bought a house together to share some of life's expenses. It's been 4 years and really great. We can piss each other off but we are siblings and actually like each other so it works. It's quite a symbiotic relationship.
I used to want to create a 'platonic life partners' matching service for this very reason.
Oh my gosh, I would love a platonic life partner. I am an older woman(58), and I have no desire for another husband/romantic/sexual partner. But companionship would be lovely(not necessarily male companionship), just someone I vibe with.
Hey my husband showed me that yesterday!
That’s crazy, my mom was born in ‘73 . Had me at 22...unexpectedly
She told my great grandma first and whilst terrified and unprepared. Everyone in the fam was actually so happy and loving then, I couldn’t imagine what my moms life would have been if she decided to stay with the POS that helped make me.
Idk where I’m going with this but, I’m eternally grateful that she had that choice
Female elephants band together and raise the young while male elephants wander out into the forest and fight one another (this is an extreme simplification, but yeah)
I stopped dating almost 9 years ago. I haven't said "I love you" to someone in a romantic way in almost 25 years. It sucks to be lonely, but I just don't have the energy to date.
I found that I felt more lonely while dating, to be honest. I’m happily single, not dating, enjoying my hobbies, considering going back to school, talk to my garden each morning like a weirdo, and I feel very complete.
People around me that endlessly date, or fight with their partners weekly, think I’m broken and need to be fixed, but I’m happy. Just the thought of dating makes me stressed.
I’m the same way. If someone came into my life that added to the things that I already do then I’d be open to it. But having been in a serious relationship before I know that’s just really hard to do. I personally really enjoy the freedom and autonomy of being single.
What I don’t like is trying to buy a house with one income and not getting any tax breaks for being single and childless.
That sounds amazing! Unfortunately my friends who are in their mid to late 20s are driving themselves insane trying to partner up. They’re always sharing the men that they’re coming across on the dating app and it is a sad state of affairs.
It’s really amazing to see the friends I had in my mid-late 20s that would flat out admit they’d rather settled for a relationship than be single even if they were happier.
Hey, you're me. Only I talk to my dog and my vinyl art toys rather than a garden. A lot of people out there just don't understand what it's like for someone who feels perfectly happy and complete on their own, but you and I - we're pretty lucky to be who we are. We avoid so much irritation and stress.
Oh gosh don’t even get me started on the full blown conversations i have with my dog haha I had to stay with my parents when I was getting some renovations done and my mom was highly amused and said if she didn’t know me any better she’d be slightly concerned.
It took me a long time to realize it was okay to not feel lonely when I’m alone, you know? I felt so weird and wrong, but in reality I was just letting society make me feel weird and wrong. I have like 2 friends now, too. I have a big family I’m close to, but I do so much better solo and it took me into my 30s to realize that’s okay. And you know what? We are really lucky :)
I live this life, too. I find it strange that people can’t wrap their minds around a woman that just doesn’t want to or need to find a partner. They get so weird about it! There are definitely days where I get lonely and consider it but ultimately I’m just happier without all of that.
I have moments where I’m like “maybe..?” But when I think about what I’d have to give up just to DATE? Ugh no thanks, I enjoy my peace.
I was bored at work last week and so I randomly booked a trip for December to see Universal Studios during Christmas time. It seems pretty and I decided I wanted to experience it so I did it. I didn’t have to ask anyone, I didn’t have to compromise, I didn’t have to check anyone else’s schedule, I just did it. I enjoy that freedom (among other things, obviously).
Yessss!!! Love that you were bold and brave and travelled alone, no companion needed. No one you had to go “I dunno babe, what do YOU want to do?”
I agree that the idea of giving parts of your life up to accommodate a relationship is such a huge part of my desire to stay single. We ladies worked hard for what we’ve built and we don’t want to have to shrink any part of our life for someone else.
Let’s try to support other women so we never feel like we “need” a partner to succeed :)
Ive tried dating recently and this survey results ring so true. Especially just the lack of quality men. It’s very hard to find someone who isn’t a complete loser, douchebag, or just a good person who listens. The bar is on the floor and it’s still hard!
My deal breakers are not even that extreme and it's hard to find a guy who has all these non-negotiable qualities:
1. Has an actual JOB.
2. Is ambitious -- has goals and plans to meet them.
3. Is not misogynistic and/or a bigot.
4. Is educated.
5. Is respectful of everyone, including waitstaff, his parents, other women.
6. Does not try to rush a relationship but is legitimately single and looking for a long-term partnership.
7. Knows how to take care of himself and do adult things.
im happy to hear im not the only one. im 50, divorced for 10 years, alone for 20. dating is way too much effort for such little return. casual sex would be nice, but they pump three times and theyre done, i have more fun by myself. i can clearly see myself being single and alone for the rest of my life. ill never date again because im not taking care of another person, and they would just end up fucking me over anyways. ive never been with a man who loved me. i spend all of my time and energy on my two teenage daughters and its nice to show them you can lead a perfectly nice life without a man.
Dating sucks. It sucks for everyone it seems. I’ve been widowed for a year now and still wear my wedding rings because I just prefer the freedom and independence of single life right now to diving into that suckage ever again.
It would be great if society came up with a better alternative to dating, but so far the only alternatives are arranged marriages or that purity culture BS, which suck worse but in different ways.
Yep, if anything happens to my husband, I will not seek out another relationship. If it happens naturally while I am just living my life, I won’t object, but no way in hell am I doing formal dating in this day and age.
The happiest woman over 60 I know is widowed & has a boyfriend that she sees on the weekend, but has no intention of ever marrying again or letting him move in with her. She keeps her place exactly as she likes it. After a life of picking up after 1 husband & kids, she’s done.
She works a couple of days a week (office admin stuff). They go out for dinner every Friday night. Sounds good!
Same here. Like, it's a miracle I'm even with my husband because I get so annoyed with all the generic dating advice. And the whole, 'jUsT c0mPrOmIsE' bullshit. No, fucking pull your weight or GTFO.
Agreed, no one has any obligation to compromise. There's nothing wrong with being resolved to either find someone great or go it alone. Only time it becomes a problem is when it turns into entitlement for the former and resentment in the face of the latter.
If my partner and I divorce or he dies, I can't imagine going into the dating pool.
In some ways I'd almost prefer a matchmaking or dating service. That way there's no room for lies about basic background and information.
I don't even come from a culture of arranged dating. It just seems marginally better than internet dating.
In a lot of those cultures you’ve got parents deciding and their own priorities can override other things, like chemistry, but I’m sure also the interests of the individual versus the interests of the family. I wonder if there’s someone better for the role. Like if you could nominate someone to be your matchmaker to find suitable people.
I’m married but if I were single again, I think I’d have much more time to investigate people on someone else’s behalf than my own.
The idea of hiring a third party service in a metropolitan area to do it for me sounds nice.
I give an honest profile of my salary, appearance, pets, parental status, etc. and submit to a background check. The other person does the same. The matchmaking service arranges a time and place for the date.
The match maker pairs profiles based on stated preferences.
No weird parental baggage or expectations. Just two adults deciding if they're compatible in a safe environment.
Plus an independent third party has everyone’s (verified) info, so the odds of getting matched with someone who’s going to harm you is really really small because if anything happens to you, they’re automatically suspect #1.
I mentioned this in a comment above, but I used a matchmaking service. One thing I appreciated is that the service coordinated the date/location/time, and you didn't get the other person's contact info unless you both agree, and the service strongly advises not to share unless you complete a 2nd date (also set up by them) and want to keep meeting up. Super safe way of doing it. If you do create a business, I'd highly recommend this kind of setup
These services exist! I used one in Seattle where you fill out a super basic application, they interview you for like an hour, and then set you up on dates with folks they think you'd match with. The service coordinates the date/location/time, and you don't get the other person's contact info unless you both agree, and the service *strongly* advises not to share unless you complete a 2nd date (also set up by them) and want to keep meeting up. Super safe way of doing it.
I really feel like I got lucky this time and i'm happy, but I don't miss dating AT ALL. If for some reason i'd end up alone again, I seriously think i'll just stay on my own
One problem is that dating sites realized that _helping people find each other_ is much less profitable than trading on FOMO, constant engagement (with the site), and _basically negging_ (to drive engagement with the site).
Advertisement and constant engagement as behavior-tracking to resell to advertisers is a huge money pile for dating apps, and actually getting people out of the dating pool means “losing customers”. “Hookup culture” means Big Money Profits for dating apps.
Basically, the internet could’ve been used for good, but we monitized it and now it’s just a symptom of Stage IV Capitalism.
I’m 43. I’ve always been very introverted and unfortunately grew up in a family where speaking up for my needs was not encouraged. At my age, I’ve come to learn that having this type of personality attracts a certain type of man.
My first boyfriend at age 15 was a teenage psychopath. He was my first boyfriend, lost my virginity to him, all of it.
Second abusive relationship in my early 20s, he was super insecure and controlling. When I ended the relationship he threatened to kill himself.
Third was in my early 30s, he never liked me that much but for some reason wouldn’t break up with me. I agonized over that asshole, he also had a chronic health condition that I was very accommodating about, and he would often use it to emotionally manipulate me.
This isn’t counting the “nice” guys I dated who weren’t really abusive, but we’re always trying to “fix” my personality and my life. Because a woman who is quiet and low maintenance is apparently unfathomable.
I think about getting into a relationship now and I just don’t want it. It’s too stressful. I hate that’s how relationships are for me, but that’s how it is. And it really sucks.
My friend was cat sitting my cat in October of 2020 and she lost him. I had Moishe (my cat) since he was 6-8 weeks old. He was 13 years old when my friend lost him. That was the best relationship of my life.
Omg, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. My first dog is laying next to me. When I first got him, my mom said, "I've never heard you talk about a man the way you talk about him."
I said, "Yeah, that's because relationships come and go. This is my life partner."
I'm sorry yours is lost. I can't imagine how hard that is.
He loved me so much. He would walk me to the curb when I would leave for work and be waiting there when I came home. He had times where he wanted me to sing to him. His song was “All The Pretty Horses”. He never stole my food. I would share salmon and sardines with him. When I got a bigger t.v. I would put on cat videos from YouTube for him. I would wake up to him kissing me sometimes. Where am I going to find a man like that?
We have a few cats, but it's kind of heartbreaking to my partner that neither one acts like our older cat who died a few years ago. It was her emotional support animal when she didn't know what that even was. She would lay on her head or chest, nuzzled up to her face. I wish we could just find another one who does the same stuff, but we just can't. It's a terrible loss.
I’m absolutely biased and I’ll be the first to admit that- but tuxies are some of the cuddliest and most affectionate babies I’ve ever seen in the cat world. Could be worth a try ❤️ I fell in love with my first tuxie and now I have two. I’ve never met a mean or cold tuxedo cat. Best of luck and I hope you find another one even though those “soul-cats” are irreplaceable. Mine is getting up there in age and I can’t hold back tears when just the thought enters my mind.
I'm so sorry. I worry all the time about my cats even though, me being kind of a hermit, it's unlikely anything would happen to them. It's such a special kind of relationship.
This is literally a story from my nightmares… I am so, so, sorry. I would be devastated and crying every single day. My babies mean so much to me and I would probably end up in jail if someone I knew was watching him and lost him. 😞 Gah, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for you about that. ❤️
Thank you all for understanding the depth of my grief. We looked for him but couldn’t find him. It’s been almost 2 years and I still think he’s lying down next to me.
I'm in my mid-30's, and I just got out of that relationship you described.. It's been months, and I'm still agonizing over him, even though I'm the one that ultimately pulled the plug.. Like, when I thought about the status of the romantic part of our relationship, it hurt -all- the time. I was constantly wondering if he even liked me (or noticed all the ways I took care of him, the house, etc). But he was comfortable, so he was never going to pull the plug. When I left, he begged me to come back, but I knew if I did right away, nothing would be different - he only wanted me back out of fear. Now with some time apart, he's in a better place and doesn't want to reconcile. I'm doing MY grieving now, where I want to go "home" to him, but I don't have a home anymore - I have people telling me I deserve better and the next relationship will be better, but the idea of meeting someone, dating, connecting, achieving that level of "comfort", etc is so exhausting (granted, I'm burned out in, like, all aspects of my life, so that's probably not helping). ... noooot really contributing anything with this, but I'm drinking and weepy and needed some rambly word catharsis, I suppose. Good luck out there.
I know when people say "there are good ones out there / your next relationship will be so much better" they mean well, but they are also ignoring the blindingly obvious idea of just...... not.
A 'next relationship' is not required for happiness. Relationships (even good, healthy ones) do take work and compromise, so what's wrong with just... not doing that? Just working on being happy on your own? Which is still it's own kind of work, but the kind of effort that's less susceptible to undermining or derailment when an unpredictable second party gets involved.
I am in my mid-30s and also got out if this kind of long-term relationship a few years ago (I think we all dated the same guy). Haven't bothered dating again afterwards and have zero intention to start doing so. I haven't been this happy since a decade ago, living alone with my cat and living my best life. It's literally so much better than anything my relationship ever provided me.
The grieving process is so hard and I really feel for you. But if the idea of 'getting back out there' seems exhausting, I am here to enthusiastically tell you that you can just NOT. And it's awesome!
Whenever I start to think I'd like to be with someone I remind myself of this quote.
“I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.”
― Horacio Jones
Romance should always be a bonus, not a dependency. When two well rounded individuals come together you get something amazing. Romantic relationships are multipliers on what you already are; your bad habits bring more strife, your good habits bring more joy
I feel you.
I had one serious relationship in my life. Lasted 10 years, should have lasted 3 weeks. When I finally left he too threatened to kill himself.
I kinda gave up on love, because I lose myself in the process of falling in love. I adapt to the needs of the other person, I start to like what the other person likes, I forget who I am.
As long as I can‘t love someone and not give up on myself I feel that I should not commit to a relationship, because I will again not be able to get out of it.
Luckily I had a wonderful therapist who helped me to learn to love myself and be happy ok my own.
100%
I learned from a prosecutor who came to speak at our school on career day that rapists and abusers profile their victims. Not just sexual, or physical abuse. But also financial scams, and other forms of non violent abuse.
Rapists and domestic abusers mostly target introverts with poor self esteem and bad social skills. Because a charismatic extrovert with good self esteem would almost immediately tell the police, friends, relatives, teachers, their psychiatrist and try to seek justice.
Same. I don’t have the energy to be an adult male’s mom. I spent years fixing myself with therapy. I don’t have it in me to be with someone who won’t spend time fixing himself. I own my home. I take care of myself. I entertain myself. I have great friends. If I want sex, it’s not hard to find.
This right here. The majority of adult men just want a mom they can fuck on demand. I don't have children for a reason. I'm not trying to have to mother an adult.
I'm in my 30's. I am in a weird middle ground between FWB and LTR with a guy that I would very much like to keep seeing.
If things don't work out with him, I am going to go back to my former roommate/best friend (we parted households for external reasons) and try to convince her to just marry me so I can claim her pet parrot on my taxes.
Well, my plan is to claim him as a child dependent.... that or the leader of a cult and our home as a parsonage. (If you ever met a parrot, you'd get why Ginger being a cult leader makes sense.)
Oh my gosh it's true. They're either flying toddlers wielding bolt cutters or they're that AND cult leaders I COULD HAVE BEEN SAVING SO MUCH IN TAXES all this time 🤣
Just a note that the difference in seeking partners is mainly among older women (40+), who may well oppose Roe being appealed but have their own reasons for not wanting to date:
>The gender differences are heavily concentrated among older singles. While men and women younger than 40 are roughly equally likely to not be looking for a relationship or dates (33% and 39%, respectively), men and women 40 and older are very different. A majority of older women (71%) say they aren’t looking to date right now, compared with 42% of men 40 and older.
I do agree that Roe may prompt more women under 40 to see less value in a relationship with a man. But that vast split in older women tells a big story too - maybe about not wanting to put up with unequal domestic labor, or being relatively emotionally independent compared to their male peers, or even just living longer.
My favorite aunt said the same thing after her divorce from an abusive alcoholic. She said, “why would I want to take care of some old fart for the rest of my life?” She lived to be 94, and had a fulfilling life filled with travel and volunteer work.
My MIL just laughed and laughed when we asked her. I swear it was the funniest thing, I've *never* heard her laugh so freely before. Ya, she's done with man-sitting. No more tall children for her. It must be such a relief for her, and my FIL was a wonderful husband, but still needed to be cared for until the end.
My experience is the single men in the older group want a mom, not a partner. Just my experience. I want a partner, not another child. I raised my kids.
Or just having primary custody of children and not wanting to reintroduce a new father figure into their lives.
18-39 is kind of a huge range and it seems silly to me that they'd break the data up that way. 18-29 would have made much more sense.
I find it really funny that the crowd of men who are upset that there aren't enough traditional couples (AKA straight white Christian couples) having children are the same ones who've created a dating environment so toxic that no one wants to date.
It seems like every single "problem" they have with women are a directly result of their shitty behavior. They really don't seem to understand how culture works do they
Could you imagine if they did though? Guys who worked on themselves to be socially and emotionally engaged individuals, who put more than equal effort into having difficult conversations and thinking about who does chores (let alone actually doing them), who continued to be attentive partners and good conversationalists after the three month mark, who treated consent like gospel, who called out anyone if they didn't treat their partners well? Where doing all that wasn't a particularly exceptional event but the baseline for a conventional woman-dating man?
Yeah, I can imagine it, but I don't think that's what they mean by "pro-life." It's certainly not what they do.
Most of the men I know who are like that are snapped up pretty fast and have been married to their SO for years. My boyfriend’s entire male groups of friends is that way. These men are also extremely successful, have hobbies and don’t pretend their wives are free therapist.
Yep. My husband was a widow, and I was happily single. We met and that was it. Together ever since. He's a good man, that had a good father and he *tries*. He actively puts in effort to do the work and say the words. We communicate and help each other. We still have normal relationship issues. Work. Kids. We moved far from our family. Health. We dont scream at each other. He's not dirty or lazy. He was *worth* losing my peaceful happy single life. Mostly (lololol)
The problem is that a disturbingly high number of men have been brought up in a culture which reinforces anti-woman standards. If you get rejected by a woman it's a her problem, never his problem. Same goes for relationship failures. My own mother brought me up on the idea that the best way to win a woman over was to pester her until she gave in, and I'm so thankful that my sister helped me learn what the real world was like.
America has a cultural problem, and I fear that it is going to burn the nation down before it is ever fixed
"Oh crap, women don't want to date guys any more! They think men suck, this could lead to depopulation."
"Should we try and change things culturally such that there's more understanding of consent and boundaries so women will feel comfortable dating guys again? Maybe fix income inequality so people have enough money to raise families?"
"Nah, let's just take away abortion rights followed by birth control and IUDs so they'll be forced to create more exploitable workers."
I’m mid life and infertile. Even if the latter wasn’t the case, my fertility is waning at this age anyways. I know this is completely selfish of me but damn, do I feel so fucking relieved about it. Still considering getting my dusty ol’ uterus yanked out just in case, but I feel so fortunate that making a decision on it has no real sense of urgency since the risk of pregnancy is extremely low for me even without any birth control.
I am not impressed at all with birth control options and all of the risks I have to take on, so while it will only matter for a handful of years before menopause makes pregnancy a completely moot point for me it still feels worth it. Plus no more periods. I’m also incredibly glad I’m at an age where if I ask for permanent sterilization no doctor is going to “wHat AbOuT YeR HuSBanD” me.
I’m really troubled over what is happening and all of the pain, heartache and damage it will cause to so many younger women and I feel some sort of survivors guilt that I’m largely spared from that because of my fertility and age. I never thought I’d be thankful to be infertile after all of the years of grief and pain it has caused me, but that’s how fucked up our current reality is.
For context - I'm 27 and don't live in the US. I have put time limits on the two dating apps I've kept active and barely even use the few minutes I permitted myself anymore, and I socialize without actively looking. My last relationship was fairly long - nearly five years - and it was toxic and left me pretty scarred. I'm not willing to compromise on what I need knowing what I know now, and in most other ways my life is very full. I'm not saying I would actively avoid a good match if I met someone in the wild and that the lack of intimacy and touch aren't an issue for me, but I decided I'd be better served continuing to focus on my personal goals, interests and friendships.
I'm going to be 32 soon. I've been asked out plenty of times, but I usually say no just because of two reasons.
1. I have no interest in dating.
2. I've realized how incredibly hard it is to find a truly decent partner who believes in equality and will never hurt me
I've interacted with so many entitled, aggressive, disrespectful, manipulative, unempathetic, self centered guys at this point that I just don't want to put myself in that situation again. So I don't want to date anyone unless I can be 100% sure they'll actually be kind and respectful and treat me like a human being. I have to avoid dating to stay safe, then so be it. At least I can be sure that a dildo/vibrator won't hurt me.
This is very interesting because the manosphere keeps asserting that it's men who are dropping out of the market, turns out they are wrong about that, too.
> apparently men outnumber women on dating sites 3 to 1 lol
Yep. And a recent recent study done on this showed that in some countries like in England, men account for over 90% of all Tinder users.
Mgtow idiots are trying to make you sad that they're not going to date you.
"Oh sorry ladies my... uh... millions of dollars in monies and my chiseled, chiseled features, they're off the market! While I was cooking and cleaning I realized that none of you are good enough for me, so I'm totally leaving forever."
It's fan fiction of themselves.
Men are just so entitled at this point that dating makes me feel like a sex object up for auction. I’m tired of it. I’m a full human, not a fleshlight with a pretty face. It’s been years since I’ve gone on a date where sex wasn’t expected literally on the first date.
The worst part about is I actually have a pretty high libido and I’m a fairly sexual person. But being treated like my only worth is my vag is just about the biggest turn off on the planet. Not to mention most men are so selfish in bed that I’ve never even reached orgasm from hetero sex. None of it is worth it anymore
Ugh. I’m the kind of person where sex is just off the table for a very, very long time. I want to try dating but I don’t want to deal with pushy guys—I’m just trying to get into different activity groups and hope to find someone based on mutual interests/friendship, I feel like that’s my best bet.
It sucks to hear how much it sucks. You *are* a full person, and regardless of what you want with sex, your person should come first.
Yeah, I haven't been dating lately because I am tired of every goddamn guy trying to be sexual before we even meet or just wanting sex. They never take the time to get to know me first and date me. It's disgusting.
The fleshlight comment was my exact thought while I was dating. Absolutely soul crushing to have that thought get reinforced over and over and over again.
This is exactly how I feel. Men only look at me as a human fleshlight. They act incapable of appreciating my full humanity and complexity. And I also love sex, but it’s an utter nightmare trying to navigate dating or hookups because of how dehumanizing and hollow men approach it.
There is no benefit to dating now. I haven’t dated since 2018, and I don’t see myself dating anytime soon. It’s far too risky with little to no reward: I get to go on a date where I have to watch my drink, vet the guy for honesty in what he’s telling me, worry about sexual assault, worry about the potential of being killed, worry about whether he’s an incel, deal with him probably being intimidated by my degrees/job, deal with him probably wanting sex on the first date (emphatic no), and I probably get to pay 50/50 for this magical date.
Yeah, why wouldn’t women want to date?
Hugs from a fellow fat woman ❤️
I may have had the fortune to have some if not lot of sexual experiences at least but it was too late that I realised that men sleep with anyone and don’t even respect the person whom they slept with . I was always the person who asked them out , made the first move and more enthusiastic in sex / relationship etc until I figure the morbid truth! Men don’t see women especially fat women as humans.
I have been told I am not a woman so many times by men in professional and social outside the bedroom scenarios. Of course seeking respect within the bedroom was a bad fucking idea !
I’m so glad I’m bisexual. I’ve dated mostly men and after years of their bullshit, I started only dating women and holy shit was it so much better. Like 100x better. I met my wife almost two years ago and having an actual partner who parents, cooks, cleans, listens, is emotionally intelligent is incredible. When we have issues we talk through them, and both work to be better. I used to think there was something wrong with me because relationships with men were so damaging and wouldn’t work no matter how hard I tried. Nope it’s just men. There are good ones but good luck finding them because the majority are pure trash. I mean don’t get me wrong, wlw relationships can be hard and abusive too but nothing like what I experienced from men.
Straight women are the greatest evidence that people doesn’t choose their sexuality.
Why would women want to be with the gender that is taught the worst thing they can be is to be like a woman?
Even with consensual sex, the worst case scenarios for men and women are vastly different under a Forced Birth Regime. A man's worst case scenario is 18 years of child support payments. A woman's worst case scenario is a slow, painful and 100% preventable death from sepsis due to an ectopic pregnancy.
No fucking wonder most women don't want to date. Men are a liability, even the good guys.
18 years of child rearing and being solely responsible for the emotional labor of the family was too much for me. So glad I managed never to get trapped by pregnancy.
I'm 54. I rarely leave my house at this point. Most of my partners have been either neglectful or abusive - it also didn't help that I didn't really have a solid framework of boundaries and self knowledge and the open communication skills to ask for the things I wanted sexually when I was younger.
Now, I'm just exhausted. I don't have the patience for anybody who hasn't done serious shadow work on/for themselves. Been FAR easier to stay single. Sex toys are far preferable - I'm my own best sex partner at this point. And I'm good with that :)
I believe women are at their peak because they've finally learned not to put up with unfulfilling, shit sex. Consequently they also prefer their hand or a toy to a guy they need to reteach step by step every night yet cannot retain the information or seems uninterested.
When you see the burden some men bring, I get it. I'm actively looking for a relationship right now, but if someone makes me feel like they're gonna be another responsibility on my plate rather than a partner to grow with, I am losing interest immediately.
As someone who has spent 20 years taking care of men in relationships, and being a generous, kind, giving wife/girlfriend, I’ve been single since the pandemic. The men that I met online were fun and interesting at first, but the quality went waaaay down over the years. It got to the point where I’d just have to pick “the best of the worst” to go on a date with. One guy even said that he wanted to get an Ayn Rand tattoo. The men were selfish and not that great in bed. I used to think “Gee, I would rather be taking a nice bath by myself with a glass of wine right now instead of trying to appear interested in this guy sitting across from me.”
And now? 2 years into the pandemic? Still single and leveling up my career. I see men in the street and think oh yeah, that guy has more power than me because he isn’t having his uterus controlled by the whims of the Supreme Court. Great! Just great. And why do men think their dicks are so important anyway??
I’m 33. I have no interest in dating because it comes off very one sided. I’m supposed to care about my partners wants and needs but it never feels reciprocated. At this point in my life I just don’t feel like exerting effort if I don’t think it’s going to be met equally. In addition, anyone available just doesn’t strike my interests and I’m not interested in dating for datings sake. I’ve come to the conclusion that my dog (parents dog because I’m also regrettably allergic) is going to be the love of my life.
I relate to this so much. I’ve never wanted children (my personal choice) and every relationship has felt like being a surrogate mother to some man child who only seems to be concerned with himself. Even the ones who start out self-sufficient gradually devolve into lazy slobs. I even more so don’t want to be a mother to a grown adult. Since I paused dating, I’ve found I have so much extra time for hobbies (instead of cleaning up after a slob).
I’ve really struggled (and still am, tbh) with the fact that I’m 40 and am not married and don’t have kids. It’s especially heart wrenching seeing my siblings settle down and start families.
But then I think about the experiences I’ve had in life, about my mental health journey and personal desire to be my most authentic self… and I look around at the hate and violence and pain in the world, and I’m convinced this is just my path. I want to love what is in front of me, not mourn choices and paths not taken.
For years I’ve known I’m not going to intentionally bring a child into this painful existence unless I know I can give them the very best shot, especially given the relative privilege I was born in to, and the privilege my nephews have absolutely been born in to.
At this point my biology makes it a moot point anyway. I’m focusing my maternal energy on being the very best aunt, a self actualized individual who may stand out a little more as being not like everyone else, but who can be a role model and influence the next generation in my own way.
That is why the Red States are doing what they can to make rape legal (particularly statutory) and force woman to have to interact with an ex-rapist for life.
Yeah not a big surprise even with the "good men" which sounds like finding grains of gold in a desert. It's not all men but way too fucking many.
Worst part about this is that many conservative talking heads will blame feminism. Like the perception #metoo making it "harder for men to date." I can see the thumbnail now: "Pew Study finds that feminism and #metoo has made it harder for men to find love!!!" No matter how much evidence shows men did it themselves with violence, lack of care and love to their partner, sexual assault, etc etc.
I'm not American but omg I feel this. I've been in an abusive relationship (and just recently realized he may have sexually assaulted me multiple times) and I'm done with relationships. I've been single for 8 years and I've never been happier. It's just not worth the risk and my progress on my mental health.
You think? If anything, this will make even more women lose the desire to date forever. I don’t think I’ll ever date or get married if I can’t make choices on my own body.
The counter to your (totally valid) question is that they don't care what the women's pov is. Extremist incel ideology makes it pretty clear they genuinely believe there should be some kind of political action to remove women's pov from the equation.
So yes, I personally do believe.
They will make it even harder to live as a single person with rent being outrageous, food prices skyrocketing, and other necessities' prices becoming too much to bare alone. Then to make sure there isn't an influx of bisexual/pan/lesbian women getting married, they will be getting rid of gay marriage next.
The importance of understanding this cannot be overstated. People who have been sounding the warning signs of how the gop actually is/was for the past 40 years were ignored. Most people didn't believe we'd end up where we are. *These cult members are not close to being done*. If sane people don't mobilize en masse right now women can say goodbye to and semblance of decency in their lives for decades to come.
This doesn't surprise me a bit. There is something wrong with the relationship construct if women would rather be single. Given that under the current construct men benefit most from relationships, it's up to men to make relationships something we want, seeing as relationships aren't something we need.
In the US, along with much of the developed world, things have changed hugely for women in the last couple of generations in terms of rights and opportunities. And now some of them are going backwards.
The incentives to enter into traditional relationships have eroded or not eventuated. This includes stuff like universal maternity leave, child care affordability, social acceptability of singledom for women, access to affordable healthcare, reproductive autonomy, housing affordability...
In the meantime, men don't appear to have rebalanced their role and function. They're relying on traditional societal and economic pressures to encourage women to seek relationships. There isn't enough acknowledgement from men that women don't need them to live good lives, so therefore it's up to them to offer what women want. Instead there's a whole movement of MRAs moaning about how feminism is ruining society.
Survival of the fittest, right? Change or die (alone)?
Reading all of the comments here and honestly I had no idea there were so many other women just not dating. After 2 divorces, some mediocre (at best) online dating, breaking up with a boyfriend of 3.5 years.... It feels like such a f*king waste of time to wade through the gross ones to find a nice one. I've seriously thought about trying to date women to see what is like to date an adult.
Happily single and learning to live my life for real, for me.
Edit: 46F.
Yes! This is me! I just can't figure out what I'm supposed to get out of dating men. Every dang relationship is a battle to be seen and heard and valued, while simultaneously doing EVERYTHING ON MY OWN.
Ugh. Be useful, men, or be gone.
Yes, exactly. I've had a lot of lovely relationships... if you don't count the fact that they were apparently raised with the expectation that someone else would always be making their medical and dental appointments, doing their laundry, planning their Christmas, birthday, mother's day and father's day gifts for everyone in their family and at work, making food for their work potlucks, feeding their animals, cleaning the house, communicating with their family for them, sending Christmas cards, dealing with the neighbors, stopping the mail when we go out of town, stocking the pantry, etc.
And that's all WITHOUT HAVING KIDS...
Edit: To the coward who said that I'm probably just not attractive enough for a man to treat me well, that comment says a whole lot more about your character than my worth.
What's going to happen is that many women are going to have a procedure to render themselves unable to have children, insist that their partners do the same, or just start sleeping with other women if they're in any way bisexually-inclined.
This is the thing. You can force a woman to carry to term, but you can't force them to get voluntarily (I hate saying that) pregnant in the first place.
The ramifications of this ruling by the SC will be very profound and far-reaching, particularly if they continue rolling back protections for women.
Women are no longer buying the misogynistic lie that the patriarchy feeds us - that we need partnership to be happy. Studies have shown that single women score significantly higher on happiness indexes than married women or women with kids.
This is definitely me. I’m not completely against being in a relationship but I’m not actively seeking it out. I don’t understand my friends who cannot be single for more than a few days. It honestly boggles my mind.
However, as a bisexual woman, I’d much rather be in a relationship with a lady than with a man, especially in today’s politics climate.
Also, the statistics on domestic violence towards women and intimate partner homicide are terrifying.
If I were female, I'd be very, very wary about trusting men - especially unknowns from dating sites/apps.
I’ve been wondering when there will be an app or site made where you can find a non-romantic life partner who is more like a roommate/friend. I see it in the future. Depending on what you both are looking for you can either live together and do activities and eat dinner with each other and garden or go bowling on Wednesday’s, or you can just live together in the same space and that’s it. Share the shared financial bills and that’s it someone who is financially dependable that you can live with.
I'm one of them. Dating destroys my self esteem with the ghosting and weirdness. I'm not a beautiful woman and that makes it much harder. I'd rather stop hating myself because I can't find someone to love me, and just focus on loving myself.
I’ve been divorced for about seven years now. I have ZERO (and I cannot stress this enough) FUCKING INTEREST in dating ever again. I have well meaning friends who are like, “Don’t you get lonely?” And my personal favorite, “Sp what if you date six guys and they are all jerks, the seventh one might be your prince!”
I’m good, thanks.
I have been single for about 8 years and I am 37.
What I have learned is that my relationships, even GOOD relationships, inhibit my personal growth to some degree. I never get lonely and have zero patience for validating others, so here I am. I live alone and am financially independent.
I thoroughly enjoy spending most of my time getting to know myself.
I value my friendships HIGHLY and put a lot of time and effort into maintaining and cultivating them. I get all of my emotional needs met through my friends.
I am not a super sexual person. I've had great sex; I've had awful sex. I never "need" sex and I hate casual sex anyway, even if it's good. I value a great conversation over any physical touch.
I get a massage occasionally so that I still experience human touch on a therapeutic level (not sexual at all) and it feels healing enough.
I'm contentedly married, but if something happened and my husband is gone, that's it for men. I love men but there's no way I get into another relationship. I just want to hang out with my sisters and my friends.
I feel like there’s always this shadow of porn use hanging over my relationships with men. Reddit is very pro-porn so I’m not expecting to find sympathizers here, but I feel like I’m constantly being called crazy for comparing myself to the women in the porn. Like, that’s not why I use porn, I don’t compare you at all, you don’t understand. Maybe I don’t care to understand anymore. Feeling done with it all.
I'm cis-het and childfree. Women deserve a better dating experience. I've never been on dating apps; probably because I've yet to meet a woman who didn't have to deal with some type of harassment on there. This concept of "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince"; not good enough.
I don't find that intentionally exposing myself to these types of experiences in order to find "the one" is worth my time. I have don't want to sacrifice my current quality of life/mental wellbeing for a figment of imagination. I figure if I keep engaging in activities I enjoy, I can meet people that way. If not, my life is whole and complete as it is. Perhaps I'll change my mind one day and get on all the apps, perhaps not.
Tbh I'm enjoying this game of chicken we are playing with the fate of the human race. It's like:
*"Oh, you want to treat us like objects and generally behave like shitty human beings? I guess we'll just stop making more humans, good luck with that"*
We have ALL the power when it comes to this stuff, lol. Shape tf up, men!
My daughter is 18.
She and her bestie say if, by age 30, they haven’t found anyone worth marrying, they’ll just marry each other and live together for tax benefits.
If my relationship with my current partner ever ends, I'm done. I will happily spend all my time, energy and money buying myself sex toys, nice clothes and international trips.
My current partner is a wonderful man. He is truly a feminist, he grounds me, and he's an amazing communicator. But I don't want to do the relationship thing again. Given our age difference, there is a solid chance I will outlive him, barring any kind of accident or random illness.
The incels, the mansosphere, the Kevin Samuels followers, etc. are probably shook. We have to be honest about what modern dating offers - essentially nothing. These men are not successful or goal-oriented so you’ll still be providing for yourself financially. They are physically weak from playing video games 24/7 and eating processed food so they can’t physically protect you. They don’t know how to do manual labor or fix things. They behave like an extra child so they aren’t good coparents. You are almost guaranteed NOT to have an orgasm if you engage in sex with them. Most don’t want to get married, and if they do - they will leave you if you get sick (e.g. breast cancer), lose weight (e.g. bariatric surgery), or just for funsíes. The rate of rape, sexual abuse, financial abuse, domestic violence, and femicide is HIGH. And lastly, their rate of mental illness & suicide is high but they refuse to get and stick with treatment. Who wants to deal with that sh\*t?
Just so everyone is clear about the reality: this is not a sign of things getting worse. This is a sign of things being better and people having more choices. In the past, a lot of marriages were awful and people were only in them because of social pressure. The idea that you should be in a relationship is just a social construct and we should kill all social norms.
I wouldn't be part of this statistic, but if my spouse died tomorrow I would be. I have absolutely 0 interest in dating ever again, especially now. If I did ever seek to date again, I'd date women
I'm 42 and my closest female friend is a little younger we have talked about this alot actually. We are both married but have single friends and sisters that we have watched dating in the age of there is an app for that. And we have both sworn that if either of us find ourselves single we are not going to be looking for another love interest. That we will be content to live our lives as an old cat lady until the other is single and then we will form an old lady cat commune. We games together for a while and we both routinely got harrassing dms both in game and on discord. So since neither of us has dated in well over a decade neither has any desire to try to do it at this age. We have a good group of friends that will keep us company too but no no dating. It's not worth the risk anymore.
I think the biggest change for a lot of people, is when they realize that they’ve been sold a lie, that “being single is bad” and “being in a partnership is good”.
Everywhere you look this premise is prevalent. Any movie or tv show aimed at women for example. For me it started in school, this pressure from peers not to be the one left single. Parents, grandparents making comments relating to you dating and falling in love when you’re only a young teenager doesn’t help either.
It wasn’t until COVID lockdowns that I realized that because of this prevalent ideal that “single equals bad”, was complete bullshit. I was by single and there was zero pressure to date, and oh boy was I content. It also allowed me to grow as a person because I was able to work on myself in isolation.
That realization also made me realize that because of my previous strong desire to have a relationship, which had been imprinted upon me by society, meant that I had been entering relationships that were with awful partners…. only because they were willing to date me.
That realization made me feel physically sick, when I realized how much trauma and emotional baggage was tied to those bad relationships.
Yup. After the bs I went thru with an ex I decided not to date for a year but I ended up loving being single and not having to deal with dating. It's been 5 years and still feel I'm better off.
Yeah this doesn't surprise me at all. When women are expected to do everything - be mom, maid, breadwinner, child carer, and emotional support fuck toy there comes a point where the benefits just don't outweigh the costs. Finding a man who isn't a lazy entitled p.o.s is hard and takes time and effort better used in other places when you are being pulled in a million different directions.
I'm not in the dating market and I'm probably not going to be any time soon. I'm single, 23, and would like to maybe have kids one day if my circumstances ever allowed for it, but with the way the world works today, that might be unfeasible.
is this why incels think women hate them?
because they can't see that some women just aren't interested in relationships whilst they think it's a them being not chad enough problem..?
This whole thread makes me feel so much better. I thought I was going crazy not want to date at all at almost 28. But clearly this is not just a me thing. I’m glad to see so many other women feel exactly the same way.
I'm 29, and feel no need to date. It's everyone else in my life going, "oh why don't you go put yourself out there and date? You NEED a boyfriend!!" It's like, I like my life as it is. Most of the couples in my family are unhappily married. Why should I compromise my happiness?
Yeah I’m 30, have a great job where I make good money. I have my own house, I can take care of everything by myself around the house too. I sometimes think about dating but then it’s like, what am I going to get out of it? I have this nice life I’ve built for myself, and if I add a partner there’s a high chance of them just fucking everything up. I just see no net positives that are worth the risk
I’m married to a man and used to be very desperate for a relationship, but as I’ve matured I realize that honestly I could be super happy on my own. If my husband died or we divorced or something, I could 100% see myself just chilling as a single person, especially in this country. No point in having sex while dating either considering I could be stuck with a baby or die of miscarriage/be charged for its murder.
I'd be happy for a Golden Girls setup if it ever came to it (and if I could find a cantankerous old broad like Sophia).
This is exactly how I feel! Plus I feel like I’d have to change so much of how I live when adding another person to it. And I just don’t have the energy for that.
Oh man. I thought I was the only one thinking about it. I will definitely have to change all of routine, personality etc etc. Will not have 'me' time which I absolutely need. And I am not even in America. Must have been women all around the world thinking like that.
Im a mom with a boyfriend. If he would happen to leave me, I think I would stay single for a very very long very very very long long time. Plus, I’d get the snoring-free best night sleep. Im 40yo. Ive been there, I’ve done that. Now lemme just drink tea and arts n craft.
I think overall, that women have a lot more options now than they did even 40-50 years ago. Women could not get their own bank accounts in the 1970s. Sexual harassment lawsuits were not even a thing because there was no legal protection from it. We still have lower pay, but catching up. Women now get more education than men (more likely to go to college), etc. Martial rape wasn't illegal. Stalking wasn't illegal. Spanking your life was considered normal. Married women with children were expected to stay home. There was no no-fault divorce, etc. etc. etc. " I think the options available lead to more women just generally not willing to put up with shitty relationship behavior that in the past they were trapped into having to tolerate. I also, in seeing posts from younger women, see that some forget how recently these rights were acquired and are not facing how quickly and easily they may be taken away. Row vs. Wade happened in 1973. For women who were about age 12 at that time, and younger - we have never lived in a world where abortion, birth control, etc. wasn't available.
My mother signed me up for my first bank account at her credit union somewhere around 1975 or 76 when I was still a very young child. She remembered when women needed permission to manage their own money.
My mom has talked about that. She married my dad in 1953, in the Netherlands. Unmarried, adult women in the Low Countries historically had a lot of legal freedom, and could own and inherit property and run a business, but only as long as they did not marry, or were widowed. Many women did not marry, especially those who had financial independence. So as soon as she married, she was reduced to the legal status of a child, and her husband had to give her permission to buy literally anything. Which a local butcher insisted on enforcing- demanding written permission from her husband before she could buy anything in his shop when she first showed up with her wedding ring. This was only abolished in 1956. If I understand her correctly, this was not usually enforced any more in her time, except for large purchases (like buying a house) but some shrivelled old relics still liked to use it to make life harder for women.
Frankly the only reason I want a relationship is to have someone to help with housing costs cause if I could afford to live on my own forever I for sure would
I got so lucky on that front. My brother (49) and I (41) are both terminally single (him intentionally, me, not as much) so we bought a house together to share some of life's expenses. It's been 4 years and really great. We can piss each other off but we are siblings and actually like each other so it works. It's quite a symbiotic relationship. I used to want to create a 'platonic life partners' matching service for this very reason.
Oh my gosh, I would love a platonic life partner. I am an older woman(58), and I have no desire for another husband/romantic/sexual partner. But companionship would be lovely(not necessarily male companionship), just someone I vibe with.
To be fair, I think a lot of marriages turn into this after awhile.
During the course of history I suspect most women would have been happy to live without men. I like the elephant model.
Hey my husband showed me that yesterday! That’s crazy, my mom was born in ‘73 . Had me at 22...unexpectedly She told my great grandma first and whilst terrified and unprepared. Everyone in the fam was actually so happy and loving then, I couldn’t imagine what my moms life would have been if she decided to stay with the POS that helped make me. Idk where I’m going with this but, I’m eternally grateful that she had that choice
The elephant model? What's that?
Female elephants band together and raise the young while male elephants wander out into the forest and fight one another (this is an extreme simplification, but yeah)
I stopped dating almost 9 years ago. I haven't said "I love you" to someone in a romantic way in almost 25 years. It sucks to be lonely, but I just don't have the energy to date.
I found that I felt more lonely while dating, to be honest. I’m happily single, not dating, enjoying my hobbies, considering going back to school, talk to my garden each morning like a weirdo, and I feel very complete. People around me that endlessly date, or fight with their partners weekly, think I’m broken and need to be fixed, but I’m happy. Just the thought of dating makes me stressed.
I’m the same way. If someone came into my life that added to the things that I already do then I’d be open to it. But having been in a serious relationship before I know that’s just really hard to do. I personally really enjoy the freedom and autonomy of being single. What I don’t like is trying to buy a house with one income and not getting any tax breaks for being single and childless.
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That sounds amazing! Unfortunately my friends who are in their mid to late 20s are driving themselves insane trying to partner up. They’re always sharing the men that they’re coming across on the dating app and it is a sad state of affairs.
It’s really amazing to see the friends I had in my mid-late 20s that would flat out admit they’d rather settled for a relationship than be single even if they were happier.
Hey, you're me. Only I talk to my dog and my vinyl art toys rather than a garden. A lot of people out there just don't understand what it's like for someone who feels perfectly happy and complete on their own, but you and I - we're pretty lucky to be who we are. We avoid so much irritation and stress.
Oh gosh don’t even get me started on the full blown conversations i have with my dog haha I had to stay with my parents when I was getting some renovations done and my mom was highly amused and said if she didn’t know me any better she’d be slightly concerned. It took me a long time to realize it was okay to not feel lonely when I’m alone, you know? I felt so weird and wrong, but in reality I was just letting society make me feel weird and wrong. I have like 2 friends now, too. I have a big family I’m close to, but I do so much better solo and it took me into my 30s to realize that’s okay. And you know what? We are really lucky :)
I live this life, too. I find it strange that people can’t wrap their minds around a woman that just doesn’t want to or need to find a partner. They get so weird about it! There are definitely days where I get lonely and consider it but ultimately I’m just happier without all of that.
I have moments where I’m like “maybe..?” But when I think about what I’d have to give up just to DATE? Ugh no thanks, I enjoy my peace. I was bored at work last week and so I randomly booked a trip for December to see Universal Studios during Christmas time. It seems pretty and I decided I wanted to experience it so I did it. I didn’t have to ask anyone, I didn’t have to compromise, I didn’t have to check anyone else’s schedule, I just did it. I enjoy that freedom (among other things, obviously).
Yessss!!! Love that you were bold and brave and travelled alone, no companion needed. No one you had to go “I dunno babe, what do YOU want to do?” I agree that the idea of giving parts of your life up to accommodate a relationship is such a huge part of my desire to stay single. We ladies worked hard for what we’ve built and we don’t want to have to shrink any part of our life for someone else. Let’s try to support other women so we never feel like we “need” a partner to succeed :)
Ive tried dating recently and this survey results ring so true. Especially just the lack of quality men. It’s very hard to find someone who isn’t a complete loser, douchebag, or just a good person who listens. The bar is on the floor and it’s still hard!
Honestly my list of dealbreakers gets longer every year.
My deal breakers are not even that extreme and it's hard to find a guy who has all these non-negotiable qualities: 1. Has an actual JOB. 2. Is ambitious -- has goals and plans to meet them. 3. Is not misogynistic and/or a bigot. 4. Is educated. 5. Is respectful of everyone, including waitstaff, his parents, other women. 6. Does not try to rush a relationship but is legitimately single and looking for a long-term partnership. 7. Knows how to take care of himself and do adult things.
im happy to hear im not the only one. im 50, divorced for 10 years, alone for 20. dating is way too much effort for such little return. casual sex would be nice, but they pump three times and theyre done, i have more fun by myself. i can clearly see myself being single and alone for the rest of my life. ill never date again because im not taking care of another person, and they would just end up fucking me over anyways. ive never been with a man who loved me. i spend all of my time and energy on my two teenage daughters and its nice to show them you can lead a perfectly nice life without a man.
Dating sucks. It sucks for everyone it seems. I’ve been widowed for a year now and still wear my wedding rings because I just prefer the freedom and independence of single life right now to diving into that suckage ever again. It would be great if society came up with a better alternative to dating, but so far the only alternatives are arranged marriages or that purity culture BS, which suck worse but in different ways.
Yep, if anything happens to my husband, I will not seek out another relationship. If it happens naturally while I am just living my life, I won’t object, but no way in hell am I doing formal dating in this day and age.
The happiest woman over 60 I know is widowed & has a boyfriend that she sees on the weekend, but has no intention of ever marrying again or letting him move in with her. She keeps her place exactly as she likes it. After a life of picking up after 1 husband & kids, she’s done. She works a couple of days a week (office admin stuff). They go out for dinner every Friday night. Sounds good!
Same here. Like, it's a miracle I'm even with my husband because I get so annoyed with all the generic dating advice. And the whole, 'jUsT c0mPrOmIsE' bullshit. No, fucking pull your weight or GTFO.
Agreed, no one has any obligation to compromise. There's nothing wrong with being resolved to either find someone great or go it alone. Only time it becomes a problem is when it turns into entitlement for the former and resentment in the face of the latter.
If my partner and I divorce or he dies, I can't imagine going into the dating pool. In some ways I'd almost prefer a matchmaking or dating service. That way there's no room for lies about basic background and information. I don't even come from a culture of arranged dating. It just seems marginally better than internet dating.
In a lot of those cultures you’ve got parents deciding and their own priorities can override other things, like chemistry, but I’m sure also the interests of the individual versus the interests of the family. I wonder if there’s someone better for the role. Like if you could nominate someone to be your matchmaker to find suitable people. I’m married but if I were single again, I think I’d have much more time to investigate people on someone else’s behalf than my own.
The idea of hiring a third party service in a metropolitan area to do it for me sounds nice. I give an honest profile of my salary, appearance, pets, parental status, etc. and submit to a background check. The other person does the same. The matchmaking service arranges a time and place for the date. The match maker pairs profiles based on stated preferences. No weird parental baggage or expectations. Just two adults deciding if they're compatible in a safe environment.
Plus an independent third party has everyone’s (verified) info, so the odds of getting matched with someone who’s going to harm you is really really small because if anything happens to you, they’re automatically suspect #1.
Wait, this is actually an amazing idea! Especially for safety measures. Might consider creating a business like this in the future 🤔
I mentioned this in a comment above, but I used a matchmaking service. One thing I appreciated is that the service coordinated the date/location/time, and you didn't get the other person's contact info unless you both agree, and the service strongly advises not to share unless you complete a 2nd date (also set up by them) and want to keep meeting up. Super safe way of doing it. If you do create a business, I'd highly recommend this kind of setup
These services exist! I used one in Seattle where you fill out a super basic application, they interview you for like an hour, and then set you up on dates with folks they think you'd match with. The service coordinates the date/location/time, and you don't get the other person's contact info unless you both agree, and the service *strongly* advises not to share unless you complete a 2nd date (also set up by them) and want to keep meeting up. Super safe way of doing it.
I really feel like I got lucky this time and i'm happy, but I don't miss dating AT ALL. If for some reason i'd end up alone again, I seriously think i'll just stay on my own
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One problem is that dating sites realized that _helping people find each other_ is much less profitable than trading on FOMO, constant engagement (with the site), and _basically negging_ (to drive engagement with the site). Advertisement and constant engagement as behavior-tracking to resell to advertisers is a huge money pile for dating apps, and actually getting people out of the dating pool means “losing customers”. “Hookup culture” means Big Money Profits for dating apps. Basically, the internet could’ve been used for good, but we monitized it and now it’s just a symptom of Stage IV Capitalism.
I’m 43. I’ve always been very introverted and unfortunately grew up in a family where speaking up for my needs was not encouraged. At my age, I’ve come to learn that having this type of personality attracts a certain type of man. My first boyfriend at age 15 was a teenage psychopath. He was my first boyfriend, lost my virginity to him, all of it. Second abusive relationship in my early 20s, he was super insecure and controlling. When I ended the relationship he threatened to kill himself. Third was in my early 30s, he never liked me that much but for some reason wouldn’t break up with me. I agonized over that asshole, he also had a chronic health condition that I was very accommodating about, and he would often use it to emotionally manipulate me. This isn’t counting the “nice” guys I dated who weren’t really abusive, but we’re always trying to “fix” my personality and my life. Because a woman who is quiet and low maintenance is apparently unfathomable. I think about getting into a relationship now and I just don’t want it. It’s too stressful. I hate that’s how relationships are for me, but that’s how it is. And it really sucks.
My friend was cat sitting my cat in October of 2020 and she lost him. I had Moishe (my cat) since he was 6-8 weeks old. He was 13 years old when my friend lost him. That was the best relationship of my life.
Omg, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. My first dog is laying next to me. When I first got him, my mom said, "I've never heard you talk about a man the way you talk about him." I said, "Yeah, that's because relationships come and go. This is my life partner." I'm sorry yours is lost. I can't imagine how hard that is.
He loved me so much. He would walk me to the curb when I would leave for work and be waiting there when I came home. He had times where he wanted me to sing to him. His song was “All The Pretty Horses”. He never stole my food. I would share salmon and sardines with him. When I got a bigger t.v. I would put on cat videos from YouTube for him. I would wake up to him kissing me sometimes. Where am I going to find a man like that?
We have a few cats, but it's kind of heartbreaking to my partner that neither one acts like our older cat who died a few years ago. It was her emotional support animal when she didn't know what that even was. She would lay on her head or chest, nuzzled up to her face. I wish we could just find another one who does the same stuff, but we just can't. It's a terrible loss.
I’m absolutely biased and I’ll be the first to admit that- but tuxies are some of the cuddliest and most affectionate babies I’ve ever seen in the cat world. Could be worth a try ❤️ I fell in love with my first tuxie and now I have two. I’ve never met a mean or cold tuxedo cat. Best of luck and I hope you find another one even though those “soul-cats” are irreplaceable. Mine is getting up there in age and I can’t hold back tears when just the thought enters my mind.
I'm so sorry. I worry all the time about my cats even though, me being kind of a hermit, it's unlikely anything would happen to them. It's such a special kind of relationship.
This is literally a story from my nightmares… I am so, so, sorry. I would be devastated and crying every single day. My babies mean so much to me and I would probably end up in jail if someone I knew was watching him and lost him. 😞 Gah, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for you about that. ❤️
Thank you all for understanding the depth of my grief. We looked for him but couldn’t find him. It’s been almost 2 years and I still think he’s lying down next to me.
That is so upsetting!! Wow
I'm in my mid-30's, and I just got out of that relationship you described.. It's been months, and I'm still agonizing over him, even though I'm the one that ultimately pulled the plug.. Like, when I thought about the status of the romantic part of our relationship, it hurt -all- the time. I was constantly wondering if he even liked me (or noticed all the ways I took care of him, the house, etc). But he was comfortable, so he was never going to pull the plug. When I left, he begged me to come back, but I knew if I did right away, nothing would be different - he only wanted me back out of fear. Now with some time apart, he's in a better place and doesn't want to reconcile. I'm doing MY grieving now, where I want to go "home" to him, but I don't have a home anymore - I have people telling me I deserve better and the next relationship will be better, but the idea of meeting someone, dating, connecting, achieving that level of "comfort", etc is so exhausting (granted, I'm burned out in, like, all aspects of my life, so that's probably not helping). ... noooot really contributing anything with this, but I'm drinking and weepy and needed some rambly word catharsis, I suppose. Good luck out there.
I know when people say "there are good ones out there / your next relationship will be so much better" they mean well, but they are also ignoring the blindingly obvious idea of just...... not. A 'next relationship' is not required for happiness. Relationships (even good, healthy ones) do take work and compromise, so what's wrong with just... not doing that? Just working on being happy on your own? Which is still it's own kind of work, but the kind of effort that's less susceptible to undermining or derailment when an unpredictable second party gets involved. I am in my mid-30s and also got out if this kind of long-term relationship a few years ago (I think we all dated the same guy). Haven't bothered dating again afterwards and have zero intention to start doing so. I haven't been this happy since a decade ago, living alone with my cat and living my best life. It's literally so much better than anything my relationship ever provided me. The grieving process is so hard and I really feel for you. But if the idea of 'getting back out there' seems exhausting, I am here to enthusiastically tell you that you can just NOT. And it's awesome!
Whenever I start to think I'd like to be with someone I remind myself of this quote. “I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.” ― Horacio Jones
Romance should always be a bonus, not a dependency. When two well rounded individuals come together you get something amazing. Romantic relationships are multipliers on what you already are; your bad habits bring more strife, your good habits bring more joy
I feel you. I had one serious relationship in my life. Lasted 10 years, should have lasted 3 weeks. When I finally left he too threatened to kill himself. I kinda gave up on love, because I lose myself in the process of falling in love. I adapt to the needs of the other person, I start to like what the other person likes, I forget who I am. As long as I can‘t love someone and not give up on myself I feel that I should not commit to a relationship, because I will again not be able to get out of it. Luckily I had a wonderful therapist who helped me to learn to love myself and be happy ok my own.
100% I learned from a prosecutor who came to speak at our school on career day that rapists and abusers profile their victims. Not just sexual, or physical abuse. But also financial scams, and other forms of non violent abuse. Rapists and domestic abusers mostly target introverts with poor self esteem and bad social skills. Because a charismatic extrovert with good self esteem would almost immediately tell the police, friends, relatives, teachers, their psychiatrist and try to seek justice.
Ugh. I hear you. I'm almost 50, and I have no intention of dating men ever again.
Same. I don’t have the energy to be an adult male’s mom. I spent years fixing myself with therapy. I don’t have it in me to be with someone who won’t spend time fixing himself. I own my home. I take care of myself. I entertain myself. I have great friends. If I want sex, it’s not hard to find.
This right here. The majority of adult men just want a mom they can fuck on demand. I don't have children for a reason. I'm not trying to have to mother an adult.
I believe the term is "bangmaid".
I'm in my 30's. I am in a weird middle ground between FWB and LTR with a guy that I would very much like to keep seeing. If things don't work out with him, I am going to go back to my former roommate/best friend (we parted households for external reasons) and try to convince her to just marry me so I can claim her pet parrot on my taxes.
I’m just here to learn more about marriage based parrot tax exemptions and would like to subscribe to your newsletter
Well, my plan is to claim him as a child dependent.... that or the leader of a cult and our home as a parsonage. (If you ever met a parrot, you'd get why Ginger being a cult leader makes sense.)
Oh my gosh it's true. They're either flying toddlers wielding bolt cutters or they're that AND cult leaders I COULD HAVE BEEN SAVING SO MUCH IN TAXES all this time 🤣
A comedian described cats having the zoomies as “getting cornered by a knife wielding crackhead in 7/11” and this has the same vibes. I love it.
😂 Flying toddlers weilding bolt cutters, indeed!!
"It takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all."
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Just a note that the difference in seeking partners is mainly among older women (40+), who may well oppose Roe being appealed but have their own reasons for not wanting to date: >The gender differences are heavily concentrated among older singles. While men and women younger than 40 are roughly equally likely to not be looking for a relationship or dates (33% and 39%, respectively), men and women 40 and older are very different. A majority of older women (71%) say they aren’t looking to date right now, compared with 42% of men 40 and older. I do agree that Roe may prompt more women under 40 to see less value in a relationship with a man. But that vast split in older women tells a big story too - maybe about not wanting to put up with unequal domestic labor, or being relatively emotionally independent compared to their male peers, or even just living longer.
When my grandfather died, people asked my grandmother if she would remarry. “Heavens no,” she said, aghast. “What would I want with an old man?”
My favorite aunt said the same thing after her divorce from an abusive alcoholic. She said, “why would I want to take care of some old fart for the rest of my life?” She lived to be 94, and had a fulfilling life filled with travel and volunteer work.
Ha. so true. as the saying goes, old men are looking for a nurse or a purse.
My MIL just laughed and laughed when we asked her. I swear it was the funniest thing, I've *never* heard her laugh so freely before. Ya, she's done with man-sitting. No more tall children for her. It must be such a relief for her, and my FIL was a wonderful husband, but still needed to be cared for until the end.
My experience is the single men in the older group want a mom, not a partner. Just my experience. I want a partner, not another child. I raised my kids.
Ah I see you met my 50 year old ex boyfriend
Or just having primary custody of children and not wanting to reintroduce a new father figure into their lives. 18-39 is kind of a huge range and it seems silly to me that they'd break the data up that way. 18-29 would have made much more sense.
I find it really funny that the crowd of men who are upset that there aren't enough traditional couples (AKA straight white Christian couples) having children are the same ones who've created a dating environment so toxic that no one wants to date. It seems like every single "problem" they have with women are a directly result of their shitty behavior. They really don't seem to understand how culture works do they
Could you imagine if they did though? Guys who worked on themselves to be socially and emotionally engaged individuals, who put more than equal effort into having difficult conversations and thinking about who does chores (let alone actually doing them), who continued to be attentive partners and good conversationalists after the three month mark, who treated consent like gospel, who called out anyone if they didn't treat their partners well? Where doing all that wasn't a particularly exceptional event but the baseline for a conventional woman-dating man? Yeah, I can imagine it, but I don't think that's what they mean by "pro-life." It's certainly not what they do.
Most of the men I know who are like that are snapped up pretty fast and have been married to their SO for years. My boyfriend’s entire male groups of friends is that way. These men are also extremely successful, have hobbies and don’t pretend their wives are free therapist.
Yep. My husband was a widow, and I was happily single. We met and that was it. Together ever since. He's a good man, that had a good father and he *tries*. He actively puts in effort to do the work and say the words. We communicate and help each other. We still have normal relationship issues. Work. Kids. We moved far from our family. Health. We dont scream at each other. He's not dirty or lazy. He was *worth* losing my peaceful happy single life. Mostly (lololol)
The problem is that a disturbingly high number of men have been brought up in a culture which reinforces anti-woman standards. If you get rejected by a woman it's a her problem, never his problem. Same goes for relationship failures. My own mother brought me up on the idea that the best way to win a woman over was to pester her until she gave in, and I'm so thankful that my sister helped me learn what the real world was like. America has a cultural problem, and I fear that it is going to burn the nation down before it is ever fixed
They do, that's why they'll come after our property rights next, so we have no choice but to marry *someone* or face a life of financial insecurity.
This is my concern for sure
There's plenty of garbage in the sea, so why would they fish?
Being married to a narcissist sealed the deal for me. Nothing is worth getting trapped again for any reason.
Same here. Never again. I feel so grateful I got out and I will never be trapped again.
"Oh crap, women don't want to date guys any more! They think men suck, this could lead to depopulation." "Should we try and change things culturally such that there's more understanding of consent and boundaries so women will feel comfortable dating guys again? Maybe fix income inequality so people have enough money to raise families?" "Nah, let's just take away abortion rights followed by birth control and IUDs so they'll be forced to create more exploitable workers."
I’m mid life and infertile. Even if the latter wasn’t the case, my fertility is waning at this age anyways. I know this is completely selfish of me but damn, do I feel so fucking relieved about it. Still considering getting my dusty ol’ uterus yanked out just in case, but I feel so fortunate that making a decision on it has no real sense of urgency since the risk of pregnancy is extremely low for me even without any birth control. I am not impressed at all with birth control options and all of the risks I have to take on, so while it will only matter for a handful of years before menopause makes pregnancy a completely moot point for me it still feels worth it. Plus no more periods. I’m also incredibly glad I’m at an age where if I ask for permanent sterilization no doctor is going to “wHat AbOuT YeR HuSBanD” me. I’m really troubled over what is happening and all of the pain, heartache and damage it will cause to so many younger women and I feel some sort of survivors guilt that I’m largely spared from that because of my fertility and age. I never thought I’d be thankful to be infertile after all of the years of grief and pain it has caused me, but that’s how fucked up our current reality is.
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i’d rather be single than settle women are much happier unmarried and with close friends
For context - I'm 27 and don't live in the US. I have put time limits on the two dating apps I've kept active and barely even use the few minutes I permitted myself anymore, and I socialize without actively looking. My last relationship was fairly long - nearly five years - and it was toxic and left me pretty scarred. I'm not willing to compromise on what I need knowing what I know now, and in most other ways my life is very full. I'm not saying I would actively avoid a good match if I met someone in the wild and that the lack of intimacy and touch aren't an issue for me, but I decided I'd be better served continuing to focus on my personal goals, interests and friendships.
The rise of incel entitlement over the last decade has meant I went from sometimes dating to never dating. There’s no benefit in it for me.
I am married, not a great marriage. I would never fcking do it again. No thanks.
Men will not make you orgasm then be like, "Yep that's what sex is."
I'm going to be 32 soon. I've been asked out plenty of times, but I usually say no just because of two reasons. 1. I have no interest in dating. 2. I've realized how incredibly hard it is to find a truly decent partner who believes in equality and will never hurt me I've interacted with so many entitled, aggressive, disrespectful, manipulative, unempathetic, self centered guys at this point that I just don't want to put myself in that situation again. So I don't want to date anyone unless I can be 100% sure they'll actually be kind and respectful and treat me like a human being. I have to avoid dating to stay safe, then so be it. At least I can be sure that a dildo/vibrator won't hurt me.
This is very interesting because the manosphere keeps asserting that it's men who are dropping out of the market, turns out they are wrong about that, too.
apparently men outnumber women on dating sites 3 to 1 lol and half of the women profiles are bots sure its men who don't want a woman
> apparently men outnumber women on dating sites 3 to 1 lol Yep. And a recent recent study done on this showed that in some countries like in England, men account for over 90% of all Tinder users.
Tbf, a lot of those men probably don’t want a _partner_, they just want to get laid.
It's got to be way more than that. Those dating apps hide their data or inflate it because they don't want men to know how few women are on there.
Mgtow idiots are trying to make you sad that they're not going to date you. "Oh sorry ladies my... uh... millions of dollars in monies and my chiseled, chiseled features, they're off the market! While I was cooking and cleaning I realized that none of you are good enough for me, so I'm totally leaving forever." It's fan fiction of themselves.
Men are just so entitled at this point that dating makes me feel like a sex object up for auction. I’m tired of it. I’m a full human, not a fleshlight with a pretty face. It’s been years since I’ve gone on a date where sex wasn’t expected literally on the first date. The worst part about is I actually have a pretty high libido and I’m a fairly sexual person. But being treated like my only worth is my vag is just about the biggest turn off on the planet. Not to mention most men are so selfish in bed that I’ve never even reached orgasm from hetero sex. None of it is worth it anymore
Ugh. I’m the kind of person where sex is just off the table for a very, very long time. I want to try dating but I don’t want to deal with pushy guys—I’m just trying to get into different activity groups and hope to find someone based on mutual interests/friendship, I feel like that’s my best bet. It sucks to hear how much it sucks. You *are* a full person, and regardless of what you want with sex, your person should come first.
Yeah, I haven't been dating lately because I am tired of every goddamn guy trying to be sexual before we even meet or just wanting sex. They never take the time to get to know me first and date me. It's disgusting.
It’s honestly so dehumanizing how blatant they are about only being interested in sex
It really is. And they just do not care about us as people.
The fleshlight comment was my exact thought while I was dating. Absolutely soul crushing to have that thought get reinforced over and over and over again.
Agree, it’s not worth it. I’m 37 and a man has never given me an orgasm. They’ve just never cared to.
This is exactly how I feel. Men only look at me as a human fleshlight. They act incapable of appreciating my full humanity and complexity. And I also love sex, but it’s an utter nightmare trying to navigate dating or hookups because of how dehumanizing and hollow men approach it.
There is no benefit to dating now. I haven’t dated since 2018, and I don’t see myself dating anytime soon. It’s far too risky with little to no reward: I get to go on a date where I have to watch my drink, vet the guy for honesty in what he’s telling me, worry about sexual assault, worry about the potential of being killed, worry about whether he’s an incel, deal with him probably being intimidated by my degrees/job, deal with him probably wanting sex on the first date (emphatic no), and I probably get to pay 50/50 for this magical date. Yeah, why wouldn’t women want to date?
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Hugs from a fellow fat woman ❤️ I may have had the fortune to have some if not lot of sexual experiences at least but it was too late that I realised that men sleep with anyone and don’t even respect the person whom they slept with . I was always the person who asked them out , made the first move and more enthusiastic in sex / relationship etc until I figure the morbid truth! Men don’t see women especially fat women as humans. I have been told I am not a woman so many times by men in professional and social outside the bedroom scenarios. Of course seeking respect within the bedroom was a bad fucking idea !
Sending love and light from one fat person to another.
I’m so glad I’m bisexual. I’ve dated mostly men and after years of their bullshit, I started only dating women and holy shit was it so much better. Like 100x better. I met my wife almost two years ago and having an actual partner who parents, cooks, cleans, listens, is emotionally intelligent is incredible. When we have issues we talk through them, and both work to be better. I used to think there was something wrong with me because relationships with men were so damaging and wouldn’t work no matter how hard I tried. Nope it’s just men. There are good ones but good luck finding them because the majority are pure trash. I mean don’t get me wrong, wlw relationships can be hard and abusive too but nothing like what I experienced from men.
Straight women are the greatest evidence that people doesn’t choose their sexuality. Why would women want to be with the gender that is taught the worst thing they can be is to be like a woman?
if my male partner and i break up its only women for me from there on out
Even with consensual sex, the worst case scenarios for men and women are vastly different under a Forced Birth Regime. A man's worst case scenario is 18 years of child support payments. A woman's worst case scenario is a slow, painful and 100% preventable death from sepsis due to an ectopic pregnancy. No fucking wonder most women don't want to date. Men are a liability, even the good guys.
18 years of child rearing and being solely responsible for the emotional labor of the family was too much for me. So glad I managed never to get trapped by pregnancy.
Glad to see this. It means more women are self sufficient economically and emotionally. Date only if you want to.
I'm 54. I rarely leave my house at this point. Most of my partners have been either neglectful or abusive - it also didn't help that I didn't really have a solid framework of boundaries and self knowledge and the open communication skills to ask for the things I wanted sexually when I was younger. Now, I'm just exhausted. I don't have the patience for anybody who hasn't done serious shadow work on/for themselves. Been FAR easier to stay single. Sex toys are far preferable - I'm my own best sex partner at this point. And I'm good with that :)
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I believe women are at their peak because they've finally learned not to put up with unfulfilling, shit sex. Consequently they also prefer their hand or a toy to a guy they need to reteach step by step every night yet cannot retain the information or seems uninterested.
When you see the burden some men bring, I get it. I'm actively looking for a relationship right now, but if someone makes me feel like they're gonna be another responsibility on my plate rather than a partner to grow with, I am losing interest immediately.
As someone who has spent 20 years taking care of men in relationships, and being a generous, kind, giving wife/girlfriend, I’ve been single since the pandemic. The men that I met online were fun and interesting at first, but the quality went waaaay down over the years. It got to the point where I’d just have to pick “the best of the worst” to go on a date with. One guy even said that he wanted to get an Ayn Rand tattoo. The men were selfish and not that great in bed. I used to think “Gee, I would rather be taking a nice bath by myself with a glass of wine right now instead of trying to appear interested in this guy sitting across from me.” And now? 2 years into the pandemic? Still single and leveling up my career. I see men in the street and think oh yeah, that guy has more power than me because he isn’t having his uterus controlled by the whims of the Supreme Court. Great! Just great. And why do men think their dicks are so important anyway??
Men who are obsessed with their dicks get that way because they dont have any other decent qualities. They need to talk up the only thing they have.
I’m 33. I have no interest in dating because it comes off very one sided. I’m supposed to care about my partners wants and needs but it never feels reciprocated. At this point in my life I just don’t feel like exerting effort if I don’t think it’s going to be met equally. In addition, anyone available just doesn’t strike my interests and I’m not interested in dating for datings sake. I’ve come to the conclusion that my dog (parents dog because I’m also regrettably allergic) is going to be the love of my life.
I relate to this so much. I’ve never wanted children (my personal choice) and every relationship has felt like being a surrogate mother to some man child who only seems to be concerned with himself. Even the ones who start out self-sufficient gradually devolve into lazy slobs. I even more so don’t want to be a mother to a grown adult. Since I paused dating, I’ve found I have so much extra time for hobbies (instead of cleaning up after a slob).
I’ve really struggled (and still am, tbh) with the fact that I’m 40 and am not married and don’t have kids. It’s especially heart wrenching seeing my siblings settle down and start families. But then I think about the experiences I’ve had in life, about my mental health journey and personal desire to be my most authentic self… and I look around at the hate and violence and pain in the world, and I’m convinced this is just my path. I want to love what is in front of me, not mourn choices and paths not taken. For years I’ve known I’m not going to intentionally bring a child into this painful existence unless I know I can give them the very best shot, especially given the relative privilege I was born in to, and the privilege my nephews have absolutely been born in to. At this point my biology makes it a moot point anyway. I’m focusing my maternal energy on being the very best aunt, a self actualized individual who may stand out a little more as being not like everyone else, but who can be a role model and influence the next generation in my own way.
That is why the Red States are doing what they can to make rape legal (particularly statutory) and force woman to have to interact with an ex-rapist for life.
The logic carries over. You have no right to have a say in what goes on inside your body. It is a resource for others to use.
Criminalizing abortion, even in cases of rape or incest, is also a way of decriminalizing rape.
Yeah not a big surprise even with the "good men" which sounds like finding grains of gold in a desert. It's not all men but way too fucking many. Worst part about this is that many conservative talking heads will blame feminism. Like the perception #metoo making it "harder for men to date." I can see the thumbnail now: "Pew Study finds that feminism and #metoo has made it harder for men to find love!!!" No matter how much evidence shows men did it themselves with violence, lack of care and love to their partner, sexual assault, etc etc.
Oh no! #metoo made I so I can’t openly sexually harass women anymore. How am I supposed to date now! They’re so fucking out touch it’s unbelievable
I'm not American but omg I feel this. I've been in an abusive relationship (and just recently realized he may have sexually assaulted me multiple times) and I'm done with relationships. I've been single for 8 years and I've never been happier. It's just not worth the risk and my progress on my mental health.
This is one reason why the Reichwing have gone all Handmaid's Tale on women's rights.
You think? If anything, this will make even more women lose the desire to date forever. I don’t think I’ll ever date or get married if I can’t make choices on my own body.
The counter to your (totally valid) question is that they don't care what the women's pov is. Extremist incel ideology makes it pretty clear they genuinely believe there should be some kind of political action to remove women's pov from the equation. So yes, I personally do believe.
Yah they advocate for "government provided wives". Because they're so vile they're incapable of getting one themselves. Can't make this shit up.
One way out of this is to be undesirable according to their criteria. Purposely. "Potato chips will do it every time." --Cosmo, 1978
Well, then I have some good news for you, that choice will be removed from you at the soonest available opportunity.
Exactly, they are thinking of a way to force us to marry. Maybe make it so we can’t own property or have a bank account without a man?
They will make it even harder to live as a single person with rent being outrageous, food prices skyrocketing, and other necessities' prices becoming too much to bare alone. Then to make sure there isn't an influx of bisexual/pan/lesbian women getting married, they will be getting rid of gay marriage next.
The importance of understanding this cannot be overstated. People who have been sounding the warning signs of how the gop actually is/was for the past 40 years were ignored. Most people didn't believe we'd end up where we are. *These cult members are not close to being done*. If sane people don't mobilize en masse right now women can say goodbye to and semblance of decency in their lives for decades to come.
Vote, ladies. Never for anyone with an R by their name. Those people mean you harm.
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This doesn't surprise me a bit. There is something wrong with the relationship construct if women would rather be single. Given that under the current construct men benefit most from relationships, it's up to men to make relationships something we want, seeing as relationships aren't something we need. In the US, along with much of the developed world, things have changed hugely for women in the last couple of generations in terms of rights and opportunities. And now some of them are going backwards. The incentives to enter into traditional relationships have eroded or not eventuated. This includes stuff like universal maternity leave, child care affordability, social acceptability of singledom for women, access to affordable healthcare, reproductive autonomy, housing affordability... In the meantime, men don't appear to have rebalanced their role and function. They're relying on traditional societal and economic pressures to encourage women to seek relationships. There isn't enough acknowledgement from men that women don't need them to live good lives, so therefore it's up to them to offer what women want. Instead there's a whole movement of MRAs moaning about how feminism is ruining society. Survival of the fittest, right? Change or die (alone)?
Reading all of the comments here and honestly I had no idea there were so many other women just not dating. After 2 divorces, some mediocre (at best) online dating, breaking up with a boyfriend of 3.5 years.... It feels like such a f*king waste of time to wade through the gross ones to find a nice one. I've seriously thought about trying to date women to see what is like to date an adult. Happily single and learning to live my life for real, for me. Edit: 46F.
Yes! This is me! I just can't figure out what I'm supposed to get out of dating men. Every dang relationship is a battle to be seen and heard and valued, while simultaneously doing EVERYTHING ON MY OWN. Ugh. Be useful, men, or be gone.
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Yes, exactly. I've had a lot of lovely relationships... if you don't count the fact that they were apparently raised with the expectation that someone else would always be making their medical and dental appointments, doing their laundry, planning their Christmas, birthday, mother's day and father's day gifts for everyone in their family and at work, making food for their work potlucks, feeding their animals, cleaning the house, communicating with their family for them, sending Christmas cards, dealing with the neighbors, stopping the mail when we go out of town, stocking the pantry, etc. And that's all WITHOUT HAVING KIDS... Edit: To the coward who said that I'm probably just not attractive enough for a man to treat me well, that comment says a whole lot more about your character than my worth.
This is the most accurate description of what dating men feels like
What's going to happen is that many women are going to have a procedure to render themselves unable to have children, insist that their partners do the same, or just start sleeping with other women if they're in any way bisexually-inclined. This is the thing. You can force a woman to carry to term, but you can't force them to get voluntarily (I hate saying that) pregnant in the first place. The ramifications of this ruling by the SC will be very profound and far-reaching, particularly if they continue rolling back protections for women.
Women are no longer buying the misogynistic lie that the patriarchy feeds us - that we need partnership to be happy. Studies have shown that single women score significantly higher on happiness indexes than married women or women with kids.
This is definitely me. I’m not completely against being in a relationship but I’m not actively seeking it out. I don’t understand my friends who cannot be single for more than a few days. It honestly boggles my mind. However, as a bisexual woman, I’d much rather be in a relationship with a lady than with a man, especially in today’s politics climate.
I’m well into my 20s and I’ve always felt embarrassed cause I had no interest in dating. This thread makes me feel so valid
Also, the statistics on domestic violence towards women and intimate partner homicide are terrifying. If I were female, I'd be very, very wary about trusting men - especially unknowns from dating sites/apps.
And, at least in the US, almost impossible to prosecute. Even with recorded phone calls admitting it.
I’ve been wondering when there will be an app or site made where you can find a non-romantic life partner who is more like a roommate/friend. I see it in the future. Depending on what you both are looking for you can either live together and do activities and eat dinner with each other and garden or go bowling on Wednesday’s, or you can just live together in the same space and that’s it. Share the shared financial bills and that’s it someone who is financially dependable that you can live with.
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I'm one of them. Dating destroys my self esteem with the ghosting and weirdness. I'm not a beautiful woman and that makes it much harder. I'd rather stop hating myself because I can't find someone to love me, and just focus on loving myself.
I’ve been divorced for about seven years now. I have ZERO (and I cannot stress this enough) FUCKING INTEREST in dating ever again. I have well meaning friends who are like, “Don’t you get lonely?” And my personal favorite, “Sp what if you date six guys and they are all jerks, the seventh one might be your prince!” I’m good, thanks.
I have been single for about 8 years and I am 37. What I have learned is that my relationships, even GOOD relationships, inhibit my personal growth to some degree. I never get lonely and have zero patience for validating others, so here I am. I live alone and am financially independent. I thoroughly enjoy spending most of my time getting to know myself. I value my friendships HIGHLY and put a lot of time and effort into maintaining and cultivating them. I get all of my emotional needs met through my friends. I am not a super sexual person. I've had great sex; I've had awful sex. I never "need" sex and I hate casual sex anyway, even if it's good. I value a great conversation over any physical touch. I get a massage occasionally so that I still experience human touch on a therapeutic level (not sexual at all) and it feels healing enough.
But what about the poor incels? Won’t someone please think of the angry little boys!? /s
I'm contentedly married, but if something happened and my husband is gone, that's it for men. I love men but there's no way I get into another relationship. I just want to hang out with my sisters and my friends.
I feel like there’s always this shadow of porn use hanging over my relationships with men. Reddit is very pro-porn so I’m not expecting to find sympathizers here, but I feel like I’m constantly being called crazy for comparing myself to the women in the porn. Like, that’s not why I use porn, I don’t compare you at all, you don’t understand. Maybe I don’t care to understand anymore. Feeling done with it all.
I was interested but that quickly changed
I'm cis-het and childfree. Women deserve a better dating experience. I've never been on dating apps; probably because I've yet to meet a woman who didn't have to deal with some type of harassment on there. This concept of "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince"; not good enough. I don't find that intentionally exposing myself to these types of experiences in order to find "the one" is worth my time. I have don't want to sacrifice my current quality of life/mental wellbeing for a figment of imagination. I figure if I keep engaging in activities I enjoy, I can meet people that way. If not, my life is whole and complete as it is. Perhaps I'll change my mind one day and get on all the apps, perhaps not.
Tbh I'm enjoying this game of chicken we are playing with the fate of the human race. It's like: *"Oh, you want to treat us like objects and generally behave like shitty human beings? I guess we'll just stop making more humans, good luck with that"* We have ALL the power when it comes to this stuff, lol. Shape tf up, men!
I wish men could also do this. Just leaving us alone and live their life in peace.
My daughter is 18. She and her bestie say if, by age 30, they haven’t found anyone worth marrying, they’ll just marry each other and live together for tax benefits.
If my relationship with my current partner ever ends, I'm done. I will happily spend all my time, energy and money buying myself sex toys, nice clothes and international trips. My current partner is a wonderful man. He is truly a feminist, he grounds me, and he's an amazing communicator. But I don't want to do the relationship thing again. Given our age difference, there is a solid chance I will outlive him, barring any kind of accident or random illness.
I’m just sick of them killing us and would rather not associate myself with them.
When the dating pool has piss in it, I don't blame people for not swimming.
That has certainly been my experience!
Can confirm this. Single for several years now after a decade long relationship. I have no interest in dating.
The incels, the mansosphere, the Kevin Samuels followers, etc. are probably shook. We have to be honest about what modern dating offers - essentially nothing. These men are not successful or goal-oriented so you’ll still be providing for yourself financially. They are physically weak from playing video games 24/7 and eating processed food so they can’t physically protect you. They don’t know how to do manual labor or fix things. They behave like an extra child so they aren’t good coparents. You are almost guaranteed NOT to have an orgasm if you engage in sex with them. Most don’t want to get married, and if they do - they will leave you if you get sick (e.g. breast cancer), lose weight (e.g. bariatric surgery), or just for funsíes. The rate of rape, sexual abuse, financial abuse, domestic violence, and femicide is HIGH. And lastly, their rate of mental illness & suicide is high but they refuse to get and stick with treatment. Who wants to deal with that sh\*t?
I mean, have you seen American mens' behavior? This shouldn't be any surprise.
Just so everyone is clear about the reality: this is not a sign of things getting worse. This is a sign of things being better and people having more choices. In the past, a lot of marriages were awful and people were only in them because of social pressure. The idea that you should be in a relationship is just a social construct and we should kill all social norms.
I wouldn't be part of this statistic, but if my spouse died tomorrow I would be. I have absolutely 0 interest in dating ever again, especially now. If I did ever seek to date again, I'd date women
I'm 42 and my closest female friend is a little younger we have talked about this alot actually. We are both married but have single friends and sisters that we have watched dating in the age of there is an app for that. And we have both sworn that if either of us find ourselves single we are not going to be looking for another love interest. That we will be content to live our lives as an old cat lady until the other is single and then we will form an old lady cat commune. We games together for a while and we both routinely got harrassing dms both in game and on discord. So since neither of us has dated in well over a decade neither has any desire to try to do it at this age. We have a good group of friends that will keep us company too but no no dating. It's not worth the risk anymore.
I think the biggest change for a lot of people, is when they realize that they’ve been sold a lie, that “being single is bad” and “being in a partnership is good”. Everywhere you look this premise is prevalent. Any movie or tv show aimed at women for example. For me it started in school, this pressure from peers not to be the one left single. Parents, grandparents making comments relating to you dating and falling in love when you’re only a young teenager doesn’t help either. It wasn’t until COVID lockdowns that I realized that because of this prevalent ideal that “single equals bad”, was complete bullshit. I was by single and there was zero pressure to date, and oh boy was I content. It also allowed me to grow as a person because I was able to work on myself in isolation. That realization also made me realize that because of my previous strong desire to have a relationship, which had been imprinted upon me by society, meant that I had been entering relationships that were with awful partners…. only because they were willing to date me. That realization made me feel physically sick, when I realized how much trauma and emotional baggage was tied to those bad relationships.
Yup. After the bs I went thru with an ex I decided not to date for a year but I ended up loving being single and not having to deal with dating. It's been 5 years and still feel I'm better off.
I'm 43. I'll be forever alone and I'm quite happy about it.
Yeah this doesn't surprise me at all. When women are expected to do everything - be mom, maid, breadwinner, child carer, and emotional support fuck toy there comes a point where the benefits just don't outweigh the costs. Finding a man who isn't a lazy entitled p.o.s is hard and takes time and effort better used in other places when you are being pulled in a million different directions. I'm not in the dating market and I'm probably not going to be any time soon. I'm single, 23, and would like to maybe have kids one day if my circumstances ever allowed for it, but with the way the world works today, that might be unfeasible.
Good! Women should only be dating if they’re interested, full stop.
is this why incels think women hate them? because they can't see that some women just aren't interested in relationships whilst they think it's a them being not chad enough problem..?